Category: Blogust 2019: The Series

Blogust 2019: The Series, Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: The Product (So Far).

liz

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Sometimes, I wonder how I got here. I look back and remember all the hate I inflicted on myself and body and wonder when did that all change. Did I hurt myself so deep that I don’t feel it anymore? Did I get tired of hating myself? Do therapy and medication help?

Hi, my name is Liz, and I don’t know what caused me to start loving myself authentically.

It wasn’t too long ago that I still hated myself and how I looked. I thought my bob haircut back in 2017 was too boyish and that I wasn’t considered feminine anymore. I thought my summer depression was caused due to the fact that I hating how I looked in summer clothing. I thought I wasn’t “glo’ing up” because in my mind fat meant ugly and if I got fatter since the last time someone saw me, it meant that I was doing bad. I thought eating in public or to talk about food, in general, made me fat. My hair always had to be long enough to frame my double-chin face; the list goes on.

I think I just got so tired of putting these restrictions on myself and letting past-trauma get to me that I just dropped everything and said, “fuck this shit.”

Maybe it was the moment I started therapy and started to treat my social anxiety disorder in a professional way. Maybe it was when I was suicidal last November and I vanished from the face of the earth to try to find myself again. Maybe it was when I finally said that I was going to cut my hair into a pixie. Maybe it was when I bought my first summer dress. Maybe I always loved myself deep down, and I just never knew it was right to still love yourself after being fat for your entire life.

I will not let the stereotype of “being fat means I’m miserable” get to me. I’m bubbly, I’m fun, I’m positive, and I’m an optimistic person (that’s if my anxiety doesn’t put her two cents into it). I will not let the countless commercials for weight-loss programs persuade me into thinking that I will be happy just those people who lost all that weight. I will not allow outsider’s comments or those who don’t know me personally, persuade me into thinking I’m nothing but my weight. I’m not my weight, but I will embrace my body for what it is.

Society believes that fat people who love themselves are these delusional, lazy people that don’t want to see the problems they carry, which I could understand, that’s if you’re an idiot. It’s truly not even about loving your fatness, it’s about accepting who you are as a person and loving who you are, whether you’re fat, skinny, black, white – everyone deserves the opportunity to grow and love themselves as they come.

It’s taken me a long time to stand where I am today and be okay with how I look and the body I carry. Maybe she’ll change in the future; maybe she’ll be up to get healthier as it gets older.

The product is never fully finished.

The product as it stands here today is a 25-year-old woman who is at her heaviest, yet also who’s loved herself the most, who’s been the most confident, who’s felt the freest. The product stands as a short-hair, double-chin, short & chubby young adult that is continuing her journey on loving herself. The product just came to be, and I don’t know when and how that happened.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been overexposed these last few months.

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Blogust 2019: The Series, Monthly Favorites

Day 30: August 2019 Highlights & Favorites!

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Let me start off by saying this: good friggin’ riddance, August, and hello September! I was never this happy for September to be coming my way.

But before we can fully hop into a new month, we gotta talk about some favorites and highlights of August! A lot has happened in the course of 30 days (thus far)! So, let’s get straight into some highlights of the month:

1.) Ya girl got hired!

Yes, I know, finally. It was fate, let’s just say. The job listing that was posted for my job was already 15 days in, and I was telling myself, “man, should I even bother applying for it? They probably found someone for the position by now”. I guess I said yolo and just applied for the job. I applied for the job on a Sunday, I got the callback on a Wednesday, and I was hired by that Friday. It just feels natural for me to gain some experience at a place I already know a lot, so it eliminates a lot of the anxiety I would’ve felt at a new place, in a new atmosphere, with the potential of getting lost. 

My job is at my old college’s bookstore, it’s part-time, and it has the potential to be permanent in the future. It’s retail, I know, but it’s not the crazy retail that you find at a mall or in Manhattan with a variety of different people, it’s literally working with college students, which I ultimately want to do. This truly is a good first job to have; it’s not overly consuming, I still can have my therapy sessions on my day off, and I’m working with such a nice and helpful crew; I could’ve had asked for a better first job than this one.

2.) Blogust!

Man, this year’s Blogust flew by compared to last year! I felt prepared enough to blog every single day for the month of August, but I also feel like the days just kept going and going and now BAM! It’s over now. It was fun to write something every day; it allowed me to showcase some of the things I rarely write about (i.e creative pieces and such) so I’m glad that Blogust gives me that opportunity.

You can check out the Blogust 2019 Series, as a whole, here.

Favorites:

1.) tvN’s “Mafia Game in Prison”

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Yes, another South Korea related thing. Newsflash: All my favorites are going to be Kpop/Korean related. Anyway, this show is fucking funny, hands down. The synopsis of the show is 12 people (guest stars are usually Kpop Idols or other actors and comedians) who play the mafia game. In this version, 9 people are “model prisoners” while 3 people are the “mafia”. Players know if they are a model prisoner if they are giving a keyword for that game, while mafia members don’t know what that word is. The 12 people are split into two teams: Team Honesty & Team Diligence. In a variety of competitive games, the team that wins gets an extra ballot of votes, while the losing team has to do either the drawing or motion penalty. In these penalties, the players have to draw or act out something that is related to the keyword without being too direct, or you risk the mafia members figuring out the word and acting as a model prisoner. If all 3 mafia members are caught after 5 rounds, the model prisoners win. If there are still mafia members left after the 5 rounds, the mafia wins. It’s just a really fun show to watch, and quite frankly I like to figure out the keywords myself and pick out who may be the mafia members. Newsflash: I’m usually wrong. 

2.) X1’s Debut Album, 비상: Quantum Leap

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How are my PDX101 babies so grown now? It’s only been a month and a half since they were announced! X1’s debut was crazy good, to say the least. On August 27th, they released their first mini-album entitled,비상: Quantum Leap. On this album, they released 6 songs with their title track called “Flash“. Let me just say this: I love this concept in the group. I feel like every member benefits from this concept (yes, even baby Dongpyo and Hyeongjun) and for a rookie group, they carry such a mature sound to them. In order of the picture, there’s Eunsang, Seungwoo, Seungyoun, Hangyul, Wooseok, Yohan, Hyeongjun, Dongpyo, Junho, Minhee, and Dohyon. Although you can read my thoughts on their debut here, you know I had to include them in my monthly favorites because their debut was so highly anticipated, and it was definitely worth the wait. X1 hwaiting!

3.) Everglow’s “Adios”

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Everglow is that group that will become widely popular as they release more comebacks throughout the years, and it’s crazy because they come from an agency that doesn’t have any well-known girl groups in the previous generations that were widely popular. Yes, I’m aware Cosmic Girls exist, but they aren’t from 2nd generation Kpop and they are co-managed by Starship Entertainment. Guys, Everglow is killing the game, and “Adios” is a strong competitor for other songs out right now. Everglow’s overall concept is a sexy, girl crush one, and they all honestly slay that concept so well! They are all sexy and mature in their own ways, and I think every member contributes to that image well for the overall concept of their group. Like many people speculated, “Adios” has some similar sounds and melodies to Blackpink’s “Kill This Love“, but in my unpopular opinion: “Adios” is superior. While “Kill This Love” killed my soul when it was first released, the song isn’t something I found myself listening to after two weeks. It just began to feel repetitive and melody-wise, it wasn’t really intriguing. “Adios” in other ways carries more of an addictive melody, and I just don’t know, I just prefer Everglow’s than Blackpink’s. Don’t come for me, Blinks. “Adios” is off of their second mini-album entitled, H:U:S:H. 

And that’s about it! Here’s to the new month, a new season (Fall where you at boo), and some new highlights and favorites!

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Blogust 2019: The Series

Day 29: My First Week of Work Went A Little Something Like This.

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, I finally got a job. It’s definitely a good one for a first job, and in any case, it allows me to be as helpful as possible to students regarding their studies in college. My first job is working as a bookseller at the bookstore of my old college. It’s a good first job because, for a person with such a high-alert type of anxiety, the unfamiliarity with the atmosphere isn’t present here because I attended college at this place for 6 years and I definitely had my fair share of being a customer at the college bookstore.

So when I got hired for this position, I took it, even if it might not turn permanent after the rush of the first month of the semester is over and the students are settled in their classes. My old college has become like a second home to me after being a student there for 6 years straight, and working there for a first job just felt right. I got insanely lucky to have my first real job be with such nice management and cool co-workers that the work didn’t even feel like work. Although last week was just training and the semester didn’t officially start until this past Tuesday, it’s definitely been a good experience. As I’m writing this, I haven’t experienced what rush may look like, but if it’s anything I imagined it would be, it would be insanely busy and hopefully, I got through it in one piece. Of course, I have an understanding team working with me so of course, if I need any assistance with something, I can always ask for it. But sitting here writing this after training and all of that, I’m excited to be productive and busy at work and getting a feel with the register and the atmosphere of the bookstore more.

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The first two days at the job, I did a lot of stocking books on the shelves and unloading a lot of books from boxes. My first day was a little rough; I was in a dress nevertheless, and I accidentally cut myself with a boxcutter because it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. Training week was also very humid and hot, so the constant moving around to bookshelves and such made me extremely sweaty. Thankfully once the semester starts, stocking will become a minimum to my routine.

I also can’t lie and say that my body has gotten adjusted to the new routine as well. Because I am on the heavier side, being on my feet all day took a toll on my body for the first week, and it honestly made me immensely sore at the end of the day. If there’s anything that work has taught me so far, it’s to get a comfortable pair of work shoes that my feet will feel good being in for 7 to 8 hours at a time.

Although the job is temporary and I may not stay on board after the rush, I really do hope that it’s permanent because I really do enjoy it there. Right now, there are 11 of us working at the bookstore for the rush, but I can only imagine that number is going to be cut in half after everything calms down. Only time will tell if I stay or not, but I really hope I do for some time.

Anyway, that’s it for the day! I’ll actually be at work when this publishes, so I hope future Liz is getting the hang of things and is enjoying herself at work!

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Blogust 2019: The Series, Music Reviews

Day 28: My Thoughts on X1’s Debut.

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

The day is finally here! We came from discussing my top picks of PDX101 and the final line up to now finally listening to X1’s first mini-album, 비상: Quantum Leap. Where did the time go? I’m quite shocked that they decided to debut these boys not too long after the finale of Produce X 101, but here we are! This is the first boy group I ever truly stanned simply because I was an active viewer of PDX101, and the final line up of these boys were some of the best final results that we got out of the Produce series although there were some complications regarding the voting. Besides that, I was personally very happy with the final lineup of this group, and when it was announced that they were debuting in late-August, I was immensely excited for it. Well, they debuted as a group yesterday, they had their debut showcase (which I haven’t watched yet but I will probably cry like a baby), and they are now officially idols in the Kpop world. So much can change in a month!

When their agency released the member photos for both the 비상 concept and the Quantum Leap concept, I was blown away. Here’s an example of them both for my current bias, Seungwoo:

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Personally, I’m all for the darker concept on these boys because they all just fit with it so well! Of course, they all fit with the more cutesy group concept as well, I mean let’s all agree this photo of X1 is adorable.

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So, let’s talk about their debut.

Their debut title track, “Flash” is definitely different than I thought it would be, and I don’t mean that in a bad way! The genre of the song is different than I’ve heard for other boy groups, but then again, I feel like the sound fits them perfectly for who they are. Their performance for this song is honestly out of this world. To know that some of these boys were only trainees for less than 2 years (with the exception of the others who already debuted in other groups), their level of professionalism is crazy. Their dancing is powerful, in-sync, and they truly look like a group that trained with each other for years rather than just a couple of weeks. It truly shows the level of determination and passion these boys have!

So, the album itself also showcases a lot of different sides to them, which is a relief knowing that some idols and their albums come back with one specific genre and concept. While “Stand Up” and “Flash” show a cooler, more mature concept, the other two songs “웃을 때 제일 예뻐 (You’re The Prettiest When You Smile)” and “괜찮아요 (It’s Okay)” definitely showcase different sounds. The former song reminds me of PDX101’s “Pretty Girl“, so it was nice to have all the members fit that concept in this song as well. The ladder one is a ballad, which vocalists like Seungwoo, Wooseok, and Junho (and even Yohan) are so amazingly good at – so I’m glad they weren’t afraid to include a ballad in their debut mini-album.

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When the tracklist was first revealed, I was ecstatic to find out that they re-recorded “U Got It” and “MOVE” and put them on their album. I believe it’s a first for the Produce series-produced group to put songs from the show’s concept evaluation onto their debut albums, so I was surprised to see that they are on there as X1. I can understand why they were recorded for this album: they are some of the best concept songs to come out of the Produce series, and these two songs had everyone talking when they were released. Of course, I love the PDX101 versions of these songs, but I’m so really to fall in love with the song again under X1.

Overall, I’m very satisfied with their debut! I believe that the Produce series and the agency that helps produce these shows are becoming better at making their produce groups’ debuts ones to remember. I believe that IOI and Wanna One’s debuts were overshadowed by other comebacks, and I believe once IZ*ONE came to be last year under Produce 48, they made sure their debuts were memorable.

With that very said, I am very excited to see these boys take over the Kpop industry for the next 5 years!

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Blogust 2019: The Series, Topic Tuesdays: Random

Day 27: I’m A Horrible Multitasker.

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

For a person who juggled school life, romantic life, personal life, and social life all at once during my student days, you would think I have a pretty good grip on how much I am able to accomplish within a certain amount of time, right?

Boy, I wish.

I think after I stopped being a student, I lost those multitasking skills because nowadays, I’m horrible at multitasking. It’s also weird; I feel as if people my age are always multitasking, yet if I attempt to do it, I break down. Truly, I do. 

If you’re anything like me, you would know how hard it is to fit things in your schedule, not because you’re extremely busy or anything, but once you have one or two things planned for the week, you then feel like you have a lot of shit on your plate and simply can’t juggle it all. Like that last sentence; make sure to take a breath during that lengthy explanation. 

I’m not bad at being organized and I don’t have a problem doing things on a deadline and whatnot, it’s more so I’m bad that “killing two birds with one stone.” I mean, if I have a therapy session to get to, but I have to walk the extra blocks to my pharmacy to pick up my medicine or something, it’s a trip. In fact, I almost died of exhaustion the last time I did that. 

But it’s simply not because I don’t want to do it. It’s more so of the fact that in my routine, the one my homegirl Anxiety and I have compromised together, doesn’t leave me feeling out of place or comfortable.

Lemme explain.

You see, we anxiety-ridden peeps (I apologize for the usage of “peeps” and I apologize for targeting my anxiety-ridden life yet again), function on having a routine. We all (if not most) hate the thought of change or a shift in our routine. When there is a shift of routine, we are pretty much only thinking about that one thing all day, until that event comes. When you find out what routine works best for you, it’s extremely hard to try to get out of it because it’s then our anxiety telling us to not break the routine. For example, if on Wednesdays I have therapy, but this particular Wednesday I have to do laundry either before or after my session, I’m all out-of-whack. I feel like I don’t have control over my own day. Is it nonsense? Uh, yeah, but does my homegirl named “Anxiety” care? Nope.

So, if there’s only one major thing you can handle out of your days, then so be it (for now)! Remember that routines are always bound to change, whether we’re aware of them or not! Some routine changes are going to be more difficult and uncomfortable than others, but I encourage to always find opportunities to switch things up a bit just so I get more comfortable in switches in my routine.

