Blogust 2020: The Series, Music Reviews, Topic Tuesdays: Music

Day 11: A Kpop Trash’s Thoughts on Seungwoo’s Solo Album, “Fame”.

liz
mars; 𝐅𝐀𝐌𝐄 𝐀𝐔𝐆𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝟏𝟎 (@hanseungwoah) | Twitter

Hey, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

This has been a summer of a lifetime for me, let’s just say that.

If I had to sum up my summer 2020 in one word, it would be KPop. I started my collection during this time, I’ve made some really great friendships in this community, and a ton of new music came out. My wallet was crying, y’all.

But the most exciting thing I was looking forward to was Victon’s Seungwoo and his solo debut! It was announced back in June that he was releasing his solo album in August and well, it came out yesterday and wow, I have some thoughts on this bad boy.

*Also note that the English translations for the titles written in Hangul could be inaccurate!

1.) “Fever”

So, the album starts off with this banger, first of all. If you followed Seungwoo’s documentary-style series on the Victon YouTube channel, we were teased with the hook of this song during it’s lyric-making process. A common theme I sense in this song and in a lot of the other tracks was that want for need for comfort, which homie was not lying about when he said that this album is those who need comfort. “Fever”, in my opinion, felt like the second title track; I felt like this song could’ve been the more pop-style title track that I believe would’ve been okay as a title track, but I’m glad it’s not for reasons we will discuss in the next song! This is definitely a song I’ll have to listen to more and grow with, but for now – she’s a strong start to a highly anticipated album.

2.) “Sacrifice”

When I tell you this title track is possibly the strongest and well distributed songs on the album! “Sacrifice” is the title track that shows Seungwoo’s abilities to rap and sing and do it flawlessly in a track. People who were introduced to Seungwoo through X1 and PDX101 (like myself) didn’t get to see much of Seungwoo’s rapping skills, which is what he occasionally does in some Victon’s songs following Hanse, their main rapper. So lyrically in this song is about needing to give up something that you love, but ultimately it will always be a aprt of you… I suck at translations but that’s the gist of it, haha. This song has a nice balance of both the rap side of Seungwoo and vocal side because, oof the high note he hits at the end is deadly. Also, the rap part will forever be stuck in my head because it’s just so fucking catchy and good and UGH – this is such a strong title track, especially one that is considered a debut.

3.) “Reply”

This song is the song you listen to in your car, driving down a street on a hot summer day with your shades on and top down. It’s typically a song not waiting to wait around for a reply but feeling uneasy about being alone, which I could be This has such a summer feel, and it instantly makes me smile. It also has a nostalgic sound, to both 2000’s R&B music and even to some earlier Victon music with some hip-hop flare to it. It’s definitely much the sound that Seungwoo would come out with, it’s classic Seungwoo and I think it was a good idea for him to have a on this debut to showcase that sound that we’ve been familiar with in a lot of his Soundcloud related songs.

4.) “I Just Want Love”

If there was a genre (which there probably is) that was called “Kpop baby-making music”, this song would fall under that genre. This song is definitely my favorite b-side of the album. The beat instantly gave me some 2000’s R&B Usher vibes, and I mean it’s a hell of a sexy song. The lyrics mimic that whole sexy vibe that clearly is saying like… oof I’m hella feeling you and your vibe right now. If there’s one thing Seungwoo can do well, he does sexy extremely well and this song showcases that. To his breathy tone and his falsetto and the infamous moan-like singing he’s known for doing, this song will get you hella flustered. I know it did for me. I feel like Seungwoo really shines in this song and the chorus… first of all he opens the chorus with “baby, melt me in your arms” and then ends with “I just want love!” And his high notes like, what?! This song is just everything and a certified bop.

5.) “forest”

“forest” is the first slow/ballad-like song on the album; he teased that this song was meant for his fans that those who feel like they need comfort, he will provide that by being our forest, which is really beautiful. The lyrics (in the best translation possible at the moment) speaks directly to someone; a friend, a loved one – or in this case – his fans, and let’s them know that if they every feel lonely or need some comfort, he’s there to “be their forest”. I like the very chill melody behind this sing; it still carries a momentum like the other, upbeat songs have, but this song does carry this comfort and chill vibe that is even soothing at some points. Seungwoo has a very soothing voice, even when it’s in a higher pitch and falsetto-like. I really enjoy this song and I honestly think it’s a great song (in my opinion) that can help calm people down and ease their mind. It does for me.

6.) “Child”

I love the guitar playing in the track! It’s so simple with just Seungwoo’s vocal and the guitar playing; you can definitely tell there’s some influence behind this song to Dean’s “Instagram”. It mimics that energy, but is also so different in its own way. It also has a very similar sound to Seungyoun’s music, which I mean, I always believed that they had a very similar musical taste, but yeah! I really enjoy the calmness in this song as well! Lyrics wise, I can honestly relate when he still feels like a child in the world despite being an adult and like, honestly that’s a big mood.

As someone who’s followed his journey for a year now, I am immensely proud he got the opportunity to make his solo debut because he’s fucking talented and it needed its own album to showcase that. Seungwoo has been showcasing some of his skills behind the scenes for awhile now; he’s been helping write lyrics and rap verses for Victon songs ever since their debut in 2016 and this album proves that he’s able to do that for himself, and on his own. You can tell this project meant so much to him and it extraordinarily shows through the final product. Wooya, fighting (or Sacrifighting!)

