Letters From Liz.

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Friday, December 14th, 2018 – The Arrival:

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As much as I like the idea of traveling, my anxiety and body absolutely hate it. So, to say the least: I was tremendously nervous to be traveling to another state, by myself. I’m very much a “go on vacation with my family or my partner” type of person, and this was officially my first solo trip. Although it took some reassurance to myself that everything was going to be fine, I was extremely excited to see the only friend I was able to keep after graduating college: my friend, Tori. I met Tori my senior year of college in an acting class, and honestly, the rest is history. Before this trip, the last time I got to see her was a week before she graduated with her Bachelor’s, so setting this reunion was well needed. The hours leading up to this departure flew by; I remember sitting in my kitchen just watching YouTube videos mindlessly until I saw it was 12:30 in the afternoon and only had an hour to get my life together before leaving. Needless to say, I wasn’t as prepared as I thought I was but prepared enough to the point I left my house exactly when I was supposed to.

An hour later into the city, I reached Port Authority Bus Terminal and frantically tried finding my bus gate. I forgot how huge Port Authority was; the last time I was here was when a part of my vocal choir had a show at a New Jersey college six years ago and quite frankly, I was just following the people who knew their way around the terminal. Luckily, I found my terminal through this sign, and the bus driver who probably saw just how lost I looked standing in front of his gate. The jitters and the nervousness finally went away when I took a seat in the waiting area of the bus gate. I was here, I was halfway to Pennsylvania, and now my body finally allowed me to be excited for the weekend ahead.

The ride wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, to be honest. Whenever my family and I would visit my grandmother’s house in Pennsylvania, the ride felt like hours, and I wasn’t going that much further than where she lives. By the time I arrived in Easton, Tori greeted me in the hugest hug possible, and that’s when I knew that nothing changed within the last year and a half apart. If you know me as a friend in person, you would know that I pretty much suck keeping friendships because of my social anxiety, and I’m so glad that Tori is understanding how that struggle is for me. Plus, I always value a friendship that although you may not see or talk to each other all the time because of adulthood, that when you get together, nothing has changed. That’s how I can tell a friendship is able to last through distance.

But enough of that cheesy stuff: We went to do a couple of errands before finally arriving at her place. Her place is exactly how I would imagine a young, mid-20’s couple would live in: a splash of her Halloween-inspired aesthetic mixed with her boyfriend’s interest in movies and Marvel comics. (Well, that’s also Tori, but still!) Nevertheless, it was an apartment that had an extremely cozy and welcoming feeling to it, and that’s excluding the fact that her dog, Sasha, makes it even better.

For the most part, we hanged out, ate dinner, and watched a short movie before her and her boyfriend headed for bed. It was still pretty early for me to hit the sheets, so in order to calm my nightly nerves and anxiety down, I pretty much forced myself to get comfortable. Back at home at night, I usually wind down to some Game Grumps on YouTube and pay a couple of games on my phone in the meantime, and I told myself that even though I am not home to do that, I could do that at her place to bring some familiarity that calms me down. I’m learning that having some sort of routine is very helpful in calming me down in situations where I may be getting anxious, so I make it a mission of mine to at least stay on a routine as comfortable as possible. Shortly after, I went to sleep.

Saturday, December 15th, 2018 – Girls Day Out:

Sasha’s good morning kiss to me was how I woke up that morning. She licked my face as I looked up and saw her looking down at me. I heard Tori in the kitchen call out Sasha’s name, but it was too late: I got the wake-up call I needed. I helped make the living room more presentable by deflating the air mattress her boyfriend put out for me the night before and then hanged out with Tori in the kitchen while she made us breakfast with some coffee. Our morning conversation consisted of us talking about Jeffree Star makeup, which she had some of his pieces in her own personal collection. I am not really a makeup person, but I love watching makeup tutorials and reviews of all these makeup brands on YouTube, so seeing some of these lipsticks and palettes in person was a surreal experience for me. Seeing one of Jeffree Stars highlighters in person was seriously an out-of-body experience. Like, I gagged. Shortly after we finished breakfast, we both got ready for our girl’s day out, which consisted of more grocery shopping, shopping in general, and me popping my Chick-Fil-A cherry.

Ever since our college days, we always talked about how I wanted Tori to give me a makeover. Tori, to me, is infamous for her liquid eyeliner; she’s not her if she doesn’t stab you with her fierce liquid eyeliner. This weekend was finally the time that we had for Tori to do my makeup. Through trial and error (especially my stubborn eyes who rather have the liquid eyeliner in them rather than on them), the makeover look was done. I didn’t get the chance to really take a picture of the finish look, but I FaceTimed my partner to show him. Needless to say, he liked it. After Tori finished her look, we both headed out the door to begin our girl’s day out.

