Category: Misc.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Can you guys believe that in two days, it’ll be Halloween? This month flew by and I’m not ready to dive into November and see all the damn Christmas decorations go up.

It was definitely an overall hard but good month for me. For personal reasons, my emotions were all over the place and it took some reflection time for me to settle in everything I was feeling and going through this month. For the most part, though, October was truly a good month for me, and sometimes my pessimistic self doesn’t believe that I’m capable of having a generally good couple of weeks. 

So, without further ado – let’s talk about some highlights of the month:

Highlights:

1.) Ya girl got her hair done!

I finally got myself some bleach in this hair and I’m gradually starting the process of going from black/dark brown to a medium brown/something lighter than my roots in all honesty. My sibling is currently a student at a beauty school and is currently working on the salon floor as practice and to build up clientele for the future. They asked if I was willing to come to the school and get some highlights in my hair since I was dying to lighten my hair in the first place. I’m a sucker for doing all sorts of shit to my hair, so I went and got my hair bleached and toned into highlights. I’ve been my sibling’s test dummy for years regarding haircuts and hair color, and this was honestly one of the best times they ever did highlights on my hair. It was crazy natural, and it blends in with the rest of my hair!

2.) High-School Reunion with Nina (SparklyWarTanks)

This is a high-school photo of us, by the way. Although this event happened towards the end of September, I wanted to include it here because of the things that happened and discussed that day are some of the reasons why this month was so completely different for me. So, Nina was my best friend in high school. We were in the same vocal class as freshmen and we got closer as freshman year progressed. We became extremely close our sophomore year; we basically had every class together and we spent many of our days off singing at events under our school choir. If anyone has seen me grow from the little, innocent, naive prude into the rebellious all-over-the-place teenager, it was her. We were the same in a lot of areas of our lives, but we were two completely different people as well, which ultimately led to us drifting apart as high-school went on. College came and we went our separate ways, and we lost touch for those years we were busy with our college selves.

What brought us back together was the mutual passion of writing. She began her own blog as part of a senior school project, and I followed it since. In a way, her blog encouraged me to start my own, and the rest is history. As we began to support each other’s passions through social media and through her events, she brought up the possibility of us hanging out one weekend and so we did. I can’t lie and say I wasn’t nervous; letting her back into my life meant that I was letting a part of my high-school self back as well, even if she wasn’t the toxic part in my high-school life. That conversation we had for hours taught me a valuable lesson: I can hurt people too and I can be the cause of someone’s bad mental health. I could be just as toxic for people as some people are for me, and it truly reminded me how much we’ve grown since we were teenagers. Of course, we did, we’re 25 now, but to have honest conversations with someone you hurt and just discuss unspoken emotions we both felt made me appreciate life a little more that day.

So, if you’re reading this Nina, thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.

3.) I started a music podcast!

Sometimes, doing things out of pure curiosity and fun of it could be a good thing! Earlier this month, my good friend, Tori, was thinking about starting a podcast on her Patreon and I was all in for the idea. I’m not the most active podcast listener, but I know that people listen to them while they are working out, cooking, studying, trying to sleep; whatever type of multitasking thing there is to do. I mainly wanted to try it out because I’ve been doing nothing but listening to music to get me through the hardships that the month brought me. I wanted a platform where I could share my love for music, showcase the music, and even share my knowledge about the genre without typing it all out. So, I decided to test-run an episode with some of my favorite hits at the moment and found myself having so much fun with it. Music, especially now, is one of the major reasons how and why I’m happy at this moment (especially K-Pop) and I wanted to share it with other music-loving people in hopes that they adventure out into some genres and songs they never even heard of. In the time I’m writing this, two more episodes have been recorded and are pending for publication within the next couple of weeks, so be on the lookout for that!

Favorites:

1.) My First Physical Copy of a K-Pop Album:

 

If I was ever going to pop my K-Pop album cherry, it would be X1’s 1st Mini Album, Quantum Leap. If you guys have been living under a rock or purposely been ignoring me because I’m always talking about them, you would know that I’ve been obsessed with X1 ever since they were officially put together during the summer under Produce X 101. If you want to know more about my thoughts about their debut when it first happened back in August, you already know there’s a blog post about it. Not only was their debut such a strong one, but the whole album was also really good, so it was only right for me to get it when I had the extra money to purchase it. I ordered it directly from South Korea so the shipping was crazy expensive, but it was so totally worth having this album in my hands. It’s funny, I showed my mother the album and the photobook that comes with it and was like “…this is what you’re obsessed with?” And I proudly said yes. I told myself that while X1 is promoting, I’ll be buying all their physical albums because I’m such a huge fan of them. So yeah. Thanks, X1, for popping my K-Pop physical album cherry. Ew, that sounds gross.

2.) Anything Seungyoun related.

Cho Seungyoun (Hangul: 조승연) is a member of X1 obviously. Born in 1996, he is the second oldest behind Seungwoo, the leader of the group and occasional bias wrecker for sure. It’s truly crazy to see how quickly things can change; on my ideal final-lineup for the group during PDX101, he wasn’t even on my top 11 and yet I’m obsessed with him. It’s not like I’m obsessed with him through his looks (yeah, he’s good-looking af), but I’m obsessed with the many talents he has and the “all-rounder” title he holds within the group. He knows four languages, he sings, dances, raps, beatboxes, produces, writes, composes, like do I need to say more? He’s a fucking monster.

