Category: Blogust 2020: The Series

Blogust 2020: The Series, Creative Pieces

Day 18: Unconventional Parent Introduction – A Scene.

liz
Downtown Philly Apartment By Rittenhouse Square Entire apartment ...

A young, somewhat-couple; a man with his dreadlocks tied up in a ponytail in a black Parka, and a woman with curly brown hair blowing in the wind in a navy blue pea coat. The man, Micah, is carrying a overnight bag while the woman, Rosie, is rolling her bag on its wheels. The wind is crisp and cold, and Rosie’s face is pink from the brisk air.

They turn the corner and walk towards a house down the block. Rosie looks at the house in front of her; it’s somewhat nostalgic for her to be back. Micah, on the other hand, wears worry on his face. It’s his first time being in Philadelphia meeting one of the most important people in Rosie’s life: her mentor.

Rosie: It’s so trippy to be back here.

Micah looks at Rosie. He instantly calms down. She somehow looks even more beautiful in the cold weather.

Micah: Are you nervous to be back?

Rosie: I mean, I try to avoid Philly at all costs… just reminds me of too much.

Micah ponders Rosie’s words. He knows how rough Rosie had it when she lived in Philly; if anything, she knows these streets better than anyone in this neighborhood. Rosie was a runaway teen; she was rebellious and lived on the streets with other teens her age. She followed the wrong crowd, had a boyfriend that pimped her out for money, and he was abusive to the point she had to secretly contact the police in order to get away from him. Her mentor, a detective from the Philly Police Department, took her in as his own after losing his own daughter at a young age due to a kidnapping. Since then, Rosie sees him more so of a parent than her actual, biological parents… that agreed to emancipation when she turned 18.

Micah’s train of thought breaks when he hears Rosie’s voice.

Rosie: Are you ready to go in, or…?

Micah: *back to reality* Yeah, let’s go in.

They walk up the front stairs and knock on the door. A man in this mid 40’s opens the door and sees Micah and Rosie standing there. He smiles.

The two young adults settle in on the sofa while the older man comes walking out with two mugs of hot chocolate.

Rosie: You didn’t have to go out of your way to do this, Hudson.

Hudson: Hey, it gets cold during these winters, and I know you guys have been traveling for hours!

Rosie: But you’ve never been the hot chocolate kind of guy; you’re getting soft on me?

Hudson laughs; Micah watches the interaction with Rosie and Hudson; he’s never seen Rosie look so… at home. Sure, her past haunts her in Philly, but she seems like whenever she talks to Hudson, she seems safe and comfortable. He’s happy Rosie has someone she can come to if she needs older, wiser advice.

Hudson: Not soft, just trying to quit coffee cold turkey.

Rosie: Ahhh, good. The way you would just gulp them down was… concerning.

Hudson sits in the lounge chair across from Rosie and Micah. He looks at Micah how a detective would look at a suspect; trying to read Micah and his motive for his actions. It leaves him mildly uncomfortable, but he’s here for Rosie.

Rosie: *changes subject* So, Hudson this is Micah; Micah, this is my mentor, Hudson.

Hudson: *coldly* Nice to meet you, son.

Micah: You too, Mr. Hudson. Rosie’s told me a lot about you.

Hudson: *jokingly* Probably all embarrassing things knowing Rosie.

Micah awkwardly laughs. This is just as bad as if he was being introduced to her actual parents.

Micah: So, what do you do for a living, Micah?

Micah: *fidgets with his fingers* I, uhm, do some sound board stuff for a graphic design company.

Hudson: Oh, an artsy friend; that sounds interesting!

Friend. Micah cringes at the word as soon as it’s said. Did Rosie not tell Hudson anything about him prior to this visit? The reason why he came along to this visit with her in the first place? Sure, they’re still friends but… not in the sense Hudson may believe.

Hudson takes a sip on his hot chocolate and places it on the table.

Hudson: As much as I love visits from you Rosie, I know there’s most likely a reason why you came, especially if you brought your friend along. *to Micah* Are you dating Rosie?

Rosie: *defensive* Gosh, no, Hudson!

Micah’s mouth tightens: ouch.

Rosie: Micah is my best friend… we’ve been best friends throughout most of college and I just wanted him to come and keep me company while I’m here.

Micah looks at Rosie confused. Hudson immediately laughs.

Hudson: Micah just gave you up, kid.

Rosie rolls her eyes at Micah. Doesn’t he know that Hudson literally reads people for a living? Rosie takes a deep breath in defeat.

Rosie: Okay, so I do have something to bring up since we’re on this topic…

Rosie immediately looks panicked, and Micah, without thinking twice, places his hand on Rosie’s lap to calm her down. She takes a deep breath.

