So, a lot of things have been changing in my life recently. I feel like the person I was even back at the beginning of the summer was not the same place that present me is in now. It’s a little scary, but I feel like I’m more than ready, especially now, to take on these changes.
For starters, I might be returning back to work soon! It’s been 5 months since I last had a day of work and now that the pandemic is slowing down here in NYC, we’re all are getting back to our lives in somewhat a normal (new normal) way.
I’m a little nervous to get back to it because I feel like I will need to relearn everything I knew before. I’m sure many of us who are returning are going to need just a day of relearning things, but I know myself well enough that I would get back into the swing of things once I’m physically there and going back to my routine.
Another major thing that is changing is also my lifestyle. Within the next couple of months, I’ll be finally prepping myself for bariatric surgery; it requires a lot of sacrifices and a complete change within my lifestyle. I can’t lie, it’s been causing me a lot of anxiety lately because I feel like I don’t have much self-control to ever majorly change my lifestyle in the way that I have to for this surgery. In other words, I feel like even if I slip up for a day or two, I would be extremely hard on myself for lacking discipline. I know it’s not going to be an easy transition and I know I will fail here and there while adjusting, but knowing that fact scares me.
Also, let me just slip the fact that any change whatsoever scares the living shit out of me.
Dealing with an anxiety disorder, no matter what spectrum its on, it makes change extremely worrisome. We work the best when we have a routine packed down; we feel the most comfortable when he know what’s going to happen, how’s it gonna happen, and when it’s going to happen. It’s knowing that we’re not threatened when things happen and that we don’t feel so overwhelmed when things don’t go as planned.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that we hate change, because we don’t know how it’ll affect our already established routines.
For me, I’ve been personally writing in what I call a anxiety journal; I wanted to write out my anxieties as they happen just so they don’t linger on my mind for too long! For the most part, it’s been working; it’s given me a place where I can talk thing out with myself and possibly resolve any worries I have about things. Of course, it’s not going to be the solution for every anxiety I deal with, but it’s still a good alternative to resolve some of them out.
Although many of these new lifestyle changes are up and coming and I have to start getting used to them, I know that in the wrong run that they will become a part of my routine and it won’t be as scary as it is now.
Embrace some changes, especially if they are positive changes.
August has become one of the hardest months to go through for the many memories it carries.
Hi, my name is Liz, and I remember same of the most life-changing things that happen in August that I wish to one day forget completely.
Two years ago on August 18th, 2018, my family and I went to a mass for my grandfather who passed away just weeks prior due to lung cancer. His life span went from two months to two weeks, to then the following day finding out he passed on. I want to say our family hasn’t been the same since then and I don’t think we ever will be; he held us together like glue. Now? Well, we’d be lucky if we see each other twice a year or something. That day, I saw my entire family cry and for the first time since his death, I quietly mourned his loss. I’m not good with death and I always believed my role in the family was to be the strong one, but I was allow to cry and grieve that day. I didn’t. I didn’t grieve my grandfather’s death until I was by myself, in the shower, where no one was able to hear my cries.
One year ago, on August 19th, 2019, the decade-long relationship I had ended in a mutual agreement. Things were said to each other and we both know that our journey together was coming to an end. We had broken up way too many times before to not feel like it was time to officially call it quits. I remember simply asking my ex “what do you want?” and he asked, “from you?” and I just said, “for yourself.” It was the first time that I admitted out loud that I wasn’t in any position to love another person because I didn’t love myself. I knew I was doing nothing but hurting my ex by checking out, and it was my responsibility that I didn’t speak up sooner in hopes I’d feel better or be better. But, your soul just doesn’t work that way. She tells you when it’s time to let go and move on and she sticks to her word.
This happened the late-night before my first day at my first job. I was nervous about starting something completely new and ironically I was ending something that had been in my life for the last decade. I cried over the phone for hours, fearing that I was losing the one person in my life I thought loved me for me. I wanted to work things out, but I also knew that I needed to be on my own for a bit and figure out what I needed for myself. In hindsight, I feel guilty that my relationship had to be the thing I sacrificed in order to do that, but there was reason why it was sacrificed in the first place.
I woke up to then start my first day at my new job at the bookstore. I walked in and saw two people and my manager standing behind the register area, and I simply said, “hi, I’m Liz, ‘m here for the training…” With two other newcomers that day, I simply distracted myself from what had happened the night prior. None of the people at my job knew who I was, I guess I played the role of “normal young adult” well enough to the point that they didn’t know that my first day was the day my relationship ended until I told them once we got close.
One year ago, on August 25th, 2019, I cut myself for the first time since July 7th, 2013. I was on the phone with my ex, again trying to talk everything out and say everything that needed to be said in order to move on. It turned into an argument. It turned into a full-blown fight. I don’t remember the specific details because I used to dissociate whenever I was being yelled at or in a confrontation, but I remember feeling like all I wanted was someone to see that I wasn’t okay, that the way I’ve been acting and the way I’ve been for the longest time was because my depressive episodes were at its worst, that no, my depression wasn’t just the normal routine for nervousness at a new environment, my depression was the kind that those around me are empathetic about because they are afraid they’ll lose them to suicide. I just wanted someone to take my mental health seriously for once, and my scars on my arm was the only visible way to show people I am not okay. In hindsight, it was extremely unhealthy of me, but in that moment when I wanted someone to see me, I didn’t care.
