Self-Reflection, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2019

“You Showed Me”: To the Decade of My Youth.

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To the decade of my youth,

Thank you for turning out the way you did. Thank you for allowing me to see what the decade of my adulthood will be like, and thank you for teaching me such important life lessons that I will carry to the decade of my adulthood, elderhood, livelihood.


You showed me what it was like to be a teenager; pimples, awkward stages, random hormonal rage feelings, and how it felt like to be in teenage love. I enter you just weeks after I got my first-ever kiss at 15, a couple of months later would be the first time I would lose my virginity, it would be the first time I said “I love you” to the first boy I fell in love with. You showed me that getting to know someone and getting that puppy love was just as addicting as any hardcore drug out in the world. You showed me that I was now indulged in a whole new side of the world I never knew existed. You showed me what it was like to be passionate, to show passion, to be the embodiment of passion through love, talent, and aura.


You showed me jealousy in its ugliest form. You showed me hopelessness and insecurity that I wasn’t good enough. You showed me that people can lie and that people will still smile in your face and hold you just to make sure you’re alright without ever knowing what’s going on behind closed doors. You showed me what falling in love a second time felt like; how blissful and twisted and poison it was; you truly showed me that the second love I will ever experience would be the one that haunts me and changes me forever, and at first, it wasn’t for the better. You showed me how quickly life and love could be taken away from me and how I could be the most hated person in a room full of people.


You showed me how sad I can truly be. You showed me that in a world full of 7 billion people, I can feel like the only woman on a deserted island. You showed me the consequences of my actions and how life could be like if I don’t take action on my responsibilities. You showed me how people’s true colors come forward when I was on my knees, crying out for help because I was a ticking time-bomb, just waiting to give up and just kill myself at 18. You showed me how scary the mind can be and how irrational it can become when I was surrounded by nothing your thoughts and the negativity fueling them.


You showed me that change will only come only if I’m willing to work for it. You showed me that it’s harder and more painful to hold onto something toxic than rather just letting it go for the better. You showed me that through the dark times, there will be good! You showed me that once I forgave myself for my past to some extent, I was able to move forward and begin a new chapter of my life. You showed me that college wasn’t going to be the easiest thing and that people would not take me seriously when I told them I wanted to be an English major. You showed me that happiness was not only within the circle I kept, but an entire community around the world that I didn’t know existed until they welcomed me into their fandom. You showed me that passions change, and in some cases, they save your life over and over again.


You showed me it was okay to share the fact that I’ve always had imaginary friends roaming inside my mind, but now they were characters of stories I wanted to tell through scripts. You showed me that a simple song on the radio can inspire me to write a complete short film about a girl who finds her mother after abandoning her for her career 17 years ago and share the mutual love of dance. You showed me that a true-crime drama inspired me to write about stories and characters I’ve had swimming in my head since the decade of my childhood! You showed me that sometimes, you can find your love for something all over again, and sometimes it was worth going back to.


You showed me how much better the present was than the past. You showed me that the people who were once in my life will not always fit into the life I have now, and that is completely okay. You showed me that I don’t fit in other’s people’s life anymore as well. You showed me how easy it was to get lost again, how problems are always reoccurring; they just get bigger as you get older. You showed me how imperfect family truly is and how the saying “blood is thicker than water” isn’t always true. You showed me how easy it was to live a life of denial, that everything will be alright once the pain passes, how everything eventually goes back to normal, yet you showed me how they don’t and that it’s up to me to accept that and move forward to create a new normal for myself.


And with that being said, you showed me that life can truly make a full circle in some aspects of your life. You showed me that I wasn’t this weird awkward girl that had no friends; that all I had to do was just express myself and be myself without worrying people will be judging me. You showed me that if love truly is meant to be, you try it again and if it works out, it works out. You showed me how it felt to be stupidly happy every single day of my life. You showed me that sometimes not all hard work will lead you down the path you wanted to go, but instead destined to go. You showed me that I could graduate college and being the first of my family to do so even though I’ve thought about dropping out a couple of times. You showed me that a new chapter was starting in my life, and not always do you bring what you have to that next chapter.


You showed me that not all that glitters is gold. You showed me that me faking happiness to relive when I was isn’t going to erase the feeling of loss and loneliness. You showed me that my number one priority should always be myself, so when I ignored it for the duration of my grad school years, you showed me just how low I can go in regards to my mental health. You showed me that it was okay to stick up for myself, for views to change, to wants and needs to change and that I couldn’t stay the same forever. You showed me just how fast I was growing up, and you showed me as the days and years pass by that you were not waiting for me to get my shit together.


