What in the actual fuck am I doing?
I don’t know what came over me. All I know is that I when I snapped out of it, my hand was holding and pulling his arm back towards my apartment door. He didn’t protest, he simply walked back to my apartment with me until we went back inside.
I let go of his hand once we got inside and closed the door behind us. I looked back at him; he genuinely looked confused as to why he was back in my apartment after shortly kicking him out. His eyes looked comforting, and all I wanted to do was hug him and have him hold me through the night.
I let go of his hand once we got back into my apartment; he looked around the apartment wondering what was he doing back here after I just kicked him out no longer than 10 minutes ago. I turned around to finally face him. I wasn’t able to completely take him in the first time, but I realized just how much more different he looked. His hair was a little longer with his roots starting to come in. His shoulders were broad and fit; he looks like he’s been working out more. He even seems to be a bit more casual looking, not constantly wearing things that seemed to be more business suitable like he used to. He definitely seems like he just landed… oh my god, did he just land in America?
I took a deep breath and walked over to the kitchen counter, I took two glasses down from my cabinet, and a bottle of wine. I gently poured it into the two glasses and handed one over to Jamie. He walked forward, took the glass, and nodded.
“Thank you.” It’s like we both knew that we had shit to talk about; our bodies just gravitated towards the sofa once again, this time we sat on the same sofa, just on opposite ends. He placed his glass on the coffee table and looked at me. I didn’t look at him back right away, but I know he was waiting for me to explain why I just let him back in here. I took the largest sip I could before I placed my almost empty glass on the table. I looked back up to him; he looked confused, hurt; sad.
“I’m sorry about earlier, I just…” I paused before continuing. “didn’t know what to do.”
“It’s okay. I’m sorry I came here unannounced. I should’ve at least waited a little bit before I came.” Jamie’s voice was deep and low. I know he would do that when he knew Willow was put down for a nap or was in bed for the night. I didn’t expect him to remember such things; but it seemed like he did. I smiled to myself.
“It’s okay.” I nearly whispered. Nothing much was said after that, but I realized that my thoughts were coming back. The last 6 months have been absolutely fucking hell for me. I feel like they were the longest 6 months but I also don’t remember much of what happened within those months. I found myself going into places I thought I was never going to go back to. It’s not because of Jamie, and I have a feeling that Jamie thought it was because of him that I seemed so… broken. I wasn’t broken, I felt more lost than anything. I felt like I was going to lose my daughter for good. I thought about quitting my job after hours of not giving myself the necessary breaks at work. I thought I was going to have such a mental breakdown due to the sadness and anxiety and stress of everything happening to me. I knew all I wanted was for Jamie to just hold me and let me cry and go through it until I felt better. But he couldn’t, so I never could get better.
Yet him coming here tonight felt cathartic. I felt like everything that has happened and all the sadness I felt disappeared when I saw him. He came back, he was back; he’s here at home with me. But fuck, he probably has to go back soon and I don’t think I can handle him leaving America again. So what do I do? Distance the shit outta myself so that I don’t get too attached? It didn’t work, because if it did, my body wouldn’t have had open the door in such hurry, run down my hallway to the elevators where Jamie was standing to leave. I couldn’t let him leave again.
“I meant what I said earlier. I came back for you.” Jamie admitted.
“Why though?” I said without even thinking. I guess I said it because I was thinking it; why would someone fly almost 14 hours to come and see me? What made me so special for him to come back and just hours later appear at my door? I didn’t understand why, out of all things, he would do that for me. Nobody ever wanted to stay long enough to deal with me. People who live 15 or 30 minutes away didn’t even come and check up on me when things got bad. But Jamie did, and I don’t understand why he would do such thing.
Because let’s be honest: I’ve been a total bitch. I ran away after I desperately called him and told him to come back home to me. I felt stupid for leaving a message like that. I didn’t know how his life was going; was he dating? Engaged? Fucking living his life to the fullest without thinking about me because I was a part of a moment in his life that was now over? I didn’t want to be the one that was missing someone that didn’t miss me back, but apparently I was wrong, and I feel horrible about it.
Jamie looked perplexed; he seemed like he didn’t understand what I was asking, or maybe he did and he just didn’t know how to answer it because to him, the answer was obvious. Why wasn’t it as obvious to me as it is to him?
“Because you matter to me.” Jamie responded. Dammit Jamie, why are your answers so simple and straight to the point?
“When do you go back?” Fucking hell, Grace. The man just confessed that he came back for you.
Jamie cocked his eyebrow up in confusion. He picked up his glass of wine from the coffee table and began to down it. Fuck, he’s upset. He’s about to leave.
“I’m sorry for asking that, I– Don’t go.” I pleaded. Jamie just stared at me, completely in awe at what was happening.
“I told you, I’m not going anywhere.” Jamie sternly stated. Man, I felt like a complete whipped dumbass.
Jamie placed his glass down and readjusted himself on the sofa. He looked at me with his soft eyes. He knew I was anxious and he knew I was definitely judging myself for acting the way I’m acting. I couldn’t help myself. People don’t come back to me. I hold onto people until they hurt the ever living shit out of me.
“I’m here on a 90-day visa.” Jamie stated. Three months? That’s it?
“But,” Jamie continued. I looked back up to him to continue listening. “I’m looking for work here, which will allow me to stay here for the next year.
I didn’t say anything. One year with Jamie? Spending more birthdays together, more seasons together, more holidays together? What would a whole year with Jamie be like? I find myself smiling at the thought, and I guess he caught on because he started to smile as well.
“You seem happy about that.” Jamie teased. I hid my face with the palm of my hand. Fuck. I really am though. I look at him and take a deep breath.
“I mean, it’s definitely a great thing to hear.” Jamie laughs, and he seems to get closer to me. My body immediately moves closer to his and now he has his arm around me. I think back at all of the times I sat on this sofa without his touch these last couple of months. I remember never wanting to hit here because it would never feel the same without Jamie sitting next to me, holding me as I leaned against him.
I guess the wave of emotions began to hit me again because I began to ask questions that really shouldn’t have been asked out loud.
“Why did you stop contacting me?” Jamie looked at me, I felt his body tense up a bit. Way to go, Grace. Here you go fucking shit up.
“I couldn’t. The number you called me from began to say it was out of service.”
“Online? Through friends? I mean you could’ve asked someone what my info was, Jamie.”
“Your friends didn’t even know you stopped talking to me.” I moved away from Jamie and looked at him confused.
“You spoke to my friends?” I questioned.
“Ari called me to tell me to call you. She didn’t know we’d stop talking at that point.”
“Why would she call you for? How did she get your number?”
“Grace,” Jamie simply stated and I stopped. I got up from the sofa and headed towards the kitchen for another glass of wine. I guess Jamie followed me because I realized once I started to pour the wine into my glass, Jamie stopped me. “I don’t know how she got my number, but she was worried about you at some point and thought it would be best for me to reach out to you. I told her I couldn’t, that we’d stopped communicating for a while at that point–“
“So you just came back because you felt sorry for me?” Grace, what the fuck are you doing? I saw Jamie becoming irritated at the conversation. I didn’t mean to, and I wish I was able to control my damn mouth and my thoughts, but I couldn’t help myself.
I couldn’t help but think about the months that passed by when I was alone and didn’t talk to Jamie. Why would I be mad at Jamie if i was the one that blocked him from contacting me? Possibly because I expect him to go at great lengths to find me if he really cared about me. But I realized that in him respecting my space, for giving me what I wanted, and for doing something that he thought was what I wanted, shows just how much respect he has for me. I was being the irrational one in this situation, but I still felt hurt. I still wanted him to be here because he wanted to, not because he was told that I wasn’t doing well. I wanted him to say no, that he was here for me and that he wanted to come back because he loved me because I love him and I don’t know how to explain–
“I’ve been saving up since I went back to come back here for you, despite your friend telling me what was going on. I needed time to get my shit together, Grace.”
I didn’t say anything. I just crossed my arms and leaned against the counter uncomfortably. He stood there looking down at me, wondering what was going to happen next. Something in my chest told me to do it. Something told me that was all I needed to hear in order to finally be somewhat at ease. He’s been wanting to come back since he first left. He’s here because he wanted to be here. Maybe he really does love me the way I love him.
I grabbed Jamie by his shirt and kissed him hard. At first, Jamie seemed hesitant, but he quickly gave in and began kissing me back. Fuck, it’s been so long since I felt his lips on mine. In that moment, I don’t know how I went months without Jamie here holding me and kissing me. In this moment, I don’t remember how these last couple of months went, all I remember is Jamie lifting me up and placing me on the counter, continuing to kiss me. I ruffled his blonde hair, grabbed the back of his neck as his hands were on my body. A moment later, we came back up for air, looking at each other face-to-face.
“I missed you.” It was the honest truth. I missed him more than I missed anything in a really long time. He smiled and gently kissed me again. He said something in Korean that I didn’t understand, and I guess he knew that right away.
“I missed you too.” He said.
Letters From Liz. 