The Junior Journals.

Mindlessly Wandering: Mollie’s Journal.

Screaming girls fill the entire arena; some hold up signs with vulgar sayings, others are wearing little to no clothing, dancing along to the band playing on stage. I make my way through the crowd of girls, getting lost in the middle of it all. As soon as I make it toward the front of the stage, I looked up at Aaron, playing his guitar and singing his number one hit single. I shout his name, but he doesn’t look down. He doesn’t hear me, no matter how loud I scream for him.

“Mollie!” I shot up from my bed in a panic, taking a deep breath before gathering myself. “It’s time to wake up for school!” I sighed, getting up from my bed and throwing my uniform on, followed by a zip-up hoodie. I looked in the mirror, noticing the beast that is my hair at its current state. It’s a ponytail type of day.

I walked down the stairs, seeing Milo sitting at the kitchen table.

“Thanks for the breakfast, Lydia,” Milo said to my mom. She smiles, putting a second plate on the table.

“You’re welcome; Mol, breakfast.” I sit in the seat across from Milo as my mom left the kitchen, taking a call on her phone.

“You’re never here for breakfast,” I mentioned to Milo, cutting up a blueberry waffle on my plate. Milo chews what’s last of his.

“Your mom made waffles; she offered,” he said as he swallowed the last piece. “I can’t say no to your mom’s waffles.” I rolled my eyes. He wasn’t wrong.

“You’re usually not here this early for my mom to offer you breakfast is my point,” I emphasized, looking up from my plate. “You’re excited to get to school or something?”

“Anything to avoid taking Micah to school,” Milo scoffed, finishing up the last waffle on his plate. “But, I did tell Ver–Ronnie that I would meet her before the bell rings.

“Ronnie?” I questioned. “Since when you and Ron are meeting up before school to hang out?”

“She’s teaching me electric guitar.”

“Electric guitar?”

“Are you just repeating every word I say?” Milo deadpanned. I rolled my eyes, taking his and my plate from the table, placing them into the sink. We both walked into the living room area, saying bye to my mom as we left the house.

“Not every word, just the ones that don’t make sense,” I said, walking down the block towards the train station. “I didn’t think you guys were friends like that.”

“She’s cool,” Milo casually said, swiping his MetroCard at the turnstile. I hopped over it, watching Milo shake his head. “Better to learn something from a friend rather than my dad.”

“Why are you even learning how to play electric guitar? Aren’t the million other instruments enough?” Milo smiled, feeling flattered. “Unless you suck at all of them.” The smile vanished.

“I’m thinking about putting a band together or something,” Milo said. I stopped in my tracks, suspiciously looking at Milo as he turned around, looking at me with a confused look on his face. “What?”

“What; you’re looking to become the next Aaron Serrano or something?” I spat out. Aaron and his band out scouted at some showcase; coincidentally the one I missed due to a time conflict with my dance showcase. I wasn’t going to miss dance, but something told me I was going to regret that decision that night. Now, Aaron Serrano is the epitome of making it big from Waverly, and anything that remotely sound like the word “band” irked my nerves.

“He didn’t invent the concept of having a band, Mol,” he corrected me, walking towards the Manhattan-bound train platform. “Besides, doing something outside of school would better my chances of getting into Juilliard.”

“We just started junior year–“

“But this is the year that they look at on college applications,” Milo said, holding onto the bar in the train. I looked around the crowded train cart; some people are going to the city for work, and others are students going to school. I noticed one guy sitting in one of the seats, the guy with the wavy, dirty blonde hair and the blue eyes. He was scrolling through his phone, listening to music with wired headphones. The new kid.

I quickly found out that the new kid is a vocal major, and Mr. Kamalani put him as a baritone, aka directly behind the first and second soprano section. He had an unique color in his voice; one to hit all of the sharp notes on the bass clef. He was able to keep up with the music, which threw me off considering he’s sitting in a choir class that’s been together for almost three years. It was something about him that was intriguing to me. I found myself staring for way too long, blocking anything external happening.

“Mol,” Milo called out. I turned my head, looking back at Milo.

“Huh?”

“Were you even listening to me?” He asked, annoyed now.

“Something about a band?” I turned my head back toward that kid. Fuck, what was his name? Hudson? Jackson? I know it ends in ‘son.”

“Do you remember that kid’s name, by the way?” I asked Milo. He looked in the direction I was facing, trying to find the guy.

“There’s like 80 people on this cart,” Milo answered, discouraged. “Which one?”

“Nevermind,” I said, turning my head, glancing at him.

“So,” I began to say to Ronnie as we walked down the hallway together. “Milo mentioned you’re teaching him guitar.”

“Electric guitar,” she corrected me. “He said his dad is forcing him to learn for college, or something like that.”

“I didn’t even know you knew how to play electric guitar,” I said, feeling slightly betrayed. “Why haven’t I ever seen you play but Milo has?”

“Milo hasn’t seen me play,” she corrected me once again. “He asked me if I knew more than just the saxophone. Why are you asking me all these questions about Milo?”

“I don’t know, possibly because my two best friends didn’t tell me that they were secretly hanging out.” I answered, crossing my arms along my chest.

“Dude, it’s just Milo.”

“Are you charging him for teaching you?”

“What?” Ronnie laughed, shaking her head. “For a guy that’s like… your nephew, you sure are hard on him.” I looked at Ronnie as we walked, shocked that she knew that information. I never told her about Milo and I’s family relationship.

“Don’t ever say that out loud,” I scolded her, finally reaching to our lockers. Ronnie laughed it off as if it wasn’t the most embarrassing thing for anyone to know. “Did he tell you why he wanted you to teach him electric guitar besides Mr. Kamalani making him?”

Ronnie shrugged her shoulders. “He wanted to make a band.” A band.

“Oh, so he’s also brought up that ridiculous idea up to you too?” I scoffed, grabbing my books for my next class. I shut my locker closed, noticing the perplexed look on Ronnie’s face. “What?”

“I don’t think it’s that ridiculous,” she commented, looking at me. “I think it’s a dope idea.”

“I don’t know what is up with everyone thinking starting a band is going to make them this big star,” I vented, even more annoyed. “One dude from Waverly makes it big, and all of sudden they wanna do what he did–“

“‘One dude’?”

“One. Dude.” I sternly said. I refused to say his name for the second time today. “You should tell Milo to save his breath if he thinks starting a band is his answer to fame. Clearly, he won’t listen to me–“

“Maybe you should hear him out,” Ronnie said, stopping in front of her next class. “Instead of being so against the idea, maybe just listen to his idea for the band?” I squinted my eyes, feeling suspicious now. Ronnie walked into her class nonchalantly, as if she didn’t just side with the guy she hated sophomore year.

“Mollie,” I heard Ronnie’s voice outside of my bedroom door. “Your mom let me in. You can’t spend your entire summer cooped up in your room!” I turned around, letting go of my favorite plushie and wiping the tears from my face. “Mol!” I sighed, dragging my feet toward my bedroom door and unlocking it. I don’t greet Ronnie; I just let her walk in my room.

I plopped back down on my bed while she observed my room. “It fucking stinks in here.”

“So what,” I said in my pillow. I feel Ronnie grab me by my shirt, pulling me up from the bed. “Dude–“

“I understand you’re heartbroken–“

“You don’t,” I cut her off. “You didn’t spend the last two years with a guy you were in love with!”

“That’s because I refuse to let a boy make me feel like this,” she said, pointing at me. “But breaking up sucks, especially if it was someone you spent so much of your time with.”

“I can’t believe he chose his band over me,” I vent out loud. “The band that I sang lead for!”

“Your mom wouldn’t have let you drop out of school to sing in Aaron’s band,” Ronnie tried to reason with me. “Besides, would you have been happy on the road with a bunch of guys–“

“I would’ve been with my boyfriend, Ron!” I cried out loud, sobbing at this point. “I would’ve gone with him because I love him!”

“I know you do,” Ronnie said, coming over to me for a hug. “But would you had been happy? Living someone else’s dream just because you love them?” I pulled back from the hug, looking at Ronnie. I took a moment to reflect, thinking before answering her.

She pulled my curly locks away from my face, grabbing a tissue from my nightstand. “Think about it. Your dream isn’t to be a lead singer in your boyfriend’s band. Your dream is to dance professionally, make a name for yourself. Be a household name for dancing. Would you have given that up for love?”

I sighed, finally out of tears to cry out. I wiped my face with the tissue, catching my breath. I looked over at Ronnie feeling like I could breathe.

“I feel stupid for loving him,” I began to say. “I should’ve listened to Milo.”

“Milo?” Ronnie asked.

“He said Aaron was only using me for his own personal gain. I guess there’s some truth in that.” I scoffed.

“Milo’s an idiot,” Ronnie defended. “He said what he said because he didn’t like Aaron, and because he was too busy with his girlfriend. Aaron loved you, Mol.”

Before I turn away from Ronnie’s class, I bumped into someone, dropping nearly all of my books on the ground.

“I’m so sorry,” A guy’s voice said. I looked up, noticing the wavy, dirty blonde hair. He looks up at me, and there go the blue eyes.

“You’re fine,” I said, not realizing just how flirtatious that was. “I mean–you’re good.” He smiled at me, piercing me with his eyes.

“You’re in vocal, right?” the boy asked. “Sorry, that came out kind of creepy.”

“No no,” I laughed it off, waving my hand to dismiss it. “I mean, I am. You’re new here, right?”

“What gave it away?” he said, waving the school map in his hand. I laughed, enjoying this conversation.

“I would’ve known you if you weren’t,” I said in a slightly more flirtatious way. He smiled, revealing his face dimples. Gosh. “I’m Mollie.”

“Nice to formally meet you, Mollie,” the guy said. “I’m Weston–“

“Weston!” I said out loud, placing my palm on my forehead. “I knew it ended in some sort of -son!” Weston laughed, followed with a tight smile. “Sorry, that was weird. I couldn’t remember your name for the life of me.”

“You could’ve just asked me,” Weston mentioned. The final bell rings, in which Mr. Abrams stands outside the doorway of his classroom looking in our direction.

“Mr. Ashmore; Ms. Castro,” he said, crossing his arms. “Come on now, you’re late!” Weston was the first to begin walking as I watched him. Weston Ashmore. What a name.

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #57: Best Friend Meets Best Friend’s Girlfriend.