The following day, on August 26th, 2019, it was the official first day of RUSH at the bookstore. Once my name tag went around my neck and I walked into that store to clock-in, I was “Hi, how can I help you?” Liz, not the “I cut the shit out of myself and the bruises are hiding under my sleeve because I’m deeply depressed” Liz.
Two years in a row, I lost two people who absolutely meant the most to me in this world.
My grandfather was the voice of wisdom, even when sometimes his age showed in his beliefs. My grandfather was my grandfather, despite him not being my biological grandfather. He took care of my sister and I since we were little kids; treated us like his own whenever we used to visit him and my grandmother just a block away from our house and eventually in Pennsylvania. He was tough, but he had a heart of gold and he was fearless. If he were to still be alive during this time of self-discovery and emancipation from my past, I believe he would be proud of me for doing something that was fearless. I believe he would still love the person that I am today.
My ex was my best friend before anything else, and to this day it still hurts that in this process of ending our relationship, I lost a best friend. I lost the friend that helped me pay for textbooks whenever I couldn’t cover them. I lost the friend that came to my uncle’s funeral to be by my side for a moment. I lost the friend that I used to support when it came to their wildest dreams. I lost the friend that was an amazing friend, and parts of me wish I haven’t fallen in love and made things complicated with our feelings. Unfortunately, things happen and if you sacrifice one aspect of the relationship, you sacrifice the whole thing, especially when both relationships were so intertwined with one another. I didn’t lose a partner that night over the phone, I lost my best friend.
Perhaps these are just some of the reasons why I’m so afraid to get too close to people. I’m afraid I’ll lose them, I’m afraid things will get complicated to the point you have to let them go, I’m afraid that one day I’ll say “see you later” and it ultimately turns into the last goodbye. I’m afraid of letting people too close to my heart. I can pour out my heart and tell you my history and my story because hey, I’m a writer, I tell my story almost in every post I write. What I don’t do often is let people live in my heart, just because it’s been broken so many times whenever someone moved out of it.
Theses August memories are some of the memories I still mourn, no matter how many years pass by and no matter how much I’m now in a better place. These August memories are some of the moments that make up my being as of today, and hopefully I am able to forgive myself and these memories and move on from them like I’m doing with the rest of my past.
Mollie stands in front of her closet doors, staring at the dress hanging on the hook of her closet. She sits at the edge of the bed and takes a deep breath in. The sun is starting to set and she knows she needs to start getting ready for one of the most important nights of her life. Although she didn’t plan for things to go the way they’re currently going, but her life was never conventional.
She stands up from the bed and walks to her vanity. She looks in the mirror and sees herself. She’s still pretty petite and fit, but her stomach is slowly getting more round as the weeks go by. She’s 4-months pregnant and she’s feeling indifferent about it. She’s scared, she’s anxious, and at some points she’s depressed; she stopped her whole life to get ready for the one she’s about to live. But, she also knows that when people are madly in love, they do crazy things, and she’s become one of them.
There’s a picture of her and her fiance, Weston, when they were teenagers. They’re both in caps and gowns, smiling as Weston’s “bunny ears” hand is behind Mollie’s head. Mollie smiles. There was no doubt that she loved him since the moment she met him in high-school, and even with a couple of obstacles in their way, they’re just a couple of hours from getting married and 5 months away from welcoming their first child. She’s happy, yet she feels like she doesn’t deserve to be.
Her thoughts are quickly brought back to reality when she hears someone knocking on her front door. The person outside of the door calls out for Mollie; she recognizes the voice; it’s Sophie, her best friend’s wife. Mollie yells out that the door is open, and she frantically starts to get her hair and makeup done.
Sophie walks into the bedroom and looks at Mollie.
Sophie: You’re not ready yet?
Mollie: Hello to you too, Sophie.
Sophie grabs a couple of bobby pins from the vanity and helps Mollie with her hair.
Sophie: I just expected for you to be ready by the time I got here, is everything alright?
Sophie looks at Mollie through the mirror of the vanity; Mollie looks anxious and worried.
Mollie: I’m fine, everything’s fine.
Sophie grabs the hairspray from the vanity; she shakes her head.
Sophie: Aigo…
Mollie:*confused* What?
Sophie: Nothing, Mol, you’re just sitting in this chair, lying to me…
Mollie: *turns around, irritated* I said I’m fine, Soph.
Sophie:*eyes widen, sarcastically* Wow, was I this moody with both of my pregnancies? Because you’re taking it to the next level.
Mollie rolls her eyes and faces the vanity mirror again to continue putting on her makeup.
Mollie: Look, I’m a little stressed, that’s all.
Sophie: I mean, that’s normal. You are getting married tonight.
Mollie: I’m eloping tonight, Sophie.
Sophie:*confused* It’s a marriage, Mol…
Sophie finishes with Mollie’s hair and turns the chair around to face her. With her hand out, Mollie gives her the makeup brush; Mollie was never the makeup wearing type.
Sophie: Are you having second doubts about this?
Mollie doesn’t answer; she’s just immersed in thought.
Sophie:*questions* Are you having second doubts marrying Weston?
Mollie: It’s not that, it’s just- everything is happening so fast…
Mollie: Well, you two are different. You guys are… normal.
Sophie: And you’re not?