Within X1, he is one of the four members in the group that had already debuted through their own respected companies and boy groups before joining the show for a second chance at success. Seungyoun started out as one of the members of the Chinese-Korean group, UNIQ. As one of the rappers and one of two members that are Korean, he was in charge of pretty much rewriting the lyrics to their songs in Korean so that their Korean audiences would know the songs in their languages. Mind you, homeboy was only 18 doing all of this. Their second single, “EOEO” is such a good fucking song; it’s sexy, it’s rap-heavy which I’m finding myself loving K-Rap a little bit more these days, and it’s catchy!

He’s also branched out of the group and began his own solo career, first under the stage name “Luizy” and later under the name “WOODZ”. As “Luizy”, his song entitled “Baby Ride (feat. Hyungsik of BTOB” is such a feel-good song. If you’re already missing the summer (I’m not), this will definitely bring that summer-vibe back into your life! It’s definitely a good song to listen to on a sunny breezy day on your way to school or work and it just feels like a good time. As “WOODZ” the musical genre is a lot more mellow, R&B and less rap-focused, and as mentioned in the first Music From Liz podcast, “DIFFERENT” hits you in the feels. It’s also a very big mood-setting song; on a cloudy day with a slight drizzle of rain hitting the bus window; ugh the feels. The song is typically about a breakup of a couple because they were incompatible with one another. The music video is definitely aesthetically pleasing, artistic, and beautiful.

 

 

Honestly, that’s all for now! See you guys in November!

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

A little disclaimer before we begin: I know I’m a couple of weeks late and my opinion on this boy group probably doesn’t count at this point, but I really wanted to share my thoughts regarding one of the most highly anticipated debuts in the Kpop industry this year.

So, for all of my non-Kpop viewers, let me give you some background on how the Kpop industry works.

The music industry in South Korea is definitely different than how American music industries work. For starters, American artists are usually signed under a record label are guaranteed some sort of exposure or music being made; Kpop idols take years to build up. KPop artists before they debut are trainees within entertainment agencies, and just because they get accepted into an agency doesn’t mean they will get the chance to debut right away. Some trainees are just luckier than others, but some trainees don’t get the chance to debut until years after they became trainees. For example, TWICE’s Jihyo was a trainee under JYP Entertainment for 10 years before she got the chance to debut. Of course, then there are situations when you finally get your chance to debut, but the turnout of your debut isn’t as successful as your company expected it to be. It’s one of the reasons why a lot of already debuted idols (i.e Victon’s Seungwoo & Byungchan, UNIQ’s Seungyoun, IM’s Hangyul, UP10TION’s Wooseok & Jinhyuk, Fromis_9’s Gyuri and many others that I cannot think of right now) go on popular survival shows as trainees: it’s their second chance at success as idols.

Although there are dozens of Korean entertainment agencies and although many of them are well-known for creating successful Kpop groups and soloists, the top three entertainment agencies that are guaranteed success no matter what comes out of there are SM Entertainment, JYP Entertainment, and YG Entertainment. SM Entertainment homes groups like Girls’ Generation, Red Velvet, EXO, NCT (U, Dream, 127, and all the other sub-units), SHINee, and f(x). JYP Entertainment homes groups such as TWICE, ITZY, GOT7, Wonder Girls, Miss A, DAY6, 2AM & 2PM. Lastly, YG Entertainment holds groups like BlackPink, iKON, 2NE1, BigBang, WINNER, and even soloist PSY, famous for “Gangnam Style” (He actually now runs his own agency called P Nation).

Now that you have a good idea on some of the background behind some of Kpop’s biggest names, let’s get to the meat and potatoes, shall we?

SuperM. Man, do I have a lot to say about this new boy group. 

SuperM debuted earlier this month after being announced last summer as SM Entertainment’s new Kpop project group. The purpose of this new “supergroup” was to pretty much create the next big thing in western culture; with BTS’ huge success in the United States and opening the door for third-generation Kpop internationally, many other agencies are now trying to mimic that success with groups of their own. For example: TWICE went on a four-stop North American World Tour during the summer, Blackpink has been on various daytime & nighttime talk shows to promote their music and United States appearances (like Coachella), and many other boy groups from other companies are traveling to the United States in hopes of exposure.

SM Entertainment is known as one of Kpop’s biggest successes within the second generation of the genre, and although their groups are still successful within third generation Kpop, the competition is just becoming too real, and they are slowly becoming the third biggest company out of the big 3; like seriously, TWICE is breaking records left and right and are possibly the biggest and most successful girl group of all time, which used to be SM Entertainment’s very own Girls’ Generation about a decade ago.

So, with that being said, I’m not surprised that SM made a decision like this one.

Again, I’m not blaming any of the members of SuperM, and quite frankly they are doing this because they follow what their company wants them to do; I’m pretty much exposing the fact that SM Entertainment took the easiest route of success and “debuted” well-known Kpop idols in a group together in order to target the American audience.

