Letters From Liz.

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

Before we get into this post, can you believe we are halfway through the year already? I mean technically, July 2nd is the 182nd day out of 365, which is literally half of the year, but you know what I’m getting at. How many of us can say they felt like they did live six months of 2018 already and felt like it’s been six months? I don’t know about you, but it feels like it was just yesterday that I was in Pennsylvania with my family ringing in the new year. It feels like it was just yesterday that my partner and I spent a weekend in Upstate New York for my 24th Birthday. It feels like it was just yesterday I was starting my last semester as a student, beginning to rewrite my entire thesis, and juggle reading poems and books for my two courses. It doesn’t feel like it’s already been 6 months of 2018.

And that’s been a reality for me ever since I turned 18 in 2012; the years have been passing by like it’s been nobody’s business, and when you take time to actually think about it, you sit there in awe and wonder how did you manage to make it this far into life? I honestly thought I wouldn’t make it to see past 18, yet here I am, a 24-year-old woman with two degrees and a whole life ahead of me.

But with time going by so fast, sometimes we take it for granted. Sometimes, we don’t see the consequences of having time move so fast.

We don’t realize that since we’re getting older, the people around us are too. Our friends who used to share their building blocks in Kindergarten are now proud parents of a Kindergartener. Our siblings who we once shared a room with are now living in their own apartments and houses. The parents who were lively and energetic are now older and prefer to relax on their days off. The family members who you use to see every other week are now only available for two holidays a year. And the grandparents aren’t grandparents anymore.

I’m writing this with a lot in my heart, especially since today would be my childhood dog’s birthday. His birthday, in particular, reminds me of all the beings in my life who passed away thus far. In the last four years, I lost two family members and a childhood pet and the process still isn’t completely over. I think back to when they were here and I remember how young I was. I still remember the day my family and I got Pal at the Animal Rescue in Manhattan 17 years ago. When you realize just how much time has passed, you wonder what will happen in the future. Most of the time, it is extremely hard for me to even think what life would be like for me in 10 years. It’s extremely hard for me to even think about what life would be like in 2020.

I apologize for this “Self-Appreciation Saturday” being such a downer, but I know there are people my age, younger and older than me, who feel this way. They may not go into such detail as I do, but adjusting to a life you’re not familiar with after being comfortable all these years is terrifying and difficult.

But, it isn’t impossible.

I guess what I’m trying to say in this post (and here’s where the “self-appreciation” in “Self-Appreciation Saturday” comes in), is that for many of us, our lives have just begun. Whether or not you’re still at home, a career or job or degree, or whether or not you’re about to start a new family with kids of your own, our chapter in adulthood is beginning and we need to embrace it and accept it for what it is. Yeah, I know how scary it is to picture a life without the people you’ve grown to love and trust since the moment you were born, but adulthood comes with that acceptance that every day with those people (or pets) is valuable. This chapter in our lives is all determined by us and us only; we are adults in the real world making real-world decisions; we are a new generation of adults who now get to live life the way we’d like to.

I know I sound ridiculous and I swear I’m not writing this during witching hours, but thinking and feeling this way is such a huge problem within our generation because we’re just so afraid of change within ourselves nowadays. It seems like with everything else in our lives we are more than ready to change something, but let it be our age and how we live life and we all shut down, even if I’m just speaking for myself at this point.

At the end of the day, you and I shouldn’t fear the future. Yeah, the unknown is scary and creepy, but the unknown could be full of opportunities and blessings in which we could miss out if we fear change too much.

Your chapter of life has just begun; write it the way you’d want it to be.

-Liz. (:

Creative Pieces

For Your 18th Birthday: A Letter.

June 26, 2018June 18, 2018 liz

It’s a hot, summer day in Woodbridge, Virginia. While kids are riding their bikes down the street, and toddlers are playing out in the front yard as their parents sip cold drinks on the porch, Grace Copeland and her father are moving boxes around in their basement. Her dad is putting together the store bought boxes together as Grace is in the closet area of the basement, waiting to pack everything to move to New York for college in the Fall. She looks around the small closet area, realizing she never really came down here and paid any attention to this kind of stuff in the first place. She wondered what were in these boxes; where they just holiday decorations? Winter clothes? Old yearbooks her father kept all these years? Knowing her father, she wasn’t surprised at the fact that he probably kept her old baby clothes in storage too. She continued to scan the room until her eyes met up with a fuschia color box with purple and green paisley designs on it. She took the stool she was sitting on and placed it in front of the mountain of boxes and proceed to take the fuschia box down from its place. Not getting a good enough grip on it, the box falls to the ground, creating a noise loud enough to alert her father. Her dad asks her if everything was okay, and with Grace racing to pick up the box, she said she was fine.

