Letters From Liz.

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Saturday, July 28th – The Arrival, The Reunion, & The Toast:

I can’t lie and say that I wasn’t nervous to see my family. The last time we all got together was for New Year’s Eve, and the cold, freezing weather had all of us feeling on edge and irritated. That was exactly 7 months ago. We’d normally never wait this long to see each other, but for reason, none of us really spoke to one another the first half of the year. It wasn’t until my grandfather got sick in late-June. On June 24th, we found out he has cancer. On July 24th, he passed away. The day after he passed away, my family finally planned a trip to Pennsylvania to visit my grandmother for support and company during this difficult time in her life. I can’t lie and say that I wasn’t upset at my family for not making sure we all saw each other more often. I was very upset that it took a death of my grandfather to drop everything and come together. Nowadays, it feels like it takes a death to be reunited with family.

We left for Pennsylvania early in the morning; the drive to my grandmother’s house is almost, almost, a 3-hour drive; that’s if we decide to stop for a bathroom break which is always a yes. Throughout the car ride, I couldn’t help but think how this weekend was going to play out. On a normal occasion, we would be greeted by both of my grandparents and their dog, Foxy. We would eat lunch as soon as we walk in. To know that wasn’t the case this time around was weird; I didn’t expect for it to be what it was really going to be.

We pulled up to my grandmother’s property; you could hear Foxy’s little dog bark through the porch windows. We didn’t see my grandmother until we actually all got out and started to take our bags from the car trunk. My sister was the first to hug my grandmother. My grandmother immediately started crying and hugged my sister as tight as possible. I teared up watching them. I hugged her and I felt how heartbroken she was. I didn’t expect my grandmother to look the way she did; she’s normally strong and happy to see her grandkids. That same energy wasn’t there this time, and that’s when I knew I haven’t grieved my grandfather enough. I had more to think about as I was up there.

On a lighter note, I saw my first bear! He came around to eat some fallen apples from my grandmother’s apple tree in the back of her property. It only took 16 years since I’ve been going there to see a bear!

Later on in the day, my aunt and uncle wanted to take my grandmother out to eat for her birthday which was earlier that week. That’s another thing: my grandmother turned 73 last Thursday; two days after my grandfather passed away. For as many birthdays has my grandmother has left, she is left reminded that the man she loved for the last 19 years passed away just days before. I understood my grandmother’s wish of not wanting us to celebrate her birthday that weekend. We didn’t, but we did take her out to eat at a nice little restaurant in Milford, Pennsylvania. The food was delicious, the atmosphere was friendly, and it felt nice to be around family after so long. When our drinks came out, my uncle picked his glass up and simply said, “let’s toast.” We all picked up our glasses, and he said, “For Ray.”

That night, I felt a tidal wave of emotions hit me. Everyone was in their rooms already taking some time for themselves, and I called my partner to try to calm myself down. I hated seeing my grandmother so upset and so stressed out. I hated seeing my aunt and my mother worry about her. We all were, and after hearing some personal things throughout the day, everything was tieing itself in my throat. I had to take the advice of my therapist and not be afraid to grieve. Cry it out. The one who’s passed wants to be remembered. I thought I had grieved already, but it was different actually being up in Pennsylvania, in his house. Seeing all the pictures of him and my grandmother smiling and happy. It’s heartbreaking. It’s such a different stage of grieving that I never got to feel with a loved one.

Sunday, July 29th – The Deer Who Stared, The Silent Dinner, & “Yazy”:

Sunday was an absolutely beautiful day weather-wise. It wasn’t too hot and it wasn’t humid; something me as a New Yorker haven’t experienced since… May? Anyway, I spent most of my day on Sunday outside either playing “Yazy”; a bootleg version of the game “Yahtzee”, or that triangle thing with the holes and the pegs… this thing. Anyway, I pretty much stayed on the porch for most of the day; I watched my sister give both my mother and my grandmother haircuts that afternoon. The boys in the family went mini-golfing for the afternoon, so the ladies (and Foxy) stayed in the house to relax. I was content and at peace for once in a really long time; maybe that was just the vacation speaking in me, but for once, I didn’t want to go back to NYC the following morning. Every time I’m in Pennsylvania, I’m a lot more calm and peaceful than I usually am in the city. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m escaping my reality when I’m up there. Maybe it’s just the beautiful scenery I don’t get to see often. To this day, I don’t know what actually calms me down up there.

While I was outside during the day, my sister had started to give my grandmother a well-needed haircut. Because we were waiting for the bear to come back out again since we first saw him yesterday, we were all looking out into the field on my grandmother’s property. Some deer came and went with her babies getting apples, but then one came immensely close to the deck where we were sitting and started staring at my grandmother. She had asked both my sister and me who the deer was staring at, and it was clear as day that it was staring at her. The deer didn’t look away until a minute or two passed. My family and I believe that when a loved one passes away, they come back to visit in some shape or form. We all had a thought that possibly maybe that deer was our grandfather, looking and checking on our grandmother and see how she is doing. Now there are some things I don’t believe in, but coincidences such as that are scary. My mother has made it known that whenever a pigeon would land on our windowsill and just stay there, she believed it was her father who came to check up on her. I don’t know what would my uncle come back as, but there have been times where I felt some sort of presence in my house. It’s really weird and freaky, but it’s calming to know that loved ones who pass can still check up on you and see how you are doing.

