“It has always been you.”

I nervously bounced my leg at the gate, looking at the screen for boarding. The sun is barely up, but the holiday lights are brightly lit back in New York City.

Kevin showed up late yesterday evening to drive me to the airport. After loading my bags into his car, we walked back into the empty apartment, grabbing the last things in there. Kevin stood near the doorframe as I gathered the remaining things. I only notice him when I look back up.

“Is it sinking in yet?” Kevin asked.

“Mwo? What?”

“Is it all sinking in yet? The empty apartment? The bags of luggage? Your passport and your carry on?” I didn’t think much of it. I was too busy trying to make it to my flight on time.

“I am going to the airport, Kevin.”

“With a one way ticket to New York City. You do know it’s gonna cost more to get a one way ticket back to Incheon?” I couldn’t help but smile, rolling my eyes as I patted his shoulder.

“I know, Kevin; I know,” I said, sighing. “I’m just trying to be the one keeping it together.” I knew how crazy it was to go across the world with nothing but your belongings, hoping that the woman you love loves you back. I knew that anything could happen once I land in America, and for me to not prepare for the worst case scenario meant just how mics I was willing to sacrifice this time for Grace.

“What made you solidify it?” He asked, walking toward me to grab a couple of things off the load. “How long have you sat with this decision?”

“She invited me to her last show,” I began to say with a smile on my face. “I wasn’t going to go initially. I had thought it would’ve been inappropriate for me to go considering what conspired the night Shawn and Skylar were leaving for America. But, it was bothering me. The thought lingered throughout the day, and I felt myself feeling sad about not seeing her dance. I couldn’t help knowing the last memory I’d have of Grace is of her dancing at her final show of the production. I went to her show with the intent that was going to be the last time I got to see Grace.” I reflected, playing with the passport book in my hand.

Kevin looked confused. “So, what changed your mind?”

“The moment she stepped on stage and danced.”

…

By the time I got to New York, it was the following morning. The sun was barely up, and the winter wind was frigid at this hour. I checked into my hotel and immediately dropped my bags onto the bed and headed back out. I needed an iced Americano only from the cafe.

I missed the cafe like it was home. In the years I’ve been here, nothing ever has changed. I can visually see each and every memory I had in here with Grace. The coffee never changed, and the atmosphere always remained the same.

I walked into the cafe, surprised to see some people up drinking their morning coffee. I noticed Bernie at the counter, wiping it down with a rag. As I got closer to the encounter, Bernie looked up, immediately noticing me.

“Jamie? Is that really you?” He joked, squinting his eyes as he spoke. I laughed, smile on my face.

“It’s great to see you, Bernie,” I said, slightly bowing out of politeness. “I literally just hopped off the plane, put my bags down in my hotel room, and ran over here for an iced americano.” Bernie laughed out loud, holding his belly as he did.

“I’m flattered! What brings you back to New York? New case you’re working on?”

I shook my head before I answered back. “No, no; not a case…” I didn’t know what to tell Bernie. I didn’t want him to say something that would’ve told me this was a bad idea or something. But, Bernie was like an old neighborhood friend to her. She spoke highly of him the moment she introduced me to him all those years ago, and I felt like I needed the approval from him in a way. From the looks of it, he seemed to still be very accepting of me.

Bernie cocked up an eyebrow as he began making my drink, pouring in the espresso. “Well, I doubt you came all the way here just to see me and get a drink.” I nervously laughed at Bernie’s response. He must know.

“Got me there,” I said back, putting my hands in my coat pocket. “You think she’ll come in today?” Bernie looked back up at me with a smile on his face. He absolutely knew I was here for Grace.

“If she’s back from her trip, then of course.” Bernie placed the cup of iced americano on the counter. “Is she expecting you?”

“No,” I answered shyly, taking out my wallet. Bernie waved his hand at me, stopping what I was doing. I looked up at him, confused.

“I’ve known Grace for a long time, sonny. Her coming back to New York after being away for so long is already going to cause a ton of anxiety for her. So, excuse me when I say this, but… your intentions of being back here to see her better be good.” I looked at Bernie as he spoke. He was absolutely right, and I was glad that there were people that still looked out for her even while she was away. It just comes to show just how well loved she truly is.

“Of course, Bernie.”

“How long are you here for?”

“I’m staying in New York.” It was the first time saying this in person. Bernie was the first person in New York to hear me say these exact words. They didn’t feel as foreign as I thought they’d be, and they didn’t seem as scary to say out loud either. It was almost like it was suppose to be the answer to Bernie’s concerns. It was the right thing to say because it was true.

Bernie, on the other hand, seemed genuinely surprised. “For good?” I simply just nodded my head. “You’re staying in New York for Grace?”

“If she’s willing, that’s the plan.” I looked at Bernie, feeling as if I was talking to a father figure of Grace’s. I was more nervous talking to Bernie than her actual father a couple of years ago, back when we were dating.