After we did minor food shopping, she showed me around a store called Hobby Lobby. Like I said, I’m a big YouTuber watcher, and a lot of these lifestyle YouTubers rave about how great Hobby Lobby is, so I wanted to see just how great it was. Update: it was amazing. Cute, yet cheap stuff is my middle name, really. I snagged a cute little purse for literally 12 bucks. It doesn’t get any better than that! After that, she insisted that we go and get some lunch at Chick-Fil-A. Bless Tori and her vegetarian heart for taking me to Chick-Fil-A since it’s nearly impossible to try it at the only one in NYC due to its crazy lines. So, we got to Chick-Fil-A and ordered some chicken strips with waffle fries. The chicken was pretty good, but the waffle fries were literally everything. The waffle fries with the Chick-Fil-A sauce? Ugh, I’m getting hungry just thinking about it. (Also, you can tell I was hungry and demolished that plate of food because I forgot to yet again take a picture of it!) After lunch, we went to one last store before we headed home.

During our day out, I took my polaroid camera because I never get the chance to use it, and quite frankly the film was about to expire. I never saw Tori’s eyes light up so bright before. She loved the camera, and I will not be surprised the next time I go and visit her that she has one. I was really happy to finally take some pictures with Tori; I’m tired of sharing the same one as her birthday Instagram post; the one we took when we were still freshly college grads when we were babies. I gave her some to keep and I took some back home for memories.

Once her boyfriend got home, we pretty much did the same thing: eat dinner, watch a couple of episodes of Friends, watched some funny YouTube videos, made some cookies and some bomb-ass ice cream, and called it a night. I was sad that the weekend literally flew by and that the next morning I was heading back to NYC. The anxiety (of course) began to creep up on me and I had to settle back down with my nightly routine. I was exhausted after the long day we had, so going to sleep wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. After having some ice cream, I was sound asleep.

Sunday, December 16th, 2018 – The Departure:

I woke up from my alarm that was set for 8 o’clock in the morning. Needless to say, I was exhausted and just layed there for another ten minutes until Tori got out of her room with Sasha. It was a chilly and rainy Sunday morning; we mostly spent it drinking coffee and talking about her trip to see her mother down in Florida for the Christmas break. We then got dressed and headed to the bus station back in Easton. We said our goodbyes, and told each other that we had to do this again, especially during the warmer seasons of the year. I went to get on my bus back to NYC, got on, and an hour and a half later I was back in New York City. Another hour later, I was back in my home.

I was immensely proud of myself for putting this trip together on my own. We made the plans to see each other in the month I took off after being really depressed and suicidal for awhile, and I knew that being around friends would help me feel better. I was also really happy that I was putting my “travel aspiration” into gear, because that’s all I want to do while I live my 20’s. I’m still so young; I want to be able to travel to so many places before I settle down, whenever that may be. I want to be able to look back and see that I did what I wanted to do, and I’m so glad that I forced myself to do something like this. This was definitely one of my favorite highlights of this year, and I can’t wait to go back to make more memories next year.

-Liz. (:

Twelve Days of TNTHmas: 2018

When I Caught Myself Dissociating: A Story.

December 17, 2018December 13, 2018 liz

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October 4th, 2018.

It’s way too hot for it to be considered Autumn. I flipped through all of the drawers of my dresser to find something to wear on this already frightening day. It was finally the day I got up in front of my grad students and spoke about my thesis and grad school experience for the majority of the class. No matter how many times I rehearsed it in my head, in the shower, in an empty room of my apartment; I was still fucking nervous. To say the least: I was an anxious mess in the hours prior. I worried if I was validated enough to even do something like this. Will they like me? Will they appreciate hearing my experience? Will they find me a nuisance? Something bad was bound to happen, I kept telling myself in my head, and I hope that it wasn’t true.

I arrived later to the campus than I actually wanted to; that’s how much of a mess I was for most of the day. By the time I got there, the class was about to start in 30 minutes, and I had just a little amount of time before it was finally time to get up there and share my experience, and how I got where I’m at. I smiled and said hi to all of my grad students when they walked into class, trying to distract myself from what was going to happen. My former thesis advisor walked up to me and greeted me, to in which I blabbered out how nervous I was. Of course, she reassured me, telling me I was going to be fine and that ultimately, this is about me and my process. After one class presentation later, it was now my time to do my thing.

Please let me get through this without any hiccups.

