Author: liz

What the hell am I going to even say?

I possibly went the longest way to my parents’ apartment because I just wanted to avoid this conversation at all costs. Dad is going to be livid. Mom is just going to be confused. I’m just going to sit there and look at them while I give them the biggest news of their lives besides being pregnant with Willow.

Man, maybe I should’ve brought over a bottle of wine or something, loosen them up a bit. I turned the corner and saw the apartment building. This is it.

I walked up to their apartment building and rang the bell. I could vaguely hear my mom on the intercom before she let me in. This is it.

I’ve been meaning to have this conversation with my mom for weeks now. I kept avoiding it just because I didn’t know what to say when this time would come. Do I just rip the band-aid off and tell them what’s going on? Do I try to lead my way into it until they expect what’s to come? I seriously don’t know how well or horrible this is going to go, but here we are.

The door opens once I walk in front of it. My mom stands in front of the door, wondering what I was doing at their apartment this late into the night. She immediately lets me in, already asking me questions.

“Is everything alright? Whatcha doing here so late? Where’s Willow?” Mom was asking questions without taking a breath.

“Mom, I’m fine. Willow’s with… her babysitter. I didn’t want to take her out so late.” Mom looked like she was going to be sick to her stomach. For someone as tough and carefree as my mother, she sure does worry a lot about me.

“Are you okay though?” Mom insisted I wasn’t since I was here.

“Yes. I just wanted to talk to you about… something.” Fuck, I couldn’t even lead my way into it. Mom sat on the sofa, waiting for me to sit down with her. I could tell that Dad wasn’t home; he’s actually the one that answers the door when we come over and he’s usually the first to greet us. I kinda wish I was having this conversation with him just because Dad was just… not as scary as Mom.

“What’s going on?” She asked as I was sitting down on the sofa.

“I just–” Fuck. How do I word this correctly? How do I tell my mother the one thing that I think she’s wanted to hear form me since she met me? She never took her eyes off of me. Sometimes I look at her and wonder how could she be this worried about me now and not when I was younger? Don’t get me wrong, I love my Mom and I’ve let that part of my life go in the past, but sometimes I just wonder if this was the same person who was once my age, living her dream as a dancer, not being a mom. Sometimes I think if I’m really over it now that I’m a mother myself, wanting to be better and do better for my daughter, but sometimes I just feel like I truly am my mother’s daughter.

I took a deep breath. Just let it out already.

“Is Aunt Jennifer still looking for someone to take over the business?”

Mom didn’t think much of it. I could tell because she didn’t put too much thought into it.

“I think so, she’s about to retire this year and wants to have the business sold before she does it. Why?” She asked. She fucking knows.

“Just asking.” I readjusted myself on the sofa, looking at my phone once it vibrates. It’s a picture that Jamie sent of him and Willow playing together. I smiled to myself. This is why.

I put my phone back to my side and looked back up to Mom. I honestly just have to say it and let it be heard because if I don’t, I’m going to regret it. I gotta do this for Willow.

“I was thinking about taking it over.” I finally said. Mom turned her head to the side, visibly confused at what’s going on.

“You have a job though… a very tedious job, might I add.” I could tell Mom still felt strongly about the fact that I went into law instead of dance. I just felt like at the time, law was more practical, and I really did much enjoy it. I still do, but I feel like I’m not living my life the way I want to live it. I want to be able to come home and see my daughter when I have her. I want to be able to take Willow whenever I can so that Max doesn’t always have to have her. I want to be present for my daughter, watch her grow up and see the person she becomes. My job will not let me do such thing.

“I’m leaving the firm.” I admit.

“What? Are you insane, Grace? You haven’t trained in years, you don’t know how to even run a business, and there’s even more work that goes into having this business. Why do you think I didn’t take over the business when I was younger?” Mom was not having it.

“I could do all of that again. It’s a risk I’m willing to take, I–” Don’t say it, Grace. “I don’t want to be a lawyer anymore.”

“You just became one not too long ago. You haven’t even fully gotten the chance to break everything in. Grace, you are going to be wasting years of your life because you don’t want to do the hard work anymore.” Mom had this thing of always saying the things that really got to me. We were a lot alike, which meant we thought a lot alike, and I hate the fact she pretty much said what I’ve been thinking out loud the entire time since I first had this thought.

“It’s not that I don’t want to do the ‘hard work’, it’s the fact that I don’t want to live my life case after case and not be present.”

“And you think taking over a business is the way to go?” Mom was truly astonished at this conversation. Dad would’ve been understanding… possibly.

“At least I can come home at a decent time to spend time with my family, Mom.” I spat out. I knew it would hurt her, because she was hurting me in that moment. I think in the decade we’ve gotten to know each other, we know just how how far both of us are willing to take things. Maybe I took it too far this time? She doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.

“Are you and Max working things out?” Mom just knows how to get me on my nerves.

“No, we’re not.” I disgustingly answered. She totally can’t see where I’m going with this conversation and it’s so frustrating. She has to know what she’s doing.

My mom sat in her seat, visibly confused at what’s happening. She readjusts herself while she’s in her thoughts.

