There’s still too much work to do before calling it a night.
I closed the file and tossed it on the coffee table. It’s like the more I get through this case, the more work that needs to be done. I haven’t been able to focus on this case for a couple of weeks now, and all I want is for it to be over so I can go back home. It was a mistake to come back here. I should’ve just stayed in Korea and worked on some other case there. I came back for her, and I instantly regretted coming back.
I get up from the sofa and walk towards the kitchen. Nothing but alcohol surrounds the kitchen counter. I’m not even a big drinker, but it’s just easier to be drunk and pass out to just wake up the next day and start all over again. I told her she couldn’t live that way, yet I do the same.
I take the bottles of alcohol and begin to empty them out in the sink. One by one, they empty and go down the drain of the sink. I toss out each bottle and walk back to the fridge to eat something. Nothing is in there. I sighed, closing the fridge.
It’s not even that late in the night yet. It’s about 7:30 and yet I’m ready to just fall asleep. You can’t lose yourself, Jamie. I shut my eyes momentarily and all I see is her. Grace. Confessing to what she did when I was back home.
All of a sudden, there’s a knock on the door. I opened my eyes, looking towards the front door. I wasn’t expecting anyone, and the only people that would come over are–
“Hyung! I know you’re in there!” Shawn. I sighed and walked towards the door and opened it. Standing in the hallway is both Shawn and Kevin; they both sigh once they see me at the door.
“Hyung!” Both Shawn and Kevin say at the same time.
“What are you doing here?” I said emotionless, scratching my head in confusion.
“We came to check on you,” Kevin answered. He clearly looked more annoyed than concerned.
“Thank you, but I’m fine,” I said and began to turn back into the apartment. While closing the door, I hear the door being stopped by someone’s hands. I turn around and see Kevin’s hand on the door. He walks in, with Shawn nervously following him. I rolled my eyes, walking towards the kitchen to get a pot to boil some water.
“If you guys came here for food, I don’t have any,” I said, not looking back at them. I turned around and see them look around the apartment.
“Hyung,” Shawn starts off. “Your apartment is–“
“Filthy,” Kevin continued. I look at Kevin, not in the mood to deal with his shit. Shawn nudges Kevin on the shoulder.
“Kevin!”
“What? I’m being honest. Hyung’s never been this dirty in his life.” Kevin said. I sighed loudly, walking away from the two and into the living room. I begin to pick things up from the floor and toss them in closets, out of the guys’ way.
“Hyung,” Shawn timidly said. I turned around to look at him. He looked nervous. “Are you still mad at us?”
“For what?” I asked. I turn back around and continue to tidy the place up. Shawn doesn’t say anything after that; Kevin does.
“You’ve been distant since the whole night thing with Grace–“
“Ya,” I angrily interrupted. “Stop telling lies.”
“It’s true though,” Shawn finally says. “It’s like you’ve been mad at us for calling you about…” He doesn’t continue, but he knows not to. Kevin on the other hand continues. It’s typical of Kevin to push my buttons.
“About Grace when she was drunk. What the hell happened that night?” Kevin questioned.
“It doesn’t matter,” I answered, moving things to their appropriate place.
“Hyung cut the bullshit,” Kevin said without any emotion behind it. This was the first time Kevin has ever spoken to me like that. I’m his senior, he was just an incoming student when I was about to finish my studies in law school. I don’t know if I should be shocked or mad at Kevin’s response. Clearly, Shawn is shocked at the vulgarity of Kevin’s words.
“Remember who you’re talking to,” I simply replied.
“We’re in America; I’m talking to you as a friend,” Kevin snapped back. “We knew you were able to help her that night, so that’s why we called you.”
“You think I’m mad at you two for calling me to help her?”
“Well, you sure haven’t been around since then.”
“We are working on a case, Kevin.”
“Hyung,” Kevin simply said. “What happened between you and Grace? Didn’t you want to take the case in America to see Grace?” I shut my eyes; I didn’t want to talk about this anymore, but Kevin wouldn’t drop it.
“Jaemin Hyung?” Kevin asked, annoyed.
“Look, it was a mistake to come back here. All I want to do is finish this dumb case and go back home. That’s all.”
“Bullshit,” Kevin spat. Shawn widens his eyes, still shocked at Kevin’s behavior. “Something happened with Grace. What happened? She’s married now? Engaged? Why are you so upset whenever we bring up Grace?”
I couldn’t handle it anymore. That night kept flashing back, her repeating what she did when I was back home. I felt sick to my stomach again, and I wanted nothing more than to forget that night. But, I can’t; I don’t think I’ll ever forget what was said that night. With Kevin hounding me for details, I grew furious. I dropped whatever was in my head and walked straight to him. Shawn was scared; Kevin didn’t budge.
“Grace had an abortion when I was back in Korea. She was pregnant with my child and she didn’t tell me. She killed it before ever telling me.” I said, emotionless. I turned away, not caring if Kevin or Shawn were still standing there. It took a while for them to say something back. To my surprise, it’s Shawn that starts the conversation.
“Maybe Grace had her reasons…” Shawn finally started to say, timid at first.
“Grace probably didn’t have any other choice but to do that,” Kevin said. I was still furious, but hearing Kevin side with the person who literally broke my fucking heart was infuriating.
“She could’ve told me, goddammit!” I yelled. The words echoed through the walls of the apartment.
“Did you talk to her about it?” Kevin asked.
“Kevin, I don’t wanna keep talking about this!” I exploded at him. The thing about Kevin is that he’s never phased with any outbursts or anyone visibly mad at him. I guess that’s what makes him a good lawyer; he knows how to keep his composure in difficult situations.
“And that’s what keeps you from ever working things out with people you love. Remember Seohyun? Literally, you lost her because you didn’t want to talk to her about what’s been bothering her–“
“Leave her out of this. Seohyun isn’t Grace,” I muttered.
“You’re right. You are actually in love with Grace,” Kevin deadpanned. I didn’t say anything after that; I simply didn’t have anything else to say. Grace has always been different than Seohyun, but I never knew why. Either way, both women aren’t something of mine anymore…
“You should talk to her,” Shawn finally said. “Maybe she has a reason why she did what she did…”
“She would’ve told me when we were together,” I said.
“Yeah? And what were you going to do about it all the way across the world?” Kevin questioned. “Hyung, this isn’t like how they deal with these things in Korea. You can’t be mad at her for why she did what she did.”
“She could’ve told me, Kevin! We were clearly still a couple when this happened, so why couldn’t she just tell me that this happening?! I would’ve come to the states to work things out with her, I would’ve helped her! But she didn’t even bother communicating with me the whole time I was even in Korea!” All the frustration I had about this was getting me physically ill. I didn’t know how to handle my unborn child not being important enough for Grace to keep it. It felt like she didn’t care about me doing that like my opinion or my side of things didn’t matter. I didn’t know how to feel, because, on one hand, I understand she did what she thought was best. She wasn’t ready to be a mother to another child. But I didn’t understand why she couldn’t tell me.
“You gotta ask her that,” Kevin simply answered. “There are so many things that had to contribute to this decision. Grace wouldn’t hurt you on purpose, but maybe she physically couldn’t do this for another person. She needed to do something for herself.” The thought of reaching out to Grace to talk about this felt impossible. On one hand, I don’t want to ever see her again, because seeing her again would just open up the wounds I tried so hard to close within the last year. But… Kevin was right; I absolutely loved her, and I have to know what happened. Why. How. I just couldn’t let myself see Grace be this horrible person in my eyes. She’s human, despite how perfect she wants to be.
I took a deep breath and sat on the sofa. I hold my head in my hands, eventually covering my face. I just start sobbing. I don’t move, or breathe; I just allow the tears to come down my face because that’s honestly all I can give out right now. Shawn and Kevin walk to where I am sitting and immediately hug me for comfort. I’m grateful for these two, but I can’t think about anything else besides the what if’s between Grace and me. What if I was here for her? What if she kept it? What if we got married and had our little family? The questions are endless, and I feel like I already lost her due to my lack of assertiveness and fighting for what I truly want. I always wanted Grace, but now it’s too late to even think that to be a possibility.
I just don’t know how much more i can take from Grace hurting me.
Letters From Liz. 