Mollie wears a worry face; Mollie never thought she was as “normal” as Sophie. Sure, Sophie is a person that has traveled the world with her parents; born in South Korea, raised in England; living her American dream in New York City. Sure, she hasn’t had the most conventional relationship with Milo; she was pregnant with their daughter once they graduated high-school, they got married after graduating college, and now have a newborn son. Yet, their relationship felt natural, normal. There was no doubt that Weston loves Mollie, and Mollie loves Weston just as much, but she can’t help but feeling like she’ll ruin everything, since she believes that’s what she’s done all her life.
Mollie: *guard is up* You’re right. I’m just overthinking everything.
Sophie: Weston is lucky to have a woman like you. He’s madly in love with you and I know he’s probably back at the house with Milo excited as ever to marry you.
Back at Milo’s, Weston is in the bedroom looking at himself in his suit through the mirror. He takes a deep breath; he’s nervously adjusting his suit. Milo walks in the bedroom while trying to put on his tie. He takes a look at Weston.
Milo: Looking sharp, my man!
Weston:*nervously* Thanks.
Milo: That didn’t sound convincing. You’re okay?
Weston takes a deep breath and turns around to face Milo.
Weston: Didn’t you feel this nervous on your wedding day?
Milo: Well, yeah, it’s normal to feel nervous, but you look like you’re about to sweat your suit off. *pauses* I mean, you gotta save that move for Mol on your honeymoon!
Weston smirks as Milo laughs at his own joke. After Milo puts on his tie, he walks over to Weston to fix his up.
Milo: Man, you’re marrying Mollie Sue Castro… how does that feel?
Weston: *giddy* Amazing. Unbelievable. Like, whoever thought she’d say yes?
Milo: Mollie loves you, man. Of course she would’ve said yes.
Weston:*worrisome* I know, but… you know how Mollie is…
Milo: You mean how difficult she could be?
Weston looks at Milo uncomfortably. If anyone knows Mollie well, it’s her long lifetime best friend, Milo. Milo and Mollie were born just a month apart, and because Mollie’s oldest sister and Milo’s father have been best friends for life (now married) so it was only nature that most of their time was spent together. Milo knows just how much Mollie struggles with her own inner demons, and he knows that Weston juggles them as well as his own. But, Mollie loves Weston with all of her heart, and he loves her just as much, if not even more. They are expecting their first child together, and although that’s another adventure they’ll be going through, he knows he wouldn’t want nothing more than to marrying the love of his life.
Milo notices the look on Weston’s face; he knows what he’s thinking.
Milo: I didn’t mean it like it, man. I just… I just know how she is.
Weston: I know.
Milo: I just know that she overthinks everything and believes she can’t have good things happen for her.
Weston: *asks out loud* You think she wants this?
Milo scrunches his eyebrows; how could Weston even think such thing?
Milo: Bro…
Weston: She’s been struggling these last couple of months. It’s sometimes so hard to read her mind and see if she’s really happy, y’know? I know the pregnancy happened so unexpectedly, but still, I just hope she’s just trying to deal with everything coming our way.
Milo: Listen, Mollie is love with you, she just has a hard time expressing it. She thinks she doesn’t deserve it. And from what she tells me, it seems like you let her know all the time just how much she deserves to love and be loved.
Weston takes a nervous deep breath, and then turns back to look at the mirror in the bedroom.
Weston: She’s the best fucking thing to happen to me, man.
Milo: *gets up* Then let’s go and give her your last name, bro!
The men sit inside the church hall waiting for the ladies to arrive. Milo is sitting on a benchwhile Weston paces back and forth. He’s panicking and he’s thinking about all of the scenarios that could’ve possibly happen: what if she’s not feeling well? What if she changed her mind? What if she ran away and Sophie can’t find her? Weston hasn’t heard from Mollie since last night, and it’s been the longest since they’ve not seen or spoken to each other.
The door opens and Weston turns around; he sees Sophie holding the door open as Mollie walks in. Weston instantly smiles at the sight of Mollie. She’s wearing a flowy, white summer dress; one that perfectly showcases her ever growing belly. Her hair is perfectly curly with a princess braid wrapped around her head. A little veil is tucked in her hair, making her look angelic and fairy-like. Weston’s eyes get watery, and Mollie notices it.
Mollie:*cutely laughs* Oh, Weston.
Milo and Sophie caress each other and watch the couple taking each other’s sights in. They both mutually agree to walk away from the couple to give them their time.
Weston and Mollie hug each other tightly, and then step back to take a good look at each other.
Weston: You’re so fucking beautiful, Mol.
Mollie: And you’re so fucking handsome, Weston.
He laughs and takes in his view.
Weston: How you’re feeling, babe?
Mollie: Nervous, anxious… queasy.
Weston kneels down to Mollie’s stomach and directly talks to it.
Weston: Hey, princess, mommy looks incredibly beautiful in her dress today, and today’s the day that mommy and daddy get married. I know you wanna be the center of attention– mommy’s the same way– but let’s make this day special for her.
Mollie looks down at Weston and all of the nerves she had about marrying Weston disappears. She knows Weston already loves their child and will do anything to protect her and their child. She knew for a really long time that Weston was her person, THE person that she was meant to be with for the rest of her life. She didn’t expect it to be going as fast pace as it was going. She may feel like she doens’t immediately know where life will take her, but she’s sure enough she wants Weston by her side.
He gets up from kneeling and back staring at Mollie. The smile never leaves his face.
Weston: Is this what you want, Mol?
The question takes her off-guard. She expected her hand to be held by Weston’s and guided her towards the inside of the church. The look on her face makes him nervous.
Weston: Mol?
She snaps out of the thought.
Mollie: Yeah?
Weston: *whispers* Listen, if you’re not ready to do this, we can always wait. If you want the whole wedding ceremony, I will give you just that, babe. Anything.
Mollie smiles at Weston. Damn, when did she get so lucky to have this man? She leans in and kisses Weston softly.
Mollie: Let’s do this, Mr. Ashmore.
Weston smiles and opens the door for Mollie. He bows.
Weston: After you, soon-to-be Mrs. Ashmore.
They both walk into the Church with Milo and Sophie as their witnesses.
So, let me state the obvious: I don’t have many friendships in my life; half of the reason is because of my SAD preventing me from building and keeping friendships and the fact that I’m not a good enough friend for others and, well, a lot of other insecure and anxious thoughts that come to my head.
Of course, this past year has been a year that I’ve gotten the chance to meet a ton of new people and make meaningful relationships with them in my life. It first started with my coworkers at the bookstore (who I miss with my whole heart; we all need to go back to work), which then it turned into others who I got to see every day in my routine, and now, we have some internet friends.
Lemme explain.
I’ve mentioned before that throughout the summer, I got into the Kpop trading community on Instagram to take my collecting more seriously and in the process, I’ve met some really awesome people in the community. It was refreshing to find people who were interested in Kpop and knew the groups that you liked as well! It’s no secret that my favorite Kpop group is Victon; they own my entire heart and to find people who see Victon in the same eyes was amazing. For once, I felt like I was allowed to talk about and go crazy for over the group that quietly enjoyed on my own for the last couple of months. The amount of Seungsik photos I get spammed on my trading account from my moots always attacks me, but so highkey appreciated.
In the weeks I’ve been in the community, I’ve made some friendships with people that I’m so glad to have now in my everyday routine and where we can help each other out with our collections.
Normally, I stray away from internet friendships because there’s always a sadness behind it: you never know if you’ll ever get the chance to meet them in person, and sometimes, friendships strive best when you see them in person! I also used to not see the point of having online friends or saw it as a negative thing. My lack of better judgment thought that online friends only exist for people who can’t keep IRL friends which isn’t true, but go off inner negative voice in my head. It wasn’t until I started to make some online friends on my own that I soon realize that any friendship is a friendship, whether or not it’s a traditional one or not. You can hang out with your online friends in watch parties (like I do very frequently with Ro) you could have mass group chats with a group of your friends and just have a good time in there; the choices are unless with the technology we have!
I appreciate my online friends in this community because they give an escape from the real world and give me a chance to just appreciate good Kpop music and fan-girl over them. My online friends (some younger than me, some older) have showed me that music as no age and anyone can enjoy it and that being a collector is not a dumb thing. If anything, being in this community has helped me embrace this part of my identity even more; it’s showed me that it’s okay to have such an interest in something that’s a little different than everyone else’s.
My friend Ro and I (I now know two Ro’s in my life: my mentor and now my kpop twin, haha) were talking about the importance of friendships and how the best kinds were the ones that involve both parties involved being open and comfortable enough to share their interests with each other. Being a person that hasn’t had many opportunities to discuss what I like and what my interests are to my friends, being in this community is one thing to have a common liking of a genre, but to actually be open to learning about groups you didn’t know about or didn’t listen to prior to meeting these people makes the friendships that more genuine and authentic. I’ve been more of myself these last couple of weeks more than I’ve been in my life, and that says a lot about the people you connect with in the community.
I am so grateful for people like Ro, Amy, Ella, Lae, and the others I’ve got the pleasure in knowing! I’m so happy that with the little time I’ve been on this side of the Kpop community, I was able to make online friendships that may one day be in person ones! Like, the group chat already got plans to do a whole tour to meet each other and when the day comes when Victon makes some U.S stops on a tour, you best to believe we are all going to be waving our vickeybongs and singing Victon songs and crying over our boys and honestly – any friendship, whether it is in person or online, is a friendship. It’s the same love and caring nature you feel when you build friendships in any way shape or form.
So, for my trading community friends, thank you for making this summer a great one and a fun one.
Thank you to Ella, the person who lives in Europe but feels so close like I’ve known her forever, thank you for encouraging me to make a trading account and thank you for always coming to me for advice when you need it and for also being so comfortable for sharing your story with me and vice versa. Thank you for also taking me under your wing and allowing me to be a apart of some of your Kpop activities with your friends like it makes me so happy that you seek out for my opinions on things and for always being comfortable enough to write me and share your work stories because best to believe, I’ll be sharing mine when I go back! You are amazing I can’t wait for the day you decide to come to NYC to visit your family so that we can do all the goofy and fun things together!
