Category: The Something Series: 뭔가 다른 것

The first month after Maki was born felt something between one week and one year long.

Maki has such an addicting personality; she really takes after Grace. Her face says exactly what she wants to say and is super unapologetic for doing so. Maki was also a very calm baby throughout the day. She rarely cries, and if she does it’s because she wants Grace. The way that Maki always wanted Grace made me realize that Maki might just be a mama’s girl. I can’t lie, it sort of makes me really jealous of Grace.

While Maki has been the perfect baby during the day hours, she shows her true colors when the moon comes out, like a werewolf. 

I can just make out Maki’s cry over the baby monitor. When I hear her continued cry, I looked over at Grace, barely awake.

“Jagiya, it’s your turn,” I sleepy said. “Jagiya?” I opened my eyes when I didn’t hear Grace respond, and finally see why; Grace is passed out from exhaustion. I did feel bad for her; she has her hands busy all while still recovering from giving birth. I began to get out of bed, lowering the baby monitor before getting up to walk out our bedroom.

“Maki-ya,” I said as I walked into Willow and Maki’s shared room. I was thankful that Willow hasn’t been with us for the past couple of days; Max and Miriam took her to England for the very first time. Willow has had a lot of firsts in her little life in the span of a month too. I walked up to Maki’s bassinet, seeing the little bean scream out. “Yeobo, sweetheart.”

To my surprise, Maki begins to look up at me, seeming to stop crying as she does. I smile down at her, trying to comfort her. Even a month into fatherhood, I still can’t believe I am sitting in a rocking chair holding my daughter in my arms. 

I take her out of the room, and walk to the kitchen with Maki still in my arms. I turned the little light on from the oven, preparing to feed Maki. I was thankful when she actually took the bottle this time after nights of Maki wanting the real thing directly from the source.

“I know it’s not eomma, but I’m happy you’re here in my arms right now.” Maki continues to drink from the bottle, seeing her eyes get droopy by the minute. I couldn’t help but be smitten at the sight. 

“jollin agiguna,” I cooed, putting her on my shoulder to her burp. I found myself speaking in Korean a lot more, specifically to Maki. I didn’t mean to do that, but to me it was the most natural thing I can do as I spoke to my first born. She was Korean-American and it was important to me she knew both English and Korean. 

I gently pat her back, helping her burp up after her meal. This burp was a loud one; she very much enjoyed her late-night snack. 

“uwa, chaghan ai,” I said to her in Korean first. “Good girl, Maki!” I took one of her balled up fists and lift it up for her victory. She wasn’t amused; in fact, she rolled her eyes at me, already acting like a mini-Grace.

“You know, eomma does that same thing you do,” I pointed out, knowing Maki was too young to actually have a conversation with me. “She rolls her eyes instead of just admitting just how funny I truly am.” Maki scrunches her face as if she was wondering what I was even saying to her. “Someday I’ll tell you my funniest of jokes; you’re going to love them.”

I walked her back to her room, watching her slowly drifting away to sleep. I placed her back into her bassinet, noticing just how tiny she looked in it. I still can’t believe you’re mine.

As I slowly closed Maki’s bedroom door, I turned around and noticed Grace standing there.

I held my chest with my hand. “Ya,” I began to say. “What are you doing snooping in the dark?”

“You did it again,” Grace commented. “Putting the alarm on high volume after hitting snooze.” Aigoo, I nearly scared Grace off the bed when it first happened. 

“Mianhae,” I said, apologizing to Grace. “You could’ve came into Maki’s room.”

“And scared you while you have her in your arms? No way,” Grace spat back, letting out a deep sigh. I could see how tired she was standing there. “Is she okay though? Did she eat what was in the bottle? Does she—“

“Jagiya,” I stopped her spiraling with a smile. “Yes, she took the bottle. She went straight to sleep.” It took some time for the worry to fade from Grace’s face. One thing I’ve noticed about Grace since Maki’s arrival was that she was way more maternal than she believed. She was truly a mama bear, overprotective of her baby cub. She was even sometimes overprotective of Maki with me. 

“You know how fussy she can be,” Grace said, walking towards the kitchen counter. She opens the fridge and takes out the regular milk and cold brew. Grace was never a cold brew coffee type of person, but she realized that a cold brew with milk was way faster than brewing a cup of coffee. It helped on the mornings that Maki was wide awake with us, wanting her eomma to hold her. 

I sat across from her on the island, watching her pour her cup of coffee and my cup. She took out the cold foam and poured into my cup; a more recent discover of my liking. Maybe I needed the sugar rush to keep up with Maki and Grace at the same time.

“So,” I began the conversation. “You just so happen to wake up after I got up for Maki.”

“I couldn’t help myself,” Grace responded, swirling her coffee in her cup. “I heard you in her room through the baby monitor. I didn’t want to disrupt you and Maki time.” 

Me and Maki time. “I was glad she was okay with me getting her.” Grace sighed as she looked at me. 

“You’re her father—“

“She prefers you, jagiya,” I said, accepting it as truth. “You’ve casted a spell on her or something.”

Grace couldn’t help but laugh, leaning in to ruffle my hair like a golden retriever. 

“She can sense that you’re nervous around her still,” Grace confessed. I shook my head, clearly caught off-guard and confused. 

“I’m not nervous around my daughter,” I scoffed, folding my arms along my chest. 

“You immediately get nervous when she cries in your arms for more than 5 seconds,” Grace emphasized. “I’m not judging you—“

“Excuse me for this being my first time,” I said, half jokingly.

“I just don’t want you to feel like she has a preference of parent. You’re just not showing her your true self just yet.” I was skeptical of Grace’s reasoning. The girl has been on this earth for a month and I’m not being myself? 

“And you think she can sense that?” I asked, playing along. Grace confidently nodded back.

“She can sense your tension. Once she feels like you’ve loosen up, she will melt in your arms.” Grace held my face with her hands, puffing up my cheeks. “She is going to love you so much, Jamie.”

…

I sat on the couch with Maki in my arms, feeding her out from the bottle. Grace was busy getting ready for a girl’s night out with her, Sky, Maurice, and Aimee. I encouraged her to go; it’s the least that Grace can do to get some time for herself.

She walked out the bedroom wearing a spaghetti-strapped satin dress with her sneakers. She anxiously looked around the kitchen as if she lost something.

She let out a deep breath. “There should be enough bottles for Maki to last her the night.”

“Got it.”

“And make sure you clean her bum with some powder; but not that chalky white one because it breaks her out.”

“Understood—”

“And—”

“jayiga,” I stopped Grace in her tracks, getting up from the couch. “Maki is going to be fine. You have nothing to worry about.” I kissed her forehead for final reassurance. “Go have fun with your friends. You deserve it.”

Grace smiled at me before kissing Maki on the top of head. “Be a good girl for appa, okay baby?” Maki cooed loudly at her mother, putting the biggest smile on Grace’s face. She looked at me one final time before leaving out the front door.

“Oh! And–“

“Ya,” I smiled as I said. Grace playfully rolled her eyes and leaned in for a kiss. She smiled at me afterwards.

“Have a good time tonight with Maki,” she finished her sentence. She walked away from the apartment as I closed the door with my free hand.

“Alright, Maki; what’s gonna be in store for us today?” I said, smiling down at her.

…

It had only been two hours, and Maki has not stopped crying for at least one of them. Toys were scattered around the apartment, and every baby gadget that we got doesn’t seem to be working.

I placed her down in her little rocker as she looked up at me with tears in her eyes. I sat across from her, finally getting off my feet for the first time tonight.

“Maki-ya,” I said as I rubbed my eyes with my hands. “museun il-ieyo? What’s wrong, sweetheart?” In this moment, I wish Maki was old enough to verbally tell me what it was that she wanted because this guessing game with her as been a complete failure.

She continues to cry as the rocker sways side to side. Thankfully, the doorbell rang just in time. I picked Maki up from the rocker and walked to the door.

“Thank god,” I reacted seeing Shawn standing there. I invited him inside, closing the door behind him. He looks at Maki as she looks at him with a wet face as she momentarily stopped crying.

“Hi, Maki!” Shawn said in his squeaky baby voice, which prompted Maki to cry once again. Shawn looked up at me, now nervous.

“She’s been crying for an hour, Shawn,” I finally explain, rocking Maki in my arms. “I don’t know what else to do.”

“Did you call Grace?” he asked. I shook my head no. “Hyung,” Shawn crossed his arms along his chest.

“I don’t want to ruin her night out. She deserves some time for herself,” I answered back, looking down at Maki. “She’s never cried for this long, Shawn; what do I do?”

“You’re asking me?” Shawn asked, shocked. He’s right about that at least. I sat on the sofa with Maki on my lap now. I tried giving her a pacifier one last time before I ditched the whole thing. Thankfully, she took it just for a couple of minutes, just enough to get myself together.

“Is this your first time looking after Maki without Grace?” Shawn asked me.

I scoffed before I said anything. “Do you know how long it took Grace to actually decide to go out tonight? She’s practically glued herself to Maki.” I reflected back on the month since bringing Maki home, noting that Grace was by Maki’s side 24/7. Maybe Maki is having some separation anxiety; I assumed it would be Grace that would.

“Maybe Maki thinks Grace isn’t coming back, kind of like a cat or dog,” Shawn said. I looked at him with a perplexed look, which made him continue on his tangent. “Like, when a pet owner leaves for a day, it’s common that they cry out for them because they think they are being abandoned.”

“Is that suppose to put me at ease?”

“Maybe it also works for babies.” Shawn really wanted to be right about this. “You just have to show her that you’re just as good as Grace.” Maki spat out the pacifier and started crying again.

“What? Are you also going to tell me that I need to be myself around her?” I asked, softly bouncing her on my leg. Shawn got up from where he was sitting, offering to hold Maki. I transferred her from my arms into his. Grace would have my head on a platter if she knew Shawn is holding Maki without her or Sky around for supervision purposes.

As soon as Shawn sets Maki in his arms, she immediately stops crying. She just looks up at Shawn as if she just wasn’t crying at the top of her lungs.

“Hi, Maki!” Shawn said. This girl has no emotion on her face. Shawn continued to smile down at her. “I don’t know if I should stop smiling or if it’s keeping her from crying.”

I couldn’t help but sit back down on the sofa, defeated. Shawn finally looked over at me.

“That’s just great. I can’t even get my own daughter to stop crying,” I said, feeling frustrated.

“Hajima,” Shawn scolded. Before I reminded him of his honorifics, he shook his head. “Don’t, especially in front of Maki.” I looked at Maki, staring intently at Shawn as he spoke.

This is the part of fatherhood that they don’t teach you. The absolute guilt you feel when everything you do still doesn’t ease your baby. The sinking feeling of your heart when they look at you and still cry. It was a sight and a feeling that I hate, and wish I could get rid of already.

“Maybe you’re taking it too serious, Hyung,” Shawn suggested.

“Too serious? To Maki, it is serious if she’s crying—”

“You just have to be yourself,” he answered back. I scoffed. Not this again. “She could probably sense your nervous energy, making her feel nervous. You know babies have a sixth sense like that.”

“I’ve taken care of my nieces just fine—”

“But this is your daughter. Half of her DNA is yours; she knows how nervous you are.” Maki makes a sudden movement in Shawn’s arms, cooing as she looked over at me. “Once you show her who you really are, she’ll be fine.” Shawn gets up from his seat, handing Maki back to me. Thank goodness she didn’t start crying… yet.

…

The couple of hours that Maki has been asleep were peaceful until they weren’t. She woke up, screaming for her bottle by the end of the night.

I walked into her room with her bottle in hand, placing it on top of the changing table as I picked her up from her bassinet.

“I know, I know,” I reassured her as I placed her in my arms. Normally, she would willingly take her bottle if Grace wasn’t around. Maybe she can sense your nervousness, Hyung. Great, now I have Shawn’s thoughts inside my own inner thoughts.

Maki cried and cried; nothing seemed to be working. I was getting this gut feeling that maybe, just maybe, she just didn’t like me. Maybe she preferred Grace over me. Aigoo, even thinking that is breaking my heart.

She’s going to love you so much: Grace’s words from earlier today make it worth at least try to help soothe our child.

“Maki-ya,” I said, sitting down in the rocking chair. I tried giving her bottle once more time before I finally caved in and called Grace. You got this, Jamie. I let out a deep breath, then looked down at Maki. “halemoni used to sing this to me as a baby; I think you’ll like it a lot.” Without seeking Maki’s reassurance, I began to sing jaljara uri aga, or “Hush Hush, our Baby”.

At first, Maki hated it. It was like she wanted to see who can scream louder at this time of night. Instead of letting her get her way, I tried to refocus her direction on me as I rocked her in my. “Maki-ya.” She looked up at me for a brief moment, locking in her big, brown eyes on me. I continued to sing softly to her: A baby more beautiful than the moon, a baby more beautiful than the stars; Hush hush our baby, our baby sleeps so well. The longer I sang to her, the more calm she became. She couldn’t stop staring up at me as her eyes slowly began to close.

“dalbodado goun aga, byul bodado bitnan aga; jajang jajang uri aga, jaldo janda uri aga,” I finished the song in Korean, seeing her finally drift to sleep in my arms. Did I get crack the code? Did I successfully look after my daughter while her mother was away? I knew I should’ve put Maki back in her bassinet as soon as she fell asleep, but I was stuck to the rocking chair, stuck to Maki for the rest of my life.

…

“Jamie?” I heard a woman’s voice, thinking it was just a dream I was having. It wasn’t until I left something on my shoulder that finally woke me up from my sleep.

“Grace?” I said in a sleepy voice. I rubbed my eyes as they opened to see Grace standing there. “Jagiya.“

“Bed’s too comfortable for you?” Grace teased as she sat down next to me. I shook my head, smirking as my response.

“Can’t sleep in our bed without the other part of our,” I teased back, finally awake and aware of everything. I quickly turned my head towards Maki’s bedroom. “She’s still sleeping, right?”

Grace nodded her head. “I peeked in there and she’s out like a light. You must’ve really tired her out, huh?”

“She almost won tonight,” I said, leaning my head back on the sofa, looking over at Grace. “But in the end, appa got through the battle cries.”

Grace shook her head as she laughed. “Yeah? What’d you do?”

“A magician never reveals his magic tricks,” I teased Grace. She rolled her eyes as she smiled at me. I couldn’t help but smile back.

Grace winced, adjusting her chest as she fed Maki. It was such a surreal moment to see; a mother feed her newborn baby with what she produced in her body. 

“Easy there, baby,” Grace adjusted Maki along her chest. Seeing Maki become milk drunk was the cutest thing ever. Seeing Grace just breast feeding Maki was a beautiful, yet surreal sight. 

“Maki likes what her eomma has,” I commented, watching Maki continue to eat. Grace and I were glad to finally have the time where we are both well rested while Maki was also awake. 

I couldn’t stop staring at Maki. “Is Willow still coming tonight with your parents?”

“They’re on their way to get her from Max’s place,” Grace answered, cleaning Maki’s face. “I told them tomorrow would be better.” I nodded my head, mind empty with nothing but Maki. Grace stares at me intently. “She already has the strings to your heart, huh?” 

“Maki-ya,” I cooed at Maki, smiling ear to ear. Maki had just finished eating as her attention immediately went into me. Her eyes were big and brown; looking at the world for the first time. She also has the chubbiest cheeks, which makes it impossible for me to not pinch them.

I leaned forward to pick her up from Grace, allowing her to tie her blouse closed and clean up after Maki. Maki was already such a good baby. 

Moments after, the nurse comes into the room with some documents on a clipboard. I let out a deep breath, knowing what this was.

“Hi, good evening; how are you feeling, mom?” The nurse walked over to Grace, checking the machines. 

“I’m alright; tired,” Grace said, leaning her head back on the bed. “Sore.” Grace gently held up her boob, showing the nurse. “She’s really been tugging at it, am I not producing enough for her?”

“Probably not as fast as she wants it,” the nurse smiled, looking at me now. “I see Dad is holding her as mom takes a break.” I rocked Maki in my arms, watching my baby girl slowly get sleepy.

The nurse walked back to the computer, entering in a couple of details. “Do we have a name for her yet, parents?” 

“We do,” Grace answered, looking at my direction. 

“Her first name is Maki. M-A-K-I,” I said out loud, looking down at the little angel. “Her last name is Kim, K-I-M.

“Maki Kim,” the doctor repeated, typing her name onto the computer. “Any middle name?”

“No, but she will have two names. One in Korean, one in English. Her Korean name is Kim Ma-ki, her English name is Maggie Maree Kim.” I looked over at Grace, who is smiling back at me. Grace had mentioned she wanted to give Maki an English, middle name.

“Maree,” she said, finally placing baby clothing in Maki’s dresser. “I just always liked the middle name ‘Maree’.”

“Maggie Maree, your room better be clean before I get up there!” I role played, imagining conversations with Maki when she gets older. Grace giggled before kissing me on the cheek.

“She’ll know I’m serious if I’m calling her by her English name,” I commented. 

“Maggie Maree Kim; it has a ring to it,” Grace said as she continued folding baby clothes. I walked up behind her and kissed her on the cheek.

“The same cadence as ‘Grace Renee Kim’.” I wrapped my arms around her, getting in a gentle rub of her belly. 

“Got it,” the nurse typed on the computer. “First, middle, and last name of mom?”

“Grace Renee Ashmore,” Grace said. 

“Okay, and the first, middle, and last name of dad,” the nurse said looking at me. 

“Kim Jae-min,” I said proudly. Aigoo, I’m actually a father.

“Okay, we’re gonna go ahead and print out her birth certificate for you to sign shortly.” The nurse got off and smiled at us before leaving the room. It wasn’t even minutes later until Grace’s phone rings. It’s Skylar looking to FaceTime with her cousin. 

Grace picked up the phone, holding in front of her. “Hey, Sky—“

“Where is my baby? Why isn’t she there with you?” Skylar immediately asked. Grace turned the phone toward me. I could immediately hear Sky squeal at the other end of the phone.

“Look at the baby!” Skylar cooed at the screen. “Shawn! Jamie’s holding the baby!” I felt my face getting hot, about to have my best friend see me holding my daughter for the first time. 

“Hyung!” Shawn shouted out through the phone. “That’s your baby!” 

“Hi, guys,” I waved at the camera using one of Maki’s balled up fists. Shawn and Skylar are going crazy.

“She is so cute and chunky,” Skylar began to say. “God, she could be your twin, Jamie.” I felt my face getting hot and flustered. I scooted my chair next to Grace’s bed, giving her back Maki as I take the phone. 

“How’s the family doing?” I asked.

“Aunt Mollie and Uncle Weston are still here with your parents,” Skylar answered. “Shawn said your mom is really loving the hospitality. Your mom was so excited for you.” It made me feel good inside having my mother celebrate a new life into the family: the only son’s first born. And she’s my daughter? She might as well wear a crown and call her Princess Maki. 

“When we are able to bring Maki home, we’re going to have the family come see her.” Grace smiled at me, then looked down at a sleepy Maki. “Right now, we’re enjoying her for ourselves.”

“I agree,” Shawn stated before looking through the phone screen. “Hyung, I guess I’m the last one standing with no kids! Sky, you wanna change that?”

“Don’t even,” Skylar backs him up, bringing him back to reality.

“I’m just saying, Skylar; you put one of these in Shawn’s arms, he will forever worship the ground you walk on.” I was excited to see if Skylar will let Shawn get his baby. Something tells me he’s not that too far off cracking the code. “Just ask Grace.”

Grace waved her hand away, dismissing the conversation. She was simply distracted with Maki in her arms being super active. Something I’ve noticed about Maki is how much she loves being in her mom’s company. At times, I admit it makes me jealous.

“Try talking her into it,” Shawn scoffed. I couldn’t help but smile at their young love. 

“Anyway, we’re gonna let you enjoy your alone time with Maki,” Skylar begins to say. “Tell her Auntie Sky loves her!

“And Uncle Shawn!” I hear Shawn yell in the back. I hung up the call and placed Grace’s phone down on the end table. Maki is cooing and making all of the cute baby noises as she lays in Grace’s arms. It boggles my mind when Grace tries to convince me she doesn’t know what she’s doing as a mom. She’s literally a natural with Maki.

…

Grace was served dinner for the night, so I decided to have a celebratory date night with Grace in the hospital room. The lights were already dim in her room, and Maki was now in the nursery with all the other newborn babies.

I sat at Grace’s bedside, eating a deli sandwich and an iced americano from Bernie’s cafe. Of course, I went ahead and bought Grace a small coffee; one of the many things she had on her list to get after Maki was born. 

“Babe, you could’ve went home and showered before getting dinner you know,” Grace said, eating her dinner. 

“What? Do I smell?”

“No, no—“

“I mean I know yesterday was like the hottest day of the season, but I didn’t think I have body odor like that—“

“Jamie,” Grace grasped my attention by clapping her hands in front of my face. “Something tells me you’re also super sleep deprived.”

“Takes one to know one,” I teased, eating my sandwich. Grace shook her head knowing this was a losing battle on her side. “I’m just getting used to the bags under my eyes for the next couple of months.”

“You think you’re ready for those nights?” Grace teased. “Willow was such a nocturnal baby. It was like she slept through the day and as soon as it was midnight, she had all of the energy in the world.” I remember first meeting Willow in a baby stroller. She was a couple of months old when I did, but even then I remember a ton of our days in the cafe with Willow sleeping soundly in her stroller.

“We might just have to run on Korea time,” I suggested.

“Gosh, that jet lag was insane,” Grace commented as she ate her food. “And to even think about being on a plane with two kids is–“

“Oh?” I quickly reacted. “Are we making family vacation plans already?” Grace rolled her eyes as she smiled at me.

“When I’m okay to fly and when Maki is a bit older,” Grace answered. “I already told Maki all of this–“

“You’re having secret conversations with her already?” I continued to tease, feeling happy that Grace already has this special bond with Maki. I had told her numerous times that she was going to be great with her.

“I’ve been having conversations with her,” Grace corrected with a sullen look on her face. “I’m going to miss randomly talking to Maki when I carried her around with me.” I listened to Grace talk, getting a glimpse of what the initial couple of weeks will look like for Grace and I. We’re both already so sleep deprived, unkempt, and Grace is already getting separation anxiety from Maki. I hope that this anxiety is only temporary for Grace.

I placed my hand over her thigh, rubbing the fabric of the blanket against her skin. “You can still talk to her anytime you want, jagiya. She’s here to talk to.” Grace tightly smiled as tears fell down her cheeks. I could tell how much this moment meant for Grace, but also had this sense of worry that her past will cloud her judgement. It’s something I worried about throughout Grace’s pregnancy, but never brought up to speak about.

Grace sighed as she leaned her head back on the pillow, looking at me. I smiled back at her. “What?”

“Nothing,” I said, readjusting in my chair. “I just can’t believe she’s actually here.”

…

The doorbell rings as I ran across the apartment packing the things that Grace requested to bring back to the hospital. My feet slid across the smooth floor, opening the front door. Max and Willow stand there.

“Hey man,” I greeted Max with a fist pound. Willow ran into the apartment, looking around as if she was searching for something.

“Where’s my baby sister?” Willow asked us.

“She’s at the hospital with your mama, Willow Bean,” I answered. I take the tiny suitcase of Willow’s things from Max. “Thanks for bringing Willow down here; I would’ve came up there myself, but–“

“You just had a baby,” he solidified. “You have a lot going on so it was only right to bring Willow down.” I looked at Max, remembering the first time I had met him was in this very apartment, holding a baby Willow in my arms. At first, he wasn’t fond of me being around his young daughter, which was understandable considering the circumstances at the time. I was glad that he became more accepting the more serious things got between Grace and I. Willow may not be my biological daughter, but she had taught me things that I didn’t expect would be useful until Maki came along.

Willow went running in her room. “Wait! I have to give Maki her present!” She slammed the door shut behind her. Singalong toys and plushies were heard being tossed around.

“Present?” Max asked.

“Willow and I did birthday gift shopping,” I started to explain, feeling embarrassed. “I had told her that whatever day Maki is born will be her birthday, and she insisted getting her a birthday present.” Max chuckled as he nodded his head.

“Yep, sounds a lot like Willow,” he added on. “I hope she didn’t cause any trouble–“

“No, no,” I waved off. “She’s always great.” Silence then filled the room as Max and I awkwardly stood in the middle of the apartment.

“I just want you to know that fatherhood changes your life,” Max began to say. I was confused, wondering where this was stemming from. “You think you want one thing for your life and then the next you have a kid that literally becomes your whole life.” I nodded my head, not wanting to interrupt him. “Willow was the reason why I left the firm.”

“Was it a hard decision to make once she came?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“Definitely. I worked hard to get into that firm, and our intern case was brutal; but something about seeing Willow for the first time made me realize all of that didn’t mattered. Willow did.” I listened to Max’s words, a bit surprised that leaving the firm wasn’t as easy of a decision that Grace had made it to be. As a man, I can understand that want to be a provider and also be a present father. Being a lawyer meant you couldn’t be both. Grace had proved that to him early on. I want to let Grace know that it was okay to be both.

Before I was able to get deeper in thought, Willow runs out of her room with a tiny rattling baby toy.

“I don’t know how to wrap presents,” Willie said in a defeatist tone.

“It’s okay; Maki doesn’t know how to open presents yet,” I reassured her. I looked at Max who I caught smiling at both Willow and me’s banter.

“Say hi to your baby sister for me, Willow,” Max kneeled down before his daughter to say goodbye. She hugged him tight before giving him a kiss on the cheek. I couldn’t wait until Maki was old enough to do that, but then again I was perfectly fine with her being just a cute baby for now.

…

The nurse walks us to Grace’s room, smiling before she turned around to face us.

“The last I checked, mom was breast feeding,” she began to say. “Considering she’s been experiencing breast pain as she feeds Maki, we recommend that she take a couple of hours a day to pump milk.” I nodded my head, convincing myself I was going to remember all of this information right before a pivotal moment of Willow’s life.

“Thank you,” I said to the nurse. She smiled and walked away from the room, leaving just Willow and me.

“You ready, Willow Bean?” I said, about to turn the doorknob. When I don’t hear an answer back from her, I turned around to face her. It was then that I saw Willow seeming a bit nervous. “Willow?”

“What if she cries when she seems me? What if she doesn’t like me?” Willow shyly asked. I kneeled down to her level, knowing this was one serious conversation of many to come in the future. It was my responsibility to make sure that Willow felt as comfortable as possible in this situation. Willow was just as much of a daughter to me as Maki is, and I wanted her to know that going into this room.

“Maki just has to get to know you. Once she does, you’re going to be her favorite person.”

“Really?” Willow asked. I nodded my head, smiling at her.

“Yep, because you are her sister, and sisters always have a special bond.” Willow let out a deep breath, looking at the toy in her hand.

“Okay,” she finally said, now more confident. “I hope she’s ready to meet me.” Her willingness to try to do scary things is definitely something she picked up from Grace.

I stand back up and slowly open the door, peeking in. Grace looked up at me, smiling.

“Look who came to visit,” I playfully said, looking down at Willow. She nervously hid behind my legs, looking at her mom holding Maki.

“Hi, Willow,” Grace finally said with a huge smile on her face. “Come.” Willow slowly walked towards Grace’s bed, standing at the foot of it. Her eyes are glued on a cooing Maki.

I sat in the seat next to Grace, and picked up Willow to sit on my lap. She hid behind the toy in her hands, not really knowing what to do.

“It’s okay,” I reassured Willow. She slowly puts her hands down, leaning closer to her mother and Maki. Maki’s eyes are open wide as she looks back at Willow.

“This is Maki,” Grace introduced her to Willow.

“H-hi,” Willow nervously greeted. “I’m Willow, and your sister.” Maki cooed back, and moved her mouth what unseeingly looked like a smile. “I got you a present.” She shows Maki the little plush puppy with crinkly, floppy ears.

“Maki-ya, ige mwongayo,” I reacted, talking to Maki. “What is this? A puppy?” I looked up at Grace, happily observing this moment. I didn’t blame her, I wouldn’t want to miss such an important moment in our lives.

“Maki appreciates the gift, Willow,” Grace finally said, smiling at Willow. This was more something of my important moment in life.

Watching Grace still be present for Willow even in the midst of our lives changing was something inspiring. She doesn’t know just how good she is at balancing all the important parts of her life. It never had to be one or the other. It will never be how it once was ever again.

When Grace had left to Italy to see her mother’s last performances, I severely had trouble sleeping. It was like I needed to know if she was doing okay being away from her family after so long. The last overseas trip she was on was for the Ulsan dance production, which was the year prior. 

One night, I had a dream about a little duckling swimming on top of the pond. I fed the duckling some bread, watching it shake out its tiny feathers and peck at the floating piece of bread. The duckling cutely quacks and spends the rest of the afternoon being my buddy at the pond. Every time I saw that duckling in my dream, I was stunned by its presence. It was like I wanted to always be there with the duckling, the same way it wants to always be near me at the pond. 

It wasn’t long after until Grace finally came home from Italy, finding out we were going to have a baby.

I rushed Grace in the hospital, pushing her on a wheelchair to the emergency room waiting area. In there were people of many ages, and I couldn’t help but feel like we were going to be waiting here for a while.

I walked up to the nurses counter, giving her a slight smile. “Hi, I… uhm—“ I can hear Grace groan in pain at the corner of the waiting room. People were beginning to look at her. 

“My wife, she’s in labor—“

“Sign in please,” the nurse dismissed me and said, shoving a clipboard of all of the prior sign-ins.

“No, no; she needs to see someone now,” I emphasized, trying to get the nurses attention. “Her contractions are minutes apart—“

“You and everyone else in the emergency room have to follow the protocol,” the nurse spat back at me. “It’s on a first come, first serve basis.”

“Oh my god, the baby’s coming,” Grace wailed out. I turned around and walked over to her, beginning to get anxious. “Please—“

“Okay, okay,” the nurse buzzed open the door. I quickly pushed Grace to it, waiting the door slam shut behind us.

“We’re gonna be fine, Grace; everything is going to be alright—“ I feel a tug on my shirt, looking down at Grace. She seems to not be in a panic like she was just moments ago. 

“You sometimes have to,” Grace mentioned. I scoffed, amazed at what Grace is capable of even in midst of being in labor. 

It wasn’t long after that Grace got into a room and hooked up on the various machines around her. The doctor had mentioned that Grace was about 6 centimeters diluted. 

It was getting to be the late hours of the day, which meant that the engagement party was about to end. Grace lay in the hospital bed, napping after taking medication to manage the contractions. I sat at the other end of the room, next to the window on a chair.

“She’s okay, they just gave her some pain medication and now she’s napping,”. I said softly over the phone. 

“She’s napping right now, Sky,” I heard Shawn say away from the phone. “That’s good to hear. Did they tell you when Maki is suppose to come?”

“Grace has to fully dilate before they can set her up to deliver,” I explained, taking a deep breath afterwards. “Was the party okay?”

“Yeah, most people started to leave, telling us to wish Grace to get well soon. It was only me, Sky, Kevin, JooAh, her family and your family.” I could hear Shawn sigh before he spoke again. “They were asking so many questions and Sky became overwhelmed and told the families the truth. It took forever to calm everyone down.” I shut my eyes right before sighing loudly. “I told everyone you will keep us posted if anything happens.” 

“Thanks, Shawn—“

“Are you not scared?” He randomly asked me. “You seem so calm for a person whose first born baby will be here soon.” 

“I know, but I promised Grace.”

“Promised what?” Shawn asked.

“That I would be there for her, no matter what.” I stood by my word seriously, especially the more I found myself falling more and more in love with her. I knew I was allowed to feel everything like a human too, but I have to be strong for Grace when she can’t. “Between you and me, Shawn, I’m super nervous. What if Maki doesn’t like me? What if I can’t stop her from crying? What good I am if I cannot be—“

“A father?” Shawn asked, finishing the sentence. “Hyung, I think Maki already knows you’re going to be an amazing father to her.”

I couldn’t help but ruminate every single doubt I have in my body. Will I ever be able to be the father that my father was? What would I do differently about the things I didn’t like my father doing? Will my children be proud calling me their dad?

“I hope she knows just how much I already love her,” I said out loud rather than to Shawn. I look at Grace, sleeping peacefully as the various machines steadily beep. I look at Grace’s belly, realizing Maki will no longer be what her mother carried around for the last 9 months. Maki is going to love Grace.

“I think she does,” Shawn said. “Keep us posted, and here’s an early congratulations from me.” I smiled before saying goodbye to Shawn, hanging up my phone. I slowly walked back toward Grace, sitting in the seat next to her bed. She seemed to have been awake for some time. 

“Jagiya, you should be resting,” I leaned forward and said. 

“I couldn’t stay asleep for too long, all I kept feeling were the butterflies in my stomach.” Hearing Grace say that made my heart melt. Grace loves Maki so much already.

“Maki’s saying she’s excited to meet you,” I smiled as I said, holding one of her hands on mine, rubbing her belly. Grace scoffed as she adjust herself.

“I think she’s more excited to meet you,” she confessed, directly looking at me. “She’s gonna like you more than me.”

“I don’t believe that,” I sternly said, not liking the way Grace meant with that. “Right now, you’re the only person she knows. She actually has to meet me. She’s all ready to meet the person that carried her all these months.” Grace’s heart monitor literally skipped a beat. 

I held out my hand, placing mine into hers before I slightly squeezed it. “I’m actually nervous to meet her for the first time.” I confessed. 

“Jamie,” Grace cooed, feeling sympathetic. “She’s so excited to meet you.”

“Did she tell you that?” I teased back as Grace playfully rolled her eyes. 

“She always reacts to the sound of your voice when you enter the room,” Grace looked at her belly, caressing it. She smiled as she looked up at me. “She knows who you are. She knows you’re her appa.” I could feel the butterflies in my stomach now. I said nothing but kiss the side of Grace’s belly; a one final goodbye before we meet again.

…

The duckling revisited me in my dream. It swam directly to me, quacking in excitement. I kneeled at the edge of the pond, observing the baby duckling. The duckling fought until its two flippers were strong enough to hold its weight out of the water. I placed my hand out as it jumped into it, quacking in excitement. 

The sound of Grace’s moaning woke me up. At first I didn’t know what was happening until I remembered where I was. I checked the time on my phone; it was 3 o’clock in the morning, June 4th.

“Jagiya?” I called out, still half asleep. I finally snapped out of it once I heard Grace moan out my name. “Grace?”

“Where’s the nurse?”she instantly asked. 

“I don’t know, I just woke up—“

“I need the nurse, I need more pain medicine,” Grace said before letting out the loudest wail I’ve ever heard from her. It wasn’t long until the nurse came into the room, reading the numbers on the monitor.”

“Tell the doc she’s 10 centimeters dilated,” the nurse says to the assistant next to her. The assistant leaves, and the nurse walked over to one of the cabinets, taking out a surgeons gown. 

“Change into this while I get mom situated,” the nurse said to me with a smile on her face. I walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I could hear Grace’s muffled screams. I let out a deep breath, looking at myself in the mirror. These are the final moments before forever entering fatherhood. 

I put the plastic gown over my head, tightening the rope around my waist. I put the surgical mask over my face and give myself one final look. 

It’s time.

I opened the bathroom door and walked back to where Grace was. She reached out for my hand, which I prematurely gave her. I did not realize how much strength Grace has.

“Fuck, fuck, fucking shit,” Grace commented through her recent contraction. Her grip made my hand turn a dark purple the way she was squeezing it. “Where… is the… pain medicine,” she asked, wincing in between. 

“We already explained that it cannot be administered during active labor—“

“And I said I don’t give a shi—“

“Grace,” I said, getting her attention. 

“I can’t do this,” she shook her head as she spoke to me. “I can’t, I can’t—“

“You’re doing so great,” I praised her, distracting her from the doctor and nurse prepping the delivery. “She’s so close to being here.”

“When is she gonna come?” Grace asked through her clenched teeth. 

“Any minute now, jagiya.” I pulled my mask down and gently kissed her on top of her head. We both looked down at where the doctor was,looking at Grace and I. 

“Mom is fully dilated, and baby is getting in birthing position. Okay mom, I’m going to have you begin pushing in a few minutes, okay? Dad, I’m going to need you to comfort her through it.” I pulled her hair away from her face, dabbing her with a towel. 

Grace screamed out in pain, throwing her head back after every push she made. 

“You’re going a great job, Grace,” I said to her, petting her head. Grace doesn’t say anything back, she starts to push when she hears the doctor telling her to push. I didn’t think someone can squeeze your hand into numbness. Grace screamed after every push, wincing in pain. 

“Okay, baby is almost here, I need the biggest pushes you can make!” The doctor said out loud. Grace pushed hard and screamed even harder. I screamed along with her, feeling her cripple my left hand in real time. 

“Grace,” I tried pleading with her, but it was no use. Grace wasn’t hearing anything I was saying at this point.

“Alright, one more big push,” the doctor said to Grace. “1, 2, 3; push!” Grace yelled out one final agonizing scream and pushed. Moments later, Grace gasps out loud before flopping back on the bed. 

All that filled in the delivery room was Maki’s first cry. 

I watched the doctor lift Maki in her hands before handing the baby over to Grace. Grace bawls out crying, holding Maki in her arms.

“Oh my god, Jamie,” she cried out, looking up at me. Maki settled down once she felt Grace’s skin. My heart felt so incredibly full in this moment. Grace looked down at Maki and cried so many happy tears. Hearing Grace cry after seeing Maki made me feel super emotional. 

I leaned in and kissed Grace’s forehead. “Jagiya, jeongmal manh-i salanghae,” I said to Grace before gluing my eyes onto Maki. My first born. My daughter.

…

Grace’s body immediately gave out once the nurse took Maki to wrap her in clothing. She seemed to be asleep so peacefully, as if her body gave all that it could to bring Maki in the world, and now its reward is a deep sleep.

The nurse entered the room with one of the newborn beds, bringing Maki in the room. I felt my heart flutter seeing her. 

“Ahh, mommy is still sleeping,” the nurse said to Maki. She looked up at me and smiled. “But daddy’s up to say hello.” She began lifting Maki from the bed, turning around to face me. “I think it would be best if you and Maki also have some skin time.” I immediately sat up from my seat, unbuttoning a couple of them on my shirt. The nurse unwrapped the cloth from Maki before handing her to me. My skin felt hot as soon as I felt Maki on my chest. 

“Maki,” I cooed her name, watching her tiny fingers explore along my chest. Aigoo, she is the cutest thing. “Maki-ya.” I smiled as she cooed on my chest. “Appa is so happy to finally meet you.”

She had a mixture of Grace’s auburn hue and my jet black hair.  She had such wavy hair; something she inherited from her eomma. It wasn’t until she slowly opened her eyes that I saw it. Maki had looked exactly like how I did when I was a baby. Her eye shape slightly resembled her Korean roots, mixed with Grace’s Italian-American roots. She was a beautiful blend of both her parents. 

“You know, I’ve dreamt about you for a long time,” I said to Maki as I held her on my chest. “I dreamt of this moment right here, holding you for the very first time. It was everything I dreamt of it being.” I smiled as I looked down on her, feeling her fall into slumber in my arms. “There’s so much I’ve dreamt about in life, but I never knew you would be one to come true.” Maki cooed, her tiny vibration of my voice warmed my body up. 

“Aigoo, you’re already so perfect,” I looked down at her. “You’re going to make it so hard for me to say no to you.” This type of love feels so different than love I felt for my family, for my friends, and even for Grace. I thought Grace had me wrapped around her finger for life, not realizing there will ever be a person above her to do that. Maki’s got me good, jagiya.

It was finally the morning of what would be one of the most important days of my life.

It was unseasonably warm for the beginning of June, so running around and putting the last minute things together at the Ashmore apartment definitely made us sweaty and tired. Even Grace, who’ve I told a million and one times already that she is to not lift a single box that is too heavy. I didn’t care if I caught her roll her eyes at me as I walked by, all that mattered was that I keep Grace from doing anything that would hurt her. 

I started to grow impatiently waiting for Maki’s arrival. Grace’s belly had stood up high, which my mother kept telling me that meant she was due any day now. It got harder for Grace to be mobile these days, so keeping her in her place for the sake of her possibly going into labor was something we needed to look out for. 

Grace groaned as she tilted her head back on me. I stood behind her with my arms wrapped around her belly, lifting some of the weight off of Grace. Maki was surely a healthy baby, considering she actually was a little on the heavier side.

“Man, I needed this,” Grace said as she closed her eyes. I looked down at her, smiling as I kissed her slightly sweaty forehead. “I can’t wait to feel this light again.”

“Soon, jagiya,” I said as I kissed her cheek. Grace finally stops leaning on me, holding her lower back once she turned her body to face me. 

“I love her, but she has overstayed her welcome,” Grace commented, crossing her arms along her chest. “Everything hurts, I’m emotional, I’m exhausted, and I have to stop being all of that for this engagement party tonight.” I looked around the apartment, watching everything being set up in their places. We were the only ones standing in the middle of the room. 

“I know, and it’s okay to need a break from everything.” It’s been a challenge to not only get Grace to relax, but to also listen to instructions she was given. “But we’re gonna have a great time with friends and family, all here to celebrate us.” Grace smiled at me before leaning into a kiss on the cheek, followed by caressing the spot. She looks deeps into my eyes, and I start to feel butterflies like it was the first time over and over again.

Before anything else could be said, a knock is heard at our front door, in which I walked over to answer. It was Shawn and Skylar, already dressed up with engagement gifts in their hand.

“Grace!” Sky excitedly said as she gave Grace a hug. “Oh my god, you’re so ready to pop.”

“Don’t even say that,” Grace nervously said, hitting Skylar on the arm. “That’s the last thing I need to happen today.”

“She’s suppose to come in June, meaning any day of the month,” Skylar said in a sarcastic tone. Grace rolled her eyes, wobbling for way to the table to straight out the tablecloth. 

“Hyung,” Shawn said as he walked toward me. “Grace looks… huge.”

“Ya, that’s how pregnant women look like,” I scolded Shawn, hoping Grace wasn’t around to have heard that. 

“No, I mean… you sure Maki’s suppose to come anytime this month? What if… today is that day of the month?” Shawn asked. I can’t lie, it was a worry I’ve had for the last week. As the week went on, I started to notice Grace grunt and groan more than usual when doing her normal routine. As much as I’m anticipating waiting for Maki’s birth, I don’t know if I’m ready yet for everything to happen. My daughter being born, to then make me a father, and Grace as my daughter’s mother happening all at once. Aigoo, I already feel lightheaded.

Skylar and Grace sat at the kitchen island putting decorations together. Mollie walks into the common room area, probably surprised to see this many people already in her house.

“Oh! Hi Sky! Hi Shawn,” Mollie greeted her niece and nephew-in-law. “God, you two look so good together. 

“Don’t give him a bigger head than he has, Aunt Mollie,” Skylar teased, ultimately kissing Shawn on the cheek afterwards. I see Weston coming into the room with a bunch of things needed for the party. I immediately run to help him out. 

“Here, I got this,” I said to Weston, grabbing the top two containers of things that he was carrying, I placed it down on the kitchen table. “Thank you again for letting Grace and I have the party here. I really can’t thank you enough.”

“Nonsense,” Weston brushed off. “She’s our daughter.” I looked at Weston, daydreaming of the day that Maki comes to me wanting a party of her own. She’s going to have the cutest birthday parties. “Speaking of Grace, how is she?”

“She’s hanging on hard,” I begin to say as I decorated the opening doorway leading into the apartment. “Maki is taking her time.”

“She’s just giving you and Grace time to be fully ready for her arrival,” Weston suggested, handing me the banner to hang up. “She knows today is all about her mom and dad.”

“I hope that’s her reason,” I nervously replied back, finally putting the last piece of tape at the end of the banner. It reads, “Congratulations to Jamie & Grace”. 

My family were the next ones to arrive, which made me even more nervous. They observed the apartment as they were walking in; thankfully, Shawn walked over to them, greeting them with Skylar and kept them company alongside Kevin and JooAh. It wasn’t long after that Weston and Mollie walked up to my mom, officially shaking hands as they meet for the first time. My mom has a huge smile on her face; I was glad to see that she liked Weston and Mollie. 

Everything was going as planned. Our friends and family intertwine for the first time, making this party feel incredibly real. Grace is my soon-to-be wife. Everyone was getting along, enjoying the party with the music and little dance floor in the middle of the Ashmore living room. 

It doesn’t take me long to realize that it’s been a while since I last saw Grace. I had let her in the hands of my sisters, which my sisters were now just talking to our mom. I searched the apartment to see if I could find Grace, and it wasn’t long that I noticed her figure outside of the balcony located in her parent’s bedroom.

“Jagiya?” I slid the balcony door open before calling out for Grace. She towards around to look at me before looking back out to the city, leaning on the balcony railing. “What are you doing out here?”

“I had to get away from the noise for a bit,” Grace sighed as she answered. She looked up at me. “I’m fine.”

“I wasn’t questioning that,” I mentioned, observing Grace’s body language. “Should I be concerned?”

“Jamie,” Grace sighed as she turned her body toward me. “I’m just feeling overwhelmed. I think Maki can sense it.” She rubs her belly in small circles, trying to self-soothe. Something doesn’t feel right.

“Is Maki giving you a hard time?”

Graces scoffs before she answers. “When hasn’t she been giving me a hard time—“

“Ya”, I reacted, not liking how she responded. “Maybe you should come inside, get some air or something. It’s too hot to be—“

“If you think you’re going to be the one calling the shots in this marriage, you are wrong,” Grace spat out. I was confused, not understanding where this was coming from.

“Really, Grace?” I deadpanned, not in the mood for her shenanigans today. 

“If I’m out here getting some air, let me get some air,” she turned around, now looking at me. “I have a ton of things on my mind and the last thing I need is you telling me what to do.” Before Grace can finish her train of thought, she winces in pain, holding the side of her belly. 

“Grace?” I said in a panic. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Grace said through her teeth, letting out one final deep breath. “I already told you I came out here for air. Maki has been going at it all day, which is annoying me—“

“Whoa, you’ve been feeling like this all day?” I started to out two-and-two together, hoping it wasn’t what I thought it was. “What if something is wrong with Maki?”

“Nothing… is wrong… with Maki,” Grace spat out through meditated breathing. The signs were all there, but it took me a moment to realize what was happening. I walked over to Grace, closing the gap in between us.

“Grace, I need you to be honest with me,” I said in a low voice, looking down at Grace. “Are you in labor?”

“No, no,” she waved the thought off. I wasn’t convinced.

“It’s okay if she decides to come today—“

“She’s not.”

“You don’t get to decide that.” I looked down at Grace, never taking my eyes off of her. After staring her down, her hard exterior begins to break down, and her panic starts to seep in.

“She can’t come today, it’s the engagement party,” she winced in pain, rubbing the side of her belly. “It’s too early for her to come—“

“We have to get you to the hospital,” I began to say, about to go back inside the apartment. 

“Jamie—“

“We can get there on time so that you’re situated in a room before she comes, and—“

“Jamie,” Grace finally gets close enough to grab me by the collar tightly. She leans forward in pain, all while trying to have control of the situation. “Do you hear yourself? We are in the middle of our engagement party.”

“If you’re in labor, Grace; you’re in labor. Maki has so sense of time to know what is going on right now.” I looked at Grace, who gradually begins to breathe in and out her nose, clearly having contractions. 

Grace squeezes her eyes shut to endure the pain of the current contraction, being exactly 7 minutes apart. Despite what was going on, one thing remained certain: Maki has chosen today to be the day. I grabbed Grace by the arm, helping her hold her balance. Nothing else mattered in this moment. Maki was coming.

“Let’s get you back inside—“

“I don’t want anyone to know,” Grace said in breathy words, walking toward the balcony door. “Everyone is going to freak out.”

“We have to tell someone what’s happening.” I sternly said. “We have to tell Shawn and Skylar.”

“They are the worst people to tell!” Grace cried out, trying to manage the pain. Grace finally sits down on the edge of the bed, rubbing her belly. I quickly opened the door of the bedroom, scanning the apartment for Shawn. Thankfully, where there’s food, there’s Shawn.

“Shawn,” I quietly said, trying to get his attention. “Shawn—“

“Hyung!” Shawn said loudly, causing some people to turn their heads.

“Ya, keep it down!” I whispered out loud. Shawn finally moved away from the food, towards the bedroom door.

“What’s going on?” Shawn finally asked.

“I need you to do me a huge favor,” I started to say, trying to remain as calm as possible.

“Mwo? What happened?”

“I need you and Skylar to host the night,” I said, looking directly at Shawn. “I have to take Grace to the hospital.”

“The hospital?!”

“Shhhh!” I spat back, seeing the people look around now. “You have to remain calm.”

“Did something happen?” Shawn asked.

I let out a deep breath before I spoke. “Grace is in labor.”

“Are you serious?!” Shawn said out loud. I tried my hardest to quiet him down, but unfortunately it was too late. I see Skylar look up at us, now walking toward our direction. Aigoo.

“What the hell is going on?” Skylar asked us, seeming annoyed at us. “Where is Grace? Her parents are—“

“She’s in labor,” Shawn nervously confessed. I wanted nothing more than to slap some sense into him. 

Skylar’s eyes widen. “What? Where is she—“ Before she could even finish her question, Grace is heard groaning and moaning in pain. Skylar looked at me before she barged into the bedroom.

“Sky,” Shawn tried to stop his wife. Me, Shawn and Skylar walked into the room as Grace was at the edge of the bed, hunched over.

“Grace?” Skylar ran over to her cousin, kneeling down in front of her. “Grace—“

“I told you tell them, not to bring them here!” Grace said out loud to me. She immediately winces in pain. her contractions are getting intense. 

“We need you to host the party for us. Don’t say anything to anyone,” I stated to both Shawn and Skylar. 

“Your parents, her parents—“ Skylar began to say to me.

“They will find out once Maki is born.” I give Shawn a stern look, needing this to be done. Shawn nodded his head, understanding what I was saying.

“People are going to start asking where you guys are,” Skylar debated with me as she fanned Grace with one of her mother’s magazines. 

“Tell them Grace wasn’t feeling good so I took her to urgent care,” I responded, needing this to be executed in the smoothest way possible. “Just please don’t tell anyone about Maki coming.” Skylar seemed perplexed, until she sighed and nodded her head.

I hear Grace loudly moan in pain, leaning back on the bed.

“Jamie,” Grace groaned out my name. I had to get her out of the bedroom without anyone seeing her. 

“Come on, jagiya,” I said to Grace, lifting her up with my arm. “Remember to breathe.” Grace looked at me, mimicking my breathing. I brushed away Grace’s hair away from her face, wiping the sweat off from her forehead. 

Shawn turns his body to face Skylar now. “Baby, I’m going to need you to act like we’re in an argument. Once everyone looks at us, Jamie will take Grace out to the front door.”

“Are you sure this is going to work?” Skylar said as Grace whaled out a painful moan. 

“It’s going to have to work,” Shawn reassures his wife. It’s the first time seeing Shawn take control like this, and Skylar actually following through. 

Shawn opens the door, looking at me and Skylar. “You ready?” Both of us nodded, watching his next move. I shouldn’t have put too much faith in Shawn’s plan. 

Shawn throws himself out of the bedroom door, acting shocked. “Are you serious right now, Sky?” 

“I’m being dead serious!” Skylar said out loud, closing the bedroom door behind her. I grabbed my keys and wallet from my nightstand, then immediately tending to Grace.

“Jagiya, I’m going to need you to trust me,” I kneeled down at her, holding her fisted hands. “I will get you to the hospital before Maki gets here—“

“Jamie, I’m not ready,” Grace pleaded, letting out a deep breath in between contractions. “I’m not ready to give birth yet. I’m not ready for Maki—“

“But she is,” I reassured her as best as I could. “She’s ready to meet us.” I looked at Grace, analyzing every expression on her face. I can tell she was scared and see the initial shock that this was really happening. I could see the million of questions scan along her face. Doubting herself. Thinking she can’t be everything she dreamt of being. Not knowing how to feel once Maki is in our arms. 

“Jamie, I’m scared—“

“It’s okay to be scared, but we have to move fast,” I told her, looking her in the eyes. “Let’s go have ourselves a baby, Grace.” I let out my hand for Grace to help her up. She holds onto my open palm tightly, slowly getting up from the bed. 

I opened the bedroom door, watching Shawn and Skylar argue in front of everyone as they watched. I quietly sneak out through the front door with Grace, getting closer to meeting our baby girl. 

I’ve hid my mental health for most of my life, and working was the only way to navigate the messiness of it when it flared up. I never spoke about my declining mental health to anyone; it was something that was never brought up in conversation. Instead, conversations were always about surface-level topics; ‘what were we planning for the weekend’ or ‘how is the family doing’ and then go back to our regular lives. It was extremely worrying while I was in law school; only Shawn and Kevin were the only ones that knew how much I was struggling. It was at its worst when my father passed away, yet I had to be emotionally available for my family, now being the only man in it. Since then it’s been difficult for me to allow people in; to some extent with Grace as well.

Things have been rather quiet between Grace and I since our falling out last week. I definitely felt like I was walking on eggshells around her, worried that I was going to do or say something wrong. She carried on her days as normal, avoiding any conflict with me by simply not engaging in anything conflict based. I hated how we’ve become this couple, especially how close we were to Maki’s arrival.

…

“Hyung, it doesn’t work like that,” Kevin argued, sighing as Shawn readjusted himself in his seat.

“Yes it does! How are you going to tell me that the story was originally going to be one thing, and then all of a sudden, it changes! It’s a beloved series and the creator can’t just recon the plot!” Shawn slammed his hand on the table, making the glasses on top rattle in place.

“Ya,” I said, holding the bridge of my nose. “You’re going to knock over the glasses trying to prove a worthless point.”

“Ouch,” Shawn replied, sitting back in his seat. “Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, sighing. “I have a lot going on right now… I didn’t mean to be rude–“

“I get it,” Shawn began to say. “You have a terrible way of handling stress.”

“Is this about the engagement party?” Kevin asked me. That was the other thing: Grace and I were planning an engagement party barely on speaking terms, and the party was this coming Saturday.

“That and everything else going on.” I looked at Shawn and Kevin; the two people in my life who were more like my brothers than best friends. I confined in them during law school when things were getting bad; what made this time any different? “My head hasn’t been… well.“

“Mwo? Are you sick?” Kevin asked.

“No,” I sighed as I said. “I am having a hard time dealing with things lately to the point that I’m not doing well…mentally.” The guys didn’t immediately say anything, which was pretty normal. It was something that we didn’t talk about and haven’t talked about since law school. “Grace and I are not on good terms.”

“Hyung, what do you mean you’re not on good terms? You’re engaged,” Kevin pointed out. “You’re also having a baby together–“

“I know, Kevin,” I spat out, not wanting to hear all of the things that make this feel even worse than it already does. I looked at Shawn, who’s staying uncharacteristically quiet. “What?” I asked Shawn.

“Nothing.”

“Ya, malhae bwa,” I said to Shawn, telling him to spit it out already. “What is it?”

“I promised Sky I wouldn’t say anything–“

“Say what? What happened?” If there was one thing about Shawn it’s that he’s loyal to the ones he loves; his wife was of course on top of the list. “Did Sky say something?”

“No, Grace did,” he confessed. “When Sky saw me in the kitchen, she made me promise not to say anything–” Before Shawn was even able to finish his sentence, I grabbed him my the collar of his shirt into a fist.

“This is my life we’re talking about. My future wife, the soon-to-be mother of my child. I don’t give a fuck if you promised your wife to not say anything about my life.” Shawn looked terrified, and Kevin tried his best to separate both Shawn and me. I finally let him go as Kevin successfully got in between us.

“We are out in public,” Kevin scolded me. I kept staring at Shawn, feeling my blood boil the longer he stood shut.

Shawn straightened himself out before he said anything. “It is not my place, nor is it my business. How about you go and talk to Grace to figure it out?”

“How? She barely says anything to me when we’re home!” I yelled out. Kevin turned back around to face me.

“Hyung!” Kevin warned me.

“Sky recommended Grace to try couples therapy,” Shawn finally blurred out loud.

“Couples therapy?” I asked. The only knowledge I had about couples therapy was through pop culture, and even then most sessions depicted the women getting even angrier than when they first got there. “Why would Sky tell Grace to do couples therapy?”

“That I don’t know, but maybe Grace said something that was alarming to Sky.” It nearly killed me knowing that Grace was telling Skylar things that made her suggest something like couples therapy to her. Couples that resorted to therapy were only there because they were not able to resolve their issues on their own. What could have Grace possibly said to Sky that prompted that response? “Maybe you should try it.”

“For what? Grace and I don’t need couples therapy,” I protested. “We are just going through a rough patch in our relationship–“

“You and Grace don’t have rough patches, Hyung,” Kevin debated. “Your rough patches are catastrophic.” I looked at Kevin, hating the fact that there was some truth behind that.

“Besides,” Shawn intervened. “Maybe you’ll also feel better going to therapy. Sky has been going to therapy for the last couple of months and I can totally see the change in her well-being. Being in therapy here isn’t as jarring of a concept as it is back home.”

“Do you go to therapy?” I asked Shawn. He didn’t answer right away. “You don’t.”

“Sky’s issues were not about our relationship; yours are.” Again, I hate when Shawn is right. “I would hate to see things go bad for you and Grace after everything you guys been through.”

“I second that,” Kevin agreed. “Plus… we don’t want to see you go back to the place you were in at law school. That was tough for all of us.” I looked at both Shawn and Kevin, understanding where they were coming from. I remember those days; the drunken, depressed days locked in my dorm room, unable to juggle the many emotions I was experiencing.

…

That night, Grace and I sat at the kitchen table, eating Chinese take out for dinner. Nothing was said; Grace sat there and ate her food scrolling on her phone. The silence was killing me.

I slowly placed my hand over Grace’s phone screen. She quickly looked up at me. I let out a deep breath, trying to center my words.

“I think couples therapy would be helpful for us,” I said loud. Grace closed her lips tightly before sighing. Her silence will be the death of me–

“I’m gonna kill Shawn before Sky gets to him,” she responded.

…

My leg bounced in place as I sat next to Grace in the waiting room. I looked around the other couples in the room; some were definitely younger than Grace and I, and surprisingly some were older. Grace placed her hand on my lap, prompting me to stop. I looked at her as she gave me a tight smile. It wasn’t words, but I’d take her expression as reassurance.

“Mr. and Mrs. Kim?” One of the assistants opened the door leading to the rooms in the back. Aigoo. She signed us up under my name. Grace and I stood up and followed the assistant to a room where a lady stood and greeted us.

“Hi, welcome,” she smiled as she said. “Please make yourselves comfortable.” Grace sat closest to the therapist and sat right next to her on the couch, holding my knees with my hands. “I’m Dr. Briggs, but you may call me Kerri.” Grace smiled at Kerri, holding her belly as she adjusted her seat. I could hear my heart pounding from my chest.

“I’m Grace, and this is my fiancé, Jamie,” Grace introduced us.

“Oh! Well much congratulations are in order,” Kerri mentioned, looking at Grace’s belly. “Couples therapy isn’t just for older, married couples these days so I commend you both for agreeing to come today.” She pulls out her notebook and pen, giving us her undivided attention. “Let’s start with some basics on your relationship. How did you two meet?”

“We met a couple of years ago while Jamie was on a business trip,” Grace began to explain. She smiled as she recalled the beginning of our relationship, but took a deep breath when things got complicated. “We are in a better place now to handle some of the issues we couldn’t resolve when we were younger.”

Kerri nodded her head, then looked at me. “Would you like to add anything, Jamie?”

“Uhm, uh–” I coughed, as my mouth was extremely dry. I feel like I’m embarrassing Grace right now.

“Take your time, I know it can be difficult to open up about something so sacred,” Kerri reassured me. She smiled before leaning in her seat. “Is it hard for you to talk about sensitive topics?” I looked at Grace; she had this look on her face that was comforting. It was like she was telling me it was okay to open up. She wants me to open up for the sake of our relationship.

“I’m not from America,” I began to say. “I grew up in a culture where it wasn’t common for people to openly discuss topics like this.”

“Topics like what?”

“Mental health,” I finally said out loud. “I come from a family where we never spoke about these things openly to each other, so it’s been a challenge adjusting to the change now.” The more I spoke, the more comfortable I felt talking. This room was a safe space and no one would judge me for feeling the way I do. I looked at Grace, who has a perplexed look on her face.

Kerri immediately caught it. “How do you feel hearing Jamie say that, Grace?”

“A bit surprised,” Grace answered, rubbing that side of her belly again whenever she felt stressed or overwhelmed. “Jamie has never expressed that to me.” She looked at me now, speaking to me for the first time since we had that argument. “You could’ve told me that you were struggling.” Before I could answer back, Kerri interrupted. I wish she didn’t need to be in the room now that Grace was talking to me.

“How do you guys come to resolutions normally?” Kerri asked me. That was actually a good question.

“If Grace is upset at something that I done or said, I would apologize and take her feelings into consideration,” I answered. Kerri nodded her head, deep in thought.

“In these situations, do you ever feel like Grace holds herself accountable for the things she does or says that upsets you?”

“Yeah–“

“Who’s first to say sorry?” Kerri asked the both of us. “Raise your hand if you are the person that initiates the conversation after a disagreement or a fight.” I could sense Grace slowly turning her head in my direction as I slowly raised my hand. “Do you feel that’s true, Grace?”

“To some extent,” Grace spat out.

“Grace,” I said to her.

“You apologize only after you say some absolute, horrific thing that you probably believe is true–“

“I do not–“

“Whoa, whoa; step on the breaks,” Kerri intervened once again. “Let’s hear what Grace has to say before we react.” This is beginning to feel like a one-sided battle.

“I am the director and owner of a dance academy, and we just had our inspection of the building not too long ago. The building passed the inspection, but I wanted to move the space for awhile now, and decided to not renew the lease to the academy–“

“For awhile?” I repeated, now just learning of this information. “And–“

“Jamie,” Kerri scolded. “Let Grace finish.” I swallowed hard, feeling my face get hot.

“Jamie was upset that I didn’t discuss this with him first, but this is my business that I am responsible for, and–” Grace fidgeted with her fingers, clearly becoming uncomfortable now. “He accused me of choosing my career over my family.”

Kerri turned her head toward me. How the hell am I suppose to explain this to someone we just met 10 minutes ago? “How do you feel hearing Grace say that out loud?”

“Exposed–“

“Exposed?” Grace turned her head, seeming upset.

“Grace,” Kerri was now scolding her. “It’s Jamie’s turn to speak.” I guess this isn’t as one-sided as I thought it would be. “What prompted you to tell Grace she was choosing her career over her family? Was that something she has done in the past?” Kerri was cut-throat, needless to say.

I don’t immediately answer Kerri’s question. She nodded her head now looking over at Grace. Grace let out a deep breath, rubbing the side of her belly. Aigoo, maybe this was a bad idea.

“I have an older daughter with a different man that accused me of choosing my career over my family. I did. I was young and I didn’t know any better and–” Grace immediately reached over the table for some tissue. I rubbed the top of her leg to comfort her. It seemed to work, as she finally let out a deep breath before she continued speaking. “My mother chose her career over her family. She’s back in my life now as an adult, but I wonder if things would’ve been different if she came back when I was a kid… when I was too young to understand what was happening.”

“It’s a valid thought to have,” Kerri commented. “We grow up not wanting to become the people that hurt us the most, and we avoid it to the point that we unknowingly become those people.” Grace wiped her eyes with the tissue.

“Grace has been a huge part of her daughter’s life, despite what she may believe,” I defended her. Kerri was looking at me now, which made me nervous.

“Did you mean to say that she was choosing her career over her family this time?” she asked.

“I was angry, and I shouldn’t have said what I said–“

“But surely you must’ve felt like she was when you said it.” I looked at Kerri, becoming annoyed on how hard she was pushing this agenda.

“In that moment, it felt like she was making her career precedence.” I didn’t dare look at Grace, feeling like she was now giving me the death stare for saying what I said.

“Grace?” Kerri said, looking at her. “What comes up when you hear Jamie say that?”

“It’s upsetting,” she answered, wiping her face with the tissue. “It’s something I’m constantly judging myself for doing with my first daughter, and to hear the person I love confirm these thoughts make them feel even more real.” I felt horrible making Grace feel that way, especially so far along in her pregnancy. How could she confine in me when I am confirming her worst fears? “I mean sure, I didn’t sacrifice my entire life to be here, or to make this relationship work.” I turned my head to Grace. Sacrifice.

Kerri nodded her head. “What sacrifices has Jamie made for this relationship?”

“His entire life was in Korea; his job, lifestyle, family…” Grace took a deep breath before finishing. “Sometimes, I feel like Jamie’s sacrifices are what drives him to make decisions about our life without consulting me.”

“That’s not true–“

“Jamie,” Kerri warned me.

“I have to at least defend myself–“

“Defend?” Grace repeated, now looking at me.

“My decision to sacrifice my life back home does not equate to my decisions meaning more than yours–“

“It feels like it, Jamie!”

“How many times do I have to say that they don’t!” Before Grace and I continued to argue, Kerri blows a whistle, scaring the both of us into silence.

“Before this escalates, let me redirect your focus for a bit.” Kerri sighed before she continued to speak. “I see many couples come through that door on the brink of divorce, hoping that this will salvage their marriage in any way it can. You are not that couple.” Kerri smiles before she leans forward in her seat. “What I see are two people who are so much in love with each other, but are afraid to let their guards down because this is some what of unexplored territory for the both of you. Even when the conversations get tough, you are still rubbing each other on the shoulder for support. Most of my clients can’t even sit on the same couch as each other.” I looked at Grace as she kept her eyes on Kerri as she spoke. Kerri tightly smiled and points at me. “Jamie has had his eyes on you this entire time, Grace.” Grace finally looked at me and smiled slightly.

I wanted this to work out. It had to work out, after everything Grace and I have gone through. These should be the most exciting times for us, and we are both unknowingly making them the most challenging times. Making the decision to leave Korea was my choice, regardless whether or not Grace wanted the same things as me. It just so happen she did, and here we are now nearly two years later, engaged, with Maki on the way. I just want the best for all of us, and I know Grace does too.

“Jamie,” Kerri said to me, which snapped me out of my thought. “Have you considered that perhaps Grace made this decision on behalf of both of you because it’s actually the better in the long run for the both of you?”

“She did mention that the space she was looking at was closer to family, considering our hands will be full when Maki arrives.” Grace smiled at me. It seemed like she was happy that I listened to what she said when she first told me. I was just so caught up thinking the absolute worst. “I said what I said out of fear that Grace didn’t want…this.”

“Of course I want this,” Grace said as she reached for my hand. “I want every up and every down that this journey has for us.” She let out a deep breath, swallowing hard. “I shouldn’t have said that you were only benefitting from our decisions. Clearly, we wouldn’t have made it if one of us didn’t want this.”

“This is good work,” Kerri commented. “How about we change perspectives about these life and career decisions by allowing each other to plead their case. What would you both get out of this decision being made? Are they ultimately catered to one person over the other?” Kerri looked at Grace, prompting her to start. “Grace, you go first.”

“Well,” Grace began to say, trying to get her words together. “The academy is a family-owned business. My aunt had the academy in that same space for decades, and it worked out for her vision but I wanted more out of the academy. The space I found for the academy would be closer to my parent’s house; that way if any emergencies occur in real life, someone is close by to the academy.”

“What made you not include Jamie in this decision?” Kerri asked.

“I didn’t want to overwhelm him with more things,” Grace answered. Aigoo, Grace. “He’s had so much on his plate with me, Maki, his own career… I truly thought this could’ve been something that I dealt with for the sake of our future after feeling like…”

I looked over at Grace. After feeling like what?

“… I haven’t been a part of the decisions regarding us. I allowed Jamie to make them because I was too afraid to tell him what I wanted.”

“Jagiya,” I finally called her by her pet name, gripping her hand in mine. “Tell me what you want.” All I wanted was for Grace to tell me what she wanted unapologetically. I just wanted to hear her say what she wants out loud not for validation, but just confirmation that in the end, she wants me just as much as I want her.

“I want to feel a part of the process,” Grace finally said. “This is truly my second chance at a life I knew I always wanted. I want my career, and I want my family. I want Willow, I want Maki, and I want you.” It felt euphoric to finally hear her say it out loud.

“And it’s okay to want both,” Kerri added. “It’s about balancing them out, and to be not afraid to ask for help with one when the other gets overwhelming.” Grace let out a deep breath, rubbing the top of her thighs with her hands. Kerri looks at me now. “The same goes for you too. Part of making things better for your relationship is to be openly honest about what you’re struggling with. You can only give so much to Grace if you’re not able to take care of yourself. It’s okay to not be okay; what’s not okay is pretending that it’s not.”

…

“Nonna, why wouldn’t you book the hotel before getting the plane ticket,” I said to the phone leaning on my shoulder as I start getting ready for class this afternoon. “We can’t house all of you in the apartment–” I hear the kettle on the stovetop ring, in which I ran out of the room to turn it up. “Mina, I know eomma doesn’t want to stay at the hotel but–” I shut my eyes tightly, feeling immensely stressed out. I look up to the ceiling before I looked back down, noticing Grace was now in the kitchen. “I have to go; I’ll call eomma later today; if not, tomorrow.” I hang up the phone and let out the deepest sigh. Grace walked to me and gently held my cheek with her hand.

“Jagiya–“

“Ya,” Grace interrupted, smiling. “You go to your class, and I’ll call Mina back.”

“You don’t have to–“

“Hey,” Grace scolded me, ultimately silencing me. “I got this.” She gave me a reassuring smile before she handed me my bag for work.

“Thank you,” I said, kissing her on her forehead.

“You what?” Grace asked, moving away from me on the bed. Her brows were scrunched together, livid to hear this confession come out. “Jamie.”

“I should’ve told you—”

“So let me get this straight,” Grace began to say, sitting up now with her hands pressed together. “You were so mad at me for not including you on a decision that has nothing to do with you, all while making this huge decision behind my back?”

“It wasn’t behind your back,” I quickly defended. “It was supposed to be a surprise.” Grace quickly got up from the bed, clearly wanting nothing to do with me in this moment. I sighed, getting out of the bed to follow her outside of the bedroom. “Jagiya—”

“Don’t.” She turned around and looked at me; her eyes mixed with both anger and hurt. “How could you go behind my back and secretly look at apartments without me? Why is it that it’s okay for you to make big decisions without consulting me, but when I do it, now my intentions are being questioned?”

“The decisions I make are for our future, Grace; not some fantasy that will only benefit myself,” I spat out, not realizing the severity of my words. Grace gasped, turning away and walking back into the bedroom to avoid talking to me. I was lucky that this was only an one bedroom apartment, and she wasn’t able to walk away too far from the discussion.

“Grace, wait—”

“I’m tired of you feeling like every decision you make has both of our best interests in mind when clearly they only benefit you.”

“Benefit me?” I yelled back. “How is trying to build a better future for us only benefitting myself?!”

“You made all of these decisions about our life when you were ready to make them! You decided to propose to me when you were ready! You decided we could have this baby when you were ready! You decided to leave your entire life behind when you were ready!”

“I left my life behind for you, Grace! What part of that don’t you understand?!” I was growing angrier the more we spoke about this. I could admit it was wrong for getting mad at her about the academy all while I was looking up apartments, but what bothered me is that she began to make it seem like I wanted this life for us more than she did.

“I never told you to leave your life behind for me, Jamie! You made that decision because you were ready to make that decision!” Grace’s eyes began to water looking at me, but she didn’t dare look away from me.

“Then tell me,” I began to say. “What do you want?”

“What?”

“What do you want, Grace? Because I’ll tell you what I want. I want to go to sleep and wake up next to you. I want to share a bathroom with you in the morning while I shave and you fix your hair. I want to run errands and explore the city with you no matter how mundane they are. I want to sit on the couch on a rainy night and watch all of the mindless, reality TV shows that you like with you. I want to start a family with you. I did everything that I did; leave my family, job, and life back in Korea because I want to be with you.” All I wanted was for Grace to tell me the same thing. I wanted to hear Grace simply say she wanted the same things with me; that she wants to build this life with me just as much as I wanted to build it with her.

Instead, she didn’t say anything. She just stood there, looking directly at me. She cleared her throat as she looked down at her belly, sniffling as if she was holding back tears.

She looked back up at me. “I’m going to Skylar’s.”

“Grace–“

“I need some space to breathe, Jamie. Please,” she pleaded, holding the side of her belly once more. I didn’t say anything else, knowing she needed this space for both herself, and our daughter.

She walked passed me, going into her closet and took out an overnight bag. I watched as she packed her things, feeling Grace slip through my fingers.

…

Shawn came over early the following morning, which I wasn’t surprised it actually wasn’t sooner considering the circumstances. I answered the door, and instead of saying something witty to greet me, he stood there uneasy.

“Hey, Shawn,” I said, letting him enter the apartment.

He sighed as a response. “What happened, hyung?”

“Is she okay?” I ignored his question, needing to know how Grace was doing. “Is she and Maki okay?”

“Grace is fine,” Shawn answered, sitting at the kitchen table. I sat in the seat across from him. “She was really upset when she got to us last night though.”

“Aigoo,” I said, holding my head with my hands.

“I don’t want to make you feel even worse–“

“Then don’t,” I spat out.

“No, Jamie.” I looked up at Shawn, reacting to the way he said my name. “Grace is about to have your kid any day now. You can’t just turn back and let her leave like last time.”

“I told her everything that I wanted for us, Shawn. I told her countless times that I was here to be with her, and—” I let out a deep breath before I continued. “She never told me if she wanted those things too.” I looked up at Shawn, trying to piece together everything that happened yesterday. “What if she really is choosing her career over me? What if I came back too late? What if she stopped wanting us to be together?”

“You think she wouldn’t want to be with you anymore?” Shawn asked.

“I don’t know, Shawn; but she made some valid points. I made all of these decisions because I thought that she wanted this.” I can’t help but think that Grace was thinking about ending things. I couldn’t stand the fact that there was a possibility that I wouldn’t be with my daughter 24/7, under the same roof with Grace.

“Then you need to ask her—”

“I did, Shawn!” I was growing frustrated now. “I asked her what she wanted and she ran to her cousin’s house. What more of an answer do I need after that?”

“Give her some time to think!” He shouted back. “You should know Grace better than all of us. You should know where her heart truly is if you love her, hyung. If you do, then she will come back with your answer.”

You should know where her heart truly is if you loved her. Those are the words that circulated my mind throughout the day. Something so simple felt impossible to figure out. I should know Grace well enough to know when she was internally struggling with something. I should’ve seen how hard she was trying to cope with everything speeding towards her these last couple of months. I refuse to believe Grace didn’t want this; didn’t want us. But this was unexplored territory, and I had no idea how to read Grace.

…

I walked down the hallway and stopped in front of an apartment door. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Mollie answered it this time.

“Jamie,” she said, seeming surprised.

“Hi, Mollie–“

“Is this about Grace?” she interrupted. Just like Grace, her mom immediately went straight to the point. I nodded my head as my response while Mollie opened the door wider. I walked in as she closed the door behind us. “Make yourself at home.”

I slowly walked into the living room area, sitting down on the couch. I looked at the coffee table, seeing the baby picture of Grace I noticed when I was last here with Weston. Baby Grace had a huge smile on her face, wearing a baby blue tutu while Mollie held her, wearing what looked like dance attire for a show. I couldn’t help but smile at the picture. Mollie walks into the living room with two cups of tea, handing one over to me.

“Thank you,” I politely said before sipping the tea. Mollie placed her cup on the table, crossing her legs as she sat across from me. “And thank you for talking with me.”

“If you were anyone else, I would’ve told you to fuck off,” Mollie bluntly admitted. I swallowed hard, not saying anything back. “But despite what you two are going through, you still mean very much to Grace.” It was nice to hear her mother say that, and it made going into this conversation easier than expected.

“She means the absolute world to me,” I began to say, followed with a sigh. “Which is why it was important for me to directly talk to you.”

She seemed surprised. “Me?”

“She looks up to you,” I confessed. Mollie seemed to be speechless, not saying anything back in return. “But she’s having a hard time expressing what she wants because…” I didn’t know how to say it politely. How do I tell her mother that Grace still struggles with her abandonment all these years later? I sighed before spitting the words out. “She fears that she wants her career more than her family. All she knows to do is having to pick one over the other, and I fear she’s chosen her career.”

“Did she tell you that?”

“She didn’t have to,” I responded. “Her actions speak louder than her words, and I fear…” I let out a deep breath before continuing. “She’s only following along the dreams I have for us.”

“That could very much be true, Jamie.” I hated that her mother was agreeing with me. “She grew up with parents that chose one over the other. Her father had to sacrifice a part of his career to take care of Grace, and I sacrificed my family in order to find success in my career.”

“I don’t want her to have to choose,” I pleased out. “I want her to know that it’s okay to want different things at different times, and both can coexist in her world–“

“I think there’s a part of her that knows that,” Mollie interrupted. “You guys are living together, engaged, and expecting a child together. Her sacrifices may not be as blatant as yours, but she has sacrificed parts of herself that she never did with anyone else in her life… not even for Willow.” I never thought of her sacrifices being silent as they’ve been. Maybe she’s been sacrificing herself this whole time, and the academy was her way to prevent losing something valuable. Grace was never ungrateful; she’s just been silently struggling to accept that love comes with sacrifice.

“Excuse me if this is too personal, but… did you feel that way when you had Grace? Did you want that life for yourself?” I asked. I felt embarrassed once I saw Mollie scrunch an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, that’s–“

“Don’t apologize,” Mollie smiled as she said. “But that’s a truth of mine that Grace doesn’t need to know.” My heart ached for Grace. To sense that even at a young age, she had to grasp with the fact that she was never a part of what her mom wanted.

I nodded my head. “That’s what makes Grace different,” I said. She always wanted Willow. She always made her one of her priorities, despite what she believes. Aigoo, she always wanted Maki, even since the very beginning.

Mollie sighed, fidgeting with her fingers. “Grace will never believe me when I say this, but I look up to her more than she thinks. Grace isn’t perfect, but she has done more than I ever did at her age.” Mollie smiled, grabbing a tissue from the coffee table. “Her silence does not mean she doesn’t care. She’s simply trying to unlearn everything she believed was true love growing up. I know she’s probably scared as fuck to admit that no one has loved her the way you love her.”

…

I opened the door of the apartment and placed my keys in the dish next to the coat rack. I looked in our living room and blinked, thinking I was now hallucinating.

Grace turned her head as she sat on the couch, looking directly at me.

“Grace,” I dropped everything in my hands and walked over to her. She got up from her seat.

“Jam–” Before she was able to finish, I pulled her in a hug, digging my face in her shoulder. Smelling her conditioner. Feeling her belly pressed against me. Her skin velvet soft.

“Jagiya,” my voice cracked, feeling hot tears stream down my face. “Mianhae. God, I am so sorry–” It was now Grace comforting me, rubbing small circles along my back.

“Shhh,” Grace whispered to me, easing me. “Gwaenchanhayo.”

By the time Grace and I got home from the hospital, it was 1 o’clock in the morning. I opened the front door, turning the lamp on in the living room as I walked Grace to the couch. She didn’t fight, nor did she say anything to me on the ride home. She sits on the couch, placing her hands under her belly.

When we got to the hospital, the doctor ran a couple of tests on Grace to determine if she was about to go into labor. After what felt like hours waiting in the waiting room for some sort of update, the doctor walked out with Grace sitting in a wheelchair, confirming that tonight wasn’t going to be the night Maki would come. It was a false alarm due to immense stress, which I felt highly responsible for causing.

After placing our things on the kitchen counter, I went ahead and sat next to Grace on the couch. Silence fills the room.

“I’ll go to the pharmacy tomorrow and pick up your prescription,” I began to say.

“Thank you,” Grace simply said, not looking at me. I shut my eyes for a moment, knowing this was possibly one of the scariest nights I’ve had with Grace to this point. I sighed, rubbing my eyes before opening them back up.

“Grace,” I began to say. “Jagiya.” The name felt foreign in my mouth, having not called her that for the entire night up until this point. “I’m—”

“I know,” she simply said.

“I’m sorry for what I said to you tonight,” I continued to say, despite Grace not wanting to hear it. “For causing this to happen.” Grace finally turned her body to me. I couldn’t help but place my hand on top of her belly, feeling absolutely grateful the worst did not happen tonight. “I shouldn’t have said what I said. It wasn’t true—”

“There’s always some truth in the things we say,” Grace softly responded. She sighed before looking directly in my eyes. “Maybe there is some truth behind it.”

“Grace—”

“I’m not this perfect woman you think I am. I make mistakes, I do things without thinking them through. I want things that I shouldn’t.” She took a deep breath before she continued. “I want to build my legacy and build a life with you. I want both.” Grace has had a hard time balancing her career with her life for as long as I’ve known her. These last months have been extremely hard knowing she probably feels like she’s now having to choose between what success looks like for her versus what it truly is. She grew up not knowing her mother, to finding out just how much of an impact she has made in her career. Even after everything Grace has been through, she still sees her mom as the role model of what her life should look like. Jagiya, if only you knew how much more capable you are to balance everything out; something your mother could not do.

“Wanting both does not make you a bad person,” I began reassuring her. “It’s… normal. You want success both professionally and in your personal life. We all do.”

“But most people don’t question the importance over the other. Most people will say their family is the most important thing in their lives, but me—”

“For you, it still is just as important.” I looked at Grace, taking her hand and placing it on top of her belly, overlapping my own hand now. “You’ve been taking care of Maki this entire time, all while taking care of the academy.”

“But you said I was choosing one over the other—”

“I solely spoke out of anger, and I shouldn’t have said it.” I never believed that Grace was choosing her career over her family, even before Maki came into the picture. Grace has been scared to admit that sometimes, her career is her comfort zone; it’s the space that she feels the most confident in because she does it extremely well. Grace simply goes back to thinking about her career when things in her personal life get overwhelming. “I felt angry that you were making a commitment without expressing it to me first. I understand the academy has always been yours, but what you decide to do with it affects the other parts of your life.”

“I was only thinking about what the academy could do for us in the future,” Grace confessed. “A bigger space meant we’d get more dancers there, sure, but I wanted something closer to the city, closer to Willow, and closer to home.” Grace was now the one grabbing my hand, placing my open palm on the side of her belly. I could feel Maki up against Grace’s skin. Aigoo.

“I was simply afraid that you wanted your career more than this,” I whispered, feeling the knot form in my throat. I coughed it out, sniffling away any tears that were planning to fall. “I lost my last moments with my father because I chose my career over my family. That’s what I live with each day, thinking what if I just let myself put my family first in that situation… would I still carry this burden not knowing if my father’s final thoughts were how selfish his son was.”

Grace placed the palm of her hand on my cheek, wiping away the tears that had escaped from my eyes. I looked up at her as she looked at me, giving me a reassuring smile.

“He would be proud of his son for every decision he’s made to this point,” Grace responded, caressing my cheek with her hand. “He would be so beyond proud of the man you’ve become.” She sighed before she took her hand away from my face. “All I thought about tonight was Maki. I was so afraid something bad happened to her, and all I could think about was how selfish I was for not putting her first. I was scared that my carelessness would cost us, and I don’t know if I could live with that guilt if something did happen to her.”

“Maki knows when her eomma is stressed,” I added. “But she’s also just as strong as her eomma.” Grace smiled, finally leaning her back on the couch, relaxed. “So, about the–“

“Ya,” I quickly said, getting up from the couch. “Let’s get some rest and revisit these things tomorrow.” I held out my hand for Grace, which she quickly grabbed as I helped her up. I looked at Grace as she stood there, and I immediately pulled her in for a hug. I hug her tightly, digging my chin in between her neck and collarbone.

“I love you, Grace.” She slowly lets me go, looking up at me.

“I love you too, Jamie.”

…

The rest of the week was as normal as things can be between Grace and I. Grace spent most of her day getting things ready in the nursery, while I taught my classes online in the other room. We haven’t spoken much about the other night; a apart of me is grateful that we were able to move past it, but the other part of me is worried that Grace was silently ruminating about it. I was silently ruminating about it.

After my lecture, I walked out of the bedroom to see Grace sitting on the couch, scrolling through her phone. She looked up at me and smiled.

“I didn’t want to interrupt you during your lesson,” Grace began to say as she got up. “Sky invited me for lunch, even though I suspect this is more of a ‘maid of honor trying to get some things checked off the wedding list’ type of lunch.” I smiled, knowing exactly that was Skylar’s intention. If anyone has been more excited about Grace and I’s engagement, it’s been Shawn and Skylar.

I kissed her on the forehead, coming in for a hug. “You could’ve came in, jagiya. I wouldn’t mind the sight.” Grace scoffed, lightly hitting me on the arm before walking into the bedroom. I followed her as she went through her closet.

“I would prefer to not give your college students a sight to see,” Grace responded, smiling as she sorted through her clothes. “Maybe you and Shawn should plan something for the day.” Grace turns around when I don’t respond. “Jamie?”

“Maybe I should stay here… just in case something happens.” Ever since that night, I’ve been terrified of being away from Grace. I was grateful to have been there at the cafe with her when the scare happened, but I couldn’t help but think it happening again when I’m not near. Grace places her clothes on the bed and walks to me, cupping my face with her hands.

“I’m going to be fine, Jamie. Sky will be with me.”

“I know, but still,” I looked at her, feeling uneasy. “Maki’s unpredictable, just like her mama.” Some slight humor lightened up the mood as Grace playfully rolled her eyes at me. She kisses me on the lips before grabbing her clothes from the bed.

“I’ll make sure she behaves; she knows how crazy Aunt Sky is,” Grace mentioned, cocking her eyebrows up. I think Maki has an idea of how crazy her family already is. “Oh, can you do me a slight favor while you’re out?”

“So you’re actually sending me out?” I playfully asked.

“Yes, and I’m not taking no for an answer,” Grace begins to get dressed, pulling the dress over her head as it slid down her body. I walked over to her, helping her zip up the dress from the back.

“Okay mom,” I teased Grace, grabbing her sneakers from the shoe rack hanging from the closet door.

“I need you to pick up the personalized items from the printing shop,” Grace said as she sat on the bed. I kneeled down, helping her put on her shoes. “Make sure you send me a picture of them before you leave just in case they need to be redone.” I smiled up at Grace, tying the last of her laces on her sneaker. Grace and I have been actively learning how to work on things together as a team, especially everything related to the engagement party in two weeks. We compromised that right now we should focus on two things before we focus on the other things: getting Maki’s nursery ready, and planning accordingly for the engagement party. Grace was the planner, and I was somewhat of the delivery boy, getting every ridiculous thing she wants for this party. I don’t mind though the more excited she becomes when doing her online shopping.

“Okay jagiya,” I agreed, standing up from the ground now. “You must promise me something though.” I leaned into Grace, our lips almost touching. “You’ll call me if you’re not feeling well.” Grace puts her fingers against my lips as I tried to lean in for a kiss. She tussles my hair as she gets up from the bed, looking in my eyes.

“Okay, dad.”

…

“Hyung,” Shawn deadpanned. I looked up from my phone, seeing Shawn raise an eyebrow up. “Are you okay?” I sighed, placing my phone on the table at a luncheon place Shawn has been dying to try. I believe he said that they had a variety of Maki rolls he wanted to try.

“I’m sorry, my head isn’t all here,” I admitted, leaning back in my seat. “All I can think about is Grace.”

“You can get down and dirty with her when you’re back home–“

“Ya,” I reacted, shutting my eyes momentarily. “Not like that. What if she gets sick or something? What if Maki’s like, ‘nope, I feel like coming a couple of weeks early!’ What if–“

“Grace would’ve called you if it was going to happen, hyung.” I look at Shawn, not completely convinced. “You’re just going to stress yourself out, which will stress Grace out, which–“

“I get it, Shawn,” I spat out, rubbing my eyes together. “I’ve been trying so hard to be strong for the both of us, but it’s been much easier to say than done.”

“I could only imagine that’s normal it being your first time becoming a dad,” Shawn said, sipping his iced tea. I opted for the sparkling water, trying to stay away from the caffeine a bit. “You got to give yourself some grace… no pun intended.”

“I’m more worried about Grace,” I admitted out loud.

“Mwo? Why?”

I let out a deep breath before confessing out the truth. “Grace and I had an argument the other night; a bad one.”

“Every couple fights–“

“Not the way Grace and I do,” I responded back. “I accused her of caring about her career more than her family.” Shawn winced.

“Ah, hyung; even I know that’s something you don’t say to Grace, especially being super pregnant. How did you even get to that point?”

“She’s not renewing the lease for the studio. She’s been secretly looking for other spaces.”

“The same way you’ve been secretly looking at other apartments to live in?” Shawn mentioned.

“That’s different,” I argued back. “We are living out of a one-bedroom apartment; one room that’s a makeshift one for Willow.”

“But have you spoken to Grace about wanting to move in a bigger space?” I don’t answer, hating the fact that Shawn is right. “Hyung, you can’t call the kettle black.”

“Shawn,” I sighed. “You mean, ‘the pot calling the kettle black‘.”

“That,” Shawn said nonchalantly. “You can’t be upset that Grace was secretly looking at studio spaces when you were secretly looking up apartment spaces. You both are looking up spaces without letting each other know.”

“Grace shouldn’t have to worry about looking up apartments with me; that’s my job–“

“The same way upholding the academy is her business,” Shawn debated with me. “Not to make you feel worse, but…didn’t her ex make her choose between her career and her family when she had Willow?”

“I’m not making her choose one over the other,” I quickly defended myself. The last thing I needed was my best friend telling me I was no better than her ex; the same ex she was previously engaged to when she was pregnant with Willow. “I just want her to realize that love sometimes means that we have to sacrifice–“

“Ah!” Shawn slammed his fist on the table, making a loud thump. “That’s it!”

“What’s what?”

“You feel like you’ve sacrificed more than she has.” Shawn stated. “You feel like she’s not willing to sacrifice her career the way you sacrificed yours.”

“She retired from elite dance to be here with me–“

“And you’ve left your family in Korea, your job in Korea, your life in Korea to be with Grace. I get that you think Grace can do no wrong in your eyes, but you know it’s not right feeling like the love is one-sided.” I think about what Shawn is saying, remembering the first time he brought this up on the night before his wedding. What has Grace sacrificed to show you that she wants what you want? It was something absurd at first, but maybe deep down I felt there was some truth behind Shawn’s words. I know Grace loves me, but does she love me more than her career?

“Ya,” I simply answered, not knowing what to say.

“You want my honest opinion? Grace is undoubtedly in love with you, hyung. You already know that though. But she also loves you. And that is probably freaking her out, on top of juggling everything you’ve thrown at her within the last year. She’s having your first child. She said yes to your proposal. In a matter of months, she went from being your girlfriend, to the mother of your child, and your fiancée.”

“What are you getting at, Shawn?” I asked, impatient for the answer.

“Grace is probably using the academy as a shield to avoid all of things that are scaring her,” Shawn said. “That’s why it probably feels like she’s not willing to sacrifice for love. She’s never gotten this far before.”

She’s never gotten this far before.

…

Grace and I spent the night in bed. I look over to her as she browsed on her tablet. I looked over, seeing her browse through wedding dress photos. Moments after, a test message comes through her assistant at the academy.

"Hey Grace; the owner of the studio space in Midtown is in town this week - she's looking to set a meeting sometime this Thursday--" 

She quickly swiped up the notification.

“Jagiya?” Grace turned her head to look at me, giving me her attention. “I…I have to tell you something.”

“What’s wrong?” Grace asked, placing her tablet down on her side of the nightstand. Her hand immediately travels to the side of her belly, rubbing it in small circles.

“I haven’t been completely honest with you,” I began to say. Before Grace is able to react, I spat it out. “I’ve been looking up apartments for us to move into.”

I didn’t realize just how much life tests your love until you find yourself in it.

After proposing to Grace on our babymoon, we both spent the following week celebrating our engagement and playing house in our Airbnb. Our relationship stepped into territory both Grace and I never been in before. First, Maki is only a few weeks away from coming into the world, and now we have a wedding to actually plan in the midst of it all.

Also, what Grace doesn’t know is that I’m secretly looking for a bigger space for us to move into all before any of these things happen.

In the recent weeks, I began attending these open houses, in hopes that one of them feels even remotely like the place I’d want my little family to live. After a long day of viewing space that felt like anything but right, I made it to Grace’s parents to pick up Willow for Grace.

The apartment door opens, and Mr. Ashmore stands there to greet me.

“Jamie,” Mr. Ashmore said with a smile.

“Hi, Mr. Ashmore.”

“Please, call me Weston.” Mr. Ashmore—Weston said.

“My apologies,” I responded. I see Willow running in the back, coming closer to the front door. “Hi, Willow Bean.”

“Jamie! Annyeonghaseyo!” Her soft, little voice greeted me using the Korean I’ve been teaching her. I’ve figured one way to help Grace connect her little family to ours is teaching her basic words in Korean. Willow may not be my biological daughter, she’s still a part of the family Grace and I are starting. Her younger sister will be half-Korean, and wanted to make Willow feel as included to her Korean infused family. If not for Willow’s presence in my life, I wouldn’t have realized just how much I wanted to become a father. Helping Grace raise Willow in the years we’ve known each other made me realize how ready I was to become a father.

Willow walks underneath Weston’s arm leaning on the doorframe, smiling showing her missing tooth spaces. “I lost another tooth!”

“I see,” I responded with a smile. “Did you put it under your pillow for the tooth fairy?”

“I did! She left me a $10 bill!” Willow excitedly said, waving the bill in her hand.

“$10? Weston—” Before I could finish my sentence, he gives me that girl grandpa look. “M-Mr. Ashmore, you didn’t have to put that much under her pillow—”

“Nonsense,” Weston interrupted me, waving his hand in dismissal. He greets me into the apartment, doing my usual admiration of the space. Even the sun setting out the window is shining through the apartment.

“How’s Grace?” He asked as he closed the door behind us.

“She’s hanging in there, but growing impatient,” I answered, reflecting on the many mornings I would find her talking to Maki in the kitchen, holding her belly as if it were a newborn baby.

“I’m glad she’s feeling excited, we’re all excited for you two.” I smiled, sitting at the kitchen table while Willow played a bit more in the living room area.

“Grace wanted to be here to give you and Mollie this,” I began to say as I pulled a small envelope from my pocket. “It’s the RSVP date for the engagement party.”

“You mean the one that you’re throwing in our place?” Weston teased, crossing his arms along his chest.

“You know how particular she can be,” I mentioned to Weston. “Because she wasn’t feeling well, I told her I’d come and get Willow.”

“Of course; Willow?” The little girl stood what she’s doing and turns around to face Weston. “Make sure that you packed everything in your suitcase. Jamie is going to be taking you home.”

“Okay, grandpa,” Willow said as she got up from where she was sitting and went into the guest bedroom where she typically stays in.

“Have you guys decided if you’re getting married before or after Maki is born?” Weston began his interrogation.

“After,” I confirmed. “Our main focus is Maki’s arrival. Plus, it gives us more time to plan the wedding accordingly.”

“It’s nice when you can celebrate with your little family. Mollie and I first got married about 4 months after Grace was born. She was so vocal and loud, she could’ve been the priest at the altar.” I couldn’t help but laugh, imagining a baby Grace with red, curly locks, squealing at the top of her lungs. Not much had changed.

I began to feel butterflies just thinking about sitting at the reception table with Maki curled up in my arms being the absolute perfect baby. Aigoo, I can’t wait for the moment I get to hold Maki in my arms for the very first time.

Weston finally opened the invitation up, looking at it as he read. “Wait, this party is in three weeks?”

“We are aware that it’s super soon,” I began to try to reason with him. “But that’s the only week we’re sure that Grace will still be some time away from her due date.”

Weston ultimately sighed in defeat, letting the girl dad in him go with it. Seeing just how much Weston is willing to do for Grace is how I hope to be with my own daughter. Maki, you’re not even here yet and you’ve got me wrapped around your tiny fingers already.

“I’ll let Mollie know once I get her from the airport this weekend,” Weston decided with. I nod my head, getting ready to get Willow back to Grace. “Willow Bean?”

“I’m almost finished!” Her tiny voice shouts, followed by squeaking toys and singalong plushies start to go off. The original mini-Grace.

“Anything with the open houses?” Weston asked and changed the subject. The only other person that knows I’m on the hunt to move was Weston; apparently his best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s cousin was a real estate broker and was the one to recommend me the spots to check on.

“All were beautiful, but nothing felt right,” I began to explain. “I have this vision that our starter home would be a 3-bedroom apartment in the city. They’re pricey, but with a deposit on one of them is all I needed to do to finally get a place of our own. The place we can call our home.

“Having that many rooms can make you feel like you’re paying more rent than rooms that don’t have any real use in them.” The Ashmore’s, for the most part, always had this apartment since Grace was in high school. The room was efficient at the time, but now have all these vacant rooms that are only lived in if we stay over for a weekend. “Getting Mollie to even consider moving into a smaller space is a task on its own.” Ya, I know exactly how that feels with Grace.

Willow finally opens her bedroom door, dragging her enormous bag along the floor. I laugh, getting up from my seat to help her out.

“Thank you, Jamie,” Willow politely said. She turned to Weston, giving him a hug. “See you later, grandpa!”

“See ya, kid,” Weston smiled as he gives her a high-five.

After having dinner with Grace and Willow, Max and his wife Mariam came to pick Willow up for the night. After a busy day, I expected our night consisted of Grace and I rotting in our bed, streaming the newest episodes of our favorite shows.

What I didn’t expect is making a visit to the cafe at 10 o’clock at night.

“Jagiya,” I said as I placed our drinks on our table in the cafe. “You know I love the cafe as much as the next person, but couldn’t have this waited tomorrow morning?”

“We made a pact that no matter what time it is, we make the big decisions here.” Grace stated. She placed her hand alongside her belly, rubbing small circles against it. It’s something she does when she’s feeling anxious.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she quickly dismissed, lifting her hand away from the spot. Her hand kept going back though, as if she was now using it as a coping mechanism. “Did my dad open the invitation?”

“He did; the first thing he mentioned was the sudden date.”

Grace sighed before she spoke. “I wish we had more time to actually prepare for this party. I feel bad that we’re throwing it at my parent’s house.”

“You know they don’t mind, jagiya,” I reassured Grace, wincing after taking a sip of an iced americano at this hour of night. I might be getting too old to be drinking it this late. “So, speaking of the engagement party—”

“Before we get there, I wanted to share something with you first,” Grace interrupted, smiling nervously as she spoke.

“Oh, okay,” I answered, not knowing where Grace was going with this. “What’s on your mind?”

“So, the inspection company gave me a call earlier today, and—good news, we passed it.”

“That’s great,” I said with a smile on my face. Looking at Grace, she seemed to not share the same sentiment. “Is there more?”

“Well,” Grace said as she began to fidget with her fingers. “I’ve done some thinking about the future of the academy. While I was happy that the space passed the inspections, I couldn’t help but feel differently about the space.” I tilted my head to the side, trying to understand where grace was going with this. It was times like this that I wish Grace wasn’t a “beat around the bush” type of person when having uncomfortable situations. Why is this uncomfortable for her in the first place?

“What are you trying to say?” I bluntly asked, needing to understand the severity of this conversation needing to be in the cafe. Grace let out a deep breath before breaking the news to me.

“I didn’t renew the lease for the studio,” Grace confessed.

My eyes slightly widened. “What?”

“The lease is up in June, and I chose to not renew the lease—”

“Grace,” I began to say trying to get my thoughts together. “The lease is up in June; the same month that Maki is expecting to arrive, and you didn’t renew the lease for the studio space?”

“For good reason,” Grace began explaining, going into her large purse and pulls out a thin folder.she flips it open before going through the small pile of papers, finding what she needed from it. “I’ve been looking at new space for the academy, and I—”

“Wait, wait; slow down,” I waved my hands, trying to fully comprehend the situation in front of me. “You’ve been searching for new places for the academy and didn’t talk to me about it?”

“Why? The academy is my business.” It frustrated me every time Grace seemed to forget that what we both decide to do individually will affect the both of us, especially now that we are set to get married.

“We’ve been over this before.”

“We have, and if I needed your help with this, I would’ve asked—”

“That’s not the point, Grace. The point is that the academy is a source of our income. Not only are we preparing for Maki’s arrival, but we’re planning a wedding. Finding a space for the academy wasn’t something we budgeted for the next year.”

“It’s not like I sold the business, Jamie,” Grace spat back, crossing her arms along her chest. “The academy is still a source of our income, and I’m just making decisions that will benefit our family in the long run.”

“But what about right now?”

“I understand we have to begin planning this engagement party, and we will—”

“Forget the engagement party,” I interrupted. “What about Maki?”

“We still have time until she’s born,” Grace confidently said. “The academy will be up and running by the time she does.”

“And then what? You’ll be on maternity leave and would then need to get a temporary choreographer to manage the academy—”

“You’re being super negative about this,” Grace spat out. “I thought you’d be happy that I finally made a decision for our long-term goals.”

I couldn’t help but scrunch my eyebrows, becoming angry at the conversation now. “Our long-term goals, or your long-term goals?” I asked. Grace’s eyes pierced through mine.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Grace, this sounds like a goal you’ve set for yourself, which I am not upset about. What I’m upset about is you’re not willing to prioritize the other important things that are happening—”

“So you just want us to sit here and talk about plans for the engagement party? Something that literally is only going to happen for one night and then it’s done?” Grace argued back. I couldn’t help but feel absolutely livid with Grace in this moment. How does she not understand it wasn’t about the engagement party at this point anymore? How does she not understand that a part of love is sacrifice? How does she not see just how much of myself I’ve sacrificed to be here with her?

“Forget the engagement party,” I spat out. “I’m talking about Maki.”

“Maki isn’t due until—”

“You’re doing it again.” I looked at Grace coldly.

“Doing what again?” She asked. I don’t answer her right now away as I try to find the best solution possible for this argument. I’ve known Grace for the many stages of her life; the ones that I absolutely fell in love with, and the ones that I hoped would never creep back. There was no doubt in my mind that Grace was the one I was meant to be with, to love, to spend the rest of my life with. Because of that, I have to say the thing I don’t want to say.

“You’re putting your career before your family again,” I responded. Grace didn’t immediately react. Instead, she looked at me with fear and fury mixed in her eyes. I couldn’t read her body language at that point, and I felt like I just allowed Grace to slip through my fingers, something I once did when going back to Korea for the first time.

I couldn’t help but feel like this was life’s way of testing our love, and how much we have of it for each other. What made matters more intense was that Maki, my first-born daughter, will be here sooner than we realize. I might’ve just strained our relationship saying what I just said. But, it needed to be said in order for her to understand.

“How dare you,” Grace finally said. “How dare you sit there and judge me off of something that you have absolutely no right to judge me on.” There were tears in her eyes, and she was now rubbing the side of her belly even more. “How dare you sit there and believe that I am putting my career before my child again knowing the absolute psychological damage it has caused me.” Grace abruptly gets up from her seat and grabs her things in a frenzy.

“Grace—”

“Fuck you, Jamie!” She yelled out loud, halting the entire cafe atmosphere. She held the side of her stomach, clenching the fabric of her sweater like she was in pain. My anger immediately turned into concern.

“Grace?” I went to hold her by the arm until she swatted it away from me.

“Don’t touch me!” She spat out, beginning to hunch over the table to lean on.

“Grace, come on; sit down—”

“I don’t need your help!”

“Ya,” I yelled out loud, which then prompted Bernie to come from behind the counter. “I won’t let you put yourself and Maki’s health in danger to prove some absurd point!” Grace looked up at me, her face changing from anger to pure panic.

“Grace?” Bernie said as he got to us, pulling out a chair for Grace to sit in. I immediately pulled my cellphone from my jacket pocket to dial 911.

“We need an ambulance at Bernie’s cafe, located on East 33rd and Madison,” I said on the phone, looking at Grace in pain. “I think my wife’s about to have our baby.”

The first year that I was back in New York, Grace and I avoided the “future talk”. That talk that had us think and talk about what we wanted for our futures, and how would that look like with the other person involved.

Grace would sit out on the fire-escape the nights she’d have these thoughts. As the year went on, she sat out there less and less, which made me think that Grace stopped having them; the thoughts where she questioned everything in her life. One night, I pulled the drapes away from the window and saw Grace sitting on the steps, sipping a can of Diet Coke wearing her pajamas and winter coat.

“Jagiya?” I called out. She immediately turned her head to face me. “You’re going to get sick sitting out there for too long.”

“I’ll be back in a minute,” she said, turning her head toward the street. I sighed, tying my robe around my waist and climbed outside of the living room window. Grace immediately turned her head again, watching me as I crawled out to the fire-escape. “Jamie—”

“I know why you’re out here,” I said. Her eyes widen, followed with a sigh.

“What gave it away?”

“You only sit out here when you’re thinking about ‘future talk’,” I answered, sitting next to her on the steps. “It’s been awhile since we had one of these—”

“Do you see us together in the next 5 years?” I looked at Grace, confused by her question.

“Well,” I started to say. “I see us together forever.” Grace rolled her eyes. That was not the reaction I was expecting.

“I’m being serious, Jamie,” Grace emphasized. “What if down the line we realize we were not meant to be? What if we just stop loving each other?”

“That’s not going to happen—”

“It did once,” Grace looked at me as she said. I scrunched my eyebrows, feeling a bit upset at her response.

“Despite popular belief, Grace; I never stopped,” I sternly stated.

“There was a point in time we both moved on, not ever thinking we’d see each other again.” I tried to read Grace’s facial expression to figure out what’s going on, and I couldn’t. It worried me. Was she falling out of love? Does she want something different for her future than me?

“But we are here now,” I defended. “Where is this even coming from—”

“I’m scared of the future, Jamie.” Grace looked at me with real concern in her eyes. I hate when her mind put her in that place. The place where she can’t trust herself when she feels even an ounce of happiness. The place where she doubts everything, thinking she wasn’t deserving of genuine love without there being repercussions behind it.

To be quite honest, I didn’t think Grace would come back to New York feeling this way after spending the last couple of weeks with her mother in Italy. When her mother invited her to come see one of the last dance shows for the production, I was excited for her. Grace has a special connection with the dance production; this time last year she was just finishing up the Ulsan production. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I’ve been living in New York with Grace. I thought a lot of her doubts went away the longer time has passed, and after telling her time and time again that this was the real thing. No more flying back to Korea every couple of months. No more wondering whether or not it was the right decision to live in New York. I was here to stay with her because my future involved her in it.

“It’s completely normal to feel that way, jagiya.” I placed her hair behind her ear to get a better look at Grace. I leaned in and gently kissed her on the lips. “But one thing is for certain: I’m not doing this future thing without you.”

…

Grace insisted that she would come back from Italy to make it to the law firm’s annual holiday party with me in midtown tonight. As the time got closer to the party, it was taking Grace longer than usual to get ready.

I entered the bedroom as I was putting my tie on, and noticed Grace was sitting at the vanity still not dressed.

“Jagiya,” I said as I walked closer to her. She turned around to face me, worried written all over her face. “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you dressed yet?”

“I’m not feeling good,” Grace began to say. I crossed my arms and cocked an eyebrow.

“I’m starting to think you believe I fall for that every time,” I teased. “What’s really on your mind?”

“Fine.” She turned her entire body around and looked at me. “I’m terrified of seeing everyone at the firm.” When I first met Grace nearly 6 years ago, she was a lawyer, working on her first big case since being hired at the Carter Law Firm. She was the one that got me the job at the firm when I moved here earlier this year, so I was confused that all of a sudden, she was nervous about attending the holiday party.

“It’s been so long since you worked there,” I mentioned.

“Exactly! They’re all going to look at me and ask me how I’ve been and what I do now, especially if we see Ari there.” Ari was once Grace’s best friend before falling out a couple of years ago. It nearly destroyed Grace, knowing that the reason for their falling out was because… well, us.

“If it makes you feel any better; Ari and I do not even interact with each other,” I said, sitting on the edge of our bed facing Grace. “And even if she walks up to you; who cares?”

“I do,” Grace fought back. “I have nothing to say to her, but knowing how petty Ari can be she’s going to try to get to me.”

“Then don’t let her.” I leaned in and smiled for reassurance. “You think I care about what Ari thinks about you or me? There’s a reason she is a part of your past. Let her judge the person you once were because she has no idea just how amazing you are now.” Grace smiled, which was always a good sign. I kissed her forehead, getting up from the bed. “Now get ready to be the most beautiful person at that party.” Grace smiled as she rolled her eyes, facing her vanity mirror now.

…

The venue combined all of the subdivisions of the law firm, so needless to say the venue for the holiday party was extremely fancy. Grace and I entered the venue, looking around at the many dining tables with a dance floor in the middle. Grace decided to wear this beautiful sparkly red dress with her curly hair pinned back. She knows just how much I love red on her. I squeezed her hand and she looked up at me.

“Let’s go find our seats.” Grace nodded her head and walked with me to the guestbook. The table we were seated at were a bunch of other lawyers and their significant others that specifically worked in my division. As dinner began to be served, Grace barely touched any of the dishes that came out. It worried me a bit, reminding myself about her very complicated relationship with food over the years. I watched her play with every dish until the main course was served; the fish.

“Jagiya,” I whispered to her. “You have to eat something.”

“I’m not that hungry.”

“You barely ate anything today,” I pointed out.

“I’m fine, Jamie.” Grace was growing annoyed at me, but not as much as I was getting with her. “Stop monitoring me.”

“Then eat your dinner,” I spat back. “And more than a bite or two.” Grace looked down at her plate and slowly began cutting the fish, placing a piece in her mouth.

“Jamie Kim,” a woman’s voice said my name. I looked up from the table and immediately felt my stomach turn. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“Hi, Ari,” I politely greeted. The last time Ari and I had a conversation was when I desperately went to her apartment, looking for Grace after missing my flight to Korea. I went looking for Grace to tell her how I felt about her. I was going to tell her that I was going to stay in New York for her that time. “Nice to see you.”

She smiled and looked at Grace. Aigoo, Grace is completely pale in the face. “I’m surprised to see you here, Grace. Nice to see you again after all this time.” Grace doesn’t say anything back, she just nervously bounces her leg underneath the table. I absolutely hate how Ari is making Grace feel.

“Grace is my girlfriend,” I confidently said, holding Grace’s hand. I could see it in Ari’s face how surprised she is to hear those words. “It’s not as surprising considering many of us here are with our significant others.”

Ari nodded her head and put on a fake smile before she spoke. “Enjoy the rest of your night,” she said, walking away from the table. I looked at Grace, still frozen in place in her seat.

“Jagiya, it’s okay.” I grabbed her hand and kissed the top of it, letting her feel the touch on her skin.

“I need to use the bathroom.” Grace began to get up from her seat, placing her napkin on the table. “I’ll be back,” Grace said before walking away. There was something off about Grace tonight. She seemed like she had something else on her mind and she wasn’t present. I watched her rush to the other side of the hall until someone’s voice broke my train of thought.

“Mr. Kim,” a man’s voice called my name. I turned around to see Mr. Carter standing there with a smile on his face. “I’m glad you were able to make it tonight.”

“Thank you, Mr. Carter,” I greeted, shaking his hand. Mr. Carter and I have had a rocky work relationship over the past years due to our different views and work ethic, but I respected him as an attorney. Plus, he was more than kind to allow me to join the firm again after our sour first impressions.

“Would you mind if we spoke about something privately?” he asked. I was nervous, looking towards the bathroom to wait for Grace to come back. “I will promise to bring you back in one piece, Mr. Kim.” He laughed as he directed me towards one corner of the ballroom, away from the tables and other festivities. He smiled before he said anything else. It made me sweat profusely in the suit I was wearing.

“What is this about?” I kindly asked, trying to stay as stoic as possible. Mr. Carter continued to smile, folding his hands together.

“The director of your division has given me a good word about the past couple of cases you were assigned to,” he began to say. “Myself and the other division directors are looking to implement an international division to our firm, and we all came to an agreement that you would be the perfect fit to manage it.” My eyes widened, surprised to hear this news. I couldn’t believe that the chance I made to come back to New York would result in me getting a promotion like this at a law firm.

“Mr. Carter, I’m honored; I’m just a bit confused in why this couldn’t wait until business hours… I mean, it is a party.” Mr. Carter laughed at my joke, which was relieving to an extent. Really; why couldn’t this wait until Monday?

“Well, I know this is very last minute, but the division is looking to be premiered at the International Summit at the beginning of the new year, and the sooner you were made aware to this, the sooner you’d be on the next flight to Singapore!”

I coughed, nearly choking on my own spit.

“Singapore?” I repeated.

“Yes! Isn’t that exciting?” Mr. Carter said enthusiastically. “With all due respect, this expansion has been in the works for nearly a year and a half, and once you came back to the firm permanently, I knew this would be the perfect position for you.” I looked at Mr. Carter before looking out towards the ballroom. I didn’t know how to feel about this. This was surely an opportunity that I know would be stupid to decline, but… I’ve only been back for a year. Grace and I have only been together for a year. What would this do to our relationship? I can’t leave her again for a job.

“Mr. Carter, I’m honored that you believe I am capable of managing such thing for the firm, but–“

“I know,” he interrupted to say. Does he really? “You need time to think about it, which is why I’ve set us up a meeting to meet with the other directors to further discuss in a week.” Mr. Carter pats me on the shoulder before getting close to my ear. “I think this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you to do what you love while still being able to travel and visit your family.”

I watched Mr. Carter walk away, leaving me in the spot he dragged me in. I know something like this was something a younger Jamie dreamt about in law school. The nights that he spent studying for the BAR exam, missing important family events and even missing my own father’s funeral due to law school… this would make everything I worked so hard for worth it.

Before I was able to get any further with the thought, I notice Grace walking out of the bathroom at the corner of the ballroom. Aigoo, Grace!

I walked in between crowds of mingling people and tables to finally catch up to Grace. “Jagiya,” I smiled as I said. She turned around, seeming shocked to see me standing there. She looked physically ill. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Grace quickly dismissed. “Just… I had to use the bathroom.” I left it alone, not wanting to discuss the Singapore position just yet. Besides, it was easy to put it in the backburner when I noticed just how pale Grace was looking.

“Seriously, are you feeling okay? You’re super pale.” Before I was able to put my hand on her forehead, she slapped it away, growing annoyed with me.

“I said I was fine!” she spat back. I scrunched my brows together, upset that Grace was taking this route once again; the route where she’ll hide how she feels instead of swallowing her pride and ask for help. The last time Grace was this secretive about something was all those years ago, around the time she was struggling with her body taking on the dancer’s routine as an adult. I couldn’t help myself; I needed to know if this was more than just Grace having a bad day, or if it was a coincidence that she ran to the bathroom right after she began eating her food.

“You’re not throwing up your food again, right?” I bluntly asked.

“What?”

“Ya,” I was growing angry. It was beginning to feel like the first time all over again. “Don’t lie to me, Grace. Are you eating and throwing it up in the bathroom?”

“Are you being fucking serious right now, Jamie?”

“Answer the question.” I looked down at Grace, trying to not completely flip out on her.

“No.”

“You’re telling me the truth?”

“Fuck you, Jamie!” she spat out loud, tears clearly forming in her eyes. “How dare you ask me if I’m lying about something like that!”

“What the fuck am I suppose to think?! You barely ate your food, and when I told you to eat a couple of bites of the fish, you go running to the bathroom. This is exactly how it was a couple of years ago–“

“Fuck you for comparing me to a version of myself that was young, naive, and broken,” Grace yelled out. Broken. I totally forgot that was around the time that I had left overseas to go back home after–

Then, it happened. I squeezed by eyes shut, feeling puke on top of my dress shoes. The tables nearest to us fled the scene, and all that was there was just me and her, standing in the middle of the ballroom arguing about things we promised we’d never argue about.

…

I opened the apartment door with a shopping bag in my hand with all of the essentials to help Grace feel better. I dropped the keys in the usual bowl near the door, and looked around the empty living room with grace nowhere inn sight.

“Jagiya?” I called out, wondering where she could’ve went. Maybe she went to sleep after her shower. Maybe she’s just lying down and getting some rest now. In the midst of all the thoughts roaming through my mind, I placed the shopping bag on top of the small kitchen table, hearing something drop to the ground. I look down and mindlessly picking it up, not realizing that what I was looking at answered all of the questions I had for Grace earlier tonight.

I looked at the white stick with the word ‘pregnant’ written across the tiny screen.

I immediately knew where Grace was. I slowly pulled the curtain from the living room window, seeing Grace sit on the fire escape with a ginger ale in her hand. She didn’t turn her head to look at me. It’s like she said all she needed to say leaving that on the table.

“Grace,” I gently said, skipping the pet names and sweet nothings I usually call her by. “I’m sorry for acting the way I did tonight—”Before I could say anything else, she begins to indirectly talk at me.

“I found out in Italy,” she began to explain. “I knew something felt off while I was there. I just didn’t think this would be it of all things.” She finally turned her head toward me, looking at me with concern in her eyes. “I was horrified; being in a foreign country not knowing what to do.” I began climbing out the window and onto the fire escape, next to Grace.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I was scared to.” Those were some of the most heartbreaking words to hear from Grace. I looked at her, not knowing whether to be mad or sad at Grace. I was mad she felt the need to hide something like this until she couldn’t anymore, knowing what she knew. I was sad because we worked so hard to trust each other enough to have these discussions. It feels like we’ve taken almost a year’s worth of progress and threw it out when things got serious. I was sad she didn’t think of this as something exciting to share with me.

“Scared of what?” I pleaded, wanting nothing more than to understand her. She took a moment to think, as she was trying to search for the answers in my eyes. What are you so scared of?

“History repeating itself,” she began to say. “Having this happen and you end up having to leave again.”

“Aigoo,” I reacted, shifting my body to face Grace. “You are not giving us enough credit, and I don’t like that.”

“Credit?” She spat back. “What credit?”

“That we are now completely different people with better heads on our shoulders. Grace, you can’t cut our future short not knowing how amazing things can go.” She looked at me perplexed. Her thoughts were transparent on her head at that point. “Mr. Carter offered me the managerial position for the new International Division in Singapore.”

“Singapore?” Grace asked, worry in her voice. I nodded my head slowly before sighing.

“It was once a dream of mine to be recognized on that level as a lawyer; in that brief moment I thought I was finally getting what I worked so hard for this past year.” I could see Grace about to freak out at any moment, which meant I needed to explain myself quicker. “I declined the offer.”

“What? Jamie, that position is a big deal,” Grace debated. “For them to see your full potential in just a year is such a big deal—”

“That wasn’t a part of my 5-year plan for the future,” I admitted. “I wouldn’t have left my firm in Korea to come back to New York if that position was something I wanted for my future.” I pulled out the white stick from my pocket, holding it in my hand. “You are my future, Grace.” She didn’t say anything after that. She simply looked down at the palm of her hands to see the pregnancy test facing upwards with the tiny screen showing.

“Am I really?”

“That isn’t even in question,” I scoffed. “Let me remind you that I came back to be with you. Getting the job at this firm was just a nice add-on.”

“But this is your career we’re talking about,” Grace continued to debate with me. “I can’t let you settle for–“

“Settle?” I said as I chuckled briefly. “How can I settle if I already have everything I ever wanted for me?” I smiled at Grace, hoping she was able to see the picture as clear as I was. “There’s nothing to be scared of this time, Grace. I’m here. You got me.” I continued to smile at Grace, unable to keep my emotions at bay. She looked back down at the test, smiling at it. I couldn’t help but feel even happier for Grace in this moment. This is our time, jagiya.

She looked up at me and smiled softly. “I should’ve told you sooner. I was just afraid this wouldn’t be something you wanted.”

“Jinja? Really?” I asked, truly shocked. When Grace didn’t answer, it was my confirmation that she truly believed what she thought. “I know it must’ve been hard to bring up, especially since our history said otherwise. But, it’s called our history for a reason. It’s the reason why we get to try to build our future again, because that never changed. I’ve always wanted you to be the person I build it with.”

To my surprise, Grace kisses my lips softly, cupping my jawline with her hand. My body went warm; getting that giddy feeling knowing that Grace wanted the same things I did for us, and that in this timeline; we were finally ready to build on it.

“We’re having a baby,” Grace whispered to me, smiling as she did. I couldn’t help but smile even bigger, seeing Grace excited for this chapter of our lives.

“We are, jagiya,” I answered, kissing her forehead softly, looking out toward the city on our fire escape.

In Korea, the legal age when a person is officially considered an adult is 20. Being the youngest and only son in my family, my father considered me becoming an adult a big deal.

He was the one that took me out to the bar for the first time, and told me what beer to order at the counter. My father wasn’t a big drinker, but I could tell this father and son moment was something that he anticipated. At the time, I didn’t see the importance of it. I couldn’t understand that this was his last child, and his only son, becoming a man now. At times, I think back and wish I cherish that moment more with him, knowing what I know now and going through my first experience of becoming a father myself.

Needless to say, it meant a lot to me to talk to Grace’s parents beforehand; before asking her to marry me.

…

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay traveling to Brooklyn with Willow by yourself?” I asked Grace as she packed a bag on the kitchen counter. She turned around and smiled at me, placing her hands on my chest.

“Babe, I’m going to be just fine,” she reassured me as she wrapped her arms around my body. “Em and Cami literally live off of the Brooklyn Bridge; it’s like pre-Manhattan.” I still wasn’t convinced. We had just found out Maki was a girl at Grace’s appointment a couple of weeks ago, and every time she needed to go out and do something, I was now worried about the safety of both Grace and our little girl. I didn’t want Grace to feel like I was tracking her every move, but I also didn’t want to have the thought that something bad could happen to her when I’m not around.

“Call a cab.”

“Cabs are expensive.”

“Grace,” I sternly said looking down at her now. She rolled her eyes, letting go of me.

“Jamie, we discussed this,” Grace said as she walked away from me, toward her bag. “I’ve been a New Yorker longer than you have–“

“But you’ve never traveled to Brooklyn by yourself, pregnant, and with a 6-year old little girl,” I emphasized, crossing my arms along my chest. Grace scrunched her eyebrows, now seeming annoyed.

“You know I can’t be taking cabs and wait whenever you’re available to drive me to the places I needed to be, Jamie. Plus, Willow needs to learn how to take the subway–“

“She’s 6; she’s not gonna ride the subway alone for a long time.” Grace didn’t say anything after that, which meant that I won today’s pit-and-pat discussion. “I just want all of my girls to be safe.” Grace smiled after a sigh of defeat.

“Willow,” Grace called out. I turned around to see the little girl walk out of her room, seeming a little annoyed. “We’re gonna go to Susie’s house for the day–“

“Susie has her own room; why can’t I have one?” I looked at Grace, waiting for her to say something.

“We went over this already, Willow; we don’t have an extra room for Maki when she gets here–“

“But it’s my room,” Willow huffed. “I don’t want the new baby in my room.”

“Sisters are supposed to share a room–“

“So why don’t Susie and Carmen share one?” I looked back up at Grace, waiting for her to answer this trivial question. I could tell Grace was losing her patience at this point.

“Hey, Willow Bean?” I intervened, getting down to her level. “Is it okay if we have this discussion after your day out with Mama?” I put my pinky finger up, initiating a promise to the young girl. It took her awhile to budge. “I promise.” Willow hesitated at first, but ultimately pinky promised me. She walked off, grabbing her bag from the couch. “That’s my girl.” She doesn’t look back at us, she simply walks towards the front door.

I kissed Grace goodbye, giving her her purse. “Love you; call me when you get there, jagiya. And please, don’t forget to do so this time.”

“Okay, dad,” she sarcastically said, walking out the door. Just practicing for my next role of life.

…

Grace’s parents were not your traditional couple, but if there was one thing that Grace told me, it was that her parents were meant to be together. She explained how they met in high school, and dated for a couple of years before losing contact in college. After reconnecting through mutual friends, they began to date again, and it wasn’t long after that they had Grace. Her relationship with her mother was estrange for the first 17 years of Grace’s life, and has always been up and down due to their clashing, strong personalities.

If telling her father was scary, imagine asking her mother the big question.

I finally got to the Ashmore residence, letting out a deep breath before ringing their bell.

“Who is it?” A woman’s voice said.

“Jamie,” I answered. Soon after, the door opens to the apartment lobby; one step closer to me finally being able to let this off my chest. I get to the front door of their apartment and immediately start shaking out my hands.

“Ya, Jaemin, jin-jeong-hae,” I said to myself to calm down. I ring their doorbell, and Grace’s father, Weston, answers the door.

“Jamie,” he said, welcoming me into their apartment. I smiled and this time remembered not to bow to them. I can hear Grace’s voice scolding me not to do it.

“Hi, Mr. Ashmore,” I greeted. Grace’s mother, Mollie, walks out of the kitchen with a worried look on her face. “Hi, Mrs. Ashmore–“

“Is Grace okay?” she immediately asked me.

“Mollie, the kid just walked in,” her father said. I nervously rubbed the back of my neck, feeling my face get hot.

“Grace is fine; she’s with Willow on a playdate with Emerson and Camilla’s daughters at their house for the day.” I see Mollie let out a sigh of relief.

“I just didn’t think you’d be coming alone,” Mrs. Ashmore commented, finally pulling me into a hug. I take a seat across from Mr. Ashmore as Mrs. Ashmore sat on the armrest next to her husband. “But of course, we’re glad you came for a visit.”

“Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Ashmore.”

“Please, call me Mollie,” Mollie insisted. “Don’t give him a bigger head than he already has; you can call him by his first name.” Weston looked up at his wife, giving her a look. She immediately returns it back to him. So this is what years of marriage look like on a couple. I start fidgeting with my fingers, letting out a deep breath followed with a smile.

“I wanted to make a visit before Mrs.–Mollie goes back for the production.” I explained, trying to stay focused on the task.

“Trust me, I’m not looking forward to that plane ride back,” Mollie commented. “I’m just hoping that Grace doesn’t pop out Maki while I’m away.” My eyes widen, surprised. Weston immediately noticed the look.

“Something tells me we weren’t supposed to know the name and sex of the baby,” Weston laughed off.

“Fuck,” Mollie said and immediately covered her mouth. “Don’t blame Grace; I sorta kinda made her tell me.”

“You mean you pressured her,” Weston admitted. “All she had to do was cry in front of Grace and make her feel guilty.”

“All I did was show her the blanket I’m crocheting!” Mollie spat back, hitting Weston’s arm. “All she said was, ‘oh-my-god, she’s gonna love it’, and then well she couldn’t just tell me the sex without telling me her name!” I laugh along, not expecting Grace to keep secrets like this from her parents.

“It’s okay,” I reassured her parents. “I understand her excitement to share all of the big news about Maki.”

“And she’s remembering to eat and rest, right?” Mollie asked. I looked at her, seeing the concern in her eyes.

“Rest assured, I am making sure she does,” I firmly answered, relieving some of that stress from her mother. Grace would talk about how her mother has been “on her case” about these things, not understanding the sudden concern. I don’t argue with her, but despite how their relationship as mother and daughter went, Mollie is Grace’s mother, and mothers will always worry about their children.

Mollie gets up from the armrest. “Do you guys want anything to drink? Water, juice, coffee?”

“I’ll take a coffee, Mrs–Mollie; thank you,” I answered, trying to get used to calling her parents by their first names.

“I’ll take coffee as well,” Weston said as Mollie walked to the kitchen. There was a moment of silence between me and her father. God, maybe I should’ve been more prepared to talk to her father.

“You and Mollie have a beautiful space,” I said, trying to start up a conversation. Her parents’ place was a 3 bedroom apartment in the Lenox Hill area, not too far from Central Park. Whenever Grace and I spent the night here, we would stay in the guest room, or the “unofficial closet of Mollie’s dance attire. Seriously, it felt like sleeping in a museum exhibit.

“This was all Mollie’s doing,” Weston mentioned, looking around the living room area. “When I first moved to New York while Grace was in college, Mollie came over and said she felt like she was visiting someone’s hotel room rather than someone’s home. Little by little, she started moving in her things in here like pictures and home decor.” I nodded as I looked on the coffee table display, noticing a picture of Grace as a baby. I couldn’t help but smile. Ahh, jagiya as an agi.

“Grace is big with pictures too,” I said, picking up the baby photo of Grace. “This is one she hasn’t shown me though.”

“That was one that Mollie specifically put up,” Weston said. “The one she kept with her for years.” I smiled, placing the photo frame back down on the table. Undoubtedly, Grace’s parents loved her. Sure, Grace carries her past heavy, and it’s taken patience to understand and accept that she fights with that despite how good things are for her now. All I can do is make sure that Grace is loved now, in the present day, and for the rest of her life; as long as I’m here to do so.

Mollie comes back with the coffee for Weston and I. I thank her as I place the mug on top of a coaster on the coffee table. I cleared my throat before I spoke. This is it, Jaemin-ah.

“I wanted to come over and talk about something with you both,” I began to say, beginning to feel nervous. Mollie suddenly shifts in her seat next to Weston. “Uhm, uh–“

“Oh god, don’t tell me you and Grace are breaking up,” Mollie said out loud.

“Oh! No, no–”

“Geez Mollie, you’re making the kid nervous!”

“Look at his face, he looks like he’s about to puke–“

“Mr. and Mrs. Ashmore,” I intervened. Both her parents looked back at me. “I mean… Weston, Mollie. Grace and I are not breaking up. Far from it, actually.” I realized that the longer I dragged this out, the more time I gave Mollie to think of the absolute worst. Just speak from your heart. That’s the easy part.

I sat up straight, looking at Grace’s parents looking back at me. Before I can say anything, Mollie’s eyes widen.

“Are you and Grace getting married?!” she asked. Aigoo. I don’t say anything quick enough for Mollie to squeal in excitement. She quickly covered her mouth, keeping in the sound. I looked over at Weston, whose face depicts the opposite of Mollie.

“Mol,” Weston finally said, turning his face to his wife. “Can you give Jamie and I a minute?”

“Don’t scare the poor kid, Wes–“

“Mollie.” She looked at him, and the smile vanished from her face. She swallowed hard before looking at me, giving a smile of reassurance. Mollie walked out of the living room, closing the door behind her.

There was this uncomfortable silence between Weston and me. The air was thick, so it felt like the silence was choking me. I cleared my throat as I looked over at Weston. He picked up the baby picture of Grace from the coffee table, smiling down at it as he placed his fingers over the glass.

“The night Grace was born, Mollie and I were back in our small apartment in Brooklyn. It was my 25th birthday. We watched Halloween movies all night; she compromised watching some of my favorite thrillers.” He smiled as he spoke. “Grace was born around 11 o’clock that night. I was a nervous wreck in that hospital room. Mollie had to undergo an emergency surgery after Grace was born, so the doctors insisted I did skin-to-skin with Grace. I was the first person to ever hold her, look at her…my entire life changed in that moment.” Weston looked up at me. “You’ll understand when you hold your daughter for the first time.”

Weston doesn’t know just how many times I’ve had that dream at night, anticipating for Maki’s arrival.

“It was always me and Grace. She may not fully understand it, but my life became hers once she came into the world. As she got older, she definitely tested my limits with the decisions she made, simply because she was so much like her mother… the parts I didn’t understand about Grace. But I always think back to that first moment. Seeing her for the first time and in that moment devoting my life to protect her as best as I can. I just wanted Grace to be happy. That was something I always wanted for Grace.”

“Me too,” I said. I tried to gather my words and put them in sentences that made sense. How can I put everything that I’ve worked for the last year and half in words? “I have two older sisters, and only my oldest sister had the privilege to have our father give away her hand in marriage. He passed away a couple of years after, and understand just how important his role was in the family, especially now that I’m preparing to take on that role in my own little family.” Weston nodded his head agreeing with me.

“You will also dread this exact moment,” Weston laughed as he joked, fighting back tears. “The moment you let your little girl’s hand go.” I tightly smiled, empathetic to his feelings.

“Mr. Ashmore,” I began to say in a more serious tone. “I am undoubtedly in love with your daughter. That’s something that never changed despite our history. I still remember meeting her for the first time, and something about her captivated me. I knew that one day things would work in our favor, and that today would eventually happen because, I knew she was the one.” I let our a deep breath, feeling relief letting those words out. “Which is why it was so important to come here and ask you for your daughter’s hand in marriage.”

“You understand my hesitation, right?” Weston asked. I nodded, noting Grace’s past engagement.

“Absolutely,” I answered, not breaking eye contact with him. I was growing worried now, thinking Weston was going to say no. I mean, of course he would be questionable; he’s probably had this exact moment the first time; it’s pretty much the same thing! Grace is pregnant, now the man wants to marry her?! I would tell Maki ‘absolutely not’ if it was me–

“I’m always going to worry about Grace. She’ll always be my little girl.” He swallowed hard before clearing his throat. “But, I know she’s in good hands with you… Right, Mollie?” Weston called out. Mollie opens the cracked door of the room open, squealing in excitement.

“Please tell me you brought the ring to show us!” Mollie said, walking toward us and sat next to Weston. I laughed, digging in my jacket pocket to pull out a small box. I opened it, revealing the engagement ring to Grace’s parents.

…

I hear Grace’s keys jingling outside of our apartment door before opening it. I turned around to greet the girls until Willow stomped into the apartment all angry.

“Willow?” I said before she slammed her door shut. Grace walked in, looking just as pissed as Willow.

“You better go and talk to her, Jamie,” Grace demanded.

“What’s wrong with Willow?”

“I swear she’s 6 going on 16,” Grace said, dropping her purse on the island countertop and ripping her jacket off. “She had a whole tantrum at Em and Cami’s when Susie showed Willow her room, which was decorated to fit a little girl’s dream–“

“Is she–“

“Of course she’s still upset about the room!” Grace spat out. “And now she’s going to hate me because I can’t give her her own room and I just–” Aigoo, here come the tears.

“Jagiya,” I pulled her in for a hug. Comforting Grace has become a weekly occurrence these days, especially the more restricting her pregnancy has made things. “She’s not going to hate you.”

“I just don’t want her to think I favor Maki more than her or make her feel like the black sheep in the family,” Grace expressed out loud.

I placed my hands on her shoulders, looking at her in the eyes now. “She’s not going to think that, jagiya. Let me go and talk to her, okay?” She simply nodded her head. I kissed her forehead, walking towards Willow’s room.

I knocked on the door. “Willow Bean?” I cracked the door open, taking a glimpse inside the room. “Willow?”

“Leave me alone,” a muffled voice said. I opened the door, walking toward Willow whose faced down on her pillow.

“Can we talk?” She doesn’t answer right away. “Willow Bean?” She turns around to face me, eyes puffy and red from crying. “Ya“, I said, reaching for a tissue on Willow’s nightstand. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to share my room with the new baby,” Willow pouted as she said. “This is my room. All of my stuff is in my room.” I nodded as I listened to her.

“Why don’t you want to share your room?”

“Because this is my room,” she emphasized. “It has always been my room.”

“You’re right; this has always been your room,” I started to say. “But where will Maki sleep?” Willow shrugged her shoulders up, not really caring. Well said, Willow Bean.

“She can sleep outside,” Willow answered. Don’t laugh, Jaemin-ah. I gathered myself together before I kneel down on the ground before her.

“But you’re her big sister,” I started to explain. “She’s going to see you as the coolest person in the world.”

Willow’s eyes widen in shock. “Really?” I smiled as I nodded.

“Really. You know Aunt Lia wanted to be like Aunt Mina when they were your age. Sometimes, Aunt Mina was annoyed at her little sister, but she didn’t know Aunt Lia was following her because she looked up to her.

“Did they share a room?” I nodded my head.

“Ne, majayo; they did. Now they like to spend all of their time together and are now super close because they are sisters. But, it took some time.” Willow shifted in her seat, kicking her feet out along her bed to now face me.

“What if she doesn’t like me?” Willow asked with her head down, looking at her hands.

“Ya, Willow Bean,” I lowered my head until she saw me looking at her. “Maki is going to love you because she has you as her big sister.”

“Can I still have my stuff in my room?” I smiled, nodding my head.

“All of your stuff,” I answered. “But, Maki is going to have to have her stuff in here too.” Willow looked up in he direction that the empty crib is on the other side of the room. “Is that okay if Maki has her stuff in here too?”

“Only if she doesn’t touch my stuff,” Willow demanded. I laughed, getting up from the ground of Willow’s room.

“I’ll tell Maki for you,” I began to say. “Come on, Mama’s waiting for you to take your bath before bed.” Willow walks over to her dresser and opens up one of the drawers. I turned around, facing the doorframe of Willow’s room. Standing there is Grace, now with a huge smile on her face.