Blogust 2018: The Series

Day 1: Reintroduction.

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Hey, guys welcome back to TNTH!

Today is the first day of the month-long series, Blogust. For those who are reading this all confused and wondering what on Earth is a “Blogust”, it’s when I blog every single day for the month of August, hence why it’s called Blogust.

I want to start off with a reintroduction of myself because the last one was when the blog first started out, and a lot has changed since then. Plus, this allows me to start off anew and embrace parts of myself that I’ve been trying to change for the longest of time because let’s face it, we are not all perfect beings, but we wish we were. 

Anyway, without further ado… Hi! I’m Liz!

While other people my age are yearning to leave NYC to live somewhere else, I cannot see myself being anywhere else besides NYC. A lot of people who are not native New Yorkers find themselves falling for a fantasy image of it; bright lights, Broadway shows, Christmas at Rockafeller Center, and everything else that portrays this perfect image of the city. More people out of state are moving here, and still expect it to be this perfect place when really, it isn’t. It’s dirty most of the time, it’s smelly in the summertime, there are homeless people traveling with you on subway carts, and native New Yorkers live their lives in a rush. I don’t like NYC for the fantasy image it portrays: I never went to see the Christmas Tree in Rockafeller Center, I never went to Times Square to see the ball drop on New Year’s Eve, I never went to see the Thanksgiving Day parade in person, and I’ve been to only 4 Broadway shows in the 24 years I’ve been living. I love NYC because it’s my home. I love NYC for what it is behind closed doors, and being a New Yorker defines me as a person. Me getting up to move somewhere else is me having to find myself all over again.

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As much as I like to write my whole life on here, it’s extremely hard for me to open up to people I am not comfortable with. I always thought I was an open book and to a certain extent, I am. I am first to shout to the world that I am this and I am that, but admitting it to people face-to-face is what I lack in. I don’t know if that’s me protecting myself from the judgment of other people, but even to the people who never did judge me are out of the loop sometimes. In a way, I feel as if I’m protecting myself from myself, if that makes any sense. I feel like if I don’t say nothing and pretend I’m okay, I could trick myself into being okay. Yeah, it’s extremely unhealthy, but I’ve accepted I could only work on that aspect, and not change it. It’s a personality trait I think I have to spend time with in order to change it, but I’ve been like that for years and I don’t think it will ever change. I can always improve it, y’know?

I’ve become extremely self-aware, and I’m proud that I did, despite popular belief. I’ve always known the type of person I was, and I always had a good grasp of the things that made me, me. But I used to ignore the bad things; pretended that they didn’t exist or I was able to fix them. The truth of the matter is that once I decided to acknowledge these negative things, I got a better picture of the things that I wanted versus the things that I needed. Because of that, I’ve been on this road of self-recovery that I felt like was the right time in my life. Any sooner would’ve left me back at square one. Any later would’ve left me depressed.

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I like to believe that my zodiac sign is the reason why my work ethic is the way it is. While I was in college and grad school, I was extremely hard-working, especially in the classes that I liked the most, obviously. As stressful it was, I liked the challenge it brought me and I like the doors that opened for me while in my studies. I was never the straight-A student that got honors on everything, but I was good enough to my own standards. I was proud of the work that I put into any project and/or final paper, and I always strived to be one of the best, if not the best. And I think that goes back to my competitive Capricorn trait, in all honesty. I always wanted to be the best, or on the top – whether it was in academics, singing, dancing, acting – whether it was. If I knew I was good at something, I wanted to be the best at it, and it’s honestly a blessing and a curse. I know I can’t always be on the top, but it also pushes me to do better. I like that about myself and I very much do blame my Capricorness for my very strong work ethic.

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I have Social Anxiety Disorder, and I’ve suspected it for a very long time. As a kid, I was very outgoing, and I was able to make some good friends in primary school and in middle school, and I wasn’t afraid to speak up or tell someone the truth despite if it hurt their feelings or not. Once I got older, things changed: friendships were harder to keep, I became very private about my feelings to try to save myself from judgment or embarrassment. By the time I hit my 20’s, I didn’t have a solid group of friends, and I liked being alone for most of my days. Once I started grad school, I started to think about everything else coming my way, my anxiety worsened, and here I am today trying to get through it. It hasn’t been an easy couple of months since coming to terms with it, and it’s something I’m trying to manage while still living my life as a 24-year-old young adult trying to find my purpose in life. It’s something I have and yeah, it doesn’t define me – but it’s something I live with every day and it’s something I have to embrace in order to cope. So, here I am.

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I’m not what you all a “beauty guru” or a “fashionista” and half of that has to do with the fact that I wasn’t raised having a lot of money in my family. In certain cases, some of my clothes were hand-me-downs from my sister, or they were clothes that were simple, comfortable, and cheap. I used to shop at my local Rainbow Shop for all of my clothes, I was a kid who rocked Payless sneakers and sandals all day long; I was never the type to want something that was name brand. Although, I was very big on electronic things. I wanted to try every Nintendo device and game that came out, I wanted the newest iPod everyone had, and of course, I wanted to see what life was like having an iPhone, which didn’t happen until I was 21. Either or, I was still never wanting to wear fancy clothes or shoes or wear high-end makeup because that simply just wasn’t me. To this day, you’ll find me in some target shorts, a t-shirt, and no makeup. Not knocking anyone who lives life the opposite, I’m just saying I was just… absent with fashion and beauty stuff.

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On a regular day, you will find me watching YouTube videos of people playing games and making funny commentary on it like a 13-year-old boy who still thinks the word “penis” and “vagina” are hilarious. Particularly, I like watching the Game Grumps, which is two guys (Arin Hanson and Dan Avidan) playing games while providing a podcast-like commentary on either the game or other funny things in general. On some days, you will find me watching hauls of squishies from Grav3yardgirl’s secret second channel, unboxing of products from DOPE or NOPE, a channel of three guys who have amazing chemistry together on set, vlogs from people who work in a YouTube Network called Hi5 Studios, and the weekly Jenna Marbles video of her doing something crazy funny with either her dogs, her boyfriend, or just by herself. YouTube (although with my personal opinions about it as a business) has played an important role as “relaxer” in my life during long hours of school work, anxiety-ridden days, and times when I just needed a good laugh. I’ll watch the occasional beauty/makeup video from a recommended channel, but I honestly find the most joy in the things that fascinate me, and that makes me laugh.

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I still very much believe in energy rather than religion. Although I do have some faith within religion, I never had that connection with “God”, or any higher power before. Yes, I’ve known people in my life who have that connection and live their lives according to that belief, but I simply was never able to feel that sort of connection and I guess that’s what brought me into believing in energy. Energy, for me, is simply what you put out there. If you’re a negative or pessimistic person, that’s the energy you’re getting back from the universe. Personally, I try to be respectful and positive in every situation that comes forward in my life. Do I always get it in return? Of course not, but your overall energy and aura will attract the same type of vibe you’re giving out. Maybe I’m just going all Confucius on y’all, but my high-school Global History teacher, Mr. Quinlan, taught us “What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others”, and I felt that. To this day, I try to live my life according to that; your mentality is your reality, put out what you want back.

And I think I’ll end it on that note! I hope you guys enjoyed this reintroduction, and I’ll see you for the rest of Blogust! 😀

 

-Liz. (:

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