“I don’t understand what you mean then; doesn’t Willow live with Max?” She has to know now I’m visibly pissed; I mean, I got off the sofa and practically yelled at her for saying what she did.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t wanna be home when I have Willow, Mom! God, how the fuck can you say that?” I spat.

“Grace Renee Ashmore, you may be an adult, but remember I am still your mother.” Mom sternly stated.

Maybe I still struggle with the fact that I didn’t have her in my life when I was growing up. Maybe there is a part of me that still carries resentment because I became a mother myself and I can’t see myself just not being in Willow’s life. Maybe to an extent, I can understand why she didn’t want to be a om at a young age; in some ways I tell myself at night that I wish I wasn’t worrying about another human being.

But, I do, and I can’t stop myself from not worrying and caring about Willow because I love her too much. How did Mom not see that when I was a baby? How was she able to just pack her shit up one day and decide that she didn’t want to be in my life anymore? Maybe I never forgave her.

“Yeah, well being around for my young adult years doesn’t count considering you weren’t there for the rest of my life.” I said. Did I mean it? Not really. My life without my mother was one that I didn’t think much about. My dad made sure I was always well taken care of and always surrounded by my Uncle Mason and Grandma. I’m grateful to have the opportunity to now have a relationship with my mother, but it’s still a difficult relationship to have.

Mom looked discouraged. She got up from the sofa, and walked into the kitchen. I don’t know if she was coming back or not. Something told me this conversation wasn’t over; it was me and mom for fuck’s sake.

After a while, I got up from the sofa and went to the kitchen to apologize. It didn’t feel right to me that I came here to tell her and ask her something, yet I insulted her in the process. To my surprise, she was walking out of the kitchen when I reached it. She walked past me, and sat on the sofa with a cup of coffee in her hand. Mom.

I went to sit back down, this time in the chair across from the sofa. I figured she didn’t want to be near me after saying that, but I also knew that she wanted to say something. It’s Mollie Sue Castro, for fuck’s sake.

“If you felt that way, you should’ve said something.” In that moment, I didn’t know what she was talking about, but after a little while, I realized she meant she was talking about us.

“Mom, I–“

“I didn’t want to. But I also knew that I couldn’t do it, and you didn’t deserve that. Growing up, at least.” Mom admitted. I fucking get it, and I hate that I do because it’s the same goddamn reason why I don’t live with Willow. I didn’t say anything back, I didn’t feel the need to and I don’t think she wanted me to say anything. She simply just drank her coffee until she changed the subject.

“I can’t tell you what to do, Grace, You’re an adult and if this is what you want, then it’s what you want. But, this business means a lot to Jennifer; it also means a lot to me. We would hate for you to take over and then a few months into it want to sell it because you changed your mind again.”

“I studied dance for the first two years of college. I got the damn scholarship for Julliard and was trained by only the top of professionals. I know I’m not where I could be, but I’ll get there.” That was the honest truth. Mom just sat there, listening to me for the first time that night.

“Be prepared for it to be a whole lot of work, Grace.” Mom simply said. She finished her coffee and got up from the sofa. I sat there, not knowing if things were better or not between us. Mom had a weird way of letting things go; maybe I’m just looking at a version of myself I’m not aware of in the moment.

From the kitchen, my mom yells out to me.

“Your father should be home soon, I advice you to get going before he does and we will talk about how to break this news to him at a later date.”

I got up from the sofa and grabbed my purse. I walked to the kitchen and hugged Mom. She was taken back by it, and when I let go, she let out an apologetic look.

“I’m sorry.” She said.

“I understand.” It was all I could say to her about our situation. I walked out the door to head on home.

—

Walking down the hallway after getting off the elevator, I felt this wave of ease, excitement, and most definitely exhaustion. I was tired after this extremely long day. Waking up to Jamie, running my errands, and having this conversation with Mom; it was something I just wanted to sleep off.

I walked into the apartment where there was only one dim light on in the living room.

“Jamie?” I called out. I expected him to be in the living room when I got home, or at least reading a book or drinking a cup of coffee; something Jamie related. I walked into Willow’s room to see if she was at least in bed for the night, and to my surprise, I found them both in her room.

Willow was out like a light, holding her favorite little plushie while she slept. And then there was Jamie, laying down on the floor with a pillow under his head. He looked peaceful when he slept. I couldn’t help but smile at him. Why does coming home to him feel absolutely amazing?

I got down on my knees and began to wake him up.

“Jamie?” I whispered as I gently shook him awake. He opened his eyes in shock and immediately saw me. He relaxed as he did so.

“Let’s go to bed.”

I remember when Aerin, my first niece, was born. I was visiting one day after my classes at the university and Mina was on the phone, talking to her husband. I remember sitting in her living room, playing on my phone while Aerin was in her walker, walking around the living room, being the absolute cutest. I hear Mina raising her voice, talking about something that her husband didn’t get around to doing. I hear the beeping of the phone and she comes into the living room, stressed out.

“Hyeongkwan forgot to do the one important thing that needed to be done today. What am I going to do now? It has to be done before they close later today and I have no idea how I’m going to travel an hour away with the baby.”

I looked at Aerin, then back up at Mina.

“I’ll watch her for you.” Mina shook her head, trying to gather things that were left in the living room. Mina always panic-cleaned when she was stressed.