Since we are an Italian family, it wouldn’t be right if we didn’t have pasta as our family Sunday dinner dish. My aunt made her infamous meatballs and spaghetti sauce (in which she cooks almost all day like a real Italian) and by the time dinner was ready, I was starving. We all ate in the dining room as usual, but instead of there being 9 seats, there were only 8. Dinner was silent; it’s something we never experienced during a family lunch or dinner. Whether we are in New Jersey at my aunt’s house or we’re in Pennsylvania at our grandparent’s house, our family dinners were always talkative and funny. That reason, I soon realized, was because my grandfather was the one who would start off the conversation and who would crack all the jokes. Maybe it wasn’t the occasion to do that this time (we didn’t celebrate anything that had passed recently; no junior high school graduation celebration for my youngest cousin, no grad school graduation celebration for me, and no 16th birthday celebration for my oldest cousin). Dinner was delicious, but the atmosphere felt heavy, and I knew I wasn’t the only one who felt it. Quickly after dinner, my grandmother went outside to grieve on her own, and again it was hard for me to see her like that. Knowing after tonight she would be eating dinner on her own the following day after we left was extremely heartbreaking.

Monday, July 30th – The Departure & The Future:

The weekend trip to Pennsylvania was now coming to an end and it was now time to gather our stuff to head back to the city. It was a gloomy and chilly Monday morning; it felt like the type of weather you feel in the beginning of April or something. We packed all of our things, my sister and I played with Foxy for a bit, we had breakfast and by the time it was 8 o’clock, we said our goodbyes. The goodbye to my grandmother was extremely hard this time around; in the recent years, they’ve gotten harder. I knew that my grandparents were getting older and every time we got to see them was a blessing; I just wish we all knew that the last time we got to see my grandfather in person and in good health that we knew it was going to be our last. My grandparents never got to see any of us as often as they liked only because of busy schedules and the distance from the city to the countryside of Pennsylvania. Winters were extremely hard to get together because they would get an immense amount of snow that made it hard for them to come down to the city to see us. Anyway, this goodbye was hard because my grandmother was sad to be alone again. She has people visiting her every other day nowadays since my grandfather’s death, but there’s nothing like having your own kids be by your side while you’re grieving such a loss. Although it was heard to say goodbye, we made sure it wouldn’t be the last one for a really long time.

In two weeks, my grandfather’s side of the family is putting together a memorial for him in New Jersey. To pay our respects my family is attending this service, so it felt good to know that the next time we were going to see our family wasn’t just up in the air like it usually is. Although they are putting on a memorial, my grandfather didn’t want to have a funeral. My grandfather was a very honest man, he wasn’t afraid to say what was on his mind despite what other people might take it. He believed funerals were all a sham; people would rather come and visit you while you’re dead than alive, and that’s the honest truth about life. He and my grandmother decided they wanted to be cremated, so my grandfather got cremated earlier this week. He told my grandmother that he wanted some of his ashes spread around the treehouse he built over a decade ago, and for her to keep the rest of them.

Life isn’t going to be easy for my family these next couple of months, and we don’t know how the future is going to turn out for us, but we knew that the memories we have of my grandfather will be a lot easier to laugh at than cry. We know that we will be able to make new memories and redefine some new traditions in light of this tragedy. In a sense, my grandfather brought my family and me closer, and that’s honestly all he ever wanted.

Rest in Peace, Grandpa.

-Liz. (:

Blogust 2018: The Series

Day 2: It’s About Time We Break Up with Social Media.

August 2, 2018July 22, 2018 liz

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Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

Remember the good ole days when you either had to call your friends on the house phone to have a conversation or wait to get on the computer to go on AIM and talk to your friends like that? Remember when MySpace was really the only popular social media platform people were on, and even then they weren’t on it every minute of their lives? Honestly, I miss those days. I miss the days where people were sorta on the internet on their spare time, yet knew when to sign off and engage with the world. Cellphones weren’t as advanced as they are now, and sending text messages cost you if you didn’t have a contract. Nowadays, people are glued to their phones, the million different social media apps, and are hooked to the point where there is an actual disorder in the DSM-5 to categorize those who literally can’t live without their phones.

Like, when did we become like this, and is this the way we want to live our lives?

Social media is a disease, and I didn’t realize it was until just recently. I can’t lie, I loved my social media accounts; I was creative when taking selfies, I was carefree and comedic on my Snapchat, I was able to write how I felt on Twitter, and I was able to share my TNTH posts on Facebook! Social media isn’t a bad idea, and quite frankly it’s not social media’s fault; it’s ours. We abuse the fuck out of social media. We abuse it, these platforms try to compete with one another to stay on top of the game, and we’re left with four different platforms that started off to be different things now all being able to live-stream whenever the fuck we want.