I placed my powerpoint slides on the projector and panicked a little when my former thesis advisor left the room to grab some water and start without her. Shit, I’m basically in control now. I looked out into the classroom of grad students looking up at the board, at me, wherever really. I didn’t know how to start this presentation without it being way too awkward, so I just opened it up with some background of where the hell these slides came from and how much of my thesis I’ll be reading from tonight. I even made a joke about how if I were to read my 40-page thesis, we’d be here until next Thursday. Some laughed. Some didn’t. I took a deep breath and began reading what I prepared.

I began the reading feeling okay about it; it was nothing to be worried about besides here and there where I got nervous and stuttered a bit. You got this, Liz. Fuck that speech impediment and do your thing, girl! I looked up here and there to see if the class was into what I was saying because I’m insecure like that, and noticed that there were these friends who were talking among each other, laughing. Immediately, I felt exposed. Not knowing if they were just having a conversation about whatever to themselves or laughing at me for stumbling over easy ass words here and there, I immediately felt myself disappear.

The words looked blurry on the paper. It felt like my heartbeat was in my ears. I couldn’t hear the words coming out of my mouth. My vision was impaired, my body felt sniff, I felt like I was floating, yet I had no control over what I was doing. My body was not mine at that moment, it just felt like a statue.

Liz, you’re dissociating. It’s fine, it’s cool, just fucking focus. Don’t let your anxiety win tonight. Prove yourself wrong.

I took a deep breath. I made it known that I was extremely nervous. For the most part, the class supported me. They said I was doing great. To keep going. So I did.

I don’t know when I began to focus, and I don’t know when I stopped caring if people were listening to me or not, but I remember looking calm. I remember feeling calm. I remember cursing like a sailor because I tend to curse my mind out when I’m nervous and passionate; good thing you can’t tell the difference in person, but most importantly, I remember reminding myself why I’m there in the first place. I wanted to help others out by sharing my story in a sense. I wanted to give others the guidance and advice I didn’t get when I was in their position. I wanted to reassure them that they will make it out with a damn degree like I did. I also wanted to conquer my own fears of public speaking and challenge my anxiety a bit. Standing up there every week for that class is a constant battle I am fighting against my anxiety.

I challenge my anxiety and sometimes anxiety fights back by having me dissociate from time to time.

Standing up there every week, I find myself dissociating. It may not be publicly noticeable (most dissociation isn’t), but I know when I am. I don’t hear the words come out of my mouth, I get sidetracked, I forget what I’m saying mid-sentence & have to pause to remember what the hell I’m talking about, but I eventually get over that feeling. I began to focus and observe the class. I take mental notes on how I’m doing and how the class is doing and I remember why I’m there.

**Dissociation is something you shouldn’t feel ashamed of if you experience it! Just because you dissociate doesn’t mean you now have DID, so please do not confuse the two! DID is a mental disorder, dissociation is a behavior/reaction due to a very nerve-wracking/anxious environment! Of course, not everyone experiences dissociation the same, so please acknowledge that the way I experience it will be/can be completely different than someone else!**

In other words: it happens, especially when you’re challenging yourself in the environments that trigger the most anxiety. The key to overcoming it, in my opinion, is to challenge it back. Don’t let it take over you and defeat your purpose of doing something. Don’t let it discourage you and hating an experience that didn’t actually go as bad as you think! In my experience leading a class that night, I received feedback I didn’t expect and it felt fucking amazing.

In my self-discovery, I am learning to challenge these parts of myself in order to take back control of my body. Dissociation & anxiety do not own me. Neither should it own you.

-Liz. (:

Twelve Days of TNTHmas: 2018

Why I Started TNTH: The Origin Story.

December 16, 2018December 13, 2018 liz

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Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

Can you believe Christmas is nine days away? I mean, wasn’t it just Halloween, and now Christmas is around the corner? Before you know it, TNTH will be celebrating its 2nd year being a blog!

Whether you are a writer yourself, or just a person who likes to read other people’s work, I know how scary and hard it could be to start a new project. To be honest with you guys, TNTH was a blog that just… happened. It wasn’t this big planned thing that I was dying to do for years. TNTH honestly just happened one Friday night out of curiosity and here we are, almost two years later.

Other people who start huge create projects similar to a blog or a YouTube channel or whatever will probably tell you a better reason they started theirs; it’s a passion of theirs, they want to kickstart their business, they want to spread their word around the internet, etc. At first, I started TNTH for me. I had just wrapped up my first semester of grad school at the time, and I began to feel like I had no opportunity to write creatively anymore. In order to keep myself and my writing as creative as possible, I started TNTH. The name TNTH, (or Today’s News, Tomorrow’s Headline), came about because it was the name of my Tumblr blog back when Tumblr was at its highest peak. I wanted to use Tumblr as a real blog, but quickly fell into the hole of just reblogging images from other people. So, in creating TNTH on WordPress, I wanted to share all of these things that I never did before: I wanted to give people tips on how I survived college and grad school. I wanted to talk about the type of music that other people might enjoy listening to. I wanted a platform to express my thoughts on issues without writing a novel-length status on Facebook. As I started to see what type of content I enjoyed writing, I started to realize what my purpose of TNTH really was.

I wanted to be the voice for people who were too afraid to use theirs.

As a person who was once afraid to speak up and express myself, I know how beneficial it is to read and see how other people like me got to where they are. I followed many introverts on their journeys to success and wondered just how they got to the place they are in now. It’s inspirational, it’s motivational, and it feels good to know that there are people out there just like me who are able to make their dreams come true, or just live healthier lives. It’s extremely difficult to break out of patterns you are so used to; you even start to feel if not speaking out is just a part of your personality. But, everyone deserves to be heard. Everyone deserves a chance to express who they are as people and the things that make up their being. It’s so interesting to hear other people’s and their stories; everyone has one to tell. So, I made it my mission to use TNTH as a place to place help people realize that their voices matter and that it’s their strongest and loudest instrument. It definitely became an even stronger mission when I began to struggle with my mental health late last year/this year.

So, I wish my origin story was an interesting one. I wish it was something as storytelling as some famous YouTubers in why they started their channels all those years ago. But, my story and my mission was always simple: I just want to keep my voice going, while showing people that you could have your voice heard.

So, here’s to almost two years of TNTH! Thank you guys so much for being a part of my journey, and for continuing to come back and support TNTH. If you are thinking about starting a new big project, I say go for it. Now is the right time to do something that you’re passionate about. Do it because you can at least say that you tried it out. Do it because you want to!

Just friggin’ do it already. You never know what could happen.

-Liz. (:

Self-Appreciation Saturdays, Twelve Days of TNTHmas: 2018

SAS: Stop Seeking Approval. (12/15/18)

December 15, 2018December 13, 2018 liz

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Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

One of these days, I really should thank my therapist for helping me come up with ideas for Self-Appreciation Saturdays; a lot of what we discuss are easily SAS posts within themselves. I say that because, in the recent months, we’ve both noticed a pattern of behavior that could possibly link most of my anxiety together: I’m a person that seeks approval from others.

And she’s not wrong. I know for a fact my anxiety flares up the most when I feel like I’ve disappointed another person for if I’m doing something that a loved one may not approve of, and I constantly worry about bring issues up because I don’t want to upset people in the making. It’s weird though: I find myself doing these things because they just are so natural to me when in reality, there are the same reasons why defending myself and making big decisions in my life are so hard for me to do, but that’s a different story for a different day.

What I’m trying to point out is that seeking approval from others isn’t such a foreign thing to do; many of us do that. Seeking approval from others typically stem from places of self-doubt, insecurities, and low self-esteem. It stems from a lack of self-confidence. Normally, seeking out advice is not a bad thing to do preferably for some guidance through something, seeking approval is pretty much saying that these other people have your life in their hands. You don’t allow yourself to make risky decisions and learn from them yourself. It restricts you from your freedom.

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By seeking approval, you’re losing such important parts of yourself that ultimately make you, you. You’re left living your life like a Sim character, to say the least. Your decisions are influenced by those around you, you’re left constantly telling yourself that you don’t mean shit unless someone tells you that you are validated. Your self-worth is left in the hands of other people, and I’m slowly learning that no matter how much it feels good to have other people see worth in you (I mean, doesn’t that say that to the universe that you’re a good person?), if you don’t feel that and know it for yourself, you will forever be seeking that validation of self-worth. RuPaul said it best: if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?

As a person who is actively trying to make decisions and seek validation for myself and to myself, I understand how hard it could be to break out of that toxic cycle. I know how hard it could be to not be so afraid of what other people may think or say regarding this big decision or anything regarding yourself in that matter. I know how frustrating it could be to have this desire to stop seeking approval or to had built up this courage of thinking and doing things for yourself and then ultimately regret it because you’re back to seeking that same approval from others. It’s not an easy thing to do, so please give yourself some time, patience, and persistence to achieve something to this degree. Doing this goes completely against who you are as a person and what you learned as a human being. But please, let’s stop seeking approval and start just doing because it’s our life and our decision to make.

Let your journey of self-discovery begin, guys.

-Liz. (:

Twelve Days of TNTHmas: 2018

Where I’ve Been, Where I’m At, & Where I’m Going.

