Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!
Let’s get straight into the meat and potatoes, shall we?
Last weekend, I went out with an old high-school friend of mine, Nina. She goes by SparklyWarTanks on her own blog, and her mission is to help others recognize and begin their healing journey of life. We definitely caught up, share some laughs, and also had some deep conversations that were honestly very needed for my own journey of self-recovery and discovery.
You see, she had me take an Enneagram test; in the psychology world, it’s basically a personality test that determines what characteristics and traits you have and how you are able to live your life according to those said things. It was relatively quick, and after I was finished with the test, I pretty much found out that I was a “type 6”, or in other words, “The Loyal Skeptic”.
Being a type 6, in Nina’s words, is really being a devil’s advocate; they are either hot or cold, confident or insecure, assertive or passive, pretty much indecisive about every uncertainty of life. As I read more and more about this type, I felt really attacked. Like, mind-reader attacked. How can one simple explanation answer all of the confusing, intangible things that I always thought about? How did a 5-minute test pick me out to be a type 6 out of the possible 9 there are? If that wasn’t enough, one thing about being this type of personality struck me the most:
My relationship with security.
Security, for me, is honestly something that becomes a little harder for me to want as I got older. When I was a teenager, I kept people around way longer than I should’ve, I held onto ideologies and moments that made me feel comfortable, and it was hard for me to try new things and let go of old things in life. If I don’t have some sort of security getting me through the day, I’m basically a trainwreck and a huge ball of anxiety.
Maybe my need for security is what ultimately caused my anxiety disorder? Maybe, maybe not, but it sure explains why it’s a lot harder for me to understand that I don’t always need to control or be controlling in certain situations.
Whatever security means in my soul, it makes a whole lotta sense on why I am who I am and why I behave the way I do in situations when I feel like I lose control over a part of my security I was used to having.
For example, a lot of things in my life has changed this year, let alone within the last two months. Some things were left under my control, and some of them it wasn’t my place to try and control anything or anyone in the first place. Either way, adjustment, and change are two vocabulary words I hate the most; they require me to go outside the box (or my shell) and actively do something about the action in progress. It’s still not easy, and every night I think about going back to my old ways and habits only because they provide me with security I am used to. Being uncertain is a fear of life, and it seems like being a type 6 is exactly that: a beautiful mess.
Acknowledging my need and desire for security in life was one that I believe I needed in order to start making more healthier decisions in my life. I now how an understanding of why I become a certain way when things don’t feel secure around me; I constantly worry everything can be taken away in a blink of an eye. Being self-aware of it now allows me to reflect on the type of relationship I have with a trait such as complete reassurance.
It really does remind me of a conversation I had with someone close to my heart telling me that if I’m not comfortable doing something, I won’t bother doing it at all.
To some extent, I guess it’s right. In those moments when I don’t feel competent enough to do the things overs want me to do, I simply just don’t do it. I’m afraid of falling and failing. I’m afraid of not having a security plan to back up all of the negative things being said when I do make a bad decision or mistake. I will always think I did something wrong or something is wrong and we’ve yet to fix it.
So, how do I fix my relationship with security?
Well, I’m learning along the way. I’m trying to learn that it’s okay being uncomfortable in certain, harmful situations. I’m trying to learn that it’s okay to make a decision and stick by it without allowing people to influence my decisions. I’m learning that there are going to be times when I don’t have complete control over everything, but I am still able to control myself.
Finding a balance between challenge and security is definitely a tough task; it’s not something that happens overnight. It takes time to understand and get into situations that test your ability and willingness to try something different. To challenge the healthy and unhealthy types of security I may have in my life is something that I believe will be another big step in my journey of healing.
Acknowledging it is just the first step into fixing this relationship I have with security.