The Junior Journals.

A Criminal Profiling: Mollie’s Journal.

liz

The following week at school was a weird one. The last thing I wanted was to be around the people that snuck behind my back and made a stupid, secret band. Since then, I’ve ignored almost every text and call from both Milo and Ronnie; I didn’t want nothing to do with them until I felt ready to deal with them.

After their performance, I immediately left the venue, slamming the front doors open. Weston quickly followed me, calling my name to catch up with me. I don’t know how he managed to calm me down that night, but he did. In a sense, Weston has been the only person that’s been able to actually talk to me without walking on eggshells around me.

It was no surprise that I was left sitting in Mr. Kamalani’s room by myself during the lunch period. I didn’t expect Milo to join me; we’ve haven’t been on speaking terms since the little stunt he pulled with our friends and my best friend. Mr. Kamalani didn’t question me being here without Milo; I appreciated that since it was the last thing I wanted to speak about.

It wasn’t long after that someone knocks on the front door of Mr. Kamalani’s classroom. I turned my head towards the door and to my surprise, it was Weston.

“S-sorry, Mr. Kamalani,” he said shyly, looking over at me.

“Mr. Ashmore,” Mr. Kamalani replied, closing the spiral notebook in front of him. “How can I help you?” Weston looked even more petrified than he already did.

“Hey, Wes,” I smiled as I said. He instantly looked over at me and smiled back. Mr. Kamalani opened his book again, leaving us be. Sometimes, he can be a cool dude.

Weston walked over to me, sitting in the seat next to mine. “I tried finding you in the West Wing, but—”

“Only the band kids hang in there,” I quickly corrected him. He swallowed hard before putting his bag down on the ground.

“You and… you know who still aren’t talking?” He looked at Mr. Kamalani, whispering to me. “You and Milo?”

“No, because he’s a hypocrite,” I spat out, rolling my eyes. “He was so against me joining my ex’s band two years ago and then he goes and recruits all of our friends and create this band without telling me.”

“Would you have joined if he asked—”

“No,” I quickly answered. “I’m not about to band-hop and get that reputation. He’s only doing it because he’s—”

“Mollie,” Weston interrupted me. “Are you mad at him because he created the band, or because he didn’t tell you about the band?”

“What’s the difference? He still chose to do this behind my back, and with Veronica too.”

Weston raised an eyebrow. “Veronica?”

“Yeah; her. Or Vero.” I sarcastically said.

“So you’re also mad at Ronnie because she decided to join Milo’s band?” Weston questions again. I hate when Weston constantly questioned me; it felt like I was in some sort of interrogation room.

“Ver—Ronnie has been my friend since middle school,” I began to explain, fidgeting with my fingers. “She was friends with me; not Milo, not Milo and me, but me. I felt like I could go to her for anything.” I sighed before continuing, trying to get past the hardest part. “She was my best friend when Milo and I stopped talking for nearly two years. She was always on my side, and for her to do this and not tell me isn’t like her.” Weston nodded his head, making sure he understood where I was coming from. He didn’t immediately say anything, which I figured out the hard way meant he was carefully choosing his words before he spoke. I totally didn’t realize people actually thought before they spoke.

“I think Ronnie’s conflicted,” Weston finally said, looking at me. “I think she’s stuck in a place where she values you as her best friend while also juggling some feelings she may have for Milo.”

“What?” I said out loud, also getting Mr. Kamalani’s attention.

“Chill,” Weston demanded, pulling me back down to my seat. “I’m not saying it’s true, but if there wasn’t anything else there, I believe Ronnie would’ve said no to Milo’s offer.”

“That makes no sense. Ronnie always made it known she really didn’t like him even as a person,” I scoffed, trying to fathom this scenario. “Like, she was actually mad at me when Milo and I decided to be friends again.”

“Maybe something changed, who knows—but you owe it to both Ronnie and Milo to at least hear them out.” Weston swallowed hard before he continued. “Hard truth?”

I hesitated to answer. In the months Weston and I have been friends, we promised to always be honest with each other and speak our minds when we felt the need to do so. It was hard to lie to a guy like Weston anyway; it was like he knew every weird tick the body makes when they’re lying. It was easier to just be honest with him than have him call me out on my bluff, something no one really hasn’t ever done.

I can’t lie, I was nervous to hear what he had to say. It’s been awhile since Weston was the one to begin an hard truth session.

I let out a deep sigh. “Hard truth.”

“You’re holding onto your past and not allowing yourself to live for the present,” Weston immediately said to me.

I immediately get defensive. “I’m not holding onto my past—”

“Don’t lie to me, Mollie,” Weston interrupted me. “You’re holding onto your past and allowing it to mold your life now.” I immediately get up from the seat I was sitting in, getting ready to leave the classroom.

“You think you know everything about me? You don’t know anything, Weston. You only know the things I tell you.”

“I know you’re still hurt from your last relationship. I know that it probably took you by surprise and you’re still trying to process everything that happened. I know that you try to appear strong for your friends because you’re scared of being vulnerable in front of them, because you never allowed them to see that. I know you’re mad at the circumstances and not at your friends.” Weston crossed his arms, solidifying his answer.

“You’re wrong—” I began to get up from my seat until Weston grabbed my hand, stopping me. I can see Mr. Kamalani look up from his desk, observing the situation.

“Wes—”

“Ms. Castro? Mr. Ashmore?” Mr. Kamalani stood up from his seat, cutting the conversation short. Weston let go of my hand and looked the other way. I walked away from him, sitting in my assigned seat for class.

The bell rang, and the rest of my classmates began to come into the classroom. I took out my music binder, flipping the pages to get to the pieces were practicing.

“Did you get to see Aaron’s band play at the VMA’s last night?” One girl asked another girl in the seats in the first row. “I did not know he could sing like that.”

“He was a dual major; he just started to sing though,” the other girl said. I watched the other girl side eye me before whispering to her friend. If that wasn’t enough, I instantly remembered that Milo’s assigned seat was next to mine.

I could see Milo coming into the second row, sitting next to me. I tried to pay no mind to him.

“Mol—”

“Don’t talk to me,” I quickly spat out.

“I tried to find you at lunch today,” Milo continued to speak. “You can be mad at me all you want, but don’t be mad at Vero.”

“Why do you care? You’re fucking her or something?” I spat out. Milo scrunched his brows at me.

“No, Mol; are you fucking Weston?” Milo spat back.

“Where the fuck did that come from?” I immediately asked him. Saved by Mr. Kamalani beginning to class. I turned my body back to the front, completely over Milo at this point. What the hell is he talking about? Did Weston tell him something? I looked over to where Weston was sitting; his attention was directed towards his music binder.

“Seriously Mol, this is the exact reason why I didn’t tell you; you’re always making things about yourself,” Milo responded.

“You made it about me when you decided to make my best friend lie for you,” I spat back, turning my head toward him.

“Mr. Kamalani, Ms. Castro; do we have a problem listening to my directions?” Mr. Kamalani said. Milo rolled his eyes and went back to his music; I did the same. As Mr. Kamalani continued to lecture the class, I couldn’t help but look at Weston. Why was this kid so fucking mysterious? Do I really know the kind of person he is?

Shortly after, Weston looked up, noticing me looking at him. He smiled and I smiled back, unable to read him anymore.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: *This* Isn’t Up For Discussion.

liz

You don’t really know what goes on with a person just by solely looking at them.

You don’t know where their thoughts are in this very moment, or what goes on behind closed doors and away from the public. Even the minor things you may notice about a person: you don’t really know what the hell is going on.

So, if this is the case, why do we feel so comfortable pointing out things about a person without knowing anything that person is dealing with? Even more so, why do we feel like we’ve earned the right to comment on things about people and their appearance?

I think about the whole body conversation happening on the internet regarding Ariana Grande, especially after starting her tour earlier this summer and images of her on stage went viral online. This isn’t the first time she has fell victim of the body comments (and isn’t the first celebrity to be critiqued about their body). In fact, these conversations date back a couple of years back, especially when promoting the Wicked movie franchise with an image that was completely different than the one most know her for. While some people will debate that she’s in the public eye which means people will no doubt look at her and comment on her appearance, she’s still a human at the end of the day and we do not have the right to comment on her body, and if you feel like you do for some strange reason, keep it to yourself. (Hi there, future Liz here! Please take for consideration that this was written prior to her album release and her hiatus announcement due to the discourse currently happening about her. Despite my personal opinion on the subject, I am simply saying that these conversations should be had in private with those closest to her, despite her being in the public eye. Just like any other human being, she deserves the right to some privacy.)

Hi, my name is Liz, and my hair is not up for discussion.

Lemme explain.

It’s no secret that this last year I’ve had a difficult relationship with my hair. For context: I’ve cut my hair short earlier this year, I’ve had bad trich episodes that left me with bald spots, I’ve dyed and bleached, dyed and bleached, dyed and bleached and dyed it again, cut it immensely short, and here I am 7 months later still having a hard time with my hair. I grew up with my hair being linked to my identity, and it’s been pretty hard to rewire my brain to delink the two. On top of that, I’ve secretly dealt with trichotillomania for 19 years before it was officially diagnosed in 2025. In a nutshell, I’ve always had this weird relationship with my hair, but this year has felt like a constant battle.

The people around me have noticed too.

Within the last couple of months, I’ve had people commenting on my hair in both good and bad ways. When I officially bleached and dyed my hair pink earlier this year, it gave me attention I wasn’t used to getting (it had been a couple of years since I rocked a vivid color like that). From then, I guess I was trying to feel that initial high I felt when I first did it, thinking everything had to “feel right” in order to leave it alone.

Needless to say it never felt right after that, and more and more people felt the need to comment on the constant changes.

“You’re obsessed.”

“Again?”

“What; do you dye your hair every night or something?”

The list goes on.

It has gotten to a point where I feel anxious every time I make a hair decision these days because even if it’s a change I want to do, I fear someone might say something about it, and that’s disheartening; to take something that’s suppose to feel good now feeling like a dirty secret I was keeping until I went out in public. To get even more personal with it: From the hours of 8PM to 12AM yesterday of the day I’m writing this, I processed my hair (color remover, bleach, toner, semi AND permanent hair dye) possibly 7 times. In secret. In hopes that once I got out of the bathroom, nobody in my house would say anything about it. Nothing felt right to me, and when I kept getting that urge to fix it, I worried that I’d be subjected to unwanted comments about something I’ve been highly insecure about this year.

That’s it. That’s my story about struggling with my hair, all while having my hair exposed to others to judge and comment on.

Making comments about something that a person is silently struggling with makes the relationship with it even harder to deal with. It only fuels the inner voice in your head that mimics what other people are saying about it. “You need to stop fucking with your hair, Liz.” “Maybe you do have a hair addiction that you not even aware of.” “You’re hair obsessed.” “Why do you always get triggered when the topic of your hair is discussed?” “People are judging the fuck outta you, girl.” In a way, it even confirms that that inner voice, the one I usually as the judgmental one, is probably right about these things and that I should listen to it more–even if listening to it means that I care about what other people think of me–which goes against everything I stand for.

Maybe I’m just dealing with something internally that I’m not made aware of yet: self-image, identity, content with one’s self–who knows? Maybe the way my body is acting out the uncertainty is by constantly changing my hair because it wants to feel that feeling again when I used to get positive attention toward it.

Even if all of that is true, what I decide to do or not to do with my hair is not up for discussion, even if I choose to share my journey with trichotillomania and hair OCD on the internet. I speak about it to diffuse the energy, but it’s not an invitation for people to comment–or make comments–about it. At the end of the day, I am still learning how to manage this through a new lens, and with that comes a ton of trial and error. My inner voice wouldn’t be so fed up about this if I could manage my trichotillomania and hair OCD the way I want to at the end of the day.

Be kind to others, that’s all. When you think you’re helping someone by giving them your unsolicited advice, you might be hindering, or feeding the negativity behind the thing at hand.

Oh, and you don’t need to hide your bald-ass head; it’s literally the middle of summer, queen.

The Unwritten Pages.

Unspoken Understanding: Written by Jennifer.

liz

I woke up the next morning with the most red sunburn I’ve gotten in years, and is probably the reason why I opted to not visit any local beaches when I was traveling this summer.

When I was in California, I went to the Santa Monica Pier for the day in hopes that I could distract myself from my own thoughts. It had only been three weeks since Cullen passed, and my phone was on ‘do not disturb’ for most of this trip. I just didn’t want to set into reality that I had to return back one last time.

The sunset over the ocean water was beautiful and calming. I sat on the boardwalk and people watched, wondering what was their reason for being here. Were they locals just spending a night out on a Wednesday? Were they on vacation for a special occasion? Honeymoon? Family reunion? A wedding? Were they running away from something inevitable like I was? Can they tell that was my reason?

By the time I got back to New York, I realized that my time in California was strictly because it was thousands of miles away from home; not North Carolina, but home.

I walked downstairs to see my mom and Mollie in the kitchen eating breakfast. Mollie had on her day camp attire on, which meant today was my day to take her to and from the place. My mom turned her head and greeted me with a smile.

“Peppie,” Mom began to say. “I tried waking you up earlier to eat, but you weren’t budging. I gave the rest to your cousin before Aunt Gabby took him to summer school.”

“Faith told me that Bradley sleeps while he’s in summer school,” Mollie said out loud. “But don’t tell Faith that I told you; she’ll kill me!” I smiled at my sister. Gosh, to be that age again where all you had to worry about was not getting caught doing something bad by your parents.

“You need me to take Mol to camp?” I asked my mom, grabbing a cookie from the cookie jar. She rolled her eyes at me, knowing she hated when I did so in front of my little sister.

My mom gave me an unsettling look. Mollie was the one to respond.

“Daddy is taking me to camp,” she answered, eating the last of her breakfast. I looked at my mom, not saying anything in words. It was better off that way in front of the children.

“Mollie Sue, why don’t you go upstairs and finish getting ready?” My mom said, smiling at my sister. She sighed loudly, getting out of her chair and walking toward the staircase.

“My first name is Mollie, not Mollie Sue! You don’t call Peppie ‘Jennifer Ann’,” Mollie debated as she walked up the stairs. She does have a point.

“So,” I began to say as I crossed my arms along my chest. “Dad is taking and picking her up from camp today, huh?”

“Don’t start with me Peppie,” Mom said as she picked up the plate from the kitchen table.

“I’m just saying; do you hate the girl?” I asked sarcastically. My mom was not amused.

“He wanted to see her—”

“You could’ve said no.”

“That’s his daughter,” Mom spat back.

“And? Me and Mars are also his daughters and you don’t see us having father-daughter days with him. Let him spend time with his other family.” I emphasized.

It was no secret that I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my father. The first time my parents separated I was just 4 years old; Mars had only been a few months old. At the time, my mom didn’t tell us where he went when he never came back, and she surely did not know what to say about it when they rekindled their love 12 years later. They remarried after my mom had Mollie; he was always there for my little sister as she was growing up. It wasn’t until early last year that my mom found out the reason he left the first time was because he had an affair with another woman, and had a whole other family with her too. It was my mom’s last straw, and my parents got divorced later that year. I wasn’t in New York when it officially happened, and a part of me still kicks myself for leaving when Mollie needed someone the most.

“You know Mollie is different,” Mom simply said, watching the plate in the sink. I knew Mollie was different; she’s always been different than me and Mars. In the same breath, I envied her for having a better relationship with our father than we did. Maybe I would’ve had some guidance for my life if I had a father-figure growing up.

“Well, I hope he doesn’t let her down the way he did with us,” I scoffed, walking away from the kitchen. All of a sudden, I felt like I needed some air. I felt like I was suffocating in this house, and I needed some sort of way out of it for some time.

Nicki was on strict bed rest awaiting the arrival of her and Danny’s first baby, so seeing them was out of the picture. I would go to Milo’s, but he probably is busy with his son—

My phone went off, and it was surprisingly a message from Milo: “I hope that sunburn didn’t keep you up last night.” I smiled at the message and immediately dialed his number; why the hell are you so giddy, Pep?

Milo instantly picked up the phone. “Did I wake you or something?” He answered.

“No, no; sadly I’ve been awake for some time. I thought I was going to have to take Mollie to her day camp, but my mom told me that her father is taking her for the day.” Her father.

Milo stayed quiet for a moment before responding. “So, you’re off the hook from your sister duties today, huh?” I was glad he didn’t correct me.

“Seems like it,” I sighed, walking into my room, which is still decorated the same way it was prior to leaving last year. “What’s on your agenda today?”

“Well, Milo’s grandparents have him for the day while I get my life together,” Milo began to say. “I’ve yet to go and buy his school supplies for school and should probably get that out of the way.”

“Just gather some pens around your house and put it in his book bag,” I joked, remembering the times I had to do that for school.

Milo laughed. “You know, that’s not a bad idea.” I smiled through the phone; a wave of calmness settled in me. “Since you’re not on sister duty today, would you like to come with me to run some errands? I feel like I need another adult around to keep me on track.”

“Run some errands; how exciting,” I sarcastically said before laughing. “God, we really are the new adults.”

“Is that a yes?” Milo asked, jumping the gun.

“You know where I live,” I answered back.

…

I used to dread the days where I would walk into a store during the summer and they already had back to school stuff out. Nowadays, it’s just a gentle reminder that the summer was coming to an end and that life had to restart for everyone and get serious again.

I walked down the aisles with Milo has he looked at a list, sighing every time he put it down.

“I cannot wait until Milo is out of elementary school,” he commented, grabbing a 2-pack supply of disinfectant wipes. Looking down at his basket, I realized it looked more like a house cleaning restock than a school supply one. “Why are the parents in charge of buying the teacher supplies as well?”

“That’s kind of harsh for someone who so happens to be a teacher,” I pointed out, looking at Milo. He rolled his eyes, grabbing a pack of tissues from the shelf.

“A high school teacher,” he emphasized. “I’d be happy if my students came to my class with a pencil with no eraser and a piece of loose leaf paper.” We continued to walk down the aisles, grabbing different supplies from the shelf to buy for his son. Occasionally, Milo would stop in the teacher aisle, grabbing some things for his classroom. It was cute seeing him get all excited for the upcoming school year with his new supplies.

Once all the supplies were purchased, Milo insisted that we go somewhere for lunch. I wasn’t feeling very hungry, but I guess he had worked up an appetite after all this shopping. We ended up at some sandwich shop; it was a place I’ve never been to. We walked inside the shop in which a man greeted Milo upon entering. It seems like Milo knows about this place.

“My friend!” The guy over the counter greeted Milo as we walked up. “School ends and you forget to come visit?”

“Hi, Pauly,” Milo said, seeming shy. “I haven’t had to come over here since my son was let out of school.” Pauly looked at me before looking back at Milo. Milo cleared his throat, looking at me now. “This is Jennifer.”

“Nice to meet you—”

“Beautiful, beautiful girlfriend,” Pauly commented, looking at Milo. I can feel my face getting hot.

“No, no,” Milo said, quickly laughing it off. “She’s my friend; childhood friend.” Pauly just nodded as he shook my hand. Something tells me he doesn’t believe that.

“What can I get for you two today?” Pauly finally asked.

“I’ll take my usual, and…” Milo looked over at me, waiting for me to say something.

“I’ll take the pastrami sandwich,” I said.

“Great choice from the lady,” Pauly said, writing the order on a note pad. “Give me about 10 minutes for both sandwiches.”

“Thank you, Pauly,” Milo said. He turned around and directed us to a table near the window facing out toward the street. He settled in his seat, placing the shopping bags underneath the table.

“It seems like you’re a regular here,” I said, starting up the conversation. Milo sighed before he spoke.

“It wasn’t all smiles and laughs,” he said, looking at me. “Last year, Milo wasn’t eating and this sandwich shop was the only place he felt comfortable eating at after school. It was on the way back home and far away from the elementary school so no one in his class saw him.”

“Oh,” I simply said, regretting that I even asked. “Sorry—”

“No need,” Milo shook his head and smiled. “He’s doing a lot better, and coming here after school became a pat of our routine.” I tightly smiled, not saying anything. I feel like an intruder being in a space that was known to be Milo and his son’s.

“It’s weird to see you socialize with other people,” I said to Milo. He raised an eyebrow as if he was confused. “You were never the person that went out of their way to do so.”

“I didn’t have to be when you were around being the life of the party,” Milo commented, taking a sip of his drink. I rolled my eyes, taking a sip of my own drink. “Surely there are places you visited a lot when you lived in North Carolina.”

I scoffed before I said anything. “Yeah, I’m sure the medical assistants at the doctor’s office knew me on a first-name basis.” I could see Milo biting the inner part of his lip, which was what he used to do whenever he was embarrassed for saying or doing something wrong. “Sorry, that was mean—”

“No, no,” Milo said, trying to play it off. “I shouldn’t have assumed—”

“Assumed what?”

“Not assumed, but—”

“I think we need to finally talk about it,” I finally said, getting straight to the point. Milo looked at me, but didn’t say a word back. “About my time in North Carolina.”

“Pep, you don’t have to if—”

“I didn’t do much when I lived there,” I began to explain, cutting Milo’s train of thought off. “I didn’t have time to really live there when I was there. Wherever I went it was with Cullen, and it wasn’t us going into town and finding local spots where the owners knew us. Half of that time was spent at doctor’s office for various check-ups and bloodwork being done, ad then we’d go back home where I’d cooked us dinner and we spent the rest of the night together. The only place I went without Cullen was my dance practices. Other than that, I didn’t really live there.”

Before Milo could say anything, Pauly came to our table and served us our sandwiches. “Thank you,” Milo said to Pauly.

Pauly smiled and then looked at me. “The pastrami is also fresh,” he said. I smiled as Pauly turned around, speaking to another worker behind the counter. I looked back at Milo, trying to read the expression on his face.

“I wasn’t the same girl you know me as when I was living there. I was… living in a shell of what I was.”

“It’s understandable,” Milo finally chimed in. “You were taking care of someone that required a lot of self-sacrifice. It’s easy to lose yourself in that process.” I looked at Milo as he spoke. He didn’t say much, but he never did when it came to serious conversations like this. It bothered me to an extent; sometimes I just want someone to bluntly say what they want to say without beating around the bush. But, it was Milo, and we always had this unspoken understanding of one another. Maybe that’s what made us such good friends in the first place.

I finally looked down and took a bite of my sandwich. I was surprised at just how good it was. Milo started laughing, noticing just how wide my eyes had gotten. Maybe I don’t say much either; he just knows what’s going on inside my mind or something.

The Something Series: 뭔가 다른 것

Grace’s Something of a Theory: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

The first month after Maki was born felt something between one week and one year long.

Maki has such an addicting personality; she really takes after Grace. Her face says exactly what she wants to say and is super unapologetic for doing so. Maki was also a very calm baby throughout the day. She rarely cries, and if she does it’s because she wants Grace. The way that Maki always wanted Grace made me realize that Maki might just be a mama’s girl. I can’t lie, it sort of makes me really jealous of Grace.

While Maki has been the perfect baby during the day hours, she shows her true colors when the moon comes out, like a werewolf. 

I can just make out Maki’s cry over the baby monitor. When I hear her continued cry, I looked over at Grace, barely awake.

“Jagiya, it’s your turn,” I sleepy said. “Jagiya?” I opened my eyes when I didn’t hear Grace respond, and finally see why; Grace is passed out from exhaustion. I did feel bad for her; she has her hands busy all while still recovering from giving birth. I began to get out of bed, lowering the baby monitor before getting up to walk out our bedroom.

“Maki-ya,” I said as I walked into Willow and Maki’s shared room. I was thankful that Willow hasn’t been with us for the past couple of days; Max and Miriam took her to England for the very first time. Willow has had a lot of firsts in her little life in the span of a month too. I walked up to Maki’s bassinet, seeing the little bean scream out. “Yeobo, sweetheart.”

To my surprise, Maki begins to look up at me, seeming to stop crying as she does. I smile down at her, trying to comfort her. Even a month into fatherhood, I still can’t believe I am sitting in a rocking chair holding my daughter in my arms. 

I take her out of the room, and walk to the kitchen with Maki still in my arms. I turned the little light on from the oven, preparing to feed Maki. I was thankful when she actually took the bottle this time after nights of Maki wanting the real thing directly from the source.

“I know it’s not eomma, but I’m happy you’re here in my arms right now.” Maki continues to drink from the bottle, seeing her eyes get droopy by the minute. I couldn’t help but be smitten at the sight. 

“jollin agiguna,” I cooed, putting her on my shoulder to her burp. I found myself speaking in Korean a lot more, specifically to Maki. I didn’t mean to do that, but to me it was the most natural thing I can do as I spoke to my first born. She was Korean-American and it was important to me she knew both English and Korean. 

I gently pat her back, helping her burp up after her meal. This burp was a loud one; she very much enjoyed her late-night snack. 

“uwa, chaghan ai,” I said to her in Korean first. “Good girl, Maki!” I took one of her balled up fists and lift it up for her victory. She wasn’t amused; in fact, she rolled her eyes at me, already acting like a mini-Grace.

“You know, eomma does that same thing you do,” I pointed out, knowing Maki was too young to actually have a conversation with me. “She rolls her eyes instead of just admitting just how funny I truly am.” Maki scrunches her face as if she was wondering what I was even saying to her. “Someday I’ll tell you my funniest of jokes; you’re going to love them.”

I walked her back to her room, watching her slowly drifting away to sleep. I placed her back into her bassinet, noticing just how tiny she looked in it. I still can’t believe you’re mine.

As I slowly closed Maki’s bedroom door, I turned around and noticed Grace standing there.

I held my chest with my hand. “Ya,” I began to say. “What are you doing snooping in the dark?”

“You did it again,” Grace commented. “Putting the alarm on high volume after hitting snooze.” Aigoo, I nearly scared Grace off the bed when it first happened. 

“Mianhae,” I said, apologizing to Grace. “You could’ve came into Maki’s room.”

“And scared you while you have her in your arms? No way,” Grace spat back, letting out a deep sigh. I could see how tired she was standing there. “Is she okay though? Did she eat what was in the bottle? Does she—“

“Jagiya,” I stopped her spiraling with a smile. “Yes, she took the bottle. She went straight to sleep.” It took some time for the worry to fade from Grace’s face. One thing I’ve noticed about Grace since Maki’s arrival was that she was way more maternal than she believed. She was truly a mama bear, overprotective of her baby cub. She was even sometimes overprotective of Maki with me. 

“You know how fussy she can be,” Grace said, walking towards the kitchen counter. She opens the fridge and takes out the regular milk and cold brew. Grace was never a cold brew coffee type of person, but she realized that a cold brew with milk was way faster than brewing a cup of coffee. It helped on the mornings that Maki was wide awake with us, wanting her eomma to hold her. 

I sat across from her on the island, watching her pour her cup of coffee and my cup. She took out the cold foam and poured into my cup; a more recent discover of my liking. Maybe I needed the sugar rush to keep up with Maki and Grace at the same time.

“So,” I began the conversation. “You just so happen to wake up after I got up for Maki.”

“I couldn’t help myself,” Grace responded, swirling her coffee in her cup. “I heard you in her room through the baby monitor. I didn’t want to disrupt you and Maki time.” 

Me and Maki time. “I was glad she was okay with me getting her.” Grace sighed as she looked at me. 

“You’re her father—“

“She prefers you, jagiya,” I said, accepting it as truth. “You’ve casted a spell on her or something.”

Grace couldn’t help but laugh, leaning in to ruffle my hair like a golden retriever. 

“She can sense that you’re nervous around her still,” Grace confessed. I shook my head, clearly caught off-guard and confused. 

“I’m not nervous around my daughter,” I scoffed, folding my arms along my chest. 

“You immediately get nervous when she cries in your arms for more than 5 seconds,” Grace emphasized. “I’m not judging you—“

“Excuse me for this being my first time,” I said, half jokingly.

“I just don’t want you to feel like she has a preference of parent. You’re just not showing her your true self just yet.” I was skeptical of Grace’s reasoning. The girl has been on this earth for a month and I’m not being myself? 

“And you think she can sense that?” I asked, playing along. Grace confidently nodded back.

“She can sense your tension. Once she feels like you’ve loosen up, she will melt in your arms.” Grace held my face with her hands, puffing up my cheeks. “She is going to love you so much, Jamie.”

…

I sat on the couch with Maki in my arms, feeding her out from the bottle. Grace was busy getting ready for a girl’s night out with her, Sky, Maurice, and Aimee. I encouraged her to go; it’s the least that Grace can do to get some time for herself.

She walked out the bedroom wearing a spaghetti-strapped satin dress with her sneakers. She anxiously looked around the kitchen as if she lost something.

She let out a deep breath. “There should be enough bottles for Maki to last her the night.”

“Got it.”

“And make sure you clean her bum with some powder; but not that chalky white one because it breaks her out.”

“Understood—”

“And—”

“jayiga,” I stopped Grace in her tracks, getting up from the couch. “Maki is going to be fine. You have nothing to worry about.” I kissed her forehead for final reassurance. “Go have fun with your friends. You deserve it.”

Grace smiled at me before kissing Maki on the top of head. “Be a good girl for appa, okay baby?” Maki cooed loudly at her mother, putting the biggest smile on Grace’s face. She looked at me one final time before leaving out the front door.

“Oh! And–“

“Ya,” I smiled as I said. Grace playfully rolled her eyes and leaned in for a kiss. She smiled at me afterwards.

“Have a good time tonight with Maki,” she finished her sentence. She walked away from the apartment as I closed the door with my free hand.

“Alright, Maki; what’s gonna be in store for us today?” I said, smiling down at her.

…

It had only been two hours, and Maki has not stopped crying for at least one of them. Toys were scattered around the apartment, and every baby gadget that we got doesn’t seem to be working.

I placed her down in her little rocker as she looked up at me with tears in her eyes. I sat across from her, finally getting off my feet for the first time tonight.

“Maki-ya,” I said as I rubbed my eyes with my hands. “museun il-ieyo? What’s wrong, sweetheart?” In this moment, I wish Maki was old enough to verbally tell me what it was that she wanted because this guessing game with her as been a complete failure.

She continues to cry as the rocker sways side to side. Thankfully, the doorbell rang just in time. I picked Maki up from the rocker and walked to the door.

“Thank god,” I reacted seeing Shawn standing there. I invited him inside, closing the door behind him. He looks at Maki as she looks at him with a wet face as she momentarily stopped crying.

“Hi, Maki!” Shawn said in his squeaky baby voice, which prompted Maki to cry once again. Shawn looked up at me, now nervous.

“She’s been crying for an hour, Shawn,” I finally explain, rocking Maki in my arms. “I don’t know what else to do.”

“Did you call Grace?” he asked. I shook my head no. “Hyung,” Shawn crossed his arms along his chest.

“I don’t want to ruin her night out. She deserves some time for herself,” I answered back, looking down at Maki. “She’s never cried for this long, Shawn; what do I do?”

“You’re asking me?” Shawn asked, shocked. He’s right about that at least. I sat on the sofa with Maki on my lap now. I tried giving her a pacifier one last time before I ditched the whole thing. Thankfully, she took it just for a couple of minutes, just enough to get myself together.

“Is this your first time looking after Maki without Grace?” Shawn asked me.

I scoffed before I said anything. “Do you know how long it took Grace to actually decide to go out tonight? She’s practically glued herself to Maki.” I reflected back on the month since bringing Maki home, noting that Grace was by Maki’s side 24/7. Maybe Maki is having some separation anxiety; I assumed it would be Grace that would.

“Maybe Maki thinks Grace isn’t coming back, kind of like a cat or dog,” Shawn said. I looked at him with a perplexed look, which made him continue on his tangent. “Like, when a pet owner leaves for a day, it’s common that they cry out for them because they think they are being abandoned.”

“Is that suppose to put me at ease?”

“Maybe it also works for babies.” Shawn really wanted to be right about this. “You just have to show her that you’re just as good as Grace.” Maki spat out the pacifier and started crying again.

“What? Are you also going to tell me that I need to be myself around her?” I asked, softly bouncing her on my leg. Shawn got up from where he was sitting, offering to hold Maki. I transferred her from my arms into his. Grace would have my head on a platter if she knew Shawn is holding Maki without her or Sky around for supervision purposes.

As soon as Shawn sets Maki in his arms, she immediately stops crying. She just looks up at Shawn as if she just wasn’t crying at the top of her lungs.

“Hi, Maki!” Shawn said. This girl has no emotion on her face. Shawn continued to smile down at her. “I don’t know if I should stop smiling or if it’s keeping her from crying.”

I couldn’t help but sit back down on the sofa, defeated. Shawn finally looked over at me.

“That’s just great. I can’t even get my own daughter to stop crying,” I said, feeling frustrated.

“Hajima,” Shawn scolded. Before I reminded him of his honorifics, he shook his head. “Don’t, especially in front of Maki.” I looked at Maki, staring intently at Shawn as he spoke.

This is the part of fatherhood that they don’t teach you. The absolute guilt you feel when everything you do still doesn’t ease your baby. The sinking feeling of your heart when they look at you and still cry. It was a sight and a feeling that I hate, and wish I could get rid of already.

“Maybe you’re taking it too serious, Hyung,” Shawn suggested.

“Too serious? To Maki, it is serious if she’s crying—”

“You just have to be yourself,” he answered back. I scoffed. Not this again. “She could probably sense your nervous energy, making her feel nervous. You know babies have a sixth sense like that.”

“I’ve taken care of my nieces just fine—”

“But this is your daughter. Half of her DNA is yours; she knows how nervous you are.” Maki makes a sudden movement in Shawn’s arms, cooing as she looked over at me. “Once you show her who you really are, she’ll be fine.” Shawn gets up from his seat, handing Maki back to me. Thank goodness she didn’t start crying… yet.

…

The couple of hours that Maki has been asleep were peaceful until they weren’t. She woke up, screaming for her bottle by the end of the night.

I walked into her room with her bottle in hand, placing it on top of the changing table as I picked her up from her bassinet.

“I know, I know,” I reassured her as I placed her in my arms. Normally, she would willingly take her bottle if Grace wasn’t around. Maybe she can sense your nervousness, Hyung. Great, now I have Shawn’s thoughts inside my own inner thoughts.

Maki cried and cried; nothing seemed to be working. I was getting this gut feeling that maybe, just maybe, she just didn’t like me. Maybe she preferred Grace over me. Aigoo, even thinking that is breaking my heart.

She’s going to love you so much: Grace’s words from earlier today make it worth at least try to help soothe our child.

“Maki-ya,” I said, sitting down in the rocking chair. I tried giving her bottle once more time before I finally caved in and called Grace. You got this, Jamie. I let out a deep breath, then looked down at Maki. “halemoni used to sing this to me as a baby; I think you’ll like it a lot.” Without seeking Maki’s reassurance, I began to sing jaljara uri aga, or “Hush Hush, our Baby”.

At first, Maki hated it. It was like she wanted to see who can scream louder at this time of night. Instead of letting her get her way, I tried to refocus her direction on me as I rocked her in my. “Maki-ya.” She looked up at me for a brief moment, locking in her big, brown eyes on me. I continued to sing softly to her: A baby more beautiful than the moon, a baby more beautiful than the stars; Hush hush our baby, our baby sleeps so well. The longer I sang to her, the more calm she became. She couldn’t stop staring up at me as her eyes slowly began to close.

“dalbodado goun aga, byul bodado bitnan aga; jajang jajang uri aga, jaldo janda uri aga,” I finished the song in Korean, seeing her finally drift to sleep in my arms. Did I get crack the code? Did I successfully look after my daughter while her mother was away? I knew I should’ve put Maki back in her bassinet as soon as she fell asleep, but I was stuck to the rocking chair, stuck to Maki for the rest of my life.

…

“Jamie?” I heard a woman’s voice, thinking it was just a dream I was having. It wasn’t until I left something on my shoulder that finally woke me up from my sleep.

“Grace?” I said in a sleepy voice. I rubbed my eyes as they opened to see Grace standing there. “Jagiya.“

“Bed’s too comfortable for you?” Grace teased as she sat down next to me. I shook my head, smirking as my response.

“Can’t sleep in our bed without the other part of our,” I teased back, finally awake and aware of everything. I quickly turned my head towards Maki’s bedroom. “She’s still sleeping, right?”

Grace nodded her head. “I peeked in there and she’s out like a light. You must’ve really tired her out, huh?”

“She almost won tonight,” I said, leaning my head back on the sofa, looking over at Grace. “But in the end, appa got through the battle cries.”

Grace shook her head as she laughed. “Yeah? What’d you do?”

“A magician never reveals his magic tricks,” I teased Grace. She rolled her eyes as she smiled at me. I couldn’t help but smile back.

The Junior Journals.

“There’s The Door, Baby”: Milo’s Journal.

liz

It was finally the night that the band would make its debut; a showcase of up and coming Waverly bands and artists go and perform.

I looked at toward the stage in the back, seeing the flashing lights and audience cheering them on after every set. 

“Hey,” I hear a girl’s voice say, turning around to see it was Vero. She smiled as she stood next to me, watching the stage. “Tonight’s the night. You’re nervous?”

“It’s our debut show; of course I’m nervous,” I mentioned looking at the crowd. I start noticing familiar faces sitting within the crowd. I see Mollie sitting with Weston; interesting. I see the other bandmates and vocalists from our classes, including Allen and Sophie with their group of friends. My stomach instantly churned.

I don’t say anything right away while Vero was standing there. It was awkward, seeing your past in the same vicinity as your current. 

Vero and I pulled away from our second kiss, seeming to enjoy it way more than either of us expected. 

“Well, this is awkward,” she finally said. 

“Awkward?”

“Having songs written about your ex after… this just happening,” Vero further explained, then sighed. “We shouldn’t have done this—“

“Vero,” I began to say before she interrupted me again.

“This is how bands break up; things get super weird between two people and the vibe is instantly off.”

“Vero, the vibe is a band of four people who happened to be friends,” I began to explain. “One of them is just down for the music, Davy wants to pick up girls saying he’s a musician in a band, and the other two?” I looked down at Vero, taking in her softness for a moment. She was beautiful when she showed that side. The side that she just so happened wanted me to see.

“Yeah?” Vero said, feeling impatient. 

“The other two just so happened to… like each other,” I finally said. 

There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that my thoughts were occupied with Vero whenever she wasn’t around. It was like all I wanted to hang out with was her, and when I didn’t, I felt a bit sad. Vero was the type of girl I didn’t think would excite me the way that Vero does. She was the complete opposite of Sophie.

“I tolerate you,” Vero corrected, smiling as she did. I couldn’t help but lean in for a kiss; something I found myself desiring the more I looked at her.

“Yeah, yeah,” I said to her lips before pressing mine against hers.

“Milo?” Vero snapped me out of my train of thought. My vision was focusing itself, and I noticed just where I was. I looked down at her, now focused on her. “We’re gonna rock the fuck out this show.” I appreciate her enthusiasm at this moment.

The band and I are fully dressed and ready to perform our set. We all held hands and said a little good luck prayer to get us through our debut show.

“We’re gonna do great out there,” I started the talk off, looking at everyone with their heads down. “We have great music, and we are a great band. This wouldn’t have even been a thing if I didn’t have you guys experiencing this with me.” I looked over, and Vero was the first person to lift her head and look up at me. 

I stared at her back. “Let’s fucking do this.” The host is now quieting the audience down, introducing us as the next performance. I stood at the microphone stand, then turned my head toward Vero. She returned the look, then held out her pinky finger towards me, solidifying all of my thoughts and worries will be alright. We interlocked our pinkies like we were little kids swearing to a promise. 

The curtain open and the band is finally revealed to the audience. A few people reacted, possibly not realizing the four of us would do something like make a band together. I took a deep breath, finally stepping over to the microphone.

“What’s up, Waverly!” I shouted to the audience. The audience clapped and cheered loudly as their response. “I’m Milo, this is our bassist, Davy; our drummer, Jonah, and our lead guitarist, Vero!” Vero shredded a chord for her introduction, which made the crowd cheer. She’s waited so long for Vero to come out on stage. “And we are Surgical Logic!” The rest of the band free-styled an intro sound effect.

“We got a couple of songs we’d like to play tonight for you, but let’s start off by introducing our sound with, ‘There’s the Door, Baby’.” The audience clapped as we got in position, waiting for our queue to start. Before I can fully prepare myself for the song, it starts and I instantly get into music mode.

The lights make it hard for me to see the rest of the audience besides one corner of the venue. It just so happened it was where Sophie and her friends were sitting.

I looked directly at her, singing the bridge as the key of the song changed.

“I know we’ve been a part for some time, and you’re now with someone new // I hope you found your Mr. Right was worth breaking my heart in two.”

I looked over at Vero, shredding the guitar solo after the chorus. Davy screamed his part of the song, adding a heavy mental angst in the song. Vero’s fingers quickly strummed the strings, looking insanely cool while doing it. Her hair swung as she threw it back away from her face. The audience roared in excitement. The audience loved Vero.

I started to sing the final chorus of the song, giving it my all. I felt like some rockstar on stage; I had no idea I even had this persona in me.

I grabbed my mic stand and leaned it toward Vero, looking straight into her eyes. “Please stay, won’t you come inside, baby? // Please stay; never leave my side, baby // Please stay and promise you’ll be mine.” Vero’s eyes never leave mine.

The audience began cheering loudly, clapping their hands as the song ended. I turned back to the audience, and took my first bow. When I got back up, my eyes interlocked with Sophie’s.

She was the only person that wasn’t clapping her hands.

…

The door to the dressing room slammed open, and scared the shit out of me. To my surprise, it was Mollie.

“So,” Mollie began to say. Weston ran up next to her as if he was running after her. “You guys come up with a top secret band and don’t tell me?” I looked over at Vero whose face turned pale.

“Mollie,” Vero began to say.

“Especially you, Ronnie; or should I call you Vero?.” She spat back. “You’re supposed to be my best friend—”

“I asked her to join my band,” I jumped in. Vero looked at me confused. “I told her to not say anything to you.”

Mollie’s eyes pierced me. “You told them to not tell me? After everything we’ve been through, everything I’ve been through because of a band… you weren’t going to tell me?”

“Any mention of a band sets you off,” I spat back to defend myself. “You would’ve went crazy—”

“Don’t make this about me!” Mollie shouted at me. “You should’ve been man enough to tell me. Let me get mad! Let me shout and scream! But at least I can’t say you don’t value our friendship to at least tell me.”

“Mollie,” Weston said, stepping in front of her to break her eye contact. “Hey? Hey.” Mollie finally looked at Weston, still fuming. “Breathe.” It felt like this was something I wasn’t suppose to see. He calmed her down in a way no one has ever done before. What was going on between these two?

Mollie took a deep breath, closing her eyes as she exhaled. She directly looked at me once she opened her eyes.

“You’re supposed to be my best friend.” Mollie walked out the room, slamming the door open. Weston went after her as soon as she walked away.

Music Reviews

Top 5 Songs of 2026 (So Far!)

liz

Hello, hi! Welcome back to yet another casual blog post of Letters From Liz!

This time of year is always exciting for me; not because it’s the summertime and nearly everyone was wishing for these days just a couple of months ago, but because I truly get to sit down and see what songs have I listened to the most up until this point of the year. As some of you may know, every year for Lizmas I list some of my top favorite albums and songs that came out in the year, so this is just like that, but it’s for the middle mark of the year. Does that make sense?

Anyway, without further ado, here’s the top 5 songs that have been on repeat for the first half of 2026:

5.) Pinky Up – KATSEYE

It’s no secret that I really do enjoy Katseye’s music, so when they announced that they would be coming back with a single prior to their Coachella debut, I was tuned in. Knowing the direction that the group was taking (I mean, ‘Gnarly’ was a huge indicator of that musical shift), “Pinky Up” featured some of that experimental genre of music that felt like a good introducion into their next era. The song is easily a “club banger” type of song, which I felt was meticulously planned out with HYBE’s other girl groups’ comeback songs. Anyway, the one difference between this leading single with the leading single of their second EP, Beautiful Chaos was that “Pinky Up” had some melodic verses in it, showcasing Lara and Sophia’s vocals.

To address the obvious elephant in the room, this was the first comeback the girls had without their 6th member, Manon, which sparked up tons of speculation regarding her hiatus and what it truly means. Personally: I would’ve loved to see Manon in “Pinky Up” because I like all of the girls. I wish that HYBE at least included Manon in this album despite her hiatus (meaning have her in the songs but maybe sit out on promotions like most Kpop focused groups do) but nevertheless, I am looking forward to see what the direction that the group’s third EP, WILD, goes in. Disclaimer: their last EP in 2025 was one of my top favorite albums last year, so there’s ton of anticipation for this one.

4.) Irony – LE SSERAFIM

Speaking of other HYBE girl groups, I really enjoyed the musical direction that LE SSERAFIM has been on recently. It kind of started late last year when they released their single, “SPAGHETTI”; the music was catchy and kind of ridiculous-sounding. It made sense for Kpop, which was once known for its colorful and weird concepts. The group’s pre-single, “CELEBRATE”, a house-styled song with some EDM influence in certain choruses and whatnot. At first listen, it was weird at first because it was such a drastic change in genre for the group that it didn’t suit them at first? But, when they released their lead single for their second full-length album, PUREFLOW pt. 1, it made sense. LE SSERAFIM is a group that ventures out in music sound, which is evident to “BOOMPALA”, a Macarena-sampled song with feel good lyrics that get stuck in your head.

But, there’s one thing about this group that reigns on top: their b-side discography. LE SSERAFIM seems to always have one or two b-sides that just hit different, and for this album, it’s “Irony.” I don’t know what it is about this song, but the beat slaps. The melody works so well with the fast-paced beat, and the quirky English-verse chorus makes this such a good song. I would’ve loved to see this song be performed as a promotional b-side to the album, but all in all, I think this album was very much LE SSERAFIM coded.

3.) Human Extinction – WOODZ

God, I’m so glad we got WOODZ music again. Woodz is no stranger to these lists since this man is incapable of releasing a bad album or a bad song. This was his first physical release since his discharge from the military late last year (On a side note: I can’t believe that both my Kpop boys not only sang in the military band together and are legit friends, but they are finally discharged and making music again!) I was so excited when he announced that he would be coming back with a full-length album, like an actual full-length album with 17 original songs; not calling 5 to 7 songs a “full-length” album in Kpop standards. Anyway, the lead single, “Human Extinction” follows the rock sound that Woodz has been working with for quite some time, and this album doesn’t shy away from that. He just has the voice that can morph into different genres, I swear.

The album, within itself, is such a good album that showcases (yet again) the many different sides of Woodz. There’s some ballads, some more hip-hop fused raps, and some more rock-focused songs. Some of my personal favorites outside of its lead single are “Downtown,” “Struggle”, “Glass”, “NA NA NA”, “Plastic” and “00:30”. I just really enjoy his artistic direction in his projects, especially now that it seems like he is breaking that “Kpop boy” image he was first introduced to us as back in 2019. I just need Seungsik to release a physical album now, plz and thank u!

2.) 404 (New Era) – KiiiKiii

This silly little song by a 5th-gen Kpop girl group was not on the list of things I would be obsessed with this year. For some context, KiiiKiii is a 5th-generation Kpop girl group under Starship Entertainment; the agency known to house their senior girl group, IVE. The group consists of 5 members; Leesol, Sui, Jiyu, Huam, and Kya. Their group concept (to me at least) mirrors a lot of younger, rookie groups in the industry now: youthful, colorful, with a hint of nostalgia in there.

Their first official comeback after their debut was their second EP, Delulu Pack, which features their lead single, “404 (New Era)”. The lyrics are a play to the “404 Error” that you would commonly get when a webpage isn’t found. The song leans in that house music-esque genre where if you’re not voguing to the chorus, you simply don’t like fun music. While I don’t really follow 5th gen Kpop groups (only because sometimes I feel like I’m listening to idols literally half my age), this song was too catchy to not listen to. For context: this song came out in January 2026 and it’s still on my everyday listening playlist.

1.) Leak It – FLO

THIS SONG, Y’ALL. I’ve must’ve played this song 5,000 times within the last 4 months and honestly I would be so surprised if it doesn’t land on my top songs for the year on Spotify Wrapped. Some background on this group: I started casually listening to them a couple of years ago when I was writing different series’ on the blog, specifically “Summertime”. From there, I noticed their early 2000’s girl group influence in their music; it was apparent that these girls were bringing the girl group vibe back in westernized music.

This song embodies self-confidence. This song makes you feel like the baddest bitch on the planet, and these girls’ voices are no joke. There is just something about this song that is not skippable, and it must be played when it does. I also thought KATSEYE would be making music just like this when they debuted, but that’s a different story for a different day. Anyway, although I feel like FLO has made their way into the industry with recognition, I really do hope that they blow up and become a staple for girl groups thats’s not in a Kpop-related type company or influenced by the Kpop standard.

And that’s just about it! I know that there are a couple of releases coming in the second half of the year, so I’m excited to see what makes it to the list at the end of the year.

Until then! 🙂

y2katalogue: The Tapes

Tape #61: Conversations on IM.

liz

It’s the night before the first day of sophomore year, and Milo is spending his time AIMing Jennifer on the computer. They are talking about all of the things they want to do for sophomore year. Milo smiles as he types, listening to music on his CD player.

Someone takes one of the earbuds out of his ear, which scares him. He turns around, and notices his mom standing there.

Milo: God, mom; a warning would be nice—

Elise: I’ve called your name multiple times; I told you that you shouldn’t have your music in your ears too loud.

Milo turns back around in his seat, typing away at the computer.

Elise: You have school in the morning; you have 30 minutes left before you have to get off the computer.

Milo: Mom, I’m about to be 16 in a few months—

Elise: That doesn’t mean you’re going to wake up early tomorrow.

Milo sighs, typing away still.

Elise: I’m sure Jennifer’s mom is telling her the same thing…

Milo rolled his eyes, ignoring his mom. Elise sighs, closing the door behind her. An open door sound plays on his speaker, looking at his buddy list. He smiles, noticing it was Gwen. 

milolani: what is the smartest girl at Waverly doing up at this hour?

Gwennie:  LOL hi Milo ❤ I couldn’t sleep, baby is doing summersaults tonight.

Milo feels some level of guilt, knowing it’s been a rough summer for Gwen handling this pregnancy.

milolani: how r u feeling? r u okay?

Gwennie: I’m okay…

milolani: that wasn’t really convincing, babe…

Gwennie: Honest truth? I’m so nervous about going back to school. I feel like I’m already showing, and I really don’t want anyone to know.

Milo lets out a deep breath. He notices a new message coming in from Jennifer.

p3pp3r: helloooo??? r u still online??

milolani: sorry bout that, my mom came in the room to tell me I have 30 minutes left

p3pp3r: boo, she’s such a party pooper xD

milolani: isn’t ur mom telling u to go to bed too??

p3pp3r: she did and totally thinks i will 

milolani: smh, such a bad influence to mars

p3pp3r: guess were both bad influences huh?

Before Milo can write back to Jennifer, he gets a new message from Gwen.

Gwennie: Milo?

milolani: sorry, went to the bathroom real quick

milolani: u don’t have to b nervous, gwen. i’ll b right by ur side thru the whole thing ❤

Milo starts smiling, thinking about the days to come that he walks Gwen to her classes and spend their free time in the west wing.

Jennifer’s IM notification sound goes off. Milo minimizes his conversation with Gwen and goes back to Jennifer.

p3pp3r: do u want to meet up b4 skool trmw? 

p3pp3r: kinda don’t wanna b here when my mom takes pictures of me and mars

Before Milo can answer, Gwen’s IM notification sound goes off. He switches over to her conversation.

Gwennie: I really do appreciate you, Milo. You’ve made something that is normally so scary so… comforting.

Gwennie: Everything about you is comforting.
 
Gwennie: And I wouldn’t choose anyone else to go through this journey with. ❤

Milo smiles, feeling the butterflies in his stomach. 

milolani: me either, babe. 🙂

Before he could finish writing his message, his mom knocks on his bedroom door, shouting from the other side. He turns around in his seat, looking at the door.

Elise: Milo! Get ready to log off the computer now!

Both Jennifer and Gwen’s notification sounds go off. He turns around, opening Jennifer’s first.

p3pp3r: miiiiiloooooo??

milolani: yeah

Milo quickly switched over to Gwen’s conversation. 

Gwennie: Can we meet up before school? I’m not sure if we’ll even be in any of the same classes this year 😦

milolani: lol of course we can

milolani: meet u in front of sal’s pizza? 

Gwennie: Sounds like a plan. I should get going, my mom is going to expect me to be asleep by now, plus the baby has finally calmed down.

Gwennie: They must know I’m talking to you, lol ❤

Milo’s face gets red, blushing at Gwen’s messages. Moments later, Jennifer’s notification sound goes off again, logging off the internet. He switches over to her conversation to read the messages he missed. 

p3pp3r: gotta go, see u tomorrow, mi!

*p3pper logged off*

Milo logs off the computer for the night, and lets out a deep breath.

Milo: Here’s to sophomore year.

The Something Series: 뭔가 다른 것

The First Moment of Something Beautiful: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

Grace winced, adjusting her chest as she fed Maki. It was such a surreal moment to see; a mother feed her newborn baby with what she produced in her body. 

“Easy there, baby,” Grace adjusted Maki along her chest. Seeing Maki become milk drunk was the cutest thing ever. Seeing Grace just breast feeding Maki was a beautiful, yet surreal sight. 

“Maki likes what her eomma has,” I commented, watching Maki continue to eat. Grace and I were glad to finally have the time where we are both well rested while Maki was also awake. 

I couldn’t stop staring at Maki. “Is Willow still coming tonight with your parents?”

“They’re on their way to get her from Max’s place,” Grace answered, cleaning Maki’s face. “I told them tomorrow would be better.” I nodded my head, mind empty with nothing but Maki. Grace stares at me intently. “She already has the strings to your heart, huh?” 

“Maki-ya,” I cooed at Maki, smiling ear to ear. Maki had just finished eating as her attention immediately went into me. Her eyes were big and brown; looking at the world for the first time. She also has the chubbiest cheeks, which makes it impossible for me to not pinch them.

I leaned forward to pick her up from Grace, allowing her to tie her blouse closed and clean up after Maki. Maki was already such a good baby. 

Moments after, the nurse comes into the room with some documents on a clipboard. I let out a deep breath, knowing what this was.

“Hi, good evening; how are you feeling, mom?” The nurse walked over to Grace, checking the machines. 

“I’m alright; tired,” Grace said, leaning her head back on the bed. “Sore.” Grace gently held up her boob, showing the nurse. “She’s really been tugging at it, am I not producing enough for her?”

“Probably not as fast as she wants it,” the nurse smiled, looking at me now. “I see Dad is holding her as mom takes a break.” I rocked Maki in my arms, watching my baby girl slowly get sleepy.

The nurse walked back to the computer, entering in a couple of details. “Do we have a name for her yet, parents?” 

“We do,” Grace answered, looking at my direction. 

“Her first name is Maki. M-A-K-I,” I said out loud, looking down at the little angel. “Her last name is Kim, K-I-M.

“Maki Kim,” the doctor repeated, typing her name onto the computer. “Any middle name?”

“No, but she will have two names. One in Korean, one in English. Her Korean name is Kim Ma-ki, her English name is Maggie Maree Kim.” I looked over at Grace, who is smiling back at me. Grace had mentioned she wanted to give Maki an English, middle name.

“Maree,” she said, finally placing baby clothing in Maki’s dresser. “I just always liked the middle name ‘Maree’.”

“Maggie Maree, your room better be clean before I get up there!” I role played, imagining conversations with Maki when she gets older. Grace giggled before kissing me on the cheek.

“She’ll know I’m serious if I’m calling her by her English name,” I commented. 

“Maggie Maree Kim; it has a ring to it,” Grace said as she continued folding baby clothes. I walked up behind her and kissed her on the cheek.

“The same cadence as ‘Grace Renee Kim’.” I wrapped my arms around her, getting in a gentle rub of her belly. 

“Got it,” the nurse typed on the computer. “First, middle, and last name of mom?”

“Grace Renee Ashmore,” Grace said. 

“Okay, and the first, middle, and last name of dad,” the nurse said looking at me. 

“Kim Jae-min,” I said proudly. Aigoo, I’m actually a father.

“Okay, we’re gonna go ahead and print out her birth certificate for you to sign shortly.” The nurse got off and smiled at us before leaving the room. It wasn’t even minutes later until Grace’s phone rings. It’s Skylar looking to FaceTime with her cousin. 

Grace picked up the phone, holding in front of her. “Hey, Sky—“

“Where is my baby? Why isn’t she there with you?” Skylar immediately asked. Grace turned the phone toward me. I could immediately hear Sky squeal at the other end of the phone.

“Look at the baby!” Skylar cooed at the screen. “Shawn! Jamie’s holding the baby!” I felt my face getting hot, about to have my best friend see me holding my daughter for the first time. 

“Hyung!” Shawn shouted out through the phone. “That’s your baby!” 

“Hi, guys,” I waved at the camera using one of Maki’s balled up fists. Shawn and Skylar are going crazy.

“She is so cute and chunky,” Skylar began to say. “God, she could be your twin, Jamie.” I felt my face getting hot and flustered. I scooted my chair next to Grace’s bed, giving her back Maki as I take the phone. 

“How’s the family doing?” I asked.

“Aunt Mollie and Uncle Weston are still here with your parents,” Skylar answered. “Shawn said your mom is really loving the hospitality. Your mom was so excited for you.” It made me feel good inside having my mother celebrate a new life into the family: the only son’s first born. And she’s my daughter? She might as well wear a crown and call her Princess Maki. 

“When we are able to bring Maki home, we’re going to have the family come see her.” Grace smiled at me, then looked down at a sleepy Maki. “Right now, we’re enjoying her for ourselves.”

“I agree,” Shawn stated before looking through the phone screen. “Hyung, I guess I’m the last one standing with no kids! Sky, you wanna change that?”

“Don’t even,” Skylar backs him up, bringing him back to reality.

“I’m just saying, Skylar; you put one of these in Shawn’s arms, he will forever worship the ground you walk on.” I was excited to see if Skylar will let Shawn get his baby. Something tells me he’s not that too far off cracking the code. “Just ask Grace.”

Grace waved her hand away, dismissing the conversation. She was simply distracted with Maki in her arms being super active. Something I’ve noticed about Maki is how much she loves being in her mom’s company. At times, I admit it makes me jealous.

“Try talking her into it,” Shawn scoffed. I couldn’t help but smile at their young love. 

“Anyway, we’re gonna let you enjoy your alone time with Maki,” Skylar begins to say. “Tell her Auntie Sky loves her!

“And Uncle Shawn!” I hear Shawn yell in the back. I hung up the call and placed Grace’s phone down on the end table. Maki is cooing and making all of the cute baby noises as she lays in Grace’s arms. It boggles my mind when Grace tries to convince me she doesn’t know what she’s doing as a mom. She’s literally a natural with Maki.

…

Grace was served dinner for the night, so I decided to have a celebratory date night with Grace in the hospital room. The lights were already dim in her room, and Maki was now in the nursery with all the other newborn babies.

I sat at Grace’s bedside, eating a deli sandwich and an iced americano from Bernie’s cafe. Of course, I went ahead and bought Grace a small coffee; one of the many things she had on her list to get after Maki was born. 

“Babe, you could’ve went home and showered before getting dinner you know,” Grace said, eating her dinner. 

“What? Do I smell?”

“No, no—“

“I mean I know yesterday was like the hottest day of the season, but I didn’t think I have body odor like that—“

“Jamie,” Grace grasped my attention by clapping her hands in front of my face. “Something tells me you’re also super sleep deprived.”

“Takes one to know one,” I teased, eating my sandwich. Grace shook her head knowing this was a losing battle on her side. “I’m just getting used to the bags under my eyes for the next couple of months.”

“You think you’re ready for those nights?” Grace teased. “Willow was such a nocturnal baby. It was like she slept through the day and as soon as it was midnight, she had all of the energy in the world.” I remember first meeting Willow in a baby stroller. She was a couple of months old when I did, but even then I remember a ton of our days in the cafe with Willow sleeping soundly in her stroller.

“We might just have to run on Korea time,” I suggested.

“Gosh, that jet lag was insane,” Grace commented as she ate her food. “And to even think about being on a plane with two kids is–“

“Oh?” I quickly reacted. “Are we making family vacation plans already?” Grace rolled her eyes as she smiled at me.

“When I’m okay to fly and when Maki is a bit older,” Grace answered. “I already told Maki all of this–“

“You’re having secret conversations with her already?” I continued to tease, feeling happy that Grace already has this special bond with Maki. I had told her numerous times that she was going to be great with her.

“I’ve been having conversations with her,” Grace corrected with a sullen look on her face. “I’m going to miss randomly talking to Maki when I carried her around with me.” I listened to Grace talk, getting a glimpse of what the initial couple of weeks will look like for Grace and I. We’re both already so sleep deprived, unkempt, and Grace is already getting separation anxiety from Maki. I hope that this anxiety is only temporary for Grace.

I placed my hand over her thigh, rubbing the fabric of the blanket against her skin. “You can still talk to her anytime you want, jagiya. She’s here to talk to.” Grace tightly smiled as tears fell down her cheeks. I could tell how much this moment meant for Grace, but also had this sense of worry that her past will cloud her judgement. It’s something I worried about throughout Grace’s pregnancy, but never brought up to speak about.

Grace sighed as she leaned her head back on the pillow, looking at me. I smiled back at her. “What?”

“Nothing,” I said, readjusting in my chair. “I just can’t believe she’s actually here.”

…

The doorbell rings as I ran across the apartment packing the things that Grace requested to bring back to the hospital. My feet slid across the smooth floor, opening the front door. Max and Willow stand there.

“Hey man,” I greeted Max with a fist pound. Willow ran into the apartment, looking around as if she was searching for something.

“Where’s my baby sister?” Willow asked us.

“She’s at the hospital with your mama, Willow Bean,” I answered. I take the tiny suitcase of Willow’s things from Max. “Thanks for bringing Willow down here; I would’ve came up there myself, but–“

“You just had a baby,” he solidified. “You have a lot going on so it was only right to bring Willow down.” I looked at Max, remembering the first time I had met him was in this very apartment, holding a baby Willow in my arms. At first, he wasn’t fond of me being around his young daughter, which was understandable considering the circumstances at the time. I was glad that he became more accepting the more serious things got between Grace and I. Willow may not be my biological daughter, but she had taught me things that I didn’t expect would be useful until Maki came along.

Willow went running in her room. “Wait! I have to give Maki her present!” She slammed the door shut behind her. Singalong toys and plushies were heard being tossed around.

“Present?” Max asked.

“Willow and I did birthday gift shopping,” I started to explain, feeling embarrassed. “I had told her that whatever day Maki is born will be her birthday, and she insisted getting her a birthday present.” Max chuckled as he nodded his head.

“Yep, sounds a lot like Willow,” he added on. “I hope she didn’t cause any trouble–“

“No, no,” I waved off. “She’s always great.” Silence then filled the room as Max and I awkwardly stood in the middle of the apartment.

“I just want you to know that fatherhood changes your life,” Max began to say. I was confused, wondering where this was stemming from. “You think you want one thing for your life and then the next you have a kid that literally becomes your whole life.” I nodded my head, not wanting to interrupt him. “Willow was the reason why I left the firm.”

“Was it a hard decision to make once she came?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“Definitely. I worked hard to get into that firm, and our intern case was brutal; but something about seeing Willow for the first time made me realize all of that didn’t mattered. Willow did.” I listened to Max’s words, a bit surprised that leaving the firm wasn’t as easy of a decision that Grace had made it to be. As a man, I can understand that want to be a provider and also be a present father. Being a lawyer meant you couldn’t be both. Grace had proved that to him early on. I want to let Grace know that it was okay to be both.

Before I was able to get deeper in thought, Willow runs out of her room with a tiny rattling baby toy.

“I don’t know how to wrap presents,” Willie said in a defeatist tone.

“It’s okay; Maki doesn’t know how to open presents yet,” I reassured her. I looked at Max who I caught smiling at both Willow and me’s banter.

“Say hi to your baby sister for me, Willow,” Max kneeled down before his daughter to say goodbye. She hugged him tight before giving him a kiss on the cheek. I couldn’t wait until Maki was old enough to do that, but then again I was perfectly fine with her being just a cute baby for now.

…

The nurse walks us to Grace’s room, smiling before she turned around to face us.

“The last I checked, mom was breast feeding,” she began to say. “Considering she’s been experiencing breast pain as she feeds Maki, we recommend that she take a couple of hours a day to pump milk.” I nodded my head, convincing myself I was going to remember all of this information right before a pivotal moment of Willow’s life.

“Thank you,” I said to the nurse. She smiled and walked away from the room, leaving just Willow and me.

“You ready, Willow Bean?” I said, about to turn the doorknob. When I don’t hear an answer back from her, I turned around to face her. It was then that I saw Willow seeming a bit nervous. “Willow?”

“What if she cries when she seems me? What if she doesn’t like me?” Willow shyly asked. I kneeled down to her level, knowing this was one serious conversation of many to come in the future. It was my responsibility to make sure that Willow felt as comfortable as possible in this situation. Willow was just as much of a daughter to me as Maki is, and I wanted her to know that going into this room.

“Maki just has to get to know you. Once she does, you’re going to be her favorite person.”

“Really?” Willow asked. I nodded my head, smiling at her.

“Yep, because you are her sister, and sisters always have a special bond.” Willow let out a deep breath, looking at the toy in her hand.

“Okay,” she finally said, now more confident. “I hope she’s ready to meet me.” Her willingness to try to do scary things is definitely something she picked up from Grace.

I stand back up and slowly open the door, peeking in. Grace looked up at me, smiling.

“Look who came to visit,” I playfully said, looking down at Willow. She nervously hid behind my legs, looking at her mom holding Maki.

“Hi, Willow,” Grace finally said with a huge smile on her face. “Come.” Willow slowly walked towards Grace’s bed, standing at the foot of it. Her eyes are glued on a cooing Maki.

I sat in the seat next to Grace, and picked up Willow to sit on my lap. She hid behind the toy in her hands, not really knowing what to do.

“It’s okay,” I reassured Willow. She slowly puts her hands down, leaning closer to her mother and Maki. Maki’s eyes are open wide as she looks back at Willow.

“This is Maki,” Grace introduced her to Willow.

“H-hi,” Willow nervously greeted. “I’m Willow, and your sister.” Maki cooed back, and moved her mouth what unseeingly looked like a smile. “I got you a present.” She shows Maki the little plush puppy with crinkly, floppy ears.

“Maki-ya, ige mwongayo,” I reacted, talking to Maki. “What is this? A puppy?” I looked up at Grace, happily observing this moment. I didn’t blame her, I wouldn’t want to miss such an important moment in our lives.

“Maki appreciates the gift, Willow,” Grace finally said, smiling at Willow. This was more something of my important moment in life.

Watching Grace still be present for Willow even in the midst of our lives changing was something inspiring. She doesn’t know just how good she is at balancing all the important parts of her life. It never had to be one or the other. It will never be how it once was ever again.

The Unwritten Pages.

Summertime Reminiscing: Written by Milo.

liz

It was the perfect weather for a beach day today, and I could tell Pep was excited too. We ended up buying some overpriced blanket on the boardwalk; Pep also decided to spontaneously buy a swimsuit while we were there too. That part of Pep never changed; being random and spontaneous and doing things the way she wanted to do them. In a sense, it was one of the things that made Pep who she was, and I guess me following along with her antics was something that never changed about me.

We find a place on the sand to lay the blanket down; not too close to the water, but just close enough to smell the salt water from the ocean.

“I’m gonna turn redder than a tomato out here,” Pep commented, putting her sunglasses on. “You just get more tan the longer you sit in the sun.”

“What can I say; I’m Filipino,” I smiled, watching Pep roll her eyes. I looked around the beach, noticing the different types of people on the beach today. There were families with young kids building sandcastles as their parents sat underneath their umbrella. There were teenagers throwing each other in the water, laughing and screaming as they did. There were your local beachgoers laying face down on their towels, deepening their already dark tan.

And then you had me and Pep, just two random adults that decided that we were going to go to the beach.

We finally got ourselves situated on the blanket, taking in the scenery.

“I haven’t been to the beach this entire summer,” Pep began the conversation.

“Really? I’m shocked,” I reacted, looking at her now.

“I didn’t live close enough to the water back in NC,” she explained, applying sunscreen on her arms. “Also, time flies by when you’re trying to get your shit together.”

“No lie there,” I said, looking out toward the water. I looked back at Pep, who was also looking out at the water. The slight breeze went through her hair, making her curls stick out in every possible direction. I remember when she used to hate wearing her hair curly.

She finally looked over at me. “What?”

“Nothing,” I begin to say, stretching out my legs. “I’m glad you’re able to get your beach time before the summer is over.”

“Personally, I’m not ready for the summer to be over,” Pep sighed as she said. “It’s like when it ends, life gets serious again.

“Now you sound like you’re a public school teacher,” I smiled as I teased her. She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“At least you know what you’re doing when the end of the summer comes. I’m here just twiddling my thumbs, wondering what my next move is going to be.” I looked at Pep intently, trying so hard to read her mind. Her next move? Was her coming back to New York just a stop on her travels?

“Well, what do you want to do?” I asked. Pep looked at me without saying anything. “Like, what is something that you want to do when the summer ends? Whatever that is, do it—”

“I don’t know, Mi,” Pep spat back, now seeming annoyed at the conversation.

“Why don’t you finish school?” I suggested, hoping that I didn’t cross any boundaries with her already. We just got on good terms.

“I don’t know—”

“Why not? Nothing is holding you back now from finishing grad school—”

“Holding me back now?” Pep repeated back. I shouldn’t have said it that way.

I took a deep breath, thinking about the words before I said them out loud. “I mean, you’re back home now and have the time to finish what you started back in—”

“Just stop talking, please?” Pep responded back. I didn’t say anything back, nervous that I just ruined her one beach day of the summer. Pep sighed, holding her knees up against her chest with her arms.

“I just feel like I’m stuck in time while the world keeps going,” she said, looking out to the ocean again. “Cullen died in May, and I’m still feeling like it all happened yesterday. I looked at Pep as she spoke, understanding where she was coming from. I knew what it felt like to be stuck in time, watching the world go by without a care in the world about what you’re going through. Imagine being 16 years old with your newborn son, mourning the loss of your girlfriend and mother of your child while learning what it was to be a dad still in high school.

“I don’t want this to sound cliche, but it gets better,” I finally said, hoping pep believed my words. “Time passes, and you will too once you’re ready.” I observed Pep, digging her nails into her legs, watching the gears in her brain tirelessly turn. “Is that why you were traveling the whole summer?”

She looked at me and nodded her head. “It was the only way to distract myself from the grief I was feeling, and going back home didn’t feel right yet.”

“Do you regret coming back?” I immediately let my intrusive thoughts win and ask the question. “Did you—”

“There’s reasons why I came back that I don’t feel comfortable sharing with you,” she confessed. Ouch. To hear that coming from the person you’ve known your entire life stings just a bit. I nodded my head, respecting her boundaries in this moment.

I sighed, now looking out toward the ocean. “Well, I’m glad you’re back.” Pep quickly turned her head to look at me, which prompted me to look at her. “And I hope that we can rebuild our friendship again, before life got serious.” Pep smiled, shaking her head playfully. She sighed as she finally got up from the blanket, reaching out for my hand.

“Come on.”

“What?” I said, now confused. Pep grabbed my hand and lifted me up from the ground. I forgot just how strong she was. She smiled up at me once I was on my feet, looking down at her.

“We came to the beach to have fun, and not take life too seriously,” she said, running towards the ocean water.

“Pep—” Before I could go after her, she ran into the water, splashing everything in her view. She turned around, waving her hand to come closer to her.

“Come on, scaredy cat!” Pep teased, kicking water in my direction. I stepped back, not wanting to get my clothes wet.

“Pep, I’m not wearing a swimsuit,” I began to reason with her. “We still have to hop on the subway and get back home after this.”

“You’re just afraid of the water,” She teased, smirking. “It used to take me pushing you into the water to finally get in it.”

“Yeah, well I’m an adult now—” Before I can even finish my sentence, Pep ran towards me, using all of her strength to pull me into the water. Instead of just walking into the water, I fell knees first into it.

“Pep!” I shouted, brushing my wet hair away with hands. All she did was playfully laugh. “Oh, that’s funny to you?” I said as I immediately splash water back at her. Pep gasped, looking at me.

“My hair!”

“My hair,” I mimicked, watching Pep look at me with a dumbfounded look on her face. “Don’t take life too serious, Pep.” She stared at me a little longer before she went in for the kill. She dunked my head into the ocean water; I quickly shot back up as she began to run away from me.

“Practice what you preach, Milo!” Pep said as she laughed, running away as I chased her. It wasn’t long until I grabbed her by the waist, tackling her into the wet sand. I looked down at her as she laughed, waving an imaginary white flag and surrendered. I couldn’t help but just look at her. This has been the closest we’ve been to each other for years.

I couldn’t help but take in her beauty. Her freckles always stood out the most during the summer; the sun loved her. And her smile, god her smile. I looked down at her as she looked up at me.

“I, uhm—”

“Oh my god, there’s a wave coming!” Pep said, looking out towards the ocean.

“Oh fuck!’ I quickly get up from Pep, pulling her arm to help her get up as well. We both run away from the ocean as the incoming wave splashed the back of our bodies. Pep laughed, putting her drenched hair up in a tiny ponytail.

“That would’ve been disastrous,” she commented, wrapping herself in the towel she bought. I smiled tightly, playing along with her.

“Super disastrous,” I added on, squeezing the excess water from my locs. Saved by the wave, Milo.

…

“Pep?” I answered the door, seeing her stand at my front door with a drenched umbrella. I could feel the summer humidity from the hallway creeping into the apartment. “What are you—”

“Since you never want to tell me how you really feel in person, I decided to save you the backstabbing texting and have you tell me straight up how you feel,” she immediately spat out. I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach.

“Pep, it’s 11:30 at night, and my son is asleep,” I scolded her, annoyed that she would show up, unannounced, ready to pick a fight. “And—”

“What? Don’t want your girlfriend to wake up to see who she chose to date?” Pep assumed. I scrunched my brow, feeling defensive now.

“You don’t even know what you’re talking about—”

“Just because you have commitment issues in your relationships doesn’t mean you can project them on mine with Cullen.”

“Commitment issues?”

“Yeah, you know the thing where you date all these different girls to fill the void that Gwen left behind when she died? That.” This wasn’t like Pep at all. Her eyes were dark and low; her pupils diluted.

“You’re drunk,” I concluded. “I don’t have time for this—”

“You’re jealous of Cullen and I. You’re jealous that I’m finally moving on with my life and getting married next year all while you’re stuck in your tiny apartment, wondering how the hell you’re gonna tell Marielle that you have to break up and make up some sob story that it isn’t her but you—”

“Yeah? You believe that?”

“I know it! That’s why you can’t stop talking shit about me with Danny, thinking you know me and Cullen’s relationship so well—” I grabbed Pep by the arm, pulling her into my apartment. I slammed the door behind her, pinning her against it. “Get the fuck off of me—”

“Let’s get a couple of things straight,” I began to say all in Pep’s face. “I don’t give a shit about your relationship with Cullen. As of matter of fact, I hope you soon realize that he’s marrying you not because he wants you to be his wife! He’s marrying you and taking you all the way to North Carolina so that you can tend to him every second of the day before he dies—” Before I could finish my sentence, Pep slaps me hard across the face.

I held my face, looking directly at Pep. She looks right back at me; I could see the tears form in her eyes, but her mouth beat her before she let out any type of sign she was hurt.

“You don’t love Marielle,” she simply spat back. “You never did. You never loved her, or Kennedy, or Diana. All you were trying to do was to see which one felt the most like Gwen! You didn’t want a girlfriend, you wanted someone for Milo to call mommy! Does Milo even know who his mother is? Has he even asked where the fuck she is?!”

“Fuck you, Pep!” I shouted, feeling the immense anger all in my body. It felt like I was talking to a shell of my best friend. It felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. This wasn’t the girl I called my best friend for 20 years; the one that helped me during the lowest point of my life when Milo was born and when Gwen passed away. The one that I told my deepest secrets to, the one I fought with out of love.

The one I’ve unconditionally loved through everything. She was gone. “Go home.”

“Fuck you, Milo. I can’t wait to get out of this fucking city and never have to fucking see your face ever again!” She turned around, twisting the doorknob to open the door. Without even looking back, she slammed the front door behind her. All I could do is stand there.

“Fuck!” I shot up from the couch, not realizing the TV was still on and that I fell asleep laying here. I looked around the apartment before catching my breath. I looked over at Milo’s bedroom door, which was closed.

I let out a deep sigh, getting up from the couch. I looked over to the front door of my apartment, remembering that night all too well.

Before entering my bed, I looked down at my phone for the time; it was 11:30 at night. I noticed a notification on the screen, seeing it was from Pep.

“Thanks for going to the beach with me today! It definitely felt like good times. <3” I smiled at the message, opting out to respond back to her due to the time. I placed my phone on the table next to my bed, turning the light off as I got into bed.

The Something Series: 뭔가 다른 것

Something Between Truth & Hope: A Jamie Monologue.

liz

When Grace had left to Italy to see her mother’s last performances, I severely had trouble sleeping. It was like I needed to know if she was doing okay being away from her family after so long. The last overseas trip she was on was for the Ulsan dance production, which was the year prior. 

One night, I had a dream about a little duckling swimming on top of the pond. I fed the duckling some bread, watching it shake out its tiny feathers and peck at the floating piece of bread. The duckling cutely quacks and spends the rest of the afternoon being my buddy at the pond. Every time I saw that duckling in my dream, I was stunned by its presence. It was like I wanted to always be there with the duckling, the same way it wants to always be near me at the pond. 

It wasn’t long after until Grace finally came home from Italy, finding out we were going to have a baby.

I rushed Grace in the hospital, pushing her on a wheelchair to the emergency room waiting area. In there were people of many ages, and I couldn’t help but feel like we were going to be waiting here for a while.

I walked up to the nurses counter, giving her a slight smile. “Hi, I… uhm—“ I can hear Grace groan in pain at the corner of the waiting room. People were beginning to look at her. 

“My wife, she’s in labor—“

“Sign in please,” the nurse dismissed me and said, shoving a clipboard of all of the prior sign-ins.

“No, no; she needs to see someone now,” I emphasized, trying to get the nurses attention. “Her contractions are minutes apart—“

“You and everyone else in the emergency room have to follow the protocol,” the nurse spat back at me. “It’s on a first come, first serve basis.”

“Oh my god, the baby’s coming,” Grace wailed out. I turned around and walked over to her, beginning to get anxious. “Please—“

“Okay, okay,” the nurse buzzed open the door. I quickly pushed Grace to it, waiting the door slam shut behind us.

“We’re gonna be fine, Grace; everything is going to be alright—“ I feel a tug on my shirt, looking down at Grace. She seems to not be in a panic like she was just moments ago. 

“You sometimes have to,” Grace mentioned. I scoffed, amazed at what Grace is capable of even in midst of being in labor. 

It wasn’t long after that Grace got into a room and hooked up on the various machines around her. The doctor had mentioned that Grace was about 6 centimeters diluted. 

It was getting to be the late hours of the day, which meant that the engagement party was about to end. Grace lay in the hospital bed, napping after taking medication to manage the contractions. I sat at the other end of the room, next to the window on a chair.

“She’s okay, they just gave her some pain medication and now she’s napping,”. I said softly over the phone. 

“She’s napping right now, Sky,” I heard Shawn say away from the phone. “That’s good to hear. Did they tell you when Maki is suppose to come?”

“Grace has to fully dilate before they can set her up to deliver,” I explained, taking a deep breath afterwards. “Was the party okay?”

“Yeah, most people started to leave, telling us to wish Grace to get well soon. It was only me, Sky, Kevin, JooAh, her family and your family.” I could hear Shawn sigh before he spoke again. “They were asking so many questions and Sky became overwhelmed and told the families the truth. It took forever to calm everyone down.” I shut my eyes right before sighing loudly. “I told everyone you will keep us posted if anything happens.” 

“Thanks, Shawn—“

“Are you not scared?” He randomly asked me. “You seem so calm for a person whose first born baby will be here soon.” 

“I know, but I promised Grace.”

“Promised what?” Shawn asked.

“That I would be there for her, no matter what.” I stood by my word seriously, especially the more I found myself falling more and more in love with her. I knew I was allowed to feel everything like a human too, but I have to be strong for Grace when she can’t. “Between you and me, Shawn, I’m super nervous. What if Maki doesn’t like me? What if I can’t stop her from crying? What good I am if I cannot be—“

“A father?” Shawn asked, finishing the sentence. “Hyung, I think Maki already knows you’re going to be an amazing father to her.”

I couldn’t help but ruminate every single doubt I have in my body. Will I ever be able to be the father that my father was? What would I do differently about the things I didn’t like my father doing? Will my children be proud calling me their dad?

“I hope she knows just how much I already love her,” I said out loud rather than to Shawn. I look at Grace, sleeping peacefully as the various machines steadily beep. I look at Grace’s belly, realizing Maki will no longer be what her mother carried around for the last 9 months. Maki is going to love Grace.

“I think she does,” Shawn said. “Keep us posted, and here’s an early congratulations from me.” I smiled before saying goodbye to Shawn, hanging up my phone. I slowly walked back toward Grace, sitting in the seat next to her bed. She seemed to have been awake for some time. 

“Jagiya, you should be resting,” I leaned forward and said. 

“I couldn’t stay asleep for too long, all I kept feeling were the butterflies in my stomach.” Hearing Grace say that made my heart melt. Grace loves Maki so much already.

“Maki’s saying she’s excited to meet you,” I smiled as I said, holding one of her hands on mine, rubbing her belly. Grace scoffed as she adjust herself.

“I think she’s more excited to meet you,” she confessed, directly looking at me. “She’s gonna like you more than me.”

“I don’t believe that,” I sternly said, not liking the way Grace meant with that. “Right now, you’re the only person she knows. She actually has to meet me. She’s all ready to meet the person that carried her all these months.” Grace’s heart monitor literally skipped a beat. 

I held out my hand, placing mine into hers before I slightly squeezed it. “I’m actually nervous to meet her for the first time.” I confessed. 

“Jamie,” Grace cooed, feeling sympathetic. “She’s so excited to meet you.”

“Did she tell you that?” I teased back as Grace playfully rolled her eyes. 

“She always reacts to the sound of your voice when you enter the room,” Grace looked at her belly, caressing it. She smiled as she looked up at me. “She knows who you are. She knows you’re her appa.” I could feel the butterflies in my stomach now. I said nothing but kiss the side of Grace’s belly; a one final goodbye before we meet again.

…

The duckling revisited me in my dream. It swam directly to me, quacking in excitement. I kneeled at the edge of the pond, observing the baby duckling. The duckling fought until its two flippers were strong enough to hold its weight out of the water. I placed my hand out as it jumped into it, quacking in excitement. 

The sound of Grace’s moaning woke me up. At first I didn’t know what was happening until I remembered where I was. I checked the time on my phone; it was 3 o’clock in the morning, June 4th.

“Jagiya?” I called out, still half asleep. I finally snapped out of it once I heard Grace moan out my name. “Grace?”

“Where’s the nurse?”she instantly asked. 

“I don’t know, I just woke up—“

“I need the nurse, I need more pain medicine,” Grace said before letting out the loudest wail I’ve ever heard from her. It wasn’t long until the nurse came into the room, reading the numbers on the monitor.”

“Tell the doc she’s 10 centimeters dilated,” the nurse says to the assistant next to her. The assistant leaves, and the nurse walked over to one of the cabinets, taking out a surgeons gown. 

“Change into this while I get mom situated,” the nurse said to me with a smile on her face. I walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I could hear Grace’s muffled screams. I let out a deep breath, looking at myself in the mirror. These are the final moments before forever entering fatherhood. 

I put the plastic gown over my head, tightening the rope around my waist. I put the surgical mask over my face and give myself one final look. 

It’s time.

I opened the bathroom door and walked back to where Grace was. She reached out for my hand, which I prematurely gave her. I did not realize how much strength Grace has.

“Fuck, fuck, fucking shit,” Grace commented through her recent contraction. Her grip made my hand turn a dark purple the way she was squeezing it. “Where… is the… pain medicine,” she asked, wincing in between. 

“We already explained that it cannot be administered during active labor—“

“And I said I don’t give a shi—“

“Grace,” I said, getting her attention. 

“I can’t do this,” she shook her head as she spoke to me. “I can’t, I can’t—“

“You’re doing so great,” I praised her, distracting her from the doctor and nurse prepping the delivery. “She’s so close to being here.”

“When is she gonna come?” Grace asked through her clenched teeth. 

“Any minute now, jagiya.” I pulled my mask down and gently kissed her on top of her head. We both looked down at where the doctor was,looking at Grace and I. 

“Mom is fully dilated, and baby is getting in birthing position. Okay mom, I’m going to have you begin pushing in a few minutes, okay? Dad, I’m going to need you to comfort her through it.” I pulled her hair away from her face, dabbing her with a towel. 

Grace screamed out in pain, throwing her head back after every push she made. 

“You’re going a great job, Grace,” I said to her, petting her head. Grace doesn’t say anything back, she starts to push when she hears the doctor telling her to push. I didn’t think someone can squeeze your hand into numbness. Grace screamed after every push, wincing in pain. 

“Okay, baby is almost here, I need the biggest pushes you can make!” The doctor said out loud. Grace pushed hard and screamed even harder. I screamed along with her, feeling her cripple my left hand in real time. 

“Grace,” I tried pleading with her, but it was no use. Grace wasn’t hearing anything I was saying at this point.

“Alright, one more big push,” the doctor said to Grace. “1, 2, 3; push!” Grace yelled out one final agonizing scream and pushed. Moments later, Grace gasps out loud before flopping back on the bed. 

All that filled in the delivery room was Maki’s first cry. 

I watched the doctor lift Maki in her hands before handing the baby over to Grace. Grace bawls out crying, holding Maki in her arms.

“Oh my god, Jamie,” she cried out, looking up at me. Maki settled down once she felt Grace’s skin. My heart felt so incredibly full in this moment. Grace looked down at Maki and cried so many happy tears. Hearing Grace cry after seeing Maki made me feel super emotional. 

I leaned in and kissed Grace’s forehead. “Jagiya, jeongmal manh-i salanghae,” I said to Grace before gluing my eyes onto Maki. My first born. My daughter.

…

Grace’s body immediately gave out once the nurse took Maki to wrap her in clothing. She seemed to be asleep so peacefully, as if her body gave all that it could to bring Maki in the world, and now its reward is a deep sleep.

The nurse entered the room with one of the newborn beds, bringing Maki in the room. I felt my heart flutter seeing her. 

“Ahh, mommy is still sleeping,” the nurse said to Maki. She looked up at me and smiled. “But daddy’s up to say hello.” She began lifting Maki from the bed, turning around to face me. “I think it would be best if you and Maki also have some skin time.” I immediately sat up from my seat, unbuttoning a couple of them on my shirt. The nurse unwrapped the cloth from Maki before handing her to me. My skin felt hot as soon as I felt Maki on my chest. 

“Maki,” I cooed her name, watching her tiny fingers explore along my chest. Aigoo, she is the cutest thing. “Maki-ya.” I smiled as she cooed on my chest. “Appa is so happy to finally meet you.”

She had a mixture of Grace’s auburn hue and my jet black hair.  She had such wavy hair; something she inherited from her eomma. It wasn’t until she slowly opened her eyes that I saw it. Maki had looked exactly like how I did when I was a baby. Her eye shape slightly resembled her Korean roots, mixed with Grace’s Italian-American roots. She was a beautiful blend of both her parents. 

“You know, I’ve dreamt about you for a long time,” I said to Maki as I held her on my chest. “I dreamt of this moment right here, holding you for the very first time. It was everything I dreamt of it being.” I smiled as I looked down on her, feeling her fall into slumber in my arms. “There’s so much I’ve dreamt about in life, but I never knew you would be one to come true.” Maki cooed, her tiny vibration of my voice warmed my body up. 

“Aigoo, you’re already so perfect,” I looked down at her. “You’re going to make it so hard for me to say no to you.” This type of love feels so different than love I felt for my family, for my friends, and even for Grace. I thought Grace had me wrapped around her finger for life, not realizing there will ever be a person above her to do that. Maki’s got me good, jagiya.