The mornings Grace and I once had before Maki was born were long gone, and now mainly consisted of us feeding and changing her all before the 8 o’clock news came on.
On most mornings, I was the first one to wake up. I would let Grace get a little bit more sleep before she wakes up having to care for Maki. To help her ease into these mornings, I would make sure the coffee pot was the first thing I turned on when walking into the kitchen. The sound of the coffee brewing was one of my favorite things, only because it’s not long after that that I hear Maki through the baby monitor wide awake and ready to get out of her crib. I would then walk into her room, grab Maki and rock her in my arms, greeting her good morning before taking her into the living room. It’s then when Grace walks out of the bedroom, rubbing the last bit of sleep away from her eyes, and takes Maki from me.
This morning was different.
My alarm went off for 6AM; the sun was barely even up for the day. I looked over to my right and immediately rub my eyes. Grace is not in the bed.
“Jagiya?” I called out, clearing my throat and throwing on a robe and slippers. I looked around the room to no answer. I walked out of the bedroom, noticing the coffee pot was on and that my mug was already sitting next to it. “Grace?”
The door to Maki’s room opened, and out comes Grace holding Maki. I smiled at my girls, walking up to give Grace a kiss. A kiss was not a part of Grace’s agenda this morning.
She instead hands me Maki in a frenzy. “Not today!” She power walked to the bedroom, which I was super confused in what was happening. Before walking toward the bedroom to check on her, I immediately notice the wall calendar in our kitchen. Aigoo, today Grace returns to work.
I walked into the bedroom with Maki, watching Grace quickly put on clothes for the day. She turned around and saw me standing there, startling her.
“God, Jamie,” she said, holding her chest. “I love you, but you need to get out of here.”
I was more confused than ever. “What?” I scoffed. Grace walked to me, pushing me back towards the exit of our bedroom door.
“Leave,” she demanded, pushing me even more. Once she successfully pushed me out, she closed the door behind me. I looked at Maki, who seem to be just as confused.
“Is everything okay?” I asked Grace through the door. She doesn’t answer back right away, which led me to knock on the door once more. “Grace?”
The door swings open, and Grace is now wearing her business casual outfit. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen Grace dress up, yet alone put on real pants instead of sweats.
“You look beau–“
“Yeah, yeah,” Grace dismissed, walking towards the small coat closet, looking for something. “I’m not going to allow you to distract me.”
“Distract you?” I questioned.
“Yes, Jamie; distract,” she emphasized. “I am not going to allow you to distract me and keep me from going back to work.”
I laughed before I responded back. “I guess I’ll let you use me as an excuse today; it is your first day back–“
“Is it too soon?” Grace finally looked at me and asked. I was starting to realize this wasn’t just the normal kind of anxiety one feels about returning back to work; this was a Grace level of anxiety about returning back to work. “Maybe I should’ve–“
“Ya,” I interrupted her spiraling thought process. “If it was too soon, you wouldn’t have gotten yourself ready for work today.” Grace looked at me before looking at Maki. I was grateful that in the months that Maki has been here, she has really lightened up to me and didn’t fuss in my arms when holding her. “Maki is going to be fine.”
“I don’t know,” Grace said, letting out a stressful sigh. “What if she realizes I’m gone and she starts to panic? What if something happens to her and I’m not here?”
“I’m right here, jagiya,” I tried to reassure her, hoping she would listen to me. “I just have an online lecture at 10 this morning and then I’m free the entire day.” Grace didn’t look convinced. She simply walked away toward the kitchen, opening up all the drawers as if she was looking for something. Getting her to calm down this morning was not going to happen.
I placed Maki in her rocker before walking toward Grace, gently closing the current drawer she was looking in. She looked up at me.
“Jamie–“
“Grace,” I said back, leaving her pet name out of this discussion. “You decided this date to go back to the academy. I think you’re just psyching yourself out because of Maki.”
“What if she gets separation anxiety?” she asked.
“Jagiya, she’s about to be 5 months old; I don’t think she even knows what that is yet.” I smiled tightly at her, trying to ease her own anxiety. “She’s going to be fine.”
“You promise?” Grace finally looked up at me and said. I pull her in for a tight hug, kissing the top of her head before answering her.
“I promise,” I gently said to Grace.
…
“Alright everyone, midterms are quickly approaching us, which means the proposals for your case studies are due in a couple of weeks,” I started to say to my online class. I didn’t realize how much I actually enjoyed teaching until I was given the opportunity to. While I also enjoyed working out on the field, there was something rewarding about teaching perspective law students the things I learned in law school. Plus, teaching was a lot less demanding than being active on a case. Maki was the only thing that needed to be demanding in my life.
I gathered my papers before continuing the lecture. “So, the first of order of business is–” Suddenly, a noise is heard coming through the baby monitor. It didn’t sound like much, so I went ahead to teach the class. “Like I was saying, we should–” A louder cry is heard now, and I begin to grow anxious. Maki-ya… “We should be referring to the text for resources…” Maki’s cry continues, and I can now see my students looking at their screens with a confused look on their face.
I cleared my throat. “I apologize, please give me a minute,” I said, running out of the bedroom and across the apartment. I opened the door of Maki’s room, noticing she was wide awake from her nap.
“Maki-ya,” I said, picking her up from her crib. “Museun il-ieyo? What’s wrong?” Maki cries out, her gummy mouth appearing after every wail. I tired to rock her in my arms; that wasn’t working. I kept looking at my watch for the time, knowing I needed to get back to my lecture before my students start wondering what happened.
For the next couple of minutes, I tried almost everything to help Maki stop crying. I tried rocking her, giving her a bottle, and even poorly singing to her; nothing was working. I was becoming more anxious, needing to desperately return back to the lecture. I quickly sat down and placed Maki on my lap, letting her sit up and lean against me. It was like something finally clicked. Maki immediately stop crying and started to look at her surroundings. I looked down at her, watching her observe the room.
“You just wanted to sit on appa‘s lap?” I asked her as if she was able to answer me. “I can’t just keep you on my lap all day, princess.” She cooed loudly as if she knew what I was even saying to her. Suddenly, a light bulb went off in my head. I know it was a stupid idea and appeared unprofessional, but like everything else in my life these last couple of years, things have been everything but normal.
I walked back into the room, turning my camera back on for my students. This time, I have Maki strapped on my chest, looking intently at the screen in front of her. I notice some students react to the sight of Maki.
“Sorry about that everyone,” I began to say, handing Maki one of her plush toys. “My daughter insisted she help run today’s lecture.” Some of the students smiled, while others audibly awed.
I didn’t realize just how much Maki enjoyed being this close to me. She was definitely still more of a mama’s girl, but Maki seemed to always wanted to be a part of whatever I was doing. She was also a very chatty baby, and definitely had her opinions during today’s review of the case we are studying. Can I stay like this forever?
…
Grace came home around 6 o’clock that evening, immediately taking her shoes off at the door and dropping her bag next to them. I turned around, smiling at my hard-working girl.
“Jagiya,” I greeted her, kissing her forehead. Grace immediately looked at my chest, noticing Maki just hanging out there.
“My Maki girl,” Grace began to lift her up from the carrier, but Maki protested against it. Grace quickly put her down, which causes Maki to stop crying. She looked at me confused.
“She’s been attached to me all day,” I started to explain. “She refuses to be taken out of the sling.”
“She’s been in this all day?” Grace asked, sitting next to us at the kitchen table.
“She basically taught my lecture today,” I joked around, looking down at Maki. “I mean, they loved her, but she wouldn’t let me take her out of this.”
“I leave to go to work one day and she’s already turning into daddy’s girl,” she teased, looking up at me. “I told you she’d be.”
I smiled before I said anything. “How was your first day back?” Grace’s eyes lit up, smiling before she responded.
“So good! Aimee and Maurice gave me the heads up that this cohort of students where halfway into learning the dance for the Autumn showcase. It felt so good to go back and dance.” It was nice to hear Grace speak like that. I know how tough the last couple of months it’s been for Grace to get back into the swing of things, especially since having Maki. Maki has been such a life-changing aspect for both of us; we both didn’t realize just how much of ourselves got lost in the gist of being her parents.
Maki cooed loudly, flailing a toy around before dropping it on the floor. Grace quickly picked it up, handing it back to her.
“And how was your day, Maki?” Grace smiled as she spoke to her. Maki smiled, excitedly wiggling in the sling. I could see the exhaustion from work erase from Grace’s face. It was always so interesting to see Grace transform with Maki. I wouldn’t dare ever ask her if she was simply lying to me whenever she called herself a bad mom in the past; she’s been everything but that in the months we’ve had Maki.
…
“Yeah, I’m coming down right now,” I said over the phone, grabbing the last things I needed with Maki strapped on my chest. I was grateful that she enjoyed being in this as much as she did; she made multi-tasking so much more easy these days.
I placed a tiny baby hat on top of Maki’s head, getting her ready to venture out into the Autumn night. I stood in front of our bedroom mirror as Maki cooed playfully. Aigoo, who would’ve thought this is how I’d look like these days.
“Junbidwaess-eo?” I asked Maki in Korean without translating afterwards. She cooed loudly, which made me smile. “Uwa,” I said, shocked as if she could understand what I was saying. Maki wiggled in the sling, flailing her arms excitedly. “Sounds like you’re ready.”
I exited the apartment building and immediately see the cab out front. “I entered the cab, greeting both the cab driver and Shawn in the passengers seat.
“Maki!” Shawn smiled as he greeted her before me. I looked at him before he noticed me actually looking at him. “What?”
“Sheesh, I feel the love,” I teased him as Maki cooed. Shawn seemed to be shocked at the volume of Maki’s wail.
“She’s got some pipes on her,” Shawn commented. “Do I sense a main vocalist in a K-pop group?”
“Absolutely not,” I intervened, shaking my head. The ride to the academy was quicker than I thought it would be; Grace wasn’t kidding when she said that this space was closer to the apartment. Both Shawn and I get out of the cab, looking at the building in front of us.
“Castro Dance Academy,” Shawn read the sign outside of the building. I smiled, happy to see that Grace kept the name of her family business. “I thought her last name was Ashmore.” Not for long. We walked into the studio space and was greeted by one of the front desk assistants; she seemed to immediately recognize me.
“Ah, Jamie,” the woman said, smiling at me. “I’m Tatiana; It’s nice to put a face to the name Grace has thrown around here a hundred times.” I felt my face getting red, blushing from the comment. Ya, does she talk about me as much as I talk about her?
“Hi, it’s nice to meet you,” I greeted Tatiana, slightly bowing. I know Grace would scold me for still being in the habit of bowing, but it’s just the one thing that’ll always be embedded in me. “This is Grace’s brother-in-law; Shawn.”
“Hi,” Shawn said as he waved shyly to the woman. Tatiana waved back before her eyes went straight to Maki. “This is Maki, our daughter–“
“Yes!” she quickly said, smiling at Maki. “Hi there pretty girl!” Maki’s eyes widen, seeming unsure of the interaction. Maki-ya, now is not the time to secretly judge your mom’s workers. “Let me take you two to the back where Grace and her cousin are.” Shawn and I followed Tatiana to one of the many studio rooms, passing by the main one with different parents sitting on foldable chairs. Grace wasn’t kidding about the enrollment this year.
We finally stopped by an office area, which Tatiana knocked on the door before Grace opened it. She had on a dark purple dress and black heels on. She had tied her hair up, leaving some curly pieces down on her face. She’s breathtaking–
“Jamie!” Grace shouted at me, taking me out of my thought bubble. I looked down at her, seeing the anxiety all over her face. “I said come in already, sheesh–
“Mianhae,” I apologized, walking into her office. I could already sense the tension in the room just by looking at Skylar alone. “Is everything alright?”
“You have a batshit crazy girlfriend,” Skylar said, looking directly at Grace. “By the way, you owe me $40 for those heels since you forgot yours at home.”
“Jagiya,” I said, looking at Grace now. “You could’ve just told me to bring them with me–“
“You wouldn’t have brought the right ones,” Grace brushed off, walking toward me to pick up Maki. Her demeanor instantly changed. “Hi Maki girl!” Maki cooed loudly at Grace, happy to see her too. Skylar shook her head, walking out of the office with Shawn. Before we were able to get some time alone before the showcase, Grace’s mom knocks on the office door, looking in.
“Hi,” Mollie said, leaning into the office door. “Tatiana told me you were in here.” She looked at me and smiled. “Hi, Jamie.”
“Hi, Mrs. Ashm–” I shut my eyes, stopping myself. “Mollie.”
“Ooo, first name basis,” Grace teased, bouncing Maki on her lap. Mollie sucked her teeth, walking toward Grace to get Maki. She instantly smiled once she was in Mollie’s arms. Maki loved Mollie.
“Look at you in your pretty outfit!” she said to Maki, holding her in her arms. Mollie was probably the only person outside Grace and I that allowed her to actually hold her. She was also one of the very few that she didn’t give the judgmental eyes to. It was interesting, to say the least. “Where is my other pretty girl?”
“Max is with her in the other studio room,” Grace sighed as she said. “She’s nervous. Anything I say to her makes her annoyed.”
“Sounds like someone I know,” I playfully teased Grace as she nudged my arm. “She’s going to be great.”
“Of course, she’s Grace’s daughter,” Mollie said, smiling at us. “I’ll take this little one with me and meet with your father.” She took Maki and closed the office door closed behind her; it was now just Grace and I in the office. I immediately go in and wrap my arms around her for a hug.
“It’s been a long time since we’ve been alone,” I said in a flirtatious tone. “Just you and me, all alone in this room…”
“Jamie,” Grace said, not seemingly as flirty as I thought she’d be. I looked down at her and see the nerves written on her face. She took a deep breath; it definitely came out more shaky than normal.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I hope everything works out tonight,” Grace admitted, letting out that deep breath. “I’m nervous as a dance teacher, I’m nervous as a dance mom, I’m just–“
“Ya,” I quickly said. “It’s normal to feel nervous. It’s a big night for you and the academy.”
“I just don’t understand how generations of my family done this on top of juggling their responsibilities as mothers.” Grace looked a little sullen now. “I haven’t been there for Maki since moving the academy here and I can see she is already upset with me.”
“Mwo?” I asked, shocked to hear her say this. “How can she possibly be upset with you?”
“I feel like… she doesn’t need me as much as she once did. I mean,” Grace started to say, tugging at the sling I still had wrapped around me. “She loves when you have her in this, more than me holding her.”
“Jagiya,” I scoffed, not understanding where this was coming from. “You’re her mother–“
“And you’re her father. Clearly she has a preference now–“
“Wait, wait,” I stopped Grace before things got complex. I knew this wasn’t about me, or Maki. I knew this was something deeper that she was fighting with, and as her fiancée it was my job to better understand what was going on with her. “What is this really about?”
“What do you mean? I just–“
“Grace.” I looked at her, not letting her talk herself out of actually having a conversation with me. Grace took a moment before she spoke, sitting back down in her chair.
“Everything is just happening super fast,” Grace finally admitted. “I feel like I’m being pulled in 3 different directions that all need the same amount of my attention.” I looked at her, waiting for her to elaborate even further. She sighed before continuing. “I feel like the academy is taking me away from taking care of Maki.”
“That’s not true–“
“You can’t tell me how I’m feeling, Jamie,” Grace spat back, immediately getting defensive. Classic Grace mechanism.
“I never said you weren’t feeling it, just that it wasn’t true,” I emphasized, trying to get Grace to understand. “It’s okay to divide your attention on multiple things; you don’t have to sacrifice one for the other.” This was the hardest point to get across to Grace, and she never was fully convinced no matter how much I tell her. It was something that I don’t think Grace will ever understand, but I had to be the one to remind her that there was a time and place for everything; it didn’t mean that she had to separate the things she loved with the things that she enjoyed.
Grace let out a deep breath before she spoke. “I don’t want Maki growing up only having limited access to me. I want her to grow up knowing that I did everything I could to be her mom.”
“She will—”
“How do you know for sure, Jamie?” Grace asked, seeming impatient with me now. I looked at her, trying to really understand what Grace was asking me. Up to this point, I felt like I was telling Grace the things she wanted to hear; the things that eased her anxiety for the sake of getting her out of her mental spiraling. But, I started to realize that they never really go away; they just come back stronger. Maybe telling her the truth will finally make her realize that the answers she wants to her questions don’t really exist.
“I don’t,” I started to say. “And we may never know, and that’s okay.” Grace practically went into a cardiac arrest.
“Do you hear yourself?!”
“We are never going to have the answers to everything, Grace; that just comes with parenthood. We can only do our best to make sure that our kids grow up feeling loved and supported. Maki is going to feel that, because she has two parents that will make sure that she is loved.”
Grace’s eyes were lured onto mine, and the silence began to make me nervous. Did I say the wrong thing? Did I just create a whole new worry for Grace to obsess over? Did I just mess up everything we’ve worked on?
There was a sudden knock on the office door before it slightly opened. It was Tatiana, poking her head in facing us.
“The show starts in 5 minutes,” she said. Grace nodded her head as Tatiana closed the door. She looked back at me. I gave her a reassuring smile; the one that let her know that everything was going to be okay. We were going to be okay.
“Go out there and be the amazing dancer you are, jagiya,” I said to Grace before walking towards the office door. I immediately feel Grace’s arms wrap around my waist. I quickly turned around to face her again.
“I love you,” Grace simply said, looking up at me. I gently kissed her forehead.
“I love you too,” I answered back, opening the office door for Grace. She let out a deep breath before walking out the door. I couldn’t help but smile.
