Category: Misc.

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

Last year during the Twelve Days of TNTHmas, I wrote a post doing a retrospect of 2017, and now that we are now a week away from a brand new year, I wanted to share some things I learned during 2018.

To say the least, 2018 was an unexpecting year. I entered the year on a good note, I spent my 24th birthday with my partner in Poughkeepsie, I was preparing my Masters’ graduation later in the year; I was determined to make 2018 a much better year than what 2017 was.

Things don’t always work out the way you want them to, do they? In a nutshell, 2018 was a very informative year, which was something that I personally needed to experience in order to understand and put the necessary things out in the universe in order to live life the way I want. In other words, I had some growing up to do.

1. First and foremost, I learned that it’s okay to experience the spectrum of emotions like an actual human being. I always took pride in being the “strong one” within my family, and emotions like sadness and confusion didn’t belong in my body. When it came to my own mind, I considered voicing those emotions were a sign of weakness; that I wasn’t the happy, bubbly person I’d like to be 24/7. But life happens. I’ve had issues in personal relationships in my life, I was experiencing untreated anxiety and depression for half of the year, and I lost my grandfather to cancer during the summer. Through therapy, I am learning that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, confused, and most importantly: it’s okay to grieve passed loved ones. I do find myself not allowing myself to feel these things and voice them out at times, but I’m learning little by little. It took me a while to really enforce something like this.
2. The people in your life aren’t going to completely understand how your anxiety works, but that doesn’t mean you should minimize your mental health for the sake of others. This is also something that took me a while to learn because there’s such a fine line between giving those in your life the benefit of the doubt for not completely understanding, and then still wanting them to understand it? In other words, there’s a difference between understanding it and respecting it. I learned that people aren’t going to take your mental health seriously if you don’t take it seriously, in all honesty. It’s so easy to make an anxiety joke or a quarter-life crisis type of joke, but if you put that energy out there about it, that’s the type of energy you’ll get back. So make it known that your mental health is important to you and that you deserve the people you love the most to respect that.
3. BE ASSERTIVE WITH YOURSELF. One thing I used to tell myself in the past is that I needed to be more selfish with myself. Don’t keep friends that treat you poorly, know when to say no to things and to people, and take care of your mind and heart. Although it is important to know and see your own worth, the word “selfish” felt like a word that was too one-sided for me. When I started to voice these things to my therapist, she brought up the word “assertive”. While selfish is more of a perspective projected from other people, assertive is an action that you are in control of. Once I started to keep being assertive at the back of my mind at all times, I was able to be more vocal about some of the wants and needs I may have needed from those around me, and for myself as well. Being assertive simply meant that I needed to speak up and use my voice in situations I’d be too afraid to use it in.

 

2018, in a nutshell, was the year of self-awareness and self-courage. It was the year that I swallowed my pride and started to take care of myself in ways that I needed to. It was the year that I learned my limits, my morals, my beliefs, and so much more. The person I was leaving 2017 this time last year is someone that I don’t remember, but I know that this time next year, I’ll be able to look back and see that I’m where I’m at because 2018 me took these steps to get there. I hope 2019 brings me happiness, stability, a job, adventures, and more self-growth.

Merry Christmas (eve), everybody!

-Liz. (:

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

Let’s get straight into the post: During my TAship this past semester, I usually sat outside in the lounge area before the class started, minding my business, eating some sort of snack because ya girl was hungry af. Every time someone passed by, they either didn’t pay no mind to me or just glanced at me and kept it pushing. Me? I got very self-conscious and thought they were looking at me eat. I would try to hide the fact that I was eating in public, thinking that people who passed by me thought it was a crime for a girl my size to be eating in public. Then, I had to ask myself, “well, who gives a shit if people see me eat in public? I’m a human being that gets hungry too?” Hence, this post came about.