SuperM is a seven-member boy group consisting of members within three other SM groups: SHINee’s Taemin, EXO’s Kai and Baekhyun, and NCT’s (127 & WayV) Taeyong, Mark, Ten, and Lucas. If you’re a Kpop fan, you’ve probably heard of these groups, and these members of their respected groups; these three boy groups are wildly popular and have a huge following in South Korea, and even internationally. 

So, of course, it would make sense that SM Entertainment would put together a group of all famous well-established idols and target the American audience for just a quick success-rate.

This is where I have a problem:

There are thousands of trainees in Korean entertainment agencies that are fresh, young, and talented. They work hard and they train hard in hopes of their agencies seeing their potential to debut in new projects, and it really does sadden me that SM Entertainment doesn’t have faith in their trainees to debut a new group all-together or promote their already successful boy groups internationally. It also pisses me off that SM Entertainment only gave this opportunity of expansion to male idols when really it’s a female Kpop group we need in the United States to blow up. Maybe the American music industry isn’t so accepting of girl groups due to their cutesy image & the US really only acknowledges “girl-crush” groups, but still – SM Entertainment could’ve easily debuted a badass vocal Kpop girl group that could shut the American music industry down. 

But nope: try to recreate the success of BTS with already famous idols because it’s an easier way to success.

I probably wouldn’t have been so salty if their debut single wasn’t so… awful. First of all, it’s barely considered Kpop anymore when the entire song is pretty much an English song with four or five Korean lyrics sprinkled in there. Again, I know it’s targeting international audiences, but it still is a Kpop group; native English speakers in America didn’t fuck with Kpop because it was cool; it was because of the music!

The debut single is called “Jopping“, which is the words “jumping” and “popping” put together. Don’t get me wrong, it’s catchy and I think it slaps, but for an anticipated supergroup like SuperM, a concept in Kpop that hasn’t been done before might I add, it was just underwhelming for a lot of people.

This is why I believe this group was put together for a guaranteed success that required no actual work on the company’s part.

What SM should’ve done was to either push their existing groups (it’s not like they are failing anyway) to transition them overseas, or create a Kpop group with trainees that fit this overall concept; get some Korean trainees who could be the face of the group when promoting in Korea, get some foreign trainees (Japanese, Thai, Chinese, Korean-American) that can represent the group in their respective countries, and definitely have some of these members cater to English speaking audiences by having some fluent English speaking members in the group.

What I’m saying is that talent is talent, and I can only imagine how much work it truly is being a trainee to potentially an idol in South Korea. It looks difficult, it looks exhausting, and I bet you that many of these trainees who are still young as fuck are sacrificing being away from their families in order to follow their dream of becoming a Kpop idol.

BTS didn’t have any special members to make them famous in the US.

So in conclusion, in my opinion, I probably wouldn’t care to follow this group and their activities because here’s my very unpopular Kpop opinion: I don’t really like nor know these guys or the groups they come from. Of course, I’m a nobody, and if you want to “stan” them, go right ahead – these idols deserve the love they get from their fans! I just hate that the company decided to make a move like this in order to obtain more success and money from international fans, especially in the United States. I mean, how does a Kpop group from South Korea under a South Korean entertainment agency doesn’t promote, perform, or tour in South Korea? If anything, it’s immensely important to become a big deal in Korea first: if you blow up in Korea, you then blow up in all of the East Asian countries (and China) surrounding Korea – it’s happened for every single Kpop group I’ve been following. 

But hey, what do I know? I’m just Kpop trash.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

How did everyone’s week go? I hope that it went as smooth as possible for you guys so that now you can relax for the weekend!

So, here’s a fun little story:

I’ve got some cool-ass co-workers. Like, they are possibly some of the coolest and most laid back people I’ve met in a professional setting like this, and I’m glad for my first job to have such a great group of people like them. I’ve definitely got more opportunities to get closer to some (same shifts back-to-back) and because of that, I’m definitely getting more comfortable to have deeper conversations about life rather than the typical workplace convos.

I was texting one of my co-workers after finding out she was also a big Shane Dawson & Jeffree Star fan and was following the same series I was watching as well. In true Liz form, I had to text her my thoughts on last week’s episode because there was just a lot to take in! So, we did that, but then the conversation shifted a bit when she started to worry that she didn’t feel like she has any motivations or passions she can act on and work towards. Again in true Liz nature, I offered her some advice and reassurance that everything will play itself out as she matures and experiences life some more (I mean, she’s 22, yet I’m talking as if there’s a 10-year age difference between us). She appreciated the kind words and because it was hitting close to midnight, we ended the conversation after a while.

It made me think that even for a person I only knew existed two months ago in August, I was still able to give her some honest advice that I truly believed in; I was once 22 feeling those same things right after graduating from college. Yeah, I was in grad school, but I still felt like I didn’t have any passions to fall back on; the only one I had was screenwriting which didn’t work out in the end. Because I know the feeling quite well, I was able to give some advice that I hope gave her some relief that she’s on the right path.

Possibly some of my wounded empath personality traits are healing?

But in all seriousness, the conversation truly made me wonder about giving myself some reassurance about the worries I have on life. Why is it so easy to help others out and believe the advice you give them, but when you give yourself advice, you don’t take it or believe it?