When she heard her father go back upstairs with the made-up boxes, now was her time to look in the fuschia box and see what was so special about this peculiar looking box. In faded out script lettering, the top of the box read “Grace”. Grace noticed the piece of string holding onto a button in front of the box, and she began to unloop it. The box opened and Grace couldn’t believe what she saw: photos upon photos of Grace and her family when she was a baby, baby-sized hair clips and a baby cloth with pink ducks on it. In a little frame Grace notices and picks up, there is a picture of Grace’s mother in a beautiful, shimmery costume holding up Grace when she was just a baby. Grace stares at the photo, wishing she was able to remember this day. She imagines what was happening at that exact moment the picture was taken. She puts the picture frame back in the box and goes through it one more time before putting it back before her father catches her looking at it. Why is this box addressed to me though? she keeps asking herself. Before ultimately giving up, she picks up the box and notices a dangling piece of paper attached to the bottom of the box. Carefully, she flips over the box to read what was on the piece of paper.

Please give her the letter in the picture frame on her 18th birthday. -M

Grace raised her eyebrows, quickly flipping the box back over to get the picture frame from inside. Grace gets the picture frame, turns it around, and notices a little tab on the bottom left corner. She pulls the tab and the back of the picture frame opens. A folded white piece of paper is shown. She takes the paper and unfolds it and begins to read the letter:

My Dearest Grace,

Today is your 18th birthday. You’d be a high-school graduate, a college freshman, and beginning your journey into womanhood. I am beyond proud of you. You managed to go through your childhood and teens, experience life through your own eyes and made it to this special day and this special milestone. I know your strength, independence, spunk, and your passion got you where you are now, and for that, I look up to you now.

When I was eighteen, I wasn’t in the greatest place. For years I held onto demons that carried from my own childhood into my teenage years, and I never knew how to manage those demons until I met your dad. Your dad was always such a positive person. He saw a light in me that I thought went out years before. He showed me I was more than those past demons and past experiences: I was a talented and passionate girl who could strive to do big and better things. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to study in Julliard, I wouldn’t have made it on time to an audition that would change my life forever, and I wouldn’t have had such a beautiful daughter like you.

But, demons are demons for a reason, and I let them decide my fate.

Grace, wherever you may be at this exact moment, I know up until this moment you may believe I didn’t love you enough or you weren’t good enough for me to stay. The truth is I think about you every single day of my life. I wonder what’s your favorite color. I wonder if your bedroom is decorated in pinks and purples and have a whole vanity full of lipsticks and eyeshadows. I wonder if it’s all-sports equipment. I wonder if you eat Butter Pecan ice cream in bed like I used to as a teenager. I wonder if you’ve found love yet. I wonder if you are anything like me.

Watching you and your father that one night is a memory I think about often. Seeing your eyes full of wonder and excitement; the image is irreplaceable. It was the last night of the season and your first time at one of the shows. Everyone could not stop talking about how cute and bubbly and happy you were backstage. You were mesmerized by all of the shiny gold costumes and you loved looking at yourself in the dressing room mirror. When it was time for my section of the showcase, dad brought you to the little section of the stage where you saw all the dancers dance up close. I remember your dad telling me, “Grace’s mouth was open in pure awe the entire time; she even clapped and went crazy after every dancer performed!” I imagine how happy you were that night.

I don’t think there will be a time I hope to hear your voice or see your face just one last time. I hope you know my decision years ago had nothing to do with you or your father. I was young, and I was selfish. I can’t turn back time and make the decision knowing now how life turns out, but I can only hope that I could make things right in the future. Of course, the choice is yours.

Happy 18th Birthday, Grace.

–Mom

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: LGBT+ Isn’t Your Next Trend. 🌈(6/23/18)

June 23, 2018June 12, 2018 liz

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

First of all, Happy Pride Month to everyone who celebrates it, supports it, and recognizes the fact that there are more than just one sexual orientation. With the NYC Pride Parade just a day away, I wanted to come on here and remind everyone who may support it or accepts the LGBT+ community that this is not like St. Patrick’s Day where you are fake Irish for a day and then jump back to doing your normal thing once it’s over or you’re fake Mexican and drink shots all night on Cinco De Mayo.

Please, do not act like being LGBT+ is a fashion statement, nor a new trend for you to follow for the month of June. Do not fall victim into consumerism where Fortune 500 companies produce pride related merchandise for you to buy, yet turn their backs on the violence that these same people encounter on a day-to-day basis.

Being Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay, Transgender, Asexual, Queer, Non-binary, and everything else that falls in this community isn’t “cool”. It’s a lifestyle that many people for years had to live in the dark about because they were afraid they would be rejected by friends, family, and even worse: be a reason why they get murdered. There are people in their mid 20’s who aren’t out to their family because they are afraid they will be disowned and misunderstood. They are afraid that their sexual orientation will be confused for “being a phase” or for being the effect of a troubled time they are dealing with in their lives. Yes, we as a society have made tremendous progress into being more accepting and respectful to those withing the LGBT+ community, but their fight is far from over.

