The "Something" Series

Something I Don’t Wanna Think About: A Monologue.

Why I'm Over the Club and Bar Scene

A glass is put in front of me and I quickly pick it up and take a sip. I look around the crowded bar & grill, paying no mind to the people who are screaming over a game and are hanging out with their friends. I honestly don’t even know how I got here; I guess I just needed to get out of my apartment and not stare at those four walls anymore.

A guy comes up to the bar area and orders a drink. I can tell he’s looking at me by the way his breath is hitting the back of my neck. I turned around as he smiled at me. Ugh. He reeked of alcohol.

“Hey, sweetheart,” the guy finally said. “I haven’t seen you here before. You’re new in town?” I couldn’t help but giggle; he was old enough to possibly be my fucking father.

“No, I’ve been here for years,” I responded. This guy made himself comfortable in the seat next to me.

“I would’ve remembered a pretty face like yours,” he slyly responded. I smiled and took a sip of my drink. Can’t lie, it’s been a long time since I had any attention like this.

“Well, you must not be looking hard enough,” I toyed. I suddenly felt this feeling in my stomach, and it wasn’t pleasant. This guy is looking at me like he knows he’s about to get lucky tonight. If I’m lucky enough, maybe I’ll just puke on his clothes. “Excuse me for a moment, I just have to freshen up,” I flirtatiously said.

He didn’t get lucky with me, that’s for damn sure.

I flushed the toilet once I was done and closed the lid. I looked at the mirror and tied my hair back. Is this how my life was suppose to pan out? Me, puking my brains out every 5 hours, alone, with my child that lives 2 hours away up north? Oh, and pregnant?

The night Ari came over was when I found out. She knew something was up; she didn’t even give me the privacy to pee on the damn stick. When I finally did, I wanted nothing more to just hide under a rock. How did I allow myself to get in this situation? How did an already failed mother manage to get herself pregnant? Even more so, by a man that lives across the fucking world? Jamie still doesn’t know, and I don’t know how to tell him or if I even should tell him. Again, ruining another man’s life.

I walk into the kitchen and grab a ginger ale from the fridge; my nights have been just me doing to the local bar to drink water for the night, then to come home and wonder when did my life get this fucked. Of course, running the dance academy has been harder these days. I wanted to dance to teach, not have to dictate steps to the dancers. I wanted to be on the floor with them, not in the bathroom puking every half an hour in my office bathroom.

The screen on my phone lights up on the kitchen counter; it reads “Jamie”. I haven’t spoken to Jamie since I found out. I’ve avoided almost all of his calls, to then text him and say I’m either busy, or with Willow, or too tired. I don’t know how long I’m going to play this game with him, but it fucking hurts.

It hurts because I love that man. In the year and a half I’ve known him, I’ve fell in love with him. I want nothing more to be the prefect girlfriend for him. I want nothing more for him to come home to me again after work and cuddle on the sofa watching reruns of his favorite American TV shows. I want nothing more to be in a normal relationship with him, but there’s nothing normal about me to make it a normal relationship.

The phone screen goes black until it lights up again; this time, it’s Ari. In annoyance, I picked it up.

“Don’t tell me, Jamie called you and now you’re calling me?” I answered.

“What?” Ari questioned. “Girl, are you still not talking to Jamie?” Fuck. Busted.

“I’m talking to him,” I attempted to lie. I heard Ari suck her teeth at the other end of the phone.

“Bitch, I don’t mean by text message. Have you answered his phone calls yet?” Ari asked. She always could see through my bullshit.

“Why should I?” I said.

“Uhm,” Ari loudly responded. “Maybe because you’re carrying his baby and he has the right to know!”

“And what is he gonna do about it, huh?” I argued back. It was the truth. What is Jamie going to do when I tell him? He’s back in Korea, and here I am in NYC.

“He still has the right to know, Grace, and you know it,” Ari said. I squeezed my eyes shut as she continued to talk. “You love Jamie, and you not answering his calls is just going to hurt you both in the end.”

“I got to go,” I abruptly said and hung up the phone. I held my head with my hands, stressed and unsure what I should do. He deserves to know, I would love for him to know, but this relationship thing we got going on is just not going to work.

Maybe I should break up with him.

I looked at the clock on the stove and saw that it was about 11pm. It’s 1pm in Korea, if I do it now, he’ll pick up. I placed my phone in one of the drawers of the kitchen counter and walked away. I just want to disappear.

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