Maybe it’s more complicated than just telling myself what I have to do in order to heal. Maybe it’s the fear that I might be lying to myself about how I truly feel or something. Maybe I just overthink the scenarios if I acted upon them in the advice I give out. It’s definitely a weird game of devil’s advocate, so how do I stop doing that? How do people who believe the advice they give to others start believing it for themselves and their own problems?

I say we just have to practice doing so. We have to be confident enough with the advice we give out to others that we are able to literally practice what we preach.

For me, I’m learning that as time passes.

You honestly have to be your own support system, cheerleader, therapist, life counselor; pretty much your own damn fanbase in life because no one is going to go hard for you like you. 

So, why not believe in the things you believe for others and why not be the person you are for others for yourself?

 

 

Music mentioned in this episode:

1. Bad Girl (Bad Boy Remix) by VICTON (Seungwoo, Hanse, Seungsik)
2. DIFFERENT by WOODZ
3. Call Me Baby (Speed Up Version; originally by EXO) by XENON
4. Call Me Baby (Original Version) by EXO

 

 

 

To the Liz that was struggling this time last year,

It’s ya girl, Liz.

A lot of things changed that you aren’t aware of because you’re very busy currently being inside of your head, worrying about everything else around you in life. To be quite honest, we aren’t that different; I still struggle with some of the things you do as well, I am still learning how to balance my major depression and social anxiety disorder, and, well – I’m still trying to figure out my purpose and place on this planet.

Of course, I’ve grown since this body was living in your mindset, and I’m here to remind you that this rough patch you’re experiencing; the hopeless, sadness, and the inability to make yourself feel better isn’t always going to last.

It’s quite funny how many times I have to remind some version of myself that things will get better.

It’s like we forget that life gets hard but no matter what, we shouldn’t give up on ourselves.

Anyway, I remember the place you were at this time last year, Liz. You felt like you had no purpose, you were unemployed and so desperate to find a job, you felt unhappy in many points of your life, therapy was the only constantly good thing happening in your life, and you were dealing with some things that you didn’t know where major contributions to your undiagnosed depression.

I know you’re feeling as if there’s nothing worth living for; to be quite honest, it’s going to worsen for you as the weeks pass. But, let me remind you why I’m here today: because you were strong enough to not give up.

I got to see most of 25, and in a couple of months, I’ll get to see 26. I got the chance to cut my hair into a pixie cut and gain the confidence I now have for myself. I got the chance to start amazing projects with amazing people, find a great first job with great coworkers, and learn more about who I am. Of course, it’s not all pretty and full of rainbows: I’ve lost a lot of important elements of my life that I’m afraid I’ll never get back, I’ve had moments of feeling like a failure, moments of feeling invalidated, moments of wishing there were other people who were willing to save me from myself at times.

But, if there was anything that you taught me, it’s that you can’t save people, which means no one is going to be able to save you; only you can do that for yourself.

Don’t depend on people to be your happiness. People have to be their own happiness, and they can only add to the already happiness you have for yourself. The people in your life aren’t always going to be around, whether they’re unavailable in the moment you need them or they simply aren’t a major part of your life anymore. You have to be your own best friend, supporter, cheerleader, shoulder to cry on, and advice-giver. Yeah, it’s great if we have people in our lives who play some of these roles in your life, but at the end of the day, you have to do it for yourself.

Just like everything in life, you had to do it for yourself. You have to get out of your funks by yourself, you have to comfort yourself when things go wrong, and you have to be the reassurance figure in your life telling you that everything is going to be okay and that you’re worth it.

Once you learn how to be your own damn everything, you’ll know how to take care of yourself in times of need.

Of course, I’m not saying you can’t find some sort of happiness in others. You’ll later realize that socializing with other people, even if it’s just a customer or two, will help brighten up your days. You later realize that you’ll get to know yourself better by socializing with new people; it’s a chance to re-introduce yourself to people who don’t care about the mistakes and mishaps you made in the past. You later realize that you don’t always want to be alone in your thoughts, but another human interaction is actually quite healthy for your healing.

Liz, I’m telling you that after any bump on the road you find yourself tripping over, there’s a smooth surface with tons of things that are worth seeing through.

I know you won’t give up on yourself, it’s why I’m here, getting the chance to tell you that your decision to keep fighting is worth it, just how I know my future self will thank me for choosing to fight rather than give up.

We got this, Liz.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Let’s get straight into the meat and potatoes, shall we?

Last weekend, I went out with an old high-school friend of mine, Nina. She goes by SparklyWarTanks on her own blog, and her mission is to help others recognize and begin their healing journey of life. We definitely caught up, share some laughs, and also had some deep conversations that were honestly very needed for my own journey of self-recovery and discovery.

You see, she had me take an Enneagram test; in the psychology world, it’s basically a personality test that determines what characteristics and traits you have and how you are able to live your life according to those said things. It was relatively quick, and after I was finished with the test, I pretty much found out that I was a “type 6”, or in other words, “The Loyal Skeptic”.

Being a type 6, in Nina’s words, is really being a devil’s advocate; they are either hot or cold, confident or insecure, assertive or passive, pretty much indecisive about every uncertainty of life. As I read more and more about this type, I felt really attacked. Like, mind-reader attacked. How can one simple explanation answer all of the confusing, intangible things that I always thought about? How did a 5-minute test pick me out to be a type 6 out of the possible 9 there are? If that wasn’t enough, one thing about being this type of personality struck me the most:

My relationship with security.

Security, for me, is honestly something that becomes a little harder for me to want as I got older. When I was a teenager, I kept people around way longer than I should’ve, I held onto ideologies and moments that made me feel comfortable, and it was hard for me to try new things and let go of old things in life. If I don’t have some sort of security getting me through the day, I’m basically a trainwreck and a huge ball of anxiety.

Maybe my need for security is what ultimately caused my anxiety disorder? Maybe, maybe not, but it sure explains why it’s a lot harder for me to understand that I don’t always need to control or be controlling in certain situations.

Whatever security means in my soul, it makes a whole lotta sense on why I am who I am and why I behave the way I do in situations when I feel like I lose control over a part of my security I was used to having.

For example, a lot of things in my life has changed this year, let alone within the last two months. Some things were left under my control, and some of them it wasn’t my place to try and control anything or anyone in the first place. Either way, adjustment, and change are two vocabulary words I hate the most; they require me to go outside the box (or my shell) and actively do something about the action in progress. It’s still not easy, and every night I think about going back to my old ways and habits only because they provide me with security I am used to. Being uncertain is a fear of life, and it seems like being a type 6 is exactly that: a beautiful mess.

Acknowledging my need and desire for security in life was one that I believe I needed in order to start making more healthier decisions in my life. I now how an understanding of why I become a certain way when things don’t feel secure around me; I constantly worry everything can be taken away in a blink of an eye. Being self-aware of it now allows me to reflect on the type of relationship I have with a trait such as complete reassurance.

It really does remind me of a conversation I had with someone close to my heart telling me that if I’m not comfortable doing something, I won’t bother doing it at all.

To some extent, I guess it’s right. In those moments when I don’t feel competent enough to do the things overs want me to do, I simply just don’t do it. I’m afraid of falling and failing. I’m afraid of not having a security plan to back up all of the negative things being said when I do make a bad decision or mistake. I will always think I did something wrong or something is wrong and we’ve yet to fix it.

So, how do I fix my relationship with security?

Well, I’m learning along the way. I’m trying to learn that it’s okay being uncomfortable in certain, harmful situations. I’m trying to learn that it’s okay to make a decision and stick by it without allowing people to influence my decisions. I’m learning that there are going to be times when I don’t have complete control over everything, but I am still able to control myself.

Finding a balance between challenge and security is definitely a tough task; it’s not something that happens overnight. It takes time to understand and get into situations that test your ability and willingness to try something different. To challenge the healthy and unhealthy types of security I may have in my life is something that I believe will be another big step in my journey of healing.

Acknowledging it is just the first step into fixing this relationship I have with security.

 

 

 

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

New month, new beginnings, new adventures, new lessons, and new experiences to grow from. Every month for me is truly a journey, and for the 9 months of 2019 we went through, it’s been a long, hard journey.

I wanted to talk about this idea that I feel many of us misinterpret or misuse when talking about desires, personality traits, and resolving conflicts with people. We’ve all heard of sympathy; we can hear other people and their stories and understand where they are coming from, and because we understand, we can respect others for sharing their emotions and feelings to the public. Being sympathetic is a good trait to have; people trust other people who are willing to hear them out and understand their feelings and emotions about a specific situation. Those closest to you are trusting of you enough to allow them to express their feelings and emotions without any judgment, but it also allows the person receiving and listening to still keep their distance emotionally for their own personal sake.

So, why would people rather have someone to talk to who is empathetic than sympathetic?

Well, let’s define what empathy truly means. Empathy, in its most simple form, is when the person listening to the person who is expressing their feelings and emotions not only understands how that person feels, but they also feel how that person is feeling. In other words, someone who is empathetic knows how it feels to be in similar shoes of the person who is expressing their emotions and feelings. Sounds good, right? Wouldn’t it be great to have a friend or two in life who are willing to feel the way that you feel about something to the same degree? Wouldn’t it be right if the person you’re talking to also feels the way you feel in certain situations? Wouldn’t empathy be the great trait to have in friendships or relationships because as humans, all we want for the people we care for the most is to feel how we feel about certain scenarios and situations?

On paper, it sounds like a better trait. In practice, not so much.

For a while, I thought I was one of the special ones and thought I was empathetic more than sympathetic. I’m always taking what people tell me in confidence to heart, whether it’s a negative or positive situation. I thought I was the type of person that you could come to and talk about feelings and emotions because I knew how to respond to them and how to handle people in their most vulnerable state. Especially when it came to mental health, I thought I knew that because I go through mental health issues myself, it automatically enrolls me into the Empathy Club.

I believe I showcase empathy in certain situations, but I’m not an empathetic person.

Maybe I haven’t figured out the balance of being empathetic and still keeping my inner core strength, but in the years I’ve done experienced empathy-focused conversations and discussions, I do not have that power yet to separate myself from those said scenarios. In other words, every time I allowed myself to feel someone else’s emotions and feelings, it negatively impacted me and my mental health.

Empathy is truly a blessing and a curse; it’s great to be the person who can feel the emotions others are going through, but it also takes a toll on your own personal being, and from experience, it becomes this toxic cycle of needing empathy from other people when in hindsight, I believe no one can ever fully be empathetic.

Well, I can only speak for myself. 

It doesn’t mean that I’m this cold-hearted bitch that you can’t talk to without making you feel like shit; I do believe I’m a very sympathetic person. I’ve always been sympathetic and I’ve always understood (if not, then I tried to understand) where another person is coming from and where their headspace is at. I try my hardest not to judge people and allow them to come as they come because I know that’s how I want to be treated in return. I can be sympathetic and understanding of one’s feelings and emotions, but for my own personal mental health reasons, I can’t allow myself to feel, nor will I ever fully feel how someone else is feeling.

I mean, how can you possibly feel what another person is feeling? I’m not talking about intimate relationships either, but the everyday relationships you have with your family, friends, co-workers, strangers, etc? You don’t know how it feels to live in the life of those in your life. You don’t know the type of struggles they go through, what they have to deal with on a day-to-day- basis, nor why they act the way they act. You simply don’t know, all you can do is understand. 

If I learned anything within this year, it’s the fact that I won’t ever feel the same way a person feels. I may know how it feels, I may understand how it feels through experiences in life, but I will never feel what other people are feeling. People’s triggers, breaking points, breaking good/bad news will always be different for every individual, hence the way they act or feel about it is unique to them.

But maybe I’m just being too logical about this. 

Maybe there is a way where you can feel another person’s feelings and emotions without losing yourself in the process. Maybe you can understand what caused a person to feel the way they do, and experience it yourself internally or something. Maybe there are ways where you could be aware enough to the point whenever you approach someone with your own emotions and feelings, you ask in advance if they can handle you at this given moment.

Maybe empathy is something you have when you’re confident enough with yourself. Maybe being an empathetic person isn’t my alignment because I’m on this “good selfish” path where I’m finally prioritizing myself. Maybe being sympathetic is all I can offer to people at the moment, not because I’m self-centered, but because I still care about people and the way they feel; however, at the end of the day, the way I feel and my mental state of mind comes first.

Being sympathetic isn’t a bad thing, y’ know! Of course, there will be people disguising themselves as sympathetic people because it’s the right thing to try to understand where a person’s feelings and emotions are coming from. People vent to one another in hopes that the other person understands them and, if asked, suggest some advice to them!

Emotionally keeping your distance from people isn’t always a bad thing. Yeah, it sounds like it’s bad, but it doesn’t have to be. Keeping your distance when someone is expressing their feelings and emotions towards you allows you to see the situation through an unbiased lens. If you have a friend who’s telling you she slashed her ex-boyfriend’s tires after looking through his DMs, you gotta let her know that all that shit was unnecessary and now she has a bigger problem in her hands. You can understand why she did it, but it doesn’t mean that what she did was right. In another scenario, if you have a friend who opens up to you about domestic violence in their household, you still can have the distance away from the situation to be there for that friend. You can understand the pain she’s going through without allowing your feelings and emotions to get in the way of the situation.

So, whether you are an empathetic person or a sympathetic one, those are two good traits to have at least one of. You become a resource for the people in your life that might have no one else to discuss things with. You’re reliable, trustworthy, and kind enough to understand or feel what others are telling you in confidence. For years, I’ve been the person that my friends came to whenever they had hardships in their lives, and whether or not I’ve personally gone through similar situations (yeah, I’m talking about middle school Liz who gave out relationship advice with NO relationship experience), I’ve listened and helped out in the best way I could.

There isn’t no wrong or right way to be there for the people you care about, as long as you’re doing what’s right for you and for those who you care for. Empathy, sympathy, whatever works best for you, you are still being a helpful friend to others.

They say once you get a tattoo, it becomes addicting. In 2014, I told myself this was going to be the first and last tattoo I’ll ever be getting, yet here we are 5 years later talking about the third one I recently just got.

So yeah, on September 14th around 5ish on a nice ass breezy evening, I got my third tattoo.

I wanted this tattoo to be a little different than the ones I previously got. You see, my first tattoos are simply just lettering, which I thought was going to be the only tattoos I would ever put on my body. I told myself I wanted to be covered in words since I am a writer, and honestly, I would’ve stood by that goal if it wasn’t for the inspiration I had behind this tattoo.

My first tattoo was an homage to a TV show that ultimately saved my life back in 2013 and 2014, my second one was inspired on what I do, and this third one I wanted to dedicate it to the album that has saved my life a couple of times throughout the years: Kelly Clarkson’s My December. I’ve definitely spoken about this album in detail plenty of times on the blog, but one thing I left out was that even when I was a teenager, I wanted a tattoo that symbolized the album in a unique way. Of course, I never had an idea for what I would get to do so, so after a while, I just completely forgot about the idea. Until recently.

What makes My December such a beautiful album is that no matter how old I get and how young I was when it was first released, I related (and still relate) to those songs on the album. Kelly Clarkson has made it apparent that this album was written during one of the darkest points in her life, yet it’s honestly the most honest and real albums I’ve ever heard of music coming from an artist. Kelly fought for this album to be released; her recording label didn’t agree on the genre that she was now gravitating towards, which lead to poor promotions and record-low sales for an album of hers. Many people may not know this album when I tell them about it, but I certainly do, and it continuously impacts me the same way it did when I was 13-years-old back in 2007. It was a masterpiece in my opinion.

So, on Track 4 of the album, Sober, is possibly one of Kelly’s best songs for many reasons. The message behind it takes about the loss of toxicity in your life and having to rebuild yourself in a more positive matter, and whenever Kelly gets the chance to perform the song, it’s beautiful. She once told the story of how the song was inspired by a quote a friend once told her: “you just have to pick all your weeds and keep the flowers.”

And it’s so true.

For a person that hoards a lot of things in life, sometimes holding onto them hurts you more than it would if you let go. Sometimes, the weeds that are in your garden of life is killing the other things in it, and you just got to pick them all out in order to let the beautiful things in life, the flowers, remain beautiful. Also, sometimes removing the distracting weeds allows you to see the good things that are going for you in life.

So, I got this tattoo (template was found online) and thought that this was a perfect representation of the lyric.

Of course, I went to my usual guy in Brooklyn to get it tattooed, and the rest is history. Honestly, I’m in love with it.

I love how delicate and sweet the drawing is; it’s feminine, it’s a fine line tattoo, and I love how clean the whole thing came out. I can’t lie; I was in a lot of pain at some points where the needle hit the most sensitive spots, and all I could think about is how do people sit in these chairs for hours getting a tattoo. This one was probably 10 minutes tops, and it felt like I was there for 30. I did bleed a lot, which worried me because I never bled as much as I did with my other two tattoos, but apparently, I have “great tattoo skin”, and doing such fine lining like this is usually difficult to achieve. So, I’m glad for my “good tattoo skin”. 

It was a bittersweet moment going to the spot where I got my first two tattoos because it brings back a ton of memories. The first time I ever been there to get tattooed, I was 20, blonde, and someone special to me accompanied me for the journey. The second tattoo, I got into a great conversation with the tattoo artists about my favorite TV show ever while getting tattooed. This time around, it felt like I came full circle in an odd way.

I say that because I never thought I would get something drawn on my body. I was always too afraid for image pieces tattooed on my body. I knew I couldn’t handle the pain, I thought I would look ugly with a bigger, image piece on me, and I thought I would regret it once the high of getting a tattoo wore off. But I did it. I got through it, I love it, and although I shouldn’t get too deep about a damn tattoo, this truly represents a life that is continuously introducing me to new things.

So, yeah, I guess I’m picking the weeds and keeping the flowers. Hopefully, my garden of flowers will turn out beautiful.

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

We are finally back to our regularly scheduled Saturday program after its summer hiatus; Self-Appreciation Saturday! SAS thanks the Overexposed Project for holding it down for the summer while it was taking a break after being the longest-running series on the blog. Now we’re back and better than ever to help you find some self-appreciation during the weekend!

So, with that being said, let’s talk.

So, as some of you might know, I finally landed a job about a month ago. It was exciting, it was something new, and I was so glad that I was now finally getting some work experience and all that jazz. I work at my old college’s bookstore as a bookseller, which in less fancy terms: an all-round expert on the books in our bookstore, cashier, order packer, stocker, etc. We pretty much do everything besides the special stuff that our managers do. Although I wrote a blog post talking about how my first week of work was like, the real challenge came once the semester started at the end of August.

The first two weeks of the semester is what we call RUSH; it’s the time of year that everyone comes to the bookstore to buy their textbooks for their classes. At first, it was extremely overwhelming. To have only a week of experience before the semester started was hard to adapt to, here and there I’ve made mistakes and had to learn from them. Of course, it doesn’t mean that I wasn’t extremely anxious over those mistakes I made. I sold a wrong book to a customer, I opened all the rolls of coins not knowing that registers are counted at the end of the day, I left someone on hold for 25 minutes, and I walkie-talkied my manager probably 20 times the first day, pleading for help at the downstairs register. For a quick moment, I truly felt like quitting my job because it just seemed like it was doing more harm to my mental health than good. But with a little more helpful guidance from my therapist, some practice, and the support from my amazing manager and coworkers, I am finally getting into the swing of things, and I honestly love the routine I now have with this job.

Having a retail job has definitely taught me more than just how to work the damn register.

In fact, it’s taught me a lot about my anxiety and how to calm it down when something isn’t in my plan-book for the day.

You see, retail isn’t the ideal job for someone that has a social anxiety disorder; retail requires you to be social. You must greet customers, talk to them, ask them helpful questions, smile, help them with anything, and even if they are complete assholes to you, you must still be nice and helpful. Surprisingly, the whole customer interaction thing wasn’t the hardest part for me; in fact, it seemed to be the easiest part of the job, minus the phone call interactions that asked all the complex questions. Anyway, the hardest part of the job is the possible conflicts I had with some of the pissed-off, cranky, and unreasonable customers. The possible mistakes I made that could’ve resulted in those angry customers were the type of things that I had a hard time dealing with.

Explaining this to my therapist when she asked me what was the hardest part of my job surprised her. While she thought the social interactions with people would’ve been the hardest part, it was something that spoke about my self-esteem and confidence more than anything else. Because I’m new to this work environment and even work in general, I’m bound to make mistakes here and there. We all made minor mistakes, and we just have to learn from them, and yeah, practice does make perfect! Also, I’m learning that just because there is just an annoyed customer in my face (or on the phone), it doesn’t mean it’s my fault that the customer feels the way they do. I have to remind myself that there is only so much that I can do in certain situations, and as long as I’m doing that, my job is done nevertheless.

Confrontations are hard enough, and it’s even harder when your anxiety tells you that it’s your fault that these confrontations are happening.

At the end of the day, I am learning not to blame myself for everything that may be going wrong, and just acknowledging that is a huge step to managing your anxiety. Separating yourself and your emotions from these situations are what’s going to help run your life smoothly, in all honesty. Although it’s hard for me to separate the two, constantly reminding yourself that it’s not always directly about you and that people are going to be people regardless. As long as you’re doing what you know is right, nothing else really matters.

 

 

It’s not that I want to die, it’s just that I wish that the pain I feel would go away permanently.

The last time I cut myself was three weeks ago. 

For once, the physical pain of my scars was masking the mental pain I was feeling in that moment. It felt good for a brief moment, up until I recollected my thoughts and asked myself why did I resort to self-harm in the first place? Am I going down the rabbit hole again? Will the next time be more intense? What got me to finally relapse after years of being free of self-harming?

You see, the last time I cut myself was 6 years ago, in 2013. No therapist, no medication, not even fully aware that the things I was feeling and going through were major signs of depression. For 6 years, through the hard times and the rough patches, I was strong enough to not pick up a sharp object and cut my skin to mask the mental pain with physical pain.

But, that doesn’t mean I never had suicidal thoughts.

The suicidal thoughts were intense when I was eighteen. I was going through a major dark time in my life, and back then I actually wanted to die. I don’t know how I honestly got through it and out of that place, but my very limited memories of that time in my life are just me being intensely depressed, cutting myself on the bathroom floor, writing poems that were disguised as suicide notes.

Maybe it’s because I’m older that I now have a better understanding of life. My brain isn’t aware of that I feel the same type of pain I did back then, but I now have more value and respect for my life. I know I want to live. 

I want to live because I am only 25, and I still have an entire world to explore. I want to live to see my friends get married and start families of their own, I want to live to see myself get engaged and married in the future, I want to live to see who I am by the time I’m 30, 40, 50 years old. I want to live because I know my life is not over yet, and I know that I will get through this.

But to even get to that specific headspace takes so much willpower. Sometimes, there will be people that take more than one pill at a time just so that they get some well-needed sleep, and unfortunately, commit suicide in the process. Sometimes, there will be people who cut their wrists too deep and unfortunately commit suicide in the process.

As an active fighter against my own demons and survivor of defeating past ones, I stand here today to let you know that things will always get better, and your life matters.

You matter because people do love you. They will miss you. They will mourn you, and regret that they couldn’t help you when you’re alive. You matter because your unique talents and passions can make a difference not only to your life but also in the world. You matter because there is no one else like you; sure, other people may have similar qualities, but no one is going to be exactly like you in this world. Losing you means we lose your sense of humor, your style, your spunk, your passions, and the imperfections that make up the beauty in you. You matter.

I matter.

So while I’m getting the help needed in order to keep on living on this planet, I hope you are too. Ask for help, go and talk to a professional, you can even go online and talk to someone on NYC Well if you live in the NYC area (of course, there are other hotlines you can reach out to if you are not in NYC). Most importantly, create a safety plan for yourself in order to become aware of your behavior and thoughts when it goes through this crisis mode:

• What are some of the things that trigger you into this crisis mode?
• What are some of the behaviors you portray when they happen?
• What are some things you can do to help cope when you are by yourself?
• Who are some of the people in your life you can text or call when you are having a crisis mode?
• What are some of the professional resources I can use if I can’t reach anyone personal in my life?
• How can I prevent myself from self-harming in the future?
• What are some of the reasons you want to live?

Simply creating a safety plan to live by and remember whenever you feel a lack of control in your life and going through crisis mode can honestly save your life. I created my own safety plan with my therapist a couple of weeks ago after admitting to her that I had recently cut myself after weeks of my depression becoming more intense. I now have a better idea of the moments and feelings that drive me to a negative headspace, and I now know what to do if I ever come confronted with those moments and feelings, and have other outlets to depend on instead of taking it out on my body. I now know what to avoid when I’m in that negative headspace, and I now know the unique objects and places that can help me through the negative thoughts and intense emotions.

It’s the little things that may actually save your life in the long run.

I’m an advocate for mental health, especially suicide awareness and prevention because I’ve been a victim and I’ve been a witness to it. It’s such a terrible thing to have to experience and hear about on the news, especially those who are in my age range and even as young as pre-teens. While we are having more conversations about mental health to prevent suicide, it is still one of the highest death rates within younger age groups, and I hope that at least sharing my story to one of you guys will help you understand that you aren’t alone, the thoughts and emotions you feel aren’t just yours alone, and that you can come out stronger and happier in the long-run.

Also, don’t feel bad if you relapsed in any way. I might have relapsed after 6 years of being self-harm free, but it doesn’t mean that the way I handled things in the past was right for my mental health. It also doesn’t mean all the process I’ve made since then is now gone. We all have our moments, and sometimes we don’t even have control over ourselves, but please – make sure you have some sort of safety plan so that your relapse isn’t an accidental suicide.

We don’t want to lose you because you matter.

And let those around you who are struggling to find reasons to live that they matter too.