Please don’t try to “be down” because it “makes you look cool”. Don’t pretend you’re into the same sex because you’re “fed up” with the opposite sex. Don’t lead any LGBT+ person on thinking you’re into them when in reality you’re just looking for a good time. Being LGBT+ isn’t being “kinky” or “sassy” or “freaky.” It’s a lifestyle and a reality for thousands of people.

If you’re a heterosexual and are supportive and acceptive to the LGBT+ community, that’s all that should matter. Be there for your fellow LGBT+ family, friends, co-workers, peers, colleagues, people. Let them know that you respect their life in the way you want them to do for you, and make sure you understand that honesty, love is love, and in the end – that’s all that matters.

Don’t try to be something you’re not because you think you’re not “interesting” or “exotic”. People who identify themselves in the LGBT+ community are regular human beings just like you. They are unique for their own reasons outside of being LGBT+, just like you’re unique for reasons outside of you being heterosexual.

Understand them, don’t mock them for being something you’re not.

Happy Pride, everyone. Have fun, stay safe, and spread the love. ❤ 💛 💚 💙 💜

-Liz (:

Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: June 2018 Edition.

June 19, 2018June 14, 2018 liz

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

It’s that time of the month where I get to write my favorite posts on the blog:

June has been a crazy month. It’s been a month of trying to relax and trying to give myself a break, but alas: most of the time I was all over the place. One consistent thing that happened in June was really me just going to therapy once a week and talking about these same feelings (its why a lot of my recent posts are so mental-health related, and surprise, this one is too.)

Since I started therapy, I’ve become a lot more self-aware of my behavior and the way I’ve been feeling. Slowly but surely I am trying to get some control back into my life from my anxiety, I’m trying to feel better after not doing so for a year now, and yes, I’m even trying to get a better understanding of the behaviors I’m not aware of because they are second nature to me.

Therapy sorta taught me that everything happens for a reason, even if that reason is simply “because it just got worse.” I always thought something major and big had to happen in order for me to feel the way that I do, and to a certain point, there was, it just didn’t happen within the last 6 months.

Sometimes, you get “worse” because you’ve been on a downward spiral for years without even knowing it. So, how do you expect those around you to understand what happened all of a sudden?

Recently, I had a discussion with my therapist about something extremely personal that I haven’t spoken about with anyone besides my family and my partner. Sharing it with a person who I’ve only known for a month was scary but when I did, it seemed like things started to connect. Despite being anxious in social situations and with other people, I tend to become extremely anxious in confrontations, arguments, fights, disagreements; whatever it may be, I’m always on edge. I mean, everyone feels this way, it’s normal, but when you instantly feel your heart sink to your stomach, don’t remember what you’re saying, and feel like you want to give up on yourself and on life, then it’s not normal. It’s now a trigger.

Although it coexists with my social anxiety, triggers are most likely linked to trauma. Of course, people assume that trauma is only considered when something horrendous happens to a person like having an almost death experience, you fought in a war, you were sexually assaulted, you were held hostage/kidnapped, things that people will excuse your behavior for because of those things being traumatizing to society.

But what about the things that some people can move forward from, but others can’t? Like bullying? Drug/Alcohol abuse in the household? Losing close people in your life due to fights and arguments? Some of these things are extremely traumatic to some people to the point where whenever they are put into situations similar to these events, they completely shut down. Unable to move. Unable to speak up for themselves. They just sit there and hope that the moment passes as quickly as possible. And when those same people get into the same situations over and over again, they don’t remember how it happened in the past; they just remember going into protective mode and don’t see what actually is happening. That’s called being dissociated. That’s called being traumatized to the point where you don’t have control over your body anymore. That’s called knowing what to do but can’t because you feel like it’s not your body anymore.

Ladies and gentlemen, that’s called dissociative amnesia and it’s a scary fucking thing to experience.

I won’t get too deep into it because that’s not what I am seeking therapy for and I’m not fully aware of its symptoms and causes and all that jazz. I’m mentioning it because you have to understand those around you. You have to understand that the people in your group of friends all have stories and secrets that they are burying and that are trying to move past them to live better lives.

Most importantly, you have to understand that people are the way they are for a reason, whether or not you personally know that reason. Whether you’re battling with a mental disorder or not, you are responsible as a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, sibling, parent, classmate, whoever you may be at a certain time, for being respectful and present and understanding to a certain degree.