Still not convinced to break up with your social media? Here are five reasons why you should:

You’re losing time in your life that you aren’t going to get back. Instead of sitting there on your phone while you’re at a party, family gathering, or a concert, enjoy those moments while you can. The concert will end in 4 hours, the family gathering will come to an end at the end of the day, and the party ends once the weekend ends. If you want to take a couple of pictures to cherish the moment, then do just that, but make sure you spend time with those around you in the present. All that editing and Facetune for the gram can wait when you’re back home, in bed, in your pajamas.
While social media is all about being “social”, it actually takes away the social ability you have in your life, especially those who are introverted. If you’re one of those people who think being an introvert is cool and trendy, then, by all means, stay in your little bubble and talk to your friends who you haven’t seen in months via iMessage. As we get older, it is already hard to keep in touch with friends and see them because life gets in the way, but by strictly only talking to them online is limiting the friendship you have with that person. Eventually, the constant Facebook conversations stop, the Instagram likes and comments stop, and your friend is just another follower passively checking up on you through your posts.
Social media just isn’t what it used to be. Social media was created to keep in touch with people in your life that you lost contact with over the years, but social media now is just a competition of who looks better and who has the bigger following. No matter how much you want to say certain celebrities became successful for their hard work, many of these people became famous because they either look good on Instagram or sold their souls to the advertisement devils. I mean, how many of your favorite celebs are posting pictures on Instagram that are sponsored? Telling you to buy this and buy that because it’s amazing and awesome? Social media is a business now, and that’s not what it should’ve turned into.
Referring to my previous point, social media is like a funhouse mirror; it depicts this absurd image of people when in reality, people’s lives are not always like that. No, Susan isn’t always wearing expensive heels and dresses when she goes out, No, Jeremy doesn’t live in the gym and drink protein shakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and No, Liz doesn’t always smile and skip down the streets being the happiest girl in the world without no problems whatsoever. At the end of the day, people are going to show you what they want to show you, and that image is always going to seem perfect. People on social media are simply simulacrums, which I highly request you look up to understand where I’m getting at. Social media is just this unofficial competition that you didn’t sign up for.
Lastly, your life isn’t yours when you decide to showcase it on social media. Once you share something, people who don’t give two shits about you know where you are in life. People who wouldn’t bat an eye for you now know where you’ve been and how you’re doing. It’s already bad enough many of these social media platforms are caring less and less about your privacy these days; anyone can find you and access your information in the blink of an eye. That alone should be very concerning to you. Your life and your privacy should be yours. Once you let go of that constant status updating phase in your life, you’ll start to feel more in tune with yourself. You’ll start to realize all of the work that has yet to be done. You’ll see just how more aware you are of yourself. Honestly, your social media persona doesn’t compare to the real deal.

Of course, I’m not saying to completely ditch your platforms if you can’t. I understand if your social media platforms help you reach out to your audience on your creative projects. Just know when to turn it off for some quality time with yourself and those around you.

Enjoy life away from the screen for awhile.

*Post-note: I’ve written other posts like this in the past, so if you need more validation on why you should break up with social media, here are some.

-Liz. (:

Blogust 2018: The Series

Day 1: Reintroduction.

August 1, 2018July 31, 2018 liz

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Hey, guys welcome back to TNTH!

Today is the first day of the month-long series, Blogust. For those who are reading this all confused and wondering what on Earth is a “Blogust”, it’s when I blog every single day for the month of August, hence why it’s called Blogust.

I want to start off with a reintroduction of myself because the last one was when the blog first started out, and a lot has changed since then. Plus, this allows me to start off anew and embrace parts of myself that I’ve been trying to change for the longest of time because let’s face it, we are not all perfect beings, but we wish we were.

Anyway, without further ado… Hi! I’m Liz!

While other people my age are yearning to leave NYC to live somewhere else, I cannot see myself being anywhere else besides NYC. A lot of people who are not native New Yorkers find themselves falling for a fantasy image of it; bright lights, Broadway shows, Christmas at Rockafeller Center, and everything else that portrays this perfect image of the city. More people out of state are moving here, and still expect it to be this perfect place when really, it isn’t. It’s dirty most of the time, it’s smelly in the summertime, there are homeless people traveling with you on subway carts, and native New Yorkers live their lives in a rush. I don’t like NYC for the fantasy image it portrays: I never went to see the Christmas Tree in Rockafeller Center, I never went to Times Square to see the ball drop on New Year’s Eve, I never went to see the Thanksgiving Day parade in person, and I’ve been to only 4 Broadway shows in the 24 years I’ve been living. I love NYC because it’s my home. I love NYC for what it is behind closed doors, and being a New Yorker defines me as a person. Me getting up to move somewhere else is me having to find myself all over again.

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As much as I like to write my whole life on here, it’s extremely hard for me to open up to people I am not comfortable with. I always thought I was an open book and to a certain extent, I am. I am first to shout to the world that I am this and I am that, but admitting it to people face-to-face is what I lack in. I don’t know if that’s me protecting myself from the judgment of other people, but even to the people who never did judge me are out of the loop sometimes. In a way, I feel as if I’m protecting myself from myself, if that makes any sense. I feel like if I don’t say nothing and pretend I’m okay, I could trick myself into being okay. Yeah, it’s extremely unhealthy, but I’ve accepted I could only work on that aspect, and not change it. It’s a personality trait I think I have to spend time with in order to change it, but I’ve been like that for years and I don’t think it will ever change. I can always improve it, y’know?

I’ve become extremely self-aware, and I’m proud that I did, despite popular belief. I’ve always known the type of person I was, and I always had a good grasp of the things that made me, me. But I used to ignore the bad things; pretended that they didn’t exist or I was able to fix them. The truth of the matter is that once I decided to acknowledge these negative things, I got a better picture of the things that I wanted versus the things that I needed. Because of that, I’ve been on this road of self-recovery that I felt like was the right time in my life. Any sooner would’ve left me back at square one. Any later would’ve left me depressed.