It’s one of the hotter days of the summer break. The ceiling fans in the pizza parlor are spinning on the highest setting, and the windows in the front are open to let in more air. Jennifer sits in her usual spot, fidgeting with her hands on the tabletop. She looks out of the window until one of the workers walk up to her with two slices.

Pizza Guy: Alright, two everything slices for the young lady.

Jennifer: *smiles* Thanks, Sal.

Before Jennifer can eat her nerves away, the bell of the front door rings and grabs her attention. She takes in a deep breath; she sees Milo and Gwen walk in.

The two teens sit in the seat across from Jennifer. Jennifer uncomfortably shifts in her seat, noticing that Milo is not sitting in the seat next to her–his usual spot– at the booth.

Milo: Looks like you went right to it, Pep.

Jennifer looks at her two slices, suddenly not feeling as hungry as she once was.

Jennifer: Yeah, you know how Sal does it.

Milo nods his head. Jennifer looks at Gwen, surprised to see her look so… different. She doesn’t have long, black hair draped in front of her face; it’s in a short, layered bob– and blonde.

Milo: *clears throat* So, I know you guys know each other from school, but uhm… Pep, this is my girlfriend, Gwen. Gwen, this is my best friend, Pep–uhm, Jennifer.

Gwen: *nervously smiles* It’s like to formally meet you, Jennifer.

Jennifer: Same.

Awkward silence fills the busy pizza parlor; nothing is said until Milo breaks the ice.

Milo: I was telling Gwen how we were looking to do that show at the Gramercy Lounge at the end of the month.

Jennifer cocks up her eyebrows, unbeknownst to this information.

Gwen: You guys are really talented; especially you.

Gwen looks at Jennifer as she speaks.

Jennifer: Thanks… it’s what I do.

Gwen pulls back from her seat; Milo notices.

Milo: Gwen is gonna come to our next rehearsal–

Jennifer: Really?

Milo nods his head with pride.

Gwen: I told him it wasn’t necessary…

Milo: You’re a part of the gang now; *to Pep* maybe she can help Nicki with the business side of things–

Jennifer: We don’t allow other people into our rehearsals though. It’s against band regulated rules.

Milo: *scoffs* You mean the rules I came up with?

Jennifer: Are we now bending the rules because it doesn’t benefit you anymore?

Milo scrunches his brow, annoyed at Jennifer’s response.

Gwen: *to Milo* Milo, it’s fine–

Jennifer: *sarcastic* Yeah, Milo; it’s fine.

Milo stares at Jennifer in the eyes. Jennifer doesn’t budge.

Milo: The least you can do is be nice about it, Pep.

Jennifer: Fine. *to Gwen* Since Milo’s suppose to be my best friend, I’ll let him bend his own rules due to unforeseen circumstances.

Jennifer’s eyes travel down Gwen’s stomach, completely forgetting the major factor in this all.

Milo: *changes the subject* I’m gonna get us some slices; *to Gwen* grandma slice?

Gwen nods her head. Milo smiles and walks to the counter. She turns her head and faces Jennifer.

Gwen: I do appreciate you meeting us here today. I know all of this is… unexpecting and sudden. But, this meet up meant a lot to Milo. He speaks highly of you.

Jennifer: *surprised, scoffs* I doubt that he still does.

Gwen: Despite what you guys gone through, he does.

Jennifer’s face softens.

Jennifer: He speaks highly of you too.

Gwen smiles, wrapping her arms around her small figure. Jennifer swallows the knot in her throat.

Jennifer: So, when did you guys make it official?

Gwen: A little over a month ago. He took me to the arcade to brag about his high score on Pebbles Dock for our first month anniversary.

Jennifer bites the inner part of her lip, noting how going to the arcade to play Pebbles Dock was their thing.

Jennifer: So… do you like him?

Gwen: *confused* What do you mean?

Jennifer: I mean… you guys started dating around the same time you guys… y’know…

Gwen: *perplexed* I’m having a hard time understanding where you’re going with this.

Jennifer: Are you only dating Milo because you’re keeping his baby?

Gwen scrunches her eyebrows together, seeming annoyed.

Gwen: I’m dating Milo because I like him.

Jennifer: I just find it convenient that he decided to formally introduce you as his girlfriend after finding out the baby…just saying.

Gwen doesn’t say anything back; Milo walks back to the booth with two slices and a smile on his face.

Milo: *to Gwen* I told Sal to make your slice extra crispy for that crunch you like.

Gwen doesn’t respond. Milo notices.

Milo: What’s wrong?

Gwen: Nothing.

She begins to gather her things.

Jennifer: What’s wrong, Gwen? Milo just bought you your grandma slice.

Gwen gives a look to Jennifer; Milo is confused, looking at the two girls.

Milo: Gwen–

Gwen: I’m not feeling good; I just want to go and get some rest.

Milo pauses for a second and looks at Jennifer.

Milo: *to Jennifer* I guess I’ll go and drop her off–

Gwen: *to Milo* No, it’s fine… I’ll go alone.

Gwen walks out of the pizza parlor, leaving both Milo and Jennifer at the booth. Milo sits back down across from Jennifer, confused.

Jennifer: Too bad she was feeling sick; I heard that’s normal for people in their first trimester–

Milo: What did you say to her?

Jennifer looks up at Milo and scrunches her eyebrows together.

Jennifer: Why do you think it was something I said?

Milo: Because you’re you. She was perfectly fine up until I left the booth with you two alone.

Jennifer: *annoyed* If she can’t handle your friends, then is she really the righ–

Milo: *stern* What did you say to her, Pep?

Jennifer: Nothing! I literally asked her simple questions any friend would ask–

Milo: You’re not going to scare her away.

Jennifer stares at Milo fiercely.

Jennifer: What?

Milo: I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s not going to work this time, Pep.

Jennifer: *defensive* I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

Milo: Right.

Jennifer: I don’t get it; you wanted me to meet her and you automatically thought we were going to be the best of friends or something?

Milo: No; what I should’ve expect was for you to act exactly as you are right now; thinking that if you said some crazy shit to Gwen that she would run away and never speak to me again. The only difference this time around is that Gwen isn’t just some girl I wanted you to meet. Gwen is my girlfriend. We are having a baby together because we–

Milo stumbles a bit on his words. He looks at Jennifer.

Jennifer: Say it.

Milo: Say what?

Jennifer: It.

Milo: It what?!

Jennifer: Tell me that you and Gwen are having this baby because you love her.

Milo doesn’t say anything; he’s at a lost for words. Jennifer rolls her eyes, leaning forward to the table to whisper something.

Jennifer: You might want to work on that tough guy demeanor you think you have.

Milo: Fuck off, Pep.

Jennifer is taken back by his words. She quickly gathers her things and throws $5 on top of the table.

Jennifer: Next time you want to shove your pregnant girlfriend down my throat because you feel guilty getting her knocked up, keep me out of it.

Jennifer walks away from the booth and out of the pizza parlor, leaving Milo sitting at the booth alone once again.

The Unwritten Pages.

Talk Like We Never Knew Each Other: Written by Milo.

Pep sat in the same booth we used to sit in when we were teenagers. She always preferred to sit with her back against the wall, facing the front door of the pizza parlor. She looked up once she saw me walk toward the table, sitting across from her.

“Thanks for meeting me here,” Pep said, folding her hands together on top of the table. This was the closest I’ve seen Pep since she’s been back in New York. I was able to see every single freckle speckled along her face. I can’t believe I almost forgot the minor details.

“Of course,” I simply answered, looking directly into her eyes. She shifted in her seat and cleared her throat, looking uncomfortable at first. I made the initiative to start the conversation. “About that drive–“

“It was stupid… the way that I acted,” Pep began to say, folding her arms along her chest. “It was–“

“I know,” I said, smiling at her. “Some things never change about a person.” I was shocked to see Pep smile after I said that, followed with a cathartic sigh.

“Milo’s gotten so tall,” Pep mentioned, shaking her head in disbelief. “He was just a baby.”

“You’re telling me,” I scoffed, smiling as I readjusted in my seat. “Now he’s a whole third grader. Do you know they give kids actual homework over the summer now? They expect them to have their multiplication tables memorized like the back of their hand.”

“Yeah, my mom mentioned it to me one day when I had to watch Mollie for a weekend. I told Mollie she could memorize them later, so I took her out for ice cream.” I laughed at Pep’s story. Some things truly never change about a person. Pep looked back at me before she continued speaking. “I feel like I owe that to her.”

“Owe what?”

“Time,” she answered, seeming a bit down now. “Leaving her behind in the middle of my parents’ messy divorce.” I nod my head, understanding where Pep was coming from. There were nights Lydia told me to look after Mollie when things got intense. I didn’t know much about their parents’ divorce, but I could tell that it was affecting Mollie more than she was leading on. It took Milo to tell me that Mollie was struggling for me to finally say something to Lydia. It seems like that’s when things finally quiet down. Their father had finally left, and the divorce was finalized before the year ended.

“You’re here now,” I reassured her without thinking twice. It was like it was second nature to be reassuring with Pep; it was like it was the only thing I knew what to do when it came to her.

“Thanks,” she simply said before letting out a sigh of relief. “You’re still teaching at Waverly?” I nodded my head.

“My fourth year,” I answered back. “My first class are now seniors, definitely ages a person.” Pep giggled, taking a sip from her cola before cleating her throat.

“Has much changed since we were there?”

“So much,” I began to say. “A lot has changed in the past year, yet alone–“

“7 years.” I looked at Pep at she finished my sentence. Some things never change, but others change in a blink of an eye. She smiled before sighing. “You don’t have to tip-toe around me.”

I was confused. “Tip-toe around?”

“About Cullen,” she bluntly said. I can’t lie; the last thing I wanted to talk about was Cullen; not because of his relationship with Pep, but simply the fact that I didn’t know how to talk about a man that was part of the catalyst of our friendship tarnishing, yet alone a man that isn’t alive anymore.

“I’m… sorry. For your loss,” I awkwardly said, shaking my head in distaste from the way it came out. “I know that’s probably the last thing you want. More condolenses.”