Victon Members supporting their hyung: a whole vibe.
Blogust 2020: The Series, Creative Pieces

Day 10: “He’s Just Like You” – A Scene.

liz
Why Hospitals Started Displaying Newborn Babies Through Windows ...

The sky outside is pink from the snow falling from the night sky. The halls are full of doctors passing through to different rooms, but it’s still considerably quiet in the hospital.

A woman in a beige wool coat and red curly hair wet from the falling snow, Jennifer, is standing front of a window looking into a room. She doesn’t move, she just stands there in awe of what it’s in front of her.

Moments later, a man in a black trench coat and dreadlocks, Milo, walks towards Jennifer. When he reaches her, he puts a hand on her shoulder. She looks back at Milo, first a little startled but once she realizes who it is, she’s relaxed. Milo smiles at Jennifer and stands next to her. He looks at the window into the room full of newborn babies. They instantly find the one named “Dahlia Kamalani”.

Milo: She’s really pretty.

Jennifer: *smiles* Very pretty.

Jennifer looks intently at the newborn baby.

Jennifer: Rosie told me that Micah named her.

Milo: *interested* Really? I didn’t think he would, considering the circumstances.

Jennifer: She said that she had been hearing Micah call her Dahlia for months. When she asked him how he came up with the name. He told her the story I used to read him when he was kid; “Dahlia the Duckling”. The story about the duckling that felt like she didn’t belong but in the end she embraces her differences and is still able to have the other animals in the lake love her for who she was, not how she looked. *nostalgic* God, he used to love that story.

Milo takes his arm and wraps it around Jennifer for comfort. She takes a deep breath to control her watery eyes.

Milo: Maybe he’ll read it to Dahlia when she gets a little older.

Jennifer smiles at the thought. Milo takes in a deep breath.

Milo: The more than Micah grows up, the more I see how much he takes after you.

Jennifer looks at Milo, wondering what he meant by that.

Jennifer: If you mean his rebellious teenage years when we constantly held our breath every time his school called, then I think we established that already.

Milo: I mean, you’re not wrong…

Jennifer nudges Milo, he laughs.

Milo: Although he got his rebellious nature from you, I think he got more than just that.

Jennifer: Like what?

Milo looks down at Jennifer, and then back into the nursery.

Milo: He took Dahlia in as his own, the same way you took Milo in.

Jennifer stands there in deep thought. She remembers when her and Milo were teenagers themselves, Milo just had his son, Milo Jr, and the unfortunate events of his girlfriend passing away put him in the toughest place possible. Jennifer remembers the tiredness and the complete defeat in his eyes when he showed up on her doorstep with Milo Jr in a carrier, a backpack, and a suitcase. Thankfully her family was understanding for taking in Milo when he needed the help the most, and something just instantly clicked with her and Milo Jr. She was never maternal, but the way she cared for Milo Jr and helped Milo take care of him made it feel like it was something she was always meant to do. She never wanted to replace Milo Jr’s mother, but she wanted to be a person in his life that he can go to when things got shaky or when his father was being too tough on him.

In a sense, she feels like she treats Micah, her first biological child, the same way Milo treated his firstborn: over-protective, a little disapproving at times, and worrisome. Jennifer is constantly worrying about the decisions Micah make or the things he does as he gets older. At first, she was completely against this idea that Micah will step in and help Rosie take care of her baby when it wasn’t even his to take care of. Seeing Micah become the man that he is today and not the little boy that clung onto her every time she took him to school, makes her proud but also sullen.

Jennifer: There was something about Milo that was easy to help care of. Of course, I did it because you were my best friend; I’d do anything for you.

Milo: I mean, Micah sees the same in Rosie, don’t you think? I mean, why else would our 24-year-old son take in a child that is not his if he didn’t see Rosie the way you saw me?

Jennifer looks at Milo, uneasy.

Jennifer: You think she loves him, Mi?

Milo is a little taken back from the question.

Milo: I don’t think that baby’s last name would be his if she didn’t, babe. But I know you already know that. You’re asking because he’s your firstborn, and you worry about him.

Jennifer: *noticeably relieved* I know I wasn’t like this with Milo, and I mean I worried about him at Micah’s age and everything, and I worry about the girls, but… Micah is just…

Milo: Micah is different, Pep. He always will be. He’s your first born, your rainbow baby. Practically your twin.

Jennifer: Were you this way with Milo?

Milo: *obvious* Oh my god, babe, you know how stressed I was with Milo when we found out Sophia was pregnant with Summer. You went through it with me.

Jennifer: I know, I know but honestly… *looks at Milo* does this feeling ever go away?

Milo: Sadly, it doesn’t. Firstborns will be the reason parents will prematurely go gray. Don’t worry, when Dahlia grows up, Micah’s hair will be fully white by the time he’s in his mid-30’s… I’m surprised I’m not fully gray yet after the girls started to grow up.

Jennifer: *laughs* Reagan and Dylan just turned 18, Mi, they’ll give you something to go gray for.

Milo takes in a deep breath; he’s not ready to have that conversation.

Milo: I hope Micah knows what he’s getting himself into, but I know he wouldn’t do anything else different.

Both of their eyes meet the glass when they see Dahlia wake up from her sleep. She has the deepest honey brown eyes, and already a head of mousey brown curly hair. She looks exactly like Rosie; they could even be twins. Jennifer smiles at the cooing baby through the glass window. Milo hugs Jennifer.