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I like to believe that my zodiac sign is the reason why my work ethic is the way it is. While I was in college and grad school, I was extremely hard-working, especially in the classes that I liked the most, obviously. As stressful it was, I liked the challenge it brought me and I like the doors that opened for me while in my studies. I was never the straight-A student that got honors on everything, but I was good enough to my own standards. I was proud of the work that I put into any project and/or final paper, and I always strived to be one of the best, if not the best. And I think that goes back to my competitive Capricorn trait, in all honesty. I always wanted to be the best, or on the top – whether it was in academics, singing, dancing, acting – whether it was. If I knew I was good at something, I wanted to be the best at it, and it’s honestly a blessing and a curse. I know I can’t always be on the top, but it also pushes me to do better. I like that about myself and I very much do blame my Capricorness for my very strong work ethic.

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I have Social Anxiety Disorder, and I’ve suspected it for a very long time. As a kid, I was very outgoing, and I was able to make some good friends in primary school and in middle school, and I wasn’t afraid to speak up or tell someone the truth despite if it hurt their feelings or not. Once I got older, things changed: friendships were harder to keep, I became very private about my feelings to try to save myself from judgment or embarrassment. By the time I hit my 20’s, I didn’t have a solid group of friends, and I liked being alone for most of my days. Once I started grad school, I started to think about everything else coming my way, my anxiety worsened, and here I am today trying to get through it. It hasn’t been an easy couple of months since coming to terms with it, and it’s something I’m trying to manage while still living my life as a 24-year-old young adult trying to find my purpose in life. It’s something I have and yeah, it doesn’t define me – but it’s something I live with every day and it’s something I have to embrace in order to cope. So, here I am.

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I’m not what you all a “beauty guru” or a “fashionista” and half of that has to do with the fact that I wasn’t raised having a lot of money in my family. In certain cases, some of my clothes were hand-me-downs from my sister, or they were clothes that were simple, comfortable, and cheap. I used to shop at my local Rainbow Shop for all of my clothes, I was a kid who rocked Payless sneakers and sandals all day long; I was never the type to want something that was name brand. Although, I was very big on electronic things. I wanted to try every Nintendo device and game that came out, I wanted the newest iPod everyone had, and of course, I wanted to see what life was like having an iPhone, which didn’t happen until I was 21. Either or, I was still never wanting to wear fancy clothes or shoes or wear high-end makeup because that simply just wasn’t me. To this day, you’ll find me in some target shorts, a t-shirt, and no makeup. Not knocking anyone who lives life the opposite, I’m just saying I was just… absent with fashion and beauty stuff.

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On a regular day, you will find me watching YouTube videos of people playing games and making funny commentary on it like a 13-year-old boy who still thinks the word “penis” and “vagina” are hilarious. Particularly, I like watching the Game Grumps, which is two guys (Arin Hanson and Dan Avidan) playing games while providing a podcast-like commentary on either the game or other funny things in general. On some days, you will find me watching hauls of squishies from Grav3yardgirl’s secret second channel, unboxing of products from DOPE or NOPE, a channel of three guys who have amazing chemistry together on set, vlogs from people who work in a YouTube Network called Hi5 Studios, and the weekly Jenna Marbles video of her doing something crazy funny with either her dogs, her boyfriend, or just by herself. YouTube (although with my personal opinions about it as a business) has played an important role as “relaxer” in my life during long hours of school work, anxiety-ridden days, and times when I just needed a good laugh. I’ll watch the occasional beauty/makeup video from a recommended channel, but I honestly find the most joy in the things that fascinate me, and that makes me laugh.

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I still very much believe in energy rather than religion. Although I do have some faith within religion, I never had that connection with “God”, or any higher power before. Yes, I’ve known people in my life who have that connection and live their lives according to that belief, but I simply was never able to feel that sort of connection and I guess that’s what brought me into believing in energy. Energy, for me, is simply what you put out there. If you’re a negative or pessimistic person, that’s the energy you’re getting back from the universe. Personally, I try to be respectful and positive in every situation that comes forward in my life. Do I always get it in return? Of course not, but your overall energy and aura will attract the same type of vibe you’re giving out. Maybe I’m just going all Confucius on y’all, but my high-school Global History teacher, Mr. Quinlan, taught us “What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others”, and I felt that. To this day, I try to live my life according to that; your mentality is your reality, put out what you want back.

And I think I’ll end it on that note! I hope you guys enjoyed this reintroduction, and I’ll see you for the rest of Blogust! 😀

-Liz. (:

Self-Reflection

The Important Message in Grav3yardgirl’s “We Need to Talk” Video.

July 23, 2018 liz

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

I know the blog was scheduled to come back in August for a month long blog series that I’ve been prepping behind the scenes, but I felt the need to come on here and write after watching Bunny, or Grav3yardgirl’s, new video she posted today entitled, “We Need to Talk”.

For the past year, I’ve been following Bunny’s YouTube channel and I was extremely upset I didn’t come across it sooner. Bunny is very different from other YouTubers of her status; she’s extremely down-to-earth, relatable, funny, and a joy to watch because she was authentic. As I started to follow her, I began to realize that in the recent months, she hasn’t been completely herself, and I’m assuming her subscribers realized that as well, and soon after, Bunny began to lose subscribers.

In May, another famous YouTuber, Shane Dawson, went to Bunny’s hometown to help her out on her YouTube channel and figure out different ways she could improve and express more of herself on camera. She expressed during this mini-series between her and Shane that her mental health has been taking a toll on her for the last year, and she finds herself grasping onto this image of 2014 being the best year of her life.

