When Grace had left to Italy to see her mother’s last performances, I severely had trouble sleeping. It was like I needed to know if she was doing okay being away from her family after so long. The last overseas trip she was on was for the Ulsan dance production, which was the year prior. 

One night, I had a dream about a little duckling swimming on top of the pond. I fed the duckling some bread, watching it shake out its tiny feathers and peck at the floating piece of bread. The duckling cutely quacks and spends the rest of the afternoon being my buddy at the pond. Every time I saw that duckling in my dream, I was stunned by its presence. It was like I wanted to always be there with the duckling, the same way it wants to always be near me at the pond. 

It wasn’t long after until Grace finally came home from Italy, finding out we were going to have a baby.

I rushed Grace in the hospital, pushing her on a wheelchair to the emergency room waiting area. In there were people of many ages, and I couldn’t help but feel like we were going to be waiting here for a while.

I walked up to the nurses counter, giving her a slight smile. “Hi, I… uhm—“ I can hear Grace groan in pain at the corner of the waiting room. People were beginning to look at her. 

“My wife, she’s in labor—“

“Sign in please,” the nurse dismissed me and said, shoving a clipboard of all of the prior sign-ins.

“No, no; she needs to see someone now,” I emphasized, trying to get the nurses attention. “Her contractions are minutes apart—“

“You and everyone else in the emergency room have to follow the protocol,” the nurse spat back at me. “It’s on a first come, first serve basis.”

“Oh my god, the baby’s coming,” Grace wailed out. I turned around and walked over to her, beginning to get anxious. “Please—“

“Okay, okay,” the nurse buzzed open the door. I quickly pushed Grace to it, waiting the door slam shut behind us.

“We’re gonna be fine, Grace; everything is going to be alright—“ I feel a tug on my shirt, looking down at Grace. She seems to not be in a panic like she was just moments ago. 

“You sometimes have to,” Grace mentioned. I scoffed, amazed at what Grace is capable of even in midst of being in labor. 

It wasn’t long after that Grace got into a room and hooked up on the various machines around her. The doctor had mentioned that Grace was about 6 centimeters diluted. 

It was getting to be the late hours of the day, which meant that the engagement party was about to end. Grace lay in the hospital bed, napping after taking medication to manage the contractions. I sat at the other end of the room, next to the window on a chair.

“She’s okay, they just gave her some pain medication and now she’s napping,”. I said softly over the phone. 

“She’s napping right now, Sky,” I heard Shawn say away from the phone. “That’s good to hear. Did they tell you when Maki is suppose to come?”

“Grace has to fully dilate before they can set her up to deliver,” I explained, taking a deep breath afterwards. “Was the party okay?”

“Yeah, most people started to leave, telling us to wish Grace to get well soon. It was only me, Sky, Kevin, JooAh, her family and your family.” I could hear Shawn sigh before he spoke again. “They were asking so many questions and Sky became overwhelmed and told the families the truth. It took forever to calm everyone down.” I shut my eyes right before sighing loudly. “I told everyone you will keep us posted if anything happens.” 

“Thanks, Shawn—“

“Are you not scared?” He randomly asked me. “You seem so calm for a person whose first born baby will be here soon.” 

“I know, but I promised Grace.”

“Promised what?” Shawn asked.

“That I would be there for her, no matter what.” I stood by my word seriously, especially the more I found myself falling more and more in love with her. I knew I was allowed to feel everything like a human too, but I have to be strong for Grace when she can’t. “Between you and me, Shawn, I’m super nervous. What if Maki doesn’t like me? What if I can’t stop her from crying? What good I am if I cannot be—“

“A father?” Shawn asked, finishing the sentence. “Hyung, I think Maki already knows you’re going to be an amazing father to her.”

I couldn’t help but ruminate every single doubt I have in my body. Will I ever be able to be the father that my father was? What would I do differently about the things I didn’t like my father doing? Will my children be proud calling me their dad?

“I hope she knows just how much I already love her,” I said out loud rather than to Shawn. I look at Grace, sleeping peacefully as the various machines steadily beep. I look at Grace’s belly, realizing Maki will no longer be what her mother carried around for the last 9 months. Maki is going to love Grace.

“I think she does,” Shawn said. “Keep us posted, and here’s an early congratulations from me.” I smiled before saying goodbye to Shawn, hanging up my phone. I slowly walked back toward Grace, sitting in the seat next to her bed. She seemed to have been awake for some time. 

“Jagiya, you should be resting,” I leaned forward and said. 

“I couldn’t stay asleep for too long, all I kept feeling were the butterflies in my stomach.” Hearing Grace say that made my heart melt. Grace loves Maki so much already.

“Maki’s saying she’s excited to meet you,” I smiled as I said, holding one of her hands on mine, rubbing her belly. Grace scoffed as she adjust herself.

“I think she’s more excited to meet you,” she confessed, directly looking at me. “She’s gonna like you more than me.”

“I don’t believe that,” I sternly said, not liking the way Grace meant with that. “Right now, you’re the only person she knows. She actually has to meet me. She’s all ready to meet the person that carried her all these months.” Grace’s heart monitor literally skipped a beat. 

I held out my hand, placing mine into hers before I slightly squeezed it. “I’m actually nervous to meet her for the first time.” I confessed. 

“Jamie,” Grace cooed, feeling sympathetic. “She’s so excited to meet you.”

“Did she tell you that?” I teased back as Grace playfully rolled her eyes. 

“She always reacts to the sound of your voice when you enter the room,” Grace looked at her belly, caressing it. She smiled as she looked up at me. “She knows who you are. She knows you’re her appa.” I could feel the butterflies in my stomach now. I said nothing but kiss the side of Grace’s belly; a one final goodbye before we meet again.

…

The duckling revisited me in my dream. It swam directly to me, quacking in excitement. I kneeled at the edge of the pond, observing the baby duckling. The duckling fought until its two flippers were strong enough to hold its weight out of the water. I placed my hand out as it jumped into it, quacking in excitement. 

The sound of Grace’s moaning woke me up. At first I didn’t know what was happening until I remembered where I was. I checked the time on my phone; it was 3 o’clock in the morning, June 4th.

“Jagiya?” I called out, still half asleep. I finally snapped out of it once I heard Grace moan out my name. “Grace?”

“Where’s the nurse?”she instantly asked. 

“I don’t know, I just woke up—“

“I need the nurse, I need more pain medicine,” Grace said before letting out the loudest wail I’ve ever heard from her. It wasn’t long until the nurse came into the room, reading the numbers on the monitor.”

“Tell the doc she’s 10 centimeters dilated,” the nurse says to the assistant next to her. The assistant leaves, and the nurse walked over to one of the cabinets, taking out a surgeons gown. 

“Change into this while I get mom situated,” the nurse said to me with a smile on her face. I walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I could hear Grace’s muffled screams. I let out a deep breath, looking at myself in the mirror. These are the final moments before forever entering fatherhood. 

I put the plastic gown over my head, tightening the rope around my waist. I put the surgical mask over my face and give myself one final look. 

It’s time.

I opened the bathroom door and walked back to where Grace was. She reached out for my hand, which I prematurely gave her. I did not realize how much strength Grace has.

“Fuck, fuck, fucking shit,” Grace commented through her recent contraction. Her grip made my hand turn a dark purple the way she was squeezing it. “Where… is the… pain medicine,” she asked, wincing in between. 

“We already explained that it cannot be administered during active labor—“

“And I said I don’t give a shi—“

“Grace,” I said, getting her attention. 

“I can’t do this,” she shook her head as she spoke to me. “I can’t, I can’t—“

“You’re doing so great,” I praised her, distracting her from the doctor and nurse prepping the delivery. “She’s so close to being here.”

“When is she gonna come?” Grace asked through her clenched teeth. 

“Any minute now, jagiya.” I pulled my mask down and gently kissed her on top of her head. We both looked down at where the doctor was,looking at Grace and I. 

“Mom is fully dilated, and baby is getting in birthing position. Okay mom, I’m going to have you begin pushing in a few minutes, okay? Dad, I’m going to need you to comfort her through it.” I pulled her hair away from her face, dabbing her with a towel. 

