Category: Self-Appreciation Saturdays

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, my 2020 is about me making lifestyle changes and learning about forgiveness. I figured, “new decade, new me”, right? So, as a “resolution” for this new year, I’m learning how to forgive myself, my past, and the people involved in it so in honor of that here’s the first SAS of 2020 speaking about a couple of things I’ve learned during this process.

At the very beginning of the year, I went to my weekly therapy session and brought up the want to forgive and truly move on from my past and the past versions of myself. As I said in the post The Year of Forgiveness, I wanted to stop carrying the baggage I seem to never let go and was just tired of allowing it to affect my life to this day. So, with the help of therapy and talking everything out about my past to her, I’m learning just how difficult this goal of mine is going to be to achieve.

The thing is it’s so easy to “forgive and forget.” I honestly don’t know why that saying exists; do you ever find yourself forgiving something and then forgetting about it? I didn’t think so. The thing about forgiving someone, yourself, a situation, whatever; it’s that it takes a lot of pride, ego, acceptance, and moving on to truly forgive. If anything, it’s truly easier said than done; an actual saying that speaks facts! 

A couple of things I had to think about what was I really seeking for; is it strictly closure, is it acceptance of what happened, was it to undo my wrongs and let those in my past back in my life? If it was strictly closure, then I needed to go on this forgiveness journey on my own, allowing myself to accept that those involved are not involved in this process. I had to really think about what closure meant to me in the first place. Something in me thought that closure meant confronting my demons head-on, challenging myself and speaking to the ones I left without warning. After speaking to my therapist and truly understanding what I wanted versus what I needed, I realized that I wanted closure from these events and people, but I didn’t need to bring them back in my life to do it. This was a thing I needed to do on my own, not with the people who may have opinions of their own and feelings of their own. The past is the past, I don’t need their input for my own personal forgiveness and closure, and that’s just that.

So, why am I making this a big deal? Can’t I just say “hey, I forgive myself and I take responsibility for my actions” and call it a day? Sure, but it doesn’t work like that. There’s a lot of work behind truly forgiving yourself and moving forward from it. From witnessing other people and experiencing it on my own, I see that when people say they are over the past and ready to move on and whatever, there is still bitterness, a grudge even, behind that sentence. In other words, we put on this facade that we’re doing good and nothing is holding us back but behind closed doors, we still allow it to affect us. I’m yearning for the type of forgiveness that I honestly move forward from, not allowing it to affect my day-to-day life.

So, forgiveness is truly about changed behavior. How do we remove the grudge and replace it with forgiveness? How do we see ourselves in a more positive light? How do we truly take in what happened in the past and take responsibility for it? Most importantly, how do we honor the people we once were and see our past selves as a necessary step towards growth instead of “a part of our true selves”? That last one is a hard one for me. For me, I’m constantly worried that the person who I was and the decisions and things I made/did are my true colors and that it can come back at any moment. I have this fear that the things I did in the past are just some of my true colors, and I’m just truly this bad person trying to be a good one. This is one of the reasons how I let my past affect my life; I was constantly reminded of the mistakes and the decisions I made back then, and to some extent, I never forgave myself for the things I did. So, the biggest task I have on my hands is how to forgive, accept, even embrace the person I was and separate that from who I am now; I am not teenage Liz anymore and I have grown and learned from experience. Of course, even saying that is easier said than done.

It’s going to take a while to do, but it’s honestly something that everyone should do at one point in their life. Of course, some things and some people are “unforgivable”, but you don’t need to carry it around for your entire life. Let it go and forgive those things for yourself, not anyone else. You deserve a clean slate.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Kylie Jenner said it best a couple of years ago when this year was the year of like, realizing stuff. 2019 has been a year of a lot of wake-up calls, heartbreak, new beginnings and tons of self-growth. Like, who is she?

Anyway, it wasn’t easy even to remotely be where I am today. It’s taken a lot of trial and error, and it still does. I haven’t perfected the art of listening to my soul, but I’m learning that the mind doesn’t want what it wants, the heart doesn’t want what it wants, it’s truly the soul wants what it wants. Figuratively, your soul runs your mind and heart.

Confused? Lemme explain. 

I always believed to some extent that the soul plays a major part in your life decisions, but I never realized how much of an impact it makes in your life until my therapist, Cathy, spoke to me about it. For a while now, she’s spoken to me about how truly connected the mind and heart are, and it’s usually not just one part that knows better than the other. She says this because I have a habit of blaming my bad self-judgment on “the voice in my mind”. No, I don’t hear voices, but it feels like my mind is always the one part of my body that disapproves of a lot of my decisions and life choices. What I’ve been learning from my therapist (and just finally admitting to myself) that once your soul feels something different or contrasting to what you’re doing, you fucking feel it immediately. 

You honestly don’t know how important it is to listen to your soul until you’re face-to-face with all of the events leading up and connecting to it. It’s not that easy to escape what your soul is trying to tell you, no matter how many times you try to tell yourself that you’re overthinking things or you’re just going through a funk. Once your soul feels something different than what you want it to feel, it’s hard to tell it otherwise.

At the end of the day, your soul knows what’s best for you; it knows when it’s time to let go of something, it knows when to say no to things you aren’t okay with, and it tells you situations and scenarios that you should avoid and go for. Your soul speaks because it wants something to change, typically for the better. It’s difficult, it’s unsettling, and it could be absolutely life-changing. But, the soul speaks for a reason.

2019 has been a year of my soul not wanting to shut up. It’s spoken some uncomfortable truths that I was too afraid to let out, and when they engulfed me as time passed, all I could do was listen to it and admit to what my soul was telling me. Because of that, I’ve made some drastic changes in my life this past year, which led me to be in the space I am currently in, sort of grateful that I finally listened to my soul.

It’s so important to listen to your soul because she (or he, whichever it is for you) is a powerful force that knows what she’s talking about. She knows you best, and she is probably the first part of you that knows when you’re growing up and maturing. She only speaks to you when she believes you are able to make such big decisions, and when she believes you are strong enough to come out of the hard times. She only tells you things when she feels like you’re ready, and most of the time, you are ready.

So, why not listen to it? You never know where life will take you when you do!

 

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Okay, so confession time: I sometimes don’t trust myself. Lemme rephrase that: I sometimes don’t trust my own judgment. I constantly think that the decisions I make are not the right ones, or I think that the decisions I make are selfish. It’s taking me a while to finally be okay with saying no, and even then I sometimes feel bad for doing it. I’m learning how to be in tune with my body, its signs, and learning what my personal boundaries may be.

Which brings me to my next point: having boundaries is an act of self-care; it does not make you selfish.

Boundaries are your limits, and you honestly may not know what your boundaries are at first. Your body just knows what your boundaries are; they are influenced by your tolerance, your self-image, your values, and your growth as a person. They also change with time; what your boundaries were when you were a teenager may not be the same as they were being an adult. Lemme rephrase that: they aren’t the same. So when you find yourself not being okay with something you once were alright with or find your breaking points in some areas a bit more sensitive than before, it’s totally normal. Your mindset changes, your goals change, your judgments change, and your boundaries are just as interchangeable.

With that being said, don’t allow anyone to tell you that your boundaries are selfish and they make you self-centered. Boundaries are supposed to be about putting yourself first and what you feel is the right thing. It’s not selfish to have boundaries.

In fact, it’s an act of self-care. It’s knowing that the behavior, energies, and patterns you attracted before are not some you want to have in your life, and so you create a boundary so it won’t happen again. It’s being self-aware to the point that you know the things that may set you off, make you feel uncomfortable, or that you simply don’t agree with. Your boundaries are simply created because you are protecting yourself from things that may affect you.

It’s completely okay to want to protect yourself. For me, that’s what my boundaries are all about: to not only protect myself from bad surroundings but to even protect myself from my own toxic traits. For me, I have to set boundaries with my own self so that I don’t let my thoughts bring me down a rabbit hole. It’s me telling myself “no, Liz. You will not do that today” that helps me get through some of my more stressful days.

So, make those boundaries. Ask yourself:

1. Do I need to put a boundary on family & friends? If so, what type of boundary?
2. Do I need a boundary for my personal schedule? What days would I like to have “me time”?
3. Are there any toxic traits I have that I need to set a boundary for my healing self? Is it a certain thought that needs a boundary? Behavior? The energy I attract?
4. What are some things I’m absolutely not okay engaging in anymore?
5. How do I respectively discuss my boundaries with those around me?

It’s not easy to be okay having boundaries. For me, I sometimes do feel selfish and not willing to put my differences aside for other people. But, there’s typically a reason why I’m not able to, and your soul will be the first to let your body know that there needs to be a boundary for those people in your life. 

It takes time to enforce the boundaries you have and be okay with it. It’s a part of becoming assertive, it’s a part of the process of respecting yourself, and honestly, once you have that embedded in you, your surroundings will be able to respect the rules you have with yourself.

I’m still learning to be okay with it! I’m still trying to not overthink the worst-case scenarios if I set up boundaries with other people. I still worry that my boundaries could potentially make people not want to be in my life anymore, and I worry about that fine-line between boundaries and selfishness because there is one. I wonder how I would personally feel saying no to something or someone in my life; it’s definitely a journey.

And while all these worries may circulate in your head, you have to remind yourself that your boundaries are your boundaries, and people who understand them will understand and respect yours. Also, you have to remind yourself that your boundaries are a result of self-awareness turned into self-care; at the end of the day, you are only doing what’s best for you, which you should always be putting first in your life.

It’s okay to have boundaries and still be a sympathetic/empathetic person. You don’t have to have one or the other. Having boundaries, in a way, is a human quality to have. It’s normal, and it’s needed for your everyday function.

Set them boundaries up, boo.

 

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

How did everyone’s week go? I hope that it went as smooth as possible for you guys so that now you can relax for the weekend!

So, here’s a fun little story:

I’ve got some cool-ass co-workers. Like, they are possibly some of the coolest and most laid back people I’ve met in a professional setting like this, and I’m glad for my first job to have such a great group of people like them. I’ve definitely got more opportunities to get closer to some (same shifts back-to-back) and because of that, I’m definitely getting more comfortable to have deeper conversations about life rather than the typical workplace convos.

I was texting one of my co-workers after finding out she was also a big Shane Dawson & Jeffree Star fan and was following the same series I was watching as well. In true Liz form, I had to text her my thoughts on last week’s episode because there was just a lot to take in! So, we did that, but then the conversation shifted a bit when she started to worry that she didn’t feel like she has any motivations or passions she can act on and work towards. Again in true Liz nature, I offered her some advice and reassurance that everything will play itself out as she matures and experiences life some more (I mean, she’s 22, yet I’m talking as if there’s a 10-year age difference between us). She appreciated the kind words and because it was hitting close to midnight, we ended the conversation after a while.

It made me think that even for a person I only knew existed two months ago in August, I was still able to give her some honest advice that I truly believed in; I was once 22 feeling those same things right after graduating from college. Yeah, I was in grad school, but I still felt like I didn’t have any passions to fall back on; the only one I had was screenwriting which didn’t work out in the end. Because I know the feeling quite well, I was able to give some advice that I hope gave her some relief that she’s on the right path.

Possibly some of my wounded empath personality traits are healing?

But in all seriousness, the conversation truly made me wonder about giving myself some reassurance about the worries I have on life. Why is it so easy to help others out and believe the advice you give them, but when you give yourself advice, you don’t take it or believe it?

Maybe it’s more complicated than just telling myself what I have to do in order to heal. Maybe it’s the fear that I might be lying to myself about how I truly feel or something. Maybe I just overthink the scenarios if I acted upon them in the advice I give out. It’s definitely a weird game of devil’s advocate, so how do I stop doing that? How do people who believe the advice they give to others start believing it for themselves and their own problems?

I say we just have to practice doing so. We have to be confident enough with the advice we give out to others that we are able to literally practice what we preach.

For me, I’m learning that as time passes.

You honestly have to be your own support system, cheerleader, therapist, life counselor; pretty much your own damn fanbase in life because no one is going to go hard for you like you. 

So, why not believe in the things you believe for others and why not be the person you are for others for yourself?

 

 

To the Liz that was struggling this time last year,

It’s ya girl, Liz.

A lot of things changed that you aren’t aware of because you’re very busy currently being inside of your head, worrying about everything else around you in life. To be quite honest, we aren’t that different; I still struggle with some of the things you do as well, I am still learning how to balance my major depression and social anxiety disorder, and, well – I’m still trying to figure out my purpose and place on this planet.

Of course, I’ve grown since this body was living in your mindset, and I’m here to remind you that this rough patch you’re experiencing; the hopeless, sadness, and the inability to make yourself feel better isn’t always going to last.

It’s quite funny how many times I have to remind some version of myself that things will get better.

It’s like we forget that life gets hard but no matter what, we shouldn’t give up on ourselves.

Anyway, I remember the place you were at this time last year, Liz. You felt like you had no purpose, you were unemployed and so desperate to find a job, you felt unhappy in many points of your life, therapy was the only constantly good thing happening in your life, and you were dealing with some things that you didn’t know where major contributions to your undiagnosed depression.

I know you’re feeling as if there’s nothing worth living for; to be quite honest, it’s going to worsen for you as the weeks pass. But, let me remind you why I’m here today: because you were strong enough to not give up.

I got to see most of 25, and in a couple of months, I’ll get to see 26. I got the chance to cut my hair into a pixie cut and gain the confidence I now have for myself. I got the chance to start amazing projects with amazing people, find a great first job with great coworkers, and learn more about who I am. Of course, it’s not all pretty and full of rainbows: I’ve lost a lot of important elements of my life that I’m afraid I’ll never get back, I’ve had moments of feeling like a failure, moments of feeling invalidated, moments of wishing there were other people who were willing to save me from myself at times.

But, if there was anything that you taught me, it’s that you can’t save people, which means no one is going to be able to save you; only you can do that for yourself.

Don’t depend on people to be your happiness. People have to be their own happiness, and they can only add to the already happiness you have for yourself. The people in your life aren’t always going to be around, whether they’re unavailable in the moment you need them or they simply aren’t a major part of your life anymore. You have to be your own best friend, supporter, cheerleader, shoulder to cry on, and advice-giver. Yeah, it’s great if we have people in our lives who play some of these roles in your life, but at the end of the day, you have to do it for yourself.

Just like everything in life, you had to do it for yourself. You have to get out of your funks by yourself, you have to comfort yourself when things go wrong, and you have to be the reassurance figure in your life telling you that everything is going to be okay and that you’re worth it.

Once you learn how to be your own damn everything, you’ll know how to take care of yourself in times of need.

Of course, I’m not saying you can’t find some sort of happiness in others. You’ll later realize that socializing with other people, even if it’s just a customer or two, will help brighten up your days. You later realize that you’ll get to know yourself better by socializing with new people; it’s a chance to re-introduce yourself to people who don’t care about the mistakes and mishaps you made in the past. You later realize that you don’t always want to be alone in your thoughts, but another human interaction is actually quite healthy for your healing.

Liz, I’m telling you that after any bump on the road you find yourself tripping over, there’s a smooth surface with tons of things that are worth seeing through.

I know you won’t give up on yourself, it’s why I’m here, getting the chance to tell you that your decision to keep fighting is worth it, just how I know my future self will thank me for choosing to fight rather than give up.

We got this, Liz.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Let’s get straight into the meat and potatoes, shall we?

Last weekend, I went out with an old high-school friend of mine, Nina. She goes by SparklyWarTanks on her own blog, and her mission is to help others recognize and begin their healing journey of life. We definitely caught up, share some laughs, and also had some deep conversations that were honestly very needed for my own journey of self-recovery and discovery.

You see, she had me take an Enneagram test; in the psychology world, it’s basically a personality test that determines what characteristics and traits you have and how you are able to live your life according to those said things. It was relatively quick, and after I was finished with the test, I pretty much found out that I was a “type 6”, or in other words, “The Loyal Skeptic”.

Being a type 6, in Nina’s words, is really being a devil’s advocate; they are either hot or cold, confident or insecure, assertive or passive, pretty much indecisive about every uncertainty of life. As I read more and more about this type, I felt really attacked. Like, mind-reader attacked. How can one simple explanation answer all of the confusing, intangible things that I always thought about? How did a 5-minute test pick me out to be a type 6 out of the possible 9 there are? If that wasn’t enough, one thing about being this type of personality struck me the most:

My relationship with security.

Security, for me, is honestly something that becomes a little harder for me to want as I got older. When I was a teenager, I kept people around way longer than I should’ve, I held onto ideologies and moments that made me feel comfortable, and it was hard for me to try new things and let go of old things in life. If I don’t have some sort of security getting me through the day, I’m basically a trainwreck and a huge ball of anxiety.

Maybe my need for security is what ultimately caused my anxiety disorder? Maybe, maybe not, but it sure explains why it’s a lot harder for me to understand that I don’t always need to control or be controlling in certain situations.

Whatever security means in my soul, it makes a whole lotta sense on why I am who I am and why I behave the way I do in situations when I feel like I lose control over a part of my security I was used to having.

For example, a lot of things in my life has changed this year, let alone within the last two months. Some things were left under my control, and some of them it wasn’t my place to try and control anything or anyone in the first place. Either way, adjustment, and change are two vocabulary words I hate the most; they require me to go outside the box (or my shell) and actively do something about the action in progress. It’s still not easy, and every night I think about going back to my old ways and habits only because they provide me with security I am used to. Being uncertain is a fear of life, and it seems like being a type 6 is exactly that: a beautiful mess.

Acknowledging my need and desire for security in life was one that I believe I needed in order to start making more healthier decisions in my life. I now how an understanding of why I become a certain way when things don’t feel secure around me; I constantly worry everything can be taken away in a blink of an eye. Being self-aware of it now allows me to reflect on the type of relationship I have with a trait such as complete reassurance.

It really does remind me of a conversation I had with someone close to my heart telling me that if I’m not comfortable doing something, I won’t bother doing it at all.

To some extent, I guess it’s right. In those moments when I don’t feel competent enough to do the things overs want me to do, I simply just don’t do it. I’m afraid of falling and failing. I’m afraid of not having a security plan to back up all of the negative things being said when I do make a bad decision or mistake. I will always think I did something wrong or something is wrong and we’ve yet to fix it.

So, how do I fix my relationship with security?

Well, I’m learning along the way. I’m trying to learn that it’s okay being uncomfortable in certain, harmful situations. I’m trying to learn that it’s okay to make a decision and stick by it without allowing people to influence my decisions. I’m learning that there are going to be times when I don’t have complete control over everything, but I am still able to control myself.

Finding a balance between challenge and security is definitely a tough task; it’s not something that happens overnight. It takes time to understand and get into situations that test your ability and willingness to try something different. To challenge the healthy and unhealthy types of security I may have in my life is something that I believe will be another big step in my journey of healing.

Acknowledging it is just the first step into fixing this relationship I have with security.

 

 

 

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

We are finally back to our regularly scheduled Saturday program after its summer hiatus; Self-Appreciation Saturday! SAS thanks the Overexposed Project for holding it down for the summer while it was taking a break after being the longest-running series on the blog. Now we’re back and better than ever to help you find some self-appreciation during the weekend!

So, with that being said, let’s talk.

So, as some of you might know, I finally landed a job about a month ago. It was exciting, it was something new, and I was so glad that I was now finally getting some work experience and all that jazz. I work at my old college’s bookstore as a bookseller, which in less fancy terms: an all-round expert on the books in our bookstore, cashier, order packer, stocker, etc. We pretty much do everything besides the special stuff that our managers do. Although I wrote a blog post talking about how my first week of work was like, the real challenge came once the semester started at the end of August.

The first two weeks of the semester is what we call RUSH; it’s the time of year that everyone comes to the bookstore to buy their textbooks for their classes. At first, it was extremely overwhelming. To have only a week of experience before the semester started was hard to adapt to, here and there I’ve made mistakes and had to learn from them. Of course, it doesn’t mean that I wasn’t extremely anxious over those mistakes I made. I sold a wrong book to a customer, I opened all the rolls of coins not knowing that registers are counted at the end of the day, I left someone on hold for 25 minutes, and I walkie-talkied my manager probably 20 times the first day, pleading for help at the downstairs register. For a quick moment, I truly felt like quitting my job because it just seemed like it was doing more harm to my mental health than good. But with a little more helpful guidance from my therapist, some practice, and the support from my amazing manager and coworkers, I am finally getting into the swing of things, and I honestly love the routine I now have with this job.

Having a retail job has definitely taught me more than just how to work the damn register.

In fact, it’s taught me a lot about my anxiety and how to calm it down when something isn’t in my plan-book for the day.

You see, retail isn’t the ideal job for someone that has a social anxiety disorder; retail requires you to be social. You must greet customers, talk to them, ask them helpful questions, smile, help them with anything, and even if they are complete assholes to you, you must still be nice and helpful. Surprisingly, the whole customer interaction thing wasn’t the hardest part for me; in fact, it seemed to be the easiest part of the job, minus the phone call interactions that asked all the complex questions. Anyway, the hardest part of the job is the possible conflicts I had with some of the pissed-off, cranky, and unreasonable customers. The possible mistakes I made that could’ve resulted in those angry customers were the type of things that I had a hard time dealing with.

Explaining this to my therapist when she asked me what was the hardest part of my job surprised her. While she thought the social interactions with people would’ve been the hardest part, it was something that spoke about my self-esteem and confidence more than anything else. Because I’m new to this work environment and even work in general, I’m bound to make mistakes here and there. We all made minor mistakes, and we just have to learn from them, and yeah, practice does make perfect! Also, I’m learning that just because there is just an annoyed customer in my face (or on the phone), it doesn’t mean it’s my fault that the customer feels the way they do. I have to remind myself that there is only so much that I can do in certain situations, and as long as I’m doing that, my job is done nevertheless.

Confrontations are hard enough, and it’s even harder when your anxiety tells you that it’s your fault that these confrontations are happening.

At the end of the day, I am learning not to blame myself for everything that may be going wrong, and just acknowledging that is a huge step to managing your anxiety. Separating yourself and your emotions from these situations are what’s going to help run your life smoothly, in all honesty. Although it’s hard for me to separate the two, constantly reminding yourself that it’s not always directly about you and that people are going to be people regardless. As long as you’re doing what you know is right, nothing else really matters.