December 14, 2018December 13, 2018 liz

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Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

First and foremost, I will like to welcome you guys back and I apologize for being gone for so long! A lot has happened since then, to say the least. Not only have I found some light at the end of my own personal dark tunnels, but I also learned a lot of life lessons that I hope to carry on throughout the rest of my journey, and even more so the rest of my life.

To start things off, we have to go back and explain where I’ve been. A little over a month ago, I was in a really dark place. I was diagnosed with major depression, which was something that I wasn’t shocked at. I was crying every single day, I felt like I was sad more than happy during my days, and I felt hopeless and without purpose. This time last month, I was suicidal, and it was the first time that I had a plan to execute if I were to ever get deep enough to do it. That scared me. It scared me because I felt like I was on constant survival mode, it’s like I had to protect my life from myself if that makes sense. When word came out about these suicidal thoughts to my therapist and psychiatrist, it was a lot to handle, to say the least. It was hard to explain what I was feeling in those low moments. It was hard to explain why and what was causing these thoughts to get to this place. Mostly, it was uncomfortable to hear myself voice out why I was suicidal in the first place. From that moment, I knew I had to take some time to get my life back together. It was about time I took care of myself. Along the way, I made rash decisions for a quick fix. I’m glad I was able to reverse those rash decisions now that I have a clearer mind. But the process was necessary. The process of literally sitting in my room, alone, allowed me to see that nothing and no one was going to help me out of this funk and that I needed to do this for myself in the long run.

So, in my time off, I tried to get out as much as possible. I tried to challenge my anxious thoughts and do as much as I could fit into my schedule. I went and finished my TAship this past week, I spoke at a thesis panel for another graduate class, and I spoke about my anxiety in front of an audience for the first time at an old friend & fellow writer, SparklyWarTanks, event. The more I was able to get myself out of the house and kept busy, the more I was able to focus on other things, and have things to look forward to. Slowly, I am learning that remaining productive is what keeps me going, and it keeps me focused on the task at hand. I finally feel like I’m going towards the right direction toward things, and I finally feel like I’m gaining the confidence and assertiveness I’ve been keeping in mind throughout my whole mental health journey. Of course, I am far from where I would like to be, but at least I know I’m working to get there.

As for where I’m going: I’m not sure yet.

Of course, I am taking every day one day at a time, and for a person like me it’s scary to not have a plan in order for my future, but things happen for a reason. Perhaps the path and journey I am on will lead me to bigger and better things in the future. Maybe something unexpected will come my way, maybe the work I am doing now will pay off in the future. Whatever life has in store for me, I know it was meant for me to witness, learn, and grow from the experience. The holiday season is in full swing, the new year is just weeks away, and my birthday is next month! Also, I am currently spending the weekend with an old college friend that I haven’t seen in over a year, so I’m excited to see what the future holds!

As for anyone who may be going through their own dark place currently, it will get better. You will get through whatever you may be personally going through. You are strong, you are worth it, and your life is worth living. Don’t ever stop fighting, you are worth the fight.

Here’s to 12 days of TNTHmas, and the countdown of a new year!

Happy Holidays!

-Liz. (:

Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

“It’s My Turn.”: A “Dear Jane” Letter.

November 6, 2018November 5, 2018 liz

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Hey, girl. It’s about time we had a good long talk.

First and foremost, I wanted to say thank you for teaching me a lot about life this past year. You taught me that in certain situations, there is more than meets the eye. You taught me to not be so naive to the evils in life, and that sometimes you come around because there are legitimate times where I need to protect my heart, soul, and mind from those said evils. You’ve witnessed evils enter my life in the past, and I know you’re around to help me figure out what’s real in things, and what’s there just to watch me fall.

You taught me diligence. You showed me that the things that matter in life deserve a second glance at, that you exist solely for me to be careful with the things that hold great value to me. You exist because a deeper part of me is trying to tell my body that I can do better, be better, and grow without losing the things that make me, me.

You taught me patience. You proved to me time and time again you’re a force to be wrecking with, and that this time, you were not going away unnoticed and unheard. I heard you that one night when I wandered in my neighborhood five days before Christmas wondering how my life got this fucking shitty in a matter of months. I heard you crying out the night I cried out while writing a thesis draft, working on a group presentation, and writing a short paper all due on the same day. I heard you screaming that one night where I couldn’t breathe and couldn’t put in words to my partner what was happening to me. I heard you, and I’m patient with you. You showed me that my coping mechanisms weren’t going to work this time; I was not a teenager anymore that had most of her life planned out by her family. I’m a twenty-four-year-old woman with no one holding my hand anymore because I’m the one holding it.

