Author: liz

I remember sitting down with Kevin during Shawn’s wedding reception. Grace was on the dance floor with her family, dancing with Skylar as their family surrounded them. Shawn was sitting at the table his family sat at with a huge smile on his face.

Kevin looked up as I sat in the seat next to him, watching the families dance along to the music the DJ is playing.

“Hyung,” Kevin greeted me. “I’m shocked to not see you disco dancing on the dance floor.”

“Ha, ha,” I deadpanned, laughing afterwards. “Grace is the dancer in this duo. Speaking of duo, where’s JooAh?”

“She’s catching up with one of Shawn’s cousins; apparently they went to college together and didn’t realize it,” Kevin explained. “I’m just ready for the desserts to come out already.”

“Kevin with a sweet tooth? Who even are you?” I teased as Kevin rolled his eyes. “Shawn and Skylar really outdid themselves with this wedding though. It’s very–“

“Expensive?” Kevin concluded. “I don’t get how they were able to pull all of this off in a year; JooAh and I got married months before we had the wedding–“

“Wait, what?” I interrupted, not knowing this prior knowledge. “You and JooAh were already married?”

“Legally, yes; to friends and family, no.” This was news to me, considering that both JooAh and Kevin were your typical Korean couple and did things as according. “JooAh and I wanted to be married before Yubin’s birth, so we secretly got the marriage license and had the ceremony months after Yubin was born.”

“Ya,” I reacted, leaning against the back of my chair. “Was it just too much to do everything at once?”

Kevin nodded his head. “Too much.” His stare lingered on too long for my liking, which meant he had something else to say. “Are you and Grace–“

“Ya,” I simply said. “I already had to deal with Shawn and his nonsense last night, I would like to not have to deal with yours now.”

“It’s just a simple question, hyung,” Kevin shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. “You do plan on getting married, right?”

“I’m going to tell you what I told Shawn,” I began to say, taking a deep breath. “Grace and I have a lot on our plate right now. I don’t want to stress her out with more things while she’s pregnant.”

“That’s nice of you; give her a break all while being half the reason she’s pregnant in the first place.” I looked at Kevin, not used to him being so informal and direct with me like this. For a second, I felt like Shawn sitting in this seat. “I’m just saying, hyung, you don’t want to wait too long to propose and get married. Before you know it, Grace is going to have the baby and your whole life changes.”

I knew Kevin was right. I knew that the best case scenario was to get married before the baby comes in June, but I know Grace better. I know that this alone was a lot for Grace to deal with, and I didn’t want to have to rush her to make huge decisions all at once. I also knew that I was buying time because I was simply not ready, especially with fatherhood on the way.

“So you’re telling me just skip the whole wedding part and just get married at city hall?” I slightly teased. Kevin didn’t catch on to the sarcasm.

“You do plan on marrying her, right? Or do Americans do things differently these days,” Kevin spat back. Now I wasn’t the one amused with his sarcasm. He sighed before he continued. “Hyung, it’s not a matter of if you’re going to marry Grace–I already know you are–but you also don’t want to wait too long to do it. Time flies when we think we have enough of it.”

“Okay, Confucius,” I dismissed, looking toward the dance floor. I watch Grace as she sings out loud with Skylar, enjoying the night away. There was no question that Grace was the one. I knew that no matter how much time it took, Grace and I would be together; married and with a family of our own. But thinking that far ahead meant that things actually needed to happen, and the more I thought about it, the more I actually felt like time was slipping away from me. Before I knew it, Grace and I were going through exactly what Kevin had warned me about.

…

The first couple of months have felt like a complete blur for both Grace and I. Our day-by-day looked completely different since Maki came along; what was once a life between Grace and me was now completely engulfed by our daughter. On the days that we were able to squeeze time for anything else–like wedding planning–Grace seemed to be mentally occupied by Maki and became anxious when she was separated from her for a moment of time. Because of thaty, any wedding planning was either postponed, or any important appointments we had were only accompanied by me.

Not only was time not on our side, but now our families have been asking us more and more questions about the wedding, hoping to get more details about the special day.

“Grace, we taking you to the bridal shop to get your dress this weekend,” Skylar nonchalantly said as she picked up another dumpling. Shawn and Skylar had forced themselves into our busy schedule one night for dinner; they considered it “their treat” even though they decided to have it at our place.

Grace looked at her cousin before speaking, seeming confused. “That came out of nowhere,” Grace commented, looking at me now. 

“Maybe you’ll listen to Jamie if I bring it up in front of him,” Skylar spat back. She turned her direction to me. “You have to stop letting Grace get away from doing things for the wedding.” I grabbed the back of my neck nervously, not knowing what to say. 

“I understand, but we’ve been so busy with Maki—”

“We will watch Maki while you guys do some wedding things,” Shawn confidently said. I can already the heat rising up in Grace’s body.

“Absolutely not!” Grace finally spat out, looking at her cousin now. “Maki is only a few months old, she’s not ready to be away from her parents—“

“She’s 4 months old, Grace; my dad was letting grandma babysit me way before that.”

“That explains a lot,” Grace mumbled to herself, only being audible to me. 

“Ya,” I scolded her, not approving of her comment. “It’s just been hard do wedding planning in the midst of taking care of a new baby.” It’s been hard for Grace to do wedding planning in the midst of taking care of Maki.

“And I get that, but Grace is not about to leave it to the last minute and turn into a bridezilla.” Sky intervened.

“Takes one to know one, huh?” Grace spat out as Skylar gasped, ready to attack. Shawn holds her back as I try to get Grace’s attention.

“You have to understand we’re parents trying to plan a wedding. I do agree; there are some things that we both could start planning now—“

“Jamie,” Grace whined.

“But understand we are trying our best to balance everything out.” Skylar’s face softened, which prompted Shawn to let out a deep sigh of relief. I looked over to Grace, seeming to be on the same page as me. 

I looked back at Skylar and Shawn. “We are open to letting you guys babysit Maki while Grace and I handle wedding business under a few conditions. You guys will babysit her here, and that you follow our instructions.”

“Hyung,” Shawn began to say. I shook my head, not taking any questions or comments about this. 

“Is that a deal?” I said to him and Skylar. Skylar rolled her eyes as she huffed and puffed, looking at Grace and I.

“Deal.” She spat out. “I just want to finally go and experience Grace’s moment when she finds her dress.” Grace sympathized with her, and walked over to Skylar. 

“And we will,” Grace reassured her cousin. It was definitely a role I’m not use to Grace playing. It was more maternal than I expected. Perhaps Maki is rubbing off on her more than I anticipated.

I looked over at Grace, smiling at her.

…

There were rows upon rows of different wedding cake flavors at this shop. Every type of cake and icing and frosting was at this place. The salesperson had said the last 2 sample platters he served us over said that every slice had ‘the perfect palette for a wedding.’

The salesperson left the next sample platters on the table in front of us. Grace was leaning her head on her hand, looking absolutely disgusted by cake. 

“If I have to taste another piece of cake, I’m going to lose it,” Grace said as she put her fork down. “This is useless.”

“This has to get done, jagiya,” I said, picking at the slice in from of me. “Remember, you’re the one that booked this tasting.”

“I booked it when I was pregnant with Maki, craving nothing but dessert foods,” Grace pleaded. “I wonder if Maki’s okay with Sky and Shawn; I should call them—“

“Ya,” I scolded her. “We promised your cousin that we would do this. The least we can do is pick the cake.” The salesperson approached us with a smile on his face and another small platter of other cake slices.

“This is the last of the catalog,” he said, placing the platter down on the table. “Once you’ve made a decision, you can kindly submit the order on one of our tablets and pay the deposit up at the counter.” I smiled at the salesperson politely; that smile quickly vanished once he left Grace and I to ourselves.

“What if Maki gives Sky and Shawn a hard time? She can be quite fussy,” Grace asked, taking a bite of one of the slices. She made a disgusted face, placing the fork down back on the plate. “What if Sky is losing her mind–“

“She would’ve called us, jagiya,” I replied back, trying to reassure her. “Everything is fine, and everything is going to be fine.” I tried to convince Grace that everything was going to be alright while also trying to believe that everything is going alright back at the house. Grace had been right to think those things, but I had to put faith in Maki’s godparents… Aigoo.

“Do you really believe that?” Grace asked with a deadpanned look on her face. She was getting better in ‘reading me’; her words exactly. When I hesitated to answer, she ultimately sighed. “Maybe planning a wedding isn’t right for us at this time. We have so many other things to do—”

“We can’t keep pushing these things aside just because Maki’s here now,” I sternly said to Grace. Just how Grace is able to ‘read me’, I’m novels into knowing Grace. I don’t tell her this upfront, but I know when she’s trying to stall on things. Grace has a way to make it seem like something else needed more of her attention, and I didn’t like she was using Maki as her excuse.

“You sound like Sky now,” Grace commented, clearly upset now. “Am I the only one that cares about taking care of Maki?”

“What?” I questioned, getting visibly annoyed with her now. I could immediately tell Grace regretted what she said, but it was already said out loud, and it makes me furious. “Are you trying to say I don’t care enough about Maki because I believe we need to start making decisions for the wedding?”

“I didn’t say that—”

“You didn’t say those exact words, but what your words did say was just that,” I spat back, taking control of the conversation now. “This isn’t a competition, Grace.” I knew I should’ve worded my words differently, considering the reaction Grace had afterwards. She was pissed off.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Grace calmly asked, her brows scrunched together. I looked at Grace, fearing that we were going to walk out of this cake tasting without a wedding to even have this cake for. A lot of people in Grace’s life have been afraid of telling her the truth when she’s wrong about something. I promised myself and to her that this relationship would not be us walking on eggshells with one another. We spent the majority of our late 20s playing those games with each other.

“You’re not treating me as your equal,” I spat out, looking directly at her. “You’re treating me more like Maki’s babysitter and not like her father.”

Grace shook her head, taking in the thought. “You’re being ridiculous, where the hell is this even coming from—”

“Grace.” I looked at her, hoping that she would understand where I was coming from. It hasn’t been the easiest couple of months for the both of us. In a sense, I felt guilty to think that things between Grace and I changed when Maki came into the picture. I understand though; Maki has become such a pivotal part of our lives, but I couldn’t help but feel that Grace and I have become distant since she was born. I couldn’t help but feel like Grace was slipping away from me. I couldn’t help but feel like she didn’t want to get married.

“Are you fucking being for real right now?” She said, raising her voice.

“So fucking for real,” I mimicked back, not realizing in doing so opened a can of worms I was not ready to tackle. Grace grabbed her sweater and purse from the back of her chair and quickly put it on. “Grace—”

“If you think raising our daughter is some sort of competition for you, then maybe I chose the wrong man to have her with.” That, more than anything else she has said to me out of anger, stung the most. She knew how much that would hurt and she said it anyway just to prove a point.

I stood up from my seat, hovering over Grace now across the table. I couldn’t look away from her, and I could see that it started to make Grace uncomfortable.

“Tell me how you really feel.”

“Tell me how you really feel—”

“Ya,” I said over her, completely shutting her down. “We are literally a couple of months away from what would be our wedding date. All we had to do was focus and pick one of the 500 flavors for our goddamn wedding cake. All we needed to do was check some things off our list for our wedding. Not just mine; ours.”

“Jam—”

“I’m not finished,” I scolded her, never taking my eyes off of her. “Instead, you decided to make this about which parent cares more about Maki. You know how much I love you and the girls. You know how much I love Maki, and you still would say what you said.” I could see Grace’s face getting more white and her ears more red than ever.

“You called it a competition—”

“After you said you’re the only one that cares about her,” I spat back.

“Because it feels like that!” Grace finally confessed nearly in tears. “For God’s sake Jamie, you can’t even hold her for more than 5 seconds when she’s crying in your arms—”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t love her, Grace!” I shouted out loud. Grace flinched at the volume of my voice while still trying to stay composed. “You were once a first-time parent; did you have all the right answers? No! Because you had to learn what the right answers are through experience!”

“I’m not doing this again,” Grace almost cried out. “I am not about to sit here and have my daughter’s father tell me what I feel isn’t valid.” Her daughter. “I already had to hear it from Max for the first couple of years with Willow, and I’m not about to have you do the same with Maki.”

“Our daughter,” I corrected her.

“What?”

“Our daughter, Grace; Maki is our daughter.” I looked at her, never taking my eyes off of her. I couldn’t help but take a moment to really look at Grace.

These first couple of months being a father haven’t been the easiest. For someone as composed and organized, Maki had turned my entire world upside down. I was not living just for me anymore; I was now living for a tiny human being that I had unconditionally loved since the very first day we found out about her. It wasn’t just about Grace and I anymore; it was now about raising our daughter alongside Willow, something that the both of us have not navigated together before. I had saw hope in us. I thought Grace would’ve changed after everything she went through as a mother, everything that we both went through together. Now, I really didn’t know the woman I was talking to. This wasn’t the Grace I fell in love with all those years ago. This isn’t the woman that carried our daughter for 9 months, the woman I proposed to back at the pier. The woman I came back to New York for.

“Maybe planning a wedding is something too serious for us to do right now,” Grace simply responded, fidgeting with her fingers. She grabbed her jacket from the chair and began to walk away from the table.

“Grace—”

“I’m going to my parents’ house for the night,” she simply said to me. “I need…time.” I looked at Grace, all while feeling the empty pit in my stomach.

“Take all the time you need, Grace.” She didn’t say anything back to me; she simply turned away and began walking to the exit. At that moment, I didn’t care about the amount of time she needed to figure things out. I didn’t care if we’d ever get married at this point.

Returning back to work had been the hardest part in this newfound journey of raising Maki. For months, I tiredly go into her room when she cried in the middle of the night to help ease her and didn’t have to worry about needing to get up for work in the morning.

The day finally came when I was now called to go back to work, starting a new semester at the university I taught part-time at, in addition to still being at the firm.

Grace straightened out my tie in the bedroom, making sure every piece of clothing was in perfect place, smiling as she reached for my glasses and placed them on me.

“Gosh, I forgot how you look like in business attire,” Grace smiled as she teased me. I rolled my eyes playfully, kissing her on the forehead.

“Maki has me embracing dad-wear,” I responded.

“Dad wear?”

“T-shirts and khaki shorts,” I answered. “Anything that Maki can make a mess on and I don’t care much for.”

“Oh, that’s a must,” Grace agreed, walking back to the closet and browsed the many blazers I had in there. “Speaking of Maki; remember that we have–“

“Her doctor’s appointment at 1; I know,” I finished her sentence. Grace has got into this habit of reminding me of things that solely involved Maki. I will admit that there have been things that slipped my memory, but it feels like since then, Grace has given me “friendly reminders” of only Maki-related things.

Grace let out a deep, nervous breath. “I’m nervous for her.”

“Mwo? She’s going to be just fine,” I continued to reassure her, something I found myself doing a lot more these days. Of course as soon as I said that, Maki can be heard in the other room crying. “I’ll go–“

“No, I got her!” Grace quickly jumped up and ran out of our bedroom. I turned around and leaned on the doorframe, watching Grace pick up Maki from her rocker.

“Maki girl,” Grace cooed at her, slightly bouncing her in her arms. “Mama’s here.” I watched Grace completely become engulfed in Maki. At first, I saw it as a sweet gesture. After everything she’s been through in life, I was happy to see Grace do everything she promised herself she’d do. I could see the growth in her, but a part of me always worried about how far she’d take things. I love Grace, but I know just how much she is capable of doing.

Grace looked back at me with Maki in her arms. “Doesn’t your appa look handsome in his suit?” Maki cooed, which absolutely melted my heart. I couldn’t be upset at Grace for being so attached to our daughter; things could be extremely different knowing Grace. I smiled back at my girls, walking up to Grace as I kissed her.

“Call me if anything,” I said, looking down at her. I looked over at Maki, getting ready to pick her up from Grace. Immediately, I can feel Grace holding her tighter in her arms. I don’t say anything about it, but it annoyed me when she’d do that. It just made me feel like I wasn’t going to hold her properly, so she completely avoids handing her off.

“Maki-ya, be a good girl for eomma today,” I smiled as I said. Maki cooed in response. I slowly started walking towards the front door, dreading going back to work.

…

After writing on the chalkboard, I turned around to face the class; chalk covering the surface of both my hands.

“So those two court transcripts are to be read by next class,” I began to say as the bell rang. The students began to pack their things, and I spoke over them for important announcements. “You also have your proposals due in two weeks, so please make sure you are also actively working on them.” Many of the students walked out of the classroom, with a few of them slowly walking out with others. I placed my books back in my bag, feeling absolutely exhausted from the day already.

One student in the back begins to put his things in his bag while speaking on his cellphone. He was a younger man, most likely in his mid-20s considering the features on his face. I look up quickly before I turned around to clean the chalkboard.

“Babe, I have class later tonight… I can’t miss it again; I already missed the first meeting last week…I know, I know but,” the guy sighed looking at the screen before placing the phone back near his ear. “Angie, I can’t watch CeCe tonight, you knew this already–Ang…” I turned around and finally looked at the young man, leaning against the table he sat at during the lecture. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Before the student noticed me looking at him, I went ahead and gathered my stuff, waiting for him to leave the classroom to lock up. He didn’t seem to be moving from the desk.

“I’m sorry sir,” I begin to say to the student. He looked up at me, anxiously walking towards the front of the classroom. “I just have to lock up for the day–“

“Of course,” he finally said, holding the strap of his bookbag. “Professor Kim… I’m… going to have to withdraw from your class.”

“Is my class that bad?” I sarcastically said, trying to lighten up the mood. Clearly, he didn’t get it the sarcasm. I cleared my throat before I spoke again. “Is there a particular reason why?”

“I just… have a lot going on right now and would rather take this class when I can,” he simply said. I nodded my head, understanding where he was coming from. He smiled tightly as he walked away and out of the classroom. I hated that someone so young had to make such a decision like that. To know that your family is counting on you to be around all while trying to work on your academics and work towards your career. No one that young should have to sacrifice their education for–

The sound of my cellphone breaks my train of thought. I looked at the screen, noticing it was an alarm. “Aigoo, Maki’s appointment–” I grabbed my things and immediately raced out of the classroom.

…

It was later in the day when Grace and I got back to the apartment. Grace opened the front door as I carried Maki in the portable car seat.

“I’m glad everything worked out fine,” I said as I unbuckled Maki from the seat. Before I can even lift her up, she started crying. Grace immediately turned her head around, walking towards the both of us.

“Aww, Maki,” she said, taking Maki in her arms. “Mama’s here.” I watched her walk into Maki’s room without even acknowledging me standing there. I walked towards Maki’s room to see Grace rocking her in her arms, sitting on the rocking chair.

“Is she okay?” I asked. I knew she was okay, I just didn’t know what else to say to Grace.

Grace nodded her head. “She was just tired of having to sit in that seat all day.” She looked up and smiled at me. I couldn’t help but smile back. This is all that she ever wanted. “Oh, I need to talk to you about the academy-“

“Mwo? Is everything okay?” I asked once more, seeming a little worried.

“Yeah,” she answered, placing a sleepy Maki back into her crib. We quietly both left her room and took the conversation to the living room area. “I had gotten the permits to finally for the reconstruction of the space, but the day that they’re coming in to do the panels in the studio is the same day you have work.”

“Can your parents watch her?” I asked. Grace widened her eyes, looking at me I was some mad man. “What?”

“She can’t stay with them for an entire day, Jamie.”

“Why not?” Grace stared me down, seeming more annoyed with every question I had asked. All she did was sigh before pulling her hair back in a ponytail.

“I don’t want them to have her for the entire day–“

“Then how about Shawn and Skylar?”

“Even worse!” Grace shouted back. “Jamie, all I’m asking is that you watch her for the day while I take care of this.” I was now staring Grace down, now annoyed with this conversation.

“Jagiya, I work–“

“Your daughter is more important,” she spat back. Not only was I now annoyed, but I was getting angry. “Seriously, missing one day of work isn’t going to hurt.”

“I teach a 4-hour lecture once a week. If I miss one day of work, my students are missing one week of their work. I could watch Maki any other day besides that day; does the paneling have to happen on that specific day?”

“Yes, Jamie!” I could hear the anxiety travel in Grace’s tone. I know how much this meant to Grace; everything regarding the new space for the academy was finally getting into place, and I know Grace desperately wanted to get things done in hopes to be open by the Fall. But, what I didn’t appreciate was that she was telling me that Maki was more important than my career. Was I even talking to the same woman I met back at the cafe all those years ago?

“Then reschedule it, or pick a person to watch her while you’re at the academy,” I said firmly. Grace shook her head, getting up from the couch to walk away from me and this conversation. “Grace–“

“It’s fine; I’ll take her to the studio with me,” Grace dismissingly concluded.

“neo michyeosseo? Are you crazy?!” I shouted at her. Grace bit her inner lip, knowing that wasn’t happening. “I don’t see what’s the big issue with someone watching her for us—”

“Because she’s not ready to do that,” Grace argued back.

“No, you aren’t.” She looked at me; her eyes darted mine. “I’m sorry, but you needed to hear that—”

“I’m going to Sky’s,” Grace calmly said, walking away from me. I sighed, knowing that this conversation was now over.

“Grace—” I began to say as she started to walk towards Maki’s room. “Grace?” Grace is hovering over the crib, attempting to pick Maki up. “Ani-ya!” In an attempt to stop Grace from waking up Maki, I accidentally was the one that woke her.

Maki began to cry, and it was about time I took control of the situation. I was the one to pick her up from the crib, cradling her in my arms.

“Maki-ya, mianhae,” I calmly said, trying to ease the tension in the room. I know life with Grace wasn’t going to always be good times. Loving Grace meant I rode every wave she created, but I refuse to let Maki see her parents arguing with each other. I could tell Grace didn’t want that either. She’s actually letting me settle Maki.

Maki began to calm down; her face moist from her tears. I took my thumb and wiped away her tears. The first of many tears to come. I smiled down at her as she looked up at me.

“My girl,” I said in a low voice. I turned around and saw Grace still standing there, looking at me. I sighed and sat in the rocking chair with Maki still cooing in my arms.

Grace sighed as she sat across from me on the ottoman. Her eyes were glued onto our daughter. “I’m sorry,” she finally said. “I never want Maki to see us fight.”

“I know, jagiya,” I calmly said. I looked at Grace and I can tell her mind was racing with infinite thoughts. “I’m sorry too. It should never get to Maki—”

“I’ve just been on edge,” Grace began to explain. I listened, giving her my undivided attention. “I’ve just been trying to juggle everything on top of taking care of Maki.”

“You don’t have to do it alone though,” I reassured her. Grace didn’t seem convinced, and I understand why. I understand her way of thinking is very black-and-white. I understand that her past has her nervous system on high-alert this time around. I understand how one night she was with Willow, and the next she wasn’t. “We don’t have to do it alone.” For once, I felt like I was finally getting control of the situation. I felt like I was not only being Grace’s partner, but Maki’s fath–

“Oh!” Grace reached out for Maki once she started crying out for her. Maki’s arms were reaching for Grace, wanting to be held by her mother. Grace placed Maki in her arms, rocking her as she calmed down. Just when I thought I was finally getting over this hill with Maki.

Grace looked up at me, and I instantly fixed my face. I didn’t want her visibly see me upset that Maki couldn’t stay with me for more than 5 minutes. I immediately smiled, just happy that Grace and I aren’t fighting in front of her.

“We can have my dad watch her,” Grace finally compromised, looking down at Maki cooing. “I guess his retirement consists of having tons of time with Maki.”

I smiled at her comment. “You know he wouldn’t mind.”

The rest of night was spent with Grace and I sitting at our kitchen table, checking things off our various to-do lists. Grace wore her hair up in an bun, which would flop forward every time she looked down at the table and wrote. One pile of her papers were strictly just studio-related things. Tons of permits and stamps on numerous of papers, all while next to the pile of wedding-related things we have yet to do. I looked at Grace as she worked, admiring how she’s able to handle all of this on top of Maki.

There are some days that juggling everything feels impossible. Some nights it feels like my head can’t keep up with the numerous things that have to get done, all while still being there for Grace and Maki. To some extent, I felt like I was failing them both, and that guilt sometimes would keep me up late at night, wondering if I was even cut out to manage everything that’s been thrown at me.

“Jamie?” Grace said, looking at me. “Everything alright?”

I looked at her and smiled. I didn’t know what else to do or say without saying the absolute truth. “No, actually. I constantly feel like I am failing my family because everything is beginning to feel overwhelming. I feel like I am drowning sometimes. I feel–

“Of course, jagiya,” I said with a smile on my face. She smiled back before she continued with what she was working on. Aigoo.

The first month after Maki was born felt something between one week and one year long.

Maki has such an addicting personality; she really takes after Grace. Her face says exactly what she wants to say and is super unapologetic for doing so. Maki was also a very calm baby throughout the day. She rarely cries, and if she does it’s because she wants Grace. The way that Maki always wanted Grace made me realize that Maki might just be a mama’s girl. I can’t lie, it sort of makes me really jealous of Grace.

While Maki has been the perfect baby during the day hours, she shows her true colors when the moon comes out, like a werewolf. 

I can just make out Maki’s cry over the baby monitor. When I hear her continued cry, I looked over at Grace, barely awake.

“Jagiya, it’s your turn,” I sleepy said. “Jagiya?” I opened my eyes when I didn’t hear Grace respond, and finally see why; Grace is passed out from exhaustion. I did feel bad for her; she has her hands busy all while still recovering from giving birth. I began to get out of bed, lowering the baby monitor before getting up to walk out our bedroom.

“Maki-ya,” I said as I walked into Willow and Maki’s shared room. I was thankful that Willow hasn’t been with us for the past couple of days; Max and Miriam took her to England for the very first time. Willow has had a lot of firsts in her little life in the span of a month too. I walked up to Maki’s bassinet, seeing the little bean scream out. “Yeobo, sweetheart.”

To my surprise, Maki begins to look up at me, seeming to stop crying as she does. I smile down at her, trying to comfort her. Even a month into fatherhood, I still can’t believe I am sitting in a rocking chair holding my daughter in my arms. 

I take her out of the room, and walk to the kitchen with Maki still in my arms. I turned the little light on from the oven, preparing to feed Maki. I was thankful when she actually took the bottle this time after nights of Maki wanting the real thing directly from the source.

“I know it’s not eomma, but I’m happy you’re here in my arms right now.” Maki continues to drink from the bottle, seeing her eyes get droopy by the minute. I couldn’t help but be smitten at the sight. 

“jollin agiguna,” I cooed, putting her on my shoulder to her burp. I found myself speaking in Korean a lot more, specifically to Maki. I didn’t mean to do that, but to me it was the most natural thing I can do as I spoke to my first born. She was Korean-American and it was important to me she knew both English and Korean. 

I gently pat her back, helping her burp up after her meal. This burp was a loud one; she very much enjoyed her late-night snack. 

“uwa, chaghan ai,” I said to her in Korean first. “Good girl, Maki!” I took one of her balled up fists and lift it up for her victory. She wasn’t amused; in fact, she rolled her eyes at me, already acting like a mini-Grace.

“You know, eomma does that same thing you do,” I pointed out, knowing Maki was too young to actually have a conversation with me. “She rolls her eyes instead of just admitting just how funny I truly am.” Maki scrunches her face as if she was wondering what I was even saying to her. “Someday I’ll tell you my funniest of jokes; you’re going to love them.”

I walked her back to her room, watching her slowly drifting away to sleep. I placed her back into her bassinet, noticing just how tiny she looked in it. I still can’t believe you’re mine.

As I slowly closed Maki’s bedroom door, I turned around and noticed Grace standing there.

I held my chest with my hand. “Ya,” I began to say. “What are you doing snooping in the dark?”

“You did it again,” Grace commented. “Putting the alarm on high volume after hitting snooze.” Aigoo, I nearly scared Grace off the bed when it first happened. 

“Mianhae,” I said, apologizing to Grace. “You could’ve came into Maki’s room.”

“And scared you while you have her in your arms? No way,” Grace spat back, letting out a deep sigh. I could see how tired she was standing there. “Is she okay though? Did she eat what was in the bottle? Does she—“

“Jagiya,” I stopped her spiraling with a smile. “Yes, she took the bottle. She went straight to sleep.” It took some time for the worry to fade from Grace’s face. One thing I’ve noticed about Grace since Maki’s arrival was that she was way more maternal than she believed. She was truly a mama bear, overprotective of her baby cub. She was even sometimes overprotective of Maki with me. 

“You know how fussy she can be,” Grace said, walking towards the kitchen counter. She opens the fridge and takes out the regular milk and cold brew. Grace was never a cold brew coffee type of person, but she realized that a cold brew with milk was way faster than brewing a cup of coffee. It helped on the mornings that Maki was wide awake with us, wanting her eomma to hold her. 

I sat across from her on the island, watching her pour her cup of coffee and my cup. She took out the cold foam and poured into my cup; a more recent discover of my liking. Maybe I needed the sugar rush to keep up with Maki and Grace at the same time.

“So,” I began the conversation. “You just so happen to wake up after I got up for Maki.”

“I couldn’t help myself,” Grace responded, swirling her coffee in her cup. “I heard you in her room through the baby monitor. I didn’t want to disrupt you and Maki time.” 

Me and Maki time. “I was glad she was okay with me getting her.” Grace sighed as she looked at me. 

“You’re her father—“

“She prefers you, jagiya,” I said, accepting it as truth. “You’ve casted a spell on her or something.”

Grace couldn’t help but laugh, leaning in to ruffle my hair like a golden retriever. 

“She can sense that you’re nervous around her still,” Grace confessed. I shook my head, clearly caught off-guard and confused. 

“I’m not nervous around my daughter,” I scoffed, folding my arms along my chest. 

“You immediately get nervous when she cries in your arms for more than 5 seconds,” Grace emphasized. “I’m not judging you—“

“Excuse me for this being my first time,” I said, half jokingly.

“I just don’t want you to feel like she has a preference of parent. You’re just not showing her your true self just yet.” I was skeptical of Grace’s reasoning. The girl has been on this earth for a month and I’m not being myself? 

“And you think she can sense that?” I asked, playing along. Grace confidently nodded back.

“She can sense your tension. Once she feels like you’ve loosen up, she will melt in your arms.” Grace held my face with her hands, puffing up my cheeks. “She is going to love you so much, Jamie.”

…

I sat on the couch with Maki in my arms, feeding her out from the bottle. Grace was busy getting ready for a girl’s night out with her, Sky, Maurice, and Aimee. I encouraged her to go; it’s the least that Grace can do to get some time for herself.

She walked out the bedroom wearing a spaghetti-strapped satin dress with her sneakers. She anxiously looked around the kitchen as if she lost something.

She let out a deep breath. “There should be enough bottles for Maki to last her the night.”

“Got it.”

“And make sure you clean her bum with some powder; but not that chalky white one because it breaks her out.”

“Understood—”

“And—”

“jayiga,” I stopped Grace in her tracks, getting up from the couch. “Maki is going to be fine. You have nothing to worry about.” I kissed her forehead for final reassurance. “Go have fun with your friends. You deserve it.”

Grace smiled at me before kissing Maki on the top of head. “Be a good girl for appa, okay baby?” Maki cooed loudly at her mother, putting the biggest smile on Grace’s face. She looked at me one final time before leaving out the front door.

“Oh! And–“

“Ya,” I smiled as I said. Grace playfully rolled her eyes and leaned in for a kiss. She smiled at me afterwards.

“Have a good time tonight with Maki,” she finished her sentence. She walked away from the apartment as I closed the door with my free hand.

“Alright, Maki; what’s gonna be in store for us today?” I said, smiling down at her.

…

It had only been two hours, and Maki has not stopped crying for at least one of them. Toys were scattered around the apartment, and every baby gadget that we got doesn’t seem to be working.

I placed her down in her little rocker as she looked up at me with tears in her eyes. I sat across from her, finally getting off my feet for the first time tonight.

“Maki-ya,” I said as I rubbed my eyes with my hands. “museun il-ieyo? What’s wrong, sweetheart?” In this moment, I wish Maki was old enough to verbally tell me what it was that she wanted because this guessing game with her as been a complete failure.

She continues to cry as the rocker sways side to side. Thankfully, the doorbell rang just in time. I picked Maki up from the rocker and walked to the door.

“Thank god,” I reacted seeing Shawn standing there. I invited him inside, closing the door behind him. He looks at Maki as she looks at him with a wet face as she momentarily stopped crying.

“Hi, Maki!” Shawn said in his squeaky baby voice, which prompted Maki to cry once again. Shawn looked up at me, now nervous.

“She’s been crying for an hour, Shawn,” I finally explain, rocking Maki in my arms. “I don’t know what else to do.”

“Did you call Grace?” he asked. I shook my head no. “Hyung,” Shawn crossed his arms along his chest.

“I don’t want to ruin her night out. She deserves some time for herself,” I answered back, looking down at Maki. “She’s never cried for this long, Shawn; what do I do?”

“You’re asking me?” Shawn asked, shocked. He’s right about that at least. I sat on the sofa with Maki on my lap now. I tried giving her a pacifier one last time before I ditched the whole thing. Thankfully, she took it just for a couple of minutes, just enough to get myself together.

“Is this your first time looking after Maki without Grace?” Shawn asked me.

I scoffed before I said anything. “Do you know how long it took Grace to actually decide to go out tonight? She’s practically glued herself to Maki.” I reflected back on the month since bringing Maki home, noting that Grace was by Maki’s side 24/7. Maybe Maki is having some separation anxiety; I assumed it would be Grace that would.

“Maybe Maki thinks Grace isn’t coming back, kind of like a cat or dog,” Shawn said. I looked at him with a perplexed look, which made him continue on his tangent. “Like, when a pet owner leaves for a day, it’s common that they cry out for them because they think they are being abandoned.”

“Is that suppose to put me at ease?”

“Maybe it also works for babies.” Shawn really wanted to be right about this. “You just have to show her that you’re just as good as Grace.” Maki spat out the pacifier and started crying again.

“What? Are you also going to tell me that I need to be myself around her?” I asked, softly bouncing her on my leg. Shawn got up from where he was sitting, offering to hold Maki. I transferred her from my arms into his. Grace would have my head on a platter if she knew Shawn is holding Maki without her or Sky around for supervision purposes.

As soon as Shawn sets Maki in his arms, she immediately stops crying. She just looks up at Shawn as if she just wasn’t crying at the top of her lungs.

“Hi, Maki!” Shawn said. This girl has no emotion on her face. Shawn continued to smile down at her. “I don’t know if I should stop smiling or if it’s keeping her from crying.”

I couldn’t help but sit back down on the sofa, defeated. Shawn finally looked over at me.

“That’s just great. I can’t even get my own daughter to stop crying,” I said, feeling frustrated.

“Hajima,” Shawn scolded. Before I reminded him of his honorifics, he shook his head. “Don’t, especially in front of Maki.” I looked at Maki, staring intently at Shawn as he spoke.

This is the part of fatherhood that they don’t teach you. The absolute guilt you feel when everything you do still doesn’t ease your baby. The sinking feeling of your heart when they look at you and still cry. It was a sight and a feeling that I hate, and wish I could get rid of already.

“Maybe you’re taking it too serious, Hyung,” Shawn suggested.

“Too serious? To Maki, it is serious if she’s crying—”

“You just have to be yourself,” he answered back. I scoffed. Not this again. “She could probably sense your nervous energy, making her feel nervous. You know babies have a sixth sense like that.”

“I’ve taken care of my nieces just fine—”

“But this is your daughter. Half of her DNA is yours; she knows how nervous you are.” Maki makes a sudden movement in Shawn’s arms, cooing as she looked over at me. “Once you show her who you really are, she’ll be fine.” Shawn gets up from his seat, handing Maki back to me. Thank goodness she didn’t start crying… yet.

…

The couple of hours that Maki has been asleep were peaceful until they weren’t. She woke up, screaming for her bottle by the end of the night.

I walked into her room with her bottle in hand, placing it on top of the changing table as I picked her up from her bassinet.

“I know, I know,” I reassured her as I placed her in my arms. Normally, she would willingly take her bottle if Grace wasn’t around. Maybe she can sense your nervousness, Hyung. Great, now I have Shawn’s thoughts inside my own inner thoughts.

Maki cried and cried; nothing seemed to be working. I was getting this gut feeling that maybe, just maybe, she just didn’t like me. Maybe she preferred Grace over me. Aigoo, even thinking that is breaking my heart.

She’s going to love you so much: Grace’s words from earlier today make it worth at least try to help soothe our child.

“Maki-ya,” I said, sitting down in the rocking chair. I tried giving her bottle once more time before I finally caved in and called Grace. You got this, Jamie. I let out a deep breath, then looked down at Maki. “halemoni used to sing this to me as a baby; I think you’ll like it a lot.” Without seeking Maki’s reassurance, I began to sing jaljara uri aga, or “Hush Hush, our Baby”.

At first, Maki hated it. It was like she wanted to see who can scream louder at this time of night. Instead of letting her get her way, I tried to refocus her direction on me as I rocked her in my. “Maki-ya.” She looked up at me for a brief moment, locking in her big, brown eyes on me. I continued to sing softly to her: A baby more beautiful than the moon, a baby more beautiful than the stars; Hush hush our baby, our baby sleeps so well. The longer I sang to her, the more calm she became. She couldn’t stop staring up at me as her eyes slowly began to close.

“dalbodado goun aga, byul bodado bitnan aga; jajang jajang uri aga, jaldo janda uri aga,” I finished the song in Korean, seeing her finally drift to sleep in my arms. Did I get crack the code? Did I successfully look after my daughter while her mother was away? I knew I should’ve put Maki back in her bassinet as soon as she fell asleep, but I was stuck to the rocking chair, stuck to Maki for the rest of my life.

…

“Jamie?” I heard a woman’s voice, thinking it was just a dream I was having. It wasn’t until I left something on my shoulder that finally woke me up from my sleep.

“Grace?” I said in a sleepy voice. I rubbed my eyes as they opened to see Grace standing there. “Jagiya.“

“Bed’s too comfortable for you?” Grace teased as she sat down next to me. I shook my head, smirking as my response.

“Can’t sleep in our bed without the other part of our,” I teased back, finally awake and aware of everything. I quickly turned my head towards Maki’s bedroom. “She’s still sleeping, right?”

Grace nodded her head. “I peeked in there and she’s out like a light. You must’ve really tired her out, huh?”

“She almost won tonight,” I said, leaning my head back on the sofa, looking over at Grace. “But in the end, appa got through the battle cries.”

Grace shook her head as she laughed. “Yeah? What’d you do?”

“A magician never reveals his magic tricks,” I teased Grace. She rolled her eyes as she smiled at me. I couldn’t help but smile back.