Category: Misc.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

It is now officially August, which means it’s BLOGUST! That’s right: for the next 31 days, you will be getting a daily dosage of our letters! We started this series last year, and I honestly loved dedicating my time and focus on something I was really enjoying, so a year later we’re bringing it back!

Last year, we started the series with a reintroduction, and in the spirit of Blogust, we’ll be doing the same thing. Let’s face it, we change within the time span of a year.

So, without further ado: Hi, I’m Liz!

My first name is Elizabeth for those who may not know, and years ago I had some sort of identity crisis over it. I used to believe that “Elizabeth” and “Liz” were two different people; kinda like how teachers are Mr./Ms. whats-her-face, and with a more personal group of people, you are on a first name basis. I truly thought Elizabeth was this person I had no access to; she was the better person I was supposed to be in the future. Nowadays, I treat my name like a goddamn name: you will call me Elizabeth if you chose to do so, or you will call me Liz. Preferably, I like Liz better than my actual first name, but so be it. 

I’m a fat, Italian/Puerto-Rican 25-year-old woman from NYC. Like I mentioned last year, NYC is truly my home, and I don’t know if I see myself ever leaving it, but I do hope that people who come visit or decide to move here don’t see it with rose-tinted glasses, because NYC is not as glamorous and amazing as people think it is. But then again, I’m a resident here, not just a person on vacation that does commonly known tourist things, y’know?

Also, yeah, I’m fat. Calling myself fat isn’t a negative thing either, so don’t think to even say, “don’t say that, you’re beautiful!” I say it because it’s facts: I’m fat, and it’s taken me a very long time to come to terms with that and start accepting my body for what it is. You can actually read my journey of self-acceptance called Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Also, I’m half Italian, half Puerto-Rican! When I was younger, I looked a lot more Hispanic than I currently do, but between my sibling and I, I definitely have more of my father’s looks than them. Being half-white and half-Latina sometimes mean that people question my Hispanic heritage, or consider me to be completely white when in reality, I’m just half. Although I know I carry a white privilege from being Italian American, some of my loved ones from my Puerto-Rican family, including my father, have been racially profiled by authority and wrongfully committed for simply minding their business. Although I know I will never have to face these issues that my Hispanic side does, I still identify as both white and Hispanic, and I stand by what’s right in society and try to use my white privilege as much as I can to help those who are silenced by white supremacy.

Whew, that got heavy. Let’s continue:

Within the last year, I’ve been enjoying a lot of different types of music, thanks to the neighborhood I live in and to my partner that’s a walking Shazam machine, I kid you not. I live in a neighborhood with predominantly Asian people, and every now and then, I come across flyers and music playing that is KPop. A year ago, I discovered KPop in a laundromat, and the rest is history. Since then, I find myself listening to more KPop than mainstream Top 40 these days, and at first, I was quite embarrassed to share my interest in KPop, but as time went on, those around me have come to learn that I’m a big fan of KPop. If you guys will like to see some of my recommendations (I mainly listen to girl groups; I’m not a boy group kind of gal), you can read my KPop Favorites, as well as my KPop Rookies Favorites. I also listen to a lot of oldies but goodies, meaning I like to listen to music from the 80’s, 90’s, and early 2000’s. I was born in 1994, so I grew up with 90’s music, and my whole adolescence years were surrounded by music from the 2000’s, and I just really enjoying listening to old gems I forgot about all these years! I guess you can say I hit that age where I don’t really know mainstream Top 40 music anymore…

I have social anxiety disorder as well as major depressive disorder, and because I do, I am a huge mental health advocate. I was diagnosed with SAD last summer and MDD during the holiday season, and I talk about my journey and the topics I struggle with so publicly because I hope that one day, mental health will be taken seriously and that people will stop thinking of mental health as some sort of taboo. We are in a generation where mental health issues are quickly multiplying, and it’s so important that these issues get treated and helped by a doctor like it was your own physical health. I’ve written tons and tons of letters on my own mental health journey, so you can find some to read anywhere on the blog.

Although writing is my craft and I identify myself as being a writer, my passion as expanded into academics; rhetoric & writing composition to be exact. In grad school, I took a course that ultimately changed my life forever, and although I will always love writing, my next challenge is to help college students and college-bound students take ownership of their writing and to not be afraid to express their voices through their writing, despite popular belief. My Master’s Thesis speaks more about this topic, and I’m currently turning that piece into a journal article for an academic journal. I hope that in the near future, I become an academic advisor for college students to help the next generation of students have a smoother experience in their college life.

Lastly, although sometimes it’s hard for me to tackle things and keep going forward with all the amazing things I’d like to accomplish because of my depression, I am still very happy with myself and who I’m becoming. This time last year it was rough for me; my grandfather had just passed away and a lot of my inner demons wouldn’t let me relax and focus on myself or whatever I needed, but things time around I feel a lot more confident, in control, and willing to improve no matter what aspect of my life it is.

There you have it, folks! Day 1 of Blogust has wrapped up! Stay tuned for the other 30 days to come for Blogust!

 

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, it’s the end of July, and to be quite honest with all of you, I’m going through a really bad writer’s block. All of the content I’ve been writing for this past month has been for preparation for Blogust, which starts in TWO DAYS!

Because of this, I feel like I’ve been sort of away from the blog in a way. Meaning, I feel like I haven’t had any sort of update on my personal life and what’s currently going on that’s not this blog.

So, whatcha been up to, Liz?!

Well, in regards to being productive, I am currently in the research part of my project with my co-writer. For the last two months, we’ve read tons of articles for our collab article piece, having meetings to discuss some of the key points, and we are soon going to start the writing process, which I’m the most nervous about. It feels like I’m writing my thesis all over again, just with a higher and more qualified person helping me write it as well. Nevertheless, the writing process is going to be a long one, so I’m happy to at least entering the second, and longest stage of the project!