You showed me that I am a motherfucking boss and can do whatever I put my mind to! You showed me how accomplishment felt like; to sit out in the rainy weather in my Master’s gown showed me that I was capable of anything and everything. But, you showed my work always had to get done, that celebrations end and reality kicks in, that people will expect me to be the best of the best with a fresh new degree in my hand, that this degree made me mentally sick. You showed me it was okay to ask for help, that it wasn’t a sign of weakness to see a therapist and talk about everything going on in life. You showed me that my outbursts and behavior have reasoning behind it, whether it was just a reaction to something completely normal or it was a sign of social anxiety disorder and major depression. You showed me that people will not always see the changes you want for yourself because it means that they don’t know you anymore, and you showed me that it was okay; that sometimes people are just meant to go, no matter what stage of life you are in.


By the end of this decade, you showed me just a sneak peek of what my adulthood decade will be like. You showed me that the things I let slide or didn’t care about in the past now are major things I now require as a sign of self-respect. You showed me how it can feel to finally be confident after a decade of boys that just wanted the “fat girl experience” or only wanted to talk to you just to hook up with your friend. You showed me that I can be loved, that I can be hated, and regardless of the situation or how I feel about them, I cannot control other people. You showed me how it felt to go through my very first heartbreak over a breakup. You showed me that no matter what length of time, I grow out of people and people will grow out of me. You showed me that the hardest decisions are the best decisions, not just for you personally, but for all parties involved. You showed me destiny is destiny, and no matter how hard I try fighting it, it will come out in different ways. You showed me the importance of listening to my soul and that no matter how you feel and what logics you have behind it to back it up, if the soul is telling you something, you best to believe her. You showed me the importance of friendship and how being social isn’t such a negative thing; it’s possibly the happiest thing I do in my life at the end of this decade. You showed me to let me know what to bring, what to live by, and what I need to learn as the new decade begins.

You showed me a lot during my youth. Youth, I may be a late bloomer to a lot of things; I may not be ready to settle down and get married and do all of the adult things most people my age are doing, but as long as I’m making progress within myself, there’s no milestone for growth.

Who knows what my adulthood will show me; maybe it will show me that how to properly travel the world, how to take care of my body, how to not be afraid of letting love in again; who knows? I just know that you, my Youth, is something I will always hold close to my heart. You are pure, innocent, adventurous, rebellious, and beautiful.

Thank you for teaching me everything you did, and thank you for helping me live this far into my life.

Cheers to my youth.

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Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2019

Christmas Eve: A Retrospect of 2019.

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.

For the past two years, I’ve written posts reflecting back on my year on Christmas Eve; it’s only right since next week we’ll be counting down the start of 2020! How crazy is that?

2019 was definitely a year I think I needed to have in order to start the rest of my life. This year needed to happen so that I was able to close this decade out and start a new one. It feels surreal, y’ know? I feel like I’m not living in my own body anymore but in a good way! It truly feels like I’m maturing and growing out of the shell that was this decade. It wasn’t an easy transition to get through; in some aspects, I’m still trying to get used to it, but I don’t regret what this year has taught me.

  1. Your soul will never stop protecting you and telling you what’s best for you, so listen to it. A lot of the things that changed about me this past year came from the fact that my soul has told me enough was enough in a lot of areas in life. It has told me that it’s time to take care of myself, love myself, and discover myself in its purest form. A lot of the things I’ve tolerated within the last decade I don’t tolerate anymore, and it’s caused me to adjust myself and my relationships with people to take care of my soul. I wrote a post about listening to your soul a month ago, and it’s honestly the one thing I will always take with me as my life lives on.
  2. Embrace the things that ultimately make you happy, no matter how quirky, uncommon, or weird they may be to your outside world. Don’t be ashamed of them either! Currently, the one thing that constantly makes me happy no matter what is my love and interest for Kpop, and towards the beginning of the year, I was ashamed of sharing that interest out loud. I didn’t want to be seen as a “koreaboo”, a “person appropriating Korean culture”, or just a person with some sort of “Asian fetish”. After a while, after getting an opportunity to reintroduce myself to the world, I’ve made it very apparent that Kpop makes me really happy and it’s continuously saving me from a lot of dark thoughts and moments. As a matter of fact, I’ve embraced my love for it so much, I even got a tattoo to symbolize my love for it.
  3. Heartbreak is inevitable, and no matter what you’ll get through it. Back in August, my ex and I decided that it was best for us to end our relationship after being on-and-off for the last 10 years. He was my best friend, first love, first everything truly, and when the breakup first happened, it was one of the hardest things I’ve dealt with since my grandfather’s death back in 2018. A week after our breakup, I self-harmed myself for the first time in six years just because the physical pain felt better than the emotional pain from everything that was happening at that time in my life. Although it’s something I’ll probably deal with for another couple of months, I know it was the best for both of us. I’m doing a lot better now, and I will always cherish my first relationship for the rest of my life. I’ll never regret it, and I’ll always have mad love for the person who’ve lived this last decade growing with me.
  4. Challenge the things that you thought you’d never be able to do; you never know the outcome of things! For the majority of the year, I was job-hunting, unsuccessful due to the lack of work experience I had (I was in school for 6 years straight) and everything I wanted to do required some work experience doing something. After a while, I was losing confidence in finding a job, until my partner at the time suggested I should try doing a “less stressful” type of retail, like a bookstore. Luckily enough, my old college bookstore was looking for people to hire, and one phone interview later, I was hired! I’m so grateful for the job I have at the bookstore; my managers are the sweetest people ever, my co-workers are more so my friends now, and this job has honestly helped get through these last couple of months efficiently. They may not know this, but these people saved my life, and I will always be thankful for challenging my social anxiety fears and going for it.


