Author: liz

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: About My Future.

liz

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I always challenge myself, possibly because I never think the work I do is enough for my satisfaction or because I know that I can do whatever I put myself through.

When I was a college student pursuing a BA degree, a Master’s degree seemed to be out of the equation. I wanted to further my studies, but I didn’t know if I ever would take that step towards going to graduate school. When I got accepted into the MA program within my college, I felt like it was meant to be; I was meant to go forward and continue my studies and get the MA degree that I always spoke about getting.

In 2016, I started grad school. In 2018, I finished and got my MA degree. I should feel accomplished. I should feel like I conquered the one thing that I wanted to do within my studies. I should feel like I’m qualified enough, that I know enough, that what I have and learned is enough to succeed within the field I want to be in.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m going through a hard, long conversation with myself about getting a Ph.D. in Rhetoric & Composition.

I’m fucking crazy, just say it. 

While in grad school, I told myself that I was going to move to get my Ph.D. after my Master’s, but with the exhaustion and poor mental health I experienced because of grad school, it told me otherwise. My Master’s was enough, and the experience I had as a grad student is something I will always feel good about because I did it, but I gained much more than just a new, shiny, degree. I gained a passion.

My mentor, Ro, and I have been working on writing a journal article this last month. It has been a project we discussed doing ever since I was a Teacher’s Assistant for her graduate class, and with the current COVID-19 circumstances, we decided to use this time to write and get something published. During the time I’m writing this, we are in the final stages of our official draft before we submit it to the journal we’ve been thinking of submitting it to! I don’t know if it was because we had all the time in the world to write this, but it took us literally a week to complete a full first rough draft, and for me – it was rewarding. Not only will the context of my thesis will be published in an actual academic journal, but this is ultimately the path I want to take in life! I want to be a part of the conversations happening in this field.

But, I still feel like I don’t belong.

I feel like my voice and my ideas are still so underdeveloped and immature; I still remain hopeful in a field that hasn’t really changed since it started. Sure, the ideas and the philosophies in this field have become more progressive and modern to fit its time, but it’s one thing to talk about it and then be about it, as Asao Inoue discussed in his CCCC 2019 Keynote Speech. In a field with so many voices speaking at once, I wonder where mine would even fit in. Is my register loud enough to be heard? Am I just living in a fantasy world where I fit in this field? I don’t know.

To some degree, I explained this to Ro during our phone conversation discussing about our article. One thing Ro does best is always reminds me that my voice matters, and my ideas are just as important as anyone else’s. Particularly in this article, she went on to say that my section of the article brings life to it because I’m new, I’m fresh, and I have something to say as someone who is new in this field. Ro is my mentor for a reason; she embodies where I want to be in my life career wise. Being as young as she is and as accomplished as she is, it’s definitely inspirational to see someone as successful and so driven in this field. Plus, she’s just an awesome person in general, and I’m grateful for her presence and professional guidance in my life.

It’s interesting (and motivational) to hear that I’m considered a new, fresh face in this community of writing studies. It surely doesn’t feel it, and I feel like I have a lot more reading and research to do on my side of things, but just hearing that to some degree, with some expertise, I know what this field of study is. Still, I’m not satisfied with what I know. I want to know more. I want to do more. I want to be more.

Pursing a PhD isn’t just something to take lightly, so I’m not writing this and applying for PhD programs as we speak. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about further down the road or when I feel like I’m ready. Maybe I’ll never be ready, maybe I’ll be ready sooner than later; who knows. If there’s anything that being in this space during quarantine has taught me, it’s that once my time at the bookstore is over (not anytime soon, but also I don’t plan to stay there forever), I know where my next step in my career is going.

Maybe I am enough. Maybe my Masters degree is enough to pursue a career in this field (or just a field where I’m helping college students… even teaching may be down the line), but maybe my voice and passion and drive to be in this field is enough.

Maybe me, in its purest form, is enough, despite how much I say I’m not.

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Creative Pieces

The Awkward Encounter: A Scene.

liz

A family of four and a guest sir at the dining room table, having dinner on a Saturday evening. A mother and father, Sophie and Milo, a 20-year old girl and her boyfriend, Summer and Evan, and a 12-year-old boy, Emerson. Light chatter and the clanking of forks and glass cups surround the small dining area. 

The atmosphere is broken when the doorbell rings. 

Sophie: Were you expecting someone, Milo?

Milo: Not that I know of…

Milo gets up from the table and walks towards the front door.

Milo: Jennifer and my dad aren’t coming until next Sunday for dinner…

Milo opens the door and is taken back by who’s at the door. A tall, skinny redhead in a wool coat is standing there; she’s Milo’s forever best friend, Mollie. Milo hasn’t seen Mollie ever since she left NYC 12 years ago to live out her dream of being a dancer. She’s traveled the world, dance for the elites, made a name out of herself, but it cost her her marriage and the child she left behind. Once Mollie left, most of her family shunned her away due to the poor choice she made to leave her child behind. Milo has been the only one that’s willing to talk to her throughout these years. 

Milo: M- Mollie.

Mollie: Hey, Milo.

Awkward silence. In the distance, Sophie is heard yelling at Milo, “who is it, hun?” until she walks to the door behind Milo and sees who it is. She is just in shock to see Mollie as Milo is. 

Sophie is now cleaning the kitchen after dinner and the kids are doing their own thing around the house. Milo and Mollie sit at the dining room table across from each other, not saying anything. Mollie is in deep thought, trying to say what she wants to say in this conversation, while Milo sits there speechless. 

Mollie: So, uhm… how’s everyone doing?

Milo: Everyone’s doing good. The kids are okay, Soph’s okay… how about you? It’s been a while, huh?

Mollie rolls her eyes and sighs; Milo knows when to get right over the bullshit. 

Mollie: I’m sorry I haven’t called for a while. Things got really crazy when I was in India for this production.

Milo: Wasn’t that gig like 4 months ago?

Mollie: *sighs* Milo…

Milo: I’m just stating the facts, Mol. You know I worry about you.

Mollie: *annoyed* I’m a grown woman, Milo, we aren’t kids anymore.

Milo: So why are you here?

Mollie looks at Milo dumbfounded.

Mollie: Why are you acting like that?

Milo: Look, Mollie, I haven’t seen you in person for 12 years. My kids don’t even know who you are and you show up here in the middle of our dinner where Sophie and I was meeting my daughter’s boyfriend for the first time?

Mollie: Sum-Summer has a boyfriend?

Milo: *cold* Summer is 20-years-old, Mol. She’s not the little kid you remember her as.

Mollie takes in the reality on how long she’s truly been gone. 

Mollie: You are the only person I could talk to, Milo. I haven’t spoken to my mom or Jennifer or Maryette in years; they want nothing to do with me and–

Milo: *interrupts* What made you come back? Why now?

Mollie: *sullenly* I can’t competively dance anymore. I broke one of my bones in my foot and I had to retire. I’m simply back to start my life over.

Milo: *srunches eyebrows* Listen, I respect you coming back to start your life over, but don’t you think it’s a little too late?

Mollie: *angrily* And who gave you the right to dictate whether or not it’s too late, huh?

Milo: Mollie, Weston doesn’t live in New York anymore. He moved to Virginia with your daughter.

Mollie: Who said anything about Weston or my daughter?

Milo is now confused. Did he miss something?

Milo: Aren’t you back in New York for them?

Mollie: No, I’m not.

Milo gets up from the table and circles around a bit; Mollie doesn’t move.

Milo: So let me get this straight… You come back to New York to start your life over, y’know, live like one of us normal folk, but don’t want to make things right with your family?

Mollie is about to say something until Milo cuts her off.

Milo: And I’m not talking about your mom, or your sisters, and not even with Weston; I’m talking about your daughter, Mol.

Mollie: What am I supposed to say? “Hi, you’re a whole ass 12-year-old girl now but I’m the mother that chose her career over you and now that’s over and done with, I want to be back in your life”?

Milo: It’s a damn start!

Mollie gets up from the table to be face-to-face with Milo; she’s now even more angry.

Mollie: No, it’s not. You don’t know how Weston is going to react if I just show up in bubblefuck Virginia and demand to see my daughter. I have no custody over her, technically I don’t exist in their world and I would rather it say that way. Why hurt the one person I wish I didn’t hurt even more by showing up in her life and force her to love and respect me just because I’m her mother. I would rather her live her life the way she’s living it without me in it; she doesn’t need me ruining her damn life.

Mollie turns back around towards the table to gather her purse in order to leave the house.

Milo: Mollie, wait.

Mollie stands near the front door and rools her eyes. She turns around to look at Milo. Milo walks up to her. 

Milo: I’m sorry, Mollie. You know I won’t ever understand what happened between you and Weston. It just upsets me because I could never imagine my life without my kids. You know the hardships Sophie and I went through when Summer was born. We were just kids ourselves–

Mollie: I wasn’t ready to have a child yet–

Milo: You think I was ready at 18, Mol? You were 25–

Mollie gets her coat from the coat hanger.

Mollie: It was a stupid idea to come here, just forget it.

Milo: *yells* Can you just listen to me for once, Mollie?

They both stand there in silence. No noise in the house is present either.

Milo: Mollie, I fucking care about you. You’ve been my best friend since we were babies, I’m only frustrated at you because you keep running away from the things that matter the most. I get it, you don’t want to cause confusion and give off mixed feelings towards your daughter, but she also deserves to know the truth and she deserves to know that deep down in that thick skull of yours, you constantly think about her every single day and hope she’s doing fine. Now I don’t know why you came here first out of all the people you should be making amends with, but–

Mollie: I need a place to stay, Milo. I don’t have nowhere else to go and you’re the only one that gives a shit about me. I don’t have anyone else.

Milo is taken back by Mollie’s words; he’s speechless.

Mollie: Please, Milo. We’ve always had each other’s backs. I know I haven’t been the greatest person in a while, but I can’t do this on my own. All the money I had went towards my hospital bills and the plane ticket back here, I just want to be able to get on my feet, but I need your help.

Milo takes in a deep breath.

Milo: Mollie…

Mollie: I will not be here long, Milo. I promise I will not overstay my welcome and try to be out of your hair as soon as possible.

Milo: I’ll talk to Sophie about it.

Mollie hugs Milo and Milo is taken back. Mollie isn’t the lovey-dovey type of person.

Mollie: Thank you so so so so much, Milo!

Milo: *smiles* Yeah, yeah… You know I gotchu, but you’re going to need a job if you’re looking to get out of here quick.

Mollie puts her coat back on the coat hanger and tosses her purse on the sofa.

Mollie: Oh, which reminds me, I have a job interview at our old high-school! They’re looking for a dance teacher!

Milo: *wides widen* Wait, what?!

Mollie: Yeah! I wonder if your dad still works there, remember when we had them for chorus class? Man, that must’ve been awkward for you, Milo.

Mollie goes to sit back down at the dining room table where she has left her cup of coffee. Milo is still standing there in awe.

Milo: My father doesn’t work there anymore. I do.

Mollie spits out her coffee in shock. She wipes her mouth and looks at Milo, who is also looking at Mollie. 

Aren’t they going to have some adventures together, huh?

— The End —

Misc.

Music Favorites: (Updated) Kpop Edition!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So this time last year, I completely indulged in the fact that I was complete Kpop trash, and although I was still very shy about speaking about it, she’s fully exposed and she has some groups to talk to y’all about. 

Last year, I introduced some veteran girl groups and girl group rookies that I was into, and a lot has changed since then. This girl went from “I only listen to girl groups” to “I literally listen to everything that’s Kpop related.” In this post, we’ll be talking about some veterans, some rookies, some updates to on who my ultimate bias groups are, and all that jazz.

Disbanded Groups

UNIQ:

With Wang Yibo in The Untamed, The Boys of UNIQ Come Into Their ...

These boys deserved better, in all honesty. These 5 guys are (were) UNIQ, a Chinese-Korean idol group under Yuehua Entertainment. While Yuehua Entertainment was mostly a Chinese idol agency, UNIQ’s Korean members were originally from YG Entertainment. By age order, the members were Yixuan, Sungjoo, Wenhan, Seungyoun, and Yibo. Both Sungjoo and Seungyoun were Korean trainees under YG Entertainment, while the rest of the group were solely under Yuehua Entertainment. UNIQ debuted back in 2014 with their debut single, “Falling in Love“, and then “EOEO” following it. UNIQ gained some commercial success in Korea, but more so in China. Because the group was under the Chinese idol agency, many of their promotions were in China, as well as their success. With a couple of comebacks here and there, the group quietly disbanded as the years went on, and the members of the group went their separate ways. While Sungjoo, Yixuan, and Yibo went on to acting, Wenhan went on the Chinese spin-off show of the Produce series, Idol Producer and went on to debut in the project group to come out of that show. As for Seungyoun, well, I think we all know what happened after his days in UNIQ.

  • Bias: Within the group, even after being completely biased with Seungyoun, Seungyoun always stood out to me whenever I watched interviews and music shows of the group. Seungyoun is (and always will be) “the vitamin”. He always had a fun and bubbly personality and always mesh well with his members. It’s crazy to see him on the maknae line (the youngest of the members in the group) because in X1, he was on the hyung line (meaning he was one of the oldest members in the group) so it’s cute to see how much of a baby he was 6 years ago.
  • Bias Wrecker: Yibo, hands down. He’s just so fucking gorgeous; I can’t even fathom how fucking pretty he is. Also, as the main dancer, he transforms into a completely different person. Although he’s not so much in the idol scene anymore, from what I hear, he’s a pretty damn good actor. 

X1:

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My sad heart, anyway – X1 will always hold a special place in my heart because they were the first boy group I ever fully fell in love with. X1 was an 11-member group that debuted after Produce X 101 created the group from the final 11 rankings in the show. They were under Swing Entertainment, and they debuted late 2019. The 11-members were Seungwoo, Seungyoun, Wooseok, Yohan, Hangyul, Junho, Dongpyo, Minhee, Eunsang, Hyeongjun, and Dohyon. Their debut song, “FLASH” was one to truly remember not because of how good it was, but because it broke an immense amount of records on music charts, music shows, and literally if they haven’t disbanded so abruptly (seriously still so hurt by that) they would’ve been the next big Kpop group in the industry. What made this group so unique was that their chemistry was insane, and their talent was out of this world. Being a follower of what was the Produce series, I was never truly satisfied with the final line up of their groups because so many other talented trainees got robbed from it, and more so “visuals” were chosen to be members over talent.

X1’s choosing was definitely the best one they had which is crazy because they believe that the producer of the series rigged votes and whatnot? That’s another story for another day. Anyway, this group was a lot of my firsts: boy group, physical album purchase, an obsession really. As a One-It forever, I will always be sad about the disbandment but will support the guys in whatever they do within their own companies. As of now, Seungwoo is back with VICTON, Seungyoun is doing some solo activities (give us a mini-album; please and thank you), Wooseok and Yohan are doing some acting activities, Hangyul and Dohyon are now a duo group called H&D, Junho is in a pre-debut group called W Project 4, Dongpyo is in a pre-debut group called DSP N, Eunsang has done some solo things within his company and Minhee & Hyeongjun are debuting in a new group with 7 other members within Starship Entertainment called Cravity.

  • Bias: You know a group is hella good when you find your bias changing every other week. When X1 was just formed, I instantly gravitated towards Seungwoo because his vocals on PDX101 were insane, his charisma and sexiness on-stage were oof, and he’s a 94 liner! In the show, many people didn’t notice Seungwoo at first because I mean, there were 101 guys in this competition, but what instantly got me was his performance of “U GOT IT” on the show. But then something happened…
  • Bias Wrecker: … CHO SEUNGYOUN WRECKED EVERYTHING. Seungyoun, like I mentioned earlier, has a very infectious personality. Even on PDX101, he was known as the person who lightened up the mood when things got too serious or whenever the other trainees struggled. When X1 started their promotions for their debut, he just always stood out to me, so when I started to dive deeper into his career prior to X1 and PDX101, I found out he used to be in an idol group called UNIQ and that when the group quietly went their separate ways, he began his solo activities under the name WOODZ.

Rookies:

Cignature:

cignature Members Profile & Photos - Kpop Profiles | Kpopping

So, one thing I like about Kpop is discovering rookie groups from smaller companies because, well, we need to give every group in KPop a chance! One group that stood out to me the most thus far was Cignature, a 7-member girl group under J9 Entertainment. They debuted earlier this year with their debut single “Nun Nu Nan Na“. The members of Cignature are Chaesol, Jeewon, Ye Ah, Sunn, Seline, Belle, and Semi and although they are fairly new and I don’t have a favorite or bias within this group, I look forward to their career because their debut single stood out the most to me thus far. A lot of people compared the song to a concept that Red Velvet would do because it showcases a lot of different genres within it, and honestly for this group to execute that concept so well as rookies and perform like season veterans already, I hope to see more of this group in the future!

MCND:

MCND | Kpop Wiki | Fandom

These boys better become successful as their career goes on because they are super fucking talented! So who are these boys? Well MCND, or “Music Creates New Dream”, is a 5-member boy group that debuted earlier this year under TOP Media. The members of MCND are Castle J, BIC, Minjae, Huijun, and Win. Although they had a pre-debut single come out back in January, their official debut single is called “ICE AGE” and oof, it fucking slaps. This group is very hip-hop influenced, and if there’s one thing every single member of this group is good at, it’s dancing. For a rookie group, they dance more neatly and synchronized than most veteran groups nowadays, which says a lot about their work ethic and talent. They are the next boy group to come out of their company after UP10TION, a 10-member boy group that debuted in 2015, which PDX101 constant Lee Jinhyuk and former X1 member Kim Wooseok were a part of. TOP Media had a shitty way of promoting them, so I hope they don’t disappoint fans with their new group!

CRAVITY:

CRAVITY are babies, y’all. This 9-member boy group debuted just a couple of weeks ago under Starship Entertainment; they are MONSTA X’s juniors. The members in CRAVITY are Serim, Allen, Jungmo, Woobin, Wonjin, Minhee, Hyeongjun, Taeyoung, and Seongmin. Very much like Victon and UNIQ, I found out about this group because of some of the members of this group being both in X1 and on Produce X 101, the popular survival show that X1 was formed in. Both Minhee and Hyeongjun were former members of X1, while both Wonjin and Jungmo were contestants of PDX101, and both were eliminated on the finale of the show. Ultimately, I really liked Wonjin in the series, so I’m so happy he was able to debut in his own company. Their debut single, “Break All The Rules” is a certified bop. It’s kinda crazy how crazy their concept matches this group, but the group is full of babies? When groups are able to be versatile like that (which shows in their debut album), then you know they’re going to be crazy-successful. I’m already obsessed with these boys.

My Ultimate Bias Groups:

ITZY:

K-pop Rookies ITZY Learn To Practice What They Preach - MTV

Last year, I included these talented ladies in my Kpop rookies post back when they were just a 2-month-old rookie group and only had their debut single “DALLA DALLA” out to showcase their talents. I will say this until the day I die: DALLA DALLA has been one of the greatest 4th-generation debut tracks I’ve heard thus far. They have a concept that is uniquely their own, and all these girls fit it so well. After their debut, they came back during the summer of 2019 with their 1st mini-album called IT’Z ICY with their title track, “ICY” and they recently came back with their 2nd mini-album called IT’Z ME with their title track, “WANNABE“. Back in January, I actually went to see them live in concert when they were touring the U.S and if that didn’t seal the deal of them being my ultimate favorite girl group, then I don’t know what did. 

  • Bias: When I first wrote about them last year, I really only knew Chaeryeong from being on Sixteen, the survival show that JYP Entertainment had in order to create (the biggest Kpop girl group now) TWICE. But as they made more comebacks and I began to follow them a bit more, my bias now is Yeji. She’s not only the leader of the group, but she has crazy dancing skills and amazing vocals. This chick eats CDs, y’all. She’s also an idol that has a duality in her; she could be very girl crush/badass on stage, but in interviews and variety shows, she’s very girly and very cutesy.
  • Bias Wrecker: Ryujin will forever be a bias wrecker, just how Chaeyoung from TWICE will always be my bias wrecker in that group. They both actually give off the same energy; not only are they both main rappers in their groups, but they also have — how do I say this — big dick energy. They will steal yo’ girls, guys. While they both can be very girly and cute off-stage, they really have charisma and badass vibe that stand out from the group. In particular, I’m so glad that with their recent comeback, she got the recognition she deserves because oof, she’s killing it.
  • Favorite Comeback: ITZY’s most recent comeback is hands down their best yet. I feel like with this last comeback, they fully established their brand and their concept, so MIDZYS (their fandom name) are only gonna expect this level of legitness in the future. Next!

VICTON:

Song Review: Victon – Howling | The Bias List // K-Pop Reviews ...

If you know anything about me, you know how obsessed I’ve become whenever it comes to Victon, y’all. Like UNIQ, I discovered VICTON when both Seungwoo and Byungchan participated in Produce X 101, and with the fans they had throughout that show, they were able to bring them along to their group which in all honesty VICTON won PDX101 over anyone else. Before the show, VICTON was rumored to be disbanding after the relase of their single album, Time of Sorrow because they were not getting the success the company hoped they would get. For VICTON, PDX101 was their last resort, and the number of fans and the amount of exposure they had from the show resulted in them becoming one of Kpop’s up-and-rising groups in the industry, with them breaking their own records and winning music shows with their comebacks. So, who are they?

VICTON is a 7-member group under Play M Entertainment, formerly known as Plan A Entertainment, back in 2016. The members are Seungwoo, Seungsik, Chan, Sejun, Hanse, Byungchan, and Subin. They debuted with their (amazing fucking) 1st mini-album, Voice to New World and were first known to be a boy idol group that was refreshing with some playful hip-hop influence in their music. If anything, they were not afraid to be a boy crush group rather than a sexy one. They’ve released 6 mini-albums and 1 single album in the duration of their careers; READY, IDENTITY, From. Victon, nostalgia, Continuous, and TIME OF SORROW.

  • Bias: Y’all, picking a bias for this group is nearly impossible; I’m literally up to my 4th bias change and it just rotates regularly. Of course, when I started to get more into the group, Seungwoo was my bias because he was also my bias in X1. But, once VICTON started to promote as a six-member group while Seungwoo was away, Seungsik became my bias. Then as I got more into the group, Sejun and Subin started to become my biases as well. So, I guess it’s safe to say I have 4 of them in VICTON. Even though it’s hard to choose, I do find myself going back to Seungsik. His duality is insane; he could be “Uwusik” one minute then “OOFsik” the other. He’s also the main vocalist of VICTON which says a lot; all of these guys could sing all crazy, but Seungsik can sing. If you wanna hear some Solosik, his single “I’m Still Loving You” is just all the chef kisses in the world.
  • Bias Wrecker: Out of all the wreckers in this group, Sejun is always the top contender to be my bias wrecker. Sejun is… eccentric. He’s definitely weird in his own way and he’s not afraid to be real on and off-stage. Many idols (I’ve noticed) are still very insecure not looking perfect 24/7 in front of their fans even when they are off-stage just chilling, but Sejun has proven time-and-time again on V LIVE that he does not give a shit and will just come as he is, which all idols should be like! Also, Sejun is a visual that is a lead vocalist, or what I like to call “second main vocalist”. We stan main vocalists, y’all.
  • Favorite Comeback: Although I officially became a VICTON fan when they came back with nostalgia, my favorite era of theirs has to be their 4th mini-album, From. Victon, which their title track was “Remember Me“. This title track out of all of them feels the most like VICTON; it still had that freshness that they had with their previous comebacks, but it also showcased a more mature side of the group as well. That mature side (to me) was the start of their more mature comebacks, which they all been since that. But everything to the music video to the album itself was just so personalized and well-balanced. She’s also the one song I know all the Korean lyrics to because, well, I’m trash.

 

And that’s it! Sorry for this post being literally so friggin’ long, but I really do enjoy writing and sharing my knowledge on the things I really enjoy in my life! But other than that, I hope you guys give some of these groups a chance; they’ve all worked hard and sacrificed their lives to make their dreams come true, so if you’re experimental with music genres, try listening to some Kpop, y’all.

Thank you for coming to your favorite Kpop-Trash writer’s TED talk.

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Misc.

SAS: It’s Okay to Not Be Productive. (5/2/20)

liz

self-appreciation saturday

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

How has everyone been doing? I know we all wish to go out and enjoy this beautiful weather, but the quicker we stay in and stay safe, the sooner we will be able to go back to our normal lives.

But for the time being, people are getting creative. From video chat happy hours to playing games with your friends through FaceTime and Zoom, to even celebrating birthdays on video chats; people are making sure to let those who matter to them are loved and missed during this time of social distancing. Individually, people are taking time to work on projects and develop new skills now that we all have the extra time to ourselves. Personally, I like to stay as productive as possible, so whether it’s me writing for LFL or for my journal article or learning Korean on Duolingo, I’m trying to keep myself as busy as possible because for my personal mental health.

And that’s the thing: not everyone has the energy during this time to keep themselves busy. Some people cope with negative things differently, and if that means they are watching TV and taking naps throughout the day, then let them be.

 

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Photo Credit: U.S. Public Health

 

Sure, it feels good for your body chemically when you keep it in a routine and active, but it’s also natural for the body to want to relax, y’all. Just because we have more than enough time for us to relax, it doesn’t mean that it’s a damn sin for us to want to.

Yes, it’s not a normal society right now. Yes, our routine of school, work, and productivity have changed, and we so desperately want that back in our lives, but please – don’t knock the people who are taking this time to rest.

At the end of the day, you don’t know what goes on in these people’s lives well enough for you to judge and call them losers because they are making, creating, or building something. You don’t know if these people are depressed because their family member is in the hospital right now fighting for their lives. You don’t know if the environment these people live is toxic for their mental health, and isolating themselves to get their mind out of their dark space is the only way to feel better for a bit. You don’t know if these people who rest are essential workers, risking their lives to be of service for you guys at home. You simply don’t know, so you have no say in what they should or should not do. 

Personally, I have my days where I’m perfectly fine; I’m able to get up out of bed, work on a couple of posts for the blog, clean up my personal spaces, even paint my nails and keep my personal appearance in check. Then there are other days when the only source of my happiness is listening to Kpop music, watching VLIVE or YouTube, and stay in my bed all day without any interaction because, well, my body doesn’t feel like doing a damn thing. Of course, my mind always makes me feel bad that I’m not doing anything and working on something, but I constantly have to remind myself that during this time, it’s okay if I’m not always “on.” Honestly, who is actually on 24/7 during a time like this?

So take care of yourself during this time. Don’t believe what the internet is saying about how you should be spending this time. Just going through this difficult time is enough.

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Creative Pieces

The Fakelationship: A Scene.

liz

*For reference of these characters, read this scene first*

A man with dark brown hair and a woman with light brown curly hair with different color streaks walk down the suburban area of NYC. They are carrying a “happy birthday!” gift bag and a tray of homemade cupcakes. The man, Micah, holds everything while the woman, Rosie, insists she helps hold something. Micah does not want her to hold anything in her condition, and Rosie rolls her eyes. 

They stop in front of a little house at the end of the block.

Micah: Well, this is the place.

Rosie: *sighs* I’m not ready.

Micah: C’mon, it’s no big deal, Roe.

Rosie: *raises up an eyebrow* Micah, you’re a momma’s boy. I’m nervous just being in the same room as her. You know she never liked me.

Micah: Hey, that’s not true. You got this, we just gotta act like ourselves.

Micah smiles at Rosie to reassure her. She still doesn’t budge.

Rosie: Then why do I feel like I’m gonna hurl today’s lunch out in the street?

Micah: *laughs* You’ll be fine, Roe, c’mon.

He guides Rosie up the front stairs and rings the doorbell. A woman with red curly hair opens the door and greets both Micah and Rosie. Micah hands over the birthday gift bag and kisses his mother for her birthday. After hugging and greeting them, they all walk up to the living room area where an older man with dreadlocks and two teenage twin sisters come out of the kitchen area to greet everyone.

Rosie takes the cupcake tray from Micah and puts it in the kitchen.

Milo: *hugs Micah* Micah! It’s good to see you!

Micah: Hey dad. *teasingly looks at the girls* Hey, Reagan; hey Dylan!

The twin girls roll their eyes at their brother and laugh as they both walk into their bedroom. The feeling’s mutual.

Micah turns around and sees Rosie standing awkwardly near the doorframe. He walks to her to make her feel comfortable.

Micah: Hey, guys – you remember Rosie, right?

Jennifer: Of course; it’s nice to see you again, Rosie.

Rosie: *nervously* The pleasure is all mine, Mrs. Kamalani.

Micah looks at Rosie nervously; why would she be so proper to someone she’s known forever by now? 

Micah: Are Milo and Sophie coming with the kids?

Jennifer: He couldn’t make it, Summer came down with the flu, which then spread to the entire family… but they told me to say hi and ask you when you’re going to visit them again?

Micah: Times have been crazy lately, mom. I’ll give him a call later when I get home.

Rosie sits near Micah nervously; she’s allowing him to do all the talking as she just sits there and acts as normal as possible. Micah notices that Rosie is quieter than usual and isn’t her normal spunky self. When Jennifer excuses himself after Milo calls out to her, Micah turns around to face Rosie.

Micah: *caringly* Hey, you’re alright, Roe?

Rosie: Yeah I just- I feel like I don’t belong.

Micah: Stop it, you do. You’re my company and you’ve known my family for years.

Rosie: Yeah, as your friend, not as your “fake girlfriend that’s pregnant with *air quotes* your kid.”

Micah: Look, I know it’s weird, but having them over my place for dad’s birthday in a few weeks is going to raise the question of why you’re living with me. It eliminates that discussion.

Rosie: Oh, but then what’s the excuse you’re gonna give when they start coming over and see me with a huge fucking belly…

Micah: *shhes Rosie* We will get to that bridge when we need to cross it.

Jennifer comes back into the living room area and sits down on the single lounge chair across from the sofa the other two are sitting.

Jennifer: So, how have you been, honey? It seems like you barely come around anymore.

Micah: Yeah, I’ve just been busy trying to get my life together, you know the deal.

Jennifer: It still doesn’t mean you can’t drop by every now and then.

Micah: *reassuring* I’ll do what I can, mom.

The conversation stops, and now Jennifer is focused on Rosie.

Jennifer: And how have you’ve been, Rosie? I haven’t seen you since you and Micah graduated from college last year.

Rosie: *nervously* Yeah, I’ve been busy doing my art thing, nothing unusual.

Jennifer: Ah, that’s nice. Do you still live in the neighborhood?

Rosie looks at Micah. He doesn’t look at her, but he knows.

Micah: So Mom, uh Milo told me the other day that you were thinking about retiring for good? Giving the business to Aunt Mollie when she comes back to the city?

Rosie exhales to herself, thankful that Micah got her message of nervousness. While the mother and son were catching up, Rosie excuses herself to go to the bathroom. Pregnancy sicknesses. Jennifer notices.

Rosie: Excuse me for a moment, just have to use the bathroom.

Micah: Yeah, it’s the second door on the left.

Rosie quickly gets up and head towards the bathroom.

Jennifer: Is she okay?

Micah: Yeah, she’s fine, mom.

Jennifer sits closet to Micah.

Jennifer: Micah, what’s going on? You never brought Rosie over for a dinner like this.

Fuck. This conversation wasn’t supposed to happen until everyone got together at the dinner table.

Micah: I mean, there’s a first for everything, y’know? I just decided to bring her along.

Milo calls the family for dinner; saved by the bell. Rosie walks to the table and Micah follows behind her. Jennifer also follows.

—–

Midway into the dinner, everything seems to be going as normal as possible; the twins are talking about their school lives and playfully teasing each other, Milo begins pouring wine into everyone’s glasses except the twins, who are drinking soda. After pouring Micah’s glass, he attempts to pour Rosie a glass.

Rosie: Oh, uhm, I’m fine, really.

Milo: Are you sure? Pasta always tastes better with some wine though. Not even a little sip?

Dylan: *intervenes* Dad, leave the poor girl alone.

Milo: What? I’m just being the hostess with the mostest. *to Rosie* Are you positive you don’t want any?

Micah: *annoyed* Dad…

Rosie: *nervously blurts out* I can’t even drink anyway.

Micah wides his eyes but avoids making a scene. He can only hope she heard what she said and tries to cover it up.

Rosie: I, uh, can’t drink because uhm, I’m a recovering alcoholic. *agreeing with herself* Yep. Recovering alcoholic.

Milo finally takes the bottle away from Rosie and the table is silent. Micah has absolutely no words for what just happened.

Milo: Really? That’s amazing, Rosie. *holds up his glass* Congratulations to your sobriety!

Rosie: *confidently* Thank you so much, Mr. Kamalani.

Micah chugs down the glass of wine; he wants to burst out laughing, he wants to die in this very seat, he doesn’t even know how he’s still functioning properly, but everything is going by well. Until…

Jennifer: So Rosie, it was great for you to join us tonight. Micah never brings anyone over when he visits.

Rosie: *nervously laughs* I’m honored to be the first, then.

Jennifer: Well, there was that one time that girl came over; what was her name, honey?

Milo is in the middle of eating, the twins are watching the conversation go down, and Micah is now visibly annoyed.

Micah: That was years ago, Mom. I was also living here too.

Jennifer: Ahh, that’s right; that’s why we saw her a lot.

Micah looks intently at everyone at the dining room table except Rosie; he can’t stand to see the look on her face after going through this awkward conversation. 

Micah: Well that was in the past.

Jennifer: You’re right, honey.

There is a moment of silence while everyone is eating, until…

Jennifer: Do you still keep in touch with Kalia, Micah?

Micah drops his fork onto his plate and looks down at the table, Rosie is now visibly annoyed at the conversation at hand. She respects Mrs. Kamalani, and she knows that Micah is her first-born and her only son; he holds a special place in her heart. She knows that Mrs. Kamalani only wants the best for her son, but why did she have a problem with her? What did this Kalia girl have that she doesn’t? Whatever the case was, Rosie is not about to sit around and act primp and proper for Micah’s family. She’s spunky, and she needs to lay down some dominance.

Rosie: Mrs. Kamalani, I don’t know if Micah told you why he brought me here today, but he brought me here because there is something we wanted to tell you guys.

Micah’s eyes widen and immediately turned his head towards Rosie. He knows what’s about to happen, or does he? 

Rosie: He brought me here to formally introduce me as his girlfriend. 

Jennifer tries to keep her composure, yet her wides widen at the news. 

Rosie: *raises her arms* The cat’s outta the bag! So please, Mrs. Kamalani, I know you don’t approve of me as much as you lead us on, but out of the respect of your son, can we at least try to get along? I’m not going anywhere.

Jennifer is shocked at Rosie’s words. She’s speechless, and all she can do is look at Micah, and throw daggers at Rosie, who still feels on top of the world, until the pit of her stomach tells her otherwise. Bathroom break #2.

Rosie: Now if you excuse me, *begins to look sickly* I have to use the–

The bile comes up before she’s able to finish her sentence. Rosie runs to the bathroom to most likely hurl both meals she had today. Micah officially gives up and continues eating. His family now looks at him in shock.

Milo: *breaks the silence* Are you sure she’s going to be okay, son?

Micah: *nonchalantly* She’ll be fine, she’s just pregnant.

The Kamalani family all drop their forks and knives on the dining room table. No one says anything, no one moves or does anything… besides Micah, who’s just letting things go the way they are going, eating the rest of his dinner. 

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Misc.

April 2020 Favorites!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Another month has passed us by and it’s now that time of the month where we talk about some highlights and favorites and all that jazz. As I write this, I wish I was able to share some exciting highlights of this month, like a concert or a happy hour gathering or something exciting – but alas, there isn’t anything to report back on because we are still under Quarantine. Ugh.

But besides that, I do have some favorite things that I discovered/got in April! There’s nothing else to do besides finding some new things to like, so…

Without further ado, here are this month’s favorites!

VICTON’S Signed “Voice to New World” Album

RNTD2011

Y’all, I can explain. I was on this late-night binge-watching Kpop channels and saw how some people had their favorite groups signed albums and I instantly was jealous. For a while, I thought about getting a signed Victon album because well, I’m K-motherfucking-Pop trash, y’all. I made sure the person I bought this copy from was a real one, and oof, she’s so fucking pretty. I wanted to get this particular album in a signed version because this album is still my favorite out of all of Victon’s discography, so yeah. My impulse buy at 3am in the morning was so worth it. 

MCND & CRAVITY

So, I had some time to stan some new groups this month while being under this quarantine! All the rookie groups coming out this year have been so legit, and two rookie groups definitely caught my eye: TOP Media’s MCND and Starship Entertainment’s CRAVITY. MCND debuted back in February yet made their comeback in April with “Spring” while CRAVITY debuted in April with their debut single, “Break All The Rules”. These groups are both rookies but are both so very talented and have unique concepts. I’m telling ya, these rookies these days are fucking killing it. I’m definitely looking forward to seeing the rest of their careers and wish nothing but success for the two groups!

This look:

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So, in the middle of this pandemic and our mandated quarantine, I figured it was the best time to do the one thing that I’ve been trying to do for the last year. I’m officially trying to grow out my hair! I know my hair length doesn’t define me or my beauty, but I’m very much bored and missing having some hair on my head, and I’m ready for the next chapter of my life when it comes to my hair. Don’t get me wrong, my pixie cut has opened so many opportunities for me to gain self-confidence and see past my looks, in all honesty. So, while I wait for my hair to noticeably grow, I’ve been hiding it under this funky hat. Also, I’ve been living in this denim jacket because this is her season, but this damn quarantine got her fucked up, and we gotta wear it before the hot weather comes along.

 

And honestly, that’s all I have! Let’s hope that May some things change for the better, and some highlights are actually mentioned in next month’s post!

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Misc.

Therapy: Two Years Later.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.

April has become such a special month for me because I decided to seek therapy two years ago this month, on this exact day. The day was definitely the start of a new chapter in my life that I continue to live by until this very day!

For a little background on those who may not know, I decided to seek therapy in 2018 due to the fact that I was experiencing some really intense anxiety during my time in grad school. After silently suffering for most of my grad school career with high levels of anxiety, stress, and depression, I decided that the way to take care of myself was to seek professional help and talk about my issues with someone unbiased, and someone that is willing to help me find new ways to cope and challenge the toxic things in my life.

In the beginning, therapy was something that was hard to adjust to. To have the time to talk about my issues and things that I never spoke out loud before was intense and a lot of that heaviness carried onto me during my day. I was now even anxious about getting anxious, my anxiety attacks were more frequent than they ever have been. I vividly remember having one of the worst anxiety attacks one night before going to my ex’s place for the night because I was afraid of leaving home. It was that bad, y’all.

Not only was it difficult to transition to going to therapy and getting comfortable with sharing personal things about my life, I had to realize the fact that not only did I need therapy to talk things out, but I also needed to start taking medicine as well.

Therapy, in the simplest way, helped me realize all of the unhealthy methods I had for coping in my life and all of the other unhealthy things in my life that contributed to my anxiety and depression. It made me realize that I knew more than I allow myself to admit, and it gave me some perspective on things that I couldn’t see while going through it. Sure, therapy has made me realize that I had a lot of toxic traits, that I had unhealthy views on love, and I lost a lot because of my newfound awareness of myself and my behavior, but if anything recharges me after a long and stressful week, it’s simply just having the safe space and that one hour of the week to unwind and let everything out.

With therapy, I’ve learned just how to see my social anxiety and my depression and how to not only accept it myself but to allow those around me to accept it as well. I learned how to embrace the bad times and let them be because they teach me what I need to do in order to get out of them in more efficient ways.

Whenever I speak about therapy to those around me, I get the question of “are you going to rely on therapy your whole life?” and I always felt sour about it. Therapy is not just an outlet for those who have mental health illnesses or disorders, and to this day it’s a myth that everyone still believes in. Therapy does not mean you’re “crazy” and it doesn’t mean that it’s not something that people who are “normal” (what truly is considered normal anyway) shouldn’t look into. The fact of the matter is most of us — if not all of us — need a time and place where we could unwind, reflect, and truly think about our actions, behaviors, and our patterns and understand why we do them in the first place. It’s an hour of the week that focuses on the things you don’t normally get to focus and talk about, and with us living busy lives, it’s well needed to just go to therapy and relax and talk to someone. So, will I “rely” on therapy to make me feel better for the rest of my life? Probably not, but if it does, who cares if I’m providing that time to take care of myself?

So no matter the circumstances, I will always recommend therapy to those who ask me if they should go. Again, you don’t have to be depressed, moody, anxious, or sad to seek out therapy; you don’t need some major traumatic thing in your life to go and seek it. You could just simply be having a tough patch in life and want another opinion to help you get through it. It doesn’t have to be as serious as we make it out to be, and I learned that once I started going to therapy. All the taboos you hear about therapy are quickly debunked once you attend therapy for yourself and find a therapist that you fit well with. Don’t write off therapy because someone else’s experience wasn’t that great, and don’t expect your experiences to be as great as one person makes it out to be. Everyone is different, and you’ll never know what personalized experience you’ll have if you don’t try it for yourself.

So, here’s to two years of therapy. I honestly have to thank my therapist, Cathy, for helping me get to the place I am now. Through the highs and the lows, she’s helped me through them and helped me learn parts of myself I never knew could exist in this world. I am who I am today because of her guidance, her faith in me to make the right choices in life, and for allowing me to have the time and space to speak my mind.

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Creative Pieces

The Proposal? : A Scene.

liz

Various clothing items are being tossed out of a closet; sweaters, jeans, scarves, and missing socks. 26-year-old Jennifer walks out of the closet, visibly out of breath. The extra pounds she now carries being a couple of months pregnant is now taking a toll on the normally petite woman. She sits on the bed and retraces her steps until she hears music being played in the living room. She gets up and walks out of the bedroom door to see what’s happening in the other room.

She walks out and spots her boyfriend, Milo, dancing along to the music as he puts on his tie near the mirror. She watches him from afar, smiling at the sight. She reflects back on the year she’s had. Today marks her 26th birthday, and for her birthday last year, she spent it in North Carolina with her ex-fiancee, taking care of him as he grew sicker from his chronic illness. She loved her ex-fiancee, and she did everything she could while he was still here. Now a year later she’s back in NYC, living with her boyfriend who happens to be her best friend of 22 years, now expecting her first child with him. Time truly is a crazy thing.

Her train of thought comes to an end when she realizes Milo is dancing towards her, singing along to the 90’s R&B music playing on the speakers. She laughs as he takes her hand and spins her around to dance. 

Milo: *hugs Jennifer* Whatcha doing out here watching my dance moves?

Jennifer: *smiles* I just had to see if you’re coming for my career, Mi. Gotta say, you need some more improvement.

Milo: Oh? You’re offering lessons, Miss Castro?

Jennifer: Hmph, call me back in 6 months, you’ll be the first on my list.

Milo: Aren’t I the lucky one?

They kiss and release each other from their embrace.

Milo: But enough about me; are you almost ready to…

He realizes that Jennifer is still in her sweatpants.

Milo: … I thought you were getting ready, Pep?

They both walk to the bedroom together, and Milo notices the explosion near the closet.

Milo: I guess that answers my question.

Jennifer: I can’t find a decent pair of shoes that will go with this dress. I know I have some flats in there somewhere…

Jennifer walks back into the closet to try to find a decent pair of shoes to wear. Milo walks behind her and sees her digging through the closet. He isn’t upset about the view. 

Jennifer: *while digging in the closet* Hey, Milo?

Milo: Yeah?

Jennifer: We’d be out this place faster if you’d help me find something to wear instead of staring at–

Milo clears his throat and goes into the closet behind Jennifer. He reaches towards the top shelf to a box of shoes, opens them up and shows Jennifer. She looks at them and takes the box and walks out of the room. Milo pulls the string to turn off the closet light.

Later into the night:

The ambiance of the restaurant is romantic, lightly-dimmed, and fancy; the restaurant is packed with couples celebrating Valentine’s Day. Milo is in a black suit, his dreadlocks are tied back so that his face is clean and exposed. Jennifer is wearing a blush pink maternity dress, her red curly hair is tied back into a bun with a couple of curly red strands framing her face. She barely has makeup on, but instead has that natural glow and color on her face. 

Milo can’t stop staring at the woman sitting across from him.

He remembers spending last year’s Valentine’s Day at home, eating the box of candy he bought for him and his 8-year old son. His son is asleep on the loveseat after watching cartoons for most of the night, so Milo picks his son up from the sofa and places his son in his bedroom for the night. Once he’s put into bed, Milo pours himself a glass of wine and hits at the tiny kitchen table. Besides having to go to work earlier that day, this day, in particular, was just like the other days, but in the back of his mind, he knew it was Jennifer’s birthday. He takes out his phone and starts writing out a message to send to Jennifer: “Happy Birthday, Pep. I hope everything is well with you and Cullen.” After thinking about it, he erases the message and doesn’t say anything.

In the present day, Jennifer notices Milo in some sort of trance. She tries to snap him out of it.

Jennifer: Everything okay, Mi?

Milo: *snaps out of it* Yeah, I’m… great, actually.

He smiles at her and she smiles back at him. They are looking at the menu, when Milo starts fidgeting in his seat, trying to get comfortable. 

Milo: Wow, it’s like they have the heat on in this place or something.

Jennifer: Well, it is the middle of the winter, babe. *laughs*

Milo: *nervously laughs* True, very true.

Milo takes a sip from his water glass and clears his throat. He needs to get the spotlight off of himself.

Milo: How are you feeling though? Still feeling as sick as before?

Jennifer: I mean, it was the first day where I didn’t wake up this morning puking the dinner from the night before. Maybe this is the baby’s birthday gift to me or something.

“The baby”. Milo’s stomach flutters with butterflies. He still can’t believe that the person he’s forever been in love with is now having his child. He embraces the excitement this time around; he was only 15-years-old when his then-girlfriend told him she was pregnant with his first child, and instead of celebrating, the anxiety and nervousness were the only things on his mind. 

Milo: Hey, maybe she’s finally listening to me to give you a break every now and then.

Jennifer: And what makes you so sure it’s a girl?

Milo: I don’t know, it was just something about that night and the way we–

Jennifer chokes on her water in laugher, putting one finger on her lips to tell Milo to keep quiet. Milo laughs along with her, and gives her his napkin so she could wipe her face. 

Milo: In all seriousness though, Happy Birthday, babe. I’m so glad to be one spending your birthday with you this year.

Jennifer: Thank you, Mi. I wouldn’t spend it with anyone else, in all honesty. Remember that one year when we were kids, you knocked my face into the birthday cake?

Milo: How could I forget? My mom asked me where I got the big ass bruise on my leg from.

Jennifer: You always knew I could beat you up, yet you always did things to test me.

Milo: *smiles* Our friendship wouldn’t have worked if I didn’t.

Jennifer: *sips her water* Mmph, despite that, you always spent my birthdays with me, even when you were dating Gwen when we were teenagers.

Milo still remembers the confusion on his ex-girlfriends face when he wanted to spend Valentines Day at Jennifer’s house and celebrate her birthday with her. Gwen didn’t understand why her boyfriend, and soon-to-be dad of their child, would want to spend the one romantic day out of the year with another girl. Milo loved Gwen to pieces, but he would’ve hate to break the tradition he had built with Jennifer. He just wanted to still be the one normal thing in her life during the time when her family was changing and going through it.

Milo: Yeah. I mean, it was nothing, really.

The plates of food finally arrive at the table, and they both begin to eat in silence. Once Jennifer realizes the awkward silence between them, she starts up the conversation again.

Jennifer: I don’t know if I ever thank you enough, Mi.

Milo: *looks up from his plate* Thank me for what?

Jennifer: For just always being there, y’know? I know the last year and a half was difficult for the both of us, that we were on different paths and such. And for me to just come back and you with open arms and then just… be where we’re at now. Just, thank you. You didn’t have to.

Milo: I wanted to, Pep. I’ve always been in love with you, and for you to tell me you came back to NYC for me, I think my fate was sealed. You don’t need to thank me. I think I’m the luckier one out of the both of us.

Jennifer smiles and continues to eat. Again, Milo can’t stop staring at Jennifer. They spent the majority of our lives together, and he still feels like it’s not enough. He has the love of his life, his first-born son, and now his second child on the way; what more can a man ask for at the age of 25?

Milo: Hey, Pep, can I ask you a question?

Jennifer: No, I told my mother to bring Milo back to the apartment by 9…

Milo: Huh? No, no, not that.

Jennifer looks up at Milo and gives him her undivided attention. Milo, yet again, is taken back by his girlfriend’s beauty.

Milo: I hope this doesn’t come out too cheesy or anything, but I can’t help but remember your birthday last year. It was the first birthday that we didn’t spend together. No cake, no birthday prank or punches or surprise scares. Yeah, we’re a lot older and our traditions have changed since we were kids, but it still killed me not having to spend your birthday with you last year.

Jennifer is completely immersed in Milo’s words, yet she doesn’t know what to say.

Milo: I spent this day last year at work, came home to Milo, watch some television until he fell asleep, and then I sat in the kitchen with a bottle of wine with nothing but you on my mind. “Is she having a good birthday?” “Is she making new traditions with her fiancee now?” “Is she happy?”

Jennifer’s smile disappears and now she’s in deep thought.

Milo: I know Ihad no right to think those things back then, Pep. I mean, you were getting married and we weren’t on good terms anymore. The horrible things I said about your relationship with Cullen were inexcusable. If anything, I should be thanking you for allowing me back into your life. To even be sitting across from you in this moment. In some sense, it still doesn’t feel real.

Milo reaches out for Jennifer’s hands; the touch made Jennifer’s mind focus on the present, on what’s in front of her. 

Milo: I was stupid for letting you go the first time, Jennifer.

He takes back his hands and reaches into his pocket. After realizing what Milo was doing, Jennifer panics.

Jennifer: Milo–

It’s too late; the box is out of his pocket and Milo is now pulling his seat back to stand up.

Jennifer: *puts her arm out in front of her* Milo, please! Don’t.

Milo stops in his tracks and sits back down in his seat. He doesn’t seem to understand what’s going on. 

Jennifer: Milo, I- I’m not ready to get married.

Milo: What?

Jennifer: This isn’t what we should be focusing on right now, Mi. *sighs* Milo, there’s no doubt in my mind that I love you, but- everything is going so fast for us.

Milo: *confused* I mean, we’ve known each other for 22 years, Pep. I don’t think it’s that fast…

Jennifer: Yeah, but we were just friends, Mi. We only started dating 5 months ago and it wasn’t until 2 months in when we found out we were having a baby.

Milo’s once-glued smile fades, he looks like his heart is breaking, and Jennifer hates she caused it. 

Jennifer: Milo, look at me.

He looks up at Jennifer. She takes a second to gather her thoughts.

Jennifer: I want to get married to you.

Milo is now visibly shocked, but his guard is still up a bit. Jennifer knows this.

Jennifer: But not right now. I was engaged once already, I’m not ready to be engaged again. But I’m also not going anywhere.

She smiles to reassure Milo. The mission is successful once he smiles back at her.

Milo: So, the answer is yes?

Jennifer: No.

Milo: *scrunches his eyebrows* Huh?

Jennifer: No. But ask me again after the baby is born, after we get our lives together, as a couple, and most importantly…

She gestures him to move closer to her. He proceeds to lean across the table.

Jennifer: Ask me in the least grandioso way possible, Mi. You know this isn’t us all the time.

Milo smiles and sits back in his chair. Jennifer takes a sip of her water.

Milo: I’ll remember to ask you when you’re breastfeeding our newborn in a couple of months. Titties all out and everything.

Jennifer chokes on her water again due to her laughter. She throws her napkin at Milo as he lets out the loudest of laughs.

 

— The End —

Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: April 2020 Edition.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks not just for me but for the entire world. With COVID-19 rapidly spreading and the United States (especially New York State) being one of the hardest places that the virus has hit, it’s been nothing but rough, stressful, and frustrating not knowing what our next move is.

As I’m writing this, as a whole we are close to hitting 1 million cases of COVID-19, and by the time this is published on the blog only God knows how many more cases will there be, which is scary.

Before we continue, let’s introduce this month’s installment of:

voiceless rant

Personally, it’s kind of crazy how much I’ve digressed mentally between last month’s installment of this series and this month’s post. It’s made me realized just what keeps me happy, and it’s honestly having a routine and some productivity in my life. Having those two things allows me to concentrate on the task at hand and my present surroundings instead of being in my head 24/7, constantly overthinking things.

Now that those two things are now non-existent due to COVID-19, I find myself coming victim to what I expect to be what a lot of people are experiencing: depression.

The depression I am feeling feels very similar to the one I felt all of last year when I didn’t have the schedule and routine I depend on now. I was home for most of my weeks, I was unemployed trying to find a job that would hire me, and I had a lot of time to overthink everything and be inside my head for days on end.

Of course, I have to remind myself that no matter what, we will get through this — that I will get through this — and I’m not alone in this process. Not only do I not have control of what’s going on, everyone else is in the same boat, and the only thing we can control at a time like this is how we take care of yourselves. We can keep our mental health intact by making sure you are keeping in contact with the people you care for as well as keeping your mind as focused and concentrated as possible! Personally, for me, I try to keep in contact with my coworkers and very few friends here and there to just feel like my relationships aren’t being compromised during this pandemic and if that means that I have to make the first move and hit them up, then just so be it. 

Personally, I am keeping my mind focused and busy by writing. Not only am I writing letters for the blog, but I am getting around to start writing for the academic journal article that I started last year! Although this method isn’t for everyone (if you simply don’t feel motivated or well enough to pick up a new skill or work on a passion project, that’s perfectly fine) and remember that we are all different and we all cope differently! Personally, for me, I feel my happiest when I’m busy and productive and working on something or towards something. Because I control my emotions, I’m going to do what’s best for them.

I hope everyone is going through this scary time as taking care of themselves because honestly, that’s all we can control in life. Sure, things may not go our way and the simplest things are now some of the most stressful things to do, but we just have to go through the motions, and that includes how we react to whats going on around us and how we take care of our mental health as well as our physical health.

Stay safe, and take care!

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Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: The “Sorry, Not Sorry” Queen.

liz

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I used to say sorry for the things I wasn’t even sorry for.

My worst nightmare was having confrontations with people I cared about the most only because I was always afraid of losing them for good. It was either I said sorry for having this confrontation in the place, or I was sorry for even having an opinion or say in the fighting subject at hand. I was always sorry, but the people I was saying sorry to never thought it was enough, and at every chance they had, they would make me feel bad enough to the point where I needed to say sorry.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’ve stopped saying sorry for the things I’m not sorry about.

A lot of my “saying sorry” habit developed a lot during my teenage years; there’s a lot of trauma I came to face during those important years of my life and the aftermath of all of that caused me to become extremely anxious around people. It later in life became social anxiety disorder and depression.

It wasn’t even the fact that I allowed people to step all over me when I was younger, it was the fact that I never had any self-confidence, and I always believed that if someone was mad or upset with me, it had to be my fault even when I knew I was in the right in some situations. I could name dozens of scenarios where I knew I was in the right in some arguments, and I still said sorry.

Don’t get me wrong: this isn’t my Capricorn stubbornness speaking and saying “I know I’m always right”, because I’m not – but I wasn’t always wrong either. The thing about saying sorry is that it takes a person to see past their own emotions and prides in order to make things right with the person you want to resolve things with. Of course, saying sorry too much loses its meaning, and because I was saying sorry even when I actually meant it, “sorry” began to become something that no one believed with me.

So, I stopped saying it whenever I didn’t have to say it.

And that’s how I started to see the weeds in my garden full of beautiful flowers.

With the help of my therapist and just simply being tired of the outcome of the relationships in my life, I started to challenge myself and those around me who always thought that they would get an apology out of me. No longer was I apologizing for causing the confrontation or being the stimulus of them, I was apologizing for the things I was able to control, which was the behavior I showcased during the confrontation and anything hurtful I said out of anger. Again, things that I’m able to control.

What I couldn’t control anymore was the feelings and behavior of the other people in these confrontations with me. I couldn’t help how people felt about me, and I couldn’t change their minds about me no matter how hard I wanted to.

And that’s been one of my toxic traits: wanting people to feel the same way about me the way I felt about them.

I’ve always wanted people to get past the confrontation and just move on from it because it was either something not fighting about, or it was something I couldn’t control or change. You could only say sorry so many times before you’re tired of doing so because getting the person’s forgiveness seems to become more difficult as time passes. So, I stopped and started to speak up for myself.

Not saying sorry all the time allowed me to prioritize my feelings and let the other person in the confrontation know how I felt. I started to call people on their bullshit because, well, people would call me out on mine and I’ve learned to adapt the fact that honesty is the best policy, even if things don’t always turn out in your favor. If you could be understanding of the other person’s feelings but that understanding isn’t reciprocated back, then that’s not a relationship you want to have in your life. 

One of the very last conversations I had with someone close to my heart was me not being sorry about how I felt. It was how I felt, and I wasn’t apologizing for my honesty. Because that’s the thing, one person’s honesty about something is another person’s answer. In this case, it was my honesty towards my previous relationship. I was sorry that it took me so long to take the rose-colored glasses off and be honest about how I was feeling about some of the issues we both put under the rug. I wasn’t sorry for being honest with my feelings, even if it resulted in a break-up. In the end, I believe we’re both in better places now in our lives, and just want nothing but the best for each other.

Sorry for once being your go-to sorry girl in the past. This woman ain’t having it though.

Demi Lovato Sorry Not Sorry GIF - DemiLovato SorryNotSorry ...

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