Overexposed: My Fear of Closeness.

I think there’s something wrong with me.

I feel like normal people in our society have falling outs with the closest people in their lives because they simply grow out of those people; no trauma, no hard feelings, and still have love for each other form afar. Maybe they rekindle in the future, maybe not, but they have the space and opportunity to because their initial falling out wasn’t… malicious.

Almost every close relationship I had in my life ended maliciously and left some trauma behind. Almost every single one.

Hi, my name is Liz and I’m afraid of having close relationships in my life because of the downfall of most of then

I had this thought after having some resurfacing trauma occurring during the end of last month. I’ve had someone in my past reach out to me to offer their apologies to me and I feel like normal people would’ve handled it as “just another message”. Me; I couldn’t breathe. I felt everything come back up like vomit. The memories, the version of myself I left behind, and the anger and resentment I still feel. It all came back, and quite frankly – it set me back a bit.

A message shouldn’t leave me shook like that, and many of these messages from people in my past have left me in the same headspace.

It just made me think: is it me? Why do all my close relationships end in such tragic and negative ways? Why do they have to end with both of us having to deal with some trauma or something? Again, is it me that’s the problem?

At this point, I’ve made some awesome friendships and many of them are getting closer the more we talk; IRL or within the trading community. As excited of allowing these people into my life after not being able to do so with anyone for awhile, it still scares me that I somehow may fuck things up. I might do or say something they’ll hate and never speak to me again or we might just secretly hate me and I just shut down and run away and disappear from people’s lives which yes, that part is my fault, I shouldn’t do that.

I don’t mean to play the victim in this narrative; I know when I’m a part of the problem and I know I’ve caused these same people some level of trauma or anxiety as well. I am not perfect, and I’m trying to tell myself that it’s okay not to be and that I can hurt people too. I take accountability for the things I’ve done, the insecurities I created in other people, and for the things I said out of anger or because I didn’t know how to behave in past situations.

And maybe my past behavior is what causes these close relationships to end so horribly.

But I also know I’m a good friend. I will love you to the moon and back, I will most likely put you even ahead of my romantic relationships because, well, I have a hard time differentiating the two besides one of them involves sexual intimacy which isn’t what I even do anymore.

My point being is that I value the relationships in my life because I don’t have many to begin with. But, even the closest relationships have ups and downs. People have arguments and they make mistakes, but why does it seem like mine never seem that way? Mine are always threatened to end or are hateful; maybe it’s the way I see them?

I honestly don’t know. I just know that because of my past relationships with people, I am afraid to let anyone, romantic and friend, too close because I’m afraid they’ll end all in the same way as they did in the past.

But maybe this new chapter of life I’m on, the one making healthier decisions and reflecting on my behavior and being more self-awareness that maybe this time around my relationships will people will be a lot more healthier. Maybe the version of myself before just couldn’t speak up and handle things cordially, so I just disappeared whenever things got bad. Maybe these relationships in my life finally feel like I’m able to be myself and comfortable to the point that I don’t feel the need to silence myself if conflicts happen.

In this moment in time, I’m so grateful for the relationships I am building because I’m the happiest when I’m being social around people. For someone who deals with social anxiety disorder, it’s definitely weird that one of the things that make me the happiest is being social with other people.

So I hope that I am willing to be more accepting and open to develop close relationships again. I hope I am able to not be afraid of getting close to new people and to not let the judgement of past self dictate my decisions in the present. I’ll work on it, and I hope that this fear doesn’t stay for too long; I’ve met some amazing people in the course of a couple of months.