“I wouldn’t ask you to do that for me, Jamie.” She protested.

I got up from the sofa to face Mina.

“Noona, she’s my niece. If you need someone to watch her while you handle this business, then I can watch her.” I smiled at Mina to reassure her everything was going to be fine. “Besides, it’s just one baby; It can’t be that hard to watch her.”

I learned that day that sometimes, you just have to eat your words.

Little bean was a calm baby. She never seemed fussy or upset; she simply played with her toys as I sat on the rug with her. She’s definitely got so much bigger since I last saw her. From what Grace told me last year, Willow was not only an April baby, she was a April baby that had the same birthday as me. In Korea, when someone shares the same birth year as you, you’re considered friends. Well, Willow and I are technically not friends, but she’s definitely a buddy of mine.

I never considered myself to be a person that wanted kids. I felt like I had no business having my own kids with the type of work I was into. I simply didn’t want to bring someone in this world if I knew I wouldn’t be present for them. I wonder if Grace ever felt that way? I know Little bean was unplanned, but I wonder if Grace thought the same way: don’t plan to have kids if you knew you couldn’t be there for them.

Nevertheless, Little bean has brought something out of me in the months I’ve known Grace. She has such similar qualities to her mother; she’s tiny and quiet, but when she wants something, she is persistent in getting it. I watch as Little bean squealed in excitement over a toy she was holding.

“She never lets anyone hold her,” Grace sat across from me that day in the cafe. It was only the second time I actually saw Grace in person since we first met. I was surprised to see her this time with a baby stroller next to her. I knew she was in her mid-20’s, but she didn’t strike me as a person who was in the career she was in and come home to a family. She had to be married if she had a child.

She seemed really happy that her daughter was not being finicky int his moment. Her daughter sat in my lap, calm, chewing on her teething toy. I continued helping Grace with her paperwork and asking the basic law questions, but Grace was distracted in what was happening between her daughter on my lap. I stopped talking and looked down at the child, who looked up at me.

“I’m sorry, I’m still very shocked about Willow. She must really like you.” Grace said as she put down her pen. I smiled and looked at Grace.

“We’re best friends now.” I jokingly said.

I watched as Little bean stood stop and dragged her toy across the rug to her other toys. She returned back with a toy and handed it to me.

“You brought me a friend?” I held the puppy plushie as she smiled. I placed the toy on my lap and saw her continue playing with her toys. She would occasionally look back at me to see if I was still here with her. I would nod and smile at her, and she would immediately go back to playing. Watching her was extremely easy, of course it was time to put her to bed.

Little bean is a crier when she wants to be; I learned that early on being with Grace. When she was working on her case, she would try to put Willow to bed and it always took longer than expected. Maybe Little bean just doesn’t like to fall to sleep, but she definitely gets cranky when you wake her up from her sleep.

She just wouldn’t stop crying no matter how much I bounced her in my arms. I finally put her down in her crib and sat on the floor next to it. She looked through the bars of the crib like she was in a prison cell.

“Little bean, you have to get some sleep. Mama will be home soon.” I started to get up from the floor and she screamed in protest. I looked down at her, suddenly obeying her demands.

“Do you want me to stay?” Willow said nothing in response, but she did stop crying for the moment. I take one of the pillows from the rocker and place it on the floor; I was exhausted from the long day with Little bean.

“Hey, Little bean,” I started to talk to Willow as if she is willing to actually engage and answer me back. I looked up at the ceiling, laying in Little bean’s room like it was a confession.

“Something’s up with Mama,” I admitted. “She’s taking longer than usual, don’t you think?” I looked over at the crib. Willow just lays there with her favorite seal plushie.

“I hope she’s okay. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to her.” I pondered on the thought. It’s crazy to think that we both survived half a year without being in each other’s presence and still worry about her. I know she was coming back, but I was anxious how she would come back. Would she be happy? Would she be sad? Would she come home in tears, and I would have to hold her until she fell asleep? Grace was unpredictable, and something tells me this “errand” was a serious one to run.

I turned my head to see Little bean laying down, playing with her plushie as she looked at me.

“Did I ever tell you how much I love your Mama?” I don’t know what came over me, but I felt like telling Willow because if anyone is the one person that is important in Grace’s life, it’s her daughter. I know she can’t understand what I’m saying, but I felt like she needed to know. Willow needs to know that her mom is the greatest person ever. Grace never gives herself enough credit. She thinks she’s not good enough, especially when it comes to taking care of Willow. I don’t understand her logic behind it, but I know she struggles with ever feeling right about it, but I still hope she knows that she’s amazing, beautiful, hard-working…

I don’t remember much after saying what I said to Willow. Maybe I drifted in my thoughts straight to sleep; maybe I was just that exhausted that I don’t remember anything after that. But, I’m assuming Little bean went to sleep along with me; she definitely was the supervisior in this situation.

The morning sun comes in through the window. It shines in Grace’s eyes as she turns her body in the bed. She opens her eyes, blocking the sunlight with her hand. She notices that the space next to her is empty. She wonders why it is.