“You’re right,” Pep jokingly answered. “But, it’s appreciated.” She looked out of the window, sighing as she was in deep thought. “Today would’ve been our wedding date.” Oh. I didn’t know how to respond to that, or if Pep meant to say it loud enough for me to hear it. She looked at me afterwards and shook her head, as if the was trying to shake the thought away.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For everything I said about your relationship with Marielle. If she’s the one you plan to marry in the future, it’s best if–“

“Wait, hold on.” I was super caught-off guard. “Marielle and I aren’t together anymore.” Pep’s eyebrows cocked up, as if she was genuinely shocked. Did she truly not know?

“Oh,” Pep shook her head with her lips pressed together tightly. “I didn’t know.”

“It’s fine,” I began to say, sighing afterwards. “She had gotten an offer at Oxford that she didn’t want to miss out on. Her and Holder.” I swallowed hard, remembering the insecure version of myself that stood in our once shared apartment, accusing Marielle of cheating on me with Holder; her best friend from childhood. The same way she accused me of cheating on her with Pep; my best friend from childhood.

Pep’s eyes widen, taking in this newfound information. She nods her head okay, and says nothing else. I tightly smiled, shaking the intensity of this conversation out with my hands.

“But, that’s in the past,” I began to say, looking at her directly in the eyes. “And we have no control over what happened.” Pep looked back at me, deciphering the meaning behind my words. This wasn’t anything new with her; she’s done this for as long as I’ve known her. Sometimes, she misinterpreted them; other times she was right.

This time she was right in doing so.

Pep leaned back in her seat as she let out a deep breath. She smiled and put our her hand to me for a handshake. I was confused, and I was now the one trying to figure out what she was doing.

“Hi,” she began to say. “My name is Jennifer.”

“Huh?”

“But you can call me Pep.”

“Pep, what are you–“

“The only way we could move past this last year is to talk like we never knew each other. It doesn’t mean our past and our friendship are meaningless, but… let’s start over. Get to know each other all over again.” I looked at Pep, nervous about this random idea she came up with. That was also something Pep does, and the safest thing to do was follow along and to see things through. I put my hand out to her, shaking it politely.

“Hi,” I said as I smiled. “I’m Milo.”

The Something Series: 뭔가 다른 것

Convincing Something That’s Unconventional: A Jamie Monologue.

I lost count on how many cups of coffee I had today, but Grace reminded me just how shaky my hands have become throughout the duration of our busy morning.

“Jamie,” Grace sighed as she said my name. “You are not allowed to make yourself another coffee. You’re not about to have me up all night because you can’t sleep.”

“I’m sorry, jagiya,” I said, watching Grace open the fridge and hand me a water bottle. “I’m just feeling a little nervous having my family in America all together for the first time.” My relationship with my family shifted once I made the decision to live in New York. They weren’t thrilled that I was adamant about starting my life over in a foreign country with a girl they’ve met once. Surely as time passed, we were all able to let it go, especially after telling them the news about agi.

“What time are they landing?” Grace asked.

“Their flight says arrival is 6:15pm,” I answered, looking at the information on my phone. “We should probably make it to JFK an hour before.”

“Ya,” Grace said, walking over to me and brushed my hair away from my face. “You know everything is going to be fine, right?”

“I know, but you never know with my family,” I said, letting out an anxious breath. “My family is super traditional, and trying to explain our relationship to them is nearly impossible for them to understand.”

“They don’t have to understand it, they just need to accept it,” Grace replied sternly, trying to prove her point. Grace was never the “cookie-cutter” type of comforter, and will tell you exactly how she feels about something.

She sighed, walking up to me and placed her hand on my cheek. “I mean that in the nicest way possible, babe. I don’t want her to grow up not knowing her entire family.” The past couple of weeks since we found out agi was a girl, Grace has been determined to give our daughter a life she didn’t get to have growing up. She missed out on knowing her mother’s side of the family, and I can only imagine she feels anxious that agi won’t know my side.

“She will.” I wrapped my arms around her, taking her in for a hug. Maybe Grace was right. Maybe I didn’t have anything to worry about, and it was all in my head. But I can’t help but wonder, what if I’m right? What if my family is upset at me still for moving to America? Is there anything that will change their mind about things?

“We’re so happy to see you!” My mom immediately walks to Grace for a hug. Even Grace was shocked at the gesture. She returns the hug, putting on a smile. My mom let Grace go to look at Grace’s belly. “How are you feeling?” I watch the interaction happen, feeling like I’m currently in the twilight zone. My mom and grace were actually having a conversation in Korean in our New York apartment.

Eomma couldn’t stop talking about coming here,” my sister, Lia, said to me. I looked over at Mina, coming into the door with my mother’s bags.

“Jaemin,” Mina called out. I went to the front door, helping her with the bags. She smiled at me once she got situated. “Hi, baby brother!”

“Hi, nonna,” I said, giving her a hug. “I’m glad you and Lia could make it.”

“Of course we were coming,” Mina stated. “We have to come visit before our niece comes!” Lia and Mina walked over to Grace, giving her hugs. It made me smile seeing my family like Grace, considering this wasn’t the attitude they had a year and a half ago. Maybe I was overreacting over nothing—

Or maybe I just knew there was always some hidden conversation waiting to happen.

“Grace, this is delicious,” Mina said, wiping her face with her napkin.

“Actually, Jamie did all of the cooking,” she mentioned. In the corner of my eyes, I saw my mother’s expression change as she ate. “I was just moral support.” Grace started to laugh, but my family looked more confused. Grace clears her throat and wipes her mouth. “Let me take those dishes from you—”

Ani,” my mother shook her head, stopping Grace. “You will not lift a finger in your condition. Jaemin,” she calls for me. “Help me with the dishes.”

Eomma, we’ll do it—“ my sisters volunteered, but my mother protested.

“Jaemin will help me,” my mom smiled in my direction, prompting me to get up from my seat.

“I’ll be back, jagiya,” I said to Grace as I kissed the top of her head. I took the plates from the other women at the table, while my mother insisted she take the garnish dishes back to the kitchen.

“So, Jaemin,” my mom said as she cleaned the dishes. I insisted we use the dishwasher, but like my mom, she immediately protested. “How far along is Grace?”

“A little over 6 months now,” I answered, drying the wet dishes with a cloth. My mom gasped in awe.

Ya, Jaemin,” my mom reacted. “Are there any plans of a marriage soon?” Here we go; the conversation I knew I was going to have with my mother. “The baby will be here before you know it—”

Eomma,” I sighed. “Grace and I have other things to focus on right now.”

“And you think once you bring a baby into this world, you guys will have time to think about marriage? A newborn baby consumes your life, Jaemin.”

“And you think rushing a marriage is the conventional thing to do?” I asked. I mom scolded me for talking to her in such tone.

“You both should’ve got married before you two decided to have a baby,” my mom nonchalantly expressed. “Your father would’ve wanted you to be married before having a child.” I hated when my mom’s guilt card was mentioning my father. There was a lot that my father wanted me to do instead of the things I’ve done, constantly showing that I was never interested in living my life the way he wanted me to. In the same breath, he would’ve wanted me to find my way of life in the best way I knew possible.

“Wouldn’t appa be happy that I am starting a family though?” I questioned. My mom side-eyed me, continuing to wash the dishes. “That I am carrying the Kim family name?”

“With a woman that is not your wife—”

“She will be,” I spat back, revealing something I wouldn’t have in front of my mother. “We are both aren’t ready yet.”

“I really do like Grace,” my mom started to say. “I do believe she’s a great woman, but I do not like the fact that you’ve thrown all of your culture away to fit into this American one. My son would’ve stayed in Korea and settled down with a woman that had the same values as you. My son would’ve been married with children already. My son would instill his culture into his family, to carry out our family traditions for generations to come.”

“But that was never your son.” I emphasized, looking directly at my mother. “Your son wanted more outside of Korea. Your son wanted to make a name for himself professionally. Your son always knew that he would live a life that wasn’t conventional. Your son fell in love and found home with a woman in New York.” I slightly open the covering of the island, showing my mom Grace and my sisters laughing together on the couch. “All she wants is for our baby to know all of her family.” My mom looked out at her daughters, looking at them talking to each other comfortably. Even seeing Grace let go of the misconceptions she had about herself and my family for the sake or our daughter, there wasn’t any doubt that Grace will be my wife someday.

My mom turns around and sighs, looking up at me. She places her hand on my cheek, smiling at me. “Something you and your father had in common was your stubbornness.” I smiled as my mom laughed. “And the way his heart was always in the right place for the ones he loved.” Shortly after, Grace walked into the kitchen, carrying some glasses from the dinner table.

“Ah, jagiya,” I said as I walked toward grace, grabbing the glasses from her. “We were going to come back for the other things.”

“She’s ready for some dessert though,” Grace said, rubbing her belly. My mom walked to Grace with a smile, placing a hand on Grace’s belly.

Eomma,” I said, feeling slightly embarrassed. Grace didn’t seem to mind it, smiling as my mom shushed me.

Halmeoni is excited to meet you,” my mom said to agi, looking up at Grace and smiled.

Later that night, Grace and I lie in bed together. Grace was watching her weekly reality TV show, while I worked on some paperwork for my next lecture. I looked over at her, laughing at the drama happening on the reality show, relaxing in her element. I don’t know why all of a sudden I think about my father and wonder if he would be happy for me. All he ever wanted for his son was to live a happy life, whatever that looked like for me. He always knew I would be different than his daughters, and he knew that once he left this world all those years ago, he left his legacy in my hands. A part of him lives on through me. I grew up watching my parents smitten for each other. My father would look at my mom with such loving eyes, something I took for granted when he was alive, but vividly remember as I now look at Grace that way.

“Oh,” Grace said out loud, as if she remembered something. “Mina and Lia and your mom are going to go to a Broadway show this weekend!” She reaches over her nightstand, taking out the tickets. “I was going to surprise your mom at her birthday dinner tomorrow night.”

“When did you get those?” I said, genuinely curious.

“Not too long ago,” Grace answered. “My aunt Mars is one of the actresses in The Lion King and was able to give me a deal for the matinee show this Saturday. I tried to get tickets for a different time, but this was the only one she could get.” I smile at Grace, reassuring her that she didn’t need to feel bad for going the same time as my next lecture.

“My family will love it,” I said, kissing Grace on the forehead. “Thank you for accepting my family, jagiya.”

“I kinda have to,” Grace teased, laughing after she rubbed her belly. “But, I know what you meant. Her show starts back up, and Grace immediately glued her eyes back to the screen.