Rosie: … I’m pregnant. Almost three months.

The room is silent for longer than they expected. Micah knows he’s playing the role of “father-to-be” to convince Hudson that this child is his and hers, and not from an asshole that used to abuse Rosie while dating her. Rosie mentioned that Hudson got involved and almost lost his job for arresting Prescott out of jurisdiction, and of course, Prescott’s family did everything they could to get Hudson locked up for “injustice”, even if Rosie had called him one night to pick her up after a huge fight with Prescott; a busted lip and a ton of bruises later. Micah is literally at a loss for words.

Later into the night…

Micah wakes up from the sofa bed and stretches his back out; Rosie is in her old room with her twin-size bed and he insisted she sleep on that instead of with him on the sofa bed. He gets up, now wide awake, and walks into the kitchen. He nearly jumps back when he sees Hudson sitting in the dim lighting, drinking coffee, reading that day’s newspaper.

Micah: I’m so sorry, Mr. Hudson, I was just–

Hudson: Micah, please; just called me Hudson.

He gestures to pull out the chair to sit next to him. Micah slowly walks and accepts the seat.

Hudson: Don’t tell Rosie that I’m drinking coffee; sometimes you just need it.

Micah: Yeah, of course.

As Hudson sips his coffee, he points the bag of cookies towards Micah, offering to take some. Micah accepts and grabs a cookie.

Hudson: So, you and Rosie, huh? Having a baby…

Micah: *nervous* Yeah…

Hudson: I have to be honest, I’d hope children would be something Rosie would have later in life, but I mean, things happen, and I’m happy for you both.

Micah: Thank you Mr– … Hudson.

Hudson: *jumps the gun* Are you guys living together? Dating? Providing for her? I mean, I like you son and you seem like a good kid but… listen, I know Rosie–

Micah: *defensive* With all due respect, I really acre about Rosie and before anything else, she’s my best friend. Sure we started dating and did things unconventional but… I really do care about her and I will do anything for her and h– our baby.

Micah hopes that Hudson buys the story, but then again… it felt so natural for him to talk about Rosie the way he did. It’s no doubt in his mind that he loves her and will care for her and her baby no matter what.

Hudson intently looks at Micah, and he takes in a deep breath.

Hudson: This isn’t my place to tell you Rosie’s story, but… all I will say is that she’s had a rough past and… well, Rosie came into my life during a time I didn’t have much to live for. My daughter, she was kidnapped when she was a child and… *deep breath* Rosie gave me a second chance to be a father figure to someone. She may not believe it but… she saved my life, and I would do anything for her because of it. I apologize if I come off too strong, I just… care for her like a daughter.

Micah takes in his words; he’s glad that Rosie was able to bring life and joy into someone’s life the same way she did for him. It makes him just fall more in love with Rosie and pretending to be her boyfriend isn’t so hard after all. He even blurts out something he hasn’t mentioned to anyone yet, not even to himself.

Micah: I am in love with Roe– Rosie, and I’d also do anything for her.

Micah swallows hard; shit. He just admitted to the most important person in Rosie’s life that he’s in love with her. He’s looking for an reaction out of Hudson, but he can’t help the word vomit some more.

Micah: I– please don’t say anything to Roe, I haven’t said it to her yet and I don’t know what I was thinking and–

Hudson: *laughs* Your secret’s safe with me, kid. Thank you for loving her for who she truly is, a really awesome kid.

Micah smiles and eats a couple of more cookies. They both continue to talk some more, getting to know each other: man-to-man.

Blogust 2020: The Series, Creative Pieces

Day 16: the 103rd poem – a poem.

liz

this is the 103rd poem

I’ve written mindlessly on my phone

about the world that we live in,

the fairytale love I hope to have one day,

the closing of my long, exhausting chapter,

the flowers that are in full bloom in my garden,

and the random thoughts I have about me,

him, her, you; whoever I decide

inspires the poems that I write

on this day.


and even though it took awhile

to let go of this fear that my writing wasn’t good

enough to be shown and told to the world,

let me remind you this is the 103rd poem;

the 103rd time I reminded myself

that my story matters,

my voice matters,

and even though no one may listen to my words,

at least I’m my own best listener.


to more life to live,

to more love to put out there,

to more chapters being written in silence,

to more growth and a whole lot of self-care,

these words are my own,

and they remind me that I never gave up

on something I was always passionate about.

Blogust 2020: The Series, Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: My Fear of Closeness.

liz

I think there’s something wrong with me.

I feel like normal people in our society have falling outs with the closest people in their lives because they simply grow out of those people; no trauma, no hard feelings, and still have love for each other form afar. Maybe they rekindle in the future, maybe not, but they have the space and opportunity to because their initial falling out wasn’t… malicious.