You taught me acceptance. You made it known that you exist, and all you wanted for me to do was accept you for what you are; that you are a hot mess living in the gray areas of life, not ever having a definite answer about what’s the right or wrong way to things. That you are sadness and self-judgment and low self-esteem that built itself from middle-school bullies, misunderstandings, failed relationships, emotional abuse, weight-gain and unhealthy solutions to these issues. You are fear of never being good enough, you are a comfort zone, you are a villain. But you are also a part of me that will never completely vanish; yeah you may become less malicious, but you are a part of me as I’m a part of you. Because of that, I accept you for your flaws, and I’m not ashamed to speak about you for my own well-being.

Lastly, you taught me self-awareness. You taught me that there are parts that are dark, sad, fearful, and worried; the opposite of what I try to portray to everyone else. You made me aware of my human-ness again, that I’m allowed to be sad and have bad days. I’m allowed to cry. I’m allowed to be cautious. I’m allowed to be afraid and scared. I’m allowed to go through the spectrum of emotions that make me human, and that these demons that reside in me have been living in me for far too long. You showed me that I’m going through a transition in life that was not meant to be easy, but to get through it, I needed to be honest with my complete self, which meant that my toxic and bad traits needed to be aware of.

While I am thankful for you teaching me these things, I’ve noticed you overstayed your welcome. You’ve started to take over parts of me that are damaging to my body and my outside world. You seem to be making me hate myself more often. You seem to be encouraging behavior in me that I will not tolerate.

With that being said, I am picking up where you left off, and healing in a way that benefits me.

Every day, I am finding new ways to take care of me and this body, all in while trying to live my life as a young adult. I am finding ways to manage your erratic outbursts, I am trying to not let you make me believe that I’m in this alone and that I don’t deserve anyone, ever. I am worthy of good things, I am worthy of laughter, I am worthy of happiness without the constant wonder of its authenticity. As I’m taking the necessary steps forward to grow, prosper, accept, and to honestly just live, I am also learning how to overcome you.

Thank you for teaching me all these things that make up my being, but it’s time for me to use them on my own.

It’s my turn.

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Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Your Voice Matters. (11/3/18)

November 3, 2018October 30, 2018 liz

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Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

With November just making its entrance, you all must’ve heard to get up off your asses and vote in this year’s election! Although the Presidental election isn’t for another 2 years, it is extremely important to not make the same mistake we made during the last presidential election in 2016. So please, go and register to vote!

I say this because, in every aspect of your life, your voice matters. You are allowed to be heard. You have the right to express yourself and use your voice hopefully for good. Spread awareness about the things that matter the most, like expressing outrage of the Trump Administration trying to erase the identities of transgender people currently happening and how he wants to abolish the 14th Amendment by ending birthright citizenship. Express yourself on issues such as discrimination and injustice, women’s rights, mental health; pretty much everything that matters right now in the world.

I will be the first to admit that I take my voice for granted. I sometimes feel like my voice is just one little squeaky thing in a room full of louder, better people. Sometimes, I fail to realize that all voices are voices, period. They express, they discuss, they have something to say, and taking it for granted isn’t right. We live in such a progressive time where changing the status quo and changing the type of voices being spoken for us need to change.

Using your voice is more than just speaking out. It’s writing your truth for awareness. It’s getting up from your house and taking a stance at a voting booth and vote for change in our democracy. It’s standing up for a person who is forced to be silent. Using your voice is about being outspoken in so many different areas, and truly not giving a fuck what anyone thinks or says about you.

I speak because I was told my anxiety and my mental health didn’t matter at one point. I speak because I was mentally abused. I speak because I have people in my life who I love that are being targeted by either having them killed or having their identities erased as if they aren’t real fucking human beings. I speak because I am tired of being afraid to speak when I know that my voice matters.

Many of us are tired of being silenced in one aspect of our lives, and it’s slowly changing.

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-Liz. (:

Topic Tuesdays: Music

October 2018 Music Favorites! 🎃

October 30, 2018October 24, 2018 liz

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Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

It’s been a hot minute since we’ve spoken about music on this blog! In all honesty, there just hasn’t been a lot of great music out for a while, but boy did October come through with some goodies!

Like old times, I’ll be talking about some of my favorites, and my own personal Spotify playlist will be linked at the bottom!

Without further ado, let’s begin!

Continue reading “October 2018 Music Favorites! 🎃” →

Self-Appreciation Saturdays

SAS: Healing Isn’t a Product, it’s a Process. (10/27/18)

October 27, 2018October 26, 2018 liz

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

Raise your hand if this week was an extremely stressful and long one for you. I’m raising both of my hands if that helps explain the week I had. It’s okay to have those types of weeks; you are only human, remember? We feel a wide range of emotions on the daily, and that includes all the negative ones that contribute to our bad days, our bad weeks, and even our bad months.

Healing isn’t a product, nor will it ever feel like we’ve been completely healed. Healing is a long, exhausting, and tedious process, and even then we aren’t that sure how long we’ll be okay for.

I’ve come to this realization when I finally thought that I had my life figured out and controlled just a little over a month ago. I was managing my anxiety pretty well, I was leaving my house more often and being sociable, and I felt like my self-image was getting better by the days. Then suddenly, that switch went off.

To keep some of these things private as I deal with them in real time, I will not be getting into extreme details of what’s been going on with me. I am currently trying to deal with it, and I would like for only the people I already told what’s been happening to be the only people who know. But to summarize it all: my healing process took a wrong turn.

What I’ve learned about healing and its process is that it’s an extremely difficult one. It’s a series of ups and downs and uncertainty that will never have an answer. You can never be completely healed; you may heal from past experiences or dilemmas that bothered you, but who’s to say when a new situation comes about, you won’t be affected by it? I guess my point is that healing is never a product. It’s not a thing that you’ve mastered in life. It’s always going to be a process, and that process is different for everybody, every scenario, and every stage/phase in your life.

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For those who are reading this and are in a similar state of mind, be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself in any way possible. I know personally how lonely it could be being in such a process where you think others don’t understand you or you think others are judging you; there’s a chance there is someone in your life who will listen and comfort you because they care about your well being. Sometimes, it’s the negative thoughts that are stopping you, not your fears of speaking out. I am not speaking as a survivor of this “stage in life”, I am speaking as a person currently going through it and trying to get better as well. It’s hard, it’s sacrificial, and it makes you focus and see things that you repressed in your memory and soul for months, even years on end. But the best things in life aren’t easy to get, and your process and journey of healing are worth going through to become a better version of you.

-Liz. (:

Topic Tuesdays: Raw & Personal

“I am a Resentful Person”: A Revelation.

October 24, 2018October 24, 2018 liz

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I learned something new about myself last week in therapy.

I had been nervous and anxious about going to my session this particular week. I really only get this way when I try to bring up something that I’m ashamed of, or that I’m already secretly judging myself for doing. See, if there was one thing that I’ve learned being in therapy for the past 5 and a half months, it’s that it’s better if I’m being completely honest to myself, about myself, and with myself. I have to remind myself on these days that therapy isn’t a place of judgment, it’s a safe space to talk out these thoughts without feeling like I’m the stupidest person in the world.

In this particular session, I told my therapist about some behavior I found myself doing during certain moments of my day; many of them were when I felt a lack of control of my own life and the situations surrounding it that may not be in my control. I was glad she didn’t stare at me like I had 15 heads but bringing this certain thing up (which I will like to keep private for now) caused me having to bring up other things that I honestly haven’t thought about in a while.

It’s no stranger that I had a very dark past a couple of years ago. I share that part of my life to not just help other people overcome similar struggles, but for me to overcome it myself. A lot of the issues I carry on in my everyday life stem from various places within that time: I avoid confrontation like the goddamn plague, I am afraid of being assertive, and I easily dissociate whenever things get bad between me and people in general. While it’s not hard for me to talk about that part of my life because I took responsibility in playing bad parts of it, I still find it hard to forgive myself for my actions to this very day. It’s painful to reflect and it’s extremely hard not to be full of regret. Half of that reason was that I’m just naturally extremely hard on myself, the other half is because I never got proper closure, and probably never will.

I guess you can say that I hold onto grudges against everyone that was involved in that time of my life.

In general, I always thought I held onto grudges. I seemed to be the person that never ended things in a good way. When things got messy and rough and too much for me to handle, I vanish. I leave people behind without explanation and act like they never existed. I lived my life like this because I always thought I was forgettable; I was nothing special to remember. But doing that never left me feeling good; it just leaves me with painful memories and regrets and shame that I quickly have to get over before I dive into the “I fucking hate myself” part of my brain.

I reminded my therapist that the grudge I keep currently reminds me a lot about the one I kept since my dark past: Both dealt with people who were narcissistic, selfish, toxic, and manipulative. Both people left me in a state of loneliness and sadness, yet didn’t recognize the damage they have caused. The person from the past never apologized for putting me in a state so far in depression I was ready to kill myself. The person in my life currently never apologized for their behavior and hurting my family and myself. Because of that, I cannot “forgive and forget”. I cannot excuse the behavior and manipulation for pure “sickness and immaturity”. I cannot see them as good, changeable people anymore.