My father gave me the “love” conversation once in my life. I was now an adult, and he sat me down over coffee at a shop near the firm I used to work at in Korea.

“You will know when the time is right,” he said, sipping his coffee. “When you feel like the pieces are falling in place, fitting to create an overall picture.”

“Appa, I don’t know,” I said nervously. “In this line of work, it’s hard to have the time needed to settle down…I barely even see Seohyun these days because of school…”

“I’m not saying you have to figure it out now,” he emphasized. “I’m just letting you know, for your future self when they are ready to hit that milestone in life.”

“Ya,” I dismissed, never realizing that would be one of the last times we ever spoke about the future.

I looked at Grace, eating her current craving of Cool Ranch Doritos while watching TV. She looked over at me. “What?” She asked. I smiled, putting my hand in her family size bag of chips.

“Nothing,” I said, grabbing a handful of chips from Grace. “Are they really leaving the villa tonight?” Grace turned her head, about to explode in reality show gossip with me. These were the right times that my father spoke about.

The Junior Journals.

Post-Its From Sophie, Sheet Music From Ronnie: Milo’s Journal.

The last thing I expected on a Friday night was to come across this huge box of paper I saved from the past three years.

I sat on the ground of my room, looking through each piece of paper that poured out of that box. I couldn’t help but remember everything about the context of these papers. I kept them all.

Many of them were flirty and playful; a side of Sophie that no one got to see but me. The first time Sophie was openly flirtatious with me, documented on these papers that we would pass along to each other in band class. That was the one time Sophie and I got caught passing notes.

“Milo, Sophie; please stay in your class after class,” Mr. Harrison said as he crumbled the piece of paper in his hands and tossed it in the trash can next to his desk. “May I remind the class that we have a competition at the end of the week, and that any distractions during our rehearsals will not be tolerated.” I felt my ears get hot, and I can only imagine Sophie was internally freaking out. I looked over at her, and can confirm that she was.

I shuffled through the other pieces of paper, and came across another conversation exchange; this one not so cheerful as the first one. It was the conversation about the Julliard program she was in, and how little time we had spent together that specific week.

“I don’t know why you’re acting like this,” Sophie’s note read. “This is an opportunity of a lifetime and you’re acting like since you’re not in the program that it’s useless.”

“Do you really believe that?” I wrote back. “You think I’m jealous of you being in the program and not me? That’s not even close to the truth and you know that, Soph.”

Soph. Not Scout; but Soph. I was angry at her that day. I shoved that note back in the box, not wanting to remember how the rest of that conversation went. I skimmed through the box one last time and came across a note entitled, “For the greatest boyfriend ever.” I don’t open it to read it; I know exactly what it read. It was one of the notes that I read back frequently when we were dating, just as a reminder how I was dating the greatest girlfriend ever.

My bedroom door opened, which startled me at first. I sighed when I realized it was Mollie.

“For fuck’s sake, Mol,” I said, shoving the box back in my closet. “You could’ve knocked first.” Mollie stood there, looking toward my closet. She knew exactly what I was doing. “I was cleaning out my closet–“

“You say that every time you go through that box,” Mollie said, entering my room to sit on my desk chair. “When are you going to get rid of it?”

“Huh?”

“The box,” Mollie emphasized. “When are you finally going to let go of your past?” I got up from the floor, and sat on the edge of my bed, facing Mollie.

“You know, for someone that had their heart ripped out their chest this summer, you sure are over your relationship with Aaron.”

“I grieve differently,” Mollie immediately answered. “But one thing that’s universal is that if you keep the shit that reminds you of that pain, you get stuck in that same cycle.” Mollie shifted in her seat, as if she wasn’t finish making her point. “Also, my relationship with Aaron wasn’t as… intense as yours was with Sophie.”

I was confused. “Intense?”

“You and Sophie were crazy into each other; Aaron was more into his band than he like to admit.” Mollie’s tough exterior began to crack, falling in the same trap I constantly put myself in when thinking about Sophie.

“Does it ever get easier?” I asked. Mollie tilted her head.

“You want the truth, or a lie?” she asked back. I smiled, nodding my head.

“Forget that I asked.”

Later that day, I opened my closet and saw the box on the ground, shoved behind various other things laying on the ground. Before I even had the chance to pick it up and skim through it again, there’s a knock on my bedroom door. My dad opens it as I looked in his direction.

“You have a friend waiting for you downstairs,” he said. “Ronnie.” Ronnie?

I closed the closet door and walked out of my room, heading towards the back door, towards the studio downstairs. Ronnie turned around when she heard the backdoor open.

“Jesus,” she said, holding her chest with her hand. “You scared the shit out of me. I didn’t know you lived in a fun house.”

I smiled. “Hey; nice to see you too.” Ronnie playfully rolled her eyes as she set down her guitar case on the ground. I completely forgot we agreed on guitar lessons today. I walked over to the closet, pulling out a chair and a music stand for Ronnie. She stood there as she watched.

“I didn’t realize your family had a studio installed in your house,” Ronnie commented. “You must live in here.”

“It’s my stepmom’s studio,” I began to explain. “She’s the owner of the academy Mollie dances for.”

“Your stepmom is Mollie’s oldest sister?” she asked seemingly surprised. I sighed as I came back with another chair and music stand, placing it next to Ronnie.

“It’s a long story,” I simply said, grabbing my guitar from the closet. Ronnie observes the instrument as I walk back toward her. Her eyes widen, staring at me now.

“An Ibanez?” she said out loud.

“It’s my dad’s,” I said, not thinking much of it.

“Can’t lie, I thought Mr. Kamalani was just an old and corny ass vocal teacher,” Ronnie said. I laughed out loud, totally agreeing with her assumption. “But for him to own a vintage Ibanez guitar is badass.” I look at Ronnie putting out her electric guitar, a cherry red Yamaha model.

“Yamaha is pretty good,” I mentioned. “A classic instrument brand.”

“Eh, it’s good for casual play,” Ronnie said, tuning the strings before plugging it in to the amplifier. “So, where you wanna start?”

“Oh, uhm–“

“Like what do I teach Waverly’s most talented dual major student that he doesn’t already know,” she casually commented. I began to feel my ears get hot. Her compliment took me off-guard there for a moment.

“Not necessarily how to play,” I said as I cleared my throat, plugging in my electric guitar into my amplifier. “I just–” Before I can continue, I play an awkward note, not used to the tuning process of an electric guitar.

“Fuck’s sake, dude,” Ronnie said, immediately coming to me to tune the strings. I watched her as she put my electric guitar on, playing random chords for tuning. Why does she look ten times cooler with my guitar? I picked up her guitar and put it around me, getting her attention now. “What are you doing?”

“You play mine, I’ll play yours,” I suggested. She didn’t say much about to swap. I figured she wanted to play the Ibanez. “It’s not necessarily playing that’s hard, it’s more about the finger placement and style that gets me.”

“It’s a lot like playing piano,” Ronnie said, standing next to me now. “The finger placement for each chord just requires you to make sure that you’re on the right string rather than on the right key. As for style,” Ronnie began to shred a bunch of chords together. Damn. “That comes with drive and passion.”

“Really? It’s just that simple?”

“Learning to play is the easy part; playing with meaning isn’t,” Ronnie said. “Do you really want to play electric guitar?” I looked at her, not really knowing how to answer her. To be quite honest: it wasn’t a thought until I saw her with her electric guitar. “Milo?”

“Huh?” I snapped out of thought.

“Something tells me you really don’t wanna learn, and I’m not going to waste my time if that’s the case,” she said, beginning to take the guitar off.

“Wait,” I quickly protested without really knowing what to tell her. “It’s not that I don’t want to learn.”

“Then what is it?” Ronnie bluntly asked, cutting through the bullshit.

She would be the first person I’d admit this to; not even Mollie knows this. I sighed, sitting on the chair now. “I haven’t been passionate about playing music for some time now.”

“What does that even mean? You play music every day for school.”

“That’s… different. That’s just reading notes on sheet music and playing what’s on it,” I began to explain. I looked up at Ronnie as she stood there. “I haven’t had the passion the way I did before.” Ronnie raised her eyebrows, pulling the other chair in front of me and sat across from me with my guitar still around her neck.

“What changed?” she genuinely asked. “Dual majors don’t just lose their passion. They embody it; it’s why they’re there in the first place.”

“You’d be surprised how many dual majors are in the program simply because they play good,” I mentioned, looking at Ronnie. She seemed like she didn’t know that tidbit about the prestigious program.

“I mean, I’ve been there for the showcases; you’re definitely not one of them.” I smirked as I looked down at Ronnie’s guitar on my lap.

“That’s uncharacteristically sweet of you to say.” I responded.

“You still haven’t told me what changed,” Ronnie reminded me. Her exterior is definitely a lot thicker than I’m used to in these situations.

“Sophie,” I finally admitted.

“Your ex-girlfriend?” I nodded. “What about Sophie?”

“She’s been my muse since the beginning,” I vented out, thinking about the box of notes upstairs in my closet. “We connected through music and… I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right anymore.”

“I get it,” Ronnie said, nodding her head. “Music needs to have meaning; what’s the point when it doesn’t?”

“Exactly,” I agreed, now looking at Ronnie. I didn’t realize she was looking directly at me, and I didn’t realize just how much her face softened. It was like she felt compassion, and actively listened to the words I was saying. It was nice to feel heard.

“But,” she continued to say. “Take this time as inspiration. You can find inspiration in everything for music. Just because you guys aren’t together, doesn’t mean you stop playing music. That shit is always gonna be with you.” I smiled at Ronnie, taking in her words; hearing someone else for the words they are saying.

“Thanks, Ronnie. I really needed to hear that.” She smiled back at me.

“Call me Vero,” she simply said. “Ronnie’s cool but I imagine that when I make it big in some band that ‘Vero’ would sound epic.” I laughed, leaning back in my chair.

“Oh yeah? You’re looking for all the fanboys to hang your posters on your wall?” I teased. Vero scoffed, playing a random chord on the guitar.

“More like begging me to sign their girlfriend’s boobs,” she teased back. I laughed, thinking about that scenario in my head. I looked at Vero, deep in thought. Her facial expression changed. “What?”

“You wanna make a band?” I asked with a smile on my face.