Almost every close relationship I had in my life ended maliciously and left some trauma behind. Almost every single one.

Hi, my name is Liz and I’m afraid of having close relationships in my life because of the downfall of most of then

I had this thought after having some resurfacing trauma occurring during the end of last month. I’ve had someone in my past reach out to me to offer their apologies to me and I feel like normal people would’ve handled it as “just another message”. Me; I couldn’t breathe. I felt everything come back up like vomit. The memories, the version of myself I left behind, and the anger and resentment I still feel. It all came back, and quite frankly – it set me back a bit.

A message shouldn’t leave me shook like that, and many of these messages from people in my past have left me in the same headspace.

It just made me think: is it me? Why do all my close relationships end in such tragic and negative ways? Why do they have to end with both of us having to deal with some trauma or something? Again, is it me that’s the problem?

At this point, I’ve made some awesome friendships and many of them are getting closer the more we talk; IRL or within the trading community. As excited of allowing these people into my life after not being able to do so with anyone for awhile, it still scares me that I somehow may fuck things up. I might do or say something they’ll hate and never speak to me again or we might just secretly hate me and I just shut down and run away and disappear from people’s lives which yes, that part is my fault, I shouldn’t do that.

I don’t mean to play the victim in this narrative; I know when I’m a part of the problem and I know I’ve caused these same people some level of trauma or anxiety as well. I am not perfect, and I’m trying to tell myself that it’s okay not to be and that I can hurt people too. I take accountability for the things I’ve done, the insecurities I created in other people, and for the things I said out of anger or because I didn’t know how to behave in past situations.

And maybe my past behavior is what causes these close relationships to end so horribly.

But I also know I’m a good friend. I will love you to the moon and back, I will most likely put you even ahead of my romantic relationships because, well, I have a hard time differentiating the two besides one of them involves sexual intimacy which isn’t what I even do anymore.

My point being is that I value the relationships in my life because I don’t have many to begin with. But, even the closest relationships have ups and downs. People have arguments and they make mistakes, but why does it seem like mine never seem that way? Mine are always threatened to end or are hateful; maybe it’s the way I see them?

I honestly don’t know. I just know that because of my past relationships with people, I am afraid to let anyone, romantic and friend, too close because I’m afraid they’ll end all in the same way as they did in the past.

But maybe this new chapter of life I’m on, the one making healthier decisions and reflecting on my behavior and being more self-awareness that maybe this time around my relationships will people will be a lot more healthier. Maybe the version of myself before just couldn’t speak up and handle things cordially, so I just disappeared whenever things got bad. Maybe these relationships in my life finally feel like I’m able to be myself and comfortable to the point that I don’t feel the need to silence myself if conflicts happen.

In this moment in time, I’m so grateful for the relationships I am building because I’m the happiest when I’m being social around people. For someone who deals with social anxiety disorder, it’s definitely weird that one of the things that make me the happiest is being social with other people.

So I hope that I am willing to be more accepting and open to develop close relationships again. I hope I am able to not be afraid of getting close to new people and to not let the judgement of past self dictate my decisions in the present. I’ll work on it, and I hope that this fear doesn’t stay for too long; I’ve met some amazing people in the course of a couple of months.

Blogust 2020: The Series, Creative Pieces

Day 13: “You Don’t Know Her.” – A Scene.

liz

*you can read the first scene here*

Micah is walking down the street; the daylight emphasizes the purple and green colors of the bruise on Micah’s face from the fight back at the bookstore.

He walks to a door of an apartment complex and knocks on it. A girl with dirty blonde wavy hair opens the door, Kalia. She instantly looks at the bruise on Micah’s face and gasps.

Kalia: Oh my god, Micah! What happened?

Micah doesn’t answer her, he just walks into the apartment. Kalia closes the door and follows behind him.

Kalia: Hello? Earth to Micah?

Micah: *irritated* Nothing, Kal, I just got into a fight. That’s all.

Kalia runs to the freezer and grabs an ice pack out; she hands it to Micah and he accepts it.

Kalia: Yeah, I figured that much out. What did you do, Micah?

Micah: *angrily* Oh, so you automatically think it’s my fault?

Kalia: *defensive* I don’t know, you do get yourself in trouble a lot these days…

Micah doesn’t say anything. Kalia continues to look at him, waiting for an answer.

Micah: *sighs* I got into a fight with Prescott, Roe’s… *air quotes* boyfriend.

Kalia: *confused* Why did you get into a fight with her boyfriend for?

Micah: Because he’s a dickhead.

Kalia: *concerned* That doesn’t give you the right to start a fight with him, Micah, I- *realizes something* Did you walk here looking like that?!

Micah: No, we fought right before you answered the door. *annoyed* Of course I did; why?

Kalia does to the window near the front door and looks outside. She whispers “fuck” and closes the curtain.

Kalia: Didn’t you see the paparazzi parked across the street from the building?!

Micah: No?

Kalia: *frustrated* Micah! You know you showing up here looking like that is just going to create bad publicity for us! “Kalia’s beau shows up to her house beaten up! Is Hollywood’s next big thing chasing bad boys?”

Micah is in disbelief. He came to Kalia to feel some comfort after getting hit in the face by a jackass not too long before. He just wanted to feel some peace with his girlfriend. Micah has realized that the Kalia that he first fell in love with back in high-school isn’t the same Kalia that left to start her acting career in Sweden with her father and stepmother and is now back for some U.S. roles at 23-years-old.

Micah: I’m sorry that all I wanted to do is to see my girlfriend and forget about the bullshit that happened.

Kalia: *not catching the sarcasm* I’m just saying that you should’ve at least called me at first. You could’ve came in from the backyard or something.

Micah shakes his head and gets up from the sofa. He puts the ice pack on the kitchen island.

Kalia: You’re leaving?

Micah: *annoyed* Yes, Kal. I’m going home. I should’ve just went home in the first place…

Kalia: Wait, you’re mat at me for something stupid and reckless that you did?

Micah wants to shout out the reason he fought Prescott to her so that Kalia would just shut up and feel bad for blaming this on him. He doesn’t; Kalia doesn’t need to know that Prescott and Rosie’s relationship is abusive. He just looks at her, getting angry.

Micah: I’m mad because you care about your image more than me, Kalia.

Kalia: *dismissive* Stop it Micah, that’s not even remotely true.

Micah: Oh just stop with the condescending bullshit already.

Kalia is taken back by Micah’s attitude; she’s noticed that Micah isn’t the sweet, chill guy he was back in high-school. Something changed in him and she doesn’t like it.

Kalia: I swear you because meaner and more aggressive the more I see you. What the hell happened to you? It’s like ever since you met Rosie, you’ve done nothing but get yourself in trouble!

Micah turns around and looks at Kalia. If there’s one thing he knows about himself is that he explodes whenever someone talks badly about Rosie; his family, his friends at the beginning of their friendship, and now the girl he thought he saw himself with for the rest of his life.

Micah: First of all, Kalia, you don’t know her. You don’t know a goddamn thing about Roe and I swear to God you have no fucking right to talk badly about her! Do you understand?!

Kalia: *disgustingly* Do you hear yourself?! You’re defending her, over me, your girlfriend? How backwards does that sound, Micah? I don’t have to know that skank to know she’s the reason you’re like this!

She went there and the reflex comes in. He walks over to Kalia and backs her into a wall.

Micah: I guess I didn’t make myself clear the first time. *aggressively* You have no fucking right to talk bad about Rosie because you don’t fucking know her. So if I ever hear you call her any type of name ever again, there are going to be problems because quite frankly, she treats me like an actual fucking human being, unlike you.

Kalia: *yells* Get out!

Micah: *yells* Gladly!

Micah turns around and walks towards the front door; Kalia angrily yells at Micah.

Kalia: We are through, Micah! You hear me! THROUGH!

Micah slams the front door shut. He begins to see flashing lights of a camera from across the street. Micah shamefully hides his face and runs away from the complex. So much for a summer-fill of being with Kalia.

— The End —

Blogust 2020: The Series, Music Reviews, Topic Tuesdays: Music

Day 11: A Kpop Trash’s Thoughts on Seungwoo’s Solo Album, “Fame”.

liz
mars; 𝐅𝐀𝐌𝐄 𝐀𝐔𝐆𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝟏𝟎 (@hanseungwoah) | Twitter

Hey, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

This has been a summer of a lifetime for me, let’s just say that.

If I had to sum up my summer 2020 in one word, it would be KPop. I started my collection during this time, I’ve made some really great friendships in this community, and a ton of new music came out. My wallet was crying, y’all.

But the most exciting thing I was looking forward to was Victon’s Seungwoo and his solo debut! It was announced back in June that he was releasing his solo album in August and well, it came out yesterday and wow, I have some thoughts on this bad boy.

*Also note that the English translations for the titles written in Hangul could be inaccurate!

1.) “Fever”

So, the album starts off with this banger, first of all. If you followed Seungwoo’s documentary-style series on the Victon YouTube channel, we were teased with the hook of this song during it’s lyric-making process. A common theme I sense in this song and in a lot of the other tracks was that want for need for comfort, which homie was not lying about when he said that this album is those who need comfort. “Fever”, in my opinion, felt like the second title track; I felt like this song could’ve been the more pop-style title track that I believe would’ve been okay as a title track, but I’m glad it’s not for reasons we will discuss in the next song! This is definitely a song I’ll have to listen to more and grow with, but for now – she’s a strong start to a highly anticipated album.

2.) “Sacrifice”

When I tell you this title track is possibly the strongest and well distributed songs on the album! “Sacrifice” is the title track that shows Seungwoo’s abilities to rap and sing and do it flawlessly in a track. People who were introduced to Seungwoo through X1 and PDX101 (like myself) didn’t get to see much of Seungwoo’s rapping skills, which is what he occasionally does in some Victon’s songs following Hanse, their main rapper. So lyrically in this song is about needing to give up something that you love, but ultimately it will always be a aprt of you… I suck at translations but that’s the gist of it, haha. This song has a nice balance of both the rap side of Seungwoo and vocal side because, oof the high note he hits at the end is deadly. Also, the rap part will forever be stuck in my head because it’s just so fucking catchy and good and UGH – this is such a strong title track, especially one that is considered a debut.

3.) “Reply”

This song is the song you listen to in your car, driving down a street on a hot summer day with your shades on and top down. It’s typically a song not waiting to wait around for a reply but feeling uneasy about being alone, which I could be This has such a summer feel, and it instantly makes me smile. It also has a nostalgic sound, to both 2000’s R&B music and even to some earlier Victon music with some hip-hop flare to it. It’s definitely much the sound that Seungwoo would come out with, it’s classic Seungwoo and I think it was a good idea for him to have a on this debut to showcase that sound that we’ve been familiar with in a lot of his Soundcloud related songs.

4.) “I Just Want Love”

If there was a genre (which there probably is) that was called “Kpop baby-making music”, this song would fall under that genre. This song is definitely my favorite b-side of the album. The beat instantly gave me some 2000’s R&B Usher vibes, and I mean it’s a hell of a sexy song. The lyrics mimic that whole sexy vibe that clearly is saying like… oof I’m hella feeling you and your vibe right now. If there’s one thing Seungwoo can do well, he does sexy extremely well and this song showcases that. To his breathy tone and his falsetto and the infamous moan-like singing he’s known for doing, this song will get you hella flustered. I know it did for me. I feel like Seungwoo really shines in this song and the chorus… first of all he opens the chorus with “baby, melt me in your arms” and then ends with “I just want love!” And his high notes like, what?! This song is just everything and a certified bop.

5.) “forest”

“forest” is the first slow/ballad-like song on the album; he teased that this song was meant for his fans that those who feel like they need comfort, he will provide that by being our forest, which is really beautiful. The lyrics (in the best translation possible at the moment) speaks directly to someone; a friend, a loved one – or in this case – his fans, and let’s them know that if they every feel lonely or need some comfort, he’s there to “be their forest”. I like the very chill melody behind this sing; it still carries a momentum like the other, upbeat songs have, but this song does carry this comfort and chill vibe that is even soothing at some points. Seungwoo has a very soothing voice, even when it’s in a higher pitch and falsetto-like. I really enjoy this song and I honestly think it’s a great song (in my opinion) that can help calm people down and ease their mind. It does for me.

6.) “Child”

I love the guitar playing in the track! It’s so simple with just Seungwoo’s vocal and the guitar playing; you can definitely tell there’s some influence behind this song to Dean’s “Instagram”. It mimics that energy, but is also so different in its own way. It also has a very similar sound to Seungyoun’s music, which I mean, I always believed that they had a very similar musical taste, but yeah! I really enjoy the calmness in this song as well! Lyrics wise, I can honestly relate when he still feels like a child in the world despite being an adult and like, honestly that’s a big mood.

As someone who’s followed his journey for a year now, I am immensely proud he got the opportunity to make his solo debut because he’s fucking talented and it needed its own album to showcase that. Seungwoo has been showcasing some of his skills behind the scenes for awhile now; he’s been helping write lyrics and rap verses for Victon songs ever since their debut in 2016 and this album proves that he’s able to do that for himself, and on his own. You can tell this project meant so much to him and it extraordinarily shows through the final product. Wooya, fighting (or Sacrifighting!)

Victon Members supporting their hyung: a whole vibe.
Blogust 2020: The Series, Creative Pieces

Day 10: “He’s Just Like You” – A Scene.

liz
Why Hospitals Started Displaying Newborn Babies Through Windows ...

The sky outside is pink from the snow falling from the night sky. The halls are full of doctors passing through to different rooms, but it’s still considerably quiet in the hospital.

A woman in a beige wool coat and red curly hair wet from the falling snow, Jennifer, is standing front of a window looking into a room. She doesn’t move, she just stands there in awe of what it’s in front of her.

Moments later, a man in a black trench coat and dreadlocks, Milo, walks towards Jennifer. When he reaches her, he puts a hand on her shoulder. She looks back at Milo, first a little startled but once she realizes who it is, she’s relaxed. Milo smiles at Jennifer and stands next to her. He looks at the window into the room full of newborn babies. They instantly find the one named “Dahlia Kamalani”.

Milo: She’s really pretty.

Jennifer: *smiles* Very pretty.

Jennifer looks intently at the newborn baby.

Jennifer: Rosie told me that Micah named her.

Milo: *interested* Really? I didn’t think he would, considering the circumstances.

Jennifer: She said that she had been hearing Micah call her Dahlia for months. When she asked him how he came up with the name. He told her the story I used to read him when he was kid; “Dahlia the Duckling”. The story about the duckling that felt like she didn’t belong but in the end she embraces her differences and is still able to have the other animals in the lake love her for who she was, not how she looked. *nostalgic* God, he used to love that story.

Milo takes his arm and wraps it around Jennifer for comfort. She takes a deep breath to control her watery eyes.

Milo: Maybe he’ll read it to Dahlia when she gets a little older.

Jennifer smiles at the thought. Milo takes in a deep breath.

Milo: The more than Micah grows up, the more I see how much he takes after you.

Jennifer looks at Milo, wondering what he meant by that.

Jennifer: If you mean his rebellious teenage years when we constantly held our breath every time his school called, then I think we established that already.

Milo: I mean, you’re not wrong…

Jennifer nudges Milo, he laughs.

Milo: Although he got his rebellious nature from you, I think he got more than just that.

Jennifer: Like what?

Milo looks down at Jennifer, and then back into the nursery.

Milo: He took Dahlia in as his own, the same way you took Milo in.

Jennifer stands there in deep thought. She remembers when her and Milo were teenagers themselves, Milo just had his son, Milo Jr, and the unfortunate events of his girlfriend passing away put him in the toughest place possible. Jennifer remembers the tiredness and the complete defeat in his eyes when he showed up on her doorstep with Milo Jr in a carrier, a backpack, and a suitcase. Thankfully her family was understanding for taking in Milo when he needed the help the most, and something just instantly clicked with her and Milo Jr. She was never maternal, but the way she cared for Milo Jr and helped Milo take care of him made it feel like it was something she was always meant to do. She never wanted to replace Milo Jr’s mother, but she wanted to be a person in his life that he can go to when things got shaky or when his father was being too tough on him.

In a sense, she feels like she treats Micah, her first biological child, the same way Milo treated his firstborn: over-protective, a little disapproving at times, and worrisome. Jennifer is constantly worrying about the decisions Micah make or the things he does as he gets older. At first, she was completely against this idea that Micah will step in and help Rosie take care of her baby when it wasn’t even his to take care of. Seeing Micah become the man that he is today and not the little boy that clung onto her every time she took him to school, makes her proud but also sullen.

Jennifer: There was something about Milo that was easy to help care of. Of course, I did it because you were my best friend; I’d do anything for you.

Milo: I mean, Micah sees the same in Rosie, don’t you think? I mean, why else would our 24-year-old son take in a child that is not his if he didn’t see Rosie the way you saw me?

Jennifer looks at Milo, uneasy.

Jennifer: You think she loves him, Mi?

Milo is a little taken back from the question.

Milo: I don’t think that baby’s last name would be his if she didn’t, babe. But I know you already know that. You’re asking because he’s your firstborn, and you worry about him.

Jennifer: *noticeably relieved* I know I wasn’t like this with Milo, and I mean I worried about him at Micah’s age and everything, and I worry about the girls, but… Micah is just…

Milo: Micah is different, Pep. He always will be. He’s your first born, your rainbow baby. Practically your twin.

Jennifer: Were you this way with Milo?

Milo: *obvious* Oh my god, babe, you know how stressed I was with Milo when we found out Sophia was pregnant with Summer. You went through it with me.

Jennifer: I know, I know but honestly… *looks at Milo* does this feeling ever go away?

Milo: Sadly, it doesn’t. Firstborns will be the reason parents will prematurely go gray. Don’t worry, when Dahlia grows up, Micah’s hair will be fully white by the time he’s in his mid-30’s… I’m surprised I’m not fully gray yet after the girls started to grow up.

Jennifer: *laughs* Reagan and Dylan just turned 18, Mi, they’ll give you something to go gray for.

Milo takes in a deep breath; he’s not ready to have that conversation.

Milo: I hope Micah knows what he’s getting himself into, but I know he wouldn’t do anything else different.

Both of their eyes meet the glass when they see Dahlia wake up from her sleep. She has the deepest honey brown eyes, and already a head of mousey brown curly hair. She looks exactly like Rosie; they could even be twins. Jennifer smiles at the cooing baby through the glass window. Milo hugs Jennifer.

Milo: Another grandchild to put on our list, babe… gosh, we are only turning 50 this year and we already have three grandchildren…

Jennifer laughs an authentic, hearty laugh, which still do this day makes Milo the happiest. They watch the nurse pick up Dahlia and rock her for a bit. There’s no denying the fact that they both already love Dahlia.

— The End —

Blogust 2020: The Series

Day 9: Making Lifestyle Changes with an Anxiety Disorder.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, a lot of things have been changing in my life recently. I feel like the person I was even back at the beginning of the summer was not the same place that present me is in now. It’s a little scary, but I feel like I’m more than ready, especially now, to take on these changes.

For starters, I might be returning back to work soon! It’s been 5 months since I last had a day of work and now that the pandemic is slowing down here in NYC, we’re all are getting back to our lives in somewhat a normal (new normal) way.

I’m a little nervous to get back to it because I feel like I will need to relearn everything I knew before. I’m sure many of us who are returning are going to need just a day of relearning things, but I know myself well enough that I would get back into the swing of things once I’m physically there and going back to my routine.

Another major thing that is changing is also my lifestyle. Within the next couple of months, I’ll be finally prepping myself for bariatric surgery; it requires a lot of sacrifices and a complete change within my lifestyle. I can’t lie, it’s been causing me a lot of anxiety lately because I feel like I don’t have much self-control to ever majorly change my lifestyle in the way that I have to for this surgery. In other words, I feel like even if I slip up for a day or two, I would be extremely hard on myself for lacking discipline. I know it’s not going to be an easy transition and I know I will fail here and there while adjusting, but knowing that fact scares me.

Also, let me just slip the fact that any change whatsoever scares the living shit out of me.

Dealing with an anxiety disorder, no matter what spectrum its on, it makes change extremely worrisome. We work the best when we have a routine packed down; we feel the most comfortable when he know what’s going to happen, how’s it gonna happen, and when it’s going to happen. It’s knowing that we’re not threatened when things happen and that we don’t feel so overwhelmed when things don’t go as planned.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we hate change, because we don’t know how it’ll affect our already established routines.

For me, I’ve been personally writing in what I call a anxiety journal; I wanted to write out my anxieties as they happen just so they don’t linger on my mind for too long! For the most part, it’s been working; it’s given me a place where I can talk thing out with myself and possibly resolve any worries I have about things. Of course, it’s not going to be the solution for every anxiety I deal with, but it’s still a good alternative to resolve some of them out.

Although many of these new lifestyle changes are up and coming and I have to start getting used to them, I know that in the wrong run that they will become a part of my routine and it won’t be as scary as it is now.

Embrace some changes, especially if they are positive changes.

Blogust 2020: The Series, Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: The August Memories.

liz

August has become one of the hardest months to go through for the many memories it carries.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I remember same of the most life-changing things that happen in August that I wish to one day forget completely.

Two years ago on August 18th, 2018, my family and I went to a mass for my grandfather who passed away just weeks prior due to lung cancer. His life span went from two months to two weeks, to then the following day finding out he passed on. I want to say our family hasn’t been the same since then and I don’t think we ever will be; he held us together like glue. Now? Well, we’d be lucky if we see each other twice a year or something. That day, I saw my entire family cry and for the first time since his death, I quietly mourned his loss. I’m not good with death and I always believed my role in the family was to be the strong one, but I was allow to cry and grieve that day. I didn’t. I didn’t grieve my grandfather’s death until I was by myself, in the shower, where no one was able to hear my cries.

One year ago, on August 19th, 2019, the decade-long relationship I had ended in a mutual agreement. Things were said to each other and we both know that our journey together was coming to an end. We had broken up way too many times before to not feel like it was time to officially call it quits. I remember simply asking my ex “what do you want?” and he asked, “from you?” and I just said, “for yourself.” It was the first time that I admitted out loud that I wasn’t in any position to love another person because I didn’t love myself. I knew I was doing nothing but hurting my ex by checking out, and it was my responsibility that I didn’t speak up sooner in hopes I’d feel better or be better. But, your soul just doesn’t work that way. She tells you when it’s time to let go and move on and she sticks to her word.

This happened the late-night before my first day at my first job. I was nervous about starting something completely new and ironically I was ending something that had been in my life for the last decade. I cried over the phone for hours, fearing that I was losing the one person in my life I thought loved me for me. I wanted to work things out, but I also knew that I needed to be on my own for a bit and figure out what I needed for myself. In hindsight, I feel guilty that my relationship had to be the thing I sacrificed in order to do that, but there was reason why it was sacrificed in the first place.

I woke up to then start my first day at my new job at the bookstore. I walked in and saw two people and my manager standing behind the register area, and I simply said, “hi, I’m Liz, ‘m here for the training…” With two other newcomers that day, I simply distracted myself from what had happened the night prior. None of the people at my job knew who I was, I guess I played the role of “normal young adult” well enough to the point that they didn’t know that my first day was the day my relationship ended until I told them once we got close.

One year ago, on August 25th, 2019, I cut myself for the first time since July 7th, 2013. I was on the phone with my ex, again trying to talk everything out and say everything that needed to be said in order to move on. It turned into an argument. It turned into a full-blown fight. I don’t remember the specific details because I used to dissociate whenever I was being yelled at or in a confrontation, but I remember feeling like all I wanted was someone to see that I wasn’t okay, that the way I’ve been acting and the way I’ve been for the longest time was because my depressive episodes were at its worst, that no, my depression wasn’t just the normal routine for nervousness at a new environment, my depression was the kind that those around me are empathetic about because they are afraid they’ll lose them to suicide. I just wanted someone to take my mental health seriously for once, and my scars on my arm was the only visible way to show people I am not okay. In hindsight, it was extremely unhealthy of me, but in that moment when I wanted someone to see me, I didn’t care.

The following day, on August 26th, 2019, it was the official first day of RUSH at the bookstore. Once my name tag went around my neck and I walked into that store to clock-in, I was “Hi, how can I help you?” Liz, not the “I cut the shit out of myself and the bruises are hiding under my sleeve because I’m deeply depressed” Liz.

Two years in a row, I lost two people who absolutely meant the most to me in this world.

My grandfather was the voice of wisdom, even when sometimes his age showed in his beliefs. My grandfather was my grandfather, despite him not being my biological grandfather. He took care of my sister and I since we were little kids; treated us like his own whenever we used to visit him and my grandmother just a block away from our house and eventually in Pennsylvania. He was tough, but he had a heart of gold and he was fearless. If he were to still be alive during this time of self-discovery and emancipation from my past, I believe he would be proud of me for doing something that was fearless. I believe he would still love the person that I am today.

My ex was my best friend before anything else, and to this day it still hurts that in this process of ending our relationship, I lost a best friend. I lost the friend that helped me pay for textbooks whenever I couldn’t cover them. I lost the friend that came to my uncle’s funeral to be by my side for a moment. I lost the friend that I used to support when it came to their wildest dreams. I lost the friend that was an amazing friend, and parts of me wish I haven’t fallen in love and made things complicated with our feelings. Unfortunately, things happen and if you sacrifice one aspect of the relationship, you sacrifice the whole thing, especially when both relationships were so intertwined with one another. I didn’t lose a partner that night over the phone, I lost my best friend.

Perhaps these are just some of the reasons why I’m so afraid to get too close to people. I’m afraid I’ll lose them, I’m afraid things will get complicated to the point you have to let them go, I’m afraid that one day I’ll say “see you later” and it ultimately turns into the last goodbye. I’m afraid of letting people too close to my heart. I can pour out my heart and tell you my history and my story because hey, I’m a writer, I tell my story almost in every post I write. What I don’t do often is let people live in my heart, just because it’s been broken so many times whenever someone moved out of it.

Theses August memories are some of the memories I still mourn, no matter how many years pass by and no matter how much I’m now in a better place. These August memories are some of the moments that make up my being as of today, and hopefully I am able to forgive myself and these memories and move on from them like I’m doing with the rest of my past.

Blogust 2020: The Series, Creative Pieces

Day 7: in my corner – a poem.

liz

are you proud of me?

are you happy that i found myself

through heartache and mental illness,

identity crisis and survivor’s guilt and

everything else that weighed me down over the years?

are you happy that i’m happy;

sitting in my corner

with things that make me happy,

Victon albums, fairy lights, & a souvenir

from my first ever solo plane trip,

Polaroids of my cat, a friend with lipstick so black,

a wall of pictures of Kpop boys

all covered with friends’ letters:

the ones who support me and spam Seungsik’s photos

as a weapon to attack;

my pet turtle named Squirtle that lives on my desk

and my laptop viewing watch parties and causing chaos with friends;

are you happy i found my happiness

in the littlest things?

i hope you’re happy for me

as much as i’m happy for you

for finding your happiness in things

and in other people that aren’t me anymore.

i hope you smile when you see i’m doing good

and that maybe i just need to be in my corner

in order for me to blossom.