By the time Grace and I got home from the hospital, it was 1 o’clock in the morning. I opened the front door, turning the lamp on in the living room as I walked Grace to the couch. She didn’t fight, nor did she say anything to me on the ride home. She sits on the couch, placing her hands under her belly.
When we got to the hospital, the doctor ran a couple of tests on Grace to determine if she was about to go into labor. After what felt like hours waiting in the waiting room for some sort of update, the doctor walked out with Grace sitting in a wheelchair, confirming that tonight wasn’t going to be the night Maki would come. It was a false alarm due to immense stress, which I felt highly responsible for causing.
After placing our things on the kitchen counter, I went ahead and sat next to Grace on the couch. Silence fills the room.
“I’ll go to the pharmacy tomorrow and pick up your prescription,” I began to say.
“Thank you,” Grace simply said, not looking at me. I shut my eyes for a moment, knowing this was possibly one of the scariest nights I’ve had with Grace to this point. I sighed, rubbing my eyes before opening them back up.
“Grace,” I began to say. “Jagiya.” The name felt foreign in my mouth, having not called her that for the entire night up until this point. “I’m—”
“I know,” she simply said.
“I’m sorry for what I said to you tonight,” I continued to say, despite Grace not wanting to hear it. “For causing this to happen.” Grace finally turned her body to me. I couldn’t help but place my hand on top of her belly, feeling absolutely grateful the worst did not happen tonight. “I shouldn’t have said what I said. It wasn’t true—”
“There’s always some truth in the things we say,” Grace softly responded. She sighed before looking directly in my eyes. “Maybe there is some truth behind it.”
“Grace—”
“I’m not this perfect woman you think I am. I make mistakes, I do things without thinking them through. I want things that I shouldn’t.” She took a deep breath before she continued. “I want to build my legacy and build a life with you. I want both.” Grace has had a hard time balancing her career with her life for as long as I’ve known her. These last months have been extremely hard knowing she probably feels like she’s now having to choose between what success looks like for her versus what it truly is. She grew up not knowing her mother, to finding out just how much of an impact she has made in her career. Even after everything Grace has been through, she still sees her mom as the role model of what her life should look like. Jagiya, if only you knew how much more capable you are to balance everything out; something your mother could not do.
“Wanting both does not make you a bad person,” I began reassuring her. “It’s… normal. You want success both professionally and in your personal life. We all do.”
“But most people don’t question the importance over the other. Most people will say their family is the most important thing in their lives, but me—”
“For you, it still is just as important.” I looked at Grace, taking her hand and placing it on top of her belly, overlapping my own hand now. “You’ve been taking care of Maki this entire time, all while taking care of the academy.”
“But you said I was choosing one over the other—”
“I solely spoke out of anger, and I shouldn’t have said it.” I never believed that Grace was choosing her career over her family, even before Maki came into the picture. Grace has been scared to admit that sometimes, her career is her comfort zone; it’s the space that she feels the most confident in because she does it extremely well. Grace simply goes back to thinking about her career when things in her personal life get overwhelming. “I felt angry that you were making a commitment without expressing it to me first. I understand the academy has always been yours, but what you decide to do with it affects the other parts of your life.”
“I was only thinking about what the academy could do for us in the future,” Grace confessed. “A bigger space meant we’d get more dancers there, sure, but I wanted something closer to the city, closer to Willow, and closer to home.” Grace was now the one grabbing my hand, placing my open palm on the side of her belly. I could feel Maki up against Grace’s skin. Aigoo.
“I was simply afraid that you wanted your career more than this,” I whispered, feeling the knot form in my throat. I coughed it out, sniffling away any tears that were planning to fall. “I lost my last moments with my father because I chose my career over my family. That’s what I live with each day, thinking what if I just let myself put my family first in that situation… would I still carry this burden not knowing if my father’s final thoughts were how selfish his son was.”
Grace placed the palm of her hand on my cheek, wiping away the tears that had escaped from my eyes. I looked up at her as she looked at me, giving me a reassuring smile.
“He would be proud of his son for every decision he’s made to this point,” Grace responded, caressing my cheek with her hand. “He would be so beyond proud of the man you’ve become.” She sighed before she took her hand away from my face. “All I thought about tonight was Maki. I was so afraid something bad happened to her, and all I could think about was how selfish I was for not putting her first. I was scared that my carelessness would cost us, and I don’t know if I could live with that guilt if something did happen to her.”
“Maki knows when her eomma is stressed,” I added. “But she’s also just as strong as her eomma.” Grace smiled, finally leaning her back on the couch, relaxed. “So, about the–“
“Ya,” I quickly said, getting up from the couch. “Let’s get some rest and revisit these things tomorrow.” I held out my hand for Grace, which she quickly grabbed as I helped her up. I looked at Grace as she stood there, and I immediately pulled her in for a hug. I hug her tightly, digging my chin in between her neck and collarbone.
“I love you, Grace.” She slowly lets me go, looking up at me.
“I love you too, Jamie.”
…
The rest of the week was as normal as things can be between Grace and I. Grace spent most of her day getting things ready in the nursery, while I taught my classes online in the other room. We haven’t spoken much about the other night; a apart of me is grateful that we were able to move past it, but the other part of me is worried that Grace was silently ruminating about it. I was silently ruminating about it.
After my lecture, I walked out of the bedroom to see Grace sitting on the couch, scrolling through her phone. She looked up at me and smiled.
“I didn’t want to interrupt you during your lesson,” Grace began to say as she got up. “Sky invited me for lunch, even though I suspect this is more of a ‘maid of honor trying to get some things checked off the wedding list’ type of lunch.” I smiled, knowing exactly that was Skylar’s intention. If anyone has been more excited about Grace and I’s engagement, it’s been Shawn and Skylar.
I kissed her on the forehead, coming in for a hug. “You could’ve came in, jagiya. I wouldn’t mind the sight.” Grace scoffed, lightly hitting me on the arm before walking into the bedroom. I followed her as she went through her closet.
“I would prefer to not give your college students a sight to see,” Grace responded, smiling as she sorted through her clothes. “Maybe you and Shawn should plan something for the day.” Grace turns around when I don’t respond. “Jamie?”
“Maybe I should stay here… just in case something happens.” Ever since that night, I’ve been terrified of being away from Grace. I was grateful to have been there at the cafe with her when the scare happened, but I couldn’t help but think it happening again when I’m not near. Grace places her clothes on the bed and walks to me, cupping my face with her hands.
“I’m going to be fine, Jamie. Sky will be with me.”
“I know, but still,” I looked at her, feeling uneasy. “Maki’s unpredictable, just like her mama.” Some slight humor lightened up the mood as Grace playfully rolled her eyes at me. She kisses me on the lips before grabbing her clothes from the bed.
“I’ll make sure she behaves; she knows how crazy Aunt Sky is,” Grace mentioned, cocking her eyebrows up. I think Maki has an idea of how crazy her family already is. “Oh, can you do me a slight favor while you’re out?”
“So you’re actually sending me out?” I playfully asked.
“Yes, and I’m not taking no for an answer,” Grace begins to get dressed, pulling the dress over her head as it slid down her body. I walked over to her, helping her zip up the dress from the back.
“Okay mom,” I teased Grace, grabbing her sneakers from the shoe rack hanging from the closet door.
“I need you to pick up the personalized items from the printing shop,” Grace said as she sat on the bed. I kneeled down, helping her put on her shoes. “Make sure you send me a picture of them before you leave just in case they need to be redone.” I smiled up at Grace, tying the last of her laces on her sneaker. Grace and I have been actively learning how to work on things together as a team, especially everything related to the engagement party in two weeks. We compromised that right now we should focus on two things before we focus on the other things: getting Maki’s nursery ready, and planning accordingly for the engagement party. Grace was the planner, and I was somewhat of the delivery boy, getting every ridiculous thing she wants for this party. I don’t mind though the more excited she becomes when doing her online shopping.
“Okay jagiya,” I agreed, standing up from the ground now. “You must promise me something though.” I leaned into Grace, our lips almost touching. “You’ll call me if you’re not feeling well.” Grace puts her fingers against my lips as I tried to lean in for a kiss. She tussles my hair as she gets up from the bed, looking in my eyes.
“Okay, dad.”
…
“Hyung,” Shawn deadpanned. I looked up from my phone, seeing Shawn raise an eyebrow up. “Are you okay?” I sighed, placing my phone on the table at a luncheon place Shawn has been dying to try. I believe he said that they had a variety of Maki rolls he wanted to try.
“I’m sorry, my head isn’t all here,” I admitted, leaning back in my seat. “All I can think about is Grace.”
“You can get down and dirty with her when you’re back home–“
“Ya,” I reacted, shutting my eyes momentarily. “Not like that. What if she gets sick or something? What if Maki’s like, ‘nope, I feel like coming a couple of weeks early!’ What if–“
“Grace would’ve called you if it was going to happen, hyung.” I look at Shawn, not completely convinced. “You’re just going to stress yourself out, which will stress Grace out, which–“
“I get it, Shawn,” I spat out, rubbing my eyes together. “I’ve been trying so hard to be strong for the both of us, but it’s been much easier to say than done.”
“I could only imagine that’s normal it being your first time becoming a dad,” Shawn said, sipping his iced tea. I opted for the sparkling water, trying to stay away from the caffeine a bit. “You got to give yourself some grace… no pun intended.”
“I’m more worried about Grace,” I admitted out loud.
“Mwo? Why?”
I let out a deep breath before confessing out the truth. “Grace and I had an argument the other night; a bad one.”
“Every couple fights–“
“Not the way Grace and I do,” I responded back. “I accused her of caring about her career more than her family.” Shawn winced.
“Ah, hyung; even I know that’s something you don’t say to Grace, especially being super pregnant. How did you even get to that point?”
“She’s not renewing the lease for the studio. She’s been secretly looking for other spaces.”
“The same way you’ve been secretly looking at other apartments to live in?” Shawn mentioned.
“That’s different,” I argued back. “We are living out of a one-bedroom apartment; one room that’s a makeshift one for Willow.”
“But have you spoken to Grace about wanting to move in a bigger space?” I don’t answer, hating the fact that Shawn is right. “Hyung, you can’t call the kettle black.”
“Shawn,” I sighed. “You mean, ‘the pot calling the kettle black‘.”
“That,” Shawn said nonchalantly. “You can’t be upset that Grace was secretly looking at studio spaces when you were secretly looking up apartment spaces. You both are looking up spaces without letting each other know.”
“Grace shouldn’t have to worry about looking up apartments with me; that’s my job–“
“The same way upholding the academy is her business,” Shawn debated with me. “Not to make you feel worse, but…didn’t her ex make her choose between her career and her family when she had Willow?”
“I’m not making her choose one over the other,” I quickly defended myself. The last thing I needed was my best friend telling me I was no better than her ex; the same ex she was previously engaged to when she was pregnant with Willow. “I just want her to realize that love sometimes means that we have to sacrifice–“
“Ah!” Shawn slammed his fist on the table, making a loud thump. “That’s it!”
“What’s what?”
“You feel like you’ve sacrificed more than she has.” Shawn stated. “You feel like she’s not willing to sacrifice her career the way you sacrificed yours.”
“She retired from elite dance to be here with me–“
“And you’ve left your family in Korea, your job in Korea, your life in Korea to be with Grace. I get that you think Grace can do no wrong in your eyes, but you know it’s not right feeling like the love is one-sided.” I think about what Shawn is saying, remembering the first time he brought this up on the night before his wedding. What has Grace sacrificed to show you that she wants what you want? It was something absurd at first, but maybe deep down I felt there was some truth behind Shawn’s words. I know Grace loves me, but does she love me more than her career?
“Ya,” I simply answered, not knowing what to say.
“You want my honest opinion? Grace is undoubtedly in love with you, hyung. You already know that though. But she also loves you. And that is probably freaking her out, on top of juggling everything you’ve thrown at her within the last year. She’s having your first child. She said yes to your proposal. In a matter of months, she went from being your girlfriend, to the mother of your child, and your fiancée.”
“What are you getting at, Shawn?” I asked, impatient for the answer.
“Grace is probably using the academy as a shield to avoid all of things that are scaring her,” Shawn said. “That’s why it probably feels like she’s not willing to sacrifice for love. She’s never gotten this far before.”
She’s never gotten this far before.
…
Grace and I spent the night in bed. I look over to her as she browsed on her tablet. I looked over, seeing her browse through wedding dress photos. Moments after, a test message comes through her assistant at the academy.
"Hey Grace; the owner of the studio space in Midtown is in town this week - she's looking to set a meeting sometime this Thursday--"
She quickly swiped up the notification.
“Jagiya?” Grace turned her head to look at me, giving me her attention. “I…I have to tell you something.”
“What’s wrong?” Grace asked, placing her tablet down on her side of the nightstand. Her hand immediately travels to the side of her belly, rubbing it in small circles.
“I haven’t been completely honest with you,” I began to say. Before Grace is able to react, I spat it out. “I’ve been looking up apartments for us to move into.”
Letters From Liz. 