Tag: health

Mantra Mondays

Mantra Monday #1 (7/3/17)

liz

Your vibe attracts your tribe.

The energy you put out into the world reflects on the type of people you have around you. If you’re naturally a pessimistic person who has a negative perspective on everything, you will “attract” people who view life the same way. Being positive, honest, and real with yourself allows others who are like that attract to you. All in all, living your life as honest and true to yourself as possible is the only way you are going to have healthy, communitive relationships and friendships.

 

-Liz (:

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: The Best Advice for the Planners in Life. (5/20/17)

liz

I am a planner.

I feel the most organized when I have things thoroughly planned out in detail for every day of the week. It’s why my dry-erase board calendar is usually full during the month, I currently have a TNTH Schedule for future posts, I just started bullet journaling, and I had two detailed outlines on index cards for my final research papers taped alongside my desk for the last month and a half.

Obsessive? Yeah, but in some odd way, it calms my worries about the short-term things that need to get done.

The long-term goals? Planning those things can actually create the worries you don’t want. I know for me, planning long-term goals are scary because things happen. Things change, interests change. For years, I dedicated my time to get myself more into the cinema scene; I took screenwriting classes to learn my craft and planned the next three years to study screenwriting and film in a graduate school specifically made for cinema. For once, I had long-term plans that I was working towards. But then life happened. I was rejected from the film school and I felt lost with my plans again.

Although I am in grad school getting my Master’s degree anyway, it still feels weird to not know what I want to do after I graduate. I start my second year in the Fall, yet I don’t have any plans after I finish. All of the people I encounter in grad school have plans of being teachers and such, but I know I was not meant for that type of job. I like English for the writing, not for the literature, and teaching English is dealing with the literature. If I can’t do cinema, I would want to do something solely dealing with writing.

The group of people I know and follow on social media tends to be people who are already in grad school, are graduating college in the next couple of weeks, or going into their last year of college in the Fall. One of the things we all have in common at these different levels in our education is that we all either have a distinct goal in mind after college, or we have absolutely no idea what we want to do. Until we all feel like we’re getting somewhere in life, those long-term plans for life are going to be at the back of our minds and make us worry.

And if you’re a planner like me, these worries turn into bad anxiety.

A couple of weeks ago, I was going through a major anxiety attack about everything in life. Literally, everything felt like it was crashing down. I spoke to my mother to talk the worries out and possibly get some advice to help me out. My mother and I have most of the same personality traits, and I needed to speak to someone before I considered talking to a professional. She asked me what were the things I was getting anxiety over, and as I was telling her, they all seemed to be about my long term plans.

As my mother was giving me advice, she told me to “live in the present.”

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Many of us forget that the most precious thing we have in the world is time. We are never granted another day or another year, and I learned that after my Uncle passed away unexpectedly earlier this year. We also tend to worry and stress out about the future so much that we never see the beautiful and wonderful things happening now. I remember my undergrad years as being a time where time just flew by. I was going by each day with the objective in mind of graduating on time that I never really enjoyed my college life. It wasn’t until my senior year of college where I actually started to enjoy my school life and just life in general. Although it’s great to try to have your life all figured out and focused in, it’s good to also enjoy the things around you. Enjoy your family, your friends, the weather, your interests, and hobbies. Also if you have a ton of work that you need to do in the present, get it done so that you can move on to the next thing you have to do. Sometimes, the constant work makes anyone feel robotic. The reality is that whether you like it or hate it, it needs to be done.

All in all, it seems like “living in the present” is a statement that appears to be obvious and cliche, but many of us just forget to do it because as a generation of people in our 20’s, we always tend to focus on the future. Take a step back every once and awhile to enjoy the little things in life.

-Liz (:

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

Self-Appreciation Saturday. (5/13/17)

liz

It’s been a rough couple of weeks due to the stress and anxiety of the semester coming to an end and I’ve been trying my best to keep my mind happy. In an attempt to be okay and calm, I came up with a list of things to do when you’re feeling down or anxious about life:

