Letters From Liz.

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There is a loud knock on the door of the abandoned movie theater that is now ROSIE’s apartment. In her hair in a messy, curly bun; she runs towards the door to see if it’s the person she’s expecting.

At the doorway, a man around her age with a dreadlock bun, MICAH, is huffing and puffing, trying to catch his breath. Rosie lets him in, and Micah takes a seat.

Micah: Roe, you know those stairs are a killer on its own, let alone when you call me the way you did.

Rosie: Sorry, I was just… being weird, I guess.

Rosie walks to the kitchen area, trying to not look at Micah in the face. He doesn’t notice it right away, but he suspects something when he realizes she’s keeping her distance.

Micah: So, what’s up? What was so urgent that I had to run out of the house without any socks on?

Rosie: *still looking away, distracting herself* You know, I really should organize my cabinets, man; it’s like a war zone up in there…

Micah: … Roe?

Rosie finally turns around to face Micah. She nearly breaks down in tears but holds them back.

Rosie: Don’t you think? I feel like I’ve been in this shithole for a couple of years now, you’d think I’d make it more home-like, right?

Micah: *confused* … I guess? Is that why you called me for?

Rosie: What, I can’t call my best friend to hang out with me at my apartment?

Micah: Not the way you did; no. Are you okay, Rosie?

Rosie takes a deep breath in; “fuck, he never calls me Rosie”. She shuns the thought away.

Rosie: Perfectly peachy, Mic! Now can you fucking stop interrogating me? I’ve already been through it once in Philly, so I don’t need you to do it now.

There’s an awkward silence. Nobody moves from their positions. But, Micah knows Rosie; pretty well actually. They’ve been best friends since college, inseparable since, and although Rosie swears she’s “hard to love”, Micah still cares and loves her, hardcore.

Micah: *softly* Hey Rosie?

Rosie: Yeah?

Micah: *straight-faced* Cut the bullshit.

Rosie rolls her eyes and walks to the bedroom area of her movie theater “studio” apartment. She plops down on the bed, defeated. She hasn’t said anything, but a deep sigh is enough to say it all.

Micah gets up from the seat he was in, and walk towards Rosie’s bed. He plops down not to her; both are now just aimlessly looking up at the ceiling.

Micah: Listen, Roe, you know you can trust me with whatever’s bothering you. I’m here for you. You don’t need to take on whatever’s going on by yourself. Obviously, you needed to vent about something, or else you wouldn’t have called me at 10 o’clock at night sounding like someone’s murdering you.

Rosie looks at Micah and rolls her eyes; she gets off the bed. Micah gets up as well.

Micah: Okay, that was a bad joke, but c’mon Roe, you can tell me what’s going on.

Rosie is now looking out the window; the nightly lit-up streets of NYC illuminate the inside of her apartment.

Rosie: You promise you won’t judge me?

Micah: I would never do that to you, Roe.

Without taking her eyes off the lights at the window, she finally starts her confession.

Rosie: I did something, stupid, Mic.

Micah: *confused* How stupid are we talking?

Silence.

Micah: *concerned* Rosie?

Rosie: *yells* Like really fucking stupid, Micah! So fucking stupid that I wish I could take back and never do because now I can’t fucking undo it!

Rosie is now back to the panicky mess she was when she called Micah some time ago.

Micah: Rosie… what the fuck did you do that was so horrible? Robbed someone? Killed someone? *facepalms himself* please tell me you’re not cutting again, Roe – you were doing so good–

Rosie: *interrupts* Will you shut the fuck up for one minute, dude?!

The room is silent, and the two friends are looking at each other. Rosie begins to get teary-eyed.

Rosie: Look, I- when my job fired me, I had no money to pay rent and go see Hudson in Philly. I promised him I’d visit; it was the least I can do but I never got the chance to save it, Micah. I- I needed money, Micah…

Micah: You picked up a date?

Rosie stays silent.

Micah: *deep sigh* Roe, you didn’t have to do that, I would’ve given you the money; why didn’t you come to me first?

Rosie: I wasn’t all there in the head, Mic, I- I didn’t know what to do.

Micah: Next time, please ask me first before you decide that your body has to be sacrificed for money. You’re worth more than that, Roe.

Rosie still stands there, still looking uneasy. Micah notices it.

Micah: … is there more?

Rosie finally sits down in a seat.

Rosie: The guy was Prescott.

Micah widens his eyes in shock.

Micah: Prescott Jones? The rich, fucked-up kid from our college? *angry* Why the hell would you go back to him, Rosie?

Rosie: He had the fucking money, Micah! I needed it and he was the only one I knew I can trust to give it to me.

Micah: Yeah, after the months that son-of-a-bitch beat you up when you dated him!

Rosie: Look, it’s over and done with, okay? I’m never going back to fuck Prescott again, alright?

Micah: And why should I believe that huh? Why the fuck should I believe you won’t go back to bang that asshole for money again?

Rosie: *yells* Because he fucking got me pregnant, Mic! We both were so fucked up on alcohol that I didn’t know what the fuck was going on! All I know is that we fucked, he paid me, and I went home, just how it used to fuckin’ be. But now it’s more than that, Micah. He got me pregnant and he’s not going to want nothing to do with it or me. I mean, do you know what that will do to his fucking reputation? “Multimillionaire heir Prescott Jones gets lowlife runaway pregnant!” He wants nothing to do with it and I don’t fucking blame him because who the hell wants to deal with the spawn of a fucked up girl anyway?

Micah listens to Rosie’s rant, never taking his eyes off of her.

Rosie: Fuck Prescott; he doesn’t have to know and I don’t want for him to know. I just don’t know what to do, Micah. When I found out I was all fucked up over it. I wanted nothing to do with the damn kid, it was just going to bring me down. But, I realized this kid is probably the only thing that will actually love me in life, and hell I’d be fucking lying if I said it wasn’t gonna hurt my soul if I just killed it. Am I crazy for wanting this kid, Micah? Is it crazy that I want this kid to have the best fucking life it could possibly have because I don’t want to be how my parents were? I don’t want this kid to not feel like it’s not loved, Micah. But look the fuck around…

Rosie points out the environment she and Micah are in.

Rosie: How the hell am I supposed to provide for a kid? I live in an abandoned movie theater because I can’t afford NYC’s expensive ass rent. I can barely afford to live in this shithole! I can’t bring this kid into the world the same way my mom did, Micah.

Micah takes in everything; Rosie’s words, the news, the surroundings; it’s like nothing else in this world matters now than the person standing in front of him. The truth of the matter is: Micah always loved Rosie, and it sometimes killed him knowing that Rosie felt like no one was capable of loving her. But, it’s not true. Micah loves Rosie for everything she represents. In many ways, despite how different their worlds are, he understands her and she understands him, and if being her best friend is the closest thing she’d accept love from another human being, he’ll gladly accept.

Micah: Move in with me.

Rosie: What?

Micah: Move in with me. Let me be there for you and your baby.

Micah walks to Rosie to reassure her of everything he’s about to tell her.

Micah: I always meant my word when I said I’d be there for you. Yeah, you make rash decisions and they have their consequences, and some of them I absolutely hate because you’re so much better than that, but that never meant I was gonna leave you astray when you needed a friend the most.

Micah takes a deep breath out of nervousness, but then smiles of sureness.

Micah: If you allow me, I’d like to be the father figure in your child’s life.

Rosie: *eyes widen* What? Micah, no, you don’t have to do all of this-

Micah: I want to do this, Roe.

Rosie is speechless, until…

Rosie: You’re fuckin’ nuts, Micah Kamalani. Why would you ever put yourself in a position to take care of another man’s child? Like, you don’t have to, and I didn’t call you over to be a prince charming type of hero.

Micah: I understand how it looks like, Roe, and I’m not doing this to “save” you. We both have to work hard to give his kid an amazing life. *swallowing his pride* I’m not asking you to get married to me, Rosie, nor am I asking to be your boyfriend or some shit. We are best friends just raising a child together. My mom helped my dad raise Milo for years, and Milo’s not her biological son. Who cares though? They both loved each other and had each other’s back when they were first just best friends. Let me be there for you.

