Returning back to work had been the hardest part in this newfound journey of raising Maki. For months, I tiredly go into her room when she cried in the middle of the night to help ease her and didn’t have to worry about needing to get up for work in the morning.
The day finally came when I was now called to go back to work, starting a new semester at the university I taught part-time at, in addition to still being at the firm.
Grace straightened out my tie in the bedroom, making sure every piece of clothing was in perfect place, smiling as she reached for my glasses and placed them on me.
“Gosh, I forgot how you look like in business attire,” Grace smiled as she teased me. I rolled my eyes playfully, kissing her on the forehead.
“Maki has me embracing dad-wear,” I responded.
“Dad wear?”
“T-shirts and khaki shorts,” I answered. “Anything that Maki can make a mess on and I don’t care much for.”
“Oh, that’s a must,” Grace agreed, walking back to the closet and browsed the many blazers I had in there. “Speaking of Maki; remember that we have–“
“Her doctor’s appointment at 1; I know,” I finished her sentence. Grace has got into this habit of reminding me of things that solely involved Maki. I will admit that there have been things that slipped my memory, but it feels like since then, Grace has given me “friendly reminders” of only Maki-related things.
Grace let out a deep, nervous breath. “I’m nervous for her.”
“Mwo? She’s going to be just fine,” I continued to reassure her, something I found myself doing a lot more these days. Of course as soon as I said that, Maki can be heard in the other room crying. “I’ll go–“
“No, I got her!” Grace quickly jumped up and ran out of our bedroom. I turned around and leaned on the doorframe, watching Grace pick up Maki from her rocker.
“Maki girl,” Grace cooed at her, slightly bouncing her in her arms. “Mama’s here.” I watched Grace completely become engulfed in Maki. At first, I saw it as a sweet gesture. After everything she’s been through in life, I was happy to see Grace do everything she promised herself she’d do. I could see the growth in her, but a part of me always worried about how far she’d take things. I love Grace, but I know just how much she is capable of doing.
Grace looked back at me with Maki in her arms. “Doesn’t your appa look handsome in his suit?” Maki cooed, which absolutely melted my heart. I couldn’t be upset at Grace for being so attached to our daughter; things could be extremely different knowing Grace. I smiled back at my girls, walking up to Grace as I kissed her.
“Call me if anything,” I said, looking down at her. I looked over at Maki, getting ready to pick her up from Grace. Immediately, I can feel Grace holding her tighter in her arms. I don’t say anything about it, but it annoyed me when she’d do that. It just made me feel like I wasn’t going to hold her properly, so she completely avoids handing her off.
“Maki-ya, be a good girl for eomma today,” I smiled as I said. Maki cooed in response. I slowly started walking towards the front door, dreading going back to work.
…
After writing on the chalkboard, I turned around to face the class; chalk covering the surface of both my hands.
“So those two court transcripts are to be read by next class,” I began to say as the bell rang. The students began to pack their things, and I spoke over them for important announcements. “You also have your proposals due in two weeks, so please make sure you are also actively working on them.” Many of the students walked out of the classroom, with a few of them slowly walking out with others. I placed my books back in my bag, feeling absolutely exhausted from the day already.
One student in the back begins to put his things in his bag while speaking on his cellphone. He was a younger man, most likely in his mid-20s considering the features on his face. I look up quickly before I turned around to clean the chalkboard.
“Babe, I have class later tonight… I can’t miss it again; I already missed the first meeting last week…I know, I know but,” the guy sighed looking at the screen before placing the phone back near his ear. “Angie, I can’t watch CeCe tonight, you knew this already–Ang…” I turned around and finally looked at the young man, leaning against the table he sat at during the lecture. “I’ll see what I can do.”
Before the student noticed me looking at him, I went ahead and gathered my stuff, waiting for him to leave the classroom to lock up. He didn’t seem to be moving from the desk.
“I’m sorry sir,” I begin to say to the student. He looked up at me, anxiously walking towards the front of the classroom. “I just have to lock up for the day–“
“Of course,” he finally said, holding the strap of his bookbag. “Professor Kim… I’m… going to have to withdraw from your class.”
“Is my class that bad?” I sarcastically said, trying to lighten up the mood. Clearly, he didn’t get it the sarcasm. I cleared my throat before I spoke again. “Is there a particular reason why?”
“I just… have a lot going on right now and would rather take this class when I can,” he simply said. I nodded my head, understanding where he was coming from. He smiled tightly as he walked away and out of the classroom. I hated that someone so young had to make such a decision like that. To know that your family is counting on you to be around all while trying to work on your academics and work towards your career. No one that young should have to sacrifice their education for–
The sound of my cellphone breaks my train of thought. I looked at the screen, noticing it was an alarm. “Aigoo, Maki’s appointment–” I grabbed my things and immediately raced out of the classroom.
…
It was later in the day when Grace and I got back to the apartment. Grace opened the front door as I carried Maki in the portable car seat.
“I’m glad everything worked out fine,” I said as I unbuckled Maki from the seat. Before I can even lift her up, she started crying. Grace immediately turned her head around, walking towards the both of us.
“Aww, Maki,” she said, taking Maki in her arms. “Mama’s here.” I watched her walk into Maki’s room without even acknowledging me standing there. I walked towards Maki’s room to see Grace rocking her in her arms, sitting on the rocking chair.
“Is she okay?” I asked. I knew she was okay, I just didn’t know what else to say to Grace.
Grace nodded her head. “She was just tired of having to sit in that seat all day.” She looked up and smiled at me. I couldn’t help but smile back. This is all that she ever wanted. “Oh, I need to talk to you about the academy-“
“Mwo? Is everything okay?” I asked once more, seeming a little worried.
“Yeah,” she answered, placing a sleepy Maki back into her crib. We quietly both left her room and took the conversation to the living room area. “I had gotten the permits to finally for the reconstruction of the space, but the day that they’re coming in to do the panels in the studio is the same day you have work.”
“Can your parents watch her?” I asked. Grace widened her eyes, looking at me I was some mad man. “What?”
“She can’t stay with them for an entire day, Jamie.”
“Why not?” Grace stared me down, seeming more annoyed with every question I had asked. All she did was sigh before pulling her hair back in a ponytail.
“I don’t want them to have her for the entire day–“
“Then how about Shawn and Skylar?”
“Even worse!” Grace shouted back. “Jamie, all I’m asking is that you watch her for the day while I take care of this.” I was now staring Grace down, now annoyed with this conversation.
“Jagiya, I work–“
“Your daughter is more important,” she spat back. Not only was I now annoyed, but I was getting angry. “Seriously, missing one day of work isn’t going to hurt.”
“I teach a 4-hour lecture once a week. If I miss one day of work, my students are missing one week of their work. I could watch Maki any other day besides that day; does the paneling have to happen on that specific day?”
“Yes, Jamie!” I could hear the anxiety travel in Grace’s tone. I know how much this meant to Grace; everything regarding the new space for the academy was finally getting into place, and I know Grace desperately wanted to get things done in hopes to be open by the Fall. But, what I didn’t appreciate was that she was telling me that Maki was more important than my career. Was I even talking to the same woman I met back at the cafe all those years ago?
“Then reschedule it, or pick a person to watch her while you’re at the academy,” I said firmly. Grace shook her head, getting up from the couch to walk away from me and this conversation. “Grace–“
“It’s fine; I’ll take her to the studio with me,” Grace dismissingly concluded.
“neo michyeosseo? Are you crazy?!” I shouted at her. Grace bit her inner lip, knowing that wasn’t happening. “I don’t see what’s the big issue with someone watching her for us—”
“Because she’s not ready to do that,” Grace argued back.
“No, you aren’t.” She looked at me; her eyes darted mine. “I’m sorry, but you needed to hear that—”
“I’m going to Sky’s,” Grace calmly said, walking away from me. I sighed, knowing that this conversation was now over.
“Grace—” I began to say as she started to walk towards Maki’s room. “Grace?” Grace is hovering over the crib, attempting to pick Maki up. “Ani-ya!” In an attempt to stop Grace from waking up Maki, I accidentally was the one that woke her.
Maki began to cry, and it was about time I took control of the situation. I was the one to pick her up from the crib, cradling her in my arms.
“Maki-ya, mianhae,” I calmly said, trying to ease the tension in the room. I know life with Grace wasn’t going to always be good times. Loving Grace meant I rode every wave she created, but I refuse to let Maki see her parents arguing with each other. I could tell Grace didn’t want that either. She’s actually letting me settle Maki.
Maki began to calm down; her face moist from her tears. I took my thumb and wiped away her tears. The first of many tears to come. I smiled down at her as she looked up at me.
“My girl,” I said in a low voice. I turned around and saw Grace still standing there, looking at me. I sighed and sat in the rocking chair with Maki still cooing in my arms.
Grace sighed as she sat across from me on the ottoman. Her eyes were glued onto our daughter. “I’m sorry,” she finally said. “I never want Maki to see us fight.”
“I know, jagiya,” I calmly said. I looked at Grace and I can tell her mind was racing with infinite thoughts. “I’m sorry too. It should never get to Maki—”
“I’ve just been on edge,” Grace began to explain. I listened, giving her my undivided attention. “I’ve just been trying to juggle everything on top of taking care of Maki.”
“You don’t have to do it alone though,” I reassured her. Grace didn’t seem convinced, and I understand why. I understand her way of thinking is very black-and-white. I understand that her past has her nervous system on high-alert this time around. I understand how one night she was with Willow, and the next she wasn’t. “We don’t have to do it alone.” For once, I felt like I was finally getting control of the situation. I felt like I was not only being Grace’s partner, but Maki’s fath–
“Oh!” Grace reached out for Maki once she started crying out for her. Maki’s arms were reaching for Grace, wanting to be held by her mother. Grace placed Maki in her arms, rocking her as she calmed down. Just when I thought I was finally getting over this hill with Maki.
Grace looked up at me, and I instantly fixed my face. I didn’t want her visibly see me upset that Maki couldn’t stay with me for more than 5 minutes. I immediately smiled, just happy that Grace and I aren’t fighting in front of her.
“We can have my dad watch her,” Grace finally compromised, looking down at Maki cooing. “I guess his retirement consists of having tons of time with Maki.”
I smiled at her comment. “You know he wouldn’t mind.”
The rest of night was spent with Grace and I sitting at our kitchen table, checking things off our various to-do lists. Grace wore her hair up in an bun, which would flop forward every time she looked down at the table and wrote. One pile of her papers were strictly just studio-related things. Tons of permits and stamps on numerous of papers, all while next to the pile of wedding-related things we have yet to do. I looked at Grace as she worked, admiring how she’s able to handle all of this on top of Maki.
There are some days that juggling everything feels impossible. Some nights it feels like my head can’t keep up with the numerous things that have to get done, all while still being there for Grace and Maki. To some extent, I felt like I was failing them both, and that guilt sometimes would keep me up late at night, wondering if I was even cut out to manage everything that’s been thrown at me.
“Jamie?” Grace said, looking at me. “Everything alright?”
I looked at her and smiled. I didn’t know what else to do or say without saying the absolute truth. “No, actually. I constantly feel like I am failing my family because everything is beginning to feel overwhelming. I feel like I am drowning sometimes. I feel–
“Of course, jagiya,” I said with a smile on my face. She smiled back before she continued with what she was working on. Aigoo.
Letters From Liz. 