“A what?”

“A band. Let’s make up a band together.”

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #56: Keep Going Backwards.

Jennifer is seen sitting on top of the monkey bars on the playground, looking down at a notebook as she vigorously writes. There’s a slight wind in the summer air, blowing her red curly locks in different directions. She’s too focused to realize that her name has been called numerous times in a row. She finally looks up from her notebook, noticing Nate standing on the ground.

Jennifer: Nate?

Nate: Something told me you’d be here if you weren’t at the pizza parlor.

Jennifer smiles at the sentiment, appreciating Nate’s attention to detail.

Jennifer: So you were looking for me?

Nate: *playful* Maybe.

He smiles as he begins to climb up the monkey bars, sitting next to Jennifer.

Nate: I feel like I haven’t seen you in so long.

Jennifer: *sigh* I know. I’ve been busy babysitting my sister while my mom works and goes to all of her appointments. I feel like I don’t even have the summer to enjoy.

Nate: I can relate, y’know, for different reasons and stuff…

Awkward silence. Jennifer lets out a deep breath.

Jennifer: Sorry.

Nate: For what?

Jennifer: For being such a Debbie Downer; this is probably not how you want to spend your summer day–

Nate: Do you want to talk about it?

Jennifer looks at Nate. He looks genuine in his question.

Jennifer: I think the band is breaking up.

Nate: What happened?

Jennifer: Milo and I got into a huge fight after he did something completely stupid… I don’t know if we could ever be friends again.

Nate: *defensive* Did he hurt you?

Jennifer: No, no…

Jennifer looks at Nate with a perplexed look on her face. Nate stares at her, trying to get a reading on her.

Jennifer: Milo got a girl pregnant.

Nate’s eyes widen in shock.

Nate: Seriously?

Jennifer: Yeah. I know I shouldn’t be affected by it, like it has nothing to do with me–

Nate: You’re still allowed to feel things though.

Jennifer: He’s also keeping it.

Nate’s eyes widen even more in shock.

Nate: Oh.

Jennifer: *scoffs* I don’t know what he’s even thinking. It just feels like he’s so caught up with Gwen that–

Nate: *shocked* Wait, wait–Gwen? As in Gwen Messrow?

Jennifer swallows hard, feeling bad for saying who the girl was. She doesn’t say anything, which confirms Nate’s suspicion.

Nate: Oh my god!

Jennifer: *panics* You can’t tell anyone, Nate!

Nate: She’s the last girl I would think that any guy would let–

Jennifer: Nate!

Jennifer grabs Nate by the collar.

Jennifer: Promise you won’t tell anybody. Milo would kill me–

Nate brushes Jennifer off, slightly annoyed.

Nate: For someone that just got into a huge fight with the guy, you sure care about what he thinks.

Jennifer: *confused* What are you trying to say?

Nate: You care way too much about something that isn’t your business. So what that you told me? You’re allowed to express what’s bothering you without feeling like you’re doing something wrong.

Jennifer sighs before saying anything.

Jennifer: It’s… complicated.

Nate: Of course it is.

Nate starts to climb down the monkey bar; Jennifer tries to stop him before he reaches the ground.

Jennifer: Are you seriously mad at me right now?

Nate: I’m not mad, just… disappointed. I feel like the closer we get, the more you worry about a guy that clearly isn’t worried about you.

Jennifer: Nate–

Nate: I like you. A lot. But… I don’t think you’re ready to have that conversation.

Jennifer widens her eyes and begins to frantically climb down the monkey bar.

Jennifer: Are you serious? Nate!

Jennifer grabs Nate by the arm and swings him around to face her.

Jennifer: Be a big enough man and–

Nate grabs Jennifer by the face and kisses her hard. It catches her off-guard at first, but immediately settles into the kiss. This is something Jennifer wanted, but something in the way that it happened feels unsettling.

They break away from the kiss; Jennifer is the first to open her eyes and look at Nate.

Nate: Sorry, I just–

Jennifer: No, it’s cool…

Both teens share an awkward silence, and Jennifer absolutely hates it. Nate clears his throat before shoving his hands into his pockets.

Nate: I should get going; my brothers and I have a rehearsal we can’t miss.

Ouch. It stings when he doesn’t invite Jennifer. She nods as Nate begins to turn away, looking back at Jennifer after every other step. Jennifer sighs as she grabs her bag from the playground, and walks away from the monkey bars.

Jennifer is seen roaming through the shelves at the local bookstore, hoping the new editions of her favorite graphic novel were in stock. She smiles as she skims through one of the novels before she hears a familiar voice. She turns her head to see it was Milo.

Milo: Guess you beat me here for the latest edition.

Jennifer smiles and shakes her head, tapping the book with her hand.

Jennifer: I was in the neighborhood already and figured to see if they had it yet.

Milo doesn’t say anything back. Jennifer sighs as her smile vanishes away. She hands the book over to Milo.

Jennifer: Take it.

Milo: *confused* You had it first.

Jennifer: I don’t… feel like reading it anymore.

She hands the book to Milo and walks away from him.

Milo: Pep.

Jennifer stops and shuts her eyes. She turns back around and faces Milo. He lets out a deep breath.

Milo: Nicki told me you were here.

Jennifer: Of course she would. *sighs* Milo–

Milo: I want you to formally meet Gwen.

Jennifer is taken aback by Milo’s straightforwardness.

Jennifer: Meet her? I know her.

Milo: I mean meet her more than just a person in band class, Pep.

Jennifer: *annoyed* You came all the way over here to find me and tell me you want us to formally meet?

Milo: C’mon Pep, this means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me.

Jennifer looks up at Milo, undeniably falling for the puppy dog look on his face.

Milo: I think you’d like her a lot! She’s very cool and chill and–

Jennifer: Is she your girlfriend now?

The excitement slowly vanishes from Milo’s face.

Milo: My girlfriend?

Jennifer: *nods* Are you guys dating now because you guys are having a baby.

Milo: Is that a question?

Jennifer: That’s up for you to decid–

Milo: Yes, Pep. Gwen is my girlfriend.

The word rings through Jennifer’s ears. She doesn’t really know how to feel about this sudden revelation. She swallows hard and puts a tight smile on her face.

Jennifer: Sure.

Milo” *unsure* Sure?

Jennifer: *sure* Sure. I’ll formally meet your girlfriend. Bring her to the pizza shop.

Milo smiles and pulls Jennifer in for a hug. Jennifer’s smile fades once Milo isn’t looking, not excited or happy about this situation.

The Unwritten Pages.

Old Dog, New Tricks: Written by Jennifer.

I didn’t look back once I walked up the stairs to my house. I could only hear Milo sighing and slamming his car door shut. I hate the fact that he has to come into the house to pick up his son; it just makes the whole situation even more awkward.

I opened the front door, holding it open for Milo. I hoped that in entering the house, no one was hanging out in the living room to see me and Milo walk in with each other. It was bad enough that my mother had this misconception that I “came back for a certain reason”; that reason being to rekindle my long-lived friendship with Milo.

Of course, things don’t work out in the way I want them to, and everyone is in the living room when Milo and I come in.

My mom is on the couch, looking with her big eyes in my direction. My younger sister, Mars, is standing next to her boyfriend Dennis, while my youngest sister Mollie and Milo’s son Milo are sitting in the corner at a table. Oh. My. God.

“Peppie!” My mom greeted me before greeting Milo. “I wasn’t expecting you to be back tonight.”

“Nicki had a last minute appointment tomorrow morning.” I wanted to leave it at just that and not have to explain that Milo insisted to drive me back to Brooklyn, but of course Milo had to chime in somehow.

“I figured we were both going to the same place, so I gave her a ride home,” Milo added. I could feel the internal eye roll happen as he spoke.

“That was really nice of you, Milo,” my mom praised him as if he was doing her a favor of some sort. I looked over at the table where his son and my sister were sitting, watching the two kids get up from their seats. Milo’s son packs his things in a bag before putting it on, and walked in our direction.

It was surreal to see just how much Milo has grown since the last time I saw him. His hair was much more curly, and he was much taller than what I remember. God, I remember when he was just a baby. He walked to his father and Milo tussles his hair. The gesture was sweet.

“You’re ready to go, bud?” Milo kneed to his son’s height, smiling as he spoke. He nodded his head shyly, hiding behind Milo’s leg as he stood back up. “We’re gonna get going; thanks for watching Milo for me tonight, Lydia.”

“You know Milo is always welcomed here; you both are like family,” my mom smiled at Milo and his son.

The comment made my stomach turn, not because it bothered me, but because there was some truth behind it. My family housed Milo and his son when we were teenagers, two weeks after his girlfriend gave birth and tragically passed away after battling cancer. No one in my family knew that Milo had this secret life; one where he became a teen dad a day before his 16th birthday.

“Peppie, can you answer that? I’m feeding the baby,” my mother shouted from the other room. I rolled my eyes, getting up from the sofa while watching the new episode of some trashy VH1 dating show. I opened the front door and to my surprise it was Milo.

“Milo?” Milo stood there with a singular suitcase in one hand, a baby seat in the other. Milo’s face is pale and puffy. He looked defeated. Lost. Unable to speak even. I looked down at the baby sleeping soundly in the carrier.

“Who is it?” Mom shouted out loud. I didn’t know what to say. I froze in place, hoping that what I thought happened didn’t. The more time passes by, the more I realize it is. “Peppie?” I turned around and see Mom walking into the living room, in plain sight of the front door. She’s holding my baby sister, walking toward the front door. She immediately looked down and stood in place.

“Mom,” I began to say, trying to make sense of the situation.

“Whose baby is that?” she simply asked in an almost hushed tone. Before I was able to answer my mother, Milo spoke for the first time.

“This is my son, Milo.” I looked at Milo’s face as he spoke, sullen and absolutely crushing. He was spiraling down, and I needed to do something about it.

“Can Milo stay with us?” I asked quickly, not letting anyone direct the conversation. My mom looked so confused, as if seeing a 16-year-old boy call a baby his son wasn’t confusing enough.

But I knew why Milo was here with a suitcase and his son, and I know why his first thought was to come to me for help; because we were somewhat like family, and my mom knew that he was.

The front door shut behind Milo and his son. I turned around to see my mother smirking.

“So,” she began to say, amused. “Milo drove you home tonight, huh?”

