-Liz (:
Month: April 2017
No Self-Appreciation Saturday Post! (4/29/17)
Hey, guys!
Sorry, but there isn’t a post today for Self-Appreciation Saturday! I’m in the final weeks of my semester and my crunch time game is serious at the moment, so I’m spending my entire weekend trying to get as much work done for my classes as possible!
Yes, there are other queued posts for May, in this particular case I didn’t have much time to write this week, so come by on Tuesday to see another TNTH post be published!
In the meantime, you can check back and read the previous Self-Appreciation Saturday posts by clicking the bolded link or the “Self-Appreciation Saturdays” tab on the TNTH homepage.
Thank you guys for following and supporting TNTH, see you on Tuesday!
-Liz (:
What Grad School Taught Me.
I’m the first one within my immediate friends’ group and family to be attending grad school. Ultimately, I didn’t plan on going to grad school for my Master’s because I thought four years of college were enough to last me for a lifetime. I knew I wanted to expand my studies in Cinema because I wanted to become a scriptwriter for awhile, and I needed more studies in film and television if I wanted to pursue that as a career. I applied in Fall 2015 to attend a film school in Fall 2016. I got rejected due to limited spots within the program, and by that point, I felt extremely discouraged and told myself that grad school was officially out of the picture.
Until CSI granted me the opportunity to continue my studies in their MA program for English. I felt blessed to have this handed to me without having a backup plan after the film school rejected me, so I decided to stay at my college and study English (again) as a grad student.
I am currently wrapping up my first official year of grad school. I will be graduating this time next year.
Boy how time flies.
If you were to ask “22-year-old college senior Liz” what grad school would be like, I would tell you that it was going to be tedious, but nothing that I can’t handle. I still remember my last famous words being “I did 5 classes for two semesters straight; how hard could two classes be?”
Dear “22-year-old college senior Liz”, you played yourself.
Prior to attending grad school, I planned to do a lot of things with the spare time I thought I was going to have. I wanted to be more involved with my school’s drama club, I wanted to write a lot more scripts and potentially make them into short films or scenes, and I definitely wanted to finally get a job. After realizing that I had a project already due the first day of grad school, I realized just how intense grad school was going to be.
Grad school is definitely a different type of commitment you make than regular college. Nowadays, it’s ideal to go to college after high-school; most careers and jobs require a Bachelor’s degree. Going to grad school and getting your Master’s isn’t as common, hence why it’s more a commitment. The reality of it all is that you don’t have to go to grad school; you could be perfectly fine with life with just your Bachelor’s degree. So when you decide to pursue grad school and it becomes too much to handle, the question of “do I really need to do this?” definitely comes up. I know it did for me.
Grad school, especially studying English, requires a lot of research. You’re writing 20-page final papers, you’re putting on presentations for 4 different projects, and your vacation days and breaks that you have are strictly for doing work.
Grad school has definitely taught me a lot about my work ethic and how to properly handle my time management. My undergrad years I did my work very last minute, especially in classes that I really didn’t like. I went through many semesters not reading any of the books for my literature course and still managed to pass all of them with A’s and such. Grad school… a completely different ball game. The readings are longer, dense, and require a lot more of your time in order to engage in class discussions and most of all, you’ve made it this far. People don’t understand that at when in a grad-level class, everyone made it just as far as you. People are a lot more intellectual, and the people who may appear like they don’t do much in class are the same people who are honestly just low-key geniuses.
The truth of it all is that you have to physically prepare yourself for grad school and even then you’re not fully ready. People assume that grad school is just going to be a little bit harder than undergrad (or even easier) when really, two classes feel like two full-time jobs. Grading is different, attendance is different, the work is different, and yes – even the stress is different.
In my bad habits turned to good ones’ post, I explain how I had to revamp my time management skills by pretty much using my calendar to write down even the days that I have to do work. Grad school work is nothing like undergrad; YOU CANNOT LEAVE IT FOR THE LAST MINUTE. It’s impossible, to say the least.
Last but certainly not least, you have to change your attitude towards school if you want to pass grad-level classes. Specifically, at my school, I have to keep at least a 3.0 GPA (in other words, a B) in order to graduate. My GPA right now is a 3.3, which honestly can change with just a simple bad grade in one course. The pressure that comes with exceeding in grad school literally wears you out, and if you don’t have tough skin to handle the ups and downs of grad school, then grad school isn’t the place for you.
It’s the honest truth.
Of course, grad school isn’t just this horrible place of negativity and anxiety. If anything, grad school has made me into a better writer and has been teaching me the reality of what it takes to be respected in academia. In the near future, I’ll be writing a post about the writing/rhetoric composition side of writing I learn in grad school that I never knew even existed; but that’s beside the point. As a grad student, you are granted this freedom that you don’t get as an undergrad. In grad school, you are allowed to have your own ideas and explore all these different things without having your professors tell you you’re off-topic or some shit (of course, some professors are just naturally one-sided). As a grad student, there is this certain respect you get from your peers that you don’t necessarily get from undergrad because the classes are just overly crowded on the undergrad level. You also get to connect with professors better when you’re on the grad-level (honestly, Professor Carlo has been such an inspiration for me while on this grad school journey, so thank you for making me a better writer).
All in all, grad school is a risk that you should take if you believe that you can do it. It’s okay if you know deep down inside you can’t handle it; it’s not for everyone. I didn’t know that it was essentially for me, and I’m still trying to cope with the new surroundings and identity being a grad student. Yes, at times I feel like the stress and anxiety do take over me, but personally, I feel like grad school has made me grow into myself and to perfect my craft as a writer.
So, if you’re thinking about grad school, I say go for it. There’s nothing wrong furthering your education. If you’re not thinking about grad school, don’t sweat it. Don’t do it because you have to, do it because you want to.
-Liz (:
SAS: My Social Anxiety Story. (4/22/17)
Over the years, I’ve realized just how bad my shyness can be, especially at social events and gatherings. I always wondered why it scared me whenever I was invited to a party, and why I decided to never go. I’ve always enjoyed having a good time, so why did I never allow myself to by just saying yes to the invitations I get? I realized that as I got older, the anxiety got worse, and when I tried to take control of it one time, I realized that this wasn’t just a little episode of anxiety, but that I have some sort of social anxiety.
When I was younger, I was extremely outgoing. I had tons of friends in my neighborhood, school, and going to parties and to friend’s houses weren’t so nerve-wracking. I would classify myself as a leader when I was younger; I never followed anyone and I was always fearless to do the things that no one else wanted to do. I guess after I graduated middle school and moved on to a school in a neighborhood that none of my friends lived in, I became very timid and shy. Even though my high-school experience didn’t make me introverted since I had tons of friends in high-school, the fact that I felt like I couldn’t fit into most groups made me fall into the category of “quiet, smart people”.
The earliest memory I have of feeling anxious at a social gathering was when I was invited to a friend’s “Sweet 15” back in 2009. I went with a couple of my guy friends from middle school, and when I got to the party and they started to talk and dance with the other girls there, I was left at the table by myself. I left at midnight, crying because none of my friends were there hanging out with me, and I felt super awkward being there. After that whole thing happened, I declined Sweet 16 invitations and decided that my best bet was to stay home and be comfortable in my own setting.
When I graduated high school and started college, I realized that because the school was so big and filled with thousands of people, I knew it was impossible to be “popular”. It was also going to be impossible to make friends and actually keep them because most of these people lived in Staten Island, and me in Brooklyn. For four years, my only friend was Obie, my high-school best friend since 2009. I didn’t have a group of college friends until I was in my senior year of college when I decided to take acting classes for my drama minor requirements.
When I made this group of friends in acting, I was very anxious in interacting with them outside the classroom setting. The first time my friend, Tori, drove me home after class, I was definitely a different person than the one I was in that classroom. Tori was like my other half in that class, and everyone knew it. But something changed in me once we both left that classroom; I was nervous, I was quiet, I was wondrously looking around to keep myself from focusing in on the situation itself. I remember sharing this during a “human behavior” session in Acting the following class, and she admitted that she saw that happening to me. It was embarrassing, to say the least.
Because I was determined to keep this new group of friends, I wanted to put myself out there more. Not only did I have this new-found group of friends, but my best friend is Obie, aka “Mr. Social Butterfly”. No matter what day it is, he constantly has someone to hang out with because he’s just so sociable and outgoing. He’s been that way since as long as I’ve known him, and I realized that if I wanted to be a part of his friend circle and interact with everyone in it like a normal fucking human being, that I needed to fight this battle I have with social anxiety. For years, Obie has known my struggle with my social anxiety, and I appreciate that he doesn’t try to put me into situations where it could be overwhelming. At the time though, I felt left out in that part of his life. I wanted to be cordial and on a talking basis with his friends and family, I wanted to be invited to his gatherings or to the bar whenever he went with his friends; I just wanted to feel like I was able to fit in with him and his friend group. After the many failed attempts in trying to be sociable with the people who came over to his place while I was there, I told him I wanted to be formally invited to his 24th birthday party. He warned me, and after not listening to him, I realized I should’ve.
Over the years, Obie has cut down his “turn-ups” and parties a lot, but the only big bash he really throws his one for his birthday. His birthday is usually during the “unofficial start of the summer” weekend, aka Memorial Day weekend. Of course, he was throwing another party at his house, and I finally wanted to be a part of his birthday celebration. We went back and forth on whether or not it was going to be okay for me to go, yet I told him I needed to do this for myself. So, I went.
That Saturday night, I got to his place two hours before the party was supposed to start. (Red Flag #1: people who tend to show signs of anxiety usually make it their mission to be one of the first people at a social gathering so that they don’t walk into something that’s already crowded.) When I got there, I was one of 6 other people there, and these other six people were friends and family that I see whenever I’m at his place, so I felt comfortable. As more people came and the more crowded his apartment was getting, I was getting a little anxious. From the time I got there to the time I left at midnight, I stayed in one spot of the entirety of the night. (Red flag #2: people who tend to show signs of anxiety usually stay in one particular spot at social gatherings, making it hard for them to mingle and socialize with other people, and even feeling anxious to get up from their spot to use the bathroom because you’re afraid someone is going to look at you when you do get up.) The people who I was first there with were now all over the apartment talking to people, playing Uno (which I wanted to join in but was too scared to get up which is Red flag #3: people who show signs of anxiety don’t create opportunities to join into something, they wait until someone who is doing the activity ask them if they want to join, which in that case you say yes.) Of course, no one asked me to play, and I sat in my spot, just watching those around me, feeling awkward.
Every once and awhile, Obie came to ask me how I was doing, and when it became too transparent on my face to continue saying I was fine, I told him “I feel weird.” In his attempts to keep me company and to help me feel better, I knew he couldn’t cater to me all night; it was his birthday and his party and those who came to his party wanted to see him. He had to be the host that night, not my only friend at the party. After awhile, there was no room to get by and my anxiety began to skyrocket. By 11 o’clock, I was ready for my father to come and pick me up because I started to get really hot in the face and every person that came up to try to talk to me, I responded in jibberish. I was a mess, to put it kindly, and when my father finally texted me that he was downstairs of Obie’s building, I pulled Obie to the side and told him I was leaving.
In my attempt to remain calm and content, Obie saw right through me. He knew that something was wrong, and after trying to play it off all night, I finally told him that I was having a really bad anxiety attack. I saw him through blurry, panicky eyes. I was hot, I couldn’t breathe, and I don’t remember if I actually heard anyone or anything around me besides Obie. He handed me a glass of water and walked me downstairs. He hugged me bye and I cried all the way home.
Most people will never understand the severity of social anxiety, and that’s just a straight up fact. Every now and then, anxiety can go away and be prevented, but it takes more than “just start talking to people” or “just be yourself, silly.” It’s when you feel stuck in your seat and no matter how badly you need to use the bathroom, you hold it in because you don’t want anyone to see you get up. It’s when you rather let someone else answer the question that a professor asks because you’re too afraid of answering and being told that it’s wrong. It’s the awkward jibberish that comes out of your mouth when trying to socialize with people and then feel embarrassed when you sound dumb because your mind is too nervous to function right. It’s when you unintentionally make yourself the oddball in a group of people but at the same time screaming in your head “please talk to me first!”
It’s all these things and more, and it’s something that people will write off as being rude or “not being friendly”. Some of my old friends don’t even talk to me anymore because they think that I don’t care about them anymore because I never reach out when really, being the first to text someone scares the shit out of me because I’m afraid of annoying them. The truth of the matter is is that’s the last thing I’m trying to do.
I usually keep my anxiety to myself because it’s definitely one of those things that people will easily write off as being weak because everyone has anxiety in one way or another. I also keep it to myself because no matter how bad I’m feeling, I always feel like my little episodes of anxiety bother people when I express them. The fact of the matter is that yeah, I tend to make the littlest things and think about them all damn day, not realizing that it wasn’t that big, to begin with.
I don’t know.
I guess I’m just trying to be okay with myself and sometimes, it’s just not enough.
-Liz. (:
First Tattoo: Story + Meaning.
On November 29th, 2014 around 3pm-ish, I got my very first tattoo.
I was a 20-year-old junior in college that was in love with everything television that involved crime drama. I watched almost anything that had a compelling story to it, and you can blame that slight obsession from the TV show, The Killing.
For those who never heard of the show, The Killing is a character-driven crime drama that involves one case a season (with the exception of the Rosie Larsen case being two seasons long). The main characters, Detective Sarah Linden and Detective Stephen Holder, learn how to work with each other and find themselves in shitty situations, doing whatever it takes to solve these cases. Linden, being crazy dedicated to her work, also has a dark past; once being too heavily involved in a case that caused her to go crazy, and just dealing with the demons of her past. Holder, a newbie in the Homicide division, is pretty much the only one that could identify with her because he’s not the most perfect person either. Throughout the series, you see their give and take towards each other and at the end of it, you understand just how much they do need each other in order to balance each other out. No, they don’t end up together like Mulder and Sully did in The X-Files, but Linden and Holder are possibly the definition of a perfectly platonic relationship. Ever.
Because of my love for The Killing, I realized that my first tattoo would be something that related to the show. The show doesn’t have any little symbols that correlate with it like Harry Potter has with symbols or something cute like that. Despite my love for it, the show is full of darkness and dealt with serious topics like runaways, crooked politics, sexual assault, missing homeless girls, drug abuse, and manslaughter of families. So when Season 4 of The Killing premiered, the last episode of the series was “Eden”, and years after Linden and Holder went their separate ways, they reunited 5 years later, back in Seattle, where it all started.
So, whatever – I’m crying my eyes out because it’s the last episode ever of The Killing, and Linden confesses to Holder how she never had a real home, and in the course of the three cases they worked on together, you know “in that stupid car, driving around and smoking cigarettes”…
She says: “I think maybe…
IT NEARLY KILLED ME. So fast forward a couple of months, and I really wanted to get a tattoo before the new year started. At this point, I’ve had ideas for tattoos stored in my little box of notes forever, and as soon as I saw this moment, I felt something. It was weird, because, for something as dark as The Killing, this little line had hope in it. Even if Linden’s home was her and Holder, my “home” that potentially saved my life back in 2013 when I had really nothing left to live her, was this show and the people who I got the pleasure in connecting with through the fandom on Twitter. These two best friends, Lauren and Melissa, welcomed me and thousands of fans into the fandom to help bring back the show for a fourth season after being canceled (twice) and communicated with us during the wait for season 4 in 2014. They even decided to create a series of books (which I had the pleasure of being a part of) for the showrunner, Veena Sud, and the two main actors: Mireille Enos and Joel Kinnaman.
All in all, it was a moment in my life where I felt like I belonged in a community and this show allowed me to love and be passionate about something that wasn’t always about me. I wanted to take this moment in my life and always remember the “home” I had with these people who seriously helped me turn my life around. It’s cheesy, but I wouldn’t be the person I am today if The Killing wasn’t introduced to me.
But anyway, I decided that at the end of November, I was going to get “home was us” as my first official tattoo. I went to Brooklyn Ink in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, and was tattooed by Matt Huff (ironically enough he’s the brother of one of my sister’s old high-school friends). Nevertheless, the tattoo took about 10 minutes in total to complete and that day, with Obie as my plus one, I got my very first tattoo.
Side story: So, Obie and I walk into the tattoo parlor, and of course in this surrounding, Obie is like a little kid at a candy store. Obie is not about that piercing or tattoo life, so when Matt was setting up and getting ready at his station, Obie and I stood in the front and looked at all the artwork on the walls and shit. Obie looks at Alex, another tattoo artist at Brooklyn Ink, and asked him if the tattoos on his face “hurt”. I literally face palmed myself. But in all seriousness, Obie was definitely amused of the tattoo environment. It was cute.
The only downfall of this tattoo is that it’s not common, so it obviously is going to have a story or meaning behind it and when people ask, you gotta explain it. I’ve had people look at me sideways as soon as I mentioned the word “killing” in my explanation, but hey – I believe in getting meaningful tattoos, and this one tells a story way too long to tell for “small talk”.
But I digress.
Anyway, I’m planning to get at least one more small tattoo that will be a matching one with my sister. I don’t know what it is yet, but hopefully, we get it soon because after writing this, I can totally go for another tattoo experience.
-Liz (:
♥ Happy Easter! ♥
Happy Easter, TNTH readers! Whether you celebrate the holiday or not, I just wanted to write a little Sunday post to personally thank the people who came out during Spring Break to hang out with me on Instagram Live before every TNTH post was published. It was really fun to talk to you guys and tell you about some of these TNTH posts and inspiration behind them. I also shared some little surprises coming to the blog in the next couple of months, which I will let you guys know once everything is finalized.
So yeah, I hope you guys are enjoying the last days of your Spring Break (if you are currently on it), I hope you’re spending time with family on this Easter Sunday (again, if you celebrate it), and again, thank you so much for your support and feedback on TNTH!
I also wanted to give a quick birthday shout out to a fellow blogger and old friend of mine, Nina. Nina is the creator and writer of SparklyWarTanks, a blog whose core message is to empower women in every aspect of their lives whether it be social, spiritual, mental, etc. She is turning 23 today, and you guys should totally wish her a happy birthday and read all of her inspirational stuff on her blog.
See you all on Tuesday; enjoy the last of your weekend and break! 😀
-Liz (:
Self-Appreciation Saturday. (4/15/17)
I hope everyone who is currently on Spring Break is having a lovely week off from school or work or whatever you are on vacation for; I definitely needed this time off to get all the week that I needed to get done GET DONE before the semester ends in a month. Again, this is what my Spring Break has been like for the last two years: just working on school stuff at home.
But now that we all had our week off and we all return to reality on Tuesday, it could be hard to transition from “lazy, unproductive self” to “did I forget to breathe during my long day of work?” self. We all got a taste of relaxation and days of sleeping in, and now we all have the Spring Break blues.
So, how do you get rid of them before the break is actually over?
#TBT: All About 2014.
2014 was an amazing year for personal growth. The year before was a rough one; I was very much still dealing with lingering depression from high school, my freshman year of college wasn’t the greatest experience ever, and I was holding on to toxic friendships that were ruining the friendships that meant something real to me. Starting my sophomore year of college, I had a better head on my shoulders, and 2014 is still a year I very much look back at and hope to have another year like it.
What I’m Currently Listening To! (Part 2!)
Hey, guys! Long time, no see. Welcome back to TNTH.
I decided to recycle a post that I did all the way back in January when the blog first launched, and after re-reading that, I realized that new music has come out since then, which I will like to share with you guys! Again, if you will like to see what’s always on my playlist (minus the Hector Lavoe and 2Pac; my father’s playlist is on my account), make sure to follow me on Spotify!
Without further ado, here are some songs that I’m currently obsessing over:
- The feel-good song of the season: “Beautiful” by Betty Who (feat. Superfruit) There’s a funny story behind this song. I first heard the song, I was on my way to school a couple of weeks ago and me being the tweeter I am, I tweeted how beautiful the song was and tagged them in the post. 10 minutes later, my tweet had 300+ likes and about 72 RT’s. I thought I was hacked for a quick second until I realized Superfruit (which in case you didn’t know are Scott & Mitch from the a capella group, Pentatonix), retweeted my tweet!
Anyway, the song itself has a Jess Glyme vibe to it; it’s very uplifting beat with an inspiring message that expresses the fact that no matter what, you are always beautiful. It’s definitely something to make you dance after a long, stressful day. - “Chained to the Rhythm” by Katy Perry is a song that I didn’t expect to like at first because I wasn’t the biggest fan of hers in the recent years, but there’s something about this song that’s just SO GOOD. On Spotify, you get this little thing on popular songs that tell you little insights of how that song was produced, inspired, as well as gives you the lyrics while it’s playing. This particular song is a political song disguised as a catchy pop song, which is honestly what I live for. It’s like a song Lily Allen would make because of the controversial, political, and sarcastic lyrics. If you didn’t like Katy Perry before, you might actually like this song.
- “Undercover” by Kehlani has been my go-to song to listen to for the last two months. Don’t get me wrong, SweetSexySavage overall is a great album, but this song and the next one are the only songs I didn’t get sick of after 12,000 times of listening to it. Kehlani is one of those artists that can sing and rap, and this is one of the songs on the album that she mainly sings. Plus, the lyrics just describe me and how I feel: one way or another, ima love you.
- Speaking of that other song on SweetSexySavage I was talking about was “In My Feelings” by Kehlani. This was the first song off the album that I gravitated towards to because of just the beginning rap. It took about 15,000 times to master the first rap verse of the song because Kehlani is just the master of not-breathing-while-rapping-for-45-seconds-straight type of rapping. You will find me milly rocking to this song all the time.
- Last but certainly not least, “Lowlife” by That Poppy came onto my playlist in an interesting manner. Like everything else in life, YouTube was going crazy over this weird, young girl named Poppy, a girl with a YouTube channel who made weird videos that didn’t make sense and raised interest because of the odd behavior. People began to make conspiracy theories about her origin and the meaning behind the videos and her image. People began to link her through the Illuminati and began reversing her songs to see if any cult/satanic messages were in it (which in the line “And I get so lonely” backward sounds a lot like “Hail my Lord, Satan”). Besides all of that, she is signed to Island Records and has an EP called Bubblebath, which features Lowlife on it. It’s catchy and it’s the definition of bubblegum pop. Plus, I really enjoy the chorus and the feel of the song; it kinda goes along with the whole “reggae” vibe that popular songs have in Top 40 hits.
I’m looking forward to the new music that should be coming out in the summer because there’s nothing like a good summer song (think Drake’s “One Dance” in 2016 or Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy” in 2014). Lol, hope you guys enjoyed this little music update, and see you guys in the next one!
-Liz (:
Thirteen Reasons Why.
Yes. I hopped on the bandwagon and binge-watched all 13 episodes of the Netflix Original Series, Thirteen Reasons Why and I actually haven’t slept because I’ve been watching it all night. It honestly made me write this post minutes after I finished the series because the series as a whole is so fucking important to tell, especially in today’s society.
I guess here are my thirteen reasons why the series and storyline are super important and how honestly left me thinking about my own experience once being a 17-year-old teenage girl in high school.
I’ve read the book about three years ago during the winter break. I got the recommendation from an actress, actually, who I was following at the time. As many of you know, Thirteen Reasons Why is about a girl named Hannah Baker, a 17-year-old high school junior who commits suicide and leaves behind a set of cassette tapes, explaining the 13 reasons (and people) that caused her to take her own life. I warn you now, the last 5 episodes of the series is extremely graphic; showing scenes of rape, abuse, and a very graphic suicide scene. If you are triggered by these sensitive topics, then watch at your own risk, honestly.
Letters From Liz. 