Grace gets up from the bed; she’s wearing nothing but an over-sized t-shirt and underwear. She takes a hair tie on the nightstand and ties her curly red hair up. She walks out of the bedroom to see an interesting sight; one she hasn’t seen in quite some time.

Jamie turns around and faces Grace, with Willow in his arms. Grace smiles at the sight.

Grace: Sorry if she woke you up.

Jamie: Don’t be. Who needs to set an alarm when little bean is your alarm?

Grace giggles to herself and takes Willow from Jamie to place her in the playpen. Grace turns around to see Jamie near the stove in the kitchen, preparing coffee for the two of them. She notices that Jamie is wearing a pair of sweatpants and a tank top; she smiles, knowing he most likely found that in the same spot in her closet that most of his clothes once were before his move a couple of months ago.

Jamie turns around and faces Grace, handing her a hot cup of coffee.

Jamie: How’d you sleep last night?

Grace: Pretty well. And you?

Jamie: Better than I did the night before on the airplane back here.

Grace took a sip of her coffee and nodded in agreement.

Grace: Man, that sounds so brutal to do.

Jamie: It could be. One day you should try it for yourself.

Grace smirked as she takes another sip of her coffee.

Grace: One day.

They silently drink their coffee before Grace starts the conversation again.

Grace: So, what type of work are you trying to look for while you’re here?

Jamie: *sighs* Honestly, I would even probably take up dog-walking if it gives me some extra cash while I’m here.

Grace ponders the thought and plays with the rim of her coffee mug.

Grace: Why don’t you apply for a position at my firm?

Jamie looks up after taking a sip oif his coffee; shocked.

Jamie: Really?

Grace: Yeah. They’re looking for a position that’s opening up after someone left, I think you’d be a great addition to the firm.

Jamie: You think so?

Grace: Yeah. They would be stupid not to hire you with the experience you have under your belt.

Jamie smiles as the doorbell rings. Grace looks at the door, then back at Jamie.

Grace: Who the hell is ringing my bell this early in the morning?

Grace walks to the door and opens it. Her eyes widen in shock.

Cami: The best auntie and uncle are here in the house!

Cami and Emerson enter the apartment. Grace shockingly stands back and looks over at Jamie.

Cami: We are ready to give Willow a day of fun and–

Cami notices the man sitting at the kitchen table.

Cami: Oh, well helloooo there!

Grace gives Cami a stern look. Emerson stands next to Cami, trying to keep her quiet. It doesn’t work.

Cami: Is something going on? Did we come at the wrong time or…?

Emerson: Cami–

Cami: What? Just asking a well-needed question!

Jamie hides his amusement with the palm of his hand.

Grace: *defeated* Cami, Em; this is Jamie. Jamie, these are my friends, Cami and Emmie– *corrects* Emerson.

Jamie gets up from his seat and says hello while bowing. Cami genuinely looks confused, and is about to curtsy. Grace stops her from doing so.

Emerson: It’s nice to meet you. t’s nice to finally put a name to the face.

Grace glares at Emerson.

Jamie: You two as well.

Cami: *interrupts* So! Is Willow ready yet? We have a whole day planned for our favorite little human!

Grace: Yes, let me just get her bag for you and things.

Grace walks into the room; Cami and Emerson are in the common room area with Jamie.

Cami: So, where are you from?

Emerson: *embarrassed* Cami!

Jamie: *laughs* I’m from Korea.

Cami: Ahhhh, interesting. Must be a lot of good looking men in Korea.

Emerson: *to Cami* Do you not see me standing here, babe?

Cami: *dismissive* Oh shut up, as if you’re not part Korean-American.

Jamie laughs at the banter. Everyone looks towards the door when Grace walks out with Willow’s things and Willow in her arms.

Grace: Okay, so here are Willow’s things. If you need anything don’t hesitate to call me for questions.

Cami: Relax super-mom, we got this! Go and *air quotes* run your errands.

Grace: That’s exactly what I’ll be doing; running errands.

Emerson picks up Willow’s bag while Cami holds Willow and they walk out the front door. The door closes behind them as Grace and Jamie sit at the kitchen table. Nothing is said between them, they just look at each other and share a mutual understanding of the silence. Grace begins to nod her head in thought.

Grace: Man, those errands… those damn errands.

Jamie nods in agreement. He looks at Grace when she speaks.

Jamie: Errands.

Grace falls into the bed, Jamie on top of her. He kisses her softly and tangles his fingers in her red hair. Her back arched to his touch. Jamie’s arms hover her in the tank top, she holds onto his arms and smiles, ultimately breaking their kiss.

Grace: Been working out, huh?

Jamie smiles down at her.

Jamie: Maybe.

Grace grabs Jamie by the back of his neck and pulls him down to kiss him. He doesn’t protest, he simply melts in her arms, within her touch.

—

The couple lay under the sheets; Grace has her head against Jamie’s bare chest as he brushes her hair with his fingers.

Grace: How is Korea during the summer?

Jamie looked down at her, pondering the motive for Grace to ask such question.

Jamie: It’s beautiful. The weather can get hot here and there but, it’s great to walk through Seoul and just see everyone enjoy the warmer weather. A lot more street food is displayed. When I first moved out of my parent’s house, I didn’t make much money, and a lot of the dinners I had in the summer were just from food carts.

Grace: How old were you when you moved out?

Jamie: I was 20.

Grace looks up at Jamie in shock.

Jamie: Goddamn, that’s mad young!

Jamie smiles in awe.

Jamie: “Mad”. Gosh how I missed that.

Grace hides her face in Jamie’s chest as he laughs. He pulls her closer to him.

Jamie: 20 is legal age in Korea. I started university and decided to be closer to the city. It wasn’t easy, but I’m glad I did it.

Grace: Really?

Jamie: Yeah. It taught me at a young age that I can go anywhere I wanted to go without feeling like I had to stay.

Grace sits in thought. She doesn’t look back up at Jamie, she just sits in the empty space of air.

Grace: Do you ever feel like staying in one place?

Jamie sighs softly, but Grace still feels it. She instantly regrets asking the question, and attempts to change the subject.

Grace: I was totally suppose to run like a really important errand.

Jamie follows along.

Jamie: Is that so?

Grace: Yeah, I promised my mom I would see her today.

Jamie: She wouldn’t want to see Willow?

Grace looks up at Jamie, readjusting herself to get off of his chest. She covers her chest with the sheet.

Grace: It was something important that I didn’t want Willow to be around.

Jamie: *concerned* Is everything okay? Do you still have to go and see her?

Grace: *shrugs* It’s too late now, Emmie and Cami should be coming back with Willow soon.

Jamie finally sits up from the bed, the sheet barely covering his body.

Jamie: I could watch Willow for you for a bit if you want to still run that errand.

Grace: You don’t have to do that. *sighs* You probably have so much you have to do that’s… not here. Heh.

Jamie shakes his head and gets up from the bed. His naked body walks to this designated drawer to take some clothes out to get dressed.

Jamie: Gracie it’s okay if you still need to do that today. I can watch Willow while you’re away.

Grace looks up and thinks about it. Jamie gives her a reassuring look.

Jamie: Little bean will be okay, I promise.

Grace: *sighs* Fine, I’ll go.

The doorbell rings. Grace looks at Jamie and mouths “fuck”.

Grace: They’re fucking back and we’re–

Jamie: In your bedroom, naked?

Grace jumps up from the bed and grabs her clothes from the floor. She quickly puts her outfit on.

Grace: Do not come inside looking like… that.

Jamie looks down at his body.

Jamie: What’s wrong?

Grace: I will never hear the end of it from Cami if she saw you like that.

Grace closes the door behind her as Jamie continues to get dressed. He looks in the vanity mirror to notice a nice “little” mark on his body. He touches it.

Jamie: *shakes head* Aigoo, jagiya.

What in the actual fuck am I doing?

I don’t know what came over me. All I know is that I when I snapped out of it, my hand was holding and pulling his arm back towards my apartment door. He didn’t protest, he simply walked back to my apartment with me until we went back inside.

I let go of his hand once we got inside and closed the door behind us. I looked back at him; he genuinely looked confused as to why he was back in my apartment after shortly kicking him out. His eyes looked comforting, and all I wanted to do was hug him and have him hold me through the night.

I let go of his hand once we got back into my apartment; he looked around the apartment wondering what was he doing back here after I just kicked him out no longer than 10 minutes ago. I turned around to finally face him. I wasn’t able to completely take him in the first time, but I realized just how much more different he looked. His hair was a little longer with his roots starting to come in. His shoulders were broad and fit; he looks like he’s been working out more. He even seems to be a bit more casual looking, not constantly wearing things that seemed to be more business suitable like he used to. He definitely seems like he just landed… oh my god, did he just land in America?

I took a deep breath and walked over to the kitchen counter, I took two glasses down from my cabinet, and a bottle of wine. I gently poured it into the two glasses and handed one over to Jamie. He walked forward, took the glass, and nodded.

“Thank you.” It’s like we both knew that we had shit to talk about; our bodies just gravitated towards the sofa once again, this time we sat on the same sofa, just on opposite ends. He placed his glass on the coffee table and looked at me. I didn’t look at him back right away, but I know he was waiting for me to explain why I just let him back in here. I took the largest sip I could before I placed my almost empty glass on the table. I looked back up to him; he looked confused, hurt; sad.

“I’m sorry about earlier, I just…” I paused before continuing. “didn’t know what to do.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry I came here unannounced. I should’ve at least waited a little bit before I came.” Jamie’s voice was deep and low. I know he would do that when he knew Willow was put down for a nap or was in bed for the night. I didn’t expect him to remember such things; but it seemed like he did. I smiled to myself.

“It’s okay.” I nearly whispered. Nothing much was said after that, but I realized that my thoughts were coming back. The last 6 months have been absolutely fucking hell for me. I feel like they were the longest 6 months but I also don’t remember much of what happened within those months. I found myself going into places I thought I was never going to go back to. It’s not because of Jamie, and I have a feeling that Jamie thought it was because of him that I seemed so… broken. I wasn’t broken, I felt more lost than anything. I felt like I was going to lose my daughter for good. I thought about quitting my job after hours of not giving myself the necessary breaks at work. I thought I was going to have such a mental breakdown due to the sadness and anxiety and stress of everything happening to me. I knew all I wanted was for Jamie to just hold me and let me cry and go through it until I felt better. But he couldn’t, so I never could get better.

Yet him coming here tonight felt cathartic. I felt like everything that has happened and all the sadness I felt disappeared when I saw him. He came back, he was back; he’s here at home with me. But fuck, he probably has to go back soon and I don’t think I can handle him leaving America again. So what do I do? Distance the shit outta myself so that I don’t get too attached? It didn’t work, because if it did, my body wouldn’t have had open the door in such hurry, run down my hallway to the elevators where Jamie was standing to leave. I couldn’t let him leave again.

“I meant what I said earlier. I came back for you.” Jamie admitted.

“Why though?” I said without even thinking. I guess I said it because I was thinking it; why would someone fly almost 14 hours to come and see me? What made me so special for him to come back and just hours later appear at my door? I didn’t understand why, out of all things, he would do that for me. Nobody ever wanted to stay long enough to deal with me. People who live 15 or 30 minutes away didn’t even come and check up on me when things got bad. But Jamie did, and I don’t understand why he would do such thing.

Because let’s be honest: I’ve been a total bitch. I ran away after I desperately called him and told him to come back home to me. I felt stupid for leaving a message like that. I didn’t know how his life was going; was he dating? Engaged? Fucking living his life to the fullest without thinking about me because I was a part of a moment in his life that was now over? I didn’t want to be the one that was missing someone that didn’t miss me back, but apparently I was wrong, and I feel horrible about it.

Jamie looked perplexed; he seemed like he didn’t understand what I was asking, or maybe he did and he just didn’t know how to answer it because to him, the answer was obvious. Why wasn’t it as obvious to me as it is to him?

“Because you matter to me.” Jamie responded. Dammit Jamie, why are your answers so simple and straight to the point?

“When do you go back?” Fucking hell, Grace. The man just confessed that he came back for you.

Jamie cocked his eyebrow up in confusion. He picked up his glass of wine from the coffee table and began to down it. Fuck, he’s upset. He’s about to leave.

“I’m sorry for asking that, I– Don’t go.” I pleaded. Jamie just stared at me, completely in awe at what was happening.

“I told you, I’m not going anywhere.” Jamie sternly stated. Man, I felt like a complete whipped dumbass.

Jamie placed his glass down and readjusted himself on the sofa. He looked at me with his soft eyes. He knew I was anxious and he knew I was definitely judging myself for acting the way I’m acting. I couldn’t help myself. People don’t come back to me. I hold onto people until they hurt the ever living shit out of me.

“I’m here on a 90-day visa.” Jamie stated. Three months? That’s it?

“But,” Jamie continued. I looked back up to him to continue listening. “I’m looking for work here, which will allow me to stay here for the next year.

I didn’t say anything. One year with Jamie? Spending more birthdays together, more seasons together, more holidays together? What would a whole year with Jamie be like? I find myself smiling at the thought, and I guess he caught on because he started to smile as well.

“You seem happy about that.” Jamie teased. I hid my face with the palm of my hand. Fuck. I really am though. I look at him and take a deep breath.

“I mean, it’s definitely a great thing to hear.” Jamie laughs, and he seems to get closer to me. My body immediately moves closer to his and now he has his arm around me. I think back at all of the times I sat on this sofa without his touch these last couple of months. I remember never wanting to hit here because it would never feel the same without Jamie sitting next to me, holding me as I leaned against him.

I guess the wave of emotions began to hit me again because I began to ask questions that really shouldn’t have been asked out loud.

“Why did you stop contacting me?” Jamie looked at me, I felt his body tense up a bit. Way to go, Grace. Here you go fucking shit up.

“I couldn’t. The number you called me from began to say it was out of service.”

“Online? Through friends? I mean you could’ve asked someone what my info was, Jamie.”

“Your friends didn’t even know you stopped talking to me.” I moved away from Jamie and looked at him confused.

“You spoke to my friends?” I questioned.

“Ari called me to tell me to call you. She didn’t know we’d stop talking at that point.”

“Why would she call you for? How did she get your number?”

“Grace,” Jamie simply stated and I stopped. I got up from the sofa and headed towards the kitchen for another glass of wine. I guess Jamie followed me because I realized once I started to pour the wine into my glass, Jamie stopped me. “I don’t know how she got my number, but she was worried about you at some point and thought it would be best for me to reach out to you. I told her I couldn’t, that we’d stopped communicating for a while at that point–“

“So you just came back because you felt sorry for me?” Grace, what the fuck are you doing? I saw Jamie becoming irritated at the conversation. I didn’t mean to, and I wish I was able to control my damn mouth and my thoughts, but I couldn’t help myself.

I couldn’t help but think about the months that passed by when I was alone and didn’t talk to Jamie. Why would I be mad at Jamie if i was the one that blocked him from contacting me? Possibly because I expect him to go at great lengths to find me if he really cared about me. But I realized that in him respecting my space, for giving me what I wanted, and for doing something that he thought was what I wanted, shows just how much respect he has for me. I was being the irrational one in this situation, but I still felt hurt. I still wanted him to be here because he wanted to, not because he was told that I wasn’t doing well. I wanted him to say no, that he was here for me and that he wanted to come back because he loved me because I love him and I don’t know how to explain–

“I’ve been saving up since I went back to come back here for you, despite your friend telling me what was going on. I needed time to get my shit together, Grace.”

I didn’t say anything. I just crossed my arms and leaned against the counter uncomfortably. He stood there looking down at me, wondering what was going to happen next. Something in my chest told me to do it. Something told me that was all I needed to hear in order to finally be somewhat at ease. He’s been wanting to come back since he first left. He’s here because he wanted to be here. Maybe he really does love me the way I love him.

I grabbed Jamie by his shirt and kissed him hard. At first, Jamie seemed hesitant, but he quickly gave in and began kissing me back. Fuck, it’s been so long since I felt his lips on mine. In that moment, I don’t know how I went months without Jamie here holding me and kissing me. In this moment, I don’t remember how these last couple of months went, all I remember is Jamie lifting me up and placing me on the counter, continuing to kiss me. I ruffled his blonde hair, grabbed the back of his neck as his hands were on my body. A moment later, we came back up for air, looking at each other face-to-face.

“I missed you.” It was the honest truth. I missed him more than I missed anything in a really long time. He smiled and gently kissed me again. He said something in Korean that I didn’t understand, and I guess he knew that right away.

“I missed you too.” He said.

“Please don’t go.” I felt my sweater getting pulled as she cried in my chest. I felt horrible. I felt like I was leaving a piece of myself in this apartment that I would never get back. She heaved when she couldn’t breathe. I wish there was more that I can do. Hold her longer. Kiss her longer. Laugh with her longer. Wake up, go to bed, stay with her longer. Be here longer with her.

“You know I have to go back.” I said it in the most stoic way I could; she didn’t deserve to be sad over a person she met just a couple of months ago. I guess it was more so the fact that I didn’t want to be the reason she was crying, desperate even, for me to not go. I look at the time on her stove; my flight leaves in just a couple of hours and I’ve still yet packed the last of my things. I don’t want to go. I want to go back to bed with Grace, hold her close to my chest, and take in her apple-scented shampoo as I drift to sleep. It feels like I’m about to leave home.

It feels like I just returned home.

She’s standing there, holding the little bean, in shock. Her freckles disappeared as her face turned pale. She looked like she wasn’t breathing, as if she was holding her breath the entire time I stood in her hallway.

“Hi.” Is that all you got to say to her? I felt uncomfortable standing there. Grace didn’t say anything; she seemed literally tongue-tied and had no words to say. But she did, because she’s Grace Ashmore, and I know her extremely well.

I expected her to shut the door in my face. I expected her to see me once she opened that door and told me to get lost. Go back home. I’ll never want to see you again after leaving for 6 months. I expected to have all the words in the world for me, but she didn’t do any of those things. She moved to the side to allow me to walk in. She didn’t say anything, but she looked towards the apartment, waiting for me to finally get the hint to walk in. I slowly walked into her apartment.

Everything looked the same with the exception of some baby toys floating around the living room. It made me smile, knowing she was spending some quality time with little bean.

She closed the door behind us, and walked passed without looking at me. Ouch, Gracie. I stood in the middle of her apartment, trying to put together a simple sentence to start off this conversation, but she beat me to it. She always did; it’s like she knew when my mind wanted to speak out loud some anxious and nervous thoughts.

“I gotta put Willie down for bed, gimme a minute,” Grace said. She walked into the room she always did with little bean; naps, bedtime, changing time– it’s the room Grace feels the most like a mom, and I think she likes how she feels in that room.

“Man, I am exhausted.” Grace fell next to me on the sofa. I looked at her and smiled, she moved closer to me and wrapped my arm around her as we watched the fireplace light up the dim room.

“You were busy being a super mom today, Gracie.” I grinned the goofiest smile I could possibly do. Grace chuckled and readjusted herself on the sofa. She looked up at me as she placed her head on my lap. I looked down at her, stroking her hair softly.

“You were busy being super mom’s assistant today.” I laughed as she said that. I realized that helping Grace take care of the little bean was possibly the easiest thing to do. Little bean has to be the happiest, yet sassiest baby I’ve got to meet. In many ways, I see her taking after her mother so much. Grace doesn’t believe so, but I know that’s just Grace’s way of not thinking about the fact that she doesn’t see her daughter’s day-by-day growth.

“Seriously though, you’re amazing with Willie. She’s never really open with other people at aren’t Max and I.” She legitimately looked taken back. I smiled down at her and shrugged my shoulders playfully.

“I just try to help out when I can.” She readjusted herself again so that she was now on her side, head still in my lap, but now in a position where she could be comfortable and still talk to me. I remained brushing her hair.

“You’ll be an amazing dad when you get the opportunity, Jamie.” I pondered the thought. Me as a father? Maybe one day, in the distant future, when I find a woman I want to settle down with and have a family with. The thought actually saddens me.

“Yeah, maybe one day, when the timing is right.“

“Perfect timing for you to be back.” Grace finally spoke once she came back from little bean’s room. She didn’t sit next to me, but instead of the chair across from me in the living room. It was like my body wanted her to sit on the sofa with me so that it would be able to remember how it felt to be so close to Grace.

“I apologize for the surprise, I–” Don’t say it, Jamie. “I just didn’t have a way to contact you.” Aigoo. Grace looked annoyed by my comment; I don’t blame her.

“Are you on another case?” I looked at Grace’s nonchalant expression. When Grace talk about business, she becomes a different person. She’s passionate, focused, determined, and has boundaries; one’s where she doesn’t become too connected or affected by the nature of her cases.

“I’m not. I’m currently on leave.” Grace’s face softened back up; she looked concerned more than anything now.

“Wait, what? On leave? Why?” Grace was genuinely curious. I know she finds it hard for me to actually be on leave; we’re by nature the same exact person; workaholics that work ourselves to mask the fact that our personal relationships in our lives are crumbling.

I didn’t want to tell her the truth right then and there. How ridiculous does it sound that a man nearing 30 is taking a couple of months of leave because he still needs to figure his life out? That his life back at home was not what he wanted; that he wanted more, and for months he knew what he actually wanted, no matter the consequences and how long it took to get where he was before.

“I just need the break. I haven’t had one since I started working for my firm.” Grace shifted in her seat. She crossed her legs and pulled down the hem of her dress. She was wearing a floral summer dress; a red one with white flowers on it.

“And you’re in America on vacation or something?” Grace questioned. I looked back at her, in her eyes. She looks hurt, she looks angry, but she also looks so broken beyond repair. I feel horrible for possibly being the reason she looks broken; that I am the reason she is broken.

“No, I’m–” I couldn’t get the words out. To see you? To make things right? Because you feel like the closest thing to home in a really long time? What do you say to the person that you just want to tell everything to at this point? I took a deep breath and looked at Grace.

I took a deep breath and looked at Grace.

“Your lips are so cold.” Grace giggled as she shook the snow off of her her hair. I remember standing outside at a train station in Brooklyn to head back to the city. The snow is heavy and flaky, and there’s no train coming in sight.

“Sorry, with this snow falling and my lip balm being minty,” Grace explained. I pulled her closer to me, and she slips her hand in my coat pockets. “my mouth is literally frozen.” She bit her rosy pink lips as I leaned down to her height. I softy kissed her again for a moment, then looked at her.

“Any better?” I smirked as she giggled to herself. She was adorable when she felt safe and comfortable with me.

“Much better.” Grace placed her hands on my face and pulled me into her, and kissed me.

“I just wanted to. I really like New York.” Wrong answer, Jamie. Grace nodded her head.

“Cool.” Cool. That’s all that she has to say to me being here and leaving my life behind in Korea. I awkwardly nodded and looked around the apartment until Grace made an annoyed noise. I looked back up to her.

“So… why’d you come here?” Grace asked hesitantly but still in a very blunt-like way. Grace wanted answers; I should’ve known she would do this. I wasn’t ready to have this conversation with her yet, let alone feeling like she wants nothing to do with me in the process.

“You’re the only person I know in New York.” It was the honest truth, but I hoped it told more than I was saying. I hope Grace could read in-between the lines well enough to know that I am here for her. Grace got up from her seat and walked towards the kitchen counter.

“I have to get ready for tomorrow; I’m sorry to cut things short.” Grace didn’t look at me when she said that. I felt my heart hurting while she said that. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her.

I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. Her body felt soft and smooth and warm under mine. She ran her hands down my back and grabbed onto me as she moaned into the air. Her fire red hair splattered all over the pillow, her back arched at every finger that traveled up and down her body. I kissed her neck, her collarbone, her breast, her stomach; her little gasps of air excited me even more.

“Jamie,” Grace moaned my name into my ear within every stroke. I looked down at her and kissed her softly on the lips.

“Jamie?” I looked back up and saw Grace finally looking at me from the kitchen. I get up from the sofa and walk towards the front door. Tell her. Tell her. Tell her the truth. I stopped near the door once Grace walked me to the front.

“Grace–” I felt the word vomit coming up as I was leaving Grace’s apartment. I don’t know why I had to come here this late at night to see Grace. I’ve been in America for less than 24 hours and the first thing I needed to do was to see Grace. I’ve been in the dark with Grace for months on end, worried sick about her and little bean and hoping they were both doing okay. I’ve been called by her best friend multiple times pleading for me to talk to Grace because she wasn’t doing well. I felt like Grace was the thing I needed in my life the most; am I crazy for coming down here and leaving everything behind for a woman that didn’t want to talk to me for months on end? Possibly. But you do crazy things for the people you love, and even crazier things for the one you’re in love with.

“I came back to see you.” I finally let it out. Grace was speechless, not knowing what to do or say in that moment. All she did was take a deep breath and held out the front door for me.

“Goodnight, Jamie.” Grace sullenly said. I knew what she meant by that, and I accepted defeat. I walked out of the apartment, and the door closed behind me. I walked down the hallway in what felt like ages. Before I was able to press the elevator button to go back downstairs, I heard one of the apartment doors open. I turn my head to see a woman running down the hallway towards the elevator.

I suddenly felt arms arms wrapped around me tightly. I looked down and saw red hair buried in my chest.

“Please don’t go.” She muffled into my chest. I didn’t know what to do but to hold her in my arms tightly.

“I won’t.”