“Mom,” I said, sighing at the thought.

“I’m just saying, destiny put you and Milo together in the same vicinity again.” My mom looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “Maybe it’s trying to tell you something.”

“Yeah; that I need to get my license so I can drive myself to places,” I said, walking toward the kitchen. My mom and I’s relationship got stronger in the time I was away from home. I felt like she was finally seeing me as an adult rather than just her daughter. This was one of those moments that she was balancing them both.

“You and Milo have been best friends since you were kids. You guys fight over everything and still made up.”

“What’s your point?” I asked, knowing my mom was sugarcoating the real conversation. The smile faded from Mom’s face, knowing her tactics from when I was a kid will not work on her 25 year old daughter.

“You just don’t drop someone that has always been like family,” she spat back, now in a more non-bullshit tone. “Plus, your sister is best friends with Milo’s son.”

“That has nothing to do with me,” I said nonchalantly, grabbing the bowl of fruit from the fridge. Mom swipes it away, grabbing my full attention. “Mom?”

“Pep. I know you so well. I know Milo just as well, and I know there’s been times in the past when… friendship crossed its boundaries into different territory–“

“Milo literally told me that Cullen was only going to marry me to be his caregiver, Mom! This was more than just a simple argument.”

“They’re all never simple when it comes with Milo.” I hated how right my mom was when it came to Milo. If there was any adult in my life that knew how deep my friendship with Milo was, it would be her. Still, it bothered me when she would remind me just how complicated our friendship was.

“Mom, this time is different. Things were said that shouldn’t have been said, and–“

“That never stopped you from being friends before.” I gave my mother this certain look, one that she knows it’s the face of uncertainty. Younger Pep would’ve been super angry at Milo, not talk to him for a couple of periods in the day, and then somehow meet up for pizza at the shop to talk things through. Even though I am older now, I feel like I am letting my younger self down by not trying to work things out with Milo. What if he doesn’t want to work things out? What if he’s still with Marielle and that’s why he’s acting the way he’s acting. I mean, I’m not being any better if I’m also holding on to the–

“Peppie?”

“Huh?” I snapped out of my spiraling thoughts, now focused on my mom. She sighed as she walked by, patting my shoulder along the way.

“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but you can’t expect new tricks to make sense if you don’t know your old dog.” My mother spoke in ridiculous riddles in times like these; I’d like to believe she grew up watching too much 90’s family sitcoms or something. But, in a sense, I know what she was talking about.

I couldn’t sleep that following night. I stared up at the ceiling fan, spinning endlessly in its loop. One year and six months. One year and six months since Milo actually spoke to each other, and for one year and six months, my life was completely different. For one year and six months, I lived a life that I thought I wanted. One away from my family, away from New York, away from Milo.

How did we even get here? Did it have to take Cullen’s passing for me to realize I was living someone else’s life? Did it have to take me leaving everything behind in North Carolina for me to realize that New York was always supposed to be home? Did it take everything that happened in this past year and six months to realize that I was running from everything from my own life.

I nervously bounce my leg as I sat at the pizza booth; the same one I sat at when I was younger. The pizza shop didn’t change one bit since last being in here. It’s busier these days, as they aways were during the summertime. Every time the bell of the door rang I turned my head, looking at who entered the shop. You’re acting manic, Pep. I sighed, shutting my eyes for a slight second to ease the never ending thoughts.

“Pep?”

I looked up, seeing Milo stand there.

The Something Series: 뭔가 다른 것

Something to Internally Panic About: A Jamie Monologue.

I rolled over to face Grace’s side of the bed, hoping to hold her close to me as we slept that night. I scrunched my eyebrows as I opened up one eye, noticing I was cuddling her body pillow instead. I sat up, turning on the lamp on my nightstand. Grace was nowhere to be found in our bedroom. “Jagiya?

I got up, opening the bedroom door as I tied my rope across my body. I noticed Grace cleaning the kitchen counter in a frenzy. “Jagiya?” She quickly turned around to see me, standing in the open area.

“Hi, Jamie,” she greeted me with a smile. I walked closer to the kitchen, washing her clean what looked like a spotless counter already.

“What are you doing up so late?”

“This kitchen was super dirty from dinner last night,” Grace answered, now opening the empty dishwasher. “Remind me to call maintenance sometime tomorrow; all the dishes I washed earlier did not get clean as guaranteed–“

“Ya“, I intervened, clearly not awake to have this conversation with Grace. “It’s 3:30 in the morning; why are you cleaning at this hour?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” Grace closed the dishwasher and walked to the refrigerator. She opened the door, analyzing the inside of it. “I should really throw away any old food in here…” I sighed, walking over to Grace and closing the fridge door on her. She looked at me, not happy about that whatsoever. “Jamie.”

Jagiya,” I said back in some tone as Grace. I smile, rubbing my face with my hands to wake myself up completely. “What’s going on? We have the 6-month check-up of agi in literally 6 hours.”

“6 hours?” Grace repeated. “That should give me time to reorganize the closet by season!” I grabbed Grace by the arm before she was able to walk away.

“Grace,” I finally said. She sighed as she finally looked at me. She knows I’m serious when I call her by her first name. “What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” she admitted. “I kept tossing and turning, then I was hot and cold, and then Baby wanted a late-night snack, so I came into the kitchen and saw that the counter wasn’t cleaned properly, and so I went ahead and started cleaning the entire kitchen.” If there was something I always knew about Grace was that she was naturally a productive person, but when it becomes excessive like this, it’s more connected to something else that is on her mind. I took her hand and walked to the couch with her, sitting her down next to me. It was time for Unpaid Therapist Jamie.

“Something tells me you’re super anxious about this appointment later today,” I mentioned.

“What? Of course not! It’s just another check-up appointment to see how Baby is doing, and–“

“The one where we decide whether or not we want to know the sex of the baby,” I said bluntly. Once I was the one to say it out loud, the avalanche of worries began to pour out of Grace.

“Jamie, I’m terrified,” Grace finally admitted. “What if something is wrong with the baby? What if the doctor isn’t able to tell what the sex of the baby is?” She gasped as she continued her racing train of thought. “What if–“

Jagiya,” I smiled at her, finding it wholesome that she was feeling as nervous as she did. “The only difference with this appointment is that we can find out if it’s going to be a boy or a girl.” She looked at me with a peculiar look on her face, almost stunned.

“And that doesn’t scare you? Knowing that it’s about to be so real?” Grace questioned.

“So that’s what’s keeping you up,” I leaned back on the couch, crossing my arms along my chest. “Knowing the sex of agi is making it feel like things are real now.” I tried my best to play it off, just to show Grace that she was worrying about nothing regarding this appointment. “Is your growing belly not making things feel real?” Grace doesn’t find it comforting.

“Knowing what we’re having makes me realize that I am actually carrying a human being for the next few months. Right now, I just feel like it’s just another part of my body.” Grace genuinely looked nervous. I get closer to her to wrap my arm around her, rubbing her leg with my hand for reassurance.

“Isn’t that the beauty of the experience? Knowing that we can start picking out names for agi, buy things unique to them, and be ready for their arrival?” I rubbed the top of her stomach in hopes it would calm her down a bit. “Didn’t you find out when you were having Willow?”

“I chose not to find out,” she confessed. I was shocked, not knowing that piece of information before. “I was in a different space back then. I was trying to hide my pregnancy as long as I possibly could, so knowing the sex of the baby was… something I didn’t want to know.” Hearing Grace talk about her pregnancy with Willow made me sad for her. She had to have this certain attitude about being pregnant with Willow, as if she had to play a role in order to not put her career at risk.

Grace loves Willow. I concluded that the first time I saw Grace with Willow; at the cafe when she was just a baby. She spoke about her first pregnancy on multiple occasions, but always left out what she actually went through at that time. I bring her in for a hug, kissing her forehead before saying anything back. Maybe I didn’t have to say anything back; maybe this was the answer she needed. To know that things are different this time around. She’s older now, and she has a career that she loves. Her family and friends all know about the baby, and all she has to do in these 9 months is simply welcome them into the world.

“Things are different this time,” I reassured. “There’s simply no obstacles in our way to make this time not feel real.”

“Does that make me a bad mom? Not finding out what the sex was when I was having Willow?” I scrunched my eyebrows, upset that she would even think such a thing. I looked at her, concerned to see tears falling down her face.

“You are nothing close to being a bad mom.” I brushed my thumb along her cheek, wiping the fallen tears. “Not only are you an amazing mom to Willow, you’re also going to be an amazing mom to agi.” Grace tightly smiled at me, letting another tear fall down from her eye.

“How are you so calm about this?” Grace genuinely asked. “Here I am, freaking out about something I went through once, and the person who’s experiencing this for the first time ever is super chill?”

“One of us has to be the voice of reason,” I teased, smiling at her. “There can’t be two parents freaking out at the same time. And while yes, I do think about the fact that in three months, I’ll be a first-time father, but… I can’t let you see me sweat over it. I have to be strong for you, especially in times like this.” Grace laughed, rolling her eyes at me. She leaned in to kiss me on the lips, playing in my hair with her fingers. “Come on, let’s go to bed before we’re both delirious at the check-up tomorrow.”

I could see Grace’s head following my back-and-forth pacing in the ultrasound room. Grace sits there, taking in a deep breath before she grabs me, midway into panic mode.

“Jamie!” Grace whispered to me. “What the hell has gotten into you?”

“Nothing, jagiya,” I said, tugging at my sweater. “Why is it 80 degrees in this office?” Grace rolled her eyes, pulling me down to the seat next to her.

“What happened to one of us needed to be cool, calm, and collected in this situation?!”

“I still am,” I said, bouncing my leg in place. Grace watched me and crossed her arms along her chest.

“Pacing back and forth isn’t really calm,” Grace noted. “Jamie, are you sure you’re okay?” It was now me dealing with the avalanche of thoughts.

“You were right,” I started to say. “This feels too real now that we’re here. I mean, this is going to be our first time knowing the sex of the baby! The baby is real now! Like, an actual human being,” I looked down at Grace’s belly. “Agi, give us some time!” Grace giggled, tussling my hair as I looked back up at her.

“It’s okay to be nervous, Jamie,” Grace smiled as she said. “And it’s okay to not be the reassuring one this time. This is just as nerve-wrecking for you as it is for me.” I smiled at Grace, kissing her on the cheek, glad to have Grace here picking me up when I need it. It wasn’t long after the doctor came into the room, greeting both of us.

“Mom, Dad, welcome back,” she smiled as she sat on the stool. “How are we feeling today?”

“Okay, nervous,” Grace let out an anxious breath, holding her stomach.

“That’s completely normal at this point in the pregnancy,” the doctor said, preparing the machine to perform the ultrasound. She looked at me and smiled. “And how are you feeling, Dad?”

“I… uhm…” My throat was dry, and I felt like I was sitting in a sauna at this point. I watched as she prepared the bottle of gel on the scanner and turned on the machine to start the appointment. This was it. This was the moment when it was going to feel even more real. Am I ready? Will I ever feel ready? We are literally going to be a family in 3 months. In 3 months, I’m going to be a father. Grace looked over at me, trying to get me to calm down by rubbing my bouncing leg. “Good.” The doctor didn’t say anything after that; she simply smiled and continued with her work.

The doctor puts the scanner back down next to the machine and instructs Grace to lie back on the chair to prepare for the ultrasound. “So, Baby seems like they are in a perfect position at this point in the pregnancy, which is great; have you been experiencing more aches and pains in your body?” the doctor asked Grace.

“Oh yeah,” Grace nervously laughs it off, holding her belly. “My lower back has been hurting more these days, and I’m not able to stay up on my feet for too long.” The doctor nods her head, agreeing with Grace’s response.

“I will say that compared to your medical record for your first pregnancy, the baby this time around is slightly bigger at this stage, and it makes a difference when your body is of a smaller build.” Aigoo. I knew how much Grace had been struggling over the last month alone, unable to fully do the things that kept her productive. She was frustrated when she couldn’t, and sometimes would take it out on me when I tried to help her. I know she didn’t mean it, especially since Grace was naturally the type of woman who did things herself.

The doctor looked at me afterwards. “Dad, we recommend a couple of times a day to relieve Mom from lower back pain by simply holding her belly up, relieving some of that tension.”

“I, uhm,” I cleared my throat, unable to form a single sentence. Grace looked at me with a worried look. Aigoo, now I’m making her even more nervous, and now we are officially both the nervous parents.

“Before we begin, can I speak to you outside for a moment, Dad?” the doctor said as she took her gloves off. I looked at Grace before getting up, walking out of the room with the doctor. She closes the door once we’re both in the hallway, away from Grace. “Please know that it is completely normal to feel how you are feeling in this situation. Many first-time dads come in here with these overwhelming feelings, even when they try to be the strong one between both parents.” I cocked my eyebrow up, wondering how she knew this was my first time, but she mentioned this was Grace’s second.

“I’m just trying to be strong for Grace, but I can’t say it’s easy,” I admitted. The doctor nodded her head, understanding what I was saying.

“Of course,” she began to say. “Remember, you are also going through all the emotions of a person who is going to be a father for the first time. These appointments can make things feel real, real fast.” I let out a deep breath, shaking the nerves out of my hands. “It’s okay to be the strong one between you and Grace, while also feeling everything being a first-time father.”

“Thank you,” I said. The doctor smiled and opened the door to the room once more. Grace was prepared in the chair, her belly exposed and ready for the ultrasound. I walked over to Grace while the doctor spoke to her assistant briefly.

“Are you okay?” Grace asked. I smiled and nodded my head, putting my hand into hers. The doctor walked back to the table, putting on a new pair of gloves.

“Okay,” she said, turning the machine on. “Let’s see how Baby is doing.” The assistant turned off the lights as the doctor placed the scanner against Grace’s belly. I was getting nervous when it took the doctor some time to find agi. I stared at the screen intently, anticipating the moment I got to see them again. Immediately, agi came on screen, and I was completely in awe. They’ve grown so much since the last time we got to see them. Agi is looking like an actual agi now.

I looked at Grace as she stared at the screen. Her face is wet; the glaze from the screen hit her face. I take Grace’s hand and kiss it, rubbing her knuckles to remind her I’m here. I’m here, jagiya; right now, and forever.

“Baby is looking really good,” the doctor began to explain. “Ten little fingers, and ten little toes.” There’s really a baby on that screen, in Grace’s belly, with ten fingers, ten toes, a head, and a face… one that will resemble both Grace and me. The doctor smiles and now looks at us. “Of course, I’ll print out some pictures for you to take home, and if you’d like, we could also let you know the sex of the baby. Would that be something you’d like to find out today?”

“Ye-” As I begin to answer the doctor’s question, at the same time as Grace, she answers frantically.

“No,” she answered. I looked at her, not expecting that to be her answer. The doctor looked at both of us and tightly smiled.

“Perhaps I’ll let you two discuss; I’ll be back in 10 minutes,” the doctor said, getting up from her chair and walking out of the room with the assistant.

Jagiya,” I began the conversation. “What’s wrong?”

“Maybe you were right,” Grace started to explain. “Knowing the sex of the baby is making this feel too real, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for it to feel this real.”

“It’s already real,” I tried explaining to Grace. “Look how far we’ve come already–“

“I’m not ready for it to be real yet, Jamie,” she pleaded. “Once we find out if it’s a boy or girl, this baby isn’t just something happening. It’s like… I’m carrying a human baby that is going to come into this world.” I took Grace by both hands and held them tight to refocus her mind on me, trying to make her see that this time is different. Our story is different. Our love is different. We are able to welcome this baby into the world together with the intent of being its parents. She never has to worry whether or not she will be alone in this process again. She can simply continue to grow our little baby until it’s time to be their parents. As scary as it sounds, I can’t help but feel a wave of excitement knowing that this baby is mine. This baby is ours, created out of unconditional and pure love.

“You don’t have to be scared this time, Grace. You don’t have to hide something as beautiful and magical as bringing a child into this world. You don’t have to constantly live in survival mode and live this experience alone. I am right by your side on this journey. I will always be right by your side.” I leaned in and gently kissed Grace on the lips, as if I was sealing in that promise. “I love you, jagiya.”

“I love you too, Jamie,” Grace said as her hormones got the best of her. I quickly reached for some tissues, handing them over to Grace. “Gosh, I’m a mess,” she said, laughing as she wiped her eyes with the tissue. I smiled at her, placing my hand on her leg.

Forever my mess,” I teased, which made Grace giggle. The doctor came back into the room with pictures of the ultrasound in her hand and sat back down in her chair.

“Everything okay, Mom and Dad?” she asked us. Mom and Dad. Oh, how I love the sound of that.

“Yes, we are,” I answered for us, never letting go of Grace’s hand. Grace cleared her throat and got herself together before she spoke.”

“We would like to know the sex of the baby today,” she stated with such confidence. That’s my girl. The doctor rolled her chair closer to us, showing us the various pictures from the ultrasound.

“Typically, we could determine the gender by a singular nub. It’s hard to determine when you’re not familiar with what you should look for, but with some direction, you’ll see exactly what we see.” She points at a certain area of the picture, explaining the different parts of it.

“So to conclude everything I explained,” the doctor laughed as she spoke. “I can confidently say that you are having a beautiful, healthy… baby girl.”

Later that night, Grace and I celebrated the news in the absolute best way possible. Grace and I laid in bed, naked underneath the comforter. I held her in my arms, her belly slightly resting on my side. I comb my fingers through her hair as she rests her head on my chest.

Jagiya,” I whispered in her hair. She lifted her head up to look at me.

Jamie.” I looked down at her, caught off guard by the way she said my name.

gwaenchanheuseyo? Are you okay?” She smiled at me, readjusting herself to sit up next to me.

“Thank you.”

I was confused. “For what?”

“For talking me through it today,” Grace began to explain. “I… didn’t have that when I was having Willow.” The night Grace told me she was pregnant, she expressed how genuinely scared she was going through it again. She had explained that her first pregnancy was more of a secret between her and Willow’s father. They had both worked in the same law firm as interns, knowing that they had a restrict policy with interwork relationships. She was young, still trying to figure who she was, but forced to live in a world where she didn’t belong as a 25 year old. She vividly recalled how her first trimester was; calling out of work because it was hard to act as normal as possible trying to hide the reason she was constantly sick. I promised her from that day on, I’d be apart of every single process with her.

I made sure that I was available for every appointment she had. I made sure I woke up every morning and remind her to take her prenatal vitamins. I made sure she ate something sustainable on days she was sick. I made sure she never would feel like she was alone in this process, and that if she ever felt like she couldn’t do it, I was there cheering her on.

I gently kissed her on the forehead, smiling back at her. “You don’t have to thank me, jagiya. You’ve already given me possibly the best thing I’d ever get, that no one else can give to me.”

“I’m going to pretend that you’re also talking about me, and not only our daughter.” Grace teased. Our daughter.

“The second best thing then,” I teased back, smiling as I kissed her lips. I took a breath, getting my mind focused. “Okay, so she is not going to date boys until she graduates high school.”

Grace laughed as she crossed her arms along her chest. “She’s not even here yet, and you’re already setting ground rules?”

“We didn’t even know agi was a girl this time yesterday; we missed precious moments to set down some rules for her when she’s here!” I said, already getting into my protective girl dad mode.

Grace cupped my face gently. “Oh God, I can already tell she’s going to be a daddy’s girl.”

“But she’ll have your personality for sure,” I promised, getting the feeling that agi was going to keep me on my toes the way Grace does. I hold Grace close that night, feeling her body drift away to sleep in my arms while also holding yeoja agi, our baby girl, in her belly.

I wouldn’t trade my girls for anything else in the world.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: How I’m Learning to be Uncomfortable.

The scariest thing about being high-functioning is that you find loopholes in every thought, action, and belief you have because you were trained things must be black and white. Certain. Absolute. I always knew that was unrealistic and that things almost always have a gray area to explore, but your black-and-white brain tells you “Nope! We must be certain about this”.

The older I get, the more I am realizing that many of my beliefs, thoughts, and actions are now in question; it feels like I am learning my way around life all over again. Because of that, I now second-guess every thought, every action, and every belief I once held onto for so long. Is this a normal thing to experience? To feel like a newborn baby opening their eyes to the world for the first time?

It makes me super uncomfortable, and I am learning to stay uncomfortable.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I am an uncomfortable 32-year-old woman who is sitting in her uncomfortableness for a greater outcome.