This past month, I read Vershawn Young’s newest book, Other People’s English: Code-Meshing, Code-Switching, and African American Literacy, which discusses a lot about languages being used inside the classroom setting and how minoritized groups of students should be able to express themselves in the language they are most comfortable in and without forcing them to strip away their identity to “act white” in their writing in academic and professional settings. In other words: SAE shouldn’t be the only language that is considered a “successful” one. Like the Obamas who’ve used the technique of code-meshing to maintain their identity in a position of power, we can still be ourselves and be successful. Just saying.

So yeah! A lot of writing studies and rhetoric composition being read this summer!

While I do that, I’ve also been job hunting, which has been a process within itself. It’s taken me a lot of self-talks to become a little more realistic in what I would like to do, and some encouragement from my partner to keep me level-headed every now and then whenever I find myself being more of a dreamer than a person with a plan. I’m not saying dreams aren’ unreachable, but work needs to be put into them to be able to achieve them, and sometimes that requires doing things you wanted to avoid. Yeah, maybe working a couple of hours of retail may help me achieve my goddamn dreams in life. I am still quite okay with the process I’m making, but I am getting a little antsy hoping that something will strike.

Regarding mental health: I’ve been doing pretty good! My anxiety and depression aren’t as troublesome as it usually is during the summer (I easily get more depressed in the summer) so I consider that an enormous step towards my healing journey! Of course, there are times when I go through a depressive episode and there are times when I’m feeling extremely anxious to the point of having an anxiety attack, but I am opening and more comfortable having them because I have a better understanding of what I have to do in order to overcome them. So, I’m good, she’s good, and the house we live in is good as well.

I’ve still been trying to enjoy my summer every now and then, whether it’s going out with my partner on the weekends, or going to the community pool with my sibling. Instead of letting the hot weather control me (which it still does to an extent), I am trying my best to enjoy it for what it is and to stay happy and productive! It’s so easy to just stay in the house cooped up in my room with my AC on, and although it’s nice to do something like that after a long day of productivity, I wouldn’t want to spend all of my days just sitting there.

Nothing is that exciting in my life, but I’m glad that it’s going a lot better than it did this time last year. Last year, I had just lost my grandfather to cancer, and dealing with that plus my mental health was a lot for me to handle, and I honestly wasn’t in the greatest place last summer. I’m just happy that this summer, I am a lot calmer and mentally healthier.

That’s about it! I hope you guys are excited for Blogust 2019! We’ll be returning some series throughout the month: voiceless rant, creative pieces, Overexposed, and maybe even some Self-Appreciation Saturdays Sundays! I hope you guys enjoy all the content coming your way!

Thank you guys for your neverending support.

 

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, we’re doing something a little different on the blog today. Today (as in the day I am writing this) is Thursday, July 18th. I say that because it’s pretty important to point out that this section of this post is before the official results of the final lineup on Produce X 101 is revealed, and before that happens TOMORROW (8pm in Korea, so roughly about 7am in NYC), I wanted to share my ideal lineup, as well as the predicted lineup that I feel will most likely be revealed tomorrow.

Before we start, I would like to give a little background on the Korean survival show. Produce X 101 is the fourth installment of the wildly popular Produce series. Season 1 put together girl group IOI, season 2 put together boy group Wanna One, and season 3 (which was called Produce 48) put together girl group IZ*ONE. With that being said, this season was now looking to put together a boy group! This season, like the last season, played around with the rules of the show a bit, which was interesting considering many of its viewers were beginning to predict how these final line-ups were going to look like under the old rules, which was just simply Produce 101. In Produce 48, the trainees were a mixture of both Korean trainees under Korean entertainment agencies, as well as Japanese idols under AKB48, a popular company in Japan. This season, although has some global trainees in the show, is known for the X, which is the unknown position. In other words, the top 10 boys at the finale will debut no matter what, but they are debuting 11 boys. In other words, 11th place at the finale would normally be the one to debut, but instead, the X boy is the person with the most votes in the entire season will be the one who debuts. You’ll understand later on.

With that being said, this is my ideal top 11 boys:

1. Wooseok (aka Wooshin in UP10TION) seems like a strong face to become the center of the group, not only because he has already debuted in a group, but he has this aura about him that makes him the perfect center for these boys. While being on the show, he has played the center for some of the performances throughout the season, so seeing his willingness to stand out and be a center has been proven.
2. Yohan has been a favorite of mine ever since he sang a song with wheelies on at his first evaluation in episode 1. He’s cute, he’s funny, and he’s improved so much throughout the season; it’s crazy to think that this was a boy that only trained for three months prior to the show. He’s proven himself time and time again that he’s flawless at everything, no matter what he does. He’s definitely debuting.
3. Hyeongjun has also been a favorite of mine since the beginning because he just had that idol appeal to him. Although he was showcased as a shy kid who didn’t want to dance for the judges during his evaluation, he’s definitely proved himself to be an all-concept type of guy. I’m glad that Korea sees something in him because I was truly afraid he was going to be eliminated early on. Plus, his iconic “OWW!” during the Finesse performance was behind cute.
4. Dongpyo, our PDX101 center for “X1-MA“, is the cutest thing and he has stood out since the first episode. His personality, aura, and looks remind me a lot of IZ*ONE’s Yena, and I hope Mnet portrayed him that way because he was no doubt going to debut. As of lately, his ranking has been going down, and as of now, he sits at 12th place, which is concerning because I feel like this group will feel empty if Dongpyo isn’t in the final lineup. I also believe he’s center material for the final lineup because he is that cutesy, yet sexy concept switcher. I mean, his Believer performance was… out of this world. I hope he debuts in the top 10!
5. Seungwoo (a member of VICTON) was someone that I believe flew under the radar until just recently when he got more screentime. As of the top 20, he is the oldest contestant on the show (he’s 25 in Western age, but 26 in Korean age) and he just oozes in both sex appeal and overall likability. He has one of the most amazing voices on the show, and if he debuts, I believe he would make an amazing leader for the group. His high-note in “U GOT IT” is just mesmerizing.
6. Jungmo was someone I thought wasn’t as popular as he really is, but he’s been in the top 10 for most of the season with the exception of is ranking currently, which is 15. He’s definitely someone that’s interesting; because he is widely popular, he will most likely be the X boy that debuts. His accumulated votes as of now rank him as one of the highest, so if every single boy that has more votes than him debuts in the top 10, he will be the X boy.  I would prefer him to be one of the top 10 boys instead of the 11th because second after him would be Dongpyo to debut if he doesn’t rank in the top 10, but needless to say, he’s debuting. Probably.
7. Dohyun as our maknae please! He is the fiercest 16-year-old ever and I believe he would be a great addition to the group because of his rap skills and versatility. He was also another person who was under the radar until he got put into the top 10 throughout the season. He definitely started to stand out for me when he rapped for the position evaluation in episode 6.
8. Yuvin (a member of MYTEEN) is a pretty damn good vocalist if you ask me. He has a lot of color in his voice, he’s able to control it well and be stable due to his experience, and he does have pretty good stage presence. In the following weeks, his ranking has fallen and I believe it’s because people are becoming less interested in him, but I still hope he makes the group and becomes a main or lead vocalist!
9. Wonjin is such a humble and hard-working trainee, and it saddens me that he hasn’t been ranking high like he was at the beginning! I hope he gets to debut with this group because he has color in his voice that a lot of the trainees don’t, and it would be nice to have someone in the group that sounds a little different. Plus, he’s hella funny! Also, I believe he has the potential to be the leader of this group as well because he is so hard-working!
10. Tony has been my absolute favorite since the beginning and I’m so shocked and happy that he has made it to the finale of the show. Although I don’t think he’ll be debuting (not a lot of people are rooting for him because of lack of screentime and being lost in the rankings), I feel like he would be a good fit for the group. Being the only foreign trainee left on the show, I feel like he would be a good representative for the group for the international fans, and even fans in Asia (since he is Chinese). I feel because they want this group to be global, it wouldn’t be right if there wasn’t a foreign trainee in the group! Tony is such a hardworking trainee, he speaks perfect English (like perfect fucking English) and he’s cute! I hope he debuts in the top 10!
11. Mingyu will debut. No doubt. He’s the Sakura of this season. He can do no wrong to voters, and even though he isn’t anything special, he will debut due to his popularity. I feel like he has a lot of room to improve and if he does debut he will, but I don’t see anything special about him. He’s just… there. But, he is a very hard worker and he’s always ready for a challenge!

Prediction Line-Up:

1. Yohan
2. Wooseok
3. Mingyu
4. Jinhyuk (became popular & currently high-ranking. Fire ass rapper!)
5. Seungwoo
6. Eunsang (another popular & high-ranking trainee. He’s okay in my opinion.)
7. Hyungjun
8. Dohyun
9. Seungyoun (a trainee I wouldn’t mind in the lineup!)
10. Junho (another popular trainee I don’t care for.)
11. Dongpyo

Let’s see what happens tomorrow!

July 20th, 2019:

Hello! Saturday Liz here, also known as “the Liz with tears in her eyes as she’s writing this”. I just finished watching the finale of Produce X 101 and my god was it a roller coaster. There were twists and turns, and tons of tears cried from everyone watching, but for the most part, I am happy with the lineup of this new boy group, X1!

Lots of familiar faces, huh? I’m a happy camper, even if some of these members were not in my ideal top 11, I actually do like most of these boys in this lineup. The official rankings and positions are as follows:

1. Yohan (OUI) – Center, Sub-Vocalist, Lead Rapper
2. Wooseok (TOP Media) – Lead Vocalist
3. Seungwoo (Plan A) – Main Vocalist
4. Heongjun (Starship) – Lead Rapper, Lead Dancer
5. Seungyoun (Yuehua) – Lead Vocalist, Lead Rapper
6. Dongpyo (DSP Media) – Lead Dancer, Sub-Vocalist
7. Hangyul (MBK) – Main Dancer, Lead Vocalist
8. Dohyun (MBK) – Main Rapper, Maknae (Youngest in Group)
9. Junho (Woollim) – Lead Vocalist
10. Minhee (Starship) – Lead Vocalist
11. (X) Eunsang (Brand New Music) – Sub-Vocalist

It’s sorta crazy how I predicted 9 out of 11 members of the final line-up, yet I was still shocked to read the final rankings yesterday morning when they were first announced. (Funny story: I was at a job interview looking at them) Anyway, I really do like the line-up of this group more than I did when Produce 48 announced the members for IZ*ONE. I feel like for a group that will be promoting for 5 years (the longest in the Produce series), I’m very excited to be a fan of these boys. I’m so glad that Dongpyo made it into the final line-up the most; he was always one of my top picks and I think he’s going to do a great job in this group. I’m also quite content with Yohan as X1’s center; he truly is the face of the group and even this season of the Produce series. Plus, he deserves it so much.