Personally, I want people to understand that yeah, I’m very successful with my education and yes, I have many passions and talents and I am generally a happy, bubbly person. What that doesn’t mean is that I don’t hurt, I don’t get sad, I don’t feel negative things, and that I don’t deal with triggers on a day-to-day basis. Call it sensitive, but you truly don’t know what you’re doing to a person when you aren’t aware (and don’t care to be aware) of a person’s internal battles with themselves.

This post may be all over the place, but I truly wanted to write this because I am tired of shutting down. I am tired of looking at myself and knowing what to do in situations yet I’m not moving or speaking up. I am tired of being easily triggered by other human beings in negative situations. I am tired of being misunderstood, mislabeled, and looked at as another person who is just always in their feelings and with issues.

You are hurting the people around you when you do that, and the only time people like you will care and finally listen up is when it’s too late, and they aren’t physically here anymore.

Don’t just be there; be present.

-Liz (:

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Your Insecurities Aren’t A Running Joke. (6/16/18)

June 16, 2018June 11, 2018 liz

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

Let’s get straight into the post: your insecurities are not a running joke. You shouldn’t let other people take your insecurities as a joke, and you shouldn’t present them as a joke either.

Oh, you thought this was a basic post about bullying, huh? Lemme explain.

Many of us, especially those who have a hard time fitting in, don’t realize that once we “try to fit in” by joking about something we’re actually insecure about, you are opening that door for those around you to do the same.

When I was in middle school, I was constantly bullied for my weight. I was called a whale, a pig, a fatass, a fat bitch, an elephant, and pretty much every other typical name in the book that describes a fat person. A lot of these people who did that were actually my friends at the time, and many of them didn’t understand why a year later, they all got called down to the guidance counselors office with me and my parents.

“I thought it didn’t bother her? She was never bothered by it before!”

That’s because I allowed my insecurities to be a running joke.

When you’re a pre-teen in a middle school that only wanted to fit in, you tend to do whatever it takes to fit in. I was always considered overweight, and when boys and other girls used to tease me for being that, I engaged in it. I made it seem like it didn’t bother me and at times would join in making fun of myself. But after a while, the lines get blurred. People take things too far and before you know it, you’re replacing most of your meals with water; just water.

I tell this story because there are still people in their 20’s who tend to joke about their insecurities just so that they appear to be unbothered by it. They tend to joke around to show others that they are “strong” and “confident” in themselves, but really you’re just hurting yourself. And getting others to think differently about you, or make them stop treating you a certain way, is even more frustrating.

And this goes far beyond just a couple of “fat” jokes.

This is about people who are insecure about many things in their life. Maybe it is about their weight. Maybe it’s the way they sweat on a really hot summer day. Maybe it’s their body odor they can’t control, no matter how much deodorant and body spray they have on them. Maybe it’s the labels you get for having an uncontrollable mental illness. Maybe it’s the way they are programmed due to their own personal experiences, trauma, mantras, mentality, etc.

Whatever the case may be, you shouldn’t be your own bully.

Instead, take your insecurities seriously. Yeah, insecurities are sometimes just all in your head and it really is you that may be thinking too much, but you should own up to your insecurities and make it known that certain things are off-limits.

Personally, for me, my weight is off limits. My anxiety disorder is off-limits. Anything that personally triggers me is off-limits. No, you’re not being hypersensitive, you’re sticking up for yourself. You’re showing others you respect yourself and you demand to be respected in the same way you will respect them. There shouldn’t be any question about that, especially being at the age we are currently in.

So 12-year-old Liz, I wish you didn’t have to feel like you had to put yourself down in order to fit in. I wish you were able to see that you were much better than that. I wish you were able to stick up for yourself without engaging in stupid activities like chasing those boys around and hitting them whenever they teased you. But you taught me a lot on how I should be handling myself and how I should be treated by others. You taught me that those insecurities would find ways to diminish on their own instead of putting them front and center for the world to see. You taught me that my insecurities don’t define me, but they are a working process into finding out who I am.

Be nice to yourself, guys.

-Liz (:

Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

Dear Extroverts: Signed, A “SAD” Introvert.

June 12, 2018 liz

Hey guys, welcome back to TNTH!

In the recent weeks, I’ve been on this new path to bettering my mental health now that I don’t have much distraction in my life. For the past year, I’ve been noticing this “downward spiral” of anxiety that kept creeping up on me, and it wasn’t until the past couple of months that I began noticing my anxiety get worse. I finally started to seek out professional help to find ways to overcome this newfound anxiety… well, anxiety that I always had but just recently became out of hand.

In a couple of posts before this one, I mentioned that I got diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. In a way, it’s an umbrella term that describes a whole variety of different fears and phobias. When I went to see my psychiatrist for the first time, she ultimately deemed me as having Social Anxiety Disorder. At that point, I went to do some further research on it, and might I tell you, it explains a lot more of my anxiety than I ever thought it would. To be more exact, social anxiety is more than just being “shy” or quiet” in social situations. It’s the incapability to not go out or interact with other people because you get anxious doing it, even with the closest people in your life.

Honestly, it explained a lot of the questions I had in why I was behaving in the way that I was.

Just like depression, anxiety is always misinterpreted as something else that people think is easily curable. People who don’t have SAD may find themselves wanting to stay in instead of going out for reasons that are actual reasons: they are busy, they are tired, or maybe they are just not up for it. People with SAD find themselves staying in because they are already thinking about the hours in advance, worrying that something bad might happen for they might get an anxiety attack in the middle of a social event, even if it’s with your closest friends or even your significant other. People with SAD tend to stay in because it’s more comfortable and safe to be by themselves instead of around other people.

Dear Extroverts,

Please understand that Social Anxiety Disorder is more than just being shy and quiet and “socially awkward”. It’s a chronic illness that can be treatable, but it doesn’t go away on its own. Plus, only 5% of the U.S population is actually diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, yet its considered the most common anxiety disorder because so many people who live with it are not diagnosed. The reason for that being is even people with SAD feel like it’s such a ridiculous thing to have and our behavior is ridiculous that we often feel ashamed for being this way.

And extroverts, your introverted friends who may have SAD may feel discouraged because of you.

We are not asking you to be our therapists. We are not asking you to constantly ask us if we are okay if we are out for dinner or at a party. We are not asking you to speak for us in social situations (unless requested) and most importantly, we are not asking you for your unsolicited advice on how to “get over it” in order to live like a “normal” person.

We are asking you to be supportive of us. We are asking you to at least understand the words that come out of our mouths. We are asking you to be okay with the fact that yeah, maybe four months ago we were okay going to that restaurant across the city, but our anxiety has gotten worse since then and the travel to get to that restaurant is a lot of us to handle. We are asking you to be informative on what we had at least at the basic level. No, we are not asking you to know every little thing to do when faced with someone with SAD, we are asking you to at least know what we are going through when we are feeling anxious, and that we are constantly fighting to try to overcome such ridiculous feelings and worries about something that is supposed to be fun. We are asking you to not change who you are to us and change the friendship, we simply just want to feel as if you have our backs while we deal with it. You’re saving us a lot of worries if we absolutely know you will not judge or belittle us for not being able to control our behavior and emotions.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN that you are doing us a favor when you don’t invite us to hang out or to important events in your life just because you think you are doing us a favor or if you think we are going to always decline on your invites. People with SAD are not happy when we don’t have to face social interactions or situations; we hate that or anxiety holds us back from having a good time. In most cases, we want to actually go out and have fun; what human being doesn’t? We want to go out to birthday parties, we want to be around other people and hang out, we want to have a good time in the same way you want to, the difference is our body and our mind circulates the “what if” questions to the point where they will only stop if we don’t go. If you are our friends, we want to feel like you are our friends, so even if we do decline an invitation time to time, know that we appreciate you still are thinking about us.

All in all, we appreciate you and are very thankful to have you in our lives. You balance us out and we look up to you for being so outgoing and unapologetic for being who you are. As different we may be, we are able to connect with you for the qualities that you have, and although you may not understand how we feel about dealing with SAD, we understand that you try your best to be present and available for us while going through something so weird and confusing like SAD.

We value your friendship more than you ever know, even if we have a difficult time showing it. We value your presence in our lives.

Signed,

A “SAD” Introvert.

-Liz (:

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: I Don’t Want to “Settle Down.” (6/9/18)

June 9, 2018June 9, 2018 liz

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

I just graduated grad school. I can’t lie, not being a student anymore is an extremely scary thought. I’ve been in school since 1998; literally for 20 years. Many of us don’t realize just how much being a student becomes a part of our personality and how it contributes to our work ethic in the long run. I know that being in school shaped me into the person I am now, and it’s scary knowing I’m going to be living a life now that doesn’t involve me being a student anymore.

I technically have to learn how to be an actual functioning adult.

I give props to those who are older (even younger) than I am and already on paths of being adults in the outside world. Many of you are living in your own places (alone or with your partner), many of you have children you absolutely adore, and many of you are either engaged and planning for a wedding or already married and living happily ever after. It’s amazing that many of you are living life the way you want to live and doing it happily.

I don’t want that type of life for myself.

When I was younger, I thought I wanted to be the person to get married, have kids, live in a big house; y’know live the type of life we thought we were able to have when we were little kids. It wasn’t until recently I thought about it again, especially being in the chapter of life I am currently in. I realized I wanted more than that for myself. I realized that getting married before 30 and having kids is just not my way of a “happy and joyous life”. I realized that just because I don’t want to have kids or get engaged right now doesn’t mean that won’t change in the future. Maybe it will, and maybe it won’t, but I realized I shouldn’t feel ashamed of wanting a much more different life than the majority of people out there.