I feel like many of our full-figured folks have an insecurity of eating in public and even in front of people that we call our friends. It’s cool and quirky when a skinny person can eat like Jughead Jones in the original Archie Comics, but it’s a sin for a fat person to eat for the sake of eating in public? Why do we believe that the act of eating determines just how fat we are when in reality, most people aren’t fat because of eating in the first place. Why do we starve ourselves in public for the sake of saving us embarrassment or shame for being fat when eating is just a basic human activity and need to do?

How did this idea become so common for fat people in the first place?

While it’s hard to break old habits and ideologies and think more progressively, please remind yourself that you are human and you’re allowed to perform basic human needs in public. Yes, say that you are hungry and should stop at a place to eat. Yes, get something that you want and not opt out for a “salad” or something that you know isn’t going to fill you up for the rest of the day. Yes, eat your food and feed that body of yours because you’re fucking allowed to.

Personally, I know how hard it could be breaking that toxic cycle. It took me a couple of years after meeting my partner to finally feel comfortable eating how I want and what I want in front of him; prior to that, I used to lie and say I wasn’t hungry when clearly you were able to hear my stomach growl for food. It’s not easy to not automatically say no to eating in public when you’ve been that way so long, but it’s so important to break out of that mindset. Continuing to live your life in fear of eating in public is only going to develop into possibly not eating at all/purging behind closed doors. In a nutshell, an eating disorder can begin to develop.

So, for your own safety and health: listen to your body. Listen to its signs of when you need to eat; don’t let social anxiety or shame seep in the way of your basic human needs, especially during the holiday season. Remember, fat people are humans, and we are entitled to fulfill that need of food when hunger strikes. You’re not fat for eating in public, you’re taking care of yourself by eating when its necessary!

Best to believe another snack was eaten every single Thursday night until the end of the semester!

-Liz. (:

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

So, December was actually a really good month for me, and I truly believe that it was because I actively got myself to do things I wouldn’t normally do. You know that expression that people say; something along the lines of “say yes to every opportunity”? I’ve pretty much have been saying yes to a lot of things in life, and because of it I’ve been on many adventures and made tons of memories doing so. Also in my time of exploring, I’ve gotten to try many new things, some in which are now some of my favorite things of the month.

So without further ado, let’s get into some of my favorite moments!

1.) SparklyWarTanks “Mighty Mic” Event

Participating at Nina’s open mic event about anxiety and depression allowed me to share my story and my journey through my own personal anxiety and depression. For the event, I read “It’s My Turn”: A Dear Jane Letter, which was posted on the blog a little over a month ago and it has become one of my favorite pieces I’ve written in 2018, to be honest. Listening to other people discuss their stories and journeys were powerful, and I’m immensely proud of Nina for providing a safe space for people to open up and speak out about mental health.

2.) Weekend at Tori’s in Pennsylvania

I won’t go too much into detail about this highlight since it’s already written as a travel diary on TNTH, but seeing my college friend after not seeing her for a year and a half was such a great and amazing experience. Like I mention in my travel diary, this was my first time ever taking a solo trip, so I was so glad that it was a successful trip. Our friendship is one that I know will last a very long time because even after all this time, nothing changed between us. I honestly can’t wait to make this a regular thing in the upcoming year!

Now for some favorites!

3.) Girls’ Generation (SNSD)

Ever since discovering TWICE earlier this year, I’ve slowly started to immerse myself into the K-Pop world. Groups that are in the business right now are considered to be third generation boy/girl groups, so it was weird that I started to gravitate towards an older group, Girls’ Generation. Girls’ Generation debuted in South Korea in 2007, during the era that boy bands were superior and more well-known. They definitely played a major role in putting girl groups on the map, and I could understand why the group was so well-received. They were a group that was able to grow with your audience as they got older, as well as experiment with different concepts without looking or feeling awkward. They were also all well-rounded international speakers, two in which were born in the United States. Although 4 of its members left the agency and the group, Girls’ Generation will probably always be the girl group, and this month I found myself jamming to their hits.

