The first year that I was back in New York, Grace and I avoided the “future talk”. That talk that had us think and talk about what we wanted for our futures, and how would that look like with the other person involved.
Grace would sit out on the fire-escape the nights she’d have these thoughts. As the year went on, she sat out there less and less, which made me think that Grace stopped having them; the thoughts where she questioned everything in her life. One night, I pulled the drapes away from the window and saw Grace sitting on the steps, sipping a can of Diet Coke wearing her pajamas and winter coat.
“Jagiya?” I called out. She immediately turned her head to face me. “You’re going to get sick sitting out there for too long.”
“I’ll be back in a minute,” she said, turning her head toward the street. I sighed, tying my robe around my waist and climbed outside of the living room window. Grace immediately turned her head again, watching me as I crawled out to the fire-escape. “Jamie—”
“I know why you’re out here,” I said. Her eyes widen, followed with a sigh.
“What gave it away?”
“You only sit out here when you’re thinking about ‘future talk’,” I answered, sitting next to her on the steps. “It’s been awhile since we had one of these—”
“Do you see us together in the next 5 years?” I looked at Grace, confused by her question.
“Well,” I started to say. “I see us together forever.” Grace rolled her eyes. That was not the reaction I was expecting.
“I’m being serious, Jamie,” Grace emphasized. “What if down the line we realize we were not meant to be? What if we just stop loving each other?”
“That’s not going to happen—”
“It did once,” Grace looked at me as she said. I scrunched my eyebrows, feeling a bit upset at her response.
“Despite popular belief, Grace; I never stopped,” I sternly stated.
“There was a point in time we both moved on, not ever thinking we’d see each other again.” I tried to read Grace’s facial expression to figure out what’s going on, and I couldn’t. It worried me. Was she falling out of love? Does she want something different for her future than me?
“But we are here now,” I defended. “Where is this even coming from—”
“I’m scared of the future, Jamie.” Grace looked at me with real concern in her eyes. I hate when her mind put her in that place. The place where she can’t trust herself when she feels even an ounce of happiness. The place where she doubts everything, thinking she wasn’t deserving of genuine love without there being repercussions behind it.
To be quite honest, I didn’t think Grace would come back to New York feeling this way after spending the last couple of weeks with her mother in Italy. When her mother invited her to come see one of the last dance shows for the production, I was excited for her. Grace has a special connection with the dance production; this time last year she was just finishing up the Ulsan production. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I’ve been living in New York with Grace. I thought a lot of her doubts went away the longer time has passed, and after telling her time and time again that this was the real thing. No more flying back to Korea every couple of months. No more wondering whether or not it was the right decision to live in New York. I was here to stay with her because my future involved her in it.
“It’s completely normal to feel that way, jagiya.” I placed her hair behind her ear to get a better look at Grace. I leaned in and gently kissed her on the lips. “But one thing is for certain: I’m not doing this future thing without you.”
…
Grace insisted that she would come back from Italy to make it to the law firm’s annual holiday party with me in midtown tonight. As the time got closer to the party, it was taking Grace longer than usual to get ready.
I entered the bedroom as I was putting my tie on, and noticed Grace was sitting at the vanity still not dressed.
“Jagiya,” I said as I walked closer to her. She turned around to face me, worried written all over her face. “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you dressed yet?”
“I’m not feeling good,” Grace began to say. I crossed my arms and cocked an eyebrow.
“I’m starting to think you believe I fall for that every time,” I teased. “What’s really on your mind?”
“Fine.” She turned her entire body around and looked at me. “I’m terrified of seeing everyone at the firm.” When I first met Grace nearly 6 years ago, she was a lawyer, working on her first big case since being hired at the Carter Law Firm. She was the one that got me the job at the firm when I moved here earlier this year, so I was confused that all of a sudden, she was nervous about attending the holiday party.
“It’s been so long since you worked there,” I mentioned.
“Exactly! They’re all going to look at me and ask me how I’ve been and what I do now, especially if we see Ari there.” Ari was once Grace’s best friend before falling out a couple of years ago. It nearly destroyed Grace, knowing that the reason for their falling out was because… well, us.
“If it makes you feel any better; Ari and I do not even interact with each other,” I said, sitting on the edge of our bed facing Grace. “And even if she walks up to you; who cares?”
