Tag: random

Topic Tuesdays: Music

What I’m Currently Listening To! (Part 3!)

liz

A new month means new music that I’m currently obsessed with! Because I’m deciding to do this more frequently, I’m listening to new music more often and this post is gonna show a new side of music I actually enjoy listening to. Again, you can listen to these songs on my Spotify playlist if you’re interested in doing so! Anyway, without further ado, here is the third installation of my music favorites!

 

  • I went on a rave about this song Saturday night when I first saw the music video to Camila Cabello’s debut single, “Crying in the Club” off of her upcoming debut album, The Hurting. The Healing, The Loving. While I do enjoy the single, it lacks originality and it doesn’t feel like something she would’ve written herself. So, when I was watching the video of the song, the video starts off with another snippet of a song, “I Have Questions” by Camila Cabello. It was a song I instantly fell in love with because it speaks volumes. “I gave you all of me; my blood, my sweat, my heart, and my tears, Why don’t you care, why don’t you care? I was there, I was there when no one was; now you’re gone and I’m here.” Those lines and the emotion in her voice instantly broke me, and only a few songs in my lifetime had done that to me on the first listen. I honestly wish that she released this song as her first single instead of “Crying in the Club” because songs like “I Have Questions” hit people. It’s relatable in a way that CITC doesn’t. This song was released as a whole on May 21st, and I instantly had to put this song on my list for this month because it’s already a favorite of mine.
  • Another song from SweetSexySavage, “Distraction” by Kehlani. Initially, I wasn’t really crazy about this song because I felt like it was too slow for my liking. It wasn’t until I was hearing it at Obie’s house constantly on the radio that I started to dig it a lot more. I’m also really big on harmonies in songs, so she sold me as soon as she begins the song with “Do you, do you, do you, do you wanna be?” As I began to listen to the lyrics a lot more intently, I realized that the song was about vibing with someone that you really like, but they respect and knows that your passion and career comes first, so a relationship isn’t in the picture. I can honestly relate; I feel like because we are all so young and trying to put our marks into the world, relationships and all of that can wait – but it doesn’t mean that you can’t vibe and like someone and have mutual respect for one another. As long as you both know and respect each other’s feelings, there’s no problem wit leaving things where they are. I don’t think there’s another song out there that expresses that message, so I dig it.
  • So, it took me awhile to actually like Bruno Mars’ “That’s What I Like”.  Bruno Mars’ album just recently came out, and his single “24k Magic” was flooding the radio. After hearing this song and watching my friends dance along to it, I still wasn’t crazy about it. Fast forward about 6 months ago and Obie’s sister-in-law gushes over the fact that she’s been obsessed with Bruno Mars’ recent album, so she played it. This song played and I actually really liked it, and now it’s honestly one of my favorite songs at the moment. I constantly make Snapchat videos with this song playing in the background, I was sing along whenever it plays on the radio at Obie’s house, and it’s just a really obsess-worthy song.
  • Another song that was recently added to my playlist of favorites was Selena Gomez’s “Bad Liar”. I’m not the biggest Selena Gomez fan, but this song is a vibe. With the subtle bass sampled from Talking Heads’ “Psycho Killer”, she talk-sings her lyrics perfectly to fit the aesthetic of the song. I mean, the song is typically about a girl not being able to get a boy off her mind, which is a big cliche, but it’s not a bubble-gum pop-washed version that appeals to young girls experiencing puppy love in middle school. It’s a grown up version of that, the type of thoughts you get about a person that’s sexy, and lustful. Many of her fans who dig her dance-pop music will probably not like this side of Selena, but I feel like this side of her music fits her perfectly. If most of her upcoming music gives off this same vibe, I might actually become a Selena Gomez fan!
  • I’ve been unapologetically obsessed with this song because it’s a guilty pleasure. My guilty pleasures are songs that I wouldn’t normally gravitate towards to for either being too explicit and sexual or something I can’t bump into, so I was shocked when I instantly added Ty Dolla $ign’s “Zaddy” to my Spotify playlist. It’s a really sexual and explicit song, yet I found myself dancing and milly rocking to it whenever it played. I mean, from a personal standpoint, I absolutely hate when girls call their man Zaddy; I just don’t understand why or how , but I honestly understand, from this song, what makes girls replace their D’s from Z’s is completely reasonable! Anyway, yeah. This song is a guilty pleasure. Don’t read into it.
  • I feel like most of these songs have been obsessions of mine because of Obie, and I can honestly say yeah, they are. This song just became an obsession of mine because it reminds me of my childhood. For context: Obie teaches a dance group at a middle school, and he creates the music (or mix) that the group dances to. He’s done this for as long as I can remember, and I’ve listened to most of them since then. In this particular mix, he put in this song that sounded so familiar, and when I finally found the song, I nearly felt like I was 5-years-old again. This song was “Take Me There” from The Rugrats Movie Soundtrack. Moral of the story: it’s great to be a 90’s kid.

That’s it for what I’m currently listening to! I know that a lot of new music is going to be coming out this summer, and I’m very excited to hear it and most likely, you’ll see some on here in a month or so!

Happy listening!

-Liz (:

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: The Best Advice for the Planners in Life. (5/20/17)

liz

I am a planner.

I feel the most organized when I have things thoroughly planned out in detail for every day of the week. It’s why my dry-erase board calendar is usually full during the month, I currently have a TNTH Schedule for future posts, I just started bullet journaling, and I had two detailed outlines on index cards for my final research papers taped alongside my desk for the last month and a half.

Obsessive? Yeah, but in some odd way, it calms my worries about the short-term things that need to get done.

The long-term goals? Planning those things can actually create the worries you don’t want. I know for me, planning long-term goals are scary because things happen. Things change, interests change. For years, I dedicated my time to get myself more into the cinema scene; I took screenwriting classes to learn my craft and planned the next three years to study screenwriting and film in a graduate school specifically made for cinema. For once, I had long-term plans that I was working towards. But then life happened. I was rejected from the film school and I felt lost with my plans again.

Although I am in grad school getting my Master’s degree anyway, it still feels weird to not know what I want to do after I graduate. I start my second year in the Fall, yet I don’t have any plans after I finish. All of the people I encounter in grad school have plans of being teachers and such, but I know I was not meant for that type of job. I like English for the writing, not for the literature, and teaching English is dealing with the literature. If I can’t do cinema, I would want to do something solely dealing with writing.

The group of people I know and follow on social media tends to be people who are already in grad school, are graduating college in the next couple of weeks, or going into their last year of college in the Fall. One of the things we all have in common at these different levels in our education is that we all either have a distinct goal in mind after college, or we have absolutely no idea what we want to do. Until we all feel like we’re getting somewhere in life, those long-term plans for life are going to be at the back of our minds and make us worry.

And if you’re a planner like me, these worries turn into bad anxiety.

A couple of weeks ago, I was going through a major anxiety attack about everything in life. Literally, everything felt like it was crashing down. I spoke to my mother to talk the worries out and possibly get some advice to help me out. My mother and I have most of the same personality traits, and I needed to speak to someone before I considered talking to a professional. She asked me what were the things I was getting anxiety over, and as I was telling her, they all seemed to be about my long term plans.

As my mother was giving me advice, she told me to “live in the present.”

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Many of us forget that the most precious thing we have in the world is time. We are never granted another day or another year, and I learned that after my Uncle passed away unexpectedly earlier this year. We also tend to worry and stress out about the future so much that we never see the beautiful and wonderful things happening now. I remember my undergrad years as being a time where time just flew by. I was going by each day with the objective in mind of graduating on time that I never really enjoyed my college life. It wasn’t until my senior year of college where I actually started to enjoy my school life and just life in general. Although it’s great to try to have your life all figured out and focused in, it’s good to also enjoy the things around you. Enjoy your family, your friends, the weather, your interests, and hobbies. Also if you have a ton of work that you need to do in the present, get it done so that you can move on to the next thing you have to do. Sometimes, the constant work makes anyone feel robotic. The reality is that whether you like it or hate it, it needs to be done.

All in all, it seems like “living in the present” is a statement that appears to be obvious and cliche, but many of us just forget to do it because as a generation of people in our 20’s, we always tend to focus on the future. Take a step back every once and awhile to enjoy the little things in life.

-Liz (:

Topic Tuesdays: Random

First Year of Grad School: DONE!

liz

After 74 pages combined in four final research papers, 8 presentations, 8 novels, and a shitload of articles later, I finally completed my first year of grad school.

Here comes the wonderful summer break!

If you’d like to know how my first year went in depth, be sure you read my “What Grad School Taught Me” post; I feel like a lot of college students have this misconception about grad school and when they finally get into it, more students drop out of it more than they stay in – so I feel like that post could help people make the decision if grad school is for them or not.

Anyway, it’s just so surreal to be going into my second and final year of grad school in the Fall. My first year definitely came and went by so quickly, it still feels like something completely new for me. The experience I had this past year has been such a reality check for me, yet it’s been such an amazing journey thus far.

Going to grad school, especially at CSI, was never in my “5-Year Plan” when I had my life planned out when I was a sophomore in college. This time last year when I was getting ready to graduate with my bachelor’s, even then I couldn’t picture myself in grad school. A year later, I’m halfway through and the first year had unexpected encounters and moments I surprisingly didn’t think I’d get. For starters, I found myself a group of decent school friends who I’m going through the experience with. I’m not alone, and it’s good that this time around, I’m actually making friends with people within my department; I graduated last year not knowing anyone within my English department because I wasn’t so heavily involved in the program oddly enough. Now, I have a group of friends who plan to graduate with me on time in 2018, and I’m excited to be celebrating this accomplishment with actual school friends of mine.

Back to 2017 though: this semester alone has been one of the roughest semesters I’ve had solely because of insane professors, insecurity in my writing, and just overall anxiety from the courses. Even though it seemed like it sucked, this semester taught me a lot about being a writer and how to write, and my final paper for my literature class shows it.

Also, the end of the semester means that my friend, Tori, is going to be graduating in a couple of weeks. For the past year, she has been my ride to the bus stop after class, and yesterday was her last time doing so for me. I’m going to miss our car conversations about life, boyfriends, and school whenever we did link up, but I’m honestly so proud of her. She’s going to be an amazing English teacher; any student will be lucky to have her as one.

What to expect next year!

Next year (yet alone next semester) is going to be a rough one. This last year showed me just how hard it’s going to be handling two classes, so I can only imagine how tough it’s going to be when I have to take a Shakespeare class with possibly Shakespeare’s biggest fan as my professor, and an Independent Study with the professor who gave me a hard time this semester. It’s going to be hectic and I know my life is going to go down the drain once I go into this semester, but I know I am strong enough to go through these two tough courses and do what I gotta do.

In addition to that, I was granted the opportunity to do something insanely awesome next semester. So within my school, grad students in the English program have to write a 30-paged thesis paper prior to graduating. You pick a final paper you wrote in a class and expand on the ideas already in the paper; I’m currently working on a thesis discussing the disadvantages minority writers have in academia and the way they are the most oppressed group in writing classes. Because I plan on graduating on time next year, I will be focusing a lot more on my thesis and polish it up to submit to the graduate committee for grading. My writing professor at the time, Professor Carlo, is going to be the one consulting me with writing my MA Thesis. She’s possibly one of the coolest professors I’ve had at my school, so I knew that right away, she was going to be the professor I worked with.

Because I plan to do so, I received an email from her asking me if I was interested in being her Supplemental Instructor in a class she is teaching in the Fall semester: Autobiographical Writing. Now if you know me, this is straight up my damn alley. I live for writing about yourself and your own experiences; that’s what TNTH really is! But long story short, I’d be practically teaching her class, which is such a great honor and I hope I can proceed in doing so.

So yeah. An independent study + a really hard class + this SI Leader job = one stressed out Liz. But I know I’m able to do this.

But as of now, it’s time to wait for the final grades and then my summer vacation can finally begin!

What’s going on with TNTH now that school is over?

Because of grad school taking over my life this last couple of months, it’s been forever since I had time to myself to do the things that I’ve wanted to do for months, i.e actually put my everything into the blog. I have some amazing projects coming up (which I will be announcing soon on here), and some goals I want to hit during the summer.

Although usually, I’m over the summer after the Fourth of July, I’m excited to hang out more with my best friend, I’m excited to explore more places and take pictures, and I’m excited to officially start journaling again, specifically just summer journaling (I’ll be daily journaling again for the 2018 year).

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a great month, whether or not you’re officially on vacation or not, make the most out of this beautiful Spring weather! Stay tuned for a great summer for TNTH!

-Liz (:

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

Self-Appreciation Saturday. (5/13/17)

liz

It’s been a rough couple of weeks due to the stress and anxiety of the semester coming to an end and I’ve been trying my best to keep my mind happy. In an attempt to be okay and calm, I came up with a list of things to do when you’re feeling down or anxious about life:

  1. Try to wake up early. Sleeping too late makes you feel like you wasted a good day. Make sure to wake up in the morning and get things done!
  2. Go for a walk. Put on your walking shoes and take a nice walk around your neighborhood. You never know where your feet might take you and see what new things you discover.
  3. Seek change if necessary. Maybe there’s something you want to need to change in order to start anew. Cut your hair, revamp your wardrobe, pick up a new hobby!
  4. No drinking or smoking for awhile. I realized during my time of anxiety, I was beginning to enjoy handling it with drinking and the occasional smoking and after awhile, I realized this wasn’t something I wanted to keep doing. Saying no to any substances, whether in a safe environment or a party setting, helps you gain back some control you weren’t having.
  5. Keep a journal. Keeping track of the things you’re feeling or going through on a day-to-day basis helps you not keep those things bottled up for an extended period of time.
  6. Eat/drink healthier foods. Personally, I feel better whenever I’m eating something good for me like fruits and vegetables and definitely when I’m drinking smoothies during a warm day. Knowing that I’m putting good things into my body helps me think of positive things.
  7. Have a support system. Having people in your circle who genuinely care about your well-being makes the bad feelings go away because sometimes, all you need to do is have someone who matters listen to you. Sometimes in cases with anxiety, people who have it feel worried that when expressing their anxiety to other people feel as if they are annoying them. Just having one or two people sit down with you to talk about it will help you out.
  8. Never leave school work to the last minute. With two 15-page papers being in the process of being finalized and handed in, it’s not ideal to leave them for the last minute. Make time for yourself to finish all your work so that you can finally start your little break away from school.
  9. Laugh often. Laughter is truly the best medicine; don’t deprive yourself of it.
  10. Do what makes you happy. Read a book, draw, exercise, sing, write; whatever puts your spirit in a good place, do it.
  11. Stop waiting for life to happen. Make sure you are doing something every single day that it’s helping you move forward so that the “waiting” doesn’t feel like waiting at all.
  12. Be kind to yourself. Remember, you are not perfect, no matter how badly your mind wants you to be. You are only human, and humans are definitely not capable of perfection, so stop trying to explain to yourself why you feel a certain way or why you’re behaving out. Accept that you are going through a rough time, but never let it take over your life.

if they can do it, you can do it. remember that. focus, determination, passion. invincible.:

-Liz (:

Topic Tuesdays: Random

Pros of Journaling.

liz

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For the entirety of 2016, I decided that I was going to journal write every single day until the end of the year. For the most part, I kept up worth it and the 300+ page journal I kept is now completely full of memories, moments, and simply just thoughts I had at the time. By the time the year was ended, I realize just how much journaling the entire year helped me shape into the person that I always wanted to be.

People dismiss journaling because people classify it being something that “emotional” people do to cope with their emotions. Where, yes, it’s a place where you most likely write your emotions down whenever you’re feeling them, but journaling could be s helpful when things get a little too much to handle. Nowadays, people keep bullet journals to help organize their life and make sure it keeps them on track, so it’s not always about writing to your therapist named “Diary”. I kept a daily journal for an entire year for one reason and one reason only: to make me feel better.

I came into 2016 from having such a rocky and terrifying 2015. I felt like I was slowly losing who I was and I needed to change it ASAP. I decided that I was going to keep a daily journal that would document the year 2016. 2016 was an important year for me because for the main reason that in June, I was graduating college. Who would’ve thought that there was so much more that I actually documented that are now life-long memories? It’s crazy how life works that way.

I don’t know why I stopped after 2016 was over, but I did. I noticed that towards the end of the year, my entries sounded a lot more like Facebook status updates instead of things worth documenting, but even after that – journaling really helped improve my mental health tremendously. I know everyone isn’t a writer and may not feel it be necessary to write in a notebook without a reason, but doing so helps you “talk it out” with yourself with words.

Sometimes, all you need to do is to talk out your thoughts to put them out in the world. Journaling does that while also keeping them confidential, just in case there are just some things you don’t want someone knowing like a family problem or health problem. Personally, I was going through a lot of family problems before I started writing in a journal. Although journaling didn’t help the problems go away, it did make it easier to cope and deal with my feelings in a way that didn’t make me lash out in anger.

I also wanted to start journaling to physically see the change in myself once I finished the book in a year. Although I haven’t had the time to read 365 pages of entries, I know I saw the change in just a few of the posts that I wrote. I began to write about the happy things in my life, as well as look at myself through an unbiased lens. It’s weird because I felt like journaling made me into a “real person” again because the journal had memories and moments told in my perspective, which meant I had to trust myself enough to believe these things happened the way they did.

 

Journals of the past.

 

The fact of the matter is that I was always a journal writer. I’ve kept journals since I was 9 years old, the difference between those journals and the daily one I kept was that these other journals spoke about things that happened because of other people. “Oh, this girl told a nasty rumor about me and I was so close to beating her ass at lunch today.” “Oh my god, my crush finally kissed me in the rain!” They were about moments that involved me, yeah, but these became impersonal because they never truly showcased any growing I did over the years. I actually just recently threw away a lot of my old journals because of this very reason. Why did I want to keep journals that never represented my journey?

Besides my middle school journal, the only other journal I kept was my 2016 journal.

Sometimes, journaling just shows you the journey that you forget about being on once you’ve already been there.

Because it’s already too late into 2017 to start a daily journal for the year, I’m planning to strictly keep a summer one. Because 2018 is going to be another big year for me, I might just start another daily journal then, to document that year’s accomplishments and big events that I can’t wait to actually go through.

Pick up a pen and book and start writing. Trust me, it doesn’t hurt to try. 😉

-Liz (:

 

Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

Epilepsy through a 4th-Grader.

liz

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I was once a child with epilepsy, and it’s something a lot of people don’t know about me.

My epilepsy story is weird because it truly came out of nowhere with no explanation to this day. To be honest, because of it being a brain disorder, I don’t remember much about this time because this disorder had me feeling disorientated and forgetful most of the time. What I remember, though, is that it started around May 2003 and I was just about to finish the third grade. I don’t remember having seizures at this time, but my mother started to notice me doing this weird head moving, arms moving motion every once in awhile until it became more frequent. Every time she would ask me what was wrong, I told her I was fine because I truly thought that I was fine. The truth, though, is that I had no idea what I was doing. My mother took me to my doctor and recommended for me to see a neuro doctor. This was the start of my frequent visits to the hospital.

Continue reading “Epilepsy through a 4th-Grader.” →

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

No Self-Appreciation Saturday Post! (4/29/17)

liz

Hey, guys!

Sorry, but there isn’t a post today for Self-Appreciation Saturday! I’m in the final weeks of my semester and my crunch time game is serious at the moment, so I’m spending my entire weekend trying to get as much work done for my classes as possible!

Yes, there are other queued posts for May, in this particular case I didn’t have much time to write this week, so come by on Tuesday to see another TNTH post be published!

In the meantime, you can check back and read the previous Self-Appreciation Saturday posts by clicking the bolded link or the “Self-Appreciation Saturdays” tab on the TNTH homepage.

Thank you guys for following and supporting TNTH, see you on Tuesday!

-Liz (:

Topic Tuesdays: Advice

What Grad School Taught Me.

liz

I’m the first one within my immediate friends’ group and family to be attending grad school. Ultimately, I didn’t plan on going to grad school for my Master’s because I thought four years of college were enough to last me for a lifetime. I knew I wanted to expand my studies in Cinema because I wanted to become a scriptwriter for awhile, and I needed more studies in film and television if I wanted to pursue that as a career. I applied in Fall 2015 to attend a film school in Fall 2016. I got rejected due to limited spots within the program, and by that point, I felt extremely discouraged and told myself that grad school was officially out of the picture.

Until CSI granted me the opportunity to continue my studies in their MA program for English. I felt blessed to have this handed to me without having a backup plan after the film school rejected me, so I decided to stay at my college and study English (again) as a grad student.

I am currently wrapping up my first official year of grad school. I will be graduating this time next year.

Boy how time flies.

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If you were to ask “22-year-old college senior Liz” what grad school would be like, I would tell you that it was going to be tedious, but nothing that I can’t handle. I still remember my last famous words being “I did 5 classes for two semesters straight; how hard could two classes be?”

Dear “22-year-old college senior Liz”, you played yourself.

Prior to attending grad school, I planned to do a lot of things with the spare time I thought I was going to have. I wanted to be more involved with my school’s drama club, I wanted to write a lot more scripts and potentially make them into short films or scenes, and I definitely wanted to finally get a job. After realizing that I had a project already due the first day of grad school, I realized just how intense grad school was going to be.

Grad school is definitely a different type of commitment you make than regular college. Nowadays, it’s ideal to go to college after high-school; most careers and jobs require a Bachelor’s degree. Going to grad school and getting your Master’s isn’t as common, hence why it’s more a commitment. The reality of it all is that you don’t have to go to grad school; you could be perfectly fine with life with just your Bachelor’s degree. So when you decide to pursue grad school and it becomes too much to handle, the question of “do I really need to do this?” definitely comes up. I know it did for me.

Grad school, especially studying English, requires a lot of research. You’re writing 20-page final papers, you’re putting on presentations for 4 different projects, and your vacation days and breaks that you have are strictly for doing work.

Grad school has definitely taught me a lot about my work ethic and how to properly handle my time management. My undergrad years I did my work very last minute, especially in classes that I really didn’t like. I went through many semesters not reading any of the books for my literature course and still managed to pass all of them with A’s and such. Grad school… a completely different ball game. The readings are longer, dense, and require a lot more of your time in order to engage in class discussions and most of all, you’ve made it this far. People don’t understand that at when in a grad-level class, everyone made it just as far as you. People are a lot more intellectual, and the people who may appear like they don’t do much in class are the same people who are honestly just low-key geniuses.

The truth of it all is that you have to physically prepare yourself for grad school and even then you’re not fully ready. People assume that grad school is just going to be a little bit harder than undergrad (or even easier) when really, two classes feel like two full-time jobs. Grading is different, attendance is different, the work is different, and yes – even the stress is different.

In my bad habits turned to good ones’ post, I explain how I had to revamp my time management skills by pretty much using my calendar to write down even the days that I have to do work. Grad school work is nothing like undergrad; YOU CANNOT LEAVE IT FOR THE LAST MINUTE. It’s impossible, to say the least.

Last but certainly not least, you have to change your attitude towards school if you want to pass grad-level classes. Specifically, at my school, I have to keep at least a 3.0 GPA (in other words, a B) in order to graduate. My GPA right now is a 3.3, which honestly can change with just a simple bad grade in one course. The pressure that comes with exceeding in grad school literally wears you out, and if you don’t have tough skin to handle the ups and downs of grad school, then grad school isn’t the place for you.

It’s the honest truth.

Of course, grad school isn’t just this horrible place of negativity and anxiety. If anything, grad school has made me into a better writer and has been teaching me the reality of what it takes to be respected in academia. In the near future, I’ll be writing a post about the writing/rhetoric composition side of writing I learn in grad school that I never knew even existed; but that’s beside the point. As a grad student, you are granted this freedom that you don’t get as an undergrad. In grad school, you are allowed to have your own ideas and explore all these different things without having your professors tell you you’re off-topic or some shit (of course, some professors are just naturally one-sided). As a grad student, there is this certain respect you get from your peers that you don’t necessarily get from undergrad because the classes are just overly crowded on the undergrad level. You also get to connect with professors better when you’re on the grad-level (honestly, Professor Carlo has been such an inspiration for me while on this grad school journey, so thank you for making me a better writer).

All in all, grad school is a risk that you should take if you believe that you can do it. It’s okay if you know deep down inside you can’t handle it; it’s not for everyone. I didn’t know that it was essentially for me, and I’m still trying to cope with the new surroundings and identity being a grad student. Yes, at times I feel like the stress and anxiety do take over me, but personally, I feel like grad school has made me grow into myself and to perfect my craft as a writer.

So, if you’re thinking about grad school, I say go for it. There’s nothing wrong furthering your education. If you’re not thinking about grad school, don’t sweat it. Don’t do it because you have to, do it because you want to.

-Liz (:

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: My Social Anxiety Story. (4/22/17)

liz

Over the years, I’ve realized just how bad my shyness can be, especially at social events and gatherings. I always wondered why it scared me whenever I was invited to a party, and why I decided to never go. I’ve always enjoyed having a good time, so why did I never allow myself to by just saying yes to the invitations I get? I realized that as I got older, the anxiety got worse, and when I tried to take control of it one time, I realized that this wasn’t just a little episode of anxiety, but that I have some sort of social anxiety.

When I was younger, I was extremely outgoing. I had tons of friends in my neighborhood, school, and going to parties and to friend’s houses weren’t so nerve-wracking. I would classify myself as a leader when I was younger; I never followed anyone and I was always fearless to do the things that no one else wanted to do. I guess after I graduated middle school and moved on to a school in a neighborhood that none of my friends lived in, I became very timid and shy. Even though my high-school experience didn’t make me introverted since I had tons of friends in high-school, the fact that I felt like I couldn’t fit into most groups made me fall into the category of “quiet, smart people”.

The earliest memory I have of feeling anxious at a social gathering was when I was invited to a friend’s “Sweet 15” back in 2009. I went with a couple of my guy friends from middle school, and when I got to the party and they started to talk and dance with the other girls there, I was left at the table by myself. I left at midnight, crying because none of my friends were there hanging out with me, and I felt super awkward being there. After that whole thing happened, I declined Sweet 16 invitations and decided that my best bet was to stay home and be comfortable in my own setting.

When I graduated high school and started college, I realized that because the school was so big and filled with thousands of people, I knew it was impossible to be “popular”. It was also going to be impossible to make friends and actually keep them because most of these people lived in Staten Island, and me in Brooklyn. For four years, my only friend was Obie, my high-school best friend since 2009. I didn’t have a group of college friends until I was in my senior year of college when I decided to take acting classes for my drama minor requirements.

When I made this group of friends in acting, I was very anxious in interacting with them outside the classroom setting. The first time my friend, Tori, drove me home after class, I was definitely a different person than the one I was in that classroom. Tori was like my other half in that class, and everyone knew it. But something changed in me once we both left that classroom; I was nervous, I was quiet, I was wondrously looking around to keep myself from focusing in on the situation itself. I remember sharing this during a “human behavior” session in Acting the following class, and she admitted that she saw that happening to me. It was embarrassing, to say the least.

Because I was determined to keep this new group of friends, I wanted to put myself out there more. Not only did I have this new-found group of friends, but my best friend is Obie, aka “Mr. Social Butterfly”. No matter what day it is, he constantly has someone to hang out with because he’s just so sociable and outgoing. He’s been that way since as long as I’ve known him, and I realized that if I wanted to be a part of his friend circle and interact with everyone in it like a normal fucking human being, that I needed to fight this battle I have with social anxiety. For years, Obie has known my struggle with my social anxiety, and I appreciate that he doesn’t try to put me into situations where it could be overwhelming. At the time though, I felt left out in that part of his life. I wanted to be cordial and on a talking basis with his friends and family, I wanted to be invited to his gatherings or to the bar whenever he went with his friends; I just wanted to feel like I was able to fit in with him and his friend group. After the many failed attempts in trying to be sociable with the people who came over to his place while I was there, I told him I wanted to be formally invited to his 24th birthday party. He warned me, and after not listening to him, I realized I should’ve.

Over the years, Obie has cut down his “turn-ups” and parties a lot, but the only big bash he really throws his one for his birthday. His birthday is usually during the “unofficial start of the summer” weekend, aka Memorial Day weekend. Of course, he was throwing another party at his house, and I finally wanted to be a part of his birthday celebration. We went back and forth on whether or not it was going to be okay for me to go, yet I told him I needed to do this for myself. So, I went.

That Saturday night, I got to his place two hours before the party was supposed to start. (Red Flag #1: people who tend to show signs of anxiety usually make it their mission to be one of the first people at a social gathering so that they don’t walk into something that’s already crowded.) When I got there, I was one of 6 other people there, and these other six people were friends and family that I see whenever I’m at his place, so I felt comfortable. As more people came and the more crowded his apartment was getting, I was getting a little anxious. From the time I got there to the time I left at midnight, I stayed in one spot of the entirety of the night. (Red flag #2: people who tend to show signs of anxiety usually stay in one particular spot at social gatherings, making it hard for them to mingle and socialize with other people, and even feeling anxious to get up from their spot to use the bathroom because you’re afraid someone is going to look at you when you do get up.) The people who I was first there with were now all over the apartment talking to people, playing Uno (which I wanted to join in but was too scared to get up which is Red flag #3: people who show signs of anxiety don’t create opportunities to join into something, they wait until someone who is doing the activity ask them if they want to join, which in that case you say yes.) Of course, no one asked me to play, and I sat in my spot, just watching those around me, feeling awkward.

Every once and awhile, Obie came to ask me how I was doing, and when it became too transparent on my face to continue saying I was fine, I told him “I feel weird.” In his attempts to keep me company and to help me feel better, I knew he couldn’t cater to me all night; it was his birthday and his party and those who came to his party wanted to see him. He had to be the host that night, not my only friend at the party. After awhile, there was no room to get by and my anxiety began to skyrocket. By 11 o’clock, I was ready for my father to come and pick me up because I started to get really hot in the face and every person that came up to try to talk to me, I responded in jibberish. I was a mess, to put it kindly, and when my father finally texted me that he was downstairs of Obie’s building, I pulled Obie to the side and told him I was leaving.

In my attempt to remain calm and content, Obie saw right through me. He knew that something was wrong, and after trying to play it off all night, I finally told him that I was having a really bad anxiety attack. I saw him through blurry, panicky eyes. I was hot, I couldn’t breathe, and I don’t remember if I actually heard anyone or anything around me besides Obie. He handed me a glass of water and walked me downstairs. He hugged me bye and I cried all the way home.

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Most people will never understand the severity of social anxiety, and that’s just a straight up fact. Every now and then, anxiety can go away and be prevented, but it takes more than “just start talking to people” or “just be yourself, silly.” It’s when you feel stuck in your seat and no matter how badly you need to use the bathroom, you hold it in because you don’t want anyone to see you get up. It’s when you rather let someone else answer the question that a professor asks because you’re too afraid of answering and being told that it’s wrong. It’s the awkward jibberish that comes out of your mouth when trying to socialize with people and then feel embarrassed when you sound dumb because your mind is too nervous to function right. It’s when you unintentionally make yourself the oddball in a group of people but at the same time screaming in your head “please talk to me first!”

It’s all these things and more, and it’s something that people will write off as being rude or “not being friendly”. Some of my old friends don’t even talk to me anymore because they think that I don’t care about them anymore because I never reach out when really, being the first to text someone scares the shit out of me because I’m afraid of annoying them. The truth of the matter is is that’s the last thing I’m trying to do.

I usually keep my anxiety to myself because it’s definitely one of those things that people will easily write off as being weak because everyone has anxiety in one way or another. I also keep it to myself because no matter how bad I’m feeling, I always feel like my little episodes of anxiety bother people when I express them. The fact of the matter is that yeah, I tend to make the littlest things and think about them all damn day, not realizing that it wasn’t that big, to begin with.

I don’t know.

I guess I’m just trying to be okay with myself and sometimes, it’s just not enough.

 -Liz. (:
Self-Appreciation Saturdays

Self-Appreciation Saturday. (4/15/17)

liz

I hope everyone who is currently on Spring Break is having a lovely week off from school or work or whatever you are on vacation for; I definitely needed this time off to get all the week that I needed to get done GET DONE before the semester ends in a month. Again, this is what my Spring Break has been like for the last two years: just working on school stuff at home.

But now that we all had our week off and we all return to reality on Tuesday, it could be hard to transition from “lazy, unproductive self” to “did I forget to breathe during my long day of work?” self. We all got a taste of relaxation and days of sleeping in, and now we all have the Spring Break blues. 

So, how do you get rid of them before the break is actually over?

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