“Well, that’s not holding a grudge, Liz. That’s feeling resentment towards these people.”

What the fuck was the difference? Wasn’t being resentful just as equally bad as holding grudges? I didn’t know if my therapist was just trying to comfort me or spit out some true facts at me, but I was left confused. I asked her how are they different? Aren’t they both just as bad? Aren’t they both negative things I don’t wanna have to keep feeling?

“Holding a grudge and being resentful are two different effects that can come from a similar background. From a psychological standpoint, holding a grudge typically occurs when a person has owned up to their wrongdoings and took responsibilities for their actions in treating you unfairly, and perhaps you’ve forgiven them, but you never really will forgive them for what they did, no matter how much they’ve proven to be better people now. Being resentful is when the person who treated you unfairly never apologized or took into consideration that their actions affected you in any way, even if they changed for the better or don’t reflect the type of person they were during the time they treated you poorly.

You’re resentful, which isn’t such a bad thing to be. You may not completely see it now, but you’re acknowledging your self-worth and showcasing assertiveness by being resentful. You demand an apology when someone has disrespected you or has done something to negatively affect you in some way because you know you deserve it. Because many people are not willing to swallow their pride in order to take on such big responsibilities like that, you don’t wait long for that apology. Hence, you feel resentment towards the people who treated you unfairly.”

I was in complete shock. It explained so many things about my life and myself that I was never able to answer. Why did I allow people to hurt me to the point of no return? Why wasn’t I ever able to talk things out with people in my past and move past those wrongdoings in our lives? Was it really me running away to avoid confrontation or did I always knew how much I really deserved out of people and out of life in general? I thought I was always the bad person for “holding grudges”. I thought I was petty or spiteful if I still felt negative things about a person way after things changed or after I moved on. Why would these random people, who I do not miss having in my life whatsoever, bring me some sort of post-trauma? Why would those things that happened to me all those years ago influence how I resolve issues with people in general? Am I now a bad person for constantly running away from people, and pretend they never existed? Am I only hurting myself in the end?

I’ve realized that I had no control in “holding my grudges”, which is why I always thought I was this horrible person. I couldn’t see past all the harassment, manipulation, and threats. I couldn’t see past the catalyst for my major depression and suicidal thoughts. I simply couldn’t forgive.

But what is there to forgive if nothing was ever apologized for?

And that’s where it clicked.

I left my therapy session feeling a lot better than how I entered it. It had felt like I lifted six years of weight off of my shoulders and I was finally able to breathe again. In a sense, I was also able to lift my current resentment towards family off of my shoulders as well. I was able to be okay to feel the way I felt about these two separate situations, and it was okay for me to move on without feeling like I’m this “petty” person for not forgiving people who never apologized for hurting me or abusing me verbally and mentally. People who never took responsibility for their actions and never apologized for heir behavior is not worthy for you to just drop it and act like nothing happened. At the end of the day, you are not wrong for still being resentful towards a person who has hurt you and never cared about/acknowledged the fact that you were mistreated.

We tend to forget that people are actual fucking human beings; we forget that we all have real human, complex emotions that have opinions and thoughts about everything in life. When we unintentionally hurt people, we have to know how it feels to be in their shoes. You have to see things their way and ask yourself what was it that made them upset or mad at you in the first place. We then get a sense of the idea of what made them feel this way, and we apologize for unintentionally hurting them. No one is ever not going to apologize for unintentionally hurting someone unless you don’t plan on seeing things through the other person’s eyes. If you can’t sit back and reflect on your actions toward that person and think how it made them felt, you aren’t going to feel like there’s a reason to apologize. And that’s when resentment builds. If you would like someone to apologize to you when you are hurt, apologize to the people that you’ve hurt.

Just how being selfish with yourself doesn’t make you an asshole, feeling resentful because you know you’re worthy for apologies isn’t selfish. It’s wanting what you give back. It’s about getting respect. It’s about being honest and truthful and doing the right thing in situations.

I know the people in my life who I resent will never offer me any type of an apology, and I’m okay with that. I’m okay knowing that there are people who will acknowledge and apologize, and others will ignore and move on. I’m a resentful person, and as of now, I am happy that I am. I am still learning how to pick all the weeds and keep the flowers like Kelly Clarkson once said! I am allowed to hold resentment towards people who’ve hurt me the most, but I also know when to move on and start prioritizing my needs and my self-worth. Maybe part of my process right now is being resentful.

Be kind, but be assertive for your respect. You deserve it just as much as the next person, Y’all.

-Liz. (: