Many people throughout their lifetime truly live without knowing what the meaning of their feelings mean, and because of society wanting to make everything black-and-white, it’s even harder to admit that there have been times when what you felt wasn’t necessarily “normal”. I say normal like that because there is truly anything in life that indicates normalcy.
Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m learning to accept the fact that my romantic attractions aren’t what I thought they were.
Is this me coming out? I don’t think I’d ever “come out” without feeling like things like this can change as time progresses. At this moment in time, I just feel differently about my romantic attractions and my sexual attractions.
Sexually speaking, I am heterosexual. I feel sexual attraction only towards the opposite sex. I’ve only had one male sexual partner in my life, but I know that I am willing to have sex with guys more so than girls, even if at this given moment I want to have absolutely no sex, which is another story for another day.
Romantically speaking, I feel like as I get older, I’m a little more flexible, or fluid in this category, and I feel like I’ve been this way for quite some time. Of course, I only feel this romantic attraction towards people once I get an emotional deep connection to them, and before anyone thinks that I just am liking everything and everyone, I don’t act upon those said attractions. I just like you because you mean a lot to me and we connect, but I am not sexually attracted to you and 95% of the time, I’m not looking to pursue a sexual relationship with you.
So, hi – my name is Liz, and although I am heterosexual, I am demiromantic.
Wow, that was liberating.
To better understand what I am talking about and before we move forward, you must understand that romantic attraction and sexual attraction can be completely different things for people. For some, it’s one and the same, and for others, they are apples and bananas. For me, I am not sexually attracted to the people I have romantic attractions with and sometimes, if I see a hot guy in the streets and think damn, come to bed with me (which only fantasy Liz thinks about), I most likely won’t have a romantic attraction to them. Sexual feelings, in a nutshell, are an instant feeling; you look at someone’s appearance and feel sexually attracted to most of the time and it’s why most dating apps are heavily used for just hookups at this time. You don’t need to be romantically attracted to someone in order to have sex with them. Many people do it, and there’s nothing wrong with that unless you are safe, protected, and knowledgeable about it.
Being romantically attracted to them happens with time. You get to know a person, whether it’s a friend or a potential partner, and find yourself growing a deep connection with them. You develop feelings for them in a romantic aspect, I mean you vibe with them, you like them, your body doesn’t know the difference! What makes it strictly a romantic attraction is that you don’t feel sexually attracted to them, and in other situations, you won’t try to pursue romantic relationships with them. You just like them, and you want platonic relationships.
If it seems like I’m even unsure about these things, it’s because I am. I’m still judging myself for even trying to figure out what this was for me and I still feel like I don’t belong under such category, but it’s the best that I can do to help explain years of denying how I function.
For years, I’ve had some relationships with people in my life that I liked in a romantic aspect. Of course, these feelings developed only after I gained a deep, emotional connection with them. I believe I’ve always wanted platonic relationships in my life; the ones where you deeply care for one another and would do anything for each other and hold them close to your heart without the stress and mess of it ever turning sex because you both don’t see each other in that light. I’ve had girl-friends in the past that I’ve felt this deep, emotional connection with and felt romantic attraction to afterward as well as guy-friends that I deeply connected with and felt romantic attraction to as well, but within these relationships I’ve had with these people, I never felt sexual attraction with them; I just wanted long-lasting platonic relationships. A Holder and Linden from The Killing type of relationship.
I understand there are people I’m currently friends with will read this and say, “omg, does Liz have romantic feelings for me?!” and might feel weird still wanting to interact with me. I understand that there is a possibility that my ex-friends, ex-flings, even my ex-partner will read this and think of me differently. I understand there are people who will read this and have opinions on me and will judge me, whatever, but I wanted to tell this story because I felt confused for years. I always wondered why it was so easy for me to have feelings for people who I’ve called my closest friends. For years, I wondered if I was a bisexual too scared to come out of the closet, but not really bisexual because although I’ve liked girls, I never wanted to have sex with them. I also couldn’t understand why or how was I have to develop romantic feelings towards LGBT people but not being LGBT myself. I couldn’t understand why at 25, I am still able to like people in a romantic aspect even if the thought of having sex with another person is anxiety-driven and repulsing. Maybe I’ll never put a label on what this is, but it’s the closest thing that can help me understand and be accepting of why I am this way.
So, I guess this is me coming out. Hey, I like you regardless of sex and gender, but don’t expect to have sex with me, thanks!
… Can I get that on a t-shirt, please?
Letters From Liz. 