Bernie scoffed a bit, making another cup of coffee for another customer beside me. He hands the man the coffee before he directs his attention to me again. He sighed, but let out a smile as he looked at me.

“Well,” he began to say. “I think she’s in for a delightful surprise then today.” He nodded towards the direction where Grace and I usually sat at. “You know where to find her when she comes.” I thanked Bernie and took my drink to the table. An hour passed by, but Grace wasn’t here yet. The longer I waited in here for her, the more regret I began to feel. What if this was a bad idea? What if I just left my entire life behind for nothing? What if this isn’t what she wanted?

By the time it was 10AM, I began to come with the terms that maybe this wasn’t the right thing to do. I sighed, about to finish my iced americano and walk back to the hotel to figure something out. I got up, handing the glass over to Bernie at the counter.

“Leaving already?”

“Yeah,” I said in a defeated way. “As much as I would love to stay here, I really should get going–“

“Nonsense,” Bernie interrupted, getting another glass from the rack. “This one’s on the house.”

“Bernie–“

“I won’t take no for an answer, sonny.” He quickly whipped up another iced americano and handed it over to me. I looked back up at him. “Don’t give up on what you want.” I take the drink, walking to the opposite side of the cafe to clear my mind. It was weird over here, but perhaps this was the best spot to really think what needs to happen next.

I opened my phone and began looking at flights back to Incheon. Kevin was right; it would cost me an arm and a leg to go back home now.

Then, it happened. The door to the cafe opened, and I immediately noticed her red, curly hair in a messy updo. Grace.

She rushed to the counter with a handful of papers in her arm, greeting Bernie. He smiled at her, pointing her to the table that I was originally sitting at, waiting for her at. Our table. I tried to not stare too hard at her like a creep. I all of a sudden I felt nervous to walk over there. Everything was leading up to this moment, and I didn’t know how to finally make things happen.

“If you’re ever visiting New York, you know where to find me,” Grace said as she walked me out of her hotel room in Ulsan. I smiled, taking this as the last possible time I’d get to talk to Grace face-to-face. The last time I’d get to kiss her lips.

“Thanks, Bernie,” I hear Grace say. Bernie placed the coffee on the table, smiling at her. I looked down at my phone, exiting out the screen of flights. It wasn’t long after that I heard a pile of papers fall to the ground. I looked up, noticing Grace get up from the table to pick them up. I didn’t even think twice to walk over there to help out.

“Fuck,” I hear Grace say as she begins to gather her papers. I kneeled in front of her, helping her pick up the papers. “Thanks, you didn’t have to–” Grace stopped mid sentence as she looked up. Her eyes widen in shock. All I could do is smile at her and hand over her papers.

“Jamie?”

“You were right about the coffee here,” I began to say. “Once you’ve had Bernie’s coffee, no other coffee can compare.” Before Grace said anything else, Bernie comes over to check on Grace.

“You’re okay?” Bernie came rushing to us. We both looked up at Bernie as he backed away from the papers.

“All good,” I said, handing the last batch of papers to Grace. Bernie smiled at me before he walked back to the counter. I looked at Grace as she got up, which prompted me to get up alongside her.

“I-uhm,”

“I know,” I simply said, putting my hands in my pocket. “Sorry.”

“No, no,” Grace said, clearing the seat in front of her. I looked at her for permission. “Sit.” I sat down in the seat across from her. She was definitely frazzled. Ahh, jagi-… I mean Grace.

…

By the time Grace sorted out her paperwork, she seemed to be more relaxed. I was glad that she didn’t seem stressed that I was here. It was weird; it was like nothing ever changed between us; just the destination.

“So, I wasn’t expecting to see you so soon,” Grace joked as she sipped her coffee. I smiled at her, drinking yet another iced americano that Bernie offered, followed with a cream cheese bagel. “Did you decide to take a pit stop to New York?”

“Mwo? Pit stop?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Grace nodded her head. “To California to visit Shawn.” Oh. My eyes widen, nodding my head trying to take in this assumption of hers. To believe I would travel all the way to New York first just to see Shawn in another state is crazy.

“I’m… not going to visit Shawn.” Grace scrunched her eyebrows as she chewed on a piece of her bagel, seeming confused.

“No?”

“No.” I looked at Grace, hoping she was able to read in between the lines.

“So you’re here on a vacation, or this is another work related trip?” She asked, not looking at me as she did. She probably assumes this time is like the others. I can see herself try to distance herself away from me, I hopes her heart doesn’t put too much hope in what she’s feeling. Just rip the bandage already, Jamie.

“I’m in New York for good.”

Grace looked up from her coffee. “For good?”

“For good.” I stare at Grace, waiting for her to say something. I don’t want to assume that this is what she wants. I want to hear her say it, not because I need the validation, but because I need her to believe in the things she wants.

“Oh.”

“Oh?” I laughed as I repeated. It wasn’t like Grace to be without words.

“I just–“

“Didn’t think I’d come back for you?” I finally said, ripping the entire bandage off of the conversation. Grace seemed taken back by the bluntness of my response. All she could do is just nervously laugh it off.

“Alright, where’s Sky and Shawn? Are they going to jump from underneath a table or something?”

“Grace.” It was all I needed to say for her to finally believe me. I didn’t break eye contact with her, or make it seem like I had anything to joke about. The laugh quickly came to an halt; it was now a look of confusion written all over her face.

“You’re being serious?”

“Super serious, jagiya.” It felt so good to call Grace that. For the last 7 months, I tried so desperately to make it fit for anyone else that wasn’t her. It was useless, to be honest; it was Grace’s for a reason.

Grace leaned in closer to the table, as if she needed to whisper this question to me. “So you’re trying to tell me you left your whole life behind in Korea; job, family, everything behind… for me?”

I leaned in closer to the table as well, close to her. “Majayo.” She quickly snapped back in her seat, holding her mouth in shock.

“Jamie,” she said with her mouth still covered. “I–“

“Let me explain,” I put out my hand, trying to calm her down. “It was my decision to make. I wanted to do this.”

“Since-“

“Ya, jagiya,” I slightly teased, raising an eyebrow. “Let me explain.” Grace simply nodded her head, taking a sip of her coffee in desperation. I let out a deep breath before I continued speaking, finally saying what I felt these last couple of days out loud to the person that mattered most.

“I would like to believe something was pulling me toward you. I don’t know what you could call it; the universe, maybe? Something out of our control kept putting us together, and sure you can say it was Skylar and Shawn, but… even then I found myself needing to see you… aigoo, that sounds super creepy–“

“If it were anyone else; yes,” Grace teased, smiling at me. I was relieved for her to at least say that.

“The night you invited me to your last show… I wasn’t going to go.”

She cocked up an eyebrow. “Jeez, Jamie…”

“Not because I didn’t want to,” I quickly defended, laughing off the nervousness. “I felt like it could’ve been inappropriate to just show up after everything that happened at Skylar and Shawn’s–“

“But…”

“But?”

She raised both eyebrows up. “But you ended up coming.”

“How’d you know that I did?” I could see Grace’s face getting red. She shifted in her seat, sighing before she answered.

“I saw you in the audience.” I looked at Grace, taking her all in for the first time since sitting here. She…saw me. In an audience packed for the last show of the Ulsan production.

“So, you felt it too?” I finally asked.

“Felt what?”

“That pull,” I answered, smirking a little bit. She did too, giving me the answer without saying a word. “I had to see you dance one last time, and when I did…I knew.”

“Knew what?”

“Jagiya, the more questions you ask, the longer it will take me to explain,” I slightly teased her. She playfully rolled her eyes as I laughed. “I knew it was you. It has always been you.”

…

Grace and I stayed in the cafe nearly all day, catching up and talking. I was glad Bernie didn’t mind us staying there; I think in a way he was happy to finally see Grace happy in the cafe. Not swarmed and stressed over work, or hungover on those reckless nights out. I think he had known we’d both built a home within this cafe, and sensed that Grace and I didn’t want the day to end.

“I hate to kick you guys out,” Bernie walked over to us, drying a mug with a rag in his hand. “But I think you both broke the world record of ‘world’s longest coffee hangout’.” We both begin to get up from the table, helping Bernie bring the empty dishes from our table to the counter.

“We’re sorry for staying so long,” Grace apologized. Bernie waved his hand, dismissing it entirely.

“Nonsense, I just have to get home to my wife.” Bernie laughed as he gathered the dishes toward the back. “I’ll see you two bright and early for a coffee and iced americano!”

Grace and I walked out of the cafe, taking in the brisk winter air. It had just started to snow. We looked at each other, waiting for the other to say something. I guess I’ll be the one to do so.

“I guess I should get–” Before I was even able to finish my sentence, Grace leaped into my arms, kissing me hard on the lips. I wrapped my arms around her, kissing her back underneath the falling snow, in front of the place where our story began all those years ago.

“Jamie.” I heard Grace call out my name. I turned around and see her extending her arm out at me, helping her along the path toward the pier. It was a beautiful Spring morning in upstate; warmer than we expected for the end of April. I grabbed her hand and guided her down the path. She catches her breath once she’s next to me. “Are we almost near the pier?”

“We are,” I smiled as I said, pointing towards the beginning of the pier. The water of the Hudson River sparkled in the sunrise, making this moment extra special. Hand in hand, Grace slowly walked closer to the pier, taking in the sight in front of us. I couldn’t stop looking at Grace; her hair moving in each direction from the slight wind, and her oversized cardigan makes Maki show even more. I can’t believe that I’m going to be a father in a few short weeks.

I never thought starting a family was destined for me a couple of years ago. Not only did my job take a lot of my time, I simply couldn’t think about starting one with anyone else besides Grace. It was like the first time seeing her in New York all those years ago solidified that need. I knew from there that Grace was the one I wanted to experience all of that with.

Grace catches me staring at her a little too long. Her giggle makes me snap out of my thoughts, focusing on the present day again.

“What?” I asked.

“You were staring at me with that look again,” Grace teased.

“What look?”

“That look you give when you are thinking about the future.” Grace was beginning to pick up on the facial expressions I make for different thought processes I had. It was getting harder to tell her some fib, especially when the future I was thinking of was Grace and I being more than just mom and dad, but also wife and husband.

“Of course,” I play along, swinging her arm as we walked. “I am thinking about the moment I get to see Maki for the first time ever.”

“The very first time? I don’t know if the first image you want to see of our daughter is her covered in everything going on inside. Leave it to Grace to be openly honest about every little thing.

“Well, I didn’t think so explicitly,” I laughed as I responded. “I thought more so of the first moment she’s wrapped up in a blanket, in your arms for the first time.”

“Oh I can relate,” Grace began to say as she smiled at me. “I look forward to seeing you hold Maki in your arms for the first time ever.”

“Ya,” I playfully said with a growing smile. “You’re going to get me all nervous.” Grace looked at me once we got to the rear of the pier. Grace slowly sits down on the pier, groaning in relief once she is off her feet. I sit next to her, watching Grace swing her feet on the edge.

“Jamie?” Grace softly said. It made me turn my head to her, giving her my full attention. She looked a little sullen. “Is it bad to say that sometimes, I think about what if we decided to… you know… be parents to that baby all those years ago? How life would be like right now for us?” I looked at Grace, taking in this heavy question. I don’t let Grace know that the thought has come up a few times since Maki came along. I simply just don’t want Grace to regret her decision, especially considering the circumstances. I wasn’t even ready, reflecting back on it now.

“No,” I simply answered. “It’s a completely normal thought to have. I understand why it comes up now; we can’t imagine our lives without Maki now.”

“Is it bad to have not felt that way the first time?”

“You were a different person back then. You weren’t ready, and you based your decision on that factor knowing it was the most important one.”

“Important factor?” Grace repeated.

“The factor being that you knew you wouldn’t be able to properly give your unconditional love and true self into that child.” Talking about this was something I wasn’t expecting. I don’t even remember the last time we did; not because we avoid speaking about it, but it was something that we both knew was the right decision. I wouldn’t be sitting on this pier with the woman of my dreams, and the mother of my child.

“I tell myself that it was the right decision to make simply because we didn’t know if we were ever going to make it.” Grace admitted. I placed my hand on her thigh, rubbing it for reassurance, and for confirmation that what she believes is correct.

“It’s the right thing to tell yourself, jagiya. That had to happen in order for us to believe that we were going to make it back to each other.” Grace smiles and kisses me on the lips, feeling like our first kiss all over again. She looks back up at me, looking deep into my eyes. “Mwo?”

“Sometimes when I look at you, I wonder how did I get so lucky to have a man like you, to love me?” Grace admitted. I feel my face getting hot, taken back by her lovely words.

“Because he is undoubtedly, madly in love with a woman like you, and to have her love me back.” I kissed her lips softly, caressing her neck to deepen it. She opened her eyes and looked at me. I swear, I saw hearts as her pupils. I take Grace’s curly had and place it behind her ears before slowly getting up, resting myself casually on one knee.

“Jagiya,” I began to say. She turned her head toward my direction, focusing on me. “I want to tell you a story.”

“A story?”

“A story about the day I knew you were the one.” Grace’s eyebrows cock up, seeming off-guard there. “It was the day you came hiking with me in Taehwagang, on the anniversary of my dad’s passing.” Grace’s eyes softened, yet so attentive to me. “That was the first time I ever invited someone to hike on that path with me. For years, I felt like he was still there with me, until the day you came. It was like a sign from my father, telling me you were the only one to ever make that day easy for you. I left Taehwagang, knowing that there was no way for me to not feel how I feel about you. All I knew to feel around you was absolute love.”

“Jamie,” Grace said as she wipes for fallen tears.

“But, it was also those very first times at the cafe. There was always something about you, Grace. And since then, I feel like this was something I always thought about asking you.” I reached into my right pocket, taking out a tiny baby blue box. Grace gasped, holding her mouth in shock.

“Jamie,” Grace said again, now reacting to what was happening.

“And you always knew that it was you that I wanted to call my wife in the future.” I slowly opened the box, revealing the engagement ring I’ve saved up for in the last year and a half since being back in New York. I knew I was coming back to New York with the intent of marrying Grace one day. I just never knew that it would feel so definite as it does now.

“Grace Renee Ashmore, will you give me the honor to finally make you my wife?”

As I begin to take the ring out of the box, Grace finally speaks.

“Ask me.”

I was confused. “Ask you?”

“In Korean.” I couldn’t up but smile at her request. I take her left hand, holding her ring with my fingers. I hovered the ring over her ring finger, looking back up at her.

“jagiya, nalang gyeolhonhae jullae?” I smiled as I asked again. “Will you marry me?”

“Yes,” Grace quickly said as she nodded her head in excitement. It made me laugh, realizing just how much Grace has thought about this moment. It was like she was waiting on me to confirm that we both wanted this for us. I slowly slid the ring on her finger; a gold, princess cut band with a singular red ruby in the middle, surround by two tiny ones. It looked amazing on her.

She took a moment to admire the ring in her finger. She was crying tears of joy, laughing through the happy moment.

“We’re… we’re really getting married,” Grace finally said out loud. It sounded surreal to hear.

“Finally,” I teased. Grace playfully hits my arm as I laugh. I couldn’t help but lean in towards Grace’s jawline, gently giving her a kiss. “I get to call you my beautiful wife.”

“That sounds pretty good rolling off the tip of your tongue,” Grace flirted, grabbing my face and shoves her lips onto mine. This moment almost feels like the very first time we kissed. The fire, the passion, and the excitement to see what the future held for us. Even after all these years, I am still so in love with her.

“Why don’t we take our celebration back to the cabin?” I teased, biting the bottom of her lip. A quick moan escapes from her mouth into mine, deepening the lustful kiss.

“Another amazing idea from my fiancé.”

I lifted Grace up in my arms, carrying her back to the cabin. She wrapped her arms around my neck, nothing but a huge smile on her face.

If you were to ask me a year and a half ago—traveling to Incheon for a 5:00AM flight to JFK, in hopes that when I got back to New York, she knew I was here for her—that Grace and I would be waking up on our last day of our babymoon, returning back to the city engaged? I wouldn’t believe you.

These next couple of months were the true test of Grace and I’s relationship. The initial engagement was magical, and the excitement to announce it to our friends and family took us over. We were simply on cloud nine that day, and love was the only thing that was on my mind.

It felt weird going to Shawn and Skylar’s place without Grace; even more so, it was weird telling Grace I was going to run an errand without telling her that errand included her cousin, and my best friend.

I knocked on their apartment door, and to my surprise, Skylar’s the one that answers it. She immediately pulled me into the apartment by my jacket, closing the door behind me.

“For fuck’s sake, what took you so long?” Skylar said as she hurried to the couch next to Shawn. I sat in the chair directly across from him, letting out a breath as I did.

“It’s kind of hard to leave Grace behind when she’s asking about your every move nowadays,” I answered. Grace was extra clingy these days now that she is officially on maternity leave. Her doctor instructed her to take these next two months off, as they are some of the most crucial parts of the pregnancy. It was hard having Grace around 24/7, especially in the gist of me trying to do something without her knowledge.

“What did you end up telling her, Hyung?” Shawn asked.

“I told her I had to run to do an errand; nothing specific,” I said, bouncing my leg anxiously. “I thought she was going to catch me for sure today.”

“Well thank god she didn’t,” Skylar added. “So, what were you thinking about doing?”

“I was planning to take Grace to Korea before her doctor gave her strict orders to follow, so now I’m not sure what else I can do for Grace now that she’s so far along.”

“So, you don’t know when or where you and Grace are having your babymoon,” Skylar said, crossing her arms. A couple of months ago, I had suggested to both Shawn and Skylar that I was planning a babymoon for Grace. I had originally planned to have it earlier on into her pregnancy, but everything came speeding fast, and time was just not on our side. Grace was about to enter month 8, and a lot of the romantic ideas I had for her seem to be thrown out of the window.

“I want it to be special, but I don’t know where to take her,” I confessed. I feel like a lousy boyfriend. “I was thinking about getting a nice hotel in the city, but I feel like that’s still too close from home.”

“Yeah, and you know how Grace’s mind works; she would not be rested being too close to home.” Skylar commented. I sighed, putting my hands onto my head.

“How about something out of the city, like in upstate New York?” Shawn suggested. Skylar immediately turned her head to face him.

“Babe! That’s actually a good idea!” She looked at me with a smile before she spoke again. “I feel like what Grace needs right now is less stimulation. Between being in the city, managing the academy and feeling huge now, she needs to go to a place where it’s quiet.” I liked the idea, spending quiet time in a cabin or something outside of the city where there isn’t a siren going off, a car horn being honked, or blinding lights from the billboards. I also believe it would be the perfect spot to spend some quality time with Grace before our little girl comes.

…

“Jamie,” Grace said as she sat on the passenger’s side of our car. I quickly looked over at her, checking to see if she was okay. “How is this a birthday getaway for you if I don’t know where we’re going?” I smiled at her question, not answering her right away. On the actual day of my birthday, Grace and I went to Yonkers to celebrate Willow’s birthday with Max and his wife, Miriam. Willow and I share the same birth date, April 16th, so to my surprise we had two cakes to celebrate. Miriam told me that Willow was the one that said she shared the same birthday as me, which is why the cake they had for me was store bought instead of made. I didn’t care though; as long as I was celebrating my birthday with Grace and Willow is all that mattered to me.

It wasn’t until Grace and I got back to the city that I told her that I had planned my own birthday weekend getaway. Yes, she was mad at me for planning my own birthday trip, but I quickly had to remind her that my birthday gift from her wouldn’t be ready until June.

“Jagiya, I told you already; all you have to do is sit there and be a passenger princess,” I teased her as I drove. She huffed in her seat, looking outside of her window facing away from me. “Jagiyaaaa,” I dragged out.

“I just feel bad,” Grace finally admitted, turning her head around. “Between Willow’s birthday and everything else happening, I totally forgot about your birthday and—”

“Ya,” I stepped in, stopping her train of thought. “I already told you it was okay.”

“It still doesn’t make me feel any better.” At a red light, I finally took the opportunity to turn towards Grace and properly talk to her.

“Grace. I know your heart is in the right place, but you honestly do not need to feel bad about forgetting my birthday this year. Besides, as long as you’re here on this weekend trip with me; that’s all I wanted for my birthday.”

“You’re just saying that,” Grace argued.

“Think of it this way, jagiya,” I began to say, driving once the light turned green. “I am spending my birthday weekend with the most beautiful woman in the world, in a nice little cabin loft with absolutely nothing to think or worry about. This is my birthday gift from you.” I placed my hand on her thigh, slightly rubbing it for reassurance. She let out a deep breath before putting her hand on top of mine, signaling that she listened to what I was telling her. I quickly smiled at her before quickly focusing on the road.

…

We opened the front door of the cabin, in which Grace was in awe at first glance. Me, on the other hand, struggled carrying our luggage from our car to the wooden stairs of the cabin. After tossing the bags into the cabin, I closed the door behind us, catching my breath.

“This is so cute! It looks like a place straight out of a vision board,” Grace said, observing the space. She looked up toward the second floor where the bedroom was. “Oh, a loft bedroom is teenage Grace’s biggest dream.”

“I’m glad you like the space.” I went over to Grace and kissed her on the top of her head. I sat down on the couch, watching Grace was she walked around to tour the space. For a moment, I was able to picture Grace and I living in a place like this, older and retired from our jobs while gathering our little space for our kids to come visit us. Yes, kids; as in “many more to come”.

Grace turned around and faced me with the biggest smile on her face. Once she catches me looking back at her, she walks over to me, plopping herself right next to me on the couch.

“I can get used to this,” she said out loud. I laughed, pulling her close to me as I kissed her.

“Me too, jagiya.”

…

We decided for our first night, we would order some food for dinner after driving up here for most of the day. I could tell that Grace was super tired, even though she was fighting herself not to fall asleep during our movie night. Before she was able to quickly deny her tiredness, I ran her a bath to relax. It wasn’t long after that she put on her pajamas and knocked out on the bed while I was taking my shower for the night.

I walked upstairs to the bedroom and saw Grace sleeping soundly under the comforter. I couldn’t help but smile. Ahh, jagiya… if only you knew.

When Grace and I first met in New York almost 7 years ago, she was pushing around a baby stroller with Willow in it, kind of surprised that someone as young as Grace at the time would have had a child and jumped right into a case at her firm. It was also surprising to see that Willow actually laughed and smiled whenever Grace let me hold her. I had deemed her name as Little Bean, something that she used to go crazy about whenever I called her that. Since then, she’s always been Little Bean to me, even though in a couple of months there’ll be an actual little bean in the family again.

I was folding laundry one day with Grace when her phone rang on the vanity. She looked at the name and sighed, walking out of the room to take the call. From the way she sighed and excused herself, I knew she was talking to Max, Willow’s dad. While co-parenting has been the best option for them two since Willow was a baby, I could tell that certain topics and conversations are harder for Grace to have because of her own beliefs. For me, it was hard to get her out of that head space once she’s dug herself a deep enough hole. A couple of minutes later, she comes back into the room, sighing as she put her down back on the vanity, sitting on the chair and leaned back on it.

I turned around to check on her. “Jagiya, I can finish folding these clothes—”

“No, Jamie; I have to do it,” She quickly got up from the seat and walked to the pile of clothes on the bed. She was clearly in pain when she did.

“Grace,” I sternly said, worrying about her. “Go sit back down, you’re in pain and—”

“Stop treating me like I’m disabled or something,” Grace spat back defensively. “I still can do the little things and not have someone monitoring my every move.” I sighed loudly; today was going to be one of those days. Grace is at this stage of her pregnancy where she feels like she can’t do anything right; not because she can’t, it’s because she’s nearing the end of term in a couple of weeks. She was in a lot more pain nowadays, which made her snappy and moody a lot of the times. I knew she didn’t mean it, and she would always apologize and say she’s a bad person. I simply tell her, “Maki is just tired of being cooped up in there, she’s being impatient.”

“I know this can’t be about laundry,” I said, putting the piece of clothing back down on the bed. I turned around and looked at Grace sitting back down on the chair in the room. “What’s wrong, jagiya?”

“Everything,” Grace immediately answered. “Everything on my body hurts, and I have to go to the academy tomorrow for this inspection and I already know that the place needs renovations that’s going to cost me so much money, I have to finish Maki’s room before she comes, and then after all of that, Max calls me to remind me that he’s looking to book the venue space for Willow’s birthday.”

“Oh, you guys are throwing her a birthday party at a place?” I asked.

“We’re not; he is,” she answered, crossing her arms along her chest, resting them on top of her belly. “He only called to ask me what weekend works for me so that we could attend.”

“I’m not understanding what you’re upset about, jagiya,” I said, looking at Grace. She rolled her eyes at me, knowing she hated when she needed to actually explain her feelings and emotions properly.

“He’s thrown her birthday party every single year, and I was always the one that felt like the guest instead of her mother,” Grace admitted. I sat at the end of the bed, facing Grace. “For once, I want to be a part of the process.”

“Did you tell that to Max?”

“No.”

“So he doesn’t know that you want to contribute?”

“No.”

“Jagiya,” I smiled as I leaned backwards, trying to understand the situation. “If Max doesn’t know that him solely putting together Willow’s party makes you feel this way, how do you expect him to know?”

“It should always be a known fact that both parents should plan their child’s birthday parties,” Grace explained. She paused before she said anything else, clearly feeling uncomfortable now. “I… was never around to be a part of planning process, and I guess Max thought it would always be like that.”

“Grace, if you don’t it to be that way anymore, you have to tell him,” I said, trying to reassure her while validating her feelings. “Why don’t you tell him that you want to help this year?”

“I can’t.”

“Sure, you can; you can call him back and—”

“Jamie, I can’t,” Grace emphasized, looking directly at me. She sighed before she spoke again. “The academy isn’t doing well these days.” This was the first time hearing this from her. “A lot of the dancers are choosing to opt out of their contracts, especially since the building is literally falling apart, and I know that the inspection is going to cost me a lot to keep the building running, and on top of that we still have things to do before Maki comes, and… I just don’t have the money to help with Willow’s party.”

I scrunched my brows together, feeling slightly annoyed that Grace would keep something like this from me. I know Grace has this ideology that she has to manage the academy on her own because it was a family business. She always wanted to do things on her own and didn’t let anyone persuade her for help. I knew this would be something that she would have kept to herself if she was managing it the way she wanted it to.

I don’t bring up the fact that it irks me when she does this; it would just upset her even more and although I care about Grace and her well-being, I also have to consider that if she doesn’t feel good, Maki doesn’t either. Her stress will take an even bigger toll on her body; putting Maki’s health at risk too.

“Well, let’s start making a plan,” I said, slapping my knees with my hands to confirm. Grace looked up at me with a confused look on her face.

“A plan?” She repeated.

“A plan,” I stated, looking at her intently. “The academy isn’t going anywhere, and any damages that need to be fixed will be paid for—”

“But—”

“Maki’s room is almost done,” I continued, mentally checking things off the list of Grace’s worries. “We will call the painters later this week so that they can put up the wallpaper in her room.”

“I—”

“And,” I said, speaking over Grace. “We are going to call Max and ask how we can help plan Willow’s birthday party for her.” Grace looked at me, more angry than relieved in my opinion. This wasn’t the reaction I was expecting from her.

“No.”

I tilted my head, confused. “No?”

“No.” Grace didn’t say anything more to that, but she had this look on her face that turned her worries into literal anger. “Do you hear yourself?”

“What?”

“I pour out my financial problems with you and all of a sudden, you just make up this ridiculous plan?!” The alarm on the washer is heard, which makes Grace get up from her seat, storming out of the room. I quickly followed her as she walked toward the washer and dryer in our bathroom and attempted to empty the next bath of wet clothes from the washer.

“Jagiya—” I ran over to her, helping her unload the machine.

“I don’t need your help, Jamie!” She yelled out. I was completely taken off-guard hearing her yell that loud. “I’m sick and tired of everyone doing everything for me while I sit around and do absolutely nothing because I can’t!” I looked down at Grace, seeing the tears form in her eyes as she spoke. Aigoo. It’s been hard to keep Grace in a stable mood these days; between everything that’s going on and with time ticking down for Maki’s arrival, I worry that she’s been too hard on herself.

“Ya,” I sternly said with my brow scrunched together. “You are not going to try to take these heavy, wet clothes from the top washer, being almost 8 months pregnant. And before you can argue with me about that; let me remind you that the doctor already told us you shouldn’t be doing any heavy lifting these days.” Grace pouted as she looked at me, which lets me know that I’m right in what I am saying. The only thing she does is storm out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. These are the type of days when the best thing to do is to let Grace take some time to herself.

…

It’s nearly 11PM, and Grace and I decided to head on over to the cafe to have yet another serious conversation. We opened the door of the cafe. Grace immediately wobbled her way to our table, not saying a word to me, or to Bernie; the cafe owner that has known Grace and I since the very beginning.

I walked up to the counter where Bernie was polishing some glasses. He smiled, placing the rag on his shoulders before walking to the register.

“You’re both in here pretty late tonight,” he mentioned, taking out a note pad from his pocket and the pen from behind his ear.

I sighed before I smiled politely. “It’s one of those nights again.” Bernie winced, nodding his head.

“Well if there’s one thing I know about you is that you’ll help Grace get through it,” Bernie stated. “I know the restrictions are killing her ability of independence.” I nodded big, as if Bernie was able to take the words right out of my mouth. “The usual?”

“For me; yes,” I said, taking out my wallet. “For Grace, a hot chocolate. And a piece of your triple fudge chocolate cake.”

“Since when does Grace like chocolate cake?”

“Oh, she doesn’t,” I said as I paid for the drinks and dessert. “Our daughter does.”

I walked back to our table, placing down my iced americano and Grace’s hot chocolate and cake. Her mean demeanor slightly softened, looking up at me.

“You have to stop feeding Maki chocolate cake,” Grace said, putting her fork into the dessert. “I won’t be able to shed the pounds once I’m ready to go back to work.”

“Jagiya,” I said in a way that made Grace look at me. She knew it wasn’t the usual way I said her nickname; this time, it was more serious. “Why didn’t you tell me about the academy?”

“The academy has nothing to do with you,” Grace answered back quickly. “The academy was something I took on, which makes it my responsibility.”

“But we are still a team. If one of us is struggling with something, we are supposed to help each other get through it.”

“The academy is my responsibility—”

“Just how you are mine,” I debated back. “Grace, I don’t do these things because I think you are incapable of doing them on your own. I do them because you are a part of my own responsibilities.”

“I’m not going to burden you with something I chose to do. I should’ve kept up the academy better knowing that Maki was coming.” Grace lets out a deep breath, holding her belly. Before I could reach out for Grace’s hand, she waved it away. “I’m okay. I’m just… feeling really stressed these days and I swear, Maki can feel when I am.” I reached out for the hand that was still placed on the table, gently squeezing it to help Grace calm down.

“One of my many responsibilities is making sure my girls are okay. Maki can’t be okay if she senses her mom is not okay.” I can see the tears forming in her eyes again, biting the bottom of her lip to hold it together. I smiled gently at her, hoping that she is listening to what I am telling her. “I just want you to tell me these things. I want you to let me help you, not because I don’t think you’re capable of doing them on your own.” I picked up her hand and leaned in to kiss it, sitting back down afterwards. “But because we are a team now.”

“It feels wrong to have you fix the academy problem though,” Grace pointed out. “The academy is the one thing that always felt like it was mine. I always know how to fix something at the academy; things are just different now because we have Maki on the way, and I am just not able to juggle everything at once anymore.”

“That’s completely normal,” I reassured her. I got up from my seat to sit in the one next to her. I could now she how she was anxiously rubbing one side of her belly. I placed my hand over hers to stop her; to calm her down. She fails to realize my sole purpose is to always make sure she feels safe, calm, and secure. She fails to realize that this is just the beginning of her being my responsibility. “I understand that the academy is like your baby in a sense. It was for a long time.” I smiled as I looked at her belly with our hands on top of it. “It’ll always be your baby, the only thing that’s different now is that I have to make sure that my jagiya is okay, no matter what it is.” She finally smiled at me, taking a sip of her hot chocolate. If there’s one thing I knew about Grace, is that it was always a good sign to see Grace drink and eat; it was always an indicator that she was feeling better.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the academy,” Grace began to say. “These last couple of months have been so scary. I feel like I haven’t had time to actually take care of the things I normally would. Things just have been hard for me.”

“I know, jagiya,” I said, kissing her temple. “You’re doing the hardest job out of the both of us, so the least I can do is help out with the other things.” Grace smirked, which was always a good sign. She sighed as she faced her body toward me, going straight into business. “Can you accompany me for the day of the inspection? Just walk around the academy with them for me?”

“Of course.”

“As for Maki’s room… maybe we can save some money and just paint the room instead of putting up the wallpaper… maybe Shawn can come over and help you paint the room for me?

“I can ask him when he’s available.”

“And, uhm,” Grace shifted nervously in her seat. It was my time to take control of the situation.

“And,” I began to say. “We will call Max tomorrow and ask how we can contribute to Willow’s birthday party.” Grace smiled, which was the only thing I needed to know for confirmation.