Of course, I am devastated for Yuvin and Wonjin the most out of the top 20; they were both visibly upset after the announcements and it’s a shame that their talents will not be showcased in X1. Of course, Yuvin will be back in MYTEEN with other Produce X 101 trainee, Kookheon, and I hope their group will now gain more fans and fame now that they were on the series. The same goes for Jinhyuk; although I bawled my eyes out when he was sad he couldn’t debut with fellow UP10TION member, Wooseok, I just know that UP10TION will now get the hype and love from fans of the show. As for the Starship boys left who didn’t debut, I hope that they could possibly debut in a cutesy boy concept within their company; they were all so incredibly talented and well-loved! 4 out of the 5 made it into the top 20 after all! As for my first-ever pick, Tony, I hope he has gotten the recognition he got being on the show and possibly start doing some solo work within his agency and become the global star he’s bound to be!

I know a lot of the fans of the show came up with a concept that the first season of Produce girls who ranked 12th to 19th place (I believe) did after the show; it was to become a group within the eliminated trainees. This fan project for the Produce X 101 boys is called BY9 (Be Your Nine) and I’m honestly all here for it and hope someone takes the opportunity to debut them as a group.

I was very surprised to see that Starship’s Minhee was announced as a member of X1. He was never in the top 10 during the season, and he was always just overshadowed by everyone throughout the season. I believe him becoming the main vocalist for the concept evaluation saved him in all honesty. I wasn’t that surprised to hear that Woollim’s Junho and MBK’s Hangyul made it into the final line-up; they both had a lot of fans and support throughout the season. This was also Hangyul’s first time being in the top 10 in the season, and I’m happy that he’s in the group! As for Junho, well, maybe I’ll get to know him better when he debuts in X1.

As for the X member, I was shocked to hear that it was not Jellyfish Entertainment’s Minkyu that was the trainee with the most accumulated votes. He was always in the top 10 throughout the season (although I don’t understand why) and was wildly popular for his visuals. He was hard-working, yes, but I’m not that upset that he didn’t debut. If anything, he should leave his company to try to debut with someone else. It’s no doubt he will. I’m quite happy it was Eunsang that debuted as the X member; he was also a good vocalist on the show.

It’s just very interesting to see how straight-forward the results were this season. Last season, a lot of people were upset at the lineup for IZ*ONE just because a lot of them were just visuals and not that talented. I had my favorites and was upset when they didn’t debut, but to see how successful IZ*ONE is now and to see the improvements of those questionable members, I can’t see them being anything else than what they are now.

And that’s it for Produce X 101! I’m excited to see what next year has to offer in the Produce series, as well as being introduced to all of the female trainees waiting to debut!

As for now: X1 hwaiting! ❤

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Many of you know that I’m a huge KPop fan, and most of the music I listen to nowadays is just straight up KPop music. I’m not the only westernized person to enjoy the music; KPop has now made its way into mainstream media and millions of people listen to it as well. Because of this, it has changed the KPop industry tremendously; companies are working twice as hard to put out new groups and music in hopes of becoming as big as “the big 3”, and KPop idols are now looked at through a microscope even more than they were before.

Like any industry, there are issues that occur and questionable things that happen behind the scenes. There have been reports of some idols becoming sick and overworked to the point of fainting on stage, idols (especially women) are losing so much weight to fit Korea’s obscure beauty standards, and these idols are really giving up their freedom to pursue their dreams of becoming KPop idols.

In recent weeks, TWICE member Mina has been taken out of appearances with the group due to health reasons, and while most fans thought it was just a temporary illness and she would return for their tour, JYP Entertainment realized a statement that due to Mina’s “sudden extreme anxiety and insecurity while performing on stage”, she will not be attending the remainder of the world tour, which is definitely sad for a lot of the international fans that are attending the tour dates scheduled for later this month. At their most recent tour stop in Singapore, the members were visibly saddened about Mina’s absence.

Because we don’t have any more detail on what’s to come with Mina, fans of the group are a little on edge. What’s going to happen? When is Mina coming back? What happened to even cause such a reaction anyway? It worries a lot of fans because members leaving temporarily due to health reasons is one thing, but there are a lot of incidents where members permanently leave the group due to these health reasons, and they fear that with time, this will be the same fate for Mina. While I personally don’t believe a departure from any TWICE member is coming anytime soon, I do believe that it was right for the company to pull her out of activities for her mental health, and although a place like South Korea may not hold mental health to the same value we do here in America, it’s important to talk about it and to bring awareness that these idols are not robots, and even through their smiles, they can still be hurting.

To the people commenting on this situation with “sudden extreme anxiety doesn’t just happen”, it actually does. Sure, it may not happen overnight, but anxiety happens to all of us on different levels. We may be fine one week, but then we’re anxious about something the following week, and sometimes, that anxiety just doesn’t go away. We don’t know how long Mina has been fighting this anxiety; just because she appeared to be fine on previous activities following up to this, it doesn’t mean that she didn’t get off that stage and didn’t have an anxiety attack.

Mina, being known to be one of the quietest ones of the group, could’ve been fighting anxiety all their life, as well as any other member of TWICE and any other idol in the KPop industry. Training in a company for years with no real answer whether you’ll debut or not is anxiety-inducing within itself. These trainees question whether or not they are good enough to debut, they’ve been torn down for most of their career and wonder if they are capable of fitting the shoes of their seniors in the company. If these trainees do get the opportunity to debut, who’s to say they aren’t anxious to see how long they will last as a group and how many comebacks they’ll actually get the chance to have? Many of these idols and trainees probably deal with anxiety but are too afraid to show it because of mental health being looked upon as a taboo. 

Be sincere to your favorite idols in the KPop industry. Don’t try to automatically blame a company for lying or covering up something even more severe, because anxiety IS severe and it could happen to anyone, even to someone as successful and well-loved as Mina. If you are attending any of the US tour dates later this month, let TWICE know that you support them no matter what and you care for them and you have Mina in thought on that day! Be the support that sadly many of these idols don’t have in their personal lives. Be gentle and be kind to anyone that you admire; they are also human too.

