Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: May 2019 Edition.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

We are unofficially halfway through the month; is everyone having a good May so far? Personally, I always liked May as a month; it wasn’t too hot, too cold, and most of the trees have their green leaves on and days just feel so much nicer in May. It’s the lead up to Summer June, and who doesn’t like a little warm weather after a long, cold Winter?

Anyway, a new month means a new installment of:

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I’ve had a couple of rough patches since the month started, to be quite honest. Resuming my therapy sessions after a little break in April and juggling my personal life and all of that has had me feeling a little bit more on the anxious side lately. As hard as I’m going keeping up the schedule for this blog, prepping for my journal publication, all while being present in all of my relationships in life is getting a bit difficult, and at times I’ve found myself in a daze, not paying attention to anything or anyone around me, which isn’t a great feeling, since that’s what happened when I began to feel disconnected from the world last year. 

Although I’m mentally in a better place, this time around, it doesn’t mean I don’t have work to do. And this is what May’s Voiceless Rant is going to be about.

The process of self-discovery and being the best versions of ourselves simply doesn’t end after you have a good head on your shoulders, for the most part. We are always going to be working on ourselves simply due to the fact that we mature, grow up, and experience issues and obstacles that we are going to come face-to-face with. I may be generally okay with things at the moment, it doesn’t mean I’m proficient with handling the weaker parts of my being. I still cry when I’m overwhelmed, I still take things personally from time-to-time, I still don’t have a strong foundation of confidence with my abilities, and my anxiety tends to make issues about me still – and on top that, practicing assertiveness. There are so many areas in my life that I have plenty of work to do, and I’m okay knowing that someday, I will have all of that figured out.

As long as I’m keeping a positive outlook on the present, the future, and even about the past!

I’m learning that no matter what is happening in life currently, I still am able to keep a pretty positive outlook about myself, and on life. I’m nowhere where I wanted to be, but it doesn’t stop my process of eventually getting there. Obstacles and “bumps on the road” are going to occur whether you are ready for them as not, but the strongest and most courageous thing to do is to always remain positive about things, even through the tough times. 

Through the people around me and my own journey through healing, I am learning that progress starts with a positive mind; if you’re willing to still see some beauty in the things that may drag you or put you down, the negative energy behind those things won’t affect you as much as if you dwelled and stored up that energy in you.

So, whatever hardships you are going through in life, know that there’s always light at the end of each tunnel. Know that what you are going through and the way it’s affecting you is making you stronger, wiser, and braver. It’s also teaching you life lessons that just naturally occur in life.

We all grow up, we all experience the ups and downs life throws at us – and in all honesty, having that positive outlook is what’s gonna get you through them.

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: The Truth About Mental Health Dependency. (5/11/19)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

First and foremost, Happy May, Happy Taurus Season, Happy Almost-Gemini-Season, and Happy Almost-Unofficial-Start-Of-Summer Memorial Day! Also, Happy Birthday to all the May babies out in the world. 

A little life update on me: I’ve been in a place that I’m very proud to be in. I’ve been feeling a lot more happy, active, present, and my anxiety hasn’t been flaring up as much as it had in the past. To be quite honest, it’s been a couple of months since I had a bad anxiety attack. I’m very happy to see myself in the place I’m in right now because compared to this time last year, I was a complete and utter mess (and that’s not an exaggeration).

So, although I’ve been doing good and I’ve been feeling a lot more stable and happier, I’ve been aware of this “stage” in the process where you feel like you’re doing better than ever and that your mental health isn’t affecting you the way it usually does; I guess you call it the “loving” process of life. A fellow writer of mine shared this image on their Facebook account and thus the inspiration for this week’s SAS letter.

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Continue reading “SAS: The Truth About Mental Health Dependency. (5/11/19)” →

Creative Pieces

The Reunion: A Dialogue.

liz

Waiters are walking by with platters across the restaurant, and the sound of forks and knives hitting plates surround the area. A soft piano is played in the background; this is one of those fancy places that husbands spend a day’s pay to take their wives to on Valentine’s Day.

In the middle of the restaurant, there is a man and a woman in their early 40’s waiting for their plates to arrive. The man is wearing a casual, yet sophisticated navy suit, while the woman is wearing an olive green dress with her red hair down, naturally curly. They’ve known each other since they were teenagers, yet are awkwardly acting like they are strangers. One of them has to speak, and for the man, he’d try to break the ice. 

Weston: You look, uh, nice tonight.

Mollie: Thank you. You look nice as well.

Weston sips some water to hide his awkwardness, Mollie immediately takes a sip of her white wine instead. She decides to discuss the only thing they have in common nowadays.

Mollie: Grace is really adjusting to New York City quite well. She definitely picked it up faster than I did at her age and I was born and raised here.

Weston: *smiles* She was meant to be in the city. She always seemed different than the girls back in Virginia, y’know? She was going to end up here some way or another.

Mollie: I found her eating Butter Pecan ice cream in bed the other night.

Weston: Like mother, like daughter.

The conversation quiets for a bit, both are gathering their thoughts, which are everywhere at this point. Weston takes a deep breath.

Weston: Thank you for letting Grace stay with you while she’s in college, Mol.

Mollie: Of course, I mean I have eighteen years to make up with her, so I’m glad to have any time spent with her.

Mollie looks down at her glass, avoiding eye contact with Weston. 

Weston: As long as you’re here now, that’s all that matters.

Mollie: No, it doesn’t, Weston. It sucks having to get to know my own daughter eighteen years in because I chose to be selfish and dumb and leave out on her.

Weston: Mollie, we were young–

Mollie: So what?!

Weston looks around the restaurant, hoping that their conversation is not audible to anyone else dining in. 

Weston: Mollie–

Mollie: You were young too, Wes. You were friggin’ training to be in the FBI for God’s sake. You still were able to raise her and take care of her and all of that.

