Important

Thoughts on Yesterday’s NYC Subway Attack.

liz

I moved to Sunset Park with my family 22 years ago. This neighborhood has been home to where both my mother and father grew up in, and one that my sibling and I have grown up in as well. I was 6-years-old. I traveled these streets with friends as a teenager. I visited these stores and parks as I was growing up. I went to elementary and middle school in the neighborhood and made friends with those who lived in the area as well.

Sunset Park is what we call “the melting pot” of South Brooklyn. In our neighborhood that expands 30 blocks and 4 avenues, we are surrounded by Hispanics, Asians, Jewish people, and a mixture of every other demographic in New York. It’s a neighborhood that you don’t hear much about in the news unless it’s about our annual Puerto Rican Day Parade on 5th Avenue or the Lunar New Year Festival on 8th Avenue.

So when the events of today’s horrible and tragic mass shooting happened within our neighborhood this morning, most of us– if not all– were left frozen in shock.

Around 8:30am on Tuesday morning, a gunman threw a gas canister in a Northbound N-train between the (presumably) 59th Street and 36th street stops. When the train pulled into the 36th street train station, the doors opened and smoke engulfed the train station. Dozens of people on that specific train cart fled the train, whether it was to run away from the scene or out of the train station, or to fall on the ground of the platform, bloody, waiting for help to come their way. In the end, 30 people were injured and/or hurt; 10 people were shot while on that train. As I am writing this, an investigation is still active and the suspect is still at-large.

I woke up this morning not really understanding the severity of it all. I was getting ready for work like I would normally do, and checked the bus that would take me at least halfway to my job. There was only one bus on-route, which was an hour away. Yeah, that particular bus takes a while to come to my stop, but it has never been to that extent. When I got on social media to read more about what was going on, I couldn’t help but feel sick to my stomach. A train station, which is literally 10 minutes away from me and that I frequently go on to travel myself, was now a crime scene. It was now surrounded by NYPD, FDNY, and even the Bomb Squad. It was crazy to think something like that would happen so close to home. I stayed home for my own safety and to ease my anxieties of traveling even though it wouldn’t be on the train itself.

It’s now a couple of hours later and the helicopters aren’t as audible as they were when it was daytime. There aren’t sirens going off every 5 minutes like they were earlier on in the day. For the most part, everything has calmed down for the night, but it doesn’t mean that waking up tomorrow for the morning commute are going to be easy. Any New Yorker is.

For the families and friends who directly were affected by this tragic event, my heart goes out for you. These people were mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, friends and so much more to those on that train this morning. I can’t help but think about my own family and what they would have had to go through if one of us were involved in such a tragic event.

It hits you harder when you see your own neighborhood on TV with dozens of medical assistance, news vans with reporters, and NYPD activity as heavy as it was earlier today. You walk out of your house and it immediately feels like a scene of a movie. It’s unfathomable. It’s something that normally doesn’t happen. It’s something that shouldn’t ever happen to any neighborhood in real life. But sadly, it does, and for a neighborhood as amazing as SUnset Park, I am saddened that this tragic event will forever taunt the beauty behind this neighborhood.

We have to be better and smarter about what goes on into our neighborhoods. We need to end this non-stop violence on the subway and make New Yorkers feel safe again. We travel the 5 boroughs on public transportation, and to take that away from us due to the fear that our morning commutes on a new day or to go home after work or school will turn for the absolute worst. We need to do something about all this violence in our communities and enforce rules to help protect ourselves.

I will forever be a New Yorker, a Brooklynnite, and Sunset Park Resident (whether I move elsewhere in the future or not). We are strong, resident, and able to come together to fight what is right for our community.

Black Sheep in Society.

Just As A Black Sheep Expected: A Scene.

liz

It’s the day of Micah’s big gig, and Micah sits backstage waiting for his time to perform. He peaks into the audience, where he sees people of all ages hanging out and enjoying the various performances of the night. He spots Dani and Tanner sitting together in the audience; he’s thankful that they always show up. He continues to look around to see if Kalia is in the audience; no luck.

The last act before intermission finishes, which means he’s the next act when intermission finishes. He takes in a deep breath to let out all the nerves in his body. He continues to look at his phone for any messages from Kalia; nothing.

Before he puts his phone back into his pocket, it vibrates in his hand. He reads the notification and sees that it’s Rosie.

Roe: They got you performing in a fancy-ass place! Okay, rockstar!

Micah peaks out of the curtain and searches the audience one last time. He sees Rosie sitting in the back row, looking around the venue. He looks down at his phone and sends her a text message back.

Micah: Thanks for coming out, Roe. See you after the show~

Micah puts his phone away when the intermission is over and the backstage crew call for him to get ready.

Announcer: Alright, alright! Welcome back to the Oxygen Lounge’s Amateur Night! We’re hope you’re having a great time tonight. Next in our lineup is Brooklyn native, Micah Kamalani! He’s an aspiring DJ and producer under the name Salem, so watch him mix your beats and create his own! Give it up for Salem, y’all!

The audience cheers and claps their hands as Micah walks out towards the stage.

Micah: How’s everyone doing tonight!

The audience cheers in response.

Micah: That’s what I like to hear! Tonight, I’m gonna give you guys something unreleased, y’know, a little something I’ve been working on. This song right here is called “Knock Me Out”. Enjoy!

The music begins to play and Micah immediately gets lost in the music. He dances and vibes to the beat before singing a song about a woman that he wants to get to know better romantically. The song is sexy, and Micah sways to the beat as he sings the lyrics. Dani and Tanner are bumping their heads to the beat, as well as everyone else in the audience. Rosie watches Micah in surprise; she’s never seen him in his element like this before. She also begins to vibe to the song.

Towards the climax of the song, a woman walks in with sunglasses and her hair tied up in a clean-looking bun. She sits towards the back of the venue, in which Rosie notices. She looks towards the girl as she takes off her sunglasses. Rosie’s eyes widen as she knows exactly who that is: Micah’s girlfriend. She shakes her head, dumbfounded that his girlfriend would literally get to the show moments before Micah’s set is over.

Micah looks into the audience and finally sees Kalia sitting there. Inside he’s disappointed she arrived so late, but he tries his best to hide it from the audience, and hide it within his performance.