A good example is getting a job: most of my routine is now me at my job, doing what I have to do, and getting through the day. At first, it was scary to have such a big change in schedule in such short notice, and it just took me some techniques and exercises to adjust my body into the new routine. Does it mean that I’m any better at multitasking? No, it just means that I’m becoming more accepting to routine changes, which means if anything comes up, I’m able to learn how to multitask without freaking out that I had too much in my hands.

So, don’t beat yourself up if you can’t juggle more than one thing at a time. Maybe you’re just built to focus on one thing at a time, while others are able to tackle more than one task at a time. It doesn’t mean you’re lazy, it just means you’re a little more slow-paced and articulated about the activities you do during your routine.

So, hey if you’re a horrible multitasker, that’s fine! Welcome to my exclusive club.

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Blogust 2019: The Series

Day 26: A Recap of Summer 2019.

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Although here in NYC, we don’t get Fall-like weather until when the Fall actually arrives in late September, socially and professionally, our summer will be officially over in a week. Isn’t that crazy? Although this summer was a hot one, it feels like it just came and went, and now most of us are all getting ready to get back to school, back to early mornings with our jobs (if they weren’t so intense during the summer), and it’s just now time to say goodbye to those careless-free summer days and nights.

Boy, am I happy for summer to go. 

This summer, compared to the previous ones I’ve had, wasn’t as bad! I was able to not become so depressed like I usually do during the summer season, and overall it was a productive one… which is odd because summertime is usually reserved for relaxation and vacations. 

I was particularly “in grind mode” this summer and taking the opportunity to get some professional and personal work done during these slow months. For most of the summer, you were able to find me reading a lot of writing studies/rhetoric stuff for my ongoing project with my co-writer, Ro. In the times I wasn’t reading on my own, I spent some of my hot mornings/afternoons in a coffee shop in Park Slope with Ro, catching up on life and getting to know each other better now that I’m not her student and she’s not my professor anymore. She is definitely a friend of mine, and I’m absolutely grateful to have her in my life. Keeping me busy with readings not only has kept my mind from becoming mush after graduating a year ago, but it also allows me to stay focus on something rather than having my mind gravitate towards negative thoughts.

Despite that professional project, I’ve also had some callbacks for some interviews during the summer! I am beyond grateful that there are actual employers that found my resume interesting enough for a callback, and I’m grateful I landed one of these jobs in time for the new season! I’ve been learning a lot about myself through the job interview process, which is also very helpful in my self-discovering journey as a 25-year-old woman. It allows me to see myself through different lenses; the lenses that truly is me behind all the mental health issues and such, and sometimes – it’s great to see yourself more than just your issues. It’s hard for me not to see myself as just an anxious mess half of the time.

Mainly, I’ve just been trying to keep myself sane through these months of feeling like I’m trapped inside my house because the heat and I are a very bad mix. Cue me getting sick.

The Blogust Series has kept my mind and I focused, and I sometimes believe that I’m just meant to do work all the time because it’s the only time when I’m not reminded that I have negative thoughts constantly on my mind, telling me I’m a failure that does nothing but makes mistakes and bad decisions. Throughout the month of August, I had to be very honest with myself and ask myself some serious questions because things were just getting bad again, and I’m grateful that I can confine in my therapist to help me through these funks and episodes that are just so hard to go through at times. Sometimes, it’s minor and they go away once I refocus my energy on something more important. Other times, it consumes me whole and it’s hard to get out of it, no matter how hard I try.

So, while this year’s recap is a lot more positive and optimistic than last year’s recap, I am reminded that every year I am growing. I am reminded that I will always learn from hardships I have, I will always try to be a better person than I was before, and that I am always working towards the bigger picture, which is finding my place in this scary world. Don’t get me wrong, I wish I didn’t have to sweat my ass off for 3 months straight while doing so, but even with getting past the hot weather I feel like I am progressing. I’m not perfect, I’m trying to tell myself I’m not perfect, but I will always be the best version of myself.

So, goodbye Summer 2019. Thanks for keeping me productive and optimistic for my future. Fall 2019, treat me good, babe.

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Blogust 2019: The Series, Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: How Is Your Healing Journey Going?

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

I can’t believe how fast this month went. I mean, June passed, July dragged, I blinked and now here I am, just a couple of days away from September. I hope everyone has a smooth transition from summer break to back-to-school this week!

But speaking of the end of the month approaching, I must ask: how is your healing journey going?

Are you checking-in with yourself? Are you giving yourself the time and space needed to do these mental check-in’s? Even more important: are you aware of the behavior and emotions that you are going through?

I know how difficult it may be to not give yourself some time for these check-ins, but it’s important to be aware where you’re at in your healing journey, and it’s important to acknowledge that yeah, you’re busy, but your mental health is also a priority. 

For me, I’ve been aware of some of the behaviors I’ve had, which usually means that I’m currently going through an episode. It’s common when you have depression. Some days are just going to be bad, and that’s okay – but a good check-in for an issue like this would see how many days of the week do I feel this way. Were there any good days I had, and if so – why was it a better day than the rest? Just simply documenting why I felt a certain way and how I dealt with it is beneficial to the process.

I say this because a lot of us dealing with clinical levels of anxiety or depression tend to simply just overthink or allow our bodies to take control when really, it stems from our cognitive thinking.

What I mean by that is that usually, the negative thought begins, which then makes you feel that emotion and then behave according to that emotion. For example, you failed your driver’s test that you’ve worked so hard on for the past couple of months. You’re upset because you failed it. You think about all the things you had planned for when you passed this test. Now you feel like a failure, and now you’re negatively thinking you’re a failure and not good enough. So you lay in bed all week with little to no interest to do anything because you’re really just torn about the test’s outcome. It’s simple: when you allow negative thoughts to continuously go through your mind, it’s only a certain amount of time when you start acting accordingly to those negative thoughts. To change that cycle, checking-in with yourself is one way to actively be aware of what’s going on and try to prevent your behavior from getting out of hand.

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So, how do we truly stop this cycle from happening over and over again? Well, in some cases, it requires some professional assistance like therapy. In some cases, it requires another person asking these questions back at you: what thought created that feeling? When you starting to feel that feeling, how did you react to it? How has your behavior changed since first thinking that negative thought? Again, it’s all about being aware of what’s happening and to actually be open and honest with yourself.

Don’t just sit there and pretend that just because you’re feeling numb, doesn’t mean you’re not feeling sadness. Numbness is a major symptom of depression, and in some cases – I believe feeling numb is a lot worse than feeling sad. I should know. 

I’m not saying that there will be an answer for everything; maybe you don’t know when or how the behavior started, but know that it started for a reason. As I’m learning to stop minimalize my feelings, I’m also being more aware of the fact that while depression is an on-again-off-again mood disorder, it surfaces from something that you may be feeling.

So, how are you feeling?

Even a simple check-up on how are you feeling can be so helpful to your mental health. Don’t overanalyze everything and make something out of nothing, but if you’re not feeling 100% on this particular day, sit yourself down and ask yourself what’s going on.

In a sense, you’re becoming your own supporter when you ask yourself what’s wrong instead of seeking it out from others.

So, starting this week, ask yourself how are you contributing to your healing journey.

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Blogust 2019: The Series, Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: “Plus-Sized, My Ass.”

liz

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I love shopping for new clothes. What person doesn’t?

I love looking forward to getting a new piece of clothing and having it in my wardrobe and just having that boost of confidence once I put it on. I also love the compliments I get every now and then from people asking me where I got my outfit from. I’ve never been one to be called a “fashionista”, I just wear what I like and that makes me feel as comfortable as possible. Of course, being a fat girl like me, it takes a couple of strikeouts to finally find something that fits.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m too fat to shop at the “trendy” clothing stores most people do.

I started to really get into clothes when I was a freshman in college; I now had some money in my pocket from school and I was in desperate need of a revamp in wardrobe. Prior to college, I don’t even remember where I got most of my clothes from, but I knew that I found a gold mine when I looked up the plus-sized section at Forever 21.

As a 19-year-old, Forever 21 was my shit. I browsed the website like there was no tomorrow and it seemed like I always bought something every week from them; I kid you not. Every week, I had a yellow Forever 21 bag stuck inside my mailbox, and just like that, my wardrobe was completely Forever 21’d out. Going into my sophomore year in college, the endless Forever 21 outfits continued.

Until I turned 21, ironically.

From being a 1X as a freshman to practically squeezing myself in their biggest size by the time I was a junior, something felt really wrong. The clothes weren’t fitting me as well as they were, and I began to receive clothing in their biggest size that still looked like an extra-large at best. I remember holding up a shirt I had just ordered from Forever 21 and simply said, “plus-sized, my ass.”

The “plus-size” models on their website become thinner and thinner until I truly had to question whether or not they were just average weight for their height or actually “plus-sized”. They weren’t your “average models”, but they also weren’t representing the plus-size clothing right either. You either had to be 5’11 and 180 pounds, and girl, I am neither of those things. 

When I officially grew out of their clothing, it hit me pretty hard that yeah, even though I gained 50 pounds after having surgery, I was now even bigger and I now had to find something else to fit me. I’ve tried other trendy plus-size clothing outlets: Torrid, JCPenney, Target; the list goes on and on. I just couldn’t find clothing that I felt cute in and comfortable in: I had to settle for “older women style” clothing that was comfortable, or “cute, age-appropriate” clothing that wasn’t comfortable. It took me (and the plus-size clothing industry) a hell of a long time to finally produce clothes that fit all types of body shapes. Most of my wardrobe is actually from a notorious “old lady” catalog which is another story for a different day.

My point being is that being fat shouldn’t be punishable, or a consequence when you’re shopping for clothes. Trendy and cute isn’t exclusive to average-weight people in this world, and not all older women are a 3x and 4x in clothing sizes, sweetheart. We are diverse, and we would like some diversity in our clothing! Not everything has to be for a body of a “thinner fat person” or just an average person, we FAT FATS EXIST!

It’s taken some waiting and research to finally find clothes that are my style, my size, and that makes me feel confident again. Finding clothes that are cute and that fit me was one of the major reasons why I chose to wear dresses and skirts this summer without feeling like I was too fat for them. Never in a million years did I think I was actually going to fall in love with myself in the clothes that I now wear.

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At 25, it took years to finally feel like younger, fat girls are now seen in clothing brands. From the last I checked, Forever 21 does now carry a 4X in a couple of their pieces, but man, Forever 21 is canceled after this incident happened a couple of weeks ago.

Wear your clothes proudly, and feel fucking cute in them too!

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Blogust 2019: The Series

Day 23: Why I’m Such Kpop Trash: A Confession.

liz

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

As I desperately await X1’s debut this week, Kpop has been the only thing on my mind. I’m legit just way too excited to tune in to their live-stream of their showcase, and I’m going to be sitting on my computer, like a proud mama, finally stanning a boy group after almost a year of not being interested in them.

With that being said, I actually wanted to talk about how and why I got into Kpop music and explain to people who may not understand how I can enjoy it so much. Listen, Kpop is such a global phenomenon as we speak, and more and more people are enjoying Kpop music more than ever. Although other generations of Kpop made their way into westernized countries in the past, Kpop wasn’t truly recognized, nor taken seriously, until BTS came into the picture and shut shit down. 

Even though I didn’t discover my love for Kpop through them, I’m glad that one day at the Asian laundromat in my neighborhood was playing some Kpop music; preferably TWICE.

As I started to branch out my interests in Kpop music such as seeking through the many albums TWICE released up to date and finding similar girl groups with high popularity, Kpop started to become the only music I was listening to, and it truly wasn’t because I was now this Korean wannabe American that hates American music. Quite frankly, my interests in music are not in Top 40 as much anymore; surely, I still will bop to Ariana Grande’s new songs or another pop princess on the charts, but I’ve just become more of an “oldies but goodies” music listener. Yes, not only am I Kpop trash, but I am also old-school trash as well. 

For many people, music is their safe haven. Music truly is the universal language and it’s such a healing experience when you are in need of it. In the past, I have to thank Kelly Clarkson’s My December album for saving my life through my darkest of times. While the last thing that truly saved my life was the TV show, The Killing back in 2013 and 2014, this time around, I discovered something new that’s continuously saving my life.

Kpop music is saving my life, as we speak, as I write this, at this moment, and that’s why it’s so important to me.

Although I don’t engage in any Kpop toxic communities that just see these human beings as literal entertainment mules, I live in my bubble of discovering new music that is coming out, follow all of my favorite groups and wait for their comebacks, and yes, even watching Korean survival shows, like PDX101.

At first, I was truly embarrassed to be so interested in music that was in a language I don’t understand, and many people who don’t listen to Kpop don’t understand how I listen to it or how it even gets stuck in my head which it truly does, but now I just don’t care. Everyone that knows me knows my love for Kpop, and whether they want to label me this “Koreaboo” now that I enjoy something like Kpop, a lot, that’s on them.

Because everyone has something in this world that saves their lives when they are in tough times, and mine just happens to be Kpop.

Let me know if any of you guys listen to Kpop! Leave some suggestions, tell me what’s your favorite Kpop groups! I’m more than happy to connect with you guys through some of my favorite songs in Kpop!

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Blogust 2019: The Series, Self-Reflection

Day 22: Dear 22.

liz

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DEAR 22,

I miss you.

You brought a presence with you that I haven’t felt since you left and 23 came around. Being 25, I still mourn the loss of you.

You made life so simple and joyous, and sometimes I really do wonder if we are even the same person. I mean, aren’t I suppose to be older and wiser than you, 22? Isn’t three years of life suppose to make me grow? But maybe that’s it: maybe I grew up and realize just how much life isn’t always easy-going and fun like we dreamed.

22, I wish I remember how you got so happy. I mean, 21 was so shitty, and I just wish I documented how you were able to turn things around and make 22 as amazing as it was.

Was it the routine of being a college student without any worries in the world besides getting good grades and graduating on time? Was it waking up in the morning, feeling like I had a purpose in life? Was it because I had dreams that I thought by 25 I’d accomplished that kept me alive? Was it the love I had felt intensely? Man, was it the amazing friends I loved so much that I never missed a day of acting class because they brought so much joy into my life?

It’s everything about you, 22.

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It was your strength to keep loving everything and everyone around you. It was your ability to take your weaknesses and still shine through them because you were strong. You were able to trust others so willingly, be yourself so willingly to people who felt like they were a part of your life for years. You felt free, you felt carelessness for the negatives of the world, you made every single day matter even when you felt sadness.

You are the person I should be at 25, and yet here we are: me looking up to you.

I don’t know what happened, 22, and I’m sorry that I’m not the person you expected me to be. Shit, you looked up to me: A Master’s graduate, doing what I loved to do, being happy with so many supportive friends around me, living my life how it’s supposed to be. At 22, you understood that life sometimes happens and plans don’t always go as planned, but man, you probably never thought we’d be here at this moment.

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I know that in the future, I will be able to find you again during the moments I feel extreme happiness. I will see glimpses of you when I’m finally feeling put together again; when I’m finally feeling like myself in this damn body. There will be a time in the future when another version of me will outshine the happiness you once carried, there will be a time in the future that I will understand that 25 had to feel this way and go through this, just how you understood that you had to go through 18, 19, and 21 in order to be strong.

Future me will find friends in the future who will come to your rescue, like the ones that rescued you towards the end of 21 and flourished into 22. Future me will be able to trust others once again and let other’s in permanently without feeling like people have a motive with their kindness. Future me won’t feel as alone as 25 does currently because maybe future me will have a better understanding of what it means to be their own best friend during times like this.

I hope future me is a more grown-up version of you, 22, and I hope I get to meet her soon.

But for now, I’m missing you, 22. Everything that you embody is what I miss the most.

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YOURS TRULY, 25.