Weston: Mollie, at that moment, having a kid wasn’t in your plan.

Mollie: It wasn’t in yours either.

Weston: We’re two different people, Mollie.

Mollie: I just regret not being there, okay?

Mollie takes a huge sip of her white wine, looking more somber in thought. 

Mollie: I love Grace living with me, but it doesn’t make it easier for me.

Weston: Mollie–

Mollie: It doesn’t help the thoughts I have before bed about my life. Every night, I kick myself for not being there for her when she needed me the most because she’s such an awesome kid now, Wes. I mean, Grace has so much of your qualities but when I see Grace and talk to her and get to know her better, it’s like I’m staring back at myself. And what type of example am I setting up for her? “Oh, in order to make your dreams come true you have to ditch your family and be an absent mother!” 

Weston takes in a deep sigh and holds his eyes with his hands. He looks back up at Mollie, and in his mind, she’s eighteen again: big, curly hair, a little acne here and there, 15 bracelets around her wrist, and busted up jeans and Converse: the girl he fell in love with 25 years ago. He’s brought back to the present when Mollie continues to talk.

Mollie: I just wish I was able to see how she became the girl she is now. I wish I was there to see her grow into a toddler, see her first dance recital, her first day of school, first competition, best friend, heartbreak, zit for crying out loud. I just wish I could go back and tell my 24-year-old self that Grace was the only thing that mattered in this world. My career shouldn’t have ever come in the way.

In a split moment, Weston remembers that last night he saw Mollie 18 years ago:

Him: “Mollie, I’ve had enough of this! Do you even realize you’re neglecting your own child for some dance career?! We all have our own dreams, but family always come first, Mol!”

Her: “You don’t understand! I feel trapped! I feel like I’m in something I didn’t sign up for! I love Grace, and you know that, but–“

Him: “You love your career more than her?”

Her: “I didn’t say that; how dare you!”

Him: “Listen, Mol. I’m tired of this marriage being one-sided and having to take care of Grace all the time because you’re too busy living your dream without a care in the world. You have responsibilities now, Mollie! Grace needs her mother!

Her: “And I’m trying my best to be one!”

Him: “Look. I’ve made sacrifices with my own career to be the father that Grace needs. It’s not fair that only one of us is doing so. You gotta make a choice, Mollie. It’s her, or your career.”

Her: “You can’t do–“

Him: “It’s HER, or your career. Pick one.”

Weston snaps back to reality and sees present-day Mollie: a mature, wise, still spunky and stubborn, but more reasonable than before. He could see the absolute regret she carries on her shoulders every day. He knows Mollie always loved Grace. He always loved her. Despite what happened in the past, it’s in the past, and he knew she deserved to move forward.

Weston: Mol, Grace forgave you.

Mollie: *dumbfounded* What?

Weston: She forgave you all those months ago, Mollie. She forgave you when you gave a damn about her dream to go to Julliard under a scholarship. She forgave you when you saw her for her instead of the things you want her to be. Mol, when we first in New York she couldn’t stop talking about you and how excited she was about dancing. If there was any other damn person on this universe who saw dance with such importance as she does, it would be you.

Mollie looks at Weston and sees an eighteen-year-old Weston: curly dirty blonde hair, aqua blue eyes, turtle neck zip up sweater, the boy who saved her from a bunch of guys in his neighborhood all those years ago. The boy who made her feel like her demons weren’t anything he couldn’t handle. The boy she fell in love with 25 years ago.

Weston: You have so much to look forward to with Grace. You’re here for your first year of college, you’ll be there for her first career job, her graduation, wedding, *worried* her having children and all of that. She is only 18, Mollie; she has her whole life ahead of her.

Mollie smiles at Weston for reassurance, and he smiles back. He looks at her hands, figetting on the napkin at the table. She’s still has something on her mind. So, he says it.

Weston: I forgave you the moment you started to make Grace happy, Mol.

Mollie looks up at Weston, shocked. How could he forgive her so quickly? Eighteen years away from him and their daughter; who in their right mind would forgive someone for that? Surely, she still can’t fully forgive herself. 

Mollie: Grace gets it from you; her willingness to forgive people.

Weston: Eh, she gets everything else from you, so I’m glad she has at least one decent quality of mine. *laughs*

They smile and look at each other, taking sips from their drinks. Their food finally arrives, and they thank the waiter for their dinner.

–End–

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: An Open Letter to Those Who Say, “Grow Out Your Hair”. (5/4/19)

liz

To whom it may concern,

Hi! Welcome to Letters From Liz! Of course, if you’re new – my name is Liz and I run this blog. We talk about tons of things, such as mental health, self-appreciation, priorities, music; pretty much anything, really. I also frequently write about my own experiences of life and try to help out others who may feel lost, discouraged, or sad – aka a type of person I’m very familiar with.

If you’re not new, then you know all of this, and if you’ve seen pictures of me or know me in person, you also know that I have a pixie haircut that I debuted back in December. Of course, it turned heads for the first month or so, but 5 months later, I have people in my life telling me that it’s time to grow out my hair.

Let’s rewind it back, shall we?

Hair, to me, is an important staple of my identity. My hair, whatever color it was or what style it was in, became an identity of mine at that moment in time. Do I take hair too seriously? Yeah. Am I obsessed with hair? I’d like to believe that I was reincarnated from a guy who was a sick hairdresser back in the days because my love for hair doesn’t even make sense. 

My hair, although made me feel like myself, hid a lot of my insecurities. It hid my double chin, it hid the back of my neck, it makes me look thinner, girlier, more acceptable in traditional beauty standards, and I even wore it in the same damn hairstyle for three years straight after leaving it down for the first 21 years of my life.

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With long hair, I wanted short hair; with short hair, I wanted long hair, but I never took it to the point where my hair couldn’t hide my insecurities or my troubled beliefs on beauty, and sometimes I really have to ask myself, what took me this long to do it?

You see, my pixie cut to you may be boyish. Mannish. Ugly. Too short. Not suitable for a fat girl such as me. You may misgender me even, think I’m a fat man with man boobs or something. You may even think I’m a lesbian or call my haircut “the lesbian cut”. You may think all of these things, and although you won’t admit them to my face, I know that society will always judge you before they compliment you. They will always think “pretty or ugly” before they say anything about your personality or your kindness. Hell, I know I could be judgmental and think societal bullshit towards someone I don’t know. My point being is that our opinions about other people don’t really matter.

Because as long as it makes them happy, they could care less about what you have to say about them.

Back to my haircut: If you were to ask me at least why I decided to cut it this short, then you may know that this haircut came after one of the worst depressive episodes I had in my life. Yeah, worse than the one in 2012. You will know that once I let go of this perfect image of myself, I was allowed to do anything with my body, whether that is getting another tattoo, piercing, or simply cut my hair short as hell. You will know once I got this haircut, something just clicked in me.

Maybe ponytail Liz had to go in order for the pixie cut Liz to finally shine and take in what life had to offer her. 

By saying to grow my hair back, you are telling me that the person who I’ve become in these last 5 months is just a phase in my life and that my only beauty was behind my hair. You are telling me my happiness, my sense of identity in this exact place don’t matter because “you’re a girl, you should have long hair.”

By saying to grow my hair back, you are telling me the progress I made isn’t as worthy as looking “feminine” and “pretty” in society.

Am I taking it too far? Hell yeah, I am. Please, just tell me that it’s just hair.

But to me, it’s more than just that. It was a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let my anxiety dictate my body nor will I allow it to indulge in self-loathe whenever I wasn’t the person my perfectionist side wanted me to be. It was the beginning of just trying new things, whether that be ways I communicate myself to others, the clothes I chose to try on, and have some sort of free trial on how developing self-confidence looked like.

My pixie cut was just the tip of the iceberg, folks. This wasn’t a “Britney Spears 2007 meltdown”. This wasn’t a cry for attention. This was because I told myself enough was enough. What was there to be afraid of?

Although my grandfather never saw me with my hair this short, I know he would enjoy the new look on me. I know that his mantra, in the simplest way possible, was to never fear anything in life. I think his strength, his courage, and his belief on tough-skin, is what keeps me going in my own journey of self-love and appreciation.

So, to the people in my life that look at me and want their Liz with long hair back: there’s hope, she’ll be back. 

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Just not for a very long time. 

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Topic Tuesdays: Music

Music Favorites: KPop Rookies Edition!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters from Liz!

So, two weeks ago, I published part one of this KPop music favorites thing showing you some of my favorite “veteran” KPop girl groups. Since KPop as a genre is practically exploding, many new groups are debuting, and some of them I instantly fell in love with!

So, since we all know how long the other letter was, let’s get straight to it!

IZ*ONE:

Image result for izone

Like I mentioned in my last post, I was highly invested in the popular survival competition show, Produce 48. In a nutshell, this season of the show introduced Japanese girls under AKB48, a wildly popular Japanese with dozens of girls, with Korean trainees in hopes to form and debut a global girl group. With nationwide voting, the top 12 trainees formed IZ*ONE, a temporary girl group that debuted in October 2018 with their first mini-album, Color*IZ, and will be promoting for 2 and a half years. The 12 members (in rank order from the show), are Wonyoung, Sakura, Yuri, Yena, Yujin, Nako, Eunbi, Hyewon, Hitomi, Chaewon, Minju, and Chaeyeon. I really do hate that after their contract is over, they all go their separate ways. These 12 girls work so well as a group and really have the potential to be as big as other veteran girl groups.

Personal Favorites:

  • Bias: While watching the show, it was really hard to decide who I liked the most. There was another trainee who I wished had the opportunity to debut because she had such an AMAZING voice, but when she didn’t, Yuri and Yena were easily my favorites. Yuri (which as also on “Idol School”; the show that formed fromis_9) has crazy vocals. I’m actually glad she didn’t debut until now under IZ*ONE because she’s now main fuckin’ vocalist Yuri, and she’s honestly my favorite main vocalist in any girl group I like. Yena also has some amazing vocals, but her rapping? Lit. Plus, she was so funny on Produce 48, so I’m really glad that she got the opportunity to debut. Both of them actually!
  • Bias Wrecker: I don’t really know! If I had to pick a third favorite, I think I’d have to pick Chaewon. She’s such an underdog in the group, but she has some of the best vocals in the group as well. On the show, she wasn’t showcased as much as the other groups who debuted in IZ*ONE, but she quickly won the hearts of viewers, and I believe her vocals for “Into The New World” proved her spot. Also Nako.
  • Favorite Comeback/Album: Since they are more of a rookie group, they don’t have a wide range of discography. With that being said, their recent comeback title track has been in my head every day since it came out. The concept for this comeback, “Violeta“, fits them so well as a group!

Cherry Bullet:

Image result for cherry bullet

Cherry Bullet is a rookie girl group that debuted in January 2019 under FNC Entertainment. I first heard news of their debut when YouTube recommended me their cover of Girls’ Generation’s “Into The New World”. It was sung live, as they danced, which impressed a lot of viewers for their abilities to do both. Also, I quickly realized that Haeyoon, a contestant on Produce 48, was now set to debut in this group, which I was happy for! She was best known for her vocals on the show, and ultimately ranked #19 at the end, which isn’t bad! I’m just glad that her company saw her potential for debut and decided to do so. Cherry Bullet consists of 10 members; in age order, they are Haeyoon, Yuju, Mirae, Bora, Jiwon, Kokoro, Remi, Chaerin, Linlin, and May.

Personal Favorites:

  • Bias: I haven’t seen much of the group since their debut, meaning I haven’t seen them on variety shows or anything since they debuted, so I don’t really have one. The only member I know is Haeyoon due to Produce 48. Once they have more comebacks as a group and promote more maybe then it will change!
  • Bias Wrecker: Out of all of them, I really am starting to like Chaerin a lot more because she has some amazing stage presence. Plus, I think she’s so pretty! Again, I hope when they have another comeback, I’m able to get to know them as a group more!
  • Thoughts on their Debut: Their video game concept for the group is so cute and fitting to their image and group, so I hope they can incorporate that into most of their comebacks! The song at first wasn’t that catchy to me, but the chorus was what made me listen to it more. The more I played it, the more I liked it! Their debut title track is called “Q&A“.

ITZY:

Image result for ITZY

I was excited to hear that JYP Entertainment was debuting their first girl group since debuting TWICE because, let’s be honest: TWICE is so widely popular, we all wondered how the new girl group would live to those expectations. When their reveal video came out, we were all shocked when it revealed that ITZY was a girl-crush concept group, which TWICE isn’t. This even further the excitement to see what this girl group would be like, and man: I wasn’t disappointed! In age order, ITZY consists of 5 members: Yeji, Lia, Ryujin, Chaeryeong, and Yuna. Many people were happy to see Chaeryeong in the lineup for this girl group; she (as well as her sister, IZ*ONE’s Chaeyeon) was on the show that created and formed TWICE as a group in 2015. I’m very happy that both of them finally got to debut because they are both crazy talented: Chaeyeon’s vocals, Chaeryeong’s rapping, and both of their dance skills.

Personal Favorites:

  • Bias: Choosing one for this group is extremely hard, mainly because they are all so unique in their own way, and honestly I never had a girl group where I liked all of them just as much as the next. If I had to pick, though, I think it would be Ryujin. She’s such a badass looking girl, and she totally fits ITZY’s concept the best (I mean, she’s the center for a reason!) Although her talents weren’t showcased as much as I would’ve liked in their debut, her aura, and stage presence is just out of this world. I hope to hear her rapping skills more in their next comeback!
  • Bias Wrecker: I think if your bias isn’t Yeji from the start, then she’s going to be your wrecker. Yeji is so fucking talented; she really was JYP’s secret weapon. She’s a great dancer, great vocals, and could rap. She also makes a great leader for the group! Many people were blown away by her in their debut since she had most of the lines in their debut song, “DALLA DALLA“.
  • Thoughts on their Debut: Many people didn’t like the debut song (or expected something completely different), but the song was instantly catchy to me! The concepts and visuals were nice, and I believe all the girls fit the concept well! Their B-side track, “WANT IT?” is something so different than anything I heard considered KPop.

EVERGLOW:

Image result for everglow kpop

Everglow is a 6-member girl group that debuted in March 2019 under Yuehua Entertainment. This is the same company that IZ*ONE’s Yena was a trainee under, and represented them during her season of Produce 48. Along with Yena, two other trainees also participated in the show, Sihyeon and Yiren. Both trainers made it quite far until their eliminations within the final rounds before debuting IZ*ONE. Because I knew these two trainees during Produce 48, I was interested to see just how they were in this new group, Everglow. At first listen, the song doesn’t sound that great, but it gets addictive quite easily! After watching some of their music show performances, I started to really enjoy their song, concept, and style!

Personal Favorites:

  • Bias: Although they are a fairly new group without any variety show appearances just yet, I could tell that my bias is definitely E:U. She’s the member that sticks out the most to me; with her platinum blonde hair and her more foreign features, she’s not that hard to miss. She’s considered the main rapper of the group even though she didn’t rap that much in this debut, so I hope she gets her time to shine when they decide to comeback in a couple of months!
  • Bias Wrecker: Although I don’t think this member will ever “wreck” my bias, I do really like Mia a lot as well. She’s the main vocalist in the group, so she sang for most of the time in their debut track. But! When you watch her performances, she definitely has undeniable stage presence, and it’s definitely something that I believe many of her fans enjoy. Also, her pastel purple hair was everything in this debut.
  • Thoughts on their Debut: One thing I’m starting to see within the Kpop industry is that a lot of these newer girl groups are starting out having the same concept, which is “girl crush”. Maybe that’s the trendy concept nowadays, but Everglow’s debut was another girl crush concept in 2019. Maybe Yuehua Entertainment has a reputation of being more girl crush-like, but the concept overall suited the girls well. I wonder if this is going to be their signature concept, or they wanted to start off with a bang, but either way, I like them & I hope they do comeback in a few months!

And that’s pretty much in! I hope all you Kpop lovers give these girls a chance as they are just beginning their journeys as idols and are finally living their dream of debuting!img_8205-edited-e1556388838799 - Edited

Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: April 2019 Edition.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

I know today is Saturday, and that usually a “Self-Appreciation Saturday” would be posted today. Today’s a bit different! I’ve realized I’ve scheduled way too many Tuesday posts for the month and forgot about this month’s installment of:

voiceless rant

Oopsie. 

Anyway, I wanted to discuss something that I’ve thought about a lot since being in my mid-twenties. Although still being young, I feel like the fact that I’m considered an adult is still very scary to me, and sometimes, I find myself wanting to redo my teenage years again. Of course, I’d do them in a way I don’t live such a fucked up, traumatized life like I did, but I still (and always will) believe I am who I am at 25 because of the shit that happened when I was a teenager.

Still, I miss the non-pressure I had when I was a teenager. Adult life at 25 is way too stressful and pressure-inducing and if you’re not out here making money with a job and all of that, then you’re technically just a “waste of space”. As a teenager, all you had to worry about was doing well in school and being home at the time your parents wanted you home. Even though half of our teenage years were us wishing we had absolute freedom with our lives, I look back and understand (a bit, since I’m not a parent) why things like that were enforced.

Guys, let’s talk about the teenagers of this generation…

Maybe the generation before mine thought this about us when we were teenagers, but this generation of teenagers is just growing up way too fast. From the advanced technology, endless amounts of social media apps and internet exposing too much of the fucked up shit in this world, and just the expectations and “role models” they look up to, it’s not surprising that these teens grow up too fast, and start off way too young, doing the things that they aren’t supposed to do. I mean, we have social media stars getting pregnant at 14 years old now (look up Danielle Cohn for that fuckery), we have girls wearing a full face of makeup at 11 years old, and don’t even get me started on the stories I hear from my partner about the students in the middle school that he teaches. 

I’m not saying my generation were angels at teenagers–because we weren’t– but we had some sort of discipline that many teenagers don’t really have anymore. Young kids start off with cellphones and tablets now instead of playing outside or using their imaginations with toys and arts and crafts, many public schools don’t enforce uniforms as heavenly as they did when I was in public school, and there are just not even opportunities for these kids to be kids anymore because community centers are shutting down and after-school programs aren’t being funded anymore. These teenagers don’t have drive like we did when we were their age, just how older generations say that we don’t have social abilities like they did when they were our age. Something is constantly changing, but being a kid or a teenager should always remain the same, despite how progressive we get.

And it’s just sad, in my opinion. Maybe I’m now considered “old-school” to this new generation of teens, but there’s nothing like being young and enjoying being young, y’know? Like, I would kill to spend my Friday nights at the movies with my friends like I used to when I was a teenager; there was no “I have to work” or “I have to take care of my kids”. I would kill to spontaneously go to the park with my friends and watch them play basketball again. I would honestly kill just to have that time needed to get my shit together before I hit 21. I think many people my age just wish we didn’t wish to be older. I could only imagine how this next generation of 20-something is going to function, and I bet the 30-somethings right now say the same about us 20-somethings right now.

I’m glad I don’t have younger siblings to singlehandedly witness the change with this generation, but if you guys have younger siblings of your own, remind them what it truly means to be young. Don’t make them believe that growing up is considered “freedom” because truly, it doesn’t. We all learn that way too late in our lives, and as an older generation, I hope we are able to teach the younger generation these things.

So, would I do my teenage years over again? Of course, if I didn’t worry about growing up so fast, maybe things would’ve been different. Then again, I wouldn’t have learned from the mistakes I made trying to grow up too fast.

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Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

One Year Later: A Reflection.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters from Liz.

It’s kind of crazy to sit here and reflect on where I was and what my life was like this time last year. I strongly remember winding down on my final semester as a grad student, wrapping up my thesis writing process, and being immensely anxious to the point of no return basically. I wasn’t excited for the future, not even graduating in May and being done with the one thing that caused me a lot of sadness and anxiety. I was worried about everything that was coming, and I remember not being able to handle it anymore. So, one day last April, I decided to seek therapy. 

Starting therapy was a major step in the process of getting myself back together. Not only was I trying to just get some professional guidance about finding a job after grad school and learning how to be an adult in life, but it required me to dig even deeper than that, and talk (and relive) some parts of myself that were so deep-rooted, I forgot they existed. Still, I went to my weekly therapy session every Tuesday, which then switched to every Wednesday, and to this day, I am beyond grateful for taking that step towards therapy.

If you’re skeptical about going to therapy on your own, I know how you feel. You feel like you’re so fucked up in the head that now you need a professional to help “cure” you or you feel like seeking therapy is considered a sign of weakness. I know how difficult it is to seek out therapy; for pride’s sake, for hereditary sake, or masculinity sake. It’s extremely hard to swallow your ego and pride and call out for help, but believe me when I say that therapy helps you organize and discuss things in a way that no other individual in your life is going to speak to you about these things. Don’t always assume that your experience with therapy is going to be like everyone else’s, hell, even like mine, but you will never know how it will be if you don’t at least try it out. Sure, therapy isn’t for everyone, but you will never know what type of help you may need if you don’t seek out options for it.

A lot of the anxiety issues I came into therapy with are now things that I’ve overcome. Last year, I had a really bad case of travel anxiety, to the point where I became too afraid to leave the house because I was afraid bac things were going to happen to me. Now? I mean, I don’t travel as late as I did when I was in grad school, but I’m not afraid to get on trains anymore and travel to places even during the day. Of course, with an anxiety disorder, it’s never going to be a “one and done” type of thing; there’s always going to be something that I’m anxious about and that I’m fighting against. But, I’m working through them.

Screenshot 2019-03-22 at 10.32.18 PM - Edited

Therapy, in the simplest way possible, has forced me to come face-to-face with things about myself and my life that I never knew still affected me to this day. It has also given me a platform to discuss some of the darkest things in my life to someone whose job is to help me decipher it and help me understand what may be happening. It’s allowed me to carry important mantras in life, like learning to be more assertive and being able to stop seeking approval from others.

To be honest, I really don’t know where I’d be today if I didn’t seek out therapy a year ago. I only have an idea on how life would’ve been like for me: me being extremely happy, extremely anxious, and probably feeling immensely stuck in life and unmotivated. I’d also be engaging in very unhealthy coping mechanisms like hiding my feelings, my emotions, and just being very passive towards everything and everyone in my life. Knowing where I was heading, I would’ve been suicidal for a much longer time, feeling like a burden to everyone in my life and having no one to talk to about these issues without feeling shameful or judged about it.

A year later, and I’m still actively trying to improve myself and be a better person for myself. There’s always something to talk about and work through, there’s always going to be something that I realize about myself that I’ve kept to myself for decades, and there’s always going to be a way to get through the tough times in the most healthy way possible.

I am immensely grateful for my therapist, Cathy, who has been helping me for the last year through some of the hardest and most difficult things in my life. She has been extremely patient and willing to get to know me as a person, and she quickly became such an essential part of my weeks, as well as my life. Although she’s on maternity leave for a couple of months and I’m slowly transitioning to seeing my temp, Andrea, I am still very grateful that these women are available for me to speak my mind, and allow me the platform to finally feel heard.

I’m able to grow into the woman I’m supposed to be with the help of therapy.

end note

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Knowing When to Minimize & Prioritize! (4/20/19)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

First and foremost, Happy 4/20 to all the smokers out there! Roll a hot one, enjoy the start of Spring Break, and get ready to see some family for Easter tomorrow! I still remember that one year that 4/20 was on the same day as Easter Sunday and smokers all over the globe were conflicted whether to celebrate some good weed or the good Lord. (Heh, I crack myself up).

Anyway, this letter is dedicated to yet another self-care mechanism that many of us should adapt to our lifestyles because, in all honesty, we all could use some balance between defending ourselves and not taking things too personally.

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s talk about the differences between minimizing and prioritizing.

Minimizing:

Many of us who are the “people-pleaser” kind don’t realize they are doing this, but we tend to think about other people’s reactions and feelings before ours, and even when we do think out ours, we tend to minimize them and play our emotions and feelings off as if they aren’t that big of a deal. While my therapist is on maternity leave, I am currently seeing a temporary therapist for the time being and although we are still getting to know each other, her first depiction of me was pretty much the same one my regular therapist had when I first started therapy: I tend to minimize my feelings and my emotions. I don’t realize I am when I’m discussing them, but I do find myself constantly seeing everyone else’s perspective before mine at times, and in only certain situations, that’s okay!

For example: if you are having a conversation about some issues in any relationship you have with someone in your life (spouse, friend, family, etc.), it’s important to not immediately get defensive and make the entire thing about you. Now, there’s going to be times when you are going to feel attacked or mocked or targeted in these type of discussions, but instead of shooting out your feelings and emotions about the issue because you are prioritizing them in the discussion, always think of the person’s motive before you assume any judgment or criticism is being thrown at you. You have to remember that every serious conversation is not targeted towards your character or your actions, and that to take as much as possible from those discussions, you can’t allow yourself to feel like you are being attacked or targeted, and trust me, having anxiety worsens that feeling and it’s hard to keep that bitch in line when you are in those situations.

A little bit of minimizing like that isn’t harmful to your mental health, I believe. Personally speaking, minimizing how I’m feeling in those moments by remembering the motive of the discussion even helps me learn something about myself along the way. No matter what type of relationship it is, the people who care about you the most is going to tell you how it is, whether you like it or not because of the love and care they have for you. Good minimizing, I believe, is simply not taking everything too personally, because then you present yourself as a person who isn’t willing to grow and learn with the people in your life.

Bad minimizing, is when you’re passive with your feelings and emotions for the sake of other people’s reactions and feelings, which in the long run develops poor communication skills with the people in your life.

Prioritizing:

Because I tend to do some bad minimizing in my life, I am learning when and where I should be prioritizing my feelings and emotions. I’ve been talking a lot about assertiveness this year because, for me, assertiveness is the balance of minimizing and prioritizing. It’s knowing where the other person is coming from, yet also letting them know (without hostility) that your feelings and emotions matter as well and should be respected in the discussion. Prioritizing your feelings and emotions teaches you a lot about yourself; your limits, your morals, and your value as a human being. At the end of the day, no one else in this world is going to prioritize you but you, so why do your body, mind, and soul the injustice?

When people say that no one is going to respect you if you don’t respect yourself, it speaks volumes because it’s true. Of course, you don’t have to be all mean and bossy when demanding respect from others (because quite frankly, demanding respect doesn’t mean you have it for yourself, you just want others to respect you to make yourself feel validated), you could simply meet both ways, or be assertive with yourself and know that you love the people in your life, and you love yourself as well.

I started to realize that prioritizing meant more than just having others understand where you’re coming from. I learned that even prioritizing for my own health and safety is so important in life! When I began to get suicidal thoughts a couple of months ago in 2018, I minimized it because I didn’t think it was that serious to put out in the world. I thought I was able to handle it myself without having to scare anyone in my life or have them worry about me. But, I know that if I didn’t prioritize that feeling and that emotion and didn’t say anything to my therapist at the time, I don’t know what would’ve happened. I don’t wanna think about what might’ve happened, but the case I’m trying to make is that it’s so important to prioritize your feelings and emotions so that you know that in situations like that, you are able to seek the help you may need. Prioritizing your emotions and feelings helps you through the healing process, and it makes things a lot easier on you in the long run. Prioritizing, no matter how severe or minor the situation may be, is an important factor in self-discovery because it helps you even understand yourself better.

As I’m still learning when are the right times to minimize and prioritize, I have to remember that I’m still learning to discover who I am in these situations, who I am in this world, and who I am morally in the long run. Rome wasn’t built in a day, nor was self-discovery. 

So, be patient in your process.

end note

Topic Tuesdays: Music

Music Favorites: KPop Edition!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters from Liz!

One thing you should know about me is that I’m a music lover. I love listening to music, singing music, and pretty much just enjoy myself with my favorite tunes. What you may not know about me is that within the last month, I’ve been really into KPop, also known as Korean Pop. As mentioned in a couple of my past music related posts, I shared the story on how I first got introduced to KPop: being in the laundromat with my mother watching the music videos of TWICE’s “Knock Knock” and “Signal“.

Since then, I started to become more interested in the KPop music world. I began to expand my horizons with other girl groups (boy groups aren’t really my thing) and South Korean competition shows (of course with English subtitles). As the year went on, I started to find myself being more excited for KPop comebacks than the American artists I normally would listen to. A year later, I’m officially KPop trash.

So, if you’re into KPop, then maybe we have some similar favorites and biases! If you aren’t a fan, well maybe you could give it a try and listen to some of these girl groups and see if you like it!

First and foremost, we’ll start with the first KPop girl group I ever listened to:

TWICE:

Image result for twice

TWICE is a South Korean girl group under JYP Entertainment. They debuted on October 20th, 2015 after the wildly successful survival competition show, Sixteen, which put the group together at the end. In age order, the members are Nayeon, Jeongyeon, Momo, Sana, Jihyo, Mina, Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu. Since their debut, they have released quite a few albums both in Korean and in Japan (which they debuted in during the Spring of 2017). As of today, they have 6 mini albums, 4 special repackaged albums, 1 full-length Korean album, 1 full-length Japanese album, 2 complication Japanese albums, and 3 Japanese single releases (excluding “BDZ“, which was promoted for their full-length album). They are notably the biggest girl group currently in Asia, and it truly shows through their fandom, ONCEs.

Personal Favorites:

  • Bias: Jeongyeon. When I first got into TWICE, my bias changed a lot while I was getting to know them as artists and “idols” on variety shows. When I started to listen to more of their B-sides on their albums, I’ve realized that Jeongyeon can sing her motherfuckin’ ass off. Her position in the group is Lead Vocalist, which in other terms is more so a lead singer. With Nayeon as Lead Vocalist and Center and Jihyo as the Main Vocalist means that sometimes Jeongyeon is the one that doesn’t get that much recognition on the title tracks, but in all honesty… Jeongyeon is the best singer out of all of them. I’m happy in their more recent comebacks, she’s been getting more lines and opportunities to shine, so hopefully, we do get to see more of Jeongyeon’s killer voice.
  • Bias Wrecker: Chaeyoung. Chaeyoung is seriously the only member in the group that’s all around a good performer. She’s the Main Rapper of the group, and she’s damn good at it when she’s given the opportunity to show her skills on tracks. She also is the Twice member that writes a lot of the B-sides of their albums (along with Jihyo). She also can sing and dance really well, but the thing that makes Chaeyoung a lot of people’s bias wreckers is that she’s versatile with the many concepts in KPop. Out of all of the members, she’s the one that could pull off the girl crush concept very well, as well do well in TWICE’s more girly, cutesy concepts.
  • Favorite Comeback/Album: TWICE’s 5th Mini Album, What is Love? was literally their best comeback and mini album in my opinion. The whole concept of What is Love? was so cute and colorful, and most of the songs were really good! All of their albums are pretty good, but this album was definitely the one that all of the songs were equally as good as the title track.

Blackpink:

Image result for blackpink

If you haven’t heard of Blackpink, then you’ve been living under a rock because they just broke YouTube’s record of fastest views upon debut. In simpler words: they are a force to be reckoned with. Even with only a couple of digital mini albums and repackaged singles in Japan, they are pretty much the queens of the girl crush concept. Debuting in August 2016 under YG Entertainment, the Blackpink members consist of Jisoo, Jennie, Rose, and Lisa. Personally, their global success not only stems from South Korea, but the fact that most of these girls are from different countries around the world. With Jisoo born and raised in South Korea, Jennie studied in New Zealand for five years, Rose lived in Australia before moving to South Korea, and Lisa was born in Thailand. Their success also stems from the fact that it breaks the boundaries that girl groups are known for in KPop. These aren’t “cute girls”; they don’t make cutesy concepts because it doesn’t fit their style. Many foreigners who see KPop as being just cutesy and girly are surprised when they hear four girls singing in westernized-styled music in Korean.

Personal Favorites:

  • Bias: I don’t really have a bias in this group because there are already so little girls in the group. At first, I really did like Jennie because her rapping skills in “Boombayah” is crazy. Of course, after I got to listen to the girls more and see on shows and such, I really did fall in love with all of them equally.
  • Bias Wrecker: Although I don’t have a bias, I sometimes feel like Jisoo makes me get a bias. She has such a unique voice and she has such an amazing personality on variety shows. She’s also kinda considered as the underdog in the group at times because when they first debuted, there were areas in her performances that needed more improvement than the other girls. Now? She’s fierce and strong!
  • Favorite Comeback/Album: Although I didn’t listen to their music before their DDU-DU-DDU-DU comeback back in June 2018, I think my favorite comeback of theirs was As If It’s Your Last. The song showcased a lot of different styles of music, and it also showed more of their girlier side? I don’t know, to me, it showcased a lot of their abilities and a wide range of vocals (and raps).

Fromis_9:

Image result for fromis_9

Fromis_9 is a relevantly a newer group in KPop, and it wasn’t until their recent comeback that I started to really like them as a group. Fromis, which is the Korean translation of “promise”, but also the group name means “from is”, which also means “From Idol School”, another survival competition show that formed the group together. The group debuted in January 2018 with their first mini-album entitled, To. Heart and they are represented by Stone Music Entertainment. The members consist of Saerom, Hayoung, Gyuri, Jiwon, Jisun, Seoyeon, Chaeyoung, Nagyoung, and Jiheon. I first heard of the group when I was watching Sixteen and participant, Jiwon, was also in the running to debut in TWICE. When she was eliminated from the show, I did hope that she would debut in a group one day because she had a really unique voice from other Korean singers. Also, Gyuri participated in the popular survival competition show, Produce 48. The biggest surprise to the other 96 participants was that she had already debuted in a group yet she was participating in a show for trainees who’ve yet to debut. Although Gyuri didn’t go on to win a spot in Produce 48‘s temporary girl group, she did go back to Fromis_9 and is still a permanent member under them.

Personal Favorites:

  • Bias: Gyuri. While on Produce 48, she had a really good personality, and she had a pretty, strong voice! She also has a contagious personality, which I wish she carried out more of that while being in Fromis_9!
  • Bias Wrecker: This is kind of hard because I feel like the more I watch their performances and variety show appearances, it changes. Recently, I think Chaeyoung is my bias wrecker because she is the ultimate clown in Fromis_9. Plus, her look for their latest comeback was so bomb; it just made her stand out from the others a bit more.
  • Favorite Comeback/Album: Although I tried to listen to their older discography from earlier in the year, “Love Bomb” still remains superior. The song is catchy, the concept was cute and colorful, and I believe they are heading in the right direction with their group! I hope that same energy stays within the group, and I hope the group lasts long; there are so many different groups now and the competition is intense. So, I hope they do big things!

Girls’ Generation:

Image result for girls generation ot9

Such an old photo of them, but hear me out. Again, if you never heard of this girl group, then you’ve really been living under a rock. Girls’ Generation debuted in August 2007 under SM Entertainment. Their debut was monumental in KPop history because, at the time, girl groups weren’t popular at the time. Their debut title track, “Into The New World”, took KPop fans by surprise when these girls sang in unison, live, and danced some hard choreography. They quickly began to get success in South Korea, and by 2009, their hit single, “Gee”, became a worldwide hit. The original nine members in the group were Taeyeon, Jessica, Sunny, Tiffany, Hyoyeon, Yuri, Sooyoung, Yoona, and Seohyun. In 2014, Jessica both left SM Entertainment and the group, which left the 8 members to make new music, which also did pretty well. Their last comeback as an eight-member group was in August 2017, which celebrated their 10 year Anniversary. By the end of 2017, Tiffany, Sooyoung, and Seohyun left SM Entertainment to pursue solo endeavors and in 2018, the subunit Girls’ Generation-Oh!GG (which consists of Taeyeon, Sunny, Hyoyeon, Yuri, and Yoona) debuted with their single, “Lil Touch”. As of 2018, Girls’ Generation has released… a lot of albums: fulls, minis, Japanese releases; a lot.

Personal Favorites:

  • Bias: Although I actually like all of the women equally in all honesty, I think I like Tiffany the most because of her story. She was born in California and auditioned for SM Entertainment in the U.S, which then scouted her to South Korea at 15 to be a part of this girl group. Although she is Korean-American, she had to learn the language, the culture, all while being under the spotlight in a highly anticipated girl group. She also just has a very contagious sweet personality, and she can sing her ass off. As of now, Tiffany is a solo artist in the United States, and she just released her first EP, Lips on Lips. 
  • Bias Wrecker: Sooyoung. Sooyoung is the clown in the group and has the personality for acting and variety shows. She does a lot more acting nowadays, but while in the group, she made almost every MC laugh out loud for her jokes and snarky yet playful remarks. I also believe she’s just so pretty; her concept for their Holiday Night album was so cute! Sooyoung with short hair and a tan is a mood.
  • Favorite Comeback/Album: Although I haven’t personally listened to every album they released, my favorite comeback was in 2013, all nine members, with the song “I Got A Boy“. That song tried something different for the first time in KPop, and even though at the time it was weird and unheard of, it’s now a style that many girl groups in this generation adapted either for their own title tracks or b-sides. It was also showcased a more mature version of the girls; most of the group were in their mid-20’s at the time, and as the grew, their music did. To me, this comeback pretty much proved that these girls could fit any concept and it was always natural for them to adapt to the many concepts they tried out in their run. They are iconic for a reason!

 

That’s it for now! In a couple of weeks, I’ll be back to talk about some of my favorite rookie groups at the moment, so stay tuned for that!

end note

 

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: How I’m Learning to Diffuse the Energy Behind My Issues. (4/13/19)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, towards the end of 2018, I promised myself that going into 2019, I would become more assertive with myself, as well as prioritize my emotions and feelings more through communication and being more open and honest with myself. That’s a whole task, I know, but for the most part, it’s going well. I find myself not being so afraid to have conversations that are more on the serious side, I tend to not hold back how I’m feeling as much anymore, and I’m actively being more like myself than I have been since I honestly started therapy last year. But like my partner once told me, “once you get over the problems you’re currently having, it makes you stronger for the bigger ones coming as you get older.”

As to April’s first post on “Letters”, I opened up about discussing trauma secrets out into the world as being a liberating and healing experience for me. Opening up about something I’ve kept to myself for a year wasn’t something I was going to do until I told my therapist what was going on. If it wasn’t for her explaining the importance of speaking about it more to diffuse the energy it carries, I don’t think I’d be where I am currently in my life.

Thank you, Cathy.

When I started to talk more about the issue to the person who mattered the most (my partner), I began to understand that communication about anything negative in your life helps diffuse the energy that it carries. So not only was I just communicating my trauma secrets to diffuse that energy, but communicating even the toxic traits or the parts of me I self-loathe started to become easier because I began to discuss them more, whether that was with my loved ones, or my therapist.

For a person who hated confrontation and was scared of causing negativity to any degree for most of their life, speaking against these fears have been helpful in the process of me growing. It’s helped me put things into a more helpful and progressive perspective (say that five times fast!). For example: instead of me being afraid to get into a confrontation with friends and family because I was afraid of hurting their feelings or how they’ll react, I began to see it as a way to diffuse the energy between us and the issue, and the more we talk about these issues between us, the smaller they will become and we could move on from them to continue living our lives. Does that make sense?

At the end of the day, it’s more than just communicating for the hell of it; it’s about knowing why you are communicating this, how communicating this is going to help you, and how is it going to improve your way of communicating in the future. Also, don’t just communicate with someone about something for your own personal needs! Always, as much as you can, have a positive motive when talking to someone about something.

Instead of saying: “hey, we need to talk because I’m mad that x,y, and z”, you start off by saying, “hey, I feel the need to talk about this just to diffuse some negative energy behind it, so talking about this won’t be such a big deal in the future.”

Honestly, that’s all it takes.

Regarding my personal issues, you all already know just how open I am about my mental health and my progress and, believe it or not, that helps me diffuse the negative energy society has about mental health. I speak about my experiences to diffuse the negative energy and help others understand that mental health is bigger in other people’s lives than your own, and as well-rounded human beings, we all should respect that.

The more you talk about it, the easier it gets.

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