Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, I’m in a pickle as I write this; I’m currently in this dilemma where I’m deciding when will I be ready to put myself out there again. Although I like my time to be spent on myself while I’m in this self-discovery journey, I still need to challenge my social skills and willingness to want to meet new people; romantically and socially.

As I’m learning how to be a little more confident with myself in a social sense, I’m realizing that I’m actually a pretty confident person when it comes to my personality. I feel like I’m a caring, fun, loving person that is able to communicate with people; I honestly have to thank my co-workers and the customers I encounter on a daily basis at my job. Sure, I have my awkward ass moments and sudden social anxiety freak-outs, but with practice and daily encounters, I’ve become confident with my personality.

Now, you’d think that because I’m confident with my personality, I wouldn’t let my personal views on my body affect me and my willingness to put myself out there, right? Completely wrong. Although I don’t consider myself a superficial person and will give anyone with a good vibe and kindness a chance, we live in a society where 90% of people are first attracted and intrigued by looks. Of course, I wouldn’t want someone in my life that just thought I was pretty and nothing else, but to literally start from scratch and put myself out there in a world where looks are a huge factor in society, it’s scary.

I started my Overexposed series on the blog to highlight some major parts in my life regarding my way and finding ways to love and embrace myself in my skin and to some extent I do. I’m okay with my body, I’m okay with how she jiggles, how round she is, and how she is built. But, that doesn’t mean there are people out there that do.

Also, let me just say this: I’m getting weight-loss surgery to be “beautiful” or “more appealing” to society. I’m doing it for my health.

In my twisted mind, I believe the relationships, lovers, – whatever you call them – happened out of luck. These people liked me for who I was and not how I looked like, but then also tell myself that all the bad things happened in them because they didn’t like the way I looked. Of course, I know that’s just me doing some irrational thinking and that’s not true, but maybe that’s just my opinion on how I believe other people see me: ugly, fat, the girl you don’t really love because of how she looks.

So, it’s going to be a journey to get my mind out of that thinking. It’s going to take a lot of breaking things down and embracing some imperfections in order to feel like my personality overshines the way I look, whether or not I’m fat or “thinner”. It’s so much easier to say that you are a good person and not feel insecure when being introduced to a new person, but maybe how I got confident in my personality it just takes some practice.

So if you’re feeling like no one would take interest in you because your looks are not what society’s standards are, it doesn’t mean that no one will like you. Your personality should do the talking, and the insecurities you feel about your body should not take center stage when you’re meeting new people. The more confident you are with yourself, the more people will love you for your inner beauty!

Forget about your body, you’re still beautiful, babe.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

How’s everyone doing thus far in February? We are officially at the halfway point of the month and I hope no matter how your month has been for you that the latter part of the month turns out good!

Boy; has this month been a ride and a good one at that!

So, there’s been a lot of work being done with my social skills now that I feel comfortable being social with new people. The true first step was when I applied to my current job as a bookseller and had to interact with dozens of customers on a daily basis, which gradually came to me making friends out of my coworkers, me being able to go out with them like a big, social butterfly, and also even making bold moves in order to develop new friendships because I want to make them it’s just–

Y’all, my social anxiety is shooketh.

It’s amazing to see myself at this stage in my life because it’s something I thought I was capable of doing. Sure, it took a lot of therapy sessions and hard decisions to be where I’m at, but it was honestly so worth it. To agree to go out with a couple of friends and to even be openly honest with people I’ve met in the course of the last six months is mind-blowing.

Each and every day, I am beating anxiety’s ass up, y’all.

And I want to be an inspiration for the people who feel like they could never get back out there and start meeting new people because their social anxiety has taken over their bodies. I was once in that position – shoot – sometimes I’m still in that position! There’s no doubt that the little negative voice in my head tells me I said or done the wrong thing in a situation and that I don’t deserve anything good in life, but it’s gotten better. I’ve gotten past the point of self-doubting my every decision and just decided that so fucking what if things go wrong? it doesn’t hurt to try things out. You honestly never know the outcome of something if you don’t try it out, and that’s what keeps me going.

That’s what keeps me going to have this want of creating new relationships: that being social and being yourself with people who vibe with you well and give you some great energy is such a great feeling. You never know the type of people you’ll meet if you don’t put yourself out there! I recently met a really cool person from campus that literally has some of the same interests as me, which never friggin’ happened in my life, and I wouldn’t have known that or got that connection with another person if I wasn’t bold enough to pursue this person as a friend.

I’m slowly learning that the only way to beat your social anxiety is to challenge it: challenge your fears, challenge that inner voice in your head that is hoping you fail, literally challenge everything that is telling you that you can’t do it. Because you can, and do it so friggin’ well. 

So take that chance, you honestly have nothing to lose! The only thing you’re losing out on is a new opportunity to make some new memories and some new adventures.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, my 2020 is about me making lifestyle changes and learning about forgiveness. I figured, “new decade, new me”, right? So, as a “resolution” for this new year, I’m learning how to forgive myself, my past, and the people involved in it so in honor of that here’s the first SAS of 2020 speaking about a couple of things I’ve learned during this process.

At the very beginning of the year, I went to my weekly therapy session and brought up the want to forgive and truly move on from my past and the past versions of myself. As I said in the post The Year of Forgiveness, I wanted to stop carrying the baggage I seem to never let go and was just tired of allowing it to affect my life to this day. So, with the help of therapy and talking everything out about my past to her, I’m learning just how difficult this goal of mine is going to be to achieve.

The thing is it’s so easy to “forgive and forget.” I honestly don’t know why that saying exists; do you ever find yourself forgiving something and then forgetting about it? I didn’t think so. The thing about forgiving someone, yourself, a situation, whatever; it’s that it takes a lot of pride, ego, acceptance, and moving on to truly forgive. If anything, it’s truly easier said than done; an actual saying that speaks facts! 

A couple of things I had to think about what was I really seeking for; is it strictly closure, is it acceptance of what happened, was it to undo my wrongs and let those in my past back in my life? If it was strictly closure, then I needed to go on this forgiveness journey on my own, allowing myself to accept that those involved are not involved in this process. I had to really think about what closure meant to me in the first place. Something in me thought that closure meant confronting my demons head-on, challenging myself and speaking to the ones I left without warning. After speaking to my therapist and truly understanding what I wanted versus what I needed, I realized that I wanted closure from these events and people, but I didn’t need to bring them back in my life to do it. This was a thing I needed to do on my own, not with the people who may have opinions of their own and feelings of their own. The past is the past, I don’t need their input for my own personal forgiveness and closure, and that’s just that.

So, why am I making this a big deal? Can’t I just say “hey, I forgive myself and I take responsibility for my actions” and call it a day? Sure, but it doesn’t work like that. There’s a lot of work behind truly forgiving yourself and moving forward from it. From witnessing other people and experiencing it on my own, I see that when people say they are over the past and ready to move on and whatever, there is still bitterness, a grudge even, behind that sentence. In other words, we put on this facade that we’re doing good and nothing is holding us back but behind closed doors, we still allow it to affect us. I’m yearning for the type of forgiveness that I honestly move forward from, not allowing it to affect my day-to-day life.

So, forgiveness is truly about changed behavior. How do we remove the grudge and replace it with forgiveness? How do we see ourselves in a more positive light? How do we truly take in what happened in the past and take responsibility for it? Most importantly, how do we honor the people we once were and see our past selves as a necessary step towards growth instead of “a part of our true selves”? That last one is a hard one for me. For me, I’m constantly worried that the person who I was and the decisions and things I made/did are my true colors and that it can come back at any moment. I have this fear that the things I did in the past are just some of my true colors, and I’m just truly this bad person trying to be a good one. This is one of the reasons how I let my past affect my life; I was constantly reminded of the mistakes and the decisions I made back then, and to some extent, I never forgave myself for the things I did. So, the biggest task I have on my hands is how to forgive, accept, even embrace the person I was and separate that from who I am now; I am not teenage Liz anymore and I have grown and learned from experience. Of course, even saying that is easier said than done.

It’s going to take a while to do, but it’s honestly something that everyone should do at one point in their life. Of course, some things and some people are “unforgivable”, but you don’t need to carry it around for your entire life. Let it go and forgive those things for yourself, not anyone else. You deserve a clean slate.