Get well soon, Mina. I hope you fight through this & come back stronger than ever. Mina 화이팅! ❤

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Now, I’ve tried to write this post a couple of times during the month of June, but quite frankly I wasn’t in the mood to talk about this, but I also feel like a letter like this could help a lot of people out with their own individual traumas in life, because I know I didn’t have anything (nor really anyone telling me) that helped me at least start my healing process from my traumas.

Now, there are a lot of things in my life that was quite traumatic for me to experience, but this letter will focus on the trauma that I’ve normally talk about: my eighteen. If you’ve been an active Letters Reader (even when it used to be TNTH), you know that I’ve been open and honest about the things I’ve experienced and the raw, personal feelings and emotions I felt during that time, and even after. Although there will be times when I feel like talking about it makes me uncomfortable and uneasy, I remind myself of a quote an author said at her reading at my college during my sophomore year of college:

In order to help people survive, you must tell the story of your own survival.

To this day, I really do live my life with this quote in mind, even after all these years.

The truth of the matter is is that people heal differently. Some people are very private about their traumas, others neglect ever thinking about them, some move on from them in their own ways, and me? I write about them.

I am a writer after all, and that’s my truth on how I’m healing from my trauma.

The very first time I wrote about my trauma was during a creative writing workshop class in college. Our first assignment was to write a creative non-fiction piece, which in other words like a memoir piece. I don’t know what prompted me to write about one of the worst days of my life, but I did.

I wrote about the day I ran to my guidance counselor’s office as I was having a mental breakdown during school.

Not only was it nerve-wracking have to relive that day as I wrote down the story, but it was even worse when it was my turn to share my piece with a group of writers during our workshop. It was the first time I told a story about my trauma to a group of strangers, who didn’t know me as a person outside of these classroom walls.

I don’t know how my story got across to these people, but the workshop then turned into this supportive group that kept telling me, “it is all not your fault.” And I truly think that was the beginning of this healing process over my eighteen trauma; I had to take responsibility for the shitty things I’ve done, but I shouldn’t put all the blame on myself.

I’ve had other creative opportunities to write about this time in my life and share with our writers who also possibly shared their own life secrets in their writing. I’ve written theater scenes about my trauma, perspectives between me and the parties involved during this time in my life; it was the singlehandedly the only thing that would pop up in my head when I got the assignment to write about something that affects you to this day.

And I’m still writing about it.

I don’t write about this time in my life to get attention, or because I feel salty about it. I could honestly care less about the past because it’s just simply not a representation of the person I am currently. I write about it for myself before anything else, to heal my soul and come to peace with what I went through, and then I write it for the people who feel like their trauma clouds their happiness. I hope that whoever may be reading this, feels confident enough to overcome their traumas and see that things do get better, and life does go on.

Of course, growing up and letting time pass has helped the process a bit. Therapy also really helps with my healing process; our session two weeks ago was solely about this time in my life and I’ve come a long way from where I was even a couple of months ago with this trauma.

And that’s my point: I’ve been working it out without that “closure” everyone thinks will heal them permanently from their trauma. Some of us are lucky to get that closure and officially close that book for good, but also there are some of us that never, and will never get that closure.

I never got that conventional closure. I never got to tell the people who hurt me most that what they put me through damaged me for years. I never got the chance to express that although time has passed and I’m getting better, the trauma still exists, and for years it has hindered some of my abilities in life, that it took a long ass time to love the person I am and to forgive the person I was, and even then, I’m still healing from the past and I’m learning how to honor the girl I was because Lord knows if I gave up and lost faith in myself back then, I’d probably be dead by now. 25 wouldn’t have been here to finally see how it feels like to love herself.

I got my own closure when I started to write about it and not be so afraid to talk about it anymore. 

Writing may not be for everyone, so I hope that if you are going through any sort of trauma and want to begin your healing process that you find a healthy and helpful way to kickstart your journey. Mine took years to start, and it’s taking years to end – but as long as you’re coming to term with what happened and that your trauma will never win and define you, things will get better. You WILL get better, and you will come out stronger than you were before.

I’m still here because I write.

 

 

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, my self-judgment has been speaking to me as of late. As a matter of fact, she’s been screaming at me for the last couple of weeks as I started to partake in a new hobby: learning a new skill. Although I try to not listen to her, I can’t help but see some truth in the things she says. I mean, a self-judgment side usually tries to twist some truth in your beliefs or make you change something that you’re doing, right?

She has accused me of engaging in “cultural appropriation.”

Lemme explain.

For the last couple of weeks, I started to teach myself how to read and write in Korean. I decided that after being frustrated in waiting for English subtitles to be written and released for my favorite girl group variety shows and competition shows, I wanted to see if I could at least understand the characters, Hangul, that is used in Korean. So, I downloaded Duolingo (#notsponsored) and started to learn the Korean Alphabet. As of this moment of me writing this, I’ve learned the consonants, vowels, and native Korean numbers pretty well and currently learning some essential words and sentence structure, which is quite hard to learn on your own, in my opinion. 

As happy as I am learning a new skill and keeping my mind productive and busy, I do sometimes feel as if I’m engaging in cultural appropriation. Am I learning this new language for the right reasons? Am I now this “koreaboo”? Why am I so embarrassed to share the fact to my family and friends that I’m learning Korean?” It’s this weird, complex situation where I’m interested in learning the language due to my interests, but ultimately sticking by it to build a new skill and gain a new hobby to keep my mind productive and out of the places where my anxiety could heighten. But, I do understand what the self-judgment is coming from.

You see, in this Quora forum, the question exists, and many of the people in the forum talk about how ridiculous it is for people to possibly think that learning a new language (which in NYC is mandatory to take a language class in both high school and college), is now considered to be a form of cultural appropriation. The top answer to on this forum comes from a linguist actually, and he does an amazing job explaining how in certain cases, it could be seen as cultural appropriation.

He explains that in certain scenarios, learning a language can be seen as cultural appropriation. For example, a classroom full of anime lovers learning Japanese could be seen as cultural appropriation because the only thing they really know about the Japanese culture is its anime. Another example is learning an endangered language (one that is becoming extinct, like Hawaiian) just to “save” the language from dying out. Another interesting example (which I didn’t even consider) is learning a language for job-related purposes, like a translator or interpreter, ultimately taking the place meant for a native Korean speaker. He explains in cases where you are learning more universal languages (i.e. English) and other big languages (typically the ones you learn in high school/college courses) it isn’t considered cultural appropriation.

So, where do I personally stand?

To be quite honest with you, I think I’ll always believe I’m in the unfamiliar gray area of the scenario. While my interest in Kpop and Korean shows influenced me into specifically learning Korean, I’m also in no ways trying to appear more Korean or pass as being Korean, nor am I practicing their ideas, beliefs, or think their culture is superior to every other culture. As for the definition of cultural appropriation, it’s “the unacknowledged or inappropriate adoption of the customs, practices, ideas, etc. of one people or society by members of another and typically more dominant people or society.”

I just simply want to learn the language and find the process to be really good for my mental health. That is all.

So, is learning a new language considered cultural appropriation? It’s crazy to think that in certain scenarios, it could be. To believe that wanting to learn a new language for the sake of learning a new language is now a part of the spectrum of cultural appropriation really does baffle me. Are we all really engaging in it in our language classes all these years?

What do you guys think?

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.

It’s crazy to believe that we are already in month six of 2019, and about to start the summer season in a couple of weeks. It just comes to show just how fast time goes, and the same is true reflecting back on this time last year.

On June 6th, 2018, I was officially diagnosed with social anxiety disorder.

Social anxiety is probably one of the biggest disorders people have nowadays for many different reasons. While social anxiety can be “cured”, there are some cases where it can’t be; it’s chronic. My social anxiety is chronic.

I wasn’t surprised when I first got the diagnosis; a part of me always knew that I had some form of social anxiety, and as the years went on, it just got worse. To finally get the diagnosis didn’t really change how I felt, it just made a lot of things more clear – especially the things I was confused about.

It doesn’t mean that life got easier.

To be quite honest, the diagnosis made things a lot worse for me because it was hard for me to adjust to the fact that this wasn’t just “anxiety everyone deals with”, I experience anxiety on a clinical level, and adjusting to that while trying to explain to my loved ones what was happening was a difficult transition.

After many confusing nights and days where I felt misunderstood, I started to regret even getting the diagnosis. You got the diagnosis and just ran with it, Liz.

In simpler words, I didn’t know how to live with this new information and accept it for what it was. It took me getting on medication and some intense therapy sessions to finally realize and ultimately tell myself that I am not my anxiety, I just have it, and it’s going to take a long time to adjust being more aware of my own unique patterns and behaviors regarding my anxiety.

A year later, and I’m definitely doing a lot better, and I really have to thank the process of going to therapy and taking my medication. I say this, in all honesty: yeah, I’m going to have my episodes where I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed and escape the stressors of the world, but those days don’t last as long as they used to.

Quick story about the epiphany I had about my progress: Last week in therapy, I explained to my therapist that the day before my partner’s birthday, he had a couple of family and friends come over to ring in his birthday with him at midnight and although being in a social setting like that with a handful of people would normally be overwhelming for me, that night my anxiety didn’t even cross my mind. Talking about it made it more real for me, and before even speaking about it it didn’t register as progress, but I left her office feeling so proud of myself for being able to socially interact with other people without feeling any sort of anxiety. It’s definitely moments like that where I feel like I made the right decision to seek therapy a year ago.

Of course, I am far from the end. My mental health journey does not end once I conquer just one aspect of my anxiety. I’m still a working progress, and I hope that with the months to come in 2019 that I am able to conquer those other aspects, and truly see the growth from now, until then.

Of course, my experience with therapy isn’t the ideal experience for therapy; it’s uniquely my own. Not everyone is going to have a positive outlook on therapy and maybe therapy isn’t in the plan of their own healing. I still do believe, though, that everyone who is going through a hardship in their life that they can’t get through on their own should at least try therapy to see how it feels for them. Some will be successful, and others may not. It’s about how the process works for every single individual.

Personally speaking, it’s been some of the hardest work I’ve done, yet some of the greatest work I’ve done in my life.

I really do have to thank my sibling, Megan, for continuously telling me I should seek out therapy for the issues I was having late 2017 into 2018 due to grad school. Of course, I wish I took their advice earlier when I was actually in grad school, but things happen for a reason, and I believe I had to go through what I went through in grad school to get where I’m at now.

I also want to thank my therapist, Cathy, or getting to know me as a person and telling me without a doubt the truth to the situations and behaviors I was experiencing. She taught me a lot on how to fight my inner demons and I’ve told her some of my darkest trauma secrets, yet she is still there to help me get through them along the way. Although she is now on maternity leave for the season, I really cannot wait to show (and tell her) the progress I’ve made since she’s been away.

I also wanted to thank my temporary therapist, for the time being, Andrea, for taking the time to get to know me and try to pick up where I last left off. Although it took some time to get comfortable with her and allow her into my “world”, as I say, she’s has been a major help and always keeps the atmosphere lively and energetic. I’m definitely in the right hands until I return back to my regular therapist.

And the support I’ve gotten from my family and my partner: it means the world to me that I have people in my life willing to understand my SAD, depression, and not judge me for it. I appreciate the efforts that you guys go through to understanding and support.

So, with that being said, here’s to going on year two of bettering myself and my mental health.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

First and foremost, I wanted to wish my partner an amazing birthday; we met when he was 17 and to think he’s now 27 seriously baffles me. I’m forever grateful that despite everything that we go through, he’s been by my side & again, to think I’ve known him for a decade baffles me, but I’m glad I have because he’s amazing and the person he’s grown/growing into is a beautiful one.

I also wanted to congratulate my co-writer for our ongoing project, Rosanne, for getting married this past weekend! I hope she enjoys her time in Japan for her honeymoon! Totes jealous, but I can’t wait to hear about the beautiful sights she got to see on her trip!

Lastly, I wanted to congratulate the Class of 2019; specifically, the English MA students who I got the pleasure of working with and studying with during my time as a grad student. I know how surreal it feels to be finally done with your graduate studies, and I couldn’t be more proud of you guys!

Needless to say, May is a very exciting month. Yes, even last year was just as eventful!

So, without further ado, let’s dive into some of the highlights of the month and some things I’ve been obsessed with!

Highlights:

Earlier this month was the 2nd Annual BCS Showcase and the second year that The Eliminators Dance Crew performed. This group, coached by my partner, honestly gets better as the years go. The steps get more tedious, the music mix they dance to gets more articulate, and the experience just gets better. I know how hard he works to get these girls together and dance, and the work definitely shows at every performance. As for the other performers, I give them extreme props for getting up on stage to perform their talent, whether that was dancing, singing, and even rapping! The arts are needed in these public schools, and these shows are one way to keep it alive. That’s the mission.

I’m learning Korean! For the longest time, I wanted to learn a new language. For a while, I was learning Italian when I was an undergrad in college. Once it got too hard, I sort of stopped, and it’s been a while since I studied another language. Because of my genuine interest in Kpop and the shows that surround it (which is mentioned later in this list), I wanted to at least learn how to read and write in Korean. As of now, I’m a serious beginner; I am currently learning the 18 consonants and 21 vowels (yeah, you heard right) in the Korean Alphabet. But, thanks to watching Korean variety shows and Kpop interviews, I know how to say “hi” in Korean! 안녕하십니까!

I’m working on my next big project, which is publishing my Master’s Thesis in an academic journal! Back in December of last year, I brought up the possibility of co-writing a journal article with my former thesis advisor. She was interested in working with me on this new project, and here we are, putting that into action! Currently, we are both doing some heavy research and readings on some scholars to potentially use to revamp it and update the content, and is it weird to say that I’m actually excited to do so again?! May 2018 Liz would slap me, seriously. But, this is honestly the type of work I’m truly so excited to read and work on the content that I fell in love with in the first place.

Favorites:

Dress Liz is in full effect. In NYC, we had a couple of warm, summer-like days and it gave me the opportunity to try out these dresses I bought for the warmer weather. I feel really pretty in them, and I’m honestly kicking myself asking why I didn’t do this sooner? I think I just stopped caring what other people may say about my image, so here I am, rocking a pixie cut and wearing a nice, summery dress!

Alright, here comes the Kpop stuff:

프로듀스 X 101! So, Produce 48 was the third season of the “Produce” franchise, and it’s the program that put together girl group, IZ*ONE. I was so hooked on that season, that I gave this new season, which is now looking for the next boy group, a try. Two episodes in and I’m already hooked. There are so many more elements that contribute to this season to spice up the show a bit, and I genuinely like the boys enough to actually stan the winners when they doubt later this year. So, as they say together:

Onto some Kpop music obviously…

TWICE’s 7th Mini Album, FANCY YOU, was *e v e r y t h i n g.* April left us Kpop fans which a lot of music to enjoy this month. Pretty much all my favorite girl groups made a comeback, and yes, one of them happened to be TWICE. Music wise, I think this album is the best out of all of their discography because each song is an honest hit. Any of the songs could’ve been their title track. Although “FANCY” is a great title track to show off their more mature side, my favorite track is “HOT“, which was completely written by Twice’s own Momo! 모모 화이팅! The album regarding its physical copies, I think it could’ve been a lot better. I just feel like it wasn’t that thought out and put together very last minute, which is a shame because I would honestly love to buy this album because the entire album has amazing songs, so it does leave me conflicted! Needless to say, I suggest everyone stream this album because it’s just so good!

 

And that’s that! What were some of your personal favs this May?

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Being the last Saturday of May, I wanted to use this time to speak about the importance of this particular subject; it being because May is Mental Health Awareness Month.

Let’s ask this simple question: have you done a mental health check-in this month?

I ask because it’s something that I believe a lot of us glance over, and we seem to only “check-in” when things are already bad. I know in the past, I didn’t check in until things got really bad, and I honestly believe that a lot of my “dark places” could’ve been avoided if I checked in with myself a lot more frequently.

Mental health check-ins are important because they make you more self-aware of the behaviors you’re distributing and how you are handling the situations currently going on in your life. To even take a couple of minutes out of your day to reflect on the things that you felt or went through that particular day can be so helpful to keep yourself balanced and keep your mental health in a healthier place.

Some of the things we should ask ourselves when we do some mental health check-ins could be:

• Did I do anything to relax my mind today? I know for those who are in school and those who work full-time jobs, it’s very easy to not give your mind a break, and in more serious cases, many of us could become burnt out, which could cause your mental health to become worse. During my grad school days, my mental health quickly worsened because I was allowing myself not to have those breaks in between assignments and final papers. Moving forward in life, whether that be doing job hunting our research for my next project, I am more aware of the signs that my mind and body are telling me that I need a break from what I’m working on. Also, I now know that it’s okay to take those breaks: work smarter, not harder. 
• Why did that one thing ruin my day? Sometimes, I allow bad moments to ruin my day, and I’ve realized I never asked myself why did that one thing ruin my day? Was it a mood-related thing? Was it something that I let get to me? Was it something I could’ve handled when it happened? Reflecting back on the event that could’ve turned my day sour allows you to become more aware of your behaviors and reactions to that specific event. For example: A couple of weeks ago, I started one of my days on a good note, but as soon as I went to my therapy session and something that was discussed made me feel judged, I’ve allowed it to ruin my entire day. Coming out of that funk took longer than I would’ve liked, but I know that in the long run, I know to not allow my anxieties about people judging me to ruin my day. Of course, there are going to be other times where I may feel that way and tense up because of it, but I know to check-in and tell myself that it’s not to be taken personally and that I shouldn’t allow it to ruin my day.
• How am I *really* feeling in this exact moment? Again, it’s so easy to allow the days just take you without being honest with yourself about how you may really be feeling. It’s easy to say “I’m fine, tomorrow’s another day” or “It’s just a bad day, tomorrow’s another day”. From experience, minimizing your feelings is never a good thing, and in some cases, you’ll minimize your feelings to point where the clear signs your mind and body are giving you to take care of yourself are going unnoticed. Sometimes, you have to be your own “is everything okay?”. Check-in and be honest with yourself; if you felt sadder than usual, take note of that. Say out loud that you aren’t okay because the more you speak these feelings out into the world (even if you are by yourself), the easier it gets to ask for help and admit that you aren’t doing okay.

Of course, there are so many other questions that you should be asking yourself, and they come from your own experiences and ways you are able to care for yourself. Maybe asking yourself if you read a chapter of your book (for fun) as your “self-care time”, or if you did something that was on your list of things you wanted to do in the last week or so. Still, it’s important that every once in a while you give yourself a mental health check-in, and yes, even do them on your friends and family!

Make sure to check in every once in a while!

Dear guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Where did this month go? It feels like I was just singing “It’s gonna be May!” and now we are 10 days away from June! With that being said, I know many of you college seniors and grad-school seniors are happy for your day of graduation to finally arrive! Personally, I know my old classmates from my own grad school years are finally ready to get the hell out of school and not have to read another book or write another paper for the rest of their life! (Of course, if you’re not going into academics…)

It’s still surreal that it has almost been a year since I graduated with my Master’s degree and THREE (yes, you saw that right) years since I graduated college with my bachelor’s degree. Little ole me did not know that before 2020, I’d be a woman with two degrees. Maybe in the distant future, I’ll go for my Ph.D., but as of right now I’m just trying to discover what it means to be “Liz: the human being” versus “Liz: the student writer”.

Being the first in my immediate family to graduate both college and grad school, I didn’t really have the guidance through my studies, and a lot of the times I was forced to learn things on my own. Some of those times, I’d be a little too late, but coming out of it now, I wouldn’t change my experience for the world…

Except for a couple of things…

For example:

1. I wish I had some guidance when it came to my grad-school application progress. Back in high-school, we had a great guidance counselor that guided us through the process of applying to colleges, even to the point where he would sit with us on his office computer applying to colleges with us. It was definitely a lot smoother to transition to college than it was for grad-school, and I hope that more CUNY schools start helping out those who wish to seek higher education. Because of the lack of guidance, I didn’t have much time, nor options, when it came to grad school.
2. I wish that there was a class (especially within my college) that focused in on resume building and writing. I know that my former thesis advisor (who came to the college when I was in my junior/senior year of college) started to teach a class dedicated to business writing for undergrads, but I just wish that there was a way where soon-to-be college grads were able to feel more secure with their futures. Maybe, just maybe, then a lot of people who weren’t ready for grad school would’ve waited to get their Master’s instead of forcing to get one just so that they had more time to think what they wanted to do with their lives.
3. Particularly in grad school, I wish I knew that it was okay to take a break when you started to feel burned out. Every semester for two years, I wrote 25-40 pages of papers as my two finals for the two classes I would take, and I thought that I absolutely had to write and write and write until I had my desired amount of pages done. I wish I knew that whatever amount of work I put in that day was enough and that I was able to pick up again the next day, because – let’s be honest here – working on a final paper for 12 hours straight is exhausting, and very unhealthy.
4. I wish I knew what I was getting myself into when it came to grad school. Again, I felt like I wasn’t mentally prepared for the amount of work that grad school provided (I mean, I had a group presentation assigned to me the first day of grad school and it had to be done by the following class). Because I felt like I was just thrown into the chaos that was grad school, my mental health was definitely affected by it, and a lot of my anxiety developed throughout the two years in grad school. Maybe this was just a “me” thing, but when talking to my fellow students when I was one and then the students as a TA, many of them expressed the same transition from college to grad school being rushed and feeling unprepared.
5. Lastly, I wish that I knew that grad school, or any type of degree honestly, doesn’t guarantee you a career, nor a job. Being a slightly above average student in both college and grad school, I focused on my studies rather than getting a part-time job and juggle school at the same time. Did it affect the way employers now see me and my resume? Possibly, but I always had this thought that a Master’s degree was going to secure me a position that I was working towards, yet here we are – a year into the whole job hunting process. 

At the end of the day, I am still very grateful for the time I spent in college and grad school and to have met the people who I consider my friends/professional friends now! My experience is unique to me, and I’ll always be proud of the hard work and dedication I put in for 6 straight years without a break.

So, to the Class of 2019, both college and grad-school grads – I applaud you for making it this far. Celebrate your victory, celebrate your future, and celebrate you. I wish I did when I was in your shoes.