Thank you to Ro, who I’ve gotten the pleasure in getting to know and realize that we might’ve been twins in our past life, for everything you do and for always making me feel comfortable in being myself. Thank you for putting me onto all these new groups and for introducing me to watch parties, like it still means so much to me that you’d want to virtually hang out with me and gush over our boys together and for introducing so many new groups in my Kpop discography! Thank you for also understanding my insecurities of being an adult collector; you definitely helped me embrace the fact that I’m an adult collector and that Kpop is not just a thing for younger audiences. Also, thank you for understanding my ult love for Seungsik as I understand yours with Sejun! It makes me the happiest that I could go insane for Seungsik the way that I do and not feel shameful for doing so because, well, after the Seungsik fancam is a Sejun one and you’re pretty much doing the same thing! Also, putting this out into existence: we will get into a fansign one day and completely stop breathing in front of our boys because, like, well you already know the deal. (Also, thank you for giving me even more reason to visit South Korea when you move there; not only do I get to hang out with someone as awesome as you but I’d be crossing something off my bucket list of things to do in my lifetime! In the words of you yourself: SLAY!)
Thank you to Amy, possibly the one person on this planet that will always reign on top alongside with Subin because, y’know – “respect for the maknae, where” – for accepting me in your circle in the trading community. Before I got to know you, I followed your Victon edit account and felt like the biggest fan when I got to meet you because your edits were some the staple points in me falling hard for Victon and to be friends with someone who you admired as a creator was simply surreal, so thank you for taking me under your wing! Thank you for trusting me and if there’s something I appreciate more than ever, it’s that you feel comfortable enough to talk to me about things that worry you or stress you out; it means the world that my advice and my words can help you out in whatever you’re dealing with! Thank you for always making me smile and for also attacking me with Sik related things and a BIG thank you for helping me with my collection as well as providing me a space to be comfortable to share my excitement on my collection and vice versa! Thank you for loving Hanse the way I love Seungsik and the way Ro loves Sejun: unconditionally! Haha.
And for everyone else who I get to interact with and me myself with in the community, thank you so much for accepting my energy and for always supporting me whenever I’m not in the best of spaces. Your energy and your support means the absolute world to me, and it truly makes me feel like I’m not alone and that I, a person who fears that I deserve to be alone, actually isn’t. Thank you.
So, July was a very interesting month for “favorites”! I say favorites because, well, these things have so much potential to be favorites possibly this time next month!
July was a month that I got the pleasure to listen to a lot of new music and meet a lot of new people through the trading community who recommended these new songs to listen to!
Shall we get straight to it?
1.) WayV
So first, I’ve met an amazing person this past month that has become literally one of my closest friends in the community alongside Amy and Ella; their name is Ro and they’ve been making my days so great lately by either spamming my DMs with pictures of my ult, Seungsik, and crying over the fact that Sejun is a literal masterpiece. Just recently, they’ve put me onto a boy group that I’ve occasionally heard through the KPop community but never really checked out: WayV!
WayV is the fourth and most recent sub-unit in the whole NCT mega-group in SM Entertainment. What makes them different than the other NCT groups is that this is the first NCT-related group to be based in China; so technically they aren’t Kpop, but instead Cpop! This is also the first group under that is fixed, meaning they don’t change members for every comeback like most of the other NCT-related groups which, for me at least, I like. I don’t really much like change, especially when you’re researching a new group trying to get into them and know who the members are and all of that. For WayV, there are 7 members: Kun, Ten, Winwin, Lucas, Xiaojun, Hendery, and YangYang.
Anyway! These boys are, like, crazy with their duality. One minute you’re sweating over their very sexy dance moves and songs, and the next minute you’re uwuing over their cuteness. They have a very similar familial energy that Victon has, which clearly I’m a complete sucker for groups with crazy-ass chemistry. But yes, after getting educated on WayV by Ro, I’ve started to realize just how much I was about to double-bias in this group. I instantly was hooked on Ten, possibly my favorite dancer ever, and who’s vocals are like butter. Honestly, that man took all the damn talent. He has a duality that I guess is my type in Kpop biases because he’s oof one minute and then smiling like the baby he is. Ugh, such a talented man! My second bias is Kun, the leader and eldest in the group and someone who has the prettiest vocals ever. He sorta came in out of nowhere, like I was not expected to bias him but like… the bias is real and I’m not complaining.
Honestly y’all, just stan WayV!
2.) BTS
Hi, my name is Liz and, like, I’m getting into BTS?! Who would’ve thought that me, LIZ, would get into BTS in any way! I still have a long way to go to learn about them, but from what Ro showed me and exposed me to, they are a talented ass group that although get so much love, needs to be recognized for their productions behind the scene. Hah, BTS…
Anyway, if you don’t know who BTS are, they are a 7-member group under BigHit Entertainment that debuted… I believe back in 2013? Do not come for me, Army. They gain international success a couple of years ago and have been the most known Kpop group in westernized countries. So these 7 members are RM, Jin, Suga, J-Hope, Jimin, V and Jungkook. They also carry such family energy that makes it hard to not like them. After a couple of research videos and performance videos, I’m definitely also double-biasing. First of all, J-Hope is such a fucking cutie like, his personality is so 4D and he’s completely the most chaotic one in the group. He’s one of the rappers in the group, but like his dancing is what got me; it’s incredibly clean and so animated like, wow, we stan talent. Also, Jimin and his pretty ass vocals wrecked me; it’s funny because Victon’s Sejun is a huge BTS fan and he has a bias just like the rest of us and his bias is Jimin so like, talent stanning talent; we love. But yeah, gimme a couple of weeks to fall head over heels for BTS, like I already brewing inside my Kpop heart already.
3.) A.C.E.