Rosie begins to feel uncomfortable sitting so close to Micah’s girlfriend. Once Micah finshies his song and the crowd applauds Micah’s performance, Rosie gets up from her chair and walks out of the venue.

…

The night’s performances come to an end, and the venue now opens up to its regular hangout spot. Micah comes from the backstage area and meets up with his friends.

Tanner: That was so fire, bro!

Tanner greets Micah with a handshake into a hug; Micah smiles.

Micah: Thanks, man.

Dani: This was so much better than the last performance. Like, your last performance was great, but this was just different!

Dani pounds Micah with her fist, in which he returns it to her. Moments later, he looks around the venue for Rosie. He doesn’t see her anywhere. He stops searching once he sees Kalia walking towards him.

Kalia: Hey, babe!

Kalia kisses Micah and gives him a hug. Micah smiles at his girlfriend. His friends stand there, watching the couple.

Kalia: You were so good.

Tanner: Good?! That song was amazing, like that needs to be on Spotify like right now!

Micah laughs and Kalia doesn’t say anything back. Dani takes Tanner and gives Micah and Kalia some alone time.

Micah: Glad you were able to make it.

Kalia kisses Micah on the cheek.

Kalia: I wouldn’t have been anywhere else.

Micah smiles at Kalia. Her phone begins to ring, and picks up the phone. It’s her agent. Micah’s smile fades away. Kalia ends the phone conversation and looks at Micah.

Kalia: I have a table reading in a few for a movie, so I can’t stay for long.

Micah: *confused* Movie?

Kalia: Oh, yeah! My father got me a table reading for this movie with a director he’s close with. If everything goes well, I might actually get the role!

Micah doesn’t react right away, in which Kalia’s excitement fades away as well.

Kalia: Are you not happy for me, babe? You know I’ve been working hard for this—

Micah: No, no, I’m… happy for you. I just wish I knew about this sooner.

Kalia: I’ve been meaning to tell you, but I’ve just been so busy with auditions and preparations…

Micah: *annoyed* Yeah, but I’m your boyfriend, Kal. You didn’t think to tell me when you first got the movie deal?

Kalia: I didn’t get it, Micah.

Micah: You know what I mean. I just feel like I’m one of the last people to know what’s going on with my own girlfriend.

Kalia: You’re making a big deal out of nothing…

Micah: Am I? Kal, I’m just saying: I feel like I’m never in the loop about your career and auditions and stuff.

Kalia sighs loudly. She anxiously keeps looking at her phone. Micah rolls his eyes.

Micah: Just go, Kal. I’ll talk to you later. Again, thanks for coming…

Micah kisses Kalia on the forehead half-assed, he simply just walks away from Kalia, towards the exit of the venue.

He takes out his phone and checks it to see if there are any notifications. Nothing. He opens his messages with Rosie and begins to text her.

Micah: Hey, everything’s okay? Didn’t see you after the show.

He puts his phone back into his bag and begins to walk away from the venue. What a day to end his important night.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: PMDD after WLS.

liz

People have this belief that when you lose weight, you miraculously also lose the depression and anxiety (or any poor mental health) you have. Maybe it’s the people’s fault for believing in such a superficial thing. Maybe it’s my fault for allowing people to believe I was doing a lot better mentally since having surgery.

Hi, my name is Liz and I am currently going through PMDD and have been even before having weight-loss surgery.

When I was younger (like, in my teenage years), most people couldn’t tell whenever I was on my period. It came and went without any true mood swings or noticeable behaviors that would indicate it was my time of the month. “You’re always just so bubbly and happy” is what I would hear others say whenever I spoke about having my period.

As I got older, things changed. Once I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I also felt my cycles becoming more intense and difficult to handle. For one, I would overanalyze and overthink everything that was going on in my life, and when I couldn’t control everything that I was being anxious about, I would make impulse decisions that I tend to regret once I feel like my head is in a better place. A couple of years later, I was diagnosed with PMDD, or Premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

For those who may not know what PMDD Is, it’s a much more severe form of PMS. In a nutshell, it’s when the PMS stage is so severe, the person’s mental health deeply declines and their daily functioning declines as well. For me, PMDD feels like a battle of survival; that’s not even a joke. I am constantly fighting myself to be okay and keep calm during that time of month; sometimes I succeed while other times I find myself failing miserably. Plus, if I’m already juggling stress and anxiety prior to starting this cycle, the PMDD is a lot more extreme…

even if I am losing weight after having surgery.

At the end of the day, just because I am at a place in my life where I am making progress in bettering my physical health, it doesn’t automatically mean my mental health is now “cured”. I am going to continue to be affected by things that occur within my body; it’s just how my anatomy works.

I am not saying to walk on eggshells around me. I am not saying that I should be avoided and isolated at all costs when this time of the month comes. Yes, I will admit that I become the complete opposite of who I truly am, but I am still trying and learning to be okay as possible during this time.

All I ask is to be mindful and gentle with me. I am a hell of a lot more sensitive during this time, and quite honestly, I am a ticking time bomb on this particular week of the month. But, I am learning to have control over the things I can have control over, whether that means having to do what it takes for me to even be better for a small amount of time. But please, don’t assume this part of my life doesn’t exist because I should be happy for all the progress I’ve made in the past 9 months. I am grateful, but that doesn’t mean I can’t feel emotions like I once did and deal with issues in the same way I did before. I will always have the same mind, the same depressive episodes and anxiety attacks that don’t have anything to do with my weight loss; and I also have to remind myself that even with this new body I am learning to love and get used to on a day-to-day basis, I am in control of the things I put in my body during this time of the month and I am in control in how I take care for this body.

PMDD will tell my brain to throw out all of the progress I’ve made and eat things I shouldn’t. It will tell me that I should just eat/drink whatever it is it may be to just feel better for a quick moment or take a breather for once. But, even that causes me so much anxiety to the point where I feel like I have no control. Temporary happiness is not worth it.

As I go through the rest of my week and I hit the 9-month mark since having surgery, I remind myself that I still have such a long journey ahead of me. I still have so much of this process to live and get used to; one of them being the way I am able to control my food intake when I get into these really serious depressive episodes. I will find a way to handle my PMDD better, especially during the times when I’m entering that week already stressed out.

Weight loss doesn’t always equal happiness, and it certainly doesn’t mean my mind is now cured from the mental health illnesses I experience. It just means I am learning to adapt to this new lifestyle with some of the old lifestyle that I can’t easily get rid of.

