Something’s up.

I sit on the train to Gyeonggi, looking down at my phone. I haven’t heard from Grace for the past week; she’s either busy, too tired, or with little bean. I respect her space, but, she is my girlfriend, and I would love to actually talk with her.

I don’t like this feeling that something is just not being spoken about. I trust Grace, but perhaps I trust her too much. Would she actually hide something from me? That’s not like Grace. She’s never came across as being one of those women.

The last time I loved a woman, I was young and naive. I was so in love with her, and she knew that I did. So when she stopped talking to me out of the blue when I was in law school, I knew she made her mind up. She didn’t bother to break up with me, she just declared it when she stopped responding to me.

My phone vibrates in my hand; it’s Mina.

“yeoboseyo?” I answered.

“Jaemin-ah,” Mina said. “Are you close by? I’m close to the train station.”

“I should be there in 45 minutes, Nonna,” I responded. I looked out to the city turning into rural. The sun was surprisingly bright on this February day.

“Okay, see you soon!” Mina said and the phone went dead. I rested my head on the seat and shut my eyes. Jagiya, what’s going on with you?

…

I get off the train and walked towards the exit. I see Mina parked in front. I hopped into her car.

“Hey, noona,” I greeted. Mina smiled and waited until I was ready to go.

“Eomma is excited to see you,” Mina started off the conversation. Mina has always been the closest to our mom. Perhaps it’s just the duty of being the eldest sibling in a family. If I need to ever find out how mom was, I could always rely on Mina.

“Yeah, it’s good to be home for a bit,” I responded.

“You mean for good,” Mina corrected. I looked over to her as she looked forward to drive. I knew where that comment came from.

“I mean in Gyeonggi,” I said. Mina chuckled and brushed it off. She knows what I meant.

“So, you’ve been adjusting back to life alright? Have you’ve become butter?” Mina teased. I rolled my eyes at the comment. She asked if I was now “too American” for Korean life.

“Very funny,” I deadpanned. “I’m adjusting just fine.” I looked out the window. Home, huh?

“You know,” Mina began. I looked at her as she spoke. “I know you liked it in America, but, I don’t know, it’s just not what I thought it was going to be.”

“We’re different people, noona,” I responded. “I enjoyed my time there.”

“Well,” Mina sighed. “I don’t know. I just felt like you do so much better in Korea. You live your own life, not under the roof of some random American girl–“

“Grace.” I corrected. “Her name is Grace.”

“Yeah, her.” Mina replied.

“You know she’s my girlfriend, right?” I said. Mina quickly looked at me and then back on the road. I could tell she was trying to keep her composure.

“Why don’t we know about this?” Mina asked. She’s right. Why doesn’t my own family know that Grace and I are a couple? Why doesn’t it feel like Grace and I are a couple? Before I could answer, I heard Mina sigh.

“Jaemin-ah,” Mina started. “I only want what’s best for you. We all do. I know you care about this girl a lot, but maybe it’s time to face the fact that it wasn’t meant to last. She may have been great company for you in America, but there’s just no way to make a long-distance relationship like this work.”

I didn’t say anything back. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

…

Eomma was happy to see me. She gave me the tightest hug when I entered the house. I think this was the one thing I missed about Korea; seeing the smile on my mother’s face when she saw all her kids under the same roof.

“Jaemin,” my mom greeted me.

“Hi, eomma,” I smiled back and greeted her. “How have you’ve been? You’re okay?”

“Nonsense! I’m okay, don’t worry about me,” my mom protested. Lia came into the room to greet me as well as Mina’s children. I picked up the youngest little girl, my niece, who just recently turned two years old.

“Aejeongie,” I cooed. She smiled and giggled, in which Mina widen her eyes in shock.

“I’m shocked she didn’t cry out,” Mina explained.

“I’m her uncle, noona, of course she’s going to know me,” I responded.

“Yeah, but you’ve been America for a year!” Mina coughed out. I looked at Mina, annoyed. I look at Lia, who looks just as shocked at Mina’s response.

I placed Aejeong back on the floor, where she walked towards her older sister.

“Jaemin-ah, can you help me set up for dinner?” Lia asked. I nodded my head and walked with Lia into the kitchen.

…

“Dinner was delicious,” Mina said to our mom. Eomma smiled and held her heart.

“I’m glad all of my children are here with me,” Mom responded.

Lia and I got up to gather the plates and dishes and brought them into the kitchen.

“Jaemin-ah, are you okay?” Lia asked. I looked over at her as she was washing the dishes.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Why?” I wondered. Lia didn’t say anything; she just sighed.

“I know Mina is being tough on you about the whole America thing,” Lia confessed. “She just wants what’s best for you. You know how noona is.”

“I just don’t like how she’s been talking about it,” I said. “Making everything as this joke. My time there was not a joke,” I began to get angry. Lia quickly noticed.

“Ya,” Lia stated. “You know she doesn’t mean it.”

“Minji-noona,” I pleaded. “I don’t like how she talks about Grace.” I could see Lia looking at me while cleaning the dishes. “Has she spoke about Grace to you?”

“Jaemin-ah,” Lia sighed. “I don’t want to spread gossip round.”

“Grace is my girlfriend.” I finally said out loud. Lia stopped what she was doing to look at me. She apparently didn’t have any idea either.

“Mwo? But she’s across the world,” Lia stated. I looked at her and rubbed the back of my neck. I felt my ears getting hot and red.

“I… I love her, noona,” I confessed to my sister. Lia, although closer to Mina for obvious reasons, was always easy to tell personal things to. She wasn’t as judgmental as Mina, but I know this information will go back to Mina when I’m not around.

“She’s a sweet person,” Lia started. She looked perplexed. I don’t blame her for being so. “But,” Lia tried to piece together her train of thought. “What are the odds you guys can actually be together? She can’t drop her life in America to come here with you, and you can’t keep spending millions of won to America.” She finally turned the faucet off and dried her hands with the hand towel. She finally turned to look at me.

“Have you spoken to her since you’ve been back?” Lia asked. I wanted to lie. I wanted to play it off like we’re both just carrying our lives as smooth and positive as possible. But Lia knows when I’m lying, so why bother?

“I haven’t spoken to her recently.” I faintly said.

“Jaemin-ah!” Lia shouted. “Why haven’t you called her?”

“That’s the thing,” I responded. “I’ve been trying to get in contact with her for the last week and a half. She’s not answering me or something.” Lia looked more panicked than me. Maybe I was just used to the silence on the other end of the phone whenever I tried to call Grace.

“Minji-noona?” I asked. Lia looked at me. “Do you think she’s hiding something?” Lia didn’t answer right away. She didn’t need to.

“A long-distance relationship isn’t the easiest thing to obtain,” Lia finally said. “I mean, you and Seohyun-ah lived in different areas and it was still–“

“Grace is not Seohyun,” I interrupted. “Grace is different.”

“Then what are you going to do about her not answering your calls? Go back to America?” Lia said, now annoyed at the conversation. I left the kitchen and grabbed my phone from the counter, walking passed Mina and my mom in the dining area, towards the front door. It’s about 7:30 in America; she still has to be up.

I called her phone and it rings. Nothing. I hung up, dialed again, and the phone rings. Nothing.

“Aigoo, answer me or something!” I shouted on the phone while it continued to ring. I hung up the phone and placed the phone in my pocket. Why would Grace ignore me? What the hell are we even? I look up towards the sunset and took a deep breath.

Maybe it was time we break up.

A glass is put in front of me and I quickly pick it up and take a sip. I look around the crowded bar & grill, paying no mind to the people who are screaming over a game and are hanging out with their friends. I honestly don’t even know how I got here; I guess I just needed to get out of my apartment and not stare at those four walls anymore.

A guy comes up to the bar area and orders a drink. I can tell he’s looking at me by the way his breath is hitting the back of my neck. I turned around as he smiled at me. Ugh. He reeked of alcohol.

“Hey, sweetheart,” the guy finally said. “I haven’t seen you here before. You’re new in town?” I couldn’t help but giggle; he was old enough to possibly be my fucking father.

“No, I’ve been here for years,” I responded. This guy made himself comfortable in the seat next to me.

“I would’ve remembered a pretty face like yours,” he slyly responded. I smiled and took a sip of my drink. Can’t lie, it’s been a long time since I had any attention like this.

“Well, you must not be looking hard enough,” I toyed. I suddenly felt this feeling in my stomach, and it wasn’t pleasant. This guy is looking at me like he knows he’s about to get lucky tonight. If I’m lucky enough, maybe I’ll just puke on his clothes. “Excuse me for a moment, I just have to freshen up,” I flirtatiously said.

He didn’t get lucky with me, that’s for damn sure.

…

I flushed the toilet once I was done and closed the lid. I looked at the mirror and tied my hair back. Is this how my life was suppose to pan out? Me, puking my brains out every 5 hours, alone, with my child that lives 2 hours away up north? Oh, and pregnant?

The night Ari came over was when I found out. She knew something was up; she didn’t even give me the privacy to pee on the damn stick. When I finally did, I wanted nothing more to just hide under a rock. How did I allow myself to get in this situation? How did an already failed mother manage to get herself pregnant? Even more so, by a man that lives across the fucking world? Jamie still doesn’t know, and I don’t know how to tell him or if I even should tell him. Again, ruining another man’s life.

I walk into the kitchen and grab a ginger ale from the fridge; my nights have been just me doing to the local bar to drink water for the night, then to come home and wonder when did my life get this fucked. Of course, running the dance academy has been harder these days. I wanted to dance to teach, not have to dictate steps to the dancers. I wanted to be on the floor with them, not in the bathroom puking every half an hour in my office bathroom.

The screen on my phone lights up on the kitchen counter; it reads “Jamie”. I haven’t spoken to Jamie since I found out. I’ve avoided almost all of his calls, to then text him and say I’m either busy, or with Willow, or too tired. I don’t know how long I’m going to play this game with him, but it fucking hurts.

It hurts because I love that man. In the year and a half I’ve known him, I’ve fell in love with him. I want nothing more to be the prefect girlfriend for him. I want nothing more for him to come home to me again after work and cuddle on the sofa watching reruns of his favorite American TV shows. I want nothing more to be in a normal relationship with him, but there’s nothing normal about me to make it a normal relationship.

The phone screen goes black until it lights up again; this time, it’s Ari. In annoyance, I picked it up.

“Don’t tell me, Jamie called you and now you’re calling me?” I answered.

“What?” Ari questioned. “Girl, are you still not talking to Jamie?” Fuck. Busted.

“I’m talking to him,” I attempted to lie. I heard Ari suck her teeth at the other end of the phone.

“Bitch, I don’t mean by text message. Have you answered his phone calls yet?” Ari asked. She always could see through my bullshit.

“Why should I?” I said.

“Uhm,” Ari loudly responded. “Maybe because you’re carrying his baby and he has the right to know!”

“And what is he gonna do about it, huh?” I argued back. It was the truth. What is Jamie going to do when I tell him? He’s back in Korea, and here I am in NYC.

“He still has the right to know, Grace, and you know it,” Ari said. I squeezed my eyes shut as she continued to talk. “You love Jamie, and you not answering his calls is just going to hurt you both in the end.”

“I got to go,” I abruptly said and hung up the phone. I held my head with my hands, stressed and unsure what I should do. He deserves to know, I would love for him to know, but this relationship thing we got going on is just not going to work.

Maybe I should break up with him.

I looked at the clock on the stove and saw that it was about 11pm. It’s 1pm in Korea, if I do it now, he’ll pick up. I placed my phone in one of the drawers of the kitchen counter and walked away. I just want to disappear.

The busy streets of New York City keeps the night going. Taxis and buses pass by the streets while people walk in and out of various stores and buildings.

One Taxi stops in front of an apartment building. The door opens and out walks a tall, skinny woman with a pea-coat and high-heeled boots. It’s Ari, Grace’s best friend. Once the taxi drives off, she takes out her phone and dials up a number. Moments later, she begins to talk.

Ari: Hey, I’m here, are you nearby?

Ari looks up and down the city block.

Ari: *annoyed* Boy if you don’t get here faster, I’m gonna go upstairs by myself and handle this shit out!

Ari hangs up the phone and looks at the building in front of her. She slowly walks towards the entrance of it.

A few moments later, a man with tied-up dreadlocks and a bomber jacket comes into the building. He looks around and spots Ari. Ari gets up from her seat and walks towards the man.

Ari: It took you long enough!

Emerson: Hey, traffic was crazy in Brooklyn!

The two start to bicker until they notice they are now being loud inside the lobby. They stop, look around and lower their voices.

Ari: Let’s just go upstairs so I can kill a bitch.

Ari walks towards the elevators as Emerson follows.

Emerson: So she hasn’t spoke to you in three days?

Ari: She won’t answer my calls, text me back, call me back; nothing. It’s like she doesn’t even exist and I’m not gonna let that shit slide.

Emerson: She hasn’t answered my calls or texts either.

Once they enter the elevator and press the floor number button, the doors close.

Ari: I get she’s all sad with Jamie going back to Korea, but she can’t just tune out the world because of that.

Emerson doesn’t say anything. The doors open and Ari walks ahead down the hall. Emerson follows her. Once they reach the door, Emerson insists he knock first.

Emerson: *knocks* Grace? *knocks harder* Grace? You there?

Ari: Where else would she be?

Emerson puts a finger to his mouth, gesturing for Ari to quiet down. Ari rolls her eyes and reaches for something under the welcome mat. Emerson is dumbfounded.

Emerson: How’d you–

Ari: Oh please, the amount of times this bitch got drunk and couldn’t find her keys; this was basically my idea.

Ari takes the key and opens the front door to Grace’s apartment. Both Ari and Emerson look into the apartment.

Ari: Grace! Get your ass out here!

Ari walks towards the bedroom.

Emerson: Ari!

He follows Ari as she swings the bedroom door open. While Emerson stand at the doorway, Ari walks towards the bed and pulls the blanket off of the bed.

Ari: Grace!

Grace takes her head off of the pillows and looks up.

Grace: Ari? Em? The fuck…?

Ari: Don’t change the subject! What the fuck, Grace?

Grace: *annoyed* How the hell did you guys even get in here?

Ari: I’m your best friend! I know where your spare key is!

Grace: That’s for emergencies only!

Ari: Bitch this is an emergency! I haven’t heard from you for days! Neither as Emerson!

Emerson doesn’t say anything, he just stands at the doorway, nervous.

Grace: Well I’m fine, so both of you can leave.

Grace grabs the blanket to try to cover herself back up, but Ari is not having it. They both fight for the blanket, and Emerson tries to break it up.

Emerson: Okay! Okay! That’s enough, stop!

Grace immediately stops, which causes Ari to fall to the ground with the blanket. Grace races out of bed and runs out of the room.

Emerson: Grace!

He sees her slamming the door to the bathroom. Ari gets up and tries to go after Grace, but Emerson blocks the doorway.

Emerson: She went to the bathroom! Relax, Ari!

Ari stops fighting until Emerson puts down his guard and Ari walks out of the room.

Emerson: Ari!

Ari: Let me handle this.

Ari calmly walks to the bathroom and knocks on it.

Ari: Grace, you can’t just hide in the bathroom all day.

Grace: *yells from inside the bathroom* Just leave! Please!

Ari: You must be dumb if you think I’m leaving without talking about this shit.

Grace: *yells* Just go!

Grace is heard coughing, followed by something falling into water. Ari looks at Emerson.

Emerson: *to Ari* I have to go and meet with Cami and her parents. Please keep me posted about Grace. Let me know how she’s doing.

Ari nods and Emerson leaves the apartment, loudly shutting the door shut. Ari doesn’t say anything or move. She instantly hears the bathroom door unlock. Ari quietly takes a deep breath and then walks into the bathroom.

Ari: Grace–

Grace screams, surprised to see Ari there.

Grace: I thought you left!

Ari: That was Emerson’s whipped ass…

Ari closes the bathroom door and looks towards the toilet bowl. She gags.

Grace: Goddamn, Grace! Did you throw up all of your meals from today?

Grace sighs and weakly flushes the toilet. Ari crosses her arms and looks down at Grace.

Ari: Is this what you’re doing now? Eating but still puking everything out?

Grace: *annoyed* What, are you here to see if I’m actually eating?

Ari: I can clearly see you are with all that shit you just puked up.

Grace: *defeated* Why are you here, Ari?

Ari: *annoyed* Because my best friend hasn’t spoken to me in three days.

Grace: Look, I’m sorry; I haven’t been feeling good and just wanted to be left alone.

Ari: And you couldn’t text me that? It would’ve saved me the cab fare coming here…

Nothing is said between them for a moment. Ari unfolds her arms and attempts to grab Grace by the hands to lift her up off of the bathroom floor.

…

Ari and Grace are sitting on he couch. Ari is drinking coffee while Grace is eating saltine crackers with ginger ale. Ari looks at Grace.

Ari: So how are you really holding up with everything happening?

Grace chews her saltine crackers and takes a sip from her bottle.

Grace: I’m alright. It hurts less when it happens a second time…

Ari: Hey. You know Jamie loves you.

Grace shrugs her shoulders and continues to eat her saltine crackers.

Grace: You know dipping these crackers in ranch dressing is everything?

Ari makes a disgusted face and continues to drink her coffee.

Ari: That doesn’t sound pleasing.

Grace: *shakes her head* Ranch dressing on top of pudding is even better.

Ari chokes on her coffee.

Ari: Bitch, are you high?

Grace rolls her eyes and continues to eat. When the crackers are finished, Grace gets up and gets something else from the pantry. Ari watches her.

Ari: You sure have been eating a lot more these days.

Grace: *sarcastically* Jeez, thanks bitch.

Ari: Listen, it’s better than you starving yourself and shit! I’m glad Jamie got your ass straightened out and got you eating again!

Grace: Yeah, well he keeps pestering me about eating even it being a 13 hour timezone difference and being across the damn world.

Grace closes the pantry and comes back with some dip and potato chips… and ranch dressing.

Ari: Mhm, so he doesn’t know you’re purging and then puking it out when you feel full?

Grace doesn’t say anything, but the silence speaks volumes for Ari.

Ari: You know if you don’t tell him, I will.

Grace: Ari, that’s not your business to tell.

Ari: Bitch please! You know Jamie and I only communicate is for the sole purpose of making sure you’re not falling off the wagon, which… I mean…

Grace: *annoyed* Look, I’m not making myself vomit. Maybe I’m just eating too much and my stomach can’t handle it.

Ari: I mean, who the hell can stand eating ice cream with ranch dressing? That’s some pregnant woman stomach shit.

Grace laughs and continues to eat her snacks. Ari quickly spits her coffee back in her cup and her eyes widen.

Ari: Girl, you’re not pregnant, right?!

Grace: *rolls her eyes* Bitch, you know that’s not a possibility.

Ari: Not the way you and Jamie used to fuck.

Grace’s widens her eyes in shock. She shakes her head in protest.

Grace: Ari, stop. I’m not pregnant. I know I’m not pregnant.

Ari: You took a test?

Grace: Why would I take a test?

Ari: So you don’t know for sure?

Grace: *annoyed* Ari.

Ari: Grace, take a damn test.

Grace: For what?

Ari: *stern* Grace.

Grace sucks her teeth and gets up from the couch. She walks to the bathroom.

Ari: *shocked* Bitch you got a test?!

Ari hops off from the sofa and runs towards the bathroom.

The lights from the city skyscrapers illuminate into Grace and Jamie’s bedroom. Grace holds a bowl of popcorn in her lap while Jamie comes back to the bed in his pajamas, with snacks.

Grace: Do you think we have enough snacks?

Jamie: *looks around the bed* Is the three different types of chips not a good variety?

Grace laughs and grabs a handful of popcorn. Jamie smiles at the sight.

Jamie: How have you’ve been feeling? Are you okay?

Grace: If you’re asking me if I’m eating the way I’m supposed to be eating, then there’s nothing to worry about.

Jamie smiles and kisses Grace on the head.

Jamie: I’m glad to see you eating.

Grace shoves more snacks into her mouth as she looks at Jamie. He does the same.

Grace: I’m happy that we could do this. You know a fancy dinner isn’t my thing.

Jamie: I wish I could still take you out one last time.

Grace’s smiles faintly goes away. She looks out of the window; Jamie places his hand on her shoulder.

Jamie: Jagiya~

Grace quickly turns around towards Jamie. His name for her has become natural for her to hear Jamie call her by jagiya than her own name.

Jamie: I will take you out when I come visit.

Grace: Do you really think a long distance relationship is going to work?

Jamie was taken back by Grace’s response. He grabs Grace’s hand and rubs it with his thumb.

Jamie: We will make it work.

Grace has a hard time believing Jamie. She wants to believe that nothing will change when Jamie goes back to Korea, but she has gotten so used to coming home to Jamie, having dinner with Jamie, falling asleep next to Jamie; spending most of her days with Jamie. She hopes this is able to work, but she’s not confident.

Jamie: saranghae.

Grace faintly smiles and goes back to eating her snacks. Jamie does the same.

…

The bathroom door swings open and Grace is running towards the toilet. She quickly pukes into the toilet bowl and flushes once she’s done. She leans against the sink and looks into the mirror; she looks like absolute shit. She brushes her hair back and washes her face before leaving the bathroom. It’s 11pm in NYC, Grace’s apartment is emptier than it previously was. She takes a seat at her couch as her phone rings. Grace smiles at the number on her screen.

Grace: *picks up* Miss me already?

Jamie: *laughs* You know that’s not even a question. How are you feeling? Are you eating?

Grace: *rolls eyes* I’m fine. Are you calling just to check on me?

Jamie: Of course, I’m supposed to check on you.

Grace smiles and looks at the time.

Grace: Are you still traveling to your mother’s house?

Jamie: Yeah, I have about 2 more hours on the train before Mina picks me up.

Grace doesn’t say anything, she just sits there.

Jamie: Get some sleep, jagiya. It’s late in America.

Grace: I hope I can get some sleep…

Grace looks up to prevent tears to come down her face.

Jamie: Ya~

Grace: Yeah?

There’s a pause on the phone until Jamie speaks in a low tone.

Jamie: I love you. I will be back.

Grace doesn’t say anything, she wipes her eyes and shakes her up.

Grace: Okay.

Jamie: I’ll talk to you later.

Grace hangs up the phone and looks up at her ceiling. She takes in a deep breath and closes her eyes.