It was the perfect weather for a beach day today, and I could tell Pep was excited too. We ended up buying some overpriced blanket on the boardwalk; Pep also decided to spontaneously buy a swimsuit while we were there too. That part of Pep never changed; being random and spontaneous and doing things the way she wanted to do them. In a sense, it was one of the things that made Pep who she was, and I guess me following along with her antics was something that never changed about me.
We find a place on the sand to lay the blanket down; not too close to the water, but just close enough to smell the salt water from the ocean.
“I’m gonna turn redder than a tomato out here,” Pep commented, putting her sunglasses on. “You just get more tan the longer you sit in the sun.”
“What can I say; I’m Filipino,” I smiled, watching Pep roll her eyes. I looked around the beach, noticing the different types of people on the beach today. There were families with young kids building sandcastles as their parents sat underneath their umbrella. There were teenagers throwing each other in the water, laughing and screaming as they did. There were your local beachgoers laying face down on their towels, deepening their already dark tan.
And then you had me and Pep, just two random adults that decided that we were going to go to the beach.
We finally got ourselves situated on the blanket, taking in the scenery.
“I haven’t been to the beach this entire summer,” Pep began the conversation.
“Really? I’m shocked,” I reacted, looking at her now.
“I didn’t live close enough to the water back in NC,” she explained, applying sunscreen on her arms. “Also, time flies by when you’re trying to get your shit together.”
“No lie there,” I said, looking out toward the water. I looked back at Pep, who was also looking out at the water. The slight breeze went through her hair, making her curls stick out in every possible direction. I remember when she used to hate wearing her hair curly.
She finally looked over at me. “What?”
“Nothing,” I begin to say, stretching out my legs. “I’m glad you’re able to get your beach time before the summer is over.”
“Personally, I’m not ready for the summer to be over,” Pep sighed as she said. “It’s like when it ends, life gets serious again.
“Now you sound like you’re a public school teacher,” I smiled as I teased her. She rolled her eyes and shook her head.
“At least you know what you’re doing when the end of the summer comes. I’m here just twiddling my thumbs, wondering what my next move is going to be.” I looked at Pep intently, trying so hard to read her mind. Her next move? Was her coming back to New York just a stop on her travels?
“Well, what do you want to do?” I asked. Pep looked at me without saying anything. “Like, what is something that you want to do when the summer ends? Whatever that is, do it—”
“I don’t know, Mi,” Pep spat back, now seeming annoyed at the conversation.
“Why don’t you finish school?” I suggested, hoping that I didn’t cross any boundaries with her already. We just got on good terms.
“I don’t know—”
“Why not? Nothing is holding you back now from finishing grad school—”
“Holding me back now?” Pep repeated back. I shouldn’t have said it that way.
I took a deep breath, thinking about the words before I said them out loud. “I mean, you’re back home now and have the time to finish what you started back in—”
“Just stop talking, please?” Pep responded back. I didn’t say anything back, nervous that I just ruined her one beach day of the summer. Pep sighed, holding her knees up against her chest with her arms.
“I just feel like I’m stuck in time while the world keeps going,” she said, looking out to the ocean again. “Cullen died in May, and I’m still feeling like it all happened yesterday. I looked at Pep as she spoke, understanding where she was coming from. I knew what it felt like to be stuck in time, watching the world go by without a care in the world about what you’re going through. Imagine being 16 years old with your newborn son, mourning the loss of your girlfriend and mother of your child while learning what it was to be a dad still in high school.
“I don’t want this to sound cliche, but it gets better,” I finally said, hoping pep believed my words. “Time passes, and you will too once you’re ready.” I observed Pep, digging her nails into her legs, watching the gears in her brain tirelessly turn. “Is that why you were traveling the whole summer?”
She looked at me and nodded her head. “It was the only way to distract myself from the grief I was feeling, and going back home didn’t feel right yet.”
“Do you regret coming back?” I immediately let my intrusive thoughts win and ask the question. “Did you—”
“There’s reasons why I came back that I don’t feel comfortable sharing with you,” she confessed. Ouch. To hear that coming from the person you’ve known your entire life stings just a bit. I nodded my head, respecting her boundaries in this moment.
I sighed, now looking out toward the ocean. “Well, I’m glad you’re back.” Pep quickly turned her head to look at me, which prompted me to look at her. “And I hope that we can rebuild our friendship again, before life got serious.” Pep smiled, shaking her head playfully. She sighed as she finally got up from the blanket, reaching out for my hand.
“Come on.”
“What?” I said, now confused. Pep grabbed my hand and lifted me up from the ground. I forgot just how strong she was. She smiled up at me once I was on my feet, looking down at her.
“We came to the beach to have fun, and not take life too seriously,” she said, running towards the ocean water.
“Pep—” Before I could go after her, she ran into the water, splashing everything in her view. She turned around, waving her hand to come closer to her.
“Come on, scaredy cat!” Pep teased, kicking water in my direction. I stepped back, not wanting to get my clothes wet.
“Pep, I’m not wearing a swimsuit,” I began to reason with her. “We still have to hop on the subway and get back home after this.”
“You’re just afraid of the water,” She teased, smirking. “It used to take me pushing you into the water to finally get in it.”
“Yeah, well I’m an adult now—” Before I can even finish my sentence, Pep ran towards me, using all of her strength to pull me into the water. Instead of just walking into the water, I fell knees first into it.
“Pep!” I shouted, brushing my wet hair away with hands. All she did was playfully laugh. “Oh, that’s funny to you?” I said as I immediately splash water back at her. Pep gasped, looking at me.
“My hair!”
“My hair,” I mimicked, watching Pep look at me with a dumbfounded look on her face. “Don’t take life too serious, Pep.” She stared at me a little longer before she went in for the kill. She dunked my head into the ocean water; I quickly shot back up as she began to run away from me.
“Practice what you preach, Milo!” Pep said as she laughed, running away as I chased her. It wasn’t long until I grabbed her by the waist, tackling her into the wet sand. I looked down at her as she laughed, waving an imaginary white flag and surrendered. I couldn’t help but just look at her. This has been the closest we’ve been to each other for years.
I couldn’t help but take in her beauty. Her freckles always stood out the most during the summer; the sun loved her. And her smile, god her smile. I looked down at her as she looked up at me.
“I, uhm—”
“Oh my god, there’s a wave coming!” Pep said, looking out towards the ocean.
“Oh fuck!’ I quickly get up from Pep, pulling her arm to help her get up as well. We both run away from the ocean as the incoming wave splashed the back of our bodies. Pep laughed, putting her drenched hair up in a tiny ponytail.
“That would’ve been disastrous,” she commented, wrapping herself in the towel she bought. I smiled tightly, playing along with her.
“Super disastrous,” I added on, squeezing the excess water from my locs. Saved by the wave, Milo.
…
“Pep?” I answered the door, seeing her stand at my front door with a drenched umbrella. I could feel the summer humidity from the hallway creeping into the apartment. “What are you—”
“Since you never want to tell me how you really feel in person, I decided to save you the backstabbing texting and have you tell me straight up how you feel,” she immediately spat out. I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach.
“Pep, it’s 11:30 at night, and my son is asleep,” I scolded her, annoyed that she would show up, unannounced, ready to pick a fight. “And—”
“What? Don’t want your girlfriend to wake up to see who she chose to date?” Pep assumed. I scrunched my brow, feeling defensive now.
“You don’t even know what you’re talking about—”
“Just because you have commitment issues in your relationships doesn’t mean you can project them on mine with Cullen.”
“Commitment issues?”
“Yeah, you know the thing where you date all these different girls to fill the void that Gwen left behind when she died? That.” This wasn’t like Pep at all. Her eyes were dark and low; her pupils diluted.
“You’re drunk,” I concluded. “I don’t have time for this—”
“You’re jealous of Cullen and I. You’re jealous that I’m finally moving on with my life and getting married next year all while you’re stuck in your tiny apartment, wondering how the hell you’re gonna tell Marielle that you have to break up and make up some sob story that it isn’t her but you—”
“Yeah? You believe that?”
“I know it! That’s why you can’t stop talking shit about me with Danny, thinking you know me and Cullen’s relationship so well—” I grabbed Pep by the arm, pulling her into my apartment. I slammed the door behind her, pinning her against it. “Get the fuck off of me—”
“Let’s get a couple of things straight,” I began to say all in Pep’s face. “I don’t give a shit about your relationship with Cullen. As of matter of fact, I hope you soon realize that he’s marrying you not because he wants you to be his wife! He’s marrying you and taking you all the way to North Carolina so that you can tend to him every second of the day before he dies—” Before I could finish my sentence, Pep slaps me hard across the face.
I held my face, looking directly at Pep. She looks right back at me; I could see the tears form in her eyes, but her mouth beat her before she let out any type of sign she was hurt.
“You don’t love Marielle,” she simply spat back. “You never did. You never loved her, or Kennedy, or Diana. All you were trying to do was to see which one felt the most like Gwen! You didn’t want a girlfriend, you wanted someone for Milo to call mommy! Does Milo even know who his mother is? Has he even asked where the fuck she is?!”
“Fuck you, Pep!” I shouted, feeling the immense anger all in my body. It felt like I was talking to a shell of my best friend. It felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. This wasn’t the girl I called my best friend for 20 years; the one that helped me during the lowest point of my life when Milo was born and when Gwen passed away. The one that I told my deepest secrets to, the one I fought with out of love.
The one I’ve unconditionally loved through everything. She was gone. “Go home.”
“Fuck you, Milo. I can’t wait to get out of this fucking city and never have to fucking see your face ever again!” She turned around, twisting the doorknob to open the door. Without even looking back, she slammed the front door behind her. All I could do is stand there.
“Fuck!” I shot up from the couch, not realizing the TV was still on and that I fell asleep laying here. I looked around the apartment before catching my breath. I looked over at Milo’s bedroom door, which was closed.
I let out a deep sigh, getting up from the couch. I looked over to the front door of my apartment, remembering that night all too well.
Before entering my bed, I looked down at my phone for the time; it was 11:30 at night. I noticed a notification on the screen, seeing it was from Pep.
“Thanks for going to the beach with me today! It definitely felt like good times. <3” I smiled at the message, opting out to respond back to her due to the time. I placed my phone on the table next to my bed, turning the light off as I got into bed.
Letters From Liz. 