Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2019

Your Pixie-Cut Friend: One Year Later.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

It’s kind of crazy that the people that I met this year never knew the Liz with her signature half updo ponytail, and they possibly can’t imagine me with long hair either since meeting me with a pixie cut. I can assume it’s vice versa for those who only know me with long hair, but it has come that time of year when it’s been one full year being Liz, your pixie cut friend. 

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First picture with the pixie: Dec. 2018

The thought of me having a pixie cut came after I began cutting my hair shorter and shorter throughout 2018; it seems like no matter how short I would cut my “chin-length bob”, I didn’t feel right. Throughout November 2018, I was going through a lot of personal issues and when I decided I needed a fresh change, I always try to change my hair first. On one Sunday evening, I went to my sibling and asked them to cut my hair into a pixie. The rest, ladies and gentlemen, was history. 

Cutting my hair into a hairstyle I never had before was liberating, to say the least. I felt control over my body after months of anxiety not letting me have so anymore, and I found myself gaining the type of confidence I’d never get in this body of mine. Sure, every now and then I had some sort of gender crisis and felt too boyish, but for most of my days, I liked this new version of myself.

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April 2019

I became confident in a lot of areas in my life once I cut my hair this short. I don’t know what it was; maybe it was the mindset of “if I can make such a big decision like chopping all my hair off, I can handle this bump on the road too” that got me through some of the most difficult conversations and decision-making scenarios I’ve had this last year. I also didn’t have many self-regrets or doubts anymore, which was such a huge issue for me throughout 2018. Sure, I still have them as we speak, but I don’t have those episodes as bad as I did since I gained that confidence within myself.

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June 2019

Of course, I got bored every now and then and when the weather got hot, my hair was annoying and sweaty most of the time. I told my sibling I wanted my hair to be even shorter for the summer, and when I got what I wanted, I loved it instantly! I felt that boost of confidence that I had earlier in the year… for like a week. I quickly regretted the decision to cut my hair even shorter because, well, let’s say I felt even more self-conscious and boyish than I felt before. I’m still trying to grow out my hair back to what it was when I first cut it, and she’s getting there!

Even though there were moments I didn’t feel comfortable with myself or secure enough with my gender, I found myself more confident than ever when it came to my wardrobe. You see, prior to this haircut, I did not own one summery casual dress because I felt too fat to wear them, and for some reason, I challenged myself this summer season and wore all the dresses I could possibly wear, and I actually miss wearing them! Wearing the dresses without feeling like I was too fat or insecure was such a major milestone in my journey of healing and loving myself. It’s something I definitely believe my haircut helped me be ready to finally do.

Since then, I’ve played around with color for the last couple of months because, well, I’ve pretty much been on a whole other level with my decision making since this past summer. I mean, I got two tattoos since then, I’ve changed my hair color three times since October, and well, I’ve been trying new things that I was too afraid to try before this new transition in my life began. It’s been trial and error, but there have been moments when I did something and went oh yeah, this is it! Currently, it’s my faded purple hair with roots as long as God knows.

 

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Of course, there are moments when I miss my long hair. I miss how it frames my face, I miss straightening it and curling it and trying out different hairstyles whenever I got bored with it. I miss the natural curl on the bottom of my hair. Hello, I miss my signature ponytail! While there are moments that I wish I can have my long hair back like right now, I’m also reminded that hair is hair, and it will grow back. As we speak, I’m not keeping up with my haircuts anymore only because I want more of a long pixie for the new year, and maaaybe we’ll get long hair Liz back in 2021, who knows? All I know is that I don’t regret the decision of cutting my hair into a pixie. It’s become a part of my identity that I actually like; it’s helped me be more confident and assertive with myself and worthy of myself. It’s allowed me to try out new things that my security blanket of long hair wouldn’t allow me to do.

So, happy hair-a-versary, pixie! Thank you for allowing me to grow into the person I am today; a person that I never thought I’d become within the last year! Thank you for helping me gain some confidence, spunk, and good energy within myself. I’m where I’m supposed to be in life because you’ve taught me valuable lessons to move forward with it. Here’s to a longer you coming soon, I mean I’m waiting for your ass to grow into the long pixie you’re supposed to be! Haha (:

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