Milo: Another grandchild to put on our list, babe… gosh, we are only turning 50 this year and we already have three grandchildren…

Jennifer laughs an authentic, hearty laugh, which still do this day makes Milo the happiest. They watch the nurse pick up Dahlia and rock her for a bit. There’s no denying the fact that they both already love Dahlia.

— The End —

Blogust 2020: The Series

Day 9: Making Lifestyle Changes with an Anxiety Disorder.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, a lot of things have been changing in my life recently. I feel like the person I was even back at the beginning of the summer was not the same place that present me is in now. It’s a little scary, but I feel like I’m more than ready, especially now, to take on these changes.

For starters, I might be returning back to work soon! It’s been 5 months since I last had a day of work and now that the pandemic is slowing down here in NYC, we’re all are getting back to our lives in somewhat a normal (new normal) way.

I’m a little nervous to get back to it because I feel like I will need to relearn everything I knew before. I’m sure many of us who are returning are going to need just a day of relearning things, but I know myself well enough that I would get back into the swing of things once I’m physically there and going back to my routine.

Another major thing that is changing is also my lifestyle. Within the next couple of months, I’ll be finally prepping myself for bariatric surgery; it requires a lot of sacrifices and a complete change within my lifestyle. I can’t lie, it’s been causing me a lot of anxiety lately because I feel like I don’t have much self-control to ever majorly change my lifestyle in the way that I have to for this surgery. In other words, I feel like even if I slip up for a day or two, I would be extremely hard on myself for lacking discipline. I know it’s not going to be an easy transition and I know I will fail here and there while adjusting, but knowing that fact scares me.

Also, let me just slip the fact that any change whatsoever scares the living shit out of me.

Dealing with an anxiety disorder, no matter what spectrum its on, it makes change extremely worrisome. We work the best when we have a routine packed down; we feel the most comfortable when he know what’s going to happen, how’s it gonna happen, and when it’s going to happen. It’s knowing that we’re not threatened when things happen and that we don’t feel so overwhelmed when things don’t go as planned.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we hate change, because we don’t know how it’ll affect our already established routines.

For me, I’ve been personally writing in what I call a anxiety journal; I wanted to write out my anxieties as they happen just so they don’t linger on my mind for too long! For the most part, it’s been working; it’s given me a place where I can talk thing out with myself and possibly resolve any worries I have about things. Of course, it’s not going to be the solution for every anxiety I deal with, but it’s still a good alternative to resolve some of them out.

Although many of these new lifestyle changes are up and coming and I have to start getting used to them, I know that in the wrong run that they will become a part of my routine and it won’t be as scary as it is now.

Embrace some changes, especially if they are positive changes.

Blogust 2020: The Series, Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: The August Memories.

liz

August has become one of the hardest months to go through for the many memories it carries.

Hi, my name is Liz, and I remember same of the most life-changing things that happen in August that I wish to one day forget completely.

Two years ago on August 18th, 2018, my family and I went to a mass for my grandfather who passed away just weeks prior due to lung cancer. His life span went from two months to two weeks, to then the following day finding out he passed on. I want to say our family hasn’t been the same since then and I don’t think we ever will be; he held us together like glue. Now? Well, we’d be lucky if we see each other twice a year or something. That day, I saw my entire family cry and for the first time since his death, I quietly mourned his loss. I’m not good with death and I always believed my role in the family was to be the strong one, but I was allow to cry and grieve that day. I didn’t. I didn’t grieve my grandfather’s death until I was by myself, in the shower, where no one was able to hear my cries.

One year ago, on August 19th, 2019, the decade-long relationship I had ended in a mutual agreement. Things were said to each other and we both know that our journey together was coming to an end. We had broken up way too many times before to not feel like it was time to officially call it quits. I remember simply asking my ex “what do you want?” and he asked, “from you?” and I just said, “for yourself.” It was the first time that I admitted out loud that I wasn’t in any position to love another person because I didn’t love myself. I knew I was doing nothing but hurting my ex by checking out, and it was my responsibility that I didn’t speak up sooner in hopes I’d feel better or be better. But, your soul just doesn’t work that way. She tells you when it’s time to let go and move on and she sticks to her word.

This happened the late-night before my first day at my first job. I was nervous about starting something completely new and ironically I was ending something that had been in my life for the last decade. I cried over the phone for hours, fearing that I was losing the one person in my life I thought loved me for me. I wanted to work things out, but I also knew that I needed to be on my own for a bit and figure out what I needed for myself. In hindsight, I feel guilty that my relationship had to be the thing I sacrificed in order to do that, but there was reason why it was sacrificed in the first place.

I woke up to then start my first day at my new job at the bookstore. I walked in and saw two people and my manager standing behind the register area, and I simply said, “hi, I’m Liz, ‘m here for the training…” With two other newcomers that day, I simply distracted myself from what had happened the night prior. None of the people at my job knew who I was, I guess I played the role of “normal young adult” well enough to the point that they didn’t know that my first day was the day my relationship ended until I told them once we got close.