I adore ACE for so many different reasons, let’s be real. They are a very different type of Kpop group; they aren’t your typical “we just do cute and sexy concepts” type of boy group, they are very different in their styling and aren’t afraid to come off as too feminine, especially Byeongkwan: our crop top king! So ACE is a 5-member group under Beat Interactive and they debuted back in 2017! Their names are Jun, Donghun, Wow, Byeongkwan, and Chan. When listening to their earlier stuff, it’s definitely so unexpected like if any group knows how to switch up genres, it’s them for sure. What i like about this group is that they all are some serious all-rounders; they all can dance insanely well and their vocals… like, stan a group where every member in the group can hold the main vocalist position. I definitely have to do some more research on them, but like I’m already so in love with them and their vocals so I’m excited to get into them a little more!
That’s it for now! I know for this month there’s going to be a ton of favorites because, well, so many comebacks and albums are coming and like, we are living for it. Until then!
Last week, I showed you guys the list of songs that Ella, I, and her friends made of our Top 30 Kpop Summer songs. Great news! The video is out!
You can definitely tell how much of a girl group listener I am because the amount of girl groups I included on my list compared to the others is quite funny! And if not, there’s some Victon in here as well.
Again, a big shoutout to Ella for inviting me to joining her project with her friends! It was extremely fun to do and watch and of course, I love that the icon for me is Seungsik!
How has everyone’s summer going? Is everyone back to work yet or are seeking jobs or just enjoying the summer weather? I don’t know about you, but these last couple of months sorta just flew by? How is it already August, you guys!
Anyway, I feel like I haven’t gave a legit life update in a really long time – so I guess I can use this lovely Sunday to just give you guys a life update!
For starters, I am restarting the bariatrics program again due to COVID-19 literally just stopping everyone’s life and because I wasn’t able to stay on track as much as I can now that I’m able to physically go to appointments and get the clearances I need for surgery. I’m technically done with weigh-ins, I’m just now getting all the testing done and clearances done for surgery and by early 2021, I will be undergoing it. It’s definitely a scary process, and it’s a process that I will have to prepare myself for once everything starts clearing, but it’s something I believe will benefit my way of living and my life in the long run.
I just recently got clearance from the psychologist in the program (which was my first ever guy psychologist and was so comforting to talk to!) and this week I’m seeing a nutritionist for the first time so hopefully things go well and I’m able to get some advice and guidance towards eating habits and living a better lifestyle!
In other news, I’ve been quite busy with my kpop collection! Back in June, I started to take collection more seriously and it’s pretty much complete excluding some that are impossible to find, but yeah! I’ve spent the majority of July on my trading account meeting new people (or moots) to share our love and interest for Victon and it’s just been an amazing journey to have, like internet friends? I think I’ll write a post more on that subject later in the month.
Lastly, I’ve been taking care of my mental health while I have this time to myself. A coping mechanism I had prior to the virus was my job; I was able to keep productive and social through my work and environment with my coworkers. Since I’ve been out of work, it’s been a bit difficult to stay out of my own head and “distract” myself from negative thoughts. I’ve just been trying to be gentle with myself and do things that make me happy! Lately its been my collection, the trading community, and even writing story scenes for the blog!
That’s pretty much it, nothing new or exciting! Just wanted to start off this first full week of Blogust with an update and to say that I’m so excited to give you guys new content for the month of August!
Also, welcome to the start of Blogust! If you’re new here for are just wondering what the hell is Blogust, it’s when I post new content on the blog for the entire month of August! It has been a tradition since 2018, and now it’s time for us to enter 2020’s Blogust! Every year, I do this thing where I introduce myself to the those who may be new to the blog, and since last year’s introduction, we have a lot of new faces here on LFL today!
So, hey! My name is Liz!
I’m a 26-year-old white-Hispanic woman living in NYC spending her days working at a college bookstore and spending her nights writing for the blog or sharing way too many things on social media! Being 26 thus far has been a journey for me; we’ve done some exciting things at the beginning of the year, we were quarantined for 3 months of the year, and now we are just living the rest of 26 chilling and taking things one day at a time. I have to admit, 26 has been treating me really good, and it’s scary to think that next year’s Blogust introduction I’ll be 27, but like I said, we’re just doing things at our own pace and this is where I’m at at this point of life and I’m quite happy about it.
I’m a demiromantic. Late last year, I spoke about my romantic attraction not being completely black and white as I thought; instead it’s a bit gray. Demiromanticism is a part of the asexual spectrum where you don’t feel romantic attraction unless you have a deep, emotional connection with the other person. In some cases, that means that you gain romantic interest in even some of your closest friends. For me, it meant that I gain romantic attraction to my friends; guys, girls, non-binary, straight, gay, whatever. I realized this when I started to realize that a lot of the “crushes” I had on in my past (and the reason why it was so hard for me to separate romantic partnerships and friendships) were because that line was always blurred. For the last year, I’ve been learning to embrace this newfound information and live my life according to it. After being linked with someone for the last decade, I realized that i was evolving and the way I was attracted to people was changing. So here I am, falling for those closest to me, but I will not have sex with you.
Within the last year, I’ve really embraced the fact that I’m a hardcore Kpop fan and, well, the content on my blog can speak to that as well. I was always ashamed for liking something so different than from the crowd of people I was around, so a lot of my KPop-ness was hidden behind closed doors, in the comfort of my home, by myself. After getting more into it as the year passed and the more I got comfortable with myself and my identity, I am now all in the Kpop game. I collect albums of my ultimate favorite groups, I have an actual photocard collection, and my side of my room is dressed up in Kpop goodies. It’s just an interest of mine that I really enjoy having and during the roughest times of my life within the last year, Kpop has been an instant mood booster. My ultimate favorite group is Victon (duh), while some of other favorite groups include ITZY, X1, Twice, Cravity, IZ*ONE, BlackPink, and a lot more that I can’t think of at the top of my head.
Although this isn’t anything new on the blog, but I do have social anxiety disorder and major depression. I was first diagnosed with the disorders back in 2018 when I started therapy and started to experience some intense depressive episodes. It’s taken a couple of ups and downs to finally not allow it to affect me and dictate my life the way it once did, but I still live with it and have to manage it on the tougher days and such. My SAD still tells me some negative things like how no one wants to be my friend or are only my friend out of pity, and sometimes it makes me disappear out of people’s lives for no reason, but I’m still working on bettering those bad habits of my disorders. If we’re comparing how it was two years ago (even this time last year) to now, I would say I made a huge improvement and I’m glad that I did.
For the last year, I’ve been on a real hardcore journey to find my identity after sharing one with another person since I was a teenager. I’m not saying I was just this obedient person that didn’t have no interests or personality, I simply mean I never loved myself enough to prioritize my wants, needs, and feelings to actually have an identity... Alexa, play Victon’s 3rd Mini Album, “Identity”. Now that I’m taking care of myself, I realized that the things I feared before like being alone, liking the things I want, or just finding my way to happiness wasn’t as difficult as I thought it was going to be. Sure, it took a lot of distraction and poem writing and just living day-by-day to get me through the rough patches, but a year later and I’m here honestly stronger than ever and feeling more like myself than ever.
And that’s it for now! I hope you guys stick around for the journey that is Blogust! Here’s to a month full of new content!
A couple of weeks have passed since the incident at the hospital with Rosie. Both Rosie and Micah enter the apartment together; Micah is holding her hospital bag when they enter. When he closes the door behind him, he puts the bag on the ground near the door. Rosie doesn’t say a word; she tries to walk straight to her bedroom. Micah isn’t haven’t it.
Micah: Roe?
Rosie stops but doesn’t turn around to face Micah.
Rosie: I just want to relax, Micah.
Micah: We really need to talk before we continue doing whatever we are doing.
Rosie:*snappy* It can wait.
Micah: *pleading* Rosie, please.
Rosie turns around and sees how pale Micah’s face has become. She knows he’s been neglecting his basic needs just to be there by her side for the last couple of weeks. She doesn’t understand why someone would even do that for her. She doesn’t deserve it and yet here he is, exhausted as ever, still wanting to talk things out.
She walks over to the sofa and sits down. Micah takes in a deep breath and sits next to her. He faces her.
Micah: What happened that night?
Rosie is visibly uncomfortable. She stays silent.
Micah: Roe, I- I need to know. I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks because of it. I- *sighs* I need some closure, Roe.
Rosie:*nervously* Closure? Closure of what? Of me?
Micah rubs his eyes. Rosie starts to panic.
Rosie: You want me to leave, huh? You’re done with me? You’re tired of trying to save me and being there for me because I can’t give it to you back? Huh?!
Micah looks at Rosie; he’s worried and he doesn’t know where this whole thing is coming from.
Rosie:*spiraling* I don’t need your sympathy, Micah. I don’t need your constant patrolling and I certainly don’t need you to come to the rescue and fix me and find me and make everything go away! Because it’s not going to, Micah! I’m a fucked up person! I ran away and my parents didn’t hesitate when I asked to be emancipated. I lived on the streets, picked up dates for money, for food, for survival! My ex-boyfriend used to steal my money and still beat me up because it was never enough! I came to New York on a strangers money to get me through college and get a real job and to get my life together and what the fuck I do? I chose to live in an abandoned movie theater and still pick up dates for money and fuck my life up!
Rosie loses her breath and panics. Micah reaches for her hand and she pulls it back.
Rosie: Don’t fucking touch me! Don’t fucking do that Micah because I don’t fucking deserve it! I tried to fucking kill myself, Micah, kill myself! Because I don’t deserve anything in this world! I’m going to be a fucked up mother with a child who’s father is an abusive jerk, and that kid is gonna grow up to become just another fucked up Delgado in this world! I don’t deserve any of this!
Micah immediately pulls Rosie close and hugs her. She starts to sob so loudly, the echo surrounds the small living room. Micah rubs his hands in small circles on her back, trying to calm her down. She continues to cry everything she’s held in for weeks, possibly for years.
Micah: You’re the best fucking thing in this world, Roe.
Micah releases Rosie to take a good look at her. Her face is red, her eyes are puffy, and her face is wet from the tears.
Micah: Look at me.
Rosie looks up at Micah; this is the most vulnerable he’s ever seen her.
Micah: You deserve all the amazing things in this world. You’re fucking worth it. Yeah, we all make mistakes and bad choices in life, but ending your life is never the right way out. You know how many people care about you, Roe? Both Tanner and Daniella stayed at the hospital waiting for updates on you. Hudson must’ve drove 80 MPH to get here from Philly because he was one of the first people to see you. People love and care for you, Roe.
Micah’s thoughts scatter around the room. He needs to say it now that she’s awake.
Micah: I love you, Rosie.
Micah takes a tissue from the coffee table and wipes Rosie’s tears. She doesn’t move.
