Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!
First and foremost, I will like to welcome you guys back and I apologize for being gone for so long! A lot has happened since then, to say the least. Not only have I found some light at the end of my own personal dark tunnels, but I also learned a lot of life lessons that I hope to carry on throughout the rest of my journey, and even more so the rest of my life.
To start things off, we have to go back and explain where I’ve been. A little over a month ago, I was in a really dark place. I was diagnosed with major depression, which was something that I wasn’t shocked at. I was crying every single day, I felt like I was sad more than happy during my days, and I felt hopeless and without purpose. This time last month, I was suicidal, and it was the first time that I had a plan to execute if I were to ever get deep enough to do it. That scared me. It scared me because I felt like I was on constant survival mode, it’s like I had to protect my life from myself if that makes sense. When word came out about these suicidal thoughts to my therapist and psychiatrist, it was a lot to handle, to say the least. It was hard to explain what I was feeling in those low moments. It was hard to explain why and what was causing these thoughts to get to this place. Mostly, it was uncomfortable to hear myself voice out why I was suicidal in the first place. From that moment, I knew I had to take some time to get my life back together. It was about time I took care of myself. Along the way, I made rash decisions for a quick fix. I’m glad I was able to reverse those rash decisions now that I have a clearer mind. But the process was necessary. The process of literally sitting in my room, alone, allowed me to see that nothing and no one was going to help me out of this funk and that I needed to do this for myself in the long run.
So, in my time off, I tried to get out as much as possible. I tried to challenge my anxious thoughts and do as much as I could fit into my schedule. I went and finished my TAship this past week, I spoke at a thesis panel for another graduate class, and I spoke about my anxiety in front of an audience for the first time at an old friend & fellow writer, SparklyWarTanks, event. The more I was able to get myself out of the house and kept busy, the more I was able to focus on other things, and have things to look forward to. Slowly, I am learning that remaining productive is what keeps me going, and it keeps me focused on the task at hand. I finally feel like I’m going towards the right direction toward things, and I finally feel like I’m gaining the confidence and assertiveness I’ve been keeping in mind throughout my whole mental health journey. Of course, I am far from where I would like to be, but at least I know I’m working to get there.
As for where I’m going: I’m not sure yet.
Of course, I am taking every day one day at a time, and for a person like me it’s scary to not have a plan in order for my future, but things happen for a reason. Perhaps the path and journey I am on will lead me to bigger and better things in the future. Maybe something unexpected will come my way, maybe the work I am doing now will pay off in the future. Whatever life has in store for me, I know it was meant for me to witness, learn, and grow from the experience. The holiday season is in full swing, the new year is just weeks away, and my birthday is next month! Also, I am currently spending the weekend with an old college friend that I haven’t seen in over a year, so I’m excited to see what the future holds!
As for anyone who may be going through their own dark place currently, it will get better. You will get through whatever you may be personally going through. You are strong, you are worth it, and your life is worth living. Don’t ever stop fighting, you are worth the fight.
Here’s to 12 days of TNTHmas, and the countdown of a new year!