Category: The Something Series: 뭔가 다른 것

I’ve hid my mental health for most of my life, and working was the only way to navigate the messiness of it when it flared up. I never spoke about my declining mental health to anyone; it was something that was never brought up in conversation. Instead, conversations were always about surface-level topics; ‘what were we planning for the weekend’ or ‘how is the family doing’ and then go back to our regular lives. It was extremely worrying while I was in law school; only Shawn and Kevin were the only ones that knew how much I was struggling. It was at its worst when my father passed away, yet I had to be emotionally available for my family, now being the only man in it. Since then it’s been difficult for me to allow people in; to some extent with Grace as well.

Things have been rather quiet between Grace and I since our falling out last week. I definitely felt like I was walking on eggshells around her, worried that I was going to do or say something wrong. She carried on her days as normal, avoiding any conflict with me by simply not engaging in anything conflict based. I hated how we’ve become this couple, especially how close we were to Maki’s arrival.

…

“Hyung, it doesn’t work like that,” Kevin argued, sighing as Shawn readjusted himself in his seat.

“Yes it does! How are you going to tell me that the story was originally going to be one thing, and then all of a sudden, it changes! It’s a beloved series and the creator can’t just recon the plot!” Shawn slammed his hand on the table, making the glasses on top rattle in place.

“Ya,” I said, holding the bridge of my nose. “You’re going to knock over the glasses trying to prove a worthless point.”

“Ouch,” Shawn replied, sitting back in his seat. “Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, sighing. “I have a lot going on right now… I didn’t mean to be rude–“

“I get it,” Shawn began to say. “You have a terrible way of handling stress.”

“Is this about the engagement party?” Kevin asked me. That was the other thing: Grace and I were planning an engagement party barely on speaking terms, and the party was this coming Saturday.

“That and everything else going on.” I looked at Shawn and Kevin; the two people in my life who were more like my brothers than best friends. I confined in them during law school when things were getting bad; what made this time any different? “My head hasn’t been… well.“

“Mwo? Are you sick?” Kevin asked.

“No,” I sighed as I said. “I am having a hard time dealing with things lately to the point that I’m not doing well…mentally.” The guys didn’t immediately say anything, which was pretty normal. It was something that we didn’t talk about and haven’t talked about since law school. “Grace and I are not on good terms.”

“Hyung, what do you mean you’re not on good terms? You’re engaged,” Kevin pointed out. “You’re also having a baby together–“

“I know, Kevin,” I spat out, not wanting to hear all of the things that make this feel even worse than it already does. I looked at Shawn, who’s staying uncharacteristically quiet. “What?” I asked Shawn.

“Nothing.”

“Ya, malhae bwa,” I said to Shawn, telling him to spit it out already. “What is it?”

“I promised Sky I wouldn’t say anything–“

“Say what? What happened?” If there was one thing about Shawn it’s that he’s loyal to the ones he loves; his wife was of course on top of the list. “Did Sky say something?”

“No, Grace did,” he confessed. “When Sky saw me in the kitchen, she made me promise not to say anything–” Before Shawn was even able to finish his sentence, I grabbed him my the collar of his shirt into a fist.

“This is my life we’re talking about. My future wife, the soon-to-be mother of my child. I don’t give a fuck if you promised your wife to not say anything about my life.” Shawn looked terrified, and Kevin tried his best to separate both Shawn and me. I finally let him go as Kevin successfully got in between us.

“We are out in public,” Kevin scolded me. I kept staring at Shawn, feeling my blood boil the longer he stood shut.

Shawn straightened himself out before he said anything. “It is not my place, nor is it my business. How about you go and talk to Grace to figure it out?”

“How? She barely says anything to me when we’re home!” I yelled out. Kevin turned back around to face me.

“Hyung!” Kevin warned me.

“Sky recommended Grace to try couples therapy,” Shawn finally blurred out loud.

“Couples therapy?” I asked. The only knowledge I had about couples therapy was through pop culture, and even then most sessions depicted the women getting even angrier than when they first got there. “Why would Sky tell Grace to do couples therapy?”

“That I don’t know, but maybe Grace said something that was alarming to Sky.” It nearly killed me knowing that Grace was telling Skylar things that made her suggest something like couples therapy to her. Couples that resorted to therapy were only there because they were not able to resolve their issues on their own. What could have Grace possibly said to Sky that prompted that response? “Maybe you should try it.”

“For what? Grace and I don’t need couples therapy,” I protested. “We are just going through a rough patch in our relationship–“

“You and Grace don’t have rough patches, Hyung,” Kevin debated. “Your rough patches are catastrophic.” I looked at Kevin, hating the fact that there was some truth behind that.

“Besides,” Shawn intervened. “Maybe you’ll also feel better going to therapy. Sky has been going to therapy for the last couple of months and I can totally see the change in her well-being. Being in therapy here isn’t as jarring of a concept as it is back home.”

“Do you go to therapy?” I asked Shawn. He didn’t answer right away. “You don’t.”

“Sky’s issues were not about our relationship; yours are.” Again, I hate when Shawn is right. “I would hate to see things go bad for you and Grace after everything you guys been through.”

“I second that,” Kevin agreed. “Plus… we don’t want to see you go back to the place you were in at law school. That was tough for all of us.” I looked at both Shawn and Kevin, understanding where they were coming from. I remember those days; the drunken, depressed days locked in my dorm room, unable to juggle the many emotions I was experiencing.

…

That night, Grace and I sat at the kitchen table, eating Chinese take out for dinner. Nothing was said; Grace sat there and ate her food scrolling on her phone. The silence was killing me.

I slowly placed my hand over Grace’s phone screen. She quickly looked up at me. I let out a deep breath, trying to center my words.

“I think couples therapy would be helpful for us,” I said loud. Grace closed her lips tightly before sighing. Her silence will be the death of me–

“I’m gonna kill Shawn before Sky gets to him,” she responded.

…

My leg bounced in place as I sat next to Grace in the waiting room. I looked around the other couples in the room; some were definitely younger than Grace and I, and surprisingly some were older. Grace placed her hand on my lap, prompting me to stop. I looked at her as she gave me a tight smile. It wasn’t words, but I’d take her expression as reassurance.

“Mr. and Mrs. Kim?” One of the assistants opened the door leading to the rooms in the back. Aigoo. She signed us up under my name. Grace and I stood up and followed the assistant to a room where a lady stood and greeted us.

“Hi, welcome,” she smiled as she said. “Please make yourselves comfortable.” Grace sat closest to the therapist and sat right next to her on the couch, holding my knees with my hands. “I’m Dr. Briggs, but you may call me Kerri.” Grace smiled at Kerri, holding her belly as she adjusted her seat. I could hear my heart pounding from my chest.

“I’m Grace, and this is my fiancé, Jamie,” Grace introduced us.

“Oh! Well much congratulations are in order,” Kerri mentioned, looking at Grace’s belly. “Couples therapy isn’t just for older, married couples these days so I commend you both for agreeing to come today.” She pulls out her notebook and pen, giving us her undivided attention. “Let’s start with some basics on your relationship. How did you two meet?”

“We met a couple of years ago while Jamie was on a business trip,” Grace began to explain. She smiled as she recalled the beginning of our relationship, but took a deep breath when things got complicated. “We are in a better place now to handle some of the issues we couldn’t resolve when we were younger.”

Kerri nodded her head, then looked at me. “Would you like to add anything, Jamie?”

“Uhm, uh–” I coughed, as my mouth was extremely dry. I feel like I’m embarrassing Grace right now.

“Take your time, I know it can be difficult to open up about something so sacred,” Kerri reassured me. She smiled before leaning in her seat. “Is it hard for you to talk about sensitive topics?” I looked at Grace; she had this look on her face that was comforting. It was like she was telling me it was okay to open up. She wants me to open up for the sake of our relationship.

“I’m not from America,” I began to say. “I grew up in a culture where it wasn’t common for people to openly discuss topics like this.”

“Topics like what?”

“Mental health,” I finally said out loud. “I come from a family where we never spoke about these things openly to each other, so it’s been a challenge adjusting to the change now.” The more I spoke, the more comfortable I felt talking. This room was a safe space and no one would judge me for feeling the way I do. I looked at Grace, who has a perplexed look on her face.

Kerri immediately caught it. “How do you feel hearing Jamie say that, Grace?”

“A bit surprised,” Grace answered, rubbing that side of her belly again whenever she felt stressed or overwhelmed. “Jamie has never expressed that to me.” She looked at me now, speaking to me for the first time since we had that argument. “You could’ve told me that you were struggling.” Before I could answer back, Kerri interrupted. I wish she didn’t need to be in the room now that Grace was talking to me.

“How do you guys come to resolutions normally?” Kerri asked me. That was actually a good question.

“If Grace is upset at something that I done or said, I would apologize and take her feelings into consideration,” I answered. Kerri nodded her head, deep in thought.

“In these situations, do you ever feel like Grace holds herself accountable for the things she does or says that upsets you?”

“Yeah–“

“Who’s first to say sorry?” Kerri asked the both of us. “Raise your hand if you are the person that initiates the conversation after a disagreement or a fight.” I could sense Grace slowly turning her head in my direction as I slowly raised my hand. “Do you feel that’s true, Grace?”

“To some extent,” Grace spat out.

“Grace,” I said to her.

“You apologize only after you say some absolute, horrific thing that you probably believe is true–“

“I do not–“

“Whoa, whoa; step on the breaks,” Kerri intervened once again. “Let’s hear what Grace has to say before we react.” This is beginning to feel like a one-sided battle.

“I am the director and owner of a dance academy, and we just had our inspection of the building not too long ago. The building passed the inspection, but I wanted to move the space for awhile now, and decided to not renew the lease to the academy–“

“For awhile?” I repeated, now just learning of this information. “And–“

“Jamie,” Kerri scolded. “Let Grace finish.” I swallowed hard, feeling my face get hot.

“Jamie was upset that I didn’t discuss this with him first, but this is my business that I am responsible for, and–” Grace fidgeted with her fingers, clearly becoming uncomfortable now. “He accused me of choosing my career over my family.”

Kerri turned her head toward me. How the hell am I suppose to explain this to someone we just met 10 minutes ago? “How do you feel hearing Grace say that out loud?”

“Exposed–“

“Exposed?” Grace turned her head, seeming upset.

“Grace,” Kerri was now scolding her. “It’s Jamie’s turn to speak.” I guess this isn’t as one-sided as I thought it would be. “What prompted you to tell Grace she was choosing her career over her family? Was that something she has done in the past?” Kerri was cut-throat, needless to say.

I don’t immediately answer Kerri’s question. She nodded her head now looking over at Grace. Grace let out a deep breath, rubbing the side of her belly. Aigoo, maybe this was a bad idea.

“I have an older daughter with a different man that accused me of choosing my career over my family. I did. I was young and I didn’t know any better and–” Grace immediately reached over the table for some tissue. I rubbed the top of her leg to comfort her. It seemed to work, as she finally let out a deep breath before she continued speaking. “My mother chose her career over her family. She’s back in my life now as an adult, but I wonder if things would’ve been different if she came back when I was a kid… when I was too young to understand what was happening.”

“It’s a valid thought to have,” Kerri commented. “We grow up not wanting to become the people that hurt us the most, and we avoid it to the point that we unknowingly become those people.” Grace wiped her eyes with the tissue.

“Grace has been a huge part of her daughter’s life, despite what she may believe,” I defended her. Kerri was looking at me now, which made me nervous.

“Did you mean to say that she was choosing her career over her family this time?” she asked.

“I was angry, and I shouldn’t have said what I said–“

“But surely you must’ve felt like she was when you said it.” I looked at Kerri, becoming annoyed on how hard she was pushing this agenda.

“In that moment, it felt like she was making her career precedence.” I didn’t dare look at Grace, feeling like she was now giving me the death stare for saying what I said.

“Grace?” Kerri said, looking at her. “What comes up when you hear Jamie say that?”

“It’s upsetting,” she answered, wiping her face with the tissue. “It’s something I’m constantly judging myself for doing with my first daughter, and to hear the person I love confirm these thoughts make them feel even more real.” I felt horrible making Grace feel that way, especially so far along in her pregnancy. How could she confine in me when I am confirming her worst fears? “I mean sure, I didn’t sacrifice my entire life to be here, or to make this relationship work.” I turned my head to Grace. Sacrifice.

Kerri nodded her head. “What sacrifices has Jamie made for this relationship?”

“His entire life was in Korea; his job, lifestyle, family…” Grace took a deep breath before finishing. “Sometimes, I feel like Jamie’s sacrifices are what drives him to make decisions about our life without consulting me.”

“That’s not true–“

“Jamie,” Kerri warned me.

“I have to at least defend myself–“

“Defend?” Grace repeated, now looking at me.

“My decision to sacrifice my life back home does not equate to my decisions meaning more than yours–“

“It feels like it, Jamie!”

“How many times do I have to say that they don’t!” Before Grace and I continued to argue, Kerri blows a whistle, scaring the both of us into silence.

“Before this escalates, let me redirect your focus for a bit.” Kerri sighed before she continued to speak. “I see many couples come through that door on the brink of divorce, hoping that this will salvage their marriage in any way it can. You are not that couple.” Kerri smiles before she leans forward in her seat. “What I see are two people who are so much in love with each other, but are afraid to let their guards down because this is some what of unexplored territory for the both of you. Even when the conversations get tough, you are still rubbing each other on the shoulder for support. Most of my clients can’t even sit on the same couch as each other.” I looked at Grace as she kept her eyes on Kerri as she spoke. Kerri tightly smiled and points at me. “Jamie has had his eyes on you this entire time, Grace.” Grace finally looked at me and smiled slightly.

I wanted this to work out. It had to work out, after everything Grace and I have gone through. These should be the most exciting times for us, and we are both unknowingly making them the most challenging times. Making the decision to leave Korea was my choice, regardless whether or not Grace wanted the same things as me. It just so happen she did, and here we are now nearly two years later, engaged, with Maki on the way. I just want the best for all of us, and I know Grace does too.

“Jamie,” Kerri said to me, which snapped me out of my thought. “Have you considered that perhaps Grace made this decision on behalf of both of you because it’s actually the better in the long run for the both of you?”

“She did mention that the space she was looking at was closer to family, considering our hands will be full when Maki arrives.” Grace smiled at me. It seemed like she was happy that I listened to what she said when she first told me. I was just so caught up thinking the absolute worst. “I said what I said out of fear that Grace didn’t want…this.”

“Of course I want this,” Grace said as she reached for my hand. “I want every up and every down that this journey has for us.” She let out a deep breath, swallowing hard. “I shouldn’t have said that you were only benefitting from our decisions. Clearly, we wouldn’t have made it if one of us didn’t want this.”

“This is good work,” Kerri commented. “How about we change perspectives about these life and career decisions by allowing each other to plead their case. What would you both get out of this decision being made? Are they ultimately catered to one person over the other?” Kerri looked at Grace, prompting her to start. “Grace, you go first.”

“Well,” Grace began to say, trying to get her words together. “The academy is a family-owned business. My aunt had the academy in that same space for decades, and it worked out for her vision but I wanted more out of the academy. The space I found for the academy would be closer to my parent’s house; that way if any emergencies occur in real life, someone is close by to the academy.”

“What made you not include Jamie in this decision?” Kerri asked.

“I didn’t want to overwhelm him with more things,” Grace answered. Aigoo, Grace. “He’s had so much on his plate with me, Maki, his own career… I truly thought this could’ve been something that I dealt with for the sake of our future after feeling like…”

I looked over at Grace. After feeling like what?

“… I haven’t been a part of the decisions regarding us. I allowed Jamie to make them because I was too afraid to tell him what I wanted.”

“Jagiya,” I finally called her by her pet name, gripping her hand in mine. “Tell me what you want.” All I wanted was for Grace to tell me what she wanted unapologetically. I just wanted to hear her say what she wants out loud not for validation, but just confirmation that in the end, she wants me just as much as I want her.

“I want to feel a part of the process,” Grace finally said. “This is truly my second chance at a life I knew I always wanted. I want my career, and I want my family. I want Willow, I want Maki, and I want you.” It felt euphoric to finally hear her say it out loud.

“And it’s okay to want both,” Kerri added. “It’s about balancing them out, and to be not afraid to ask for help with one when the other gets overwhelming.” Grace let out a deep breath, rubbing the top of her thighs with her hands. Kerri looks at me now. “The same goes for you too. Part of making things better for your relationship is to be openly honest about what you’re struggling with. You can only give so much to Grace if you’re not able to take care of yourself. It’s okay to not be okay; what’s not okay is pretending that it’s not.”

…

“Nonna, why wouldn’t you book the hotel before getting the plane ticket,” I said to the phone leaning on my shoulder as I start getting ready for class this afternoon. “We can’t house all of you in the apartment–” I hear the kettle on the stovetop ring, in which I ran out of the room to turn it up. “Mina, I know eomma doesn’t want to stay at the hotel but–” I shut my eyes tightly, feeling immensely stressed out. I look up to the ceiling before I looked back down, noticing Grace was now in the kitchen. “I have to go; I’ll call eomma later today; if not, tomorrow.” I hang up the phone and let out the deepest sigh. Grace walked to me and gently held my cheek with her hand.

“Jagiya–“

“Ya,” Grace interrupted, smiling. “You go to your class, and I’ll call Mina back.”

“You don’t have to–“

“Hey,” Grace scolded me, ultimately silencing me. “I got this.” She gave me a reassuring smile before she handed me my bag for work.

“Thank you,” I said, kissing her on her forehead.

“You what?” Grace asked, moving away from me on the bed. Her brows were scrunched together, livid to hear this confession come out. “Jamie.”

“I should’ve told you—”

“So let me get this straight,” Grace began to say, sitting up now with her hands pressed together. “You were so mad at me for not including you on a decision that has nothing to do with you, all while making this huge decision behind my back?”

“It wasn’t behind your back,” I quickly defended. “It was supposed to be a surprise.” Grace quickly got up from the bed, clearly wanting nothing to do with me in this moment. I sighed, getting out of the bed to follow her outside of the bedroom. “Jagiya—”

“Don’t.” She turned around and looked at me; her eyes mixed with both anger and hurt. “How could you go behind my back and secretly look at apartments without me? Why is it that it’s okay for you to make big decisions without consulting me, but when I do it, now my intentions are being questioned?”

“The decisions I make are for our future, Grace; not some fantasy that will only benefit myself,” I spat out, not realizing the severity of my words. Grace gasped, turning away and walking back into the bedroom to avoid talking to me. I was lucky that this was only an one bedroom apartment, and she wasn’t able to walk away too far from the discussion.

“Grace, wait—”

“I’m tired of you feeling like every decision you make has both of our best interests in mind when clearly they only benefit you.”

“Benefit me?” I yelled back. “How is trying to build a better future for us only benefitting myself?!”

“You made all of these decisions about our life when you were ready to make them! You decided to propose to me when you were ready! You decided we could have this baby when you were ready! You decided to leave your entire life behind when you were ready!”

“I left my life behind for you, Grace! What part of that don’t you understand?!” I was growing angrier the more we spoke about this. I could admit it was wrong for getting mad at her about the academy all while I was looking up apartments, but what bothered me is that she began to make it seem like I wanted this life for us more than she did.

“I never told you to leave your life behind for me, Jamie! You made that decision because you were ready to make that decision!” Grace’s eyes began to water looking at me, but she didn’t dare look away from me.

“Then tell me,” I began to say. “What do you want?”

“What?”

“What do you want, Grace? Because I’ll tell you what I want. I want to go to sleep and wake up next to you. I want to share a bathroom with you in the morning while I shave and you fix your hair. I want to run errands and explore the city with you no matter how mundane they are. I want to sit on the couch on a rainy night and watch all of the mindless, reality TV shows that you like with you. I want to start a family with you. I did everything that I did; leave my family, job, and life back in Korea because I want to be with you.” All I wanted was for Grace to tell me the same thing. I wanted to hear Grace simply say she wanted the same things with me; that she wants to build this life with me just as much as I wanted to build it with her.

Instead, she didn’t say anything. She just stood there, looking directly at me. She cleared her throat as she looked down at her belly, sniffling as if she was holding back tears.

She looked back up at me. “I’m going to Skylar’s.”

“Grace–“

“I need some space to breathe, Jamie. Please,” she pleaded, holding the side of her belly once more. I didn’t say anything else, knowing she needed this space for both herself, and our daughter.

She walked passed me, going into her closet and took out an overnight bag. I watched as she packed her things, feeling Grace slip through my fingers.

…

Shawn came over early the following morning, which I wasn’t surprised it actually wasn’t sooner considering the circumstances. I answered the door, and instead of saying something witty to greet me, he stood there uneasy.

“Hey, Shawn,” I said, letting him enter the apartment.

He sighed as a response. “What happened, hyung?”

“Is she okay?” I ignored his question, needing to know how Grace was doing. “Is she and Maki okay?”

“Grace is fine,” Shawn answered, sitting at the kitchen table. I sat in the seat across from him. “She was really upset when she got to us last night though.”

“Aigoo,” I said, holding my head with my hands.

“I don’t want to make you feel even worse–“

“Then don’t,” I spat out.

“No, Jamie.” I looked up at Shawn, reacting to the way he said my name. “Grace is about to have your kid any day now. You can’t just turn back and let her leave like last time.”

“I told her everything that I wanted for us, Shawn. I told her countless times that I was here to be with her, and—” I let out a deep breath before I continued. “She never told me if she wanted those things too.” I looked up at Shawn, trying to piece together everything that happened yesterday. “What if she really is choosing her career over me? What if I came back too late? What if she stopped wanting us to be together?”

“You think she wouldn’t want to be with you anymore?” Shawn asked.

“I don’t know, Shawn; but she made some valid points. I made all of these decisions because I thought that she wanted this.” I can’t help but think that Grace was thinking about ending things. I couldn’t stand the fact that there was a possibility that I wouldn’t be with my daughter 24/7, under the same roof with Grace.

“Then you need to ask her—”

“I did, Shawn!” I was growing frustrated now. “I asked her what she wanted and she ran to her cousin’s house. What more of an answer do I need after that?”

“Give her some time to think!” He shouted back. “You should know Grace better than all of us. You should know where her heart truly is if you love her, hyung. If you do, then she will come back with your answer.”

You should know where her heart truly is if you loved her. Those are the words that circulated my mind throughout the day. Something so simple felt impossible to figure out. I should know Grace well enough to know when she was internally struggling with something. I should’ve seen how hard she was trying to cope with everything speeding towards her these last couple of months. I refuse to believe Grace didn’t want this; didn’t want us. But this was unexplored territory, and I had no idea how to read Grace.

…

I walked down the hallway and stopped in front of an apartment door. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Mollie answered it this time.

“Jamie,” she said, seeming surprised.

“Hi, Mollie–“

“Is this about Grace?” she interrupted. Just like Grace, her mom immediately went straight to the point. I nodded my head as my response while Mollie opened the door wider. I walked in as she closed the door behind us. “Make yourself at home.”

I slowly walked into the living room area, sitting down on the couch. I looked at the coffee table, seeing the baby picture of Grace I noticed when I was last here with Weston. Baby Grace had a huge smile on her face, wearing a baby blue tutu while Mollie held her, wearing what looked like dance attire for a show. I couldn’t help but smile at the picture. Mollie walks into the living room with two cups of tea, handing one over to me.

“Thank you,” I politely said before sipping the tea. Mollie placed her cup on the table, crossing her legs as she sat across from me. “And thank you for talking with me.”

“If you were anyone else, I would’ve told you to fuck off,” Mollie bluntly admitted. I swallowed hard, not saying anything back. “But despite what you two are going through, you still mean very much to Grace.” It was nice to hear her mother say that, and it made going into this conversation easier than expected.

“She means the absolute world to me,” I began to say, followed with a sigh. “Which is why it was important for me to directly talk to you.”

She seemed surprised. “Me?”

“She looks up to you,” I confessed. Mollie seemed to be speechless, not saying anything back in return. “But she’s having a hard time expressing what she wants because…” I didn’t know how to say it politely. How do I tell her mother that Grace still struggles with her abandonment all these years later? I sighed before spitting the words out. “She fears that she wants her career more than her family. All she knows to do is having to pick one over the other, and I fear she’s chosen her career.”

“Did she tell you that?”

“She didn’t have to,” I responded. “Her actions speak louder than her words, and I fear…” I let out a deep breath before continuing. “She’s only following along the dreams I have for us.”

“That could very much be true, Jamie.” I hated that her mother was agreeing with me. “She grew up with parents that chose one over the other. Her father had to sacrifice a part of his career to take care of Grace, and I sacrificed my family in order to find success in my career.”

“I don’t want her to have to choose,” I pleased out. “I want her to know that it’s okay to want different things at different times, and both can coexist in her world–“

“I think there’s a part of her that knows that,” Mollie interrupted. “You guys are living together, engaged, and expecting a child together. Her sacrifices may not be as blatant as yours, but she has sacrificed parts of herself that she never did with anyone else in her life… not even for Willow.” I never thought of her sacrifices being silent as they’ve been. Maybe she’s been sacrificing herself this whole time, and the academy was her way to prevent losing something valuable. Grace was never ungrateful; she’s just been silently struggling to accept that love comes with sacrifice.

“Excuse me if this is too personal, but… did you feel that way when you had Grace? Did you want that life for yourself?” I asked. I felt embarrassed once I saw Mollie scrunch an eyebrow. “I’m sorry, that’s–“

“Don’t apologize,” Mollie smiled as she said. “But that’s a truth of mine that Grace doesn’t need to know.” My heart ached for Grace. To sense that even at a young age, she had to grasp with the fact that she was never a part of what her mom wanted.

I nodded my head. “That’s what makes Grace different,” I said. She always wanted Willow. She always made her one of her priorities, despite what she believes. Aigoo, she always wanted Maki, even since the very beginning.

Mollie sighed, fidgeting with her fingers. “Grace will never believe me when I say this, but I look up to her more than she thinks. Grace isn’t perfect, but she has done more than I ever did at her age.” Mollie smiled, grabbing a tissue from the coffee table. “Her silence does not mean she doesn’t care. She’s simply trying to unlearn everything she believed was true love growing up. I know she’s probably scared as fuck to admit that no one has loved her the way you love her.”

…

I opened the door of the apartment and placed my keys in the dish next to the coat rack. I looked in our living room and blinked, thinking I was now hallucinating.

Grace turned her head as she sat on the couch, looking directly at me.

“Grace,” I dropped everything in my hands and walked over to her. She got up from her seat.

“Jam–” Before she was able to finish, I pulled her in a hug, digging my face in her shoulder. Smelling her conditioner. Feeling her belly pressed against me. Her skin velvet soft.

“Jagiya,” my voice cracked, feeling hot tears stream down my face. “Mianhae. God, I am so sorry–” It was now Grace comforting me, rubbing small circles along my back.

“Shhh,” Grace whispered to me, easing me. “Gwaenchanhayo.”

By the time Grace and I got home from the hospital, it was 1 o’clock in the morning. I opened the front door, turning the lamp on in the living room as I walked Grace to the couch. She didn’t fight, nor did she say anything to me on the ride home. She sits on the couch, placing her hands under her belly.

When we got to the hospital, the doctor ran a couple of tests on Grace to determine if she was about to go into labor. After what felt like hours waiting in the waiting room for some sort of update, the doctor walked out with Grace sitting in a wheelchair, confirming that tonight wasn’t going to be the night Maki would come. It was a false alarm due to immense stress, which I felt highly responsible for causing.

After placing our things on the kitchen counter, I went ahead and sat next to Grace on the couch. Silence fills the room.

“I’ll go to the pharmacy tomorrow and pick up your prescription,” I began to say.

“Thank you,” Grace simply said, not looking at me. I shut my eyes for a moment, knowing this was possibly one of the scariest nights I’ve had with Grace to this point. I sighed, rubbing my eyes before opening them back up.

“Grace,” I began to say. “Jagiya.” The name felt foreign in my mouth, having not called her that for the entire night up until this point. “I’m—”

“I know,” she simply said.

“I’m sorry for what I said to you tonight,” I continued to say, despite Grace not wanting to hear it. “For causing this to happen.” Grace finally turned her body to me. I couldn’t help but place my hand on top of her belly, feeling absolutely grateful the worst did not happen tonight. “I shouldn’t have said what I said. It wasn’t true—”

“There’s always some truth in the things we say,” Grace softly responded. She sighed before looking directly in my eyes. “Maybe there is some truth behind it.”

“Grace—”

“I’m not this perfect woman you think I am. I make mistakes, I do things without thinking them through. I want things that I shouldn’t.” She took a deep breath before she continued. “I want to build my legacy and build a life with you. I want both.” Grace has had a hard time balancing her career with her life for as long as I’ve known her. These last months have been extremely hard knowing she probably feels like she’s now having to choose between what success looks like for her versus what it truly is. She grew up not knowing her mother, to finding out just how much of an impact she has made in her career. Even after everything Grace has been through, she still sees her mom as the role model of what her life should look like. Jagiya, if only you knew how much more capable you are to balance everything out; something your mother could not do.

“Wanting both does not make you a bad person,” I began reassuring her. “It’s… normal. You want success both professionally and in your personal life. We all do.”

“But most people don’t question the importance over the other. Most people will say their family is the most important thing in their lives, but me—”

“For you, it still is just as important.” I looked at Grace, taking her hand and placing it on top of her belly, overlapping my own hand now. “You’ve been taking care of Maki this entire time, all while taking care of the academy.”

“But you said I was choosing one over the other—”

“I solely spoke out of anger, and I shouldn’t have said it.” I never believed that Grace was choosing her career over her family, even before Maki came into the picture. Grace has been scared to admit that sometimes, her career is her comfort zone; it’s the space that she feels the most confident in because she does it extremely well. Grace simply goes back to thinking about her career when things in her personal life get overwhelming. “I felt angry that you were making a commitment without expressing it to me first. I understand the academy has always been yours, but what you decide to do with it affects the other parts of your life.”

“I was only thinking about what the academy could do for us in the future,” Grace confessed. “A bigger space meant we’d get more dancers there, sure, but I wanted something closer to the city, closer to Willow, and closer to home.” Grace was now the one grabbing my hand, placing my open palm on the side of her belly. I could feel Maki up against Grace’s skin. Aigoo.

“I was simply afraid that you wanted your career more than this,” I whispered, feeling the knot form in my throat. I coughed it out, sniffling away any tears that were planning to fall. “I lost my last moments with my father because I chose my career over my family. That’s what I live with each day, thinking what if I just let myself put my family first in that situation… would I still carry this burden not knowing if my father’s final thoughts were how selfish his son was.”

Grace placed the palm of her hand on my cheek, wiping away the tears that had escaped from my eyes. I looked up at her as she looked at me, giving me a reassuring smile.

“He would be proud of his son for every decision he’s made to this point,” Grace responded, caressing my cheek with her hand. “He would be so beyond proud of the man you’ve become.” She sighed before she took her hand away from my face. “All I thought about tonight was Maki. I was so afraid something bad happened to her, and all I could think about was how selfish I was for not putting her first. I was scared that my carelessness would cost us, and I don’t know if I could live with that guilt if something did happen to her.”

“Maki knows when her eomma is stressed,” I added. “But she’s also just as strong as her eomma.” Grace smiled, finally leaning her back on the couch, relaxed. “So, about the–“

“Ya,” I quickly said, getting up from the couch. “Let’s get some rest and revisit these things tomorrow.” I held out my hand for Grace, which she quickly grabbed as I helped her up. I looked at Grace as she stood there, and I immediately pulled her in for a hug. I hug her tightly, digging my chin in between her neck and collarbone.

“I love you, Grace.” She slowly lets me go, looking up at me.

“I love you too, Jamie.”

…

The rest of the week was as normal as things can be between Grace and I. Grace spent most of her day getting things ready in the nursery, while I taught my classes online in the other room. We haven’t spoken much about the other night; a apart of me is grateful that we were able to move past it, but the other part of me is worried that Grace was silently ruminating about it. I was silently ruminating about it.

After my lecture, I walked out of the bedroom to see Grace sitting on the couch, scrolling through her phone. She looked up at me and smiled.

“I didn’t want to interrupt you during your lesson,” Grace began to say as she got up. “Sky invited me for lunch, even though I suspect this is more of a ‘maid of honor trying to get some things checked off the wedding list’ type of lunch.” I smiled, knowing exactly that was Skylar’s intention. If anyone has been more excited about Grace and I’s engagement, it’s been Shawn and Skylar.

I kissed her on the forehead, coming in for a hug. “You could’ve came in, jagiya. I wouldn’t mind the sight.” Grace scoffed, lightly hitting me on the arm before walking into the bedroom. I followed her as she went through her closet.

“I would prefer to not give your college students a sight to see,” Grace responded, smiling as she sorted through her clothes. “Maybe you and Shawn should plan something for the day.” Grace turns around when I don’t respond. “Jamie?”

“Maybe I should stay here… just in case something happens.” Ever since that night, I’ve been terrified of being away from Grace. I was grateful to have been there at the cafe with her when the scare happened, but I couldn’t help but think it happening again when I’m not near. Grace places her clothes on the bed and walks to me, cupping my face with her hands.

“I’m going to be fine, Jamie. Sky will be with me.”

“I know, but still,” I looked at her, feeling uneasy. “Maki’s unpredictable, just like her mama.” Some slight humor lightened up the mood as Grace playfully rolled her eyes at me. She kisses me on the lips before grabbing her clothes from the bed.

“I’ll make sure she behaves; she knows how crazy Aunt Sky is,” Grace mentioned, cocking her eyebrows up. I think Maki has an idea of how crazy her family already is. “Oh, can you do me a slight favor while you’re out?”

“So you’re actually sending me out?” I playfully asked.

“Yes, and I’m not taking no for an answer,” Grace begins to get dressed, pulling the dress over her head as it slid down her body. I walked over to her, helping her zip up the dress from the back.

“Okay mom,” I teased Grace, grabbing her sneakers from the shoe rack hanging from the closet door.

“I need you to pick up the personalized items from the printing shop,” Grace said as she sat on the bed. I kneeled down, helping her put on her shoes. “Make sure you send me a picture of them before you leave just in case they need to be redone.” I smiled up at Grace, tying the last of her laces on her sneaker. Grace and I have been actively learning how to work on things together as a team, especially everything related to the engagement party in two weeks. We compromised that right now we should focus on two things before we focus on the other things: getting Maki’s nursery ready, and planning accordingly for the engagement party. Grace was the planner, and I was somewhat of the delivery boy, getting every ridiculous thing she wants for this party. I don’t mind though the more excited she becomes when doing her online shopping.

“Okay jagiya,” I agreed, standing up from the ground now. “You must promise me something though.” I leaned into Grace, our lips almost touching. “You’ll call me if you’re not feeling well.” Grace puts her fingers against my lips as I tried to lean in for a kiss. She tussles my hair as she gets up from the bed, looking in my eyes.

“Okay, dad.”

…

“Hyung,” Shawn deadpanned. I looked up from my phone, seeing Shawn raise an eyebrow up. “Are you okay?” I sighed, placing my phone on the table at a luncheon place Shawn has been dying to try. I believe he said that they had a variety of Maki rolls he wanted to try.

“I’m sorry, my head isn’t all here,” I admitted, leaning back in my seat. “All I can think about is Grace.”

“You can get down and dirty with her when you’re back home–“

“Ya,” I reacted, shutting my eyes momentarily. “Not like that. What if she gets sick or something? What if Maki’s like, ‘nope, I feel like coming a couple of weeks early!’ What if–“

“Grace would’ve called you if it was going to happen, hyung.” I look at Shawn, not completely convinced. “You’re just going to stress yourself out, which will stress Grace out, which–“

“I get it, Shawn,” I spat out, rubbing my eyes together. “I’ve been trying so hard to be strong for the both of us, but it’s been much easier to say than done.”

“I could only imagine that’s normal it being your first time becoming a dad,” Shawn said, sipping his iced tea. I opted for the sparkling water, trying to stay away from the caffeine a bit. “You got to give yourself some grace… no pun intended.”

“I’m more worried about Grace,” I admitted out loud.

“Mwo? Why?”

I let out a deep breath before confessing out the truth. “Grace and I had an argument the other night; a bad one.”

“Every couple fights–“

“Not the way Grace and I do,” I responded back. “I accused her of caring about her career more than her family.” Shawn winced.

“Ah, hyung; even I know that’s something you don’t say to Grace, especially being super pregnant. How did you even get to that point?”

“She’s not renewing the lease for the studio. She’s been secretly looking for other spaces.”

“The same way you’ve been secretly looking at other apartments to live in?” Shawn mentioned.

“That’s different,” I argued back. “We are living out of a one-bedroom apartment; one room that’s a makeshift one for Willow.”

“But have you spoken to Grace about wanting to move in a bigger space?” I don’t answer, hating the fact that Shawn is right. “Hyung, you can’t call the kettle black.”

“Shawn,” I sighed. “You mean, ‘the pot calling the kettle black‘.”

“That,” Shawn said nonchalantly. “You can’t be upset that Grace was secretly looking at studio spaces when you were secretly looking up apartment spaces. You both are looking up spaces without letting each other know.”

“Grace shouldn’t have to worry about looking up apartments with me; that’s my job–“

“The same way upholding the academy is her business,” Shawn debated with me. “Not to make you feel worse, but…didn’t her ex make her choose between her career and her family when she had Willow?”

“I’m not making her choose one over the other,” I quickly defended myself. The last thing I needed was my best friend telling me I was no better than her ex; the same ex she was previously engaged to when she was pregnant with Willow. “I just want her to realize that love sometimes means that we have to sacrifice–“

“Ah!” Shawn slammed his fist on the table, making a loud thump. “That’s it!”

“What’s what?”

“You feel like you’ve sacrificed more than she has.” Shawn stated. “You feel like she’s not willing to sacrifice her career the way you sacrificed yours.”

“She retired from elite dance to be here with me–“

“And you’ve left your family in Korea, your job in Korea, your life in Korea to be with Grace. I get that you think Grace can do no wrong in your eyes, but you know it’s not right feeling like the love is one-sided.” I think about what Shawn is saying, remembering the first time he brought this up on the night before his wedding. What has Grace sacrificed to show you that she wants what you want? It was something absurd at first, but maybe deep down I felt there was some truth behind Shawn’s words. I know Grace loves me, but does she love me more than her career?

“Ya,” I simply answered, not knowing what to say.

“You want my honest opinion? Grace is undoubtedly in love with you, hyung. You already know that though. But she also loves you. And that is probably freaking her out, on top of juggling everything you’ve thrown at her within the last year. She’s having your first child. She said yes to your proposal. In a matter of months, she went from being your girlfriend, to the mother of your child, and your fiancée.”

“What are you getting at, Shawn?” I asked, impatient for the answer.

“Grace is probably using the academy as a shield to avoid all of things that are scaring her,” Shawn said. “That’s why it probably feels like she’s not willing to sacrifice for love. She’s never gotten this far before.”

She’s never gotten this far before.

…

Grace and I spent the night in bed. I look over to her as she browsed on her tablet. I looked over, seeing her browse through wedding dress photos. Moments after, a test message comes through her assistant at the academy.

"Hey Grace; the owner of the studio space in Midtown is in town this week - she's looking to set a meeting sometime this Thursday--" 

She quickly swiped up the notification.

“Jagiya?” Grace turned her head to look at me, giving me her attention. “I…I have to tell you something.”

“What’s wrong?” Grace asked, placing her tablet down on her side of the nightstand. Her hand immediately travels to the side of her belly, rubbing it in small circles.

“I haven’t been completely honest with you,” I began to say. Before Grace is able to react, I spat it out. “I’ve been looking up apartments for us to move into.”

I didn’t realize just how much life tests your love until you find yourself in it.

After proposing to Grace on our babymoon, we both spent the following week celebrating our engagement and playing house in our Airbnb. Our relationship stepped into territory both Grace and I never been in before. First, Maki is only a few weeks away from coming into the world, and now we have a wedding to actually plan in the midst of it all.

Also, what Grace doesn’t know is that I’m secretly looking for a bigger space for us to move into all before any of these things happen.

In the recent weeks, I began attending these open houses, in hopes that one of them feels even remotely like the place I’d want my little family to live. After a long day of viewing space that felt like anything but right, I made it to Grace’s parents to pick up Willow for Grace.

The apartment door opens, and Mr. Ashmore stands there to greet me.

“Jamie,” Mr. Ashmore said with a smile.

“Hi, Mr. Ashmore.”

“Please, call me Weston.” Mr. Ashmore—Weston said.

“My apologies,” I responded. I see Willow running in the back, coming closer to the front door. “Hi, Willow Bean.”

“Jamie! Annyeonghaseyo!” Her soft, little voice greeted me using the Korean I’ve been teaching her. I’ve figured one way to help Grace connect her little family to ours is teaching her basic words in Korean. Willow may not be my biological daughter, she’s still a part of the family Grace and I are starting. Her younger sister will be half-Korean, and wanted to make Willow feel as included to her Korean infused family. If not for Willow’s presence in my life, I wouldn’t have realized just how much I wanted to become a father. Helping Grace raise Willow in the years we’ve known each other made me realize how ready I was to become a father.

Willow walks underneath Weston’s arm leaning on the doorframe, smiling showing her missing tooth spaces. “I lost another tooth!”

“I see,” I responded with a smile. “Did you put it under your pillow for the tooth fairy?”

“I did! She left me a $10 bill!” Willow excitedly said, waving the bill in her hand.

“$10? Weston—” Before I could finish my sentence, he gives me that girl grandpa look. “M-Mr. Ashmore, you didn’t have to put that much under her pillow—”

“Nonsense,” Weston interrupted me, waving his hand in dismissal. He greets me into the apartment, doing my usual admiration of the space. Even the sun setting out the window is shining through the apartment.

“How’s Grace?” He asked as he closed the door behind us.

“She’s hanging in there, but growing impatient,” I answered, reflecting on the many mornings I would find her talking to Maki in the kitchen, holding her belly as if it were a newborn baby.

“I’m glad she’s feeling excited, we’re all excited for you two.” I smiled, sitting at the kitchen table while Willow played a bit more in the living room area.

“Grace wanted to be here to give you and Mollie this,” I began to say as I pulled a small envelope from my pocket. “It’s the RSVP date for the engagement party.”

“You mean the one that you’re throwing in our place?” Weston teased, crossing his arms along his chest.

“You know how particular she can be,” I mentioned to Weston. “Because she wasn’t feeling well, I told her I’d come and get Willow.”

“Of course; Willow?” The little girl stood what she’s doing and turns around to face Weston. “Make sure that you packed everything in your suitcase. Jamie is going to be taking you home.”

“Okay, grandpa,” Willow said as she got up from where she was sitting and went into the guest bedroom where she typically stays in.

“Have you guys decided if you’re getting married before or after Maki is born?” Weston began his interrogation.

“After,” I confirmed. “Our main focus is Maki’s arrival. Plus, it gives us more time to plan the wedding accordingly.”

“It’s nice when you can celebrate with your little family. Mollie and I first got married about 4 months after Grace was born. She was so vocal and loud, she could’ve been the priest at the altar.” I couldn’t help but laugh, imagining a baby Grace with red, curly locks, squealing at the top of her lungs. Not much had changed.

I began to feel butterflies just thinking about sitting at the reception table with Maki curled up in my arms being the absolute perfect baby. Aigoo, I can’t wait for the moment I get to hold Maki in my arms for the very first time.

Weston finally opened the invitation up, looking at it as he read. “Wait, this party is in three weeks?”

“We are aware that it’s super soon,” I began to try to reason with him. “But that’s the only week we’re sure that Grace will still be some time away from her due date.”

Weston ultimately sighed in defeat, letting the girl dad in him go with it. Seeing just how much Weston is willing to do for Grace is how I hope to be with my own daughter. Maki, you’re not even here yet and you’ve got me wrapped around your tiny fingers already.

“I’ll let Mollie know once I get her from the airport this weekend,” Weston decided with. I nod my head, getting ready to get Willow back to Grace. “Willow Bean?”

“I’m almost finished!” Her tiny voice shouts, followed by squeaking toys and singalong plushies start to go off. The original mini-Grace.

“Anything with the open houses?” Weston asked and changed the subject. The only other person that knows I’m on the hunt to move was Weston; apparently his best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s cousin was a real estate broker and was the one to recommend me the spots to check on.

“All were beautiful, but nothing felt right,” I began to explain. “I have this vision that our starter home would be a 3-bedroom apartment in the city. They’re pricey, but with a deposit on one of them is all I needed to do to finally get a place of our own. The place we can call our home.

“Having that many rooms can make you feel like you’re paying more rent than rooms that don’t have any real use in them.” The Ashmore’s, for the most part, always had this apartment since Grace was in high school. The room was efficient at the time, but now have all these vacant rooms that are only lived in if we stay over for a weekend. “Getting Mollie to even consider moving into a smaller space is a task on its own.” Ya, I know exactly how that feels with Grace.

Willow finally opens her bedroom door, dragging her enormous bag along the floor. I laugh, getting up from my seat to help her out.

“Thank you, Jamie,” Willow politely said. She turned to Weston, giving him a hug. “See you later, grandpa!”

“See ya, kid,” Weston smiled as he gives her a high-five.

After having dinner with Grace and Willow, Max and his wife Mariam came to pick Willow up for the night. After a busy day, I expected our night consisted of Grace and I rotting in our bed, streaming the newest episodes of our favorite shows.

What I didn’t expect is making a visit to the cafe at 10 o’clock at night.

“Jagiya,” I said as I placed our drinks on our table in the cafe. “You know I love the cafe as much as the next person, but couldn’t have this waited tomorrow morning?”

“We made a pact that no matter what time it is, we make the big decisions here.” Grace stated. She placed her hand alongside her belly, rubbing small circles against it. It’s something she does when she’s feeling anxious.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” she quickly dismissed, lifting her hand away from the spot. Her hand kept going back though, as if she was now using it as a coping mechanism. “Did my dad open the invitation?”

“He did; the first thing he mentioned was the sudden date.”

Grace sighed before she spoke. “I wish we had more time to actually prepare for this party. I feel bad that we’re throwing it at my parent’s house.”

“You know they don’t mind, jagiya,” I reassured Grace, wincing after taking a sip of an iced americano at this hour of night. I might be getting too old to be drinking it this late. “So, speaking of the engagement party—”

“Before we get there, I wanted to share something with you first,” Grace interrupted, smiling nervously as she spoke.

“Oh, okay,” I answered, not knowing where Grace was going with this. “What’s on your mind?”

“So, the inspection company gave me a call earlier today, and—good news, we passed it.”

“That’s great,” I said with a smile on my face. Looking at Grace, she seemed to not share the same sentiment. “Is there more?”

“Well,” Grace said as she began to fidget with her fingers. “I’ve done some thinking about the future of the academy. While I was happy that the space passed the inspections, I couldn’t help but feel differently about the space.” I tilted my head to the side, trying to understand where grace was going with this. It was times like this that I wish Grace wasn’t a “beat around the bush” type of person when having uncomfortable situations. Why is this uncomfortable for her in the first place?

“What are you trying to say?” I bluntly asked, needing to understand the severity of this conversation needing to be in the cafe. Grace let out a deep breath before breaking the news to me.

“I didn’t renew the lease for the studio,” Grace confessed.

My eyes slightly widened. “What?”

“The lease is up in June, and I chose to not renew the lease—”

“Grace,” I began to say trying to get my thoughts together. “The lease is up in June; the same month that Maki is expecting to arrive, and you didn’t renew the lease for the studio space?”

“For good reason,” Grace began explaining, going into her large purse and pulls out a thin folder.she flips it open before going through the small pile of papers, finding what she needed from it. “I’ve been looking at new space for the academy, and I—”

“Wait, wait; slow down,” I waved my hands, trying to fully comprehend the situation in front of me. “You’ve been searching for new places for the academy and didn’t talk to me about it?”

“Why? The academy is my business.” It frustrated me every time Grace seemed to forget that what we both decide to do individually will affect the both of us, especially now that we are set to get married.

“We’ve been over this before.”

“We have, and if I needed your help with this, I would’ve asked—”

“That’s not the point, Grace. The point is that the academy is a source of our income. Not only are we preparing for Maki’s arrival, but we’re planning a wedding. Finding a space for the academy wasn’t something we budgeted for the next year.”

“It’s not like I sold the business, Jamie,” Grace spat back, crossing her arms along her chest. “The academy is still a source of our income, and I’m just making decisions that will benefit our family in the long run.”

“But what about right now?”

“I understand we have to begin planning this engagement party, and we will—”

“Forget the engagement party,” I interrupted. “What about Maki?”

“We still have time until she’s born,” Grace confidently said. “The academy will be up and running by the time she does.”

“And then what? You’ll be on maternity leave and would then need to get a temporary choreographer to manage the academy—”

“You’re being super negative about this,” Grace spat out. “I thought you’d be happy that I finally made a decision for our long-term goals.”

I couldn’t help but scrunch my eyebrows, becoming angry at the conversation now. “Our long-term goals, or your long-term goals?” I asked. Grace’s eyes pierced through mine.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Grace, this sounds like a goal you’ve set for yourself, which I am not upset about. What I’m upset about is you’re not willing to prioritize the other important things that are happening—”

“So you just want us to sit here and talk about plans for the engagement party? Something that literally is only going to happen for one night and then it’s done?” Grace argued back. I couldn’t help but feel absolutely livid with Grace in this moment. How does she not understand it wasn’t about the engagement party at this point anymore? How does she not understand that a part of love is sacrifice? How does she not see just how much of myself I’ve sacrificed to be here with her?

“Forget the engagement party,” I spat out. “I’m talking about Maki.”

“Maki isn’t due until—”

“You’re doing it again.” I looked at Grace coldly.

“Doing what again?” She asked. I don’t answer her right now away as I try to find the best solution possible for this argument. I’ve known Grace for the many stages of her life; the ones that I absolutely fell in love with, and the ones that I hoped would never creep back. There was no doubt in my mind that Grace was the one I was meant to be with, to love, to spend the rest of my life with. Because of that, I have to say the thing I don’t want to say.

“You’re putting your career before your family again,” I responded. Grace didn’t immediately react. Instead, she looked at me with fear and fury mixed in her eyes. I couldn’t read her body language at that point, and I felt like I just allowed Grace to slip through my fingers, something I once did when going back to Korea for the first time.

I couldn’t help but feel like this was life’s way of testing our love, and how much we have of it for each other. What made matters more intense was that Maki, my first-born daughter, will be here sooner than we realize. I might’ve just strained our relationship saying what I just said. But, it needed to be said in order for her to understand.

“How dare you,” Grace finally said. “How dare you sit there and judge me off of something that you have absolutely no right to judge me on.” There were tears in her eyes, and she was now rubbing the side of her belly even more. “How dare you sit there and believe that I am putting my career before my child again knowing the absolute psychological damage it has caused me.” Grace abruptly gets up from her seat and grabs her things in a frenzy.

“Grace—”

“Fuck you, Jamie!” She yelled out loud, halting the entire cafe atmosphere. She held the side of her stomach, clenching the fabric of her sweater like she was in pain. My anger immediately turned into concern.

“Grace?” I went to hold her by the arm until she swatted it away from me.

“Don’t touch me!” She spat out, beginning to hunch over the table to lean on.

“Grace, come on; sit down—”

“I don’t need your help!”

“Ya,” I yelled out loud, which then prompted Bernie to come from behind the counter. “I won’t let you put yourself and Maki’s health in danger to prove some absurd point!” Grace looked up at me, her face changing from anger to pure panic.

“Grace?” Bernie said as he got to us, pulling out a chair for Grace to sit in. I immediately pulled my cellphone from my jacket pocket to dial 911.

“We need an ambulance at Bernie’s cafe, located on East 33rd and Madison,” I said on the phone, looking at Grace in pain. “I think my wife’s about to have our baby.”

The first year that I was back in New York, Grace and I avoided the “future talk”. That talk that had us think and talk about what we wanted for our futures, and how would that look like with the other person involved.

Grace would sit out on the fire-escape the nights she’d have these thoughts. As the year went on, she sat out there less and less, which made me think that Grace stopped having them; the thoughts where she questioned everything in her life. One night, I pulled the drapes away from the window and saw Grace sitting on the steps, sipping a can of Diet Coke wearing her pajamas and winter coat.

“Jagiya?” I called out. She immediately turned her head to face me. “You’re going to get sick sitting out there for too long.”

“I’ll be back in a minute,” she said, turning her head toward the street. I sighed, tying my robe around my waist and climbed outside of the living room window. Grace immediately turned her head again, watching me as I crawled out to the fire-escape. “Jamie—”

“I know why you’re out here,” I said. Her eyes widen, followed with a sigh.

“What gave it away?”

“You only sit out here when you’re thinking about ‘future talk’,” I answered, sitting next to her on the steps. “It’s been awhile since we had one of these—”

“Do you see us together in the next 5 years?” I looked at Grace, confused by her question.

“Well,” I started to say. “I see us together forever.” Grace rolled her eyes. That was not the reaction I was expecting.

“I’m being serious, Jamie,” Grace emphasized. “What if down the line we realize we were not meant to be? What if we just stop loving each other?”

“That’s not going to happen—”

“It did once,” Grace looked at me as she said. I scrunched my eyebrows, feeling a bit upset at her response.

“Despite popular belief, Grace; I never stopped,” I sternly stated.

“There was a point in time we both moved on, not ever thinking we’d see each other again.” I tried to read Grace’s facial expression to figure out what’s going on, and I couldn’t. It worried me. Was she falling out of love? Does she want something different for her future than me?

“But we are here now,” I defended. “Where is this even coming from—”

“I’m scared of the future, Jamie.” Grace looked at me with real concern in her eyes. I hate when her mind put her in that place. The place where she can’t trust herself when she feels even an ounce of happiness. The place where she doubts everything, thinking she wasn’t deserving of genuine love without there being repercussions behind it.

To be quite honest, I didn’t think Grace would come back to New York feeling this way after spending the last couple of weeks with her mother in Italy. When her mother invited her to come see one of the last dance shows for the production, I was excited for her. Grace has a special connection with the dance production; this time last year she was just finishing up the Ulsan production. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I’ve been living in New York with Grace. I thought a lot of her doubts went away the longer time has passed, and after telling her time and time again that this was the real thing. No more flying back to Korea every couple of months. No more wondering whether or not it was the right decision to live in New York. I was here to stay with her because my future involved her in it.

“It’s completely normal to feel that way, jagiya.” I placed her hair behind her ear to get a better look at Grace. I leaned in and gently kissed her on the lips. “But one thing is for certain: I’m not doing this future thing without you.”

…

Grace insisted that she would come back from Italy to make it to the law firm’s annual holiday party with me in midtown tonight. As the time got closer to the party, it was taking Grace longer than usual to get ready.

I entered the bedroom as I was putting my tie on, and noticed Grace was sitting at the vanity still not dressed.

“Jagiya,” I said as I walked closer to her. She turned around to face me, worried written all over her face. “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you dressed yet?”

“I’m not feeling good,” Grace began to say. I crossed my arms and cocked an eyebrow.

“I’m starting to think you believe I fall for that every time,” I teased. “What’s really on your mind?”

“Fine.” She turned her entire body around and looked at me. “I’m terrified of seeing everyone at the firm.” When I first met Grace nearly 6 years ago, she was a lawyer, working on her first big case since being hired at the Carter Law Firm. She was the one that got me the job at the firm when I moved here earlier this year, so I was confused that all of a sudden, she was nervous about attending the holiday party.

“It’s been so long since you worked there,” I mentioned.

“Exactly! They’re all going to look at me and ask me how I’ve been and what I do now, especially if we see Ari there.” Ari was once Grace’s best friend before falling out a couple of years ago. It nearly destroyed Grace, knowing that the reason for their falling out was because… well, us.

“If it makes you feel any better; Ari and I do not even interact with each other,” I said, sitting on the edge of our bed facing Grace. “And even if she walks up to you; who cares?”

“I do,” Grace fought back. “I have nothing to say to her, but knowing how petty Ari can be she’s going to try to get to me.”

“Then don’t let her.” I leaned in and smiled for reassurance. “You think I care about what Ari thinks about you or me? There’s a reason she is a part of your past. Let her judge the person you once were because she has no idea just how amazing you are now.” Grace smiled, which was always a good sign. I kissed her forehead, getting up from the bed. “Now get ready to be the most beautiful person at that party.” Grace smiled as she rolled her eyes, facing her vanity mirror now.

…

The venue combined all of the subdivisions of the law firm, so needless to say the venue for the holiday party was extremely fancy. Grace and I entered the venue, looking around at the many dining tables with a dance floor in the middle. Grace decided to wear this beautiful sparkly red dress with her curly hair pinned back. She knows just how much I love red on her. I squeezed her hand and she looked up at me.

“Let’s go find our seats.” Grace nodded her head and walked with me to the guestbook. The table we were seated at were a bunch of other lawyers and their significant others that specifically worked in my division. As dinner began to be served, Grace barely touched any of the dishes that came out. It worried me a bit, reminding myself about her very complicated relationship with food over the years. I watched her play with every dish until the main course was served; the fish.

“Jagiya,” I whispered to her. “You have to eat something.”

“I’m not that hungry.”

“You barely ate anything today,” I pointed out.

“I’m fine, Jamie.” Grace was growing annoyed at me, but not as much as I was getting with her. “Stop monitoring me.”

“Then eat your dinner,” I spat back. “And more than a bite or two.” Grace looked down at her plate and slowly began cutting the fish, placing a piece in her mouth.

“Jamie Kim,” a woman’s voice said my name. I looked up from the table and immediately felt my stomach turn. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“Hi, Ari,” I politely greeted. The last time Ari and I had a conversation was when I desperately went to her apartment, looking for Grace after missing my flight to Korea. I went looking for Grace to tell her how I felt about her. I was going to tell her that I was going to stay in New York for her that time. “Nice to see you.”

She smiled and looked at Grace. Aigoo, Grace is completely pale in the face. “I’m surprised to see you here, Grace. Nice to see you again after all this time.” Grace doesn’t say anything back, she just nervously bounces her leg underneath the table. I absolutely hate how Ari is making Grace feel.

“Grace is my girlfriend,” I confidently said, holding Grace’s hand. I could see it in Ari’s face how surprised she is to hear those words. “It’s not as surprising considering many of us here are with our significant others.”

Ari nodded her head and put on a fake smile before she spoke. “Enjoy the rest of your night,” she said, walking away from the table. I looked at Grace, still frozen in place in her seat.

“Jagiya, it’s okay.” I grabbed her hand and kissed the top of it, letting her feel the touch on her skin.

“I need to use the bathroom.” Grace began to get up from her seat, placing her napkin on the table. “I’ll be back,” Grace said before walking away. There was something off about Grace tonight. She seemed like she had something else on her mind and she wasn’t present. I watched her rush to the other side of the hall until someone’s voice broke my train of thought.

“Mr. Kim,” a man’s voice called my name. I turned around to see Mr. Carter standing there with a smile on his face. “I’m glad you were able to make it tonight.”

“Thank you, Mr. Carter,” I greeted, shaking his hand. Mr. Carter and I have had a rocky work relationship over the past years due to our different views and work ethic, but I respected him as an attorney. Plus, he was more than kind to allow me to join the firm again after our sour first impressions.

“Would you mind if we spoke about something privately?” he asked. I was nervous, looking towards the bathroom to wait for Grace to come back. “I will promise to bring you back in one piece, Mr. Kim.” He laughed as he directed me towards one corner of the ballroom, away from the tables and other festivities. He smiled before he said anything else. It made me sweat profusely in the suit I was wearing.

“What is this about?” I kindly asked, trying to stay as stoic as possible. Mr. Carter continued to smile, folding his hands together.

“The director of your division has given me a good word about the past couple of cases you were assigned to,” he began to say. “Myself and the other division directors are looking to implement an international division to our firm, and we all came to an agreement that you would be the perfect fit to manage it.” My eyes widened, surprised to hear this news. I couldn’t believe that the chance I made to come back to New York would result in me getting a promotion like this at a law firm.

“Mr. Carter, I’m honored; I’m just a bit confused in why this couldn’t wait until business hours… I mean, it is a party.” Mr. Carter laughed at my joke, which was relieving to an extent. Really; why couldn’t this wait until Monday?

“Well, I know this is very last minute, but the division is looking to be premiered at the International Summit at the beginning of the new year, and the sooner you were made aware to this, the sooner you’d be on the next flight to Singapore!”

I coughed, nearly choking on my own spit.

“Singapore?” I repeated.

“Yes! Isn’t that exciting?” Mr. Carter said enthusiastically. “With all due respect, this expansion has been in the works for nearly a year and a half, and once you came back to the firm permanently, I knew this would be the perfect position for you.” I looked at Mr. Carter before looking out towards the ballroom. I didn’t know how to feel about this. This was surely an opportunity that I know would be stupid to decline, but… I’ve only been back for a year. Grace and I have only been together for a year. What would this do to our relationship? I can’t leave her again for a job.

“Mr. Carter, I’m honored that you believe I am capable of managing such thing for the firm, but–“

“I know,” he interrupted to say. Does he really? “You need time to think about it, which is why I’ve set us up a meeting to meet with the other directors to further discuss in a week.” Mr. Carter pats me on the shoulder before getting close to my ear. “I think this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for you to do what you love while still being able to travel and visit your family.”

I watched Mr. Carter walk away, leaving me in the spot he dragged me in. I know something like this was something a younger Jamie dreamt about in law school. The nights that he spent studying for the BAR exam, missing important family events and even missing my own father’s funeral due to law school… this would make everything I worked so hard for worth it.

Before I was able to get any further with the thought, I notice Grace walking out of the bathroom at the corner of the ballroom. Aigoo, Grace!

I walked in between crowds of mingling people and tables to finally catch up to Grace. “Jagiya,” I smiled as I said. She turned around, seeming shocked to see me standing there. She looked physically ill. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Grace quickly dismissed. “Just… I had to use the bathroom.” I left it alone, not wanting to discuss the Singapore position just yet. Besides, it was easy to put it in the backburner when I noticed just how pale Grace was looking.

“Seriously, are you feeling okay? You’re super pale.” Before I was able to put my hand on her forehead, she slapped it away, growing annoyed with me.

“I said I was fine!” she spat back. I scrunched my brows together, upset that Grace was taking this route once again; the route where she’ll hide how she feels instead of swallowing her pride and ask for help. The last time Grace was this secretive about something was all those years ago, around the time she was struggling with her body taking on the dancer’s routine as an adult. I couldn’t help myself; I needed to know if this was more than just Grace having a bad day, or if it was a coincidence that she ran to the bathroom right after she began eating her food.

“You’re not throwing up your food again, right?” I bluntly asked.

“What?”

“Ya,” I was growing angry. It was beginning to feel like the first time all over again. “Don’t lie to me, Grace. Are you eating and throwing it up in the bathroom?”

“Are you being fucking serious right now, Jamie?”

“Answer the question.” I looked down at Grace, trying to not completely flip out on her.

“No.”

“You’re telling me the truth?”

“Fuck you, Jamie!” she spat out loud, tears clearly forming in her eyes. “How dare you ask me if I’m lying about something like that!”

“What the fuck am I suppose to think?! You barely ate your food, and when I told you to eat a couple of bites of the fish, you go running to the bathroom. This is exactly how it was a couple of years ago–“

“Fuck you for comparing me to a version of myself that was young, naive, and broken,” Grace yelled out. Broken. I totally forgot that was around the time that I had left overseas to go back home after–

Then, it happened. I squeezed by eyes shut, feeling puke on top of my dress shoes. The tables nearest to us fled the scene, and all that was there was just me and her, standing in the middle of the ballroom arguing about things we promised we’d never argue about.

…

I opened the apartment door with a shopping bag in my hand with all of the essentials to help Grace feel better. I dropped the keys in the usual bowl near the door, and looked around the empty living room with grace nowhere inn sight.

“Jagiya?” I called out, wondering where she could’ve went. Maybe she went to sleep after her shower. Maybe she’s just lying down and getting some rest now. In the midst of all the thoughts roaming through my mind, I placed the shopping bag on top of the small kitchen table, hearing something drop to the ground. I look down and mindlessly picking it up, not realizing that what I was looking at answered all of the questions I had for Grace earlier tonight.

I looked at the white stick with the word ‘pregnant’ written across the tiny screen.

I immediately knew where Grace was. I slowly pulled the curtain from the living room window, seeing Grace sit on the fire escape with a ginger ale in her hand. She didn’t turn her head to look at me. It’s like she said all she needed to say leaving that on the table.

“Grace,” I gently said, skipping the pet names and sweet nothings I usually call her by. “I’m sorry for acting the way I did tonight—”Before I could say anything else, she begins to indirectly talk at me.

“I found out in Italy,” she began to explain. “I knew something felt off while I was there. I just didn’t think this would be it of all things.” She finally turned her head toward me, looking at me with concern in her eyes. “I was horrified; being in a foreign country not knowing what to do.” I began climbing out the window and onto the fire escape, next to Grace.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I was scared to.” Those were some of the most heartbreaking words to hear from Grace. I looked at her, not knowing whether to be mad or sad at Grace. I was mad she felt the need to hide something like this until she couldn’t anymore, knowing what she knew. I was sad because we worked so hard to trust each other enough to have these discussions. It feels like we’ve taken almost a year’s worth of progress and threw it out when things got serious. I was sad she didn’t think of this as something exciting to share with me.

“Scared of what?” I pleaded, wanting nothing more than to understand her. She took a moment to think, as she was trying to search for the answers in my eyes. What are you so scared of?

“History repeating itself,” she began to say. “Having this happen and you end up having to leave again.”

“Aigoo,” I reacted, shifting my body to face Grace. “You are not giving us enough credit, and I don’t like that.”

“Credit?” She spat back. “What credit?”

“That we are now completely different people with better heads on our shoulders. Grace, you can’t cut our future short not knowing how amazing things can go.” She looked at me perplexed. Her thoughts were transparent on her head at that point. “Mr. Carter offered me the managerial position for the new International Division in Singapore.”

“Singapore?” Grace asked, worry in her voice. I nodded my head slowly before sighing.

“It was once a dream of mine to be recognized on that level as a lawyer; in that brief moment I thought I was finally getting what I worked so hard for this past year.” I could see Grace about to freak out at any moment, which meant I needed to explain myself quicker. “I declined the offer.”

“What? Jamie, that position is a big deal,” Grace debated. “For them to see your full potential in just a year is such a big deal—”

“That wasn’t a part of my 5-year plan for the future,” I admitted. “I wouldn’t have left my firm in Korea to come back to New York if that position was something I wanted for my future.” I pulled out the white stick from my pocket, holding it in my hand. “You are my future, Grace.” She didn’t say anything after that. She simply looked down at the palm of her hands to see the pregnancy test facing upwards with the tiny screen showing.

“Am I really?”

“That isn’t even in question,” I scoffed. “Let me remind you that I came back to be with you. Getting the job at this firm was just a nice add-on.”

“But this is your career we’re talking about,” Grace continued to debate with me. “I can’t let you settle for–“

“Settle?” I said as I chuckled briefly. “How can I settle if I already have everything I ever wanted for me?” I smiled at Grace, hoping she was able to see the picture as clear as I was. “There’s nothing to be scared of this time, Grace. I’m here. You got me.” I continued to smile at Grace, unable to keep my emotions at bay. She looked back down at the test, smiling at it. I couldn’t help but feel even happier for Grace in this moment. This is our time, jagiya.

She looked up at me and smiled softly. “I should’ve told you sooner. I was just afraid this wouldn’t be something you wanted.”

“Jinja? Really?” I asked, truly shocked. When Grace didn’t answer, it was my confirmation that she truly believed what she thought. “I know it must’ve been hard to bring up, especially since our history said otherwise. But, it’s called our history for a reason. It’s the reason why we get to try to build our future again, because that never changed. I’ve always wanted you to be the person I build it with.”

To my surprise, Grace kisses my lips softly, cupping my jawline with her hand. My body went warm; getting that giddy feeling knowing that Grace wanted the same things I did for us, and that in this timeline; we were finally ready to build on it.

“We’re having a baby,” Grace whispered to me, smiling as she did. I couldn’t help but smile even bigger, seeing Grace excited for this chapter of our lives.

“We are, jagiya,” I answered, kissing her forehead softly, looking out toward the city on our fire escape.

In Korea, the legal age when a person is officially considered an adult is 20. Being the youngest and only son in my family, my father considered me becoming an adult a big deal.

He was the one that took me out to the bar for the first time, and told me what beer to order at the counter. My father wasn’t a big drinker, but I could tell this father and son moment was something that he anticipated. At the time, I didn’t see the importance of it. I couldn’t understand that this was his last child, and his only son, becoming a man now. At times, I think back and wish I cherish that moment more with him, knowing what I know now and going through my first experience of becoming a father myself.

Needless to say, it meant a lot to me to talk to Grace’s parents beforehand; before asking her to marry me.

…

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay traveling to Brooklyn with Willow by yourself?” I asked Grace as she packed a bag on the kitchen counter. She turned around and smiled at me, placing her hands on my chest.

“Babe, I’m going to be just fine,” she reassured me as she wrapped her arms around my body. “Em and Cami literally live off of the Brooklyn Bridge; it’s like pre-Manhattan.” I still wasn’t convinced. We had just found out Maki was a girl at Grace’s appointment a couple of weeks ago, and every time she needed to go out and do something, I was now worried about the safety of both Grace and our little girl. I didn’t want Grace to feel like I was tracking her every move, but I also didn’t want to have the thought that something bad could happen to her when I’m not around.

“Call a cab.”

“Cabs are expensive.”

“Grace,” I sternly said looking down at her now. She rolled her eyes, letting go of me.

“Jamie, we discussed this,” Grace said as she walked away from me, toward her bag. “I’ve been a New Yorker longer than you have–“

“But you’ve never traveled to Brooklyn by yourself, pregnant, and with a 6-year old little girl,” I emphasized, crossing my arms along my chest. Grace scrunched her eyebrows, now seeming annoyed.

“You know I can’t be taking cabs and wait whenever you’re available to drive me to the places I needed to be, Jamie. Plus, Willow needs to learn how to take the subway–“

“She’s 6; she’s not gonna ride the subway alone for a long time.” Grace didn’t say anything after that, which meant that I won today’s pit-and-pat discussion. “I just want all of my girls to be safe.” Grace smiled after a sigh of defeat.

“Willow,” Grace called out. I turned around to see the little girl walk out of her room, seeming a little annoyed. “We’re gonna go to Susie’s house for the day–“

“Susie has her own room; why can’t I have one?” I looked at Grace, waiting for her to say something.

“We went over this already, Willow; we don’t have an extra room for Maki when she gets here–“

“But it’s my room,” Willow huffed. “I don’t want the new baby in my room.”

“Sisters are supposed to share a room–“

“So why don’t Susie and Carmen share one?” I looked back up at Grace, waiting for her to answer this trivial question. I could tell Grace was losing her patience at this point.

“Hey, Willow Bean?” I intervened, getting down to her level. “Is it okay if we have this discussion after your day out with Mama?” I put my pinky finger up, initiating a promise to the young girl. It took her awhile to budge. “I promise.” Willow hesitated at first, but ultimately pinky promised me. She walked off, grabbing her bag from the couch. “That’s my girl.” She doesn’t look back at us, she simply walks towards the front door.

I kissed Grace goodbye, giving her her purse. “Love you; call me when you get there, jagiya. And please, don’t forget to do so this time.”

“Okay, dad,” she sarcastically said, walking out the door. Just practicing for my next role of life.

…

Grace’s parents were not your traditional couple, but if there was one thing that Grace told me, it was that her parents were meant to be together. She explained how they met in high school, and dated for a couple of years before losing contact in college. After reconnecting through mutual friends, they began to date again, and it wasn’t long after that they had Grace. Her relationship with her mother was estrange for the first 17 years of Grace’s life, and has always been up and down due to their clashing, strong personalities.

If telling her father was scary, imagine asking her mother the big question.

I finally got to the Ashmore residence, letting out a deep breath before ringing their bell.

“Who is it?” A woman’s voice said.

“Jamie,” I answered. Soon after, the door opens to the apartment lobby; one step closer to me finally being able to let this off my chest. I get to the front door of their apartment and immediately start shaking out my hands.

“Ya, Jaemin, jin-jeong-hae,” I said to myself to calm down. I ring their doorbell, and Grace’s father, Weston, answers the door.

“Jamie,” he said, welcoming me into their apartment. I smiled and this time remembered not to bow to them. I can hear Grace’s voice scolding me not to do it.

“Hi, Mr. Ashmore,” I greeted. Grace’s mother, Mollie, walks out of the kitchen with a worried look on her face. “Hi, Mrs. Ashmore–“

“Is Grace okay?” she immediately asked me.

“Mollie, the kid just walked in,” her father said. I nervously rubbed the back of my neck, feeling my face get hot.

“Grace is fine; she’s with Willow on a playdate with Emerson and Camilla’s daughters at their house for the day.” I see Mollie let out a sigh of relief.

“I just didn’t think you’d be coming alone,” Mrs. Ashmore commented, finally pulling me into a hug. I take a seat across from Mr. Ashmore as Mrs. Ashmore sat on the armrest next to her husband. “But of course, we’re glad you came for a visit.”

“Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Ashmore.”

“Please, call me Mollie,” Mollie insisted. “Don’t give him a bigger head than he already has; you can call him by his first name.” Weston looked up at his wife, giving her a look. She immediately returns it back to him. So this is what years of marriage look like on a couple. I start fidgeting with my fingers, letting out a deep breath followed with a smile.

“I wanted to make a visit before Mrs.–Mollie goes back for the production.” I explained, trying to stay focused on the task.

“Trust me, I’m not looking forward to that plane ride back,” Mollie commented. “I’m just hoping that Grace doesn’t pop out Maki while I’m away.” My eyes widen, surprised. Weston immediately noticed the look.

“Something tells me we weren’t supposed to know the name and sex of the baby,” Weston laughed off.

“Fuck,” Mollie said and immediately covered her mouth. “Don’t blame Grace; I sorta kinda made her tell me.”

“You mean you pressured her,” Weston admitted. “All she had to do was cry in front of Grace and make her feel guilty.”

“All I did was show her the blanket I’m crocheting!” Mollie spat back, hitting Weston’s arm. “All she said was, ‘oh-my-god, she’s gonna love it’, and then well she couldn’t just tell me the sex without telling me her name!” I laugh along, not expecting Grace to keep secrets like this from her parents.

“It’s okay,” I reassured her parents. “I understand her excitement to share all of the big news about Maki.”

“And she’s remembering to eat and rest, right?” Mollie asked. I looked at her, seeing the concern in her eyes.

“Rest assured, I am making sure she does,” I firmly answered, relieving some of that stress from her mother. Grace would talk about how her mother has been “on her case” about these things, not understanding the sudden concern. I don’t argue with her, but despite how their relationship as mother and daughter went, Mollie is Grace’s mother, and mothers will always worry about their children.

Mollie gets up from the armrest. “Do you guys want anything to drink? Water, juice, coffee?”

“I’ll take a coffee, Mrs–Mollie; thank you,” I answered, trying to get used to calling her parents by their first names.

“I’ll take coffee as well,” Weston said as Mollie walked to the kitchen. There was a moment of silence between me and her father. God, maybe I should’ve been more prepared to talk to her father.

“You and Mollie have a beautiful space,” I said, trying to start up a conversation. Her parents’ place was a 3 bedroom apartment in the Lenox Hill area, not too far from Central Park. Whenever Grace and I spent the night here, we would stay in the guest room, or the “unofficial closet of Mollie’s dance attire. Seriously, it felt like sleeping in a museum exhibit.

“This was all Mollie’s doing,” Weston mentioned, looking around the living room area. “When I first moved to New York while Grace was in college, Mollie came over and said she felt like she was visiting someone’s hotel room rather than someone’s home. Little by little, she started moving in her things in here like pictures and home decor.” I nodded as I looked on the coffee table display, noticing a picture of Grace as a baby. I couldn’t help but smile. Ahh, jagiya as an agi.

“Grace is big with pictures too,” I said, picking up the baby photo of Grace. “This is one she hasn’t shown me though.”

“That was one that Mollie specifically put up,” Weston said. “The one she kept with her for years.” I smiled, placing the photo frame back down on the table. Undoubtedly, Grace’s parents loved her. Sure, Grace carries her past heavy, and it’s taken patience to understand and accept that she fights with that despite how good things are for her now. All I can do is make sure that Grace is loved now, in the present day, and for the rest of her life; as long as I’m here to do so.

Mollie comes back with the coffee for Weston and I. I thank her as I place the mug on top of a coaster on the coffee table. I cleared my throat before I spoke. This is it, Jaemin-ah.

“I wanted to come over and talk about something with you both,” I began to say, beginning to feel nervous. Mollie suddenly shifts in her seat next to Weston. “Uhm, uh–“

“Oh god, don’t tell me you and Grace are breaking up,” Mollie said out loud.

“Oh! No, no–”

“Geez Mollie, you’re making the kid nervous!”

“Look at his face, he looks like he’s about to puke–“

“Mr. and Mrs. Ashmore,” I intervened. Both her parents looked back at me. “I mean… Weston, Mollie. Grace and I are not breaking up. Far from it, actually.” I realized that the longer I dragged this out, the more time I gave Mollie to think of the absolute worst. Just speak from your heart. That’s the easy part.

I sat up straight, looking at Grace’s parents looking back at me. Before I can say anything, Mollie’s eyes widen.

“Are you and Grace getting married?!” she asked. Aigoo. I don’t say anything quick enough for Mollie to squeal in excitement. She quickly covered her mouth, keeping in the sound. I looked over at Weston, whose face depicts the opposite of Mollie.

“Mol,” Weston finally said, turning his face to his wife. “Can you give Jamie and I a minute?”

“Don’t scare the poor kid, Wes–“

“Mollie.” She looked at him, and the smile vanished from her face. She swallowed hard before looking at me, giving a smile of reassurance. Mollie walked out of the living room, closing the door behind her.

There was this uncomfortable silence between Weston and me. The air was thick, so it felt like the silence was choking me. I cleared my throat as I looked over at Weston. He picked up the baby picture of Grace from the coffee table, smiling down at it as he placed his fingers over the glass.

“The night Grace was born, Mollie and I were back in our small apartment in Brooklyn. It was my 25th birthday. We watched Halloween movies all night; she compromised watching some of my favorite thrillers.” He smiled as he spoke. “Grace was born around 11 o’clock that night. I was a nervous wreck in that hospital room. Mollie had to undergo an emergency surgery after Grace was born, so the doctors insisted I did skin-to-skin with Grace. I was the first person to ever hold her, look at her…my entire life changed in that moment.” Weston looked up at me. “You’ll understand when you hold your daughter for the first time.”

Weston doesn’t know just how many times I’ve had that dream at night, anticipating for Maki’s arrival.

“It was always me and Grace. She may not fully understand it, but my life became hers once she came into the world. As she got older, she definitely tested my limits with the decisions she made, simply because she was so much like her mother… the parts I didn’t understand about Grace. But I always think back to that first moment. Seeing her for the first time and in that moment devoting my life to protect her as best as I can. I just wanted Grace to be happy. That was something I always wanted for Grace.”

“Me too,” I said. I tried to gather my words and put them in sentences that made sense. How can I put everything that I’ve worked for the last year and half in words? “I have two older sisters, and only my oldest sister had the privilege to have our father give away her hand in marriage. He passed away a couple of years after, and understand just how important his role was in the family, especially now that I’m preparing to take on that role in my own little family.” Weston nodded his head agreeing with me.

“You will also dread this exact moment,” Weston laughed as he joked, fighting back tears. “The moment you let your little girl’s hand go.” I tightly smiled, empathetic to his feelings.

“Mr. Ashmore,” I began to say in a more serious tone. “I am undoubtedly in love with your daughter. That’s something that never changed despite our history. I still remember meeting her for the first time, and something about her captivated me. I knew that one day things would work in our favor, and that today would eventually happen because, I knew she was the one.” I let our a deep breath, feeling relief letting those words out. “Which is why it was so important to come here and ask you for your daughter’s hand in marriage.”

“You understand my hesitation, right?” Weston asked. I nodded, noting Grace’s past engagement.

“Absolutely,” I answered, not breaking eye contact with him. I was growing worried now, thinking Weston was going to say no. I mean, of course he would be questionable; he’s probably had this exact moment the first time; it’s pretty much the same thing! Grace is pregnant, now the man wants to marry her?! I would tell Maki ‘absolutely not’ if it was me–

“I’m always going to worry about Grace. She’ll always be my little girl.” He swallowed hard before clearing his throat. “But, I know she’s in good hands with you… Right, Mollie?” Weston called out. Mollie opens the cracked door of the room open, squealing in excitement.

“Please tell me you brought the ring to show us!” Mollie said, walking toward us and sat next to Weston. I laughed, digging in my jacket pocket to pull out a small box. I opened it, revealing the engagement ring to Grace’s parents.

…

I hear Grace’s keys jingling outside of our apartment door before opening it. I turned around to greet the girls until Willow stomped into the apartment all angry.

“Willow?” I said before she slammed her door shut. Grace walked in, looking just as pissed as Willow.

“You better go and talk to her, Jamie,” Grace demanded.

“What’s wrong with Willow?”

“I swear she’s 6 going on 16,” Grace said, dropping her purse on the island countertop and ripping her jacket off. “She had a whole tantrum at Em and Cami’s when Susie showed Willow her room, which was decorated to fit a little girl’s dream–“

“Is she–“

“Of course she’s still upset about the room!” Grace spat out. “And now she’s going to hate me because I can’t give her her own room and I just–” Aigoo, here come the tears.

“Jagiya,” I pulled her in for a hug. Comforting Grace has become a weekly occurrence these days, especially the more restricting her pregnancy has made things. “She’s not going to hate you.”

“I just don’t want her to think I favor Maki more than her or make her feel like the black sheep in the family,” Grace expressed out loud.

I placed my hands on her shoulders, looking at her in the eyes now. “She’s not going to think that, jagiya. Let me go and talk to her, okay?” She simply nodded her head. I kissed her forehead, walking towards Willow’s room.

I knocked on the door. “Willow Bean?” I cracked the door open, taking a glimpse inside the room. “Willow?”

“Leave me alone,” a muffled voice said. I opened the door, walking toward Willow whose faced down on her pillow.

“Can we talk?” She doesn’t answer right away. “Willow Bean?” She turns around to face me, eyes puffy and red from crying. “Ya“, I said, reaching for a tissue on Willow’s nightstand. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to share my room with the new baby,” Willow pouted as she said. “This is my room. All of my stuff is in my room.” I nodded as I listened to her.

“Why don’t you want to share your room?”

“Because this is my room,” she emphasized. “It has always been my room.”

“You’re right; this has always been your room,” I started to say. “But where will Maki sleep?” Willow shrugged her shoulders up, not really caring. Well said, Willow Bean.

“She can sleep outside,” Willow answered. Don’t laugh, Jaemin-ah. I gathered myself together before I kneel down on the ground before her.

“But you’re her big sister,” I started to explain. “She’s going to see you as the coolest person in the world.”

Willow’s eyes widen in shock. “Really?” I smiled as I nodded.

“Really. You know Aunt Lia wanted to be like Aunt Mina when they were your age. Sometimes, Aunt Mina was annoyed at her little sister, but she didn’t know Aunt Lia was following her because she looked up to her.

“Did they share a room?” I nodded my head.

“Ne, majayo; they did. Now they like to spend all of their time together and are now super close because they are sisters. But, it took some time.” Willow shifted in her seat, kicking her feet out along her bed to now face me.

“What if she doesn’t like me?” Willow asked with her head down, looking at her hands.

“Ya, Willow Bean,” I lowered my head until she saw me looking at her. “Maki is going to love you because she has you as her big sister.”

“Can I still have my stuff in my room?” I smiled, nodding my head.

“All of your stuff,” I answered. “But, Maki is going to have to have her stuff in here too.” Willow looked up in he direction that the empty crib is on the other side of the room. “Is that okay if Maki has her stuff in here too?”

“Only if she doesn’t touch my stuff,” Willow demanded. I laughed, getting up from the ground of Willow’s room.

“I’ll tell Maki for you,” I began to say. “Come on, Mama’s waiting for you to take your bath before bed.” Willow walks over to her dresser and opens up one of the drawers. I turned around, facing the doorframe of Willow’s room. Standing there is Grace, now with a huge smile on her face.

“It has always been you.”

I nervously bounced my leg at the gate, looking at the screen for boarding. The sun is barely up, but the holiday lights are brightly lit back in New York City.

Kevin showed up late yesterday evening to drive me to the airport. After loading my bags into his car, we walked back into the empty apartment, grabbing the last things in there. Kevin stood near the doorframe as I gathered the remaining things. I only notice him when I look back up.

“Is it sinking in yet?” Kevin asked.

“Mwo? What?”

“Is it all sinking in yet? The empty apartment? The bags of luggage? Your passport and your carry on?” I didn’t think much of it. I was too busy trying to make it to my flight on time.

“I am going to the airport, Kevin.”

“With a one way ticket to New York City. You do know it’s gonna cost more to get a one way ticket back to Incheon?” I couldn’t help but smile, rolling my eyes as I patted his shoulder.

“I know, Kevin; I know,” I said, sighing. “I’m just trying to be the one keeping it together.” I knew how crazy it was to go across the world with nothing but your belongings, hoping that the woman you love loves you back. I knew that anything could happen once I land in America, and for me to not prepare for the worst case scenario meant just how mics I was willing to sacrifice this time for Grace.

“What made you solidify it?” He asked, walking toward me to grab a couple of things off the load. “How long have you sat with this decision?”

“She invited me to her last show,” I began to say with a smile on my face. “I wasn’t going to go initially. I had thought it would’ve been inappropriate for me to go considering what conspired the night Shawn and Skylar were leaving for America. But, it was bothering me. The thought lingered throughout the day, and I felt myself feeling sad about not seeing her dance. I couldn’t help knowing the last memory I’d have of Grace is of her dancing at her final show of the production. I went to her show with the intent that was going to be the last time I got to see Grace.” I reflected, playing with the passport book in my hand.

Kevin looked confused. “So, what changed your mind?”

“The moment she stepped on stage and danced.”

…

By the time I got to New York, it was the following morning. The sun was barely up, and the winter wind was frigid at this hour. I checked into my hotel and immediately dropped my bags onto the bed and headed back out. I needed an iced Americano only from the cafe.

I missed the cafe like it was home. In the years I’ve been here, nothing ever has changed. I can visually see each and every memory I had in here with Grace. The coffee never changed, and the atmosphere always remained the same.

I walked into the cafe, surprised to see some people up drinking their morning coffee. I noticed Bernie at the counter, wiping it down with a rag. As I got closer to the encounter, Bernie looked up, immediately noticing me.

“Jamie? Is that really you?” He joked, squinting his eyes as he spoke. I laughed, smile on my face.

“It’s great to see you, Bernie,” I said, slightly bowing out of politeness. “I literally just hopped off the plane, put my bags down in my hotel room, and ran over here for an iced americano.” Bernie laughed out loud, holding his belly as he did.

“I’m flattered! What brings you back to New York? New case you’re working on?”

I shook my head before I answered back. “No, no; not a case…” I didn’t know what to tell Bernie. I didn’t want him to say something that would’ve told me this was a bad idea or something. But, Bernie was like an old neighborhood friend to her. She spoke highly of him the moment she introduced me to him all those years ago, and I felt like I needed the approval from him in a way. From the looks of it, he seemed to still be very accepting of me.

Bernie cocked up an eyebrow as he began making my drink, pouring in the espresso. “Well, I doubt you came all the way here just to see me and get a drink.” I nervously laughed at Bernie’s response. He must know.

“Got me there,” I said back, putting my hands in my coat pocket. “You think she’ll come in today?” Bernie looked back up at me with a smile on his face. He absolutely knew I was here for Grace.

“If she’s back from her trip, then of course.” Bernie placed the cup of iced americano on the counter. “Is she expecting you?”

“No,” I answered shyly, taking out my wallet. Bernie waved his hand at me, stopping what I was doing. I looked up at him, confused.

“I’ve known Grace for a long time, sonny. Her coming back to New York after being away for so long is already going to cause a ton of anxiety for her. So, excuse me when I say this, but… your intentions of being back here to see her better be good.” I looked at Bernie as he spoke. He was absolutely right, and I was glad that there were people that still looked out for her even while she was away. It just comes to show just how well loved she truly is.

“Of course, Bernie.”

“How long are you here for?”

“I’m staying in New York.” It was the first time saying this in person. Bernie was the first person in New York to hear me say these exact words. They didn’t feel as foreign as I thought they’d be, and they didn’t seem as scary to say out loud either. It was almost like it was suppose to be the answer to Bernie’s concerns. It was the right thing to say because it was true.

Bernie, on the other hand, seemed genuinely surprised. “For good?” I simply just nodded my head. “You’re staying in New York for Grace?”

“If she’s willing, that’s the plan.” I looked at Bernie, feeling as if I was talking to a father figure of Grace’s. I was more nervous talking to Bernie than her actual father a couple of years ago, back when we were dating.

Bernie scoffed a bit, making another cup of coffee for another customer beside me. He hands the man the coffee before he directs his attention to me again. He sighed, but let out a smile as he looked at me.

“Well,” he began to say. “I think she’s in for a delightful surprise then today.” He nodded towards the direction where Grace and I usually sat at. “You know where to find her when she comes.” I thanked Bernie and took my drink to the table. An hour passed by, but Grace wasn’t here yet. The longer I waited in here for her, the more regret I began to feel. What if this was a bad idea? What if I just left my entire life behind for nothing? What if this isn’t what she wanted?

By the time it was 10AM, I began to come with the terms that maybe this wasn’t the right thing to do. I sighed, about to finish my iced americano and walk back to the hotel to figure something out. I got up, handing the glass over to Bernie at the counter.

“Leaving already?”

“Yeah,” I said in a defeated way. “As much as I would love to stay here, I really should get going–“

“Nonsense,” Bernie interrupted, getting another glass from the rack. “This one’s on the house.”

“Bernie–“

“I won’t take no for an answer, sonny.” He quickly whipped up another iced americano and handed it over to me. I looked back up at him. “Don’t give up on what you want.” I take the drink, walking to the opposite side of the cafe to clear my mind. It was weird over here, but perhaps this was the best spot to really think what needs to happen next.

I opened my phone and began looking at flights back to Incheon. Kevin was right; it would cost me an arm and a leg to go back home now.

Then, it happened. The door to the cafe opened, and I immediately noticed her red, curly hair in a messy updo. Grace.

She rushed to the counter with a handful of papers in her arm, greeting Bernie. He smiled at her, pointing her to the table that I was originally sitting at, waiting for her at. Our table. I tried to not stare too hard at her like a creep. I all of a sudden I felt nervous to walk over there. Everything was leading up to this moment, and I didn’t know how to finally make things happen.

“If you’re ever visiting New York, you know where to find me,” Grace said as she walked me out of her hotel room in Ulsan. I smiled, taking this as the last possible time I’d get to talk to Grace face-to-face. The last time I’d get to kiss her lips.

“Thanks, Bernie,” I hear Grace say. Bernie placed the coffee on the table, smiling at her. I looked down at my phone, exiting out the screen of flights. It wasn’t long after that I heard a pile of papers fall to the ground. I looked up, noticing Grace get up from the table to pick them up. I didn’t even think twice to walk over there to help out.

“Fuck,” I hear Grace say as she begins to gather her papers. I kneeled in front of her, helping her pick up the papers. “Thanks, you didn’t have to–” Grace stopped mid sentence as she looked up. Her eyes widen in shock. All I could do is smile at her and hand over her papers.

“Jamie?”

“You were right about the coffee here,” I began to say. “Once you’ve had Bernie’s coffee, no other coffee can compare.” Before Grace said anything else, Bernie comes over to check on Grace.

“You’re okay?” Bernie came rushing to us. We both looked up at Bernie as he backed away from the papers.

“All good,” I said, handing the last batch of papers to Grace. Bernie smiled at me before he walked back to the counter. I looked at Grace as she got up, which prompted me to get up alongside her.

“I-uhm,”

“I know,” I simply said, putting my hands in my pocket. “Sorry.”

“No, no,” Grace said, clearing the seat in front of her. I looked at her for permission. “Sit.” I sat down in the seat across from her. She was definitely frazzled. Ahh, jagi-… I mean Grace.

…

By the time Grace sorted out her paperwork, she seemed to be more relaxed. I was glad that she didn’t seem stressed that I was here. It was weird; it was like nothing ever changed between us; just the destination.

“So, I wasn’t expecting to see you so soon,” Grace joked as she sipped her coffee. I smiled at her, drinking yet another iced americano that Bernie offered, followed with a cream cheese bagel. “Did you decide to take a pit stop to New York?”

“Mwo? Pit stop?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Grace nodded her head. “To California to visit Shawn.” Oh. My eyes widen, nodding my head trying to take in this assumption of hers. To believe I would travel all the way to New York first just to see Shawn in another state is crazy.

“I’m… not going to visit Shawn.” Grace scrunched her eyebrows as she chewed on a piece of her bagel, seeming confused.

“No?”

“No.” I looked at Grace, hoping she was able to read in between the lines.

“So you’re here on a vacation, or this is another work related trip?” She asked, not looking at me as she did. She probably assumes this time is like the others. I can see herself try to distance herself away from me, I hopes her heart doesn’t put too much hope in what she’s feeling. Just rip the bandage already, Jamie.

“I’m in New York for good.”

Grace looked up from her coffee. “For good?”

“For good.” I stare at Grace, waiting for her to say something. I don’t want to assume that this is what she wants. I want to hear her say it, not because I need the validation, but because I need her to believe in the things she wants.

“Oh.”

“Oh?” I laughed as I repeated. It wasn’t like Grace to be without words.

“I just–“

“Didn’t think I’d come back for you?” I finally said, ripping the entire bandage off of the conversation. Grace seemed taken back by the bluntness of my response. All she could do is just nervously laugh it off.

“Alright, where’s Sky and Shawn? Are they going to jump from underneath a table or something?”

“Grace.” It was all I needed to say for her to finally believe me. I didn’t break eye contact with her, or make it seem like I had anything to joke about. The laugh quickly came to an halt; it was now a look of confusion written all over her face.

“You’re being serious?”

“Super serious, jagiya.” It felt so good to call Grace that. For the last 7 months, I tried so desperately to make it fit for anyone else that wasn’t her. It was useless, to be honest; it was Grace’s for a reason.

Grace leaned in closer to the table, as if she needed to whisper this question to me. “So you’re trying to tell me you left your whole life behind in Korea; job, family, everything behind… for me?”

I leaned in closer to the table as well, close to her. “Majayo.” She quickly snapped back in her seat, holding her mouth in shock.

“Jamie,” she said with her mouth still covered. “I–“

“Let me explain,” I put out my hand, trying to calm her down. “It was my decision to make. I wanted to do this.”

“Since-“

“Ya, jagiya,” I slightly teased, raising an eyebrow. “Let me explain.” Grace simply nodded her head, taking a sip of her coffee in desperation. I let out a deep breath before I continued speaking, finally saying what I felt these last couple of days out loud to the person that mattered most.

“I would like to believe something was pulling me toward you. I don’t know what you could call it; the universe, maybe? Something out of our control kept putting us together, and sure you can say it was Skylar and Shawn, but… even then I found myself needing to see you… aigoo, that sounds super creepy–“

“If it were anyone else; yes,” Grace teased, smiling at me. I was relieved for her to at least say that.

“The night you invited me to your last show… I wasn’t going to go.”

She cocked up an eyebrow. “Jeez, Jamie…”

“Not because I didn’t want to,” I quickly defended, laughing off the nervousness. “I felt like it could’ve been inappropriate to just show up after everything that happened at Skylar and Shawn’s–“

“But…”

“But?”

She raised both eyebrows up. “But you ended up coming.”

“How’d you know that I did?” I could see Grace’s face getting red. She shifted in her seat, sighing before she answered.

“I saw you in the audience.” I looked at Grace, taking her all in for the first time since sitting here. She…saw me. In an audience packed for the last show of the Ulsan production.

“So, you felt it too?” I finally asked.

“Felt what?”

“That pull,” I answered, smirking a little bit. She did too, giving me the answer without saying a word. “I had to see you dance one last time, and when I did…I knew.”

“Knew what?”

“Jagiya, the more questions you ask, the longer it will take me to explain,” I slightly teased her. She playfully rolled her eyes as I laughed. “I knew it was you. It has always been you.”

…

Grace and I stayed in the cafe nearly all day, catching up and talking. I was glad Bernie didn’t mind us staying there; I think in a way he was happy to finally see Grace happy in the cafe. Not swarmed and stressed over work, or hungover on those reckless nights out. I think he had known we’d both built a home within this cafe, and sensed that Grace and I didn’t want the day to end.

“I hate to kick you guys out,” Bernie walked over to us, drying a mug with a rag in his hand. “But I think you both broke the world record of ‘world’s longest coffee hangout’.” We both begin to get up from the table, helping Bernie bring the empty dishes from our table to the counter.

“We’re sorry for staying so long,” Grace apologized. Bernie waved his hand, dismissing it entirely.

“Nonsense, I just have to get home to my wife.” Bernie laughed as he gathered the dishes toward the back. “I’ll see you two bright and early for a coffee and iced americano!”

Grace and I walked out of the cafe, taking in the brisk winter air. It had just started to snow. We looked at each other, waiting for the other to say something. I guess I’ll be the one to do so.

“I guess I should get–” Before I was even able to finish my sentence, Grace leaped into my arms, kissing me hard on the lips. I wrapped my arms around her, kissing her back underneath the falling snow, in front of the place where our story began all those years ago.

“Jamie.” I heard Grace call out my name. I turned around and see her extending her arm out at me, helping her along the path toward the pier. It was a beautiful Spring morning in upstate; warmer than we expected for the end of April. I grabbed her hand and guided her down the path. She catches her breath once she’s next to me. “Are we almost near the pier?”

“We are,” I smiled as I said, pointing towards the beginning of the pier. The water of the Hudson River sparkled in the sunrise, making this moment extra special. Hand in hand, Grace slowly walked closer to the pier, taking in the sight in front of us. I couldn’t stop looking at Grace; her hair moving in each direction from the slight wind, and her oversized cardigan makes Maki show even more. I can’t believe that I’m going to be a father in a few short weeks.

I never thought starting a family was destined for me a couple of years ago. Not only did my job take a lot of my time, I simply couldn’t think about starting one with anyone else besides Grace. It was like the first time seeing her in New York all those years ago solidified that need. I knew from there that Grace was the one I wanted to experience all of that with.

Grace catches me staring at her a little too long. Her giggle makes me snap out of my thoughts, focusing on the present day again.

“What?” I asked.

“You were staring at me with that look again,” Grace teased.

“What look?”

“That look you give when you are thinking about the future.” Grace was beginning to pick up on the facial expressions I make for different thought processes I had. It was getting harder to tell her some fib, especially when the future I was thinking of was Grace and I being more than just mom and dad, but also wife and husband.

“Of course,” I play along, swinging her arm as we walked. “I am thinking about the moment I get to see Maki for the first time ever.”

“The very first time? I don’t know if the first image you want to see of our daughter is her covered in everything going on inside. Leave it to Grace to be openly honest about every little thing.

“Well, I didn’t think so explicitly,” I laughed as I responded. “I thought more so of the first moment she’s wrapped up in a blanket, in your arms for the first time.”

“Oh I can relate,” Grace began to say as she smiled at me. “I look forward to seeing you hold Maki in your arms for the first time ever.”

“Ya,” I playfully said with a growing smile. “You’re going to get me all nervous.” Grace looked at me once we got to the rear of the pier. Grace slowly sits down on the pier, groaning in relief once she is off her feet. I sit next to her, watching Grace swing her feet on the edge.

“Jamie?” Grace softly said. It made me turn my head to her, giving her my full attention. She looked a little sullen. “Is it bad to say that sometimes, I think about what if we decided to… you know… be parents to that baby all those years ago? How life would be like right now for us?” I looked at Grace, taking in this heavy question. I don’t let Grace know that the thought has come up a few times since Maki came along. I simply just don’t want Grace to regret her decision, especially considering the circumstances. I wasn’t even ready, reflecting back on it now.

“No,” I simply answered. “It’s a completely normal thought to have. I understand why it comes up now; we can’t imagine our lives without Maki now.”

“Is it bad to have not felt that way the first time?”

“You were a different person back then. You weren’t ready, and you based your decision on that factor knowing it was the most important one.”

“Important factor?” Grace repeated.

“The factor being that you knew you wouldn’t be able to properly give your unconditional love and true self into that child.” Talking about this was something I wasn’t expecting. I don’t even remember the last time we did; not because we avoid speaking about it, but it was something that we both knew was the right decision. I wouldn’t be sitting on this pier with the woman of my dreams, and the mother of my child.

“I tell myself that it was the right decision to make simply because we didn’t know if we were ever going to make it.” Grace admitted. I placed my hand on her thigh, rubbing it for reassurance, and for confirmation that what she believes is correct.

“It’s the right thing to tell yourself, jagiya. That had to happen in order for us to believe that we were going to make it back to each other.” Grace smiles and kisses me on the lips, feeling like our first kiss all over again. She looks back up at me, looking deep into my eyes. “Mwo?”

“Sometimes when I look at you, I wonder how did I get so lucky to have a man like you, to love me?” Grace admitted. I feel my face getting hot, taken back by her lovely words.

“Because he is undoubtedly, madly in love with a woman like you, and to have her love me back.” I kissed her lips softly, caressing her neck to deepen it. She opened her eyes and looked at me. I swear, I saw hearts as her pupils. I take Grace’s curly had and place it behind her ears before slowly getting up, resting myself casually on one knee.

“Jagiya,” I began to say. She turned her head toward my direction, focusing on me. “I want to tell you a story.”

“A story?”

“A story about the day I knew you were the one.” Grace’s eyebrows cock up, seeming off-guard there. “It was the day you came hiking with me in Taehwagang, on the anniversary of my dad’s passing.” Grace’s eyes softened, yet so attentive to me. “That was the first time I ever invited someone to hike on that path with me. For years, I felt like he was still there with me, until the day you came. It was like a sign from my father, telling me you were the only one to ever make that day easy for you. I left Taehwagang, knowing that there was no way for me to not feel how I feel about you. All I knew to feel around you was absolute love.”

“Jamie,” Grace said as she wipes for fallen tears.

“But, it was also those very first times at the cafe. There was always something about you, Grace. And since then, I feel like this was something I always thought about asking you.” I reached into my right pocket, taking out a tiny baby blue box. Grace gasped, holding her mouth in shock.

“Jamie,” Grace said again, now reacting to what was happening.

“And you always knew that it was you that I wanted to call my wife in the future.” I slowly opened the box, revealing the engagement ring I’ve saved up for in the last year and a half since being back in New York. I knew I was coming back to New York with the intent of marrying Grace one day. I just never knew that it would feel so definite as it does now.

“Grace Renee Ashmore, will you give me the honor to finally make you my wife?”

As I begin to take the ring out of the box, Grace finally speaks.

“Ask me.”

I was confused. “Ask you?”

“In Korean.” I couldn’t up but smile at her request. I take her left hand, holding her ring with my fingers. I hovered the ring over her ring finger, looking back up at her.

“jagiya, nalang gyeolhonhae jullae?” I smiled as I asked again. “Will you marry me?”

“Yes,” Grace quickly said as she nodded her head in excitement. It made me laugh, realizing just how much Grace has thought about this moment. It was like she was waiting on me to confirm that we both wanted this for us. I slowly slid the ring on her finger; a gold, princess cut band with a singular red ruby in the middle, surround by two tiny ones. It looked amazing on her.

She took a moment to admire the ring in her finger. She was crying tears of joy, laughing through the happy moment.

“We’re… we’re really getting married,” Grace finally said out loud. It sounded surreal to hear.

“Finally,” I teased. Grace playfully hits my arm as I laugh. I couldn’t help but lean in towards Grace’s jawline, gently giving her a kiss. “I get to call you my beautiful wife.”

“That sounds pretty good rolling off the tip of your tongue,” Grace flirted, grabbing my face and shoves her lips onto mine. This moment almost feels like the very first time we kissed. The fire, the passion, and the excitement to see what the future held for us. Even after all these years, I am still so in love with her.

“Why don’t we take our celebration back to the cabin?” I teased, biting the bottom of her lip. A quick moan escapes from her mouth into mine, deepening the lustful kiss.

“Another amazing idea from my fiancé.”

I lifted Grace up in my arms, carrying her back to the cabin. She wrapped her arms around my neck, nothing but a huge smile on her face.

If you were to ask me a year and a half ago—traveling to Incheon for a 5:00AM flight to JFK, in hopes that when I got back to New York, she knew I was here for her—that Grace and I would be waking up on our last day of our babymoon, returning back to the city engaged? I wouldn’t believe you.

These next couple of months were the true test of Grace and I’s relationship. The initial engagement was magical, and the excitement to announce it to our friends and family took us over. We were simply on cloud nine that day, and love was the only thing that was on my mind.

It felt weird going to Shawn and Skylar’s place without Grace; even more so, it was weird telling Grace I was going to run an errand without telling her that errand included her cousin, and my best friend.

I knocked on their apartment door, and to my surprise, Skylar’s the one that answers it. She immediately pulled me into the apartment by my jacket, closing the door behind me.

“For fuck’s sake, what took you so long?” Skylar said as she hurried to the couch next to Shawn. I sat in the chair directly across from him, letting out a breath as I did.

“It’s kind of hard to leave Grace behind when she’s asking about your every move nowadays,” I answered. Grace was extra clingy these days now that she is officially on maternity leave. Her doctor instructed her to take these next two months off, as they are some of the most crucial parts of the pregnancy. It was hard having Grace around 24/7, especially in the gist of me trying to do something without her knowledge.

“What did you end up telling her, Hyung?” Shawn asked.

“I told her I had to run to do an errand; nothing specific,” I said, bouncing my leg anxiously. “I thought she was going to catch me for sure today.”

“Well thank god she didn’t,” Skylar added. “So, what were you thinking about doing?”

“I was planning to take Grace to Korea before her doctor gave her strict orders to follow, so now I’m not sure what else I can do for Grace now that she’s so far along.”

“So, you don’t know when or where you and Grace are having your babymoon,” Skylar said, crossing her arms. A couple of months ago, I had suggested to both Shawn and Skylar that I was planning a babymoon for Grace. I had originally planned to have it earlier on into her pregnancy, but everything came speeding fast, and time was just not on our side. Grace was about to enter month 8, and a lot of the romantic ideas I had for her seem to be thrown out of the window.

“I want it to be special, but I don’t know where to take her,” I confessed. I feel like a lousy boyfriend. “I was thinking about getting a nice hotel in the city, but I feel like that’s still too close from home.”

“Yeah, and you know how Grace’s mind works; she would not be rested being too close to home.” Skylar commented. I sighed, putting my hands onto my head.

“How about something out of the city, like in upstate New York?” Shawn suggested. Skylar immediately turned her head to face him.

“Babe! That’s actually a good idea!” She looked at me with a smile before she spoke again. “I feel like what Grace needs right now is less stimulation. Between being in the city, managing the academy and feeling huge now, she needs to go to a place where it’s quiet.” I liked the idea, spending quiet time in a cabin or something outside of the city where there isn’t a siren going off, a car horn being honked, or blinding lights from the billboards. I also believe it would be the perfect spot to spend some quality time with Grace before our little girl comes.

…

“Jamie,” Grace said as she sat on the passenger’s side of our car. I quickly looked over at her, checking to see if she was okay. “How is this a birthday getaway for you if I don’t know where we’re going?” I smiled at her question, not answering her right away. On the actual day of my birthday, Grace and I went to Yonkers to celebrate Willow’s birthday with Max and his wife, Miriam. Willow and I share the same birth date, April 16th, so to my surprise we had two cakes to celebrate. Miriam told me that Willow was the one that said she shared the same birthday as me, which is why the cake they had for me was store bought instead of made. I didn’t care though; as long as I was celebrating my birthday with Grace and Willow is all that mattered to me.

It wasn’t until Grace and I got back to the city that I told her that I had planned my own birthday weekend getaway. Yes, she was mad at me for planning my own birthday trip, but I quickly had to remind her that my birthday gift from her wouldn’t be ready until June.

“Jagiya, I told you already; all you have to do is sit there and be a passenger princess,” I teased her as I drove. She huffed in her seat, looking outside of her window facing away from me. “Jagiyaaaa,” I dragged out.

“I just feel bad,” Grace finally admitted, turning her head around. “Between Willow’s birthday and everything else happening, I totally forgot about your birthday and—”

“Ya,” I stepped in, stopping her train of thought. “I already told you it was okay.”

“It still doesn’t make me feel any better.” At a red light, I finally took the opportunity to turn towards Grace and properly talk to her.

“Grace. I know your heart is in the right place, but you honestly do not need to feel bad about forgetting my birthday this year. Besides, as long as you’re here on this weekend trip with me; that’s all I wanted for my birthday.”

“You’re just saying that,” Grace argued.

“Think of it this way, jagiya,” I began to say, driving once the light turned green. “I am spending my birthday weekend with the most beautiful woman in the world, in a nice little cabin loft with absolutely nothing to think or worry about. This is my birthday gift from you.” I placed my hand on her thigh, slightly rubbing it for reassurance. She let out a deep breath before putting her hand on top of mine, signaling that she listened to what I was telling her. I quickly smiled at her before quickly focusing on the road.

…

We opened the front door of the cabin, in which Grace was in awe at first glance. Me, on the other hand, struggled carrying our luggage from our car to the wooden stairs of the cabin. After tossing the bags into the cabin, I closed the door behind us, catching my breath.

“This is so cute! It looks like a place straight out of a vision board,” Grace said, observing the space. She looked up toward the second floor where the bedroom was. “Oh, a loft bedroom is teenage Grace’s biggest dream.”

“I’m glad you like the space.” I went over to Grace and kissed her on the top of her head. I sat down on the couch, watching Grace was she walked around to tour the space. For a moment, I was able to picture Grace and I living in a place like this, older and retired from our jobs while gathering our little space for our kids to come visit us. Yes, kids; as in “many more to come”.

Grace turned around and faced me with the biggest smile on her face. Once she catches me looking back at her, she walks over to me, plopping herself right next to me on the couch.

“I can get used to this,” she said out loud. I laughed, pulling her close to me as I kissed her.

“Me too, jagiya.”

…

We decided for our first night, we would order some food for dinner after driving up here for most of the day. I could tell that Grace was super tired, even though she was fighting herself not to fall asleep during our movie night. Before she was able to quickly deny her tiredness, I ran her a bath to relax. It wasn’t long after that she put on her pajamas and knocked out on the bed while I was taking my shower for the night.

I walked upstairs to the bedroom and saw Grace sleeping soundly under the comforter. I couldn’t help but smile. Ahh, jagiya… if only you knew.

When Grace and I first met in New York almost 7 years ago, she was pushing around a baby stroller with Willow in it, kind of surprised that someone as young as Grace at the time would have had a child and jumped right into a case at her firm. It was also surprising to see that Willow actually laughed and smiled whenever Grace let me hold her. I had deemed her name as Little Bean, something that she used to go crazy about whenever I called her that. Since then, she’s always been Little Bean to me, even though in a couple of months there’ll be an actual little bean in the family again.

I was folding laundry one day with Grace when her phone rang on the vanity. She looked at the name and sighed, walking out of the room to take the call. From the way she sighed and excused herself, I knew she was talking to Max, Willow’s dad. While co-parenting has been the best option for them two since Willow was a baby, I could tell that certain topics and conversations are harder for Grace to have because of her own beliefs. For me, it was hard to get her out of that head space once she’s dug herself a deep enough hole. A couple of minutes later, she comes back into the room, sighing as she put her down back on the vanity, sitting on the chair and leaned back on it.

I turned around to check on her. “Jagiya, I can finish folding these clothes—”

“No, Jamie; I have to do it,” She quickly got up from the seat and walked to the pile of clothes on the bed. She was clearly in pain when she did.

“Grace,” I sternly said, worrying about her. “Go sit back down, you’re in pain and—”

“Stop treating me like I’m disabled or something,” Grace spat back defensively. “I still can do the little things and not have someone monitoring my every move.” I sighed loudly; today was going to be one of those days. Grace is at this stage of her pregnancy where she feels like she can’t do anything right; not because she can’t, it’s because she’s nearing the end of term in a couple of weeks. She was in a lot more pain nowadays, which made her snappy and moody a lot of the times. I knew she didn’t mean it, and she would always apologize and say she’s a bad person. I simply tell her, “Maki is just tired of being cooped up in there, she’s being impatient.”

“I know this can’t be about laundry,” I said, putting the piece of clothing back down on the bed. I turned around and looked at Grace sitting back down on the chair in the room. “What’s wrong, jagiya?”

“Everything,” Grace immediately answered. “Everything on my body hurts, and I have to go to the academy tomorrow for this inspection and I already know that the place needs renovations that’s going to cost me so much money, I have to finish Maki’s room before she comes, and then after all of that, Max calls me to remind me that he’s looking to book the venue space for Willow’s birthday.”

“Oh, you guys are throwing her a birthday party at a place?” I asked.

“We’re not; he is,” she answered, crossing her arms along her chest, resting them on top of her belly. “He only called to ask me what weekend works for me so that we could attend.”

“I’m not understanding what you’re upset about, jagiya,” I said, looking at Grace. She rolled her eyes at me, knowing she hated when she needed to actually explain her feelings and emotions properly.

“He’s thrown her birthday party every single year, and I was always the one that felt like the guest instead of her mother,” Grace admitted. I sat at the end of the bed, facing Grace. “For once, I want to be a part of the process.”

“Did you tell that to Max?”

“No.”

“So he doesn’t know that you want to contribute?”

“No.”

“Jagiya,” I smiled as I leaned backwards, trying to understand the situation. “If Max doesn’t know that him solely putting together Willow’s party makes you feel this way, how do you expect him to know?”

“It should always be a known fact that both parents should plan their child’s birthday parties,” Grace explained. She paused before she said anything else, clearly feeling uncomfortable now. “I… was never around to be a part of planning process, and I guess Max thought it would always be like that.”

“Grace, if you don’t it to be that way anymore, you have to tell him,” I said, trying to reassure her while validating her feelings. “Why don’t you tell him that you want to help this year?”

“I can’t.”

“Sure, you can; you can call him back and—”

“Jamie, I can’t,” Grace emphasized, looking directly at me. She sighed before she spoke again. “The academy isn’t doing well these days.” This was the first time hearing this from her. “A lot of the dancers are choosing to opt out of their contracts, especially since the building is literally falling apart, and I know that the inspection is going to cost me a lot to keep the building running, and on top of that we still have things to do before Maki comes, and… I just don’t have the money to help with Willow’s party.”

I scrunched my brows together, feeling slightly annoyed that Grace would keep something like this from me. I know Grace has this ideology that she has to manage the academy on her own because it was a family business. She always wanted to do things on her own and didn’t let anyone persuade her for help. I knew this would be something that she would have kept to herself if she was managing it the way she wanted it to.

I don’t bring up the fact that it irks me when she does this; it would just upset her even more and although I care about Grace and her well-being, I also have to consider that if she doesn’t feel good, Maki doesn’t either. Her stress will take an even bigger toll on her body; putting Maki’s health at risk too.

“Well, let’s start making a plan,” I said, slapping my knees with my hands to confirm. Grace looked up at me with a confused look on her face.

“A plan?” She repeated.

“A plan,” I stated, looking at her intently. “The academy isn’t going anywhere, and any damages that need to be fixed will be paid for—”

“But—”

“Maki’s room is almost done,” I continued, mentally checking things off the list of Grace’s worries. “We will call the painters later this week so that they can put up the wallpaper in her room.”

“I—”

“And,” I said, speaking over Grace. “We are going to call Max and ask how we can help plan Willow’s birthday party for her.” Grace looked at me, more angry than relieved in my opinion. This wasn’t the reaction I was expecting from her.

“No.”

I tilted my head, confused. “No?”

“No.” Grace didn’t say anything more to that, but she had this look on her face that turned her worries into literal anger. “Do you hear yourself?”

“What?”

“I pour out my financial problems with you and all of a sudden, you just make up this ridiculous plan?!” The alarm on the washer is heard, which makes Grace get up from her seat, storming out of the room. I quickly followed her as she walked toward the washer and dryer in our bathroom and attempted to empty the next bath of wet clothes from the washer.

“Jagiya—” I ran over to her, helping her unload the machine.

“I don’t need your help, Jamie!” She yelled out. I was completely taken off-guard hearing her yell that loud. “I’m sick and tired of everyone doing everything for me while I sit around and do absolutely nothing because I can’t!” I looked down at Grace, seeing the tears form in her eyes as she spoke. Aigoo. It’s been hard to keep Grace in a stable mood these days; between everything that’s going on and with time ticking down for Maki’s arrival, I worry that she’s been too hard on herself.

“Ya,” I sternly said with my brow scrunched together. “You are not going to try to take these heavy, wet clothes from the top washer, being almost 8 months pregnant. And before you can argue with me about that; let me remind you that the doctor already told us you shouldn’t be doing any heavy lifting these days.” Grace pouted as she looked at me, which lets me know that I’m right in what I am saying. The only thing she does is storm out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. These are the type of days when the best thing to do is to let Grace take some time to herself.

…

It’s nearly 11PM, and Grace and I decided to head on over to the cafe to have yet another serious conversation. We opened the door of the cafe. Grace immediately wobbled her way to our table, not saying a word to me, or to Bernie; the cafe owner that has known Grace and I since the very beginning.

I walked up to the counter where Bernie was polishing some glasses. He smiled, placing the rag on his shoulders before walking to the register.

“You’re both in here pretty late tonight,” he mentioned, taking out a note pad from his pocket and the pen from behind his ear.

I sighed before I smiled politely. “It’s one of those nights again.” Bernie winced, nodding his head.

“Well if there’s one thing I know about you is that you’ll help Grace get through it,” Bernie stated. “I know the restrictions are killing her ability of independence.” I nodded big, as if Bernie was able to take the words right out of my mouth. “The usual?”

“For me; yes,” I said, taking out my wallet. “For Grace, a hot chocolate. And a piece of your triple fudge chocolate cake.”

“Since when does Grace like chocolate cake?”

“Oh, she doesn’t,” I said as I paid for the drinks and dessert. “Our daughter does.”

I walked back to our table, placing down my iced americano and Grace’s hot chocolate and cake. Her mean demeanor slightly softened, looking up at me.

“You have to stop feeding Maki chocolate cake,” Grace said, putting her fork into the dessert. “I won’t be able to shed the pounds once I’m ready to go back to work.”

“Jagiya,” I said in a way that made Grace look at me. She knew it wasn’t the usual way I said her nickname; this time, it was more serious. “Why didn’t you tell me about the academy?”

“The academy has nothing to do with you,” Grace answered back quickly. “The academy was something I took on, which makes it my responsibility.”

“But we are still a team. If one of us is struggling with something, we are supposed to help each other get through it.”

“The academy is my responsibility—”

“Just how you are mine,” I debated back. “Grace, I don’t do these things because I think you are incapable of doing them on your own. I do them because you are a part of my own responsibilities.”

“I’m not going to burden you with something I chose to do. I should’ve kept up the academy better knowing that Maki was coming.” Grace lets out a deep breath, holding her belly. Before I could reach out for Grace’s hand, she waved it away. “I’m okay. I’m just… feeling really stressed these days and I swear, Maki can feel when I am.” I reached out for the hand that was still placed on the table, gently squeezing it to help Grace calm down.

“One of my many responsibilities is making sure my girls are okay. Maki can’t be okay if she senses her mom is not okay.” I can see the tears forming in her eyes again, biting the bottom of her lip to hold it together. I smiled gently at her, hoping that she is listening to what I am telling her. “I just want you to tell me these things. I want you to let me help you, not because I don’t think you’re capable of doing them on your own.” I picked up her hand and leaned in to kiss it, sitting back down afterwards. “But because we are a team now.”

“It feels wrong to have you fix the academy problem though,” Grace pointed out. “The academy is the one thing that always felt like it was mine. I always know how to fix something at the academy; things are just different now because we have Maki on the way, and I am just not able to juggle everything at once anymore.”

“That’s completely normal,” I reassured her. I got up from my seat to sit in the one next to her. I could now she how she was anxiously rubbing one side of her belly. I placed my hand over hers to stop her; to calm her down. She fails to realize my sole purpose is to always make sure she feels safe, calm, and secure. She fails to realize that this is just the beginning of her being my responsibility. “I understand that the academy is like your baby in a sense. It was for a long time.” I smiled as I looked at her belly with our hands on top of it. “It’ll always be your baby, the only thing that’s different now is that I have to make sure that my jagiya is okay, no matter what it is.” She finally smiled at me, taking a sip of her hot chocolate. If there’s one thing I knew about Grace, is that it was always a good sign to see Grace drink and eat; it was always an indicator that she was feeling better.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the academy,” Grace began to say. “These last couple of months have been so scary. I feel like I haven’t had time to actually take care of the things I normally would. Things just have been hard for me.”

“I know, jagiya,” I said, kissing her temple. “You’re doing the hardest job out of the both of us, so the least I can do is help out with the other things.” Grace smirked, which was always a good sign. She sighed as she faced her body toward me, going straight into business. “Can you accompany me for the day of the inspection? Just walk around the academy with them for me?”

“Of course.”

“As for Maki’s room… maybe we can save some money and just paint the room instead of putting up the wallpaper… maybe Shawn can come over and help you paint the room for me?

“I can ask him when he’s available.”

“And, uhm,” Grace shifted nervously in her seat. It was my time to take control of the situation.

“And,” I began to say. “We will call Max tomorrow and ask how we can contribute to Willow’s birthday party.” Grace smiled, which was the only thing I needed to know for confirmation.