And that’s okay if that’s the case.

Black Sheep in Society.

A Black Sheep Invite: A Scene.

liz

Micah walks into the college library, looking around to see if there are any available seats left. He spots a table near the corner of the first floor in which he rushes towards. He grabs the seat from the table and sits down, seeing that a group of students were going to take the spot first. Micah laughs to himself as he takes out his lyrics notebook. He focuses hard on what he wants to write, but his phone is constantly vibrating in his bag.

He takes out his phone and sees that Kalia is messaging him back-to-back. He opts to call her back.

Micah: Babe?

Kalia: I didn’t mean to disturb you! I know you’re in class right now.

Micah: Nah, I’m in the library waiting for my last class at 2.

Kalia: Ugh, my days are all mixed up. What are you up to?

Micah: I’m writing up some lyrics for the gig I have this weekend.

Kalia: Ooo! Are you excited?

While Micah is on the phone, he looks out the window, which is facing a parking lot closest to the library. He notices a Porsche sports car, which is extremely rare to see in a public college parking lot. He looks at the person coming out of the car; to his surprise, it’s Prescott Jones, the heir millionaire.

Kalia: Babe? Hello?

Micah: Huh? What?

Kalia: I asked if you’re excited about your gig.

Micah: Oh! Yeah! I am, and I hope that my number one supporter is there cheering me on…

He continues to look out the window at the fancy car and celebrity. The passenger door opens and someone comes out; a girl. The girl walks towards Prescott and crosses her arms as he looks at the girl. Micah widens his eyes.

Micah: *to himself* Rosie?!

Kalia: *confused* What?

Micah: *snaps back to reality* I mean, “my baby”! You’re going to be there Saturday, right?

Kalia: I wouldn’t miss it for anything.

Micah isn’t paying attention to Kalia on the phone. He continues to look out the window where Rosie and Prescott are in the parking lot. Prescott goes back into the car as Rosie walks away from the car.

Micah: I’ll talk to you later, I got some work I gotta finish before my class. Love you.

Kalia: Love you too.

Micah hangs up the phone and focuses on the window. He doesn’t see Rosie there anymore. He looks back down at his notebook, trying to put together lyrics for this gig. He draws a blank; his mind wanders to Rosie and Prescott. Micah’s thoughts run in circles, trying to figure out what the hell he just saw. Moments later, someone slams their hand onto the table. Micah looks up to see Dani. Behind her is her boyfriend, Tanner.

Dani: Ew, what are you doing hanging out in the library?

Micah: I was trying to write this damn chorus for my gig…

Micah slams the notebook shut, which catches the couple off-guard.

Dani: You okay? That was pretty aggressive.

Micah: *dismissive* I’m fine, just– *sighs* I gotta get this done before class.

Micah gathers his things from the table.

Dani: Damn! We just got here.

Micah: Sorry guys, I- I really need to get this done. I see you guys after my class!

Micah rushes out of the library, leaving his two friends behind.

…

Micah rushes out of the library and goes to work in the performing arts building, prior to where his next class is held. He hits on the floor on the balcony, trying to concentrate on his work. It’s no use. He slams the notebook shut and places it on the floor.

Rosie: You’re okay?

Micah looks up and sees Rosie standing there. She proceeds to sit next to him on the ground.

Micah: Yeah, just can’t focus for this damn gig…

Rosie nods her head, understanding Micah.

Rosie: You’ll get something down soon, don’t worry.

Micah looks at Rosie and smiles. He puts his notebook back into his bag and takes in a deep sigh.

Micah: So, how has your day been so far?

Rosie: Same ole shit. Worked at the bookstore.

Micah nods his head, knowing that’s not the truth. He lets it go.

Micah: Are you doing anything this weekend?

Rosie: *confused* Not that I know of; why?

Micah: Wanna come to my gig? It’s cool if you can’t.

Rosie cocks an eyebrow at Micah.

Micah: What?

Rosie: Nothing, I’m just surprised you want me to be at this important gig of yours.

Micah: Only the coolest of people get invited to the gigs.

Rosie: Well I’m honored to be *air quotes* the coolest of cool.

Micah nudges Rosie on her arm as Rosie laughs. The class before theirs finally is let out, which makes Micah and Rosie get up from the floor and get ready for their last class of the day: Art History.

Black Sheep in Society.

Black Sheep’s Sibling Therapy Session: A Scene.

liz

Micah bumps to the music in his headphones as he presses various buttons on a device connected to his computer; he is making music for the first time in awhile. It takes awhile for him to hear someone knocking on his door; in fact, the banging on this bedroom door gets him out of his zone, and back to his surroundings. He gets up from his seat and swings open his door, frustrated. His younger sister, Dylan, stands in the doorway.

Micah: Can I help you?

Dylan: Can we talk?

Micah sighs in annoyance.

Micah: Dyl, I’m in the middle of preparing for this gig–

Dylan: Please?

Micah looks at Dylan and sees that she’s being serious. Micah opens his door for his sister to walk in. She sits at the edge of Micah’s bed as he closes the door behind him.

Micah: What’s up?

Dylan: *sighs* It’s about Nathan.

Micah: *protective* What did that son of bitch do?

Dylan: No, no! He didn’t do anything—

Micah: Are you lying? Because if I found out that small dick boy did anything to you—

Dylan: *louder* Micah!

Micah stops talking. He looks at Dylan, who takes in a deep breath before saying anything.

Dylan: I feel like he cares about his music more than me.

Micah: Why do you think that?

Dylan grabs one of Micah’s pillows from his bed and wraps her arms around it, placing her head on top of it.

Dylan: He’s always doing band stuff, which is cool, but…

Micah: You wish he spent more time with you?

Dylan: Exactly! It’s like he doesn’t know what’s right in his face!

Micah looks visibly confused.

Micah: Wait, aren’t you guys dating?

Dylan doesn’t say anything, but she doesn’t need to say anything for Micah to assume.

Micah: I’m not gonna rip his throat out if you guys are.

Dylan: No, it’s not that. It’s… well, we aren’t.

Micah: *understands* Ahh, you’re trying to get his attention. *protective* For what? Fuck that guy!

Dylan: C’mon, Micah! Can you actually talk to me like a person I can come to?

