If there’s anything I could say about 25, it’s that this is my year of being edgy.
For most of my life, I rocked all different lengths of hair: short, medium, long – you name it, and I had it. The one haircut that I was always around of trying was the pixie cut, so when I decided to cut it into a pixie cut in December and then even shorter for the summer, it was definitely something new that I needed.
The Kpop boy band haircut was still feminine in a strange way. It was long enough to still be styled and clipped up and I didn’t really have like an inner gender crisis until I cut it extremely short for the summer. Sure, it looked good on actress Joey King, a petite, cute, and skinny girl, but I feared that the cute little fairy pixie cut I wanted to try for the summer didn’t exactly match.
It gave me some real insecurities about my feminity and “softness”, not because of my haircut per se, but simply because I’m a fat girl with a really short haircut.
And society’s judgemental ideology of the fat, short-haired woman meant I wasn’t as edgy or attractive as the skinny short-haired woman. We are looked at as ugly, manly, and “butch-like”.
Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m not masculine or a lesbian despite your twisted stereotypes about fat, short-haired women.
One summer day, there was a conversation between my parents and me about my short-haircut was one that I honestly won’t forget. It left me speechless and quite upset that the fat, short-haired woman ideology is also believed by my own family. While my father was trying to make some backward-fucking-case about how women should have long hair, my mother tried to intervene and made a point that “Halle Berry rocked short-hair” to which then my father made the hourglass outline with his hands and said, “but Halle Berry is like this though!” At that moment, I felt the knot form in my throat; I was not only faced with some harsh judgment from my own family but the judgments I had about myself were now being spoken out of the mouths of other people, making me believe that whatever insecurities I had about myself true. I stood quiet, pretty much internalized my feelings because it’s a force of habit, and let it rock.
Although, it did nothing but increase the intensity of my depression I was going through during that time.
It made me think about a variety of things that night: do I look ugly with my short hair? Was it a mistake to even try out this haircut? Was I prettier with longer hair? Am I just too fat to have this haircut? The thoughts were never-ending and because they were, I then started to get angry. Why is the pixie cut only cute on thinner girls and not fat girls? Why are thinner women with pixie cuts not constantly questioned about their femininity and sexuality, but fatter women with the haircut are instantly stripped from their femininity and labeled as a “butch”? Why are we still living in a society that prefers one body type over the other one, STILL?
Ladies and gentlemen, my body and the way I dress with a short haircut do not give you the right to judge the type of person I am. My fatness and a short haircut don’t define a stereotype. Maybe the majority of bisexual or lesbian women don’t have long hair, but it doesn’t mean that every fat girl with a short haircut isn’t feminine enough. I did not cut my hair to erase my femininity; I cut it because I needed to stop thinking that long hair was the only thing that made me pretty. I did it to fall in love with my body, myself, and my image, and man do I love myself more than I ever did in the 25 years of living.
But, it doesn’t mean that society’s opinions of women that look like me don’t hurt.
It’s annoying to think that society, even other women, believe that women are ugly with pixie cuts. It’s annoying to have elderly, old-fashioned people in the streets stare at me like I have 15 heads on my body. It’s annoying that people will assume your sexuality before they even ask for your goddamn name. Oh, and it’s also annoying when people think you cut off all your hair because you’re having a Britney Spears circa 2007 meltdown.
I mean, she was 25 when she shaved her head…
Anyway! I just want to keep allowing myself to see past that bullshit, and not let those societal opinions about women get to me. I know I’m fat, I know I have short ass hair, and I know I may not have the best fashion sense in the world, but man I know that I’m a motherfuckin’ catch, and I don’t mean for the opposite sex at all. I know I’m a cool ass person to be around! I have enough confidence to look in the mirror and say, “I look really cute today.” I have enough confidence to at least engage in conversations without feeling hella awkward. I believe in myself so much that I was willing to make a huge change in my identity to challenge my self-esteem and confidence.
And to all of my fat girls who are too scared for short haircuts, go for it.
There is something liberating about chopping off your hair, I swear it has to be the same high you feel when you smoke weed, deadass. There’s something about having all that hair fall off your head and onto the floor. There’s something about being excited about your wardrobe with a new hairstyle! Also, there’s nothing like the feeling you get when you just feel good about yourself after making a big decision like that.
Plus, no matter what body you have, you’re beautiful and unique in your own way. Cheesy, but true.
So to the baby boomers, elderly folks, and the insecure women who feel the need to tear other women down to build themselves up – go find something else to do and leave us alone. Your opinion reflects the type of insecurities you have about yourself and it says a lot about the type of person you are, and because of that, I say may God Bless your sad soul.
Signing out as your fat, pixie haircut friend!