To the Liz that was struggling this time last year,

It’s ya girl, Liz.

A lot of things changed that you aren’t aware of because you’re very busy currently being inside of your head, worrying about everything else around you in life. To be quite honest, we aren’t that different; I still struggle with some of the things you do as well, I am still learning how to balance my major depression and social anxiety disorder, and, well – I’m still trying to figure out my purpose and place on this planet.

Of course, I’ve grown since this body was living in your mindset, and I’m here to remind you that this rough patch you’re experiencing; the hopeless, sadness, and the inability to make yourself feel better isn’t always going to last.

It’s quite funny how many times I have to remind some version of myself that things will get better.

It’s like we forget that life gets hard but no matter what, we shouldn’t give up on ourselves.

Anyway, I remember the place you were at this time last year, Liz. You felt like you had no purpose, you were unemployed and so desperate to find a job, you felt unhappy in many points of your life, therapy was the only constantly good thing happening in your life, and you were dealing with some things that you didn’t know where major contributions to your undiagnosed depression.

I know you’re feeling as if there’s nothing worth living for; to be quite honest, it’s going to worsen for you as the weeks pass. But, let me remind you why I’m here today: because you were strong enough to not give up.

I got to see most of 25, and in a couple of months, I’ll get to see 26. I got the chance to cut my hair into a pixie cut and gain the confidence I now have for myself. I got the chance to start amazing projects with amazing people, find a great first job with great coworkers, and learn more about who I am. Of course, it’s not all pretty and full of rainbows: I’ve lost a lot of important elements of my life that I’m afraid I’ll never get back, I’ve had moments of feeling like a failure, moments of feeling invalidated, moments of wishing there were other people who were willing to save me from myself at times.

But, if there was anything that you taught me, it’s that you can’t save people, which means no one is going to be able to save you; only you can do that for yourself.

Don’t depend on people to be your happiness. People have to be their own happiness, and they can only add to the already happiness you have for yourself. The people in your life aren’t always going to be around, whether they’re unavailable in the moment you need them or they simply aren’t a major part of your life anymore. You have to be your own best friend, supporter, cheerleader, shoulder to cry on, and advice-giver. Yeah, it’s great if we have people in our lives who play some of these roles in your life, but at the end of the day, you have to do it for yourself.

Just like everything in life, you had to do it for yourself. You have to get out of your funks by yourself, you have to comfort yourself when things go wrong, and you have to be the reassurance figure in your life telling you that everything is going to be okay and that you’re worth it.

Once you learn how to be your own damn everything, you’ll know how to take care of yourself in times of need.

Of course, I’m not saying you can’t find some sort of happiness in others. You’ll later realize that socializing with other people, even if it’s just a customer or two, will help brighten up your days. You later realize that you’ll get to know yourself better by socializing with new people; it’s a chance to re-introduce yourself to people who don’t care about the mistakes and mishaps you made in the past. You later realize that you don’t always want to be alone in your thoughts, but another human interaction is actually quite healthy for your healing.

Liz, I’m telling you that after any bump on the road you find yourself tripping over, there’s a smooth surface with tons of things that are worth seeing through.

I know you won’t give up on yourself, it’s why I’m here, getting the chance to tell you that your decision to keep fighting is worth it, just how I know my future self will thank me for choosing to fight rather than give up.

We got this, Liz.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Let’s get straight into the meat and potatoes, shall we?

Last weekend, I went out with an old high-school friend of mine, Nina. She goes by SparklyWarTanks on her own blog, and her mission is to help others recognize and begin their healing journey of life. We definitely caught up, share some laughs, and also had some deep conversations that were honestly very needed for my own journey of self-recovery and discovery.

You see, she had me take an Enneagram test; in the psychology world, it’s basically a personality test that determines what characteristics and traits you have and how you are able to live your life according to those said things. It was relatively quick, and after I was finished with the test, I pretty much found out that I was a “type 6”, or in other words, “The Loyal Skeptic”.

Being a type 6, in Nina’s words, is really being a devil’s advocate; they are either hot or cold, confident or insecure, assertive or passive, pretty much indecisive about every uncertainty of life. As I read more and more about this type, I felt really attacked. Like, mind-reader attacked. How can one simple explanation answer all of the confusing, intangible things that I always thought about? How did a 5-minute test pick me out to be a type 6 out of the possible 9 there are? If that wasn’t enough, one thing about being this type of personality struck me the most:

My relationship with security.

Security, for me, is honestly something that becomes a little harder for me to want as I got older. When I was a teenager, I kept people around way longer than I should’ve, I held onto ideologies and moments that made me feel comfortable, and it was hard for me to try new things and let go of old things in life. If I don’t have some sort of security getting me through the day, I’m basically a trainwreck and a huge ball of anxiety.

Maybe my need for security is what ultimately caused my anxiety disorder? Maybe, maybe not, but it sure explains why it’s a lot harder for me to understand that I don’t always need to control or be controlling in certain situations.

Whatever security means in my soul, it makes a whole lotta sense on why I am who I am and why I behave the way I do in situations when I feel like I lose control over a part of my security I was used to having.

For example, a lot of things in my life has changed this year, let alone within the last two months. Some things were left under my control, and some of them it wasn’t my place to try and control anything or anyone in the first place. Either way, adjustment, and change are two vocabulary words I hate the most; they require me to go outside the box (or my shell) and actively do something about the action in progress. It’s still not easy, and every night I think about going back to my old ways and habits only because they provide me with security I am used to. Being uncertain is a fear of life, and it seems like being a type 6 is exactly that: a beautiful mess.

Acknowledging my need and desire for security in life was one that I believe I needed in order to start making more healthier decisions in my life. I now how an understanding of why I become a certain way when things don’t feel secure around me; I constantly worry everything can be taken away in a blink of an eye. Being self-aware of it now allows me to reflect on the type of relationship I have with a trait such as complete reassurance.

It really does remind me of a conversation I had with someone close to my heart telling me that if I’m not comfortable doing something, I won’t bother doing it at all.

To some extent, I guess it’s right. In those moments when I don’t feel competent enough to do the things overs want me to do, I simply just don’t do it. I’m afraid of falling and failing. I’m afraid of not having a security plan to back up all of the negative things being said when I do make a bad decision or mistake. I will always think I did something wrong or something is wrong and we’ve yet to fix it.

So, how do I fix my relationship with security?

Well, I’m learning along the way. I’m trying to learn that it’s okay being uncomfortable in certain, harmful situations. I’m trying to learn that it’s okay to make a decision and stick by it without allowing people to influence my decisions. I’m learning that there are going to be times when I don’t have complete control over everything, but I am still able to control myself.

Finding a balance between challenge and security is definitely a tough task; it’s not something that happens overnight. It takes time to understand and get into situations that test your ability and willingness to try something different. To challenge the healthy and unhealthy types of security I may have in my life is something that I believe will be another big step in my journey of healing.

Acknowledging it is just the first step into fixing this relationship I have with security.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

We are finally back to our regularly scheduled Saturday program after its summer hiatus; Self-Appreciation Saturday! SAS thanks the Overexposed Project for holding it down for the summer while it was taking a break after being the longest-running series on the blog. Now we’re back and better than ever to help you find some self-appreciation during the weekend!

So, with that being said, let’s talk.

So, as some of you might know, I finally landed a job about a month ago. It was exciting, it was something new, and I was so glad that I was now finally getting some work experience and all that jazz. I work at my old college’s bookstore as a bookseller, which in less fancy terms: an all-round expert on the books in our bookstore, cashier, order packer, stocker, etc. We pretty much do everything besides the special stuff that our managers do. Although I wrote a blog post talking about how my first week of work was like, the real challenge came once the semester started at the end of August.

The first two weeks of the semester is what we call RUSH; it’s the time of year that everyone comes to the bookstore to buy their textbooks for their classes. At first, it was extremely overwhelming. To have only a week of experience before the semester started was hard to adapt to, here and there I’ve made mistakes and had to learn from them. Of course, it doesn’t mean that I wasn’t extremely anxious over those mistakes I made. I sold a wrong book to a customer, I opened all the rolls of coins not knowing that registers are counted at the end of the day, I left someone on hold for 25 minutes, and I walkie-talkied my manager probably 20 times the first day, pleading for help at the downstairs register. For a quick moment, I truly felt like quitting my job because it just seemed like it was doing more harm to my mental health than good. But with a little more helpful guidance from my therapist, some practice, and the support from my amazing manager and coworkers, I am finally getting into the swing of things, and I honestly love the routine I now have with this job.

Having a retail job has definitely taught me more than just how to work the damn register.

In fact, it’s taught me a lot about my anxiety and how to calm it down when something isn’t in my plan-book for the day.

You see, retail isn’t the ideal job for someone that has a social anxiety disorder; retail requires you to be social. You must greet customers, talk to them, ask them helpful questions, smile, help them with anything, and even if they are complete assholes to you, you must still be nice and helpful. Surprisingly, the whole customer interaction thing wasn’t the hardest part for me; in fact, it seemed to be the easiest part of the job, minus the phone call interactions that asked all the complex questions. Anyway, the hardest part of the job is the possible conflicts I had with some of the pissed-off, cranky, and unreasonable customers. The possible mistakes I made that could’ve resulted in those angry customers were the type of things that I had a hard time dealing with.

Explaining this to my therapist when she asked me what was the hardest part of my job surprised her. While she thought the social interactions with people would’ve been the hardest part, it was something that spoke about my self-esteem and confidence more than anything else. Because I’m new to this work environment and even work in general, I’m bound to make mistakes here and there. We all made minor mistakes, and we just have to learn from them, and yeah, practice does make perfect! Also, I’m learning that just because there is just an annoyed customer in my face (or on the phone), it doesn’t mean it’s my fault that the customer feels the way they do. I have to remind myself that there is only so much that I can do in certain situations, and as long as I’m doing that, my job is done nevertheless.

Confrontations are hard enough, and it’s even harder when your anxiety tells you that it’s your fault that these confrontations are happening.

At the end of the day, I am learning not to blame myself for everything that may be going wrong, and just acknowledging that is a huge step to managing your anxiety. Separating yourself and your emotions from these situations are what’s going to help run your life smoothly, in all honesty. Although it’s hard for me to separate the two, constantly reminding yourself that it’s not always directly about you and that people are going to be people regardless. As long as you’re doing what you know is right, nothing else really matters.