Grace screamed out in pain, throwing her head back after every push she made. 

“You’re going a great job, Grace,” I said to her, petting her head. Grace doesn’t say anything back, she starts to push when she hears the doctor telling her to push. I didn’t think someone can squeeze your hand into numbness. Grace screamed after every push, wincing in pain. 

“Okay, baby is almost here, I need the biggest pushes you can make!” The doctor said out loud. Grace pushed hard and screamed even harder. I screamed along with her, feeling her cripple my left hand in real time. 

“Grace,” I tried pleading with her, but it was no use. Grace wasn’t hearing anything I was saying at this point.

“Alright, one more big push,” the doctor said to Grace. “1, 2, 3; push!” Grace yelled out one final agonizing scream and pushed. Moments later, Grace gasps out loud before flopping back on the bed. 

All that filled in the delivery room was Maki’s first cry. 

I watched the doctor lift Maki in her hands before handing the baby over to Grace. Grace bawls out crying, holding Maki in her arms.

“Oh my god, Jamie,” she cried out, looking up at me. Maki settled down once she felt Grace’s skin. My heart felt so incredibly full in this moment. Grace looked down at Maki and cried so many happy tears. Hearing Grace cry after seeing Maki made me feel super emotional. 

I leaned in and kissed Grace’s forehead. “Jagiya, jeongmal manh-i salanghae,” I said to Grace before gluing my eyes onto Maki. My first born. My daughter.

…

Grace’s body immediately gave out once the nurse took Maki to wrap her in clothing. She seemed to be asleep so peacefully, as if her body gave all that it could to bring Maki in the world, and now its reward is a deep sleep.

The nurse entered the room with one of the newborn beds, bringing Maki in the room. I felt my heart flutter seeing her. 

“Ahh, mommy is still sleeping,” the nurse said to Maki. She looked up at me and smiled. “But daddy’s up to say hello.” She began lifting Maki from the bed, turning around to face me. “I think it would be best if you and Maki also have some skin time.” I immediately sat up from my seat, unbuttoning a couple of them on my shirt. The nurse unwrapped the cloth from Maki before handing her to me. My skin felt hot as soon as I felt Maki on my chest. 

“Maki,” I cooed her name, watching her tiny fingers explore along my chest. Aigoo, she is the cutest thing. “Maki-ya.” I smiled as she cooed on my chest. “Appa is so happy to finally meet you.”

She had a mixture of Grace’s auburn hue and my jet black hair.  She had such wavy hair; something she inherited from her eomma. It wasn’t until she slowly opened her eyes that I saw it. Maki had looked exactly like how I did when I was a baby. Her eye shape slightly resembled her Korean roots, mixed with Grace’s Italian-American roots. She was a beautiful blend of both her parents. 

“You know, I’ve dreamt about you for a long time,” I said to Maki as I held her on my chest. “I dreamt of this moment right here, holding you for the very first time. It was everything I dreamt of it being.” I smiled as I looked down on her, feeling her fall into slumber in my arms. “There’s so much I’ve dreamt about in life, but I never knew you would be one to come true.” Maki cooed, her tiny vibration of my voice warmed my body up. 

“Aigoo, you’re already so perfect,” I looked down at her. “You’re going to make it so hard for me to say no to you.” This type of love feels so different than love I felt for my family, for my friends, and even for Grace. I thought Grace had me wrapped around her finger for life, not realizing there will ever be a person above her to do that. Maki’s got me good, jagiya.

It was finally the morning of what would be one of the most important days of my life.

It was unseasonably warm for the beginning of June, so running around and putting the last minute things together at the Ashmore apartment definitely made us sweaty and tired. Even Grace, who’ve I told a million and one times already that she is to not lift a single box that is too heavy. I didn’t care if I caught her roll her eyes at me as I walked by, all that mattered was that I keep Grace from doing anything that would hurt her. 

I started to grow impatiently waiting for Maki’s arrival. Grace’s belly had stood up high, which my mother kept telling me that meant she was due any day now. It got harder for Grace to be mobile these days, so keeping her in her place for the sake of her possibly going into labor was something we needed to look out for. 

Grace groaned as she tilted her head back on me. I stood behind her with my arms wrapped around her belly, lifting some of the weight off of Grace. Maki was surely a healthy baby, considering she actually was a little on the heavier side.

“Man, I needed this,” Grace said as she closed her eyes. I looked down at her, smiling as I kissed her slightly sweaty forehead. “I can’t wait to feel this light again.”

“Soon, jagiya,” I said as I kissed her cheek. Grace finally stops leaning on me, holding her lower back once she turned her body to face me. 

“I love her, but she has overstayed her welcome,” Grace commented, crossing her arms along her chest. “Everything hurts, I’m emotional, I’m exhausted, and I have to stop being all of that for this engagement party tonight.” I looked around the apartment, watching everything being set up in their places. We were the only ones standing in the middle of the room. 

“I know, and it’s okay to need a break from everything.” It’s been a challenge to not only get Grace to relax, but to also listen to instructions she was given. “But we’re gonna have a great time with friends and family, all here to celebrate us.” Grace smiled at me before leaning into a kiss on the cheek, followed by caressing the spot. She looks deeps into my eyes, and I start to feel butterflies like it was the first time over and over again.

Before anything else could be said, a knock is heard at our front door, in which I walked over to answer. It was Shawn and Skylar, already dressed up with engagement gifts in their hand.

“Grace!” Sky excitedly said as she gave Grace a hug. “Oh my god, you’re so ready to pop.”

“Don’t even say that,” Grace nervously said, hitting Skylar on the arm. “That’s the last thing I need to happen today.”

“She’s suppose to come in June, meaning any day of the month,” Skylar said in a sarcastic tone. Grace rolled her eyes, wobbling for way to the table to straight out the tablecloth. 

“Hyung,” Shawn said as he walked toward me. “Grace looks… huge.”

“Ya, that’s how pregnant women look like,” I scolded Shawn, hoping Grace wasn’t around to have heard that. 

“No, I mean… you sure Maki’s suppose to come anytime this month? What if… today is that day of the month?” Shawn asked. I can’t lie, it was a worry I’ve had for the last week. As the week went on, I started to notice Grace grunt and groan more than usual when doing her normal routine. As much as I’m anticipating waiting for Maki’s birth, I don’t know if I’m ready yet for everything to happen. My daughter being born, to then make me a father, and Grace as my daughter’s mother happening all at once. Aigoo, I already feel lightheaded.

Skylar and Grace sat at the kitchen island putting decorations together. Mollie walks into the common room area, probably surprised to see this many people already in her house.

“Oh! Hi Sky! Hi Shawn,” Mollie greeted her niece and nephew-in-law. “God, you two look so good together. 

“Don’t give him a bigger head than he has, Aunt Mollie,” Skylar teased, ultimately kissing Shawn on the cheek afterwards. I see Weston coming into the room with a bunch of things needed for the party. I immediately run to help him out. 

“Here, I got this,” I said to Weston, grabbing the top two containers of things that he was carrying, I placed it down on the kitchen table. “Thank you again for letting Grace and I have the party here. I really can’t thank you enough.”

“Nonsense,” Weston brushed off. “She’s our daughter.” I looked at Weston, daydreaming of the day that Maki comes to me wanting a party of her own. She’s going to have the cutest birthday parties. “Speaking of Grace, how is she?”

“She’s hanging on hard,” I begin to say as I decorated the opening doorway leading into the apartment. “Maki is taking her time.”

“She’s just giving you and Grace time to be fully ready for her arrival,” Weston suggested, handing me the banner to hang up. “She knows today is all about her mom and dad.”

“I hope that’s her reason,” I nervously replied back, finally putting the last piece of tape at the end of the banner. It reads, “Congratulations to Jamie & Grace”. 

My family were the next ones to arrive, which made me even more nervous. They observed the apartment as they were walking in; thankfully, Shawn walked over to them, greeting them with Skylar and kept them company alongside Kevin and JooAh. It wasn’t long after that Weston and Mollie walked up to my mom, officially shaking hands as they meet for the first time. My mom has a huge smile on her face; I was glad to see that she liked Weston and Mollie. 