Lemme explain.

The idea of being uncomfortable came up a couple of times in therapy when discussing OCD, trichotillomania, and even discovered that I have a specific attachment type that I need to work on. To make a long story short, I entered the new year having possibly one of the biggest reality checks I’ve had in a really long time. It truly put the idea of unspoken conversations in a new light, and I am notorious for not speaking up in a way that doesn’t feel dangerous or threatening to the things I care about. Most people are able to voice out their wants and their needs whereas I have a hard time doing so. It even gets to the point where I can mix up being independent with avoidant, distant, and eventually feel resentment because of this “push-pull” mechanism I put myself in unknowingly.

That push-pull thing is due to uncertainty, and my brain tells me that having certainty is a necessity, not because it is, but simply because it allows me to be in control of the situation. It allows me to sit comfortable.

Being comfortable isn’t necessarily all bad; we all want to be comfortable to some degree, but when that comfortability hinders your growth as a person, and causes you to play things safe despite what you really want, it leaves you feeling dissatisfied. It leaves you in a place where you’re now uncomfortable for being uncomfortable. Are you with me?

I am learning to be uncomfortable for various reasons. For one, I am getting older, and my wants and needs are constantly shifting to things that seem “unsafe” to my comfort zone. Secondly, I value myself a lot more than I did when I was younger, and while I too deserve to express myself in vulnerable situations, I still revert back to mechanisms that do not align with this version of myself anymore. The comfort zone.

Being uncomfortable means that there’s a lot of moments where I feel like I am constantly doubting my own thoughts and beliefs; questioning the validity of the things I once deemed certain. But that’s what being uncomfortable is.

It’s not the greatest feeling, and I wish there was some sort of way I could be okay with the uncomfortable feeling. But wouldn’t that just mean I’m comfortable? Not necessarily. I can feel uncomfortable and be okay with the fact that I am. And I am, tremendously.

Maybe that just comes with being an adult. Maybe your adulthood is just being uncomfortable, never knowing if you are on the right track, or the relationships you have are the right ones to have. You can even tie motherhood with that, and wonder if the choices you make will affect your child in any way. Ugh, another thing I know I will highly struggle with if that is the path I go down in my own future.

Anyway, back to the present: being uncomfortable has been teaching me to be authentic with myself. Express the uncomfortable things that makes me human and not feel like an absolute burden for having needs and wants as a human. Speak up for myself, even when they are as minor as asking for the Wi-Fi password at a lounge so that I can work remotely on my laptop. Asking for help when I feel like I am absolutely spiraling down without thinking it makes me a weak person. Also, (big reveal now) being okay with not knowing my exact path through life beforehand…

… now that’s being uncomfortable and living with it.

There’s so much more I have to learn, and for the most part I’m looking forward to it. I truly feel like I am at the point of my life where you can either have it all together, or don’t; but who the fuck cares? Who is watching you with a checklist of things you must have or must do in order to feel certainty with life? If no one else cares, neither should I. It’s my life; it’s now or never… I ain’t gonna live forever!

Yes, I totally just threw out a Bon Jovi lyric and now I’m signing off. ❤

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #55: And, Everything Seems (to be) Okay.

Milo walks down Gwen’s block, hoping that she would be hanging out in her treehouse. He’s checked nearly every day to see if Gwen was there. She wasn’t. Today, Milo decided to change the narrative for once.

He takes a deep breath before ringing the doorbell. Shortly after, Gwen’s mom, Beth, opens the door.

Beth: Oh! Hi, Milo.

Milo: *nervous* Hi, Mrs. Messrow… is Gwen home?

Beth calls out for Gwen, making Milo even more nervous than he was.

Beth: I’m glad you’re here to see her. I feel like all she needs is to see a friend.

Milo nodded his head, watching Gwen walking down the stairs. She looks at Milo, taken completely off-guard.

Beth: Ah, sweetie! Milo’s here to see you.

Gwen reaches the bottom of the stairs and puts on a smile.

Gwen: Hi, Milo.

Milo: I just wanted to see if you wanted to hang out today; go to the park or something.

Beth: *intervenes* That’s a great idea! *to Gwen* Just make it back home before dinner, okay?

Gwen: Okay.

Milo tightens his smile, happy to finally see Gwen in person, yet alone get to hang out with her.

The teens walk along the trail in Prospect Park, watching kids play frisbee in the grass and people riding their bikes. Milo turns his head, observing a young mother pushing a baby stroller along the pathway.

The teens stop at a bench to sit. Nothing has been said between the two for the entirety of the walk. Milo looks at Gwen, who is mindlessly looking out towards the grassy area.

Milo: We could sit in the grass if you want.

Gwen turns her head, facing Milo.

Gwen: No it’s okay, it’s probably super hot sitting out in the sun like that.

Milo: It is super hot today.

Awkward silence. Milo clears his throat before he speaks. Gwen beats him to it though.

Gwen: You don’t have to tip toe around me, you know.

Milo: *confused* Huh?

Gwen: Don’t treat me differently now that… you know…

Milo is taken back by Gwen’s blunt statements. He blinks, trying to gather his composure.

Milo: How are you feeling? Honestly.

Gwen takes a moment to think.

Gwen: I’ve been sick these last couple of days. I keep telling my mom is just some stomach bug. I don’t know how much longer I can really keep that story for.

Milo: Why don’t we both sit down with your parents and tell them?

Gwen’s eyes widen in shock.

Gwen: Are you crazy? My dad alone will chew you up and spit you out.

Milo rubs the back of his neck nervously, letting out a deep breath.

Milo: It’s the risk I’m willing to take for you.

Gwen looks at Milo as he slightly smiles at her for reassurance. She scoffs, shaking her head.

Gwen: How are you so calm about this?

Milo: One of us has to be the other person’s anchor to lift them up.

Gwen smiles, which makes him feel better. He smiles back at her. He gets up from the bench, reaching out his hand to Gwen.

Milo: Let’s enjoy the day. No worries, no needing to think about what’s to come. Let’s just focus on today.

Gwen: *smiles* I’d like that.

The two teens slowly walk down a pathway; this time they are holding hands. The smile on Milo’s face doesn’t disappear, and Gwen notices.

Gwen: What are you even thinking about?

Milo: *laughs* Honestly? I’m just happy we’re finally hanging out. *shy* I… actually missed you.

Gwen: Missed me?

Milo: You know; we went from seeing each other every day in school to now just every once in a while. I also wanted to give you your space after we last spoke.

Gwen: *sigh* I feel like I needed to do a lot of thinking by myself, for myself; you know?

Milo raises an eyebrow, tentative to Gwen’s response.

Gwen: All this stress isn’t good for me, or for the baby.

‘The baby’. Milo’s body feels tingly as the words escape Gwen’s mouth. He smiles without even knowing. Gwen notices right away.

Gwen: What?

Milo: It’s just the way that you included the baby with your worries…

Milo smiles wide, which makes Gwen feel shy.

Gwen: I have to! If we are going to do this, we have to do it the right way!

Milo’s eyebrows cock up, surprised. He doesn’t want to look nervous to Gwen, as he promised he was the anchor in this. He smiles.

Milo: I agree.

Gwen smiles at Milo before taking out a notebook from her bag. Milo watches her intently with admiration.

Gwen: To mask the scary parts about this, I’ve been thinking about things… like the future. I thought that everything I wanted to do in life was over because of this one bump in the road; no pun intended.

Milo: *laughs* What did you have in mind?

Gwen: I know we’re only going to be sophomores in the Fall, but I’ve been doing some studying for the PSATs to prep for college.

Milo: College?

Gwen gives Milo a look. Milo backtracks.

Milo: I mean, you said it yourself that we’re only going to be sophomores; why don’t we think about how to get through sophomore year?

Gwen slightly raises an eyebrow, seeming annoyed.

Milo: I’m glad you’re thinking so far ahead into the future, but… can we think about what is happening now?

Gwen: Did you not hear me say that I’ve been masking away that thought?

Milo: You mean the thought that we have a baby on the way and no one knows besides us and–

Milo stops his train of thought. Gwen looks at Milo, scrunching her eyebrows.

Gwen: Finish your sentence.

Milo: I did–

Gwen: *stern* Let me guess; you ran and went to tell your best friend, huh?

Milo: *scoffs* What? What are you even–

Gwen: Milo.

Milo looks at Gwen, who now seems disappointed in him. He lets out a deep breath before answering her.

Milo: She’s the only person I can trust with this.

Gwen: *gets up, frantic* Milo!

Milo: What?!

Gwen: Why would you go and tell Jennifer about this?!

Milo: She’s my–

Gwen: No!

Milo is taken back by Gwen’s reaction.

Gwen: You had no right telling her my business like that!

Milo: *annoyed* Our business, Gwen. I have every right to confine with my best friend about something as serious as this.

Gwen: You’re not the one that has to go back to school in September to everyone staring at you because you’re wearing baggy clothes to hide your growing stomach! You don’t have to come up with a plan to tell your parents that their only child is deciding to keep a baby despite only being 15! Your everyday life will look absolutely the same that it did freshman year; mine won’t!

Milo: It’s like you only want to listen to me when it’s something you want to hear, but fail to hear the fact that we’re on the same goddamn pedestal! If you fall off the platform, we both fall off!

Gwen: The fact you trust Jennifer with this is mind-boggling, considering the fact that she clearly has an opinion about me.

Milo: She just needs to get to know you better–

Gwen: She doesn’t, Milo! That’s the issue! How can I trust someone that only has your best interest in mind?

Milo: Because if I have your best interest in mind, she has to as well!

Gwen doesn’t say anything back. Milo sighs.

Milo: Gwen, I know I’m not going to experience everything you’re going to. Hypothetically speaking, you will be spending more time with the baby these next 9 months than me, which I think is the better alternative.

Gwen rolls her eyes, less tense than before.

Milo: I’m not saying you and Pep have to be best friends now, but… you’ve become such a major part of my life these last couple of months; this is just another part of the equation now.

Gwen looks at Milo with worried eyes. Milo pulls Gwen in for a hug, as if he is protecting her from the outside world.

Milo: We’re going to be okay, Gwen.

Milo and Gwen pull away from each other, looking in each other’s eyes. Milo slowly leans in, kissing Gwen on the lips. She kisses Milo back. Sparks fly.