Y’all, it’s been one year since I started my job at the bookstore! It’s my job anniversary! I know many people will look at this and say, “uhm, okay, and?” but this is a really big deal for me! This is my first ever job and to have been at it for a whole year, the feeling is bittersweet. I still remember my first day really vividly; I walked into the college bookstore, literally it was like 95 degrees and humid, and I see two people behind the register and my manager. I just walked in and quietly said, “hi, i’m Liz and I’m here for the training?” and while I stood near the counter while my manager was taking care of one task, a guy comes in and stands next to me. I don’t know why I instantly was on this “make friends and talk to people” kick, but it just so happened that he was there for the training as well! As the day went on and we worked our official first day in the hot ass weather, I got to meet some other people who had started working there prior to me and the rest of the newcomers that day, but it was a good first day; tiring, but good!
As the months went on, I realize that the customer service position was testing my social anxiety and willingness to do my job well. I had to answer phone calls, I dealt with customers both nice and mean, and just dealing with any conflicts at hand I had to deal with them without allowing my anxiety shut me down. Of course, I had a good support system with my coworkers and my managers and if anything happened, we always had each other’s back. Working at the register for 7 hours a day with someone else downstairs with me, I got to know all of my coworkers as people rather than just coworkers. They instantly became my friends, and to even sit here and say “hi, yeah – a bitch has FRIENDS Y’ALL”, it’s definitely crazy that I did it.
My job also made me become more confident in talking to people, I mean I wouldn’t be able to do it well if I didn’t know how to talk to people. Over the course of a year, I’ve been able to comfortably to have conversations with customers that come in and out of the store to the point where I was able to make a friend from one of the regulars! It’s definitely been an experience from being terribly shy and anxious to talk to strangers to be confident enough to start a conversation of some sorts. In some way, it was the one thing that was missing in my life; having friends and confidence in myself to the point where I could be social with other people. In my sessions with my therapist, I realized that I actually like being social despite having SAD. I’m the happiest when I’m talking to other people, whether that be my coworkers or to customers in the store.
Lastly, my bookstore job helped me get through a lot of depressing shit I was going through this time last year. At the beginning, it was difficult balancing my work life and my personal life because they were on two polar opposites on the emotions spectrum. My work life I was meant to keep this happy and welcoming personality whereas when I came home, I was still grieving over my breakup. Being at work for most of the day created a great distraction, and in the process I made some really good friends that I say this all the time but truly saved my life during that difficult time. I couldn’t imagine going through the grieving process without them making me smile and laugh and without them knowing just being there for me.
Although the pandemic affected my normal routine of going into work and being productive, I still very much enjoy being at the bookstore. It’s a great first job to have, and I definitely lucked out. Although I don’t see myself being at the bookstore forever, I like being there for the time being & transitioning back into that life wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be.
So yeah, my first year at the bookstore treated me really well, and I’m glad to see what the next couple of months bring me! Happy workaversary to me!
A young, somewhat-couple; a man with his dreadlocks tied up in a ponytail in a black Parka, and a woman with curly brown hair blowing in the wind in a navy blue pea coat. The man, Micah, is carrying a overnight bag while the woman, Rosie, is rolling her bag on its wheels. The wind is crisp and cold, and Rosie’s face is pink from the brisk air.
They turn the corner and walk towards a house down the block. Rosie looks at the house in front of her; it’s somewhat nostalgic for her to be back. Micah, on the other hand, wears worry on his face. It’s his first time being in Philadelphia meeting one of the most important people in Rosie’s life: her mentor.
Rosie: It’s so trippy to be back here.
Micah looks at Rosie. He instantly calms down. She somehow looks even more beautiful in the cold weather.
Micah: Are you nervous to be back?
Rosie: I mean, I try to avoid Philly at all costs… just reminds me of too much.
Micah ponders Rosie’s words. He knows how rough Rosie had it when she lived in Philly; if anything, she knows these streets better than anyone in this neighborhood. Rosie was a runaway teen; she was rebellious and lived on the streets with other teens her age. She followed the wrong crowd, had a boyfriend that pimped her out for money, and he was abusive to the point she had to secretly contact the police in order to get away from him. Her mentor, a detective from the Philly Police Department, took her in as his own after losing his own daughter at a young age due to a kidnapping. Since then, Rosie sees him more so of a parent than her actual, biological parents… that agreed to emancipation when she turned 18.
Micah’s train of thought breaks when he hears Rosie’s voice.
Rosie: Are you ready to go in, or…?
Micah:*back to reality* Yeah, let’s go in.
They walk up the front stairs and knock on the door. A man in this mid 40’s opens the door and sees Micah and Rosie standing there. He smiles.
The two young adults settle in on the sofa while the older man comes walking out with two mugs of hot chocolate.
Rosie: You didn’t have to go out of your way to do this, Hudson.
Hudson: Hey, it gets cold during these winters, and I know you guys have been traveling for hours!
Rosie: But you’ve never been the hot chocolate kind of guy; you’re getting soft on me?
Hudson laughs; Micah watches the interaction with Rosie and Hudson; he’s never seen Rosie look so… at home. Sure, her past haunts her in Philly, but she seems like whenever she talks to Hudson, she seems safe and comfortable. He’s happy Rosie has someone she can come to if she needs older, wiser advice.
Hudson: Not soft, just trying to quit coffee cold turkey.
Rosie: Ahhh, good. The way you would just gulp them down was… concerning.
Hudson sits in the lounge chair across from Rosie and Micah. He looks at Micah how a detective would look at a suspect; trying to read Micah and his motive for his actions. It leaves him mildly uncomfortable, but he’s here for Rosie.
Rosie:*changes subject* So, Hudson this is Micah; Micah, this is my mentor, Hudson.
Hudson:*coldly* Nice to meet you, son.
Micah: You too, Mr. Hudson. Rosie’s told me a lot about you.
Hudson: *jokingly* Probably all embarrassing things knowing Rosie.
Micah awkwardly laughs. This is just as bad as if he was being introduced to her actual parents.
Micah: So, what do you do for a living, Micah?
Micah:*fidgets with his fingers* I, uhm, do some sound board stuff for a graphic design company.
Hudson: Oh, an artsy friend; that sounds interesting!
Friend. Micah cringes at the word as soon as it’s said. Did Rosie not tell Hudson anything about him prior to this visit? The reason why he came along to this visit with her in the first place? Sure, they’re still friends but… not in the sense Hudson may believe.
Hudson takes a sip on his hot chocolate and places it on the table.
Hudson: As much as I love visits from you Rosie, I know there’s most likely a reason why you came, especially if you brought your friend along. *to Micah* Are you dating Rosie?
Rosie:*defensive* Gosh, no, Hudson!
Micah’s mouth tightens: ouch.
Rosie: Micah is my best friend… we’ve been best friends throughout most of college and I just wanted him to come and keep me company while I’m here.
Micah looks at Rosie confused. Hudson immediately laughs.
Hudson: Micah just gave you up, kid.
Rosie rolls her eyes at Micah. Doesn’t he know that Hudson literally reads people for a living?Rosie takes a deep breath in defeat.
Rosie: Okay, so I do have something to bring up since we’re on this topic…
Rosie immediately looks panicked, and Micah, without thinking twice, places his hand on Rosie’s lap to calm her down. She takes a deep breath.
Rosie: … I’m pregnant. Almost three months.
The room is silent for longer than they expected. Micah knows he’s playing the role of “father-to-be” to convince Hudson that this child is his and hers, and not from an asshole that used to abuse Rosie while dating her. Rosie mentioned that Hudson got involved and almost lost his job for arresting Prescott out of jurisdiction, and of course, Prescott’s family did everything they could to get Hudson locked up for “injustice”, even if Rosie had called him one night to pick her up after a huge fight with Prescott; a busted lip and a ton of bruises later. Micah is literally at a loss for words.
Later into the night…
Micah wakes up from the sofa bed and stretches his back out; Rosie is in her old room with her twin-size bed and he insisted she sleep on that instead of with him on the sofa bed. He gets up, now wide awake, and walks into the kitchen. He nearly jumps back when he sees Hudson sitting in the dim lighting, drinking coffee, reading that day’s newspaper.
Micah: I’m so sorry, Mr. Hudson, I was just–
Hudson: Micah, please; just called me Hudson.
He gestures to pull out the chair to sit next to him. Micah slowly walks and accepts the seat.
Hudson: Don’t tell Rosie that I’m drinking coffee; sometimes you just need it.
Micah: Yeah, of course.
As Hudson sips his coffee, he points the bag of cookies towards Micah, offering to take some. Micah accepts and grabs a cookie.
Hudson: So, you and Rosie, huh? Having a baby…
Micah:*nervous* Yeah…
Hudson: I have to be honest, I’d hope children would be something Rosie would have later in life, but I mean, things happen, and I’m happy for you both.
Micah: Thank you Mr– … Hudson.
Hudson:*jumps the gun* Are you guys living together? Dating? Providing for her? I mean, I like you son and you seem like a good kid but… listen, I know Rosie–
Micah:*defensive* With all due respect, I really acre about Rosie and before anything else, she’s my best friend. Sure we started dating and did things unconventional but… I really do care about her and I will do anything for her and h– our baby.
Micah hopes that Hudson buys the story, but then again… it felt so natural for him to talk about Rosie the way he did. It’s no doubt in his mind that he loves her and will care for her and her baby no matter what.
Hudson intently looks at Micah, and he takes in a deep breath.
Hudson: This isn’t my place to tell you Rosie’s story, but… all I will say is that she’s had a rough past and… well, Rosie came into my life during a time I didn’t have much to live for. My daughter, she was kidnapped when she was a child and… *deep breath* Rosie gave me a second chance to be a father figure to someone. She may not believe it but… she saved my life, and I would do anything for her because of it. I apologize if I come off too strong, I just… care for her like a daughter.
Micah takes in his words; he’s glad that Rosie was able to bring life and joy into someone’s life the same way she did for him. It makes him just fall more in love with Rosie and pretending to be her boyfriend isn’t so hard after all. He even blurts out something he hasn’t mentioned to anyone yet, not even to himself.
Micah: I am in love with Roe– Rosie, and I’d also do anything for her.
Micah swallows hard; shit. He just admitted to the most important person in Rosie’s life that he’s in love with her. He’s looking for an reaction out of Hudson, but he can’t help the word vomit some more.
Micah: I– please don’t say anything to Roe, I haven’t said it to her yet and I don’t know what I was thinking and–
Hudson:*laughs* Your secret’s safe with me, kid. Thank you for loving her for who she truly is, a really awesome kid.
Micah smiles and eats a couple of more cookies. They both continue to talk some more, getting to know each other: man-to-man.
It’s a mild Spring day in NYC, and a girl in a floral dress and denim jacket on, long black hair in a ponytail, Summer, is in the study lounge. She has earbuds in her ears as she’s looking her a book on the bookshelf. She feels most at peace when she’s in the library of her college, looking through books she’s interested in reading, and sits at a table with her music playing in her ears, waiting for her next class to start.
She sees a book on the top shelf but just before she reaches for it, her phone in her pocket starts to vibrate. She presses the answer button on her earbuds and instantly smiles after hearing who’s voice is on the other end; it’s the boy she’s been secretly crushing on named Evan. Summer doesn’t know how loud she’s giving directions to Evan to meet her at the library, but apparently someone else does: the person on the other side of the bookshelf. Her ex named Frankie.
He overhears the conversation Summer is having on the phone, but he shuts his friends up next to him to eavesdrop.
Friend #1: Man Frankie, just forget about that bitch, she probably talkin’ to one of her side guys sounding all giddy like that.
Frankie starts fuming. He doesn’t like the lack of control he has on Summer ever since they broke up a couple of months ago. A part of him doesn’t want her, but a part of him also doesn’t want anyone else to have her. He feels Summer slipping away from his fingers, and he does not like it.
He notices Summer’s conversation is over and hears the blasting of music coming from her earbuds. He decides to walk to the next aisle, the same one Summer is on.
With Summer’s favorite Kpop group blasting in her ears, she attempts to reach up for the book that is on the top shelf. She gets on her tippy toes in hopes she could reach it. She sees another hand reach for the book and grabs it. She sees who it is and she is startled. Frankie looks down at her and smiles.
Frankie: No need to be scared, Angel-cakes, just helping an old friend out.
Summer takes the book from Frankie.
Summer: Th-Thank you.
As she’s about to turn the other way, Frankie attempts to stop her.
Frankie: Whoa, whoa, hey there – slow it down, I’m not going to bite. Can we talk?
Summer looks at Frankie; she doesn’t know what his true intentions are, but she feels too scared to tell him to fuck off. She just stands there.
Frankie: Look, I’m sorry for everything that was said and done. Our relationship had its ups and downs, but I really did love you. You’ve helped me a lot back in high-school and when we came to college together, it was suppose to be me and you against the world. I’m sorry we couldn’t be that.
Frankie puts his hand out to handshake hers as a sign of compromise and forgiveness. Summer looks around her environment and then back at Frankie.
Summer: Is someone watching you or something? Are your dumb friends betting on if you can swoon me like we’re in high-school? Is this your community-service-do-a-good-deed mission? Because if not, then there’s no reason for you to be doing this right now.
Summer nervously tries to walk past Frankie, but he doesn’t allow her to.He looks down at her, and she looks up at him.
Summer: Let me go, Frankie.
Frankie: I’m standing here apologizing for my actions, Summer. Can you be a little more considerate?
Summer: Not to the biggest asshole on the planet.
Summer tries to nudge her way past Frankie, but he stands as tall and wide like a tree. She fights for control, and he’s clearly fighting back as well. He backs her into a wall and stares her down.
Frankie: *aggressively* I don’t care how big and tough you think you are, Summer, but I know that’s not who you are. You’re this little, scared and naive girl that thinks everyone round you likes you and isn’t looking for anything other than *in mocking voice* “friendship”.
Summer: Go fuck yourself.
Frankie gets even closer and begins to wrap around his arm around Summer; she’s visibly uncomfortable.
Frankie: I rather you instead.
His hand slowly goes up the back of Summer’s thigh and she pushes him off of him. She’s panicking and causing a scene in the library.
Frankie:*laughs* Yo it was a fucking joke, my God you aren’t a fun person anymore, angel-cakes.
Summer: *angrily*I swear to God that if you don’t leave me alone, I–
Frankie: You’ll do what? Run home and cry and spread lies about me? I hear what you say about me, Summer. How could I, in any shape or form, rape my own girlfriend?
Summer is now fully panicking. He knows she’s been openly speaking out about her experience with other survivors in a college support group. She’s now scared for her own life.
Frankie: Chloe’s friend told me.
Chloe: the girl in the support group who’snow dating Frankie now has a friend in the group where she felt the safest in. Summer secrets are now out to the last person she ever wanted to know them.
Before Summer completely shuts down from her surroundings, she hears a familiar voice. She hears the voice speaking in a different language, but she understands it, thanks to her mother who taught it to her at a young age.
Evan: 누나 괜찮아? (are you okay?)
Summer looks at Evan, who is standing behind Frankielooking at what’s happening. Thank God he’s here.
Frankie turns around and sees Evan.
Frankie: Man, get outta here – this isn’t any of your business.
Evan nonchalantly looks at Frankie, and then back at Summer.
Evan: 도움이 필요하세요? (do you need help?)
Summer looks at Evan, not knowing what he’s doing until she realizes the best way to get out of this situation is to secretly let him know what is happening.
Frankie is now looking at Evan, annoyed at his presence.
Frankie: Hello? Foreign exchange student? Mind your fucking business and get out of here, will ya?
Summer:*in a panic* 나는 편안하지 않다. 제발 도와주세요! (I am not comfortable, please help me!)
Frankie: *turns to face Summer* You know this Chinese bullshit too?! You’re talking shit or something?
Evan begins to worry about Summer’s safety and tries to get the attention on himself.
Evan: 자신의 크기를 선택하십시오! (pick on someone your own size!)
Frankie turns around, visibly even more annoyed at Evan. He tries to get rid of Evan once and for all.
Frankie: Yo, we are in America, learn some fucking English or go back to whatever Chinese place you come from!
Frankie then makes more racially charged stereotype noises to Evan. He stands there; straight-faced and unbothered.
Evan: Or else what, dumbass?
Frankie is taken back at the sudden language change, but even more so he’s fuming at the name calling.
Frankie: The fuck you just called me?
Evan: Oh, you didn’t understand the English? Let me try it in a different language: 백치. Burro. Or, in actual Chinese: 笨.
Frankie pushes Evan back, which comes him to stumble a bit. He quickly gets in defensive mode.
Frankie: I suggest you getting out of my fucking face and mind your damn business. Do I have to translate that with my fists?
Summer nervously watches with her back still on the wall that Frankie backed her in. She’s worried for Evan; he clearly doesn’t know that Frankie is strong enough to knock him to the ground, but Evan visibly doesn’t look bothered. Is he not bothered?
Evan just stares at Frankie; Summer has never seen Evan look this angry, yet put together in the couple of months she got to know him. Evan doesn’t move – he just stares at the person in front of him like they are the only two people in this room.
Evan: 계속해. (go ahead)
Summer immediately runs to the two boys to try to stop Frankie for beating Evan up. She forcefully tugs the back of Frankie’s shirt, which causes him to turn around and swing at Summer. She falls to the ground.Evan snaps out of his anger and looks down at Summer; he immediately rushes to her side, not minding Frankie any business.
Frankie:*cowardly leaves* Fuck this man, she’s not even worth getting in trouble for.
Frankie gets his bookbag from the floor and leaves the scene. Evan is feeling a wave of emotions: anger for Frankie not caring for hitting Summer, and worry for Summer’s condition. She’s out cold and her upper lip is cut open.He calls out for help, and a moment later, the study lounge security guard is standing over Even, wondering what happened while people stand around, spectating.
Sometime later…
Blurry vision. Summer’s first initial thoughts are that her vision is blurry, and the florescent lights above her are annoying. She groans in pain and squints her eyes.
Evan’s immediately turns to Summer after seeing and hearing her wake up from the bed. He gives her a smile of reassurance.
Evan: Hey, Summer. How are you feeling?
Summer:*in pain* Like I’ve been steam rolled…
Evan smirks at Summer’s sudden comparison. The smile gets serious almost immediately after.
Evan: I’m sorry I let this happen. Like, *deep exhale* it should’ve been me.
Summer: It’s fine; nothing that I never had happen before.
Evan is suddenly sullen. Who would ever want to hurt someone as small and precious as Summer? The girl with such a soft but gut-hitting laugh. The girl who’s always there for her friends even when she sometimes doesn’t get that same love back. The girl who’s company is his favorite ever.
He snaps out of the thought when the nurse is walking towards Summer and the bed she’s laying down on.
Nurse: Okay, so it’s just deep cut on the top if the lip, nothing that won’t heal in a couple of weeks; and your head; how does it feel?
Summer: I’m okay, I just have pounding headache.
Nurse:*takes note* No dizziness, no confusion, out of balance feeling?
Summer: No.
Nurse: I must say, Summer, this is the first time I’m seeing you in a long time… I thought everything was now okay.
Evan is focused in the conversation, turning his head to the person who is speaking at each given moment. He doesn’t understand the dynamic between them but Summer and the nurse seem… acquainted.
She turns her head and looks at Evan.
Evan: What happened, sir?
Before Evan can even begin the conversation, Summer chimes in.
Summer: I was in the library trying to reach a book on the shelf. I told Evan not the worry that I’ll get it because he had his hands full. I slipped off the shelf and banged my head really hard on the shelves.
Evan is puzzled; he doesn’t understand why she’d lie about the incident. Is she covering him up? Is she still afraid of Frankie?
The nurse looks at Summer intently.
Nurse: *turns to Evan* You’d tell me if she’s lying, right?
Evan:*without thinking* Yeah, she’s telling the truth though. She sorta hates when I make her feel small, y’know? She wanted to prove that she can reach it which she didn’t need to.
The nurse smiles, she seems a little bit more at ease.
Nurse: Well, I’m glad it was an accident and not intentional this time. You can stay here as long as you like, you know the drill.
The nurse walks away with her notepad and goes into her office in the little room next to the bed.Evan looks at Summer in confusion.
Evan: *whispers* Why didn’t you tell her what really happened? What did she mean by intentional?
Summer: Nothing, it’s… nothing.
They both stay silent for a moment. Evan ponders the thought and then it suddenly hits him: this isn’t her first time being in this nurse’s office with bruises this bad. She’s been in here because of Frankie when they were dating. He’s suddenly angry, frustrated, but sad. Sad that Summer went through years of not feeling worthy enough for happiness, sad that she is so familiar being in this nurse’s office, sad that she has to lie about how she feels because she’s scared for anyone knowing the complete truth.
He gets up from his seat and hugs Summer.
Summer is taken back by the sudden hug. She instantly hugs him back; comfortable and safe. She doesn’t know how she’s gotten so comfortable with Evan, but he always felt like she could always hide in his presence whenever life gets too rough to handle in the moment.
This is that moment, and he knows it is, so he keeps her in his arms.
I feel like normal people in our society have falling outs with the closest people in their lives because they simply grow out of those people; no trauma, no hard feelings, and still have love for each other form afar. Maybe they rekindle in the future, maybe not, but they have the space and opportunity to because their initial falling out wasn’t… malicious.
Almost every close relationship I had in my life ended maliciously and left some trauma behind. Almost every single one.
Hi, my name is Liz and I’m afraid of having close relationships in my life because of the downfall of most of then
I had this thought after having some resurfacing trauma occurring during the end of last month. I’ve had someone in my past reach out to me to offer their apologies to me and I feel like normal people would’ve handled it as “just another message”. Me; I couldn’t breathe. I felt everything come back up like vomit. The memories, the version of myself I left behind, and the anger and resentment I still feel. It all came back, and quite frankly – it set me back a bit.
A message shouldn’t leave me shook like that, and many of these messages from people in my past have left me in the same headspace.
It just made me think: is it me? Why do all my close relationships end in such tragic and negative ways? Why do they have to end with both of us having to deal with some trauma or something? Again, is it me that’s the problem?
At this point, I’ve made some awesome friendships and many of them are getting closer the more we talk; IRL or within the trading community. As excited of allowing these people into my life after not being able to do so with anyone for awhile, it still scares me that I somehow may fuck things up. I might do or say something they’ll hate and never speak to me again or we might just secretly hate me and I just shut down and run away and disappear from people’s lives which yes, that part is my fault, I shouldn’t do that.
I don’t mean to play the victim in this narrative; I know when I’m a part of the problem and I know I’ve caused these same people some level of trauma or anxiety as well. I am not perfect, and I’m trying to tell myself that it’s okay not to be and that I can hurt people too. I take accountability for the things I’ve done, the insecurities I created in other people, and for the things I said out of anger or because I didn’t know how to behave in past situations.
And maybe my past behavior is what causes these close relationships to end so horribly.
But I also know I’m a good friend. I will love you to the moon and back, I will most likely put you even ahead of my romantic relationships because, well, I have a hard time differentiating the twobesides one of them involves sexual intimacy which isn’t what I even do anymore.
My point being is that I value the relationships in my life because I don’t have many to begin with. But, even the closest relationships have ups and downs. People have arguments and they make mistakes, but why does it seem like mine never seem that way? Mine are always threatened to end or are hateful; maybe it’s the way I see them?
I honestly don’t know. I just know that because of my past relationships with people, I am afraid to let anyone, romantic and friend, too close because I’m afraid they’ll end all in the same way as they did in the past.
But maybe this new chapter of life I’m on, the one making healthier decisions and reflecting on my behavior and being more self-awareness that maybe this time around my relationships will people will be a lot more healthier. Maybe the version of myself before just couldn’t speak up and handle things cordially, so I just disappeared whenever things got bad. Maybe these relationships in my life finally feel like I’m able to be myself and comfortable to the point that I don’t feel the need to silence myself if conflicts happen.
In this moment in time, I’m so grateful for the relationships I am building because I’m the happiest when I’m being social around people. For someone who deals with social anxiety disorder, it’s definitely weird that one of the things that make me the happiest is being social with other people.
So I hope that I am willing to be more accepting and open to develop close relationships again. I hope I am able to not be afraid of getting close to new people and to not let the judgement of past self dictate my decisions in the present. I’ll work on it, and I hope that this fear doesn’t stay for too long; I’ve met some amazing people in the course of a couple of months.
Micah is walking down the street; the daylight emphasizes the purple and green colors of the bruise on Micah’s face from the fight back at the bookstore.
He walks to a door of an apartment complex and knocks on it. A girl with dirty blonde wavy hair opens the door, Kalia. She instantly looks at the bruise on Micah’s face and gasps.
Kalia: Oh my god, Micah! What happened?
Micah doesn’t answer her, he just walks into the apartment. Kalia closes the door and follows behind him.
Kalia: Hello? Earth to Micah?
Micah:*irritated* Nothing, Kal, I just got into a fight. That’s all.
Kalia runs to the freezer and grabs an ice pack out; she hands it to Micah and he accepts it.
Kalia: Yeah, I figured that much out. What did you do, Micah?
Micah:*angrily* Oh, so you automatically think it’s my fault?
Kalia:*defensive* I don’t know, you do get yourself in trouble a lot these days…
Micah doesn’t say anything. Kalia continues to look at him, waiting for an answer.
Micah:*sighs* I got into a fight with Prescott, Roe’s… *air quotes* boyfriend.
Kalia:*confused* Why did you get into a fight with her boyfriend for?
Micah: Because he’s a dickhead.
Kalia:*concerned* That doesn’t give you the right to start a fight with him, Micah, I- *realizes something* Did you walk here looking like that?!
Micah: No, we fought right before you answered the door. *annoyed* Of course I did; why?
Kalia does to the window near the front door and looks outside. She whispers “fuck” and closes the curtain.
Kalia: Didn’t you see the paparazzi parked across the street from the building?!
Micah: No?
Kalia:*frustrated* Micah! You know you showing up here looking like that is just going to create bad publicity for us! “Kalia’s beau shows up to her house beaten up! Is Hollywood’s next big thing chasing bad boys?”
Micah is in disbelief. He came to Kalia to feel some comfort after getting hit in the face by a jackass not too long before. He just wanted to feel some peace with his girlfriend. Micah has realized that the Kalia that he first fell in love with back in high-school isn’t the same Kalia that left to start her acting career in Sweden with her father and stepmother and is now back for some U.S. roles at 23-years-old.
Micah: I’m sorry that all I wanted to do is to see my girlfriend and forget about the bullshit that happened.
Kalia: *not catching the sarcasm* I’m just saying that you should’ve at least called me at first. You could’ve came in from the backyard or something.
Micah shakes his head and gets up from the sofa. He puts the ice pack on the kitchen island.
Kalia: You’re leaving?
Micah:*annoyed* Yes, Kal. I’m going home. I should’ve just went home in the first place…
Kalia: Wait, you’re mat at me for something stupid and reckless that you did?
Micah wants to shout out the reason he fought Prescott to her so that Kalia would just shut up and feel bad for blaming this on him. He doesn’t; Kalia doesn’t need to know that Prescott and Rosie’s relationship is abusive. He just looks at her, getting angry.
Micah: I’m mad because you care about your image more than me, Kalia.
Kalia:*dismissive* Stop it Micah, that’s not even remotely true.
Micah: Oh just stop with the condescending bullshit already.
Kalia is taken back by Micah’s attitude; she’s noticed that Micah isn’t the sweet, chill guy he was back in high-school. Something changed in him and she doesn’t like it.
Kalia: I swear you because meaner and more aggressive the more I see you. What the hell happened to you? It’s like ever since you met Rosie, you’ve done nothing but get yourself in trouble!
Micah turns around and looks at Kalia. If there’s one thing he knows about himself is that he explodes whenever someone talks badly about Rosie; his family, his friends at the beginning of their friendship, and now the girl he thought he saw himself with for the rest of his life.
Micah: First of all, Kalia, you don’t know her. You don’t know a goddamn thing about Roe and I swear to God you have no fucking right to talk badly about her! Do you understand?!
Kalia:*disgustingly* Do you hear yourself?! You’re defending her, over me, your girlfriend? How backwards does that sound, Micah? I don’t have to know that skank to know she’s the reason you’re like this!
She went there and the reflex comes in. He walks over to Kalia and backs her into a wall.
Micah: I guess I didn’t make myself clear the first time. *aggressively* You have no fucking right to talk bad about Rosie because you don’t fucking know her. So if I ever hear you call her any type of name ever again, there are going to be problems because quite frankly, she treats me like an actual fucking human being, unlike you.
Kalia:*yells* Get out!
Micah:*yells* Gladly!
Micah turns around and walks towards the front door; Kalia angrily yells at Micah.
Kalia: We are through, Micah! You hear me! THROUGH!
Micah slams the front door shut. He begins to see flashing lights of a camera from across the street. Micah shamefully hides his face and runs away from the complex. So much for a summer-fill of being with Kalia.
I wanted to do something different for the blog! At first, I was thinking of just writing my thoughts and opinions on being a collector in the Kpop community, but then I thought: why not let the collecting/trading community ask me things they will like to know? So one night over the weekend, I asked people on my trading and collection accounts to ask me questions and, well, there’s a lot of interesting ones!
So without further ado, hi, I’m Liz and I’m a Kpop collector!
ktrades_cr (Cameron) asked: Where do you find your Victon non-album photocards and how do you know it’s for a good/decent price?
So for those who may not know: a non-album photocard is an official photocard that are not from their albums; they are typically from special events, merchandise, music show broadcasts, pre-order benefits, etc.
At first, it was really hard to find non-album PCs for Victon because I didn’t have the resources to find them. I say your moots (or mutuals) are your best way to score non-album PCs for any group that you may be collecting! My moot and friend, Amy, helps me find a lot of the rarer non-album PCs through sellers directly from South Korea. Many collectors have overseas connections so if you have a friend that can help you reach out to them for rarer photocards, I suggest doing that because it brings me to by next answer about pricing…
Pricing for PCs are insane these days, and if people are selling in-print album PCs for an absurd amount of money, people will do the same (if not worse) for non-album PCs because in most cases, non-album PCs are harder to find and not always available for immediate purchase. Sellers from the United States will sell a Seungwoo non-album PC for $50, but Korean sellers (directly) will sell them at a reasonable price just because of how frequent and available those cards are to obtain.