One year ago, on August 25th, 2019, I cut myself for the first time since July 7th, 2013. I was on the phone with my ex, again trying to talk everything out and say everything that needed to be said in order to move on. It turned into an argument. It turned into a full-blown fight. I don’t remember the specific details because I used to dissociate whenever I was being yelled at or in a confrontation, but I remember feeling like all I wanted was someone to see that I wasn’t okay, that the way I’ve been acting and the way I’ve been for the longest time was because my depressive episodes were at its worst, that no, my depression wasn’t just the normal routine for nervousness at a new environment, my depression was the kind that those around me are empathetic about because they are afraid they’ll lose them to suicide. I just wanted someone to take my mental health seriously for once, and my scars on my arm was the only visible way to show people I am not okay. In hindsight, it was extremely unhealthy of me, but in that moment when I wanted someone to see me, I didn’t care.

The following day, on August 26th, 2019, it was the official first day of RUSH at the bookstore. Once my name tag went around my neck and I walked into that store to clock-in, I was “Hi, how can I help you?” Liz, not the “I cut the shit out of myself and the bruises are hiding under my sleeve because I’m deeply depressed” Liz.

Two years in a row, I lost two people who absolutely meant the most to me in this world.

My grandfather was the voice of wisdom, even when sometimes his age showed in his beliefs. My grandfather was my grandfather, despite him not being my biological grandfather. He took care of my sister and I since we were little kids; treated us like his own whenever we used to visit him and my grandmother just a block away from our house and eventually in Pennsylvania. He was tough, but he had a heart of gold and he was fearless. If he were to still be alive during this time of self-discovery and emancipation from my past, I believe he would be proud of me for doing something that was fearless. I believe he would still love the person that I am today.

My ex was my best friend before anything else, and to this day it still hurts that in this process of ending our relationship, I lost a best friend. I lost the friend that helped me pay for textbooks whenever I couldn’t cover them. I lost the friend that came to my uncle’s funeral to be by my side for a moment. I lost the friend that I used to support when it came to their wildest dreams. I lost the friend that was an amazing friend, and parts of me wish I haven’t fallen in love and made things complicated with our feelings. Unfortunately, things happen and if you sacrifice one aspect of the relationship, you sacrifice the whole thing, especially when both relationships were so intertwined with one another. I didn’t lose a partner that night over the phone, I lost my best friend.

Perhaps these are just some of the reasons why I’m so afraid to get too close to people. I’m afraid I’ll lose them, I’m afraid things will get complicated to the point you have to let them go, I’m afraid that one day I’ll say “see you later” and it ultimately turns into the last goodbye. I’m afraid of letting people too close to my heart. I can pour out my heart and tell you my history and my story because hey, I’m a writer, I tell my story almost in every post I write. What I don’t do often is let people live in my heart, just because it’s been broken so many times whenever someone moved out of it.

Theses August memories are some of the memories I still mourn, no matter how many years pass by and no matter how much I’m now in a better place. These August memories are some of the moments that make up my being as of today, and hopefully I am able to forgive myself and these memories and move on from them like I’m doing with the rest of my past.

Blogust 2020: The Series, Creative Pieces

Day 7: in my corner – a poem.

liz

are you proud of me?

are you happy that i found myself

through heartache and mental illness,

identity crisis and survivor’s guilt and

everything else that weighed me down over the years?

are you happy that i’m happy;

sitting in my corner

with things that make me happy,

Victon albums, fairy lights, & a souvenir

from my first ever solo plane trip,

Polaroids of my cat, a friend with lipstick so black,

a wall of pictures of Kpop boys

all covered with friends’ letters:

the ones who support me and spam Seungsik’s photos

as a weapon to attack;

my pet turtle named Squirtle that lives on my desk

and my laptop viewing watch parties and causing chaos with friends;

are you happy i found my happiness

in the littlest things?

i hope you’re happy for me

as much as i’m happy for you

for finding your happiness in things

and in other people that aren’t me anymore.

i hope you smile when you see i’m doing good

and that maybe i just need to be in my corner

in order for me to blossom.

Blogust 2020: The Series

Day 6: The Night Of – A Scene.

liz

Mollie stands in front of her closet doors, staring at the dress hanging on the hook of her closet. She sits at the edge of the bed and takes a deep breath in. The sun is starting to set and she knows she needs to start getting ready for one of the most important nights of her life. Although she didn’t plan for things to go the way they’re currently going, but her life was never conventional.

She stands up from the bed and walks to her vanity. She looks in the mirror and sees herself. She’s still pretty petite and fit, but her stomach is slowly getting more round as the weeks go by. She’s 4-months pregnant and she’s feeling indifferent about it. She’s scared, she’s anxious, and at some points she’s depressed; she stopped her whole life to get ready for the one she’s about to live. But, she also knows that when people are madly in love, they do crazy things, and she’s become one of them.

There’s a picture of her and her fiance, Weston, when they were teenagers. They’re both in caps and gowns, smiling as Weston’s “bunny ears” hand is behind Mollie’s head. Mollie smiles. There was no doubt that she loved him since the moment she met him in high-school, and even with a couple of obstacles in their way, they’re just a couple of hours from getting married and 5 months away from welcoming their first child. She’s happy, yet she feels like she doesn’t deserve to be.

Her thoughts are quickly brought back to reality when she hears someone knocking on her front door. The person outside of the door calls out for Mollie; she recognizes the voice; it’s Sophie, her best friend’s wife. Mollie yells out that the door is open, and she frantically starts to get her hair and makeup done.

Sophie walks into the bedroom and looks at Mollie.

Sophie: You’re not ready yet?

Mollie: Hello to you too, Sophie.

Sophie grabs a couple of bobby pins from the vanity and helps Mollie with her hair.

Sophie: I just expected for you to be ready by the time I got here, is everything alright?

Sophie looks at Mollie through the mirror of the vanity; Mollie looks anxious and worried.

Mollie: I’m fine, everything’s fine.

Sophie grabs the hairspray from the vanity; she shakes her head.

Sophie: Aigo…

Mollie: *confused* What?

Sophie: Nothing, Mol, you’re just sitting in this chair, lying to me…

Mollie: *turns around, irritated* I said I’m fine, Soph.

Sophie: *eyes widen, sarcastically* Wow, was I this moody with both of my pregnancies? Because you’re taking it to the next level.

Mollie rolls her eyes and faces the vanity mirror again to continue putting on her makeup.

Mollie: Look, I’m a little stressed, that’s all.

Sophie: I mean, that’s normal. You are getting married tonight.

Mollie: I’m eloping tonight, Sophie.

Sophie: *confused* It’s a marriage, Mol…

Sophie finishes with Mollie’s hair and turns the chair around to face her. With her hand out, Mollie gives her the makeup brush; Mollie was never the makeup wearing type.

Sophie: Are you having second doubts about this?

Mollie doesn’t answer; she’s just immersed in thought.

Sophie: *questions* Are you having second doubts marrying Weston?

Mollie: It’s not that, it’s just- everything is happening so fast…

Sophie: I mean, it happens, Mol. Things didn’t go the way Milo and I wanted.

Mollie: Well, you two are different. You guys are… normal.

Sophie: And you’re not?

Mollie wears a worry face; Mollie never thought she was as “normal” as Sophie. Sure, Sophie is a person that has traveled the world with her parents; born in South Korea, raised in England; living her American dream in New York City. Sure, she hasn’t had the most conventional relationship with Milo; she was pregnant with their daughter once they graduated high-school, they got married after graduating college, and now have a newborn son. Yet, their relationship felt natural, normal. There was no doubt that Weston loves Mollie, and Mollie loves Weston just as much, but she can’t help but feeling like she’ll ruin everything, since she believes that’s what she’s done all her life.

Mollie: *guard is up* You’re right. I’m just overthinking everything.

Sophie: Weston is lucky to have a woman like you. He’s madly in love with you and I know he’s probably back at the house with Milo excited as ever to marry you.

Back at Milo’s, Weston is in the bedroom looking at himself in his suit through the mirror. He takes a deep breath; he’s nervously adjusting his suit. Milo walks in the bedroom while trying to put on his tie. He takes a look at Weston.

Milo: Looking sharp, my man!

Weston: *nervously* Thanks.

Milo: That didn’t sound convincing. You’re okay?

Weston takes a deep breath and turns around to face Milo.

Weston: Didn’t you feel this nervous on your wedding day?

Milo: Well, yeah, it’s normal to feel nervous, but you look like you’re about to sweat your suit off. *pauses* I mean, you gotta save that move for Mol on your honeymoon!

Weston smirks as Milo laughs at his own joke. After Milo puts on his tie, he walks over to Weston to fix his up.

Milo: Man, you’re marrying Mollie Sue Castro… how does that feel?

Weston: *giddy* Amazing. Unbelievable. Like, whoever thought she’d say yes?

Milo: Mollie loves you, man. Of course she would’ve said yes.

Weston: *worrisome* I know, but… you know how Mollie is…

Milo: You mean how difficult she could be?

Weston looks at Milo uncomfortably. If anyone knows Mollie well, it’s her long lifetime best friend, Milo. Milo and Mollie were born just a month apart, and because Mollie’s oldest sister and Milo’s father have been best friends for life (now married) so it was only nature that most of their time was spent together. Milo knows just how much Mollie struggles with her own inner demons, and he knows that Weston juggles them as well as his own. But, Mollie loves Weston with all of her heart, and he loves her just as much, if not even more. They are expecting their first child together, and although that’s another adventure they’ll be going through, he knows he wouldn’t want nothing more than to marrying the love of his life.

Milo notices the look on Weston’s face; he knows what he’s thinking.

Milo: I didn’t mean it like it, man. I just… I just know how she is.

Weston: I know.

Milo: I just know that she overthinks everything and believes she can’t have good things happen for her.

Weston: *asks out loud* You think she wants this?

Milo scrunches his eyebrows; how could Weston even think such thing?

Milo: Bro…

Weston: She’s been struggling these last couple of months. It’s sometimes so hard to read her mind and see if she’s really happy, y’know? I know the pregnancy happened so unexpectedly, but still, I just hope she’s just trying to deal with everything coming our way.

Milo: Listen, Mollie is love with you, she just has a hard time expressing it. She thinks she doesn’t deserve it. And from what she tells me, it seems like you let her know all the time just how much she deserves to love and be loved.

Weston takes a nervous deep breath, and then turns back to look at the mirror in the bedroom.

Weston: She’s the best fucking thing to happen to me, man.

Milo: *gets up* Then let’s go and give her your last name, bro!

The men sit inside the church hall waiting for the ladies to arrive. Milo is sitting on a bench while Weston paces back and forth. He’s panicking and he’s thinking about all of the scenarios that could’ve possibly happen: what if she’s not feeling well? What if she changed her mind? What if she ran away and Sophie can’t find her? Weston hasn’t heard from Mollie since last night, and it’s been the longest since they’ve not seen or spoken to each other.

The door opens and Weston turns around; he sees Sophie holding the door open as Mollie walks in. Weston instantly smiles at the sight of Mollie. She’s wearing a flowy, white summer dress; one that perfectly showcases her ever growing belly. Her hair is perfectly curly with a princess braid wrapped around her head. A little veil is tucked in her hair, making her look angelic and fairy-like. Weston’s eyes get watery, and Mollie notices it.

Mollie: *cutely laughs* Oh, Weston.

Milo and Sophie caress each other and watch the couple taking each other’s sights in. They both mutually agree to walk away from the couple to give them their time.

Weston and Mollie hug each other tightly, and then step back to take a good look at each other.

Weston: You’re so fucking beautiful, Mol.

Mollie: And you’re so fucking handsome, Weston.

He laughs and takes in his view.

Weston: How you’re feeling, babe?

Mollie: Nervous, anxious… queasy.

Weston kneels down to Mollie’s stomach and directly talks to it.

Weston: Hey, princess, mommy looks incredibly beautiful in her dress today, and today’s the day that mommy and daddy get married. I know you wanna be the center of attention– mommy’s the same way– but let’s make this day special for her.

Mollie looks down at Weston and all of the nerves she had about marrying Weston disappears. She knows Weston already loves their child and will do anything to protect her and their child. She knew for a really long time that Weston was her person, THE person that she was meant to be with for the rest of her life. She didn’t expect it to be going as fast pace as it was going. She may feel like she doens’t immediately know where life will take her, but she’s sure enough she wants Weston by her side.

He gets up from kneeling and back staring at Mollie. The smile never leaves his face.

Weston: Is this what you want, Mol?

The question takes her off-guard. She expected her hand to be held by Weston’s and guided her towards the inside of the church. The look on her face makes him nervous.

Weston: Mol?

She snaps out of the thought.

Mollie: Yeah?

Weston: *whispers* Listen, if you’re not ready to do this, we can always wait. If you want the whole wedding ceremony, I will give you just that, babe. Anything.

Mollie smiles at Weston. Damn, when did she get so lucky to have this man? She leans in and kisses Weston softly.

Mollie: Let’s do this, Mr. Ashmore.

Weston smiles and opens the door for Mollie. He bows.

Weston: After you, soon-to-be Mrs. Ashmore. 

They both walk into the Church with Milo and Sophie as their witnesses.  

Blogust 2020: The Series

Day 5: Let’s Talk About Internet Friendships.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, let me state the obvious: I don’t have many friendships in my life; half of the reason is because of my SAD preventing me from building and keeping friendships and the fact that I’m not a good enough friend for others and, well, a lot of other insecure and anxious thoughts that come to my head.

Of course, this past year has been a year that I’ve gotten the chance to meet a ton of new people and make meaningful relationships with them in my life. It first started with my coworkers at the bookstore (who I miss with my whole heart; we all need to go back to work), which then it turned into others who I got to see every day in my routine, and now, we have some internet friends.

Lemme explain.

I’ve mentioned before that throughout the summer, I got into the Kpop trading community on Instagram to take my collecting more seriously and in the process, I’ve met some really awesome people in the community. It was refreshing to find people who were interested in Kpop and knew the groups that you liked as well! It’s no secret that my favorite Kpop group is Victon; they own my entire heart and to find people who see Victon in the same eyes was amazing. For once, I felt like I was allowed to talk about and go crazy for over the group that quietly enjoyed on my own for the last couple of months. The amount of Seungsik photos I get spammed on my trading account from my moots always attacks me, but so highkey appreciated.

In the weeks I’ve been in the community, I’ve made some friendships with people that I’m so glad to have now in my everyday routine and where we can help each other out with our collections.

Normally, I stray away from internet friendships because there’s always a sadness behind it: you never know if you’ll ever get the chance to meet them in person, and sometimes, friendships strive best when you see them in person! I also used to not see the point of having online friends or saw it as a negative thing. My lack of better judgment thought that online friends only exist for people who can’t keep IRL friends which isn’t true, but go off inner negative voice in my head. It wasn’t until I started to make some online friends on my own that I soon realize that any friendship is a friendship, whether or not it’s a traditional one or not. You can hang out with your online friends in watch parties (like I do very frequently with Ro) you could have mass group chats with a group of your friends and just have a good time in there; the choices are unless with the technology we have!

I appreciate my online friends in this community because they give an escape from the real world and give me a chance to just appreciate good Kpop music and fan-girl over them. My online friends (some younger than me, some older) have showed me that music as no age and anyone can enjoy it and that being a collector is not a dumb thing. If anything, being in this community has helped me embrace this part of my identity even more; it’s showed me that it’s okay to have such an interest in something that’s a little different than everyone else’s.

My friend Ro and I (I now know two Ro’s in my life: my mentor and now my kpop twin, haha) were talking about the importance of friendships and how the best kinds were the ones that involve both parties involved being open and comfortable enough to share their interests with each other. Being a person that hasn’t had many opportunities to discuss what I like and what my interests are to my friends, being in this community is one thing to have a common liking of a genre, but to actually be open to learning about groups you didn’t know about or didn’t listen to prior to meeting these people makes the friendships that more genuine and authentic. I’ve been more of myself these last couple of weeks more than I’ve been in my life, and that says a lot about the people you connect with in the community.

I am so grateful for people like Ro, Amy, Ella, Lae, and the others I’ve got the pleasure in knowing! I’m so happy that with the little time I’ve been on this side of the Kpop community, I was able to make online friendships that may one day be in person ones! Like, the group chat already got plans to do a whole tour to meet each other and when the day comes when Victon makes some U.S stops on a tour, you best to believe we are all going to be waving our vickeybongs and singing Victon songs and crying over our boys and honestly – any friendship, whether it is in person or online, is a friendship. It’s the same love and caring nature you feel when you build friendships in any way shape or form.

So, for my trading community friends, thank you for making this summer a great one and a fun one.

Thank you to Ella, the person who lives in Europe but feels so close like I’ve known her forever, thank you for encouraging me to make a trading account and thank you for always coming to me for advice when you need it and for also being so comfortable for sharing your story with me and vice versa. Thank you for also taking me under your wing and allowing me to be a apart of some of your Kpop activities with your friends like it makes me so happy that you seek out for my opinions on things and for always being comfortable enough to write me and share your work stories because best to believe, I’ll be sharing mine when I go back! You are amazing I can’t wait for the day you decide to come to NYC to visit your family so that we can do all the goofy and fun things together!

Thank you to Ro, who I’ve gotten the pleasure in getting to know and realize that we might’ve been twins in our past life, for everything you do and for always making me feel comfortable in being myself. Thank you for putting me onto all these new groups and for introducing me to watch parties, like it still means so much to me that you’d want to virtually hang out with me and gush over our boys together and for introducing so many new groups in my Kpop discography! Thank you for also understanding my insecurities of being an adult collector; you definitely helped me embrace the fact that I’m an adult collector and that Kpop is not just a thing for younger audiences. Also, thank you for understanding my ult love for Seungsik as I understand yours with Sejun! It makes me the happiest that I could go insane for Seungsik the way that I do and not feel shameful for doing so because, well, after the Seungsik fancam is a Sejun one and you’re pretty much doing the same thing! Also, putting this out into existence: we will get into a fansign one day and completely stop breathing in front of our boys because, like, well you already know the deal. (Also, thank you for giving me even more reason to visit South Korea when you move there; not only do I get to hang out with someone as awesome as you but I’d be crossing something off my bucket list of things to do in my lifetime! In the words of you yourself: SLAY!)

Thank you to Amy, possibly the one person on this planet that will always reign on top alongside with Subin because, y’know – “respect for the maknae, where” – for accepting me in your circle in the trading community. Before I got to know you, I followed your Victon edit account and felt like the biggest fan when I got to meet you because your edits were some the staple points in me falling hard for Victon and to be friends with someone who you admired as a creator was simply surreal, so thank you for taking me under your wing! Thank you for trusting me and if there’s something I appreciate more than ever, it’s that you feel comfortable enough to talk to me about things that worry you or stress you out; it means the world that my advice and my words can help you out in whatever you’re dealing with! Thank you for always making me smile and for also attacking me with Sik related things and a BIG thank you for helping me with my collection as well as providing me a space to be comfortable to share my excitement on my collection and vice versa! Thank you for loving Hanse the way I love Seungsik and the way Ro loves Sejun: unconditionally! Haha.

And for everyone else who I get to interact with and me myself with in the community, thank you so much for accepting my energy and for always supporting me whenever I’m not in the best of spaces. Your energy and your support means the absolute world to me, and it truly makes me feel like I’m not alone and that I, a person who fears that I deserve to be alone, actually isn’t. Thank you.

Blogust 2020: The Series, Monthly Favorites, Topic Tuesdays: Music

Day 4: July 2020 Favorites… Well, Discoveries!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, July was a very interesting month for “favorites”! I say favorites because, well, these things have so much potential to be favorites possibly this time next month!

July was a month that I got the pleasure to listen to a lot of new music and meet a lot of new people through the trading community who recommended these new songs to listen to!

Shall we get straight to it?

1.) WayV

WayV is Here to Awaken The World — The Kraze

So first, I’ve met an amazing person this past month that has become literally one of my closest friends in the community alongside Amy and Ella; their name is Ro and they’ve been making my days so great lately by either spamming my DMs with pictures of my ult, Seungsik, and crying over the fact that Sejun is a literal masterpiece. Just recently, they’ve put me onto a boy group that I’ve occasionally heard through the KPop community but never really checked out: WayV!

WayV is the fourth and most recent sub-unit in the whole NCT mega-group in SM Entertainment. What makes them different than the other NCT groups is that this is the first NCT-related group to be based in China; so technically they aren’t Kpop, but instead Cpop! This is also the first group under that is fixed, meaning they don’t change members for every comeback like most of the other NCT-related groups which, for me at least, I like. I don’t really much like change, especially when you’re researching a new group trying to get into them and know who the members are and all of that. For WayV, there are 7 members: Kun, Ten, Winwin, Lucas, Xiaojun, Hendery, and YangYang.

Anyway! These boys are, like, crazy with their duality. One minute you’re sweating over their very sexy dance moves and songs, and the next minute you’re uwuing over their cuteness. They have a very similar familial energy that Victon has, which clearly I’m a complete sucker for groups with crazy-ass chemistry. But yes, after getting educated on WayV by Ro, I’ve started to realize just how much I was about to double-bias in this group. I instantly was hooked on Ten, possibly my favorite dancer ever, and who’s vocals are like butter. Honestly, that man took all the damn talent. He has a duality that I guess is my type in Kpop biases because he’s oof one minute and then smiling like the baby he is. Ugh, such a talented man! My second bias is Kun, the leader and eldest in the group and someone who has the prettiest vocals ever. He sorta came in out of nowhere, like I was not expected to bias him but like… the bias is real and I’m not complaining.

Honestly y’all, just stan WayV!

2.) BTS

BTS Reveals Title And Teaser For New English-Language Single | Soompi

Hi, my name is Liz and, like, I’m getting into BTS?! Who would’ve thought that me, LIZ, would get into BTS in any way! I still have a long way to go to learn about them, but from what Ro showed me and exposed me to, they are a talented ass group that although get so much love, needs to be recognized for their productions behind the scene. Hah, BTS…

Anyway, if you don’t know who BTS are, they are a 7-member group under BigHit Entertainment that debuted… I believe back in 2013? Do not come for me, Army. They gain international success a couple of years ago and have been the most known Kpop group in westernized countries. So these 7 members are RM, Jin, Suga, J-Hope, Jimin, V and Jungkook. They also carry such family energy that makes it hard to not like them. After a couple of research videos and performance videos, I’m definitely also double-biasing. First of all, J-Hope is such a fucking cutie like, his personality is so 4D and he’s completely the most chaotic one in the group. He’s one of the rappers in the group, but like his dancing is what got me; it’s incredibly clean and so animated like, wow, we stan talent. Also, Jimin and his pretty ass vocals wrecked me; it’s funny because Victon’s Sejun is a huge BTS fan and he has a bias just like the rest of us and his bias is Jimin so like, talent stanning talent; we love. But yeah, gimme a couple of weeks to fall head over heels for BTS, like I already brewing inside my Kpop heart already.

3.) A.C.E.

A.C.E Profile | KpopInfo114

I adore ACE for so many different reasons, let’s be real. They are a very different type of Kpop group; they aren’t your typical “we just do cute and sexy concepts” type of boy group, they are very different in their styling and aren’t afraid to come off as too feminine, especially Byeongkwan: our crop top king! So ACE is a 5-member group under Beat Interactive and they debuted back in 2017! Their names are Jun, Donghun, Wow, Byeongkwan, and Chan. When listening to their earlier stuff, it’s definitely so unexpected like if any group knows how to switch up genres, it’s them for sure. What i like about this group is that they all are some serious all-rounders; they all can dance insanely well and their vocals… like, stan a group where every member in the group can hold the main vocalist position. I definitely have to do some more research on them, but like I’m already so in love with them and their vocals so I’m excited to get into them a little more!

That’s it for now! I know for this month there’s going to be a ton of favorites because, well, so many comebacks and albums are coming and like, we are living for it. Until then!

Blogust 2020: The Series, Music Reviews

Day 3: Update on Kpop Top 30 Project!

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Last week, I showed you guys the list of songs that Ella, I, and her friends made of our Top 30 Kpop Summer songs. Great news! The video is out!

You can definitely tell how much of a girl group listener I am because the amount of girl groups I included on my list compared to the others is quite funny! And if not, there’s some Victon in here as well.

Again, a big shoutout to Ella for inviting me to joining her project with her friends! It was extremely fun to do and watch and of course, I love that the icon for me is Seungsik!

Show her video some love, you guys!

Blogust 2020: The Series

Day 2: What Have I Been Up To?

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

How has everyone’s summer going? Is everyone back to work yet or are seeking jobs or just enjoying the summer weather? I don’t know about you, but these last couple of months sorta just flew by? How is it already August, you guys!

Anyway, I feel like I haven’t gave a legit life update in a really long time – so I guess I can use this lovely Sunday to just give you guys a life update!

For starters, I am restarting the bariatrics program again due to COVID-19 literally just stopping everyone’s life and because I wasn’t able to stay on track as much as I can now that I’m able to physically go to appointments and get the clearances I need for surgery. I’m technically done with weigh-ins, I’m just now getting all the testing done and clearances done for surgery and by early 2021, I will be undergoing it. It’s definitely a scary process, and it’s a process that I will have to prepare myself for once everything starts clearing, but it’s something I believe will benefit my way of living and my life in the long run.

I just recently got clearance from the psychologist in the program (which was my first ever guy psychologist and was so comforting to talk to!) and this week I’m seeing a nutritionist for the first time so hopefully things go well and I’m able to get some advice and guidance towards eating habits and living a better lifestyle!

In other news, I’ve been quite busy with my kpop collection! Back in June, I started to take collection more seriously and it’s pretty much complete excluding some that are impossible to find, but yeah! I’ve spent the majority of July on my trading account meeting new people (or moots) to share our love and interest for Victon and it’s just been an amazing journey to have, like internet friends? I think I’ll write a post more on that subject later in the month.

Lastly, I’ve been taking care of my mental health while I have this time to myself. A coping mechanism I had prior to the virus was my job; I was able to keep productive and social through my work and environment with my coworkers. Since I’ve been out of work, it’s been a bit difficult to stay out of my own head and “distract” myself from negative thoughts. I’ve just been trying to be gentle with myself and do things that make me happy! Lately its been my collection, the trading community, and even writing story scenes for the blog!

That’s pretty much it, nothing new or exciting! Just wanted to start off this first full week of Blogust with an update and to say that I’m so excited to give you guys new content for the month of August!