2019 was the year of tons of ups and downs, but it wasn’t a bad year. I’ve gained confidence in ways I never knew I was capable of being, I did things I never thought I was able to do; I truly challenged my comfort zone this year, and I’m so proud of myself for doing so!

So farewell, 2019. Thank you for teaching me lessons I will carry for the rest of my life, and thank you for allowing me the space to embrace the things I never thought I would in my life. Thank you.

Be good to me, 2020.

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Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2019

Why I Embrace My Anxiety Attacks Instead of Fearing Them.

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, if you didn’t know this little fact about me despite me being very vocal about it on my blog, I have SAD, or social anxiety disorder. It differs from normal anxiety because of my behavior and patterns are symptoms of a more clinical anxiety disorder. I was diagnosed with it a little over a year ago, and since then I’ve been finding new ways to live with this newfound information as normal as possible, while still trying to take care of myself.

At first, it was very difficult to adapt to the news because it was now something I had to learn to accept myself, as well as be accepting enough to it so that those around me can accept it as well. At first, it was hard to do both, and because of that, my anxiety attacks were through the fuckin’ roof. It had gotten to the point where I was having anxiety about my own damn anxiety, which I learned is quite common in people who are first diagnosed with it.

So as the months passed by, I’ve had lesser anxiety attacks, but they didn’t just disappear. They would happen at the most random times of the day; after dinner, at my former partner’s place, at night before bed, and even moments after I laughed at the funniest joke ever. Talking to my therapist about my fear of having anxiety attacks, she spoke a lot to me about embracing them and take them as learning lessons in why you feel that way you do and how you can acknowledge these feelings better before the anxiety attack phase of them happens.

So, as I’m sitting here writing this, I’ve haven’t had a major anxiety attack for a couple of months now. That was until I was on my way home from work yesterday.

You see, sometimes my anxiety doesn’t like for me to be myself, and as I’ve gotten more comfortable in my work environment, I’ve been even more myself, which sometimes my anxiety tells me that its “annoying” or “obnoxious” and that I’m truly “unlikable”. It’s those things that hold me back from being my complete self, but I guess I thought I was confident enough with myself at work to the point I was being even more myself.

Does that make sense?

Anyway, on Friday at my job, we had a little somewhat holiday lunch to wrap up the semester and celebrate the holidays, which I was very excited and happy to finally be a part of such a community in the first place. While we all are pretty comfortable with each other and with ourselves, we pretty much talk very casually to one other; we are all truly friends and co-workers I believe. So, while everything went well and I left my job feeling pretty happy and content, my anxiety crept up on me, telling me “your co-workers probably talk behind your back about how annoying you are, y’ know? They probably talk about how hard you try to fit in with their younger crowd; ew, you’ve turned into one of those old people that are still trying to be young and cool to young people. Get a grip, these people are only nice to you because they work with you, they aren’t your friends.”

I don’t know why I think these things, to be honest. Maybe it’s not even me thinking them; maybe it is the anxiety behavior and patterns I have when it comes to socializing with people. My anxiety makes me believe that no one likes me and that people are only nice to me because they don’t want to hurt my feelings, as well as I’m not really friend-material; I am easily forgotten. So, with my anxiety telling me that just moments after I leave for work, I have an anxiety attack.

I’m not ashamed of having them anymore, because although my anxiety can be wrong at times, I also believe it happens because it is telling me something, or reminding me of something. While yes, these people I work with are like friends to me and I like them a lot, I have to remind myself that this is my job first, and there are boundaries I have to have with these people. I’m not saying I can’t be myself around these people, but I have to remind myself that we aren’t in an outside setting, we are at work, and some level of professionalism still needs to be at play. Also, I have to remind myself that even though I like them a lot (more on that on the posts about demiromanticism), there are still boundaries that have to be enforced. Going into work next week, I can now still be myself to some degree and still feel comfortable enough to the point where I feel confident in the little quirky things about me.

It’s a very weird explanation, but I wouldn’t have had this talk with myself about this topic if I didn’t have that anxiety attack. While it was helpful to regather myself in this situation, it also allowed me to take a deep breath and remind myself that these people, whether they talk about me or not when I’m not around, I’m still being the best version of myself and that it’s okay if not everyone you like will like you back. You have to put in the work and ask yourself what are the positive things about this anxiety attack and what are the negatives about it as well.

Fearing your anxiety attacks and preventing them from happening will only further hurt you and your healing process. Holding in anxiety attacks is like trying to bottle up all of your emotions: if you avoid them enough times, it will spill over and create an even bigger mess than it would’ve been if you just dealt with it at that moment. If you fear to have anxiety attacks, they will just happen more often than usual, I’ve been there and it fucking sucks. 

Half of your healing process is to prevent the fear and outcomes of certain scenarios in life. Your fears may come true, but they may also not; life is uncertain and you have to let your anxiety know that you will be okay, no matter what.

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Important, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2019

What’s to Come on Letters From Liz!

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

How is everyone’s little holiday break going? If you’re one of the lucky ones that have the entire holiday week off, I envy you. I literally have to go back to work tomorrow and Friday, which to come and think of it, that’s not even bad so what am I talking about?

Anyway, Christmas is officially creeping upon us, which means that the Twelve Letters of Lizmas are coming to an end. I hope you guys enjoyed reading this year’s content as much as I enjoyed writing it, despite me having one of the craziest weeks of work and having to spend my lunch breaks on writing content; I guess that’s a writer’s life for you!

Every year on Christmas, I used that day to talk about some of the future plans for the blog regarding content, schedule changes, new year goals, whatever the case may be. This year’s Christmas post is a little bit different, so I’m letting you guys know a little earlier that once the Twelve Letters of Lizmas concludes, the blog will be going on a mini-hiatus to prepare for our next big event:


The Letters From Liz Anniversary Celebration!

For those who are new to the blog, Letters From Liz was once called TNTH (Today’s News, Tomorrow’s Headline) and on January 9th, 2017, I launched this blog in celebration of my 23rd birthday, as well as a new beginning to my writing craft & passion. Technically, the name change happened in February of this year, but the blog officially launched in January, and every year we write content for 9 days straight leading up the blog’s birthday (and mine).

The blog will be turning 3 while I’ll be turning 26. I am not ready.

Anyway, the LFL Anniversary Celebration will begin on WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1ST, 2020 @ 12 NOON! Relax and take care of that New Year’s Eve hangover by checking out the blog!

I’ll see you guys then, and I hope you enjoy the rest of the Lizmas content coming your way this week!

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Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2019

A Monthly Mental Health Update.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

With the holiday season being one of the busiest times of years, it’s quite common to forget to check-in with yourself and see how you’re doing. Personally, for me, my life has been a constant non-stop, and it’s sometimes hard to set some time to prioritize myself and see if I’m doing okay and taking everything in.

Yesterday, I went to therapy for the first time in what felt like weeks. To rescheduling my appointments due to conflicts and working more hours than usual at my job, it felt like it was a while since I had an hour to just check-in with myself and talk about the things that have been happening around me.

It felt good to come back after long weeks of busyness because it felt like I finally got the monthly mental health check-in I needed. Life is going well; I feel like I’m becoming a lot more confident with myself by being myself, and therapy has made me realize that I could be myself and practice my social abilities without judgment within the work environment I have.

Also, my check-in with therapy has made me gain a plan of things I want to work on as time goes on.

So, how have you’ve been this month? Have you been taking care of yourself through the holiday season? Are you taking time out for yourself while you studied for finals this semester? How are you getting through some of the hardships this time of year bring? Have you had the time to reflect on the things that are happening to you, your surroundings, maybe even some of the things your soul has been saying to you?

It’s so important to check-in on yourself, and being as busy as we all are, we all tend to put our mental health in the box of “secondary things to do” in our minds. Even if you don’t have the privilege to dedicate an hour out of your week to reflect and check-in with yourself with your therapist, you should definitely take some time out of your week to talk things out and check-in with yourself. Write in a journal, communicate with someone you care about, do something that takes care of you; anything that promotes self-care, self-awareness, and self-reflection.

So here’s my monthly mental health update.

  • I’m so beyond happy to now have a community of people I get to see the majority of the week and be unapologetically myself.
  • My job and the fears I’ve faced doing so has made me ready and have the want & desire to socialize more… even though I’m still deathly anxious to do so.
  • I’m learning to now be more assertive with my familial relationships now that I’m now comfortable being assertive to non-familial ones.
  • My awareness of demiromanticism has made me more comfortable talking to people and like them without feeling any shame that I do as long as there are boundaries.
  • With my mental health more intact now, I am ready to move forward taking care of my physical health.
  • Happiness isn’t a goal, but a feeling, and I know that I will have bad days; they just will not be permanent.

So let me ask you guys one more time: how have you been?

Creative Pieces, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2019

You + Me Makes Three! : A Scene.

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There is a loud knock on the door of the abandoned movie theater that is now ROSIE’s apartment. In her hair in a messy, curly bun; she runs towards the door to see if it’s the person she’s expecting. 

At the doorway, a man around her age with a dreadlock bun, MICAH, is huffing and puffing, trying to catch his breath. Rosie lets him in, and Micah takes a seat.

Micah: Roe, you know those stairs are a killer on its own, let alone when you call me the way you did.

Rosie: Sorry, I was just… being weird, I guess.

Rosie walks to the kitchen area, trying to not look at Micah in the face. He doesn’t notice it right away, but he suspects something when he realizes she’s keeping her distance.

Micah: So, what’s up? What was so urgent that I had to run out of the house without any socks on?

Rosie: *still looking away, distracting herself* You know, I really should organize my cabinets, man; it’s like a war zone up in there…

Micah: … Roe?

Rosie finally turns around to face Micah. She nearly breaks down in tears but holds them back.

Rosie: Don’t you think? I feel like I’ve been in this shithole for a couple of years now, you’d think I’d make it more home-like, right?

Micah: *confused* … I guess? Is that why you called me for?

Rosie: What, I can’t call my best friend to hang out with me at my apartment?

Micah: Not the way you did; no. Are you okay, Rosie?

Rosie takes a deep breath in; “fuck, he never calls me Rosie”. She shuns the thought away.

Rosie: Perfectly peachy, Mic! Now can you fucking stop interrogating me? I’ve already been through it once in Philly, so I don’t need you to do it now.

There’s an awkward silence. Nobody moves from their positions. But, Micah knows Rosie; pretty well actually. They’ve been best friends since college, inseparable since, and although Rosie swears she’s “hard to love”, Micah still cares and loves her, hardcore. 

Micah: *softly* Hey Rosie?

Rosie: Yeah?

Micah: *straight-faced* Cut the bullshit.

Rosie rolls her eyes and walks to the bedroom area of her movie theater “studio” apartment. She plops down on the bed, defeated. She hasn’t said anything, but a deep sigh is enough to say it all.

Micah gets up from the seat he was in, and walk towards Rosie’s bed. He plops down not to her; both are now just aimlessly looking up at the ceiling. 

Micah: Listen, Roe, you know you can trust me with whatever’s bothering you. I’m here for you. You don’t need to take on whatever’s going on by yourself. Obviously, you needed to vent about something, or else you wouldn’t have called me at 10 o’clock at night sounding like someone’s murdering you.

Rosie looks at Micah and rolls her eyes; she gets off the bed. Micah gets up as well.

Micah: Okay, that was a bad joke, but c’mon Roe, you can tell me what’s going on.

Rosie is now looking out the window; the nightly lit-up streets of NYC illuminate the inside of her apartment. 

Rosie: You promise you won’t judge me?

Micah: I would never do that to you, Roe.

Without taking her eyes off the lights at the window, she finally starts her confession.

Rosie: I did something, stupid, Mic.

Micah: *confused* How stupid are we talking?


Micah: *concerned* Rosie?

Rosie: *yells* Like really fucking stupid, Micah! So fucking stupid that I wish I could take back and never do because now I can’t fucking undo it!

Rosie is now back to the panicky mess she was when she called Micah some time ago. 

Micah: Rosie… what the fuck did you do that was so horrible? Robbed someone? Killed someone? *facepalms himself* please tell me you’re not cutting again, Roe – you were doing so good–

Rosie: *interrupts* Will you shut the fuck up for one minute, dude?!

The room is silent, and the two friends are looking at each other. Rosie begins to get teary-eyed.

Rosie: Look, I- when my job fired me, I had no money to pay rent and go see Hudson in Philly. I promised him I’d visit; it was the least I can do but I never got the chance to save it, Micah. I- I needed money, Micah…

Micah: You picked up a date?

Rosie stays silent.

Micah: *deep sigh*  Roe, you didn’t have to do that, I would’ve given you the money; why didn’t you come to me first?

Rosie: I wasn’t all there in the head, Mic, I- I didn’t know what to do.

Micah: Next time, please ask me first before you decide that your body has to be sacrificed for money. You’re worth more than that, Roe.

Rosie still stands there, still looking uneasy. Micah notices it.

Micah: … is there more?

Rosie finally sits down in a seat.

Rosie: The guy was Prescott.

Micah widens his eyes in shock.

Micah: Prescott Jones? The rich, fucked-up kid from our college? *angry* Why the hell would you go back to him, Rosie?

Rosie: He had the fucking money, Micah! I needed it and he was the only one I knew I can trust to give it to me.

Micah: Yeah, after the months that son-of-a-bitch beat you up when you dated him!

Rosie: Look, it’s over and done with, okay? I’m never going back to fuck Prescott again, alright?

Micah: And why should I believe that huh? Why the fuck should I believe you won’t go back to bang that asshole for money again?

Rosie: *yells* Because he fucking got me pregnant, Mic! We both were so fucked up on alcohol that I didn’t know what the fuck was going on! All I know is that we fucked, he paid me, and I went home, just how it used to fuckin’ be. But now it’s more than that, Micah. He got me pregnant and he’s not going to want nothing to do with it or me. I mean, do you know what that will do to his fucking reputation? “Multimillionaire heir Prescott Jones gets lowlife runaway pregnant!” He wants nothing to do with it and I don’t fucking blame him because who the hell wants to deal with the spawn of a fucked up girl anyway?

Micah listens to Rosie’s rant, never taking his eyes off of her.

Rosie: Fuck Prescott; he doesn’t have to know and I don’t want for him to know. I just don’t know what to do, Micah. When I found out I was all fucked up over it. I wanted nothing to do with the damn kid, it was just going to bring me down. But, I realized this kid is probably the only thing that will actually love me in life, and hell I’d be fucking lying if I said it wasn’t gonna hurt my soul if I just killed it. Am I crazy for wanting this kid, Micah? Is it crazy that I want this kid to have the best fucking life it could possibly have because I don’t want to be how my parents were? I don’t want this kid to not feel like it’s not loved, Micah. But look the fuck around…

Rosie points out the environment she and Micah are in.

Rosie: How the hell am I supposed to provide for a kid? I live in an abandoned movie theater because I can’t afford NYC’s expensive ass rent. I can barely afford to live in this shithole! I can’t bring this kid into the world the same way my mom did, Micah.

Micah takes in everything; Rosie’s words, the news, the surroundings; it’s like nothing else in this world matters now than the person standing in front of him. The truth of the matter is: Micah always loved Rosie, and it sometimes killed him knowing that Rosie felt like no one was capable of loving her. But, it’s not true. Micah loves Rosie for everything she represents. In many ways, despite how different their worlds are, he understands her and she understands him, and if being her best friend is the closest thing she’d accept love from another human being, he’ll gladly accept.

Micah: Move in with me.

Rosie: What?

Micah: Move in with me. Let me be there for you and your baby.

Micah walks to Rosie to reassure her of everything he’s about to tell her.

Micah: I always meant my word when I said I’d be there for you. Yeah, you make rash decisions and they have their consequences, and some of them I absolutely hate because you’re so much better than that, but that never meant I was gonna leave you astray when you needed a friend the most.

Micah takes a deep breath out of nervousness, but then smiles of sureness. 

Micah: If you allow me, I’d like to be the father figure in your child’s life.

Rosie: *eyes widen* What? Micah, no, you don’t have to do all of this-

Micah: I want to do this, Roe. 

Rosie is speechless, until…

Rosie: You’re fuckin’ nuts, Micah Kamalani. Why would you ever put yourself in a position to take care of another man’s child? Like, you don’t have to, and I didn’t call you over to be a prince charming type of hero.

Micah: I understand how it looks like, Roe, and I’m not doing this to “save” you. We both have to work hard to give his kid an amazing life. *swallowing his pride* I’m not asking you to get married to me, Rosie, nor am I asking to be your boyfriend or some shit. We are best friends just raising a child together. My mom helped my dad raise Milo for years, and Milo’s not her biological son. Who cares though? They both loved each other and had each other’s back when they were first just best friends. Let me be there for you.

Rosie is taken back by his words. Why would any man help her out with no motive behind it? She trusts Micah, but why would any man volunteer being a father to someone else’s kid? She didn’t understand it, but she always trusted Micah and his willingness to be there for her.

Rosie: I guess you and me makes three.

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Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2019, Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: December 2019 Edition.

Dear guys, welcome back to Letters From Liz!

A quick little fact about this post: I’m currently at my old college, waiting for the bookstore to open up and writing this post on my phone while I wait. I’ve been crazy busy as of lately since the semester is coming to an end, and I totally forgot to write something for the days to come.

But nevertheless, I’m here, writing this month’s installment of:

Life for me has been pretty good! I’m making money, I’m working a great job with great people, I’m discovering myself in ways I haven’t before, and I’m just doing a lot better mentally as of late! But, my perfectionist demon loves to make me feel like I’m not doing enough or that I’m settling or slacking in life, which in reality is far from the truth, but that demon of mine just loves to try to prove me otherwise.

You see, I have a Masters degree, and for some reason my perfectionist self believes that because I have that, I should have a career. Do not get me wrong, I love my job, but I am constantly reminded that I was a grad student whenever old peers and professors come into the bookstore and just have this dumbfounded look on their face when they see me standing behind the register.

Again, that’s probably not the case, but perfectionist Liz took that and ran with it.

Although that side of me can be somewhat (somewhat meaning a lot) of a “Debbie Downer”, she also reminds me to not stay at a place for too long and don’t get too comfortable with the life I currently have.

I have plans for my future, and while my bookstore job is within my year plan, I hope that in 2020 I am able to work on beginning my path to a career.

2020 is gonna be that year, y’all.

I say that with confidence! If I could end 2019 in this position knowing that when I started it I was nowhere near to where I am now, I can definitely do the same with next year.

I hope everyone enters the new year feeling the same way; I know it’s common to say that “this new year is gonna be mine!” and sometimes (if not all) it doesn’t, it doesn’t mean you can’t at least want the new year to be better. Yeah, work hard for what you want and put an effort into the things you desire, even if you don’t get to where you’d like to be.

At the beginning of the year, I wanted to be an academic advisor, making a salary and living comfortably without having any prior work experience on my resume. Although I kept trying to go down that path and hope I land something, sometimes things happen for a reason and this bookstore position is just something I need to get further into my journey. I shouldn’t feel ashamed for being the second oldest employee who just so happens to have her Masters as well (I don’t mean that as a brag either) and I shouldn’t feel like a loser for having this job when really it’s a fucking job and I’m making money regardless!

So, shut your perfectionist demon up every once in a while, but also take her “cries” as inspiration to keep going and growing in life. Like they say, “it’s a blessing and a curse.”

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2019

Your Pixie-Cut Friend: One Year Later.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

It’s kind of crazy that the people that I met this year never knew the Liz with her signature half updo ponytail, and they possibly can’t imagine me with long hair either since meeting me with a pixie cut. I can assume it’s vice versa for those who only know me with long hair, but it has come that time of year when it’s been one full year being Liz, your pixie cut friend. 

First picture with the pixie: Dec. 2018

The thought of me having a pixie cut came after I began cutting my hair shorter and shorter throughout 2018; it seems like no matter how short I would cut my “chin-length bob”, I didn’t feel right. Throughout November 2018, I was going through a lot of personal issues and when I decided I needed a fresh change, I always try to change my hair first. On one Sunday evening, I went to my sibling and asked them to cut my hair into a pixie. The rest, ladies and gentlemen, was history. 

Cutting my hair into a hairstyle I never had before was liberating, to say the least. I felt control over my body after months of anxiety not letting me have so anymore, and I found myself gaining the type of confidence I’d never get in this body of mine. Sure, every now and then I had some sort of gender crisis and felt too boyish, but for most of my days, I liked this new version of myself.

April 2019

I became confident in a lot of areas in my life once I cut my hair this short. I don’t know what it was; maybe it was the mindset of “if I can make such a big decision like chopping all my hair off, I can handle this bump on the road too” that got me through some of the most difficult conversations and decision-making scenarios I’ve had this last year. I also didn’t have many self-regrets or doubts anymore, which was such a huge issue for me throughout 2018. Sure, I still have them as we speak, but I don’t have those episodes as bad as I did since I gained that confidence within myself.

June 2019

Of course, I got bored every now and then and when the weather got hot, my hair was annoying and sweaty most of the time. I told my sibling I wanted my hair to be even shorter for the summer, and when I got what I wanted, I loved it instantly! I felt that boost of confidence that I had earlier in the year… for like a week. I quickly regretted the decision to cut my hair even shorter because, well, let’s say I felt even more self-conscious and boyish than I felt before. I’m still trying to grow out my hair back to what it was when I first cut it, and she’s getting there!

Even though there were moments I didn’t feel comfortable with myself or secure enough with my gender, I found myself more confident than ever when it came to my wardrobe. You see, prior to this haircut, I did not own one summery casual dress because I felt too fat to wear them, and for some reason, I challenged myself this summer season and wore all the dresses I could possibly wear, and I actually miss wearing them! Wearing the dresses without feeling like I was too fat or insecure was such a major milestone in my journey of healing and loving myself. It’s something I definitely believe my haircut helped me be ready to finally do.

Since then, I’ve played around with color for the last couple of months because, well, I’ve pretty much been on a whole other level with my decision making since this past summer. I mean, I got two tattoos since then, I’ve changed my hair color three times since October, and well, I’ve been trying new things that I was too afraid to try before this new transition in my life began. It’s been trial and error, but there have been moments when I did something and went oh yeah, this is it! Currently, it’s my faded purple hair with roots as long as God knows.



Of course, there are moments when I miss my long hair. I miss how it frames my face, I miss straightening it and curling it and trying out different hairstyles whenever I got bored with it. I miss the natural curl on the bottom of my hair. Hello, I miss my signature ponytail! While there are moments that I wish I can have my long hair back like right now, I’m also reminded that hair is hair, and it will grow back. As we speak, I’m not keeping up with my haircuts anymore only because I want more of a long pixie for the new year, and maaaybe we’ll get long hair Liz back in 2021, who knows? All I know is that I don’t regret the decision of cutting my hair into a pixie. It’s become a part of my identity that I actually like; it’s helped me be more confident and assertive with myself and worthy of myself. It’s allowed me to try out new things that my security blanket of long hair wouldn’t allow me to do.

So, happy hair-a-versary, pixie! Thank you for allowing me to grow into the person I am today; a person that I never thought I’d become within the last year! Thank you for helping me gain some confidence, spunk, and good energy within myself. I’m where I’m supposed to be in life because you’ve taught me valuable lessons to move forward with it. Here’s to a longer you coming soon, I mean I’m waiting for your ass to grow into the long pixie you’re supposed to be! Haha (:

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Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2019

The Essential Guide for Surviving the Holiday Season!

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

We all know how joyous, fun, loving, and wonderful the holiday season are; seeing the different houses light up with decorations at night, listening to Christmas music to get into the holiday season, and spending time with family for the holidays are just some of the things many of us enjoy about it. But, the holidays can be just as stressful and depressing as they are happy and joyous. Not everyone’s holiday season is like a Hallmark movie; it’s not always snowed-in and spending time with family, it’s not always decorating the Christmas tree and wrapping up gifts, and it’s not always a happy time. It seems like people are a lot tenser towards this time of year, whether it’s just the quickness of the holidays approaching, shopping for gifts – whatever the case is, it’s not always snowflakes and decorations.

Personally, for me, the holidays can be both happy and depressing, depending on how I see it and how things are going. Over the years, the holidays have been some of the most difficult times of the year just because the spirit around the holidays focuses on things that my family and I struggle with; togetherness, lovingness, whatever family shit the holidays are supposed to make us feel. So, if your holiday season is anything similar to mine, here are some tips and reminders in order to survive the holiday season:

  1. The holiday season isn’t just meant for blood-related families, it’s for whatever family means to you. I appreciate the people who go out of their way and spend the holidays with their closest friends and buddies; in a sense, that is their own definition of a family! Many people who have troubled relationships with their blood-related families are still able to feel that loving and togetherness with other people they love and care about, and that’s honestly the true meaning of the holidays! Spend it with people you love and care about; don’t worry if those people in your life are not blood-related.
  2. You matter and you deserve to see another holiday season next year. Despite the Spring season being one of the highest suicide rates of the year, the holiday season is a close second. A close family member of mine attempted suicide one holiday season a couple of years ago, and when my family and I visited them in the hospital, the visiting room was packed up with visitors and patients to the point that the workers at the place had to set up chairs outside of the visiting area. Remember that there are tons of people out there who feel like they are not accepted into their families for being who they are, and feel the loneliest during the holiday season. Always remember that you matter and you deserve to live.
  3. Just do the damn online shopping. I’m not one to do most physical shopping anymore only because I’m addicted to online shopping, so this holiday season I did most of my shopping online! It saved me a lot of the stress on when and where I’d go on this shopping adventure (especially when I go to work most of the week in Staten Island). As I’m writing this, I’m 95% done with Christmas gifts for my family, which is a relief. So, to save you the stress and chaos of holiday shopping, just do it online, y’all.
  4. Make your own holiday traditions. When I was younger, the best part about the holiday season for me was the traditions my family and I had. When my grandfather was alive and when my grandparents were younger, they would bring all of our family gifts down to the city and drop them off at my house and we weren’t allowed to open them until it was Christmas. My sibling and I loved our grandparents’ gifts because they were always amazing. Also, my family always made an attempt to make it seem like Santa came rushing into our window and delivered all of our gifts on Christmas Eve, which made the season always feel magical. Of course, as I got older and everyone in my family got older, the holiday season hasn’t been the same, which is why I’ve made my own holiday traditions to follow! I put up decorations on my own, I write and send out holiday cards to the people I love the most, I honestly just try to do the things that I love to do for the holidays, and I guess when I get older and *maybe* have a family of my own, my traditions will pass down to another generation!
  5. Take the holiday season with a grain of salt. The holiday season isn’t something that has to be or feel different than any other time of a year, in reality. If you’re not into the holiday season, then don’t treat it any differently than you do with the rest of the year. The holiday season, if not just a big season full of consumerism, wouldn’t be a big deal if our country wasn’t so captailist-hungry like it is. Again, the holiday season is difficult for a lot of people, and if you just don’t have any holiday spirit within you, that’s okay. No one is telling you that you have to be or feel a certain way because of the holidays. Treat this season how you feel is best for you!

Again, this time of year is different for everybody, and that’s okay if you don’t feel or have that cheesy, Hallmark-like holiday that society tries to shove down your throat. your holiday season is unique to you and whether or not you celebrate, that’s completely okay! As long as you’re healthy, okay, and getting past this next month of holiday stuff, that’s all that should matter.

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2019

SAS: Let’s Talk About Demiromanticism. (12/14/19)


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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

How is everyone doing? We are officially (somewhat) at the middle mark of the month, and today marks the official first day of Twelve Letters of Lizmas!

I wanted to start off this particular post addressing something that I wrote about a month ago; it was a chapter of the Overexposed: A Self-Love Project series here on the blog which was called My Romantic Attraction.

First and foremost, I wanted to thank everyone who read the post and sent their love and support! I honestly didn’t think anyone would care enough to read it, but I’m glad that the post was well-received. It was definitely liberating to speak about such a personal topic on the blog; in other ways, it has helped me even be more explicit with myself, if that was even possible! Besides that, I’m thankful to have an open and positive community that is supportive as you guys!

Of course, to those who may not have understood what I was writing about or even when I explained it to my mother the other night, I wanted to write and teach some things about demiromanticism that I’m learning along the way and help those in my life understand that this truly isn’t a big change within myself, and I’m going to treat everyone the way I’ve always did. 

With that being said, let’s just started!

Picture & Pin made by Doodlepeople on Etsy

Continue reading “SAS: Let’s Talk About Demiromanticism. (12/14/19)”