Many people throughout their lifetime truly live without knowing what the meaning of their feelings mean, and because of society wanting to make everything black-and-white, it’s even harder to admit that there have been times when what you felt wasn’t necessarily “normal”. I say normal like that because there is truly anything in life that indicates normalcy. 

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m learning to accept the fact that my romantic attractions aren’t what I thought they were.

Is this me coming out? I don’t think I’d ever “come out” without feeling like things like this can change as time progresses. At this moment in time, I just feel differently about my romantic attractions and my sexual attractions.

Sexually speaking, I am heterosexual. I feel sexual attraction only towards the opposite sex. I’ve only had one male sexual partner in my life, but I know that I am willing to have sex with guys more so than girls, even if at this given moment I want to have absolutely no sex, which is another story for another day.

Romantically speaking, I feel like as I get older, I’m a little more flexible, or fluid in this category, and I feel like I’ve been this way for quite some time. Of course, I only feel this romantic attraction towards people once I get an emotional deep connection to them, and before anyone thinks that I just am liking everything and everyone, I don’t act upon those said attractions. I just like you because you mean a lot to me and we connect, but I am not sexually attracted to you and 95% of the time, I’m not looking to pursue a sexual relationship with you.

So, hi – my name is Liz, and although I am heterosexual, I am demiromantic.

Wow, that was liberating. 

To better understand what I am talking about and before we move forward, you must understand that romantic attraction and sexual attraction can be completely different things for people. For some, it’s one and the same, and for others, they are apples and bananas. For me, I am not sexually attracted to the people I have romantic attractions with and sometimes, if I see a hot guy in the streets and think damn, come to bed with me (which only fantasy Liz thinks about), I most likely won’t have a romantic attraction to them. Sexual feelings, in a nutshell, are an instant feeling; you look at someone’s appearance and feel sexually attracted to most of the time and it’s why most dating apps are heavily used for just hookups at this time. You don’t need to be romantically attracted to someone in order to have sex with them. Many people do it, and there’s nothing wrong with that unless you are safe, protected, and knowledgeable about it. 

Being romantically attracted to them happens with time. You get to know a person, whether it’s a friend or a potential partner, and find yourself growing a deep connection with them. You develop feelings for them in a romantic aspect, I mean you vibe with them, you like them, your body doesn’t know the difference! What makes it strictly a romantic attraction is that you don’t feel sexually attracted to them, and in other situations, you won’t try to pursue romantic relationships with them. You just like them, and you want platonic relationships.

If it seems like I’m even unsure about these things, it’s because I am. I’m still judging myself for even trying to figure out what this was for me and I still feel like I don’t belong under such category, but it’s the best that I can do to help explain years of denying how I function.

For years, I’ve had some relationships with people in my life that I liked in a romantic aspect. Of course, these feelings developed only after I gained a deep, emotional connection with them. I believe I’ve always wanted platonic relationships in my life; the ones where you deeply care for one another and would do anything for each other and hold them close to your heart without the stress and mess of it ever turning sex because you both don’t see each other in that light. I’ve had girl-friends in the past that I’ve felt this deep, emotional connection with and felt romantic attraction to afterward as well as guy-friends that I deeply connected with and felt romantic attraction to as well, but within these relationships I’ve had with these people, I never felt sexual attraction with them; I just wanted long-lasting platonic relationships. A Holder and Linden from The Killing type of relationship.

I understand there are people I’m currently friends with will read this and say, “omg, does Liz have romantic feelings for me?!” and might feel weird still wanting to interact with me. I understand that there is a possibility that my ex-friends, ex-flings, even my ex-partner will read this and think of me differently. I understand there are people who will read this and have opinions on me and will judge me, whatever, but I wanted to tell this story because I felt confused for years. I always wondered why it was so easy for me to have feelings for people who I’ve called my closest friends. For years, I wondered if I was a bisexual too scared to come out of the closet, but not really bisexual because although I’ve liked girls, I never wanted to have sex with them. I also couldn’t understand why or how was I have to develop romantic feelings towards LGBT people but not being LGBT myself. I couldn’t understand why at 25, I am still able to like people in a romantic aspect even if the thought of having sex with another person is anxiety-driven and repulsing. Maybe I’ll never put a label on what this is, but it’s the closest thing that can help me understand and be accepting of why I am this way.

So, I guess this is me coming out. Hey, I like you regardless of sex and gender, but don’t expect to have sex with me, thanks!

… Can I get that on a t-shirt, please?

When I was a teenager, I played the victim a lot. If I acted out of line or did anything bad or harsh, I blamed it on other people, since I was never the type to be anything but nice, genuine, kind, and caring. If I did anything out of character, I thought it was due to the influence of other people. “They made me this way.”

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m learning that I, in certain circumstances, can be a toxic person.

Let’s try that again: Hi, my name is Liz, and I have toxic traits. 

I’m confident enough to know that I’m a kind-hearted person. I care for the people around me, I’m nice even when I’m not having the greatest of days, I’m considerate, and I’m an empath. Thank you, Nina, for reminding me that I truly am empathetic. 

While that might sound good, it doesn’t mean that I don’t make mistakes. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve hurt a lot of people throughout my years living on this Earth. I’ve hurt people who I’ve dropped as friends for no reason. I’ve probably broken a couple of hearts from secret admirers. I know I’ve hurt my family with actions and words throughout the years. I’ve probably hurt my ex throughout the years as well.

What I’m saying is that we are human, and we are bound to hurt the people in our lives no matter how kind-hearted or nice you are.

So, to the people I’ve hurt in the past, the present, and even those who I will probably hurt in the future: I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for not taking consideration in the things you may have adored, worried about, wanted me to care about, and everything in between that left you feeling like I didn’t give a shit about you. One of my toxic traits is not having a good enough balance of caring for myself and then caring for others. I tend to be harsh, not caring enough, even to some degree I lack empathy or sympathy, and I truly do not tend to be that way. I think I excluded myself from others for so many years, I think I just don’t know how to be present and openly supportive of the things that you care about.  I’m working on it.

I’m sorry for leaving without a warning and make you wonder what happened and what you did wrong. The answer is probably nothing. My toxic trait is that I feel like I’m easily forgotten, which makes me believe I can hop out of friendships without anyone caring or noticing. I’m also sorry for never giving you any closure on why I left you in the first place. Maybe I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings and tell you I don’t want to be friends anymore. Maybe you did something to hurt me first and instead of being mature and speaking up, I stood quiet until I found the right time to slip out of the friendship. Again, my toxic traits really do come to life when it comes to dealing with friendships, and the fact of the matter is maybe I’m just not a good person to be close friends with. Maybe you have to keep your distance from me. Maybe it’s the social anxiety disorder. Maybe I just haven’t had friends in a really long time and tend to overthink the ones that stay. I’m working on it.

Lastly, I’m sorry for ever making you feel like you are always wrong, even in situations where I was in the wrong. My toxic trait is that I can’t take criticism without taking it to heart and that I get extremely defensive when I’m getting accused of doing something wrong or hurtful. I make things about myself sometimes, and sometimes I just wish that I was always right and that people saw things the way that I do. I’m trying to learn that not everything I believe will be correct or the right thing,, and when it isn’t, I should listen and take it for consideration without thinking I’m being attacked. Again, my toxic traits may stem from my mental health, and I’m working on both to be a better person for myself, and to those around me.

But, I’m human. We all are, and we aren’t perfect. Sure, tell that to the toxic trait that thinks I need to be perfect, but I know I’m not. The first step to any sort of self-healing and discovery is understanding that we have toxic traits and that sometimes we are the bad guy in someone’s narrative.

That doesn’t make us bad people, just people that need some work to do. 

So, to my teenage self: I forgive you for not taking responsibility for the things you’ve said and done; you were young and didn’t know any better. I mean, who did? Because of you, I am able to learn and accept myself for not always being good, and for not always being right. Because of you, I’m learning, and I’m becoming more aware, even if I might not always get it right the first couple of times.