Rosie: You’re just saying that because you have to say it.
Micah: Well sure, you’re my best friend, it comes with the job description of being *cutesy voice* the bestest friend in the whole wide world.
Rosie smirks and Micah feels on top of the world he got her to do just the simplest thing.
Micah: But that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you any less, Roe.
Rosie: Well, thank you for dealing with me. I know I could be a handful and I know I don’t always show you my appreciation for the things you do for me, but I am grateful for you.
Micah looks at Rosie’s belly and he’s suddenly in a trance. How could he have fallen in love with someone he’s never even met yet?
Micah: You’ve given me the most wonderful thing in the world…
Rosie looks at Micah, she knows that he’s staring at her belly. Her face gets hot. Micah looks back up and snaps out of the thought, and brings his attention to Rosie again.
Rosie: Dani told me you caused a scene at the hospital with that dickhead. I don’t know why he even showed up at the hospital.
Micah: Because guys like him strive for power. Probably wanted to see the damage he’s done.
Rosie’s face drops and she’s suddenly in thought. Micah notices and he successfully touches her hand.
Micah: Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. He was saying horrible things about our daughter and it just really got to me.
Rosie:*questioning* Our daughter?
Micah: I-uh, your daughter. Sorry.
Rosie:*smiles* Our daughter.
Micah’s eyes light up and the most grinning smile lands on his face.
Rosie: If anyone’s gonna be a great parent to her, it’s gonna be you. I mean, you already love this little bean and she’s not even here and she’s not even–
She stops before she continues. Micah already knows what’s gonna be said, but makes sure Rosie doesn’t read into it.
Rosie: Despite the circumstances, she’s lucky she’s gonna have you in her life.
Micah: I mean, what can I say? I’m amazing.
Micah laughs and Rosie shoves Micah on the shoulder. Micah gets up from the sofa to get some water for Rosie, but he stops in his tracks when Rosie speaks.
Rosie: I heard what you said that day in the hospital.
Micah: *turns around* Heard what?
Rosie: What you said. And I just want to say that I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about anyone besides myself that night. You could’ve lost us both, and I’m sorry I could’ve been the reason why.
Micah takes a long look at Rosie. He remembers that night at the hospital when he confessed his love to her. He wonders if she heard that as well.
Micah: You’re here now. That’s all that matters.
He turns around and continues to go towards the kitchen, until–
Rosie: Do you still love me?
Micah’s eyes widen and his heart is pounding. She heard everything. Micah turns around and faces Rosie. He never knew this day would happen like this; him halfway towards the kitchen and Rosie with snot-filled tissues surrounding her on the sofa. Despite the arrangement, he takes in the moment for what it is. It’s time to be honest.
Micah: Always have, always will, Roe.
He walks over to her to face her again.
Micah:First and foremost, you’re my best friend, and I would never want to jeopardize that, y’know? But… there’s always been something more with you. I want to protect you, take care of you, go through this whole journey with you; does that sound weird? I don’t know, I just started to feel these things and it just made me realize that I’d do anything for you. And I know you don’t let people get too close to you and I just didn’t want to ruin things and–
Rosie:*laughs* Hey, Micah?
Micah: Huh?
Rosie leans forwards and softly kisses Micah. It’s an innocent, reassuring kiss.
Rosie: Shut up, will ya?
Micah smiles and grabs Rosie’s face and kisses her again, this time it’s deeper. It’s a yearning, a long wait for this moment, and Rosie sinks in. It gets passionate, and they both know where this could go.
Rosie: Hey, hey, easy there, tiger.
Micah tries to catch his breath as he stares at Rosie. He’s in her hands.
Micah: Do you love me too?
Rosie is taken back by the sudden question. She realizes that she hasn’t said it back to Micah, and it has her wondering: does she love him more than a friend? She knows she loves him as a person; he’s the only person that truly understands her and makes her happy. They’ve been through the roughest parts and the greatest parts of life and somehow it got them to this moment, just inches away from each other.
She thinks about all the people that ever told her that they loved her: her parents, her guardian Weston, her junkie ex-boyfriend from Philly, and now Micah Kamalani. Nobody ever looked at her the way Micah looked at her while saying the words “I love you”. The way he said it and the way he looked while saying it was so foreign to her, but it made her feel something different than the other times she’s heard it from people. Perhaps she felt different this time because she feels the same way. Perhaps she’s in love with Micah Kamalani.
Rosie: I do. It’s always been you. *recognition* I wasted all this time in other guys and running away and deep down it’s always been–
Micah forcefully kisses Rosie, and Rosie immediately kisses him back. This time, the feelings mutual, and they start making out on the sofa. Every now and then, Rosie lets out tiny moans, which drives Micah crazy. He breaks up the kiss, gets up from the sofa, and takes Rosie’s hand.
Micah: Come.
Rosie nervously gets up from the sofa and follows Micah to his bedroom. Before they enter, he turns around and looks at Rosie. Her flushed, pink skin makes her brown freckles pop out more and her red lips so bright from the kissing. She’s fucking beautiful.
Micah: You sure you wanna do this? We could always take things slow.
Rosie puts her arms around Micah’s neck and stares at him.
Rosie: We were never conventional, Mic.
Micah smiles and pushes the door open behind him. He grabs Rosie by the hand and leads her into the bedroom.
Letters From Liz. 