4.) Joanna Ceddia

If you are a hardcore YouTuber like me, you would’ve heard about Joanna Ceddia’s unique uprising within the past couple of months. Joanna Ceddia is a 17-year-old Canadian YouTuber that gained 1 million subscribers in three weeks. Three weeks, yes, you heard right. Whether or not you heard of her, checked her out and found her content annoying or too “Gen Z-ish”, I found myself obsessed with her content. With people comparing her to “relatable YouTubers” like Emma Chamberlin and Tana Mongeau, I find her to be nothing compared to them, in all honesty. Yes, she makes an extreme amount of silly and mindless type of videos, but she carries this aura that lets her videos know that she’s most likely this quirky and weird in real life as well. When she’s not DIYing her wedding dress or Christmas Tree costume, she gives her viewers a pretty clear image that she’s a pretty smart teenager for her age. She raves about books she reads, she is an athlete, and she has a vocabulary much superior to mine, to be honest. She really does represent the type of YouTube that was before the sponsorships, fancy cameras, production companies, and the business YouTube really is nowadays. Say what you want by her sudden overnight climb to YouTube success; she’s pretty funny.

5.) This Brown Purse

This purse was purchased during my trip to Pennsylvania earlier this month. My friend was showing me around a place called Hobby Lobby, which is basically like a Homegoods and Michaels put into one store (I think for the most part) and I came across this beauty and needed to buy her. Originally, she was 20 bucks, but Tori hooked me up with a 40% off coupon, and this bitch was 12 dollars. TWELVE DOLLARS. Needless to say, there needs to be an NYC opening of Hobby Lobby as soon as possible. My first apartment will be covered in Hobby Lobby decor; I will bet on it!

And that’s about it!

December was such a fun month; I hope January is just as fun!

 

-Liz. (:

 

 

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

First and foremost, I hope everyone is enjoying TNTHmas thus far; I really can’t believe that we are halfway done with it! Honestly, it does not feel like Christmas is only six days away, and there’s a valid reason why for me, it doesn’t feel like Christmas.

Now, this isn’t me being a Humbag of some sorts; I very much do enjoy the atmosphere of the holiday spirit. I love having Christmas decorations up in my apartment, I enjoy looking at the lit houses at night, and I’m a sucker for Christmas music! Around this time every year, I am wrapping up gifts and putting them under my tree to open them on Christmas Eve, and like the overgrown child I am, I get excited o see all the neat stuff my family gifted to me. This year, though, that’s not happening. Actually, my family and I aren’t celebrating Christmas this year the way we usually do.

2018, to say the least, has been very rough for not just my immediate family, but for my extended family as well. in April, my cousins lost their grandfather on my uncle’s side, and in July, my sister and I lost our grandfather on my mother’s side. My aunt’s family, my family, and especially my grandmother lost a lot this year. The holiday season is especially hard for all sides due to these losses that we had over the year. Also, on top of that, my family recently had a couple of health scares, which left us busy occupied on being there for them in their time of need. So, in the most simple way possible: celebrating Christmas this year just doesn’t feel completely right, and I understand it.

Not celebrating it with gifts and the stress that the holidays carry is teaching me that honestly, Christmas isn’t about all of that. It’s not about buying gifts and wrapping them and stressing out about the quality of your gift. It’s not about buying things on sale and having a million boxes arrive at your doorstep in hopes that it’s before Christmas. The holidays have become just this big pile of consumer bullshit that society has fallen under, which makes the holidays more stressful than enjoyable most of the time.

What I’m learning as an adult that the holidays are a hard time financially and mentally, and gift-giving doesn’t equal “love” in any type of way. Once the anxiety of buying and wrapping gifts is over, that stress of Christmas is gone until the following year. I never hear any more just how thankful people just are to be able to see their family at the end of the year during the holidays. After losing someone in my family consecutively every year for the past three, I realize that it’s a blessing if you’re able to see your family make it through another whole year together. I realize that as long as you get to spend the holidays with your family, that’s just an accomplishment all on its own.