Everything was going as planned. Our friends and family intertwine for the first time, making this party feel incredibly real. Grace is my soon-to-be wife. Everyone was getting along, enjoying the party with the music and little dance floor in the middle of the Ashmore living room. 

It doesn’t take me long to realize that it’s been a while since I last saw Grace. I had let her in the hands of my sisters, which my sisters were now just talking to our mom. I searched the apartment to see if I could find Grace, and it wasn’t long that I noticed her figure outside of the balcony located in her parent’s bedroom.

“Jagiya?” I slid the balcony door open before calling out for Grace. She towards around to look at me before looking back out to the city, leaning on the balcony railing. “What are you doing out here?”

“I had to get away from the noise for a bit,” Grace sighed as she answered. She looked up at me. “I’m fine.”

“I wasn’t questioning that,” I mentioned, observing Grace’s body language. “Should I be concerned?”

“Jamie,” Grace sighed as she turned her body toward me. “I’m just feeling overwhelmed. I think Maki can sense it.” She rubs her belly in small circles, trying to self-soothe. Something doesn’t feel right.

“Is Maki giving you a hard time?”

Graces scoffs before she answers. “When hasn’t she been giving me a hard time—“

“Ya”, I reacted, not liking how she responded. “Maybe you should come inside, get some air or something. It’s too hot to be—“

“If you think you’re going to be the one calling the shots in this marriage, you are wrong,” Grace spat out. I was confused, not understanding where this was coming from.

“Really, Grace?” I deadpanned, not in the mood for her shenanigans today. 

“If I’m out here getting some air, let me get some air,” she turned around, now looking at me. “I have a ton of things on my mind and the last thing I need is you telling me what to do.” Before Grace can finish her train of thought, she winces in pain, holding the side of her belly. 

“Grace?” I said in a panic. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Grace said through her teeth, letting out one final deep breath. “I already told you I came out here for air. Maki has been going at it all day, which is annoying me—“

“Whoa, you’ve been feeling like this all day?” I started to out two-and-two together, hoping it wasn’t what I thought it was. “What if something is wrong with Maki?”

“Nothing… is wrong… with Maki,” Grace spat out through meditated breathing. The signs were all there, but it took me a moment to realize what was happening. I walked over to Grace, closing the gap in between us.

“Grace, I need you to be honest with me,” I said in a low voice, looking down at Grace. “Are you in labor?”

“No, no,” she waved the thought off. I wasn’t convinced.

“It’s okay if she decides to come today—“

“She’s not.”

“You don’t get to decide that.” I looked down at Grace, never taking my eyes off of her. After staring her down, her hard exterior begins to break down, and her panic starts to seep in.

“She can’t come today, it’s the engagement party,” she winced in pain, rubbing the side of her belly. “It’s too early for her to come—“

“We have to get you to the hospital,” I began to say, about to go back inside the apartment. 

“Jamie—“

“We can get there on time so that you’re situated in a room before she comes, and—“

“Jamie,” Grace finally gets close enough to grab me by the collar tightly. She leans forward in pain, all while trying to have control of the situation. “Do you hear yourself? We are in the middle of our engagement party.”

“If you’re in labor, Grace; you’re in labor. Maki has so sense of time to know what is going on right now.” I looked at Grace, who gradually begins to breathe in and out her nose, clearly having contractions. 

Grace squeezes her eyes shut to endure the pain of the current contraction, being exactly 7 minutes apart. Despite what was going on, one thing remained certain: Maki has chosen today to be the day. I grabbed Grace by the arm, helping her hold her balance. Nothing else mattered in this moment. Maki was coming.

“Let’s get you back inside—“

“I don’t want anyone to know,” Grace said in breathy words, walking toward the balcony door. “Everyone is going to freak out.”

“We have to tell someone what’s happening.” I sternly said. “We have to tell Shawn and Skylar.”

“They are the worst people to tell!” Grace cried out, trying to manage the pain. Grace finally sits down on the edge of the bed, rubbing her belly. I quickly opened the door of the bedroom, scanning the apartment for Shawn. Thankfully, where there’s food, there’s Shawn.

“Shawn,” I quietly said, trying to get his attention. “Shawn—“

“Hyung!” Shawn said loudly, causing some people to turn their heads.

“Ya, keep it down!” I whispered out loud. Shawn finally moved away from the food, towards the bedroom door.

“What’s going on?” Shawn finally asked.

“I need you to do me a huge favor,” I started to say, trying to remain as calm as possible.

“Mwo? What happened?”

“I need you and Skylar to host the night,” I said, looking directly at Shawn. “I have to take Grace to the hospital.”

“The hospital?!”

“Shhhh!” I spat back, seeing the people look around now. “You have to remain calm.”

“Did something happen?” Shawn asked.

I let out a deep breath before I spoke. “Grace is in labor.”

“Are you serious?!” Shawn said out loud. I tried my hardest to quiet him down, but unfortunately it was too late. I see Skylar look up at us, now walking toward our direction. Aigoo.

“What the hell is going on?” Skylar asked us, seeming annoyed at us. “Where is Grace? Her parents are—“

“She’s in labor,” Shawn nervously confessed. I wanted nothing more than to slap some sense into him. 

Skylar’s eyes widen. “What? Where is she—“ Before she could even finish her question, Grace is heard groaning and moaning in pain. Skylar looked at me before she barged into the bedroom.

“Sky,” Shawn tried to stop his wife. Me, Shawn and Skylar walked into the room as Grace was at the edge of the bed, hunched over.

“Grace?” Skylar ran over to her cousin, kneeling down in front of her. “Grace—“

“I told you tell them, not to bring them here!” Grace said out loud to me. She immediately winces in pain. her contractions are getting intense. 

“We need you to host the party for us. Don’t say anything to anyone,” I stated to both Shawn and Skylar. 

“Your parents, her parents—“ Skylar began to say to me.

“They will find out once Maki is born.” I give Shawn a stern look, needing this to be done. Shawn nodded his head, understanding what I was saying.

“People are going to start asking where you guys are,” Skylar debated with me as she fanned Grace with one of her mother’s magazines. 

“Tell them Grace wasn’t feeling good so I took her to urgent care,” I responded, needing this to be executed in the smoothest way possible. “Just please don’t tell anyone about Maki coming.” Skylar seemed perplexed, until she sighed and nodded her head.

I hear Grace loudly moan in pain, leaning back on the bed.

“Jamie,” Grace groaned out my name. I had to get her out of the bedroom without anyone seeing her. 

“Come on, jagiya,” I said to Grace, lifting her up with my arm. “Remember to breathe.” Grace looked at me, mimicking my breathing. I brushed away Grace’s hair away from her face, wiping the sweat off from her forehead. 

Shawn turns his body to face Skylar now. “Baby, I’m going to need you to act like we’re in an argument. Once everyone looks at us, Jamie will take Grace out to the front door.”

“Are you sure this is going to work?” Skylar said as Grace whaled out a painful moan. 

“It’s going to have to work,” Shawn reassures his wife. It’s the first time seeing Shawn take control like this, and Skylar actually following through. 

Shawn opens the door, looking at me and Skylar. “You ready?” Both of us nodded, watching his next move. I shouldn’t have put too much faith in Shawn’s plan. 

Shawn throws himself out of the bedroom door, acting shocked. “Are you serious right now, Sky?” 

“I’m being dead serious!” Skylar said out loud, closing the bedroom door behind her. I grabbed my keys and wallet from my nightstand, then immediately tending to Grace.

“Jagiya, I’m going to need you to trust me,” I kneeled down at her, holding her fisted hands. “I will get you to the hospital before Maki gets here—“

“Jamie, I’m not ready,” Grace pleaded, letting out a deep breath in between contractions. “I’m not ready to give birth yet. I’m not ready for Maki—“

“But she is,” I reassured her as best as I could. “She’s ready to meet us.” I looked at Grace, analyzing every expression on her face. I can tell she was scared and see the initial shock that this was really happening. I could see the million of questions scan along her face. Doubting herself. Thinking she can’t be everything she dreamt of being. Not knowing how to feel once Maki is in our arms. 

“Jamie, I’m scared—“

“It’s okay to be scared, but we have to move fast,” I told her, looking her in the eyes. “Let’s go have ourselves a baby, Grace.” I let out my hand for Grace to help her up. She holds onto my open palm tightly, slowly getting up from the bed. 

I opened the bedroom door, watching Shawn and Skylar argue in front of everyone as they watched. I quietly sneak out through the front door with Grace, getting closer to meeting our baby girl. 

I’ve hid my mental health for most of my life, and working was the only way to navigate the messiness of it when it flared up. I never spoke about my declining mental health to anyone; it was something that was never brought up in conversation. Instead, conversations were always about surface-level topics; ‘what were we planning for the weekend’ or ‘how is the family doing’ and then go back to our regular lives. It was extremely worrying while I was in law school; only Shawn and Kevin were the only ones that knew how much I was struggling. It was at its worst when my father passed away, yet I had to be emotionally available for my family, now being the only man in it. Since then it’s been difficult for me to allow people in; to some extent with Grace as well.

Things have been rather quiet between Grace and I since our falling out last week. I definitely felt like I was walking on eggshells around her, worried that I was going to do or say something wrong. She carried on her days as normal, avoiding any conflict with me by simply not engaging in anything conflict based. I hated how we’ve become this couple, especially how close we were to Maki’s arrival.

…

“Hyung, it doesn’t work like that,” Kevin argued, sighing as Shawn readjusted himself in his seat.

“Yes it does! How are you going to tell me that the story was originally going to be one thing, and then all of a sudden, it changes! It’s a beloved series and the creator can’t just recon the plot!” Shawn slammed his hand on the table, making the glasses on top rattle in place.

“Ya,” I said, holding the bridge of my nose. “You’re going to knock over the glasses trying to prove a worthless point.”

“Ouch,” Shawn replied, sitting back in his seat. “Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, sighing. “I have a lot going on right now… I didn’t mean to be rude–“

“I get it,” Shawn began to say. “You have a terrible way of handling stress.”

“Is this about the engagement party?” Kevin asked me. That was the other thing: Grace and I were planning an engagement party barely on speaking terms, and the party was this coming Saturday.

“That and everything else going on.” I looked at Shawn and Kevin; the two people in my life who were more like my brothers than best friends. I confined in them during law school when things were getting bad; what made this time any different? “My head hasn’t been… well.“

“Mwo? Are you sick?” Kevin asked.

“No,” I sighed as I said. “I am having a hard time dealing with things lately to the point that I’m not doing well…mentally.” The guys didn’t immediately say anything, which was pretty normal. It was something that we didn’t talk about and haven’t talked about since law school. “Grace and I are not on good terms.”

“Hyung, what do you mean you’re not on good terms? You’re engaged,” Kevin pointed out. “You’re also having a baby together–“

“I know, Kevin,” I spat out, not wanting to hear all of the things that make this feel even worse than it already does. I looked at Shawn, who’s staying uncharacteristically quiet. “What?” I asked Shawn.

“Nothing.”

“Ya, malhae bwa,” I said to Shawn, telling him to spit it out already. “What is it?”

“I promised Sky I wouldn’t say anything–“

“Say what? What happened?” If there was one thing about Shawn it’s that he’s loyal to the ones he loves; his wife was of course on top of the list. “Did Sky say something?”

“No, Grace did,” he confessed. “When Sky saw me in the kitchen, she made me promise not to say anything–” Before Shawn was even able to finish his sentence, I grabbed him my the collar of his shirt into a fist.

“This is my life we’re talking about. My future wife, the soon-to-be mother of my child. I don’t give a fuck if you promised your wife to not say anything about my life.” Shawn looked terrified, and Kevin tried his best to separate both Shawn and me. I finally let him go as Kevin successfully got in between us.

“We are out in public,” Kevin scolded me. I kept staring at Shawn, feeling my blood boil the longer he stood shut.

Shawn straightened himself out before he said anything. “It is not my place, nor is it my business. How about you go and talk to Grace to figure it out?”

“How? She barely says anything to me when we’re home!” I yelled out. Kevin turned back around to face me.

“Hyung!” Kevin warned me.

“Sky recommended Grace to try couples therapy,” Shawn finally blurred out loud.

“Couples therapy?” I asked. The only knowledge I had about couples therapy was through pop culture, and even then most sessions depicted the women getting even angrier than when they first got there. “Why would Sky tell Grace to do couples therapy?”

“That I don’t know, but maybe Grace said something that was alarming to Sky.” It nearly killed me knowing that Grace was telling Skylar things that made her suggest something like couples therapy to her. Couples that resorted to therapy were only there because they were not able to resolve their issues on their own. What could have Grace possibly said to Sky that prompted that response? “Maybe you should try it.”

“For what? Grace and I don’t need couples therapy,” I protested. “We are just going through a rough patch in our relationship–“

“You and Grace don’t have rough patches, Hyung,” Kevin debated. “Your rough patches are catastrophic.” I looked at Kevin, hating the fact that there was some truth behind that.

“Besides,” Shawn intervened. “Maybe you’ll also feel better going to therapy. Sky has been going to therapy for the last couple of months and I can totally see the change in her well-being. Being in therapy here isn’t as jarring of a concept as it is back home.”

“Do you go to therapy?” I asked Shawn. He didn’t answer right away. “You don’t.”

“Sky’s issues were not about our relationship; yours are.” Again, I hate when Shawn is right. “I would hate to see things go bad for you and Grace after everything you guys been through.”

“I second that,” Kevin agreed. “Plus… we don’t want to see you go back to the place you were in at law school. That was tough for all of us.” I looked at both Shawn and Kevin, understanding where they were coming from. I remember those days; the drunken, depressed days locked in my dorm room, unable to juggle the many emotions I was experiencing.

…

That night, Grace and I sat at the kitchen table, eating Chinese take out for dinner. Nothing was said; Grace sat there and ate her food scrolling on her phone. The silence was killing me.

I slowly placed my hand over Grace’s phone screen. She quickly looked up at me. I let out a deep breath, trying to center my words.

“I think couples therapy would be helpful for us,” I said loud. Grace closed her lips tightly before sighing. Her silence will be the death of me–

“I’m gonna kill Shawn before Sky gets to him,” she responded.

…

My leg bounced in place as I sat next to Grace in the waiting room. I looked around the other couples in the room; some were definitely younger than Grace and I, and surprisingly some were older. Grace placed her hand on my lap, prompting me to stop. I looked at her as she gave me a tight smile. It wasn’t words, but I’d take her expression as reassurance.

“Mr. and Mrs. Kim?” One of the assistants opened the door leading to the rooms in the back. Aigoo. She signed us up under my name. Grace and I stood up and followed the assistant to a room where a lady stood and greeted us.

“Hi, welcome,” she smiled as she said. “Please make yourselves comfortable.” Grace sat closest to the therapist and sat right next to her on the couch, holding my knees with my hands. “I’m Dr. Briggs, but you may call me Kerri.” Grace smiled at Kerri, holding her belly as she adjusted her seat. I could hear my heart pounding from my chest.

“I’m Grace, and this is my fiancé, Jamie,” Grace introduced us.

“Oh! Well much congratulations are in order,” Kerri mentioned, looking at Grace’s belly. “Couples therapy isn’t just for older, married couples these days so I commend you both for agreeing to come today.” She pulls out her notebook and pen, giving us her undivided attention. “Let’s start with some basics on your relationship. How did you two meet?”

“We met a couple of years ago while Jamie was on a business trip,” Grace began to explain. She smiled as she recalled the beginning of our relationship, but took a deep breath when things got complicated. “We are in a better place now to handle some of the issues we couldn’t resolve when we were younger.”

Kerri nodded her head, then looked at me. “Would you like to add anything, Jamie?”

“Uhm, uh–” I coughed, as my mouth was extremely dry. I feel like I’m embarrassing Grace right now.

“Take your time, I know it can be difficult to open up about something so sacred,” Kerri reassured me. She smiled before leaning in her seat. “Is it hard for you to talk about sensitive topics?” I looked at Grace; she had this look on her face that was comforting. It was like she was telling me it was okay to open up. She wants me to open up for the sake of our relationship.

“I’m not from America,” I began to say. “I grew up in a culture where it wasn’t common for people to openly discuss topics like this.”

“Topics like what?”

“Mental health,” I finally said out loud. “I come from a family where we never spoke about these things openly to each other, so it’s been a challenge adjusting to the change now.” The more I spoke, the more comfortable I felt talking. This room was a safe space and no one would judge me for feeling the way I do. I looked at Grace, who has a perplexed look on her face.

Kerri immediately caught it. “How do you feel hearing Jamie say that, Grace?”

“A bit surprised,” Grace answered, rubbing that side of her belly again whenever she felt stressed or overwhelmed. “Jamie has never expressed that to me.” She looked at me now, speaking to me for the first time since we had that argument. “You could’ve told me that you were struggling.” Before I could answer back, Kerri interrupted. I wish she didn’t need to be in the room now that Grace was talking to me.

“How do you guys come to resolutions normally?” Kerri asked me. That was actually a good question.

“If Grace is upset at something that I done or said, I would apologize and take her feelings into consideration,” I answered. Kerri nodded her head, deep in thought.

“In these situations, do you ever feel like Grace holds herself accountable for the things she does or says that upsets you?”

“Yeah–“

“Who’s first to say sorry?” Kerri asked the both of us. “Raise your hand if you are the person that initiates the conversation after a disagreement or a fight.” I could sense Grace slowly turning her head in my direction as I slowly raised my hand. “Do you feel that’s true, Grace?”

“To some extent,” Grace spat out.

“Grace,” I said to her.

“You apologize only after you say some absolute, horrific thing that you probably believe is true–“

“I do not–“

“Whoa, whoa; step on the breaks,” Kerri intervened once again. “Let’s hear what Grace has to say before we react.” This is beginning to feel like a one-sided battle.

“I am the director and owner of a dance academy, and we just had our inspection of the building not too long ago. The building passed the inspection, but I wanted to move the space for awhile now, and decided to not renew the lease to the academy–“

“For awhile?” I repeated, now just learning of this information. “And–“

“Jamie,” Kerri scolded. “Let Grace finish.” I swallowed hard, feeling my face get hot.

“Jamie was upset that I didn’t discuss this with him first, but this is my business that I am responsible for, and–” Grace fidgeted with her fingers, clearly becoming uncomfortable now. “He accused me of choosing my career over my family.”

Kerri turned her head toward me. How the hell am I suppose to explain this to someone we just met 10 minutes ago? “How do you feel hearing Grace say that out loud?”

“Exposed–“

“Exposed?” Grace turned her head, seeming upset.

“Grace,” Kerri was now scolding her. “It’s Jamie’s turn to speak.” I guess this isn’t as one-sided as I thought it would be. “What prompted you to tell Grace she was choosing her career over her family? Was that something she has done in the past?” Kerri was cut-throat, needless to say.

I don’t immediately answer Kerri’s question. She nodded her head now looking over at Grace. Grace let out a deep breath, rubbing the side of her belly. Aigoo, maybe this was a bad idea.

“I have an older daughter with a different man that accused me of choosing my career over my family. I did. I was young and I didn’t know any better and–” Grace immediately reached over the table for some tissue. I rubbed the top of her leg to comfort her. It seemed to work, as she finally let out a deep breath before she continued speaking. “My mother chose her career over her family. She’s back in my life now as an adult, but I wonder if things would’ve been different if she came back when I was a kid… when I was too young to understand what was happening.”

“It’s a valid thought to have,” Kerri commented. “We grow up not wanting to become the people that hurt us the most, and we avoid it to the point that we unknowingly become those people.” Grace wiped her eyes with the tissue.

“Grace has been a huge part of her daughter’s life, despite what she may believe,” I defended her. Kerri was looking at me now, which made me nervous.

“Did you mean to say that she was choosing her career over her family this time?” she asked.

“I was angry, and I shouldn’t have said what I said–“

“But surely you must’ve felt like she was when you said it.” I looked at Kerri, becoming annoyed on how hard she was pushing this agenda.

“In that moment, it felt like she was making her career precedence.” I didn’t dare look at Grace, feeling like she was now giving me the death stare for saying what I said.

“Grace?” Kerri said, looking at her. “What comes up when you hear Jamie say that?”

“It’s upsetting,” she answered, wiping her face with the tissue. “It’s something I’m constantly judging myself for doing with my first daughter, and to hear the person I love confirm these thoughts make them feel even more real.” I felt horrible making Grace feel that way, especially so far along in her pregnancy. How could she confine in me when I am confirming her worst fears? “I mean sure, I didn’t sacrifice my entire life to be here, or to make this relationship work.” I turned my head to Grace. Sacrifice.

Kerri nodded her head. “What sacrifices has Jamie made for this relationship?”

“His entire life was in Korea; his job, lifestyle, family…” Grace took a deep breath before finishing. “Sometimes, I feel like Jamie’s sacrifices are what drives him to make decisions about our life without consulting me.”

“That’s not true–“

“Jamie,” Kerri warned me.

“I have to at least defend myself–“

“Defend?” Grace repeated, now looking at me.

“My decision to sacrifice my life back home does not equate to my decisions meaning more than yours–“

“It feels like it, Jamie!”

“How many times do I have to say that they don’t!” Before Grace and I continued to argue, Kerri blows a whistle, scaring the both of us into silence.

“Before this escalates, let me redirect your focus for a bit.” Kerri sighed before she continued to speak. “I see many couples come through that door on the brink of divorce, hoping that this will salvage their marriage in any way it can. You are not that couple.” Kerri smiles before she leans forward in her seat. “What I see are two people who are so much in love with each other, but are afraid to let their guards down because this is some what of unexplored territory for the both of you. Even when the conversations get tough, you are still rubbing each other on the shoulder for support. Most of my clients can’t even sit on the same couch as each other.” I looked at Grace as she kept her eyes on Kerri as she spoke. Kerri tightly smiled and points at me. “Jamie has had his eyes on you this entire time, Grace.” Grace finally looked at me and smiled slightly.

I wanted this to work out. It had to work out, after everything Grace and I have gone through. These should be the most exciting times for us, and we are both unknowingly making them the most challenging times. Making the decision to leave Korea was my choice, regardless whether or not Grace wanted the same things as me. It just so happen she did, and here we are now nearly two years later, engaged, with Maki on the way. I just want the best for all of us, and I know Grace does too.

“Jamie,” Kerri said to me, which snapped me out of my thought. “Have you considered that perhaps Grace made this decision on behalf of both of you because it’s actually the better in the long run for the both of you?”

“She did mention that the space she was looking at was closer to family, considering our hands will be full when Maki arrives.” Grace smiled at me. It seemed like she was happy that I listened to what she said when she first told me. I was just so caught up thinking the absolute worst. “I said what I said out of fear that Grace didn’t want…this.”

“Of course I want this,” Grace said as she reached for my hand. “I want every up and every down that this journey has for us.” She let out a deep breath, swallowing hard. “I shouldn’t have said that you were only benefitting from our decisions. Clearly, we wouldn’t have made it if one of us didn’t want this.”

“This is good work,” Kerri commented. “How about we change perspectives about these life and career decisions by allowing each other to plead their case. What would you both get out of this decision being made? Are they ultimately catered to one person over the other?” Kerri looked at Grace, prompting her to start. “Grace, you go first.”

“Well,” Grace began to say, trying to get her words together. “The academy is a family-owned business. My aunt had the academy in that same space for decades, and it worked out for her vision but I wanted more out of the academy. The space I found for the academy would be closer to my parent’s house; that way if any emergencies occur in real life, someone is close by to the academy.”

“What made you not include Jamie in this decision?” Kerri asked.

“I didn’t want to overwhelm him with more things,” Grace answered. Aigoo, Grace. “He’s had so much on his plate with me, Maki, his own career… I truly thought this could’ve been something that I dealt with for the sake of our future after feeling like…”

I looked over at Grace. After feeling like what?

“… I haven’t been a part of the decisions regarding us. I allowed Jamie to make them because I was too afraid to tell him what I wanted.”

“Jagiya,” I finally called her by her pet name, gripping her hand in mine. “Tell me what you want.” All I wanted was for Grace to tell me what she wanted unapologetically. I just wanted to hear her say what she wants out loud not for validation, but just confirmation that in the end, she wants me just as much as I want her.

“I want to feel a part of the process,” Grace finally said. “This is truly my second chance at a life I knew I always wanted. I want my career, and I want my family. I want Willow, I want Maki, and I want you.” It felt euphoric to finally hear her say it out loud.

“And it’s okay to want both,” Kerri added. “It’s about balancing them out, and to be not afraid to ask for help with one when the other gets overwhelming.” Grace let out a deep breath, rubbing the top of her thighs with her hands. Kerri looks at me now. “The same goes for you too. Part of making things better for your relationship is to be openly honest about what you’re struggling with. You can only give so much to Grace if you’re not able to take care of yourself. It’s okay to not be okay; what’s not okay is pretending that it’s not.”

…

“Nonna, why wouldn’t you book the hotel before getting the plane ticket,” I said to the phone leaning on my shoulder as I start getting ready for class this afternoon. “We can’t house all of you in the apartment–” I hear the kettle on the stovetop ring, in which I ran out of the room to turn it up. “Mina, I know eomma doesn’t want to stay at the hotel but–” I shut my eyes tightly, feeling immensely stressed out. I look up to the ceiling before I looked back down, noticing Grace was now in the kitchen. “I have to go; I’ll call eomma later today; if not, tomorrow.” I hang up the phone and let out the deepest sigh. Grace walked to me and gently held my cheek with her hand.

“Jagiya–“

“Ya,” Grace interrupted, smiling. “You go to your class, and I’ll call Mina back.”

“You don’t have to–“

“Hey,” Grace scolded me, ultimately silencing me. “I got this.” She gave me a reassuring smile before she handed me my bag for work.

“Thank you,” I said, kissing her on her forehead.

“You what?” Grace asked, moving away from me on the bed. Her brows were scrunched together, livid to hear this confession come out. “Jamie.”

“I should’ve told you—”

“So let me get this straight,” Grace began to say, sitting up now with her hands pressed together. “You were so mad at me for not including you on a decision that has nothing to do with you, all while making this huge decision behind my back?”

“It wasn’t behind your back,” I quickly defended. “It was supposed to be a surprise.” Grace quickly got up from the bed, clearly wanting nothing to do with me in this moment. I sighed, getting out of the bed to follow her outside of the bedroom. “Jagiya—”

“Don’t.” She turned around and looked at me; her eyes mixed with both anger and hurt. “How could you go behind my back and secretly look at apartments without me? Why is it that it’s okay for you to make big decisions without consulting me, but when I do it, now my intentions are being questioned?”

“The decisions I make are for our future, Grace; not some fantasy that will only benefit myself,” I spat out, not realizing the severity of my words. Grace gasped, turning away and walking back into the bedroom to avoid talking to me. I was lucky that this was only an one bedroom apartment, and she wasn’t able to walk away too far from the discussion.

“Grace, wait—”

“I’m tired of you feeling like every decision you make has both of our best interests in mind when clearly they only benefit you.”

“Benefit me?” I yelled back. “How is trying to build a better future for us only benefitting myself?!”

“You made all of these decisions about our life when you were ready to make them! You decided to propose to me when you were ready! You decided we could have this baby when you were ready! You decided to leave your entire life behind when you were ready!”

“I left my life behind for you, Grace! What part of that don’t you understand?!” I was growing angrier the more we spoke about this. I could admit it was wrong for getting mad at her about the academy all while I was looking up apartments, but what bothered me is that she began to make it seem like I wanted this life for us more than she did.

“I never told you to leave your life behind for me, Jamie! You made that decision because you were ready to make that decision!” Grace’s eyes began to water looking at me, but she didn’t dare look away from me.

“Then tell me,” I began to say. “What do you want?”

“What?”

“What do you want, Grace? Because I’ll tell you what I want. I want to go to sleep and wake up next to you. I want to share a bathroom with you in the morning while I shave and you fix your hair. I want to run errands and explore the city with you no matter how mundane they are. I want to sit on the couch on a rainy night and watch all of the mindless, reality TV shows that you like with you. I want to start a family with you. I did everything that I did; leave my family, job, and life back in Korea because I want to be with you.” All I wanted was for Grace to tell me the same thing. I wanted to hear Grace simply say she wanted the same things with me; that she wants to build this life with me just as much as I wanted to build it with her.

Instead, she didn’t say anything. She just stood there, looking directly at me. She cleared her throat as she looked down at her belly, sniffling as if she was holding back tears.

She looked back up at me. “I’m going to Skylar’s.”

“Grace–“

“I need some space to breathe, Jamie. Please,” she pleaded, holding the side of her belly once more. I didn’t say anything else, knowing she needed this space for both herself, and our daughter.

She walked passed me, going into her closet and took out an overnight bag. I watched as she packed her things, feeling Grace slip through my fingers.

…

Shawn came over early the following morning, which I wasn’t surprised it actually wasn’t sooner considering the circumstances. I answered the door, and instead of saying something witty to greet me, he stood there uneasy.

“Hey, Shawn,” I said, letting him enter the apartment.

He sighed as a response. “What happened, hyung?”

“Is she okay?” I ignored his question, needing to know how Grace was doing. “Is she and Maki okay?”

“Grace is fine,” Shawn answered, sitting at the kitchen table. I sat in the seat across from him. “She was really upset when she got to us last night though.”

“Aigoo,” I said, holding my head with my hands.

“I don’t want to make you feel even worse–“

“Then don’t,” I spat out.

“No, Jamie.” I looked up at Shawn, reacting to the way he said my name. “Grace is about to have your kid any day now. You can’t just turn back and let her leave like last time.”

“I told her everything that I wanted for us, Shawn. I told her countless times that I was here to be with her, and—” I let out a deep breath before I continued. “She never told me if she wanted those things too.” I looked up at Shawn, trying to piece together everything that happened yesterday. “What if she really is choosing her career over me? What if I came back too late? What if she stopped wanting us to be together?”

“You think she wouldn’t want to be with you anymore?” Shawn asked.

“I don’t know, Shawn; but she made some valid points. I made all of these decisions because I thought that she wanted this.” I can’t help but think that Grace was thinking about ending things. I couldn’t stand the fact that there was a possibility that I wouldn’t be with my daughter 24/7, under the same roof with Grace.

“Then you need to ask her—”

“I did, Shawn!” I was growing frustrated now. “I asked her what she wanted and she ran to her cousin’s house. What more of an answer do I need after that?”

“Give her some time to think!” He shouted back. “You should know Grace better than all of us. You should know where her heart truly is if you love her, hyung. If you do, then she will come back with your answer.”

You should know where her heart truly is if you loved her. Those are the words that circulated my mind throughout the day. Something so simple felt impossible to figure out. I should know Grace well enough to know when she was internally struggling with something. I should’ve seen how hard she was trying to cope with everything speeding towards her these last couple of months. I refuse to believe Grace didn’t want this; didn’t want us. But this was unexplored territory, and I had no idea how to read Grace.

…

I walked down the hallway and stopped in front of an apartment door. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Mollie answered it this time.

“Jamie,” she said, seeming surprised.

“Hi, Mollie–“

“Is this about Grace?” she interrupted. Just like Grace, her mom immediately went straight to the point. I nodded my head as my response while Mollie opened the door wider. I walked in as she closed the door behind us. “Make yourself at home.”

I slowly walked into the living room area, sitting down on the couch. I looked at the coffee table, seeing the baby picture of Grace I noticed when I was last here with Weston. Baby Grace had a huge smile on her face, wearing a baby blue tutu while Mollie held her, wearing what looked like dance attire for a show. I couldn’t help but smile at the picture. Mollie walks into the living room with two cups of tea, handing one over to me.

“Thank you,” I politely said before sipping the tea. Mollie placed her cup on the table, crossing her legs as she sat across from me. “And thank you for talking with me.”

“If you were anyone else, I would’ve told you to fuck off,” Mollie bluntly admitted. I swallowed hard, not saying anything back. “But despite what you two are going through, you still mean very much to Grace.” It was nice to hear her mother say that, and it made going into this conversation easier than expected.

“She means the absolute world to me,” I began to say, followed with a sigh. “Which is why it was important for me to directly talk to you.”

She seemed surprised. “Me?”

“She looks up to you,” I confessed. Mollie seemed to be speechless, not saying anything back in return. “But she’s having a hard time expressing what she wants because…” I didn’t know how to say it politely. How do I tell her mother that Grace still struggles with her abandonment all these years later? I sighed before spitting the words out. “She fears that she wants her career more than her family. All she knows to do is having to pick one over the other, and I fear she’s chosen her career.”

“Did she tell you that?”

“She didn’t have to,” I responded. “Her actions speak louder than her words, and I fear…” I let out a deep breath before continuing. “She’s only following along the dreams I have for us.”

“That could very much be true, Jamie.” I hated that her mother was agreeing with me. “She grew up with parents that chose one over the other. Her father had to sacrifice a part of his career to take care of Grace, and I sacrificed my family in order to find success in my career.”

“I don’t want her to have to choose,” I pleased out. “I want her to know that it’s okay to want different things at different times, and both can coexist in her world–“

“I think there’s a part of her that knows that,” Mollie interrupted. “You guys are living together, engaged, and expecting a child together. Her sacrifices may not be as blatant as yours, but she has sacrificed parts of herself that she never did with anyone else in her life… not even for Willow.” I never thought of her sacrifices being silent as they’ve been. Maybe she’s been sacrificing herself this whole time, and the academy was her way to prevent losing something valuable. Grace was never ungrateful; she’s just been silently struggling to accept that love comes with sacrifice.

“Excuse me if this is too personal, but… did you feel that way when you had Grace? Did you want that life for yourself?” I asked. I felt embarrassed once I saw Mollie scrunch an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, that’s–“

“Don’t apologize,” Mollie smiled as she said. “But that’s a truth of mine that Grace doesn’t need to know.” My heart ached for Grace. To sense that even at a young age, she had to grasp with the fact that she was never a part of what her mom wanted.

I nodded my head. “That’s what makes Grace different,” I said. She always wanted Willow. She always made her one of her priorities, despite what she believes. Aigoo, she always wanted Maki, even since the very beginning.

Mollie sighed, fidgeting with her fingers. “Grace will never believe me when I say this, but I look up to her more than she thinks. Grace isn’t perfect, but she has done more than I ever did at her age.” Mollie smiled, grabbing a tissue from the coffee table. “Her silence does not mean she doesn’t care. She’s simply trying to unlearn everything she believed was true love growing up. I know she’s probably scared as fuck to admit that no one has loved her the way you love her.”

…

I opened the door of the apartment and placed my keys in the dish next to the coat rack. I looked in our living room and blinked, thinking I was now hallucinating.

Grace turned her head as she sat on the couch, looking directly at me.

“Grace,” I dropped everything in my hands and walked over to her. She got up from her seat.

“Jam–” Before she was able to finish, I pulled her in a hug, digging my face in her shoulder. Smelling her conditioner. Feeling her belly pressed against me. Her skin velvet soft.

“Jagiya,” my voice cracked, feeling hot tears stream down my face. “Mianhae. God, I am so sorry–” It was now Grace comforting me, rubbing small circles along my back.

“Shhh,” Grace whispered to me, easing me. “Gwaenchanhayo.”

By the time Grace and I got home from the hospital, it was 1 o’clock in the morning. I opened the front door, turning the lamp on in the living room as I walked Grace to the couch. She didn’t fight, nor did she say anything to me on the ride home. She sits on the couch, placing her hands under her belly.

When we got to the hospital, the doctor ran a couple of tests on Grace to determine if she was about to go into labor. After what felt like hours waiting in the waiting room for some sort of update, the doctor walked out with Grace sitting in a wheelchair, confirming that tonight wasn’t going to be the night Maki would come. It was a false alarm due to immense stress, which I felt highly responsible for causing.

After placing our things on the kitchen counter, I went ahead and sat next to Grace on the couch. Silence fills the room.

“I’ll go to the pharmacy tomorrow and pick up your prescription,” I began to say.

“Thank you,” Grace simply said, not looking at me. I shut my eyes for a moment, knowing this was possibly one of the scariest nights I’ve had with Grace to this point. I sighed, rubbing my eyes before opening them back up.

“Grace,” I began to say. “Jagiya.” The name felt foreign in my mouth, having not called her that for the entire night up until this point. “I’m—”

“I know,” she simply said.

“I’m sorry for what I said to you tonight,” I continued to say, despite Grace not wanting to hear it. “For causing this to happen.” Grace finally turned her body to me. I couldn’t help but place my hand on top of her belly, feeling absolutely grateful the worst did not happen tonight. “I shouldn’t have said what I said. It wasn’t true—”

“There’s always some truth in the things we say,” Grace softly responded. She sighed before looking directly in my eyes. “Maybe there is some truth behind it.”

“Grace—”

“I’m not this perfect woman you think I am. I make mistakes, I do things without thinking them through. I want things that I shouldn’t.” She took a deep breath before she continued. “I want to build my legacy and build a life with you. I want both.” Grace has had a hard time balancing her career with her life for as long as I’ve known her. These last months have been extremely hard knowing she probably feels like she’s now having to choose between what success looks like for her versus what it truly is. She grew up not knowing her mother, to finding out just how much of an impact she has made in her career. Even after everything Grace has been through, she still sees her mom as the role model of what her life should look like. Jagiya, if only you knew how much more capable you are to balance everything out; something your mother could not do.

“Wanting both does not make you a bad person,” I began reassuring her. “It’s… normal. You want success both professionally and in your personal life. We all do.”

“But most people don’t question the importance over the other. Most people will say their family is the most important thing in their lives, but me—”

“For you, it still is just as important.” I looked at Grace, taking her hand and placing it on top of her belly, overlapping my own hand now. “You’ve been taking care of Maki this entire time, all while taking care of the academy.”

“But you said I was choosing one over the other—”

“I solely spoke out of anger, and I shouldn’t have said it.” I never believed that Grace was choosing her career over her family, even before Maki came into the picture. Grace has been scared to admit that sometimes, her career is her comfort zone; it’s the space that she feels the most confident in because she does it extremely well. Grace simply goes back to thinking about her career when things in her personal life get overwhelming. “I felt angry that you were making a commitment without expressing it to me first. I understand the academy has always been yours, but what you decide to do with it affects the other parts of your life.”

“I was only thinking about what the academy could do for us in the future,” Grace confessed. “A bigger space meant we’d get more dancers there, sure, but I wanted something closer to the city, closer to Willow, and closer to home.” Grace was now the one grabbing my hand, placing my open palm on the side of her belly. I could feel Maki up against Grace’s skin. Aigoo.

“I was simply afraid that you wanted your career more than this,” I whispered, feeling the knot form in my throat. I coughed it out, sniffling away any tears that were planning to fall. “I lost my last moments with my father because I chose my career over my family. That’s what I live with each day, thinking what if I just let myself put my family first in that situation… would I still carry this burden not knowing if my father’s final thoughts were how selfish his son was.”

Grace placed the palm of her hand on my cheek, wiping away the tears that had escaped from my eyes. I looked up at her as she looked at me, giving me a reassuring smile.

“He would be proud of his son for every decision he’s made to this point,” Grace responded, caressing my cheek with her hand. “He would be so beyond proud of the man you’ve become.” She sighed before she took her hand away from my face. “All I thought about tonight was Maki. I was so afraid something bad happened to her, and all I could think about was how selfish I was for not putting her first. I was scared that my carelessness would cost us, and I don’t know if I could live with that guilt if something did happen to her.”

“Maki knows when her eomma is stressed,” I added. “But she’s also just as strong as her eomma.” Grace smiled, finally leaning her back on the couch, relaxed. “So, about the–“

“Ya,” I quickly said, getting up from the couch. “Let’s get some rest and revisit these things tomorrow.” I held out my hand for Grace, which she quickly grabbed as I helped her up. I looked at Grace as she stood there, and I immediately pulled her in for a hug. I hug her tightly, digging my chin in between her neck and collarbone.

“I love you, Grace.” She slowly lets me go, looking up at me.

“I love you too, Jamie.”

…

The rest of the week was as normal as things can be between Grace and I. Grace spent most of her day getting things ready in the nursery, while I taught my classes online in the other room. We haven’t spoken much about the other night; a apart of me is grateful that we were able to move past it, but the other part of me is worried that Grace was silently ruminating about it. I was silently ruminating about it.

After my lecture, I walked out of the bedroom to see Grace sitting on the couch, scrolling through her phone. She looked up at me and smiled.

“I didn’t want to interrupt you during your lesson,” Grace began to say as she got up. “Sky invited me for lunch, even though I suspect this is more of a ‘maid of honor trying to get some things checked off the wedding list’ type of lunch.” I smiled, knowing exactly that was Skylar’s intention. If anyone has been more excited about Grace and I’s engagement, it’s been Shawn and Skylar.

I kissed her on the forehead, coming in for a hug. “You could’ve came in, jagiya. I wouldn’t mind the sight.” Grace scoffed, lightly hitting me on the arm before walking into the bedroom. I followed her as she went through her closet.

“I would prefer to not give your college students a sight to see,” Grace responded, smiling as she sorted through her clothes. “Maybe you and Shawn should plan something for the day.” Grace turns around when I don’t respond. “Jamie?”

“Maybe I should stay here… just in case something happens.” Ever since that night, I’ve been terrified of being away from Grace. I was grateful to have been there at the cafe with her when the scare happened, but I couldn’t help but think it happening again when I’m not near. Grace places her clothes on the bed and walks to me, cupping my face with her hands.

“I’m going to be fine, Jamie. Sky will be with me.”

“I know, but still,” I looked at her, feeling uneasy. “Maki’s unpredictable, just like her mama.” Some slight humor lightened up the mood as Grace playfully rolled her eyes at me. She kisses me on the lips before grabbing her clothes from the bed.

“I’ll make sure she behaves; she knows how crazy Aunt Sky is,” Grace mentioned, cocking her eyebrows up. I think Maki has an idea of how crazy her family already is. “Oh, can you do me a slight favor while you’re out?”

“So you’re actually sending me out?” I playfully asked.

“Yes, and I’m not taking no for an answer,” Grace begins to get dressed, pulling the dress over her head as it slid down her body. I walked over to her, helping her zip up the dress from the back.

“Okay mom,” I teased Grace, grabbing her sneakers from the shoe rack hanging from the closet door.

“I need you to pick up the personalized items from the printing shop,” Grace said as she sat on the bed. I kneeled down, helping her put on her shoes. “Make sure you send me a picture of them before you leave just in case they need to be redone.” I smiled up at Grace, tying the last of her laces on her sneaker. Grace and I have been actively learning how to work on things together as a team, especially everything related to the engagement party in two weeks. We compromised that right now we should focus on two things before we focus on the other things: getting Maki’s nursery ready, and planning accordingly for the engagement party. Grace was the planner, and I was somewhat of the delivery boy, getting every ridiculous thing she wants for this party. I don’t mind though the more excited she becomes when doing her online shopping.

“Okay jagiya,” I agreed, standing up from the ground now. “You must promise me something though.” I leaned into Grace, our lips almost touching. “You’ll call me if you’re not feeling well.” Grace puts her fingers against my lips as I tried to lean in for a kiss. She tussles my hair as she gets up from the bed, looking in my eyes.

“Okay, dad.”

…

“Hyung,” Shawn deadpanned. I looked up from my phone, seeing Shawn raise an eyebrow up. “Are you okay?” I sighed, placing my phone on the table at a luncheon place Shawn has been dying to try. I believe he said that they had a variety of Maki rolls he wanted to try.

“I’m sorry, my head isn’t all here,” I admitted, leaning back in my seat. “All I can think about is Grace.”

“You can get down and dirty with her when you’re back home–“

“Ya,” I reacted, shutting my eyes momentarily. “Not like that. What if she gets sick or something? What if Maki’s like, ‘nope, I feel like coming a couple of weeks early!’ What if–“

“Grace would’ve called you if it was going to happen, hyung.” I look at Shawn, not completely convinced. “You’re just going to stress yourself out, which will stress Grace out, which–“

“I get it, Shawn,” I spat out, rubbing my eyes together. “I’ve been trying so hard to be strong for the both of us, but it’s been much easier to say than done.”

“I could only imagine that’s normal it being your first time becoming a dad,” Shawn said, sipping his iced tea. I opted for the sparkling water, trying to stay away from the caffeine a bit. “You got to give yourself some grace… no pun intended.”

“I’m more worried about Grace,” I admitted out loud.

“Mwo? Why?”

I let out a deep breath before confessing out the truth. “Grace and I had an argument the other night; a bad one.”

“Every couple fights–“

“Not the way Grace and I do,” I responded back. “I accused her of caring about her career more than her family.” Shawn winced.

“Ah, hyung; even I know that’s something you don’t say to Grace, especially being super pregnant. How did you even get to that point?”

“She’s not renewing the lease for the studio. She’s been secretly looking for other spaces.”

“The same way you’ve been secretly looking at other apartments to live in?” Shawn mentioned.

“That’s different,” I argued back. “We are living out of a one-bedroom apartment; one room that’s a makeshift one for Willow.”

“But have you spoken to Grace about wanting to move in a bigger space?” I don’t answer, hating the fact that Shawn is right. “Hyung, you can’t call the kettle black.”

“Shawn,” I sighed. “You mean, ‘the pot calling the kettle black‘.”

“That,” Shawn said nonchalantly. “You can’t be upset that Grace was secretly looking at studio spaces when you were secretly looking up apartment spaces. You both are looking up spaces without letting each other know.”

“Grace shouldn’t have to worry about looking up apartments with me; that’s my job–“

“The same way upholding the academy is her business,” Shawn debated with me. “Not to make you feel worse, but…didn’t her ex make her choose between her career and her family when she had Willow?”

“I’m not making her choose one over the other,” I quickly defended myself. The last thing I needed was my best friend telling me I was no better than her ex; the same ex she was previously engaged to when she was pregnant with Willow. “I just want her to realize that love sometimes means that we have to sacrifice–“

“Ah!” Shawn slammed his fist on the table, making a loud thump. “That’s it!”

“What’s what?”

“You feel like you’ve sacrificed more than she has.” Shawn stated. “You feel like she’s not willing to sacrifice her career the way you sacrificed yours.”

“She retired from elite dance to be here with me–“

“And you’ve left your family in Korea, your job in Korea, your life in Korea to be with Grace. I get that you think Grace can do no wrong in your eyes, but you know it’s not right feeling like the love is one-sided.” I think about what Shawn is saying, remembering the first time he brought this up on the night before his wedding. What has Grace sacrificed to show you that she wants what you want? It was something absurd at first, but maybe deep down I felt there was some truth behind Shawn’s words. I know Grace loves me, but does she love me more than her career?

“Ya,” I simply answered, not knowing what to say.

“You want my honest opinion? Grace is undoubtedly in love with you, hyung. You already know that though. But she also loves you. And that is probably freaking her out, on top of juggling everything you’ve thrown at her within the last year. She’s having your first child. She said yes to your proposal. In a matter of months, she went from being your girlfriend, to the mother of your child, and your fiancée.”

“What are you getting at, Shawn?” I asked, impatient for the answer.

“Grace is probably using the academy as a shield to avoid all of things that are scaring her,” Shawn said. “That’s why it probably feels like she’s not willing to sacrifice for love. She’s never gotten this far before.”

She’s never gotten this far before.

…

Grace and I spent the night in bed. I look over to her as she browsed on her tablet. I looked over, seeing her browse through wedding dress photos. Moments after, a test message comes through her assistant at the academy.

"Hey Grace; the owner of the studio space in Midtown is in town this week - she's looking to set a meeting sometime this Thursday--" 

She quickly swiped up the notification.

“Jagiya?” Grace turned her head to look at me, giving me her attention. “I…I have to tell you something.”

“What’s wrong?” Grace asked, placing her tablet down on her side of the nightstand. Her hand immediately travels to the side of her belly, rubbing it in small circles.

“I haven’t been completely honest with you,” I began to say. Before Grace is able to react, I spat it out. “I’ve been looking up apartments for us to move into.”