Sometimes, I wonder how I got here. I look back and remember all the hate I inflicted on myself and body and wonder when did that all change. Did I hurt myself so deep that I don’t feel it anymore? Did I get tired of hating myself? Do therapy and medication help?
Hi, my name is Liz, and I don’t know what caused me to start loving myself authentically.
It wasn’t too long ago that I still hated myself and how I looked. I thought my bob haircut back in 2017 was too boyish and that I wasn’t considered feminine anymore. I thought my summer depression was caused due to the fact that I hating how I looked in summer clothing. I thought I wasn’t “glo’ing up” because in my mind fat meant ugly and if I got fatter since the last time someone saw me, it meant that I was doing bad. I thought eating in public or to talk about food, in general, made me fat. My hair always had to be long enough to frame my double-chin face; the list goes on.
I think I just got so tired of putting these restrictions on myself and letting past-trauma get to me that I just dropped everything and said, “fuck this shit.”
Maybe it was the moment I started therapy and started to treat my social anxiety disorder in a professional way. Maybe it was when I was suicidal last November and I vanished from the face of the earth to try to find myself again. Maybe it was when I finally said that I was going to cut my hair into a pixie. Maybe it was when I bought my first summer dress. Maybe I always loved myself deep down, and I just never knew it was right to still love yourself after being fat for your entire life.
I will not let the stereotype of “being fat means I’m miserable” get to me. I’m bubbly, I’m fun, I’m positive, and I’m an optimistic person (that’s if my anxiety doesn’t put her two cents into it). I will not let the countless commercials for weight-loss programs persuade me into thinking that I will be happy just those people who lost all that weight. I will not allow outsider’s comments or those who don’t know me personally, persuade me into thinking I’m nothing but my weight. I’m not my weight, but I will embrace my body for what it is.
Society believes that fat people who love themselves are these delusional, lazy people that don’t want to see the problems they carry, which I could understand, that’s if you’re an idiot. It’s truly not even about loving your fatness, it’s about accepting who you are as a person and loving who you are, whether you’re fat, skinny, black, white – everyone deserves the opportunity to grow and love themselves as they come.
It’s taken me a long time to stand where I am today and be okay with how I look and the body I carry. Maybe she’ll change in the future; maybe she’ll be up to get healthier as it gets older.
The product is never fully finished.
The product as it stands here today is a 25-year-old woman who is at her heaviest, yet also who’s loved herself the most, who’s been the most confident, who’s felt the freest. The product stands as a short-hair, double-chin, short & chubby young adult that is continuing her journey on loving herself. The product just came to be, and I don’t know when and how that happened.
Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been overexposed these last few months.