  1. Try to wake up early. Sleeping too late makes you feel like you wasted a good day. Make sure to wake up in the morning and get things done!
  2. Go for a walk. Put on your walking shoes and take a nice walk around your neighborhood. You never know where your feet might take you and see what new things you discover.
  3. Seek change if necessary. Maybe there’s something you want to need to change in order to start anew. Cut your hair, revamp your wardrobe, pick up a new hobby!
  4. No drinking or smoking for awhile. I realized during my time of anxiety, I was beginning to enjoy handling it with drinking and the occasional smoking and after awhile, I realized this wasn’t something I wanted to keep doing. Saying no to any substances, whether in a safe environment or a party setting, helps you gain back some control you weren’t having.
  5. Keep a journal. Keeping track of the things you’re feeling or going through on a day-to-day basis helps you not keep those things bottled up for an extended period of time.
  6. Eat/drink healthier foods. Personally, I feel better whenever I’m eating something good for me like fruits and vegetables and definitely when I’m drinking smoothies during a warm day. Knowing that I’m putting good things into my body helps me think of positive things.
  7. Have a support system. Having people in your circle who genuinely care about your well-being makes the bad feelings go away because sometimes, all you need to do is have someone who matters listen to you. Sometimes in cases with anxiety, people who have it feel worried that when expressing their anxiety to other people feel as if they are annoying them. Just having one or two people sit down with you to talk about it will help you out.
  8. Never leave school work to the last minute. With two 15-page papers being in the process of being finalized and handed in, it’s not ideal to leave them for the last minute. Make time for yourself to finish all your work so that you can finally start your little break away from school.
  9. Laugh often. Laughter is truly the best medicine; don’t deprive yourself of it.
  10. Do what makes you happy. Read a book, draw, exercise, sing, write; whatever puts your spirit in a good place, do it.
  11. Stop waiting for life to happen. Make sure you are doing something every single day that it’s helping you move forward so that the “waiting” doesn’t feel like waiting at all.
  12. Be kind to yourself. Remember, you are not perfect, no matter how badly your mind wants you to be. You are only human, and humans are definitely not capable of perfection, so stop trying to explain to yourself why you feel a certain way or why you’re behaving out. Accept that you are going through a rough time, but never let it take over your life.

if they can do it, you can do it. remember that. focus, determination, passion. invincible.:

-Liz (:

Topic Tuesdays: Random

Pros of Journaling.

liz

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For the entirety of 2016, I decided that I was going to journal write every single day until the end of the year. For the most part, I kept up worth it and the 300+ page journal I kept is now completely full of memories, moments, and simply just thoughts I had at the time. By the time the year was ended, I realize just how much journaling the entire year helped me shape into the person that I always wanted to be.

People dismiss journaling because people classify it being something that “emotional” people do to cope with their emotions. Where, yes, it’s a place where you most likely write your emotions down whenever you’re feeling them, but journaling could be s helpful when things get a little too much to handle. Nowadays, people keep bullet journals to help organize their life and make sure it keeps them on track, so it’s not always about writing to your therapist named “Diary”. I kept a daily journal for an entire year for one reason and one reason only: to make me feel better.

I came into 2016 from having such a rocky and terrifying 2015. I felt like I was slowly losing who I was and I needed to change it ASAP. I decided that I was going to keep a daily journal that would document the year 2016. 2016 was an important year for me because for the main reason that in June, I was graduating college. Who would’ve thought that there was so much more that I actually documented that are now life-long memories? It’s crazy how life works that way.

I don’t know why I stopped after 2016 was over, but I did. I noticed that towards the end of the year, my entries sounded a lot more like Facebook status updates instead of things worth documenting, but even after that – journaling really helped improve my mental health tremendously. I know everyone isn’t a writer and may not feel it be necessary to write in a notebook without a reason, but doing so helps you “talk it out” with yourself with words.

Sometimes, all you need to do is to talk out your thoughts to put them out in the world. Journaling does that while also keeping them confidential, just in case there are just some things you don’t want someone knowing like a family problem or health problem. Personally, I was going through a lot of family problems before I started writing in a journal. Although journaling didn’t help the problems go away, it did make it easier to cope and deal with my feelings in a way that didn’t make me lash out in anger.

I also wanted to start journaling to physically see the change in myself once I finished the book in a year. Although I haven’t had the time to read 365 pages of entries, I know I saw the change in just a few of the posts that I wrote. I began to write about the happy things in my life, as well as look at myself through an unbiased lens. It’s weird because I felt like journaling made me into a “real person” again because the journal had memories and moments told in my perspective, which meant I had to trust myself enough to believe these things happened the way they did.

 

Journals of the past.

