Author: liz

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: Platonic Intimacy.

liz

“I’ve fallen in love with you as a human, and I’m so happy in this friendship. So please, don’t be afraid to show affection to me the way you want to.“

I grew up thinking that if I loved my friends on the same level as those who I crushed on or who I was with romantically, it wasn’t a friendship anymore. It was you, crushing on your friend, feelings attached, and can never go back to having that same “friendship innocence” that it was in the beginning. My last best friend was my first love. I fell in love with my best friend and because of mutual feelings, we could never go back to being just that. We are always now bound to being exes of a relationship; our lives as best friends didn’t exist anymore.

Hi, my name is Liz; I fall in love with my best friends & tend to fuck shit up because of it.

The more I think about my past life and the friendships I kept so close to me, I fell in love with them in ways normal friends don’t do. I love everything about them, and I try my best to nurture and comfort and be a supportive figure in their lives because I have such a deep care for them and want the absolute best for them. I’m not saying I don’t tend to my friends in the same way, but I seem to just be a little more… motherly to those who I love.

I realized just how motherly I was when my ex used to tease me for treating him like a child. Sure, he didn’t mean any harm in it in the beginning until time went on and our arguments had told me otherwise. Nowadays, I tend to hide that quality because I don’t want to come off as annoying to people.

Although I’ve been on my own and discovering my identity for the last year, I’ve realized that this quality that I’ve been shunning away is a quality that will never leave me; I will always nurture and overly care for the friendships I hold dearest and closest to my heart. I realized this when I started to make friends on my own in the duration of the past year; whether it was at work with my co-workers, friends I made in my spare time, or when I decided to become a part of the Kpop community back in June of this year.

The fact of the matter is that once I gain that connection with someone, I automatically get really protective over them and begin to worry about them in ways that may seem a little bit suffocating. I know sometimes my anxiety can be overwhelming for most, but my worry for those I love and my extreme range of emotion I have for them is just how I know to show my own love to others. Some may not agree with it and may think it’s me crossing boundaries, but I’m honestly not the only one that values platonic love ion their friendships.

My current best friend, Ro, is a person that I met through the Kpop community. We instantly connected through our love for Victon, but also just getting to know each other and we came to realize that we have insanely a lot in common. After establishing a really close friendship, I realized that Ro was the type of person that valued their friendships to the same degree I did. We knew what our boundaries were regarding our friendships; we saw our friendships having the same value as most romantic relationships, and possibly because of that, we both tend to not have that many friends that understood it. It was extremely easy to get to know Ro and express the love I have for them because they understood the level of platonic intimacy within friendships. We are able to show affection to each other without it getting too weird; we know our boundaries and we both know it’s all out of platonic love.

In other words, we tell each other “I love you” every single day. We get cute and mushy and personal with one another, and no matter what happens, we always tend to be there for each other on levels most friends I had in the past never been on. The other week, I was in a really bad depressive episode and I was on the phone with Ro. Trying to explain to them what was going on and how I was feeling, a week later they sent me a notebook and a couple of pages of self-care tips as a way to remind me that I am loved and that they are there for me. Vice versa; they went through a couple of bad times within the past couple of weeks and despite our distance, I make sure that matter where I am, I make that time to be there for their roughest days.

Being Ro’s best friend has taught me that it’s okay to have this value in friendships because they are the most important relationships we want in our lives. For me, being in a romantic relationship for the last decade has made me not want to focus this next chapter of my life on romantic relationships. I don’t want to spend my energy on just one person; I want to be able to connect with a bunch of new people and build meaningful relationships within them. I just want to be able to make friends after not being able to have and keep them for the last decade, but I do want to experience a new type of love: a platonic one. Being best friends with Ro allows me to experience what it means to have a platonic love with someone, and it’s made my friendships with them a hell of a lot stronger.

I’m happy that I was able to build a friendship with someone that values the friendship to the same level as I do. To have a friend that understands friendships in the way that you do makes this a lot more easier; it pretty much makes the boundaries for you and allows you to be your complete self around them! It’s made me realize that these friendships have so much more value to me than romantic relationships these days, and they make me the happiest I’ve been in a really long time because of it.

Here’s to platonic intimacy and telling your firneds that you lvoe them to the moon and back.

Misc.

10/9/20: letting go.

liz

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock reminding me to take my anxiety medication this morning. We did, after it what feels like an eternity since I actively started to take it again. My best friend, Ro, yelled at me for not taking it one night and since then, I’ve been trying my best to remember to take my medication in the morning. It was a weird day for me; today I mourn the loss of my former self, the person that I was in the last decade, the person that needed to grow and prosper and although that person is forever grateful for what they went through, they simply don’t belong in this version of my life anymore. I was reminded of the first time, on this day, so many years ago. I remember that person, what she was wearing, where she was walking home from, what fucking happened that day in school. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how the events of this day happened, but I’m allowed to let it go for my own well-being.

Being in the city today, spontaneously taking a trip with my sibling to help them find a place they’ll be going to in a couple of weeks felt refreshing. To get a metro-card, slide it into the subway station, and sit on trains that I haven’t taken (and in the direction towards the city) since August 2019 felt like I was accomplishing something. I felt like I was able to not block myself off from a part of my city because I was afraid of everything coming back. I was afraid of seeing the old version of me walking those streets, getting off those train stops, surrounding themselves in the scenery of what felt like a second home to them; I was always afraid of looking back. But here I am, taking the train to the train stop where I always got off, where I got most of my goodbye kisses, where I passed through for the last decade of my life. I took it and wlaked like nothing ever happened within that train platform.

Nevins Street. Hoyt Street. Borough Hall. Clark Street. Wall Street. Fulton Street. The train ride to our destination didn’t take too long, but taking the train nowadays always gives me a great deal of anxiety. It reminds me of the time where a man grabbed my wrist to keep me on the train when I was trying to get off on a stop that clearly wasn’t mine. It reminds me of the time when I got into the hugest fight with a partner in the middle of a subway platform and broke down in tears. It reminds me of the fact that I was stuck on an above-ground train coming home one night in a full-crowded cart. The trains were never my friend, and I now avoid them at all costs. For my sibling, though, I would try to forget and let those things go in order to help them get somewhere they needed, and if anything – I never have to ride the train again if I don’t want to. Nevertheless though, riding the train was something that I feel like real New Yorkers do. I felt like a real New Yorker today, going into the city doing city shit, the typical New Yorker shit.

I used to go into the city a lot when I was younger. When I was 17, I spent practically a week and a half traveling back and forth to Carnegie Hall for rehearsals with my choir. I remember the night of that performance, some of my choir mates and I rode the train home and started to sing on the cart. A woman and a man, who didn’t know each other whatsoever started to sing “S&M” by Rihanna with us, and might I add they slayed with their vocals. We were all in total shock; just a whole train cart of talented singers on a Sunday night.

When I was 22, I met up with a couple of my acting friends during the summer to go out for dinner. We traveled to Chinatown to this Ramen place that had possibly some of the best Ramen I’ve had in a really long time. We laughed, we took pictures and videos to post on Snapchat, and we walked through lower Manhattan through a festival happening in Little Italy. We traveled pretty much everywhere in the city; even to Times Square for Coldstone Ice Cream to end our day. It was one of the days I will forever cherish because I was at my happiest that year. Those people made my year possibly the best out of my college experience. They were my squad.

It wasn’t long until I found myself back in the train station, telling my sibling where they would need to go and what side of the train to take in order to get home the day of their test. I don’t know when or how I became one that just knew the subway line system well, but I did, and my sibling always depends on me to help them get to places in the city that they may not ever been before. I guess the fact of the matter is, I traveled the city a lot. I’ve been all over the city, all over Brooklyn, in parts of the Bronx and Queens and I mean, even Staten Island; I always loved traveling around the city because I was able to see different places other than the neighborhood I lived in. There’s so much to see in the city, and I sometimes take that for granted because I know one day I won’t be here, I might not reside in New York when I get older and live on my own, I may not have the time to see the city for what it si and how it’s constantly changing into what the world currently is. I may not be able to take a spontaneous trip to the city with my sibling to just help them out and get to a place they need to get to. I may realize that New York will always be my home, despite where I may be in the future, where I may go, live, travel; whatever I may be, I can always come back home to this city.

Despite where I may go in my life; the people that come into it, the events that happened, and the versions of myself that I was, I will always find my way back home. I will always have this body and this space where I can grow and learn in, where I can continue to be when life moves forward and I face new challenges and make new memories. Despite what happened and how I got here, I’m still here, and I need to let go of what was.

My future needs me, my past doesn’t.

Misc.

10/3/20: an entry.

liz

I looked up at the blue sky yesterday afternoon and took this picture. I wasn’t laying down on grass or anything, but I was surrounded by the trees that were living their last days being green, sheltering me from the sun beaming too harshly on me, protecting me from anything blurring my vision.

I used to come to this park when I was 19-years-old. I wasn’t in the best place in 2013; being a freshman in college and wanting to drop out, living my life in constant fear due to death threats, and constantly thinking about every car driving by hitting me in the streets because I just didn’t want to be inside my own mind anymore. 19 was just a duplicate of 18, just not in high-school anymore.

When I felt the worst on days, I would walk 2 miles towards no destination, and then walk 2 miles back. I sometimes would walk to the dog park to watch the dogs be carefree and happy with their owners, I sometimes would walk to the bridge and sit near the water and take the view of the borough across from where I was. In the winter time, I used to walk down the blocks with the most Christmas decorations. No matter where I went, I discovered something about the neighborhood that held some beauty to my eye.

On most of my adventures, I would stop in this little park about halfway through. It’s a little park with some benches, no playground, no kids, no noise. I would come here to sit on a bench and rest for a couple of minutes; grab some water, check my phone for any messages or calls I missed, and just breathe. I don’t know why whenever I would walk that way I felt the need to stop here, but I did, almost every single walk I went on.

I remember one of the last times I came to this park. It was August 2013 and I was saying my last goodbyes to a person that I loved dearly, but needed to let go in order to prosper and take care of my own well being. While that was the last time I ever saw that person, I guess the memory of sitting with them on that bench was too hurtful to ever return there again. Life got busy, and I ultimately stopped walking.

1:16pm:

Coming back here as a 26-year-old in a new decade with practically a new life compared to my 2013 one, I sat on the bench I always sat on and watched around me. There was a couple cuddling and talking to one another, there was man reading a book, another man with his bike chugging down a water bottle, and a man playing catch with his dog. Despite everything that may be happening, the world moves forward with people doing their own thing, spending time the way they want, and I guess those other people and myself decided we wanted to spend our time being in this moment, in this park, just taking in whatever it is we need to take in for our own peace of mind.

For me, it was the fact that for a really long time, I haven’t had the time to think about myself. I’ve felt like I haven’t been able to actually think and take care of my needs, and I guess my mind and body kept telling me that I needed to slow down. Because I haven’t had the time to do the things I wanted to do, I’ve found myself losing a lot of my interest in the things that made me happy; kpop collecting, writing the blog, etc. I’ve been so mentally and physically exhausted from the constant working and appointments/tests for bariatrics surgery that I haven’t had a moment to myself and just… not be busy or think about anything else that is normally on my mind.

1:34pm:

I’ve been living in another universe a lot these days. My best friend, Ro, has been writing a “novel disguised as a fanfic”; that’s as good as I can describe it. In this universe, I am the spunky and spicy fireball of a best friend that doesn’t take shit from no one and makes sure her voice is always heard. Sure, she’s a character that is somewhat based on me, but as a writer myself, I love living in the universe of characters, and I’ve been really invested in Ro’s writing universe. During my time at the park, it give me time to have some really cool conversation with them about this universe and where they are thinking about taking the narrative and story as a whole and it was just a feeling I enjoyed a lot; it was a feeling that I didn’t want to stop feeling because it was me at my most peaceful state for a really long time.

I also found out that some of my peace stems from picture taking. These days, I am finding myself stopping in the middle of the street, randomly taking pictures of different things I found interesting or picture-worthy. Whether I’m on my way to work surrounded by campus trees and open space or I’m walking on a crowded street in Brooklyn’s Chinatown, I feel the need to capture the things I see with a camera. I’m no photographer, but I’ve been really enjoying capturing the moments I see around me.

2:17pm:

Perhaps I just want to be a little artsy and creative since being in this really long writer’s block. I’ve been putting my creative energy in taking pictures and posting them on my personal account on Instagram as a “journal entry”, sorta just going through the thoughts I may be having that particular week or something. It’s not much and it’s not a whole thought out piece like my blog, but it’s something. It’s still allowing me to create and put together word that I have to say, and if anything, that makes my voice still being heard, and me having things left to say.

Welcome to how life has been for me lately.

Overexposed: A Self-Love Project.

Overexposed: My Chapters.

liz

Chapter one,

I am in love with you. So fucking in love with you, that it keeps me up at night because it’s eating me up inside. I’m happy whenever I’m with you, your smile makes me feel like I’m a teenager again, your positive energy is contagious, and the way you try you say my name makes me melt to this day. I love putting my hands through your hair, skin on mine, whispers in my ear, hands on my warm body, caressing every part of it without making me feel insecure about my weight. We never are the same people in our little world. Every time I wake up next to you, sun peeking in through the wall-sized window and the cars driving throughout the busy city, I see my future with you. I see myself getting ready for work with you on mornings, I see myself making you coffee, helping you agree on your outfit for the day, getting your bag ready with your things, kissing you goodbye until we see each other later tonight. I see you continuing giving me my firsts in life; I see us traveling to California for a vacation under the palm trees, I see myself attending my closest friends’ weddings with you, slow dancing with you in hopes I will one day wear a white dress for you. I am so crazy fucking in love with you, that I know I can’t see the bad things you also make me feel. You make me feel inadequate. You make me feel like my anxiety and depression are meaningless. You make me feel like I don’t deserve anyone else– anything else– in the world but you. You make me feel anxious, scared to be myself, scared to be something you will not be in love with anymore. I am utterly in love with you, but I don’t know how to love myself, and I constantly feel like you want me to love you before I love myself. Because of that, I feel like I’m slipping, like something is coming to an end, like I can’t save this from being the most heartbreaking thing to happen to me. I am in love with you. So fucking in love with you, but I need to love myself before I kill myself.

Chapter two,

“Welcome to the CSI Bookstore; my name is Liz, how can I help you today?” is the best way I could say I’m fine without getting too deep into things. “Hi, welcome to my shitty life, can you see my liquid eyeliner trying to conceal my puffy eyes? There is also mascara to prevent me from crying but hey, when did that ever stop me?” Behind the register, wanting someone– anyone– to see me, ask me at the counter if I’m okay, to tell me everything was going to be okay. I look up to see my co-workers and I instantly smile; laughing and joking around without a care in the world and they see me. One of them is a freelance fashion stylist. One of them is a huge oldies music lover. One of them knows all the latest trends and lingo. One of them is an international student from Honduras. One of them has piercings and tattoos that tell a story. On days that are dead, we get to know each other through stories. I’m able to tell my story; a story that is still continuing but slowly, with time, coming to an end. I’m sharing this story to a bunch a strangers that only knew me for a couple of months; yet, they feel natural. They feel right. They feel like they belong here. “Hi, welcome! I’m Liz, is there anything I can help you with?” is now my default but this time, a smile, a “omg, I love your bookbag, where did you get it from?” or a “omg, you should totally go to my tattoo guy, he’s amazing” and even a “honestly, professors are just doing too much, even when I was a student here” follows along. I laugh from a coworker puts the biggest smile on my face, a joke from another makes me laugh the heartiest laugh I could possibly do. Even a boy that comes into the bookstore has caught my eye, the first one in 10 years. I feel seen. I feel wanted. I feel loved. I feel like I belong. When I leave the bookstore that Saturday afternoon to get ready for a vacation in the sunshine state in March, I wave goodbye to my coworkers, hoping the next week for them is a good one, that I will be back with Florida stories and possibly a Florida tan talking about my experience being on an airplane for the first time. I left the double doors, leaving my presence there, not knowing that I’m also leaving a chapter there; that I’m not coming back as the person I let there as.

Chapter three,

I cannot stop laughing. My laughter is echoing through my small, NYC apartment. I can’t help myself. I type in the group chat a really clever joke about a member of Victon, but someone beats me to it. Twins. I don’t remember my stomach ever feeling this hurt from laughing so much. The chat dies down and I’m able to catch my breath and reflect on how these last couple of months have been some of the best this year. “These people get me, I feel like I belong.” My phone screen lights up with a notification; “saranghae_ro: what are you doing rn? Watch party tonight?” It’s never a dull day without these people. For people I never met in person, I feel the most love for; people who understand a side of me that I hid for 2 years; 2 chapters in my life. In 2 months, I was more myself than I have been in my life. I was allowed to gush over a Kpop idol that I secretly loved for months, a group that saved my life during my grieving process, music that I am able to openly talk about with people who do the same thing. Although being in this new world brings back insecurities and worries that I accept will always follow me into new environments, I am reassured that who I am, in this moment, is perfectly fine. And because of that, I remind them how much I love them. I tell him how grateful to have them in my life. I am thankful for their presence, I am appreciative of their kind gestures, and they are just a part of my overall happiness. I even have a best friend, my first one in 10 years. They are the closest thing to a friend I had in the last two years, the last two chapters. They freakishly share similarities with me, which makes the dynamic even that more interesting. I’m not one to believe in coincidences, but my best friend was meant to cross paths with me, they were meant to be in this chapter to allow me to see that I can be someone’s closest friend, that I was worthy enough to be a friend, to someone, who saw the same value in me as I do them.

But I fear this chapter the most. As easy it was for me to get here, to feel like I belonged, and for once I am afraid that it will slip through my fingers like the memories and the people in my other chapters; the ones before these and the ones that came before. I am tired of my chapters. I am tired of never getting some sort of closure to one chapter; they are always lingering; those chapters are still being told in this one. I am scared this will be another chapter I will lose, that I will mourn, that I will talk about in my future chapters.

That I am nothing but chapters.

Misc.

Why I Haven’t Been Writing.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz.

First off, I want to start off by apologizing for not finishing Blogust this year. I mean, I don’t think anyone really noticed, but I did, and the writer’s side of me has been disappointed lately at the lack of writing I’ve been doing on here, in my free time, and creatively. It’s been… a weird couple of weeks for me.

I returned back to work and although things aren’t stressful, the upkeep and activity needed takes a toll on my body. Because of that, I’ve been experiencing a level of fatigue that, well, has been different to what I usually go through, and it’s causing me to not want to do anything but rest my body and my mind.

I’ve also been really busy getting prepared for bariatrics surgery in a couple of months. When I’m not at work, I’m pretty much taking every test needed to be cleared for surgery, which is a lot at times. I know everything will be fine in the long run, but the process to get there is… a lot to process in the first time.

I also have been spending a lot of time online in the kpop community and talking to my friends on the platform. My best friend, Ro, has been writing their own universe and to be quite honest, being in their universe has been really hard to be in my own, which is completely fine! Haha, their writing universe is so fascinating and interesting and I enjoy being so invested in it and like wow, they are a hell of a writer. But yeah, I just been wanting to spend my time with my friends whenever I can because they are some of the few reasons why my days are so much better.

I’m in a really good place, despite me having moments when I’m not; it’s just the human in me. But, I still haven’t been motivated to write, and I don’t know why it’s taking me this long to write something. Am I just in a funk? Am I just too busy? Am I falling out of love with writing?

Stop, Liz. That’s not the case.

The truth of the matter is, I’ve been… feeling inspiration through my eyes, as in I’ve been taking pictures of places and things that have been inspirational to me. Is that weird, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to take a picture of literally anything and find it inspirational?

I think I’m just… taking life as it comes. I feel like I need to capture moments more than anything these days. I feel like time is such a precious thing, and I’m afraid of not being able to see certain things in my life, in certain moments, at certain times. Is that weird? I feel like I may be blabbering. Something about being outside makes me feel… alive, and I just always wanna capture it on my phone.

I really do hope that this “funk” I am in with my writing goes away soon, because I really do miss being on the blog, just writing things for you guys, for the blog, and most importantly – for myself.

Thanks again for hanging around.

Misc.

Day 27: One-Year Anniversary of X1.

liz
X1 broke the record of the fastest 1st win on a music show. – KPOP World Radio Shop

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

So, a year ago on this day, my first ever ult group debuted. They were called X1.

X1, for those who may not know, was a project group for the PDX101 season where the top 11 contestants would get the chance to debut in a group. In age order, the members were Seungwoo, Seungyoun, Wooseok, Yohan, Hangyul, Junho, Dongpyo, Minhee, Eunsang, Hyeongjun, and Dohyon. Their first mini album, Quantum Leap, was one of the most successful rookie debuts within 4th generation Kpop.

I very much followed their debut because I followed the survival show since the beginning; I knew some of these boys would be in the group since the very beginning; they just had the certain look and energy of a kpop idol. Others were a complete surprise but so deserving of their rankings! I instantly fell in love with them because I really liked every member that debuted in this group! They had amazing chemistry together even before they debuted, and I’m a sucker for a group with amazing chemistry.

When they came out with their debut mini album, there was already this dark cloud over them; people were speculating that the voting system was rigged. But nevertheless, X1 debuted, they sold out their debut showcase concert, and they sold I believe 500,000 copies within the first week? It was something along those lines.

For two months, they promoted and went to several events and even when we thought things were getting better for X1, the media was not giving them a break. After being silent for most of the last month of 2019, it was then announced that they are disbanding in January 2020. It was definitely a sad day for X1, One-Its, and everyone that worked on and with this project group. I know that I was heartbroken that this happened.

A couple of months later, and the members of X1 are now doing things within their companies: Seungwoo returned to VICTON and made his solo debut, Seungyoun made his solo debut (comeback?) as WOODZ, Wooseok also made his solo debut, Yohan has been in the public eye and just released a solo single, Hangyul and Dohyon made their debut as a unit called H&D, Minhee and Hyeongjun debuted in CRAVITY, Eunsang is making his solo debut, and the other members are still trainees in hopes to make their debuts soon. Nevertheless, they are all doing their own things in this industry and I couldn’t be more proud of them.

I will always have a special place in my heart for X1. Their album was my first ever Kpop album that I bought, they were the first group I ulted, and during the short time of their activities, their music and their presence helped me get through some of the toughest parts of my life at the end of 2019. They were amazing, they were precious, and I know that if they were still promoting, they would’ve been possibly one of the biggest boy groups right now because– I MEAN THEY BROKE INSANE RECORDS Y’ALL AS ROOKIES– but, they all seem to be extremely happy being where they are now and I’m glad most of them are present and active in the community. Plus, I mean if X1’s disbandment didn’t break my heart, I don’t think I would’ve gotten into VICTON and become such fucking trash for them!

Happy 1-Year Anniversary, X1. We will always love & support you, even if you are not together as one anymore.

Yours Truly, A One-It. ❤

Misc.

Day 26: Liz, Your Demi, *Asexual* Pixie Cut Friend.

liz

Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

Today’s post has a very Overexposed vibe to it. I wanted to talk about something that’s been on my mind for awhile now. I never came to terms with this just because I was still defining who was and what it was that I really wanted out of life. Well, in November I shared that I’m demiromantic, and it’s been a very important part of my identity and I’ve made it very apparent what my intentions were in new friendships. Because of this blurred line of friendships and romantic relationships, I learned how to set boundaries with anyone new that enters my life. I can romantically love my friends, but because of the boundaries I’ve set for myself and for the people in these newfound friendships, I’m able to be open about my romantic attraction but know to keep things healthy and friendly. Like I’ve mentioned a million times before, I will not have sex with you.

I say that, and yeah, perhaps it comes off as a joke because like, haha love your friends but don’t have sex with them, but I actually mean it. Actually, I mean it as an indefinite thing.

It’s been a year since I had sex, but even before becoming celibate, I used to get really panicky whenever sexual intimacy was suggested in my last relationship, I started to get really insecure and repulsive to the thought of me having sex, and it was something I just didn’t want to have anymore. Let me disclosed that I don’t have sexual abuse trauma, it was simply something that changed in me.

When my relationship ended, I didn’t miss being sexually intimate with someone I loved. I didn’t miss the act of having it, I feeling behind it; literally sex rarely came to mind. Sure, there were qualities in people that turned me on, but it never went anywhere and I realized a lot of my turn-ons weren’t sexually driven, they were… energy driven? In the most explicit ways, yeah: the same sex can have an amazing energy and it will have me intrigued.

Within the last year, I’ve met a couple of people of the same sex that I really vibe with well. It was confusing at first because I started to get– in a sense– a liking to them in the same way most people find in potential partners for romantic relationships. I loved them to pieces and I love them just as much as I would do a romantic partner because of the deep connections I have with them, but I’m not sexually attracted to girls. I also found myself gaining that same type of love for those who were not straight and whose who don’t romantically or sexually like women, but I still felt them. TLDR, I really can experience a deep love for someone no matter who they are or how they identify themselves. I just love them for them. That’s when I figured that I was possibly demi. I was still sexually attracted to guys and found guys sexy, but it still didn’t feel right to me. It wasn’t a “I’d have sex with him” thought, it was more so “you’re attractive, but I’m feeling your vibe, so can I get to know you and hopefully whatever this becomes doesn’t lead to sex because I can’t imagine myself having sex for awhile.” I just wanted some good friendships that felt mutually about me as I do them while keeping boundaries to respect each other in the friendship.

But even in the friendships I’ve made with people within the last year has made me realize I am at my happiest when I’m talking to people I care about, that care about me, and allow me to be my complete myself without any judgment. I am at my happiest when I remind my friends that I love them and that I’m immensely grateful for their presence in my life. I am at my happiest when I can just express myself without any seek of approval from friends; they take me in as much as I take them in. Simplicity, after most of my life making things complicated.

I don’t know if my future relationships will change this; perhaps my asexuality is something that bests defines me in this moment, whereas my demiromanticism is something I’ve felt almost in every friendship I had in my life… even if demiromantic/sexual falls under the asexual umbrella. At the end of the day, I live my life in the gray, because nothing defines me and I don’t define any label. I’m just… me.

Asexuality is different for everyone, and my asexuality also does not mean that I look down on sex completely. Listen, have all the sex you want, like go ahead and get your freak on, but it’s just not for me. I repulse myself having sex, not the idea of sex.

So, here I am, coming to terms that for awhile I’ve fallen under the asexual umbrella, and even coming to this realization, nothing has really changed. I’m just valuing the friendships I have in my life and the simplicity of just experiencing love on a platonic level.

Misc.

Day 25: Music From Liz: Ep. 12 – August Comebacks & Discoveries!

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Music Featured in This Episode:

Music Mentioned in This Episode:

Voiceless Rant: The Series

Day 24: A Voiceless Rant – August 2020 Edition.

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Dear, guys – welcome back to Letters From Liz!

I can’t believe that this summer is almost over. For us to be in a middle of a pandemic, you’d think that the summer would drag on just because a lot of the summer activities this year were out on hold! But nope: it is the end of August, about to enter September, and before you know it, it’ll be my favorite season of the year: Winter!

But speaking of August… it’s been a much different type of month for me than it was this time last year. Here’s this month’s installment of:

So, I remember anniversaries and milestones like it’s nobody’s business. It’s a blessing and a curse and in most cases, it’s the latter. When a certain time of year comes around, I am reminded of where I was years prior: every May I am reminded that 8 years ago, I put myself in a dumb situation where I could’ve been raped. Every November I am reminded that my sibling was scared I’d take my own life and having to speak to my therapist and psychologist about that low part of my life. Every August I am reminded that in 2018 we said our final goodbyes to my grandfather and in 2019, I said my final goodbyes to a person who been in my life for half of it. It’s that final one that I have to walk on getting better with.

Last week, it was a year since that night: that night where we fought and I blurred out what my soul had been wanting me to say for awhile: I needed to learn to love myself before I could love anyone else because I was struggling to balance my relationship, my mental health, and my undefined identity that so desperately wanted to strive. I sat in the chair in the kitchen, the same exact one a year ago when I was crying my eyes out, now doing the same thing, but for a different reason.

I was proud for coming from where I was to get to this exact moment: fulfilled, happy, and at peace.

To have worked at my very social job at the bookstore and to create friendships with my coworkers (mind you that pretty much got me through the heartbroken grieving phase of the healing process) meant that I got better. To attend my first ever Kpop concert back in January by myself and enjoyed the night with something I like and wanted to do meant that I got better. To go out for drinks with my coworkers after work one day and to casually attend a happy hour and just eat and laugh and connect some more meant that I got better. Traveling on a plane for the first time by myself to go to Florida and see Tori meant that I got better. To openly embrace the fact that Kpop is a major part of my everyday life and to express myself to the trading/collecting community meant that I got better. Meeting some of the greatest people in the community that understands my love for Kpop and make friendships from that meant that I got better.

I got better. Sure, I still have my moments where I’m sad and negative and angry and depressed; when I’m human, but most of my days I am happy and I’m content.

My mother even mentioned the other day something that I will forever hold close to my heart: “you’re happy and bubbly again.”

So, I’m nowhere near being done with my process, nor I doubt I’ll ever be completely done learning and growing. I know this time next year, things could be completely different; I could be completely different, but in this moment I am learning how to take care of myself and prepare myself for the future negative things that will happen; they happen to everyone. But, I will now know how to take better care of myself, and not instantly feel out of control to the point where self-harming comes to play. I will manage y emotions better and be better at prioritizing how I feel.

I guess the point of this rant is that no matter how minor or major a change in your life is, embrace it. Embrace the positives you have, embrace the negatives and learn how and why they are your negatives, embrace the qualities that you hide in the privacy of your own space and flaunt yourself to the world, embrace the fact that you are getting better and that you’re actively doing thing to make you better. The process, in this case, means much more than the final product.

I am not who I was, and August memories don’t define my being: I do, in this moment, typing this very last sentence.