“I do,” Grace fought back. “I have nothing to say to her, but knowing how petty Ari can be she’s going to try to get to me.”
“Then don’t let her.” I leaned in and smiled for reassurance. “You think I care about what Ari thinks about you or me? There’s a reason she is a part of your past. Let her judge the person you once were because she has no idea just how amazing you are now.” Grace smiled, which was always a good sign. I kissed her forehead, getting up from the bed. “Now get ready to be the most beautiful person at that party.” Grace smiled as she rolled her eyes, facing her vanity mirror now.
…
The venue combined all of the subdivisions of the law firm, so needless to say the venue for the holiday party was extremely fancy. Grace and I entered the venue, looking around at the many dining tables with a dance floor in the middle. Grace decided to wear this beautiful sparkly red dress with her curly hair pinned back. She knows just how much I love red on her. I squeezed her hand and she looked up at me.
“Let’s go find our seats.” Grace nodded her head and walked with me to the guestbook. The table we were seated at were a bunch of other lawyers and their significant others that specifically worked in my division. As dinner began to be served, Grace barely touched any of the dishes that came out. It worried me a bit, reminding myself about her very complicated relationship with food over the years. I watched her play with every dish until the main course was served; the fish.
“Jagiya,” I whispered to her. “You have to eat something.”
“I’m not that hungry.”
“You barely ate anything today,” I pointed out.
“I’m fine, Jamie.” Grace was growing annoyed at me, but not as much as I was getting with her. “Stop monitoring me.”
“Then eat your dinner,” I spat back. “And more than a bite or two.” Grace looked down at her plate and slowly began cutting the fish, placing a piece in her mouth.
“Jamie Kim,” a woman’s voice said my name. I looked up from the table and immediately felt my stomach turn. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
“Hi, Ari,” I politely greeted. The last time Ari and I had a conversation was when I desperately went to her apartment, looking for Grace after missing my flight to Korea. I went looking for Grace to tell her how I felt about her. I was going to tell her that I was going to stay in New York for her that time. “Nice to see you.”
She smiled and looked at Grace. Aigoo, Grace is completely pale in the face. “I’m surprised to see you here, Grace. Nice to see you again after all this time.” Grace doesn’t say anything back, she just nervously bounces her leg underneath the table. I absolutely hate how Ari is making Grace feel.
“Grace is my girlfriend,” I confidently said, holding Grace’s hand. I could see it in Ari’s face how surprised she is to hear those words. “It’s not as surprising considering many of us here are with our significant others.”
Ari nodded her head and put on a fake smile before she spoke. “Enjoy the rest of your night,” she said, walking away from the table. I looked at Grace, still frozen in place in her seat.
“Jagiya, it’s okay.” I grabbed her hand and kissed the top of it, letting her feel the touch on her skin.
“I need to use the bathroom.” Grace began to get up from her seat, placing her napkin on the table. “I’ll be back,” Grace said before walking away. There was something off about Grace tonight. She seemed like she had something else on her mind and she wasn’t present. I watched her rush to the other side of the hall until someone’s voice broke my train of thought.
“Mr. Kim,” a man’s voice called my name. I turned around to see Mr. Carter standing there with a smile on his face. “I’m glad you were able to make it tonight.”
“Thank you, Mr. Carter,” I greeted, shaking his hand. Mr. Carter and I have had a rocky work relationship over the past years due to our different views and work ethic, but I respected him as an attorney. Plus, he was more than kind to allow me to join the firm again after our sour first impressions.
“Would you mind if we spoke about something privately?” he asked. I was nervous, looking towards the bathroom to wait for Grace to come back. “I will promise to bring you back in one piece, Mr. Kim.” He laughed as he directed me towards one corner of the ballroom, away from the tables and other festivities. He smiled before he said anything else. It made me sweat profusely in the suit I was wearing.
“What is this about?” I kindly asked, trying to stay as stoic as possible. Mr. Carter continued to smile, folding his hands together.
“The director of your division has given me a good word about the past couple of cases you were assigned to,” he began to say. “Myself and the other division directors are looking to implement an international division to our firm, and we all came to an agreement that you would be the perfect fit to manage it.” My eyes widened, surprised to hear this news. I couldn’t believe that the chance I made to come back to New York would result in me getting a promotion like this at a law firm.
“Mr. Carter, I’m honored; I’m just a bit confused in why this couldn’t wait until business hours… I mean, it is a party.” Mr. Carter laughed at my joke, which was relieving to an extent. Really; why couldn’t this wait until Monday?
“Well, I know this is very last minute, but the division is looking to be premiered at the International Summit at the beginning of the new year, and the sooner you were made aware to this, the sooner you’d be on the next flight to Singapore!”
I coughed, nearly choking on my own spit.
“Singapore?” I repeated.
“Yes! Isn’t that exciting?” Mr. Carter said enthusiastically. “With all due respect, this expansion has been in the works for nearly a year and a half, and once you came back to the firm permanently, I knew this would be the perfect position for you.” I looked at Mr. Carter before looking out towards the ballroom. I didn’t know how to feel about this. This was surely an opportunity that I know would be stupid to decline, but… I’ve only been back for a year. Grace and I have only been together for a year. What would this do to our relationship? I can’t leave her again for a job.
“Mr. Carter, I’m honored that you believe I am capable of managing such thing for the firm, but–“
“I know,” he interrupted to say. Does he really? “You need time to think about it, which is why I’ve set us up a meeting to meet with the other directors to further discuss in a week.” Mr. Carter pats me on the shoulder before getting close to my ear. “I think this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you to do what you love while still being able to travel and visit your family.”
I watched Mr. Carter walk away, leaving me in the spot he dragged me in. I know something like this was something a younger Jamie dreamt about in law school. The nights that he spent studying for the BAR exam, missing important family events and even missing my own father’s funeral due to law school… this would make everything I worked so hard for worth it.
Before I was able to get any further with the thought, I notice Grace walking out of the bathroom at the corner of the ballroom. Aigoo, Grace!
I walked in between crowds of mingling people and tables to finally catch up to Grace. “Jagiya,” I smiled as I said. She turned around, seeming shocked to see me standing there. She looked physically ill. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Grace quickly dismissed. “Just… I had to use the bathroom.” I left it alone, not wanting to discuss the Singapore position just yet. Besides, it was easy to put it in the backburner when I noticed just how pale Grace was looking.
“Seriously, are you feeling okay? You’re super pale.” Before I was able to put my hand on her forehead, she slapped it away, growing annoyed with me.
“I said I was fine!” she spat back. I scrunched my brows together, upset that Grace was taking this route once again; the route where she’ll hide how she feels instead of swallowing her pride and ask for help. The last time Grace was this secretive about something was all those years ago, around the time she was struggling with her body taking on the dancer’s routine as an adult. I couldn’t help myself; I needed to know if this was more than just Grace having a bad day, or if it was a coincidence that she ran to the bathroom right after she began eating her food.
“You’re not throwing up your food again, right?” I bluntly asked.
“What?”
“Ya,” I was growing angry. It was beginning to feel like the first time all over again. “Don’t lie to me, Grace. Are you eating and throwing it up in the bathroom?”
“Are you being fucking serious right now, Jamie?”
“Answer the question.” I looked down at Grace, trying to not completely flip out on her.
“No.”
“You’re telling me the truth?”
“Fuck you, Jamie!” she spat out loud, tears clearly forming in her eyes. “How dare you ask me if I’m lying about something like that!”
“What the fuck am I suppose to think?! You barely ate your food, and when I told you to eat a couple of bites of the fish, you go running to the bathroom. This is exactly how it was a couple of years ago–“
“Fuck you for comparing me to a version of myself that was young, naive, and broken,” Grace yelled out. Broken. I totally forgot that was around the time that I had left overseas to go back home after–
Then, it happened. I squeezed by eyes shut, feeling puke on top of my dress shoes. The tables nearest to us fled the scene, and all that was there was just me and her, standing in the middle of the ballroom arguing about things we promised we’d never argue about.
…
I opened the apartment door with a shopping bag in my hand with all of the essentials to help Grace feel better. I dropped the keys in the usual bowl near the door, and looked around the empty living room with grace nowhere inn sight.
“Jagiya?” I called out, wondering where she could’ve went. Maybe she went to sleep after her shower. Maybe she’s just lying down and getting some rest now. In the midst of all the thoughts roaming through my mind, I placed the shopping bag on top of the small kitchen table, hearing something drop to the ground. I look down and mindlessly picking it up, not realizing that what I was looking at answered all of the questions I had for Grace earlier tonight.
I looked at the white stick with the word ‘pregnant’ written across the tiny screen.
I immediately knew where Grace was. I slowly pulled the curtain from the living room window, seeing Grace sit on the fire escape with a ginger ale in her hand. She didn’t turn her head to look at me. It’s like she said all she needed to say leaving that on the table.
“Grace,” I gently said, skipping the pet names and sweet nothings I usually call her by. “I’m sorry for acting the way I did tonight—”Before I could say anything else, she begins to indirectly talk at me.
“I found out in Italy,” she began to explain. “I knew something felt off while I was there. I just didn’t think this would be it of all things.” She finally turned her head toward me, looking at me with concern in her eyes. “I was horrified; being in a foreign country not knowing what to do.” I began climbing out the window and onto the fire escape, next to Grace.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I was scared to.” Those were some of the most heartbreaking words to hear from Grace. I looked at her, not knowing whether to be mad or sad at Grace. I was mad she felt the need to hide something like this until she couldn’t anymore, knowing what she knew. I was sad because we worked so hard to trust each other enough to have these discussions. It feels like we’ve taken almost a year’s worth of progress and threw it out when things got serious. I was sad she didn’t think of this as something exciting to share with me.
“Scared of what?” I pleaded, wanting nothing more than to understand her. She took a moment to think, as she was trying to search for the answers in my eyes. What are you so scared of?
“History repeating itself,” she began to say. “Having this happen and you end up having to leave again.”
“Aigoo,” I reacted, shifting my body to face Grace. “You are not giving us enough credit, and I don’t like that.”
“Credit?” She spat back. “What credit?”
“That we are now completely different people with better heads on our shoulders. Grace, you can’t cut our future short not knowing how amazing things can go.” She looked at me perplexed. Her thoughts were transparent on her head at that point. “Mr. Carter offered me the managerial position for the new International Division in Singapore.”
“Singapore?” Grace asked, worry in her voice. I nodded my head slowly before sighing.
“It was once a dream of mine to be recognized on that level as a lawyer; in that brief moment I thought I was finally getting what I worked so hard for this past year.” I could see Grace about to freak out at any moment, which meant I needed to explain myself quicker. “I declined the offer.”
“What? Jamie, that position is a big deal,” Grace debated. “For them to see your full potential in just a year is such a big deal—”
“That wasn’t a part of my 5-year plan for the future,” I admitted. “I wouldn’t have left my firm in Korea to come back to New York if that position was something I wanted for my future.” I pulled out the white stick from my pocket, holding it in my hand. “You are my future, Grace.” She didn’t say anything after that. She simply looked down at the palm of her hands to see the pregnancy test facing upwards with the tiny screen showing.
“Am I really?”
“That isn’t even in question,” I scoffed. “Let me remind you that I came back to be with you. Getting the job at this firm was just a nice add-on.”
“But this is your career we’re talking about,” Grace continued to debate with me. “I can’t let you settle for–“
“Settle?” I said as I chuckled briefly. “How can I settle if I already have everything I ever wanted for me?” I smiled at Grace, hoping she was able to see the picture as clear as I was. “There’s nothing to be scared of this time, Grace. I’m here. You got me.” I continued to smile at Grace, unable to keep my emotions at bay. She looked back down at the test, smiling at it. I couldn’t help but feel even happier for Grace in this moment. This is our time, jagiya.
She looked up at me and smiled softly. “I should’ve told you sooner. I was just afraid this wouldn’t be something you wanted.”
“Jinja? Really?” I asked, truly shocked. When Grace didn’t answer, it was my confirmation that she truly believed what she thought. “I know it must’ve been hard to bring up, especially since our history said otherwise. But, it’s called our history for a reason. It’s the reason why we get to try to build our future again, because that never changed. I’ve always wanted you to be the person I build it with.”
To my surprise, Grace kisses my lips softly, cupping my jawline with her hand. My body went warm; getting that giddy feeling knowing that Grace wanted the same things I did for us, and that in this timeline; we were finally ready to build on it.
“We’re having a baby,” Grace whispered to me, smiling as she did. I couldn’t help but smile even bigger, seeing Grace excited for this chapter of our lives.
“We are, jagiya,” I answered, kissing her forehead softly, looking out toward the city on our fire escape.
Letters From Liz. 