I know this may sound completely cheesy and overly dramatic, but you have to understand that some people’s stories aren’t like everyone else’s. Some people don’t get the pleasure of being with their families during the holidays. Some people don’t have families to see during the holidays. Some kids don’t get the pleasure of believing in a Santa Claus because there are no gifts under their trees on Christmas morning. Sometimes, these things really can happen to anyone. This time last year, I didn’t know something like this would happen to our family.

So yes, while the whole act of gift-giving and being happy to see your loved ones adore the gifts you got them, remember that that’s just a small portion of what the holidays represent. Remember that the holidays are for you and the people you love most in life, whether that be friends, family, partners, etc. The people in your life are some of the greatest gifts you’ll have in life. Trust me.

-Liz. (:

October 4th, 2018.

It’s way too hot for it to be considered Autumn. I flipped through all of the drawers of my dresser to find something to wear on this already frightening day. It was finally the day I got up in front of my grad students and spoke about my thesis and grad school experience for the majority of the class. No matter how many times I rehearsed it in my head, in the shower, in an empty room of my apartment; I was still fucking nervous. To say the least: I was an anxious mess in the hours prior. I worried if I was validated enough to even do something like this. Will they like me? Will they appreciate hearing my experience? Will they find me a nuisance? Something bad was bound to happen, I kept telling myself in my head, and I hope that it wasn’t true.

I arrived later to the campus than I actually wanted to; that’s how much of a mess I was for most of the day. By the time I got there, the class was about to start in 30 minutes, and I had just a little amount of time before it was finally time to get up there and share my experience, and how I got where I’m at. I smiled and said hi to all of my grad students when they walked into class, trying to distract myself from what was going to happen. My former thesis advisor walked up to me and greeted me, to in which I blabbered out how nervous I was. Of course, she reassured me, telling me I was going to be fine and that ultimately, this is about me and my process. After one class presentation later, it was now my time to do my thing.

Please let me get through this without any hiccups.

I placed my powerpoint slides on the projector and panicked a little when my former thesis advisor left the room to grab some water and start without her. Shit, I’m basically in control now. I looked out into the classroom of grad students looking up at the board, at me, wherever really. I didn’t know how to start this presentation without it being way too awkward, so I just opened it up with some background of where the hell these slides came from and how much of my thesis I’ll be reading from tonight. I even made a joke about how if I were to read my 40-page thesis, we’d be here until next Thursday. Some laughed. Some didn’t. I took a deep breath and began reading what I prepared.

I began the reading feeling okay about it; it was nothing to be worried about besides here and there where I got nervous and stuttered a bit. You got this, Liz. Fuck that speech impediment and do your thing, girl! I looked up here and there to see if the class was into what I was saying because I’m insecure like that, and noticed that there were these friends who were talking among each other, laughing. Immediately, I felt exposed. Not knowing if they were just having a conversation about whatever to themselves or laughing at me for stumbling over easy ass words here and there, I immediately felt myself disappear.

The words looked blurry on the paper. It felt like my heartbeat was in my ears. I couldn’t hear the words coming out of my mouth. My vision was impaired, my body felt sniff, I felt like I was floating, yet I had no control over what I was doing. My body was not mine at that moment, it just felt like a statue.

Liz, you’re dissociating. It’s fine, it’s cool, just fucking focus. Don’t let your anxiety win tonight. Prove yourself wrong.

I took a deep breath. I made it known that I was extremely nervous. For the most part, the class supported me. They said I was doing great. To keep going. So I did.

I don’t know when I began to focus, and I don’t know when I stopped caring if people were listening to me or not, but I remember looking calm. I remember feeling calm. I remember cursing like a sailor because I tend to curse my mind out when I’m nervous and passionate; good thing you can’t tell the difference in person, but most importantly, I remember reminding myself why I’m there in the first place. I wanted to help others out by sharing my story in a sense. I wanted to give others the guidance and advice I didn’t get when I was in their position. I wanted to reassure them that they will make it out with a damn degree like I did. I also wanted to conquer my own fears of public speaking and challenge my anxiety a bit. Standing up there every week for that class is a constant battle I am fighting against my anxiety.

I challenge my anxiety and sometimes anxiety fights back by having me dissociate from time to time.

Standing up there every week, I find myself dissociating. It may not be publicly noticeable (most dissociation isn’t), but I know when I am. I don’t hear the words come out of my mouth, I get sidetracked, I forget what I’m saying mid-sentence & have to pause to remember what the hell I’m talking about, but I eventually get over that feeling. I began to focus and observe the class. I take mental notes on how I’m doing and how the class is doing and I remember why I’m there.

**Dissociation is something you shouldn’t feel ashamed of if you experience it! Just because you dissociate doesn’t mean you now have DID, so please do not confuse the two! DID is a mental disorder, dissociation is a behavior/reaction due to a very nerve-wracking/anxious environment! Of course, not everyone experiences dissociation the same, so please acknowledge that the way I experience it will be/can be completely different than someone else!**

In other words: it happens, especially when you’re challenging yourself in the environments that trigger the most anxiety. The key to overcoming it, in my opinion, is to challenge it back. Don’t let it take over you and defeat your purpose of doing something. Don’t let it discourage you and hating an experience that didn’t actually go as bad as you think! In my experience leading a class that night, I received feedback I didn’t expect and it felt fucking amazing. 

In my self-discovery, I am learning to challenge these parts of myself in order to take back control of my body. Dissociation & anxiety do not own me. Neither should it own you.

 

-Liz. (:

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

Can you believe Christmas is nine days away? I mean, wasn’t it just Halloween, and now Christmas is around the corner? Before you know it, TNTH will be celebrating its 2nd year being a blog!

Whether you are a writer yourself, or just a person who likes to read other people’s work, I know how scary and hard it could be to start a new project. To be honest with you guys, TNTH was a blog that just… happened. It wasn’t this big planned thing that I was dying to do for years. TNTH honestly just happened one Friday night out of curiosity and here we are, almost two years later.

Other people who start huge create projects similar to a blog or a YouTube channel or whatever will probably tell you a better reason they started theirs; it’s a passion of theirs, they want to kickstart their business, they want to spread their word around the internet, etc. At first, I started TNTH for me. I had just wrapped up my first semester of grad school at the time, and I began to feel like I had no opportunity to write creatively anymore. In order to keep myself and my writing as creative as possible, I started TNTH. The name TNTH, (or Today’s News, Tomorrow’s Headline), came about because it was the name of my Tumblr blog back when Tumblr was at its highest peak. I wanted to use Tumblr as a real blog, but quickly fell into the hole of just reblogging images from other people. So, in creating TNTH on WordPress, I wanted to share all of these things that I never did before: I wanted to give people tips on how I survived college and grad school. I wanted to talk about the type of music that other people might enjoy listening to. I wanted a platform to express my thoughts on issues without writing a novel-length status on Facebook. As I started to see what type of content I enjoyed writing, I started to realize what my purpose of TNTH really was.

I wanted to be the voice for people who were too afraid to use theirs.

As a person who was once afraid to speak up and express myself, I know how beneficial it is to read and see how other people like me got to where they are. I followed many introverts on their journeys to success and wondered just how they got to the place they are in now. It’s inspirational, it’s motivational, and it feels good to know that there are people out there just like me who are able to make their dreams come true, or just live healthier lives. It’s extremely difficult to break out of patterns you are so used to; you even start to feel if not speaking out is just a part of your personality. But, everyone deserves to be heard. Everyone deserves a chance to express who they are as people and the things that make up their being. It’s so interesting to hear other people’s and their stories; everyone has one to tell. So, I made it my mission to use TNTH as a place to place help people realize that their voices matter and that it’s their strongest and loudest instrument. It definitely became an even stronger mission when I began to struggle with my mental health late last year/this year.

So, I wish my origin story was an interesting one. I wish it was something as storytelling as some famous YouTubers in why they started their channels all those years ago. But, my story and my mission was always simple: I just want to keep my voice going, while showing people that you could have your voice heard.

So, here’s to almost two years of TNTH! Thank you guys so much for being a part of my journey, and for continuing to come back and support TNTH. If you are thinking about starting a new big project, I say go for it. Now is the right time to do something that you’re passionate about. Do it because you can at least say that you tried it out. Do it because you want to!

Just friggin’ do it already. You never know what could happen.

 

-Liz. (:

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH.

One of these days, I really should thank my therapist for helping me come up with ideas for Self-Appreciation Saturdays; a lot of what we discuss are easily SAS posts within themselves. I say that because, in the recent months, we’ve both noticed a pattern of behavior that could possibly link most of my anxiety together: I’m a person that seeks approval from others.

And she’s not wrong. I know for a fact my anxiety flares up the most when I feel like I’ve disappointed another person for if I’m doing something that a loved one may not approve of, and I constantly worry about bring issues up because I don’t want to upset people in the making. It’s weird though: I find myself doing these things because they just are so natural to me when in reality, there are the same reasons why defending myself and making big decisions in my life are so hard for me to do, but that’s a different story for a different day.

What I’m trying to point out is that seeking approval from others isn’t such a foreign thing to do; many of us do that. Seeking approval from others typically stem from places of self-doubt, insecurities, and low self-esteem. It stems from a lack of self-confidence. Normally, seeking out advice is not a bad thing to do preferably for some guidance through something, seeking approval is pretty much saying that these other people have your life in their hands. You don’t allow yourself to make risky decisions and learn from them yourself. It restricts you from your freedom. 

By seeking approval, you’re losing such important parts of yourself that ultimately make you, you. You’re left living your life like a Sim character, to say the least. Your decisions are influenced by those around you, you’re left constantly telling yourself that you don’t mean shit unless someone tells you that you are validated. Your self-worth is left in the hands of other people, and I’m slowly learning that no matter how much it feels good to have other people see worth in you (I mean, doesn’t that say that to the universe that you’re a good person?), if you don’t feel that and know it for yourself, you will forever be seeking that validation of self-worth. RuPaul said it best: if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else?

As a person who is actively trying to make decisions and seek validation for myself and to myself, I understand how hard it could be to break out of that toxic cycle. I know how hard it could be to not be so afraid of what other people may think or say regarding this big decision or anything regarding yourself in that matter. I know how frustrating it could be to have this desire to stop seeking approval or to had built up this courage of thinking and doing things for yourself and then ultimately regret it because you’re back to seeking that same approval from others. It’s not an easy thing to do, so please give yourself some time, patience, and persistence to achieve something to this degree. Doing this goes completely against who you are as a person and what you learned as a human being. But please, let’s stop seeking approval and start just doing because it’s our life and our decision to make.

Let your journey of self-discovery begin, guys.

 

-Liz. (:

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

First and foremost, I will like to welcome you guys back and I apologize for being gone for so long! A lot has happened since then, to say the least. Not only have I found some light at the end of my own personal dark tunnels, but I also learned a lot of life lessons that I hope to carry on throughout the rest of my journey, and even more so the rest of my life.

To start things off, we have to go back and explain where I’ve been. A little over a month ago, I was in a really dark place. I was diagnosed with major depression, which was something that I wasn’t shocked at. I was crying every single day, I felt like I was sad more than happy during my days, and I felt hopeless and without purpose. This time last month, I was suicidal, and it was the first time that I had a plan to execute if I were to ever get deep enough to do it. That scared me. It scared me because I felt like I was on constant survival mode, it’s like I had to protect my life from myself if that makes sense. When word came out about these suicidal thoughts to my therapist and psychiatrist, it was a lot to handle, to say the least. It was hard to explain what I was feeling in those low moments. It was hard to explain why and what was causing these thoughts to get to this place. Mostly, it was uncomfortable to hear myself voice out why I was suicidal in the first place. From that moment, I knew I had to take some time to get my life back together. It was about time I took care of myself. Along the way, I made rash decisions for a quick fix. I’m glad I was able to reverse those rash decisions now that I have a clearer mind. But the process was necessary. The process of literally sitting in my room, alone, allowed me to see that nothing and no one was going to help me out of this funk and that I needed to do this for myself in the long run.

So, in my time off, I tried to get out as much as possible. I tried to challenge my anxious thoughts and do as much as I could fit into my schedule. I went and finished my TAship this past week, I spoke at a thesis panel for another graduate class, and I spoke about my anxiety in front of an audience for the first time at an old friend & fellow writer, SparklyWarTanks, event. The more I was able to get myself out of the house and kept busy, the more I was able to focus on other things, and have things to look forward to. Slowly, I am learning that remaining productive is what keeps me going, and it keeps me focused on the task at hand. I finally feel like I’m going towards the right direction toward things, and I finally feel like I’m gaining the confidence and assertiveness I’ve been keeping in mind throughout my whole mental health journey. Of course, I am far from where I would like to be, but at least I know I’m working to get there.

As for where I’m going: I’m not sure yet. 

Of course, I am taking every day one day at a time, and for a person like me it’s scary to not have a plan in order for my future, but things happen for a reason. Perhaps the path and journey I am on will lead me to bigger and better things in the future. Maybe something unexpected will come my way, maybe the work I am doing now will pay off in the future. Whatever life has in store for me, I know it was meant for me to witness, learn, and grow from the experience. The holiday season is in full swing, the new year is just weeks away, and my birthday is next month! Also, I am currently spending the weekend with an old college friend that I haven’t seen in over a year, so I’m excited to see what the future holds!

As for anyone who may be going through their own dark place currently, it will get better. You will get through whatever you may be personally going through. You are strong, you are worth it, and your life is worth living. Don’t ever stop fighting, you are worth the fight.

Here’s to 12 days of TNTHmas, and the countdown of a new year!

Happy Holidays!

-Liz. (:

Hey, girl. It’s about time we had a good long talk.

First and foremost, I wanted to say thank you for teaching me a lot about life this past year. You taught me that in certain situations, there is more than meets the eye. You taught me to not be so naive to the evils in life, and that sometimes you come around because there are legitimate times where I need to protect my heart, soul, and mind from those said evils. You’ve witnessed evils enter my life in the past, and I know you’re around to help me figure out what’s real in things, and what’s there just to watch me fall.

You taught me diligence. You showed me that the things that matter in life deserve a second glance at, that you exist solely for me to be careful with the things that hold great value to me. You exist because a deeper part of me is trying to tell my body that I can do better, be better, and grow without losing the things that make me, me.

You taught me patience. You proved to me time and time again you’re a force to be wrecking with, and that this time, you were not going away unnoticed and unheard. I heard you that one night when I wandered in my neighborhood five days before Christmas wondering how my life got this fucking shitty in a matter of months. I heard you crying out the night I cried out while writing a thesis draft, working on a group presentation, and writing a short paper all due on the same day. I heard you screaming that one night where I couldn’t breathe and couldn’t put in words to my partner what was happening to me. I heard you, and I’m patient with you. You showed me that my coping mechanisms weren’t going to work this time; I was not a teenager anymore that had most of her life planned out by her family. I’m a twenty-four-year-old woman with no one holding my hand anymore because I’m the one holding it.

You taught me acceptance. You made it known that you exist, and all you wanted for me to do was accept you for what you are; that you are a hot mess living in the gray areas of life, not ever having a definite answer about what’s the right or wrong way to things. That you are sadness and self-judgment and low self-esteem that built itself from middle-school bullies, misunderstandings, failed relationships, emotional abuse, weight-gain and unhealthy solutions to these issues. You are fear of never being good enough, you are a comfort zone, you are a villain. But you are also a part of me that will never completely vanish; yeah you may become less malicious, but you are a part of me as I’m a part of you. Because of that, I accept you for your flaws, and I’m not ashamed to speak about you for my own well-being.

Lastly, you taught me self-awareness. You taught me that there are parts that are dark, sad, fearful, and worried; the opposite of what I try to portray to everyone else. You made me aware of my human-ness again, that I’m allowed to be sad and have bad days. I’m allowed to cry. I’m allowed to be cautious. I’m allowed to be afraid and scared. I’m allowed to go through the spectrum of emotions that make me human, and that these demons that reside in me have been living in me for far too long. You showed me that I’m going through a transition in life that was not meant to be easy, but to get through it, I needed to be honest with my complete self, which meant that my toxic and bad traits needed to be aware of. 

While I am thankful for you teaching me these things, I’ve noticed you overstayed your welcome. You’ve started to take over parts of me that are damaging to my body and my outside world. You seem to be making me hate myself more often. You seem to be encouraging behavior in me that I will not tolerate.

With that being said, I am picking up where you left off, and healing in a way that benefits me. 

Every day, I am finding new ways to take care of me and this body, all in while trying to live my life as a young adult. I am finding ways to manage your erratic outbursts, I am trying to not let you make me believe that I’m in this alone and that I don’t deserve anyone, ever. I am worthy of good things, I am worthy of laughter, I am worthy of happiness without the constant wonder of its authenticity. As I’m taking the necessary steps forward to grow, prosper, accept, and to honestly just live, I am also learning how to overcome you.

Thank you for teaching me all these things that make up my being, but it’s time for me to use them on my own.

It’s my turn.

Hey, guys – welcome back to TNTH!

With November just making its entrance, you all must’ve heard to get up off your asses and vote in this year’s election! Although the Presidental election isn’t for another 2 years, it is extremely important to not make the same mistake we made during the last presidential election in 2016. So please, go and register to vote!

I say this because, in every aspect of your life, your voice matters. You are allowed to be heard. You have the right to express yourself and use your voice hopefully for good. Spread awareness about the things that matter the most, like expressing outrage of the Trump Administration trying to erase the identities of transgender people currently happening and how he wants to abolish the 14th Amendment by ending birthright citizenship. Express yourself on issues such as discrimination and injustice, women’s rights, mental health; pretty much everything that matters right now in the world.

I will be the first to admit that I take my voice for granted. I sometimes feel like my voice is just one little squeaky thing in a room full of louder, better people. Sometimes, I fail to realize that all voices are voices, period. They express, they discuss, they have something to say, and taking it for granted isn’t right. We live in such a progressive time where changing the status quo and changing the type of voices being spoken for us need to change.

Using your voice is more than just speaking out. It’s writing your truth for awareness. It’s getting up from your house and taking a stance at a voting booth and vote for change in our democracy. It’s standing up for a person who is forced to be silent. Using your voice is about being outspoken in so many different areas, and truly not giving a fuck what anyone thinks or says about you.

I speak because I was told my anxiety and my mental health didn’t matter at one point. I speak because I was mentally abused. I speak because I have people in my life who I love that are being targeted by either having them killed or having their identities erased as if they aren’t real fucking human beings. I speak because I am tired of being afraid to speak when I know that my voice matters.

Many of us are tired of being silenced in one aspect of our lives, and it’s slowly changing.

-Liz. (: