“It’s My Turn.”: A “Dear Jane” Letter.

Hey, girl. It’s about time we had a good long talk.

First and foremost, I wanted to say thank you for teaching me a lot about life this past year. You taught me that in certain situations, there is more than meets the eye. You taught me to not be so naive to the evils in life, and that sometimes you come around because there are legitimate times where I need to protect my heart, soul, and mind from those said evils. You’ve witnessed evils enter my life in the past, and I know you’re around to help me figure out what’s real in things, and what’s there just to watch me fall.

You taught me diligence. You showed me that the things that matter in life deserve a second glance at, that you exist solely for me to be careful with the things that hold great value to me. You exist because a deeper part of me is trying to tell my body that I can do better, be better, and grow without losing the things that make me, me.

You taught me patience. You proved to me time and time again you’re a force to be wrecking with, and that this time, you were not going away unnoticed and unheard. I heard you that one night when I wandered in my neighborhood five days before Christmas wondering how my life got this fucking shitty in a matter of months. I heard you crying out the night I cried out while writing a thesis draft, working on a group presentation, and writing a short paper all due on the same day. I heard you screaming that one night where I couldn’t breathe and couldn’t put in words to my partner what was happening to me. I heard you, and I’m patient with you. You showed me that my coping mechanisms weren’t going to work this time; I was not a teenager anymore that had most of her life planned out by her family. I’m a twenty-four-year-old woman with no one holding my hand anymore because I’m the one holding it.

You taught me acceptance. You made it known that you exist, and all you wanted for me to do was accept you for what you are; that you are a hot mess living in the gray areas of life, not ever having a definite answer about what’s the right or wrong way to things. That you are sadness and self-judgment and low self-esteem that built itself from middle-school bullies, misunderstandings, failed relationships, emotional abuse, weight-gain and unhealthy solutions to these issues. You are fear of never being good enough, you are a comfort zone, you are a villain. But you are also a part of me that will never completely vanish; yeah you may become less malicious, but you are a part of me as I’m a part of you. Because of that, I accept you for your flaws, and I’m not ashamed to speak about you for my own well-being.

Lastly, you taught me self-awareness. You taught me that there are parts that are dark, sad, fearful, and worried; the opposite of what I try to portray to everyone else. You made me aware of my human-ness again, that I’m allowed to be sad and have bad days. I’m allowed to cry. I’m allowed to be cautious. I’m allowed to be afraid and scared. I’m allowed to go through the spectrum of emotions that make me human, and that these demons that reside in me have been living in me for far too long. You showed me that I’m going through a transition in life that was not meant to be easy, but to get through it, I needed to be honest with my complete self, which meant that my toxic and bad traits needed to be aware of. 

While I am thankful for you teaching me these things, I’ve noticed you overstayed your welcome. You’ve started to take over parts of me that are damaging to my body and my outside world. You seem to be making me hate myself more often. You seem to be encouraging behavior in me that I will not tolerate.

With that being said, I am picking up where you left off, and healing in a way that benefits me. 

Every day, I am finding new ways to take care of me and this body, all in while trying to live my life as a young adult. I am finding ways to manage your erratic outbursts, I am trying to not let you make me believe that I’m in this alone and that I don’t deserve anyone, ever. I am worthy of good things, I am worthy of laughter, I am worthy of happiness without the constant wonder of its authenticity. As I’m taking the necessary steps forward to grow, prosper, accept, and to honestly just live, I am also learning how to overcome you.

Thank you for teaching me all these things that make up my being, but it’s time for me to use them on my own.

It’s my turn.