Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2022, Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: December 2022 Edition.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz. God, I miss these types of posts.

When I started the blog, I created a monthly series where I just sit down and free-write anything that comes to mind in hopes it makes some type of sense at the end. I used it to do some self-reflection during a time in my life when I didn’t have the mental space to take a step back and see if I was doing okay. Those grad school years were no joke, y’all.

In the end, the series that came about this was called:

I remember this series mainly being about my mental health and how I knew I wasn’t in the right place, but I always hoped that maybe with time, things would fall into those right places. Newsflash: they didn’t, even after seeking therapy in mid-2018. I honestly don’t know what changed these types of posts; maybe was just more in love being in my writing universes than actually sitting here and writing about things that are just bland and mediocre. Maybe my life has just gotten that boring, but I’m more passionate about exploring fictional characters and their lives than my own but in a good way! I feel like as the years passed and I started to deal with my mental health in a different way, I felt like my mind is now occupied with storytelling and the characters that live in these universes I’ve created.

I love thinking about 30-year-old Grace that is still trying to figure out her life at her age and what it means to be just herself. She’s at a point in her life where she doesn’t want to be identified as something she doesn’t feel confident or comfortable in while also trying to let go of the identity she had when she was with Jamie. She thinks that her choices are what fucks everything in her life up, but little does she know it’s those choices that put her exactly where the universe wants her to be.

I love thinking about 20-year-old Micah that is eccentric and outspoken and going through the waves of college life while still trying to see where his place in society is. He’s the one in his family trying to chase after his dreams, but it’s also his family that holds him back from doing what is needed to achieve those dreams. Also, he’s trying to figure out how to live a life without his real best friend, Rosie, after the traumatic sequence of events for both of them.

I love thinking about the 14-year-old entourage Milo & Mollie, two best friends that are total opposites yet come together because they are the best friend duo. Milo is the shy and hyperfocused friend while Mollie is the spontaneous and headstrong friend, sometimes their personalities clash in a way that puts the both of them in tough situations. To see the different directions that these two friends are going in their stories is exciting to play around with, especially because they both have something that the other lacks, which makes the outcome of their storylines so interesting to portray.

I love thinking about the sub-characters of these stories and thinking of potential spin-pff series with them as the main characters. I swear sometimes my brain works like a Nickelodeon or Disney mashup; all these different characters from different stories do live in the same, wider universe and are even related. Milo and Micah are brothers; Mollie is Grace’s mother. Again, it’s interesting to see these characters and their personalities and see just how much their traits and flaws affect those that are around them. For example; Mollie as a teenager speaks a lot about how Mollie is as a young adult. We also see that in Grace as a young adult even following in her own mother’s footsteps–

Wait, when did this become a post about me gushing over these characters?

Needless to say, this is a part of my identity that I felt was neglected in the years that I was trying to get my mental health in order. I felt like I never had the space to think in depth about these characters that I developed in my imagination for quite some time now. Mollie and Milo were created when I was 14 years old back in 2008. Micah was created in 2017, and Grace was created in 2014 when I took screenwriting in college. All these years that these characters have literally lived in my mind rent-free but it wasn’t until 2020 that I actually began to tell their stories and actually followed through with them.

And that’s when these types of posts began to slow down, and in a way, I’m glad that I made the transition from this type of content to just storytelling. Sometimes I do ask myself, “should I rename the blog because I’m not really writing in the format that I used to write in?” But at the end of the day, my blog is just a space where these characters can live outside of my mind, and I’m so glad that many of you follow my blog for these characters because like, I never thought that anyone would get invested in a bunch of characters that I made up one random day of the year.

This content– the storytelling content– is the most “me” I’ve been in a while on this blog, and maybe that’s why I take posting and writing and staying on a schedule so seriously because like… I actually enjoy writing on here now. I think there will always be a special place in my heart for my old content, this type of content because it’s literally the foundation of what this blog is. But just like me, my blog grew up, and this is the best version of “Liz, the writer” I’ve been in my opinion.

And that’s the end of this voiceless rant.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2021, Voiceless Rant: The Series

Day 4: A Voiceless Rant: December 2021 Edition.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

It’s been so long since one of these bad boys were posted on the blog! This series, in particular, was created during a time in my life where I felt voiceless in a world where there were louder voices. I started this series as an attempt to be completely uncensored about how I was feeling and to show readers that I was more than what meets the eye. After 4 years of this series being on and off, it’s kind of funny to see how much I’ve grown away from this series, and how much I actually found my voice throughout the series, and just in life in general.

In other words, here’s this month’s installment of:

This year alone has been one that I truly think I needed in order to get better. I needed to get to a place of rock bottom and uncertainty to lift myself back up and get better clarity of the things that mean a lot to me and what was important to me. It’s crazy, almost being 28 years old and feeling nothing like my 23 or 24 year old self. You truly grow within your years, and I’m so grateful they were for the better.

Because I entered my 20’s still not having my own identity. I went through them still feeling scared, naive, and voiceless when all I wanted to do was to voice what I wanted to voice out. It’s mainly one of the reasons I took up writing; I wanted nothing more to express myself without having anything interrupt it or anything taking my time and space to talk away from me. And these “rants” allowed me to do just that; to have a moment to talk about things that were bothering me and things that I wanted to express my opinions about. It was also the first time I expressed my concern of seeking professional help for my mental health and the stigma it would put on me: the one that was always “kept together” and “strong”. This series brought out some of the most uncomfortable topics in me.

2021 challenged me to project my voice; verbally, and in my writing.

Writing wise, I had to stick up for my narrative within my journal article to peer reviewers who didn’t appreciate my voice being so heavy in an academic piece. I had to defend my voice and the importance of my voice in my papers because too many people lose it in the process.

Verbally, I had to challenge those who took my kindness for weakness and I needed to learn boundaries. While I wanted to voice those boundaries, I was too scared to do so. But, I realized that when you secretly need those things and when your soul tells you that you need something in your life to change, you gotta listen to it. Again, it wasn’t an easy road to get where I’m at, and it took years to finally perfect it in a way that works for me.

When I think back to younger Liz, the early 20’s Liz (and even late teens Liz) I can’t help but be extremely grateful that I made it to be the age I am today. Who would’ve thought that I would be here today and look back and say, “goddamn, you are now living in the mind that you always wanted.” And when I’m in my 30’s, I’ll probably say the same thing again! But to be here and allowed myself the room to grow and better myself instead of ending my life when I was 18, I think I’ll forever be grateful and thankful that there was something in me wanting to push harder and see the good out of things, and in myself.

And I think for the most part, this series played its role and did what it needed to do for me. I think it gave me the space and time needed to express and project my voice when I couldn’t do it in real life. And because of that, this series will always remind me where I once was, and how far I’ve come since then.

See you when I see you next, Voiceless rants.

LFL's Anniversary Blogging Celebration!, Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: January 2021 Edition.

30+ Best New Year Wishes for 2021 - New Year Messages for Friends and Family

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

First and foremost, happy new year! We have officially left 2020 in the past and we are now starting a new and fresh year! I hope that everyone had a fun yet safe new year’s celebration. I hope in whatever way possible, you spent it with friends and family and in great company since the holidays can typically be one of the hardest times of the year for people. Nevertheless, it’s a new year which means new beginnings, new opportunities, and just a new start.

Nevertheless, here’s the first installment of 2021 for this series:

For me, 2021 is going to be the year that life might be life-changing. With the surgery happening within the next month or two, I am preparing to get the fee ready to pay for and get handed a date. This is so fucking scary to think about, to think that this chapter of my life is coming to an end to start a new, foreign one.

2021 for me is that maybe I will finally work on the things that I need to work on for the sake of having better friendships and better communication with those people in my life. I want to finally be able to balance out prioritizing my feelings yet being aware enough of the other person’s feelings. Ending 2020 has taught me a lot about the things I need to work on, but I know that I am capable of improving some areas in my life that I’m not the most proud of.

In every new year’s post I’ve posted on the blog, I’ve mentioned that I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions because they give off the expectation that if you don’t achieve the goals that you set at the end of the year prior, your whole year was unsuccessful. I don’t believe in the new year’s resolution thingymabob because you don’t know what the year holds for you. You don’t know what’s to come, what’s going to interfere with your progress of achieving these goals, and to make these expectations before the year even begins isn’t the smartest thing to be doing.

But isn’t this sort of like a resolution post, Liz?” Possibly. I have some expectations for the new year and hope to achieve them somewhat in 2021. But, it doesn’t mean my year would be completely useless if I didn’t get to achieve what I wanted to achieve.

I mean, we all entered last year thinking we were all going to be making the biggest moves and the biggest memories since we were leaving another decade in the past; I know I did. But COVID happened, and it was something so unexpected for a year that was supposed to be a new leaf for a lot of people. Now we’re so happy to say we are officially in 2020.

But, I will take the things that happened in 2020 and what it gave us to learn from it and apply it to the many years to come; not just in 2021. 2020 has taught us that we as a society take the people in our lives and our abilities to do things for granted, because they can be easily taken away from us, as the pandemic did. It taught us how to spend time with ourselves, to see what are some things we are able do to make the best out of these shitty situations, to test our limits to see how strong we could be.

I just hope 2021 brings more kindness into this world.

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2020, Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: December 2020 Edition.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letter From Liz!

It’s kind of crazy that it’s been a hot minute since we had a post like this on the blog! In all honesty, I just haven’t felt inspired to write about myself (if you’re an active reader, you would know that a lot of my posts have been scenes of my writing universe). But for the sake of wrapping up this year and keeping the Lizmas tradition, here is this month’s (and the last for 2020) installment of:

So, despite my life taking a complete 180 from what it is now, I’ve been doing some new things that never in a million years I thought I’d do.

Hi, my name is Liz and I’m on a dating app.

For those who know me, you know that within the last decade, I was in a relationship and towards the end of 2019, we both went our separate ways. I told myself I needed some time to get to know myself and to embrace my own interests and prioritize my feelings and just spend some time by myself.

That was a year and a half ago, I’m somewhat tired of being my own company.

I’ve been having this mindset of wanting to date again for awhile. I remember being at the bar with a couple of my co-workers (before the pandemic) expressing the fact that I think I was ready to start dating again. I felt confident in my skin and in my personality and I felt like I was finally ready to put myself out there. Of course, The pandemic happened and my priorities definitely shifted since that night at the bar, but I did start putting myself out there.

This past summer, I’ve met some amazing people who are now call my friends, and I can’t lie, just having the courage to put myself out there and make connections through a Kpop trading community made me realize the fact that networking and just not being afraid of putting yourself out there is always a good thing in life, especially in this day and age.

It took me months to realize that I should just download a damn dating app and from my best friend’s recommendations, I’m here on a dating app, hoping to meet some new people!

It’s weird because I never saw myself ever being okay talking to complete strangers I match with online but it’s a lot easier than I thought! Perhaps it’s because for the entire summer, I had to make the first move whenever I wanted to trade or buy photocards from people within the community.

As I’m writing this now, I haven’t had amny success on the dating app just yet, but that’s completely fine! I’m not in any rush to find someone and start a whole big thing with them; I’m just happy I was able to make this whole step in the first place and I guess we will see what comes from it!

I’m extremely shocked that there were people who swiped right on me. Like… what was it about my profile that made them swipe right; I may never know. But it does give you that little confidence boost that someone is willing to match with you and start up just a simple conversation. It’s definitely been nice seeing the type of people I’m matching with and the people I’m even swiping right on!

It’s so weird being 26 year old and finally being out on the dating scene like this. I never casually dated like this before and it’s definitely something I’m not going to master right away but I’m still so fucking young and what better time to explore and put myself out there than now? That’s the mentality I have on this new dating thingymabob journey.

So, hi! If you somewhat found my blog and we’ve matched… hi. :3

Blogust 2020: The Series, Voiceless Rant: The Series

Day 24: A Voiceless Rant – August 2020 Edition.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

I can’t believe that this summer is almost over. For us to be in a middle of a pandemic, you’d think that the summer would drag on just because a lot of the summer activities this year were out on hold! But nope: it is the end of August, about to enter September, and before you know it, it’ll be my favorite season of the year: Winter!

But speaking of August… it’s been a much different type of month for me than it was this time last year. Here’s this month’s installment of:

So, I remember anniversaries and milestones like it’s nobody’s business. It’s a blessing and a curse and in most cases, it’s the latter. When a certain time of year comes around, I am reminded of where I was years prior: every May I am reminded that 8 years ago, I put myself in a dumb situation where I could’ve been raped. Every November I am reminded that my sibling was scared I’d take my own life and having to speak to my therapist and psychologist about that low part of my life. Every August I am reminded that in 2018 we said our final goodbyes to my grandfather and in 2019, I said my final goodbyes to a person who been in my life for half of it. It’s that final one that I have to walk on getting better with.

Last week, it was a year since that night: that night where we fought and I blurred out what my soul had been wanting me to say for awhile: I needed to learn to love myself before I could love anyone else because I was struggling to balance my relationship, my mental health, and my undefined identity that so desperately wanted to strive. I sat in the chair in the kitchen, the same exact one a year ago when I was crying my eyes out, now doing the same thing, but for a different reason.

I was proud for coming from where I was to get to this exact moment: fulfilled, happy, and at peace.

To have worked at my very social job at the bookstore and to create friendships with my coworkers (mind you that pretty much got me through the heartbroken grieving phase of the healing process) meant that I got better. To attend my first ever Kpop concert back in January by myself and enjoyed the night with something I like and wanted to do meant that I got better. To go out for drinks with my coworkers after work one day and to casually attend a happy hour and just eat and laugh and connect some more meant that I got better. Traveling on a plane for the first time by myself to go to Florida and see Tori meant that I got better. To openly embrace the fact that Kpop is a major part of my everyday life and to express myself to the trading/collecting community meant that I got better. Meeting some of the greatest people in the community that understands my love for Kpop and make friendships from that meant that I got better.

I got better. Sure, I still have my moments where I’m sad and negative and angry and depressed; when I’m human, but most of my days I am happy and I’m content.

My mother even mentioned the other day something that I will forever hold close to my heart: “you’re happy and bubbly again.”

So, I’m nowhere near being done with my process, nor I doubt I’ll ever be completely done learning and growing. I know this time next year, things could be completely different; I could be completely different, but in this moment I am learning how to take care of myself and prepare myself for the future negative things that will happen; they happen to everyone. But, I will now know how to take better care of myself, and not instantly feel out of control to the point where self-harming comes to play. I will manage y emotions better and be better at prioritizing how I feel.

I guess the point of this rant is that no matter how minor or major a change in your life is, embrace it. Embrace the positives you have, embrace the negatives and learn how and why they are your negatives, embrace the qualities that you hide in the privacy of your own space and flaunt yourself to the world, embrace the fact that you are getting better and that you’re actively doing thing to make you better. The process, in this case, means much more than the final product.

I am not who I was, and August memories don’t define my being: I do, in this moment, typing this very last sentence.

Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: July 2020 Edition.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.

In the time I’m writing this, I’m going though some type of insecurity that I haven’t felt ever in my life. In some way, it’s a new insecurity of mine; it’s something that I couldn’t do in my past due to my circumstances and quite frankly this post alone contradicts the whole damn point of this month’s installment of:

I say this because as I’m about to write how much I want to hide myself from the world, here I am exposing myself to it and here I am writing my feeling about me not wanting to be an open book anymore.

June was a really weird month for me. I found myself going through a new wave of depression that usually comes around this time of year naturally. I get bad seasonal depression, and that season is the summer for me. It started to creep up on me once June hit and the hot weather was constant throughout the weeks, and for still being out of work during out due to the pandemic (I work at a college), I didn’t have that distraction that usually helps me focus on other things besides the things that I overthink about.

The constant thing that kept me happy was Kpop, specifically building my album and photocard collection. During this time to myself, I decided that I wanted to collect photocards (mainly Victon’s) and open my trading account to connect with other traders and sellers in this community. As I’m writing this, it’s been a week since I opened up the account and I’ve made more connections with people than I’ve done in last couple of months. It’s refreshing to talk to people about things that you like and that they also like and just building a connection off of that (of course, with selling and trading in the mix!) At first, I felt embarrassed wanting to be so involved in collecting; I was constantly being judged by those around me for “having a teenage hobby” and liking Kpop music, and I just began to feel that shame I felt about something that makes me happy all over again, like it was 2019 all over again.

And because of that, I more than ever want to stop sharing myself on here and on the internet because I’m tired of thinking what other people think of me and my interests and quite frankly, I was a lot happier just being on my corner of the internet, by myself, secretly liking the things I liked and that made me happy.

But, I run a blog off of my experiences and my thoughts and quite frankly this post is doing the exact thing I don’t want to do. I’m a writer, and I identity being a write before than being a woman.

Like, let’s cut to the bullshit and get straight to the point: I’m tired of the little comments and looks and questions about my interests from friends, family, and possibly those who follow me on any social media platform I’m active on. I’m tired of the eye rolls every time something with my name comes in the mail, I’m tired of the anxiety I feel whenever I talk about my interest and current hobbies with a smile on my face, and I’m quite frankly just tired of constantly playing the judgments again and again in my head because deep down inside I also think those same things about myself and feel them as well.

I’m tired of other people amplifying them for me.

It sounds so stupid and childish, sure; like it’s totally an issue that shouldn’t be called an issue. It’s the fact that my anxiety disorder is making it feel like it’s a huge problem. My anxiety loves to feed off of the judgments and comments from people, and although I wish I knew how to stop seeking approval or validation that I’m not these things that I think of myself, I still do, and my anxiety eats up anything negative towards the things that makes me happy, whether it’s people, my personality, my interest in Kpop music and collecting; whatever it is.

That anxiety turns into self-loathe; it constantly tells myself I should be a certain way because I’m a certain age, and it makes me regret wanting to ever like certain things, for instance: Kpop. I’m so close to making a rational decision like sell my collection and album and make my side of my room appear more like a 26-year-old rather than a 16-year-old’s because I’m so tired of the internal I keep having with myself about whether it’s age-appropriate to like and be involved in something like this.

But like, it’s fucking music, there’s no age-restriction on music, so why do other people (myself included) feel like I don’t belong within this specific genre of music? I swear it’s such a stupid fucking argument with myself, but it’s been bothering me for months.

It started to bother me when I started to really get into Victon at the beginning of this year. I started to buy their previous discography to start off an album collection because I was really getting into them and their music, and whatever goodies came with the albums I just mindlessly left in the albums because I wasn’t collecting the photocards or anything.

Fast forward to April, and I got extremely into buying photocards to start off a collection. By the time it was June, I started trading with other people around the country for the cards I’d wanted and vice versa. I will admit I spent a shit ton of money on this collection, but it makes me so fucking happy and every time I get a card in the mail, it feels like Christmas morning.

But when it started to become noticeable that I was into collecting, I started to get judged for liking and doing this. “Liz, you’re 26-years-old.” “This is something I would’ve expect you to do when you were a teenager.” “Liz is living her 12-year-old dream.” “What’s up with you listening to those *Asian* boys?” (And let’s just say the word used wasn’t Asian, I just don’t want to repeat the racist comment) While the comments are meant to just push my buttons, I don’t find them funny because those comments and jokes are internal judgments I tell myself all the time, and it’s just so discouraging.

Perhaps I’m just not used to sharing myself like this. Prior to 2020, was very anxious showing or being myself publicly because of the situation I was in, but now that I started to embrace my identity and who I am more and more, I feel all the negative things that come being me.

Anyway, if you read this far into this very true rant, thank you. Also, if this even makes it to the blog, then I guess I decided to just publish the scheduled posts I had on here for July. I can’t say where I’ll be during this time that this publishes; maybe I’ll feel better and maybe this was just a short funk of mine! But as of right now, I just don’t want to be on the internet for a bit. I just feel like hiding for a short period of time and keep to myself until I feel better about whatever this is.

Thanks for bearing with me.

Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: June 2020 Edition.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.

In the midst of the blog being very music heavy this month due to my interests, I wanted to take a step back and reflect on what this month was like outside of the Kpop music world; it was a month of hardships, fights, awareness and pride for those who’s voices are silenced, misjudged, and stereotyped due to society’s backwards way of thinking once.

I think back to how life was just a decade ago when people still thought LGBT+ jokes were funny and racially charged comedy was something that was huge. I think back at even my own actions and my own racially charged/gay insults or jokes that I told when I was a kid in order to hurt someone that hurt me. It’s the oldest tale in the book when we say “we are not those people anymore and I apologize for the things that I said in my past” but it’s the truest. We all said some pretty fucked up shit in our past. We didn’t know any better and us as an society didn’t realize it quick enough to know that these ideologies and “social trends” cost people their lives and undervalued their struggles to be seen and heard. People that look different and love different (which is it really any different?) are not the center of your jokes, and we as a society know that and practice being better people in society.

Here’s this month’s installment of:

In November 2019, I wrote a blog post about my romantic attraction and how I realized it changed throughout my self-discovery. I don’t talk about it much these days because I’m very much learning a lot about this identity of mine and I also believe that there are louder and more important stories to tell than my own. For those who don’t know, I am a demiromantic; it’s when you don’t feel any romantic attraction for a person unless you develop a deep, meaningful and emotional connection with someone. For me, that meant that my lines of romantic love and platonic love were sometimes blurred, and I end up being romantically attracted to my closest friends; no matter how they identified. To this day, I find myself still being romantically attracted to my friends but of course I am learning how to build up boundaries with them so that my mind doesn’t confuse friendship qualities and romantic relationship qualities.

Although this is the perfect time to talk about something like this since it is bringing awareness to a sexuality that is fairly uncommon or overlooked as “something everyone does, duh” (I don’t think everyone falls in love with their friends of the same sex though…) I am still not an oppressed person. I am a demiromantic/heterosexual white girl; nobody targets me on a daily basis due to the color of my skin or who I choose to love. Nobody is chasing me with bats trying to beat me up because I don’t follow their beliefs. I don’t have a family that kicks me out of the house for being anything different than what is considered “normal”. I’m not living the hardest life being a demiromantic person, and so I chose not to openly express it to the world because, well, there’s more important things we should be talking about.

It’s the fact that for June to be LGBT+ Pride Month, so many LGBT POC are either getting murdered for what they are and who they love, are being excommunicated from the rest of their family for going “against the Bible” and who are constantly the target for people to rage out on just because they are LGBT+. For a world becoming more and more progressive as the years go on, we still have people out here calling the LGBT+ Community slurs. I remember I had to correct someone close to me for calling a transgender woman “a t****y” because it’s a damn slur & for being a sister to a sibling who is trans, I felt the need to correct them for my sibling’s behalf, just how I would correct someone for saying the N-word that wasn’t Black.

I am very grateful that my family was understanding enough when I told them I was demiromantic. I am very grateful that even though they might fully understand what it means for me to be demiromantic, they were still able to love and support me for who I was. I am very grateful that I’m able to be so open and honest and still feel like no matter what, I don’t have people looking at me or targeting me for being this way.

I am also very grateful that I get to use my platform and my white privilege to educate those who don’t know or understand the many things of the LGBT+ community.

So, yeah, Happy Pride Month to this demiromantic person. But even more so: allow the voices who are constantly silenced to have this time to finally talk and express themselves.

Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: May 2020 Edition.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.

This time of year, I’m reminded of my past a lot. I deem myself a walking calendar, and when something has affected me or my life in a negative way, I’m bound to remember it. It’s a blessing and a curse; a blessing because I have a pretty good memory, but a curse because people think that it holds more significance in my life than it does. In the past, I’ve been scolded so much about not remembering my past as accurately as possible, that nowadays it’s the hardest fucking to do.

While May is still one of my favorite months out of the year because of the warmer weather and kickstart to the summer, It’s one of the hardest months to mentally get through because a lot of that traumatic shit happened around this time of year.

But fuck being silent about it.

With that being said, here’s this month’s installment of:

voiceless rant

I talk a lot about my 18th year because a lot of dark shit happened that year. Eight years later and I still carry that baggage around me every now and then, but slowly I’m letting it go and forgiving myself the more I talk about it. My therapist, Cathy, told me one of the most important things that I think I’ll carry for the rest of my life: “by talking about it, you’re diffusing the energy behind it.”

So, hi. This is me using this month’s voiceless rant to go on a rant about some things that I’m learning to let go of.

Eight years ago in May, many things happened. After 5 months of emotional abuse and death threats, I let Person #2 back into my life because I was still in love with them. The thing was, I was already interested in another person, Person #3; a new person that didn’t know who I was or what I was at my high-school because from the hours of 4pm through 7pm at an after-school workshop, I was just Liz. I wasn’t “Liz, the slut” or “Homewrecking bitch Liz” or “Liz, the girl with the cut marks on her arms”.

Balancing Person #3, then Person #2, and then Person #1 was a lot for me, but I didn’t complain. For once in 5 months, I felt like people were finally looking at me, liking me, and giving me the validation and attention that I desperately wanted. I was 18 and lonely, what can I say?

Person #2 didn’t really last long in my life. Sure, they had a hold on me and I spent my time with this person every now and then, but I was finally at a place where I wanted to leave everything behind and start new with someone who was interested in me and single. Spending the first day with Person #3, I kissed them. Big mistake. It gave them a perception of me that I was trying to avoid with them. Slowly, the person I was trying to keep away from this person started to seep through. I trusted this person way too quickly, told them my issues, and how heartbroken I was with Person #1 since I was in love with them but always felt like their second choice. They even told me a story about a long-distance lover they had, which at the time thought was the sweetest thing. Person #3 and I were just two lost souls, and I guess their company felt right. Until it wasn’t.

I made a stupid move traveling across the city to see them one day. I even remember the only reason I went was because Person #1 hurt me so bad two nights before that I just wanted to let them go, and let Person #2 go as well. I lied to them, I lied to my family, and anything could’ve happened. Of course, I didn’t think that a person I barely knew would do anything that would later on stay with me for the next 7 years.

I didn’t go over their house to have sex. Make out? Sure. Kiss some more? Sure. I was fucking depressed, and all I wanted was to enjoy someone else’s company. When Person #3 and I started to make out, we took it to their room, and that’s when things got intense. Sure, the making out was fun, I won’t deny that, but they clearly had another thing in mind.

They were trying to get through my buttoned-up jeans and touch me, despite me saying no. They called it stubbornness and playing “hard to get” or a tease, I call it I don’t want to have sex with you because I don’t know you and I value my personal morals. I don’t know how many times I told them no, that no I didn’t wanna touch them back, that this isn’t what I wanted, and I don’t know how they stopped trying. At 18, I didn’t think much of it and didn’t walk out of their house scared. Uncomfortable, yeah, but not scared for my life. As I got older, I realized that one of the reasons it took me so long to reconcile this in my head was because I simply wanted to forget it. After a while, I dissociated from it. I felt like I was betraying the love I had for Person #1, but also I realized just how lucky I was to get out of that fucking house the way I did. Without knowing Person #3 that well, god forbid they could’ve assaulted me. Who really knows what could’ve happened?

I recall this day because it was the catalyst for a lot of my issues after that. I lied about it a lot of times when the topic was brought up – to the point where I couldn’t even remember my own lies. I was a scared, naive teenager that didn’t want the one person I loved to leave me. Let’s call a spade a fucking spade. Little by little, the truth would come out, but one thing stayed consistent in my story: I didn’t have sex with Person #3. I wish I was stronger back then to stick my ground and just have a “take me or leave me” mentality, but I really wanted this person to believe me not only because it was the truth, but because I didn’t want their image of me to be tarnished.

I vaguely remember 5 years later that I told the entire truth to them. I hoped that this day that I regretted since it happened would disappear and be a thing of the past, but somehow it came up at every chance it could. I thought that coming clean would end it for good. Mentally I was in a better place and I was a better person than my teenage years, but it never seemed like it was enough.

I found out years later that Person #3 spread some rumors about me. They said I did this, I did that, and that they took “Person #1’s bitch” from them. If it wasn’t bad enough, I now had to battle rumors similar to those that were spread while I was a teenager. For a while, I felt like I was just deemed this person that people thought I was and no matter how much I grew and learned from my mistakes and even took responsibility for my actions, it was never enough. This me was never enough because the version that was always lingered in my life. It followed me to my 20’s, and it followed me to this post.

I don’t blame anyone for what happened in my past. I’m not here to point fingers and say I turned out this way because of this person and this situation. I’m way more forgiving than I believe I am, but it doesn’t mean that I easily come to terms that I “deserved” for this moment in my past to follow me to the point where I felt like I always had to remember it minute-to-minute.

A lot of things happened during my 18. What happened because Person #2 and I is forgiven and let go on my end. I chose to let that and them go because it was time and it didn’t affect me the way it once did. It was about time I forgave them (not literally but figurately) for myself, own my responsibilities for my actions and dumb decisions, and it has officially become a thing of the past. Person #3, although I do not have contact or any means of communication with this person, is more of a situation rather than the person I need to let go of. I don’t give a shit about this person, but the situation at hand is one I’m slowly trying to work on and diffuse because it was something I was forced to carry for years on end. As for Person #1, I’m currently working on that forgiveness and letting them go figurately as we speak.

I write this not to expose anyone or to put people’s business out there. It’s my story to tell, and it’s something that I always wanted to talk about for the sake of my own mental health. I talk about it now because I know what my worth is. I know I’m not anyone’s property or territory, I’m not this lost chick that lost herself in the people around her years ago, and I’m not my fucking past. 

So this year, this particular month, I am using my voice to finally speak out on something that I kept ranting to myself for years on end. Don’t judge me for who I was, what I did, and for the journey that got me here. Judge me for the now, the present, and for the version of myself standing in front of you at this moment.

Here’s to the loudest voice I’ve had on “A Voiceless Rant”.

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Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: April 2020 Edition.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks not just for me but for the entire world. With COVID-19 rapidly spreading and the United States (especially New York State) being one of the hardest places that the virus has hit, it’s been nothing but rough, stressful, and frustrating not knowing what our next move is.

As I’m writing this, as a whole we are close to hitting 1 million cases of COVID-19, and by the time this is published on the blog only God knows how many more cases will there be, which is scary.

Before we continue, let’s introduce this month’s installment of:

voiceless rant

Personally, it’s kind of crazy how much I’ve digressed mentally between last month’s installment of this series and this month’s post. It’s made me realized just what keeps me happy, and it’s honestly having a routine and some productivity in my life. Having those two things allows me to concentrate on the task at hand and my present surroundings instead of being in my head 24/7, constantly overthinking things.

Now that those two things are now non-existent due to COVID-19, I find myself coming victim to what I expect to be what a lot of people are experiencing: depression.

The depression I am feeling feels very similar to the one I felt all of last year when I didn’t have the schedule and routine I depend on now. I was home for most of my weeks, I was unemployed trying to find a job that would hire me, and I had a lot of time to overthink everything and be inside my head for days on end.

Of course, I have to remind myself that no matter what, we will get through this — that I will get through this — and I’m not alone in this process. Not only do I not have control of what’s going on, everyone else is in the same boat, and the only thing we can control at a time like this is how we take care of yourselves. We can keep our mental health intact by making sure you are keeping in contact with the people you care for as well as keeping your mind as focused and concentrated as possible! Personally, for me, I try to keep in contact with my coworkers and very few friends here and there to just feel like my relationships aren’t being compromised during this pandemic and if that means that I have to make the first move and hit them up, then just so be it. 

Personally, I am keeping my mind focused and busy by writing. Not only am I writing letters for the blog, but I am getting around to start writing for the academic journal article that I started last year! Although this method isn’t for everyone (if you simply don’t feel motivated or well enough to pick up a new skill or work on a passion project, that’s perfectly fine) and remember that we are all different and we all cope differently! Personally, for me, I feel my happiest when I’m busy and productive and working on something or towards something. Because I control my emotions, I’m going to do what’s best for them.

I hope everyone is going through this scary time as taking care of themselves because honestly, that’s all we can control in life. Sure, things may not go our way and the simplest things are now some of the most stressful things to do, but we just have to go through the motions, and that includes how we react to whats going on around us and how we take care of our mental health as well as our physical health.

Stay safe, and take care!

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Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: March 2020 Edition.

Dear, guys – Welcome back to Letters From Liz!

New month, new letters, new adventures, and a new installment of:

voiceless rant

We are just jumping into it this month! 2020 thus far has been such a great year; between the new experiences I’m having, new milestones I’m hitting for myself, and the work I am doing to forgive myself and my past, it’s been bittersweet.

Back in January, I was able to go to my first Kpop concert by myself, in February I went out with some of my coworkers for a happy hour, and now in a couple of weeks, I’ll be traveling to Florida to see one of my closest friends, Tori, for the first time. It’s things like this that make me feel proud of the progress I’ve made within the last year; it’s crazy to think that this time last year I was just this anxious mess of a person that just felt really lonely for most of my days.

If I didn’t believe this before, I truly believe in it now: everything happens for a reason. My last chapter of life had to end in order to begin this new chapter. I started my job at the bookstore six months ago, I made some great friends in the process, gained some confidence when talking to customers, made moves to make new friends, and starting to work on myself, by myself, for myself.

Therapy has played a major role in this transformation, to be honest. As I mentioned a couple of hundred times, I’m using my therapy sessions to talk a lot about my past to diffuse the energy it still has on me so that I can learn to forgive myself and move on with my life. Since then, there have been plenty of opportunities that disguised itself as a fresh start and something new, but still had many of the undertones of who I was in my past and I really had to remind myself that I deserve better and I deserve respect, and not just from others but from myself as well.

Sometimes, I don’t remember the person I was because she feels like a distant memory. She feels like a different entity like she lived in someone else’s body and I only know of her by observing her from the outside. She feels like someone I haven’t known for a while, and maybe I haven’t – it has been a half of year already, but it doesn’t even feel like I’ve only known this version of myself for that short period of time.

I feel like I’ve known her my whole life.

I feel like this is the version of myself that I knew I was always supposed to be and wanted to be, and once I got here, I feel like I don’t know who and how I was before now. Sure, I know how passive I was and how anxious and depressed I was as well (and there’s always going to be parts of myself that have those traits embedded in me), but if I’m this far into this transformation, then I feel like I can do anything.

So, three months into 2020 and it’s going better than I expected. Of course, things can happen because that’s just how life is, but at least I’m mentally in a better place in order to handle whatever comes my way. I’ve had my fair share of really good years and thought that I was cured of the sadness and anxiety that I’ve always carried with me, not knowing that I was even carrying it around. This time will be different.

This time, I’m working on myself while trying to live my best life. I’m learning to break out of old habits so that this time around, I don’t allow bad things to affect me as severely as they used to. I want to learn how to process things as they happen, analyze them (as much as I can in a healthy matter) and ask myself what can I possibly learn from this experience to make me a stronger person. I have my whole life ahead of me, so sadness is inevitable. 

This time is different.

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