“It has always been you.”
I nervously bounced my leg at the gate, looking at the screen for boarding. The sun is barely up, but the holiday lights are brightly lit back in New York City.
Kevin showed up late yesterday evening to drive me to the airport. After loading my bags into his car, we walked back into the empty apartment, grabbing the last things in there. Kevin stood near the doorframe as I gathered the remaining things. I only notice him when I look back up.
“Is it sinking in yet?” Kevin asked.
“Mwo? What?”
“Is it all sinking in yet? The empty apartment? The bags of luggage? Your passport and your carry on?” I didn’t think much of it. I was too busy trying to make it to my flight on time.
“I am going to the airport, Kevin.”
“With a one way ticket to New York City. You do know it’s gonna cost more to get a one way ticket back to Incheon?” I couldn’t help but smile, rolling my eyes as I patted his shoulder.
“I know, Kevin; I know,” I said, sighing. “I’m just trying to be the one keeping it together.” I knew how crazy it was to go across the world with nothing but your belongings, hoping that the woman you love loves you back. I knew that anything could happen once I land in America, and for me to not prepare for the worst case scenario meant just how mics I was willing to sacrifice this time for Grace.
“What made you solidify it?” He asked, walking toward me to grab a couple of things off the load. “How long have you sat with this decision?”
“She invited me to her last show,” I began to say with a smile on my face. “I wasn’t going to go initially. I had thought it would’ve been inappropriate for me to go considering what conspired the night Shawn and Skylar were leaving for America. But, it was bothering me. The thought lingered throughout the day, and I felt myself feeling sad about not seeing her dance. I couldn’t help knowing the last memory I’d have of Grace is of her dancing at her final show of the production. I went to her show with the intent that was going to be the last time I got to see Grace.” I reflected, playing with the passport book in my hand.
Kevin looked confused. “So, what changed your mind?”
“The moment she stepped on stage and danced.”
…
By the time I got to New York, it was the following morning. The sun was barely up, and the winter wind was frigid at this hour. I checked into my hotel and immediately dropped my bags onto the bed and headed back out. I needed an iced Americano only from the cafe.
I missed the cafe like it was home. In the years I’ve been here, nothing ever has changed. I can visually see each and every memory I had in here with Grace. The coffee never changed, and the atmosphere always remained the same.
I walked into the cafe, surprised to see some people up drinking their morning coffee. I noticed Bernie at the counter, wiping it down with a rag. As I got closer to the encounter, Bernie looked up, immediately noticing me.
“Jamie? Is that really you?” He joked, squinting his eyes as he spoke. I laughed, smile on my face.
“It’s great to see you, Bernie,” I said, slightly bowing out of politeness. “I literally just hopped off the plane, put my bags down in my hotel room, and ran over here for an iced americano.” Bernie laughed out loud, holding his belly as he did.
“I’m flattered! What brings you back to New York? New case you’re working on?”
I shook my head before I answered back. “No, no; not a case…” I didn’t know what to tell Bernie. I didn’t want him to say something that would’ve told me this was a bad idea or something. But, Bernie was like an old neighborhood friend to her. She spoke highly of him the moment she introduced me to him all those years ago, and I felt like I needed the approval from him in a way. From the looks of it, he seemed to still be very accepting of me.
Bernie cocked up an eyebrow as he began making my drink, pouring in the espresso. “Well, I doubt you came all the way here just to see me and get a drink.” I nervously laughed at Bernie’s response. He must know.
“Got me there,” I said back, putting my hands in my coat pocket. “You think she’ll come in today?” Bernie looked back up at me with a smile on his face. He absolutely knew I was here for Grace.
“If she’s back from her trip, then of course.” Bernie placed the cup of iced americano on the counter. “Is she expecting you?”
“No,” I answered shyly, taking out my wallet. Bernie waved his hand at me, stopping what I was doing. I looked up at him, confused.
“I’ve known Grace for a long time, sonny. Her coming back to New York after being away for so long is already going to cause a ton of anxiety for her. So, excuse me when I say this, but… your intentions of being back here to see her better be good.” I looked at Bernie as he spoke. He was absolutely right, and I was glad that there were people that still looked out for her even while she was away. It just comes to show just how well loved she truly is.
“Of course, Bernie.”
“How long are you here for?”
“I’m staying in New York.” It was the first time saying this in person. Bernie was the first person in New York to hear me say these exact words. They didn’t feel as foreign as I thought they’d be, and they didn’t seem as scary to say out loud either. It was almost like it was suppose to be the answer to Bernie’s concerns. It was the right thing to say because it was true.
Bernie, on the other hand, seemed genuinely surprised. “For good?” I simply just nodded my head. “You’re staying in New York for Grace?”
“If she’s willing, that’s the plan.” I looked at Bernie, feeling as if I was talking to a father figure of Grace’s. I was more nervous talking to Bernie than her actual father a couple of years ago, back when we were dating.
Bernie scoffed a bit, making another cup of coffee for another customer beside me. He hands the man the coffee before he directs his attention to me again. He sighed, but let out a smile as he looked at me.
“Well,” he began to say. “I think she’s in for a delightful surprise then today.” He nodded towards the direction where Grace and I usually sat at. “You know where to find her when she comes.” I thanked Bernie and took my drink to the table. An hour passed by, but Grace wasn’t here yet. The longer I waited in here for her, the more regret I began to feel. What if this was a bad idea? What if I just left my entire life behind for nothing? What if this isn’t what she wanted?
By the time it was 10AM, I began to come with the terms that maybe this wasn’t the right thing to do. I sighed, about to finish my iced americano and walk back to the hotel to figure something out. I got up, handing the glass over to Bernie at the counter.
“Leaving already?”
“Yeah,” I said in a defeated way. “As much as I would love to stay here, I really should get going–“
“Nonsense,” Bernie interrupted, getting another glass from the rack. “This one’s on the house.”
“Bernie–“
“I won’t take no for an answer, sonny.” He quickly whipped up another iced americano and handed it over to me. I looked back up at him. “Don’t give up on what you want.” I take the drink, walking to the opposite side of the cafe to clear my mind. It was weird over here, but perhaps this was the best spot to really think what needs to happen next.
I opened my phone and began looking at flights back to Incheon. Kevin was right; it would cost me an arm and a leg to go back home now.
Then, it happened. The door to the cafe opened, and I immediately noticed her red, curly hair in a messy updo. Grace.
She rushed to the counter with a handful of papers in her arm, greeting Bernie. He smiled at her, pointing her to the table that I was originally sitting at, waiting for her at. Our table. I tried to not stare too hard at her like a creep. I all of a sudden I felt nervous to walk over there. Everything was leading up to this moment, and I didn’t know how to finally make things happen.
“If you’re ever visiting New York, you know where to find me,” Grace said as she walked me out of her hotel room in Ulsan. I smiled, taking this as the last possible time I’d get to talk to Grace face-to-face. The last time I’d get to kiss her lips.
“Thanks, Bernie,” I hear Grace say. Bernie placed the coffee on the table, smiling at her. I looked down at my phone, exiting out the screen of flights. It wasn’t long after that I heard a pile of papers fall to the ground. I looked up, noticing Grace get up from the table to pick them up. I didn’t even think twice to walk over there to help out.
“Fuck,” I hear Grace say as she begins to gather her papers. I kneeled in front of her, helping her pick up the papers. “Thanks, you didn’t have to–” Grace stopped mid sentence as she looked up. Her eyes widen in shock. All I could do is smile at her and hand over her papers.
“Jamie?”
“You were right about the coffee here,” I began to say. “Once you’ve had Bernie’s coffee, no other coffee can compare.” Before Grace said anything else, Bernie comes over to check on Grace.
“You’re okay?” Bernie came rushing to us. We both looked up at Bernie as he backed away from the papers.
“All good,” I said, handing the last batch of papers to Grace. Bernie smiled at me before he walked back to the counter. I looked at Grace as she got up, which prompted me to get up alongside her.
“I-uhm,”
“I know,” I simply said, putting my hands in my pocket. “Sorry.”
“No, no,” Grace said, clearing the seat in front of her. I looked at her for permission. “Sit.” I sat down in the seat across from her. She was definitely frazzled. Ahh, jagi-… I mean Grace.
…
By the time Grace sorted out her paperwork, she seemed to be more relaxed. I was glad that she didn’t seem stressed that I was here. It was weird; it was like nothing ever changed between us; just the destination.
“So, I wasn’t expecting to see you so soon,” Grace joked as she sipped her coffee. I smiled at her, drinking yet another iced americano that Bernie offered, followed with a cream cheese bagel. “Did you decide to take a pit stop to New York?”
“Mwo? Pit stop?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Grace nodded her head. “To California to visit Shawn.” Oh. My eyes widen, nodding my head trying to take in this assumption of hers. To believe I would travel all the way to New York first just to see Shawn in another state is crazy.
“I’m… not going to visit Shawn.” Grace scrunched her eyebrows as she chewed on a piece of her bagel, seeming confused.
“No?”
“No.” I looked at Grace, hoping she was able to read in between the lines.
“So you’re here on a vacation, or this is another work related trip?” She asked, not looking at me as she did. She probably assumes this time is like the others. I can see herself try to distance herself away from me, I hopes her heart doesn’t put too much hope in what she’s feeling. Just rip the bandage already, Jamie.
“I’m in New York for good.”
Grace looked up from her coffee. “For good?”
“For good.” I stare at Grace, waiting for her to say something. I don’t want to assume that this is what she wants. I want to hear her say it, not because I need the validation, but because I need her to believe in the things she wants.
“Oh.”
“Oh?” I laughed as I repeated. It wasn’t like Grace to be without words.
“I just–“
“Didn’t think I’d come back for you?” I finally said, ripping the entire bandage off of the conversation. Grace seemed taken back by the bluntness of my response. All she could do is just nervously laugh it off.
“Alright, where’s Sky and Shawn? Are they going to jump from underneath a table or something?”
“Grace.” It was all I needed to say for her to finally believe me. I didn’t break eye contact with her, or make it seem like I had anything to joke about. The laugh quickly came to an halt; it was now a look of confusion written all over her face.
“You’re being serious?”
“Super serious, jagiya.” It felt so good to call Grace that. For the last 7 months, I tried so desperately to make it fit for anyone else that wasn’t her. It was useless, to be honest; it was Grace’s for a reason.
Grace leaned in closer to the table, as if she needed to whisper this question to me. “So you’re trying to tell me you left your whole life behind in Korea; job, family, everything behind… for me?”
I leaned in closer to the table as well, close to her. “Majayo.” She quickly snapped back in her seat, holding her mouth in shock.
“Jamie,” she said with her mouth still covered. “I–“
“Let me explain,” I put out my hand, trying to calm her down. “It was my decision to make. I wanted to do this.”
“Since-“
“Ya, jagiya,” I slightly teased, raising an eyebrow. “Let me explain.” Grace simply nodded her head, taking a sip of her coffee in desperation. I let out a deep breath before I continued speaking, finally saying what I felt these last couple of days out loud to the person that mattered most.
“I would like to believe something was pulling me toward you. I don’t know what you could call it; the universe, maybe? Something out of our control kept putting us together, and sure you can say it was Skylar and Shawn, but… even then I found myself needing to see you… aigoo, that sounds super creepy–“
“If it were anyone else; yes,” Grace teased, smiling at me. I was relieved for her to at least say that.
“The night you invited me to your last show… I wasn’t going to go.”
She cocked up an eyebrow. “Jeez, Jamie…”
“Not because I didn’t want to,” I quickly defended, laughing off the nervousness. “I felt like it could’ve been inappropriate to just show up after everything that happened at Skylar and Shawn’s–“
“But…”
“But?”
She raised both eyebrows up. “But you ended up coming.”
“How’d you know that I did?” I could see Grace’s face getting red. She shifted in her seat, sighing before she answered.
“I saw you in the audience.” I looked at Grace, taking her all in for the first time since sitting here. She…saw me. In an audience packed for the last show of the Ulsan production.
“So, you felt it too?” I finally asked.
“Felt what?”
“That pull,” I answered, smirking a little bit. She did too, giving me the answer without saying a word. “I had to see you dance one last time, and when I did…I knew.”
“Knew what?”
“Jagiya, the more questions you ask, the longer it will take me to explain,” I slightly teased her. She playfully rolled her eyes as I laughed. “I knew it was you. It has always been you.”
…
Grace and I stayed in the cafe nearly all day, catching up and talking. I was glad Bernie didn’t mind us staying there; I think in a way he was happy to finally see Grace happy in the cafe. Not swarmed and stressed over work, or hungover on those reckless nights out. I think he had known we’d both built a home within this cafe, and sensed that Grace and I didn’t want the day to end.
“I hate to kick you guys out,” Bernie walked over to us, drying a mug with a rag in his hand. “But I think you both broke the world record of ‘world’s longest coffee hangout’.” We both begin to get up from the table, helping Bernie bring the empty dishes from our table to the counter.
“We’re sorry for staying so long,” Grace apologized. Bernie waved his hand, dismissing it entirely.
“Nonsense, I just have to get home to my wife.” Bernie laughed as he gathered the dishes toward the back. “I’ll see you two bright and early for a coffee and iced americano!”
Grace and I walked out of the cafe, taking in the brisk winter air. It had just started to snow. We looked at each other, waiting for the other to say something. I guess I’ll be the one to do so.
“I guess I should get–” Before I was even able to finish my sentence, Grace leaped into my arms, kissing me hard on the lips. I wrapped my arms around her, kissing her back underneath the falling snow, in front of the place where our story began all those years ago.
Letters From Liz. 