It’s been about two months since that series, and Bunny posted this recent video about her thoughts and where she’s mentally been in the last two months. While we want to see this video as her being happy and taking care of herself and finding new and interesting ways to engage with her audience, we soon realized that she’s still very much battling with herself in her head. She’s tried too hard to make herself happy again, and she feels like it hasn’t changed how she’s felt for the last year.

That’s possibly the most honest thing I’ve watched in a really long time, and I commend Bunny for being openly honest with her audience.

Bunny isn’t saying anything about her views or number of subscribers and how up and down they’ve been this last year. As a matter of fact, she’s explaining the anxiety of upkeep of her YouTube channel and how she loves what she does because it saved her life the first time she was in a dark place. She is simply saying she is trying to figure out how to get out of it this time around, and how difficult it’s been when millions of people are watching your every move.

Now, I’m no famous YouTuber, but I very much relate to Bunny and her struggles of balancing happiness, passion, and your mental health all in one hand. I know how it feels to be passionate about something and still feel like it’s not good enough, I know how it feels to keep referring back to a time in life where you’re your happiest, and you try extremely hard to replicate that time again in real time, and I know how it feels when your mental health feels like it is out of your hands and you have no control over yourself. That’s currently my life as I write this, and it’s a reality that I believe a lot of us go through time and time, especially those who are going through a rough time in their lives.

I wish my life was 2016 again. I wish I was excited about something the way I was whenever I had acting class. I wish I felt the passion the way that I did while writing my portfolio for grad school. I wish I was strong and confident the way I was when I had a decent group of friends in college. There’s a lot that happened in 2016 that I wish I can get back, and I know it’s not possible because life happens and things change and that realization is sometimes hard to overcome.

Bunny’s message in her video is simply she is trying to force happiness on herself because she is tired of feeling the way she does. She mentions the little things people oversee are the things that make her proud and that make her feel like herself, but her audience is so fixated on this new “Grav3yardgirl 2.0” that she believes she has to live up to them and honestly, she’s saying she’s not ready.

And that’s the thing about recovery and mental health: things can’t change unless you’re personally ready to.

Happiness and good mental health do not happen overnight, and we have to stop believing that one good day solves everything in our lives. Things like that take time; there will be days where we feel like we haven’t made any progress. There will be days where we feel even sadder than we did before, but that doesn’t mean all the progress we made isn’t worth it.

I try to at least put real clothes on instead of staying in my pajamas on the day that I need to feel a bit productive. I try to write in my journals and so some TNTH writing to feel like I’m moving forward with my creative projects. I try to be aware of my behavior and the thoughts I have because if I just let them swim in my head all day, I’ll feel stuck and I will shut down. I try each and every day to get myself better, to feel like I’m in my element again, to be the person I know I’m meant to be, and the progress I made, whether big or small, is another step forward into bettering myself.

In Bunny’s position, sometimes you just have to do what you love and do it because you love it. Make those unboxing videos and makeup videos because they make you feel good. Make those tea vlogs in your car and talk about everything and anything because you feel better after venting. Everyone else is second to that.

As my friend, Tori, always says: you can’t fill someone else’s cup when yours is empty.

-Liz. (:

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Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: July 2018 Edition.

July 9, 2018 liz

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

I wasn’t on planning to come back on here anytime soon due to a lot of things that are currently happening in my life. It’s been a lot for me to handle but I realize that TNTH is just more than a platform of “views” and “followers”. It’s my place where I can write, and I’ve missed it. Plus, it’s only right to come back with this month’s installment of:

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I started this series in July 2017; exactly a year ago. It started off being a post about how I described myself as being a “voiceless person”, meaning, I don’t speak out or speak up enough. At the time of the first installment, I never thought twice about continuing this series and to make it into something like this. Yeah, TNTH is just my blog, but the “Voiceless Rant” series is about me and about me being a writer.

Sometimes I forget that I’m a writer and I write to help others.

This series has evolved into a monthly post where I come in talking about something that I’m currently going through and write about it in hopes of reaching out to someone who is too. Maybe there is a reader who doesn’t know where to turn to discuss their mental health. Maybe there is a reader who’s been traumatized by their family to the point of no return. Maybe there is a reader with insecurities, doubts, and judgment holding onto them by a leash. There are so many different people out in the world that you don’t know (and I don’t know) that is looking at you and seeing inspiration and motivation. You never know who is watching your content, reading your content, or viewing your content while holding back tears of sadness, waiting to end their life.

This post sounds like it’s not going anywhere, but hear me out. I was suicidal around the time I got into the TV show, The Killing. As dark and moody that show was, I will forever say that The Killing and its online community saved my life. I was suicidal all throughout my last year of high-school. Kelly Clarkson’s My December was all that I listened to because I related to every single song on that album. It is still considered one of my favorite albums of all time, and it will always hold a special place in my heart because that album saved my life. My point being is that creators and artists don’t know these things about their fans. Veena Sud does not know her television show saved my life one night when I was up at 5 in the morning wanting to not exist anymore. Kelly Clarkson does not know that an album that almost got completely scrapped because of it not being the “image” her record label wanted her to have saved my life when I was at my loneliest in life. Creators don’t know these things, but it doesn’t mean that they don’t have the potential power and influence to save someone’s life. I see it all the time in the comments of my favorite YouTubers; that their content makes them smile and happy in the gist of sadness and depression.

Let’s be real here: I’m no famous influencer with 100,000 followers, let alone 100. I am only one person. I have an immensely small community here on TNTH that is just as enough for me because, again, I don’t know who is reading certain posts in their time of need. Maybe I am, and maybe I’m not, and the majority of these posts are types of posts I wish I was reading in my time of need years ago. Shoot, I’m writing them now because I need them just as much as the next person. My point being is that I always knew that I was supposed to write to help others find their voices. I started to write to begin to speak in a language where people would listen to me. I write to express myself, heal myself, and speak up for myself with hopes of showing other people that they can do the same thing too.

If you’re a creator of any sorts who feel like they could just stop doing what they love doing, your mind and heart were never into it. Creating content, no matter how big or small takes time, dedication, passion, and devotion. Creating was never about making it big and gaining such a huge following (because the same people who wanted that for themselves are the same people who yearn for their lives back). Make your content because you want to make it. Make your content because you’re passionate about it. Make your content because you feel like you have more to show and tell. Make your content because you want to provide something for viewers in their time of need. Keep doing it.

And this is something that I truly need to start telling myself too. I leave TNTH unattended for weeks, even months on end because of my own personal reasons. I leave because I have to personally work on something. I have to personally get better. There’s nothing wrong with taking breaks here and there, but it doesn’t mean you just give up when things get too hard. There’s no reset button on passion. You either have it, or you don’t.

Your move.

-Liz. (:

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Your Life Has Just Begun. (6/30/18)

June 30, 2018June 19, 2018 liz

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

Before we get into this post, can you believe we are halfway through the year already? I mean technically, July 2nd is the 182nd day out of 365, which is literally half of the year, but you know what I’m getting at. How many of us can say they felt like they did live six months of 2018 already and felt like it’s been six months? I don’t know about you, but it feels like it was just yesterday that I was in Pennsylvania with my family ringing in the new year. It feels like it was just yesterday that my partner and I spent a weekend in Upstate New York for my 24th Birthday. It feels like it was just yesterday I was starting my last semester as a student, beginning to rewrite my entire thesis, and juggle reading poems and books for my two courses. It doesn’t feel like it’s already been 6 months of 2018.

And that’s been a reality for me ever since I turned 18 in 2012; the years have been passing by like it’s been nobody’s business, and when you take time to actually think about it, you sit there in awe and wonder how did you manage to make it this far into life? I honestly thought I wouldn’t make it to see past 18, yet here I am, a 24-year-old woman with two degrees and a whole life ahead of me.

But with time going by so fast, sometimes we take it for granted. Sometimes, we don’t see the consequences of having time move so fast.

We don’t realize that since we’re getting older, the people around us are too. Our friends who used to share their building blocks in Kindergarten are now proud parents of a Kindergartener. Our siblings who we once shared a room with are now living in their own apartments and houses. The parents who were lively and energetic are now older and prefer to relax on their days off. The family members who you use to see every other week are now only available for two holidays a year. And the grandparents aren’t grandparents anymore.

I’m writing this with a lot in my heart, especially since today would be my childhood dog’s birthday. His birthday, in particular, reminds me of all the beings in my life who passed away thus far. In the last four years, I lost two family members and a childhood pet and the process still isn’t completely over. I think back to when they were here and I remember how young I was. I still remember the day my family and I got Pal at the Animal Rescue in Manhattan 17 years ago. When you realize just how much time has passed, you wonder what will happen in the future. Most of the time, it is extremely hard for me to even think what life would be like for me in 10 years. It’s extremely hard for me to even think about what life would be like in 2020.

I apologize for this “Self-Appreciation Saturday” being such a downer, but I know there are people my age, younger and older than me, who feel this way. They may not go into such detail as I do, but adjusting to a life you’re not familiar with after being comfortable all these years is terrifying and difficult.

But, it isn’t impossible.

I guess what I’m trying to say in this post (and here’s where the “self-appreciation” in “Self-Appreciation Saturday” comes in), is that for many of us, our lives have just begun. Whether or not you’re still at home, a career or job or degree, or whether or not you’re about to start a new family with kids of your own, our chapter in adulthood is beginning and we need to embrace it and accept it for what it is. Yeah, I know how scary it is to picture a life without the people you’ve grown to love and trust since the moment you were born, but adulthood comes with that acceptance that every day with those people (or pets) is valuable. This chapter in our lives is all determined by us and us only; we are adults in the real world making real-world decisions; we are a new generation of adults who now get to live life the way we’d like to.

I know I sound ridiculous and I swear I’m not writing this during witching hours, but thinking and feeling this way is such a huge problem within our generation because we’re just so afraid of change within ourselves nowadays. It seems like with everything else in our lives we are more than ready to change something, but let it be our age and how we live life and we all shut down, even if I’m just speaking for myself at this point.

At the end of the day, you and I shouldn’t fear the future. Yeah, the unknown is scary and creepy, but the unknown could be full of opportunities and blessings in which we could miss out if we fear change too much.

Your chapter of life has just begun; write it the way you’d want it to be.

-Liz. (:

Creative Pieces

For Your 18th Birthday: A Letter.

June 26, 2018June 18, 2018 liz

It’s a hot, summer day in Woodbridge, Virginia. While kids are riding their bikes down the street, and toddlers are playing out in the front yard as their parents sip cold drinks on the porch, Grace Copeland and her father are moving boxes around in their basement. Her dad is putting together the store bought boxes together as Grace is in the closet area of the basement, waiting to pack everything to move to New York for college in the Fall. She looks around the small closet area, realizing she never really came down here and paid any attention to this kind of stuff in the first place. She wondered what were in these boxes; where they just holiday decorations? Winter clothes? Old yearbooks her father kept all these years? Knowing her father, she wasn’t surprised at the fact that he probably kept her old baby clothes in storage too. She continued to scan the room until her eyes met up with a fuschia color box with purple and green paisley designs on it. She took the stool she was sitting on and placed it in front of the mountain of boxes and proceed to take the fuschia box down from its place. Not getting a good enough grip on it, the box falls to the ground, creating a noise loud enough to alert her father. Her dad asks her if everything was okay, and with Grace racing to pick up the box, she said she was fine.

When she heard her father go back upstairs with the made-up boxes, now was her time to look in the fuschia box and see what was so special about this peculiar looking box. In faded out script lettering, the top of the box read “Grace”. Grace noticed the piece of string holding onto a button in front of the box, and she began to unloop it. The box opened and Grace couldn’t believe what she saw: photos upon photos of Grace and her family when she was a baby, baby-sized hair clips and a baby cloth with pink ducks on it. In a little frame Grace notices and picks up, there is a picture of Grace’s mother in a beautiful, shimmery costume holding up Grace when she was just a baby. Grace stares at the photo, wishing she was able to remember this day. She imagines what was happening at that exact moment the picture was taken. She puts the picture frame back in the box and goes through it one more time before putting it back before her father catches her looking at it. Why is this box addressed to me though? she keeps asking herself. Before ultimately giving up, she picks up the box and notices a dangling piece of paper attached to the bottom of the box. Carefully, she flips over the box to read what was on the piece of paper.

Please give her the letter in the picture frame on her 18th birthday. -M

Grace raised her eyebrows, quickly flipping the box back over to get the picture frame from inside. Grace gets the picture frame, turns it around, and notices a little tab on the bottom left corner. She pulls the tab and the back of the picture frame opens. A folded white piece of paper is shown. She takes the paper and unfolds it and begins to read the letter:

My Dearest Grace,

Today is your 18th birthday. You’d be a high-school graduate, a college freshman, and beginning your journey into womanhood. I am beyond proud of you. You managed to go through your childhood and teens, experience life through your own eyes and made it to this special day and this special milestone. I know your strength, independence, spunk, and your passion got you where you are now, and for that, I look up to you now.

When I was eighteen, I wasn’t in the greatest place. For years I held onto demons that carried from my own childhood into my teenage years, and I never knew how to manage those demons until I met your dad. Your dad was always such a positive person. He saw a light in me that I thought went out years before. He showed me I was more than those past demons and past experiences: I was a talented and passionate girl who could strive to do big and better things. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to study in Julliard, I wouldn’t have made it on time to an audition that would change my life forever, and I wouldn’t have had such a beautiful daughter like you.

But, demons are demons for a reason, and I let them decide my fate.

Grace, wherever you may be at this exact moment, I know up until this moment you may believe I didn’t love you enough or you weren’t good enough for me to stay. The truth is I think about you every single day of my life. I wonder what’s your favorite color. I wonder if your bedroom is decorated in pinks and purples and have a whole vanity full of lipsticks and eyeshadows. I wonder if it’s all-sports equipment. I wonder if you eat Butter Pecan ice cream in bed like I used to as a teenager. I wonder if you’ve found love yet. I wonder if you are anything like me.

Watching you and your father that one night is a memory I think about often. Seeing your eyes full of wonder and excitement; the image is irreplaceable. It was the last night of the season and your first time at one of the shows. Everyone could not stop talking about how cute and bubbly and happy you were backstage. You were mesmerized by all of the shiny gold costumes and you loved looking at yourself in the dressing room mirror. When it was time for my section of the showcase, dad brought you to the little section of the stage where you saw all the dancers dance up close. I remember your dad telling me, “Grace’s mouth was open in pure awe the entire time; she even clapped and went crazy after every dancer performed!” I imagine how happy you were that night.

I don’t think there will be a time I hope to hear your voice or see your face just one last time. I hope you know my decision years ago had nothing to do with you or your father. I was young, and I was selfish. I can’t turn back time and make the decision knowing now how life turns out, but I can only hope that I could make things right in the future. Of course, the choice is yours.

Happy 18th Birthday, Grace.

–Mom

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: LGBT+ Isn’t Your Next Trend. 🌈(6/23/18)

June 23, 2018June 12, 2018 liz

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

First of all, Happy Pride Month to everyone who celebrates it, supports it, and recognizes the fact that there are more than just one sexual orientation. With the NYC Pride Parade just a day away, I wanted to come on here and remind everyone who may support it or accepts the LGBT+ community that this is not like St. Patrick’s Day where you are fake Irish for a day and then jump back to doing your normal thing once it’s over or you’re fake Mexican and drink shots all night on Cinco De Mayo.

Please, do not act like being LGBT+ is a fashion statement, nor a new trend for you to follow for the month of June. Do not fall victim into consumerism where Fortune 500 companies produce pride related merchandise for you to buy, yet turn their backs on the violence that these same people encounter on a day-to-day basis.

Being Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay, Transgender, Asexual, Queer, Non-binary, and everything else that falls in this community isn’t “cool”. It’s a lifestyle that many people for years had to live in the dark about because they were afraid they would be rejected by friends, family, and even worse: be a reason why they get murdered. There are people in their mid 20’s who aren’t out to their family because they are afraid they will be disowned and misunderstood. They are afraid that their sexual orientation will be confused for “being a phase” or for being the effect of a troubled time they are dealing with in their lives. Yes, we as a society have made tremendous progress into being more accepting and respectful to those withing the LGBT+ community, but their fight is far from over.

Please don’t try to “be down” because it “makes you look cool”. Don’t pretend you’re into the same sex because you’re “fed up” with the opposite sex. Don’t lead any LGBT+ person on thinking you’re into them when in reality you’re just looking for a good time. Being LGBT+ isn’t being “kinky” or “sassy” or “freaky.” It’s a lifestyle and a reality for thousands of people.

If you’re a heterosexual and are supportive and acceptive to the LGBT+ community, that’s all that should matter. Be there for your fellow LGBT+ family, friends, co-workers, peers, colleagues, people. Let them know that you respect their life in the way you want them to do for you, and make sure you understand that honesty, love is love, and in the end – that’s all that matters.

Don’t try to be something you’re not because you think you’re not “interesting” or “exotic”. People who identify themselves in the LGBT+ community are regular human beings just like you. They are unique for their own reasons outside of being LGBT+, just like you’re unique for reasons outside of you being heterosexual.

Understand them, don’t mock them for being something you’re not.

Happy Pride, everyone. Have fun, stay safe, and spread the love. ❤ 💛 💚 💙 💜

-Liz (:

Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: June 2018 Edition.

June 19, 2018June 14, 2018 liz

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

It’s that time of the month where I get to write my favorite posts on the blog:

June has been a crazy month. It’s been a month of trying to relax and trying to give myself a break, but alas: most of the time I was all over the place. One consistent thing that happened in June was really me just going to therapy once a week and talking about these same feelings (its why a lot of my recent posts are so mental-health related, and surprise, this one is too.)

Since I started therapy, I’ve become a lot more self-aware of my behavior and the way I’ve been feeling. Slowly but surely I am trying to get some control back into my life from my anxiety, I’m trying to feel better after not doing so for a year now, and yes, I’m even trying to get a better understanding of the behaviors I’m not aware of because they are second nature to me.

Therapy sorta taught me that everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is simply “because it just got worse.” I always thought something major and big had to happen in order for me to feel the way that I do, and to a certain point, there was, it just didn’t happen within the last 6 months.

Sometimes, you get “worse” because you’ve been on a downward spiral for years without even knowing it. So, how do you expect those around you to understand what happened all of a sudden?

Recently, I had a discussion with my therapist about something extremely personal that I haven’t spoken about with anyone besides my family and my partner. Sharing it with a person who I’ve only known for a month was scary but when I did, it seemed like things started to connect. Despite being anxious in social situations and with other people, I tend to become extremely anxious in confrontations, arguments, fights, disagreements; whatever it may be, I’m always on edge. I mean, everyone feels this way, it’s normal, but when you instantly feel your heart sink to your stomach, don’t remember what you’re saying, and feel like you want to give up on yourself and on life, then it’s not normal. It’s now a trigger.

Although it coexists with my social anxiety, triggers are most likely linked to trauma. Of course, people assume that trauma is only considered when something horrendous happens to a person like having an almost death experience, you fought in a war, you were sexually assaulted, you were held hostage/kidnapped, things that people will excuse your behavior for because of those things being traumatizing to society.

But what about the things that some people can move forward from, but others can’t? Like bullying? Drug/Alcohol abuse in the household? Losing close people in your life due to fights and arguments? Some of these things are extremely traumatic to some people to the point where whenever they are put into situations similar to these events, they completely shut down. Unable to move. Unable to speak up for themselves. They just sit there and hope that the moment passes as quickly as possible. And when those same people get into the same situations over and over again, they don’t remember how it happened in the past; they just remember going into protective mode and don’t see what actually is happening. That’s called being dissociated. That’s called being traumatized to the point where you don’t have control over your body anymore. That’s called knowing what to do but can’t because you feel like it’s not your body anymore.

Ladies and gentlemen, that’s called dissociative amnesia and it’s a scary fucking thing to experience.

I won’t get too deep into it because that’s not what I am seeking therapy for and I’m not fully aware of its symptoms and causes and all that jazz. I’m mentioning it because you have to understand those around you. You have to understand that the people in your group of friends all have stories and secrets that they are burying and that are trying to move past them to live better lives.

Most importantly, you have to understand that people are the way they are for a reason, whether or not you personally know that reason. Whether you’re battling with a mental disorder or not, you are responsible as a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, sibling, parent, classmate, whoever you may be at a certain time, for being respectful and present and understanding to a certain degree.

Personally, I want people to understand that yeah, I’m very successful with my education and yes, I have many passions and talents and I am generally a happy, bubbly person. What that doesn’t mean is that I don’t hurt, I don’t get sad, I don’t feel negative things, and that I don’t deal with triggers on a day-to-day basis. Call it sensitive, but you truly don’t know what you’re doing to a person when you aren’t aware (and don’t care to be aware) of a person’s internal battles with themselves.

This post may be all over the place, but I truly wanted to write this because I am tired of shutting down. I am tired of looking at myself and knowing what to do in situations yet I’m not moving or speaking up. I am tired of being easily triggered by other human beings in negative situations. I am tired of being misunderstood, mislabeled, and looked at as another person who is just always in their feelings and with issues.

You are hurting the people around you when you do that, and the only time people like you will care and finally listen up is when it’s too late, and they aren’t physically here anymore.

Don’t just be there; be present.

-Liz (: