In Korea, the legal age when a person is officially considered an adult is 20. Being the youngest and only son in my family, my father considered me becoming an adult a big deal.
He was the one that took me out to the bar for the first time, and told me what beer to order at the counter. My father wasn’t a big drinker, but I could tell this father and son moment was something that he anticipated. At the time, I didn’t see the importance of it. I couldn’t understand that this was his last child, and his only son, becoming a man now. At times, I think back and wish I cherish that moment more with him, knowing what I know now and going through my first experience of becoming a father myself.
Needless to say, it meant a lot to me to talk to Grace’s parents beforehand; before asking her to marry me.
…
“Are you sure you’re going to be okay traveling to Brooklyn with Willow by yourself?” I asked Grace as she packed a bag on the kitchen counter. She turned around and smiled at me, placing her hands on my chest.
“Babe, I’m going to be just fine,” she reassured me as she wrapped her arms around my body. “Em and Cami literally live off of the Brooklyn Bridge; it’s like pre-Manhattan.” I still wasn’t convinced. We had just found out Maki was a girl at Grace’s appointment a couple of weeks ago, and every time she needed to go out and do something, I was now worried about the safety of both Grace and our little girl. I didn’t want Grace to feel like I was tracking her every move, but I also didn’t want to have the thought that something bad could happen to her when I’m not around.
“Call a cab.”
“Cabs are expensive.”
“Grace,” I sternly said looking down at her now. She rolled her eyes, letting go of me.
“Jamie, we discussed this,” Grace said as she walked away from me, toward her bag. “I’ve been a New Yorker longer than you have–“
“But you’ve never traveled to Brooklyn by yourself, pregnant, and with a 6-year old little girl,” I emphasized, crossing my arms along my chest. Grace scrunched her eyebrows, now seeming annoyed.
“You know I can’t be taking cabs and wait whenever you’re available to drive me to the places I needed to be, Jamie. Plus, Willow needs to learn how to take the subway–“
“She’s 6; she’s not gonna ride the subway alone for a long time.” Grace didn’t say anything after that, which meant that I won today’s pit-and-pat discussion. “I just want all of my girls to be safe.” Grace smiled after a sigh of defeat.
“Willow,” Grace called out. I turned around to see the little girl walk out of her room, seeming a little annoyed. “We’re gonna go to Susie’s house for the day–“
“Susie has her own room; why can’t I have one?” I looked at Grace, waiting for her to say something.
“We went over this already, Willow; we don’t have an extra room for Maki when she gets here–“
“But it’s my room,” Willow huffed. “I don’t want the new baby in my room.”
“Sisters are supposed to share a room–“
“So why don’t Susie and Carmen share one?” I looked back up at Grace, waiting for her to answer this trivial question. I could tell Grace was losing her patience at this point.
“Hey, Willow Bean?” I intervened, getting down to her level. “Is it okay if we have this discussion after your day out with Mama?” I put my pinky finger up, initiating a promise to the young girl. It took her awhile to budge. “I promise.” Willow hesitated at first, but ultimately pinky promised me. She walked off, grabbing her bag from the couch. “That’s my girl.” She doesn’t look back at us, she simply walks towards the front door.
I kissed Grace goodbye, giving her her purse. “Love you; call me when you get there, jagiya. And please, don’t forget to do so this time.”
“Okay, dad,” she sarcastically said, walking out the door. Just practicing for my next role of life.
…
Grace’s parents were not your traditional couple, but if there was one thing that Grace told me, it was that her parents were meant to be together. She explained how they met in high school, and dated for a couple of years before losing contact in college. After reconnecting through mutual friends, they began to date again, and it wasn’t long after that they had Grace. Her relationship with her mother was estrange for the first 17 years of Grace’s life, and has always been up and down due to their clashing, strong personalities.
If telling her father was scary, imagine asking her mother the big question.
I finally got to the Ashmore residence, letting out a deep breath before ringing their bell.
“Who is it?” A woman’s voice said.
“Jamie,” I answered. Soon after, the door opens to the apartment lobby; one step closer to me finally being able to let this off my chest. I get to the front door of their apartment and immediately start shaking out my hands.
“Ya, Jaemin, jin-jeong-hae,” I said to myself to calm down. I ring their doorbell, and Grace’s father, Weston, answers the door.
“Jamie,” he said, welcoming me into their apartment. I smiled and this time remembered not to bow to them. I can hear Grace’s voice scolding me not to do it.
“Hi, Mr. Ashmore,” I greeted. Grace’s mother, Mollie, walks out of the kitchen with a worried look on her face. “Hi, Mrs. Ashmore–“
“Is Grace okay?” she immediately asked me.
“Mollie, the kid just walked in,” her father said. I nervously rubbed the back of my neck, feeling my face get hot.
“Grace is fine; she’s with Willow on a playdate with Emerson and Camilla’s daughters at their house for the day.” I see Mollie let out a sigh of relief.
“I just didn’t think you’d be coming alone,” Mrs. Ashmore commented, finally pulling me into a hug. I take a seat across from Mr. Ashmore as Mrs. Ashmore sat on the armrest next to her husband. “But of course, we’re glad you came for a visit.”
“Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Ashmore.”
“Please, call me Mollie,” Mollie insisted. “Don’t give him a bigger head than he already has; you can call him by his first name.” Weston looked up at his wife, giving her a look. She immediately returns it back to him. So this is what years of marriage look like on a couple. I start fidgeting with my fingers, letting out a deep breath followed with a smile.
“I wanted to make a visit before Mrs.–Mollie goes back for the production.” I explained, trying to stay focused on the task.
“Trust me, I’m not looking forward to that plane ride back,” Mollie commented. “I’m just hoping that Grace doesn’t pop out Maki while I’m away.” My eyes widen, surprised. Weston immediately noticed the look.
“Something tells me we weren’t supposed to know the name and sex of the baby,” Weston laughed off.
“Fuck,” Mollie said and immediately covered her mouth. “Don’t blame Grace; I sorta kinda made her tell me.”
“You mean you pressured her,” Weston admitted. “All she had to do was cry in front of Grace and make her feel guilty.”
“All I did was show her the blanket I’m crocheting!” Mollie spat back, hitting Weston’s arm. “All she said was, ‘oh-my-god, she’s gonna love it’, and then well she couldn’t just tell me the sex without telling me her name!” I laugh along, not expecting Grace to keep secrets like this from her parents.
“It’s okay,” I reassured her parents. “I understand her excitement to share all of the big news about Maki.”
“And she’s remembering to eat and rest, right?” Mollie asked. I looked at her, seeing the concern in her eyes.
“Rest assured, I am making sure she does,” I firmly answered, relieving some of that stress from her mother. Grace would talk about how her mother has been “on her case” about these things, not understanding the sudden concern. I don’t argue with her, but despite how their relationship as mother and daughter went, Mollie is Grace’s mother, and mothers will always worry about their children.
Mollie gets up from the armrest. “Do you guys want anything to drink? Water, juice, coffee?”
“I’ll take a coffee, Mrs–Mollie; thank you,” I answered, trying to get used to calling her parents by their first names.
“I’ll take coffee as well,” Weston said as Mollie walked to the kitchen. There was a moment of silence between me and her father. God, maybe I should’ve been more prepared to talk to her father.
“You and Mollie have a beautiful space,” I said, trying to start up a conversation. Her parents’ place was a 3 bedroom apartment in the Lenox Hill area, not too far from Central Park. Whenever Grace and I spent the night here, we would stay in the guest room, or the “unofficial closet of Mollie’s dance attire. Seriously, it felt like sleeping in a museum exhibit.
“This was all Mollie’s doing,” Weston mentioned, looking around the living room area. “When I first moved to New York while Grace was in college, Mollie came over and said she felt like she was visiting someone’s hotel room rather than someone’s home. Little by little, she started moving in her things in here like pictures and home decor.” I nodded as I looked on the coffee table display, noticing a picture of Grace as a baby. I couldn’t help but smile. Ahh, jagiya as an agi.
“Grace is big with pictures too,” I said, picking up the baby photo of Grace. “This is one she hasn’t shown me though.”
“That was one that Mollie specifically put up,” Weston said. “The one she kept with her for years.” I smiled, placing the photo frame back down on the table. Undoubtedly, Grace’s parents loved her. Sure, Grace carries her past heavy, and it’s taken patience to understand and accept that she fights with that despite how good things are for her now. All I can do is make sure that Grace is loved now, in the present day, and for the rest of her life; as long as I’m here to do so.
Mollie comes back with the coffee for Weston and I. I thank her as I place the mug on top of a coaster on the coffee table. I cleared my throat before I spoke. This is it, Jaemin-ah.
“I wanted to come over and talk about something with you both,” I began to say, beginning to feel nervous. Mollie suddenly shifts in her seat next to Weston. “Uhm, uh–“
“Oh god, don’t tell me you and Grace are breaking up,” Mollie said out loud.
“Oh! No, no–”
“Geez Mollie, you’re making the kid nervous!”
“Look at his face, he looks like he’s about to puke–“
“Mr. and Mrs. Ashmore,” I intervened. Both her parents looked back at me. “I mean… Weston, Mollie. Grace and I are not breaking up. Far from it, actually.” I realized that the longer I dragged this out, the more time I gave Mollie to think of the absolute worst. Just speak from your heart. That’s the easy part.
I sat up straight, looking at Grace’s parents looking back at me. Before I can say anything, Mollie’s eyes widen.
“Are you and Grace getting married?!” she asked. Aigoo. I don’t say anything quick enough for Mollie to squeal in excitement. She quickly covered her mouth, keeping in the sound. I looked over at Weston, whose face depicts the opposite of Mollie.
“Mol,” Weston finally said, turning his face to his wife. “Can you give Jamie and I a minute?”
“Don’t scare the poor kid, Wes–“
“Mollie.” She looked at him, and the smile vanished from her face. She swallowed hard before looking at me, giving a smile of reassurance. Mollie walked out of the living room, closing the door behind her.
There was this uncomfortable silence between Weston and me. The air was thick, so it felt like the silence was choking me. I cleared my throat as I looked over at Weston. He picked up the baby picture of Grace from the coffee table, smiling down at it as he placed his fingers over the glass.
“The night Grace was born, Mollie and I were back in our small apartment in Brooklyn. It was my 25th birthday. We watched Halloween movies all night; she compromised watching some of my favorite thrillers.” He smiled as he spoke. “Grace was born around 11 o’clock that night. I was a nervous wreck in that hospital room. Mollie had to undergo an emergency surgery after Grace was born, so the doctors insisted I did skin-to-skin with Grace. I was the first person to ever hold her, look at her…my entire life changed in that moment.” Weston looked up at me. “You’ll understand when you hold your daughter for the first time.”
Weston doesn’t know just how many times I’ve had that dream at night, anticipating for Maki’s arrival.
“It was always me and Grace. She may not fully understand it, but my life became hers once she came into the world. As she got older, she definitely tested my limits with the decisions she made, simply because she was so much like her mother… the parts I didn’t understand about Grace. But I always think back to that first moment. Seeing her for the first time and in that moment devoting my life to protect her as best as I can. I just wanted Grace to be happy. That was something I always wanted for Grace.”
“Me too,” I said. I tried to gather my words and put them in sentences that made sense. How can I put everything that I’ve worked for the last year and half in words? “I have two older sisters, and only my oldest sister had the privilege to have our father give away her hand in marriage. He passed away a couple of years after, and understand just how important his role was in the family, especially now that I’m preparing to take on that role in my own little family.” Weston nodded his head agreeing with me.
“You will also dread this exact moment,” Weston laughed as he joked, fighting back tears. “The moment you let your little girl’s hand go.” I tightly smiled, empathetic to his feelings.
“Mr. Ashmore,” I began to say in a more serious tone. “I am undoubtedly in love with your daughter. That’s something that never changed despite our history. I still remember meeting her for the first time, and something about her captivated me. I knew that one day things would work in our favor, and that today would eventually happen because, I knew she was the one.” I let our a deep breath, feeling relief letting those words out. “Which is why it was so important to come here and ask you for your daughter’s hand in marriage.”
“You understand my hesitation, right?” Weston asked. I nodded, noting Grace’s past engagement.
“Absolutely,” I answered, not breaking eye contact with him. I was growing worried now, thinking Weston was going to say no. I mean, of course he would be questionable; he’s probably had this exact moment the first time; it’s pretty much the same thing! Grace is pregnant, now the man wants to marry her?! I would tell Maki ‘absolutely not’ if it was me–
“I’m always going to worry about Grace. She’ll always be my little girl.” He swallowed hard before clearing his throat. “But, I know she’s in good hands with you… Right, Mollie?” Weston called out. Mollie opens the cracked door of the room open, squealing in excitement.
“Please tell me you brought the ring to show us!” Mollie said, walking toward us and sat next to Weston. I laughed, digging in my jacket pocket to pull out a small box. I opened it, revealing the engagement ring to Grace’s parents.
…
I hear Grace’s keys jingling outside of our apartment door before opening it. I turned around to greet the girls until Willow stomped into the apartment all angry.
“Willow?” I said before she slammed her door shut. Grace walked in, looking just as pissed as Willow.
“You better go and talk to her, Jamie,” Grace demanded.
“What’s wrong with Willow?”
“I swear she’s 6 going on 16,” Grace said, dropping her purse on the island countertop and ripping her jacket off. “She had a whole tantrum at Em and Cami’s when Susie showed Willow her room, which was decorated to fit a little girl’s dream–“
“Is she–“
“Of course she’s still upset about the room!” Grace spat out. “And now she’s going to hate me because I can’t give her her own room and I just–” Aigoo, here come the tears.
“Jagiya,” I pulled her in for a hug. Comforting Grace has become a weekly occurrence these days, especially the more restricting her pregnancy has made things. “She’s not going to hate you.”
“I just don’t want her to think I favor Maki more than her or make her feel like the black sheep in the family,” Grace expressed out loud.
I placed my hands on her shoulders, looking at her in the eyes now. “She’s not going to think that, jagiya. Let me go and talk to her, okay?” She simply nodded her head. I kissed her forehead, walking towards Willow’s room.
I knocked on the door. “Willow Bean?” I cracked the door open, taking a glimpse inside the room. “Willow?”
“Leave me alone,” a muffled voice said. I opened the door, walking toward Willow whose faced down on her pillow.
“Can we talk?” She doesn’t answer right away. “Willow Bean?” She turns around to face me, eyes puffy and red from crying. “Ya“, I said, reaching for a tissue on Willow’s nightstand. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t want to share my room with the new baby,” Willow pouted as she said. “This is my room. All of my stuff is in my room.” I nodded as I listened to her.
“Why don’t you want to share your room?”
“Because this is my room,” she emphasized. “It has always been my room.”
“You’re right; this has always been your room,” I started to say. “But where will Maki sleep?” Willow shrugged her shoulders up, not really caring. Well said, Willow Bean.
“She can sleep outside,” Willow answered. Don’t laugh, Jaemin-ah. I gathered myself together before I kneel down on the ground before her.
“But you’re her big sister,” I started to explain. “She’s going to see you as the coolest person in the world.”
Willow’s eyes widen in shock. “Really?” I smiled as I nodded.
“Really. You know Aunt Lia wanted to be like Aunt Mina when they were your age. Sometimes, Aunt Mina was annoyed at her little sister, but she didn’t know Aunt Lia was following her because she looked up to her.
“Did they share a room?” I nodded my head.
“Ne, majayo; they did. Now they like to spend all of their time together and are now super close because they are sisters. But, it took some time.” Willow shifted in her seat, kicking her feet out along her bed to now face me.
“What if she doesn’t like me?” Willow asked with her head down, looking at her hands.
“Ya, Willow Bean,” I lowered my head until she saw me looking at her. “Maki is going to love you because she has you as her big sister.”
“Can I still have my stuff in my room?” I smiled, nodding my head.
“All of your stuff,” I answered. “But, Maki is going to have to have her stuff in here too.” Willow looked up in he direction that the empty crib is on the other side of the room. “Is that okay if Maki has her stuff in here too?”
“Only if she doesn’t touch my stuff,” Willow demanded. I laughed, getting up from the ground of Willow’s room.
“I’ll tell Maki for you,” I began to say. “Come on, Mama’s waiting for you to take your bath before bed.” Willow walks over to her dresser and opens up one of the drawers. I turned around, facing the doorframe of Willow’s room. Standing there is Grace, now with a huge smile on her face.
Letters From Liz. 