 

The fact of the matter is that I was always a journal writer. I’ve kept journals since I was 9 years old, the difference between those journals and the daily one I kept was that these other journals spoke about things that happened because of other people. “Oh, this girl told a nasty rumor about me and I was so close to beating her ass at lunch today.” “Oh my god, my crush finally kissed me in the rain!” They were about moments that involved me, yeah, but these became impersonal because they never truly showcased any growing I did over the years. I actually just recently threw away a lot of my old journals because of this very reason. Why did I want to keep journals that never represented my journey?

Besides my middle school journal, the only other journal I kept was my 2016 journal.

Sometimes, journaling just shows you the journey that you forget about being on once you’ve already been there.

Because it’s already too late into 2017 to start a daily journal for the year, I’m planning to strictly keep a summer one. Because 2018 is going to be another big year for me, I might just start another daily journal then, to document that year’s accomplishments and big events that I can’t wait to actually go through.

Pick up a pen and book and start writing. Trust me, it doesn’t hurt to try. 😉

-Liz (:

 

Topic Tuesdays: Advice

What Grad School Taught Me.

liz

I’m the first one within my immediate friends’ group and family to be attending grad school. Ultimately, I didn’t plan on going to grad school for my Master’s because I thought four years of college were enough to last me for a lifetime. I knew I wanted to expand my studies in Cinema because I wanted to become a scriptwriter for awhile, and I needed more studies in film and television if I wanted to pursue that as a career. I applied in Fall 2015 to attend a film school in Fall 2016. I got rejected due to limited spots within the program, and by that point, I felt extremely discouraged and told myself that grad school was officially out of the picture.

Until CSI granted me the opportunity to continue my studies in their MA program for English. I felt blessed to have this handed to me without having a backup plan after the film school rejected me, so I decided to stay at my college and study English (again) as a grad student.

I am currently wrapping up my first official year of grad school. I will be graduating this time next year.

Boy how time flies.

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If you were to ask “22-year-old college senior Liz” what grad school would be like, I would tell you that it was going to be tedious, but nothing that I can’t handle. I still remember my last famous words being “I did 5 classes for two semesters straight; how hard could two classes be?”

Dear “22-year-old college senior Liz”, you played yourself.

Prior to attending grad school, I planned to do a lot of things with the spare time I thought I was going to have. I wanted to be more involved with my school’s drama club, I wanted to write a lot more scripts and potentially make them into short films or scenes, and I definitely wanted to finally get a job. After realizing that I had a project already due the first day of grad school, I realized just how intense grad school was going to be.

Grad school is definitely a different type of commitment you make than regular college. Nowadays, it’s ideal to go to college after high-school; most careers and jobs require a Bachelor’s degree. Going to grad school and getting your Master’s isn’t as common, hence why it’s more a commitment. The reality of it all is that you don’t have to go to grad school; you could be perfectly fine with life with just your Bachelor’s degree. So when you decide to pursue grad school and it becomes too much to handle, the question of “do I really need to do this?” definitely comes up. I know it did for me.

Grad school, especially studying English, requires a lot of research. You’re writing 20-page final papers, you’re putting on presentations for 4 different projects, and your vacation days and breaks that you have are strictly for doing work.

Grad school has definitely taught me a lot about my work ethic and how to properly handle my time management. My undergrad years I did my work very last minute, especially in classes that I really didn’t like. I went through many semesters not reading any of the books for my literature course and still managed to pass all of them with A’s and such. Grad school… a completely different ball game. The readings are longer, dense, and require a lot more of your time in order to engage in class discussions and most of all, you’ve made it this far. People don’t understand that at when in a grad-level class, everyone made it just as far as you. People are a lot more intellectual, and the people who may appear like they don’t do much in class are the same people who are honestly just low-key geniuses.

The truth of it all is that you have to physically prepare yourself for grad school and even then you’re not fully ready. People assume that grad school is just going to be a little bit harder than undergrad (or even easier) when really, two classes feel like two full-time jobs. Grading is different, attendance is different, the work is different, and yes – even the stress is different.

In my bad habits turned to good ones’ post, I explain how I had to revamp my time management skills by pretty much using my calendar to write down even the days that I have to do work. Grad school work is nothing like undergrad; YOU CANNOT LEAVE IT FOR THE LAST MINUTE. It’s impossible, to say the least.

Last but certainly not least, you have to change your attitude towards school if you want to pass grad-level classes. Specifically, at my school, I have to keep at least a 3.0 GPA (in other words, a B) in order to graduate. My GPA right now is a 3.3, which honestly can change with just a simple bad grade in one course. The pressure that comes with exceeding in grad school literally wears you out, and if you don’t have tough skin to handle the ups and downs of grad school, then grad school isn’t the place for you.

It’s the honest truth.

Of course, grad school isn’t just this horrible place of negativity and anxiety. If anything, grad school has made me into a better writer and has been teaching me the reality of what it takes to be respected in academia. In the near future, I’ll be writing a post about the writing/rhetoric composition side of writing I learn in grad school that I never knew even existed; but that’s beside the point. As a grad student, you are granted this freedom that you don’t get as an undergrad. In grad school, you are allowed to have your own ideas and explore all these different things without having your professors tell you you’re off-topic or some shit (of course, some professors are just naturally one-sided). As a grad student, there is this certain respect you get from your peers that you don’t necessarily get from undergrad because the classes are just overly crowded on the undergrad level. You also get to connect with professors better when you’re on the grad-level (honestly, Professor Carlo has been such an inspiration for me while on this grad school journey, so thank you for making me a better writer).

All in all, grad school is a risk that you should take if you believe that you can do it. It’s okay if you know deep down inside you can’t handle it; it’s not for everyone. I didn’t know that it was essentially for me, and I’m still trying to cope with the new surroundings and identity being a grad student. Yes, at times I feel like the stress and anxiety do take over me, but personally, I feel like grad school has made me grow into myself and to perfect my craft as a writer.

So, if you’re thinking about grad school, I say go for it. There’s nothing wrong furthering your education. If you’re not thinking about grad school, don’t sweat it. Don’t do it because you have to, do it because you want to.

-Liz (:

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: My Social Anxiety Story. (4/22/17)

liz

Over the years, I’ve realized just how bad my shyness can be, especially at social events and gatherings. I always wondered why it scared me whenever I was invited to a party, and why I decided to never go. I’ve always enjoyed having a good time, so why did I never allow myself to by just saying yes to the invitations I get? I realized that as I got older, the anxiety got worse, and when I tried to take control of it one time, I realized that this wasn’t just a little episode of anxiety, but that I have some sort of social anxiety.

When I was younger, I was extremely outgoing. I had tons of friends in my neighborhood, school, and going to parties and to friend’s houses weren’t so nerve-wracking. I would classify myself as a leader when I was younger; I never followed anyone and I was always fearless to do the things that no one else wanted to do. I guess after I graduated middle school and moved on to a school in a neighborhood that none of my friends lived in, I became very timid and shy. Even though my high-school experience didn’t make me introverted since I had tons of friends in high-school, the fact that I felt like I couldn’t fit into most groups made me fall into the category of “quiet, smart people”.

The earliest memory I have of feeling anxious at a social gathering was when I was invited to a friend’s “Sweet 15” back in 2009. I went with a couple of my guy friends from middle school, and when I got to the party and they started to talk and dance with the other girls there, I was left at the table by myself. I left at midnight, crying because none of my friends were there hanging out with me, and I felt super awkward being there. After that whole thing happened, I declined Sweet 16 invitations and decided that my best bet was to stay home and be comfortable in my own setting.

When I graduated high school and started college, I realized that because the school was so big and filled with thousands of people, I knew it was impossible to be “popular”. It was also going to be impossible to make friends and actually keep them because most of these people lived in Staten Island, and me in Brooklyn. For four years, my only friend was Obie, my high-school best friend since 2009. I didn’t have a group of college friends until I was in my senior year of college when I decided to take acting classes for my drama minor requirements.

When I made this group of friends in acting, I was very anxious in interacting with them outside the classroom setting. The first time my friend, Tori, drove me home after class, I was definitely a different person than the one I was in that classroom. Tori was like my other half in that class, and everyone knew it. But something changed in me once we both left that classroom; I was nervous, I was quiet, I was wondrously looking around to keep myself from focusing in on the situation itself. I remember sharing this during a “human behavior” session in Acting the following class, and she admitted that she saw that happening to me. It was embarrassing, to say the least.

Because I was determined to keep this new group of friends, I wanted to put myself out there more. Not only did I have this new-found group of friends, but my best friend is Obie, aka “Mr. Social Butterfly”. No matter what day it is, he constantly has someone to hang out with because he’s just so sociable and outgoing. He’s been that way since as long as I’ve known him, and I realized that if I wanted to be a part of his friend circle and interact with everyone in it like a normal fucking human being, that I needed to fight this battle I have with social anxiety. For years, Obie has known my struggle with my social anxiety, and I appreciate that he doesn’t try to put me into situations where it could be overwhelming. At the time though, I felt left out in that part of his life. I wanted to be cordial and on a talking basis with his friends and family, I wanted to be invited to his gatherings or to the bar whenever he went with his friends; I just wanted to feel like I was able to fit in with him and his friend group. After the many failed attempts in trying to be sociable with the people who came over to his place while I was there, I told him I wanted to be formally invited to his 24th birthday party. He warned me, and after not listening to him, I realized I should’ve.

Over the years, Obie has cut down his “turn-ups” and parties a lot, but the only big bash he really throws his one for his birthday. His birthday is usually during the “unofficial start of the summer” weekend, aka Memorial Day weekend. Of course, he was throwing another party at his house, and I finally wanted to be a part of his birthday celebration. We went back and forth on whether or not it was going to be okay for me to go, yet I told him I needed to do this for myself. So, I went.

That Saturday night, I got to his place two hours before the party was supposed to start. (Red Flag #1: people who tend to show signs of anxiety usually make it their mission to be one of the first people at a social gathering so that they don’t walk into something that’s already crowded.) When I got there, I was one of 6 other people there, and these other six people were friends and family that I see whenever I’m at his place, so I felt comfortable. As more people came and the more crowded his apartment was getting, I was getting a little anxious. From the time I got there to the time I left at midnight, I stayed in one spot of the entirety of the night. (Red flag #2: people who tend to show signs of anxiety usually stay in one particular spot at social gatherings, making it hard for them to mingle and socialize with other people, and even feeling anxious to get up from their spot to use the bathroom because you’re afraid someone is going to look at you when you do get up.) The people who I was first there with were now all over the apartment talking to people, playing Uno (which I wanted to join in but was too scared to get up which is Red flag #3: people who show signs of anxiety don’t create opportunities to join into something, they wait until someone who is doing the activity ask them if they want to join, which in that case you say yes.) Of course, no one asked me to play, and I sat in my spot, just watching those around me, feeling awkward.

Every once and awhile, Obie came to ask me how I was doing, and when it became too transparent on my face to continue saying I was fine, I told him “I feel weird.” In his attempts to keep me company and to help me feel better, I knew he couldn’t cater to me all night; it was his birthday and his party and those who came to his party wanted to see him. He had to be the host that night, not my only friend at the party. After awhile, there was no room to get by and my anxiety began to skyrocket. By 11 o’clock, I was ready for my father to come and pick me up because I started to get really hot in the face and every person that came up to try to talk to me, I responded in jibberish. I was a mess, to put it kindly, and when my father finally texted me that he was downstairs of Obie’s building, I pulled Obie to the side and told him I was leaving.

In my attempt to remain calm and content, Obie saw right through me. He knew that something was wrong, and after trying to play it off all night, I finally told him that I was having a really bad anxiety attack. I saw him through blurry, panicky eyes. I was hot, I couldn’t breathe, and I don’t remember if I actually heard anyone or anything around me besides Obie. He handed me a glass of water and walked me downstairs. He hugged me bye and I cried all the way home.

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Most people will never understand the severity of social anxiety, and that’s just a straight up fact. Every now and then, anxiety can go away and be prevented, but it takes more than “just start talking to people” or “just be yourself, silly.” It’s when you feel stuck in your seat and no matter how badly you need to use the bathroom, you hold it in because you don’t want anyone to see you get up. It’s when you rather let someone else answer the question that a professor asks because you’re too afraid of answering and being told that it’s wrong. It’s the awkward jibberish that comes out of your mouth when trying to socialize with people and then feel embarrassed when you sound dumb because your mind is too nervous to function right. It’s when you unintentionally make yourself the oddball in a group of people but at the same time screaming in your head “please talk to me first!”

It’s all these things and more, and it’s something that people will write off as being rude or “not being friendly”. Some of my old friends don’t even talk to me anymore because they think that I don’t care about them anymore because I never reach out when really, being the first to text someone scares the shit out of me because I’m afraid of annoying them. The truth of the matter is is that’s the last thing I’m trying to do.

I usually keep my anxiety to myself because it’s definitely one of those things that people will easily write off as being weak because everyone has anxiety in one way or another. I also keep it to myself because no matter how bad I’m feeling, I always feel like my little episodes of anxiety bother people when I express them. The fact of the matter is that yeah, I tend to make the littlest things and think about them all damn day, not realizing that it wasn’t that big, to begin with.

I don’t know.

I guess I’m just trying to be okay with myself and sometimes, it’s just not enough.

 -Liz. (:
Self-Appreciation Saturdays

Self-Appreciation Saturday. (4/15/17)

liz

I hope everyone who is currently on Spring Break is having a lovely week off from school or work or whatever you are on vacation for; I definitely needed this time off to get all the week that I needed to get done GET DONE before the semester ends in a month. Again, this is what my Spring Break has been like for the last two years: just working on school stuff at home.

But now that we all had our week off and we all return to reality on Tuesday, it could be hard to transition from “lazy, unproductive self” to “did I forget to breathe during my long day of work?” self. We all got a taste of relaxation and days of sleeping in, and now we all have the Spring Break blues. 

So, how do you get rid of them before the break is actually over?

Continue reading “Self-Appreciation Saturday. (4/15/17)” →

Important

Just a couple of minor thoughts.

liz

These posts seem to be written far too frequent, and I apologize that that’s the case.

I’ve just been feeling really out of place and under the weather for a couple of weeks for many reasons, and keeping up the blog has not been something I’ve personally been wanting to do with my free time. In all honesty, it’s one of the things that I’m starting to consider stressful, especially on top of my schoolwork and all that jazz.

Honestly, I feel like I’m slightly getting lost and slightly depressed. The last thing I would want to happen is if I completely lost myself because of everything currently going on around me.

I personally need some space.

I’m taking a break from TNTH these following two weeks, which means that no new posts will be published until then. I need time to plan out what I want to write, as well as have time to do what I have to do personally and just get myself out of this funk.

I just don’t feel like I’m currently in the right mind space to be writing blog posts about positivity and happiness when I’m personally not feeling that myself.

I definitely am still planning to do the Instagram Livestreams during Spring Break, so yes, TNTH will be back the week of Spring Break, starting Saturday, April 8th. 

Again, thank you guys for sticking around, whether you click on the links I share throughout my social media accounts, or find my blog posts on the WordPress Reader; I appreciate each and every one of you who read my stuff.

I apologize, again, for going on this hiatus from the blog. As much as I want to write and post and create for this blog, my mental health and schoolwork take priority in everything.

See you guys in two weeks.

-Liz (:

Topic Tuesdays: Random

Happy First Day of Spring!

liz

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Goodbye cold winter and bare trees, hello warm Spring and green leaves!

It’s the season that people begin to smile more, go out more, and enjoy life just a little bit more. Seasonal Affective Disorder slowly goes away for the year and the warmer weather puts everyone in a great mood. That’s right, it’s MY favorite season – SPRING!

Spring is literally the rebirth of the earth. The leaves on the trees grow back, grass grows back, flowers bloom; the feeling of Spring is always a positive thing.

Clothing Changes

I personally like Spring because I like wearing light jackets. Like I mentioned in my January 2017 Favorites post, my denim jacket is like a holy grail of mine. I know that this entire Spring season, I am going to be wearing that denim jacket everywhere I go. I also like Spring because colors get reintroduced into my wardrobe. Because I had ombre in my hair for the past few years, I always wore colors that complimented blonde hair… most of the time it was black. I love wearing black for many reasons, and my wardrobe consists of a lot of black clothes, but I started to realize that once I dyed my hair black, all my dark colored clothes were too close to my hair color, which began to wash me out.

The Spring is always a great way to experience with brighter and more vibrant colors. I always like to wear bright, pastel colors that represent the season, as well as wear floral patterns or any sort of Spring-like pattern. Spring is the best time to experiment new fashion styles because it’s not too hot and not too cold to try it. This Spring, I am looking to extend my clothing style to be a bit more bright and vibrant, like me. 😀

Hair Color Changes

Last year on March 23rd, 2016, I said goodbye to my infamous ombre hair and transitioned to have all black hair. I never wanted to dye my hair all black because I know how much of a bitch it would be to get the color out of my hair, but at the time I wanted to transition to black hair because it would get my hair healthy again and I was tired of having to maintain the ombre. At first, it was an amazing change and an amazing way to transition (how many times can I use that word in this paragraph) into the Spring season. I loved it, people loved it, and I was happy how it looked. Of course, everything gets old after awhile, and I’m on a mission to change my hair color once again. This is what happens to a lot of people during a season change because it’s honestly the best time to change something. Although I have a long way to go to take the black out of my hair (I mean, I could bleach it, but I really don’t want to put bleach on my hair now that it’s healthy), I know eventually that I want to lighten my hair to the point where it’s brown. Plus-size model Denise Bidot has been on my radar for inspiration and style for about a year and a half now, and her short brown hair has literally been goals for me since I discovered her back when I used to shop at Forever 21.

Denise Bidot for Forever 21.

Spring Break!

I think every student at any level is always excited to have some time off during the Spring, even if you don’t have “Spring Break festivities” planned ahead. I was never a person who went on vacation during Spring Break, but Spring Break to me always meant that the end of the semester was coming, and that summer was on its way. The downside of Spring Break is that sometimes, professors think that because we have all this time to ourselves, it means we want to actually spend our time away from school doing school work… I am still traumatized by the amount of work I had to do last year during Spring Break.

Last year, Spring Break was at the end of April, and once we returned to school, we were pretty much wrapping up the semester and I still had a ton of work to do before graduating. Not only did I have to read two entire books for my Literature final, I had to do three chapters of Linguistics homework to study for the final, and I had to read about 15 student stories for my Fiction class. Oh, and I had to go out and see a play to write a paper on it for my Acting II class. Let’s just say it felt like I was in school for my entire Spring Break. I have a funny feeling that it’s pretty much going to be the same thing this year as well, especially because it’s grad school and professors love to say that we can handle anything. Let’s just hope I don’t die with the workload this year.

More Adventures

Once the weather gets warmer, people are outside enjoying themselves in front of their houses, in their backyards, at parks, etc. Personally, I like to walk and explore all over NYC, and now that I have a little camera, I definitely would like to take beautiful nature photos of the city. Even at the beginning of the month, although some days were really chilly and cold, the sun just shined brighter than usual and it makes anyone ready for the warmer weather. It’s even better when flowers and leaves begin to show up, which makes the outdoors look more beautiful and appealing. I know I’m excited to people hanging out outside, birds chirping in the morning, and the sun beaming on my face during my daily walks.

Spring is here, and I can’t wait to see what it offers!

-Liz (:

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

Self-Appreciation Saturday (2/4/17).

liz

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I am a fat girl, and I’m not ashamed to call myself that.

I never liked to call myself the “F” word because I thought it was more of an insult than a term to actually describe yourself. For years I would call myself chubby, thick, big, curvy, chunky; pretty much any variation of what it meant to be fat. As I started to get older, I realized that I wasn’t any of those things because the reality of it is that I am not just a little chunky. I’m not a little chubby. I’m more than thick and big is not doing it justice. I realized that the word “skinny” is widely used to describe people in a positive light, whereas “fat” isn’t.

I admitted to myself not too long ago that I was a fat girl, and I’m unapologetic about it.

I began to get bullied in the 6th grade; people would make fun of me to the point that I began to skip lunch in school and drink water for 8 hours a day. The bullying was bad to the point that I remember losing it during my math class one day at the end of the year. I mean, it took a visit to my principal and the guidance counselor from my parents to finally stop the bullying, but it doesn’t mean the image of being “the fat girl” ever went away.

Of course, as I got older, I began to gain more weight; it’s life. When I was 19, I had to get my gallbladder removed because I was beginning to get unbearable pain from it, not realizing that once I removed it, it would cause such a rapid weight gain. I gained 60 pounds in a matter of four years, and I am currently at my heaviest. I can share this about myself because I am now trying to get lose the weight that I gained, and not so I “feel better about myself”, but because I want to get healthier.

My weight does not make me ugly. “Fat” isn’t a term you call “ugly girls”. My weight does not limit me from doing everyday activities, although it does make some things more difficult to do than others. I can walk, I can run, I can stand, I can love, I can be sexy, I can have sex, and I can be appreciated in someone else’s eyes.

Fat people are still people.

Fat Girl/Fat Guy Love:

People have this assumption that if you are a fat person, your love life is pretty much doomed. People think that fat people aren’t attractive, so they look over them as potential partners (of course, unless fat people are your cup of tea). I will admit, I tend to look over fat guys who don’t appeal to me, and I can say that guys look at me and say the same thing; but why does it have to be that way? Why is it programmed in our minds that thinner people are more attractive? Why are people so turned off by a stomach and love-handles? The fact of the matter is fat people love just as much as thinner people, and we like people and have crushes the same way as well. I had a boy in my middle school tell me once that he didn’t like me because “I didn’t look like his type” and instead proceeded to ask me if I can talk him up to my more thinner, “prettier” friend. Things like that make fat people feel the way they do about themselves, and end up never loving themselves for more than just their body.

Screenshot 2017-02-03 at 2.55.09 PM.png After all of the years of being rejected by the people who I liked, I finally had a connection with a person who still thinks I’m cute and pretty and beautiful in my own way. He, of all people, knows that sometimes my fatness can make me insecure, especially in times of intimacy. One of the things that I acknowledged that he began doing was whenever we would just cuddle and fall asleep, he will place is hand on my stomach. At first, it make me feel very insecure about myself, and I would actually move it away sometimes. I realized that after he began doing that, I wasn’t so closed in with my body as I once was. I believe it was a sign telling me he didn’t care about it, and that he loved me for me. Every fat girl or guy should feel that revelation that they can be loved too.

Fat Sex:

Stop thinking that having sex with a fat person is a sin. It’s just sex with a fat person. People have this assumption that fat people don’t have sex. “Fat sex looks like it’s complicated, I mean how is she going to ride? How am I suppose to find the vagina/penis? Is it just fat slapping against each other when you’re doing doggie-style?”

Heh, listen.

Obviously in my situation, I am the fat person during sex; my partner is about 120 pounds lighter than I am, and from what we discussed, having sex with a fat person is just as regular as “average people sex”. I mean, there’s just more thighs, more boobs, and a lot more ass. I am able to do anything a thinner person can do during sex, so why do people think fat sex is nasty or disgusting? I don’t know about you, but sex is such an amazing experience for me, and when I’m in it, I feel confident, sexy, and alive doing it. The Nerdy Nonconformist said it best in her blog post, “Fat and Fuckin’“, that “we have sex lives – often, really really GREAT sex lives – and that we are not all just laying in the bed, huffing and puffing, doing the missionary position only.  Or always doing doggie style so we can rest on our elbows.  We can bounce like no other and can put ourselves in positions that are AH-MAZE-ING.” 

She also points out that just because fat people have sex, doesn’t mean that we are having sex just to have it. Fat people don’t “fuck” anyone just to feel desirable to someone. Fat people, especially fat girls, are not having sex with a man who wanted to have sex with her to say “I want to see how sex with a fat girl is like”. Fat people aren’t an experiment. Stop treating their sex lives as one.

Fat People Haters:

There will always be people out there that deem our bodies as disgusting and disgraceful because “we are killing ourselves with their fat bodies more and more each day and it’s unacceptable to be fat.” As much as you want to punch those kind of people in the face, you simply just need to ignore those type of people. Sometimes, it’s hard to look past all the negative things that comes with the word “fat”. It’s the first thing someone will call you if you’re arguing with someone and it’s the first thing people will joke on. It’s also the oldest insult and joke in the motherfucking book. How about you come for something that might actually hurt me? At the end of the day, people who try to put down the fat community are just upset that we are currently in a movement where fat girls can wear “fat-kini’s” in the summer time and a fat guy can be just as smooth as a skinny one. The fat community is beginning to accept and embrace themselves in ways that we haven’t for years on end.

If you defend yourself and love yourself, your body isn’t going to be the thing people worry about. They are going to be looking at you for your intelligence, generosity, and personality. Even the skinniest people can have ugly hearts and personalities.

Becoming healthier for you, not because you’re fat:

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Going back to my story, I am currently on Weight-Watchers because for me, my health matters more. I am not sorry for being a fat girl, and I’ve accepted the fact that at my current state, I am fat. What I won’t accept from it is the fact that now that I’m getting older, my health can begin to take severe downfalls because of the excessive weight gain. I am on this new journey in my life because I want to be healthier and more full of life, not because my fatness is ugly. Stop thinking that dieting is just me trying to lose weight, because while yes, that’s one of the main reasons people do dieting, the other big reason is that people just want to become healthier and adapt healthier lifestyles.

I’m tired of walking up flights of stairs and gasping for breath when I reach the top. I’m tired of not wanting to get the clothes that I like to wear because department stores think that fat girls only wear housewife, looking clothes. I’m tired of not wearing tank-tops in the summer because it’s personally one of my insecurities. Just because I’m tired of feeling this way, doesn’t mean I hate how I look. You should want to change to be healthy. Not because you think you’re ugly.

“Fat” isn’t ugly. It’s natural, and it’s life.

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-Liz (: