First and foremost, welcome. We hope that you have a great time while you’re here.
I know you’ve met 30 and 31 before, and their youngest, 29. The trio lives as the start of some of our best years. Who would’ve known? We thought all this time that our 20s was where it has happening, but not for us. In a way, our 30s feel like what our 20s should’ve been like. Is it bad to say that we were more serious in our 20s than now? Crazy, right?
But, these are our best years because it finally feels like we are content with life. Not settled, but truly content. In the last three years, we’ve build up our professional career. In the last three years, we’ve created traditions that are uniquely our own. In the last three years we’ve become stronger than what we ever thought being strong was back then. It was a lot to endure to get here, but you are not the end of our story. You are a part of our beginning.
While you aren’t a symbolic year, you are the year that leads up to one. The beauty about being the youngest one around is that you get to see how other people navigate these important journeys in their life. Your partner, for example, is in their 33rd year. The 33rd year, or the Christ year, is the year that you come face to face with the consequences for the actions of your younger self, shedding the old, young adulthood mindset to completely be immersed in adulthood. In a sense, it’s the true beginning of your adulthood. We’ve witnessed that throughout the entire year, taking note that it will happen to us too—
But, we can discuss that next year when we get there.
For now, let’s continue to walk along the path that we were destined to go down. Let us continue to learn and grow, challenge and take action, live and laugh (and love, haha) what the path has in store for us. 32 may look a lot like our 31st; maybe it will be completely different. Who the hell knows? What we do know though I that through it all, we will continue to stay true to ourselves, even when we feel like we have to change something.
Oh! By the way, 31 decided that they wanted to do some digging and soul searching and came back with a gift: learning what OCD looks like on us. Yes, I know our 24th year is looking at us like “isn’t major depression and social anxiety enough to juggle?!” To which 31 responded with, “nope, you’re suppose to juggle three things at a time.”
The point of it all is that we are learning in our adulthood that we need to be more vocal about the things that seem off, or feel out of place. If you find yourself struggling without any real explanation, it could be something that you are internally keeping in. Talk about it, because you never know that the answer to your unsolvable questions are in the details you share out loud.
I know this may seem like a lot to take in on top of all of the new things you will expose to us being 32, but believe me when I say this: it’s all going to be worth it. Every year, we will come back to celebrate the new year to come, reflecting back on all of the things that we did and where we expect to be in the next one. So be excited, 32! You are coming at a time where life is good, and we are in a good place in it. You are also in a place where you are stronger, wiser, more mature, but still balance your youth.
So, cheers to you, 32! We’re excited to have you join us.
American families looked too perfect when they were depicted in movies and TV shows. Growing up, they were fascinating to watch because it was so different, and I wonder if that same curiosity about Korean culture carries over here in the states.
Grace was always very interested in learning about my family in Korea. She had mentioned that families outside of America seemed to be closer and more strict with their traditions; something she noted as being the complete opposite of her family. Grace grew up as an only child, and was raised by one parent; her father. Her mother left when she was just a baby, and Grace has expressed just how difficult it was growing up without her mother guiding her through it. She thinks it’s the reason why she is now 32 and not married, still living in a small apartment meant for single, young adults. I remind her that if things didn’t happen the way they did, we would’ve never met each other, and at this point I don’t remember a life where Grace wasn’t a part of.
“Jamie,” I heard Grace calling me from the bathroom. I shut my eyes for a brief moment, knowing that today was going to be one of those days that Grace wasn’t feeling good.
I walked to the bathroom to find her sitting on the bathroom floor in her bathrobe. She leaned her head back on the tile, looking up at my direction. “Jagiya,” I said as I sat next to her on the floor. I grabbed the towel from the hanging rack, wiping the sweat on Grace’s face. “Are you okay?”
“I feel like shit,” Grace bluntly said. “How the hell am I going to make it to the family reunion?”
“You’re not feeling good,” I began to say. “Surely, they’ll understand.”
“I can’t be locked up in this bathroom forever, Jamie.”
“Not forever; just for another couple of months,” I said, trying to ease the intension. Grace was not having it.
“I’m serious,” Grace pleaded. “This is important to me.” I listened to Grace, placing my hand on top of hers and rubbed her knuckles. I found out how much that simple gesture calms Grace down. “I feel like I can finally connect with my mother’s side of the family.” I knew how important this was to Grace, especially in this time where she is working on introducing her growing family to them.
“Let’s first get you off the bathroom floor,” I said, getting up. Grace put her hands up for me to grab them as she slowly got off from the ground. She held her lower back as she winced in pain. I held her hand and slowly guided her outside of the bathroom, and eventually sat her down on the couch. I ran into the bedroom, watching Grace’s head follow my every move.
“Babe, what are you—”
I walked back out with a bunch of hangers, placing them on the chair next to me. I smiled at Grace as she looked at me. She sat with her hands folded on top of her belly. “Jamie.”
“Here we have some favorites from the misses closet,” I began to say, picking up a top and a bottom to show Grace. She shakes her head no, which prompts me to the next outfit. “A beautiful piece that Sky got you?” Grace deadpanned, which I knew was an immediate no. “Okay… how about…” I look through a couple of more options until I see a black turtleneck with a red dress. I held them up to show Grace, hoping she’ll like this duo. She took a while to think about it, but ultimately nodded her head yes. I smiled, putting the outfit on top of the couch.
“You’re going to look so beautiful,” I shouted from the bedroom, placing Grace’s clothes back in her closet. To my surprise, I turned around and she was standing right behind me, smiling.
“Thank you for helping me,” Grace gently said as she wrapped her arms around me. I wrapped mine around her body, feeling agi press against my abdomen. “I don’t know how you put up with me; seriously.”
“I do it because I love you, silly,” I said, kissing the top of her head; her red, curly hair pointing in every direction. “And I know this pregnancy has been extra hard on you.”
“I don’t know what it is,” Grace said as she let go of me, stretching her back. “I don’t remember my pregnancy with Willow being as cruel as this one. By month 5, I was still working on my intern law case.” I couldn’t help but kneel down in front of Grace’s belly, talking directly at it.
“Ya, agi,” I pointed my finger at her belly. “Giving eomma a hard time was not in the leasing agreement.” Grace smiled, shaking her head as I looked up at her. “If you’re good tonight, you get anything that eomma is craving.” Grace gently slaps me on my shoulder as I get up from the ground, kissing her on the forehead. “Let’s start getting you ready for this reunion.”
…
I pinned Grace’s name tag on her dress shortly after pinning mine on my sweater. We looked around the party hall, not realizing just how huge Grace’s family was on her mother’s side. Sisters had kids and those kids had their own kids; it’s truly something Grace and I were not used when we’ve only ever had dinner at the Ashmore’s house.
“You want to find our seats?” I whispered close to Grace’s ear. She nodded her head, and we began to walk around the party trying to find our assigned table. This was a lot fancier than the idea I had in mind when Grace mentioned a family reunion. Family reunions of mine included everyone over someone’s house, cooking for hours on end and eating when everyone finally got to the gathering. We also included all of the children; this family reunion specifically said on the invitation that this was a kid-free event. Grace didn’t even seemed phased on the extravagance of this place.
We finally found our table, which had a bunch of other people around our age. Grace immediately recognized two people, in which they looked really familiar.
“Em! Cami!” Grace excitedly said as she went to hug the two. It made me smile seeing Grace get so happy. “It’s been too long!”
“Way too long,” Cami smiled as she said, looking down at Grace’s belly. “When did this happen?!” Aigoo, I remember how blunt Emerson’s wife was. Grace laughed it off, rubbing the top of her belly with her hand. Cami looks at me now as if the lightbulb goes off in her head. “Oh! I remember you!”
“Nice to see you two again,” I greeted, placing my hand on top of Grace’s shoulder. The couple sit at their seats, which prompted me to take the chair out for Grace to sit down. Cami looks over at Emerson, hitting him on his shoulder.
“You couldn’t pull out my chair?”
“Why? You’re already sitting on it!” Emerson debated. “Plus, Grace is pregnant; I pulled out your chair many times when you were carrying Susie and Carmen.”
“Chivalry is dead,” Cami commented as she rolled her eyes. Grace laughed, clearly amused with the couple’s banter.
“How are the girls anyway? We have to set a day we could see them.” I looked at Grace, proud of her for trying to become closer to this side of her family. The Grace I first got to know would’ve avoided these scenarios with a 10 foot pole.
“They’re doing good! Scotty and Liv are watching them tonight for us.”
“Susie just started pre-school and Carmen just turned 2,” Emerson added, scrolling through pictures on his phone before handing it over to Grace. Grace reacted immediately in awe, looking at the photo of two girls in Halloween costumes.
“Stop, they are the cutest!” Grace cooed, observing the picture. “Susie looks like your twin, Em.”
“And Carmen has her mama’s personality,” Emerson said as he looked at Cami. She rolled her eyes but didn’t deny it. “How’s our little dancing queen, Willow?”
“Getting older too fast,” Grace commented. “She’s away with her dance academy for Starbound in Beacon.”
“How old is she now? I can never keep up,” Cami asked. I was the one to take out my phone, showing the couple a picture of Willow.
“She’s turning 7 in April,” I answered. “She’s also on the honor roll in her 1st grade class.” Grace smiles big, as she always does when talking about Little Bean, Willow Bean, as she demanded I start calling her instead.
“For fuck’s sake, where did the time go?” Cami reacted, looking at the photo on my phone. “She was just a baby!”
“Don’t get me started,” Grace said, visibly trying to fight back hormonal tears. I kissed Grace on the temple of her head for support. Cami smiles, witnessing the gesture.
“How far along are you, Grace?” Cami asked. “If you need any baby clothes, we have a ton of things from the girls that we couldn’t use; especially Carmen weighting in at nearly 9 pounds at birth.” Aigoo, a 9 pound newborn baby?!
“A little over 5 months,” Grace answered, placing her hand on top of her stomach. “The longest 5 months ever. Did you find your second pregnancy to be absolutely brutal?”
“Definitely,” Cami said as she sipped her drink. “Carmen was a big ass baby; I had to wear a sling around my stomach by month 7 because the pain in my lower back was unbearable.” Grace eyes widen, clearly in shock. Ya, please don’t be scaring her now. “How are you holding up though? Do you guys know what you’re having?”
“Not yet,” I answered, sipping my glass of water to clear my throat. “We have our next check up next weekend, actually.” This next appointment was one of the big ones, and I wasn’t sure if we were both ready to go to it. Surely, the very first visit I nearly had to hold Grace’s head up from the toilet bowl prior to leaving, as she was literally sick to her stomach from both nerves and agi. The second big appointment, the one where we got to hear agi’s heartbeat I nearly passed out in my seat. I could only hope that this one, we are both ready to see and feel just how real all of this is becoming.
“And how are you feeling about all of this, dad?” Cami asked. I felt my face immediately get hot hearing the word “dad”. I guess I really haven’t had the time to—
“Gracie!” I hear another woman’s voice call out. I turn around and see an older couple walk toward our table. Grace gets up from her seat and hugs the woman.
“Aunt Sophie,” Grace happily greeted the woman. “Hi, Uncle Milo,” she hugs the man afterwards. I get up from my seat out of politeness, taking this being both her aunt and uncle. “Aunt Sophie, Uncle Milo; this is my boyfriend, Jamie.”
“Nice to meet you,” I shook the mans hand and bowed to the woman. She bowed back as she greeted me. This must be Grace’s cousin, Summer’s parents.
“Summer mentioned you were dating a man from Korea,” Sophie commented. She looked at me and says hi to me in Korean in a much more formal way.
“We’re glad you could make it. Your mom was worried you wouldn’t be well enough to attend, which is completely understandable,” her uncle mentioned.
“I couldn’t miss this,” Grace replied back. “Considering the last reunion I was still in Ulsan for the production.”
“Are you still doing elite dance?” Sophie asked. I shut my eyes for a moment, knowing exactly where this was going to go.
“No, I… uhm, retired from elite dance,” Grace answered, keeping a smile on her face. “I run Aunt Jennifer’s studio in Brooklyn now. Of course, with some help currently.”
“It’s nice that you kept the family business going,” Milo responded. “I would hate the place to go down after generations of both Castros and Kamalanis dancing there.” I looked over at Grace, seeming to be uncomfortable in her place.
“Jagiya, let’s go and get something to eat,” I said, kissing the side of her head. Grace looked at me and smiled before looking back at her aunt and uncle.
“We’ll see you around tonight,” Grace politely said before walking away. She squeezed my hand tight, which means she needs a moment to step out.
I walk with her toward the exit of the ballroom and toward the front of the venue. Once we’re outside, she lets go of my hand and crosses her arms along her chest.
“I prepared for every possible scenario tonight besides that one,” Grace openly admitted.
“Mwo?” I questioned, not knowing what she was referring to.
“The elite dance question,” Grace said. “The last time all these people probably saw me was through the livestream of the dance production two years ago.”
“It’s a genuine question if that was the last time they saw you,” I responded back, trying to understand what made Grace react this way.
“Yeah, but it sucks to tell them I did all of that for me to just come back to New York and do what I was doing before.” I looked at Grace with a concerned expression on my face. I knew coming back to New York meant I was going to come face-to-face with Grace’s inner self-doubt and judgement. No matter how good life could be for the both of us, she still dealt with beliefs that were hard to debunk.
“You did a job, that job ended, and you came back from doing that job,” I tried to reason with Grace’s logic. “Everyone does that with a job.”
“My mom didn’t,” Grace debated. “She did all these amazing things after she did the production and—”
“You’re not your mother, Grace,” I said sternly. “You are allowed to have a different story—”
“But how does it look being Mollie Sue Castro’s only daughter who so happened to do a dance production and then not continue to be in that industry? These people only see me as her daughter—”
“That chose to do things differently,” I said, correcting where this conversation was going. “You were a lawyer and a young mother at the same time. You were a dancer and a mother that checked in on her daughter every chance she had. You did something that your mom didn’t do.” I disliked the fact that I had to have this conversation with Grace whenever her family were around. I felt like every step she took toward seeing her life as her own, she is pulled back by the question. Some days, it was harder to get her back to where she was; tonight feels like one of those nights.
“But she’s still a huge part of my family. Even after all that time away from her family, she still accomplished something major and came back to her family. She came back for my dad, she came back for her sisters and mom, she came back for me.”
“But you were Willow’s mom throughout all of her life, Grace,” I said, trying to further reason with her. “She never had to grow up wondering if her mom cared about her. She grew up still being able to call you her mom.” I can see the tears form in Grace’s eyes, and I feel horrible it was because of something I said. She immediately looked down at the ground, trying to hide her face. “Aigoo, Jagiya.”
“I’m fine,” Grace said as her voice cracked, still looking down. I get closer to her, lifting her head with my hand on her chin. Her face is definitely wet from tears.
“Grace,” I said, looking directly at her now. “It may feel like you have to live in your mom’s shadow, but you don’t have to. You don’t need to. You’ve made it this far in your life doing things the best way for you.” I wiped her tears with my thumbs as she let out a deep breath. She finally feels a lot lighter now. “Do you want to head on back inside, or has agi told you it’s past eomma’s bedtime?” Grace giggles as she gathers herself together.
“No. I promised myself I would do this tonight,” she answered. I smiled back at her and turned towards the front door of the venue.
“Mollie!” I hear my mom yell out my name from downstairs. “You’re gonna be late for your first day!”
“Coming!” I said, putting the last elastic in my thick, curly hair. I should’ve listened to my mom when she said to wash it last night, but I was too lazy to get out of bed and do it. Who the hell am I impressing in that lame ass school anyway?
I walked downstairs and see my mom and Alex sitting in the kitchen, unreasonably close to one another. It was clear as day that he was feeding my mother in a romantic way, and possibly stopped once they realized I was still in the house. Their love gives me the ick, and seeing them in love like made me feel sad that I haven’t had that experience yet. Even I felt that what Milo and Sophie had was true love, but I guess our generation is just fucked.
“You’re ready for junior year?” my mom asked, getting up from her seat to hand me my lunch for the day. I sighed, shrugging my shoulders.
“Just another day of school I wish I didn’t have,” I said, straightening the straps of my bookbag.
“Junior year is a big year,” Alex commented. “It’s the year that colleges look at the most, then you can slack off senior year.”
“Alex,” my mom scolded him. “What he means is that if you’re looking to get into Juilliard, you have to make sure both your grades and craft are good.”
“I know,” I said dismissively, texting Milo on my phone.
“And you’re going to have to decide which craft you’d like to study in college–” Ugh. The amount of times I’ve had this conversation with my mom about this.
“Yeah, yeah,” I said, looking up and walking towards the front door. “Milo’s here; I’ll see you later!”
…
The last time Milo and I walked to Waverly together, it was freshman year. It feels weird that after all this time, we are back to the place where we started off; just two friends going to school, unknowingly walking into another year of this shitshow.
“I’m already thinking about the pizza I’m getting after school today,” I said, looking into my lunch bag to see my mom’s gourmet lunch. I hand it over to Milo, knowing he’ll eat it without any issue.
“I don’t know why you dislike your mom’s lunches,” Milo wondered. “I could eat your mom’s food all day.”
“Sometimes you just want a simple slice of pizza, and not a whole 5-star meal for lunch,” I said, rolling my eyes. The thing about my mom was that she always had a ton of things on her mind, on top of the fact that her daughter nearly stayed home for the entirety of the summer after her break-up. She always believed the way to cure a broken heart was food; I found my outlet at the studio, dancing when no one was around.
“Well keep pretending to eat them so that your mom keeps making them,” Milo said. I smiled at him, not realizing how much I missed mornings like this. We got closer to the school, seeing all the familiar faces that we left just 2 months ago. Almost all of them.
We walked to the schoolyard, looking to see who was actually hanging out there before the school bell rang to start the day. In the crowd of people, I notice someone I wasn’t actually looking for; I see Sophie. I didn’t have any beef with Sophie, as I truly did believe that she and Milo actually did love each other. I understand what it was like to want different things than what you settled for. I understand wanting to be your own person, outside of the person that made you feel the most “whole”. I turned around to look at Milo, and unfortunately notices Sophie too.
“Come on, Mi,” I gently said, walking in the opposite direction from where Sophie was. He follows me in the crowd of other classmates until I hear a girl’s voice call out my name. I turned around, seeing Ronnie wave her hand in the air. Milo and I walk towards her, grateful that someone was here to distract us from the bad memories of Waverly.
Ronnie hugged me tightly, which made me feel much better about the day already. Ronnie made sure to keep me company as much as possible over the summer when Aaron and I broke up. It was a nice distraction, going to the pool and the beach most of the summer and having well-needed girl talks.
“I know I just saw you the other day, but it feels so good to see you in school!” Ronnie said as she let me go from the hug. She looks at Milo and gives him a pound. “Hi, Milo.”
“Dude it’s okay,” I reassured Ronnie, knowing where her mind was at. “Milo and I are friends again.”
“Good,” Ronnie said as she pointed at Milo. “You hurt our best friend again, I hurt you; got it?”
“Got it,” Milo answered nervously. I laughed, shaking my head. It wasn’t long after that Davy and Jonah found us, greeting us once they got closer.
“Hey, peeps!” Davy said, hi-fiving the gang. “The gang is back together again!”
“Dude, you act like we all didn’t hang out over the summer,” Jonah mentioned. It was true though; the five of us would hang out over the summer all day until our curfews. I didn’t realize just how cool the guys were; Davy was this skinny white boy that acts like he grew up in one of the hoods in Brooklyn, and Jonah was my cousin from my mom’s side so he’s always been around; it just so happened that Jonah was more Milo and Davy’s friend, whereas Ronnie was mine. Now, I guess you can say we’re “a gang”.
“And have the same major class together,” I added. “So unfair that all of you are in band.”
“Yeah, but you’re the best vocalist in our grade,” Milo added. “I think that out beats all of us.” I smile at Milo,, appreciating his reassurance in this moment. He knows just how hard I’ve been on myself since the break-up. Yes, I was the vocalist in Aaron’s band, but the band’s manager felt like I didn’t fit the image he had for them. it made me wonder just how good of a vocalist I truly was if I wasn’t considered to open for an upcoming band in the industry.
Before I could say anything, the bell finally ran, which means it was time to officially start the “second-to-last” first day of school. At this point, I was a pro at first days at Waverly: go to your classes, introduce yourself and what major you are, listen to the teacher as they spoke about what the class was about, and then do it all over again until it was 8th period.
Or at least, that’s what most first days at Waverly were like.
…
The late bell rings, and in true Mollie fashion, I run down the hall to make it to my fourth period class. Whoever decided to make my third period and fourth period class across the school have a vendetta against me or something.
Before I see the teacher close the door to begin class, I made it, holding the door open so that I can enter it. I knew exactly who this teacher was, and I was sick to my stomach to have him as my U.S. History teacher.
“Ms. Castro,” Mr. Abrams said. “I should’ve expected to see you running to my class, as you’ve always chose running as your way to get to them on time.” I smiled, feeling a little embarrassed to have my teacher on the first day know me for being late to classes. “Take a seat.”
I walked into the classroom and noticed a lot of familiar faces from our grade. I immediately noticed Sophie of all people, sitting near the front of the class. I looked away noticing an empty seat in the middle. I sit down and take my notebook out; not to actually write in it, but to just look like I’m paying attention. Again, mastering the art of first days.
“Good morning, everyone; I’m Mr. Abrams, your U.S. History teacher for the year.” He started to write his name on the board and handed out the syllabus for the class. “This year we will be prepping you all for the U.S History regents, as they are crucial to determine where you’ll be placed by the time you go to college.” Blah, blah, blah. “Of course, we will formally introduce ourselves, as we will be actively working in groups for various projects this school year.” He walk towards the left side of the room, beginning to have everyone stand up and introduce themselves. I couldn’t help but notice how many of the students in this class are dance majors. I wonder if this was the only class available for them to take; maybe their major class falls in the same period as the other U.S. History class.
As one student sat down, another one stood up; this time, I was Sophie. “Uhm, Hi. My name is Sophie, and I am a band major.”
“Nice to meet you, Sophie. What are some of your favorite things to do?” Mr. Abrams asked. Sophie looked uncomfortable, as if she didn’t know how to answer his question. She doesn’t know how to answer his question.
“I’m… really passionate about music,” she says shyly. “I spend most of my time practicing my violin, preparing pieces for programs and auditions.” Mr. Abrams nodded his head and prompted Sophie to sit down.
“You sir,” he began to say. “I don’t believe I know you from the hallway. Are you new to Waverly?” I turned my head and looked at the kid Mr. Abrams was talking about. He had dirty blonde hair with a slight wave to it; parted to the side so it looked unkempt. Definitely a new kid. The guy stands up from his seat and clears his throat.
“My name is Weston, I’m a junior, and I’m, uh, a vocal major,” he started to say. “This is my first year at Waverly High.” He looked shy, nodding his head as he finished his introduction.
“Where’d you come from?” Mr. Abrams asked.
“Oh; uhm, I lived in San Francisco.” the guy answered. Mr. Abrams nodded his head.
“Nice to meet you, Weston,” Mr. Abrams said. A couple of more students introduce themselves after the new kid, and it was now finally my turn. Mr. Abrams looked at me, nearly laughing before he spoke.
“Hi, I’m Mollie. I’m a junior and in the vocal program.”
“Nice to meet you, Mollie. What’s one interesting fact you’d like for us to know about you?” Mr. Abrams asked.
“I don’t know…” I said, trying to come up with something. “I like to sing, I guess.”
“Good enough,” Mr. Abrams said, moving onto the next student.
…
“I just don’t get it,” I started to complain to Milo as we walked to the pizza parlor. “Your dad is crazy already giving us music to rehearse.”
“You’ve said this every first day of school, Mol,” Milo mentioned.
“Well, he needs to realize that no one is coming to school on the first day to learn new music,” I complained. “Anyway, you wanna know who’s in my U.S. History class?” Milo looked at me, already knowing who I was going to say.
“Yeah? Was she with her new guy friend, Allen?” Milo spat out. Allen was one of Milo’s band mates; specifically in the same section as Sophie. Milo had an issue with Sophie spending most of her free time this past summer hanging out with the other members of the Juilliard Prospective Students program. One of them, was Allen. Milo doesn’t like to admit it, but one of the reasons why they broke up was because Milo didn’t trust Sophie being with Allen.
“He wasn’t there,” I began to say, looking over at Milo. “But Sophie was in my class.”
“Good for her,” Milo shrugged, dismissing the subject. I looked over at Milo, trying to get him to talk more about it. He was usually an open book, but when it came to talking about Sophie, he was quite secretive. I wonder how much does that have to do with the fact that they both kept their relationship on the low.
We finally got to the pizza parlor and see Ronnie, Davy and Jonah were already at the booth. We slid into the booth and joined them for our usual after school pizza visit.
“Hello, dude and dudette,” Davy greeted us. “It’s about time you guys got here.”
“You don’t have the pleasure to have Mr. Kamalani as your teacher for 8th period,” I looked over at Milo, who rolls his eyes as his response. “Did you guys order yet?”
“Davy insisted we get the pie,” Jonah said. Davy shrugs his shoulders.
“Lunch was disgusting today,” Davy replied. “Pizza is the only remedy.” Jonah sighed, moving on from the subject.
“How was vocal?” Ronnie asked me. “Any cute boys in your class?” I gave Ronnie a look that only she knows the meaning behind. Ronnie has been on my case about checking out boys, especially after having a complete breakdown at her house one night over the summer. She swears that Aaron wasn’t the one, but something tells me as my girl best friend, she’s suppose to say that.
“Same boys as last year, Ron,” I deadpanned.
“How about you, Milo? Any new cute girls in our band class you’re interested in knowing?” Davy teased.
“Davy,” Ronnie intervened. “Chill out.”
“Thank you,” Milo said to Ronnie.
“Oh, but you’re asking me about cute boys?!” I said to Ronnie, crossing my arms along my chest.
“Maybe I’m asking for myself,” Ronnie teased. I know she wasn’t asking for herself.
…
Milo and I walked down my block, tired from the long day we had at school. Milo was quiet for most of the afternoon, which bothered me. I didn’t know how to talk to him about the breakup; we were both on different stages of them. I was past the initial grief, meaning I wasn’t crying as much as I did over the summer. Milo on the other hand seemed to still be caught up in thinking about Sophie, and being in the same major as her probably didn’t make things better.
“Hey, Milo?” I turned my head to him. He looked back at me.
“Yeah?”
“Is the reason you don’t want to talk about Sophie is because you don’t want me talking about Aaron?” He scrunched his eyebrows. Fuck, maybe I should’ve worded it better.
“I don’t want to talk about Sophie because there’s nothing to talk about,” he emphasized.
“She’s in your band class,” I mentioned. “And the guy that she’s been hanging out with–“
“Look, Mol; I don’t care if you want to vent about your ex-boyfriend with me. That’s what friends do for each other. But I’m telling you that I don’t want you to console me about my breakup with Sophie.”
After that day, I don’t mention Sophie ever again, in hopes that maybe one day, he’ll talk about it.
Danny and Nicki begin to set up the practice space for band, something the gang hasn’t done for a couple of weeks since school ended. Jennifer walks into the garage, holding three water bottles in her hands. The couple look at Jennifer, who has been uncharacteristically quiet.
Nicki: Pep?
Jennifer:*turns around* What?
Nicki doesn’t say anything back, not really knowing what to say. Jennifer rolls her eyes and turns back around, adjusting the mic stand. Nicki looks at Danny, who then clears his throat.
Danny: We just want to know that you’re doing okay.
Jennifer: *stoic* I’m fine.
Nicki: It’s okay to not be, Pep.
Jennifer turns around, annoyed at the conversation being had.
Jennifer: With all de respect Nic, you have absolutely no idea what I’ve been going through these last couple of weeks.
Nicki: Okay, but we both know one of those things has to do with Milo.
Jennifer:*annoyed* I don’t give a shit about whatever is going on with Milo–
Nicki: *defensive* I don’t know who you’re trying to fool, but clearly it’s bothering you.
Jennifer: If it was bothering me, this stupid practice wouldn’t be happening in my garage.
Before Nicki can respond, the side door to the garage opens. Milo walks in, noticing everyone looking directly at him. He sighs and walks to his position without saying anything. Nicki has had enough of the two, walking directly to the front to address them.
Nicki: We are not starting practice until we resolve this tension in the room.
Danny:*nervous* Nicki–
Nicki: No. I did not give up my Saturday to sit around and see you and Milo avoid each other for practice. I also did not work my ass of to get us this summer gig for you two to just avoid the obvious.
Jennifer: Like I said earlier, I don’t have any issues. We are rehearsing in my garage–
Nicki: After Nate said him and his family are going away on vacation.
Jennifer rolls her eyes and doesn’t say anything back.
Milo: No issue over here, just… dealing with a lot of things on my end–
Jennifer:*blows up* Yeah, and who’s fault is that?!
Milo:*annoyed* Was I talking to you?
Jennifer: You’re the reason why everything is fucked up in the first place!
Milo:*yells* I didn’t do anything to you!
Jennifer: You’re living a double life with some girl your best friend doesn’t even know!
Milo: You know who Gwen is though!
Jennifer:*yells even louder* You got her pregnant, Milo!
Nicki: *screams* Stop it!
Milo and Jennifer look away from each other, not making eye contact.
Nicki: Do we need to have a friend group intervention?
The two teens suck their teeth, whining at the suggestion.
Milo: That’s not going to fix anything this time.
Nicki: Why not?
Jennifer: Because this isn’t something we could fix in a conversation, Nic. At the end of the day, Milo has to live with the fact that he made possibly the stupidest decision ever in his life—
Milo:*to himself* Yeah, you would know…
Jennifer turns her head toward Milo, hearing what he said.
Jennifer: Excuse me?
Milo: You make stupid fucking decisions all of the time! And I’m always there to help you get out of them, Pep! The one time I fuck up, you’re nowhere to be found besides judging me for the same exact thing you did last year.
Jennifer doesn’t say anything after that; she’s actually quite speechless, unable to put her thoughts into words. Danny’s sigh is what breaks the silence.
Danny: Milo is right.
Jennifer: *shocked* What?
Danny: Instead of us bashing him for what happened, we should be grateful that he shared something as scary as that. We’re all gaining up on a person that is trying to keep everything together.
Milo looks just as shocked to see Danny sticking up for him.
Danny: I’m not saying your feelings are invalid, Pep; you have every right to feel the way that you do with this situation, but… you also wanted support from your friends when you went through what you went through.
Jennifer: Milo wasn’t left in the dark though. I feel like I was completely left in the dark when it came to Gwen. I don’t know anything about her besides the fact that all of you are in band class together. Where was that sit down together introducing me to your girlfriend?
Milo rubs the back of his neck, visibly uncomfortable.
Milo: Gwen isn’t my girlfriend.
The three teens looked at Milo, surprised.
Jennifer: You got some random girl pregnant?
Milo: She’s not some random girl, she’s… my friend.
Jennifer: A friend?
Milo: A close friend.
Jennifer: It must be some new thing to get your close friends pregnant, huh?
Milo:*defensive* It’s not like that, Pep.
Jennifer: Then explain it. The floor is all yours.
Milo looks at Danny and Nicki, who seemingly look like they are also waiting for him to explain. Milo sighs and gets up from where he was sitting, and walks to face the three teens.
Milo: I… I like Gwen. A lot. And… she likes me back.
Nicki cocks an eyebrow, taking in this new information. Jennifer isn’t amused.
Milo: We were just friends at first, I promise. We would rehearse and hang out whenever I didn’t have practice or when she didn’t have her after-school things to do. We got to know each other, and…
Jennifer: You fell for her?
Milo:*quickly* I didn’t fall for her, but I did start to like her.
Jennifer stares at Milo intensely as if she was interrogating him.
Jennifer: So one day, you guys confessed your likings to each other and then what? You guys took your clothes off and fucked?
Nicki: Pep.
Milo: No, it wasn’t like that—
Jennifer: And then to lose your virginity without protection for just someone that you liked–
Milo: Shit, happens! My god what am I suppose to say?!
Jennifer: I want you to tell us the truth! Do you love this girl?
Milo is taken back by the sudden question.
Milo: What?
Jennifer: Are you in love with Gwen?
Milo doesn’t answer right away. He doesn’t know how to answer the question. He looks over at Danny and Nicki, who patiently wait for his answer. He looks back at Jennifer as her arms are crossed along her chest and she has this look on her face. This… worried look. He can’t get himself to say it, or believe it at this point.
Milo: No.
The three teens are shocked by Milo’s answer.
Milo: We simply got carried away and now we have to face the consequences of our actions.
Before anything else can be said, the side door of the garage opens; in walks Jennifer’s mom, Lydia.
Lydia: Peppie, I need you to pick up Mars from Niko’s house in a few.
Jennifer: Why me?
Lydia:*rubs stomach* Your father and I have a doctor’s appointment at 2 and won’t be back in time to pick her up.
Jennifer rolls her eyes and sighs.
Jennifer: Yeah, whatever.
Lydia smiles and greets the other teens in the garage. Once she leaves, Jennifer starts packing up.
Jennifer: I guess we wasted another practice doing absolutely nothing…
Milo: Pep–
Milo looks up and sees Nicki visibly mad at him. She gathers her things with Danny right behind her. Nicki storms out of the garage. Danny follows her out.
Jennifer continues to put things away, not speaking to Milo. He stands there and sighs, beginning to help Jennifer clean up.
Jennifer: I don’t need your help.
Milo: I didn’t ask if you needed it.
Jennifer stops what she’s doing and looks back up at Milo. They are both dangerously close to one another, making Milo sweat a bit.
Milo: Can we talk? Just us two?
Jennifer: Why?
Milo: Because you’re my best friend, and I need to talk to my best friend about something that’s eating me alive.
Jennifer doesn’t say anything back right away. She sighs, putting the music stand down in its place.
“One regular slice and one pepperoni slice,” I said at the counter of the pizza parlor, looking behind at their fridge of drinks. “Can I also get two cans of Coke as well?” It was quick getting the pizza slices for both Danny and I, and it was nice to have someone come back to our stomping grounds in the pizza parlor after all these years.
“Thanks, man,” Danny said as I handed out his regular slice. I guess growing up means you don’t swoon over the meat lover’s special slice anymore. “Man, I love Nicki, but she’s literally been scarier than all of the villains in a scary movie!”
“She’s 5 months pregnant, bro,” I reminded him. “She’s just now realizing that her body is carrying another human being.” I looked at Danny, who immediately got white in the face. “Plus, she’s Nicki. She sucks under stress.”
“I just wish I knew how to help her,” Danny said, seemingly genuinely worried. “When I see her in pain, it just makes me feel bad that I did that to her.”
“Bro, she was there when it happened,” I mentioned, hoping to make Danny feel better about the situation. “Don’t listen to her when she says she hates you for making her go through this. She is not going to mean it.”
“I still can’t wrap my head around the thought that Nic and I are about to be parents,” Danny admitted, pulling his hair back in a stressed way. “When did it hit you that you were gonna be a father?” Ever since they announced to me that they were expecting, Danny had these nonstop questions about the process and my experience with pregnancy, forgetting that my experience was completely different than his.
“I can’t say, to be honest,” I said, taking a bite out of my slice. “I couldn’t really act like I was going to be a dad at the age of 15.” Danny rolled his eyes, knowing he’s heard this explanation a thousand times in the last 5 months.
“But you had to feel like one at some point,” he argued back.
“Yeah, when Gwen passed away and was left being the one to discharge Milo out of the hospital,” I recalled. The day Milo was born was a chaotic one, and totally unexpected. In the span of 12 days, my whole world had turned upside down.
“I don’t mean to bring back bad memories,” Danny apologized.
“The birth of my only son isn’t a bad memory, it’s just an experience that can’t connect with yours. You’re married to Nicki. You guys live together in a nice house, planning a baby shower to celebrate the birth of your first child. Gwen and I didn’t have that.”
“But you still went through the motions of being a man getting ready to bring a child into the world—”
“I was a kid having a kid,” I corrected. “But I understand the feelings you are going through. They’ll always be there when you’re about to become a father.” Danny nodded at me, sharing an agreement to one another. There’s a slight pause before Danny finishes his canned soda; the hollow noise hitting the tabletop.
“So, when are you gonna have another kid?” Danny said bluntly. “My kid needs a friend.”
“Bro, what?” I laughed as I asked.
“Milo is getting older, dude; when are you gonna have another kid?”
“How the hell am I suppose to know?” I scoffed. “I don’t even have the time to clean my apartment, yet alone go out on a date with a woman.”
“You’re not dating anyone yet?” Danny asked as if it was the most shocking discovery in the conversation. “Are you still not over Marielle?” I felt my body tense up hearing the name of my ex girlfriend.
Marielle and I were students at the same college, and one of my electives as a junior was something she was taken towards her major. She was studying to be an actress and was pursuing this once-in-a-lifetime experience at Oxford, all the way in London. She told me late last summer that she got accepted into the program at Oxford, and was going to live in London for the next two years. Knowing that long-distance wouldn’t have worked for us, we both agreed to call it quits.
“I haven’t spoken to Mari since she left for London,” I emphasized. “Why try to date when a.) the women our age aren’t looking to be with a man with a kid already, and b.) eventually it’s not going to work out?” It was true; dating as a single father was strange, considering I’ve been a single dad since I was a sophomore in high school. Surely, women dated me later in high school and in college, but the elephant in the room was always my son knocking on my bedroom door when I had a woman over. Clearly, they never wanted a second date with me.
“So, that’s it? Mari leaves for London and Pep leaves for North Carolina with her fiancée—” My body tenses up to the sound of Pep’s name. Danny immediately stopped the thought and jumps on a new one. “Have you heard from Pep lately?”
“The last I heard was that her fiancée unfortunately passed away,” I said, recalling that conversation with Lydia one day. “Her mom told me, but I haven’t spoken to Jennifer—”
“Pep,” Danny corrected.
“I haven’t spoken to her since she left for North Carolina last summer,” I finished my sentence, dismissing Danny’s correction.
“I just don’t understand how best friends like you and Pep just have a huge falling out like that,” Danny questioned, finishing the last of his slice.
“You should know, you were there when it happened.” The last time Pep and I spoke was the night before she was leaving for North Carolina. She was moving closer to her fiancée’s family since he was dealing with a chronic illness. I was against her moving so far away from her family; she deemed it as jealousy for being able to move her life along while mine was forced to stay here because of my son. It was the last straw after breaking them in half to create more, but for the sake of Pep and me, we ended our friendship and communication there on that same night.
Before we got any deeper to the conversation, my phone rings on top of the table, noticing the number as the repairman. “Hello?… Yes, speaking… That’s great, thank you again.” I hung up the phone and began to get up from the booth. “Thank god they were able to fix my AC unit—”
“Dude,” Danny said as he put his hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay to let things go for the sake of your own future. Yeah, your whole world is your son, but don’t forget you’re allowed to include your own wants and needs into that world.”
At the time, I didn’t understand why Danny worded things like that. The more I analyzed this day out with him, the more I realized that him and Nic had something up their sleeves this entire time—
Shawn was never good with big events. Any events, really. He nearly passed out hours before taking the Bar exam, and trying to get him together was a literal nightmare. Why did I think his wedding day would be any different? I believe there is a term you call people that are optimistic. It’s called ‘being stupid’.
“Ya,” I shouted as I banged on the bathroom door. “You can’t just hide out in the bathroom all day!”
“What the hell was I thinking,” Shawn says from the other side of the door. “How am I getting married so soon?!” I couldn’t help but sigh, as this isn’t the first time Shawn has said that exact thing.
“Shawn, you guys have been engaged for over a year,” I mentioned. “What did you think was going to happen?”
“Hyung, I can’t do this!”
“What happened to Mr. ‘You’re-Never-Gonna-Feel-Ready’ that was lecturing me about marriage last night?” I teased.
“I was foolish! I was talking after eating all that food at the dinner!” Shawn shouted. I shook my head, adjusting the cufflinks on my sleeves. Suddenly, there’s a knock on the front door; I open it knowing who it is. Kevin stands on the other side of the door, not amused to be standing here.
“Hyung,” he finally said as he walks into the apartment. He sighs as I close the door behind him. “Where is he?”
“Kevin?!” Shawn called out. “You called Kevin?!”
“If anyone is gonna talk you out the bathroom, it’s him,” I said, looking over at Kevin. Kevin and Shawn have had a rocky friendship ever since our time in California, and reconnected once Kevin’s daughter was born two years ago. Kevin knew how to talk Shawn out of these panic attacks; I clearly did not have the patience to deal with them.
Kevin walks over and knocks loudly on the bathroom door. “Hyung! Open the door!” Nothing is heard after that besides the sound of the lock opening. The door opens, and Shawn surprisingly is dressed.
“At least you’re dressed,” I said out loud.
“Shawn, what the hell is going on?” Kevin asked. “You do realize that the ceremony starts in an hour, right?”
“What if I’m making a mistake?”
“Whoa,” I intervened. “Are you having second thoughts about marrying Sky?”
“Marriage is… a commitment,” Shawn begins to explain. “What if we find out we aren’t compatible? What if she doesn’t like me as her husband? What if—”
“That’s not going to happen, Hyung,” Kevin reassured. “You and Skylar are literally one and the same. No one can put up with you the way she does.” I nodded my head, absolutely agreeing with him.
“But what if one day she stops? What if one day she stops loving me?” Shawn looked like he was serious when voicing his concerns. Did he truly believe these things? Did he really think that Skylar will just stop loving him one day if they get married?
“She’s not going to stop loving you,” I gently said to Shawn.
“How do you know that for sure?”
“She’s an Ashmore woman,” I said with a smile. “Once they make a decision, they don’t back out from it.” Shawn let out a deep breath, seeming to calm down a bit. Kevin watched as Shawn slowly stepped out of the bathroom in his tuxedo.
“I’m sweating profusely in this tux,” Shawn said, tugging at the collar.
“Good thing it’s a winter wedding and not a summer one,” Kevin began to say. “Skylar would be marrying a puddle at the altar.”
“Kevin,” I scolded him as he laughed. Shawn laughed as well, which surprised me. I forgot this was the way their friendship worked. This was their way of showing their love for each other.
“Were you this nervous for your wedding day, Kev?” I asked, taking the attention off of Shawn.
“Of course,” he began to say. “On top of that, JooAh was due any day with Yubin and didn’t want her to be uncomfortable throughout the whole ceremony.” Shawn turned his head, now looking at me.
“Don’t even,” I put my hand up, knowing what Shawn was thinking. Kevin was confused, but immediately dismissed it. “The scariest part about marriage isn’t the ceremony; it’s actually proposing.” I slowed hard, trying to not break a sweat in my own suit.
“And, Sky said yes,” I added. “She’s so in love with you, Shawn. You said it yourself last night; you need to feel ready for marriage, and you guys are ready to be married.” The ringtone of my cellphone goes up, breaking this sentimental moment between 3 friends-turned-brothers. Looking at the screen, it’s Grace. “Jagiya?“
“Where are you guys?” Grace immediately said in a panicked tone.
“We just got Shawn out of the bathroom successfully,” I said, throwing Shawn his coat and quickly putting mine on.
“The ceremony is literally starting in 20 minutes,” Grace admitted. I looked over the time of the stove, seeing the time as 11:33AM.
“We have two hours,” I said, now confused. “It’s not even noon yet.”
“What are you–” Grace paused before sighing. “You’re looking at the time on the stove, are you?”
“Yeah?”
“Babe, I don’t know how to tell you this, but that’s not the right time,” Grace said, ripping the bandage off without warning. “It’s 1:33PM.”
“What?!” I shouted, now the one panicking. “Why does the stove say 11:33 then?!”
“That thing has been wrong since…” I hear her sigh before finishing her sentence. “Since you were last in Korea. That’s KST.” My eyes widened; my initial reaction was this sense of warmth traveling through my body. She changed the time on the clock to know what time it was in Korea. Immediately after: pure panic. “We’re leaving now.” I hang up the phone, seeing both Shawn and Kevin stare at me. “We got 20 minutes to get there! Let’s go, let’s go!” The three of us run around the apartment, grabbing our things and exiting the door.
…
Shawn was the first one to run out of the cab when we got to the church, then Kevin. I hand the money over to the cab driver, thanking him as I ran behind the guys. I open the double doors of the church, watching both Shawn and Kevin run into the chapel; Kevin sliding into one of the booths with his wife and daughter, while Shawn ran down the aisle, bowing out of politeness and catching his breath once he got to the altar.
“Jamie!”
I turned around and finally see her. Uwa. Grace stands there with her red, curly hair tied up, with a couple of strands falling down the sides of her face. Her dress is a lavender color, hitting every curve on her perfectly. I immediately look at her belly, slightly poking through the fabric of the dress. She’s breathtaking–
“Ya!” She shouts, waving her hand in front of my face. I snap back to reality, seeing her small figure trying to get my attention. “Where the hell took you so long? Sky’s nearly about to rip herself out the dress and fight Shawn at the altar!”
“Shawn locked himself in the bathroom,” I explained as if it wasn’t the most ridiculous thing to come out of my mouth today. “He’s in the chapel though–“
“Is he finally fucking here?!” Skylar shouted, holding the train of her dress up to walk. He spots Grace and I and walks over to us. “I’m going to kill Shawn.”
“Oh, I know,” I said, completely agreeing. “Thank Grace’s stove clock for making us realize we didn’t have time to lollygag.” Grace hit me on the arm as I looked at her. “He’s at the altar now, possibly standing in a puddle of his sweat.” Skylar completely bypasses the joke and shouts at the wedding party gathered in the lobby.
“We’re starting! Everybody get in fucking place!” she runs at the end of the line as Grace and I get in our spot. The piano begins to play and the doors to the chapel open. The groomsmen and bridesmaids begin to walk down the aisle. I take in a deep breath, suddenly nervous. I feel Grace slightly squeeze my hand in hers, making me look down at her.
“You’re ready?” She whispers before he walk in the doorway, waiting to walk down the aisle. I smiled and looked up with Grace, beginning to walk down the aisle. As we walked down the aisle, I look over at the wedding guests. I see Shawn’s parents, the same parents that treated me like family during my time in law school. I see Grace’s parents looking at us, which makes me instantly nervous. To know this won’t be the last time they see Grace and I walk down an aisle is making my face become hot and flushed. By the time we got to the front of the altar, I stand next to Shawn, patting his shoulder as he lets out a deep breath. Shortly after, a little girl with blonde, curly hair and a light pink dress walked down the aisle; I couldn’t help but smile brightly. I looked over to Grace, watching her daughter throw flower petals on the ground and hurried to stand next to her. It wasn’t long after that everyone stood up from their seats and turned their attention towards the chapel door.
Skylar begins to walk out with her father with the biggest smile on his face. I look over at Shawn and immediately grab a tissue to hand over to him. I don’t blame him for being so emotional; seeing the woman you love walk down the aisle in a white wedding dress is a lot to keep in.
I look over to Grace on the bridesmaids side, watching through glassy eyes as Skylar walked down the aisle. Ahh, jagiya. I know how much this day meant for Grace as well. Shawn was right in saying that Grace was more like a sister to Skylar than a cousin. Being the only child in their families, they truly only had each other for support growing up. They fought like sisters, teased each other like sisters, and loved each other like sisters. I know this day means just as much to Grace as it does for Skylar.
…
Shawn and Skylar instantly became themselves again after the ceremony finished, and they were officially husband and wife. The music in the venue was loud, as some of the guests were already on the dance floor with the bride and groom. I walked across the hall, taking the atmosphere in. I was most excited to finally be with Grace after 24 hours of not being with her.
She sat at the table, talking to some guests alongside her mother. She looked up and smiled at me.
“Sorry to interrupt,” I said, handing Grace a small plate of hors d’oeuvres. “Just reminding the misses to eat something.” Grace rolled her eyes as her mother, Mollie, cooed.
“Such a gentleman,” Mollie commented, smiling at Grace.
“Nah, just well trained,” Grace playfully teased. Mollie began to get up from the seat once she hears Willow giving Grace’s dad, Weston, a handful. Before leaving, Mollie pats me on the shoulder.
“Makes sure she actually eats,” she says as she walks away with the other guests. I sit next to Grace and place my hand on her lap. Finally; together.
“Finally; together,” Grace leaned her head on my shoulder, practically reading my mind. “Sky drove me crazy last night.”
“Shawn wasn’t so easy to handle either,” I added, looking at her. She picks her head up to face me.
“Sky was all bent out of shape this morning,” Grace began to recall. “I felt so bad for her hairstylist; nothing was the hairstyle.” Oh, that very much sounds like Skylar.
“I had to call Kevin over to help drag Shawn out of the bathroom,” I mentioned. “It wouldn’t be Shawn if he wasn’t late to his own wedding.” Both Grace and I look out at the dance floor, watching Shawn and Skylar dance on each other along to the music. “I’m glad everything worked out.”
“You know it would,” Grace commented. “I mean, I knew Sky was serious about Shawn the moment she refused to go out to the Voyage after he went back to Korea. That was her favorite spot.”
“I get it,” I started to say. “That’s like us and the cafe.” Grace looked over at me, smiling as she put her hand on top of mine. “We’ll be bringing agi to the cafe, and tell them the story about how mom and dad fell in love over coffee.” Grace blushed instantly, trying to hold her growing smile.
The DJ slows the music down, which makes the couples begin to slow dance. I slowly get up from my seat, offering a hand to Grace. “May I have this dance, beautiful?” Grace smiled, extending her hand toward me.
“Of course,” Grace said, getting up from her seat, I hold her hand and walk her to the dance floor, picking a place not too far from out table just in case Grace needed to sit down. Still, it felt like our own private moment, dancing underneath the lights. I held her hand and held her close to me, swaying slowly back and forth to the song.
I dreamt of moments like this the second I knew I was in love with Grace. I dreamt of holding her in my arms as she pressed her head on my chest. I dreamt of smelling the rose scented conditioner Grace used once she got out of the shower. I dreamt of being with Grace; not just physically, but to know that emotionally she feels safe and loved. She deserved the world, and I dreamt of being the one giving her that. I dreamt slow dancing with her at a wedding; preferably our wedding.
I looked up and see both Shawn and Skylar looking in our direction. Once spotted, they immediately turned their heads away. Too late, guys.
“Shawn and Sky are practically gazing in our direction,” I joked. Grace lifted her head up to see the couple trying to not look obvious. They were very obvious. Grace laughed as she shook her head, looking back at me.
“Something tells me they’ve been talking about us,” Grace mentioned, cocking up an eyebrow. I wonder if Grace and Skylar had the same conversation Shawn and I did the night before.
“You know they are the co-owners of our fan club,” I joked, continuing to slow dance with Grace. Despite her looking absolutely gorgeous in her dress, I fear that Grace might look even sexier when she’s pregnant. She’s literally glowing; I don’t mind seeing this for the next 5 months at all.
“Maid of honor and best man,” a woman’s voice called out. Grace and I both turn our heads, noticing the photographer standing there. “May I?” She holds the camera up.
“Oh, of course,” Grace answered, getting herself ready to stand next to me. The photographer looks at us, analyzing how the picture will come out. I look at Grace and smile as she smiles for the camera. Flick. The photographer looks down at her camera, smiling at the result.
“Beautiful,” she said as she shows Grace and I the photo on her camera. It was a beautiful picture; Grace looking absolutely breathtaking as I looked at her. This will be something for the photo books; the one where we’ll have to show grace and I’s journey to where we are, and where we’re going to be.
It’s pretty crazy to think about writing this post, particularly because 2016 feels like it was only a couple of years ago; not a decade. If you think I’m going to be a mess next year writing blog posts for the blog’s tenth anniversary, prepare for me to be super nostalgic in this post.
Without further ado… where was Liz in 2016?
In 2016, I was in my senior year of college, entering my last semester as an undergraduate. I was taking four classes: Linguistics, American literature, Fiction Writing, and Acting II. I was a 22 year old aspiring screenwriter, hoping to get accepted to my dream graduate film school to pursue my passion at the time.
I entered the year wanting to document this monumental year; I decided to write a journal entry every day of the year to then read back at the end of it. I took that journal with me everywhere and wrote in it whenever I felt the end to document something. It’s something I still do, as I currently document 2025 in a journal as well.
My senior year of college was my favorite one of them all; it was the first time I actually made friends in my classes and wasn’t afraid of being myself with them. Most of my friends came from my acting classes, notably the best class I took and the one I cherish the most out of my undergrad experience. It was a shame that I was graduating that year; I wished I had found these group of people earlier in my college career so that I was able to spend more time with them. Still, I think they came at the perfect time in my life.
My friends came at a point where I was struggling a lot at home, dealing with some difficult situations that carried a lot of guilt and shame. These people made my days feel so much better, and it’s crazy to see the paths that they took after graduating CSI. One of them graduated with their MPH, of Masters of Public Health. One of them is now a tattoo artist in Florida. One of them is now a mother. One of them I get to see everyday since we work at the college as staff members now! I am so honored to have call them my friends, and I truly hope that they all continue to do well in their own paths of life.
Also, just to outdate myself some more, here is the official indicator that this was 2016: the Snapchat dog filter.
In 2016, I spent most of my time on my off days with my partner, who had just moved into their first apartment in Brooklyn. Nights consisted of us hanging out with large groups of people, including his family and friends and his roommate. It was truly the type of apartment anyone in their early 20’s dreamed of having, and for me it was a good place to relax and escape after a long day of classes, or if I just needed some time away from home. I am forever grateful to have been a part of that era, seeing my partner grow into his own.
On Valentine’s Day, my childhood dog, Pal, has passed away at our home in his sleep. It was truly my first ever pet loss. My family got Pal in 2001 from an adoption event at Petco. He was just 2 months old, and just as goofy as he was as he got older. This loss really got the best of me, and I distinctly remember having plans to see my partner for Valentine’s Day that year too. I remember waking up at 4 o’clock in the morning in tears, telling my partner I had a dream about Pal, and that he was still alive and well.
He was buried in Pennsylvania at my grandparent’s house, next to the other dogs that had passed earlier that year: Bear, Molly, and Emma, and where my grandfather’s ashes would later be spread. I like to believe that Pal was rested in the place that he enjoyed the most whenever we went to visit.
Sadly, I did not get into the grad film school I desperately wanted to get into. I guess you can say life has different plans for me. I was offered an automatic admission into the English Masters program at my college; a program that was currently going through a revamp of requirements and offered their students a chance to be a part of it. I was stuck in a place, not completely feeling fulfilled with my bachelor’s degree and wanted more. I decided to take the offer, starting grade school later that year for the Fall 2016 semester.
It is where I first met my mentor and now friend, Ro; or Professor Carlo in 2016. I was in her “Teaching of Writing” grad class, learning something that never in a million years did I think would become something I was passionate about. Throughout the semester, I became really comfortable in her class once I realized not all grad school professors are intense and scary. She was in her second year teaching at my college, and only 9 years my senior. By the end of the semester, I already knew I wanted to write my Master’s thesis about writing studies in first year college classrooms and immediately asked if she would be my thesis advisor when the time came around. I was grateful that she said yes, introducing me to a type of writing I did not know I even had in me. I truly believe because of Ro, I am now a better writer. Truly, I am where I am today because of Ro’s guidance and her willingness to mentor me professionally once I graduated from grad school.
2016 in a nutshell was a really good year for me, depsite the struggles I went through behind the scenes. I made the best of what I had, and went into the new year without any pre-notion on how the year was going to go. It was surprise, in my opinion, and I think a pivotal point in my journey of growth.
Who would think that a year later, this blog would be born…but that’s a different story for a blog post in next year’s celebration. 😉
I had an anxiety attack last year on New Years Eve, sitting on my bed trying to distract my intrusive thoughts with anything at this point. I felt alone on New Years Eve, even though I was at home with my family at the time. I was scared. I was scared of my own thoughts, not understanding that in a couple of months, I will learn that this sense of inflated responsibility I have will be labeled as obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Every year, I feel like I am getting closer to honestly knowing who I am for all the good and bad. I am learning that the things that I labeled as preferences were coping mechanisms that had an underlying, sneaky motive of control and responsibility. Because of that, I began to notice just how damaging my mechanisms became, simply off of the fact that they didn’t work for me anymore. I think out of everything, realizing the methods that used to help ease your depression and anxiety suddenly not work is the scariest thing; where else do you turn to when what you thought worked doesn’t anymore?
This past year in particular I picked up a hobby that I dropped when I graduated from grad school because I didn’t think it was helpful to my mental health. The problem wasn’t the hobby, it was everything else happening during that time period. I decided to keep a daily journal and write anything and everything in it every single day. Sure, I definitely did not manage to write every single day of 2025, but at least I tried!
page 1.
As I read back on the journal entries, I’m reminded of what my journey was like for the past year. It wasn’t linear, nor was it just a year of happy-go-lucky times. There were days that I questioned my abilities as a worker, writer, and even as a person. There were days I was sincerely happy and documented the day as detailed as possible so that I could remember it. There were days that I jotted down absolute nonsense, just because I needed an outlet to let it all out. 2025 wasn’t a special year, and it wasn’t one that I’ll think back in the future and document it as a monumental year. But, it was the first year in a really long time that I felt the most present. Maybe half of that was because journaling made me use my five senses to feel everything around me, and it allowed me to not live in my own head when I could be living in the outside world. In a sense, it has allowed me to really label my thoughts as just thoughts. There’s something symbolic in the way I can write down what’s going on in my head, close the journal shut, and continue to live on with my day knowing that the thoughts exist yet they do not affect how my day goes.
2026, I have high expectations for you; not because I’m looking to have such an amazing and life-changing year… although it would be nice, haha!
I have high expectations for you because I have high expectations for myself. I believe that I will finally manage my trichotillomania the more I practice ERP (exposure and response prevention) and get a better understanding about what causes it. I believe I will also finally allow myself to sit in discomfort more frequently, especially during the times I want nothing but to try to fix, control, and alter things to make them feel right. I have so many internal goals for myself this year, and I hope I can come back to this post (and come back to the very beginning of my 2026 journal this time next year) and read the journey on how 2026 shaped me into the person I will be entering 2027 in.
Cheers to you, 2026. I’m excited to see you for all its goodness.
Sophomore year had come to an end, and now the hardest part of our high school careers were coming: junior year.
It wasn’t just a day-by-day occurrence anymore; this was now the time that colleges will look at to determine whether or not they want you in their school. My dad had told me early on into sophomore year that I should be thinking about colleges. I laughed it off; all I wanted to do was go back to school, play in the band and sing in the choir, and hang out with Sophie after school.
“Again?” Jennifer asked as she prepped dinner in the kitchen. Reagan and Dylan were in the living room, watching some cartoon on the TV. Micah was in his room, playing what I would believe is some Charli XCX inspired techno beat on his iPad.“Didn’t you just see Sophie yesterday?”
“Today’s a brand new day,” I said, getting my bag ready. Jennifer turns around and looks at me, crossing her arms along her chest. “What?”
“Just because your dad is away at a conference for Spring Break, doesn’t mean you can go buckwild,” she commented. “I hope you have condoms in that bag.”
“Pep!” I reacted, my face now bright red.
“Your dad is oblivious; not me,” Jennifer turned back around into the kitchen and continued preparing food on the counter. “I think he chooses to be; why else would you constantly be hanging out in the pizza parlor with your girlfriend?”
“I happen to enjoy the pizza there,” I commented, grabbing a water from the fridge.
“Uh huh,” Jennifer responded. “I’m just telling you how it is, Milo. I don’t need you two running to me because you two decided to be reckless one night.” I feel my face get even hotter, remembering the time near my birthday that Sophie and I went to Jennifer for help with… lady problems. “I’m way too young to be a grandmother.”
“Pep, please,” I cover my ears as she spoke. I wanted nothing more to escape this conversation. Thankfully, Sophie called my phone at the right time. “Hey, babe… yep, I’m leaving now; I’ll be there in 10 minutes… Love you too.” I hang up my phone and get off the barstool and walk towards the front door. “I’ll text you!”
…
“Again?” I hear Jennifer whisper in the kitchen. “I’m worried about him, Milo.”
“He’s going to be fine, Pep,” I hear my dad speak. “It’s just a difficult time for him. It’s his first break-up.”
“I’m saying the same thing I had to tell Mollie earlier this summer; break-ups hurt, but the work never stops.” Mollie has had a hard summer for sure. I only know because she randomly had texted me one night during summer break. It completely took me off-guard, her message notifications were foreign on my phone. Later that night, I sat on my front stoop, waiting for her to come by. Once I had saw her walking underneath a street light I stood up. Mollie must’ve had saw me since she stopped in place for a moment. She continued walking toward my house; it wasn’t until she got close that I realized something was wrong.
“Mol?” I said, confused to see her here this late, yet alone here at all. “Is everything okay?” She didn’t say anything back; she simply started sobbing in my arms as I hugged her. This was the closest we’ve been since freshman year. “Mol.”
“Aaron and I broke up,” Mollie said through tears. I was speechless, not expecting to hear that. Aaron and Mollie were stronger than ever during sophomore year. We had drifted a part as the months passed in addition to our rocky first year at Waverly, but seeing her be so happy with Aaron made me realize just how much Mollie loved him. I understood what that looked like; in some strange way, it gave me the courage to finally make things official with Sophie.
“Why? What happened?” I pulled her away to finally talk to her, but her head hung low. All I saw were tears falling straight to the ground. I kneeled down in front of Mollie, not wanting to force her to look up at me. “Mol?”
She took a few deep breaths before she lifted her head up. I got up with her. “Aaron got some once in a lifetime deal to be an opener for the Chappell Brothers.” My eyes widen, shocked. That was definitely a once in a lifetime deal. “He leaves for tour in a week.”
“I’m… sorry, Mol,” I genuinely said. “How did he even get that?”
“His dumb, optimistic manager,” Mollie answered, sniffling and wiping her eyes. “Apparently this has been in the talks for a year. A year! A year Aaron knew this was in negotiation and didn’t even bother telling me until a week before!”
“But you’re in his band,” I pointed out. “You’ve been singing lead for two years now.”Mollie started crying again after I said that. “I didn’t mean to upset you, I was just–“
“I quit the band,” Mollie admitted. Another shocker in such a short time-span. “For one, my mom isn’t letting me run off with some boy and his band, and–“
“You’d be leaving dance behind,” I concluded, immediately understanding the circumstances. I sighed. “I’m sorry you’re going though this.”Mollie started to laugh as she continued wiping her tears off of her face.
“Isn’t it crazy,” she began to say. “I should’ve just listened to you when you said he cared about his band more than me.”
“No,” I immediately disagreed. “That was stupid for me to say in the first place.”
“But it was true–“
“You loved him, Mol,” I emphasized. “And anyone with a pair of eyes knew that he loved you back.” Mollie just stared at me, letting the slow falling tears fall from her eyes. “I didn’t realize that until this year; really.”
“This sucks,” Mollie said, putting her head on my shoulder.
I placed my head on top of hers, comforting her in the way that I used to; back when we were just kids. Back when we were best friends. “I know, Mol.”
…
I finally get up from my bed and open my bedroom door. I walk out passed the kitchen and see Jennifer and my dad standing there. They stop talking once they notice me standing.
“Hey, buddy,” my dad began to say.
“My room is literally around the corner,” I commented. “No need to stop talking about me now that I am here.”
“Milo,” Jennifer began to say as I walked past the two adults, getting a snack from the cabinet. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine,” I simply said, walking out of the kitchen with a bag of chips in my hand. “I just want to relax before school starts next week.” I plopped down on the sofa, next to my younger brother, Micah. He looks at me when I reach for the remote.
“Hey! I’m watching that!” he whined.
“I’ve been hearing this same damn episode of Bluey all day,” I told him, annoyed.
“Mommy!”
“Milo,” my dad intervened.
“What?” I looked at my dad, frustrated at everyone in this house at this point. He started walking to the back door of the kitchen; the ones that goes straight to the studio downstairs.
“Come downstairs for a minute.” I sighed, leaving the bag of chips on the sofa. It wasn’t a surprise that I heard Micah immediately grab it for himself.
I walked down the studio stairs and stopped once I saw my dad in the equipment area, grabbing a guitar from the supply closet.
“Dad, I’m not in the mood to learn anything new with the electric guitar,” I pleaded, sitting on the piano bench, watching my dad tune the guitar. “Dad? Dad?!” He couldn’t hear me over the practice riffs he played on the guitar. Can’t lie, it sounded pretty sick.
He looked back up, taking the guitar off from his body and placing it on the stand next to him. He grabs a folding chair, opening it in front of me and sits down. “I know you’re having a hard time with your break-up with Sophie.”
“There’s nothing I can do about it,” I said nonchalantly. “It is what it is.”
“I know you love her, bud.” I begin bouncing my leg in place, unwillingly at this point. I didn’t want to get into this; not with my dad. “I know how it feels to have your very first heartbreak like that.”
“Jennifer broke up with you at one point?” I genuinely asked.
My dad shook his head no. “It was when your mom passed away.” Yeah, he won that debate.
“Dad,” I began to try to put together a tangible sentence about this topic. “I don’t want to have to look at her in band and think about why our relationship didn’t work out.”
“Why did you guys decide to break up in the first place?”
“Things just got complicated,” I answered vaguely. The truth of the matter was that Sophie felt like she lost her identity being with me. Throughout sophomore year, my friends became her friends when we got together. If I was around, it was most likely that Sophie was there too. It got to the point where she began to feel like my shadow.
It also didn’t help that major wise, we both probably did the worst in those classes. We weren’t really a good influence when we were together. We used to cut our 8th period class just so that we could hang out in the treehouse, or in the studio space before my parents got home. A lot of that time spent during that time was… well, you know.
“Not to sound insensitive, but you guys are 16. What could’ve possibly been more complicated than the classes you’re taking in school?”
“She spent a lot of time with me, dad.” Sophie spent majority of her time with me over the past year, and although I won’t tell him this, she had expressed she felt most like herself while she was doing her Juilliard future students program. I wouldn’t ever tell Sophie this, but her excessive time in the program was starting to rub me off the way. I started to feel like she would rather send time with other prospective students in the program instead of her own boyfriend. “We both felt like we were just… too dependent on each other, I guess.
“Sounds like you don’t agree,” my dad pointed out.
“I do,” I quickly said, dismissing his comment. “But I’m fine, dad. I think it’s best that we both focus on things for college, especially if we’re going to go to the schools we want to go.”
“That’s a very mature outlook on things,” my dad commented, and continued to play the guitar. I knew my dad played the guitar, but to him it’s been years since he did it every day. He mentioned that he used to be in a band with Jennifer and a couple of their friends back in high-school. What surprised me is that he actually looked cool playing it. “Have you ever thought about doing something outside of school this year?” Huh?
“With my schedule?” I joked, now walking towards him and the guitar. He looks up at me, noticing me looking at the guitar.
“Maybe you should put some of your focus this year on a new project,” he mentioned. “Like start your own band or something.”
“That’s basic,” I dismissed, rolling my eyes.
“It’s something on your resume for schools that are looking for leaders in their craft,” my dad mentioned. “At least, that’s what I heard for Berklee.” Boston Conservatory at Berklee was my top college. I went to a couple of campus tours and open houses last year whenever I had the chance, and that chance being whenever Jennifer had a dance competition with her academy in Massachusetts. I pictured myself walking around the campus, taking music classes and living away from home for four years. It was something I was excited about doing once I graduate Waverly next year.
But, I’ve yet to do junior year, in which something tells me this isn’t going to be the easiest year.
“I don’t know,” I finally answered. “I don’t think I’m ready to be going out there and recruit people for a band in junior year. Everyone already is a part of some band or group, especially after Aaron and his band–“
“Yeah.” My dad said. He knows exactly what happened. “Maybe you should try talking to Mollie.”
“And have her join yet another band? She’d punch me right in the face if I did.” It was true though. I couldn’t imagine Mollie wanting to join anything this year that involves music.
“But this could be something that you both put together,” my dad suggested. “Mollie joined someone else’s band. With her a part of the founding process, she has something that is evenly yours and hers.” My dad then begins to rip some sort of crazy chord on the guitar that echoes the entire studio room. It isn’t long after that Jennifer is yelling from on top of the stairs, saying that the house is shaking. My dad laughs and puts the guitar back on its stand. The guitar is shiny and orange; sort of vintage looking. I wonder if this was dad’s when he was in his own band.
“Dad?”
“Yeah, bud?” he answered, placing the guitar back in the storage closet.
“Why didn’t your band work out if they were all your friends?” I asked. My dad turned around and looked at me before answering the question.
“Personally, my priorities had to change,” he began to answer. “You were born and I has to take care of you first.” Ahh, so much for having a cool dad in a world famous band.
Letters From Liz. 