Yes. I hopped on the bandwagon and binge-watched all 13 episodes of the Netflix Original Series, Thirteen Reasons Why and I actually haven’t slept because I’ve been watching it all night. It honestly made me write this post minutes after I finished the series because the series as a whole is so fucking important to tell, especially in today’s society.
I guess here are my thirteen reasons why the series and storyline are super important and how honestly left me thinking about my own experience once being a 17-year-old teenage girl in high school.
I’ve read the book about three years ago during the winter break. I got the recommendation from an actress, actually, who I was following at the time. As many of you know, Thirteen Reasons Why is about a girl named Hannah Baker, a 17-year-old high school junior who commits suicide and leaves behind a set of cassette tapes, explaining the 13 reasons (and people) that caused her to take her own life. I warn you now, the last 5 episodes of the series is extremely graphic; showing scenes of rape, abuse, and a very graphic suicide scene. If you are triggered by these sensitive topics, then watch at your own risk, honestly.
It’s really crazy to think that 2010 was 7 years ago. People who were born in 2010 are turning 7 this year. People born this year are in the 1st grade. In 2010, I was a sophomore in high-school experiencing tons of new things and was introduced to what it was really like to be a teenager. No seriously. Before 2010, I was this innocent child that didn’t do teenage things yet. This was a different type of year.
This is 16-year old Liz. A little, naive, curious teenage girl who wanted to explore every aspect of life. Regarding school, this was my first year being a part of the vocal program’s highest-ranking choir, Performing Choir. I was one of 6 sophomores to be put into the choir during this year, and the adventures I had this year with my choir members were amazing. We traveled to many places, such as various churches all throughout the borough, we went to NYSSMA and received the first ever “Gold with Distinction” award BHSA got within all of the performing arts program, and we performed at Albany for Music in Our Schools Month.
Just notice how awkward I looked standing in the front row. This day and performance was memorable because this was the first time that I noticed just how powerful we were as a choir. 25 of us sounded like 60 people singing, and a lot of these people had soul and passion in their voice. I am still honored that I was a part of such an amazing bunch. Performing Choir ’10 wasn’t just the beginning of a tedious vocal adventure and exploration I went on, but it was solely the reason how I met my best friend, Obie.
Fetus, Afro Obie. (He’s going to kill me for it.Lol)
I met Obie unofficially during my freshman year when I was in the same math class as him. Of course, I wasn’t really paying attention to my surroundings, so I vaguely remember him talking to me and making me laugh a lot. I was intimidated by him; he was a junior when I was a freshman and at first I wasn’t interested in making friends with the upperclassmen. Once I started my sophomore year, Obie was in my Physics class. I was in Physics as a sophomore because I was actually really good in science, so I was put in classes that most seniors took, and Obie was a senior when I was a sophomore. I still remember the first day of Physics, we were talking about what “e=mc²” stood for, and I remember answering most of the questions, and Obie said in the back of the class “Okay, Liz!” It made me smile, I can’t front. Later that day, I found out that he was also in Performing Choir, and that’s how we began to know each other. On October 9th, 2009, I gave him my AIM screen-name, and the rest is history.
When he gets into this pose, it means he wants his picture taken.
Obie, now 24 with a head full of dreads and a nice scruff on his face, and he’s still my best friend. He’s actually more than just that, but he’s… how do I say this without sounding like a complete cheese-ball… honestly he’s my everything. Obie and I’s friendship isn’t your typical friendship and it didn’t stay platonic for long. As mentioned in my post The “I love you” Story, our friendship developed into something more serious and connective. He’s been there through the ups and downs, the very good and very bad, and nothing has changed since. I think back at all the times we traveled together to Performing Choir performances and back, I remember sitting next to Obie, who was yelling out of the B44 bus window after NYSSMA saying, “I got gold with distinction, I don’t need this!” I remember all the trouble we got into during that summer, and all the adventures we had during it too. We’ve had a really great first year of friendship in 2010, and I wouldn’t change anything about it.
Summer 2010: Poolside in Staten Island, NY
Towards the end of 2010, I had to start my school year without my best friend being there. I managed to actually spend some time with old friends, such as my Pershing (JHS) friends during a reunion we had.
Lmfaoooo, Bianca’s face though.
As well as hang out with some new friends from my high-school (I was even invited to my very first Sweet Sixteen party!)
Nina, Angelica, and I during gym.Racquel’s Sweet Sixteen.
All in all, 2010 was a great year because I honestly thought that I grew up as a person. I had many firsts this year, and I experienced a lot of new things that I never experienced before, and I believe this was just the start of the person that I am now, aka the girl who isn’t all uptight and close-minded about things that are “bad” and “life-altering” like sex and smoking weed.
Man, I’m glad I’m not that girl anymore. Thank you, 2010!
Due to grad school being immensely demanding, today’s post isn’t about a specific year. Sorry for those who really like to see year-specific TBT’s.
Instead, I wanted to share a favorite memory of mine.
This memory takes place in the summer of 2016, aka one of the hottest friggin’ summers ever. I had just graduated college and got myself together to start grad school in the fall. Over the course of my senior year of college, I took two Acting classes to fulfill my drama minor requirements, and I met some amazing people throughout my time in that class. If you read my post about friendships, you would know that throughout my college career, I didn’t make friends. At all. I was excited to finally call these people my friends.
During the summer, we all decided that we needed to plan a hangout day immediately; we really missed seeing each other twice a week for school. After a month of getting everyone on the same schedule, we decided to have dinner in Chinatown.
This right here, is the Acting Squad. There were more of us in it, but we were the ones who were able to make it to our night out in the city. From top to bottom, left to right, it’s James, Tori, Yashira, Me, Liz, and Jalika. I met Tori, Liz, and Jalika in the first level of acting class, I met Yashira during a drama class we took my junior year of college, and I met James in the second class for Acting. Because we had an amazing professor (shoutout to Jed!), we were able to connect and become really close with each other inside and outside the classroom.
This night in particular, Tori had recommended we eat at this Ramen place in Chinatown. Definitely the best ramen I’ve had in my life. That’s not even an exaggeration.
Look at Jalika in the cut, tho.
After literally dying of laughter in the ramen place, we decided to extend our night and explore the city. We walked, a lot, and on the way we took some pictures together. (Funny story: we had a Chinese couple take one of the pictures for us. That’s how bad we all wanted to be in a picture together.)
This was totally the picture.
We walked all the way to Union Square, where I saw a #BlackLivesMatter protest happening there. It’s one thing to see it through social media, but to see it in person makes the effect of it feel more real. Instead of stopping, we just continued to walk some more, joke around some more, and stop in any place that appealed to us. Can you tell who picked to stop here?
Tori’s real love: Deadpool.
Even though we only did this once that entire summer, I will forever cherish us all being together. These people are the reason why my 2016 was amazing. These people allowed me to be myself and allowed me to be friends with them. They liked me for who I was, and I liked them for who they were.
Unfortunately, the group disbanded, and a lot of us are doing our own thing, dealing with our own classes. Tori and Jalika are wrapping up their last semester of college, Yashira transferred to a college closer to where she lives, while Liz and James are both dealing with their junior year of college. And then there’s me, dealing with grad school. Oddly enough, we all still attend the same college, but because of grad students being mainly night students, I only get to see Tori, who drives me to the bus stop on her way home. Out of everyone, I’m the closest to Tori; she was like my best friend of the group and we ended up just clicking. As for the rest, I see them doing their thing through social media, wishing that sometimes we could go back to sitting outside of 1P-218, talking and laughing and crying and rehearsing for our acting class.
This memory will forever be one of the biggest highlights of my 2016 because it’s something I will cherish for a long time. Whether we all grow apart or not, I will always be cheering them on in whatever they decide to do.
Friendship.
Love you guys.
Side note: I still wonder who wrote the tomato fantasy secret about Jed!
So, I was a junior in high-school during 2011. Although 2011 was a year of regrets and mistakes that I made as a stupid 17 year old girl, I would describe 2011 being the year that my life was mainly Performing Choir.
I was put into Performing Choir for a second year. With the major success the previous year of PC was, it became a choir that a lot of people wanted to be a part of. The previous year of Performing Choir consist of mostly seniors, and once they graduated, the question of who was going to be the next Performing Choir roamed through every single vocal major’s mind. I was grateful to be a part of such an amazing choir for another year, and I was really grateful to be more involved in the choir, whether it was helping my fellow Second-Sopranos with music, or getting minor solos in the bigger choral pieces.
If you will like to hear what Performing Choir was like in 2011, here are a few links to videos that depict just the many places that we performed and all the songs we did during this time period. (Remember, this was 2011, and video quality was still shitty…)
“Wade in the Water” performed during the Winter Concert at Brooklyn High School of the Arts.
Despite these little clips that do absolutely no justice to the real thing, we also performed at places such as Carnegie Hall, The Capital at Albany for Music in Our Schools Month, received Gold for the NYSSMA competition after singing two Level 6 songs (the highest difficulty), and at the Bronx Zoo as the musical guests for a competition.
My personal favorite throughout the entirety of 2011: the Brooklyn Philharmonic Chamber Ensemble Competition in Bishop Loughlin High School located in Fort Greene, Brooklyn.
The Winning Piece: “Lift Every Voice & Sing”
Weeks prior to this day in March, we prepared for this competition. Our vocal teacher, Mr. Williams, tried rearranging various choir members in little groups of 8, singing various songs that we knew. I remember being pulled in and out of various groups and feeling slightly discouraged that I wasn’t good enough to compete. Finally, I was put into the group that was going to sing PC’s infamous song to sing, “Lift Every Voice & Sing”. To this day, I still know all of the parts of each voice present. I was selected to sing the second-soprano section of the song, and we were one of the first to actually perform. I thought we did pretty well, but I never thought that I would be sitting in the audience, thinking the ensemble I was a part of, would win first place.
I can’t tell if we were really into the group that was performing, or the fact that we were waiting for the results.
When they announced that my ensemble had won the competition, I literally cried tears. I never felt like I was good enough in these group of people because they were all so much more talented than me, and to be a part of the winning ensemble, I really felt so good.
We literally walked from the high-school back to Downtown Brooklyn dancing and singing these different songs, and of course – the winning song.
Our last show as PC ’11 at Riverside Church on June 19th, 2011.
Like I mentioned in my 2012 #TBT post, Performing Choir was really the only good thing I would relive high school for (besides meeting Obie in 2009). I traveled to so many different parts of NYC and rehearsed so many hours these different shows that I don’t think that I ever missed one. You would think that performing at Carnegie Hall would’ve been my favorite memory, and it’s one of them. Carnegie Hall was such an amazing experience because I know that it was going to be a once in a lifetime experience, and I got the pleasure to do it for two years in a row. To rehearse in the city, on the Carnegie Hall stage… seriously so breathtaking.
Sometimes, I feel like I took advantage of my time in PC, but I think everyone did. We all look back now and see the hard work and dedication being a part of this and what our vocal teacher put into this group and the rest of the vocal program.
A former choir member, Jade Ashley, dedicated her senior project, “In Music I Trust” towards documenting the journey that the vocal program went through in Mr. William’s guidance. I was very lucky to be a part of the interview process with my best friend where Performing Choir was the place we both officially met! Such a beautiful depiction of what our vocal teacher created in his four years in Brooklyn High School of the Arts, and I believe 2011 was the peak of its success.
Our legacy still lives on in room B25. It will forever be.
Hey guys, sorry for no #TBT related post today, I just wanted to take the time out on this special milestone to personally thank you all who have been supportive of me and this blog since it launched one month ago.
In celebration of the 1-month milestone, here are some of my favorite posts I published since the launch of TNTH:
Because of you guys, I’ve been able to showcase my writing and show you guys just how passionate I am of doing so. I’ve had many of you write to me personally, expressing your interest in certain posts (definitely the #TBT ones) and letting me know just how much my writing helps them. It truly means the absolute world to me to know that there are actual people viewing my content and reading what I have to say.
Unfortunately on my side of things, this month of TNTH has been quite an eye-opener for me.
When I say that 2008 was the best year of my life, I mean it was the best year of my life. I’m so glad that I had the chance to take pictures of my friends and stuff, because I look back and see these photos and go, damn. You guys are in for a good one!
One of the hardest things to undergo in life is the aftermath of a friendship that either you or your friend decided to end. It’s not easy not going to that person anymore to gossip or share a good laugh, and it’s definitely not easy-going about your days not spending time with them.
I’ve dealt with a lot of friendship breakups, especially ones that were closest to me. At first, you feel like that person took a part of you away with them, but just like everything else in life, you learn to live without it after a while.
But with friendship breakups comes a lot of thinking and re-evaluating one self, especially if things ended abruptly. Sometimes, you may feel like you’re to blame, and other times you begin to resent your once-called “friend”. Either way, both sides of the lawn are not green in a situation like this.
So, how do you deal with post-friendship breakup emotions?
For starters, don’t convince yourself by saying that what happened “does not matter”. You know when you break up with your partner in a relationship and proceed to act like it wasn’t a big deal, but really you’re hurt or angry or whatever you could be feeling? The same feelings come through when ending a friendship as well. Convincing yourself that the end of this particular friendship isn’t a big deal is doing you and your friend no justice. Why put effort and real love for a person in a friendship if it “never really mattered”? You’re human and you’re allowed to express emotions. If you’re feeling hurt, feel it. If you’re feeling confused, feel it. Without doing so, you’re just bottling up unexpressed emotions, which is never a good thing to do.
Think back and ask yourself if the friendship is worth fighting for. Sometimes (especially girls and women) we tend to argue and fight and end friendships over irrelevant and immature situations. If you’re mad at your friend because they didn’t invite you out to the bar over the weekend or mad because your friend is friends with a person you dislike, then you need to really think if what you guys are arguing about really that life-changing. At the end of the day, these situations can be easily talked over and compromised. If you guys can agree to disagree for the sake of your friendship, then cool.
Don’t play the victim card. The absolute worst thing to do when there’s friendship mayhem between you and a friend is to make yourself the victim. Playing the victim card is something that teenagers do and when you do it in your 20’s, more drama will come out of this friendship breakup. If your friend tells you that they feel like you haven’t supported them in a while, don’t respond with “I’m always supporting you and I’m now upset because you think I don’t support you when really I do like how can you say something like that…” Blah blah blah. I always say this to people who ask me for friendship advice: if you feel a type of way when someone confronts you with something, then you are to blame. People who own up to their mistakes and take responsibility for their actions have a higher chance of fixing things with their friend. If you’re going to take everything they are telling you and throw it back at them, then your turnout for this friendship is going to end up being really messy.
If it’s a toxic friendship, end it/be glad that it ended. I’ve had my moments with toxic friendships; I think we all have. The last toxic friendship I had ended long before it officially ended, and I promise that many of you may feel like that with a friend right now. If deep down you believe that there are more cons in the friendship than pro, chances are that person isn’t really your friend in the first place. Toxic friendships can be just as damaging as a toxic relationship. Toxic friendships cause you to act out of character just to fit your friend’s perspective of you. They cause you to act differently to your other friends by singling them out of your life one-by-one. They cause you to feel different things that you are not used to, hence changing your traits and personality. If you can admit to yourself that your friendship with a person is toxic, end it immediately before things are too late.
Know your guidelines of friendship from that day forward. Because I used to keep around a lot of toxic friendships, I’ve learned to set a certain guideline for myself to see if a person is just an acquaintance or an actual friend. One of my guidelines of friendship is that no matter long or short you’ve know me, I demand support and respect from you and I’ll give you the same. People will manipulate you and say that they support you and respect you, but nothing speakers louder than a person’s actions. If their actions don’t match up to what they’re saying, then they aren’t really there for you. These guidelines will help you weed out who is truly on your level, versus those who don’t stand tall enough to be on your level.
Know your worth. A person who has a friend that constantly comes back after endless arguments or who doesn’t think for themselves will take advantage of their friend. That person will view you as simply being the friend “who always comes back”. I always say that the first time you go back is perfectly fine, the second time is okay, the third time is questionable, and the fourth time or beyond is too many chances. I say this being a person who was taken back more than four times, and it all depends on the person who is taking you back. Some people may drop you the first time shit gets rocky, and others will take you back the 10th time before they end the friendship. My preference, definitely three strikes and you’re out. If you keep forgiving the people who are constantly hurting your friendship, that person isn’t gonna think that much of you. And that’s when toxic friendships develop.
Lastly, be open-minded about new friendships. After ending almost all my high-school friendships during college, I had a problem making actual friends most of my college career. Despite not having a normal college dorm life, I never trusted anyone enough to actually reach out and have an actual functioning friendship with them. Most of my college years was just me doing my thing in order to graduate on time, and I guess once I started to be more open-minded about people, I began to make some friends in college, preferably in my Acting classes during my senior year of college. Some of those friendships aren’t as strong as they once were, but I still got the chance to call them my friends, those who have supported me and respected me as a person since we all met. Because of me being open-minded about new potential friendships, I connected with a person who I never thought in a million years I’d be friends with, Tori! Sometimes, you need to just let old things go to let new ones come in. Of course, it’s easier said than done, but if you know who you are as person, have guidelines for what a friend is to you, and if you trust yourself enough to start new friendships with new people, then allow yourself to do so! Take the risk knowing that life goes on, you grow out of old friends, and make new ones who fit the person you currently are!
Overcoming something like this doesn’t happen overnight. It could take you a couple of weeks, or it can take you a couple of years like it did for me. Your friends are an extension of who you are, so be friends with people who are just as awesome and supportive like you!
In a dark living room with just the fireplace lighting up the room, two best friends sit on their sleeping bags, drinking hot chocolate. The lights are out due to a bad thunderstorm happening outside, and everyone else in the house are sleeping. JENNIFER, a spunky, 15-year old red-head tomboy with a tough-as-nails demeanor, plays with the spoon in her mug while her best friend, MILO, an awkward, long haired, soft-spoken boy, tries to turn on his Sidekick phone. He fails.
Jennifer watches Milo, now frustrated, drops his phone on the ground and looks at the fire; the battery’s dead.
This was me. I sometimes like to call her “dumbass Liz” because, well, you’ll find out.
I’ve experienced 23 years of life, but I can only remember 19 of those years because who can actually remember anything significant before they are four years old? I’ve had my ups and downs every year, but 2012 was a different type of year for me. Five years later and I can say this was the absolute worst year I’ve ever lived. That’s not an exaggeration.
Lemme explain.
This was me on my 18th birthday. My birthday was on a school day, and for the most part, I had many people show love to me and wish me a Happy Birthday. After school, I went out with a person who was really into and infatuated with, and we both had an amazing time out and about around the city.
A week later, everything turned upside down.
I am not going to sit here and tell you what happened (it’s all on my Tuesday post on the Importance of Mental Health) but I am also not going to sit here and play myself as a victim, because I wasn’t. I will take responsibility for the things I’ve done, for the people I hurt, and for the lies that I’ve told. I wasn’t the greatest person in the world. Not only was I starting to become depressed, I started to make drastic changes without any second thought about it.
In March, I made this huge transition to being completely blonde for the first time. The process of stripping out my brunette hair color to this pale yellow/platinum blonde literally took my sister 6 hours to do. I came to school that next morning and had everyone turntheir heads towards me. I can’t lie, becoming blonde was something I enjoyed doing because it was something different and something new, and nobody in my grade had the guts to even put bleach in their natural hair. I started to stand out in the crowd, and shortly after, I started to be in more social settings.
Despite still feeling the aftermath of what happened earlier that year, 2012 was my senior year of high-school which meant “Senior Spirit Week” was a thing:
Since I went to a performing arts high school, I was also in the vocal program; a member of the highest ranking choir within the entire program: Performing Choir.
It was my third and final year being a part of such an amazing choir with amazingly talented people. (Fun fact: Ariel Tejada, aka Kylie Jenner’s Make-Up Artist, was a member of Performing Choir as well.) Performing Choir traveled around these different places and performed at different locations over the years. In 2012 specifically, we performed at Carnegie Hall, Temple University in Philadelphia, The Statue of Liberty on ABC’s Good Morning America , and in Connecticut to some place that I totally don’t remember where exactly. In the midst of my depression, Performing Choir was really the only reason why I got up in the mornings to go to school. It was my way of focusing on something that wasn’t my thoughts and problems.
Urban Word’s Brooklyn OpenMic Night @ Brooklyn Public Library.
In an attempt to cure my depression, I took on a new hobby, which was spoken poetry. I became apart of an organization called Urban Word NYC, a place where teens were allowed to go to workshops and express themselves through writing and sharing poetry. For the most part, my craft in poetry was improving a lot and I finally felt like I belonged. To this day, I feel like some of my greatest poetry came out of this era, and sadly it’s one of the reasons why I don’t write poetry anymore. It reminds me of the dark times in my life.
But like everything else, my depression and my need for someone to heal me took over. I made mistakes that hurt the very few people who still cared about me after all that happened, and I decided to leave. I haven’t been back since… I want to say October 2012.
Prom 2012. (PC: DSP)Graduation 2012.
High-school finally ended, which meant I was finally going to part ways with old and toxic friendships and head into college with a fresh start.
Boy was I wrong.
My first semester in college was horrific. This new stress piled on top of lingering old stress and issues made it hard for me to focus in school. Although I passed my classes at the end, it didn’t mean it felt good barely passing. By the end of 2012, I wanted to drop out. By the end of 2012, I let go of the little hope I had for myself and simply began to just be there in dead space. I wasn’t me anymore and by this time, I was still holding on to toxic and abusive friendships, and all the help people try providing for me began to vanish.
Central Park. (PC: Leona Lee)
The majority of my 2012 was me trying to simply fit into groups and places that I normally wouldn’t fit into and fake a smile along the way. 2012 was simply the start of my depression, and the start of one of the hardest process to live through. You see a smile on my face here, but this is what depression disguises itself to be. I look back at this and remember what I was going through this time of my life. I was on the verge of academic probation, the person who I was still infatuated with began to treat me like shit, my friendship with Obie was on its last legs, and I was still living in someone else’s shadow for my own protection.
I sometimes miss this girl because of how thinner, creative, and talented she was. But I know I don’t really miss her. I don’t miss spending my senior year of high-school crying on the bathroom floor when everyone else was out celebrating. I don’t miss seeing Obie, the person I was always secretly in love with, being with another woman and slow-dancing with her at Prom. I don’t miss the constant paranoia for my life. I don’t miss seeing myself as this awful person. I don’t miss the suicidal thoughts and self-harming sessions.
2012 was the absolute worst year I’ve experienced, but it’s the year that made me who I am today. Because of that, I am forever grateful to had experienced it that year.
Letters From Liz. 