Rosie is taken back by his words. Why would any man help her out with no motive behind it? She trusts Micah, but why would any man volunteer being a father to someone else’s kid? She didn’t understand it, but she always trusted Micah and his willingness to be there for her.

Rosie: I guess you and me makes three.

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A Voiceless Rant: December 2019 Edition.

December 18, 2019 liz

Dear guys, welcome back to Letters From Liz!

A quick little fact about this post: I’m currently at my old college, waiting for the bookstore to open up and writing this post on my phone while I wait. I’ve been crazy busy as of lately since the semester is coming to an end, and I totally forgot to write something for the days to come.

But nevertheless, I’m here, writing this month’s installment of:

Life for me has been pretty good! I’m making money, I’m working a great job with great people, I’m discovering myself in ways I haven’t before, and I’m just doing a lot better mentally as of late! But, my perfectionist demon loves to make me feel like I’m not doing enough or that I’m settling or slacking in life, which in reality is far from the truth, but that demon of mine just loves to try to prove me otherwise.

You see, I have a Masters degree, and for some reason my perfectionist self believes that because I have that, I should have a career. Do not get me wrong, I love my job, but I am constantly reminded that I was a grad student whenever old peers and professors come into the bookstore and just have this dumbfounded look on their face when they see me standing behind the register.

Again, that’s probably not the case, but perfectionist Liz took that and ran with it.

Although that side of me can be somewhat (somewhat meaning a lot) of a “Debbie Downer”, she also reminds me to not stay at a place for too long and don’t get too comfortable with the life I currently have.

I have plans for my future, and while my bookstore job is within my year plan, I hope that in 2020 I am able to work on beginning my path to a career.

2020 is gonna be that year, y’all.

I say that with confidence! If I could end 2019 in this position knowing that when I started it I was nowhere near to where I am now, I can definitely do the same with next year.

I hope everyone enters the new year feeling the same way; I know it’s common to say that “this new year is gonna be mine!” and sometimes (if not all) it doesn’t, it doesn’t mean you can’t at least want the new year to be better. Yeah, work hard for what you want and put an effort into the things you desire, even if you don’t get to where you’d like to be.

At the beginning of the year, I wanted to be an academic advisor, making a salary and living comfortably without having any prior work experience on my resume. Although I kept trying to go down that path and hope I land something, sometimes things happen for a reason and this bookstore position is just something I need to get further into my journey. I shouldn’t feel ashamed for being the second oldest employee who just so happens to have her Masters as well (I don’t mean that as a brag either) and I shouldn’t feel like a loser for having this job when really it’s a fucking job and I’m making money regardless!

So, shut your perfectionist demon up every once in a while, but also take her “cries” as inspiration to keep going and growing in life. Like they say, “it’s a blessing and a curse.”

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2019

Your Pixie-Cut Friend: One Year Later.

December 17, 2019December 17, 2019 liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

It’s kind of crazy that the people that I met this year never knew the Liz with her signature half updo ponytail, and they possibly can’t imagine me with long hair either since meeting me with a pixie cut. I can assume it’s vice versa for those who only know me with long hair, but it has come that time of year when it’s been one full year being Liz, your pixie cut friend.

*First picture with the pixie: Dec. 2018*

The thought of me having a pixie cut came after I began cutting my hair shorter and shorter throughout 2018; it seems like no matter how short I would cut my “chin-length bob”, I didn’t feel right. Throughout November 2018, I was going through a lot of personal issues and when I decided I needed a fresh change, I always try to change my hair first. On one Sunday evening, I went to my sibling and asked them to cut my hair into a pixie. The rest, ladies and gentlemen, was history.

Cutting my hair into a hairstyle I never had before was liberating, to say the least. I felt control over my body after months of anxiety not letting me have so anymore, and I found myself gaining the type of confidence I’d never get in this body of mine. Sure, every now and then I had some sort of gender crisis and felt too boyish, but for most of my days, I liked this new version of myself.

I became confident in a lot of areas in my life once I cut my hair this short. I don’t know what it was; maybe it was the mindset of “if I can make such a big decision like chopping all my hair off, I can handle this bump on the road too” that got me through some of the most difficult conversations and decision-making scenarios I’ve had this last year. I also didn’t have many self-regrets or doubts anymore, which was such a huge issue for me throughout 2018. Sure, I still have them as we speak, but I don’t have those episodes as bad as I did since I gained that confidence within myself.

Of course, I got bored every now and then and when the weather got hot, my hair was annoying and sweaty most of the time. I told my sibling I wanted my hair to be even shorter for the summer, and when I got what I wanted, I loved it instantly! I felt that boost of confidence that I had earlier in the year… for like a week. I quickly regretted the decision to cut my hair even shorter because, well, let’s say I felt even more self-conscious and boyish than I felt before. I’m still trying to grow out my hair back to what it was when I first cut it, and she’s getting there!

Even though there were moments I didn’t feel comfortable with myself or secure enough with my gender, I found myself more confident than ever when it came to my wardrobe. You see, prior to this haircut, I did not own one summery casual dress because I felt too fat to wear them, and for some reason, I challenged myself this summer season and wore all the dresses I could possibly wear, and I actually miss wearing them! Wearing the dresses without feeling like I was too fat or insecure was such a major milestone in my journey of healing and loving myself. It’s something I definitely believe my haircut helped me be ready to finally do.

Since then, I’ve played around with color for the last couple of months because, well, I’ve pretty much been on a whole other level with my decision making since this past summer. I mean, I got two tattoos since then, I’ve changed my hair color three times since October, and well, I’ve been trying new things that I was too afraid to try before this new transition in my life began. It’s been trial and error, but there have been moments when I did something and went oh yeah, this is it! Currently, it’s my faded purple hair with roots as long as God knows.

Of course, there are moments when I miss my long hair. I miss how it frames my face, I miss straightening it and curling it and trying out different hairstyles whenever I got bored with it. I miss the natural curl on the bottom of my hair. Hello, I miss my signature ponytail! While there are moments that I wish I can have my long hair back like right now, I’m also reminded that hair is hair, and it will grow back. As we speak, I’m not keeping up with my haircuts anymore only because I want more of a long pixie for the new year, and maaaybe we’ll get long hair Liz back in 2021, who knows? All I know is that I don’t regret the decision of cutting my hair into a pixie. It’s become a part of my identity that I actually like; it’s helped me be more confident and assertive with myself and worthy of myself. It’s allowed me to try out new things that my security blanket of long hair wouldn’t allow me to do.

So, happy hair-a-versary, pixie! Thank you for allowing me to grow into the person I am today; a person that I never thought I’d become within the last year! Thank you for helping me gain some confidence, spunk, and good energy within myself. I’m where I’m supposed to be in life because you’ve taught me valuable lessons to move forward with it. Here’s to a longer you coming soon, I mean I’m waiting for your ass to grow into the long pixie you’re supposed to be! Haha (:

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Music From Liz

Music From Liz – Ep. 3: End of Year Special!

December 16, 2019November 29, 2019 liz

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Music Featured in this Episode:

Blog Posts/Playlists Mentioned in this Episode:

Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2019

The Essential Guide for Surviving the Holiday Season!

December 15, 2019December 13, 2019 liz

Screenshot 2017-11-27 at 1.49.01 AM

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

We all know how joyous, fun, loving, and wonderful the holiday season are; seeing the different houses light up with decorations at night, listening to Christmas music to get into the holiday season, and spending time with family for the holidays are just some of the things many of us enjoy about it. But, the holidays can be just as stressful and depressing as they are happy and joyous. Not everyone’s holiday season is like a Hallmark movie; it’s not always snowed-in and spending time with family, it’s not always decorating the Christmas tree and wrapping up gifts, and it’s not always a happy time. It seems like people are a lot tenser towards this time of year, whether it’s just the quickness of the holidays approaching, shopping for gifts – whatever the case is, it’s not always snowflakes and decorations.

Personally, for me, the holidays can be both happy and depressing, depending on how I see it and how things are going. Over the years, the holidays have been some of the most difficult times of the year just because the spirit around the holidays focuses on things that my family and I struggle with; togetherness, lovingness, whatever family shit the holidays are supposed to make us feel. So, if your holiday season is anything similar to mine, here are some tips and reminders in order to survive the holiday season:

The holiday season isn’t just meant for blood-related families, it’s for whatever family means to you. I appreciate the people who go out of their way and spend the holidays with their closest friends and buddies; in a sense, that is their own definition of a family! Many people who have troubled relationships with their blood-related families are still able to feel that loving and togetherness with other people they love and care about, and that’s honestly the true meaning of the holidays! Spend it with people you love and care about; don’t worry if those people in your life are not blood-related.
You matter and you deserve to see another holiday season next year. Despite the Spring season being one of the highest suicide rates of the year, the holiday season is a close second. A close family member of mine attempted suicide one holiday season a couple of years ago, and when my family and I visited them in the hospital, the visiting room was packed up with visitors and patients to the point that the workers at the place had to set up chairs outside of the visiting area. Remember that there are tons of people out there who feel like they are not accepted into their families for being who they are, and feel the loneliest during the holiday season. Always remember that you matter and you deserve to live.
Just do the damn online shopping. I’m not one to do most physical shopping anymore only because I’m addicted to online shopping, so this holiday season I did most of my shopping online! It saved me a lot of the stress on when and where I’d go on this shopping adventure (especially when I go to work most of the week in Staten Island). As I’m writing this, I’m 95% done with Christmas gifts for my family, which is a relief. So, to save you the stress and chaos of holiday shopping, just do it online, y’all.
Make your own holiday traditions. When I was younger, the best part about the holiday season for me was the traditions my family and I had. When my grandfather was alive and when my grandparents were younger, they would bring all of our family gifts down to the city and drop them off at my house and we weren’t allowed to open them until it was Christmas. My sibling and I loved our grandparents’ gifts because they were always amazing. Also, my family always made an attempt to make it seem like Santa came rushing into our window and delivered all of our gifts on Christmas Eve, which made the season always feel magical. Of course, as I got older and everyone in my family got older, the holiday season hasn’t been the same, which is why I’ve made my own holiday traditions to follow! I put up decorations on my own, I write and send out holiday cards to the people I love the most, I honestly just try to do the things that I love to do for the holidays, and I guess when I get older and *maybe* have a family of my own, my traditions will pass down to another generation!
Take the holiday season with a grain of salt. The holiday season isn’t something that has to be or feel different than any other time of a year, in reality. If you’re not into the holiday season, then don’t treat it any differently than you do with the rest of the year. The holiday season, if not just a big season full of consumerism, wouldn’t be a big deal if our country wasn’t so captailist-hungry like it is. Again, the holiday season is difficult for a lot of people, and if you just don’t have any holiday spirit within you, that’s okay. No one is telling you that you have to be or feel a certain way because of the holidays. Treat this season how you feel is best for you!

Again, this time of year is different for everybody, and that’s okay if you don’t feel or have that cheesy, Hallmark-like holiday that society tries to shove down your throat. your holiday season is unique to you and whether or not you celebrate, that’s completely okay! As long as you’re healthy, okay, and getting past this next month of holiday stuff, that’s all that should matter.

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays, Twelve Letters of Lizmas: 2019

SAS: Let’s Talk About Demiromanticism. (12/14/19)

December 14, 2019November 30, 2019 liz

Screenshot 2017-11-27 at 1.48.43 AM

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

How is everyone doing? We are officially (somewhat) at the middle mark of the month, and today marks the official first day of Twelve Letters of Lizmas!

I wanted to start off this particular post addressing something that I wrote about a month ago; it was a chapter of the Overexposed: A Self-Love Project series here on the blog which was called My Romantic Attraction.

First and foremost, I wanted to thank everyone who read the post and sent their love and support! I honestly didn’t think anyone would care enough to read it, but I’m glad that the post was well-received. It was definitely liberating to speak about such a personal topic on the blog; in other ways, it has helped me even be more explicit with myself, if that was even possible! Besides that, I’m thankful to have an open and positive community that is supportive as you guys!

Of course, to those who may not have understood what I was writing about or even when I explained it to my mother the other night, I wanted to write and teach some things about demiromanticism that I’m learning along the way and help those in my life understand that this truly isn’t a big change within myself, and I’m going to treat everyone the way I’ve always did.

With that being said, let’s just started!

*Picture & Pin made by Doodlepeople on Etsy*

Continue reading “SAS: Let’s Talk About Demiromanticism. (12/14/19)” →

Important

Happy December! Here’s An LFL Update!

December 1, 2019December 7, 2019 liz

Dear, guys – welcome to Letters From Liz!

Wow, 2019 is coming to an end, you guys! With the Thanksgiving weekend coming to an end, Christmas is around the corner, then New Years, and BAM, it’s 2020. And might I add, it will be my 26th birthday as well as the blog’s 3rd year anniversary in January!

But before we get that far, we have to celebrate the holidays first, and for the past two years on the blog, we did something called Twelve Days of TNTHmas. But wait, Liz, this blog is now called Letters From Liz! Well, it doesn’t mean old traditions on the blog will die!

May I present to you this year’s Twelve Letters of Lizmas!

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For new-time readers of the blog, hi, welcome to our little community, and for the twelve days leading to Christmas, we post new content daily!

Starting December 14th, 2019, we will be posting new content for the following 12 days leading to Christmas. Whether it’s holiday-related posts, voiceless rants, travel diaries, mental health talk, self-appreciation Saturdays, music podcasts, whatever it may be; we got you covered!

To prepare for the special occasion, the blog will be going on a two-week hiatus! So finish those finals exams and papers, go do your Christmas shopping, listen to all the Christmas music your heart (and mind) can take while you wait for some sweet content from us!

See you guys in two weeks!

Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: November 2019 Edition.

November 30, 2019November 29, 2019 liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

2019 feels like it came and went, yet it also feels like I’ve been living in 2019 for a whole decade. A lot of things happened this year, and it’s truly crazy to see where I’m at, 11 months into it.

This year, my 25, has been a rollercoaster for me. It has constantly felt like I’ve been on the top of the world, and there were times when I hit rock bottom. If I had to sum up the year, I would say that this year was very cathartic. 25 has taught me some life lessons I think I will carry for a lifetime and it’s also made me reflect on some of the resolutions I had for this year.

With that being said, it’s time for this month’s installment of:

voiceless rant

As I reflect on the year, I remember where I was this time last year. Did I have high expectations for the new year? Did I think my issues and problems would vanish once the new year came around? Will anything drastic happen in the new year that will change my life forever? Honestly, we just don’t know what our future holds, and to hold the new year accountable for things to be good is an unrealistic way of thinking. It’s why many of our new year resolutions don’t last for too long, and it’s why many of us feel disappointed once the new year doesn’t go the way we wanted it to go.

For my “resolutions” for 2019, I wanted this year to be peaceful and for me to be happy. I wanted this year to be completely different than what 2018 was, and boy was I in for an even more stressful ride this year. I had some issues handling my mental health, I got out of an extremely long relationship, I got a new job, and I figured out that I was demiromantic. It was a lot of self-discovery and acceptance this year that I was not ready for.

In other words, nothing about this year was “peaceful” in the slightest bit.

Just because your resolutions don’t go as planned, it doesn’t mean that the year was a waste. Sure, you didn’t get to lose weight you wanted to lose. Sure, you didn’t get to go on an out-of-state vacation. Sure, you didn’t get the happiness and peace of mind that you wanted. You might not have gotten the things you wanted, but every year truly happens the way it does because it needs to happen that way. Maybe you had to have a year like this to mature and experience some growth within yourself.

At 25, at this moment, I am the happiest I could possibly be for myself. I feel at peace in some aspects of my life, I’m working a job I really enjoy and look forward to going to every morning, I’m prioritizing myself in ways I didn’t do, and I’ve just trying to find what makes me, me. I didn’t have any idea that 2019 was going to be that year for me, but maybe I needed this to happen this way in order to keep growing and thriving and to get closer to the person that I always wanted to be.

So, I’m not upset that my resolutions for 2019 didn’t work out for me, I’m actually quite glad they didn’t! If this year turned out the way that I wanted it to be, I wouldn’t have learned everything that I did about life, myself, mental health, and everything else I learned through my hardships. If anything, my New Years’ resolutions somewhat came true: I am at peace and I am happy 11 months in. So, I can only hope that I can enter 2020 with the things I’m learning and that I can enter it in a peaceful state of mind, as well as a happy one!

Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

This is My Farewell to You.

November 27, 2019November 29, 2019 liz

The only way to diffuse the energy behind the negative things in your life is to talk about them.” – Dr. Cathy Burns.

To the man I’ve mourned for the last couple of years,

I miss you. You weren’t always perfect, and sometimes you didn’t know how to emotionally be there for us, but you still cared and loved us to the best of your ability. You came to shows, graduations, celebrations, and you always sang ‘happy birthday’ and made your best effort to make it seem like Santa truly came through our fire escape window on Christmas Eve.

Although the old you is the person I would forever mourn, it’s about time I let you go, for the sake of my mental health, the trauma these last couple of years have brought me, and simply because the person you now embody is toxic to my being.

I’ve tolerated the comments, the behavior, the long nights of loud yelling, simply the person that I’ve grown to hate for the last couple of years, and I simply can’t anymore.

I will not love a fragment of who you were, because you are not him anymore. I will not continue to support a person as misogynistic, hurtful, degrading, and not willing to get help for the issues you carry anymore. As an adult, I can say that I appreciated you caring and loving me as a child; the moments where we watched wrestling on Thursdays and NASCAR Racing on Sundays are some of the moments I’ll cherish forever, but I simply can’t hold onto those moments and hope that I get to experience something even similar to them now.

The reality is that I will never get you back, and the person you are today will never remember those moments, these moments of my life, and the moments and milestones I make in the future.

Quite frankly, I can’t have you so involved in my life, and I could only try to love you from afar, or not anymore.

Because I will not inhibit you calling those I care about disgusting names. I will not inhibit your drinking problem by lending you money. I will not inhibit you calling me a bitch out of anger and proceeding to laugh and say, “that’s why your ex dumped your ass.”

And even if you will never remember the hurtful things you say and apologize for saying them, I will always remember them, and they will leave even deeper cuts than before.

Because of that, I will not allow you to be a part of my life anymore.

I will not allow you to verbally and emotionally abuse me & my family and expect me to respect you just because you are blood.

A daughter should never have to hear the things you say about her, her sister, and her mother; mentally ill or not.

So, this is my farewell to you. This is my letter to the person I do not know anymore. This is my letter to the person I will always hold close to my heart, and a reminder to the old you that you will never be forgotten. This is my farewell letter because I’m tired of being hurt by your actions, and I’m tired of proving myself every time when I say this new version of yourself does not see me as your daughter, but your illness sees me as one of your enemies.

This is my farewell letter to you, because it’s about time I start to heal from this. This is my farewell letter to you, in hopes that the old you, if even still inside you, realizes that you need to seek help to repair the relationships in your life.

As for now, this is goodbye.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: My Romantic Attraction.

November 23, 2019 liz

Many people throughout their lifetime truly live without knowing what the meaning of their feelings mean, and because of society wanting to make everything black-and-white, it’s even harder to admit that there have been times when what you felt wasn’t necessarily “normal”. I say normal like that because there is truly anything in life that indicates normalcy.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I’m learning to accept the fact that my romantic attractions aren’t what I thought they were.

Is this me coming out? I don’t think I’d ever “come out” without feeling like things like this can change as time progresses. At this moment in time, I just feel differently about my romantic attractions and my sexual attractions.

Sexually speaking, I am heterosexual. I feel sexual attraction only towards the opposite sex. I’ve only had one male sexual partner in my life, but I know that I am willing to have sex with guys more so than girls, even if at this given moment I want to have absolutely no sex, which is another story for another day.

Romantically speaking, I feel like as I get older, I’m a little more flexible, or fluid in this category, and I feel like I’ve been this way for quite some time. Of course, I only feel this romantic attraction towards people once I get an emotional deep connection to them, and before anyone thinks that I just am liking everything and everyone, I don’t act upon those said attractions. I just like you because you mean a lot to me and we connect, but I am not sexually attracted to you and 95% of the time, I’m not looking to pursue a sexual relationship with you.

So, hi – my name is Liz, and although I am heterosexual, I am demiromantic.

Wow, that was liberating.

To better understand what I am talking about and before we move forward, you must understand that romantic attraction and sexual attraction can be completely different things for people. For some, it’s one and the same, and for others, they are apples and bananas. For me, I am not sexually attracted to the people I have romantic attractions with and sometimes, if I see a hot guy in the streets and think damn, come to bed with me (which only fantasy Liz thinks about), I most likely won’t have a romantic attraction to them. Sexual feelings, in a nutshell, are an instant feeling; you look at someone’s appearance and feel sexually attracted to most of the time and it’s why most dating apps are heavily used for just hookups at this time. You don’t need to be romantically attracted to someone in order to have sex with them. Many people do it, and there’s nothing wrong with that unless you are safe, protected, and knowledgeable about it.

Being romantically attracted to them happens with time. You get to know a person, whether it’s a friend or a potential partner, and find yourself growing a deep connection with them. You develop feelings for them in a romantic aspect, I mean you vibe with them, you like them, your body doesn’t know the difference! What makes it strictly a romantic attraction is that you don’t feel sexually attracted to them, and in other situations, you won’t try to pursue romantic relationships with them. You just like them, and you want platonic relationships.

If it seems like I’m even unsure about these things, it’s because I am. I’m still judging myself for even trying to figure out what this was for me and I still feel like I don’t belong under such category, but it’s the best that I can do to help explain years of denying how I function.

For years, I’ve had some relationships with people in my life that I liked in a romantic aspect. Of course, these feelings developed only after I gained a deep, emotional connection with them. I believe I’ve always wanted platonic relationships in my life; the ones where you deeply care for one another and would do anything for each other and hold them close to your heart without the stress and mess of it ever turning sex because you both don’t see each other in that light. I’ve had girl-friends in the past that I’ve felt this deep, emotional connection with and felt romantic attraction to afterward as well as guy-friends that I deeply connected with and felt romantic attraction to as well, but within these relationships I’ve had with these people, I never felt sexual attraction with them; I just wanted long-lasting platonic relationships. A Holder and Linden from The Killing type of relationship.

I understand there are people I’m currently friends with will read this and say, “omg, does Liz have romantic feelings for me?!” and might feel weird still wanting to interact with me. I understand that there is a possibility that my ex-friends, ex-flings, even my ex-partner will read this and think of me differently. I understand there are people who will read this and have opinions on me and will judge me, whatever, but I wanted to tell this story because I felt confused for years. I always wondered why it was so easy for me to have feelings for people who I’ve called my closest friends. For years, I wondered if I was a bisexual too scared to come out of the closet, but not really bisexual because although I’ve liked girls, I never wanted to have sex with them. I also couldn’t understand why or how was I have to develop romantic feelings towards LGBT people but not being LGBT myself. I couldn’t understand why at 25, I am still able to like people in a romantic aspect even if the thought of having sex with another person is anxiety-driven and repulsing. Maybe I’ll never put a label on what this is, but it’s the closest thing that can help me understand and be accepting of why I am this way.

So, I guess this is me coming out. Hey, I like you regardless of sex and gender, but don’t expect to have sex with me, thanks!

… Can I get that on a t-shirt, please?

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