Micah crosses his legs and folds his hands in his lap.

Micah: Sorry. I’ll listen. So, you’re not dating, but you want to?

Dylan: He acts like he likes me back when we’re in school, but then his band members pull him away to practice and stuff and he just follows along and—

Micah: Hold on, lemme stop you there. Has he had this band for mad long?

Dylan: He’s the one that started it.

Micah: *understands* Now I get it. Dyl, as much as you want me to say that he’s just shy or some shit around you, I—

Dylan: No. I want to know what would you do if you were me.

The request takes Micah off-guard and is confused once again.

Micah: What?

Dylan: You’re in a relationship with someone that puts their career first.

Micah scrunches his eyebrows; he’s annoyed his sister phrased it out like that.

Micah: Kalia doesn’t do that.

Dylan: The number of times she’s missed important things in your life can’t be counted on your fingers anymore, Micah.

Micah: That’s different. Kalia has a career. She does this as her job. Your little crush is just a wannabe musician.

Dylan: *mad* Like you?

Micah: *angry* I’m nothing like him; set that straight.

Micah gets up from his seat and walks towards the door to open it.

Dylan: Wait! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. But I’m serious about Kalia. Every time Nate ditches me to do his music thing, I can’t help but think if you feel this way whenever she cancels or ditches on you.

Micah stands there; he doesn’t say anything back. He closes his bedroom door and walks back to the seat he was sitting in. He sits down.

Micah: Kalia and I are in a relationship. Technically, I signed up to be with someone of her status. You don’t have to deal with Nate’s shit if you don’t want to.

Dylan: But doesn’t it bother you when she just decides that her job is more important than you?

Micah: *stoic* No.

Dylan: It should, considering you’re dating her.

Micah: Like I said, I signed up to be with her, and it sucks to say this, but you’ll have to sign up for all of Nate’s shit if you want to date him. You have to talk to him about it.

Before Micah turns his chair around to face his desk, Dylan speaks.

Dylan: If you two weren’t dating though, would you stay trying to get her attention?

Micah doesn’t say anything. He ponders in thought and doesn’t answer Dylan back. He changes the subject.

Micah: Like I said, you gotta talk to him.

Dylan: But–

Micah: I really have to get this shit together before my gig on Saturday.

Dylan rolls her eyes and gets up from Micah’s bed. She begins to walk towards his bedroom door to leave. Micah feels bad.

Micah: *sighs* Dyl.

She turns around and looks at her brother.

Micah: You just have to do what feels right. If you like him, talk to him. He might not even know you like him or what to go out with him. Sometimes, you have to be the one to make the effort.

Dylan doesn’t say anything, so Micah goes back to preparing for his gig.

Dylan: Is Kalia going to your gig?

Micah: She is. She knows how important this is to me.

Dylan: *doubtful* Hopefully she’ll actually go.

Micah turns and faces Dylan one more time.

Micah: Nice talk. Now get out.

Dylan rolls her eyes and walks out of Micah’s room. He turns back towards his computer, trying to focus. It’s no use, his mind is too distracted to work on anything. He sighs in frustration, turning away from his music equipment.

The "Something" Series

When Nothing is Something: A Scene.

liz
History of New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport - ClassicNewYorkHistory.com

A couple of years ago…

Jamie stands with his luggage at Incheon International Airport; he bounces his leg in nervousness while waiting to board the plane. His two friends, Shawn and Kevin, roll their luggage to sit next to Jamie.

Shawn: You look nervous, Hyung.

Jamie: Why would I be nervous?

Kevin: Well for starters, you’re sweating like you ran a marathon before coming here.

Jamie: It is the middle of summer…

Kevin: But the Air-Con is on high in the airport. Weren’t you in America once before?

Jamie: Yeah, but not for business. This is the first time we’re handling a case overseas and… I don’t know, what if things go wrong there?

Shawn: You can’t win every case you get. Besides, it’s an all-expenses-paid trip to America; New York to be exact!

Shawn starts to poorly sing “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. Kevin places his hand on Shawn’s arm to stop him from singing.

Kevin: You should make the most of this trip; who knows what could happen while we’re there.

Shawn: *gasps* Imagine how beautiful and exotic the women are in America!

Jamie: *annoyed* We are going to do a job, Shawn; not to pick up any women.

Kevin: Forget about that… I think this would be good for you to get out of Korea for a couple of months. Y’know, to get your mind off of things.

Jamie doesn’t answer back, but the stewardess begins to call people to board the plane. When the class of the three men is announced to aboard, they grab their things and walk towards the entrance of the plane.

Jamie: *sigh* Might as well make the most of this trip…

Present day…

It’s roughly 7pm in New York City; the JFK airport is scattered with different travelers going to different parts of the world, strolling their suitcases around the terminal while walking to their gates. There stands Jamie with his suitcases, waiting at the gate that will take him back home. He paces back and forth, looking outside of the gate where the plane is. There’s some light rain hitting the glass of the window. Jamie turns around and sees Shawn and Kevin sitting near their luggage. Jamie walks over to the guys and sits back down. He begins to bounce his leg in place.

Shawn: Hyung, are you okay?

Jamie: *short* I’m fine.

Shawn: You don’t sound like you’re fine–

Jamie: Ya, I said I’m okay!

Shawn doesn’t say anything else, but now Kevin’s attention is drawn to the conversation.

Kevin: Jaemin hyung’s probably not happy to go back to Korea…

Jamie: No, I wish I stayed in Korea the last time and just moved on with my life.

Kevin: You don’t mean that.

Jamie: *to Kevin* You know, for someone who doesn’t live with me or spends their every second with me, you think you know how I’m feeling and what I’m going through.

Kevin: No, you’re just so predictable these days.

Jamie: No, you’re just intrusive.

Jamie gets up from his seat to move to another one, away from Kevin.

Kevin: If you wanted to stay in Korea all this time, you would’ve stayed for Seohyun.

Shawn: *shocked* Kevin!

Jamie turns around and grabs Kevin by the collar, immediately lifting him from the seat. Shawn is shouting at Jamie, trying to keep the peace.

Jamie: I’m tired of you bringing up irrelevant things, Kevin.

Kevin: You know I’m right, hyung; you wouldn’t be so distraught that I did.

Shawn: Hyung, please! We’re going to get kicked out and we need to get on this flight back home!

Jamie lets go of Kevin and walks away from the seated gate. Kevin straightens himself out before walking towards Jamie.

Shawn: Ya, give him some time.

Kevin: That’s the thing, we don’t have much time left.

Kevin proceeds to walk towards Jamie.

Jamie sits in a cafe, where he proceeds to buy an Iced Americano. Kevin walks into the cafe and spots Jamie. Jamie sees Kevin standing at the table and scoffs.

Jamie: You have some nerve coming here after what just happened.

Kevin: I’ve had worse. *sincere* Hyung, you haven’t been the same since Grace told you what happened. I know you probably haven’t tried speaking to her either.

Jamie: What’s the point? She’s just another woman in my past.

Kevin: But she’s more than just that. You love her.

Jamie: Well, I was stupid for loving her.

Kevin: No, you still do. Hyung, remember when we first went to America for that case? The first time you met Grace? You were dreading coming to America because you thought you were making the wrong choice. Seohyun told you that it was either her or your job, and you chose your job. You loved her, but something still made you leave Korea at that time.

Jamie: Seohyun and I weren’t even dating when that happened.

Kevin: Yet you chose to leave in spite of potentially working things out with her. You had a choice to pick the case overseas.

Jamie: Well, I’m going back now. For good.

Kevin: Hyung, if you leave now, you will probably never get to see Grace again. You’re going to go back home and regret losing her. You already know how it felt to lose her for a year, and I know you don’t want to feel that way forever when you get back to Korea.

Jamie holds his head with his hands. He’s tired, frustrated, and confused. He runs his fingers through his hair and sighs.

Jamie: I feel like I already lost her.

Kevin: How? You’re still in America.

Jamie looks at Kevin, deep in his own thoughts.

Jamie: I can’t go back, Kevin. I can’t just leave.

Kevin smiles as Jamie gets up from his seat and power-walks to the gate. Kevin follows right behind him.

Back at the gate, Shawn spots Jamie and Kevin walking back. He gets up from his seat.

Shawn: Is everything okay?

Jamie starts to gather his luggage; Shawn is confused.

Shawn: Hyung, what are you doing? The flight isn’t for another hour.

Jamie: I’m not going.

Shawn: *shokced* What?!

Jamie: I can’t go, not yet.

Shawn: But we have to make this flight! It’s what our company paid for!

Kevin: Jaemin hyung has got something he needs to do.

Shawn looks at Kevin, and then looks at Jamie.

Jamie: I have to go to Grace.

Jamie rushes out the gate area with his luggage, in which both Shawn and Kevin cheer for Jamie in his adventure.

…

Back in the city, Jamie rushes into an apartment building, the one that grace lives in. He knows where he’s going, and he immediately takes the elevator up to Grace’s floor. When the doors open, he rushes out and runs towards Grace’s front door. He proceeds to knock on the door.

Jamie: Grace? Grace, are you in there?

He bangs on the door louder.

Jamie: Grace? Please open up, I… I need to talk to you.

There’s no answer. Jamie puts his ear to the door and notices that no sound is coming from inside the apartment as well. He tries to think where else she would be. He runs towards the elevator to keep looking.

…

Ari and Dean share a nice movie date sitting on their sofa under some blankets. Suddenly, the door begins to knock. The couple look at each other, clearly confused on who it could be. Dean gets up from the sofa to answer the door. When he does, he sees Jamie standing there, practically drenched in rain water. Jamie notices that it’s Dean, whom he’s never met before. He bows politely to greet him.

Jamie: Hi, I’m sorry for showing up unannounced, I-I was just wondering if Ari was here?

Dean sternly looks at Jamie, not amused that another man is here to see Ari.

Dean: Look man, it’s pretty late…

Jamie: I know, and I’m so sorry for doing this but, I really need to talk to Ari–

Ari: Jamie?

Ari notices Jamie when she walks towards the front door. Dean looks at Ari.

Ari: *looks at Dean* He knows Grace.

Dean’s face softens and nods.

Ari: What are you doing here?

Jamie: Sorry, I’l be on my way, but I tried to go to Grace’s apartment, but it seems like she wasn’t there and I just wanted to know if you knew where I could find her?

Ari doesn’t say anything at first, but Jamie continues to talk.

Jamie: I thought maybe she was staying with you or another friend, and I just really need to talk to her. I was suppose to go back to Korea tonight but, I couldn’t go without talking to her first so, is Grace here?

Ari’s face grows concern, and then sudden sadness. Jamie picks up on it.

Jamie: What? Where’s Grace? Did something happen to her?!

Ari tries to form her sentences correctly. She looks up at Jamie, and begins to speak softly.

Ari: Grace left New York. She’s not here anymore.

Jamie’s face drops down, and tears begin to form in his eyes from not blinking in a couple of seconds. He doesn’t know what to think at this point. He’s in a state of shock, regret, and for once; he doesn’t know what he’s going to do next.

-End of Season 1-

Black Sheep in Society.

Black Sheep in the Dark: A Scene.

liz

The day turns into the night in Brooklyn and Micah and Rosie are walking the streets after hanging out at the music spot. Cars pass by and people are walking home for the night. Micah looks over at Rosie, who is taking in the atmosphere.

Rosie: This is a cool little neightborhood.

Micah: *smiles* Yeah, I spend most of my free time hanging out here *to Rosie* where do you usually hang out at?

Rosie: *hesitates* Oh, I’m more of a Manhattan type of person.

Micah: Really? I wouldn’t take you to be one of those girls that hangs out in the city. It’s just so expensive and, ehh.

Rosie: *teases* You have to have a certain taste to like being in the city.

Micah: *plays along* Is that right, Ms. “I’ve only been here for a couple of months”.

Rosie playfully nudges Micah as he laughs at his own jokes. Nothing is said between them for a moment, until Micah looks at Rosie, thinking about what he should say next.

Micah: Do you want me to drop you off at campus?

Rosie: *confused* Campus?

Micah: Yeah, don’t you live in the dorms?

A lightbulb turns on Rosie’s head, and she quickly nods her head.

Rosie: Oh yeah! Dorms. The college, yeah. But you don’t have to, I should be fine.

Micah: Are you sure? It’s really not a hassle for me to–

Rosie: *stern* I’m fine.

Micah drops the conversation right there and continues to walk down the street with Rosie. Nothing is said for a moment until Micah begins the conversation again.

Micah: Thanks for hanging out after class, by the way. You know you didn’t need to but–

Rosie: It’s nothing. Really.

Micah: *teasingly* I’m just saying that this deems us as friends now.

Rosie: *amused* Oh really?

Micah: Only the coolest, most chill people come to the lounge with me and that’s all you really need to be in order to be my friend.

Rosie laughs out loud; Micah doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Rosie: I still don’t get why you’d want to be friends with someone like me? No one ever talks to me.

Micah: Because you’re cool, and other people are just afraid of… people like you.

Rosie raises her eyebrows.

Rosie: People like me?

Micah: Yeah. People who just go on their day doing their own thing, and people are afraid to approach people who don’t want to be bothered.

Rosie: But not you.

Micah: *confidently* I’m not afraid, and I’m glad I’m not because I didn’t realize how cool you were, Roe.

Rosie: We’re going back to the whole Roe thing, huh?

Micah: Only the coolest of my friends get a nickname.

Rosie rolls her eyes and shakes her head. She doesn’t protest to the nickname, which Micah smiles about. The two reach the train station, in which Rosie begins to head on downstairs. Micah is confused.

Micah: Wait, aren’t you going back to campus? Why are you getting on the train?

Rosie: Oh, uhm… my roommate has a guy over tonight, so I was just going to stay with a friend…

Micah: Oh, alright. I’m getting on the uptown side–

Rosie: Oh bummer! I’m getting on the downtown side!

Micah nods his head as Rosie smiles through the interaction.

Micah: Well, I hope you get to your friend’s house safe.

Rosie: Thanks… I’ll see you on campus.

Rosie runs down the stairs to catch the train that is coming into the station. Micah watches on, realizing Rosie went down the uptown side of the train as well.

…

Micah walks into his house and walks towards his room. His mother, Jennifer, is in the kitchen washing dishes.

Jennifer: Micah! Where were you tonight?

Micah: I was at the lounge with my friends; why?

Jennifer: Your girlfriend stopped by earlier and asked where you were. She said you guys had plans.

Micah: *confused* What? She told me she had some audition stuff to do today.

Jennifer: *shrugs* She came here looking for you.

Micah is confused and walks to his room. He drops his bag on the floor and looks at his phone, in which he sees missed calls and messages from Kalia.

Micah: Fuck my life…

…

A door is opened and the nightlife is heard from the outside. Someone walks into the room and closes the door behind them. The lights turn on and Rosie is seen standing in a torn-down apartment in the busiest part of Brooklyn. She drops her bag near the front door and walks straight to the twin-size bed in the corner of the very empty room. She looks up at the ceiling and then immediately looks at the nightstand next to her bed. She pulls out an envelope with money in it, noticing there’s not much in the envelope, to begin with. She reaches into the drawer a little more until she pulls out a cellphone. She leans back into bed and dials a number on the phone. Rosie smiles when she hears the line pick up.

Rosie: Hey, you busy tonight?

Rosie rolls on her stomach in bed, kicking her legs up.

Rosie: Yeah, I’ll be ready by 10.

Rosie hangs up the phone and places it back into the nightstand. She gets up from her bed; her smile fades away as she walks towards her dresser, looking for something to wear.

The "Something" Series

Something You Should’ve Done: A Scene.

liz
Brooklyn, NY Multi Family Homes for Sale & Real Estate | realtor.com®

The snow slowly melts as warmer days appear in New York City. Grace, who is wearing boots and her peacoat for one of the last times of the season, walks down a quiet block in Brooklyn. She looks around at the small family homes in the area, remembering hanging out in Brooklyn with Emerson and their mutual friend after school when she was studying here. She smiles at the thought and instantly takes a deep breath to blow it away from her memory.

She stops in front of a small house. She looks at her phone to check the address. It’s the correct address.

Twelve Years Ago…

A young, teenage girl is heard yelling at a boy, who is laughing while she does. The girl takes snow in her bare hands and tosses it to the boy laughing. He instantly stops laughing as the pile of snow is now on his face and the girl starts to laugh.

Grace: I told you that you don’t wanna mess with me!

Emerson: *upset* Yeah, but I didn’t throw a whole pound of snow in your face!

Grace: *laughs* Yo, but it was too funny!

Grace continues to laugh. Emerson takes snow off of the ground and begins to form a snowball. Grace sees the snowball and runs towards Scott, their other friend.

Grace: Ahhh! Scott, save me!

Scott covers Grace and Emerson sucks his teeth. He puts the snowball down on the ground.

Emerson: That’s not even fair! Scott likes you, of course, he’s on your side!

Scott and Grace look at each other, trying to keep in their smiles. Emerson sighs loudly.

Emerson: Whatever happened to “bros before hoes”?

Grace: *snappy* I know you just didn’t call me a hoe, because if you did, your whole body would be face down on the ground!

Emerson: *defensive* Not like that, I–

Grace begins to laugh and Emerson rolls his eyes. The three friends stop in front of a house; Emerson’s house. They lean against the railing of the steps, not caring how cold it was getting.

Scott: You know you’re still my homie, Em.

Emerson: Well this homie is feeling neglected lately…

Scott: *teases* I’ll make sure to keep our relationship up just for you!

Grace laughs and Emerson huffs and puffs. The teenagers calm down and sit in silence when Emerson’s mom calls him inside the house for a moment. Emerson walks into the house, leaving Scott and Grace outside. The two once-smiley teens now stand there, sullen.

…

Grace’s shoulder is tapped, which makes her turn around in an instant. She takes a sigh of relief. Scott stands there, smiling down at her.

Scott: I didn’t mean to startle you.

Grace: It’s okay, I wasn’t really paying attention to anything anyway…

Scott stands next to her and stares at the house.

Grace: When did Em and his family move out of here?

Scott: Man… it was so long ago… had to have been after we graduated?

Grace nods her head.

Grace: It’s sad, knowing a lot of my first memories in New York were here on this stoop.

Scott: *laughs* You’re not wrong.

Grace doesn’t say anything at first. She looks at Scott for the first time since they met up. He looks older, but not in a bad way. He looks like he’s found his path in life. Like he’s got what he needed out of this life. Grace sighs.

Grace: Do you remember that day that I told you I was going back to Virginia?

Scott: I did. My 17-year-old self was crushed.

Grace: Did you miss me when I was gone?

Scott tilts his head in confusion.

Scott: Of course I did.

Grace looks at the house again.

Grace: I asked because… well, if we weren’t teenagers, would you have come for me? Like, would you have made the trip to come to see me?

Scott scuffs, adjusting his position.

Scott: Where is this coming from?

Grace turns her whole body back towards Scott, looking directly up at him.

Grace: I’m leaving New York.

Scott looks uncomfortable, not able to answer Grace right away. She looks away.

Grace: I’m sorry I even asked…

Scott: Grace–

Before Grace walks away, she stops and looks at Scott once again.

Scott: … if we were older when we were dating, of course, I would’ve come after you. *shakes his head* But I don’t understand where this is coming from and–

Grace: I haven’t left New York since I’ve been back, Scott. I feel like I’m not even home in the city anymore. How is this house, a complete stranger’s house, bring more comfort than my own home? Because I was happy standing here, with my friends, being in a place that was far away from my actual home in Virginia. I’ve been in the city for so long, and I feel like I’m drowning in it.

Scott takes in Grace’s confession. He thinks before he speaks.

Scott: So you’re going back to Virginia? But aren’t your parents here in New York?

Grace: I don’t know where I’m going but… I need to leave. To get me back. And I don’t know how t tell anyone that I’m leaving beside you because I never had to say that I’m leaving to anyone in my life… *whispers* only people have told me goodbye.

Scott exhales and stuffs his hands in his pockets.

Scott: Well, I’m going to tell you what I told you all those years ago. Go after what feels right for you, and if New York ever feels right for you in the future, then come back. But, you are not obligated to stay in the city just because this was home.

He pauses before he continues.

Scott: Willow is getting older. You don’t have to prove yourself a good mom, you know. You already did the damn deed of co-parenting her for the first couple of years of her life.

Grace’s eyes water, but no tears come down.

Scott: Go and find your home, Grace. Wherever that may be.

Grace looks at Scott and grabs to hug him. They share a hug for a moment.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Eight Months.

liz

Dear Liz,

I know that in this exact moment, you have a lot on your mind. Things feel like they aren’t tangible. Things feel like you have no control over them. Things are making you feel like you have no time for yourself or for the things you love. You’re totally laughing at yourself right now because yo are writing this while at your desk at work, with nothing to really do for the next couple of hours.

You’re here. You’re present, and you are doing the best that you could possibly do.

Remember that you have milestones to celebrate and to look forward to. Remember that you are still on this process of your weight loss journey and that you are literally 12 pounds away from reaching your 100 pound goal. You are learning how to live your life as efficient and simple as possible while trying to challenge your abilities and comfortability in situations that will always be out of your control. Remember that with everything in life, you will always learn from any mistakes you’ve made, and you will always know what to do if ever in a situation like this in the future.

Eight months have passed by. Eight months and within this time, you were able to do things that you weren’t ever able to do for yourself. You’ve been able to put your self-worth first, knowing that interpersonal boundaries are important to have with those around you. You’ve been able to challenge yourself and learn new things by leaving your bookstore job and going for the Registrar position instead. Sure, the transition hasn’t been an easy one, but you’re getting through it, and it will become easier as the time passes. Take it easy, and be gentle with yourself and remember that even making this step into unfamiliar territory has been one that you made because of your personal growth as a person. You are taking care of yourself in ways you never thought you would before, and for just that you should be proud of yourself.

Be proud that you are in a space where your identity has been established. Be proud that you are seeing progress in your weight loss journey and that the hard work you did and are currently doing is paying off. Pat yourself on the back for remaining positive despite the hardships you are currently going through.

Remember that nothing should ever get in the way from you working towards the things you want to achieve, no matter how hard it could be currently. Make sure that even though depressive episodes will come and go, you always have control on the things that you eat, do, and love. Know that despite your mental health telling you to give up and indulge in behaviors you normally wouldn’t, you have the control to take a step back and see what it is that you truly need in this space and time.

Everything will be okay, because you know how to be okay despite everything happening at once.

You got this and congrats on 88 pounds lost, girl.

The "Something" Series

Something I’m Always Dying For: A Monologue.

liz
Drops of Rain on the Glass, Bad Weather, the Window of the House Stock Image - Image of background, full: 101383217

There’s still too much work to do before calling it a night.

I closed the file and tossed it on the coffee table. It’s like the more I get through this case, the more work that needs to be done. I haven’t been able to focus on this case for a couple of weeks now, and all I want is for it to be over so I can go back home. It was a mistake to come back here. I should’ve just stayed in Korea and worked on some other case there. I came back for her, and I instantly regretted coming back.

I get up from the sofa and walk towards the kitchen. Nothing but alcohol surrounds the kitchen counter. I’m not even a big drinker, but it’s just easier to be drunk and pass out to just wake up the next day and start all over again. I told her she couldn’t live that way, yet I do the same.

I take the bottles of alcohol and begin to empty them out in the sink. One by one, they empty and go down the drain of the sink. I toss out each bottle and walk back to the fridge to eat something. Nothing is in there. I sighed, closing the fridge.

It’s not even that late in the night yet. It’s about 7:30 and yet I’m ready to just fall asleep. You can’t lose yourself, Jamie. I shut my eyes momentarily and all I see is her. Grace. Confessing to what she did when I was back home.

All of a sudden, there’s a knock on the door. I opened my eyes, looking towards the front door. I wasn’t expecting anyone, and the only people that would come over are–

“Hyung! I know you’re in there!” Shawn. I sighed and walked towards the door and opened it. Standing in the hallway is both Shawn and Kevin; they both sigh once they see me at the door.

“Hyung!” Both Shawn and Kevin say at the same time.

“What are you doing here?” I said emotionless, scratching my head in confusion.

“We came to check on you,” Kevin answered. He clearly looked more annoyed than concerned.

“Thank you, but I’m fine,” I said and began to turn back into the apartment. While closing the door, I hear the door being stopped by someone’s hands. I turn around and see Kevin’s hand on the door. He walks in, with Shawn nervously following him. I rolled my eyes, walking towards the kitchen to get a pot to boil some water.

“If you guys came here for food, I don’t have any,” I said, not looking back at them. I turned around and see them look around the apartment.

“Hyung,” Shawn starts off. “Your apartment is–“

“Filthy,” Kevin continued. I look at Kevin, not in the mood to deal with his shit. Shawn nudges Kevin on the shoulder.

“Kevin!”

“What? I’m being honest. Hyung’s never been this dirty in his life.” Kevin said. I sighed loudly, walking away from the two and into the living room. I begin to pick things up from the floor and toss them in closets, out of the guys’ way.

“Hyung,” Shawn timidly said. I turned around to look at him. He looked nervous. “Are you still mad at us?”

“For what?” I asked. I turn back around and continue to tidy the place up. Shawn doesn’t say anything after that; Kevin does.

“You’ve been distant since the whole night thing with Grace–“

“Ya,” I angrily interrupted. “Stop telling lies.”

“It’s true though,” Shawn finally says. “It’s like you’ve been mad at us for calling you about…” He doesn’t continue, but he knows not to. Kevin on the other hand continues. It’s typical of Kevin to push my buttons.

“About Grace when she was drunk. What the hell happened that night?” Kevin questioned.

“It doesn’t matter,” I answered, moving things to their appropriate place.

“Hyung cut the bullshit,” Kevin said without any emotion behind it. This was the first time Kevin has ever spoken to me like that. I’m his senior, he was just an incoming student when I was about to finish my studies in law school. I don’t know if I should be shocked or mad at Kevin’s response. Clearly, Shawn is shocked at the vulgarity of Kevin’s words.

“Remember who you’re talking to,” I simply replied.

“We’re in America; I’m talking to you as a friend,” Kevin snapped back. “We knew you were able to help her that night, so that’s why we called you.”

“You think I’m mad at you two for calling me to help her?”

“Well, you sure haven’t been around since then.”

“We are working on a case, Kevin.”

“Hyung,” Kevin simply said. “What happened between you and Grace? Didn’t you want to take the case in America to see Grace?” I shut my eyes; I didn’t want to talk about this anymore, but Kevin wouldn’t drop it.

“Jaemin Hyung?” Kevin asked, annoyed.

“Look, it was a mistake to come back here. All I want to do is finish this dumb case and go back home. That’s all.”

“Bullshit,” Kevin spat. Shawn widens his eyes, still shocked at Kevin’s behavior. “Something happened with Grace. What happened? She’s married now? Engaged? Why are you so upset whenever we bring up Grace?”

I couldn’t handle it anymore. That night kept flashing back, her repeating what she did when I was back home. I felt sick to my stomach again, and I wanted nothing more than to forget that night. But, I can’t; I don’t think I’ll ever forget what was said that night. With Kevin hounding me for details, I grew furious. I dropped whatever was in my head and walked straight to him. Shawn was scared; Kevin didn’t budge.

“Grace had an abortion when I was back in Korea. She was pregnant with my child and she didn’t tell me. She killed it before ever telling me.” I said, emotionless. I turned away, not caring if Kevin or Shawn were still standing there. It took a while for them to say something back. To my surprise, it’s Shawn that starts the conversation.

“Maybe Grace had her reasons…” Shawn finally started to say, timid at first.

“Grace probably didn’t have any other choice but to do that,” Kevin said. I was still furious, but hearing Kevin side with the person who literally broke my fucking heart was infuriating.

“She could’ve told me, goddammit!” I yelled. The words echoed through the walls of the apartment.

“Did you talk to her about it?” Kevin asked.

“Kevin, I don’t wanna keep talking about this!” I exploded at him. The thing about Kevin is that he’s never phased with any outbursts or anyone visibly mad at him. I guess that’s what makes him a good lawyer; he knows how to keep his composure in difficult situations.

“And that’s what keeps you from ever working things out with people you love. Remember Seohyun? Literally, you lost her because you didn’t want to talk to her about what’s been bothering her–“

“Leave her out of this. Seohyun isn’t Grace,” I muttered.

“You’re right. You are actually in love with Grace,” Kevin deadpanned. I didn’t say anything after that; I simply didn’t have anything else to say. Grace has always been different than Seohyun, but I never knew why. Either way, both women aren’t something of mine anymore…

“You should talk to her,” Shawn finally said. “Maybe she has a reason why she did what she did…”

“She would’ve told me when we were together,” I said.

“Yeah? And what were you going to do about it all the way across the world?” Kevin questioned. “Hyung, this isn’t like how they deal with these things in Korea. You can’t be mad at her for why she did what she did.”

“She could’ve told me, Kevin! We were clearly still a couple when this happened, so why couldn’t she just tell me that this happening?! I would’ve come to the states to work things out with her, I would’ve helped her! But she didn’t even bother communicating with me the whole time I was even in Korea!” All the frustration I had about this was getting me physically ill. I didn’t know how to handle my unborn child not being important enough for Grace to keep it. It felt like she didn’t care about me doing that like my opinion or my side of things didn’t matter. I didn’t know how to feel, because, on one hand, I understand she did what she thought was best. She wasn’t ready to be a mother to another child. But I didn’t understand why she couldn’t tell me.

“You gotta ask her that,” Kevin simply answered. “There are so many things that had to contribute to this decision. Grace wouldn’t hurt you on purpose, but maybe she physically couldn’t do this for another person. She needed to do something for herself.” The thought of reaching out to Grace to talk about this felt impossible. On one hand, I don’t want to ever see her again, because seeing her again would just open up the wounds I tried so hard to close within the last year. But… Kevin was right; I absolutely loved her, and I have to know what happened. Why. How. I just couldn’t let myself see Grace be this horrible person in my eyes. She’s human, despite how perfect she wants to be.

I took a deep breath and sat on the sofa. I hold my head in my hands, eventually covering my face. I just start sobbing. I don’t move, or breathe; I just allow the tears to come down my face because that’s honestly all I can give out right now. Shawn and Kevin walk to where I am sitting and immediately hug me for comfort. I’m grateful for these two, but I can’t think about anything else besides the what if’s between Grace and me. What if I was here for her? What if she kept it? What if we got married and had our little family? The questions are endless, and I feel like I already lost her due to my lack of assertiveness and fighting for what I truly want. I always wanted Grace, but now it’s too late to even think that to be a possibility.

I just don’t know how much more i can take from Grace hurting me.