I say non-album PCs should not be more than $30 unless it’s a PC that is extremely rare and hard to find. Music show broadcast PCs should go for a little more just because they are only given out to people who attend these music shows during a groups’ promotion, so they have more of a rarity. It’s all about hearing from other moots and their buying experiences to see what price range works best for you.
hansetrades (Amy, my IG child) asked a couple of questions! She first asked: Any goals for my collection?
More space. I envy those who have, like, a real bookshelf for their albums and collection! So I guess for right now, my goals for my collection is to think smarter about it. When I started collecting, I started to buy albums that I thought I liked but I think I was just really in the moment of those releases, so there’s a couple of albums I might get rid of because I don’t like them being on my shelf! But I definitely would like to also finish my Seungsik collection to its entirety, I know some PCs are going to be harder to find than others, but honestly I’m even shocked that I made it this far into my Victon and Seungsik collections.
Amy also asked: How do you feel about your collection?
Oof. The deep question. Being a collector, I’ve realized there’s been many ups and downs. For starters, the great part about collecting is that it’s a hobby and something you look at and be proud of. I’ve always been an album collector (CDs in jewel cases) when I was younger and I guess it just transitioned into Kpop albums, but it’s been a really fun journey to have a collection and be so far into it.
But, my collection also can be a cause of my anxiety. I say that because although collection isn’t a competition and there’s no race to who collects the fastest, many collectors do run on that mentality and it always freaks me out if I’m trying to find a rarer PC that I might miss out on it because someone snagged it before I did. I’ve been on both sides of that scenario where I was lucky to find PCs and claim them before anyone else, and vice versa. But, I also am an adult with responsibilities so I know my collection will slow down for the time being, but – I don’t regret it. Should I have put all my money into a savings account for a rainy day? Sure, but I didn’t and I’m okay with that because I used it for something that has brought me an immense amount of joy.
My girl Amy coming in with the heavy hitters! She asked: What did you expect when you joined the trading community?
I expected to actually be kicked out of it because of my age. I am 26, and I always felt some shame behind me being so into Kpop and wanting to collect albums and PCs, so when my moot and friend, Ella, convinced me to open a trading account, I was skeptical at first because then it required me to expose that hidden fact about myself. I thought I was going to leave after awhile because I absolutely hate new things, and at first this account stressed me out. It’s been the complete opposite; I feel more accepted into this community more than anywhere, and I’ve made some amazing friendships because I joined the trading community.
The one thing about the trading community that I didn’t expect is that where there is a community, there will be some sort of drama. I try my hardest to stay out of any drama, whether that’s exposing people as scammers or time-wasters or just getting into arguments; I am more of the listener and occasional advice-giver! Just like any type of community, I know not everyone will like me for me or not connect with my energy and that’s cool; as long as we can keep things professional and just trade or sell for any given circumstance then that’s all that matters. But, you have to do whats comfortable for you at the end of the day and you have control what you want on your account or not.
Amy asked: Worst experience with a trade or a sale?
Juicy! I haven’t had many bad experiences with trades or sales; the only ones that come to mine are just the type of trade or sell accounts that kept things… very professional. I mean don’t get me wrong, the trading community is like a business so I know some people like to keep things professional and stoic, but with my own personal anxiety, I always feel the most comfortable when the person I’m trading or selling to is nice and excited for the transaction. I’m very grateful that most of my transactions with people have been smooth but I know I’ll get a bad experience sooner or later; it’s inevitable.
Amy & Mallory both asked: What’s your favorite/least favorite thing about collecting?
My least favorite thing about collecting is the judgment people have about people and the amount of love they have for a group based on their collection and priorities of collecting them. People have these assumptions about people’s true intentions in liking a group based on how their collection of them looks like: if someone only collects the most popular member of a group, then that person is deemed “not a true fan of the entire group”. If someone collects all members of a group, that means they “stan” that group more than those who only collect their biases. For example, I learned that moving forward, I will not be hardcore collecting Seungyoun’s PCs anymore because they are stressful and not fun to collect and find and the prices are expensive due to his popularity. Just because I’m stopping my collection for him, it doesn’t mean I like him any less than the person who decides. Collecting is all about preferences and priorities, not about who can collect the most and the fastest.
But, my favorite thing about collecting is being able to finally obtain cards and things that I couldn’t do on my own. I believe I wouldn’t have finished Seungsik’s album PC collection if I didn’t have amazing friends in the community that always help me with my collection and vise versa. The friendships made are definitely my favorite part of the collection process.
Last question from Amy! She asked: Do you have any plans for your collection if the group(s) disband?
Such a great question! To be honest, I have no clue what my plans are for my collection if the groups I collect disband. I believe if groups that aren’t my ult groups disband, I feel like I would probably sell them because I wouldn’t have space to put cards or albums I haven’t touched in awhile and they probably at some point will be forgotten. Ult groups, oof I don’t even wanna think about the fact that one day in the very distant future, Victon will individually move on to other endeavors. I think I would keep them, in all honesty – I feel like my collection is more than just a collection, it’s a representation of the person I am now and to look back at it in the future when collecting isn’t a hobby of mine anymore, it would be nostalgic (night) as hell to just see the progress I’ve made.
jiutrades (Jaqui) asked: What inspired you to start collecting?
I started to secretly collect when I started to collect all albums of Victon’s earlier this year. With photocard pulls, I was lucky not to get any duplicates of members, so when I bought their 6th Mini Album, Continuous, I had pulled 6 out of 7 members throughout their discography. The one member I didn’t pull was Seungwoo, and well, I also really wanted Seungsik’s nostalgia (nostos ver.) PC because it was the absolute cutest so, yeah – I bought Seungwoo’s VNTW PC and Seungsik’s nostalgia PC and the rest is history.
Because I pretty much follow Kpop IG on my personal account, I was always intrigued about people and their collections and even if I wasn’t going to initially go hardcore in collecting, I wanted to at least have an album collection. Well, 25+ albums and 2 binders full of PCs later, and here we are: a hardcore collector.
sub2jae6 (CeCe) asked: If you could design an album, what would you do that hasn’t been done already?
Very interesting question! I don’t think there has been a single thing that hasn’t been done yet in the Kpop industry, but a concept and album I would love is an album that resembles a composition notebook and the photobook itself would be showcasing the process of making the album from the members in the form of journal entries. The pictures would be taken by the members, the lyric book would be hand-written by the members who work on that specific song (and mark it up like actual sheet music); I guess what I’m getting at is that I would love to see an album that was personal and made by the members for their fans.
jeonswonu (Sunshine) asked: Least favorite album based on packaging?
Oh my god, so the first album that came to mind was WayV’s recent album, Awaken the World only because of the paper opening thingymabob that accesses everything else, but because I don’t physically have those in my collection yet, I’ll have to say Victon’s 6th Mini Album, Continuous. Personally, I feel like they missed a great opportunity to put some amazing imagery on the cover, like, hear me out:
How sick would these photos been as album covers?! Also, I really wish they did different photobooks for each version because, I mean, three versions but the same photobooks is not cool. She was an iconic era, but I reach for my Continuous albums the least because of the packaging.
jjongtiny (Mallory) asked:Rarest official merch you own?
I’m surprisingly not that much of a merch collector! If I had to choose just a couple of things I consider to be more on the rarer side, I think Seungsik’s Kapsul Collective necklace is a little harder to find. It was a limited edition jewelry collection that I haven’t seen anyone reselling yet, and I don’t believe many people got it when it was first released. PC wise, I think the rarest set in my collection is a set that is on the way to me! It’s the “Welcome to Wonderland” Fanmeeting photocards. From what I recall, they are a really hard to find in the trading community and when they do pop up, a complete set of one member goes for $40 ~ $60.
Oh! Also broadcast PCs can be a little rare; some more than others! Some of the rarest broadcast related things are actually photos and postcards which aren’t that common to do for music shows anymore.
I think the rarest album I own is my all-member signed X1 album, only because as a group they disbanded and although there are signed copies out there, not all of them are all-member signed; only promotional ones are.
That’s it for this post! Thank you to everyone that sent me their questions and made this post so interesting and fun to write! If I get more questions from people, we’ll write a part 2 for this series!
This has been a summer of a lifetime for me, let’s just say that.
If I had to sum up my summer 2020 in one word, it would be KPop. I started my collection during this time, I’ve made some really great friendships in this community, and a ton of new music came out. My wallet was crying, y’all.
But the most exciting thing I was looking forward to was Victon’s Seungwoo and his solo debut! It was announced back in June that he was releasing his solo album in August and well, it came out yesterday and wow, I have some thoughts on this bad boy.
*Also note that the English translations for the titles written in Hangul could be inaccurate!
So, the album starts off with this banger, first of all. If you followed Seungwoo’s documentary-style series on the Victon YouTube channel, we were teased with the hook of this song during it’s lyric-making process. A common theme I sense in this song and in a lot of the other tracks was that want for need for comfort, which homie was not lying about when he said that this album is those who need comfort. “Fever”, in my opinion, felt like the second title track; I felt like this song could’ve been the more pop-style title track that I believe would’ve been okay as a title track, but I’m glad it’s not for reasons we will discuss in the next song! This is definitely a song I’ll have to listen to more and grow with, but for now – she’s a strong start to a highly anticipated album.
When I tell you this title track is possibly the strongest and well distributed songs on the album! “Sacrifice” is the title track that shows Seungwoo’s abilities to rap and sing and do it flawlessly in a track. People who were introduced to Seungwoo through X1 and PDX101 (like myself) didn’t get to see much of Seungwoo’s rapping skills, which is what he occasionally does in some Victon’s songs following Hanse, their main rapper. So lyrically in this song is about needing to give up something that you love, but ultimately it will always be a aprt of you… I suck at translations but that’s the gist of it, haha. This song has a nice balance of both the rap side of Seungwoo and vocal side because, oof the high note he hits at the end is deadly. Also, the rap part will forever be stuck in my head because it’s just so fucking catchy and good and UGH – this is such a strong title track, especially one that is considered a debut.
This song is the song you listen to in your car, driving down a street on a hot summer day with your shades on and top down. It’s typically a song not waiting to wait around for a reply but feeling uneasy about being alone, which I could be This has such a summer feel, and it instantly makes me smile. It also has a nostalgic sound, to both 2000’s R&B music and even to some earlier Victon music with some hip-hop flare to it. It’s definitely much the sound that Seungwoo would come out with, it’s classic Seungwoo and I think it was a good idea for him to have a on this debut to showcase that sound that we’ve been familiar with in a lot of his Soundcloud related songs.
If there was a genre (which there probably is) that was called “Kpop baby-making music”, this song would fall under that genre. This song is definitely my favorite b-side of the album. The beat instantly gave me some 2000’s R&B Usher vibes, and I mean it’s a hell of a sexy song. The lyrics mimic that whole sexy vibe that clearly is saying like… oof I’m hella feeling you and your vibe right now. If there’s one thing Seungwoo can do well, he does sexy extremely well and this song showcases that. To his breathy tone and his falsetto and the infamous moan-like singing he’s known for doing, this song will get you hella flustered. I know it did for me. I feel like Seungwoo really shines in this song and the chorus… first of all he opens the chorus with “baby, melt me in your arms” and then ends with “I just want love!” And his high notes like, what?! This song is just everything and a certified bop.
“forest” is the first slow/ballad-like song on the album; he teased that this song was meant for his fans that those who feel like they need comfort, he will provide that by being our forest, which is really beautiful. The lyrics (in the best translation possible at the moment) speaks directly to someone; a friend, a loved one – or in this case – his fans, and let’s them know that if they every feel lonely or need some comfort, he’s there to “be their forest”. I like the very chill melody behind this sing; it still carries a momentum like the other, upbeat songs have, but this song does carry this comfort and chill vibe that is even soothing at some points. Seungwoo has a very soothing voice, even when it’s in a higher pitch and falsetto-like. I really enjoy this song and I honestly think it’s a great song (in my opinion) that can help calm people down and ease their mind. It does for me.
I love the guitar playing in the track! It’s so simple with just Seungwoo’s vocal and the guitar playing; you can definitely tell there’s some influence behind this song to Dean’s “Instagram”. It mimics that energy, but is also so different in its own way. It also has a very similar sound to Seungyoun’s music, which I mean, I always believed that they had a very similar musical taste, but yeah! I really enjoy the calmness in this song as well! Lyrics wise, I can honestly relate when he still feels like a child in the world despite being an adult and like, honestly that’s a big mood.
As someone who’s followed his journey for a year now, I am immensely proud he got the opportunity to make his solo debut because he’s fucking talented and it needed its own album to showcase that. Seungwoo has been showcasing some of his skills behind the scenes for awhile now; he’s been helping write lyrics and rap verses for Victon songs ever since their debut in 2016 and this album proves that he’s able to do that for himself, and on his own. You can tell this project meant so much to him and it extraordinarily shows through the final product. Wooya, fighting (or Sacrifighting!)
Victon Members supporting their hyung: a whole vibe.
The sky outside is pink from the snow falling from the night sky. The halls are full of doctors passing through to different rooms, but it’s still considerably quiet in the hospital.
A woman in a beige wool coat and red curly hair wet from the falling snow, Jennifer, is standing front of a window looking into a room. She doesn’t move, she just stands there in awe of what it’s in front of her.
Moments later, a man in a black trench coat and dreadlocks, Milo, walks towards Jennifer. When he reaches her, he puts a hand on her shoulder. She looks back at Milo, first a little startled but once she realizes who it is, she’s relaxed. Milo smiles at Jennifer and stands next to her. He looks at the window into the room full of newborn babies. They instantly find the one named “Dahlia Kamalani”.
Milo: She’s really pretty.
Jennifer:*smiles* Very pretty.
Jennifer looks intently at the newborn baby.
Jennifer: Rosie told me that Micah named her.
Milo:*interested* Really? I didn’t think he would, considering the circumstances.
Jennifer: She said that she had been hearing Micah call her Dahlia for months. When she asked him how he came up with the name. He told her the story I used to read him when he was kid; “Dahlia the Duckling”. The story about the duckling that felt like she didn’t belong but in the end she embraces her differences and is still able to have the other animals in the lake love her for who she was, not how she looked. *nostalgic* God, he used to love that story.
Milo takes his arm and wraps it around Jennifer for comfort. She takes a deep breath to control her watery eyes.
Milo: Maybe he’ll read it to Dahlia when she gets a little older.
Jennifer smiles at the thought. Milo takes in a deep breath.
Milo: The more than Micah grows up, the more I see how much he takes after you.
Jennifer looks at Milo, wondering what he meant by that.
Jennifer: If you mean his rebellious teenage years when we constantly held our breath every time his school called, then I think we established that already.
Milo: I mean, you’re not wrong…
Jennifer nudges Milo, he laughs.
Milo: Although he got his rebellious nature from you, I think he got more than just that.
Jennifer: Like what?
Milo looks down at Jennifer, and then back into the nursery.
Milo: He took Dahlia in as his own, the same way you took Milo in.
Jennifer stands there in deep thought. She remembers when her and Milo were teenagers themselves, Milo just had his son, Milo Jr, and the unfortunate events of his girlfriend passing away put him in the toughest place possible. Jennifer remembers the tiredness and the complete defeat in his eyes when he showed up on her doorstep with Milo Jr in a carrier, a backpack, and a suitcase. Thankfully her family was understanding for taking in Milo when he needed the help the most, and something just instantly clicked with her and Milo Jr. She was never maternal, but the way she cared for Milo Jr and helped Milo take care of him made it feel like it was something she was always meant to do. She never wanted to replace Milo Jr’s mother, but she wanted to be a person in his life that he can go to when things got shaky or when his father was being too tough on him.
In a sense, she feels like she treats Micah, her first biological child, the same way Milo treated his firstborn: over-protective, a little disapproving at times, and worrisome. Jennifer is constantly worrying about the decisions Micah make or the things he does as he gets older. At first, she was completely against this idea that Micah will step in and help Rosie take care of her baby when it wasn’t even his to take care of. Seeing Micah become the man that he is today and not the little boy that clung onto her every time she took him to school, makes her proud but also sullen.
Jennifer: There was something about Milo that was easy to help care of. Of course, I did it because you were my best friend; I’d do anything for you.
Milo: I mean, Micah sees the same in Rosie, don’t you think? I mean, why else would our 24-year-old son take in a child that is not his if he didn’t see Rosie the way you saw me?
Jennifer looks at Milo, uneasy.
Jennifer: You think she loves him, Mi?
Milo is a little taken back from the question.
Milo: I don’t think that baby’s last name would be his if she didn’t, babe. But I know you already know that. You’re asking because he’s your firstborn, and you worry about him.
Jennifer:*noticeably relieved* I know I wasn’t like this with Milo, and I mean I worried about him at Micah’s age and everything, and I worry about the girls, but… Micah is just…
Milo: Micah is different, Pep. He always will be. He’s your first born, your rainbow baby. Practically your twin.
Jennifer: I know, I know but honestly… *looks at Milo* does this feeling ever go away?
Milo: Sadly, it doesn’t. Firstborns will be the reason parents will prematurely go gray. Don’t worry, when Dahlia grows up, Micah’s hair will be fully white by the time he’s in his mid-30’s… I’m surprised I’m not fully gray yet after the girls started to grow up.
Jennifer:*laughs* Reagan and Dylan just turned 18, Mi, they’ll give you something to go gray for.
Milo takes in a deep breath; he’s not ready to have that conversation.
Milo: I hope Micah knows what he’s getting himself into, but I know he wouldn’t do anything else different.
Both of their eyes meet the glass when they see Dahlia wake up from her sleep. She has the deepest honey brown eyes, and already a head of mousey brown curly hair. She looks exactly like Rosie; they could even be twins. Jennifer smiles at the cooing baby through the glass window. Milo hugs Jennifer.
Milo: Another grandchild to put on our list, babe… gosh, we are only turning 50 this year and we already have three grandchildren…
Jennifer laughs an authentic, hearty laugh, which still do this day makes Milo the happiest. They watch the nurse pick up Dahlia and rock her for a bit. There’s no denying the fact that they both already love Dahlia.
Letters From Liz. 