I never found myself to be the type of woman who constantly cooks, cleans, and takes care of kids. I’ve always known I wanted to be the one who was career-driven and successful and have someone who shared the same work ethic as me. I always knew in some type of way that I was meant to only take care of myself, and not because I’m “selfish”, but I literally don’t know how to take care of anyone in the way I know how to care for myself. I still have mad love, I still care about those who care about me, but I accepted that at this time and age, I do not want to have the family life everyone strives to have.

I want to be the type to travel the world. I want to be the type to be with a person who doesn’t care about getting married anytime soon or having children anytime soon and just cares about the present. I want to be the type of person who enjoys the rest of her 20’s being a bad-ass independent bitch. I want to be the type of person to be with my partner watching Family Guy until 8 at night on a rainy day eating snacks and all and not feel pressured to be talking about marriage or kids. I just want to live my life the way I know I want to live it.

So yeah, I don’t want to settle down. That doesn’t mean I want to jump in and out of situations with random dudes because “I’m too afraid of commitment”. That’s not at all what this post is about and those who share the same life goals as me shouldn’t feel like saying this is a bad thing. I’ve been with my partner for almost 9 years; commitment isn’t something foreign to me. When I mean “settle down”, I mean settling down to finally being ready put your own priorities in the back burner and care for another human being, let alone a child, anytime soon. I barely had time to get to know myself while being in grad school, I just know I want the rest of my 20’s to get to know myself better.

If you’re one of those people who feel pressured into settling down in your 20’s and feel like you have to pop out a kid because your “biological clock is ticking”, let me reassure you that you’re not the only one in this world who feels they physically and emotionally cannot take care of children, let alone their own. It’s okay to feel career-oriented and focused on yourself. It’s okay to want to wait maybe in a couple of years to have children. Maybe in this present day, you feel the way you feel and nothing at this moment is going to change that. There’s nothing wrong not wanting to settle down at this very second. Your decision is yours only and nobody has a say in what you want to do with your life.

Everyone has different paths of life, and it’s okay if yours isn’t like everyone else’s. Let’s be those “boujee aunties who travel the world and gives their nieces and nephews secret money at family gatherings to be the cool as fuck person” together!

Hey, it’s a thing.
Image result for life quotes short

-Liz (:

Monthly Favorites

Favorites & Highlights of May 2018!

June 5, 2018June 4, 2018 liz

Screenshot 2018-06-04 at 2.43.01 PM.png

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

This “monthly favorites” is going to be quite short; I didn’t really have the time to explore new things or pick up some new hobbies during the month of May, but a lot of exciting things did happen!

So without further ado, here are some things that happened/I enjoyed in the month of May:

1.) Twice

In a world where K-Pop boy band BTS is winning the hearts of millions all over, I found myself obsessing over a K-Pop girl group, which they call themselves Twice. Twice was formed through a survival show competition entitled Sixteen where 16 female JYP trainees were fighting for the 7 spots of JYP Entertainment’s new girl group. JYP is known for forming groups such as GOT7, 2PM, Miss A, and The Wonder Girls. After deciding to make the group 9 members, the official Twice members (according to the order on the photo) are Tzuyu, Jeongyeon, Sana, Jihyo, Nayeon, Chaeyoung, Dahyun, Mina, and Momo. I first heard of the group actually once while in the laundromat in my neighborhood, and the music video (as well as the song) were both very catchy, and I decided to look further into them. When I tell you that their fanbase is massive… it’s insane. Although they aren’t as mainstream in the U.S. as BTS, Twice is internationally known and have the potential to become just as big here as the boy band. I don’t know what it is about K-Pop groups, but they work immensely well compared to American groups. So yeah, check them out if you like cute, girly, catchy K-Pop songs!

2.) Highlight #1: Submitting my Thesis

The submission of my MA Thesis was a bittersweet one. Even weeks after doing so, it’s only until now that I feel like the piece is officially complete. Working on my thesis for two straight years is something I never did with a body of work in my academic career, and letting it go to officially submit felt like sending off my 18-year-old child to an out-of-state college. No, I don’t know how that would feel, but I can imagine it felt like the way I did when I submitted my thesis. At first, I was really determined to get honors on my thesis, but when it only passed, I was grateful that it did even that. My thesis was a controversial one, and there were professors that fit the criteria of the “type” of Professor I wrote about who had to read it. I’ve got comments back having them feel quite defensive of my words, but in the long run, I spoke my truth and now that truth will be published as a scholarly work, which is unreal to me.

3.) Highlight #2: The Graduate Research Conference.

After submitting my thesis for review, I quickly had to put a 5-minute presentation together of it and discuss it in front of an audience. It was an extremely stressful week to say the least, but I got up there and possibly did the best presentation I’ve done in my entire academic career. I was so beyond proud of myself for getting my thesis out there, and for having my thesis advisor support me while I was doing it. It was a great way to end my studies as a grad student, and it’s a moment I won’t be forgetting.

4.) Highlight #3: My Mental Health Journey

I decided to add this in here because my journey towards positive mental health played a major role in May. In early May, I got diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I’ve been going to therapy every week. I decided to seek out professional help because I felt myself not being able to handle my anxiety by myself anymore due to the fact that my anxiety was now about long-term things I had no control over. Grad school made my anxiety a lot worse, and it’s not going to go away now that it’s over. It’s a process to overcome certain obstacles when there’s anxiety involve, and having to speak them out loud instead of having them circulate in my mind has been extremely helpful. Therapy and going to get your mental health checked isn’t always about getting meds and calling it a day. It’s about taking ownership of your own life instead of allowing your disorders or illnesses take ownership of you.

5.) Highlight #4: Graduating Grad School

I won’t speak about this in detail since there’s already a post on this, but it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t include the most important day of 2018 for me. Almost a week later, it still feels surreal that I’m a Masters Grad, and I’m considered a “Master in English”, and it probably won’t feel real until I get my Masters Degree in my hands but it came, it went, and I couldn’t have had for a better graduation. Despite the weather being rainy and cloudy, I have to say this graduation was a lot better than my undergraduate one. It was seriously just one to remember and cherish as my last graduation ever… that’s if I ever go and pursue my PhD, which isn’t in the picture anytime soon.

So yeah! Hopefully, there are more things to try & to do in June; I mean, I definitely have all the time in the world now. ^__^

-Liz (:

Self-Reflection

What Grad School Taught Me: The Masters Grad Edition.

June 1, 2018June 1, 2018 liz

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

A year ago, I published a quite negative post regarding how the first year of my grad studies treated me. You can read that here if you’d like.

This time around, I am a recent Master’s Graduate and my perspective on it has changed for the better.

Yesterday, I attended my departmental ceremony and officially graduated grad school. 130 undergrads graduated with their Bachelors in English, and 7 grads graduated with their Masters in English. Within the ceremony, our MA Director did something that was quite touching; she acknowledged all 7 of its graduates and shared to the English Class of 2018 all of our MA Theses titles to acknowledge our hard work during our journey in grad school. For my moment, I felt like my hard work paid off, and it felt great to just have the title of my thesis read because it’s such a body of work I am immensely proud of. I honestly wouldn’t have had the passion and drive for it if it wasn’t for my thesis advisor, Professor Carlo.

Professor Carlo’s class was one of two courses I took during my first semester as a grad student. I was 22, I was naïve, and I was extremely timid and shy to even speak in class. In the duration of her course, I began to see writing in such a different perspective, and I began to express myself in a classroom in a way I haven’t been able to do so since the acting courses I took during undergrad. I felt a sense of freedom and began to get a sense of what my voice was, and I honestly believe I wouldn’t have known this without Professor Carlo’s class. I knew since the moment she said “if you’d like have your final paper become a thesis”, I instantly knew she was the professor I wanted to guide me to the end. And she did, and as a thank you for her dedication, time (and ears whenever I rambled on and on in our meetings), I gave her a bouquet of flowers. I cried giving them to her, she cried as I cried. And that’s the thing: the last time I truly cried at a graduation was in middle school, a time where I was at the happiest in my life and that I knew I was truly going to miss being there with my friends. I cried at my Masters’ Graduation because I was sad it was over and that the journey that I once felt was going to last a lifetime, was now over.

Grad school taught me more than how to research and analyze text on a scholarly level. It taught me the lessons in life I was too afraid to learn on my own.

Prior to grad school, I graduated college not really knowing what the real world was like, and I wasn’t ready to face it because let’s be honest, I didn’t have a hard time completing my bachelor’s degree. At first, I accepted CSI’s “fast-track” into the Master’s program because I felt like I wasn’t done. I felt like I wasn’t done learning, growing, and getting degrees in all honesty. My aunt is the only other person in the family with a Masters Degree, and it was about time that a millennial in the family got one as well. But to be even more honest with myself, I started the program because I was scared of not having a plan, and going to grad school felt like the security blanket that I thought was going to protect me a bit as I got my own shit together.

In a sense, it worsened me.

With every journey comes with some hardships and particularly, grad school gave me a lot of them. I lost most of my friends (old and newish), I lost a lot of my social abilities which created this comfortable bubble of just me writing and getting work done, and it became a reason why I am now seeking out therapy.

It’s how I found out I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

But even with all of this, I’ve learned how to look at it through a positive lens. For instance, I would’ve never gone to seek therapy in the past because I never allowed myself to believe that I was sad/unhappy enough to the point where I needed outside help. Grad school, without a doubt, made me more responsible and more willing to manage things, and with that came this ability to become self-aware of my behavior, actions, and my fears. It made me see myself in a way that made me feel very exposed, and I didn’t have any help trying to get “comfortable” again.

Grad school taught me how to be self-aware of myself & how to acknowledge even the most uncomfortable things in my life. Whether it was me having to wait near the bridge for my bus at 10:30 at night, or writing two 12-page papers in 3 weeks, I was very uncomfortable during my journey. Half of those things caused my anxiety to worsen; half of those things taught me how to cope and make this a temporary “new norm”. There was no compromise in the middle; it was either go for it or let it get you. And I think that’s something so important to know when dealing with an anxiety disorder and/or dealing with life in general.

The future for me is unplanned, and I am learning to be okay with that for the time being. I made it this far, to see this day, to see yesterday, and I know I’ll make it see the future. Grad school taught me there’s no room to be afraid to do something; you’ll never truly know what could be in store if you don’t explore outside of your comfort zone.

It’s okay to be uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable teaches you more about yourself than being comfortable.

Here’s to life as a Master in English.

– Liz (:

Voiceless Rant: The Series

A Voiceless Rant: May 2018 Edition.

May 29, 2018May 29, 2018 liz

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

Screenshot 2017-10-15 at 11.56.11 PM

So, no one was going to tell me that I haven’t posted a voiceless rant post for the month of May and now we are literally two days away from June? Crazy.

This month flew by, but then it didn’t. It could be because I wrapped up my final semester and the first half of the month was literally me writing and writing and writing every single day before the last day of classes. In the gist of final papers and submitting my thesis (which passed!), I got the opportunity to speak about my thesis at my college’s graduate conference. It was such a surreal feeling to stand in front of an audience (including my very supportive thesis advisor) and showcase what I’ve been working on for the last two years; it was seriously a great way to end my graduate career.

*Abstract of my Grad Conference Presentation.*

Speaking of finishing up grad school, I graduate in two days. I am still trying to let that sink in. It didn’t feel real for awhile; I kept telling myself that something was going to hold me back from getting this Masters degree and that this wasn’t going to be the end of my journey. But everything is stamped and ready to go. I’m graduating with my Masters degree in English.

Two years felt like an eternity when I was just starting out. 2018 felt too far away for it to be only two years, but these last two years flew by. I just was graduating with my bachelors. I was just taking Professor Carlo’s class in my first semester as a grad student. I just wrote that last final paper for her that I knew was going to be my thesis. I just met all of the people in my grad courses who were cool as hell. I just started grad school.

Bachelor of Arts: 2016

Master of Arts: 2018

And I think that’s what tripping me up: I struggled and worked my ass off for two years, and finally it is all over. I can’t lie, I lost a lot of people to get where I am now, including my uncle who constantly told me how proud he was for me being the first in the family to get two degrees. I even lost a lot of myself in the process, and it’s not easy trying to get parts of yourself back after feeling like you’ve been away for so long. I don’t necessarily remember who I was before grad school, but I’m damn sure that I’ll be finding who I am now as an actual human being than just one who is a student. I finally am going to be able to take care of myself in ways I wasn’t able to do because of grad school, and that’s honestly what’s so bittersweet about this moment. I was able to get through such a hard time and place in my life, and I can finally breathe again.

*Middle School Tassel & Grad School Tassel.*

I guess the overall meaning of this post is that don’t let anyone, not even yourself, tell you that you can’t do it. For months, it felt like I was never going to see the end of this journey because I was self-sabotaging; I really thought I wasn’t going to make it. There were times I told myself I was dropping out because my mental health meant so much more than a piece of paper you get framed on your wall. But I didn’t. My drive, my passion, and my responsibilities made me get where I am now, and I’m glad I got here to experience what it feels like seeing all of your hard work pay off. Staring at my Masters gown, decorating my cap, trying on my graduation outfit… nothing else beats the feeling.

Ten years ago, I couldn’t imagine myself being where I’m at. As a 14-year-old teen, my next chapter was me going to high-school and pursuing my singing with other talented teens like me. As a 24-year-old young woman, my next chapter is me getting a better understanding of who I am, and hopefully getting hired at a job that reflects on the hard work I did to get here.

Here’s to graduation, here’s to a new chapter of life, and here’s to everyone who may have self-doubts about doing whatever they want to do.

Come on and do it. (Yes, that is a Spice Girls reference.)

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-Liz. (: